Or you were expecting maybe, uhhhh, the Ninja Turtles?

Can I have a story too, bro? Any mythology? 🥺

Yes of course! Let me think of a nice one that you'll enjoy.............*please imagine the music you hear when you're on hold for a company phone number, but in kazoo*................DING!

Today we'll be learning about the 2nd incarnation of Lord Vishnu from my own religion/mythology! Disclaimer to any who practice Hinduism, don't come after me for being irreverent. I believe that these stories were meant to be told with love and affection, not fear.

Onward to a cautionary tale about how being arrogant is one of the worst things you can do when met with a temperamental sage and how tortoises and snakes are apparently valid materials in engineering. Due to divinity of said creatures, it can be safely said that no reptiles were harmed in the making of this production!

Once upon a time, while the King of the Heavens, God of Lightning and Thunder (think Zeus but less swol??), Indra was simply king-ing around, a sage came into his court. Now, these sages were very powerful and well-respected members of society. They'd essentially take to the forest and pray for a very, very long time and gain something akin to XP points in a game, along with rather unsavory looking beards (but don't ever said that to them aloud, you'll see what happens when you offend them!). Generally, a force to be respected and tread carefully around.

The sage that came on that Wednesday afternoon (this is an estimate based on my stellar intuition), was named Durvasa. And he was known to be a very, very, very, very grumpy old coot. Perhaps it was because he meditated with the wrong posture, it can't be explained for sure. Anyways, if you ever come across him, keep your manners poised!

He came with good intent, wanting to bestow a flower garland on Indra as a gesture of blessing and kindness. However, Indra, presumably addled by the royal haze, simply took it and gave it to Airavat, his elephant. Now, being an elephant, Airavat did not necessarily have a great regard for decorum and simply stomped on it after realizing that it wasn't a snack.

Durvasa was livid to say the least, and can you blame him? Imagine you spent all your time writing a love letter for someone and they simply through it to their pet shredder, sounds horrid, doesn't it? (Now you'll have more incentive to reblog this!)

Well in his rage, the old geezer cursed everyone in the heavens, gods and demigods alike, to lose all fortune, happiness, and victory! Soon after, Indra's armies began to lose all of their battles, and generally seemed to be going through a time about as fun as ours. The gods were entirely at their wits' end! How would they finagle their way out of this?

Forgive the quick business analogy, but imagine this power structure a bit like a corporate one. Indra would be the CEO of the company, but there is a founding board of directors that he answers to. The Big Three: Vishnu, Shiva, and Bramha.

Anyways, Indra and the rest of the heavenly squad trekked up to Vishnu's realm and sheepishly asked for an assist. Vishnu told them that all their fortune and the immortal nectar, Amrit (for the graecophiles, Ambrosia) was at the bottom of the ocean (Pacific? Atlantic? I think quite possibly could have been an extremely large puddle). To regain their prosperity and health, they would have to churn it out of the ocean!

At that point, Vishnu, in RPG game fashion, gave them a helpful hint: You need the help of the demons to hold the other side of whatever rope you use to churn, but you cannot let them take the Immortal Juice. This would require some hijinks and shenanigans, but they figured out a plan.

The gods convinced the demons to come and help them churn, promising that they would share the Amrit. They assembled a humongous, gargantuan, massive churning mechanism. Vishnu's "snake familiar", Vasuki, King of the Serpents, was the churning rope and huge mountain was the churning rod. As they pulled the snakey-rope back and forth, demons on one side, gods on the other, the mountain started sinking! Oh no! So, Vishnu took the form of a tortoise and went under the mountain to keep it stabilized! By some engineering miracle, the wealth and fortune came right out from the seabed, along with a few unfortunate fishes. When the Amrit came out, the Demons quickly snatched it for security. But the gods had a plan, because as we know, if there's one thing that dissolves all reason from the brain, it is a very hot woman. (unless you're an aspec or a gay in this case, but at this point, I'm willing to bet that the illusion would simply change to be garlic bread or a hot stud to seduce you anyways)

Now who exactly was this hot woman? Well, her name was Mohini, but she was actually Vishnu in disguise! She seduced the demons into letting her distribute the Amrit to everyone and with her charming maneuvers, she managed to distract the demons so that they wouldn't notice that she was only actually giving nectar to the gods! Victory for our side!

But wait! It turns out the demons had a counterstrike of their own! One demon, Rahuketu, realized the trick and disguised himself to be a god so he would get the nectar. But just as the nectar was about to go down his throat, Vishnu caught him and beheaded him with his ultra-scary, spiky frisbee, the Sudarshan Chakra. Because the demon had already ingested it partially, the two half of his body became sentient beings aptly named Rahu and Ketu. We now see them in the sky as Uranus and Neptune! With that deception foiled, the story ends with the victory of the gods!

Fun fact about Mohini: This female avatar of Vishnu, was very much the temptous femme fatale of the millennia! She killed many demons with her cunning and looks, the illusion being able to tempt anyone! Including....one of the other members of the Triumvirate, Shiva himself! According to the stories of Kerela, India, Shiva saw Mohini, they did "lovers-in-the-nighttime" and had a child, Ayyappa! As a trans, I think this is pretty cool, but thought you all would like to know as well!

IT’S HERE! Pandemic Relief Comes with Treefort!

My first day with Treefort started a day late due to prior engagements but after just a few minutes, the loss of that first night rush was let go into the wind as the experience was embraced again after a year and a half of nothingness in our reality transforming, germ cloud, in which we now find ourselves. The most amazing thing in Boise has to be the famous sign that says it is now 0 days until, probably, the best music festival in the country is back.

An amazing, happy hour burger at the Owyhee Plaza with some NA beer (yep, the first totally dry Treefort too) and I was off to roam to my heart’s content.

Armed with a media pass, a jacket for some extra pockets, a new iPhone, and the excitement of escaping the desolation of no live music in recent memory, I was off. It had finally become clear I would not be joined by my 17 year old progeny, who had her own media pass and friends all over the festival. McKenna McKay will not be seen by her father this weekend.

So… roaming first brought me to the Radio Boise stage and a few songs from The Prids. This Portland based band is a post punk, dreamy experience that anyone can enjoy. It seems I didn’t watch enough in retrospect, but they play again tonight at the Shredder. Check them out!

A little roaming by the Hideout and then to the main stage, where whoa… The Shivas. Having never heard them previously, I was immediately in love.

This is the true beauty of Treefort. You roam around, not always knowing what you’ll get, but it’s always really, really good. It’s kind of like randomly grabbing candy bars at the gas station knowing no matter which one it is, it’ll be a spectacular candy bar. Or going to a singles event knowing that every person you meet is certainly a damn good match. Yeah, it’s like that. Always a great experience no matter where you end up.

So… The Shivas. Take some guitar magic right off of the Woodstock ‘69 stage, plop it down in Boise with hard hitting drums, and near perfect vocals, and this is what you get. This hard hitting, transcendent experience isn’t one you find every day. Also, a Portland based band, The Shivas include: Guitarist/singer Jared Molyneux, bassist Eric Shanafelt, drummer/singer Kristin Leonard and guitarist Jeff City. The vocal talents of Jared and Kristin are fabulous. Kristin has a way of sucking in the entire audience and transporting everyone to a more beautiful world, even if that world is throbbing with some electric riffs.

Their new album, Feels So Good, is out today and is a must!

Well hey… things are good so why not stick it out at the Main Stage.

Up next was local legend Doug Martsch. I don’t have to say much or even offer a review. It’s Built to Spill. Iconic, legendary, pure awesomeness, and Treefort necessity. No further words need be said. Just enjoy and sway with the crowd.

Japanese Breakfast was the band I had specifically targeted for the day’s main experience and they exceeded my expectations by 1000 times. Michelle Zauner is the small package that was my COVID-19 knight in shining armor. Her vocals, energy, and musical talent are beyond mere mortals. To see a large crowd all pulled into this experience together and moving to the music, reinforced that we weren’t in the same place we’ve all been the last one and half years. Electric and entrancing might be the words that best fit Japanese Breakfast.

As their first headlining performance at a major festival, I had to think that they need to be headlining everywhere after this. This made the night as the crowd grew larger and Boise felt truly alive

Many more hours were spent just roaming around, as Treefort is all about roaming. Finishing up the night at Pengilly’s with the sounds of American Old Time, Trouble Town out of San Francisco. Hey. This was just fun with a small crowd in a bar that is a local institution for folk and bluegrass. It could finish up any better.

One last note about Treefort is that immediately one sees the social responsibility of its attendees and the work that has gone into keeping it responsible. Thank you to every Treeforter for being a great person.

Favourite DMC Weapons in Order

Devil Arms

Cavaliere

While I made fun of this at the beginning, this is a ridiculously well implemented weapon. The only change I would make to it is let Dante ride it, like V does Shadow when running. Cavalier is quite a timing centric weapon, but also has great crowd control. It unfortunately gets hung-up when fighting larger Demons, as it combo-locks, stopping you from dodging. This is a drawback when using it, but does not detract from the weapon.

note: The last e is not bolded because I didn't know it had a trailing E, this turns it from Cavalier / Chevaliér (masculine) to Cavaliere / Chevalière (feminine). Despite my love of motorcycles turning to chicks, (Arcee/Transformers: Prime and Shiva/FFXIII), this had nothing to do with it's high placement on this list.

Alastor

After all of these years, Alastor is still the sword with the best move set. It seems like Dante uses the same fighting style with all swords, so many of the moves from the later games could, (and explicitly do), transition. What makes Alastor special is Round Trip and Air Raid. Round Trip never being done as well as it was in the original, and Air Raid being absent from 4 and 5. Rebellion makes sense without Air Raid, but there is absolutely no excuse for it's attrocious treatment of Round Trip.

For the record, the ideal round trip. Basic Attack Button (Devil Arm) (hold). He adopts a stance in ~1.5s. Once in the stance, you can release it at any time and it flies in an arc towards the target. If it hits the target, it grinds, as if the target were being hit repeatedly but a melee attack with the weapon, (though, likely a bit weaker, like Shredder). While the sword is away, you use Dante's basic, unpowered, 4-part melee attack. You gain unpowered equivalents of other skills used by the game's unarmed Devil Arm.

Concept: Beowulf was beautifully rendered as always being equiped. The Beowulf copycats all added too much kitsch to make it viable to always keep them equiped. But, if you have something like Beowulf that can always be equiped, you can just use that Devil Arm until the sword returns.

Concept: Once Dante is in the stance, you can push rstk-frwd/back to use alternate versions. Forward can be Sword Pierce, whereas back could be a crowd-control version of it, (as seen in Megaten 3: Nocturne).

Beowulf

Hands-down, the best gauntlet-weapons in DMC history. DMC4 did a shitty job of trying to copy it, and DMCV made it more complicated, but less useful. It also robbed you of a cool boss fight. The only problem with Beowulf is that it had a similar niche as Rebellion, but was a bit less versatile.

Nevan

Colossal Qualifier: It's nearly useless as it is. You see, they opted to not give it a basic attack. You press Attack, and he pulls out the guitar. If you hold down Attack he plays it, summons electric bats. The bats fly at enemies when you let go of the button. This is similar to the functionality of the original Round Trip. All they had to do was... actually give it basic attacks, and it would have been incredibly useful. What they did was make the basic attacks Swordmaster Style exclusive, and were more support attacks. That said, all of the skills were incredibly fun. Unfortunately, as it is, it's only really useful for one skill. The only R1 + (side) I've seen in ANY DMC game has him do a knee slide creating a massive AoE attack. This wasn't especially useful as an attack, but it would guarantee getting at least one S or in style ratings. It would also make a lot more sense as a Swordmaster skill, but, again, the sword master skills were regular attacks. The best use for Nevan was to start a combo, switch to Nevan for the kneeslide to ratchet up the style rating, and then switch back to whatever other weapon you were using. It ends up being one of DMC's biggest disappointments, (which is saying something for the DMC series).

Agni and Rudra

Probably the best crowd-control weapons in the game. Once you get good at them, if you pair them with Rebellion or Beowulf, you will be invincible. They are also the only weapons who TALK while you are using them, with Dante giving them an annoyed reply.

Cerberus / King Cerberus

Not sure which one I want to go with. Cerberus is more specific. King Cerberus is more useful, but feels positively schizophrenic.

rejects:

Gilgamesh, Balrog, Lucifer

Surpassed:

Dante, (I like it in theory, but not a fan of the specific implementation), Sparda, (you only get to use it at full power, once; rightly so, but every other usage has it completely blanded out), Rebellion

Concept: Have a SECOND unarmed armed, which uses a soft-style, like Tai Chi or Jujitsu. Make it water-themed (Thetis) or plant-themed (Echidna) or something. Hell, if you make it Jujitsu, you could add Judo throws by holding Attack / Sword Master.

Firearms

Ebony and Ivory

What can I say?, E&I are so iconic for a reason, they are incredibly versatile, and incredibly beautiful. Shotgun typically has neutral agility, heavier weapons reduce your agility, but E&I INCREASE your agility. Even if they don't deal that much damage, or even stagger, they can really slow enemies down, make it easy to keep combos going, and really help recharging your Devil Trigger.

Artemis

Lock-on to a dozen enemies with half-a-dozen heavy mana arrows, even one of which will stagger most targets?

Double Kalina Ann

I miss the bayonet, but seriously, Double Kalina Anns. It would be insane if it wasn't Devil May Cry.

Shotgun

Always fun. The only problem I've had it with is that I've played myself out with shotguns. Every game has a shotgun, and it functions the same. There is, apparently, only so many times you can play with shotgun nunchucks and still be excited by it.

Spiral

Takes Dante's love of trick shots to it's furthest extreme.

Surpassed:

Nightmare-β, Grenadegun

Shit:

Blue Rose,

?: Dr. Faust

My version of the game came with 100,000 extra red orbs! I didn't fucking want it, so I'm not spending it. But this means I have a LOT to lose if I start spending red orbs with it.

Tear Jerker:

Pandora

Seriously, what you could have done with this. Instead they made a gun who's primary purpose was to get you killed. We also missed out on twin naked women ice flails.

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In the war against the Foot, you need as many allies as you can get.

The Foot Clan’s vile experiments reach depraved new heights as multiple failed attempts to resurrect their fallen master results in mutilated Shredder clones. Eventually, their efforts pay off and the true Shredder is reborn more dangerous than ever.

Now for Splinter. Really solid, although mine's belt came frayed and essentially dissolved into nothing. Nothing that a spare hair tie couldn't fix, though! The wire was poking out from the tail too, which is more annoying. Cutting the tip of the wire off and gluing the tear shut seems to have solved that issue.

Aside from some nebulous QC issues, I like this one a lot. Maybe even more than the cartoon version? If you could believe me, despite the issues described, he feels sturdier overall. His smaller size is fun too as it really makes Splinter feel even more Yoda-like.

For the TMNT fans, I got a fun one for you tonight. This is the NECA Shredder Clone two-pack, featuring Shiva Shredder and Mini-Shredder. Oh man, what a surprise this turned out to be. When I was a kid, I actually had the 2003 series Shiva Shredder figure. Despite having nearly nonexistent articulation and a crummy action feature, I still loved that figure. To have an update that’s this badass? It’s awesome. I love characters with four arms and I love Shredder, so combining the two is like peanut butter and chocolate.

Mini-Shredder is fun too, surprisingly expressive despite how limited you’d think the articulation would be. You’ve probably noticed that I’m one mutant Shredder clone short of a whole Shredder Elite. Yeah, Claw Shredder was a Loot Crate exclusive and I kinda wish I got it when it was cheaper on the aftermarket so that I could complete the group. At the same time, I really only wanted Shiva Shredder so I’m not TOO bummed about it. Still might bite the bullet on the current aftermarket prices since I do think they’d look great as a group, even if the reds on these guys don’t match that NYCC Shredder and Foot Clan set.

Overall, these are both still good enough that I feel you really don’t need the complete team to be happy here. While an ultimately minor character, Shiva Shredder is just so cool looking even on his own. He’s the TMNT equivalent to Goro, how can you not love that?