#smoked too much weed just now
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your symptoms are just as worthy of acknowledgment, acceptance/lack of judgement, and treatment even if they're not included in "you're so valid 🌸" posts.
people with homicidal thoughts or urges to harm others. people with narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder and any other disorders that can lead to a disregard for others in any sort of presentation. people with "scary" psychosis symptoms/reactions, including lashing out. people that aren't ready to get sober or clean or even decrease their use at all yet, and are very much so in active addiction. etc.
so fucking sick and tired of feeling awful for symptoms i can't yet control. how the fuck am i supposed to magically stop feeling like i hate everyone and everything and [censored] as a fear response and viewing myself as superior in many ways and suddenly just stop talking in ways people find terrifying while delusional. i've felt like a bad fucking person for so long about it because of how stigmatized it all is.
#i can't formulate my thoughts properly right jow#now#i'm just fucking angry#will delete later#risperidog#this includes our persecutor who hurt us badly after a recent therapy session#it was just his trauma response#i understand why he did it#i'm tired of everyone demonizing him#and demonizing the behaviors we find to be our knly effective coping skills#smoked too much weed just now
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smoking a sativa strain while drinking my coffee for a special feeling I like to call AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#i am all but physically running 30mph in a cross-country race right now#I wanna smoke an indica to calm myself down but then I'll crash from the coffee 5x harder#i thought the sativa would just help with my lethargy#oh yeah it sure did! it did work! yes! but also now I have WAY TOO MUCH energy and I'm in too much pain to get it out#weed usually really helps my anxiety but this sativa strain is STRONG and has me nervous af#this is the first time since I was a teenager where I'm actually like ''oh fuck I smoked too much'' AND I DIDN'T SMOKE MUCH#i've been a daily stoner for 12 years but shit like this never happens to me#even w sativa strains i've had in the past#it's from the dispensary so it's not like it's laced or anything#.bdo
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˚‧º·(˃̣̣̥∩˂̣̣̥)‧º·˚ <- I was like, seconds from a tantrum about an hour ago.
Y'all. I did something so incredibly just, typical inattentive levels of ridiculous. I accidentally deleted my subfolder with all of my up-to-date mods. Since I wasn't really messing with those, I didn't think to back it up like I did with all my CC.
I really get into it re: mental health and while I'm really trying not to be so hard on myself, this set me back somewhat.
It was when I was doing the standard clear all the caches pre-loading-game fare. I must not have realized it was highlighted. I always empty my recycling bin after I do that, just a force of habit that I can trace back to the days I played Sims 3.
I tried to use Windows Recovery, and my last saved PC backup was right when I got sick, in early January. So I know which mods I have to download, but they all need to be updated.
Not all hope is lost. It would have been slightly worse if it were my CC or a saves folder or something. But this has already taken me like 4 entire days of hyperfocus and I just added like 2 hours of busy work because WHY NOT.
I really don't mind being ADHD most of the time. The diagnosis really helped me figure out a lot of important stuff about myself and gave me tools to be more successful with things I previously struggled with a lot. Unfortunately, I've been without my ADHD meds siiiince late January because of the stimulant/ADHD meds shortage that is somehow still a thing.
And when I do finally get them, I'm probably going to need to wait another month and a half for them to kick in. Apparently, a pharmacy a couple of miles from me is getting some in tomorrow so I can go and get it then so this added to it. Plus since I'm in a stage where I'm sort of just doing the same thing over and over again, it's easy to be in autopilot.
Anyways, I'm totally fine now. Got more of an all-business-no-goofin'-back-to-work vibe going on.
#the great cc purge of 2024#crystal solves problems that were caused by crystal in the first place#this right here is the reason why I will occasionally smoke the devil's weed#it really helps with stress and anxiety#i unfortunately have a brain that likes downers and hypnotics waaay too much so i can't use those#i only cried a little bit and it wasn't a sad-cry it was an ANGERY-cry#now it's just back to business#okay that's all#i promise i'm okay now#now i'm just rolling my eyes at myself#this is why baby jesus invented marijuana
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the star of sonic forces
#weed cat lore: he smoked too much he turned green nd then killed infinite in cold blood#cw weed#btw i don’t smoke nor do i rlly condone it#this is just for fun#ft a mutuals oc who is my FAVVVVV#pcu: pastel cinimatic universe#LOVE U PASTEL MY QUEEEN#weed cat is part of the pcu now#anyyways#art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#ibispaintx#sonic#sonic forces#sonic oc#sonic original character
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honestly i think being sick and losing weight has caused me to be sick like .. mentally
#i Can eat again but now i’m obsessing over what i eat and how much#bc everyone keeps complimenting me for how i look & losing weight#even tho at least part of it is bc i was too sick to eat for an entire month 😐#like i was acting … very disordered this evening#i didn’t eat until like 4:30-5pm today and bc i ate so late i decided i wouldn’t eat again#but i was hungry at like 9:30 and ultimately i did have a little snack#but i acted very … just very unwell about the whole situation#disordered eating tw#proana d0 n0t int3r@ct#like it’s pulling me into bad behaviors & thought patterns#that i haven’t dealt with in a while#and i fear i’m like .. one step away from not being able to eat unless i get high first again which i fr just kicked that habit#but the problem now is i don’t even get high that often anymore like sans the teensiest bit of weed i smoked on sunday i haven’t been high#in like 2 weeks .. so im worried i will just like .. not be able to eat bc im not even getting high 😳#and i feel like if i do gain any weight back i’ll be like .. crazy evil to myself so it’s like .. idk what to do#uhm anyway ..
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You could post cute pics and get validation from strangers on the internet while you wait.
Fr tho I hope you're doing okay ❤️
What do you think I’ve been doing 😂😘
#haven’t posted in literal ages#and then I post multiple things in the past day or two l o l#your girl wants attention and validation all the damn time!!!#was trying to reblog old content but yall have seen that too much and don’t have the same reaction#I want your mouth to drop and you can’t help but drool from looking at me#that’s my goal 😇#but seriously I’ve been looking at a lot of my rosie content and deciding what’s good enough to post#looking for someone to go through all my content and tell me what are the true gems#so I can post those#it’s actually insane how much content I have#and most of it has never been seen before lol#have this school girl post I’m working on 😇#just working on the cute tags hehe#if you guys are ever bored and looking for something to do#give me attention#and praise#and worship me#pretty please 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#on a real note I should be fine? I hope.#every day is different… today I’m doing my ehhh alright?#but I can’t complain cause some days I feel like death#I’m also lucky I have weed to use as my crutch#I’m just in between jobs right now cause I was trying to get into this dumb program#but now that I’m on a waitlist I’m gonna have to find some sort of income#I saved up some from my last job but that is slowly dwindling away#maybe I’ll do some sort of driving/delivery job#I’m just so sick of working when I know it doesn’t make a difference#I’m going to be poor and broke the rest of my life so who cares#welp getting sad and don’t wanna do thaaaaaat….. also running out of space lol. so gonna smoke the little weed I have left and ignore ignore#ask
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i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3
#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery#i think i had 2 burnouts really#1st when i was 12 i burnt out academically#and fell into other hyperfixations like homestuck and anime#n cartoons also socially burnt after my friends got annoyed w myhyperfixes but got close w my husband which helped/distracted from burnout#then i did again injjjjunior year i would say#i was burnt out creatively and socially and i hated band for the first time and i met my first AP class that i couldnt just coast through#because we had to do checked notes and DAMN im grateful for that teacher!!!!!!!!!!!#genuinely led to me learning how to take notes on text when i never had to before#but i literally cried. because spent HOURSSS the first few times trying to do my notes before a classmate told me theres a website that#summarized the book#which helped a lot#but it was the first time since suspecting i have Something other than depression/anxiety that i was SURE i had adhd#it kinda just clicked so i got on a nonstimulant that helped a bit but had shitty physical symptoms that got worse as i got older#i was on it forrrr like 2 or 3 years before i stopped taking it#but i also got on a 504 which gave me deadline flexibility which like#great yknow finishing out junior and senior year medicated woo#but senior year last semester i had terrible senioritis lol#which i now realize was that 2nd burnout#and literally from march 2020 to the end 2022 i barely talked to anyone or engaged on any level with most people other than smoking weed#and being a therapist#and my beautiful wonderful husband ofc but we kinda enabled each other lmao#but yknow that gap of time when my locale cared about covid and stuff was just not going on i really recovered#i didnt draw much or do much hobbywise#i did probably too much weed and not too much but Quite a Damn Lot of acid#(which.. idk who follows me now... but acid isnt a evil scary drug it is not physically harmful and wholly dependent on mindset)#and i worked a lot#but... i quit my job at the end of 2022. which kinda directly correlates with me reconnecting with my friend group#and reconnecting with them... i decided to go back to college#re realized the path for my passion for psychology lies in academia and i LIKE that
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I got so fucking high and drunk today oh my god how did i do this regularly with no hard drugs (MOST of the time) and hard liqour and still have the energy to stay up afterwards. Maybe i was just 15/16
#i havent smoked that much weed in so long my hands couldnt stop twitching i tried to make them stop too but i couldnt.#my uncle kept making fun of me .#drank alot of coolers and hung out with another side of my family like how it was years ago tho i missed that alot#i wish i could go back with them to the rez but i know its not a good idea i need to stay here unfortunately#when i got home i passed out for 6 hours and woke up every damn hour#im fine now im just gonna drink so much water and juice tonite#being a teenaged alchy took alot out from me i think
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Today is good I think. My brain isn’t fully happy my body isn’t fully happy but I’m treating myself kindly anyways
#I hate you chemical imbalance in my brain everything is going so incredible and I’m still not happy I’m only content#I picked up weed went for a drive hung out with my mom swam in the pool sat in the sun took a warm shower got high#I think I might journal or read for a bit maybe do a face mask while I read and smoke#watching Rick and morty also counts as self care I think. season three specifically is self care. I know pretty much all the words I’m just#mouthing along the entire epsidoe it’s heavenly#I think I might paint my nails too hmm am I feeling masculine enough to present fem recently. thank you buzzcut I love you buzzcut#I also did my eyeliner today and wore my cute earrings#did I post pocket joe on my dash. I think I forgot him there and he’s gonna be in the car all weekend in an airport parking lot lmao whoops#sorry pocket joe. I’m watching pickle rick epsidoe it’s so good. it’s beautiful out today even tho it’s sunny and I don’t think I’m burnt so#that’s incredible and then also when I took my warm shower I used my body scrub I haven’t used in like months and now my arms and legs feel#super soft it’s fantastic I am in a good mood today I just have to think really hard to actually feel it bc I have a headache and cramps#(still. not. fucking. bleeding. ANGRY.)#and I’m still sad about my middle school teacher dieing but I’m trying not to think about it so it’s fine
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wish i was a witch for real that would be so badass. god i would do anything for a magic broom
#legitimately my biggest wish like if i found a genie thatd be the first thing id ask#id be like ok make me a witch i have to be able to use magic wands and make potions and have flying brooms and talk to cats#god. god. god. god. god. god. god. none of you understand how badly i wish i were a witch.#i wish i had a flying bbroom so bad like the rest of the stuff would be awesome too but magic broom is like number 1...........#god i want it so bad. i want it so bad im tearing up /srs#waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaahahhhhhhhhhhhhh#i dont care about anything else i had a dream the other week that i had a magic broom#and what i did was fly out at night and overlook the forest where i grew up and then smoked hella weed up there#i was getting LITERALLY wizard high#i wish so badly i had a magic broom none of you could even understand how badly i want it#in the dream i also snuck out by just opening my window and taking flight........#i wish that was real. i cant leave the house undetected anymore i used to be able to in my old house but now i cant#i dont need it as much anymore so it isnt a very big problem but it still bums me out#if i had a magic broom none of that would matter........ i want one SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wish i could lucid dream and then i could fly on a broom everyday all the time. UGH!!!!!!#seriously i want to be able to lucid dream...... if i could do that whenever i wanted i would be unstoppable#and also unwakeable. lol#i would never want to do anything else but at least i wouldnt need booze to make me not feel like shit so itd be better still -_-#me and madotsuki r holding hands btw were like the same exact person
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🛸
#strange communication#ts4#johnny smith#aliens haven't been ''revealed'' yet at this point in the timeline but disguising himself is more trouble than it's worth for johnny#so his excuses for why he's green are: ''ur mom'' "smoked too much weed and now I'm stuck like this''#and ''oh my god you can't just ask someone why they're green'' in a mean girls voice#I should write out my alien lore one day
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i want a blunt soooooooooooooooo bad
#i’ve had no weed for two days now and i won’t have some again til tuesday#i mean i have my dab pen but like if u smoke those then u know that that’s not the Same and they hit diff than actual weed#my friends smoked me up like twice this past week bc i was running super low all week but then i fully ran out friday rip#and now i don’t get paid til tuesday and so the second my sister gets out of work that day i’m zoomin to get weed#i deserve a blunt i love them sm#also the shittiest part of no weed is how i realize how much weed actually Helps on a daily basis#like i’ve just been like 😐😐😐 and it’s soooooooooooo much harder to get myself to interact irl with people#also just. been very anxious ugh#OH ALSO MY SLEEPING PATTERNS HAVE BEEN SO F U C K E D I HATE IT#AND MY EATING HABITS TOO BC WEED IS HOW I MAKE SURE I EAT BC MY HUNGER CUES ARE FUCKY
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had a positively divine experience last night
#if you don't like drug use this post is not. for you. sorry.#but i went to a little dance that a youth center was having in my vicinity so i ended up going with a couple of friends to check it out#and. it wasn't very good. but we got to pick some of the music and it was just us and a few other people really. and a friend of mine#recognized someone from a different party he went to and we all ended up ditching it to go to a thrift store for a while and browse#before going back and getting some naloxone kits and then ditching (again) to go smoke weed in an adjacent park#she was really nice to meet and i saw another friend try weed for the first time and i got to take a few hits off a bubbler. it was really#nice. we just kind of talked and hung around for an hour before all going home because it was dark#i want a bong now. i liked it. first try was bad (inhaled too much) but the rest were fine if not actually quite nice :)
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I'll never understand how weed is suppose to help with nausea, every time I smoke I have to restrain myself from throwing up
#Also getting high makes me get sick now because I've smoked excessively enough to get cannabis poisoning or whatever they call it#Whatever it's called when you smoke too much weed for too long and then when you get too high you just get sick#my posts
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never been good with romance
#i don’t really feel safe anymore and it took me a while to even get to point where i did in the first place#and now it’s been annihilated#like what am i supposed to do. fly to a completely different state where i know no one when i feel unsafe to my core now?#like i don’t think i’ll be able to fall asleep safely. and it’s already hard for me to feel safe enough to fall asleep next to soneone.#i just wanna feel safe and loved. i’ve never had that. and apparently it’s like impossible for me#and i thought that i was getting close this time :( i really did#and it’s not like. completely over in the sense that i still value a lot of what we have#but if you claim you’re falling in love with me and want me to feel the same why rip everything to fucking shreds in front of me?#and i’m kinda heartbroken because my birthday could have been so special. i already transferred the $1K i saved#for the ticket and the weed we’d be smoking into my tattoo fund#i wanted my birthday to be special. i planned it all out and already dragged my suitcase out and mentally chose what i’d pack#i was gonna have all my lingerie dry cleaned#i already knew we both had the week off#like i made plans lmao#and i’m trying to be strong and not let it hurt me too much but fuck man. i thought i got close this time.#now i’m just gonna sleep the day away on my birthday#it’s been ruined for weeks now before its begun
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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