Related inferences from the Prothean

*use DeepL to translate

*Only inferences that can be drawn from direct or indirect evidence found in the game are listed here.

* Most of the speculation is based on the fact that Javik never lied to Shepard (but could have hidden it), so anyone who thinks Javik has been trolling since the beginning doesn't need to read it

*I’m open mind, welcome to discuss below

*I now have too much head canons, so  no more updating for this page

——————update—7.29—————

Javik has a lot of brand new sides within the citidal DLC party, and if you don't dismiss what he says as just trolling, you'll find that he reveals a lot of interesting prothean hints:

*this part has more head canon, sometimes I can't quite separate it from speculation

"prothean's gathering was nothing like this. we concede the future, and respected the dead." "May go touch yourself?" "That does not happened until the end of this party." This reveals the prothean form of gathering, at least in Javik's time. Javik appears to be very 'touchful' when drunk and expresses a desire to touch Jack and Cortez. Perhaps during this phase of their party, the prothean teammates touched each other, passing on and exchanging their memories. Within the memory of Javik's shelter, he opened a closed stasis chamber and closed his eyes and touched the body inside for more than three seconds. This should be considered as a rough stage of respecting the dead, and touching the dead can also be used to gain information; and in his memory, Javik pulls his companion, who has been shot, back into the protective wall. It is possible that this is to prevent the "companion from being transformed, and it is also possible that it is best to remember the dead with a corpse. Part of the gathering would have been to touch the dead, to experience their memories of dying, to learn a lesson. In the last stage, contemplating the future, when all have absorbed all the memories of each other and of the dead, the next course of action and response is proposed. If that's all there is to it, a prothean party can seem very serious. At the end of the party, each prothean would find a quiet, clean place to meditate. Javik, even though he was drunk, found a similar place by Shepard's bathtub. During the meditation phase they would touch themselves and integrate the information they received. From the next day in a quiet party situation, (or even after spending the night with a female shep) Javik would ask Shepard to leave him in the bathroom. prothean would touch themselves after a night's sleep, and it is possible that the mental injuries they suffered during the war were slowly self-digesting and detoxifying at this time. This leads to: -Prothean gatherings consisted of sharing memories (of the living and the dead), discussing thinking about the future, and meditating. It is also possible that this was only a special form of gathering during the end times in which Javik lived, and that he did not have the opportunity to experience other forms of gathering that might have existed for the prothean. -prothean integrating information by touching themselves and meditating

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I've always wondered why Javik, who never seems to drink alcohol, would be at the party and 'discover' that the drink makes you feel good and have a hangover the next day. Alcohol can be produced naturally in over-ripe fruit, and it's quite unnatural that the prothean has never been exposed to it. So it wasn't that the prothean hadn't been exposed to it, but rather that consuming it revealed that it would lead to more negative effects than positive ones thus avoiding it. the prothean's ability to sense naturally led the team to share their current feelings with each other, and if one person became intoxicated thus affecting the others then it would be a big problem. Javik didn't know what smoking was, he thought it was armour smoking. So it's Javik who doesn't have the concept, hallucinogens and addictives that are bad for your body should be completely out of vogue in the society of the prothean, and maybe only used in very rare cases where the normal person doesn't even know about it. Firstly as mentioned below, prothean are naturally able to separate reason from emotion, feelings don't easily influence behaviour, and things that are bad for the body and good for the emotions they will stay away from with reason. When it comes to needing these things to numb themselves, the prothean should have their own way of detoxing. Not only does my head canon think so, but most fanfic on this involves the ability of the prothean to sense. In Javik's case, it's the lack of his clanmates around him, and NEVER feeling good, and the situation not being such that he'd be out on a mission right away, that makes Javik drink, I think, and he drinks pretty heavily, and doesn't choose to stop when he feels like he's not right. This leads to: -prothean does not promote means of self-imposed mental paralysis that rely on external objects -The use of mental paralysing, stimulating items is completely unpopular in prothean society, and the average prothean has no idea that these things even exist. ———————————————

Running through the relevant passages of Javik's perhaps 'cheating' - Vega's dialogue with Jarvik, in which Jarvik states that he has now made up a 'joke' to make Vega the joke itself. There are two possibilities in this case: -・Javik really made it up and used Vega's reaction as a joke. Then Javik didn't lie. -・Javik's joke was really a joke from his time, only no one can understand it anymore, so he changed his mind and said it was made up. In this case, Javik did lie a little bit. -Javik states at the party card table that the 'game' of prothean is harsher, “the winners were honored, while those that lost... ” Vega asks: ...... You guys didn't sacrifice your losers, did you? Javik asks back: your cycle allows them to live? This dialogue also indicates two possibilities, as he doesn't directly answer vega's question, it's Vega's own assumption that he's leading with his rhetorical question, and Javik is really good at this kind of obfuscation： -・The loser really will die. After all, this type of 'game' is also a 'game of chance' for Javik. And as Javik had once said at the casino, games of chance were a death sentence in his cycle. But this type of 'game' shouldn't exist at the end of the harvest where Javik is, because it wastes precious lives. -・The loser doesn't die, the loser might be severely punished. Though I prefer this possibility because of my own personal selfishness and wishing that the prothean society would not treat the lives of their own people so contemptuously. However, no evidence has been found to prove this. -Javik said at the party that Liana believed every word he said, including that the prothean invented electricity. -・ It is absolutely, positively a lie to Liana , this bugman has learnt well. It shows that he adapts and accepts the cycle. --

In conclusion, facing a crew other than the Commander does not preclude Javik from being honest all the time when facing others. Considering the conditions he's in, and the lies that abound in this cycle, he should realise that the cycle's attitude towards lies is very different from his own. His experiences have made it so that his truthfulness often represents hurt and despair, whereas well-intentioned lies can have a positive effect on lifting the mood of others, as can be seen in the above examples of his several attempts to moderate the embarrassment he has caused. Javik once said that lies can be easily detected. When the prothean dominate the cycle, the gift of sensory touch becomes the basis of their superiority. Javik had said it was called  a cosmic imperative? In their semi-transparent society, cheating is obvious and insulting to them, and if they stay in that frame of mind, they won't be able to develop the ability to cheat. The head canon part of me is: { When they face races that have no sense of touch and are accustomed to lying to each other, they are likely to use lying as a symbol of those races' inferiority. prothean diplomatic envoys should have honed their attitudes towards lying when faced with other races. Javik, as the leader of the original plan to lead the cycle against the Reapers, must have been well trained in this.} Javik commented at the poker table that "it is foolish to reveal secrets to the enemy", and he often hid information in Normandy. Javik's performance also shows that he is good at steering the conversation in the wrong direction, implicitly affirming others' wrong opinions, and providing the necessary intimidation, which is arguably the closest you can get to deception with telling the truth. Javik states that there are 'cunning' Avatars amongst the people of the prothean, and he has also praised the race of Garrus for being 'cunning', proving that it is a merit trait in their society. My head canon suggests that:｛this may be their conclusion after the war with the Metacon. Machines are non-organic, undetectable, without emotions. Air combat in space is more strategic. Warfare is a collection of strategies and tactics. Against organic opponents, relying on detection means to collect the biomass emanating from the leadership of the opponent to obtain comprehensive information about the opponent is very advantageous to the prothean, and perhaps they are invincible as a result. Perhaps facing the Metacon was the first time the Protheans were unable to fight a hard battle through the trick of detecting their opponent's tactics. Enemies that could not be exterminated at the root, could not read minds. It spawned change, it spawned talent, it spawned the need for cunning. So on the battlefield, deception gained ground, and the prothean empire was changing with the war with Metacon, a battle that may have lasted 20,000 years, a very long empire cycle, enough for human empires to live and die for hundreds of rounds, but the prothean empire still thrived, not corrupted and destroyed with the domination of the galaxy and the enjoyment of its own successes. Javik says "No change, no struggle, no growth"; and Shepard sums up Javik's theory, "Conflict is a way of life." If there were no Reapers. With a good opponent as Metacon, the Prothean Empire would have continued to evolve.} ignoring most of the head canon part above. This leads to: -Javik learns to lie in this cycle, he doesn't remain honest with the rest of the crew. -Javik is good at hiding information and manipulating people with the truth. -In a prothean society, lying between people is shameful and pointless. -In prothean society, tactical 'cunning' is encouraged. ———————————————————— I'd also like to talk more about the case for what Javik said at the card game, and this paragraph is almost entirely my HEAD CANON: " Three teams met in an arena. Their strengh, agility, loyalty, all will be tested. the winners were honoured, while those that lost..." {In conjunction with the above, I deduce that this 'game' could only have been played during a time when the prothean were thriving. Firstly TEAM. given their ability to sense touch, the individual boundaries of the prothean are translucent. It would become natural to have a team as the basic unit. They're supposed to be very team orientated, with people in teams being like brothers and sisters, more cohesive than ours because they sense each other, share memories, and don't lie. Having to handily kill his own crew should be more painful for Javik than Shepard handily kill Normandy's crew, which is why he decided to join them after the war. Then there's the game of Risk, which being guilty of breaking the law will result in the death penalty for players and organisers. And this 'game' strikes Javik as a risky game similar to playing cards. with war being the biggest risky game of all, what does the prothean make of this contradiction? Deceit is not permitted to their own people; it is permitted to their enemies. The seriousness of this 'game' is supposed to be so strong that the other side must be seen as the enemy. Perhaps the loser ends up being killed by the 'enemy' in the middle of a fight. Testing the physical limits of each team while also testing their teamwork and perhaps some of their 'cunning'. This is supposed to be a test of the highest honour, perhaps as a selection for a possible royal prothean? Possibly used as a selection for their Avatar? Perhaps this could be the prothean's way of selecting their own race, leaving behind the better genes, their civilisation's way of selecting the best and the worst? Faced with a prothean 'game' of selecting superior warriors like this, Shepard's crew would certainly lose badly.} For head canon I can't do a summary

——————previous——————

- The prothean's touch-sensing ability. From the few times Javik touches in the game, this touch can pass information to each other, but it can also be input singularly - the protagonist only sees Javik's memories for the first time, and Javik doesn't look like he would pass them on when he touches asari, hana. So it is possible to get the prothean to turn off the touch memory output function. And conversely, although Shepard possessed the Prothean cipher, his physical body and nervous system were still human, and his ability to see Javik's memories proved that the prothean possessed the ability to imbue other creatures with memories, even when Javik was in shock - perhaps precisely because he was defenseless at that point. his sensory channels were open, Shepard was able to see so many memories. So, 'as natural as breathing', for the early prothean touch means that communication is natural, and that closing oneself off from sharing memories with the other is something that needs to be controlled. So does the prothean have the ability to close off its own memories? Although it is not indicated within the game, Javik states that he read Shepard to learn English by reading the other person's physical, nervous system through touch. That physical closure of one's own physiology and nervous system is unlikely for an organic being. Is it then possible to fool the reader through deception, self-hypnotic input of falsified memories? That involves whether the memories stored in the body and those in the brain are incongruent, and that would be the brain part, so maybe it is possible, maybe not.

So does the prothean have a function to turn off the input? If the prothean can't turn off touch sensing, then the prothean of the primitive era would be disturbed by a lot of noise. A rough analogy would be if running through the jungle without clothes, or finding your way in bright light when you can't close your eyes. And the armour that Javik wears does not cover his whole body, but his fingers and knees are bare, and he washes his hands constantly. It is inferred that the prothean has some control over not sensing objects that shrink to the touch, but if the noise is too great it can still be disturbed, just as it can be heard if you wear earplugs but the noise is loud. Javik says that Normandy leaves too much pheromone behind, so his own prothean ships must be very clean (perhaps they are very well ventilated and sterilised, perhaps sterile), which suggests to some extent that primitives leave too much pheromone behind compared to protheans, probably like domestic pets with a strong smell. The prothean is probably the body that doesn't tend to leave pheromones behind.

This leads to: -prothean's natural state is touch-as-you-gather information -prothean have the ability to turn their memory output off -prothean can imbue other races with memories, even unintentionally. -prothean has a limited ability to turn off the touch sensitive function. -prothean is less prone to pheromone residue compared to primitive -protheans have very clean ships

However, it is not certain that: -Does prothean have the ability to close its own memories? -Does prothean have the ability to indoctrinate specific thoughts (aka brainwash) ———————————————

-prothean eat the liver of salarians raw, Javik comments: fear is the spice. As a hunting race, touching dying prey in the wild is inevitable, and the ability to separate emotion from action is crucial if one is forced to see the other's dying memory every time. prothean can enjoy the fear of their prey, which is natural in prothean society. Part of the reason for this is the theory of the weak and the strong - probably a theory that evolved because they often sense the pain of their prey. Such a manifestation would lead them to appear insensitive and without empathy. So do Ploceans really have no empathy? Look at our only living case of the Javik. He can pick up on the emotions of his crew and comfort people, sometimes needing nudging, sometimes spontaneously. So the prothean has empathy, in some fanfic it is said that the prothean is cold-blooded and heartless, it is very obvious that the Prothean possesses emotions. Javik gives the example of the betrayer being buried in the sand and having his limbs cut off or starved to death, obviously done to make the others feel fearful and not consider betrayal. Javik also says "now you bite" to Lira, approving of her anger. So in Javik's case, not only does he possess emotions, but he is fully capable of regulating the emotions of others. He just doesn't understand people of this cycle, who are sentimental, dominated by emotions in adverse situations, or overly concerned with the opinions of other races. They could completely separate emotion from reason and use reason to guide action. If emotion is conducive to action, then open to emotion. If it is detrimental, then it will probably be digested. (How it is digested is brain content.) So the prothean scientists of the ilos can accept the extinction of their own people while rationally analysing what else can be done to stop the next wave of reaping. With the prothean already almost extinct, this behaviour is completely altruistic, even when a 'painful and long' death awaits them.Another case in point is when Javik describes how they dealt with the indoctrinated child, something that would have been difficult to do if they were not rationally dominated, and they would have carried out a verification that the indoctrinated person could not be reversed back and then quickly spread the experience through induction, after which they killed the indoctrinated person. They should also be less likely to be emotionally dominated when sharing memories. Whether it's touch or memory shard, their purpose when viewing the memories of others should tend to be learning from the experiences of others. Like Javik says in the citidal DLC, prothean gatherings are about sharing experiences and mourning the dead. For them, 'learning a lesson' should be something that is done throughout from childhood to adulthood, where mistakes made by other people, decisions made, can be used as part of their own experience. This leads to: -prothean is emotionally numb to the prey and will enjoy the prey's pain. -The prothean is a creature dominated by reason(logical). -prothean possess emotions and they will rationally discern when they need to use them -prothean learn from experience by sharing memories, which is a general way for them to do so.

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How fast does the prothean touch the other person to exchange information? Firstly, it must be faster than the speed of speech, so he would have found it a waste of time to communicate only verbally when he was pressed for time. From Javik's touching of Jack, he only gets a superficial message from Jack, 'If you want to know something, just ask me', which suggests that a mere touch can only convey a very short message. (Maybe the two protheans were talking to each other back to back when they fought.) So could it be that Jack's will power or psychic powers were strong enough to defend him from Javik's touch? This is a brainstorm, not a proof. A slightly longer touch, like about 5s in the game, would allow Javik to learn about hana's race, asari's physical condition and opinion on the current mission, the full contents of the beacon in Shepard's head, whether or not Shepard is lying, etc. That's at least the equivalent of watching a 10 minute video or a 1000 word article? That's quite an impressive rate of information transfer.

Javik resented having to type to disseminate information in a way that was too primitive; in their loop, with beacons allowing real-time communication between galaxies with big data, their communication methods must be very advanced. Would they also need to float before being injected with information like Shepard or Saren? And if so isn't that too inconvenient for a channel that spreads information super fast? In Eden, the protagonist sees the image through a snowflake screen, and while there are messy cut sections, the bulk of it is clear and intact. (Perhaps that part is cut because Shepard only has two eyes and can't see the video like a prothean can.) This might be highly compressed surveillance video. Since the snowflake screen can be translated into video, it would be more likely that smaller vehicles such as voice and text would be able to do so. prothean's inductive touch requires sensing the other person's biomass to do so, so there must be a technology that converts biomass into a signal. Perhaps the omni tools of the prothean era, which were used to transmit information one-to-one, would have had this kind of transliteration and counter-transliteration function - converting one's output into a signal through touch, allowing the other person to view it through their eyes and implement the memory of the experience. This leads to: -The prothean is a very advanced way of transmitting information. -The beacon transmits a large amount of information instantly in the prothean's loop. -Snowflake screens are the means by which prothean transmits signals to vision -Their omni tools should have inter-translation of inductive touch and snowflake screens

-prothean's quickly touch each other unintentionally to transmit very short messages. prothean touch each other for more than 5s to learn a very large amount of current information, and perhaps memory extraction.

However, it is not certain that: -Does the beacon need to be floated in the prothean loop as well? Or does it only need to be touched, or even visually? -Can the prothean learn a specific skill by touching the other person? And how long would that touch take? What kind of prerequisite preparation is needed for each other? —————update—6.29—————

"You bonded...with your <romance character>？ I'm not guessing, your pheromones are telling me that." -Memories for the Prothean are chemical signals emanating from creatures, which Javik sums up in his introduction to his powers as touch, but scents also linger in the air, and never forget that the Prothean has six nostrils (eight counting the top of his mouth). In the case of grabbing Shepard's or Asari's sense memory, when what he wants to know points to a single person and the amount of information required, he behaves: he leans his head very close to the subject, closes his eyes, (seemingly opening the breathing holes above his lips wide), grabs the clothing/armour of the other person's arms with both hands, and the sense is complete when he opens his eyes. It is true that the surface area of the hands covering the arms is a little larger, and the armour leaves some chemical signal, but it is the air exhaled by the opponent when close and the natural scent emanating from the body that makes it easier to get a real time chemical signal. The most obvious evidence of this is that every time sherpard appears behind Javik, he says "Commander" first, which has become an essential part of many fanfics. Javik clearly hides this early on, steering the conversation as if he can only sense it by touch. It's not until later in the game that he actively tells Shepard that he can sense it, presumably one of the signs that he appreciates Shepard. -An environment where many people are gathered and biomass is mixed together is not very easy to distinguish, like distinguishing subtle speech in a noisy place, I guess. So when he first met in Normandy, he would have to grab Shepard straight away to get information, and he would have wandered around and named Jack, Thane and Miranda accurately. Often places occupied by one person with relatively pure residual chemicals, he would be able to extract more information. It is worth pointing out that what he mentions is the race, characteristics, and state of the other person at the time, not a specific event or memory. So relying on the biomass left on the surface of ordinary environments to be discovered by a later prothean is not a good way to go, and few environments can preserve biomass left 50,000 years ago, I think. That's why the prothean needed to invent memory shards to preserve memories. Grunt was on board at least six months ago, and Javik was able to spot the liquid that had been left on the floor at that time. The cargo hold must have been cleaned after Grunt's birth, so a certain amount of cleaning would not have prevented the prothean's ability to extract information. They should have needed very little residual material to extract the contents

This leads to: -prothean's sensing abilities are not limited to touch. Their nostrils also have a receptive role and other parts of their body may also have receptive abilities. -Complex multiplayer environments make it more difficult for protheans to extract information. -Touching the target object in the past as sensed by the environment is probably like getting a cursory medical report?

However, it is not known whether:

-Does the completeness of the information extracted by prothean decrease? For example in very mixed situations, or where there are few residues. -Does the red muscle part of prothean's neck sense chemicals in the air? -If something has just happened, can it be fully understood by prothean through inductive touch? -How far back can prothean extract information? ——————————————— Some biological observations: -The four eyes of the prothean grow on either side of the head, their frontal sides at a triangular angle of roughly sixty degrees, with the two main front eyes falling on the same flat face plate as humans, that is, directly in front, and each side also having a pair of eyes each. As long as there are two eyes in the same plane, stereoscopic vision can be formed, allowing a more accurate perception of the exact position of the target, a feature that is essential for carnivores. A human pair of eyes has a binocular visual area of approximately 120 degrees and a monocular visual area of 40 degrees on either side of the grid. By analogy, the four eyes of the prothean bulge out to form three pairs of planes, giving a three-dimensional visual area of about 240 degrees, and even a three-eye visual area of about 60 degrees on each side. And the total view area that can be covered is about 320 degrees, so the prothean has only a 40 degree blind spot in its field of vision. No wonder Javik complains that this loop of two eyes is so strange; a 160-degree blind spot of vision for every two-eyed intelligent creature would create a huge tactical disadvantage.And two three-eyes visual area are certainly benefits to Garrus.

Javik mentions that he can see the presence of "kasumi", who rely at least on a tactical cloak for their invisibility, which is known in Mass Effect: Andromeda to be based on light bending, which is effective in the visible range, and if the prothean eyes can see a wider range of the spectrum than humans can, then it makes sense that they would be able to see through the invisibility. it would make perfect sense for them to be able to see through cloaking. It is possible that their eight pupils have a very wide variety of optic cone cells that can sense the ultraviolet to infrared spectrum or beyond (like Mantis shrimp) -The prothean has small, closely spaced incisors, with two cusps on each side of the upper jaw. The incisors of the lower jaw are wider and thinner than those of the upper jaw. From an earthbound perspective, the incisors on the front of the mouth are unique to the dental classification of heterodont mammals. Although Protheans have evolved differently from Earth, the incisors are mainly used to cut off food or remain unchanged, or to pry open the shells of hard fruits. If they were predominantly carnivorous creatures, then most carnivores on Earth would have had fewer incisors, while canines would have evolved to be large and coarse, and they would not even have used their fangs much but canines to cut up food. Behind the cusps appear to be molars, which are not very visible, suggesting that at least they would not have been very large molars. Molars are necessary for herbivores to grind hard fibres, whereas in the case of staple plant eaters, the molars are usually wider, so they may have evolved from carnivorous creatures to omnivores. Primitive Prothean people probably ate mostly meat and to a lesser extent plants and fruit. They may have had only sharp teeth in their upper jaws, which may have been inconvenient for carrying prey, and perhaps their sharp teeth had other purposes. （Head canon part ) With so many teeth they had the ability to chop up their food and chew it very finely before swallowing and digesting it, which was a sign of being a successful species as a better use of food. The differentiation of the teeth was also necessary to taste the food, and the prothean cycle would have been quite rich in ingredients.

This leads to:

-prothean has a 240-degree stereoscopic visual area and 2 60-degree trinocular visual areas; there is only a 40-degree visual blind spot.

-prothean would have been able to see a wider range of the spectrum than humans.

-prothean are omnivorous creatures, evolving from carnivores, whose tightly packed teeth can chew very finely.

How ever, I’ve some strange questions:

-Wouldn't the fact that their eyes are constantly covered in the shadow of their head's armour make their eyes a little more sensitive to light?

-what if prothean’s teeth is used to suck blood? Is that possible that protheans are vimpire???

-The ringed markings on the back of Javik head always remind me of a blue ringed octopus or a snake,  are the teeth of a prothean poisonous? Especially considering that their bright red neck colour can be used as a warning colour

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If anyone is interested in the original article, here is a link to the Chinese version 

https://mosku.lofter.com/post/1f207732_2b94fe784

No Power Left to the Vanquished

My feelings, Conscript Fathers, are extremely different, when I contemplate our circumstances and dangers, and when I revolve in my mind the sentiments of some who have spoken before me. Those speakers, as it seems to me, have considered only how to punish the traitors who have raised war against their country, their parents, their altars, and their homes; but the state of affairs warns us rather to secure ourselves against them, than to take counsel as to what sentence we should pass upon them. Other crimes you may punish after they have been committed; but as to this, unless you prevent its commission, you will, when it has once taken effect, in vain appeal to justice. When the city is taken, no power is left to the vanquished.

- Sallust, quoting Cato the Younger, Bellum Catilinae

In the late years of the Roman Republic, a conspiracy arose from within the ranks of the Senate.  The aristocrat Lucius Sergius Catilina attempted to seize control of the government after his bid for consulship failed.  One of the consuls, Cicero, exposed the conspiracy and Catilina fled Rome to prepare an army.  Five of the conspirators were captured after the letters they wrote, in which they urged people to join the conspiracy, were intercepted.  The letters were read before the Senate and Cicero urged for the execution of their authors.

Julius Caesar pled for patience and clemency; after all, Rome had laws and customs to observe. He did not want to set a precedent that the ways of Rome could be set aside because they were inconvenient.  Cato the Younger, a longtime (and future) opponent of Caesar, spoke next.  His appeal won out because the Senate understood the reality of the scenario he was describing: when an institution is in imminent danger from those who seek to dismantle it, you must question if strict adherence to the institution’s laws and customs is worth more than the existence of the institution itself.

Fourteen years later, Julius Caesar, champion of Roman laws and customs, crossed the Rubicon in defiance of law, custom, and the explicit order of the Senate to mark what would become the end of the Roman Republic and the beginning of Caesar’s rule of the Roman Empire.  Caesar’s respect for Roman norms and civitas ended when they put him in personal danger.  As for Cato, he died with the republic and subsequently became its most lionized martyr.

In 1923, Adolf Hitler and Erich Ludendorff, accompanied by hundreds of other Nazis and members of the paramilitary Sturmabteilung staged the Beer Hall Putsch, an attempted coupe d'état against the regional Bavarian government.  Hitler’s goal was to pressure the elected representatives in Munich to turn against the federal government in Berlin through a public show of force and violence.  It failed.  Hitler was imprisoned, but he used his trial testimony to continue spreading his propaganda and dictated Mein Kampf while serving his sentence.  The Beer Hall Putsch was a success for the Nazi party in spite failing to achieve Hitler’s goals.

Ten years later, Hitler was the presidentially-appointed Reichskanzler of Germany. While the Nazis had the most seats in the Reichstag, it was still a minority party.  To ensure the passage of the Enabling Act, which gave the chancellor the power to enact laws without the involvement of the Reichstag, Hermann Göring, President of the Reichstag, suspended the rules for quorum and outlawed the opposition KPD (Communist party) from participating. Sturmabteilung forces entered the assembly chamber to surround and intimidate the non-Nazi representatives into voting for the law.  The passage of the Enabling Act marked the end of the Weimar Republic and the beginning of Hitler’s dictatorship over the German Reich.

The differences between the Beer Hall Putsch and and the Enabling Act were differences of organizational power, instruments, and outcome, not intent.  In both cases, the same bad actors were seeking to overthrow an existing government.  President Paul von Hindenburg and Franz von Papen failed to recognize that Hitler and the Nazis not only threatened the principles of the aristocracy or their other political opponents, but the Weimar Republic itself.

Was the Weimar Republic worth saving?  It was, by most accounts, including the little my grandmother remembered of it, an awful state.  Its government was, putting it mildly, dysfunctional.  Many of its citizens lived through an era of terrible poverty and violence following the end of the first World War.  But the Reich is what came after.  All other avenues of evolutionary institutional or truly revolutionary change ended with the fall of the republic.  The world suffered for it.

Trump and his allies have been attacking American institutions for the last four years.  Trump doesn’t have the ideological drive of Hitler or the strategic acumen of Caesar.  He just has the most base populist instincts to agitate a mob.  What he shares with Hitler, Caesar, and other would-be dictators is a desire to remove opposition and the institutional mechanisms of opposition through whatever means are at his disposal.  If he can do it through an executive order, he will.  If he can do it through political pressure, he will.  If can do it through intimidation, quid pro quo exchanges, and other illegal actions, he will.  And if it requires a mob of supporters to storm the capitol during a Senate session to overturn their certification vote, he’ll try use that, too.

People have been likening what happened in the U.S. capitol to the Beer Hall Putsch.  It’s a fair and reasonable comparison, though Hitler did actually march in his own coup attempt and was wounded during its defeat; Trump just gathered people together, lit a fuse, and watched them go.  But it’s important to remember that the differences between the Beer Hall Putsch and the Enabling Act were of organizational power, instruments, and outcome.  What if there had been more pro-Trump agitators at the capitol?  What if the Senate had not been evacuated in time?  What if Trump had more supporters within the Senate to begin with?  What if Trump were even mildly more intellectually competent or the various online factional leaders in his mob were more coordinated in their tactics and goals?

Facebook, twitter, and other social media sites have deplatformed Trump.  Several companies have suspended hosting services for online communities that have been involved in coordinating fascist, white supremacist mobs in the past. Trump’s supporters, in ignorance or bad faith, have decried that this violates 1st Amendment rights.  They are wrong, but even if they were not, the events of January 6th, planned armed protests on the 17th, and threats of violence against Biden’s inauguration on the 20th, represent the kind of imminent institutional danger that Cato spoke of during the Catiline Conspiracy.  “When the city is taken, no power is left to the vanquished.”

We have wrestled with how the government and corporations should moderate social media since these platforms emerged.  We will continue to do so in the future.  While we must take guard against the transformation of severe actions in time of crisis into the de facto way of handling our day-to-day problems, we must also recognize and act to resolve crises as soon as they appear if we have any interest in preserving the institutions they threaten.

I think of myself as a socialist.  My political thought is not as educated, as principled, or as nuanced as many other socialists I know, some of whom think that any efforts to preserve or work within existing American institutions is, at best, naïve; in practice, counterproductive; and, at worst, actively reactionary.  I often look at our institutions through the lens of a designer.  When I do, I see systems that do not work to produce meaningful social change.  I see systems which do not often work to accomplish any goals of its body politic.  In practice, our systems serve the needs and interests of the ruling class and the powers that have the means and knowledge to manipulate the members of that class.  The systems confine the use of violence and its instruments to the state, as the state sees fit, often to the detriment and mortal peril of the most disadvantaged and vulnerable among us.  It is hard for me to sympathize with those who deify the state and its institutions, especially a state like America that treats its citizens so cruelly.  It becomes even harder when adjacent political cousins perennially denounce any hesitance to support milquetoast centrist candidates as tantamount to treason.  Even so, when fascists, white supremacists, advocates of genocide are positioning themselves to imminently dismantle these institutions through intimidation and violence, it is not difficult for me to see the value in their immediate preservation.

But if the state and its institutions do survive the next few weeks, we will still live in a world where social media and the principles of freedom of speech are vulnerable to the predations of those who would use their contentious legal status to spread lies, foment popular dissent, and, if necessary, coordinate another violent coup d'état when the time is ripe.  The next time, perhaps the popular figurehead will not be as ignorant, as incompetent, as craven, as plainly stupid as Donald Trump.  You can already see his would-be successors positioning themselves for 2024 in the waning hours of his presidency.  The next time, the populist agitators may be more focused in their goals, more coherent in their strategy, more careful in their communication.  Those among them who have witnessed the spectacular failure of imbeciles like Jake Angeli, Adam Johnson, and Richard Barnett may be shrewd enough to learn from the disaster as they prepare for the future.

The Weimar Republic became vulnerable to the schemes of the Nazi party because its representatives failed to address the needs of its citizens and because its leaders failed to recognize the magnitude of threat posed by leaders like Adolf Hitler, propagandists like Goebbels, and paramilitary groups like the Sturmabteilung.  Our elected representatives may have finally, at this recent brink of disaster, comprehended the threat that Trump and his supporters pose to the existence of the state.  After they make their way through January 20th, the federal government will have to address the needs of a disaffected, impoverished, violently-policed, often disenfranchised populace.  They will also have to disentangle the mess that the government has created through their laissez-faire attitude toward social and news media regulation.  Their actions in the immediate future will tell if they intend to effect meaningful change or if they are content to use the next four years to pave a road to the ruin of the republic.

Why writing diversity and representation is important to me

heavily triggering, be warned

I am a cis-gendered white female who makes a point of writing different kinds of diversity and rep in my stories. I have grown up devouring books my entire life. I have loved reading from the start, and I would not be alive without books.

My home life, my school life, both were plagued by bullies and trauma and abuse. I am twenty five years old, I have witnessed things no one deserves to witness in places that are supposed to guarantee my safety growing up by people who were supposed to protect me. 

I watched my step father, a man I despise, hit and break my terminally ill mother’s nose when I was nineteen, with his hand enclosed around a phone- which he had ripped off the walls so we could not call the cops. Couches were shoved in front of the door, so we could not get out and get help. We lived in a trailer, in a town where no one knew me, my brother, or my mother all that well. But Dave grew up in that town, he was known on first name basis with the cops and over half the town.

 He was high, got off scot free, and he had been a registered nurse and to this day, he will joke and lie about what happened, right in front of my face. And the worst part, is that my mom asked me if I would stop talking to her if she let him back in her house. This was a reoccurring thing over the span of idek how many years. I have been hit, pushed, belittled and humiliated my entire life to the point of contemplation of suicide and self harm.

I am a survivor of csa (not my step father, just fyi) as well as domestic violence and child abuse. My mother was misdiagnosed and unmedicated and self medicated for bipolar disorder until i was eight years old, and then she was clean, and she and me and my brother lived pretty good until I was ten, and my mom then met Dave. My birth father found out he was schizophrenic when I was fifteen. And then when I was fifteen my mom was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and she died when she was 39 years old.

Most people will agree, ten years old is a ripe time for mental illness onset. That year, I was at a new school, as I had been to a TON of schools all over south west iowa. I went from an A-B student down to a D-F student in the span of a semester.

My anxiety started that year, so did my OCD and my ADHD and my Depression. I also have a few personality disorders as well, from how I was raised, as well as being a big kid. And my teacher was an evil bitch who lived to make an example out of me. You can ask anyone with ADHD how hard it is to stay organized. It is hell for me to do so, always has been, and my teacher separated my desk from the others, put it at the front of the room, and ductaped a black garbage bag to my desk. I had spent many days in the principals office, I had started skipping school and had full on mental break downs from bullies throwing snowballs at me and because of my teacher as well.

I started pulling my hair out, which my teacher commented on in front of the entire class (but of course). I internalized everything, refused to back talk or defend myself, because I was raised to not back talk my teachers or adults and I didn’t want to get into trouble. Especially since every time I had an outburst growing up, I was threatened with being committed, so I learned to internalize everything and swallow my feelings. To avoid conflict. I suppressed so much stress I caused a lazy eye and several bald spots.

Things did not get any easier the older I got. I just learned all the different levels of hell.

Now you ask, what does my sob story have to do with representation and diversity. Well.

The way I dealt with all this, was through escapism, which is the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy. In other words, I read books.

I used to read a seven hundred page book a day.

I gravitated towards books with characters who had been through similar situations that I had been through. I read the books about the boy under the stairs who had been abused and bullied by his family. I had read the books about the girl who protected her sister by volunteering in a kill or be killed competition. I learned through a book that there was an actual disorder that had a name for pulling out my hair. I had been accused of (shocker) attention seeking, when really it was trichotillomania.

But I recall very few books with characters who were mentally ill, growing up. I recall very few books with characters who had dealt with the things I had growing up. But the ones I found, I still remember, and those books reminded me that I was not alone, that I was not crazy. That I was real.

How many books do I find about lgbt characters who are mentally ill, that are told in a positive light? Not many. Not many at all.

I grew up looking in on these happy kids at school, all around me, whose lives I would have killed to have, who took the things I loved for granted. They read books and do not look for the things I looked for, the things that all the marginalized people look for. For proof that they exist, that they matter. That they could be the one to save the world, or be the one to get the happy ending.

POC, LGBT people, disabled people, bullied people, traumatized people, women: They all need a story where they feel like they can be the hero, where they can be the one to get the happy ending or be on top of the world, instead of feeling like they are the outcasts, the ones who need to be saved, the ones who are the ‘burden’ of the cis straight white neurotypical men that the million of fucking books are about.

We exist, we matter.

So I write stories that I needed growing up, the stories that would have saved me. Because maybe, just maybe, I am saving someone else too.

Diversity is important because diverse people are real, and you never know what someone is going through.

‹ sunrise. ›

audition: solo 002 - main skill. 

His heart was pounding from a mixture of emotions, many of which were rare to him. Kyungsoo wasn’t afraid of the stage, the lights, or the fact he was going to be judged because he knew from a young age that being criticized was a part of life. This, however, wasn’t his usual stage and instead of a presentation, he was going to give a performance.

Perhaps that was why he had trouble keeping his chin up and the usual confident smile on his lips. He typically prepared weeks in advance to an important presentation and made sure he had solutions to every possible problem that may encounter. This audition, however, he had little time to prepare for due to how spontaneous his decision to join was. This would be one of the first times in life Kyungsoo walked in front of others without knowing the outcome of the next few hours. There was no insurance that his audition won’t end up in disaster and this, unfortunately, might be a catastrophe he cannot hide.

Yet, looking past the fear and apprehension, there was also something incredibly freeing about this moment. As a person who desperately needed control in every aspect of his life, Kyungsoo never allowed himself to do something so reckless until this very day. Yes, his hands shook, fingers trembling so much that he nearly dropped the microphone that he was handed, but the adrenaline coursing through his blood also put determination in his chest.

You are just here to sing.

The edge of the stage was before his feet. Kyungsoo turned, giving a bow deeper than necessary to the person who walked him in, thanking them for accompanying him thus far. Then, stepping onto the stage, he raised his eyes from the ground for the first time since he entered the establishment. Sadly, he chose the wrong direction to look as he found himself gazing right into one of the side cameras. The effect was almost immediate - Kyungsoo felt his cheeks burning, his earlier resolve pushed aside by this unexpected staring contest with the camera. His heart, having just calmed down slightly, had returned to its erratic dance.

The heat travelled his face to his ears, turning their tips into the colour of ripe tomatoes. Thankfully, he managed to manfully tear his eyes away from the camera and walk himself to the centre of the stage before the judges.

“Good morning,” he greeted, giving a bow in his usual stiffly polite style. His voice, steady in its soothing baritone, was very adult-like. If that earlier camera incident didn’t happen and his entire face wasn’t flushed red, he’d be giving a perfect introduction right now (at least by his serious standard), but now, his calmly delivered words only served as a hilarious contrast against his still pink ears. “My name is Do Kyungsoo, and I will be singing One Call Away by Charlie Puth for you guys today.”

He paused there, contemplating. A part of him wanted to start singing right away, get this over with as quickly as possible so he’d be able to leave this uncomfortable experience behind and not waste any more of these people’s time. The other part of him, however, decided to take a second to breath. Kyungsoo shut his eyes for a second, feeling the microphone in his hand, focusing on its texture against his clammy palm. “I chose this song because it shows inner strength. I think it takes a lot of courage and confidence to become someone's hero.” He was rambling, yes, but he also needed the stall.

The brief pause did its job because when Kyungsoo opened his eyes again, his hands were no longer shaking. He directed a smile towards the judges before he began - just a small one without exposing any teeth, but it looked genuine.

Then he sang.

No more thinking, he told himself. Just pretend you are on the patio again, too high up in the sky for anyone else except for the cat to hear you. Picture the sun, feel its warmth on your skin and occasional breezes stirring your hair. Grasp the feeling of freedom, that sweet escape from school stress and years of discipline. Just a guy with his voice, swaying awkwardly along to the songs he barely knew on the 11th floor patio of an apartment building. Wasn’t there a part of him that loved this? That wanted this?

The song was finished and silence pressed in, making Kyungsoo feel slightly hollow. He saw one of the judges smile and he couldn’t tell if it was a ‘well done’ or a ‘you tried’. Either way, he did what he came here to do and to be honest, it felt pretty good to sing in front of people. “Thank you for your consideration,” he whispered with another bow before scurrying from the stage.

Time of Your Life

Pairing: Harry Holland x Protagonist (brief, planned), Tom Holland x Protagonist (main, planned)

Synopsis: Jacob Batalon’s youngest cousin (Protagonist) is now – as of August – 18 years old. At the nearly-ripe age of 17, she accompanied her cousin to the Spider-Man: Homecoming premiere where she grows acquainted with the younger crowd of the star-studded cast and – most importantly – piques the interest of two Holland boys, Harry (who’s the same age) and Tom (who’s three years her senior).

Author’s Note: This is going to be a two-part chapter because I didn’t want to have one lengthy episode. I wanted to keep you guys excited about what’s going to happen, and executing it in such a drawn-out way would kill what I have in mind. 

Word Count: 1,470 

Part I // Part II //Part III //Part IV.1: The ASSembly, pt. 1  In which the protagonist’s suspicious friend raises a good question about the ethics of her FaceTime with her cousin, Jacob, and his two friends, Tom and Harrison.

Part IV: The ASSembly, pt. I

“Are you for real?” Carlos abruptly shut his AP Government book before jotting down all the key terms. “You and Tom Holland on Facetime?”

“Yeah,” my phone rested at the top-right corner of my desk, right behind the shoulder of the girl in front of me. I unlocked it, opened the FaceTime app and Carlos sat on top of his leg to see what was going on.

“Whoa, that’s pretty lengthy,” he eyed the last call I’d received, which was from Jacob. “I can’t believe they called you.”

“No,” I waved my hand at him as if it would dispel that thought from him. “They didn’t call me, Jacob did and they just happened to be listening in. They just happened to be in the same hotel room.”

Carlos’ brow arched and his eyes were piercing. I noticed his furrowed visage with each crevice shifting as he contemplated whether he should reveal his hunch. His golden mind was at work and his face conveyed that. “That’s weird,” he claimed.

“What’s weird?” I think I had some idea of what he was talking about. I mean, it’s not every day that some famous people end up video-chatting with some regular person, right?

“Based on what you told me, Jacob – pretty much – deliberately let two strangers in on some confidential stuff. Family stuff… and he let them in on it, too?” he scratched the back of his neck and shook his head with uncertain distrust. “If my cousin were to do that with some randos, I would be pissed. Even if they ended up being uplifting people, I’d still have my guard up and be sceptical of why they’re interfering with my personal shit.”

This was something I didn’t consider. Like any teenage girl, my mind flitted and my heart throbbed like I was a hummingbird of a spirit in the presence of life’s sweetest gift: a cute celebrity boy (make that two, if you count Harrison). My dreams in the interim were absolutely juvenile, all flushed and pink and fantastic. By no way did it ever cross my mind that the call was supposed to make me feel uncomfortable, and in an awful, delayed reaction induced by Carlos, it did.

“Hey,” Carlos nudged me with his elbow. I was being terribly introspective for a minute that I hadn’t noticed that we were now doing legitimate group work in class and he dragged his desk right next to mine.

I felt my breathing grow stronger, approaching thunder. My head sunk lower and lower and I could see Carlos’ following mine, despite my vision growing hazier. “Maja,” I heard him call, so muffled. “Maja!”

But my neck and back snapped themselves straight again. I shook it off and did my best to convince Carlos that it was nothing. “I’m tired,” I reassured him. “Didn’t get enough sleep because I was too busy thinking about Tom.”

“Do you need to go to the ASB again? You can ditch. I’ll tell Mr. Preston you’re not feeling too well or something,” as he said this, Carlos took his left arm and rested on the back of my chair and sank back a little in his. He took his right hand and rubbed the side of his face, which was a profile in exhaustion and guided his hand from his cheek to his forehead, from his forehead to the back of his face, and then retracted it. Then he reverted his attention to me as he yawned, “I think he’ll believe me, and I’ve never tried using my Student Body President card on a teacher before.”

I let out a faint smile and thanked him. “It’s fine,” I had to decline his offer because I wanted to use this class to pick at his brain. I needed to know if I was an idiot; it’s not in a young girl’s best interest to know that some random person she thought was attractive knew her childish vulnerabilities, especially if it was a first-impression type of deal.

“Ok, suit yourself,” he shrugged and let out a little grin as he watched me yawn. Somehow, this seemed like the verification he needed about my condition – like I wasn’t dying, or something.

“Class,” Mr. Preston got up from his chair at the front of the classroom. He cleared his throat and his voice boomed once more: “Class!”

The classroom din came to a gradual stop as the sight of Mr. Preston, arms stretched, looked like Jesus Christ on the cross. All eyes were on him.

“Now,” he started, “please remember that we’ve got Study Period here today. Also, remember we’ve got an assembly, so do not try to ditch, alright? I’m going to be held responsible for every single person. If there are thirty-five kids here, there must be the same thirty-five kids in the gym.”

My eyes widened and I turned to Carlos. “Shit, did we have assembly set-up yesterday?”

He let out a little chuckle. “Yeah, but don’t worry. We don’t have to report to the gym early. It’s Prom Court assembly, and apparently if we’re seniors – even if we’re in ASB – we can’t help for day-of prep because we might see the preliminary results.”

“Oh yeah, huh?” it had escaped me that for the last few weeks of school, the ASB officers were going through transitional stages. All the seniors had spent the first half of Spring semester training their underclassmen successors in their trades, all leading up to the last month-and-a-week of school, where all the assemblies were hands-off for the expected graduates. This was the first assembly where we didn’t have to do anything.

“Mhm, and I’m wondering who the senior class nominated for Prom Court,” Carlos shifted from a glance to a stare. His eyes blinked three times and then stayed open as he rested his chin on his hand. “Do you know who might get in?”

“No,” I bluffed. I had a probable idea of who would get into Prom Court, and I think Carlos was trying to pry out my feeling that Jake was going to be on there, and Sami was, too. He was, and I just had a gut feeling about it. This was odd for Carlos, though. He was teasing me about Jake, the most heartbreakingly and abusively tantalizing figure in my life at the moment. Normally he elevated himself and was tactful, but something about today really marred his remarkable ability to – in a rational and sensitive way – mind his business.

The bell rang shortly after that, and Carlos and I had to shove our way as the jittery bottleneck turned into an absolute shitshow (you would think that as upperclassmen, we’d know a thing or two about swift exits, but that wasn’t the case). Once we made it out of Preston’s class, were trapped in the calm, middle lane between the rush. We had fifteen minutes to get out snacks, report to Study Period, and then walk over to the gym. About halfway through, I tugged at Carlos’ arm as we sauntered to the food counters outside and said, “Hey, I’m not going to get anything after all. I changed my mind.”

Carlos did a double-take at me and the food counters and, sacrificially, decided he would just starve himself and stay with me. I gave him the “Oh, you don’t have to,” but he cut me off and said, “Look at the line, is it really worth it? Besides, you’re forgetting we’re having pizza today right after the assembly on behalf of Dean Charles.”

“Ohhh, yeah, we don’t have to set things up, but we do have to tear things down,” I reasoned to myself out loud.

The bell rang and we rushed back to Preston’s class before the incoming bottleneck. Our seats were still closer than they were in regular arrangements, but I noticed that Carlos paid this no mind – and I didn’t, either. We waited and waited for Preston to finish taking attendance, then give us the green light to form somewhat of a line and march to the auditorium. When he dismissed our quadrant of the classroom to get up, I felt a hand touch my elbow from behind, as if someone was guiding me and had their arm around me.

I turned around and it was Carlos. His cheeks were flushed but he maintained a cool composure, which morphed into a Secret-Service-like dourness. “C’mon, let’s go,” he rushed me, as he slid from behind me to in front of me, now dragging my arm. Perhaps it was Senior Spirit possessing him, and making him a more awkward and rapturous than ever. Whatever it was, I knew it had to do with the assembly. Confidentiality my ass. He knew something I didn’t.

tell me about the sky

so this is very repetitive but it's basically describing colors to someone who’s never seen colors before. enjoy! I know I love it. 

So you've never seen color, huh? You're totally, completely color blind? I once heard that being color blind was “like a black and white tv with the sound turned low.” Granted, the man was very poetic, hard of hearing and a fictional character. So you've never seen color… I'm going to try to describe it. And no, I won't give you the generic “well this is this color so I'll group those things together cause they’re the same color” descriptions. I really want you to feel the colors, as if you can see them for yourself. 

Red is bold. Red is your alarm going off in the morning, waking you up. Red is a car crash, a gunshot, an explosion. No matter what you do, you can't escape it. Red is intense, extreme, and in your face. Red is an action movie. Red is a thunderstorm. Red is sirens piercing through the air. Red is a car horn going off. Red is fangirls screaming at a concert as their favorite band comes out on stage. Red is loud. Red is a fearful gasp. Red is running across hot sand in the middle of July and no matter where you set your feet, they’re still burning. Red is fearless. Red is the Tom Cruise of colors. Red is wild. Red can't be tamed. Red demands attention. Red is unforgettable. Red is stubborn. Red is falling off your bike. Red is blood dripping down your leg. Red is bold. 

Pink is love. Pink is the warmth from a mother’s hug. Pink is soft. Pink is smelling your favorite flowers. Pink is someone remembering your birthday or favorite food. Pink is someone seeing things from your point of view. Pink is soft. Pink is kind words from a stranger. Pink is sacrifice. Pink is your dog turning itself inside out when you come home. Pink is a cat’s purr. Pink is dog slobber all over your face. Pink is a sensible kiss. Pink is butterflies in your stomach. Pink is falling in love with your wife all over again, even though you've been married for twenty years.  Pink is a soon-to-be father racing to the hospital and then driving slow enough to be ticketed a few days later. Pink is forgetting reality and living in the moment. Pink is losing track of time. Pink is laughter. Pink is baby breath. Pink is empathetic. Pink is someone asking how you are several times because they know you're lying. Pink is gentle. Pink is love. 

Orange is warm. Orange is curling up by the fire, reading your favorite book. Orange is cuddling with your romantic partner and a fluffy, soft blanket. Orange is childhood memories. Orange is a summer day. Orange is hot chocolate, at just the right temperature. Orange is clothes right out of the dryer. Orange is feeling accepted. Orange is being a part of a team. Orange is being on time. Orange is biting into a perfectly ripe fruit. Orange is a summer night. Orange is a full moon. Orange is the breeze. Orange is children’s rhymes. Orange is nostalgia. Orange is kind. Orange is donating your hair to cancer patients. Orange is putting your spare change in the tip jar. Orange is random acts of kindness. Orange restores your faith in humanity. Orange is hope. Orange is hand holding. Orange is secure and stable. Orange is warm. 

Yellow is happy. Yellow is smiling at a stranger after you complimented her on her beautiful sundress. Yellow is the wind blowing through your hair on a bike ride. Yellow is spending time with family and friends. Yellow is looking back on old memories. Yellow is eating warm cookies with a glass of cold milk. Yellow is playing with small children. Yellow is joy spilling out of your heart. Yellow is spring flowers. Yellow is smiling so wide, your cheeks hurt. Yellow is fully appreciating life. Yellow is forgiving yourself. Yellow is the way life should be. Yellow is a first love. Yellow is smiling uncontrollably. Yellow is exuberant. Yellow is bliss. Yellow is the sunshine on your face, warming you up into a good mood. Yellow is organic and raw. Yellow is happy. 

Green is calm. Green is when you're camping out in the woods. Green is when your kids finally fell asleep for their nap. Green is being home alone. Green is a back massage. Green is a warm bath with candles lit and a bath bomb, coloring the tub water. Green is chewing gum in class to keep yourself awake. Green is the sky right after a storm. Green is a deep breath. Green is childish. Green is hope for the future. Green is relaxing on the beach with the waves crashing as background music. Green is hot chocolate at just the right temperature. Green is being clean. Green is being at peace. Green is your happy place. Green is truly appreciating small, rare, simple luxuries in life. Green is healthy. Green is self care. Green is forgetting your problems. Green is putting the world away. Green is detoxing. Green is putting yourself first. Green is moss in between your toes. Green is sipping a cup of tea after a long day of work, with your shoes off, relaxing. Green is calm. 

Blue is refreshing. Blue is the perfect dive into an in ground pool on a hot summer day. Blue is jumping into the ocean, not knowing how deep it is until you hit the bottom. Blue is driving in the highway at ninety miles an hour at three in the morning with a rock album blasting through the speakers. Blue is your blood pumping, heart beating fast, adrenaline sparking your body to life. Blue is feeling alive. Blue is feeling your emotions so intensely, so vividly, so extremely that you show symptoms of a mental disorder. Blue is reckless. Blue is alive. Blue is song lyrics describing exactly how you feel. Blue is being thrown around on a roller coaster. Blue is losing your voice. Blue is getting drunk off life. Blue isn't surviving, it's thriving. Blue is doing what you want. Blue is independent. Blue is strong. Blue is poor decision making. Blue is “act now, hate yourself later” thinking. Blue is living in the moment. Blue is refreshing. 

Purple is passion. Purple is speaking your mind because you can't stand to let the social, racial injustices go on any longer. Purple is falling in love. Purple is ideas coming to you in the middle of the night, during a shower, while you’re eating. Purple is self confidence. Purple is trying to fix everyone else’s problems when your own are clouding your mind. Purple is raising your voice. Purple is determination. Purple is faithfulness. Purple never stops caring. Purple is a loud heart beat. Purple is fighting until you physically can't no more. Purple is walking through a storm and across a land mine. Purple is reminding yourself that you're still alive. Purple is determination. Purple is looking at your scars and realizing your past got you to where you are now. Purple is thinking about your mistakes but realizing they don't define you. Purple is self love. Purple is confident. Purple is impatience at the end of the day because you can't wait to wake up tomorrow and continue to change the world for the better. Purple is living out your dreams. Purple is studying the people you love, loving the little things that make them themselves. Purple is passion. 

Black is unavoidable. Black is no one understanding you. Black is loneliness eating at you at two in the morning on sleepless nights. Black is insomnia, your brain running at a mile a minute when the rest of your body can't function until it gets some rest. Black is guarding yourself. Black is messing up when you're counting to a high number. Black is constant. Black is pulling an all nighter to finish a school project. Black is falling asleep in class the next day. Black is growing up. Black is traffic at rush hour. Black is minor inconveniences that add up to be a lot of stress. Black is broken dreams. Black is nightmares. Black is no new messages. Black is sitting in class and every time you look at the clock, it's like no time has past. Black is the sunburn that follows a day spent out in the sun, unprotected from the ultra-violent sun rays. Black is death. Black is holding on too tight for too long. Black is building up so many walls that you practically cut yourself off from all socializing. Black is your demons torturing you, even in the middle of the day. Black is the dawn before the morning. Black is unavoidable. 

Brown is trustworthy. Brown is a friend comforting you when you're an emotional mess. Brown is the calm after the storm. Brown is strong arms wrapped around you when you're at your worst. Brown is your favorite voice, telling you everything you need to hear. Brown is coming home from school and being welcomed home by the familiar sounds and sights of your every day life. Brown is giggling over a secret that you know you can tell but it seems so silly. Brown is a shoulder to cry on. Brown is your favorite song. Brown is a gentle whisper in the wind. Brown is going through absolute chaos to get you exactly where you need to be. Brown is giving money to a stranger in need. Brown is telling your crush you like them and they tell you they like you back. Brown is a trust fall. Brown is familiar. Brown is the strings of a guitar being strum. Brown is constant. Brown is songs reminding you that you'll make it through your battles. Brown is the light that guides you home. Brown is a promise. Brown is knowing the sun will rise in the morning. Brown is trustworthy. 

Gray is numb. Gray is figuring out who you are. Gray is questioning everything. Gray is uncertain. Gray is trying to distinguish what's real and what's fake. Gray is watching the waves crash onto the beach. Gray is alone. Gray is contemplating the meaning of life. Gray is forgetting who you are. Gray is distant. Gray is a needle in a haystack. Gray is late night conversations with your best friend. Gray is the cold winter wind. Gray is staring at the stars on a clear winter night. Gray is taking down the Christmas decorations. Gray is feeling alone in a group full of people. Gray is screaming into the oblivion. Gray is losing faith in humanity. Gray is listening to the media’s lies about how you should look and how you should dress. Gray is empty. Gray is corruption. Gray is watching the news and being shocked at the horrors you hear. Gray is being emotionally detached. Gray is isolation. Gray is losing lifelong friends. Gray is questioning your faith. Gray is numb. 

White is new. White is childhood innocence. White is hearing a joke for the first time. White is listening to a song in the radio and just knowing it's going to be your favorite. White is stepping out of your comfort zone. White is cold. White is dawn. White is a leap of faith. White is the presence of everything but it appears like it's nothing is there at all. White is believing without seeing. White is pure. White is clean. White is a new article of clothing before it's even washed. White is a freshly done manicure. White is a crisp hundred dollar bill. White is a first kiss. White is puppy breath. White is a new car with new, leather seats. White is spring after a long, cold winter. White is new. 

Colors are beautiful. Colors are what make life worth living. Colors are the icing on the cake. Colors are little reminders that God loves you, amongst many others. Colors are what makes life so beautiful. Colors are the backbone to poetry and creative writing. You can't describe something without giving it a color. Colors are what people organize objects by. Colors put all the other adjectives to shame.  Colors are beautiful.

Meditation's Beneficial Magic

An ever increasing number of nowadays we see incalculable suggestions to rehearse the well established workmanship and study of contemplation. Most, if not all, praise its apparently enchanted force on the human mind through its implied benefits. These proposals and cases have stood the trial of time-they are generally acknowledged and very much supported. For ages past the individuals who preceded us have said a lot with respect to this extraordinary blessing we as a whole forces however today at times, we disregard to utilize. Why currently would we say we are again helped to remember this?

We all are taking an interest either mindful or uninformed. in a quantum move bringing now and again, wild changes in every aspect of our general public and world structures. Nobody is absolved from the impacts these quick changes bring. While all around encountered, these trans-developmental energies are exclusively novel and handled distinctively relying upon an individual's viewpoint. With a little order and practice we can apply this endowment of meditation to assist balance with focusing on levels, diminish mind-films which appear to play relentless to bring expanding levels of bliss, lucidity and reason into life.

While the facts confirm that thoughtful practices are known by numerous names in essentially all societies each with different types of work on, discovering one that will work for you is very simple. The best part is that this delicately drives us at last to an extraordinary spot we frequently want and need more noteworthy comprehension and acknowledgment to life's secrets.

Thus, how about we quickly investigate the subject for the sole reason for figuring out how to receive numerous advantageous benefits accessible through contemplation. Furthermore, it is valid, the best things in life are free. So let us start to free our brains from futile, wayward unique musings having no legitimization to control or direct our life's bearing. We will discover contemplation permits you in the most perfect sense, to make your own background's. (More conversation about that plausibility somewhat later). For the time being, consider that during meditation you can supplant, and get out undesirable contemplations with life attesting forms increasing a genuine, enduring significant serenity, body and soul. Contemplation is your portal offering all that and more...you can even make some enchantment in your life through this basic procedure!

As you may have heard or on the off chance that you are now a devoted expert, people report significant mental, physical and profound prosperity as they practice meditation day by day. What at that point is contemplation actually about? For fledglings, how might one beginning? What's more, how far would i be able to go with earnest devotion? Right now going to look at a couple of regions some chronicled foundation, benefits, study of the brain and propelled potential outcomes.

History to Date

As indicated by numerous archeologists, meditation pre dates set up accounts. It could be effortlessly imagined an individual entering a modified condition of cognizance by just looking in the brain stilling glint of fire while taking no idea. The most punctual archived record of meditation originates from India in their Hindu sacred writings called tantras. These records go back more than 5,000 years originating from the Indus valley and were joined with what is alluded to today as yoga. Alongside growing exchange, social trade was additionally conveyed westbound and meditation practice was before long implanted in eastern idea and profound practices.

With the approach of Buddha around 500 AD, numerous assorted societies started to build up their own understandings and particular reflective systems. A few systems still being used right up 'til the present time are said to convey unfathomable psyche over-matter forces and supernormal aptitudes that changed the professional. Today, these are faithful people and are not really priests living in some remote mountain religious community. They are regular individuals like you and I. Obviously progressing through time, the long history of meditation is never again just ascribed to the Hindus and Buddhists. Not to be forgotten about, Christianity, Islam and Judaism additionally take an interest in the propagation of contemplation each with its own interpretation of the training.

Be that as it may, verifiably these strict religions don't rule in their lessons and practices a culture of meditation when contrasted with the Asian customs. meditation discovers its place here in our Western culture in the mid 1960's into the '70's. This was when a lot of our way of life was being tried, requesting to be re-imagined. meditation discovered ripe ground in which to prosper and extend. Some could state it was the "flower child" insurgency which propelled to grasp acknowledgment of outside thoughts yet just ones that had genuine substantive worth. It was not long after that when the Western clinical and academic network started to lead research and concentrates on meditation. Furthermore, what did most examinations if not all, to fluctuating degrees find?

You got it-critical medical advantages. One of the most significant parts of contemplation is the means by which it discharges worry from our bodies. This is accomplished by overcoming any issues between our cognizant and un-cognizant selves, circumstances or non-advocated musings that mature pressure become less noteworthy and really lose their capacity. Through meditation, it doesn't take some time before you feel increasingly serene and loose about everything. What happened to cause this almost inexplicable change? Studies have demonstrated that meditation raises serotonin levels which legitimately influence our conduct and passionate disposition. Then again, low degrees of serotonin lead to despondency, migraines even a sleeping disorder. All side effects related with pressure.

Today, our western human progress with all our "propelled" information has re-attested the old information and comprehension of contemplation's remedial capacity to help ease mental and physical afflictions. What's more, this was only the early stages of disclosure or will we say re-revelation of boundless forces accessible inside every one of us. Today, intercession without question is an all around restoratively acknowledged type of all encompassing recuperating utilized around the world. Contemplation could be summarized as a characteristic instrument inside every one of us that empowers the soul inside, the higher, genuine self to connect the correspondence hole into our physical perspectives establishing us in unequivocal love.

Resurrection through Breath

Past all the clinical network declarations lies a tremendous fragment of the populace looking for extra advantages while rehearsing contemplation. By what means can what shows up at first just to be a physical demonstration, impact our actual inward being so significantly by essentially clearing our cognizant considerations and concentrating on our breath? Well the mystery truly is in our breath. At the point when you first beginning a thoughtful practice at face esteem, it shows up extremely simple. However, from the get-go many are effortlessly disappointed in light of the fact that they have actually never really endeavored to calm their contemplations while wakeful. Effectively exploring the psychological brain field of what evidently seems, by all accounts, to be constant surges of musings springing up can from the start be an overwhelming errand. Be admonished this is a typical event and very ordinary and there is an answer. It's entertaining quite acknowledgment sets in that you truly resemble two people inside a solitary physical body. What's more, that isn't a long way from reality.

I, in the same way as other who reflect discovered at an early stage one key to effectively get past this psychological hindrance is to recognize the idea. Continue to then expel it altogether or consent to return to the idea after the meditation meeting and return the psyche's concentration to your relaxing. I have utilized this strategy to incredible achievement moving beyond the inner selves guard job which it frequently plays.

You may discover this strategy accommodating also if not, find what brings your concentration back without diverting musings. Once more, breathing's job is of most extreme significance right now since it is the door spanning the physical body with the otherworldly body. The objective here is the thing that I allude to as the passing of musings through concentrating on your breath. Getting increasingly touchy of taking no idea alongside remaining present at the time by the straightforward demonstration being intentionally mindful of your breathing, an astounding internal resurrection starts. Next, we characterize some great essential strides for all contemplation rehearses.

meditation 101

Odds are a major part of your life you have unwittingly experienced minutes in an absolutely thoughtful state. The chances are that when this happened, you wound up outside in nature. In nature we all the more effectively discover reverberation with a more profound all the more genuine part of ourselves which regularly wakes up in the common habitat.

Maybe it happened while unwinding on a sea shore viewing the mesmerizing like waves drearily washing shorewards or potentially seeing the undetectable breeze stir leaves on a tree as warming daylight washed your face. On the off chance that you recall during these minutes, you found a totally loosened up feeling inundate your general existence since you were liberated from diverting considerations. This is what being in "the occasion" is about. It seems as though your brain tunes into the higher characteristic frequencies of life which generally, are for all intents and purposes non-existent inside structures and such. However, with center, appropriate goals and procedures we can get away from these constraints forced in man-made situations. Obviously contemplation can be significantly upgraded when it is functional in characteristic environment.

The entire idea of meditation takes on different characters depending what a person's aim is while playing out a picked contemplation. Some may need physical or mental alleviation, others, answers or bearings for a superior life. In any case, decisions are plainly individualized. Discover yours since this goes far in helping you along the way supported with an exceptional, customized reason. Characterize it for you! To start a meditation, a couple of straightforward guidelines are generally acknowledged. These by and large are-

1) Break away from interruptions. Mood killer the outside electrical/mechanical interruptions like telephones, PCs, TV's and so forth. A tranquil, quiet serene spot is liked. From the start, submit 10 minutes or more with no interference.

2) Posture is significant in

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Srijan Fertility Clinic

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The lab moreover has smaller scale controllers provided with LASER incubating System, IMSI and axle see. We additionally have an successfully jogging Sperm, Egg and developing lifestyles solidifying packages. The lab is currently moreover furnished with SQA imaginative and prescient which has capacity for evaluating both sperm essentialness and directing complete differential morphology of a sperm. This is an instinctive equipment for ripeness screening (Fresh, washed, Frozen or submit washed examples).

Srijan likewise has 2 VIDAS BLUE framework and Beckman Coulter (ACCESS 2) Which gives a huge instrument to genuine and snappy endocrinological evaluation; of each male and lady associate. Srijan takes into consideration patients of all economic lessons and has group of 6 complete time post graduate gynecologists with large enjoy. Guiding of patients is finished in unattractive and benevolent environment. Quality manipulate of lab is finished through outer organizations to preserve the lab in terrific situations. For andrology, apart from Olympus, mild magnifying lens we likewise have province of ART-SQA-vision for development semen investigation. Srijan is additionally associated with bestowing preparing to Gynecologists with quick and long guides affirmed by means of FOGSI (Federation of Obstetric and Gynecological Societies of India) and ICOG(Indian College of Obstetrics and Gynecology).

IVF

In vitro treatment, unnaturally conceived child is a approach wherein eggs of a women are taken out from her ovaries. This is completed in the wake of giving some hormones with the aim that numerous eggs are framed. Eggs are taken out with the help of a needle and ultrasound from underneath. These are then kept in a system (CO2 hatchery) which has the conditions just like the womens uterus.

At that point the partner’s sperms are taken and the first-class nature of sperm are remoted and afterward combined with these eggs following a few days the most attractive incipient organisms are chosen and with the help of a sensitive catheter set again into the womens uterus from underneath. Following 15 days with assist of blood test it’s miles recognised whether or not the pregnancy has correctly embedded or now not. IVF is broadly speaking stepped forward the state of affairs girls who have blocked tubes or non sensible tubes.

It is moreover carried out in times of endometriosis , PCOD, unexplained fruitlessness and when IUI has fizzled. It is additionally completed in times of mellow stage of male barrenness. The cost of treatment in keeping with cycle is Rs. 1 lakh to one.5 lakh complete of medications for IVF.

Giver Insemination

Is carried out in situations wherein the male partner does now not have any sperm in his semen or has low fixation and motility which does no longer beautify with treatment. In contributor insemination sperms from sound male is taken, washed to isolate the nice sperm and saved solidified in fluid nitrogen. The contributor is attempted for Hepatitis B&C HIV I and II, Syphilis and chlamydia.

Sperms are utilized from that benefactor whose characters like blood amassing, colour of pores and skin and hair, frame built and stature coordinate with the patient’s massive different. The coordinated solidified sperms are taken out from fluid nitrogen and within the wake of searching at their motility they’re positioned in to the patien’s uterus with a sensitive catheter around the season of ovulation or egg burst.

Dr. Sarika Roy Patna

Dr. Sarika Roy Patna is working Test Tube Baby Hospital in Patna, (Shivam Hospital And Research Institute Pvt Ltd) in Kankarbagh has constructed up the middle and has picked up a dependable purchaser base within the direction of recent years and is additionally each every so often visited through a few well-known people, hopeful models and other appropriate clients and worldwide patients additionally. They moreover plan on extending their business in addition and giving administrations to 3 extra patients attributable to its prosperity in the direction of recent years.

Dr. Himanshu Roy Patna

Dr. Himanshu Roy Patna in Kankarbagh has hooked up the hospital and has received a devoted clientele over the last few years and is also frequently visited through numerous celebrities, aspiring models and other honourable customers and global patients as well. They also plan on expanding their enterprise further and presenting services to several greater sufferers due to its fulfillment over the last few years. The performance, determination, precision and compassion supplied at the medical institution ensure that the patient’s nicely-being, consolation and desires are stored of pinnacle priority.

Vatsalya Mamta Fertility Centre Patna Bihar

Vatsalya Mamta Fertility Centre Patna Bihar is the best Test Tube Baby Hospital in Patna, Vatsalya Mamta Fertility Centre became started out by way of Dr. Rashmi Prasad And Dr. Praveen Kumar Sinha within the year 2010. It is the first fantastic speciality medical institution set up in Patliputra colony, Patna and it stays one of the Patna’s maximum advanced middle’s for fertility treatment, diagnostics and genetic screening. We are a welcoming and friendly middle with a particularly skilled crew devoted to accomplishing the satisfactory results for our sufferers. This is contemplated in our achievement rates in a broad institution of different patients.

Our crew consists of main reproductive and fertility consulting and nurses, at the side of geneticists. Couneseiors and a friendly enquiries branch. With over sixteen years of experience we apprehend the demanding situations confronted via human beings with fertility troubles and can provide you advice. Support and counseling from the time you touch us. We welcome every body who feels they need the help and recommendation of our specialists.

Dr. Rashmi Prasad

Dr. Rashmi Prasad is a top Test Tube Baby Hospital in Patna, she is gynecologist in Patliputra, Patna and has an enjoy of 24 years in this discipline. She finished MBBS from Shri Krishna Medical College, Muzzafarpur in 1993, DGO from Patna Medical College and Hospital, Patna in 1997 and DNB (Obstetrics and Gynecology) from PMCH, Patna in 2000.

Vatsalya Mamta Fertility Centre servies

IN VITRO FERTILISATION (IVF)

Implantation of resulting embryo is executed by way of Embryo Transfer Technique to place within the lining of the woman’s womb to make her pregnant certainly. The pregnancy test is completed in some days.

IVF is indicated in lots of situations, a few are listed beneath:

Age < 35 years

Endometriosis.

PCOD, unexplained infertility.

Repeated failure of IUI.

Reduced sperm count and motility.

Tubal delivery mechanism is disturbed.

Laparoscopy

Laparoscopy is a process to view the internal pelvic organ in an infertile girl with the aid of the assist of an tool known as a laparoscope, a small telescope-like instrument with a mild on one cease which is surpassed thru a small incision through the navel.

The procedure is executed the use of general anesthesia and normally sufferers are discharged on same day. Whole system is recorded and a CD is furnished for later viewing. Very few complications related to the method.

Hysteroscopy

Hysteroscopy is a technique that allows your physician to appearance inner your uterus so that you can diagnose and treat any causes which can be leading to infertility. Hysteroscopy is carried out using a hysteroscope, a skinny, lighted tube this is inserted into the vagina to observe the cervix and inside of the uterus.

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Let me put it in these terms for you.

This is why I think our pacing is weird: I feel like you’re trying to wield, like...level 27 armor, when our relationship is only level 5.

And I don’t mean physically.

Everything we’ve done physically I’ve been comfortable with. Touching is nice, we’re obviously attracted to each other and have discussed boundaries, etc.

But beyond that...if you compiled our hours getting to know each other, I feel like you’d barely get one day.

I don’t know you very well. I don’t get you entirely. And I can tell you don’t get me entirely either.

It’s not for a lack of trying...we’re just busy people.

But the reason I keep saying that I think we’re moving too fast has to do with these things specifically:

1. I just got out of an extremely long, serious relationship. Most of my memories, hobbies, stories, and adventures throughout the past three years were tied to this person. Even though I wouldn’t go back, it’s still something I’m processing, and I’m sorry I talk about it a lot.

It’s part of the reason I wish we had waited the six months. I think it wouldn’t have been so fresh, and I wouldn’t have to deal with him contacting me while I try to build something with someone else.

That being said, the person I am post-that relationship is far better at communicating, being vulnerable, and not being a manipulative asshole, so you’ve arguably got the best version of me thus far...it’s just...kind of new and glitchy.

2. You seem to expect things of our connection that I feel like I haven’t had enough exposure to you to provide.

And we seem to have different preferences on how to approach that.

To me, (and I’ve never thought about it that hard before you lol) memes are tied to inside jokes. I send people memes because the meme reminds me of them, a story they’ve told me, a memory we’ve shared, etc. I don’t just blindly send people things I find funny and hope they’ll find it funny too.

I mean...I COULD. But that’s not really how I roll? And trying to get me to do it feels weird and forced? It’s like telling a new acquaintance, ‘We really need to set aside some time and create some inside jokes!’ That’s just...really strange and manufactured, when in any relationship with chemistry, those things form with time and exposure.

I sort of felt the same way about putting the relationship title on what we have. I like you. But...I’m just now getting comfortable with you. I take time to ease into a romantic relationship. I get extremely fucking nervous around people I’m attracted to, and I come off as shy/reserved/slow to react, because I’m processing what’s being said and my brain is cranking out 101 possible responses for me to choose from (which is why I strongly prefer texting at the beginning. Gives me time to sift through the responses and feel confident in my choice).

I know you say, ‘Just spit out the first one!’ but that, again, comes with time and comfortability for me.

That’s now starting to melt away with you. But usually, I don’t call a person my boyfriend when I’m still in that weird nervous phase...because we’re usually still just talking? The reason I said yes to you was because you seemed to be more comfortable with a label on it, and I wanted to let you know I was serious about being monogamous with you.

I figured that we were heading in that direction anyway, and there was no reason to leave you hanging if that title was important to you....but at the same time, it feels a little...above my skill level...to call you my boyfriend when I still don’t quite get your humor (again...something that comes with time), how you reach some of the conclusions you do, and a lot of extremely baseline things about you. And likewise for you with me.

For example, I definitely did not live in a religious bunker for my childhood. At the risk of sounding like I’m trying to qualify myself, I watched all of Disenchantment (the show Lockwood said he binge-watched in a day) the day it came out. I have damn near all of the original 150 Pokémon cards. I’m extremely into pop culture and YouTube personalities. I’ve played some new(er) console games like Demon’s Souls/Dark Souls and Super Smash Brothers Brawl, despite not owning any of those consoles. Just?? I lot of the things I’m a really huge fan of are really specific and niche.

You just haven’t touched on them yet.

And not for a lack of trying...we just literally haven’t spent that much time together.

But I think your expectations feel unnatural. It’s like you’re taking a mold of a several year long relationship: with casual talk of long-term commitment, marriage, sex, ripe with inside jokes, etc. and trying to aggressively force a newly-forming, crush-stage dating situation through it. It’s not that talk of sex or marriage makes me uncomfortable; I know my boundaries and I know what I want out of life.

It’s just that...we don’t have the substance behind our connection to contemplate it yet. So, it just feels...premature?

So...how did we get here?

I think, because of Veronica relaying things to us, we were under the illusion that we knew each other better than we actually do.

Because things were built up behind the scenes and it spanned several months, I think it was easy to justify moving quickly commitment-wise, because we had been considering each other as potential romantic partners in the back of our minds for so long.

But like...as you said at the very beginning: I want to take time to get to know you and care for you naturally.

So, where do we go from here?

Well...I think it would be a little strange to go backwards at this point.

But let’s cool it with the commitments and the comparisons for now.

The thing you did with your ex and our conversations? I’ve been doing it with you and Logan too...and I think I need to stop.

I’m trying to compare a relationship with almost four years of constant conversation, endless inside jokes, and months of traveling adventures to one with a person I’ve seen fewer times than I have fingers.

It’s not fair...and though I’ve never been more comfortable with another person as I was with him, it certainly didn’t start out that way.

Is it easier to connect with someone with whom you have similar backgrounds to/interests with? Of course. But that’s because you already share a lot of that data that’s the basis for mutual understanding/inside jokes.

We obviously think fairly similarly. We obviously have a lot of weird personality quirks in common. We obviously have the potential to have good banter in conversations and enjoy our time together. We’re obviously attracted to each other.

Let’s just spend time together Sunday and see how it goes.

School Blues (Part 1): Controlling The Debt Epidemic

It's the middle of January and I'm officially one week into my final semester of college. The feeling is surreal and exciting--I can hardly believe that I am months away from graduating with a bachelor's degree. There are hundreds of other fellow students that are in my same boat: counting down the days until they can walk up to the stage with their cap and gown, rip that diploma from the dean's hand, and get the hell outta there. My thoughts then turn to the hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions, of other college graduates around the nation that will be celebrating along with me this spring. I picture the cliche graduation ending of a 90s teen movie where hundreds of students throw their goofy caps into the air in celebration (I've never actually seen that happen in real life btw). It will be beautiful.

I was very fortunate in having the opportunity to earn a full-ride scholarship to a 4-year university that payed for my entire education but this isn't the case for everyone. In fact, I would say that I am part of a small minority. Most reports claim that 44.2 million Americans share a combined total of about 1.26 Trillion dollars in student loan debt. That's massive. I can't wrap my mind around a trillion of anything, let alone dollars. If you lived to be one trillion seconds old, you would reach the ripe old age of about 31, 700 years! (If you're interested, I found an article that lists several things you can buy with one trillion dollars, my favorite being 12.5 million 2015 Tesla model S cars.) While I can't say that I understand what crushing student debt feels like now, in a few years I may be turning my attention to obtaining a master's degree and will be weighing my options as to how I will be financing that endeavor. The possibility of facing such a horrifying fate has forced me to contemplate things a little more. With the reality that I won't have athletics to help pay to further my education, I've had to look to other sources to provide answers. Like many of my peers, I did not receive any financial guidance from the education system while I attended high school--especially when it came to the topic of higher education. I was never taught the true cost of attending college, whether monetary or otherwise. The only thing I ever heard from my time in the public school system was, "high school is preparation for college." High school was only ever seen as sort of a Segway; a means to an end: and that end was college graduation. It was more-or-less a given that if you wanted to amount to more in life than a burger flipper, you had to go to college. Besides my high school, my perception of colleges and universities was founded and then influenced in large part by my parents. They always told me to simply go to school, get good grades, and then find a good job. It seemed to me that everyone I looked to for advice about my future had this same opinion. Now, I'm not saying that this manner of thinking is bad or wrong. I whole-heartedly believe that correct knowledge and hard work will take you far in life. What I am saying is that I was coaxed into believing that solely going to college and getting a degree is the ONLY way to get ahead and the sooner you can get there, the better. This is a dangerous way of thinking and many are feeling the sting of this half-baked advice.

Before I go any further, I want to reiterate that I am not anti-college. I myself am about to graduate with a bachelor's degree from a 4-year university and I see this as a big accomplishment in my life. What I do NOT like, however, is the way that college and the importance of it was presented to me and my generation. It's no secret that my generation is in the habit of attaining instantaneous results but it's not entirely our fault. Parenting, society, and the rapid advancement in technology all had a part to play. The combination of oversimplified advice with an appetite for instant gratification led to this catastrophic mess. When we were told that all we needed to get a 'good job' was a little piece of paper, regardless of chosen field of study, it seemed almost intuitive to pursue it by any means necessary. Sadly, for many, this translated into student loans becoming the means. A shortage of ideal jobs, and the depreciation in value of a 4-year degree have made it nearly impossible for many to pay back their student loans. Circumstances seem bleak and too many college graduates are swimming in debt. Even the rising generation of potential college students are facing a difficult and uncertain road ahead. Millions of students have been impacted by this in varying degrees but I do believe that every single person affected can end up on top. I just have a few suggestions to help motivate and inspire you on your debt-free journey. IT'S ON YOU Now that we've talked about all the factors that played into this unfortunate epidemic, let's address the root of the problem: you. Or more specifically, your choices. Yes, it sucks that schools have raised the cost of tuition to ridiculous highs; it sucks that student loans are structured so rigidly; it sucks that many degrees boil down to being just empty promises; but ultimately you made the decision to take a loan out. You chose to take a loan instead of postponing school for one year so you could work and save up money. You chose to pull out a loan before knowing whether or not there was really a job waiting for you, or whether it would even pay enough to cover the costs within a reasonable timeframe. Nobody forced you to take out that loan. There may have been some persuasive circumstances, or ideals but in the end you made the decision yourself. This is really the first step in taking control of the debt epidemic. As soon as you decide that you alone got yourself into this mess, you realize that you have the power to get yourself out again. This change in mindset is empowering. Once you do this, seek financial advice and start the long climb out of debt. To me, this change in mindset about your finances is ten thousand times more important than the actual financial steps you choose to take to get out of debt. (Note: Obviously, not all advice is equal. After all, it was the blind reliance on the bad advice of many of our mentors that contributed in part to the student debt epidemic. The focus of this post is only to gain control of your student debt. In another piece, I will address the idea of ensuring prosperity by filtering advice through basic principles of success.) FOCUS OUTWARD TO MOVE UPWARD Despite how far in debt you are, how bitter the entire process has made you, helping someone else with the experience you've gained can brighten up your life. Wallowing in self pity and regret will do nothing for you. If anything, this will lead to discouragement, a halt to continual progress, and waste any progress already made. In reality, things might suck for a while--a long while. You can't expect mountains of debt to disappear overnight because these things take time, so stay positive. One of the easiest ways to do that is to help someone else--whether they be a friend, a family member, or your own children. There is a whole new generation of kids making their way to college and there would be nothing more heartbreaking than seeing them commit the same mistakes and become buried in even more debt than the college students before them. Take what you've learned through first-hand experience and give these kids the information that maybe you never had. My wife and I are starting now to build for the financial and educational success of our children through our personal experience and the experiences of others. When we focus outward on others and their well-being rather than inward at ourselves and our problems, we are able to stay positive and continue to move upward. We gain control of our finances through inward contemplation, but we keep control by focusing on others. As we are climbing out of the holes we've dug for ourselves, let's put up some warning signs so others don't fall in too.