#should we not look out for the trans people who dont wish to see their favs be a different gender???
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sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents
first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!
what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)
i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....
i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?
which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!
all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.
#maybe ill delete this later idk but i just felt like i needed to say something#as i constantly see these things being spoken of yet never do these people actually reach out to femstarries#and ask Hey why are you doing this?#so instead they make bad faith assumptions and it really sucks.#and while im here;#trans hcs count as genderbends. Because you have changed the characters gender#*IF the org chara is a cisman and you make them a trans woman i should add#once again Stop treating trans and cis people as two separate things#if it was a cisbend itd be CALLED CISBEND#and the reason i tag genderbend is because i know some people dont like it#and thats valid!!! no one is forced to like this kind of stuff!!!#and some people who dont like genderbends might be new to enstars and dont know what femstars is#so should it not still be tagged for those people too?#should we not look out for the trans people who dont wish to see their favs be a different gender???#i dont get it. i really dont#this post probably wont even reach the right audience but wtv#nat rambles#nats enst posting
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suicide cw
look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.
ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.
this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.
He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!
you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.
it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.
what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.
am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!
yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).
The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.
#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly#again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it#its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people#we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves#so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit#like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi#gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism#its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt#if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him#like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong#oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton#idk might delete this later its just. ugh...
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something i like about the blue eye samurai is that they let mizu be a woman. And i know thats ironic since shes had to instead be a man, or let ppl assume shes a man so she could be safe or taken seriously. If anything they dont let her actually choose. idk if that makes any sense, but when i didnt know anything about this show i immediately expected the protagonist to be a man. Usually men play those roles, or whatever. So when i heard her voice in the trailer, i got excited! I hoped that she would be a woman, bcuz i rarely see women who dont look perfect, who arent wearing like skin tight suits or whatever portrayed this way. For me personally i always end up wanting a woman to be in the “mans shoes” or whagever the fuck. I wish i could articulate myself better. Like fuck they actually let a woman look badass as fuck, shes treated with respect in portraying her skills (by the story), and she isnt like the epitome of beauty (for social standards or whatever, to me she’s absolutely frickin gorgeous)
They actually let her exist outside of this lens of what woman should look like or act like. I know its been done before or whatever, but fuck it i barely see woman depicted in this same lens as a man and not make some joke about it. Shes not degraded to a sex object, her appearance isnt perfect or the beauty standard, she gets to be a killer and skilled swordsman in the same light as taigen. It felt rlly great.
I personally struggle with my gender identity, i feel somehow someway im not woman enough. So seeing mizu sort of go through not fitting this sort of standard, having this idea of being a man forced upon her, its all so complicated and interesting and relatable. Maybe that says something about me, maybe it doesnt. But im so excited to see where they take mizu and her gender. Akemi feels like such a foil against mizu. She fits the beauty standard, shes observed as a woman and has her own power. She’s unfortunately the luckiest a woman could be in the story, her being married and such was better than being sold. But still powerless at the same time. It makes sense why mizu was dismissive of akemi at the beginning, to her it looked like akemi was just a brat, but even akemi struggles with not being taken seriously. Mizu on the other hand doesnt fit the standard, being mixed, seen less than human for not fitting the standard, not being “woman” enough (the whole husband thing where her actually being better than him immediately made her husband like dismissing of her and possibly ratting on her as well) the whole constant thing of her “mom” telling her she doesnt have good looks, it often felt like mizu was fighting against not only being mixed and “not pure”, but also fighting against what a woman could exist as..”not pure”. She could not just plainly exist.
Gender stuff is so damn complicated and its something ive struggled with. Ive tried exploring the idea that maybe im trans, maybe im a man or nonbinary. But it felt so relieving to see mizu as a character. Something that stuck out to me was when she was talking to her ex husband. He asked “u wanted to be a man?” And she said something along the lines of “i had to be one” and it felt sort of vindicating in the sense that damn idk.. like me and my siblings have struggled with our genders and whats expected of us, especially within our culture. Ive had conversations with my sister like about how sometimes we do wish we were men. To be taken seriously, to easily do things without feeling so judged. Maybe cis people dont do that, maybe they do, its okay.
I just love mizu, and im so excited to explore this story.
#i also love how this story depicts disability with ringo and eiji#those mf r not reduced to their disability or infantilized bcuz of it#also i know i prolly dont make sense at all#blue eye samurai#mizu#akemi
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recently ive been having conversations about sex in games, and by having conversations i mean getting accused of being a puritan by 19 year olds any time i express a critical thought about a game that has depictions of sex in it. most recently i was bemoaning that the vast majority of games where sex is the primary focus exclusively feature characters that neither i nor any of my friends can see ourselves in. my primary complaint was that no characters in any of these games ever seem to be hairy or fat, and when trans women are present they are always of the Cis-Passing™ and/or conventionally attractive variety. i know the usefulness of both these phrases can be debated eternally but im just gonna hope people know what i mean when i say this.
after spending 30 minutes trying to convince younger trans women that i in fact enjoy sex and like to look at porn, i just wish i could see anything other than supermodels and hips too wide to fit through doorframes, i received the snarky suggestion that i should "look literally anywhere other than steam". in addition, it was suggested that my biggest problem is that i dont play visual novels, because that is apparently where most queer representation in video games can be found.
it may have been delivered in a snarky way but it was a good suggestion, the steam storefront is a fucking nightmare, i havent tried a new visual novel in a good long while, so why not try my luck. the specific suggestion i received was to go to itch.io, as that website is, according to this group of young trans women, dominated by queer creators.
now my very first observation was that the site is not, in fact, dominated by queer creators. it is dominated by skibidi toilet low poly analog horror games that look completely unappealing. but, in the interest of good faith, i wont wield that as a gotcha. instead i will just punch in the tags "LGBT" and "Dating Sim", so that i can experience the absolute wealth of body positive interactive erotic experiences that apparently flood this website.
well, page one is just not the strongest start. but yet again, lets be fair, ive been automatically directed to the "popular" games. lets sort by "most recent" instead, an unfiltered look at what comes through this site.
i dont mean to be difficult, but it appears im still largely getting buff furry men, skinny anime people, and CGI porn stars. let me go completely out of my way to try to give the benefit of the doubt, i am going to sort through games and only address games that are explicitly erotic and explicitly queer.
just for a second, let me be sincere and say that my goal here is not to point out and mock or shame individual queer creators on the merits of the representation present in their independently developed dating sims. nobody is perfect, no one creator or even team can ensure every single intersection of identity is represented in their art, this is about broader trends and the snarky response i get when i complain about those trends.
i threw in the 'erotic' tag, enduring and suffering more uses of the words "femboy", "lewd", and "futanari" than any person should ever be forced to, and i was able to find some explicitly queer games! the method i used was opening literally every single individual game page and reading through its description. yes this took a very long time and its all in service of proving a point that a lot of people wouldnt argue in the first place, but i still regularly have to deal with people who do argue it, so this is for them. enjoy blocking me on social media and discord after this i guess.
we are off to a great start, because this game actually has fat characters in it! its a bit too cutesy anime aesthetic for my taste, but thats personal preference, this is absolutely something that qualifies. maybe all i needed was 3 or 4 filters! of course that is not true because there were several generic hentai games ahead of and behind this one, but first row on the first page, im going to remain positive.
after this we immediately start hitting duds. femboy baristas, bodybuilder physiques, high poly hairless porn star physique CGI women, all of these games explicitly mention that they feature LGBT, queer, or gay relationships. now i know i said i wasnt aiming to mock individual games, but i cannot resist the urge to draw attention to "The Date on Elm Street", a game that features a yassified freddy krueger.
we march on. moe yuri girls who are allegedly adults, skinny college boys, you get the idea. i may have found one game with body diversity among the character designs but i still havent found anything that i feel i can see myself in. gonna have to buckle up and dig for a while i guess.
brief aside, i am judging these games based on scrolling through every available screenshot, teaser, and trailer uploaded to their page. it is entirely possible there could be characters i dont know about that are bangable within these titles, but if that is the case there is still the issue that all of the promotional material exclusively features hot skinny anime people.
for all this effort i walk away with one (1) game that could possibly qualify as being a queer, body diverse dating sim. there were a few dating sims meant for gay men that had a single fat character present, but when theyre lost amongst all the flawless twinks and bodybuilders i hesitate to afford credit.
however. i am leaving out a game i was directly recommended. Hardcoded.
that is not promising. its the only character depicted in screenshots aside from a one eyed cat and this person
but i have to assume that these are not the only characters in this game, so i am actually going to download and play it, seeing as it was recommended to me in relation to the topic of lack of diversity in sex focused games.
total aside here, this feature left me guessing. is the sex in this game rpg style random encounters? i have to assume that if youre not interested in men, you could simply avoid trying to fuck any of the male characters. maybe after playing for a bit this checkbox will make more sense.
im starting to suspect that most people consider the presence of a single fat person to be Body Positive. REITERATING, i am not trying to give this developer in particular a hard time and i am absolutely not encouraging anyone else to, this game is cute so far, im glad there is a game like this starring a trans character, we're just sticking to my original complaint.
im gonna save bandwidth (and my blog from the fate of a mosaic avatar) by not posting any further screenshots, there is a character with wide hips, the character with the prosthetic arm, and the hyper tits sex droid as far as any deviation from conventionally attractive skinny people goes. im just now realizing this post is formatted like a somethingawful lets play, humiliating. anyway the conclusion i came to is that when i complain about the lack of fat hairy dykes and trans people who are Visibly Trans™ in erotic video games i am indeed completely justified because even queer produced erotic video games do not seem to have these things. im right, everyone else is wrong, goodnight.
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So like. As amazing at the tma has been about fat acceptance and love and has been absolutely vital to a lot of my self acceptance as a fat trans man, because this fandom actually talks about fat people (as opposed to other fandoms where fat characters and hcs are nonexistent), it means it’s also exposed me to the most and worst fatphobia of any fandom. I genuinely don’t even gaf about the actual discourse discussed in this fandom, it’s generally the people who negatively react to discourse of ppl complaining about fatphobia. The initial problems are usually ignorable to me, but it ends up bringing up peoples voices that make it incredibly clear what their true thoughts about fat ppl are. Idrk why I thought I should share this with you, ig just seeing if you have similar experiences.
I struggle here because i don't like to feel like i am attacking other artists. i'm a hater and i love to complain but i know i have my own short comings. but when it comes to the fatphobia in this fandom im always left not knowing how to talk about things because people will come to me and tell me why my complaint about someone thinning out a fat character is wrong or bad.
do keep in mind i dont really engage with the tma fandom as much i feel very much on the outskirts so this is jsut what i feel like i see on my end and i'm sure theres way more going on i simply dont know
in recent months we have had a newer influx of artists in the fandom who have come in with their own interpretations of the characters which is all fine and good. its jarring sometimes when we become so used to these formless characters looking a certain way that when new people enter the fandom with different ideas it feels wrong and like an attack.
the biggest issue has been people drawing a thinner martin. and while of course everyones welcome to their own interpretation and martin expressing that he's not exactly the smallest guy has multiple ways to be interpreted it is extremely frustrating to see people take that as giving him the most bare minimum extra weight. especially when having a fat character as desirable and as a love interest and such a Fun character is so far and few between
i could go on and on about how each time a popular artist posts a thin martin it gives everyone who looks up to them the excuse to do the same and it's why it's become such a prevalent thing lately. i don't think popular artists should have to worry about being good role models or anything in a fandom i think if youre making art you should do it for fun but it sucks to see when someone becomes so influential and are creating a problem. i deleted like three paragraphs on this alone so i'm going to move on.
i think what i see in the fandom most in regards to fatphobia is a skill issue. people don't know how to draw fat characters. but it also feels like people are barely trying. the artist i have in mind who i would consider to draw skinny martins DOES add a bit of roundness to him. i can aknowledge theyre doing SOMETHING. but you can't come to me and tell me that i can't criticize their art because culturally that's fat to them... like sure it could be. but it's also definitely a limitation of their art style and ability and instead of defending them and patting them on the back for doing good enough shouldnt we encourage people to grow and improve? what an amazing asset to be able to draw people of all size and variety. thats an AMAZING abillity to have in youre tool belt. i wish i had more resources for drawing bodyfat but unfortunately i do not. i have learned from looking at people and luckily having a lot of large loved ones in my life i've learned from as well as you know.. my own body to learn from. and learning to draw bodyfat and drawing characters i love with it has done wonders for my body dysmorphia.
i went on a rambling tangent and idk how coherent all of that is but the end point is that fatphobia sucks it has no place in this or any fandom and we need to practice our skills instead of erasing something that has made this fandom so wonderful to me.
here's some resources
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Who wants to see some neat stuff I found poking around the Bi Women Quarterly archives
"Bistory at the Lesbian Herstory Archives"
"I talked with Joan about the principles behind the LHA and her vision of its future. She said that the LHA is dedicated first and foremost to being a lesbian space.
When I asked her what she meant by "lesbian" she offered "any woman who has at some time in her life loved another woman" She also remarked that she would rather err on theside of inclusivity than be too exclusive, which explains the large collection of materials relevant to both lesbians and gay men(such as the Gay Community News), feminist materials, and a small but growing collection of materials on bisexuality. For Joan, the mission of the LHA is "to preserve the multiplicity of lesbian presentations." There is something of interest here for any woman who identifies herself as a dyke, a feminist, a mother, a butch or a femme, a prostitute, a worker in a traditional or a non-traditional occupation, a practitioner of S&M, a woman of color, a Jew, a witch, a teenager or an olderwoman, a closeted woman or an activist, a bisexual, an artist, and the list goes on. The sheer amount and variety of the stuff is testimony to the diversity of the lesbian experience and the vitality of lesbian communities"
A poem "Here I Am" by latina bi dyke Laura Perez
"we dream a world
which bridges the barriers,
i, this
bi-coastal, bisexual
dyke of color
have living proof
the distance is
not so great"
Here's the whole thing go check it out
I also found a bi femme and trans lesbian butch couple- and my freakin heart I wish them the most wonderful things wherever they ended up in life
"How I Learned to Love My Femme Self, Butch Dykes, and Transgender Warriors" by Liz Nania
"Laurie honored my bisexuality and I honored her proud trans butchness. We often felt like poster girls for Bi-Trans Unity. She stood up for me to her separatist-lesbian friends who were disapproving of her dating a bi woman; I stood up for her when I heard trans-phobic remarks- We both know bisexuals and transgendered people are truly natural allies and need to celebrate and further develop our bonds i the community"
And here's a lesbian identified bisexual talking about assumptions
"Dont Assume Anything" by Amy Wyeth.
"They say, "Don't Assume Anything" and "Question Au- thority." No one, including gays, bis and hetero- sexuals, should assume anything about someone's sexual preference based only on the way that person looks. Everyone should question the notions defined or perpetuated by those in positions of authority (e.g. the media, certain powerful icons/members of gay culture, and cer- tain dangerous bigots) as to what a lesbian or bisexual woman looks like. Not all of us feel we are well represented by such narrow definitions."
Just goes to show how timeless the bi witticism of Assume Nothing! really is. I highly recommend just perusing through the archives or even the current isues there's loads of interesting history
#just tossing stuff i did on twitter here so it doesn't get lost forever when it dies lol#bi history#queer history#lesbian history#bi women quarterly#butch femme#butch/femme#butch#femme#trans history#lesbian herstory archives#bi lesbian#bi dyke#bi femme
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maybe a weird question but ive been wondering this for a while and i kinda wanna hear ur opinion, would u still consider it hetbending if i headcanon natsume as a trans man and tsmg as a trans woman and ship them like this? cuz those are my hcs and sometimes i wonder if its like problematic?? Like id get it if ppl didnt agree with my headcanons thats just differing opinions of course, and thats fine, but im scared bc i dont wanna like, turn gay ships straight and stuff? Either way i hc both of them as bi, but still :( im worried im doing something bad fhfhgjdh sry if this makes u uncomfortable to answer?? I just wanna hear opinions abt this? I truly dont wanna hurt anyone!!
waaa ur fine no worries!! i dont mind answering questions like these at all!!
i guess its sorta nuanced? i suppose by definition it would be considered hetbending, esp if one has an altered appearance to suit the assigned gender. but then theres also the headcanon aspect of it. since it is a headcanon that would make these genders be how you view the characters in their source, rather than altering them for ur own silly amusement
since these things are so nuanced i personally tend to tackle it from a portrayal point of view. Have i altered these characters to make one look like a man and the other a woman? if so, id say it should be tagged and considered as hetbend even if both or one party is trans and their sexualities are bisexual, because the point of tags such as "hetbend" or "genderbend" are so people who dont wish to see their favorite characters altered in these ways dont have to see it. these tags are used out of courtesy! Now, if you've taken the characters and headcanon one as a man and the other a woman but there have been no altercations and they look the exact same except for some pronouns and maybe some clothes change then id say it doesnt need the hetbend tag, as clothes do not have a gender and you can go by whichever pronouns you want while being a gender that said pronouns arent commonly applied to
Basically; if the appearances are altered it should be tagged accordingly out of care and consideration for those who dont wish to see that sort of thing for whatever reason. i dont get why people act like theres some morality thing at stake for tagging things like genderbend? trans or cis, the character looks different now which may be upsetting to some, so tag it!!! we're all just here to have fun!!!!
i also want to say enjoying or creating "hetbends" does not make you a bad person nor are you erasing queer rep, especially if you are keeping their queerness!! the original characters will remain the same no matter how much we may alter their gender and appearances in our niche circles, and there will always be a VAST majority of people representing the canon, so really theres no need to worry about wishing to indulge in the things that make you happy. none of us wish to hurt people with what we create!! and that is the REASON its tagged accordingly to begin with. So again; if you feel you have altered the characters to a point where some may be uncomfortable PLEASE tag it. and if there are things that make YOU uncomfortable PLEASE MUTE IT!! we tag things FOR YOU!!!!
#went on a bit of a tangent SORRY i just hate it when i see obvious femstars art and its not tagged properly#i also dont like the argument some femstarries make where its like “why do ppl cw tag femstars ?? do women scare u ???”#BC WHILE I DO AGREE THERES A FUCK TON OF MISOGYNY IN THIS FANDOM#AND THAT ALOT OF THE TIME IT GENUINELY IS JUST PPL WHO HATE WOMEN COMPLAINING ABT THIS STUFF#there is also the people who get genuinely upset over this sort of content#be it because that character resonates with them deeply so they dont want to see them altered#or because theyre simply in it for the source material and dont wish to see a basically entirely new cast#and it should still be tagged for these people!!#even if its trans!! even if its cis!!!!#please look out for one another!!!!!#the amount of times ive seen people not tag femstars/genderbend bc “oh its trans” upsets me#we dont TAG to let people know whats in their pants#we tag so people who dont want to see potentially upsetting things dont need to see it#does this make sense#idk. i just get annoyed with how everything turns into some act of morality in this fandom#even when your actions are done FOR them#TLDR JUST TAG ACCORDINGLY AKSDHFKUAJHSDG#ask
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the thing about trans people who dont pass is, are they not passing as a result of their genuine wish, or have they accepted it because of a lack of access to the resources they need(both in terms of hrt, surgeries and a support system around them irl). like are they truly brave and courageous or they trying to make the best of what they have?
some more personal feelings on this below
i'm someone who isn't interested in starting T for example, but how much of my disinterest is from the fact that it just seems impossible both currently and in the future? I honestly don't know. I dont experience dysphoria(at least not any more in comparison to when i was just starting puberty and thought it was just girl puberty things(TM) to hate your chest) but would i get euphoria from it? i dont know because that option to try it out doesnt really exist for me.
I could look at my brother and try to imagine what being more masculine presenting is like but thats not the same thing as seeing your physical body be different. when i cut my hair short(boy cut short as my parents would say) i felt really happy but everyone around me just basically said i was making a mistake and i was better off with longer hair. i've gone back to keeping it long now but i miss having shorter hair. i'm going to get it cut short again but i'm probably going to be meaner when people comment on it again like they undoubtably will
i wish we could get to a point where trying out hormones or even a different presentation is just an option for anyone, I hope this doesn't sound transmedicalist, because in no way am I trying to say that surgeries and hormones are the only way to be trans, i'm just saying that there should be more support for people to gain access to it, with how many laws restrict it there should be more mutual aid for that(and obviously they shouldnt be talked about here at all loose lips sink ships and all that)
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13 Sentinels Aegis Rim uses obnoxiously tropey anime and predictable sci fi to peddle queerphobic hate propaganda
Last night I started playing 13 Sentinels Aegis Rim. A game that I would describe as being the closest thing to an Evangelion game, moreso then actual Eva games that exist because outside of combat there is a lot of talking and it has a vibe that feels very Eva. And as you might imagine, it's about kids needing to get in the robots to fight the whatever that is coming to Earth to find something we've hidden in a facility deep underground, in this case we fighting aliens instead of angels. Also like Eva it's filled with obnoxious and problematic anime tropes except unfortunately unlike Eva, Sentinels doesn't have the self aware pessimism that Eva has, where it feels like it hates itself which honestly made Eva more bareable.
No, Sentinels does this shit without a hint of self awareness and most of the writing is tropey anime garbage and terrible anime voice acting to go with it. It even makes the underage pilots naked whenever they get in the robot, which just made me unalive the moment I saw it, and the justification for it which I looked up because I don't care about this games dogshit plot, is the most roundabout weeb trying explain the thematic importance of needless sexualisation Ive ever seen next to Quiet from MGS5 breathing through her skin. Also "and it was all a simulation" trope is dumb nowadays and the Wachowsky sisters did it with Matrix 1. And every character is just an obnoxious walking trope and I hate them all.
I think the worst thing for me though is the absolute horrible handling of the few queer characters, like I should have heeded the warnings but yikes. So there is one guy, one of the protagonists we are supposed to route for, who has feelings for a "girl" who we are told is actually a "guy" but the game actually reveals that they are nonbinary, and yet every character continues to misgender and rudely question why they wear the clothes that they do. They literally respond to the "why are you wearing girl's clothes" question with "because some binaries work for me and others dont." The guy who likes them is bi also, which the constant misgendering he does makes him awful bi rep as well i feel. This never stops, and what I learnt from looking up these characters to see if things improve is that it only gets worse. Its revealed that the enby character in the future is in a relationship with the guy who never stopped misgendering, and then literally right after revealing this information they reveal that they are both killed shortly after. The only queer couple in the game. They also like to portray the enby character as manipulating the guy's feelings for them the whole time as well because of course we have to shoehorn in the "trans people are manipulating you" hate propaganda as well.
Something else I wanted to mention is that on top of the horrible treatment of the actual queer characters, very early on they also queerbait with these guys showing what seems to be romantic feelings for eachother when it turns out that, oh it was just this girl character misinterpreting a conversation she was spying on. Queerbaiting an mlm relationship, constantly misgendering an enby character, throwing in a bury your gays trope and potraying the only enby character as a manipulator. I hated everything else about this games writing but the exploitative and horrible treatment of queer folks makes 13 Sentinels unplayable garbage that I wish I could refund.
And it's funny that, I remember it came out the same year as Disco Elysium and seeing people genuinely debating over which had the best game story of the year between these 2 which is absolutely hilarious, like it's not even close. Disco Elysium is actually a super well written game which handles a lot of very sensitive and intense subject matter with so much care, talks very directly about a lot of very relevant sociatal issues and also, actually has well written and tactfully handled queer characters as well. I mean the best and one of the most well written characters of that game, Kim Kitsuragi is a gay man.
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being in game art studies and realizing we are not in a world where the internet and the plzce that raises me is an outcast thing. realizing theres people with bullies behaviours in the nerdy spaces.
struggling to do a single thing in 3d bc you convinced yourself you wanted to do silly vn sprites and on the verge of tears for no reason
being that annoying guy who wants to cry because he has difficulties in an art field he discovered 4 months ago.
being interested in ui/ux design but knowing damn well maximalist design is over and i would have to do crappy looking ass round-edged rectangles as a menu and call it a day.
creativity on the internet is dead, but not when there's money to be made.
and even that, youtube has become the same as television.
creativity as a whole is fucking dead. either you're f-cking toby fox and out nowhere autistic gay kids find your game and everyone loves it or you stay in the shadows, living with state help in a crappy appartment infested with mice and parasited by external noise bc its too expensive to have a decent isolated flat.
being autistic and having to deal with a room full of 35 people every single day
being autistic and even if they dont say a thing knowing damn well people find you "special"
neons making noise.
people talking out loud
being convinced you ask dumb questions and piss off the teacher so you say nothing
to cry when going home because you dont understand a thing
but thats what you wanna do right? art. in video game field.
when the only games you're capable to play are jrpgs and visual novels
in a school where everyone plays aaa games and league of legends.
so your references doesnt make any sense
and you're annoying people with your persona 4 thing
shut up about adachi
i dont want to.
right now i just want to burst out in tears bc i always have too specific expectations
i should maybe just calm down
i want more holidays
i wanna play persona
i wish i could merge with my computer again. and i have this mindset for 10 years
i watched lain last week
and yea now i see why my bro told me to watch
but i dont wanna stop existing
but not as the human being i am today
i hate being trans
i hate it all right now
i hate capitalism
i hate work
i fucking hate it
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I'm the fandom headcanon discourse anon! And yeah I fully agree with your addition!
More thoughts about this: I read a post in the BG3 fandom a couple months ago on how you can pick any voice regardless of your character's genitalia. They said that while it was nice trans inclusivity, it doesn't actually represent the full scope of what trans people sound like. It sort of moved me, and I wish we had more of that in general!
Not to say that trans people can never pass because that's absolutely wrong, but I wish it wasn't so universally treated as the absolute endgoal of being trans. I wish the full spectrum of bodies that comes with being trans or cis was represented in media.
And also that people didn't immediately headcanon characters who fail to very strictly conform to gender roles as "trans people who aren't there just yet" or "trans people who you can clock as trans because they act/look like their agab". It's super uncomfortable. I think there is a lot of worth to be found in respectfully representing early transition trans people/trans people who dont care about passing, but it just feels like fandom spaces are enforcing gender roles instead of supporting that. I don't think it's healthy to have that level of scrutiny over the way people simply exist.
I don't think people stop and think about why they associate thinness, whiteness and youthfulness with femininity both outside and within trans circles. There is this mentality of thinking that as soon as something is lgbtq its absolutely morally pure, and I truly hate it! People should be more critical of things!
But anyway feel free to use those thoughts for your video!!! I wish to remain anonymous but I'm happy I can help you with it.
you are so right anon..!!!
Passing is not the end-goal for many trans people, myself included. It honestly kinda bothers me that the go to compliment for trans people is "you pass so well!" cause like.. unless the person in question was specifically asking if they pass or not or felt like they don't and it bothers them.. it's kinda weird. I've seen so many trans people make posts talking about the fact they don't care about passing or don't want to but people STILL comment "omg but you pass so well!" cause to them passing is the ultimate goal for us and they cannot fathom someone being comfortable and happy in their visible transness.
All trans people deserve to be represented and heard. We're all individuals with different goals and needs for our bodies and identities. Listen to the individual! So many people who know I'm trans for some reason always ask each other things about me instead of just asking ME. And it's just lead to no one understanding who I really am and it's so hard to correct them anymore. It's like a game of telephone.. really does not help I was outed to my entire outer family even though I told the person who did it I wanted to tell them all on my own terms and one at a time so it could be personal. but whatever.
I've had many people in my life comment things like "if you're a boy why do you still wear skirts? why do you carry a purse? why do you have long hair? why do you paint your nails?" etc etc and it made me dysphoric not because those things made me feel that way.. but the fact my identity was questioned purely based on my interests and clothing. Why can't I just say I'm a boy without it being questioned? I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
Anyway, sorry got a little personal there but I guess my feelings on this matter are very personal so.. ahem.
And yeah I totally agree with the point of people believing things to be 100% pure and good when it has even a little bit of LGBTQ+ representation in it. It's a huge problem with media literacy I think. There are plenty of extremely bad and problematic medias out there that have queer rep in them but I still see people praise them for purely HAVING queer people in it. Meanwhile god forbid a media have nuance and subtext and coding instead of blatant representation and suddenly its the worst and most problematic thing in history for not saying anything outright..
What makes a trans headcanon offensive or not is down to the context of the character.
For example. Say you have a character who's interests do not align with the traditional things their agab "should" enjoy. They have a big character arc about being their agab while still enjoying these things because their interests don't effect their gender identity at all.. this is a character who is offensive to headcanon as trans.. (atleast when you try to make their gender identity align with their interests instead of the identity they heavily express in the media. like hcing a male character who wears skirts as a transman is fine imo cause it doesn't change his gender identity, which in this case, is very important to him.)
Now this time we have a character who has no arcs relating to gender identity or expression of anything like that. if you headcanon this character as a trans it is 100% okay! There's no gender roles to point to here!! you're just having fun!!
Then we have an ambiguous character, a character who doesn't particularly care about being treated one way or the other and just enjoys what they enjoy which happens to be different than what they are "expected" to like based on their agab. This character is also fine to hc as trans cause obviously their gender identity isn't that important to them.
And finally the most offensive. This character is heavily implied to be a trans already. They express gender problems relating to being trans one way but people read this and somehow cannot fathom that a trans character has ALREADY transitioned (socially and/or medically) and assumes this means the character is a trans the other way. Ignoring all the obvious signs and coding that they are, in fact, very wrong. Because a lot of people these days have no media literacy or reading comprehension. (also works for nonbinary characters where people insist upon them being binary one way or the other which is.. annoying(such as Crona from Soul Eater))
Anyway SORRY I RAMBLED FOR AWHILE LMAO ahem ahem thank you for offering your thoughts for my video on the topic! It's good to get other peoples opinions and thoughts on it cause I don't want it to be one-sided and only from my pov lol I hope everything I said makes sense idk I have a bit of a headache lmao
#nil rambles#asks#i love my brother but also i hate when he comes over cause he smokes and i cannot get the smell OUT OF MY NOSE#GIVING ME A HEADACHE I WANNA DIE#if i come back and read this and it makes no sense btw no one can blame me cause i have a headache and can barely focus my eyes#cause headache make astigmatism worse and font small and HARD TO READ.#it took me like an hour to write this i think i ate in the middle of it IMDFSJGKHS#im opening my window maybe that will help
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wataru hibiki my precious lil birdie aaaawwwwwww
anyway i wish i had the energy to think deep thoujghts about her . deep thoughts thatd make me feel like a real #1 wataruknower . i wish i had the will to get my ass over to some enstars stories featuring wataru and read them but i dont hav anyfucking will for anything but mindless scrolling and being pessimistic i was doing #stuff today and then i had a therapy appointment and bam rest of day wasted............................................................................................... besides when i painted for a while lol i got watercolor set for xmas and its quite fun
wataru is MINE!!!!!!!!!!! MY CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE LEAVESME AWESTRUCK I CANT EVEN THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! unless youre one of my three friends from twitter (hi) you have NO IDEA of the extent. of how i so adore and love wataru. and even than thats not all of my love for her.
one thing tho i love when people draw her face very expressive. i wish i could do that in my own art of her........ im better than ai but worse than most actual artists :( i want to die because im not able to capture her accurately in artistic mediums but other people can? so MAD!!! KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE (to myself not to the wonderful talented artists who i admire very much)
idk i just feelt like shit lately. its because i havent gotten enough wataru. the enstar doctor perscribd me 10 hours of wataru hibiki a day and lately ive been getting like 2 a day when i NEED more than that i need. like 10! i need my mind to reboot my brain and maybe put a fucking timer on youtube because i keep looking at shitty uoiutube shorts WASTING MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AWAY AND MAKING ME DEPRESSED AND DOOMFUL AND AAAARGHH
how many of you even know my name? i know 3 of you do (hi again)
tumblr isd better for making long incoherent posts huuuuu
need one of those send a number and ill give a ___ headcannon things ummmmmmmmmmmm idk i feel like all my awnsers to thosewould be dissapointingly bland and im scared that there will be something in cannon thatd contradict my hc (NOT LIKE A LESBIAN HC BUT LIKE A LIKE/DISLIKE THING) wataru is lesbian by the way and i think, as an autisticl esbian mysjmlf and YOUR wataru expert Wataru feels the isolations. the lesbian isolations. the autism isolations. maybe its weird and unrelated to what im saying here and it might sound even crude but whenever someone who previously idenntif as lesbian comes out as Not lesbian i feel a profound emptiness within me . and i know i should probably tell that to a therapist and not post it on tumblr for anyone whos former ident lesbian to see this and feel guilty or mad at me but i JUST had a therapy appointment today and need to get it out. its been in my brain for a long time. and ive of course ive come to recognize and get used to people changing, ive never thought or said to anyone “nooo you cant be _____ youre supposed to be my fellow lesbian :(” but i never see anyone ever talking about feeling sad when a lesbian they know turns out to Not be a lesbian except in the context of transphobia or homophobia. like im NOT one of those asses saying “a trans man? we lost a lesbian im so sad” “noo lesbi ann is dating a man and changing her name to bai sexxx this is so not her! come back lesbi ann!” im just saying i feel like when someone who previously idenntif as lesbian comes out as Not lesbian i feel a profound emptiness within me. and im NOT trying to guilt trip! and PLEASE dont be mad at me! and i get USED to people not being lesbian! the emptiness goes away after several months! but yea whatever
i want someone out there to make more art of eichi lovingly brushing and braiding watarus beautiful long hair. fic or art. or cannon for the love of god... theyd BOTH enjoy it the same amount im telling uou. even when they grow old together watarus hair is still long and still so nice and soft tbh like she got upset that it all turned white and talked about possibly dying it a lot but eichi is like My Wife Of Many Years You Are So Beautiful With White Hair You Are A Goddess. I Love It Just As Much As When It Was Blue. but in present time as 19 year old young lesbian lovers i just know wataru has falllen asleep while eichi runs his fingers through watarus wonderful amazing shiny superlong hair. i know wataru doesnt wanna like be asleep in front of people but as part of showing her human side more, i see her doing it tbh, eichi loves seeing his girlfriend asleep and is always like Awwww :3 wataru doing normal human things with eichi is actually cannon btw and im smiling thinking aboutt that
i want to write a magnus archives statement about watarus expieriences with a fountain (the stranger) she makes a foolish wish on that has her live a year where evgery day she wakes up in a different persons life and body and its totally torturous. after 365 days of that shes finally in the life and body of wataru hibiki again but she is incredibly traumatized . happier ending than most magnus archives statements because she is ALIVE with no physical injury and doesnt end up dying or anything. the stranger. i remember when i was really lttle i came across a ton of amazon reviews for a book that had a premise basically similar to this except itwas a creature who lived like this and it was a love story or something LET ME FIND IT HOLD ON
its called “Every Day” i found it lol
i never read it but i reacd the reviews 8 years ago so i feel like i know it well enough. it was easy to find by one single google search ahaha
i hsould be going to bed now thanks for listening tubmlmr
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_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ valentine's interaction boundariez
(pls interact, thin ice, dni)
last updated 8/14/2022
figured i should make one big post for this instead ov sporadically updating my pinned.. note that this is subject to change,, and you should probably check in like once a month to see if you still do/dont fall under the dni!! >_<
when i say dni i mean do not at all interact.. don't follow me,, reblog my terms*,, follow my main blog, nothing. however you may still use my terms if you're comfy**,,
* (unless you have an alt account for xenogender hoarding,, then you can reblog on that account specifically..)
** (obvious exceptionz come in here.. like,, terfs/swerfs, enby skeptics,, anti-mogai,, bc like why the hell would they use xenos in the first place..
i also do not want endos using my terms,, for my own comfort
(exceptionz will have an asterisk & parenthesis explanation down below.. idk how to explain it)
_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ PLZ INTERACT >w<
plz interact w me if any ov the following appliez 2 u!! (≧▽≦)
"cringy" ppl (furriez, emo, scenekidz, xenogender hoarderz, etc)!!
hexd/nightcore fanz!!
sparklecare hospital fanz!!
nonhuman (otherkin, therian, etc)!!
voidpunk!!
autistic!!
goreshit fanz!!
evaboy/figure skater/miya lowe fanz!!
_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ THIN ICE X_X
you risk being blocked iv these apply to u,, but we may be able to sort something out.. >_<
doesnt understand neopronounz/typing quirkz/the like
use the > symbol when quoting thingz
imagine dragonz fanz
find "fatherless" jokes funny
make fun ov pplz death (not including queen lizzy)
think furriez r "weird"
bnha fans
gacha life users
uses slurs A LOT
dislikes my special interestz
_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ DNI OmO
do not interact with this blog if any ov the following applies to you;;
note that this is just stuff that applies to the mogai space.. my full dni (on my carrd) has some info that,, while unrelated to mogai,, could be pretty important..
dsmp fans regardless ov iv u support the creators or not (doesnt include fictives/introjects that are heavily critical of the media)
(pro-) endo/demo/tulpa*
anti-mogai (tf u doin here??)
fans ov the boyfriends webtoon (irls who r critical ov their source r fine but pls specify that on ur profile or smth)
truscum/transmed
unironically use terms like traumascum/sysmed
against typing quirks
terf/swerf
aspec/arospec exclus/think aros or aces shouldn't be in the lgbt
think pronouns=gender
(pro-) maps/p3d0s
(pro-) z00s/b34st14l1ty
proship/comship/anti-anti/profic/whatever else yall mfs call urselves**
nonbinary skeptic/think ppl need dysphoria to be trans
anti-self dx with research (they're only trying to figure themselves out..)
autism speaks supporter (im autistic myselv & hate them with a passion..)
anti-blm/acab/support the p0l1ce
cringe/flop blog
nsfw blog
against trans boys being feminine
pro-abuse/abuser, harrassers, people who think "kys" (and related) is an acceptable thing to say to another entity in any case
send anonymous death threats/support toyhouse drama blogs
if you have a typing quirk that involves putting right arrow brackets (ex.. "> hi can you do a gender based on X?" "hi, im looking for a gender based on X> thanks>>) ***
* (im uncomvy with endoz themselves using my terms,, but supporters can if theyre comvy doing so..)
** (people in recovery from proshipping, that are minors, are fine.. i was recently informed that most minors who do it were groomed into the mindset and i wish them a good recovery..)
*** my ex had that same typing quirk,,,,,, it just reminds me ov him.. ,,,,, please stay away,, as its a trigger.. sorry.. /gen
additionally,, for your own sake pls dont interact if youre uncomfy with my views on certain topics.. (here's the masterlist)
_________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ my current banner
it doesn't have everything but it has most ov what someone would need,, i guess..
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i’m non-binary.
i realized this last year, when i was 30.
i knew about the term before and even though i am queer, very tolerant and very leftist, i always, silently, thought to myself “ok thats something the kids are doing. i dont get it but good for them.”
i remember struggling with my gender identity a lot in my teens. i thought it was a natural consequence of being born female in our current world.
i was wrong.
what changed?
people started talking about it more and more. it wasnt just “the kids” being non-binary and using those “silly” neo-pronouns, it was people of all ages and all classes talking about being non-binary.
my story is a bit silly, honestly. i discovered a new song and listened to it for hours on end, like many of us do. except, i could not look away from the singer. i kept staring at him. i was feeling something i never felt before.
the man is attractive, but that was not it. i was not attracted to him, not at all.
but there was... longing.
it was a sudden and fierce kind of longing. my soul was screaming and i cried, not knowing whether from joy or pain.
i printed out his pictures and kept staring and staring and staring and not understanding. what was it about him? what was going on with me?
so i braved the stormy waters and researched what it meant to be trans. for if this was not attraction, then it must be linked with gender.
and i searched. and i questioned. i was so very, very afraid. was i trans? did i want to be a man?
just a few months ago i went from bisexual to lesbian, this could not happen! i could not put down my queer love for woman! this could not be happening!
i did not want to be trans. that would be a very scary thing indeed, but i did not stop, i did not turn back. i had to know.
i read stone butch blues by leslie feinberg and i understood.
at the end of the day:
it should not matter.
it does, unfortunately. it matters a whole fucking lot.
i still have to put on a gender that my workplace understands, i still have to present a gender that strangers can accept, i have to wear a gender to protect myself and to live without a great amount of work.
its not easy and it sucks and i do doubt myself. but this is my doubt. not anybody elses. its private, it belongs to me. it sucks that other people look at me and see a cis woman, it sucks that this needs to be thing at all, that we made rules in such a way that most of us have to be one or the other, even though its completely pointless.
my cis ex didnt see me as non-binary, and while i understand, it really sucked.
im tired and a bit sad and i do doubt myself, but im also very much sure and nobody is allowed to doubt me. its mine. not anybody elses.
im non-binary. or maybe im nothing, maybe im both, maybe im ten genders, maybe im one thing one day, maybe another thing the next day. does it matter? it shouldnt.
i just wanna exist in peace. i wanna wear eyeliner and present my hairy legs and not worry about rejection or worse.
i dont want to doubt myself any longer, i wish things would be different, i wish any of this would not be necessary and we all could be who we are, no questions, no doubts, just being ourselves.
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