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havenoffandoms · 3 years

Note

can you do “I may have accidentally sort of adopted five goats.” geralt and reader? tysm! x

Thanks for the ask :D Sorry if it’s short, but it’s super fluffy and cute. I had a lot of fun writing it. I hope you enjoy <3

Prompt: “I may have accidentally sort of adopted five goats.”

Warnings: None. This is pure fluff. There’s like one swear word. That’s it. Also, Geralt’s nickname for reader is inspired by @queenxxxsupreme‘s characterisation of him in her very cute reader insert fics. Go check them out! Geralt will be so pissed, you just know.

As you stare at the exhausted goat and her four kids eagerly draining their mother of her milk, you can’t help but coo in utter adoration. Yes, Geralt will be pissed, but how can you resist? Mama goat looks exhausted as she lays sprawled on her side, her breath coming in short panicked bursts. She’s staring at you with wide fearful eyes, clearly debating whether she should muster the strength to run away from you or risk a strange human taking her babies away. You do your best to reassure her, whispering soft praises to the struggling animal, but refraining from touching the baby goats just yet.

Realistically speaking, there’s no room in your life for a family of goats, no matter how cute they are. Following Geralt around on the Path is tiring enough as it is without having to look after a flock. Geralt may have forgiven one goat, but not five. Just as you convince yourself that the best course of action is to leave the goats be, mama goat gives a weak bleat from her, a sound that tugs at your bleeding heart. She won’t survive another week in the wild, away from her flock. The nights are getting colder, and she’s dangerously close to the forest, where wolves and other predators roam. Mama goat and her kids make for very easy prey indeed.

You can already hear Geralt’s chastising voice in your head. It’s the way of nature, predators hunt prey, prey gets eaten. Yes, that is the way of nature, and deep down you know that. But it doesn’t have to be, not on your watch. You look back at Roach, who’s eyeing you warily. Just like her master, she knows exactly what you’re up to and she’s judging you for it. The cart attached to Roach, who has been demoted to a draught horse on your way to Kaer Morhen for the winter, would provide an excellent shelter for the goat family. You think that if you wrap them up in warm blankets, they might make it to the keep alive.

Now, as you wait for Geralt to return to camp after a quick trip in the nearby forest to hunt your dinner, you wonder how you’ll convince him to let you keep the goats. You know that it’ll be impossible to hide them from him. His keen senses of hearing and smell will instantly pick up on the intruders. You need to come up with arguments that will convince Geralt of the usefulness of these goats once you make it back safely to the witchers’ keep. It’s admittedly very hard to think at all with goat kids sniffing at your hand curiously and licking the salt off your fingers with their tiny tongue. You coo again, making kissing noises with your lips to attract the little goats’ attention. Mama goat seemingly decided that you’re no threat, and is now resting peacefully by your side while her babies gallivant around you. One particularly brave one jumps onto your hunched back, mouthing at your hair insistently despite your futile attempts to stop it.

“Get off me! Shoo, get down!”

Roach huffs irritably when one of the goat kids prances around her legs, but remains otherwise unperturbed. You eventually managed to rise to your feet and rid yourself of the adventurous goat. A beaming smile plays on your lips as you watch the little flock move around the clearing, never straying too far from their mother. You’re so lost in the scene that you fail to notice Geralt step out of the woods, two rabbits dangling from his belt. You start when you feel his hand rest on your hip.

“Melitele, Geralt, you scared the shit out of me!”

A warm chortle rumbles in his chest.

“Didn’t mean to, dove.”

You turn around in his embrace and offer a wide smile in greeting, before rising to your tiptoes and placing a delicate kiss to his cheek. His lips twitch into a shy smile and his amber eyes shine brightly as they gaze softly at you. The moment, however, is interrupted by one of the tiny goats chewing on his already worn boots. Geralt hisses his disapproval before gently nudging the goat away from him, but that doesn’t dissuade the reckless thing, who squeaks indignantly at Geralt for his efforts and headbutts Geralt in the shin. You can’t bite back a giggle at the sight.

“I think I’ll be calling you Bumper,” you announce proudly, kneeling by the newly named Bumper and gently scratching him behind the ear. You hear Geralt huff over you.

“Don’t name them. That’s one way to get attached.”

“Yeah, about that,” you rise to your feet once again, and before Geralt has a chance to escape your embrace, you wrap your arms around his neck and place featherlight kisses on his lips, cheeks, nose, and every other part of his face you can reach. You can feel his resolve crack as he melts in your embrace.

“I may have accidentally sort of adopted five goats.”

“Y/N,” he groans, unable to hide his exasperation, “how do you accidentally adopt five goats?”

“Doesn’t matter how,” you insist, your kisses growing more heated as you press your body flush against his. The action pulls a small sigh from Geralt, and with each passing minute, you can feel him getting closer and closer to actually giving in. But the lingering tension in his shoulders tells you that you need to work him a little harder still. “They’re sweet. The mother is exhausted and skinny, she won’t make it through the end of the week. And if she’s gone, her babies have no chance of surviving.”

“That’s the way of-”

“I know, dear,” your hands come to rest on his shoulders as you leave a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses along the sharp line of his jaw and down the length of his neck, nibbling playfully at the pulsing point, “but think about the benefits of having these goats up here. A supply of fresh milk every day, fibre for yarn…”

The tension in his shoulders slowly begins to loosen and you can’t bite back the satisfied smile. A small groan tumbles past Geralt’s lips as he grabs a hold of your arms and pulls you up for a heated kiss. You know you’ve convinced him, even though he hasn’t said a word yet. You’ve learned to read him like an open book over the years you’ve travelled with him.

“Is that a yes on the goats?” you ask as you two pull apart.

“Hm.” Your smirk widens at the resigned look on his face. The look in his eyes is fond and there’s the hint of a smile playing on his lips. “I’ve never been able to refuse you anything, dove.”

#geralt z rivia #geralt of rivia #geralt x reader #geralt x y/n #geralt x you #the witcher x reader #the witcher x y/n #the witcher x you #fluff #prompt request #havenwrites

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jaskiersvalley · 3 years

Note

So I just discovered your maned wolf Jaskier and I thought I might add something I know about them. As the original person mentioned they are not foxes or wolves but more like a wild dog but not. They are their own thing. Also their pee smells like marijuana. I've seen some at the the national zoo in D.C. they do better in pairs or with company then on their own. The last one they had before the pair of brothers they had when I went didn't do good on their own. Their legs are sk long because they are made to see over tall grass. I love manned wolves they are so unique.

This is such a delightful bunch of facts about maned wolves! Thank you for sharing your knowledge, I adored finding out more about these fascinating creatures. As thanks, here’s a slightly different take on maned wolf!Jaskier for you.

True Colours

It was rare for graduates of Aretuza to get together. Mostly because their motives and goals were rather at odds with each other usually so it wasn't a good idea to get together. Things could get rather unpleasant. But, once in a while, they could set their ambitions aside and enjoy each other's company.

"I'm telling you, she was scum," Yennefer giggled, leaning into Fringilla's shoulder. "You can do miles better."

"I just wish I'd known what she was like before I wasted all that time on her." Nursing a freshly broken heart, Fringilla was eager for any kindness her peers would show her. "Humans are scum."

All too eager to agree, Yennefer nodded along. Humans were rather unfortunate creatures, she couldn't really help with that, ridding the Continent of them was quite unethical. But the thing about true colours, she could most definitely help with that.

"I've got the perfect spell! We can reveal the whole Continent's true colours." Laughter went up around them at the declaration and Yennefer sniffed as she straightened up. "You can all help. Or watch and learn."

It was quite amazing, how much power five drunken sorceresses could harness. The spell took a considerable amount of rather raw, unrefined Chaos and they all sprawled on the ground in a sweaty pile by the time it was done. Alas, in their drunken stupor, they noted that the spell had done nothing other than make the sky flash and rumble in an ever spreading wave until it moved out of sight.

The next morning they were all suitably hungover and more than ready to return to their usual duties. There was only so much time they could spend with each other before the truce ended and they were at each other's throats again.

Somewhere else on the Continent it was another beautiful day for Jaskier to follow Geralt around. He said follow because he'd once again managed to piss his boyfriend off and sent him stomping off ahead.

"Look, all I said was that you'd look better if you just glowered a little less," Jaskier grumbled. The lute case bounced against his back like it always did when he did a little jog to keep up with Geralt. "You do give the wrong impression sometimes. I swear you do this deliberately, hide the fact you're an absolutely cuddly sweetheart under all those onion-y layers of doom, gloom and...I have nothing that rhymes. Broom? Shroom? Groom? Fume! Because you're fuming!"

Funnily enough, it did nothing to ease Geralt's sulk but Jaskier was undeterred. This was nothing more than a blip in the journey of their love. A bit of bad weather, not even a storm.

They wandered in a manner Jaskier would call aimless while Geralt described as optimal in the hunt for a contract. At least it got them to a town in decent time, the soft summer light enough to get to an inn for food and a performance. Jaskier was ecstatic.

His set was going great, everyone was merry, having a blast as he belted out shanty after drinking song. Ale flowed, as did the coin. The sun was setting and he set his lute aside for a quick break. One moment he was staring out over the tavern and the next the world lurched. He was shorter, on all fours and everything looked and smelled different. Especially the patrons. A variety of animals stared back at him before pandemonium exploded. Most creatures reared back, staring in terror into the corner Geralt had been in, which was quite glaringly empty.

"What has that bastard done to us?" The cry went up and the dogs and foxes in the tavern rallied, ready to hunt Geralt down.

"I did nothing." A familiar voice rang through the room and everyone backed away as a harvest mouse climbed onto the table. Cute and defenceless, Geralt stared out at the tavern from the top of the table, nose twitching.

From his vantage point on the stage, with his long legs, Jaskier could see how the villagers weren't convinced. In fact, they saw an easy target and looked ready to exact revenge on an innocent party. Snarling, he raced to the other side of the room and hopped onto the table, towering over Geralt.

"He's innocent." Sharp teeth were bared fiercely at the crowd. When it didn't look like they would back down, Jaskier did the only thing he could. He picked Geralt up in his mouth and pretended to swallow while the tiny harvest mouse clambered out the side of his mouth and got lost in Jaskier's thick mane.

The villagers didn't look all that appeased but Jaskier didn't allow them to get out of control.

"Tasted like disappointment. Now. Shall we howl at the moon?" For some reason it seemed to do the trick and the shock of being turned into animals turned into a celebration.

In the morning, everyone was back to their regular human form, including Geralt. They had to make a hasty run from the village before the angry mob punished them for their existence.

"Whew! That was exciting. But also, what the fuck happened?"

There were no answers. Each night, as the sun set, they changed into animal form. Jaskier a maned wolf, Geralt a harvest mouse.

"I can't work like this," Geralt growled. "We're getting to the bottom of this."

Only, there seemed to be no help. Everywhere they went, the whole Continent seemed to turn into animals from dusk until dawn. Most villagers were wolves, bears, cats and other animals that could be tamed but the wild, aggressive undertones of predators were still there. A few were goats, cows and sheep, a few bulls. By contrast, courts were full of snakes and birds. Rarer, less straightforward to deal with. In Geralt's opinion, less pleasant to deal with. And no court's sorceress would give him a straight answer. They had to know something, Geralt knew when he was being lied to. But he didn't know what they were hiding.

With no other option, he headed home. Each night he climbed into Jaskier's mane, allowed his boyfriend to keep him safe from owls - some natural, others transformed humans who enjoyed the hunt. At the base of Kaer Morhen, he ran into something most unusual. A hyena gave Jaskier a flat stare from where it was curled in the overgrowth. By its stomach was a capybara and a hare, both looking a bit patchy and weathered. Even more interestingly, there was a cockatoo on the top of its head, eyes closed.

"Friends," Jaskier called, "we come in peace."

Never before had Jaskier felt more threatened than when a capybara and hare looked ready to tear his throat out.

"Eskel. Lambert," Geralt called and climbed to sit on the end of Jaskier's snout. "You made friends."

The hyena got to its feet, looming over the transformed Witchers protectively. "You know these two?"

"Geralt you fuck," the hare growled. "Is this your doing?"

"Would I be here if it was?" Jaskier didn't have to see the harvest mouse's face to know Geralt was rolling his eyes. Still, he tried.

It made the cockatoo screech out a laugh. "Crossed eyes do not become you, weird wolf thing."

Puffing up, Jaskier wanted to object but Geralt cut in. "Leave Jaskier out of this. Who are you travelling with?"

"I'm Aiden," the cockatoo replied, spreading his wings wide and bobbing down in a bird equivalent of a bow. "Cat Witcher by name, cockatoo by nature."

That, Geralt could have guessed, he was much more interested in the hyena who seemed keen to be forgotten. He stared at him until it got awkward.

"Cahir." The name said nothing but there was a broad, southern accent to it. Intrigued, Geralt wished he could take a better look at the man. He would be able to do so in the daylight.

Introductions out of the way, Geralt climbed down, only to scuttle across the gap and climb onto Eskel's back. The capybara grunted sleepily and settled back on the ground.

"Sleep. We've got quite the climb ahead of us tomorrow." At least it was warm, meaning the trek should only take a day without snow impeding them. They'd be home by evening.

They staggered through on four legs the following night. Mostly because Jaskier had insisted on stopping and admiring every angle of every view, sighing wistfully. Finally, they arrived at the door which had been left open a crack, only needing to be nudged open on silent, freshly oiled hinges.

"I was wondering when you'd get home," a voice greeted them. Vesemir did not look impressed as he looked over them. A gopher stared at them with a rather done expression. "Aretuza had a lot to answer for."

#geraskier #eskel/lambert/aiden/cahir #geralt of rivia #jaskier #lambert #eskel #aiden #cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach #vesemir #yennefer of vengerberg #fringilla vigo #animal transformation #tldr: they all turn into animals each night

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wordsablaze · 3 years

Text

5 Times Witchers Were Too Asexual For This

…and the one time Jaskier firmly got it through their lovable and yet ridiculously thick skulls that a little confusion here and there doesn’t change how much he adores them.

A/N: self-indulgently inspired by the sheer amount of times i've mentally gone "aha nope, i am too ace for this" - happy ace week <3

1 - Geralt

Geralt can never comprehend how Jaskier gets into so much trouble.

He’d always thought the worst kind of threats came from mages and their ridiculous games of illusion and power but travelling with Jaskier makes him reconsider because it’s genuinely concerning how many people have death wishes on his behalf.

“Who is it this time?” Geralt asks, folding his arms and promptly cursing at himself for doing so as it proves he can be just as dramatic as the bard he’s trying not to concede to.

Jaskier grins, clearly picking up on the same thing. “It doesn’t matter, my dear witcher, because you already know you’re coming with me!”

“I do not!” Geralt argues, unfolding his arms and glaring.

“Oh come on,” Jaskier scoffs, winking at him, “we both know you’re already trying to figure out how to get out of wearing the clothes I’ve already had made for you.”

Geralt sighs. “Jaskier…”

But said bard has already left the room to return downstairs and as the sound of his lute travels through the inn, Geralt groans to himself.

He’s still groaning to himself when he’s dressed in three different shades of blue but he and Jaskier arrive at the feast the next day. He hadn’t bothered to ask what the occasion was so he just settles in the corner and watches as Jaskier weaves his way between everyone, biting down the part of his heart that yearns to be right by Jaskier’s side.

Hours pass before he’s forced to move, spotting a rather tall stranger crowding Jaskier against a wall and feeling the subtle scent of fear radiating from them.

“-idn’t mean to, I swear! I’m certain you can also appreciate the beauty of-”

“My wife?” the man interrupts, practically spitting anger.

Jaskier laughs nervously as Geralt makes his way over, clearly stalling for time. “You must believe I had absolutely no inkling that she was betrothed and while I’m aware my apologies will not undo our actions, I implore you to perhaps-”

“Jaskier. There you are.” Geralt says, glancing between him and the angry husband.

“And who are you?”

At that, Jaskier bristles. “Were you not listening to my performance? I just sang about-”

“A Witcher. What, did he also sleep with your… uh…?” the man falters, clearly deciding that he’d rather not offend someone who carries around swords.

Geralt and Jaskier share an amused look before Geralt shakes his head. “My bard was cursed with… irresistible urges… by a mage. You can’t blame him for it.”

He’s almost certain Jaskier will grumble about this particular excuse for days - to which he’ll remind him that at least it’s not the one where he was kicked by an ox - but the angry husband seems to buy it, throwing him a pitying look.

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” he says sincerely.

Jaskier clears his throat. “Yes, well, it’s not something that one should sing about publicly, is it? You know how troublesome rumours can be…”

The man nods understandingly before leaving, at which point Jaskier punches his arm. “Geralt, you prat!”

He shrugs, a tiny smirk on his face. “I wasn’t entirely wrong.”

Jaskier seems to consider this before humming, leaning forward to plant a kiss on Geralt’s cheek. “Thank you.”

He doesn’t get a chance to reply before Jaskier has slipped away to continue performing but really, it goes without saying that although Geralt doesn’t understand Jaskier’s actions half the time, there’ll never be a day where he doesn’t want to protect him from the consequences.

2 - Eskel

Eskel can never predict when the scent of watermelon will fill the air.

It’s a strange scent that he thinks should probably please him but for some reason only serves to surprise him every time it radiates from Jaskier at seemingly random moments. To his credit, Jaskier tries his best not to make it too obvious or slip away before it becomes too overwhelming but sometimes it catches both of them by surprise and there’s no avoiding it.

He and Jaskier have been travelling north for a few months when they reach a town that Jaskier seems to recognise, immediately elbowing him. “Eskel! Eskel, darling, this is the town I was telling you about with that absolutely magnificent tailor!”

Eskel hears the question without Jaskier having to ask and smiles. “Yes, we can make a quick detour.”

Jaskier grins, squeezing his hand in thanks as the two of them continue walking. As expected, Jaskier launches into a comprehensive description of every doublet he’s had made by this one specific tailor as they make their way there, Eskel only really half paying attention.

“Jaskier!” someone calls out excitedly.

“Mikhail!” Jaskier calls right back, waiting until Eskel nods in amusement before letting go of his hand and embracing the man who must be the tailor.

Leaning against a wall, Eskel watches as the two of them start discussing the latest fabric patterns and shapes of buttons - he’s not even remotely interested but if Jaskier can learn how to take care of goats for his sake then he can stick around during a discussion about fashion.

And anyway, it’s a rather nice workshop, quiet and calm in comparison to the rest of the town. He doesn’t mind waiting, focusing on the sound of Jaskier’s excited voice as he lets his eyes close, one hand on the hilt of his sword just in case.

It’s only when he hears Jaskier gasp and the cool scent of watermelon fills the room that he opens his eyes again, raising an eyebrow automatically. Jaskier glances over to him immediately, clearly about to explain, but Mikhail whispers something to him and he reddens, biting his lip.

“Really? Buttons?” Eskel asks, equally as confused as he is amused.

Jaskier just shrugs. “I’ll, uh, catch up with you later?”

Part of Eskel wants to know what in Melitele’s name Jaskier finds so appealing about buttons but also, he really doesn’t. He’s learned from experience that sometimes - almost always, actually - not knowing certain things about Jaskier is better for both of them.

“Don’t get in trouble, bardling,” Eskel warns as a way of politely taking his leave.

“Love you too!” Jaskier calls after him, and not that he’ll admit it if asked but Eskel doesn’t stop smiling even after the scent of lust fades away entirely.

3 - Lambert

Lambert can never figure out why Jaskier flirts with almost everyone.

Not that he has anything against Jaksier’s flirting and the way it seems to plant warmth inside his chest but really, it seems pointless to flirt with so many strangers. And yet Jaskier does it the same way he breathes, which is to say he does so without really thinking about it. And every time, Lambert watches as he trades carefully constructed compliments in exchange for food or wine or coin or literally anything else.

“Lambert? What are you frowning about?” Jaskier asks, flopping into the space across from him.

When Jaskier raises an eyebrow, he only frowns harder. “I’m not frowning,” he lies.

Jaskier snorts. “And I’m a witcher.”

“You wouldn’t know what to do with a sword if your life depended in it,” Lambert retorts.

“Depends what kind of sword,” Jaskier replies, stealing a potato from his plate.

He tries to think back to a single time where Jaskier has successfully beaten anyone in a swordfight but when his memory draws a blank, he frowns again. “You’re bloody useless in fights unless we give you daggers.”

He doesn’t realise that Jaskier is trying really hard not to laugh until he does exactly that, almost choking on the potato before shaking his head. “Sorry, sorry, just- gods, you witchers are so adorable.”

“Adorable?” Lambert echoes incredulously, seemingly destined to frown for the entire evening. “Like f-”

“Jaskier!”

“Fabiann! It’s been too long!”

Lambert grumbles under his breath but tunes out their mindless flirting out until Jaskier abruptly stands and coughs pointedly. “Lambert, I’m afraid I might need to leave for a little while.”

What?

Oh.

It doesn’t exactly take a genius to figure out that for some reason, simply talking to someone is apparently far too appealing for Jaskier to handle.

“We leave at dawn,” Lambert reminds him.

Jaskier blows him a kiss before grinning and leaving with Fabiann. Sighing, Lambert turns back to his plate only to find that he doesn’t have any potatoes left. For some reason, that annoys him far more than the bard’s departure.

He ends up turning in early but the other patrons are too loud and he hates every second of each minute that passes. That is, until the door to his room opens and lets in not only the one person who won’t be punched for entering without knocking but also the soft scent of lavender.

“Are you still awake?” Jaskier whispers.

After a moment, he hears Jaskier sigh before the bed gently dips behind him and one of Jaskier’s arms settles on his waist.

“I’m sorry for leaving,” Jaskier murmurs into his skin, shifting even closer.

Only because Lambert can’t stand the subtle guilt in the air - they’ve talked about this but the bard stubbornly refuses to continue feeling bad - does he place his hand over Jaskier’s and feign a yawn. “Shut up, Jaskier.”

“Adorable,” Jaskier replies, kissing the back of his neck before pulling the blanket further onto them both and proving that okay, maybe he can accept that adjective under very specific circumstances.

4 - Vesemir

Vesemir can never understand why Jaskier loves Kaer Morhen so much.

He loves the place more than anything himself, of course he does, but there’s always a lingering bitterness in each room, a lingering reminder that the walls had once been witness to pain and sorrow and heartbreak.

Jaskier doesn’t see any of it.

Instead, he fills any room he walks into with music and smiles and displays of affection that Vesemir hasn’t seen witchers indulge in for decades. It takes a few visits but soon enough, he’s on the receiving end of those displays as well and it's just as beautiful as it is surprising.

He finds himself loving the keep more when everyone smells of happiness and training sessions are filled with laughter instead of grumpy insults but those are aspects of life that he’s almost certain only a witcher can appreciate and as far as he knows, which is pretty far thank you very much, Jaskier is not a witcher.

“Who stole my salts?” said bard yells, jolting him out of his musings, “I know you can all hear me! Give me back my salts, you handsome thieves!”

Vesemir chuckles to himself as he hears the telltale sound of Jaskier running through the halls, no doubt going to fail in locating his bath salts because he’s almost sure he smelt them in the springs yesterday. He goes back to reading, ignoring the general noise of Jaskier hunting the others down in the name of bathing justice until the bard bursts into the library, flushed and breathless.

He looks almost guilty as he spots Vesemir. “Apologies, Vesemir, I didn’t mean to intrude. I was merely- well, you most likely heard everything, right?”

When he nods, Jaskier glances around again, a small grin blooming on his face. “Does that window overlook any training grounds perchance?”

Vesemir sighs. “No, you cannot attempt to throw something at them from the window.”

Jaskier has the audacity to pout but judges his tone well enough, making his way over to the window anyway. It’s only when the unmistakable scent of arousal appears that Vesemir somewhat regrets his decision; he looks over to Jaskier, who seems torn between wanting to flee out of embarrassment and wanting to continue staring out of the window for the rest of the day.

“I- I don’t really have an explanation for this but uh, witchers?” Jaskier manages, gesturing outside to where Vesemir knows the other three are probably mid-brawl.

“All I wanted was to read in peace, Jaskier.” Vesemir pinches the bridge of his nose, closing the book.

Nodding quickly, Jaskier places a hand over his chest. “I swear I won’t even think of entering the library for… for a whole week! Yeah, I can do that, I’ll make sure to stay as far as possible for as long as you like but just um, could you maybe not hold this against me, please?”

Vesemir wants to explain that he couldn’t possibly hold Jaskier loving his boys against him but he’s pretty sure Jaskier knows that and is just nervously rambling so he walks over and gently claps the bard on the back of his head. “As long as you’re not stupid enough to jump into a fight just because you’re attracted to it.”

“No promises,” Jaskier replies, winking.

5 - Kaer Morhen

Kaer Morhen can never shut its doors to Jaskier.

And really, none of the resident witchers would want to do anything of the sort since they love bringing their bard home for the winter and they love having a non-witcher around because he brings comfort with him. Unfortunately, he also sometimes brings about immense exasperation.

Nobody’s complaining, of course, because they’d rather die than disrespect one of the few people so openly welcome at the keep, but that doesn’t stop them from sometimes needing to walk out of the room to avoid punching something or someone.

Naturally, a bunch of wolf witchers walking out of the room wherever Jaskier confuses them is utterly hilarious to anyone else who visit.

Especially Aiden.

He and Jaskier get on remarkably well, much to Lambert’s relief, and it only ever takes a few days for the rest of them to get used to the scent of Cat once again. They never get used to the way the two of them interact though, trading words at rather worryingly high speeds. It’s usually not a bother until Aiden starts showing off his swordsmanship.

“Wait, you’ve never done that last one before!” Jaskier exclaims, closing his journal as he leans forward, his eyes wide.

Aiden grins. “Glad you noticed, I learnt it last season.”

Lambert throws an apple at him, scoffing. Aiden simply catches it, taking a bite before throwing it to Jaskier, who may or may not loudly yelp as he receives it.

“Show off,” Lambert grumbles, folding his arms.

Taking a moment to bow, Aiden turns back to Jaskier. “Want to see the rest of my sword tricks?”

Jaskier chokes on the bite he’d taken of the apple but nods even as he coughs, ignoring the concerned looks he gets from the wolves. He gets about halfway into the apple before Aiden’s movements are just a little too smooth and intricate for his heart to handle. Well, not just his heart.

“For gods’ sake, Jaskier,” Geralt mutters, swiftly standing up and making his way out of the room.

“I’m not to blame here!” Jaskier calls, trying his best not to think about everything he’s practically being baited into thinking about.

Eskel is the next to sigh. “You think too loudly sometimes.”

Aiden watches in utter bewilderment as both he and Lambert make their exit too, the two of them grumbling about wanting to eat in peace. He turns to Jaskier with one eyebrow raised.

“They’re not fond of when I smell like sex to them,” Jaskier explains sheepishly, “and I’m pretty sure it’s a wolf thing.”

There’s a slight pause before Aiden nods slowly. “That explains a lot actually. Why didn’t I pick up on that while travelling with Lam?”

Jaskier’s not sure if that’s meant to be a rhetorical question or not so he takes a chance. “I’d be surprised if you did, they feel bad about it so they act as if they’re allergic to discussing it.”

Then something seems to occur to Aiden and his eyes widen comically. “Wait, all the wolves?”

Catching on immediately, Jaskier goes red. “I’ll have you know, Vesemir was somehow the easiest to communicate with about all this.”

“You’re crazy,” Aiden laughs, bounding over and taking the apple back despite Jaskier’s half-hearted protests even as he decides to respect the bard just a little bit more.

Jaskier can never guess when he’s going to have a crisis.

He wishes he had some witcher-like ability to detect trouble before it arrives but alas, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the power to stop himself panicking and he doesn't have the power to prepare for every possibility and he doesn’t even have his witchers and by the gods does he yearn for their presence.

But he’s not selfish, he isn’t going to ask them to accompany him to bardic competitions because a city full of bards being bards is most definitely too overwhelming for them. He’s sure they’re more than happy killing drowners and bruxae and wraiths and who knows what else wherever they are but he’s certainly not happy.

Although that’s a lie, of course he is.

He loves being around his fellow bards - some more than others, of course - and he loves that they can effortlessly switch between discussing chords, sharing the latest court scandals, and making fun of one another’s love lives. What he doesn’t love, however, is being alone at the end of every day.

“I hate this room,” he mutters to himself as he flops onto the bed.

“No you don’t,” Geralt says quietly.

Jaskier is loath to admit that he jumps so badly he literally falls off the bed.

“There’s that grace and dignity we all love,” Eskel teases.

“What the he--eyy!” Jaskier manages as Lambert all but tackles him, sending them both back to the floor he’d just picked himself up from. Neither of them move to get up though.

“There is a perfectly adequate bed right beside us, if you would kindly give me a moment to recover from your pleasant but wholly unexpected arrival!”

He hears Geralt and Eskel laugh and the next thing he knows, he’s sandwiched between three witchers on the bed that’s mercifully large enough to accommodate all four of them. He’s almost entirely certain Priscilla had something to do with that upgrade and makes a mental note to thank her later.

“You smell sad,” Geralt says eventually, frowning.

Jaskier sighs. “I’m not sad, my dear, I’m just worried that three of you won’t enjoy your stay here, what with all the… bardic watermelon.”

Eskel’s arm around his waist tightens. “We don’t mind if you don’t mind.”

Jaskier’s face scrunches up as he tries to make sense of that and Lambert, who’s curled up in front of him, snorts. “You’re gonna give yourself wrinkles.”

“Take that back, I am not!” Jaskier argues, pouting. Before he can be totally distracted, he manages to turn his entire body around so he’s now facing Eskel and Geralt. “Are you going to explain what I’m meant to be minding?”

Surprisingly, Geralt finds his words first. “Just that… that we can’t always help you. We can’t be what you need or what you want and-”

“I am going to stop you right there before I end up punching you,” Jaskier interrupts, his voice a strange mix of cold and loving.

“It wouldn’t hurt,” Lambert supplies reassuringly, now from behind him.

Jaskier groans, butting his head against Eskel’s in frustration. Not even particularly hard but Eskel looks so confused that Jaskier ends up wiggling out of their cuddle pile and glaring at three of them when they sheepishly sit up.

“Did the lot of you trade all your marbles to get here?” he asks, folding his arms.

Lambert opens his mouth to reply but Eskel clamps a hand over it, correctly assuming that they’re not meant to answer that.

“I won’t lie and tell you I’ll only say this once because I will gladly repeat it whenever any of you act like you’ve forgotten but, my loves, I do not care. I do not care if you don’t enjoy all the same things I do and I do not care if your desires are different to mine. The only thing - and you must believe me for I would never ever lie about this - that I truly care about is you. All three of you.”

“But we don’t always know how to take care of you,” Geralt whispers, his voice filled with enough emotion to rival half of Jaskier’s ballads.

“Don’t you?” Jaskier asks, tilting his head to the left. “Tell me this, Geralt: why are you here?”

“You don’t like being alone after important performances,” Geralt replies without missing a beat.

Jaskier grins at him before turning to Eskel. “And you?”

“You deserve to have our support,” Eskel says softly, as if it were a common truth.

Lambert shrugs when Jaskier turns to him. “Why would I let you get drunk alone?”

Waiting until they’re done being amused, Jaskier glances between the three of them. “Don’t you see? You already know exactly how and when to take care of me. I can manage what little you can’t and I am more than happy with that because I am more than happy with you. Each of you. Just as you are. Do you understand?”

“If we say yes, will you stop being so bloody dramatic?” Lambert asks, definitely not swallowing an obvious lump in his throat, definitely not.

“We understand,” Eskel adds before Jaskier can reply, a soft smile on his face.

The four of them settle into their cuddle pile once again, Geralt reaching over Eskel and placing his hand on Jaskier’s waist as he whispers, “Thank you.”

Jaskier wants to laugh because he honestly can't see how his gorgeous, kind-hearted witchers continue to think they're not the most perfect bunch of people on the continent despite the flaws they actually have and the ones they only think they have, and he has no idea why they can't see that if they're lucky to have one of him loving them, he's thrice as lucky to have three of them loving him.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Jaskier whispers back.

credit to that one post i can’t find atm about what lust smells like to witchers as well as @cloudspeck for giving me names for minor characters !! also, sorry for the canon divergence / ooc vibes but i just wanted some fluffy ace validation, yaknow?

thanks for reading! masterlist | witcher blog: @itsjaskier

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geraskierficrecs · 4 years

Note

Do you have any really happy recs? My favourite piglet from the litter I’ve been hand raising died this morning so I could use cheering up? Thanks

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear that! :(( My family used to raise goats and it was always heartbreaking to lose one of the hand raised babies. Here’s some tooth-rotting fluff for you!

your very best friend, in the whole wide world by sargarepa

Geralt of Rivia has spent a strange amount of time feverishly obsessing over the way Jaskier can just casually touch him, like it's nothing, like he's not an aberration capable of breaking Jaskier in half with a sneeze. Jaskier saw Geralt slice through monsters like pudding, covered in guts and grime and his own sweat and blood, but there he was, leaning against him and tuning his lute.

Geralt doesn't know how to classify the feeling gripping him every time it happens, but he knows he doesn't want it to stop.

you shine (like a diamond) by marvelousmaize

Yennefer’s violet eyes are shrewd and narrowed because even in the dim candlelight, she sees it clear as day.

Jaskier is glowing.

Or: a Stardust AU with star!Jaskier and an intrigued Geralt intent on figuring exactly what makes the bard shine.

tiny happy things (like the pieces of my heart) by splendidlyimperfect

Geralt brings home a kitten because he knows Jaskier will take care of it.

And finally, one of my favorites that made me laugh, croon, and blush from all the adorable moments (seriously, it’s so good I’m jealous my writing will never be this delightful):

when midnights break their sleep by SummerFrost

The first Snapchat that anyone ever sends Geralt is a picture of his own irritated face.

shrike_princess: can u believe this dumbass finally got a snapchat bc a cute boy asked him nicely

"It wasn't even that nicely," Geralt says flatly.

AKA: The one where Geralt is a bartender and Jaskier sings karaoke.

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vagrantblvrd · 3 years

Text

Okay, so I can’t stop thinking about the AU where Jaskier somehow ends up working in a Geek Squad-esque department and has to deal with these witchers who bring in mangled/otherwise destroyed phones and the whatnot AU?

Like, the witchers aren’t completely technologically impaired right because the thing about living through who knows how many innovations and whatnot over the years but they really don’t make stuff the way they used to.

(Jaskier maybe sit through a semi-rant on the subject a time or two while processing whatnot for the witchers who have brought him yet another mangled bit of tech orth a fair bit of money and did he know they used to make them of sturdier stuff???)

Anyway.

Geralt is Geralt, all hm’s and hm’s and usually :( although there have been moments of >:( and an especially rare :| which is the closest to the teeny tiny smile Jaskier gets on a good day or when he says something that amuses Geralt enough to visibly show it. (An actual :) is something to be treasured for days afterward and gets Jaskier gentle ribbing from his co-workers because his relationship with the witchers and Geralt in particular is high entertainment for them, but yes.)

Lambert is a delightful asshole who came in all >:(((((((((( after Geralt mentioned there was a new face in the Geek Squad-esque group, one who got him a new phone in spite of the most recently mangled one being out of warranty and suchlike. Didn’t even ask why it smelled of swamp water and may or may not have had bits of swamp...gunk in its insides and anyway.

Jaskier clearly made an impression on Geralt and he’s like but why, though, and comes in intending to be That Customer - and indeed is through the entire ordeal.

Makes Jaskier go over the fine print in the warranty and whatnot when he brings in some horribly mangled bit of shiny tech - a tablet or some such that clearly cannot be saved and is just barely under warranty. A day later and he’d be out of luck, right?

And while it’s covered by the warranty it’s also just old enough the store doesn’t carry it anymore - been discontinued or whatever - which should be fine, right? Jaskier can set Lambert up with the newest model or other equivalent and everything should be fine, but no, no.

Lambert gets this glint in his eye and is like, oh, I’m not going to make things that easy for you, buddy, and goes off on this...whatever about how he liked the version he had - doesn’t want or need the added features on the new one even though they actually are pretty nice, just because he can.

And of course he came in on one of the days Jaskier’s usual supervisor is off and the one who’s had it out for Jaskier since day one is working. Positive Jaskier has done nothing to deserve being moved from overnight stocker to Geek Squad-esque team member and looking for the smallest reason to get him fired. (Or at least kicked back to overnight stocker and then fired for some other reason no one can call them on.)

This supervisor who is hovering, just waiting for Jaskier’s Retail Voice and whatnot to slip so they can pounce and Lambert might not know the details about it all, but it’s pretty damn obvious the supervisor doesn’t like Jaskier.

So he’s like, “Okay, but...” whenever Jaskier brings up a new avenue of convincing the asshole to just say he’ll take the new tablet and gtfo already, pls you asshole, pleasant smile on his face and gritting his teeth the whole time.

Just as the supervisor has had enough of watching Jaskier dealing with this stubborn customer and clearly failing to meet their needs, Lambert is like “Well, I really did like my old tablet, but I suppose this one you’ve been trying to sell me on for nearly half an hour will be adequate, probably,” like Jaskier’s got him at gunpoint or something.

Jaskier is like oh, excellent, sir, what a wonderful choice sir, you are totally my favorite customer sir!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD while also being like >:(((((((((((((((((( to Lamert’s clear amusement and whatnot.

After the deal is done and the bastard’s on his way out, Jaskier is like !!! when he sees Lambert stop in front of the assole!supervisor sure he’s going to complain about Jaskier. To his surprise though, Lambert’s just, all “Oh, he was so helpful! Answered all my questions!” and so on and both Jaskier and the asshole!supervisor are taken aback because that was not what they were expecting?

And then Lambert’s like “I only want to deal with him when I come in here,” to which Jaskier is ah, okay because he gets Lambert’s game now, and the supervisor is just okay, well, I have no control over that unless you come in on days he’s working, but you can bet I’mm make sure it happens if you do, haha.

Which more or less seals Jaskier’s fate on that angle, and absolutely what Lambert intended, and anyway, asshole.

Later on, after they’ve had enough such encounters that Lambert isn’t suspicious of this oddly helpful person at the store where they buy most of their consumer electronics he’s like, >:DDDDDDDDDDDDDD when he comes in nd Jaskier’s like >:(((((((((((((((((((( if you really wanted to help me out here with the asshole!supervisor you’d buy an extended warranty or whatever and Lambert rolls his eyes and scoffs because those are scams and he’s not an idiot, and anyway, he knows Jaskier doesn’ really want to shank him out back behind the store with a rusty knife the way he threatened one time because Lambert is a delight, okay, an utter delight.

Jaskier side-eyes him so hard for that and is like, oh????? So then Lambert won’t mind meeting him out back on his break? Asking for a friend, you know, no other reason. Strangely, Lambert does not.

(Mostly because of that time Geralt fondly told the others about Jaskier shanking a monster out back by the store’s loading dock when Geralt was a little bit bleeding out and in a bad spot and anyway, yeah, no, thanks, Lambert wasn’t born yesterday okay.)

But you know who is an actual delight that Jaskier loves to see come into the store?

Aside from Geralt???

Eskel.

The man is sweet and polite and holds actual conversations (not a slight against Geralt by any means, it’s just. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone at work who isn’t a coworker or a horrible customer and so on) and otherwise doesn’t give Jaskier headaches.

(Though there was the one night after closing and rare time when the store would be clsoed the next day for a holiday or whatever so no night crew coming in. Jaskier was trying to get his car to start when Eskel showed up all bloody and half-dead and Jaskier was closest. Also his phone was broken and no way to contact Geralt or anyone else and how was Jaskier at first aid, asking for a friend and all.)

Anyway.

Jaskier’s favorite encounter with Eskel at work is when he calls Jaskier asking if he can help with a tech issue. Mangled laptop and files he wants to get off the harddrive you know, but ~sensitive file that have to do with the witchers and their work.

They all pretend Jaskier knows absolutely nothing about any of it, even though he’s patched all of them up at some point or they’ve saved his life from some monster or other and there really shouldn’t be any pretense about it all?

AND YET.

It’s one of those days where work is slow and the other Geek Squad-esque people are out on house calls and won’t be back for a few hours or called out sick or whatever.

And this, okay, this is something Jaskier convinced one of them to teach him or he taught himself through Google and YouTube and anyway, he can do the file transfer magic stuff for Eskel, no problem.

Tells him as such and to come by before anyone gets back from the calls so he can handle it himself without anyone looking on and all, so he does, right?

Jaskier lets Eskel in the back room with him while he works, and they have a nice little chat and catch up on what’s new in their lives and all that.

Jaskier is like oh, ew, gross because some of the files he salvages for Eskel are photo documentations of past hunts - for science!!1! - but also ooh, what was that hunt like???

(Accidentally clicks on some or some other reason for him seeing what the files are or just file names and anyway, shhhh, let me have this.)

Because curiosity and also songs and Geralt enjoys being difficult on purpose and Jaskier’s never sure how much Lambert tells him is complete bullshit, and anyway. Eskel’s the nice one. Usually.

Also, though, also.

There are so many photos of Geralt and Lambert, Vesemir and Ciri and certain sorceresses and suchlike, and it’s adorable and sweet and wholly expected?

BUT.

To Jaskier’s forever joy and delight there are at least two entire album’s worth of freaking goat pictures.

(Well, okay, goat and horse and whatever other animals these withcers have in their lives and so on.)

It’s adorable as hell and Jaskier makes these little squeaky noises of pure awww at the sight of them, okay, because Lil Bleater and whatever little terrors Eskel has known and clearly adores.

He’s like staring straight ahead and all everything’s fine and normal and whatnot while Jaskier is like omg and she’s so cute and omg Eskel, omg.)

Withcers may not be able to blush or whatever, but you can sure as hell bet he would have been blushing up a damned storm if he could and Jaskier also knows that and is just.

Charmed, okay, he is utterly charmed by this big soft dork and swears he won’t tell anyone even though the people who matter obviously know as well, and anyway, anyway, he gets this soft little smile for it and his heart is like oh, oh no, because Jaskier’s kind of gone on these idiot witchers okay.

(After the discovery of the goat pictures Eskel starts sending new ones to Jaskier who always gets that look people get when presented with adorable pictures of animals and this warm squishy feeling because oh, oh no, indeed and anyway, yes, because idk what pairings/ships i even want this to be anymore but just soft feelings all over the place even with Lambert, the bastard. XD)

#witcher nonsense #technically not a fic #vagrant fic #jaskier's adventures in retail au #long post #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#the witcher #pairings? ships? idk anymore friends pick your own i guess???#geralt x jaskier #eskel x jaskier #mayyybe lambert x jaskier #all of the above???#idk anymore #all jaskier knows is everyone thinks he's the wither whisperer #and he's like lolol omg no #they're all assholes #of varying degrees on different days #eskel's the least assholish one #usually #and lambert's an asshole all day every day #but yeah no #he's fully lost control of his life #and they're to blame for it #he has no idea what to expect when vesesmir comes in #but all he does is take one look at this poor bastard who has to deal with his idiot kids #and is like #would you like to know how to keep them from running roughshod over you?#to which jaskier is like dear god yes #so jaskier has running appointment for brunch with vesemir and other assorted asshole wranglers every weekend #it's lovely

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jaskiersvalley · 4 years

Note

I ADORE THAT ESKEL AND LIL BLEATER IN THE SHELTER FIC OH MY F U C K.

And I adore you for your messages and asks! You’re an absolute gem and I love seeing you crop up in my notes and all the other places. Plus, now I can’t get a silly idea out of my head thanks to a couple of goat videos. So...here’s some more goat shenanigans for you!

It was the shelter’s policy to check up on all adoptions. The whole goat incident hadn’t been standard by any means and technically it wasn’t even an adoption so Jaskier wasn’t exactly planning on making a follow-up, especially not to Geralt’s brothers. However, he was surprised to get a phone call, inviting him (and Geralt) to dinner. It was a mixture of checking that Lil Bleater had a good home as well as the official ‘meeting the family’ because he and Geralt had been together for a while. To say it was nerve-wracking was a bit of an understatement.

Thankfully, Geralt offered to drive them so Jaskier didn’t have to worry about getting there before his boyfriend of anything like that. The house looked quite lovely from the outside, set back from the road with some trees dotted around. A tall fence surrounded it and Jaskier wondered whether it was to keep something in or the curious gaze out. With Geralt, they walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. Given how Geralt rocked back on his heels, hands jammed into his pockets, he was used to waiting. From inside, there was a muffled yell of “they’re here” and, soon after, Eskel was pulling the door open and ushering them in.

“Keep your shoes on,” he said as Jaskier made to undo his shoelaces. “Your toes will be safer.”

Mystified, Jaskier straightened up and followed as Eskel and Geralt headed deeper into the house. The first thing that struck him was how the flooring throughout was either laminate or tiles - definitely an unusual choice. They arrived at a closed door and, strangely, Eskel knocked with a call of “is it safe?” before opening it.

They stepped into a kitchen where Cahir was stirring a pot on the hob while Lambert was rummaging in the fridge. Both of them were wearing shoes.

“Welcome,” Lambert waved and pulled a jug of what looked like milk out and Jaskier couldn’t help but feel like he had walked into the middle of some domestic madness.

A yell of “inbound” from Eskel was the only warning and there was the sound of little hooves on tile. Turning, Jaskier watched as two tiny goats thundered into the kitchen, bucking and jumping as they played. It was endearing but neither of them were Lil Bleater from what Jaskier could remember. Mesmerised, he watched the two play, heedless of their surroundings. The table leg was bumped into, Geralt’s toes trod on as they raced past, only to collide into the back of Lambert’s knee and almost took him out.

“Where’s Bleats?” Eskel asked, looking round. “She’s not in the garden.”

Without saying anything, Cahir stepped away from the hob and gestured to it. Eskel called again and Jaskier watched, almost speechless as, from the small gap under the stove, came a soft bleat, followed by a goat’s head squeezing out. Lil Bleater emerged and gave herself a solid shake before trotting up to Eskel who scooped her up with practised ease.

“I’m fairly certain I only had one goat. And Geralt didn’t mention you already had some.” Jaskier scratched his head and watched as Lambert put three feeding bottles into a pan of warm water.

“You did,” Eskel replied but his eyes were firmly on Lil Bleater. “But Bleats needed friends. And, it turns out that Lamb and Cahir had already made arrangements for the terrible two as a surprise before Geralt called about Bleats.”

Looking around, Jaskier had to admit, he couldn’t think of a better place the goat could have ended up. Especially when Lambert fished the bottles out of the pan, dried them off and passed one to Eskel and one to Cahir.

“You spoil that goat already,” Geralt muttered as he watched Eskel bottle feed Lil Bleater.

“She’s only a little older than the other two. And she got jealous.”

Jaskier watched and admired the domesticity of the scene. Three large guys, each bottle feeding a goat like it was the most natural thing on earth. To them, it probably was.

“I don’t suppose you ever want to foster kittens or puppies that need to be bottle fed?” he asked, thinking of the spring when unwanted litters were dumped on the shelter.

The growl of “no” from Lambert was lost under Eskel’s thoughtful hum and Cahir’s “yes” as his head whipped up to look hopefully at Jaskier. It was Geralt’s laughter that was the loudest though.

“You give them any babies, you’re not getting them back,” Geralt warned. “Don’t let looks fool you. These three will fall in love and will cry when you try and take their babies away.”

In other words, they would absolutely fail at fostering because they would adopt every animal, Jaskier was familiar with the type. But Geralt was right, looks would be very deceiving because he would never have guessed any of the three would be like that.

As the bottles emptied, the goats were put down on the ground and Eskel shooed them out towards the garden. Curious, Jaskier followed.

“If you do need foster families for young ones, feel free to give us a shout,” Eskel said as they stepped into the garden. It was big, had tyres, ramps and hay bales strewn through it, along with a large area that seemed to house some grumpy chicken. “We’ve got the space and the time between the three of us to keep them socialised and fed. Just be prepared that if you give us a very poorly or needy one, or if it’s a litter, Cahir will definitely sweet talk us into not giving the runt back.”

The fond resignation in Eskel’s voice had Jaskier smiling. It only grew when the other three bundled out into the garden, carrying dishes and cutlery, settling them on the table by the open backdoor.

Getting to know Geralt’s brothers was most definitely a brilliant idea, Jaskier decided. Especially when one or the other of them was always getting up and running after the goats as they got into more and more creative messes. Looking around, there was just one question Jaskier had.

“This is a lovely set up you have for them but where do they sleep?”

Geralt hid his laughter into his drink but it fooled nobody. Lambert muttered something under his breath but Jaskier didn’t quite catch it while Cahir seemed terribly interested in his plate, hair not hiding his grin in the slightest.

“I said they sleep in the bed,” Lambert barked, cheeks bright red as Geralt kicked him under the table. It had Jaskier laughing until Geralt looked at him with dark eyes.

“I win,” he said simply and Jaskier nodded. This was a bet he was all too happy to lose.

#geraskier #eskel/lambert/cahir #geralt of rivia #jaskier #eskel #lambert #cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach #animal shelter au #tldr: jaskier checks up on lil bleater's new home

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