Your website is the most amazing thing I've ever seen oh my god, it's so pretty

tysm!! it took over a year of work onit, and it's still ongoing with more plans. :) -- for folks who wanted to see, i just haven't gotten around the announcing it! ; v ; (looks best on desktop, has a cursor and everything.) My pal, Steven, has been working with me by coding the whole thing.

Haikyuu HC to COVID-19 (Karasuno edition)

This is horrible 💀 im just so bored so I made whatever this mess is KFJSJDMSK enjoy

Hinata Shouyou

huh? isn’t it just the flu?

“No, hinata. People have died from it-“

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-

goes bananas

whenever someone sneezes or coughs, his soul leaves his body as he runs away to sanitize/wash his hands for a miserably long time.

eats an expired can of peaches thinking it’s his last resort

lowkey happy school is closed because homework sucks

but also highkey hates it because now all volleyball tournaments are closed

then gets all angry when he realizes he’d have to do online school???!!?? like wtf he got jipped.

thinks they could still do volleyball if they did online calls cus if the school can do it,, then vOLLEYBALL CAN

will probably miss half of the class calls from oversleeping/forgetting anyway.

sheepishly ask yamaguchi, yachi or tsukishima for help on assignments/notes. (he will NEVA ask kageyama. he’s always in competition with him here!)

still practices volleyball 24/7 in his backyard or room (maybe even with his baby sister??)

He’s really good at practicing all by himself from practicing all alone in middle school—

but will probably go crazy being alone all the time with his family. he just wants to play volleyball with the team again.

looks up “what to do when you’re bored” or “what to do at home while in quarantine” on youtube

Kageyama Tobio

probably says he’s immune to the corona because he’s just better than everyone else

doesn’t really think it’s real until school shut down because of it

When he sees that corona is airborne he wont know what that means so he’d probably think it’s produced by air itself?? which makes him think air is trying to kill the human race?? and will be so confused as to why it decided to pop up now???

DESPISES online school. He had enough trouble understanding it from the gecko, so now he has to learn it basically all by hiMSELF?!?

And no way is he just gona email the teacher for help. If he does it’s gonna be only once in his lifetime. Anymore than that he thinks he’s doin too much. He doesn’t want his teachers thinking he’s dumb 😭

he says literally nothing during the calls he just tries to pay attention? and fails because he’s on a computer. in his room. alone. he’s bound to daze off or stare at a pen for 5 minutes.

Obvi still practices volleyball. Very much misses it. At least Hinata had his sibling to practice with him. tobio is a lone wolf in his household.

When his mom goes out to get groceries he gives her one of those doctor masks so she doesn’t catch corona.

Few moments later through the internet he realizes that corona is smaller than air molecules so if you can breathe through something you could still get it so he struggles for an hour thinking he just killed his mother

When his mom is back he keeps his distance in case she’s carrying the plague

omg did she just cough or am i imagining things no she definitely coughed she has corona oh oh god

In reality she was just clearing her throat.

is lowkey worrying about everyone and how they are 🥺 (yes, maybe even hinata).

thinks he’s science smart by calling it covid-19 than corona.

Asahi Azumane

He just worries about everyones health

like he just imagines the worst case scenario’s and starts to get really worried if people got it. Always checks on everyone and asks if they’re feeling any symptoms of corona ❤️

He’s either not gonna get it or he gets it and dies there’s no inbetween

but he’s jesus himself so theres no way he nor anyone in his bloodline can get it

is very happy to know that dogs can’t get it.

Takes online school seriously and tries his best

And is honestly so sad school just ended??? even if it’s temporary, he could be learning, playing volleyball, and going about his day instead of staying in a cage. he’s a third year so—how would graduation even go..?

always is up to date on the news !! and notifies everyone if anything important is added/changed.

Always tells everyone to stay safe! Whether through text or before ending a call.

only buys a lot of toilet paper from the fear of there being no toilet paper in stock since evERYONE IS BUYING IT-

Starts to try new hobbies that he put off for the longest time cus quarentine is rlly getting to him.

Is all out a family guy so he doesn’t mind the extra time with his family.

Nishinoya Yu

OAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA

420 blazin’

thinks going outside means you’re instantly gonna die from corona attacking your white blood cells (????)

but also probably doesnt care as he goes outside like everyday to run around and get rid of energy (and to practice volleyball, of course).

also why is it called white blood cells when blood is red ☠️ smh

Buys 101611018320129 bags of chips because that’s his comfort food

yay more gaming time!!!

Noya🐒: Tanaka do u wana play minecraft 2getr latr?

Tanaka🍌: HELL YEAH!!

doesn’t shower for three days straight because screw personal hygiene!! No more school!!! Can do whatever he wanted!! It’s basically summer!!!

until he’s forced to do online school.

Is def the class clown. Probably somehow kicks the teacher out of the call through a little bit of hacking.

“alright guys so i’ll be you’re substitute teacher for the day-“

tbh acts the same as he would in school. maybe a little more rebellious because, i mean, what is the teacher gonna do? send him to DETENTION? call his mOMMY?

Calls/spams literally everyone in his contacts because he’s so bored and lonely. Answer him!! Y’all will be on facetime for hours!!

He’s fun to facetime.

Will call you a loser if you don’t have an apple iPhone because then he can’t facetime you and facetiming is one of his favorite things to do to pass time (besides gaming)

HE A TRUE GAMER

Okay but he lowkey still tries at school for the sake of his grades and his future ;-; maybe calls asahi or sugawara for help??

always looks up his homework on the internet to see if he can get an answer key or something (he did that anyway even before corona but)

will do one subject for 3 hours thinking he’s finally done with everythinf till he realizes he has like 4 other subjects and needs to do those too.

Sending memes all the time

Tsukishima Kei

oh, what about corona again?

honestly could give NO fucks??. like ABSOLUTELY ZERO. nonxistent.

doesn’t even remember it’s still happening half the time.

is surprisingly very knowledgeable about corona.

he’s just smart and sciency¿ so he understands the ins and outs of corona like how it works and how its spread.

so if you tRULY want any update or background info on the corona virius, ask Tsukishima.

bitch don’t touch me you have rabies.

doesn’t care that he’s obligated to stay at home because he would have stayed either way. he very much likes being alone.

might go a little crazy cooped up in his room so he’ll hang with his brother/family or go outside before he says ‘okay that’s enough’ and goes back to his room.

isolation? oh okay *puts on headphones*

he rlly gonna be rocking it out in his room cus he can listen to music all day any day

developes a really bad sleep schedule since he had no way to get rid of the energy he got rid of at school.

still a huge tease so he says everyone has the corona virius.

is never online on social media which means he’s never up to date with his frIENDS. Doesn’t have a clue what those dipshits are doing and could care less (besides yamaguchi,, they probably facetime or call thru skype or something).

I bet the whole volleyball squad has a groupchat and honestly he puts all notifs on mute cus his phone keep goin DING DING DING DI DING ID DID IDKNG DING DIG

Brother: Omg why are you getting so many text messages?

Tsukki: Shut up

if he is online on the gc and he texts it would be simple replies like “Hi” “Okay.” “No.” “Goodbye.” and then he’s gone for another week

every first year is begging on their knees for tsukishima to give the answers or help them out and he obviously says: go do the hw yourselves idiots

besides yamaguchi!!!! again!! cus theyre gay for each other

maybe practices once in awhile with his brother or alone in his backyard but he doesn’t care

Tanaka Ryuunosuke

buys 101817 pounds of toilet paper because everyone else is? but not because of the same reason as asahi. he thinks toilet paper is the cure to corona.

GO STUPID AAAAAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAAAA-

probably has a part time job at a grocery store so he still has to go to work 😭 i dont even know how he could have a job in the first place he’s probably always late-

still gamin with noya of course

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM IM PLAYING MINECRAFTT

also buys like all the junk food thats in stock. and since he works at the grocery store he gets a ton of coupons and deals.

texts Kiyoko everyday goodmorning ❤️❤️❤️ and goodnight 😘😘 texts just to be left on read.

“i love it when she ignores me !!!”

scrolls through tiktoks for 1000 hours to pass time

School Is For Losers!!

similar to noya, he thought it was basicaly summer until he realized they were gonna be doing online school. literally had a fit and said he didnt wanna do jack squAt

Laughs so hard when nishinoya somehow kicks the teacher out of the call he’s like laughing so loud and hard he starts crying

all of the sudden has a better view on school

gets excited when he sees nishinoya on the call

makes funny and ugly ass faces when the teacher isn’t looking. everyone laughs and the teacher’s like 🤨

probably uses the green screen effect so he can change hus background (somehow) and accidentally misclicks a file so a girl wit a bikini becomes his background for .5 seconds before changing it to a cursed meme:

doesn’t get half the shit the teacher is talking about

but it’s okay because the half he doesn’t get is the other half noya gets

and the half noya doesnt get is the orher half tanaka gets

they’re two peas in a pod 🥰

until they try explaining it to each other and suddenly get confused?? mental malfunction ¿?

yeah im SMART!!!

s -

m -

a -

r - penis

t -

Daichi Sawamura

quite calm about the whole coronavirus

like he knows it is serious and understands how it is spread but he’s still calm about it??

tells everyone to sanitize and wash hands on a regular. and social distancing!!

honestly still wakes up like he does on normal school days and does all his academics just fine.

he even does gym activities (besides volleyball) for 30 minutes to an hour!!!! he be running on that treadmil! getting stronk!

does each subject on his own for 20-40 min each day. he’s really good at self discipline

makes sure sugawara and asahi are up to date on school work and will gladly help.

sadly can’t help the first years (and probably second years) because that info is deep in his brain and basically forgot how to do it after a year or two of not using it.

VERY VERY VERY sad that volleyball nationals are cut off. this is his last year and for it to be??? gone??? just because of some flu?!?! hates it.

he wishes school to go back and still has hope that school will go back to normal in a couple of weeks (even though it’s a slim chance).

asks the teacher questions whenever he has questions. He’s also vv considerate so he’ll ask questions he knows the answer to but asks them for anyone who’s confused ab it/wants to ask but is too shy. (literally i lov daichi sm)

Eats a healthy amount of everything

asks asahi for any updates on corona even though he’s quite up to date himself. he just wanna make sure he didn’t miss anything.

also doesn’t mind being around his family. he’ll do more chores around the house to help his parents out :> he’s literally perfect wtf

def does worry about everyone in the volleyball gc and anyone else he has contact with. Will also email classmates and ask if they’re doing all right. Even away from volleyball he’s a team player ☺️✌️

Is happy for the rest of the day when asahi tells him dogs can’t get corona.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

oaoaiquqhdkoaiaagadjsiwi?

doesn’t know what to believe anymore

keeps in touch with everyone!! always online 24/7 on social media, vball gc, you name it.

Literally everyone is acting so normal why are people so calm am i the only one worrying about this and the worlds future like this year has been really bad so far for not just me but the whole nation actually the entire world honestly like war almost broke out in january and now this corona stuff is really buttering my crissont the wrong way-

Even though tsukishima literally gives No Fucks, yamaguchi is the complete opposite.

like tsukki and yamaguchi call on skype and eVERY TIME yamaguchi starts with ‘how have you been? do you feel sick at all? have you drank enough water today?’ and so on

“What are you even worrying about?”

“Well...what if you get the corona virius?... it can be deadly, you know!! Thousands of people have died from it!!! The fact school is shutting down and people are panicking is making me feel like i should be panicking-“

Tsukki will then snarkily reassure him it’s fine and people their age are the least likely to get it bad.

Yamaguchi will feel a little better afterwords

“Thank you, Tsukki!”

Tsukki will ‘tch’ it off

Even though he gets really good grades he has triuble finding motivation to do any school work?? doing school work in his own home? 😐

His home was kinda a place he can chill whereas school is a place he can be fully focused

but now his home is ALSO school??!!?

Luckily he understands the work, at least.

When he sees tsukishima on the call, too, he instantly says hello.

“Tsukki!! Hey!! 😁”

“Shut up.”

“Gomen, Tsukki.”

Yeah. Even when they aren’t at school, he’s still the same as always.

He takes extra care of his family and always stays in touch with other relatives. Especially grandpa and grandma. THE SECOND he learned elderly people are at more risk you bet your ass he’s calling them making sure they’re okay. He checks up on them everyday now.

He peobably practices volleyball a little, too. He’s more focused on schoolwork though.

Sugawara Koushi

Have you guys ate dinner yet? 🥺

obviously checking up on everyone

he would fail as a mother if he didn’t.

Actually reads in his free time?? He finally has time on his hands to read these books so.... here we are!

Wakes up at a scheduled time everyday (minus weekends. Maybe sleeps for an extra hour or so).

He dresses in pjs rather than actual clothes because he’s not going anywhere with this social distancing thing.

Always tries to lighten the mood when all the students are on the online call. Maybe crack some joke or innocently play around with the effects.

He still pays close attention in class and does quite well on his own. No help from his parents! He can do everything on his own! He a big boi!

Does homework really well, too. Probably does extra work or more work than needed just because it makes him feel good afterwords.

Honestly i can see him cooking in his free time. If he doesnt feel like reading or scrolling mindlessly through his phone, he gonna cook.

Will make the best cookies in the universe.

HAS A HECK OF A SWEET TOOTH. NOT A DAY GOES BY WITHOUT HIM GETTING HIS PRETTY HANDS ON SUM TREAT

Honestly isn’t too good with exercise so he might gain a few pounds or grow the smallest chub 🥺🥺🥺 he would be so cute omfg.

is realy involved with his family!! they play a board/card game every friday night and have the best time.

if he has a dog, cat, or literally any animal you know he’s gona be hanging with them since he has more time.

Still! Playing! Volleyball! I mean by now every boy is practicing at least a little bit. He would probably be in his backyard playing volleyball with his family. Theyy’d set up a net and everythin! They’re all rookies at it but he still cherishes the moments with them.

It’s honestly still practice. Better than nothing

He talks about how his family plays volleyball and everyone is so jealous like 😭😭 makes him more grateful hearing half the volleyball team saying they have to practice alone.

Watching youtube videos of random videos/vines making him giggling.

“Hey, Dachi, look at this video.”

IS A SWEETHEART STFU !!!

“underappreciated, underpaid, and underrated”

 I continued with Corporate kitchen jobs and realized that I wasn’t being treated fairly. I had plenty of experience and a degree yet I’d be overlooked when it came to promotions, and it wasn’t due to my lack of trying. I was outspoken and committed and I couldn't understand why my Chefs would tell me I wasn’t ready. Later a few admitted they were afraid others wouldn’t take me as seriously because of my age and gender. That was my final straw in corporate kitchens. Though I stayed with the company I moved to another department and spent the next three years managing rooms in the hotel. I was in charge of placing each guest in their rooms, communicating with each department in the hotel and I finally felt appreciated. I was making $16.75/hr working 4, 10-hour shifts and that was my first taste of freedom. I worked all my life to be a chef and after 10 years in the kitchen I left making $12.90 working 5 days a week 8 hours a day. So this new life not only gave me my freedom but self assurance that I didn’t need to work myself to death. Like my uncle. Having three days off gave me a chance to figure out who I was without cooking and I traveled. With my husband. We went on road trips from Florida to Las Vegas from Las Vegas to New York. We were everywhere. Eventually my husband and I decided we were moving on from our corporate jobs and we were going to open up a food truck, and we did. In Sedona arizona. Sedona wasn’t ready for the progression but we managed to have a good first year, as well as working for a team of guys making their lunches. My husband and I worked side by side and it was one of the most fulfilling years of my life. I grew up, we both did. We had to file our business taxe and we got our first taste of being business owners. My husband had grown up in Sedona since the 80’s and if you’re familiar, you’re familiar. It’s a small town and there’s a lot that goes on behind closed doors and I’ll leave that at that. Sedona is also the first time I experienced racism. A town that’s known for peace and tranquility, wasn’t so welcoming to a Mexican American that did not know any Spanish (neither did they?).But we knew this wasn’t it for us, we wanted to start our own brick and mortar and that's when someone my husband knew growing up approached him asking for help starting his new restaurant. So we did, we had a contract saying we’d help start and train staff for 3 months and we did. If you’ve been in town long enough you know that finding staff is hard. Someone who isn’t transient and who has a good work ethic. Coming from Las Vegas known for its  Hospitality, I was thinking Sedona would be similar. Boy was I wrong. Anyway we went on our way and about three months later the restaurant owner had put himself into several thousand dollars in debt and asked us to come back and be partners. Contracts were signed and we went to work. My husband and I worked 16 hour days 6 days a week. We were burning ourselves out but we didn’t want to compromise the quality of the food with staff that didn’t care or lack experience, like he had done while we had moved on. When we left the restaurant was making over $1,800 a day seven days a week and now it was making $200-$500. Small town and word spread that the quality had gone down while we were away. When our contract was up the first time we were making about $100 a day each 5 days a week. Flash forward to our first year in this new business we made over $350,000. The business was doing well, we had steady staff and people who wanted to learn but now it felt like we were working just as hard as we were with no staff at all and we didn’t feel supported by our business partner. The three of us would sit and dream about how we would brand the company and the menu and how much we could change our small community. It seemed like we had it all...except now we were back as “owners” and we discussed taking a pay cut. I wasn’t thrilled by this and I made this very clear but I believed we had the chance to make something out of this. This was ours and I had never put my absolute all into something more. Working so many hours in such a small community you see the same people over and over, you learn their names, their stories, and that's a HUGE factor in my decisions to move forward even though I was making $4/hr. The community and the love for what I did fulfilled me enough. Or so I thought because on the other side as much as I love serving my community, I wasn’t making enough to pay my bills. This was my reality. I think oftentimes people forget that we’re all human and for whatever reason a simple 3 foot wall makes the world of a difference when you’re in the service industry and that gives them the right to pass judgment either silently or bluntly. Mostly out loud in this case because working 13 years in Las Vegas in the Industry was not as bad as my 3 years experience there in that position.in “my restaurant”. I was always used to having a team of people behind me, a sort of brigaid because that’s what you are in the kitchen, anyone who’s worked in one knows there is a sort of comradery and you stick up for each other because we were trained that way. Here it was my husband and I against a few hundred for lack of a better term wackadoo’s. It may seem like I’m name calling but drive on in and you tell me. But let’s get back to my now $6/hr after my business partner “doubled” my income, his words not mine. Now this for me is where I had to stand up and say this isn’t okay, I was ultimately doing everything short of ordering,and paying our monthly employee and business tax. My husband was elbows deep in the dish pit every single day, all day, ordering, scheduling, menu planning, and managing social media, all while being the only one cooking.Things weren’t adding up both figuratively and literally and we didn’t know what we had gotten ourselves into. There’s so much more to this story that gave this experience a bad taste in my mouth. Still we prevailed. I wake up each morning thinking how can I do something differently? What is it today that I can do to make better choices and how do I keep my goals in reach? My husband and I continue a total 15 weeks paid under minimum wage because our business partner had gotten himself into so much debt while we were gone and told us even though we weren’t getting paid fully now at the end of the year we would be getting dividends and it would all be worth it in the end. Although I’m not a sucker, I was, because here’s where I get sucked right into doing what I love. Our business partner makes a connection with another local business in the meantime that is  in our same complex “plaza” and she’s said she loved what we were doing with social media  and she lived out of state and was having a hard time managing her staff. Insert our new business, the three of us, my husband, and business partner. We agree to manage her staff and keep an eye on consistency. Day one all of her staff quits except for one eager staff member. She was a “greenhorn” and in charge of it all with us to support her. We spent a few weeks getting things in order and we had a steady staff at our other business to allow for some time at the other. I have never been more thankful for three people and I’ll just say it GIRLS in my life. They were hard working, dedicated, they took direction and they believed the same dream that we did. I’ll note too that all the girls were making more than me and my husband and much more than the other business partner, although he wasn’t working in the restaurant or on payroll. They were making $9 plus tips working around 20-30 hrs a week. Again those three got me through some of my toughest times and I’ll never be able to express that enough. Now we really “have it all”, but we were still craving real time off. We worked 2 years straight before we decided to run off and get married at the drive-thru in Las Vegas for a day and returning to work the next. We had waited 8 years to get married always in the hopes of having more money to have a grand party but in the end we knew we ultimately had everything we wanted and that was each other. We were at our lowest financially but at our highest in our hearts and our minds not to mention we had almost lost my mother-in-law earlier in the year. We knew we were a good business team and we both mimicked the drive I mentioned earlier so much so that we knew no matter what we would make it through. Day one him and I put our relationship first and when I felt like it was too much he would pick it up and I for him when he felt like he needed a break too. We really do make a good team. A few weeks later COVID hits. Not Arizona initially, although plenty of people were passing around a sickness in town at the end of last year. Are you keeping up? So much happened in such a short period of time but at the same time as the World was closing down our small town was still going. We closed for two weeks, in march and before the first of April my husband and I agreed to open both businesses, with a lot of reluctancy from our business partner. We used our three young ladies as the new staff in our other business knowing we had spent a year in our little shop alone being underpaid. We could afford ourselves. Things were still in the air. We didn't know what was going to happen locally and for the first time in a long time, as I’m sure many can relate, we could not predict the future. We felt like we just worked so hard to get knocked down, and like  I said before Sedona was still going at this point in some ways. There definitely wasn’t any paper products most shelves had been wiped out but after two weeks besides toilet paper and antiseptic alcohol and a major jump in price on our meat products we didn’t see a change on our side locally, in fact both of our businesses by May were making a steady $600-$1,000 a day. We relied on our community. We continued to consistently maintain a weekly clientele and we were there again, we knew anything we put ourselves into would be great, but seeing the results in your face is satisfying. We took the blessings we could and I now at this point we were making two incomes. Still my $6/hr plus tips, and my husband's $4 as well as $1,000 each each month for “managing” the other business. At this point the duties hadn’t really been defined after those two weeks in either business but we were trying to pick up the pieces at the same time as respecting all laws and trying to stay as healthy as possible. Sedona did take a hit, the hotels had either dropped to half capacity or closed completely along with a lot of the restaurants and bars that relied on that foot traffic, we had an amazing community that really came together and believed in what we were doing. I had spent the last 22 months or more, establishing relationships with MY community. In four white walls and a buffet style line with a registrar at the end. We were okay. I felt progress, and even though I was reluctant to take on another business all along and especially after we had taken on a  lot of the labor, this was steady income. I could afford a car with air conditioning, hello Carvana! That moment was so short lived because a two weeks later my business partner and I had a disagreement, both of us disagreeing about who was in charge where and how fairly the duties were distributed. This was the first time this had ever really happened as him and I didn’t spend much one on one time together. He didn’t contribute much initially and fell short on his word often. Often enough for me to try to avoid him at all costs for weeks at a time, trying to keep things professional because ultimately we lived to feed the beast, the restaurant. The three of us together felt we had so much at stake and In any partnership you disagree, but whatever disagreement we had at that moment didn’t prepare me for what came next. He “let us go”. I’m currently writing this two months later after I couldn't sit here and fester anymore. I was losing my mind trying to figure out how this could have happened and where or what I could or shouldn’t have said. I’m a warrior, I’ve felt this as a child. I’m also the oldest of three, a Mexican American, Non Spanish Speaking, Chicana, and those of you who know me, know my name know me. For those that don’t just know you’re right, this is a very brief outline of my career and isn’t even a glimpse into the situations or my full open opinion except the feeling it took me so long to shake. The realization that I was underappreciated, underpaid, and underrated, willingly.

So I figured I would do an experiment on myself. I was already planning on doing a stream of conscious type thing tonight to try to figure out what some of the thoughts were that went through my head regarding my eating disorder... then I thought: but what if we added food? So. I have officially consumed an appropriate meal. There were many breaks, and holy fuck I haven’t been this bloated or in pain from food since being in a meal group (I’m also going to actually die if/when I try meal group again) while in treatment. I have walked my dog, smoked my two cigarettes, and I plan on being uninterrupted for the next hour or so. This, so far, is a bad idea... hopefully it won’t get any worse. This is completely unfiltered, so now is your chance to look away if you are triggered easily.

     First of all, I’m getting weighed tomorrow and this is not part of my weigh-in ritual. So I’m freaking out. I feel like most people that aren’t supposed to be losing weight who have weigh-ins regularly actually want to be heavier than they are. For some reason, I want to know what my actual weight is, and I would prefer for it to keep going down. (Also, kind of random, but I’m mad at how my Spotify put on Paint Me Black by Ben Hazlewood, and this is the verse that I just heard, “Stuck in my eye line is my one goal to make me happy, it's time that you go. I know I'm starving but I'll fill my hunger, I'll come alive and bring the thunder.” I hate everything.) Anyways, uh, so rituals before weigh-ins. I don’t eat usually around 24 hours beforehand. So I’m already panicking. I know my weight is going to be higher than what it was the week before, and I should be at the very least okay with that, but I’m not. I’m also pissed off at the fact I’m drinking soda because I normally only drink coffee or water. My “cheat drinks” are the ones I get from Starbucks, which I’m sure has more calories than a soda does, but I’m not in as much pain afterwards, and they help me feel better if I haven’t eaten that day. Basically, I don’t eat 24 hours beforehand, and I don’t drink anything until I go in the day of. I want it to be only my body weight without food or water weighing it down. I’m not even allowed to know my weight anymore, and I still do this shit which doesn’t make any sense, whatsoever. 

      I could have done all of this tonight. Crashy has been asleep since a solid 6pm, and my social media is actually fairly quiet. There was no one to make me eat tonight which is rare. I was definitely planning on it after last night too. Crashy and I went to go see Infinity War, and beforehand, he asked me if I had eaten that day. I was already laying down, so I ignored him and pretended to be asleep. Thought I was home free. So we go see the movie, I’m an emotional wreck because I wasn’t prepared to see anything that happened. I was crying and whisper-screaming no frantically at the screen. We were all a tragic mess in that theatre. We’re walking out to go to the car, and Crashy states that we’re going to Cookout. I asked him why. He asked if I had eaten that day (mind you, its almost 2am at this point), and FOR SOME REASON, just like George Washington, I cannot fucking tell a lie when it comes to this damned disorder. So now after the emotional roller coaster of Infinity War, we’re going to Cookout. I was in full panic mode, and I only got a cheeseburger, removed one of the buns, and asked if Crashy could put something on so I could at least be distracted. What comes on? The Office. Safe, right? Nope. It was the weightloss episode. And all I hear as I’m about to take a bite is Darryl saying, “y’all need to learn some portion control,” and Dwight saying, “Oh wait, Pam is on the scale,” then Michael saying, “We would love your extra poundage, but...” and I’m internally screaming. Thankfully Crashy saw the humour in it and changed the episode, but fuck me. So I wait until we’re almost home before I start eating so I can immediately get out of the car to smoke. 

     Eating has just gotten so hard recently. Like, my really disordered moments haven’t happened as often as they have recently in a while. Earlier this week, Tree and I went to go talk to Dr. B to talk to her about her book she wrote. She let us read the rough draft, and naturally we had questions. Afterwards, Tree and I waited for one of her friends to come to group so we could say hey and leave, but we ran by Starbucks first. I wasn’t planning on eating that day, but she had to and I felt like I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t eat that day too (logic isn’t the greatest here, but hey, I’m eating). We get to the speaker in the drive thru and she orders my protein box that is a semi-safe 350 calories. I can attempt to do that. (Mind you, this is the same meal that led me to call Pink the week prior to tell him that my eating disorder was in fact, “that bad” and I should probably try to go to meal groups). They didn’t have my protein box. Instant relief. Then the lady says that they have some other protein box. Instant panic. The first thing that falls out of my mouth is, “how many calories are in it?” I asked Tree several times, and she wasn’t asking the barista, so I did, and there are 580 calories in it. The barista asks if I still wanted it, and I’m speechless trying to do calculus in my head to figure out what on earth was making it that high, and before I could say no, Tree said that I would take it. What is the first thing I do when I receive my box? I put it in the floorboard. I carried it out to the parking lot where we met Tree’s friend, and it stayed on the ground for a solid 20-30 minutes before I realized that I should probably eat it at the treatment center where I had people around me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have eaten it. I couldn’t bear the thought of eating it the way it came, so I went inside to the kitchen before groups got out to wipe off all of the sauces and roasted tomatoes while praying that a therapist wouldn’t walk in on what I was doing. Once I fixed my sandwich, we went back outside and maybe 30 more minutes passed until we started the process of eating. I had my box and Tree had her goldfish which was a lovely appetizer before her dinner. After finishing, I really had the urge to purge. This is something that has been slightly concerning, but I’ve just never brought it up because I physically can’t... but there have been so many times where I have tried over and over again, relentlessly, but my reflex just won’t let me do it. So I end up sitting next to the toilet angry with a few tears, frustrated because I can’t even do that right. But that day I found myself in the hallway with the perfect opportunity to attempt. Reluctantly, I decided to try, and then one of the therapists came around the corner and scared the shit out of me. Instantly changed my mind lol. 

     We left right before the group after dinner started, and I was in a really dark spot. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, this disorder would always have a grip on me, and I was going to be like this until the day I died--constantly fighting thoughts telling me I shouldn’t be eating. I mentioned this to Tree and her friend before we left. Tree reminded me that Recovered (a therapist there) had an eating disorder. She and I have often talked about picking Recovered’s brain about what its like to work with eating disorders, how she handles it, etc. So I decided I’d ask the question that had been circling my brain for the past hour: does it ever actually get better or even just easier? Surprisingly, but not really, she said that it does get easier. I’m not surprised because it honestly makes sense that it would get easier as long as I kept fighting for recovery, but I think I was surprised at how much it comforted me to hear from someone who knows what its like to be inside my brain say that. It helped, but I was still in a dark place, so I went to go look at things for my new apartment and to look at all of the cute animals in Petco. I really want a saltwater tank, so I talked to one of the associates for almost 30 minutes about salt tanks and the types of fish there are, etc. It was nice to have a non-eating disorder related conversation. Still though, my brain wasn’t really in a better place, so I decided to go to Target. My other happy place. Long story short, I have razors again. I gave my stuff up to Pink a while ago. 

     That was one of the hardest things I think I’ve done in therapy. I’ve given up razors before, but I’ve always kept the one. It was like a reminder of what I’ve gone through. It was like my scale. I took it everywhere. It was in my wallet. It was always there just in case. Fuck. I missed having it. I missed the feeling. So I bought more. I have a whole pack now. I haven’t done anything yet, but they’re there. This is one reason why I’m planning on getting a tattoo soon because I need that feeling. It feels the exact same way. 

     Speaking of things I miss, I was looking through old pictures on my laptop a week or two ago. We’re talking about the laptop from high school at the peak of my eating disorder. This piece of technology has allll of my old thinspo pictures from the several collections I had on my phone. Then I found my body checks. Honestly. I think that the body check pictures fucked me up more than the thinspo did. Some of the stuff I’ll reblog on here, I’ll think to when I used to be that size. Its weird looking at pictures like that now because before I thought I’d never make it, and now that I have and I think about what it was like being at that weight, I feel bad for the person in the picture because I know how much they’re hurting (to an extent of course), but I also cant help but to miss it for myself. I took pictures of the pictures to show Pink if he asked what pictures I was talking about. When I was explaining what time period was that the pictures were taken, you could just see the “oh fuck” expression come across his face lol. Not that I was happy to see him at that emotion, but you have to find the humour in the mess or else I’d be more depressed than I already am. 

     Speaking of Pink though, I was definitely going to show him this because I figured that it would be helpful for him to get a glimpse of me being vulnerable for once, but now I’m not so sure to be honest. I feel like this will get me put back in iop or php because fuck did we get dark. 

     Back to the picture thing though, I think the thing that fucked me up the most was that in the beginning, I remember promising myself that I’d stop when I could see my collar bones, then my hip bones, then it got out of hand, and before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of being able to see every vertebrae in my spine and every rib from my ribcage if I bent down. I remember going to my best friend at the time, Chrisley, and completely panicking. Why didn’t he tell me that I was that small, why didn’t anyone tell me? Why did people just ask if I had lost weight? Of fucking course I had. Why couldn’t I see the weight loss? Why did I still look like I did when I started losing weight? Nothing made sense at that moment. And somehow, the torture I had done to my body still wasn’t enough. You’d think that a person would remember all of those feelings and those feelings would keep them from making the same mistake. I have completely convinced myself that I will be okay with hitting 100. Oh, and thats because I got close to 110 and quickly realized that wasn’t enough. The fucked up part is that I’ll have a “normal day of eating” (meaning I’ll eat one meal... maybe two) and convince myself that I don’t have an eating disorder, or my disorder isn’t that bad. Same thing if I gain weight. God, it feels like it creates a physical sense of ambivalence deep within me. I fear I’m wasting Pink’s time, but I also haven’t fully made the decision to go back into my disorder completely. For some reason that physically hurts to even type, let alone verbalize. I’ve said it only once to Tree, and then later that night I found myself throwing up at a bar because I drank too much to numb out the thought that I may be falling back into my eating disorder completely. 

     I think I have a problem of letting people go/accepting when people leave my life--even in a professional setting. I get attached. There was one session where Pink made the comment where he said something among the lines of, “do you think that working with me is still helpful?” I remember feeling my walls quickly build up around me and getting really upset because he said that he wouldn’t give up on me (like several others in my past have... both therapists and friends), and in that moment, I heard that he was done trying to help me. We talked about it last week I think and that isn’t what he meant at all, and thats fine, but then I wondered if I was wasting his time or not, and it sent me into a tailspin. There was something I wrote down when I was still in iop, and it was in my gigantic “fuck you” letter to my eating disorder. The line was, “I’d do anything to get rid of you, but simultaneously do everything to keep you.” Ambivalence is a bitch. My eating disorder is one of the most comforting things because it has never left me, but it has fucked me over so many times and has ruined so much. Not just for me, but for my friends as well. I mean hell. One of them I’m terrified to wake up hearing that she’s killed herself, the other I’m concerned about her kidneys failing, and there are several who have just disappeared and won’t answer any texts or calls. I miss hearing from them. I hate watching us slowly waste away. I completely understand where they’re at though, and I don’t always want recovery for myself, but I do want it for them--but I know thats how they feel about me. Its just a fuckshow, and now my head hurts and I need a cigarette. 

Anyways, I’m going to go play around on my guitar for once. I haven’t touched her in about a week. I did finally get a name for her though. Jackie. Its actually the name of my grandma who passed away almost two years ago. She was a crazy motherfucker that my parents keep telling me I remind them of. I don’t know if thats a good or bad thing, but underneath the crazy was a heart of gold, so I’ll take it as a compliment. Sorry its been so long. I’ve been avoiding almost everything for the past month and a half. My thoughts included.

--Rian Dianna