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queers-gambit · 4 months

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The Battle Above the God’s Eye

part one: Sands of Time

prompt: decades after the Stepstones, it's his turn to be rescued.

pairing: Daemon Targaryen x female!reader

fandom masterlist: House of the Dragon

word count: 6.3k+

note: i'm not the happiest with this piece, so i'll most definitely (probably) write an alternative when the time comes and the show does the Battle. y'all know me by now, you know i love me a good ol' reader-insert and i didn't want to wait years to publish some kind of sequel so here we are.

warnings: reader isn't explicitly a Targaryen but we had to make this work and i'm burnt the fuck out. so fuck it, dragon rider reader. cursing, books spoilers, violence, imagination required, maybe Red Priestess reader, mention of more Little Birds (let author live), toxic family (duh), heavily encouraged imagination, depictions of death, angst, some hurt and comfort i think ? missing warnings 'cause wonky brain goin' wonky.

"There's rumor, Mistress, of a dragon the color of night," the hooded figure informed. "It nests in the Ruins of Ancient Valyria, seen by farmers and countryfolk; they say his wings beat like thunder. It's a colossal shadow they fear to engage, but after hearing your ransom, they reported it."

You hummed as you took a sip of scalding tea, finding comfort in the heat, musing, "I've been to the Ruins myself on two seperate excursions, I promise you, friend, there is no dragon that nests there."

"It's come from the East, a new beast in the sky."

"I require proof if I am to pay the ransom."

The man with a hood over his head reached for his rucksack and rummaged, a moment later, placing two items on the polished mahogany table between you both. One was unmistakably a dragon's tooth, and when you examined it, there was still clotted blood on the root - assuring it was a fresh pull. The second was a large black scale that weighed at least a dagger's worth.

You smirked, "This is promising. Where in the Ruins has it been seen? Who procured these artifacts?"

You discussed specifics with the man for an hour, offering him a hefty finder's fee after getting the name of the village the man had gathered his own information from. It was a messy journey from there; leaving the home you had made in the decades since the Stepstones to head for what was probably another dead end in Ancient Valyria. You were something akin to a magistrate, the people saw you as a figurehead, a leader; their person of authority who they were all too happy to follow.

Your village flourished, growing in size, number, popularity, and strength by the passing day. The people seemed happy, wealth flowing from exports and trade, and apparently, a few cartographers have begun the process of updating a few maps to add your village's name to history.

Much had changed in your time away from your Rogue Dragon Prince, but you knew that was all coming to an end soon. Your Lord of Light had shown you much in your flames, one of which was a repeating image of you, mounted atop a dragon all your own, soaring over the Narrow Sea with distinct purpose. You weren't a Targaryen, but your religious devotion seemingly gave you the ability to walk amongst beasts and their flames.

Exploring Ancient Valyria took over a year on foot.

You had plenty of encounters with the Stone Men, but all met their merciful demise - those left after that steered clear of you and your Valyrian Steel sword. Around the ruins of the ancient volcano that hadn't erupted since The Doom, you found a graveyard of goat, sheep, and cattle bones. There were bigger skeletons of aquatic creatures, something you found incredibly fascinating - what fully grown dragon went deep diving?

Soon, you found scat. For those who don't spend time in the wilderness or who are simply unfamiliar with the term, "scat" refers to waste produced by wild animals. Yeah, you're reading correctly, after you found the plethora of skeletons, you found dragon shit.

So, you knew you were closer than before. But the fucker still alluded you to the point you felt insane circling the Ruins.

You located about three different potential caverns, investigating them all with caution, but finding them all empty. Feeling exhausted from the months of searching, you claimed one of the caves as your own; hunting for a meal after gathering adequate fire wood. You listened to the untamed wilds of Valyria as you ate whatever you roasted, trying to distinguish familiar sounds of an approaching dragon.

Or perhaps even a distant one!

You'd take any sign!

It'd been weeks since you found the dragon droppings, no other signs appearing. You would search new areas for days, then return to your cave for rest; feeling disconnected from reality the longer you lingered in the ruined empire. You wondering what your village was doing, you were curious if the young woman, Ferona, had a baby boy or girl, if they had erected the new buildings you left blueprints for in an effort to create opportunist housing and houses of worship - as your people had requested.

How did the krill and shrimp season fair? What weddings happened this past spring? How was the irrigation system holding up?

Weeks drug by slowly. Weeks turned to longer months. Two years, you spent in that Gods forsaken ruin of a city - but couldn't find it in you to abandon your search.

Your Lord of Light had yet to send word, yet set your heart ablaze every time you "decided" to go home. You stared into the flames every night, desperate for any indication you were on the right path, but nothing was seen - nothing was said - nothing was shown to you. Until one night, during a torrential downpour and thunderous storm, you were shivering, drenched to your core, fighting the wind to let you keep your flames alive.

And there, in the dying, flickering warmth, you saw it. With wide, unblinking eyes, you stared into the flames harder; unsure how long you remained in the tranquil state before a particularly strong gust of wind nearly pushed you face-first into the embers. You gasped, looking around as the smoke nearly choked you as it filled the cave; stumbling out into the rain as you coughed and patted your chest. Stumbling slightly from malnourishment and delirium, you leaned on the outer shell of your "home", panting with relief before there came a screech so fearsome, you were then cowering into the wall with fear.

You dropped to your knees, huddled into the rock formation; the ground trembling as something enormous touched down. You gasped when through the haze of sideways rain, two nostrils flared and heaved thick plumes of smoke; reddened from the ignited flames deep within an invisible chest. You flattened against the wall, four taloned paws striking the ground and causing it to crack, quake, and tremble. With the fleeting clouds, you used the moon's light to distinguish the beast that loomed closer to you; over you; and then, in your face.

A long, blackened snout nearly pressed into your chest; fabric of your tunic caught in the razor sharp teeth. You had faced death, you had faced beasts, you had faced hacking axes and swinging swords. You had faced the wrath of the Queen Alysanne's court, the rumors of the common folk, and judgment from both man and God. But nothing was like this moment: a wild dragon staring you down, sniffing your chest and stomach, debating if it should just open it's mouth and eat you whole yet or not.

Thankfully, it chose an alternative route.

You're not fully sure how it happened, but you dedicated two years to finding this terrible beasty, and yet, it only took about 6 weeks to bond with the (obviously) young thing. Time with your Dragon Prince proved most useful, creating a bond so secure, you were beginning to wonder if someone deep in your bloodline had mated with a Targaryen. It was natural, the way you both became accustomed to one another; living together on a carbon-dated land long doomed.

The lessons from Daemon came flying back to you. You practiced your High Valyrian, laughing when you obviously got a word or two wrong because the dragon would snort at you. In the light, she was still the color of the night, but her scales were dusted the same gold as her eyes. She was impressive, she was huge in size but nowhere near Vhagar. In fact, you'd wager she had outgrew Caraxes - the only dragon you had true experience with.

Speaking of Caraxes, you were on the shores of Old Valyria, debating how you were going to convince your new companion to join you back "home" in the village, when suddenly, your beast gave a defensive growl.

Looking to the skyline, you spotted the distant dragon and frowned. This dragon wasn't the color of flames like Caraxes was, no, instead, it was a murky blob in the sky with two wings. You offered calming words to your dragon in her native language, not sensing danger, but your beast was unhappy leaving you in the open. Her tail curled around you to corral you back into her body as the muddy brown dragon landed with a thunderous shake a respectable distance away.

Your name was begged by the rider descending from who you recognized as a wild dragon by the name of Sheepstealer.

"Nettles? That you, love?" You asked in skepticism, managing out of your dragon's grasp. "What're you doing here? You all right?"

"I needed to find you," she panted. "I-I need you help - it's all - it's all gone wrong! Please!"

"What's wrong? The fuck's happened?"

"Do you know nothing, Auntie!? Do you know nothing of the war!?"

Your eyes rolled, "Watch that tone with me, girl. The Dance of Dragons is of no concern of mine, it had barely started when I came here."

"Well - it's your concern now," she insisted. "You took me under your wing - you helped raise me in a village you built from the ground, despite not ever needing to - "

"Your mother was a dear friend of mine," you cut her off sharply. "She was kind to me when I came back to Essos, let me stay with her and your father. When I set out on my own, she was always a friendly face, and when my settlement was established..."

"She came to you for help after getting pregnant with me," Nettles nodded. "You've told me this before."

"Then you should know better by now that I owed your mother more than my life, so, raising you was the least I could've done. A life for a life."

"And as such, you let me go into the world with stories filling my head of a handsome Dragon Prince that saved you from the Crabfeeder!" You scoffed at her words, ready to argue, but she rushed, "He's in trouble, Auntie."

You paused, finding no lie in the girl's eye. Slowly, you asked, "Come again?"

"I found him, Mistress," she nodded. "After I got back to Westeros, I found your Prince Daemon - the ones from the stories! He's... He's brutish and harsh, they call him Rogue, but he was kind to me when I told him I knew you. When he heard your name, Lady, he just - he insisted on keeping me close. He protected me, even against his wife - Princess Rhaenyra."

Your head cocked, "Hmm... He usually did have a taste for younger flesh. I'm not surprised he took to you - "

"No, no, no, Mistress, not like that," she insisted desperately. "He was kind, educational - similar to a mentor."

"I see."

"He needs your help."

"Prince Daemon does not need rescuing, he is no damsel."

"He searches for Prince Aemond," she informed, making you lift your chin slightly. Though lost in the wild of Valyria the past two years, you were still well versed in the affairs of King's Landing; staying updated, curtesy of your Lord, the Lord of Light: R'hllor. In your village, you were known to pay for any accurate information - eventually hiring your own spies to relay trustworthy information from around surrounding cities and villages. Nettles was one of your Little Birds.

You sighed, "And? What of it - Aemond killed Lucerys, did he not? Since he married his niece, her children are now his step-children, right? Daemon is within his rights to want some form of vengeance - it's war, Nettie, it's never fair to anybody.

"He will not survive this, you don't understand! It's horrible, Mistress, please, he-he-he's deranged. Mad with grief, lost to his wife's useless fucking war. It'll be the death of him, Auntie, please!" She paused, seeing you just stare back at her; so she begged again, "Please!"

You nodded, "What do you want me to do, Nettie? Hmm?"

"You've told me those stories! I remember them well! You always said he came back for you, saved you from The Crabfeeder," she reminded, making you stiffen. "Does he not deserve the same? Or at least a chance? Rhaenyra will not help, she'll kill him herself I fear, but you can - you can help!"

You nodded, "I will consult the flames - "

"I am telling you - "

"I have heard you, girl!" You snapped, glaring at your Little Bird. "But there are greater forces at work than what you know, I cannot just so willfully trust the word of a child before flying off across the Narrow Sea. Allow me my time with my Lord, I will have an answer for you." Turning from her, you gathered whatever materials you could; setting it up in a small teepee before stepping back.

In High Valyrian, you gave your command. From over your shoulder, your beasty opened her mouth and shot a single flame at the structure.

On your knees, you muttered repeatedly; chanting, summoning your Lord of Light to come to you now in a great hour of need. And He did. Through the flames, you saw what R'hllor wanted to show you: the two Princes engaged in a brutally epic fight that would claim them both in the end...

Unless you left right that moment, as your Lord commanded.

"Make yourself safe, Nettles, go back home," you told her in a rush, catching the pouch of Gold Dragons she tossed you when you sprung into action - and for the first time, mounted your dragon. Like your minds were connected, the Great Shadow took to the sky - leaving Nettles and Sheepstealer behind, and you'd never see either again.

You remained high in the sky, being a blob to the naked eye should any dare to stare at the sun.

You only paused to let the Great Shadow dive into the Narrow Sea for a meal; surfacing with creatures in her jaws as you swam an exhausting broad stroke. Was it terrifying to swim in the open water? Absolutely, but your dragon seemingly kept any threats at bay. When she was satisfied with her meal, the Great Shadow scooped you onto her back and relaunched into the air again to continue your flight for Westeros. You both dried in the air.

The trip was draining.

It was grueling on you both.

Yet when you saw the distant shore, you couldn't help the spike of relief in your heart and veins.

Once in Westeros, you were forced to ground yourselves in the open area of the Stormlands because you needed to know where to go since Nettles hadn't been sure where to send you specifically. Using the usual thunderstorm as cover, you had to separate from the Great Shadow; leaving her in the dark as you ventured to the closest village.

With the pouch of Gold Dragons Nettles gave you, you paid for information that you needed. You were told all the nitty gritty details about the Dance of the Dragons that you've missed, understanding what (Nettles and) the Lord of Light had been trying to tell you for years: the Black Queen would be Prince Daemon's death.

The time had come for you to return his favor from the Stepstones. If this worked the way you wanted it to, you wouldn't be his first, second, nor third wife, but his fourth and final. You knew what you had to do.

"What do you know of their whereabouts?" You asked the innkeeper who wiped down the bar you leaned on.

"The Princes?" She asked, tisking right after. "The One Eyed Prince has been burning the Riverlands for almost two weeks now. The Rogue Prince was in Maidenpool but he's called his nephew to meet him at, uh, oh... Oh, bullocks, what's that haunted castle? The one that was torched?"

"Harrenhal?"

She snapped her fingers at you, "That's the one!"

"Fuckin' Hell," you muttered, wiping your eyes. "What's your thinking, love? 'Bout this war?"

She scoffed, rolling her eyes, "Stupidest thing I've endured so far. How silly, the House of the Dragon does not know who rules it, or so says our liege lord. So we must all pay their price in Fire and Blood."

You nodded slowly, "Who do you think holds the better claim t'the Throne?"

"Depends on your views," she muttered, "but in truth, it doesn't matter to me - so long as this all comes to an end. But between us?" She leaned in, glancing around before muttering, "The Bitch Queen would burn us all. Can't say if King Aegon would be much better, but at least we'd know what we were dealing with."

"And if he was another Maegor?"

"Can't be worse than the Black Queen. Hear they call her Maegor with Tits."

You smirked, chuckling lightly, "Thank you, ma'am, for your words." You offered her a few Gold Dragons, repeating, "Harrenhal?"

"Harrenhal," she nodded, accepting the payment. "I do not know if the One Eyed Prince will answer the Rogue Prince's challenge, but that is where he lures Prince Aemond - Harrenhal. Now, how's about a nice bowl of stew? You look drenched, love, and a bit skinny - you been eatin'?"

"Your kindness is refreshing in this shit-for-a-kingdom."

You winked at her and tapped the bar in parting before turning for the door, and into the rain you ventured once more. You didn't notice the cold, your Lord kept you warm and moving; finding the Great Shadow, mounting, and shooting off into the unknown sky again.

It wasn't easy directing a dragon without a saddle nor any stabilizing reins, yet your beast was something of a decently smooth fly. You minimally directed her as you went, but in truth, her instincts directed you both more than anything. When the storm broke, you were soon flying over charred scores of land; homes smoldering and burning, the wind spreading the embers and never letting the fire fully die out.

"The fuck..." You muttered, sitting up straight as you flew through the carnage. "Seven Hells, he burnt it all, didn't he?" You whispered, needing to hold onto the spinal ridges of your dragon to keep balanced. "Gods be good," you gaped at the damage beneath you.

The sun moved into position, getting ready to set when you heard the horrible screams of feuding dragons. You couldn't see Harrenhal yet, but you heard the fight, and then, as the sun began to set, there came flashes of bright firelight that lit the sky to a new level.

It was nearly the shade of daylight with the way the flames danced against the setting sun. You were desperate to get closer, and after directing the Great Shadow over a set of charred rolling hills, you finally had Harrenhal in sight. "Go! Go, please! That's them - we need t'get there!" You begged through a small sob of panic, and if possible, your dragon flew all the faster.

You were so close, yet felt so far.

The air trembled when the pair of dragons, Vhagar and Caraxes, collided in the sky once more. They grappled and snarled and shrieked and blew flames and gnashed their teeth and slashed their talons. You paid no mind to the pregnant woman standing on the shoreline of the lake they fought over, and instead, focused on your task; feeling as if you were moving on pure instinct and adrenaline.

The Great Shadow dove low to the lake's surface as Caraxes and Vhagar came barreling to the ground. It all happened too fast. As the two dragons fell, you saw one man - in black armor - leap from his crimson beast with his Valyrian sword winking in the dying light. Just as his arm extended to pierce Dark Sister into Aemond's blind eye, the dragons were tussling enough to turn over and forced Daemon off their hide.

You gasped as you reacted - no fucking thought to your actions.

As the Great Shadow glided over the surface of the Gods Eye lake, you were leaping off her back to launch into the air; tackling the Rogue Prince hard enough to disrupt his impact on the water's surface. You hit the water all the same, but instead of it being like hitting fresh pavement, it was a softer landing due to the Great Shadow's expert and quick maneuvering.

Two dragons hit the water, three human bodies; sending a wave of water higher than the towers of Harrenhal's fortress. It was a shock to land in something so wet and cold, but your adrenaline was stronger than any feeling of freezing water. Your arms kept an iron-clad lock around Daemon's unconscious waist, surfacing as the lake rippled and churned from impact; turning a seeping red from the open wounds on the dragon sinking into the depths.

Prince Aemond never surfaced, and years from now, he'd be found still chained to Vhagar's saddle with Dark Sister still stabbed through his skull. His Red Witch standing on shore couldn't save him, it appearing that your Lord preferred the Rogue Prince to the One Eyed.

Keeping Daemon afloat was difficult, but to your shock, you were being gently propelled forward to the shore by a fatally injured Caraxes. You encouraged him best you could, trying not to choke on the water splashing around your frantic forms. When you were able, you started heaving and dragging Daemon up the lake's embankment; the crimson dragon crawling out of the lake behind you, slowly, heading towards Harrenhal. You wanted to offer the loyal beast aid or comfort, but you were much too preoccupied with his master that was dead weight in the water's surf.

You trembled as you swiftly hoisted his dragon winged helmet off to leave bobbing in the surf; unhooked his armor, shucking it off him and compressing his chest rapidly - just like a fisherman taught you to do.

"C'mon," you grunted. "C'mon, Daemon, breathe - fucking breathe, damnit! Please, come back to me - don't do this. I just found you again, c'mon, my Prince, breathe. Breathe, Daemon, don't give up - not now, not on us! Don't give up on us, c'mon, my Prince, breathe, w-we finally have our time." Sobs wracked your form. "Breathe, Daemon, please! Please! I'm back - I finally found you, please, my love, breathe!"

You shoved harder into his breast bone with increased ferocity until water came suddenly spewing from his lungs. You heard the Great Shadow land in the near distance, turning Daemon on his side to help him breathe better; choking the water out. You spoke in relief, "There, there you go, c'mon, love, breathe! Thank fucking Gods, you're all right, you're okay, get it out - you're okay, just breathe, my love."

Daemon choked your name in pure disbelief, holding one of your wrists in a vice grip that only briefly concerned you. He panted and relaxed into the embankment, loosening his grip as he turned over to look up at you in shock and wonder. "How is this possible?" He wheezed.

"It's a bit of a long story," you teased softly, caressing his cheek. "Bit of a boring tale, 'M afraid."

"How? How is - how can this be?"

"You needed me," you explained, "thought I'd return the favor since you saved me all those years ago, huh? You got me out of the sea, I got you out of the lake - we're even, yeah?"

He still panted, only staring at you as if he couldn't believe himself. "You've not aged a day," he whispered.

You smiled, petting his cheekbone with your thumb daintly. "You need rest, reprieve, aid," you whispered.

"No, no," he gulped, "not when I just got you back. T-Tell me 's done. Tell me we're done being apart."

"You have a wife still, Daemon. She won't let you go, she wouldn't let us be together."

"Tell me what your flames say."

"Now you trust my flames?"

"When they bring you back to me, yes - oh, fuck yes, I'll believe whatever those fucking flames say. Please, love, for us - consult your flames, tell me what they've said."

You frowned, petting a soaking wet lock of hair from his forehead. Quietly, you whispered, "My Lord showed me what was to pass if I did not come for you... This war, this Dance of Dragons, would claim your life, Daemon. Your wife, your niece... She'll be the end of you, my Prince. You will not survive if you go back to her. Neither of you will survive this... My Lord has shown me that Rhaenyra will meet her end in flames, but following her will cost you your life in water," you glanced at the lake. "Not a death befitting of a Targaryen Prince."

"And now?"

"Now, she will fight her own battles for the first time," you whispered, "and I will return home, and you will make a choice."

He smirked, "We've gone lifetimes apart, like you said before."

"We have."

"I would not go another day," he coughed, wincing in pain. "I do not think I can fight anymore anyways, love. Please... Please."

Daemon never begged. You swallowed harshly, asking him, "No? No more fighting?"

"No," he agreed. "'M so tired, my sweet. I-I can't do this forever," he half-slurred, making you perk up slightly in attention. "Retirement sounds all too appealing now. Rumor will spread that neither Aemond or I lived, it'll be the perfect escape."

You nodded in agreement, flinching when a new voice screeched, "YOU BITCH!"

The pregnant woman you saw on shore stormed towards you, making you chuckle dryly as you had already foreseen this Alys Rivers - pregnant concubine of the One Eyed Prince Aemond and fellow Follower of R'hllor. Alys was unique in the sense that her training was decent enough to ensnare Aemond (it seemed), but not so decent that the Lord yet favored her.

She wasn't more than ten feet from you when the Great Shadow opened her mouth and showered the Red Witch in holy flames; an end she surely did not see coming - not that R'hllor would've showed her. This all caught Daemon's attention, who flinched slightly when he had to turn and look; not expecting the flames nor the beast.

Then his eyes drifted over the land, breathing hitching, and he sat up with a painful groan. "Daemon," you worried, but instead of trying to get him down, you helped him up.

You knew what he saw.

When at Caraxes' side, you helped Daemon lower to his knees at his dragon's head. He whimpered and moaned, belly slashed open, wing torn apart; bleeding out into the cold soil he rested on. The Great Shadow moaned gently in sympathy, lowering herself around you three to let you grieve in peaceful, protective privacy and ease Caraxes to his next life.

The moon was fully in the sky when the crimson bloodwyrm took his final breath with the ebony giant's flames to warm you all. You weren't sure what could be done, but Daemon was pressing a tender kiss to his dragon's head before turning to face you - a lost, confused, vulnerable look coating his features. "Come on, love," you eased gently, helping him to his feet; knowing a few ribs were shattered and probably his clavicle, too.

"Where will we go now?"

"Well, I have somewhere safe for us t'live," you grunted in assurance, wobbling a little under his weight. "But we need rest for tonight. Any ideas?"

"I doubt anyone will venture to Harrenhal this night, should be safe..."

You agreed, and together, you and Daemon settled in the empty castle with the Great Shadow resting on the outskirts of the Keep. She was too big for the interior of the courtyard, so, she was left outside with Caraxes' corpse as you and Daemon settled in the room he had commandeered.

"How is this possible? How can you be here?" He asked, holding your hips as you worked between his spread legs. Daemon had minimal supplies at the ready; hopping up on a work bench to let you care for his injuries and wounds. He watched your every move with a softening look. "I thought I wouldn't ever see you again, that I'd be cursed to only remember you in my dreams. Rhaenyra said I say your name a lot at night, when I sleep."

"I'm really here, Daemon, ease yourself," you offered an assuring grin, tending to the head wounds he obtained from the fight.

"How?"

"Nettles."

"What?"

"Nettles," you repeated with a smirk. "She's one of my Little Birds, Daemon. It was not entirely coincidence she found you..."

"So she said," he frowned. "But how - "

"She told me you needed me," you smiled softly. "And when I consulted the flames, I was shown what could be. I made a decision, I just wanted you safe, no matter what that meant."

"I just want you. Fuck," he seethed, squeezing your hips, "'s been fucking decades since I've even touched you."

"You're delirious," you teased. "Sleep deprived, maybe concussed."

"Perhaps all at once, but I finally have all I've dreamt of. Please," he whispered, "do not deny us longer. I've endured lifetimes - "

"Daemon, being here and now, you know I can't walk away. But we've time t'talk it all out, I need you to let me help your wounds - so sit still."

He nodded, "One thing I do not understand, though - the dragon? How did you...?"

"Spent two years in Valyria, looking for her."

"Why were you there?"

"Searching for a dragon, of course," you smirked. "She's impressive, isn't she? And from her size, I wager she can easily support us both back across the Narrow Sea."

He grit his teeth when you cleaned his open cuts and wounds, wrapping whatever clean cloth you had around the larger wounds; easing him out of his tunic to have better access to the blackened ribs he sported. "Would you tell me?" Daemon whispered some time later.

"Of what?"

"Your life since the Stepstones?"

"Oh," you chuckled, "sweet love, you know it was dreadfully boring without you."

"Doesn't seem it, you being in Valyria two years? That's not heard of, what was it like? How'd you survive? Why go looking for a dragon?"

This lead to you both laying in bed, hands held together, resting, but not sleeping. You just spoke quietly, fingertips tracing idly over each other's faces; sharing in each others lives that the other missed, reminiscing together in fond memories.

When morning broke, you had to move swiftly. Caraxes was left where he laid and after a final parting to the loyal beast and commandeering his saddle, together, you and Daemon mounted the Great Shadow. She wasn't a fan of the restraints, but once you and Daemon were mounted, she did not fuss as it was evident you humans had an easier time with the leather contraption.

"I must confess," Daemon whispered in your ear, using you as an anchor and leaning into your back, "I fear I might feel something akin to guilt for fleeing home."

"That's natural," you assured, "you're leaving family behind, 's never easy."

"There was no winning this war," he admitted, sighing. "I lead so many to their death... Destroyed my family - "

"From what I have heard, this is not your doing," you argued sharply. "That night, when Aemond attacked Lucerys, what were you to do? Leave that kind of atrocity without consequence? No, that is not in the Targaryen's nature. You did not start this war, Daemon."

"But I knew..."

"You knew what?"

"I knew Jace, Luke, and Joffrey were Harwin Strong's, not Laenor Velaryon's. We thought if we married her sons to my daughters, nobody would care much else about lineage - but we were wrong."

"It's okay to be wrong," you promised, leaning your head back to let your forehead rest against his temple. "It's okay to make mistakes or have regret. Tell me, do you wish to return to your wife? I will take you now, no quest - "

"No. No, I do not wish to leave you. This is... This is Rhaenyra's war, I've done my part. I'm free and finally with whom I belong."

"Now it's time to heal," you told him.

"Time to rest," he agreed, squeezing your waist and placing a few kisses to your neck. "This is where I should've been all this time... After the Stepstones, I should've stayed with you, none of this would've come to pass. I regret leaving you everyday - "

"I told you, for us to get here, to this point, now, we had to separate. But look where we are," you smiled back at him, the Great Shadow soaring higher in the sky to keep Westeros at a distance, "we will not be apart again. 'S you and me, love... Until our end, which we will greet together."

Daemon's lips found yours at long last, whispering, "Together," against them before sweeping his tongue against yours.

The port was lovely this time of day, sun high in the sky to give light to the fishermen and vendors hard at work. Sailors made port, calms were being shucked, different Aristocats trying to barter and trade on their journeys abroad. You smiled at the people you passed, grateful to be home after a prolonged absence; arm looped tight with Daemon's as you both strolled the pier.

"It's hard to imagine you've done all this in a lifetime or less," he mused, a hand folded over yours, dressed in the best clothes you could find. "It's s marvel, my sweet," his compliment was sincere.

"Thank you," you whispered, hugging his arm as your skirts swished around your ankles, just tickling your bare feet. "This season's expected to be bountiful," you told him, pointing to the various teams bringing crustaceans, fish, and other sea life in different crates and traps. "I expect there won't be much of an off-season."

He glanced around, "And you don't collect taxes?"

"Why would I?" You scoffed. "We're more dynamic than that. Everyone works for their place, if you wanted to think of it that way. They are not expected to contribute, but the village seems happier that way. Being close knit, helping one another, sharing wealth. No one person has complained, so, I figure it's working so far. Even if it didn't work, I still wouldn't charge them taxes - it'd be like charging them to live. Always seemed silly t'me."

"Morning, Mistress!"

"Morning, Don," you beamed, leading Daemon towards the dock. "How are you, kind sir? Looks as if you've been working all day already."

"Aye, up before the sun," he nodded, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. "Wanted t'thank yah, actually."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, yeah, with that dragon? We're hauling in more ships," he chuckled, and just overhead, the Great Shadow glided over them all to head out to sea to fetch another round of ships. "Gets us out there quick, brings us back when done, 's like a wee bit of an assembly line, ain't it?"

You chuckled, "Sounds like it, friend. Uh, Don, have I introduced you to my husband?"

"Husband?" Don grinned, cocking his head, "No, Mistress, I wasn't aware you even had a suitor. Mariam don't tell me much gossip these days," he snickered, referring to his wife. "It's nice t'meet you," he told Daemon, "name's Don, just Don - no, it ain't short for nothin'."

Daemon smirked some, shaking the man's fishy hand boldly, "A pleasure, Don, Just Don."

"Oh, this one's got a bit uh humor, don't he?" Don laughed lightly. "What's your name, lad?"

"Daemon?" A voice answered for you all, and just above you, a little further on the pier, stood an aged Laenor Velaryon.

"Excuse us, Don," you spoke swiftly, confusion marring your features. He understood or sensed the slight tension, backing off to let you approach the "dead" knight.

"Oh, my - Y/N," Laenor breathed, another aged man at his side with what you assume to be his children. No question could be asked yet as your old friend launched himself into your arms, laughing merrily, giving you a tight squeeze with his still-toned arms. "Oh, the Gods are good for this!" He laughed, rocking you slightly, "Oh, how the Seven bless us."

"You're so dramatic," you laughed back, patting him happily until he pulled back. "But I must confess, I am so fucking confused - what is this? How are you here? I thought you died, Laenor, that's what ever spy reported."

"They should've," he nodded, glancing at Daemon, "but perhaps, the explanation will be better received after some wine?" He caressed your cheek in affection before looking at your husband, nodding, "It's good to see you again, my Prince. Or is it King Consort?"

"Neither, just Daemon," he corrected, your heart soaring a little at the idea that he would abandon his title so easily. Yet you knew, there was nothing to go back to for him.

"Well, how about I introduce my family?"

"Family?" You grinned, seeing him present the others.

"My husband," he gestured, giving his name. "And our kids," he introduced the other three.

"How?" You asked simply.

"We found a Red Priest who was willing to officiate the ceremony," Laenor explained, "and the kids were sired by different mothers, too."

"Whores," the husband smiled.

"Huh," you nodded in impression. "Well, perhaps wine is best to hear that tale, as well?"

"Perhaps," Laenor grinned. "Uh, but first, we should find accommodations - "

"Oh, come off it, you're staying with us," you waved. "Your belongings?"

"This is it," he half-shrugged, you eyeing the few rucksacks around their feet, neck, shoulders... "We heard of the prosperity here, thought it was worth the move."

"How right you are," Daemon answered. "Come, old friend." He picked up a few sacks for the kids and you looped your arm with Laenor's to lead the way. How good it was to have your friend back, your husband at your side, and a functioning, happy village with your placement amongst them most important... Everything you could've wished for, it seemed, came true.

And in your womb, a Dragon Seed was planted; soon to make its announcement known. Truly, a happier ending than you thought deserved - but R'hollr worked mysteriously, blessing those deemed worthy to spread his flames.

requesting rules and masterlist

HOTD masterlist

#daemon #prince daemon #daemon targaryen x reader #daemon targaryen x fem!reader #daemon targaryen x f!reader #daemon targaryen x female!reader #daemon targaryen imagine #daemon targaryen fanfiction #daemon targaryen angst #prince daemon targaryen x fem!reader #prince daemon targaryen x f!reader #prince daemon targaryen x female!reader #prince daemon targaryen imagine #prince daemon targaryen fanfiction #prince daemon targaryen angst

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olderthannetfic · 2 months

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I'm not sure if it was here or someplace else and I can't find the post but I saw a discussion a while back about authors tagging their fic as "no smut" and a lot of people were saying it's stupid/obnoxious. I didn't really think about it at the time but now it seems kind of weird to me.

The arguments were mostly about purity culture and authors feeling superior or looking down on people who do write smut, and while I'm sure those people exist, I don't think that's generally the case.

I actually think it's useful. It just lets people know "If you are looking for smut, this isn't it, and if it's not important to you or you prefer not to read that at all then here you go!"

I like nasty raunchy sex scenes as much as the next guy but sometimes it's also nice to read something entirely focused on just the non-sexual aspects of romance since a lot of fic is very sex-focused.

Adding that tag makes things easier to find and avoids wasting people's time if they do want smut. It certainly doesn't harm anyone so I really don't see the problem.

The reason it's fucking stupid and reads as purity bullshit is that a fuckton of fic is romance focused but contains no explicit sex, and the rating is generally how you're going to figure out which ones are porny. On AO3 especially, an E rating is usually for sex.

"No smut" on a rated-E-for-violence fic makes sense, especially if the rest of the headers don't make it clear or this is unusual for the fandom or for this author.

Using the goofy-ass word 'smut' also doesn't help. It sounds like Tom Lehrer or conservatives howling about "smut peddlers".

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caelyne · 15 days

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i feel like discourse regarding rain world downpour's canon status comes up every half second. i hate the topic and i dont think it should be a subject of discussion as often as it seems to come up. but if i can be constructive about my opinion on it, what I find frustrating is the claim from people that the existence of downpour supposedly replaces the perception of the original work.

Downpour was created by modders and does qualify as a fanwork. the devs themselves have stated that downpour can be considered to be in its own continuity. Sure. I just don't see how it matters. from an artist who's work i admire and deeply enjoy, their claim is that the people who wish to note the separation don't enjoy having their feelings dismissed regarding the topic because 'something they care about has been effectively replaced by an additional work which changes the perception of the original'. i could not disagree more.

the nature of rain world's story is split into campaigns which have almost no overlap. everything is segmented into its own story and pretty much have no bearing on one another, with the exception of Monk, i suppose.

but the original story of rain world wasn't really anything was it? the details you can find or discover about the world around you were extra goodies that most players probably won't notice or look into. It's hard to see that stuff when you have lizards or vultures chasing after you! but its still there, if you care. from an accessibility standpoint, i think the more upfront style of storytelling that downpour had only helps to draw players in, imo. I completely disagree that it would alter the perception of original rain world. and to be honest, I really don't even know what that means. Original rain world is still there. everything is still there. except now, instead of the pink robot simply telling you to go jump into the earth and krill yourself, now he gets an arc and (imo) a satisfactory ending to the long struggle that his doomed race faces. i want him and Moon to be happy. i want a resolution to their story. having them sit there for eternity while the world wastes away isn't something i want for them. you can say that downpour has different themes than original rain world and I would mostly agree. but hunter's story shows a thin veil of hope is possible. why would No Significant Harassment send a dying Hunter out to simply just revive Moon? he believes better things are possible. and hunter gives their life to accomplish that because of the bond that they and NSH share. the world is harsh and cruel, but despite all of that, the people in it are doing what they can to help each other. i think downpour does nothing but expand on that sentiment.

imo, i think all of this would only encourage players to learn more about the world that they're spending time in! to find the stuff that videocult peppered into the backdrop of their game about silly slugs.

Much like how the ancients built their world above the structures of long forgotten civilizations, downpour is doing the same. everything from before is still there, albeit hidden. Just as always.

one final thought though, i've talked before about a lot of people in the rain world fandom having a weird complex regarding their preference for the Pre-DP fandom. To me, this is another extension of that and I think it would be nice if people stopped having this idea that everything was better back before more people knew about the game. Nobody is more special or more of a fan simply because they were there first.

and all of this is just silly to me because everything from before DP is still there!! its just silly to me.

#catte.meow #rain world

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sgiandubh · 5 months

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I am not a shipper, just not what I see when I look at all I have seen over the years. However, I am truly appalled at the amount of Sam hate I see on so many Tumblr blogs. I don't understand why anyone would follow his career and map out every move he makes if they hate him so much. Their criticism of his acting is always the same, but I would bet none of them has ever done any acting or knows how actors train and prepare. It just makes me wonder what brought them here in the first place. I would never waste so much time and effort on an actor I don't like. Makes zero sense to me.

Also seems to me that everyone in this fandom has decided what they think/believe and cannot seem to have a normal discussion or disagreement at all. Believe what you want- I have no hate for anyone myself. I just come here for fun and to follow two actors I really like. I am sure Sam and Caitriona really never intended all this chaos when they took these roles.

Dear Not a Shipper Anon,

I hope you know, by the time I answer you, that you landed on an ultra shipper page and I also hope you can live with this detail. Barely joking, here - and yes, I decided to give you space and a short answer, because even if non shippers believe I am either a totally retarded, brainless idiot or (at a minimum) the devil incarnate, I am still open to different POVs than mine, as long as they are politely expressed.

If you do not 'see' them together, that is strictly your problem and loss. We, as a group, do not 'see' it either: we know they are together, have been so for a very long time, and still managed to make the relationship work, despite a long list of ehrm, oddities that would seem unacceptable to many. Among us, chances are we do not agree on everything, yet the essential is we all know they are not just co-stars, but so much more (lovers, partners, parents come to mind).

You are correct. I think it would be impossible for you to change my mind about it, as I have no intention of changing yours. We already entered Year Eleven of this saga and by now any dialogue between Antis and Shippers is completely impossible. Also, I am not very friendly towards 'shippers on the fence', who usually follow/share and comment also on the more prominent Anti blogs (BCAC, CRT, Moo, Purv). These people are usually blocked, because I simply can't with stupidity and lack of integrity rolled into one.

So yes, there is a lot of hate. Directed mostly towards S, because he is (and will always be) the main object of desire in this very feminine fandom. And make no mistake: all the women hating S desire him. Deeply. Impossibly. This and also simply being nasty people IRL - I can easily think of one or two legit Fascists, but will control my anger and refuse to name names. Last, but not least, I am going to tell you a secret, Anon: they are not very bright, either. Parochial fools, which I suggest you ignore.

I am sure S & C never knew what they were up to when they took this once in a lifetime opportunity. And I am also positively convinced they had no idea it would last for so long. I can only hope they have, by now, all the support they can use. For all the rest, they have each other.

The picture below has absolutely nothing to do with my answer to you, but I have promised @robinshill a picture I took in the Old City of Kashgar showing its savage destruction by the Chinese bulldozers. If that was the situation in June 2010, I can only imagine it now. Imagine and weep.

#Anon #fandom

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meraki-yao · 3 months

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I don’t get why anybody would want to hate on Taylor or Nick. I have stopped going on Twitter because everyone seems to be either private or unhinged. People doxxing Taylor weekly. The poorly hidden racism from people claiming he is untalented. I mean, we are all here discussing him and Nick because their talent brought us together so how does that work exactly? And then you have the people going after Nick because they want to punish him for shit other people say? Camping in his tags daily calling him a chubby, inbred and ugly white man, thinking that’s somehow helpful? These guys have done nothing to deserve such bullshit! I wish we could kick people out of fandom when they are just here to ruin it for everyone else. Thank god for Tumblr though. And the block button.

I've only ever heard shit things about Twitter so I think it's reputation speaks for itself. Weibo on China is somewhat similar so I do get a gist of what's its like (but to be clear I don't have an account on either platform). I don't understand hatred like this either, it comes from nothing besides delusion and a weird sense of arrogance and superiority.

Also I just think hating is such a tiring thing to do mentally and emotionally? So I don't get why would anyone hate on people who have done nothing to deserve it. You're exactly right, we're here because of both of their hard work and talent, there's no fucking point in fighting, and it's so stupid and such a waste of time.

On Weibo super topics (the somewhat equivalent of fandom Tags) there is a host, self nominated and voted by the community/Fandom who re-enforces set rules in the tag (ex: no insulting the material or the actor, no bringing up unrelated person, no discussing actors' private lives etc) and the host can kick out people who violate the rules. That has its own set of problems (cuz it's... Kinda a dictatorship?) but just a little insight on other forms of social media regulating since you brought up wanting to kick people out (which I understand but I don't think it would be that practical to implement fairly)

And yeah thank God Tumblr has a pretty flexible/free block button. Keep your peace, stay away from bullshit like that, and trying to focus on the happier things in the fandom, like the wonder fan creations our fellow artists, gif makers and authors make, and the various posts/rambles about the movie and cast that are posted here.

❤️🤍💙

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry hanover stuart fox #firstprince #rwrb thoughts #Anon ask #Answered

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fatum679 · 20 days

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Hello, sorry to brother you again, please lmk if u have enough of my rants 🤣. I wanna ask , don't you think it's somewhat crazy that due to this ridiculous a*ysmond vs. helaemond ship war, the character of Helaena Targaryen seems to have more haters among the TG than TB part of the fandom? I legit know several TB supporters/ content creators who claim Helaena deserves better and it will be cool if it turns out she has kids with someone who likes and respects her(=Aemond). Also, even TBs point out if the showrunners want to give Aemond a romantic subplot, helaemond will be a better option, since unlike a*ysmond , this relationship is a consensual one + Aemond's protectiveness and attachment to his sister appear pretty obvious... It's such a pity some Green fans diminish Hel's clairvoyance and claim it's useless and she's far less powerful seer and less interesting character than A*ys. They want A*ys' magic to be explored further, and not Hel's. Which I totally don't understand, since in GOT, we have already seen greenseers, woods witches and even Red Priests, but we still don't know much about dragon dreamers. Imo focusing on Targaryen magic in a Targaryen -centric show would be a far better idea. Also, HOTD's portrayal of Helaena could potentially be a really refeshing and original take on a magical woman. I mean unlike stereotypical sorceresses, usually dark-haired, clad in flowy, dusky gowns and dwelling in fantastic, Gothic manors, Hel looks like a sweet Princess ,but she's still blood of the dragon and a seer. I mean she doesn't need Gothic aesthetics and stuff to be "magical", since she herself is magic!

Hello! I'm glad to see your questions and glad that you are interested in my opinion 😊

The asoiaf fandom has always been toxic, no matter if you discuss books or series, there have always been wars in the fandom. Treat it like a game and don't spend a lot of energy on it.

Yes, there is a war of ships going on now. It's true, alysmond stans is the anti-Helaena and the anti-Helaemond. I don't understand why TG thinks Alys is part of the green party. Alys is not green. She has her own personal interests and goals.

Dance of the dragons is a Targaryen story, Alys is not a Targaryen, she is just a tertiary character (like Mysaria), she will not have more time.

I really want to see more of Helaena as a character, more of her magical abilities, more of her personality, more of her connection to the people of King's Landing, her family, her children, and her dragon. Rhaenyra did more action (in the book she sat on Dragonstone for the entire war), so I'm sure Helaena will have a lot of screen time.

Helaena doesn't have to be a stereotypical and banal goth girl. Comparing her to Alys is a waste of time. Helaena is beautiful, she looks like an elf and a fallen angel to girls from sagas.

Helaegon stans opposes Aemond, and they don't like all the allusions to Helaemond. I'm not anti-Aegon, but I'm anti-helaegon because there was no love between Aegon and Helaena in the show or even in the book. It was a forced marriage. Aegon had a mistress and other children. helaegon is lmao. helaegon is an abusive relationship. Abusive to Helaena. This is the reality and the truth.

“Princess Helaena was breaking her fast with her children when the Kingsguard came to her…but when asked the whereabouts of Prince Aegon, her brother and husband, she said only, “He [Aegon] is not in my bed, you may be sure. Feel free to search beneath the blankets””

“Though the good septon admits Prince Aegon was with a paramour when he was found, he insists the girl was the daughter of a wealthy trader, and well cared for besides”

“We have nothing in common”, “You [Aemond] marry her [Helaena], then”

“She's an idiot”

“I regret the disappointment you [Baela] are soon to suffer. But if you ever wish to kniw what it is to be well satisfied, all you have to do is ask”

“It isn’t so bad. Mostly he just ignores you…except sometimes when he’s drunk”.

“Think of the shame on your wife, on me” [Aegon r*p*d the Dyana who helped Helaena with her babys]

“I will find a ship and sail away, never to be found” [Aegon wanted to run away, abandon Helaena and her children]

I think Aegon always wanted to be on Rhaenyra's side. Perhaps he thought that Viserys would start to notice him and love him if he was closer to his older sister than to his other siblings. Even as a child, he was more interested in spending time with his nephews, and he did not take Alicent's words seriously until Aemond's eye was gouged out (Aemond could have died after such a wound)

“If Rhaenyra come into power you very life could be forfeit. Aemond is as well. She could move to cut off any challenge to her succession”

“Then I won’t challenge”

Aegon has a bad relationship with his mother and siblings ("She's an idiot" "He's a twat"). I think Aegon was more interested in love from Viserys and Rhaenyra than from his real family.

“My sister is the heir, not me,” he says in Eustace’s account. “What sort of brother steals his sister’s birthright?”

“He [Viserys]didn't like me”

Perhaps Aegon liked the idea of marrying Rhaenyra?

Sorry, I got a little off topic.

I agree with you, it would be great if Helaena's children were with the man she loves (Aemond). It is very sad and terrible that Helaena had to endure drunken se**ally har***ment from Aegon 🫣 😱 Poor girl 🥺 😭 I hate Aegon for this! Alicent, why did you let this happen? Helaena could have Aemond! Helaena was scared when Otto and Alicent asked her where Aegon was. She lowered her head - this is a gesture of protection. I don’t understand people who “like” Helaena and support the helaegon ship. They support abusive relationships and domestic vio**nce. It is a fact. This is anti-Helaena relationships.

#We need more Helaena in season 2!

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joker-daughter · 6 days

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alright let me add my two cents because clearly you aren’t allowed to be frustrated in this fandom…

who the hell blamed Tomdayas for Tom’s career choices? like where the fuck did that happen? how does that even make sense? like do you all really think we’re that dumb to think that you guys (or we) have some power over his career or are you all being dense on purpose? we can have opinions and discussions about it though (because what else is there left to do? lmao) and someone pointed out the hypocrisy behind not wanting Zendaya to claim that she owes everything to Euphoria (which is valid and I remember not just Tomdayas, but their stans, meaning the ones who claim to stan one or the other or both, criticizing that at the time) to not questioning when Tom straight up says that about Spider-Man, which again, is an attitude not just shared among (some) Tomdayas, this is not an attack on them for being Tomdayas or on Zendaya, so stop interpreting it that way too ffs

also about “catastrophizing” stuff or whatever because of what he said about his future projects, we heard him say the exact same thing years ago and we’ve gotten one project since then, like you can’t blame his fans for pointing that out, and we’re not saying that we should have gotten these projects by now, we know that he was burned out, we know that he took a break, we know that there was a strike, we know, we’re not stupid, all we want is to know what these are because we keep hearing about it…also about the script reading, I don’t have much of an opinion on it but Tom tends to exaggerate so again, you can’t blame anyone if they want to be cautious in that regard, some of you all are acting like people aren’t allowed to be critical like sorry, we don’t look through rose colored glasses at everything he does and says ffs (also looking at those who clearly weren’t thrilled about that challengers script when it came out) but again, if we didn’t look forward to all of it still (even if we don’t know what it is) we wouldn’t be here wasting our time, that’s for damn sure

and about us wanting “to win stan wars”…what stan war? on tumblr? most of the very few Tom blogs moved from twitter to here because they’re tired of these so called stan wars, but why is it that when we say want to see him work with acclaimed directors, actors or whatever and be in a good and acclaimed project that you all jump to that conclusion? are we not allowed to want success for him outside of the box office? especially after how people (and I’m not talking about fucking stans) have been coming down on him in the past couple years when it comes to his career? and don’t you dare and twist my words into us forcing him into anything, again neither you nor I have the power for that and if he was to come out tomorrow and say yeah, nope, I’m retiring and I don’t want to do this anymore or I don’t care how my stuff is perceived* then fine but clearly he wants to keep working and seems excited about it so why can’t we wish for him to be successful across all fronts with that??? lord

and yes, I know at the end of the day what matters most is what we personally think about his projects, especially as his fans, but you can’t deny that it’s nice to see when they’re more universally celebrated and he gets his flowers for his work and talent…

*which btw he never did but some act like he did, not saying that he’s focused on that but he was clearly thrilled about that CCA nomination so do what you want with that

anyways, crucify me now, Idc

#tom holland

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apatchworkstar · 9 months

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Hi! This is the second part of the first tarot spread within MeMe, specifically cards 6 through to 8 (likely of three, though you know how big these things can get; especially when it’s a deep dive!). You may be asking “This isn’t the person who posted the first couple of posts, why are you doing this?” and well. @gunsli-01/ @archivalofsins and I figured it might be a fun idea to alternate which blog each part of the tarot readings are on! The prior posts to be put up on her blog, then some on mine. That being said, this is mostly her words, with the occasional interjection from me.

I hope that you enjoy what is here, and a thanks in advance!

Here

6/Below Subconscious: Ten of Wands Reversed

Wands in Mikoto’s tarot deck is represented by baseball bats. A different type of wand where, with just a wave of your arms, whatever problem you face will magically be replaced with a new, easier to solve problem. That is, if you’re good at disposing of a body of course. Something one of the Mikotos seems to be pretty decent at. So, hooray!

At a point the fandom is really going to have to discuss Mikoto and Amane comparing metal bludgeoning weapons like bats and metal pipes to wands

(Star here! A branch off point to the above is the fact that baseball and the idea of magical girl groups can be paralleled with the way of living both Mikoto and Amane have. To be more specific, the idea that they are expected to gain victory/success all the time + the idea of being a smaller part in a larger ‘team’ that has to run like a well-oiled machine to function properly and the pressure that comes with it.

Mikoto’s struggles can be compared to baseball in the sense that he’s consistently expected to put in as much physical and mental effort to secure the main goal of the group. This is to the point of putting these pressures on himself and observing other people’s behaviors with that in mind. A prime example of this is when he tells Fuuta that his behavior is attention-seeking:

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying get everyone to pay attention to you. You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly.

Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here? ……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross.

Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right?

Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

He goes by the ideals that in a more adult based world {i.e. within a working force as opposed to an educational setting} not only are you meant to carry your own weight, but you’re also supposed to make things go as smoothly as you can for others and make sure your effort doesn’t go to waste. This is something he is called out for by Yuno when she asks about if it’s tiring to smile so much:

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about? I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right? I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone too.

Yuno: I don’t smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you’re talking with other people it’s more like you only smile deliberately. So I kept thinking, don’t your cheeks get tired?

Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ……you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you.…….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

A character example of what I mean, at least with baseball, is Yamamoto Takeshi from Katekyou Hitman Reborn! Specifically, his introduction. For those of you who don’t know, in the manga Yamamoto is introduced as a mainstay character when he picks the protagonist to be on his team for P.E.. After they lose, he helps the protagonist and ends up asking him for advice. As it turns out, he’s worried about holding his team back because it seems no matter how much he tries, his skill at baseball is diminishing. The protagonist suggests putting in more effort and he agrees, saying that he’ll stay behind to do practice more. The next day, he’s at the top of the roof wanting to jump because in overexerting himself, he broke his arm. This, in terms of the team he’s in, makes him an immediate detriment as opposed to where he was before. At least then, he was still able to play, even if there was a feeling of stagnation.

Amane’s is more comparable to the ideals and moral standards that magical girls are stereotypically held to. This can be paralleled to how the members of her cult hold her to a certain standard and level of belief even if she {at least initially} didn’t subscribe to those beliefs herself.)

Now, it’s the ten of wands. How much can the card vary outside of the baseball bats? Well, that’s the trickiest part about the wand cards. The depiction of wands varies greatly based on what tarot decks an individual uses. However, the wands are generally represented with a stick of some kind. The thing that changes the most is the position the wands are shown in, just as we see here with Mikoto’s variant.

The ten of wands is usually portrayed by a person carrying a large bundle of sticks in their arms, being noticeably burdened by it as they head towards a town. How the wands are carried and what they are made of tend to vary. However, they tend to be carried by a person.

This is noticeably not the case in Mikoto’s version where the wands are holding themselves up.

They almost resemble a mock bridge or passage. I wish I had something to connect this back to, but at this time I don’t. I can’t really grasp what would make Mikoto or the staff design this card this way.

(Star here again! And I’m just jumping in real quick to posit a guess; it looks like those gates at level crossings.

A level crossing is where a railway crosses a road or right of way on the level; that means without the use of a tunnel or bridge. This includes footpaths, bridleways and cycle ways.

The gates are there to prevent people going over it when a train is incoming. And where does at least part of his crime take place~?)

The sixth card in a Celtic spread is meant to represent the subconscious state of the asker. The Ten of Wands usually represents that the asker has completed a trial of sorts or is getting out of a period of struggle, the querent reaching success afterwards. Even though that may sound all well and good, this newfound success comes with new responsibilities. As such, the Ten of Wands also alludes to the querent facing new challenges and becoming the go to problem solver in relationships.

However, since it’s in reverse the meaning changes completely. It warns the asker that they are becoming burdened or constricted by things that are not a necessity within their life. Advising that they find the matters that won’t bring them any happiness, even if they were resolved successfully and drop them completely. If it doesn’t add value to the querent’s life, then it needs to go. Once gotten rid of, the querent will have sobriety of thought and move forwards in a more accurate way.

Now, Mikoto’s conscious and subconscious are completely out of whack, right? Not surprising, one’s outward appearance rarely perfectly reflects their inner self. Yet, the dissonance between these two states is concerning.

Outwardly, Mikoto is attempting to be amicable but according to this card, on some subconscious level, he knows that doing such a thing isn’t beneficial to him. Not just emotionally, but in any actual way. It brings no value to his life to behave in this fashion but he’s consciously pushing forward with it anyway and continuing to bite his tongue. When really, he should just let it out and be done with it.

“You don’t have to keep it in and hide it away.”

7/Advice or Your Influence: King of Cups Reversed

The King of Cups in Mikoto’s tarot deck is represented by several cups scattered behind the word King.

In some tarot decks the King of Cups has been depicted with fair hair, warm blue eyes and covered in blue armor with orange wings with what has been said to be their personal symbol, the peacock, adorning their crown while riding a horse. The cup they hold either having a crab inside of it or adorning the vessel in reference to the Astrological sign Cancer. It’s horse, implied to be graceful and steady, able to prance across the waters without ever disturbing the fish jumping about its hooves. The background of the card being violet, a mix of red and blue. This is meant to depict a combination or union between the elements Water and Fire.

As impressive as that sounds and how much I would love to see Mikoto depicted like that, either one of them to be honest… Nowadays, the King of Cups is more commonly depicted by a King sitting on their throne, wearing a fish amulet and surrounded by water on all sides. Sound familiar-?

(Since Gunsli brought up how Mikoto mirrors the King of Cups, I feel this is the perfect time to go into how Mikoto and Muu both have associations with royalty but in different manners. Mikoto is associated with royalty in the sense that he’s a “King of the People”. In other words, the type of royalty that works for the people. Their power comes from how liked they are within the general populace. On one hand, having this type of power means that they’d be generally well liked but on the other, it means their capacity to keep said power is far less stable than other types of leadership. Since it’s dependent on how the larger populace favours them, it means the less they are liked, the less influence they have to throw around. The line that best showcases this idea in conjunction with this reading of the king of cups is this one:

All those ridiculous accusations / Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn't change anything, does it

However, Muu’s association with royalty is more akin to the concept of “Divine Right”, as shown blatantly with this line:

I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same/ God gave me everything, everything is as I wish

For those who don’t know, divine right in terms of royalty is the idea that the person in power was pre-ordained to rule by god, and thus chosen and shaped in their image. It’s considered that those chosen by such a rule have no need to answer to any form of democracy or the regular populace since their status has already been ‘chosen’ by a higher power. Instead, they can only be judged by the ‘god’ that considered them worthy of power to begin with and those who act against them are considered sacrilegious:

Don’t you think it’s wonderful to control them with my gentle sting/ If you want to betray from jealousy/ You know what’s gonna happen ON YOU

Despite this, she tries to come off as a “King of the People” in After Pain, highlighting the lack of esteem she has in everyone’s eyes now, and how that has made her feel as though her influence lacks power because no one wants her around anymore.

If I was gone, If I had just disappeared/ I overheard, I found out/ How much I’m not needed

My sorry spells must be wearing off/ But I guess some of it is my fault/ Maybe it’s ok as it is/ I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?/ Tell me

If you’re going to make me the villain/ It’s ok to ignore me/ If it’s endurance, I’m used to it./ It’s just having another taste of it

This makes the snippet that we got of Mikoto’s next song fairly interesting. After all…

I should have saved you, but why are you crying?/ Rely on me, praise me with your song, I am your savior

...What is a god, but a savior to the masses?)

In the background of the card to the left, fish can be seen jumping about. On the right side, there is a ship sailing the waters. The fish in the background and the amulet the King of Cups wears is meant to represent their creativity and spirit. Both of which is implied to be sustained by the water surrounding them.

The boat and fish within the background is meant to represent the balance between the emotional and material realms. This depiction is meant to illustrate that the King of Cups has a handle of things and the querent has learned not to suppress their emotions or impulses instead recognizing and dealing with them in a controlled balanced manner.

I bet a lot of people started to understand why it’s reversed now. Also, modernly the King of Cups tends to be more associated with the Astrological sign Scorpio. The water sign generally depicted as being fiery.

The King of Cups is known as The Lord of The Waves and Water, The King of Undines and Nymphs, and The Fire of Water. It is the most active and aggressive out of all the royal tarot cards to be associated with water. For some time, Water has been used to represent the subconscious of the human mind, and The King of Cups is no exception. It is said to represent the creative spark of humanity that ignites and gives birth to unconscious images. In a way, representing the imagination or, if one wishes to think of it from a more negative perspective, intrusive thoughts.

When in the Upright position the King of Cups represents the querent’s abilities to restrain their emotions. Showing that they are in full control of their feelings and impulses and the relationship between their feelings and reasoning is balanced and fair. However, as we all know, the King of Cups appears here in its reversed form. It’s much darker and complicated evil for- nah, I’m sorry, I’ll stop blowing things out of proportion. I’m just happy to be getting back to this after the whole Mu situation.

It's not that bad. Ha, ha, it’s worse… Now I left something out about the King of Cups upright meaning. It’s not just about having a reign on both one’s feelings and logical reasoning. It is also connected to understanding or being aware of oneself. Sure, one can usually objectively believe that what they’ve done or how they’ve done it may be irrational but knowing for certain why they responded that way can be a murky endeavor. One can also emotionally discern when logic does not serve their emotional health/security or when their personal feelings aren’t being considered due to the logic being used.

Being able to actively take into account one’s emotions and then apply logic to them takes a level of personal understanding and recognition that Mikoto has admitted to lacking already. If one doesn’t have that type of emotional understanding of themselves, they are more likely to invalidate their emotions or if they have too much of an understanding of themselves invalidate logic. This is why the balance that The King of Cups alludes to is so important.

Because if it’s broken, one state of thinking will be valued over the other which will ultimately lead to dysfunction of some kind.

Now when you reverse The King of Cups- The King already said to be the most aggressive of the royal water cards residing in the tarot- you get one hell of a tyrant. It’s time to get aggressive.

People not listening? Time to make them listen through emotional manipulation. Get volatile. Huh, members of the court are saying the king seems moody. Don’t fret about that. They’re wrong; what do they know? They came asking, seeking council, right? If they don’t like the answer they received, doesn’t that mean they weren’t truly seeking an answer to begin with, just validation of their beliefs? At that point they shouldn’t have even asked! How dare they waste the King’s time.

Aren’t people who come begging for guidance and then complain about the advice given the literal worst? The trash of society, actually. The King is being nice by just listening and they still want more. Greedy ass, self-absorbed, peasants; don’t they see the King is swamped already? When are they going to listen to King, huh?!

In fact, they’ve got a lot of nerve even questioning the King! What is this, a coup?!

So, we’re in a bit of dangerous territory now. The King of Cups is all out of sorts. The balance they had before has completely deteriorated. They’ve lost their ability to handle any situation with compassion and wisdom, having difficulties when it comes to dealing with everyone seeking their help. They may appear kind and understanding to some and cold and dismissive to others.

They may now be using all their communicative talents and emotional knowledge in questionable ways. Manipulating the people around them and their circumstances to create their ideal situation.

Depending on the reading, this could be the querent themselves or represent someone else within their life. However, this is the seventh card in a Celtic Tarot spread and this is one of the cards that remains consistent between the two spreads.

It can either be representative of advice for the querent or the querent’s own influence. Now I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing Your Influence means how Mikoto impacted his circumstance but it’s not that. It’s his influence on himself.

To be more specific, this card can be read to represent how the querent views themselves and how that is affecting the situation overall. Before going into that heavy topic, let’s talk about the card from an advice standpoint.

First, let’s take the interpretation from the angle that the King of Cups isn’t referring to Mikoto himself but someone else within his life.

If that is the case, then The King of Cups could be advising Mikoto to be careful because someone within his life isn’t acting in good faith. Instead, someone is manipulating his situation to suit their own means. So, even if he isn’t yet aware of how this is being done or by who, he should be diligent and question any favors being asked of him or even any spontaneous favors being done for him.

In every situation he should be pondering things like, “Is this too good to be true?”, “How does this help me?”, “How does it help them?”, “Why would they want to do something like this?” etc. In order to avoid possibly being taken advantage of. It also implies that the person in his life that has become this way was not always like that. They usually had a grasp of their emotions and responded to things calmly. However, lately they have become manipulative and emotionally controlling.

They are seeking vengeance and vindication, an impulse they’d usually be able to control. All for the aim of administering punishment.

This card stays the same throughout the spreads because Mikoto’s situation hasn’t changed; only the person or system administering punishment has. Mikoto possibly went from one form of punishment directly to another. Something that could be supported by the repeated use of this line,

“I won’t forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right.”

“So, I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right.”

The only line both Mikoto’s seem to agree on and sing being one that implies they’re being disproportionately or wrongfully punished is definitely something that the tarot highlights more. Especially given how this card stays consistent throughout both spreads, but the meaning changes greatly based on the last card in the second spread being Death, a sign of new beginnings and chances.

Even though there is a chance of him being incorrectly punished, there is also a high chance that he’ll be able to get a second chance and start fresh. Which is literally what voting in Milgram is about.

So, while I personally believe this is the correct interpretation. As always, we’re going to go through every possible option.

This card could also be representative of Mikoto. In that case, it would be advising him that his perspective has become too skewed in one direction. He’s no longer thinking of the consequences of his actions or how they may affect others. Anger and the idea of getting revenge is restricting his judgement. Even though following through on this impulse would feel great or vindicating in the short term, it won’t go well in the long run.

It advises him to try to regain balance between his logic and emotions again. When it comes to careers, a focus of Mikoto’s, this card can also allude to continuing to work somewhere even though it is no longer fulfilling. It’s basically another sign that he needs to introspect and take stock of his emotions before acting in any way. Similarly to what the Five of Swords advised.

Now, the last and most interesting of the interpretations one can draw from this card in the Celtic Spread is this being how Mikoto views himself and how it impacts his situation.

By that logic, that would mean Mikoto thinks he’s a rather terrible and demanding person. This would also explain the gap between his conscious and subconscious as depicted by the cards drawn.

His Conscious card alluding to the fact that he’s attempting to remain amicable while his Subconscious one suggests he knows that behaving this way is unbeneficial. These two states of being begin to make some sense if we consider this card as representing his feelings towards himself. If he already believes he’s being demanding or too much, he wouldn’t really start asking for more or complaining about his situation. More than likely, he'd lean into being more amicable and useful just to feel like he’s not being troublesome and, in some way, justify being where he’s managed to get.

This would create a cycle of overworking to prove his own worth then feeling taken advantage of as a result. Ultimately, feeling like a worse or more demanding person because if he didn’t want to do these things he could’ve just said no, he could’ve just stopped. That was always an option and logically he has no one but himself to blame for not taking it. However, the imbalance between his emotional state removes saying “No” from the table entirely.

Let’s go back to the Queen of Swords. Yeah, remember how the Queen of Swords basically suggested Mikoto had an issue but was incapable of conveying it? This card gives us a clearer understanding of what that issue is. In fact, this card may be the last piece to discern what the conflict was.

From all the information we have on Mikoto- The new job, the tarot cards, the lyrics in MeMe; they all point to one thing. Mikoto was accepted to what should have been his dream job. His goal all along, a respectable job at a highly renowned company. It’s everything he’d been working towards but he was never working towards getting that job while taking himself fully into consideration. He didn’t want this job. He was just acting logically while ignoring his feelings on the matter.

In the Portal Timeline Post from 20/07/15 during a conversation with Amane; Mikoto says this when asked if he feels studying is enjoyable,

“Not at all! It’s just a means to an end. I only did the bare minimum needed to get into a good company. Even when it came to enrolling into college I sought out an arts university with low subject requirements. Then from there I studied curation and- Uh, you probably wouldn’t know what any of those terms are yet, huh? Hmm, since your way of speaking is so mature, I sometimes forget I need to explain myself properly instead of assuming you’d just know.”*

After being assured by Amane that if there’s anything she wants more clarity on she’ll just look into it herself and asked if he’s good at drawing he responds,

“No, not really… Of course I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s considered an arts university, there’s still subjects where one wouldn’t need to draw at all. I’m the sort of person that likes to keep things efficient if I can. So, I worked backwards. First I looked into what sort of occupation I wanted to go into then chose subjects related to that occupation to study like direction and management~ …Ah, wait I’m doing it again…”*

*The translation here has been altered by me to add more clarity the direct translation can be found here.

How does this show that Mikoto wasn’t taking into account his personal feelings when it came to pursuing his occupation? He never really says or shows enthusiasm towards the occupation he chose. He doesn’t really particularly believe he’s good at art. His focus when discussing studying wasn’t enjoyment of the process but instead a focus on a particular outcome. That outcome being employment.

Mikoto’s main focus throughout his school life wasn’t finding anything he enjoyed doing but finding the most secure path to stable employment.

This sort of mentality is commonly found in individuals who grew up in households that underwent financial stress or were impoverished. A more recent and extreme example of this mentality has been Kobeni from Chainsaw Man. However, I’m not suggesting Mikoto’s case is that extreme in the slightest.

Kobeni is forced to work life endangering and degrading jobs and send all her money back to her family to support her other siblings. Her situation is extreme and clear fiscal abuse. However, Mikoto isn’t as far off from Kobeni as one would believe.

Did you know that children raised in poverty tend to become adults with an inclination towards more extravagant items? They spend more than their peers who were more well off than them once reaching adulthood. This is due to a lot of factors. However, to put it simply once they get a job of their own and have fiscal security and control some will play catch up trying to experience all the things they didn’t get to growing up.

Like going on trips to amusement parks, buying video game consoles, expensive phones, clothing. They could even begin to enjoy shopping as a hobby even favoring expensive/luxury items that they may have had very little access to while younger like bubble tea, horse-meat sashimi. All things Mikoto admits to liking in his interrogation.

Q.18 What are your favorite foods?

Mikoto: Horse-meat sashimi, pasta and bubble tea.

Q.07 What are your hobbies?

Mikoto: shopping / darts / photography / cycling

Many children who grow up in poverty aren’t afforded the same emotional luxuries as their wealthier counterparts. This includes individuals that are not only rich but the middle class as well. Living outside of poverty allows many people to have hope in their futures and the belief that they have more than one option.

This leads to the next issue with growing up in poverty. People’s parents expect them to do better than they did. At times, even seeing their children not as children but a means to get themselves out of poverty. There’s this pressure, intended or not, to do well and not cause problems. Because the child usually sees how their parents struggle financially and either wish to avoid making them worry or avoid turning out like them.

Q.16 What’s your relationship like with your parents?

Mikoto: My parents are divorced. I get along well with my mother though, she’s the one who raised me. I don’t want to make her worry.

This could end up making a person continually feel the need to validate their worth through material objects and accolades.

Q.08 What’s the most rewarding part of your current job?

Mikoto: I mean, it’s the top advertising agency in the industry? Anyone would be proud to be a part of it. I put a lot of work in just to get here, too.

Because these accolades and expensive purchases serve to show their peers that they’re not helplessly unrefined, they’re not broke, they are a fully grown self-sustainable adult. They can afford to eat an expensive dish or two and of course they’re fashionable. That’s just to be expected. I mean, come on they aren’t that helpless or unpopular. It’s only natural that they can do this much.

Ever heard the saying a poor man acts rich but a rich man acts poor? Or as the bible put it; One man pretends to be rich but has nothing; another pretends to be poor but has great wealth? It’s this concept, personified.

To appear on the same level as one’s peers one will flaunt wealth they don’t have. Some African Americans even refer to this as keeping up with the Jones’.

Isn’t it odd that Mikoto seems to have such expensive taste but lives in a minimalistic apartment with a record player on the cheaper side and throughout his MV we see him wearing the same outfit each day? Despite many of the others within Milgram, outside of Mu who’s in uniform for the most part, changing clothes multiple times. Even Futa is shown to have a closet of clothes in his MV. We see Mikoto wearing the same outfit outside and evening wear throughout all of MeMe.

Though maybe we’ll see him in some other clothes during Double.

The only things within his apartment are what appears to be a fold out couch, a single or “Double” sized bed, a desk off in the corner given the chair, and his television and the stand it’s on which is literally not a stand but a table.

It’s the other table we see within his mental space at the beginning of MeMe.

If he works from home, then the most expensive thing in his home would be his apple computer that we see on the desk he’s resting on in Undercover.

If that is, in fact, located within an office at his company and not within his home the most expensive thing that he owns is his television.

Now that I think about it, aren’t some of Mikoto’s hobbies strange, like maybe the way he gets to work?

To continue to put up an appearance of affluence, many people will sacrifice certain modern luxuries. You know, like biking instead of taking the train to work. In Japan, depending on the district, the train costs money. Money that Mikoto may not be able to afford.

Just like with buses in the states. Some people may find a one-time expense like buying a bike more beneficial and financially efficient in the long term than paying the fare each day or getting a car, which is expensive by itself and requires one to constantly pay for gas. Considering all this, it is likely that Mikoto grew up in a not so financially stable situation.

This would, of course, cause him to have more anxieties around losing his job and falling back into poverty as a result than being wrongfully arrested for murder. Did you know poor people are falsely imprisoned for crimes all the time? Just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The wrong place usually being the neighborhoods they live in.

This could easily tie into what Mikoto says when he says Es and Milgram are mistaken. He proposes that they “Um, they got the wrong person. I can’t imagine they’d know the details of what we look like. They mistook me for someone else in terms of gender or clothing style. Something along those lines.”

Mikoto comes out the gate saying he was wrongfully profiled and is now undergoing a false arrest. Which, at least when concerning US law is completely true. Everyone being in Milgram would be considered a false arrest. Technically, they don’t have enough probable cause to arrest any of them, let alone incarcerate them for long stretches of time. Mikoto and Amane seem to be the ones who notice this the fastest. They also don’t share this information with the class.

Kazui assumes Milgram is tied to an organization of some sort- possibly military related- and is afraid to see who’s pulling the strings. His assumption leans towards the concept of higher governmental powers being associated with Milgram. Kotoko’s volition to align herself with the system showcases that her and Kazui may be a bit more delusional than Mikoto or Amane. The fact that Kazui and Kotoko hold Milgram in high regard is indicative of their own self-aggrandizing natures.

Mikoto and Amane, two people who seem to have been humbled by life, know for certain that the system doesn’t care enough about them to intervene here. Amane, from the situation with her family’s cult, and Mikoto from literally just being alive, at all. Jackalope says Mikoto is like mass-produced goods in the version of Es’ voice drama translation that I’ve seen. The closest thing to that in American English and what I took it to mean was that Mikoto was a dime a dozen.

Kazui and Kotoko both think since this facility caught them then it must be strong. It has to be tied to something important, meaning it can either give them the power or the punishment they’re seeking. “Why would they or their individual actions matter to a facility such as that?” Is a question that never once occurs to them while thinking over what Milgram may or may not be. The both of them willfully fail to grasp what Es has been saying, that Milgram is Milgram and is disconnected from the law that they know.

There are so many people out there like Mikoto that we’d just refer to them as society at that point. Yet, that makes him easily replaceable; he’s not exceptional or one in a million. He’s not special and Jackalope asserts this immediately. It doesn’t matter how many talents Mikoto has or how hard he works. In every system, he’s just an office worker, the smallest cog in the world’s biggest machine where you’re either hated by people unluckier than you (the unemployed) or belittled and harassed by those above you (management, CEOs, rich people).

Because far be it for an office worker to complain about workload or long hours. Did they forget how replaceable they are? They should be happy companies don’t have a machine do all their work to save on costs of labor. The company’s money puts food on their table and keeps their utilities on. So, be happy because it could just as easily find someone more grateful to sit in that chair you’ve grown so used to. The company works you like a dog, feeds you scraps, and if you whine or cause trouble takes you out back to put you down.

That’s just how business works. Then on top of that, he has these kids asking him why he’s such a sellout/kiss ass. Going I only smile when I want to smile. Well good for you. Then at the notion that behaving in this way may be necessary for survival for some adults just going being an adult is tough, huh? Not for everyone.

Not for most of the people in Milgram actually. It wouldn’t even be difficult for Futa to get a job out of college given that his father could give him a recommendation. He could even buff up his resume by doing some work for his older sister as well if necessary. Mu’s family is rich and Yuno’s family is well off, given she admits to living not just with her mom and brother but both of her grandparents as well. That’s at least five people under one roof and she still has her own separate bedroom as seen in Umbilical.

Kazui has been discrete about showing his home life and I kind of doubt the flat we see in Half is where he lives. Yet, even if it is, he’s living in a more affluent complex than Mikoto. He’s in a high-rise with a balcony. His first trial song implies he goes to see stage plays and he wears expensive suits while on stage. Kazui is good, he’s doing fine. That’s not even going into how difficult it is to retire in most countries now but he’s just sitting on his ass at home before he winds up in Milgram to his own admission at 39 years old.

Q.15 What time do you go to sleep and wake up?

Kazui: Since I’m not working, I’m able to do whatever I feel like. I just sleep when I feel tired, and I usually wake up in the morning sometime.

There are people in their seventies still working in Japan. He's not even that fucking old, how does he have this much free time?! What the fuck did he do for a living to retire before fifty?! The fact that he studied multiple forms of martial arts speaks for how well off he was. Since training in those costs money and he trained in three forms of them. His family is probably also rich and that’s the reason he’d be a disappointment to them.

If they put all this money into his upbringing and he’s just a playboy, yeah, I’d be disappointed too. Even worse, he could be at home with a bunch of free time because his family ran a company and he’s now inherited their wealth. He said they considered him an embarrassment, not that they disowned him! Hell, if they consider him such an embarrassment and they’re established in any way they could just as easily be sending him money, so he stays out of trouble or at least doesn’t bring trouble to them.

Despite saying his family considers him an embarrassment he goes on to say his family structure is only him now. Which is vague because they can’t find you an embarrassment if they aren’t around anymore. A lot of Kazui’s answers conflict with each other. Though in this case, family could be referring to two different types, like the family that raised him and then the family he created himself. He also mentions his friend multiple times.

Saying that he has a childhood friend he looks up to and respects. Yet when asked, “Who do you want to see right now?” he answers, “They won’t see me anymore.” It’s implied later from question 17 that Kazui’s friend isn’t the one that won’t see him anymore since he answers, “Relax and go trawling. The childhood friend I mentioned before has a boat.”

I don’t know why anyone who knows someone won’t see them anymore would make plans with them if the world was ending.

Though let’s save all of Kazui’s inconsistencies for later. Basically, everyone else in Milgram is here like good thing we’re all middle class with big homes that have multiple rooms, being given allowances by our parents, or just still living with them. That or they are expressly rich in some cases. Oh, or they’re doctors, going to law school, or an old man that went to a sports university who openly states he has nothing but free time now anyway.

If I was there and wasn’t trying to be nice or understanding, I would want to kill everyone in that prison outside Amane. These well-off bastards really did just kill people because they were fucking bored or offended. Then some have the audacity to go why not just speak/behave honestly? Hm, maybe because saying what one really feels can get them fired and there’s a very small divider between unemployment and homelessness.

This dude is in Milgram like ha, ha funny joke guys if I don’t get to work soon though I will end up homeless- I’ll have to move back in with my mother at best, showing her that I’m a failure as a son and person who couldn’t hack it as an adult or at worst, live on the street. Ha, ha if I lose my job, you better take responsibility warden. Every hour this dude spends in Milgram is an hour he is not getting paid. It's been two years; his shit is probably on the street or was taken by his landlord if it was worth enough.

Even though the everyone is dead theory would be the most boring resolution to this debacle, I hope it’s true because he definitely has nowhere to go back to at this point. I was recently joking about Mikoto’s landlord being Mu’s dad. He’s probably already exported all Mikoto’s furniture.

Now, in 2022 the homeless population in Japan was rounded off to be 0%. This is because the homeless population in Japan currently sits at a little over three thousand people. This is far less than other countries but the 0% here does not mean no homeless individuals exist. This drop in homelessness was related to the pandemic. In response to Covid-19 cybercafes in Japan were shutdown. This was a bit of an issue since most of the homeless there used these cafes for shelter.

In order to fix this issue, they allowed homeless people to take residence in empty hotels and began working on reforms to fight against homelessness. Which is great news, but Mikoto wouldn’t know that. So, his concern is very much still valid. If he believes he didn’t kill anyone and this mistake will all be sorted out of course it makes more sense for him to concern himself with what may happen after.

Viewing it that way, it is reasonable for this to be his biggest concern. Because he can’t live here forever, and he has responsibilities as he keeps saying; HE’S A WORKING ADULT!

Unlike everyone else within Milgram. Kazui has no job, Shidou has job security and is considered an essential worker outside of Milgram, and EVERYONE ELSE IS NOT A WORKING ADULT! Even counting Yuno for the work she does- She’s more financially well off than Mikoto and still living with her family. It would be nice for people to grasp what it means to have your entire life and fiscal safety banking on who likes you or how well you perform. Along with the amount of mental stress that can put a person under.

This ties into the first interpretation of the King of Cups as well. Where we went over why this card possibly remains the same throughout both readings, “This card stays the same because throughout the spreads Mikoto’s situation hasn’t changed only the person or system administering punishment has.”

In the end Mikoto has still moved from one situation where he had no control over his life or feelings to another.

Before Mikoto is brought into Milgram, he’s just a 23-year-old office employee that lives alone in a small apartment. He has no one to financially depend on but himself. Unlike other characters. He either doesn’t have this support because he doesn’t want to make his family worry and hasn’t asked, or his family doesn’t have it like that anyway and wouldn’t be able to help. He didn’t live his life this way because of low self-esteem or a lack of faith in himself.

It was a meticulously planned out response for the sole purpose of avoiding poverty. He literally could not afford to dream.

Okay, okay Gunsli but is poverty in Japan really that similar to that in other countries? Well according to Japan Today, The Nippon Foundation, and The Borgen Project; yes. Yes, it is.

An article on The Borgen Project website titled “10 Facts about Poverty in Japan” from July 12 of 2020 states,

“1. Less than one percent of Japan is homeless. As of 2018, Japan has a population of 126.5 million people. According to the latest Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare statistics, Japan’s current homelessness figure stands below 5,000. This is a steady decline from nearly 26,000 people without homes in 2003. While this appears to be a remarkable feat of social reform, the truth is that the Japanese government commits millions of dollars every year to ensure homelessness remains low. The goal is to ensure that the Japanese economy appears strong. In reality, poverty in Japan is increasing. The dozens of government reforms Japan enacts each year are extremely costly and are approaching unsustainability.”

This is the same percentage we highlighted in the previous statement regarding homelessness. That information came from Tomorrow City in an article titled “HOMELESSNESS IN JAPAN: THE COUNTRY WITH THE SMALLEST PERCENTAGE OF HOMELESS PEOPLE” published on December 13, 2022. The Borgen article goes on to state,

“2. Japan is “the most equal major society” in terms of wealth distribution. According to the Statista Research Department, a total of 92% of the Japanese population has anywhere from $10,000 to $1 million in either assets or wealth. On paper, these figures appear to demonstrate an extremely healthy economy; however, they hide the fact that poverty in Japan is well over 16%. The notion that 92% of Japanese citizens fall into some category of “wealthy” may be misleading, serving as a straw-man statistic booster.

“3. A rising percentage of individuals in Japan are poverty-stricken. Japan has seen a huge and sudden rise in poverty and poor economic conditions, especially since 2012. According to The Guardian, 3.5 million Japanese children live in poverty-stricken homes. Since 1991, poverty has increased as a systemic problem for Japan, reaching 16.3% this past year. This figure could continue to rise dramatically as the working population decreases.”

And

“5. Japan pours a ton of resources into battling unemployment. Poverty in Japan entered an unprecedented era of severity after a major drop in workforce members in 1991. Before 1991, unemployment hovered just below 2% for decades, then rose drastically to nearly 6% by 2002. In fact, this singular event nearly toppled Japan as a world economic leader. Today, Japan has returned to a nearly 2% unemployment rate, although the country has had to pour a huge amount of financial resources in order to accomplish this stabilization. The country still has not fully recovered.”

The Nippon Foundation Article titled “Addressing Child Poverty” that briefly goes over research results from December 2015 that analyzed how childhood poverty negatively impacted Japan overall states,

“Japan’s rate of child poverty is above the OECD average. Overall, the rate has been rising since the 1980’s, and today one in seven children lives in poverty. The child poverty rate shows the percentage of children under the age of 18 who live in relative poverty. Relative poverty is defined as having income of less than one-half the national median disposable income, which for a household of one parent and one child means a monthly income (including public assistance) of 140,000 yen or less. Children raised in these households are at an extreme disadvantage in terms of medical care, meals, schooling, and prospects for higher education, and there is a clear trend of these children being unable to escape from poverty in the future.”

It then goes on to state that these children in poverty are technically costing the government more money and hurting the overall economy so it should be fixed. Which well they’ve got the spirit I guess- Anyway, JapanToday published an article on June 12, 2022 titled “Poverty in Japan Spreading and Deepening” that stated,

“TOKYO- Working 12 hours a day six days a week, Tohoku taxi driver “Junpei Noda” (a pseudonym) earned 280,000 yen a month. He didn’t know how well off he was.

It’s barely a living wage, but living with his parents he got by all right. But at 45 he’d had enough of his parents. One day, “on an impulse,” he left, went to Tokyo, flung himself into the arms of fate – which received him coldly. Six months later COVID-19 struck, dashing the hopes of this casual laborer who thought he’d found a haven of sorts working part-time at a ramen restaurant.

Poverty in Japan is spreading and deepening, says Spa (May 24-31). The pandemic was bad enough. Now there’s Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, with the worldwide economic havoc it’s wreaking. The poor get poorer, the near-poor go under, and indigence becomes a hole that almost anyone, given a bad move or a bad break – or a pandemic, or a war – can fall into – tomorrow if not today, next month if not this.”

Going on to state,

“Single mothers, pensioners and the precariously employed are especially vulnerable. “Yumi Iikura,” 48, raises two teenage daughters on her earnings as a nursing home caregiver. Sometimes working 15-hour shifts through the night until 9 a.m., she barely covers household expenses of 200,000 yen a month. Soaring gas prices are the latest jolt. A car might seem a dispensable luxury, but isn’t. Distance from her workplace is the price she pays for affordable rent. The 50-km commute was a tolerable nuisance. Now it’s a financial catastrophe.”

So, yes, poverty is a problem and tends to be one in most countries regardless of how affluent they look from the outside.

If Mikoto’s family didn’t have money, how was he ever going to go to an expensive college? Was he supposed to get a baseball scholarship? Ever consider he tried that and that’s why he says this,

Q.02 Have you ever played baseball?

Mikoto: I was really big on it when I was in high school. Though I wasn’t particularly good at it or anything. Even now if I’m feeling pent up from work, I still sometimes practice swinging.

An article published on September 23, 2021 by Asia Options titled “Unlocking Sports Opportunities in Japan” states,

“Many universities will offer their students, who have achieved a high level of athletic achievement, financial support through the awarding of scholarships. Scholarships for high performing athletes provide financial aid ranging from 50,000 to 100,000 yen for individual athletes and scholarships organised for university sports teams.”

Could it be he picked up baseball in high school not because he liked it but because it could possibly lead to a scholarship? Yet, it didn’t, so now he considers himself not very good at it. Because if he were good at it then he would’ve gotten a scholarship, right?

So, it’s not difficult to imagine him internalizing not being good enough if this is an avenue he pursued.

Sport Universities are briefly touched on in one of Kazui’s statements. On 20/06/07 when Amane asks Kazui to help her study he says,

Kazui: Hm? Haha, asking yet another question that’s hard to answer. I mean, I did graduate from university, so I’d say I’m reasonably…… ah, but it was just a sports university so maybe not…… I’m not especially confident.

Hm, I wonder if Kazui the six-foot wall was able to get a sports scholarship- Nah, sports scholarships and height have no proven correlation. This is sarcasm there is a correlation. Height is something that is generally valued when it comes to sports.

So, when committing the murders using the bat may not be Mikoto tarnishing something he loved but using one failure to take care of another. Really illustrating that, “My life, it wasn’t meant to be this way” line.

Baseball failed, his back up failed, everything was falling apart and no matter how he planned nothing seemed to work out as it should. No matter how amicable he tried to be, how flexible or helpful he attempted to come off as things kept going wrong. So, why not take out two of his frustrations at once?

“If I’m feeling pent up from work I still sometimes practice swinging.”

Something I find the most telling is Mikoto never lists Drawing or Baseball as a hobby even though he does them both. Instead, he chooses Cycling, Photography, Darts, and Shopping. Hobbies are something an individual usually does for fun because they like those things. These are the things he blatantly tells us he finds fun.

Even going as far to pick a completely different form of visual art and another sport. Supporting the idea that baseball and drawing may have just been another means to an end.

Wait- but Gunsli, Mikoto went to college, he graduated; if he was really poor, he wouldn’t have been able to go at all, right? Mikoto states to Amane,

“Even when it came to enrolling into college I sought out an arts university with low subject requirements.”

If the requirements to enroll were low than chances are Mikoto went to one Japan’s public colleges. Which would explain why when questioned about his drawing abilities he stated,

“No, not really… Of course, I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s considered an arts university, there’s still subjects where one wouldn’t need to draw at all.”

It isn’t weird for Mikoto to have taken an entrance exam for a public college either since public colleges within Japan can still have entrance exams.

This is Mikoto’s issue, it’s not one singular thing, it’s his entire life. Just like he said in his first trial line,

“My life, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

This is also why he can’t complain because in a way he recognizes he did it to himself.

“If I could end, if I could stop how long would this dream go on?”

“If I could break it, if I could change- Can I do it? I wonder from when I started to give up. If I could lose it, if I could choose- Is this selfish? This isn’t too much is it?”

8/Outside Influences: 5 of Wands Reversed

In Mikoto’s tarot deck, the five of wands is represented by baseball bats in front of a red and blue moon. Keeping consistent with the format shown in the Ten of Wands. Throughout the tarot deck we see several interpretations of the moon. The Red Moon on the Devil and fool card, the Blue and Yellow moon seen on the Magician, the red and blue moon seen throughout most card iterations, the Yellow with a tinge of red moon on the five of swords, and the bluish black moon shown on the fool card.

Now, we’re going to go back to the King of Cups and Hangman cards for a moment. The Hangman was covered in the first set of five for this spread reading. Both of which are impressively long, but even if one was to read it to completion, it’s been a minute between posts. So, I doubt that information would be at the top of anyone’s mind at this point. We did go over these three colors before though. Yellow, Red, and Blue.

These are three colors prominently associated with the hangman card. I stated this in part one.

“The hangman is also associated with the motif colors of both of the Kayanos seen in MeMe. Red and Blue. It is also associated with yellow. In versions of the card the Hangman is depicted with golden blonde hair, yellow shoes, red pants and a blue shirt. The red is meant to represent the passion of humanity and the human form while the blue represents calm and reflective emotions. The yellow on the Hangman’s personage is meant to represent his intellect.”

Now since this is the first card of the spread, I had no way of knowing how important that minor detail would become. I’m not a walking encyclopedia of tarot knowledge. Nor do I have MeMe memorized from front to back. However, these colors begin to appear more integral the more the spread and the song are investigated. Particularly when it comes to the moons displayed with Mikoto’s design and the two’s association with them.

From this angle, we can discern which card is representative of what person. This is alluded to in MeMe when Mikoto sees his double through the mirror and the eyes on the tarot cards. Now if we consider the eyes on the cards to represent societal pressures and being observed by forces outside oneself. Something that is showcased more during trial 2. Particularly with the use of eyes in Backdraft, though all of the Milgram trial songs have eye imagery or imagery alluding to being watched throughout them.

Amane watching her music video near the end of Magic, Kazui being both a performer and audience member in Half, Shidou through the looks of his patients’ relatives, Yuno through the eyes of the plush rabbit in Tear Drop and the balloons in Umbilical.

I’ll cut to explain this one for a bit, because it can come off as vague or subjective. Firstly, yes, I do mean the balloons. The balloons shown throughout Umbilical represent Yuno’s relationship with society. One that seems to be of a give and take nature at a glance. Though when looked into, more alludes to a one-sided control since Yuno is the one shown to be blowing up and releasing these balloons.

This fits with the information we received from her second voice drama in regards to her being in these relationships for money and with the line we see in Tear Drop “The wanted wanting the wanter. The overlap, isn’t that some sort of perfection?” There’s a relationship in the Milgram novel quite similar to the one Yuno is describing here.

The prisoner by the name of Close discussed in the novel gets into a romantic relationship with the person harassing their close friend. Also, unimportant side note, really shady morality going on with that novel can’t believe the protagonist was voted innocent despite everything that happened being unmistakably her fault. Worst experiment ever, Jackalope was right, that thing was boring. However, the relationship between this guy and Close is one of service like the one Yuno’s statement implies.

They’re together because one has something the other wants. Close is only able to be with them because she is shown to be a threat capable of putting a stop to their desires. He realizes that Close likes him, probably because the one person she’s downright stated telling about it told him, if you know then you know.

The novel tries to cheekily cover up who told him this information by just saying I heard from someone but Close literally discusses in great detail who she talks to about this guy regularly. Even stating she may be talking about him to this person to an annoying degree. Regardless of who he overheard discussing it and when, he knows about her little crush and is willing to use it as a means of creating a scenario where they both win.

He offers to date her as long as she doesn’t report what he’s been doing to the teachers. Which she agrees to; she is not a victim in this situation and goes on to help him with his harassment of this other student. Just saying, she could have said no and been grossed out by his stalker behavior; instead she chose to use the upper hand she had for her own benefit then like foisted all the blame on this guy. Something multiple characters throughout the book do despite those same people having multiple opportunities to stop him before it got to that point.

Like, incredibly fucked up that they sat back, complacent in not stopping trouble from happening and then just claim victimhood once it does. Milgram book really had me fucked up, I was annoyed. However, in this case it’s helpful. At least when deciphering this line, “The wanted wanting the wanter.”

The wanted wanting the wanter. This means that whoever Yuno was interested in wanted her but only in one aspect like in the circumstances with Close. This is alluded to in Umbilical with the lines at the end, “Are we over? Please don’t answer. What do you want to do? Please tell me.”

Now at this point, I’m pretty much certain Yuno was partaking in pregnancy entrapment or at least attempting to. It’s been heavily alluded to if not all but stated Yuno on top of being an escort/rental girlfriend may have been partaking in sex work. I don’t know how it is where anyone else lives but where I live if a sex worker gets pregnant by one of their clients that’s a bit of an issue.

Especially since it’s usually not just assumed but at points expressly stated that they should be or will be using contraceptive. Such as the pill, that one thing they can literally put in a persons arm to stop them from getting pregnant, or female/male condoms. Yes, there are female condoms though having a male wear one is usually viewed as easier. They work similarly to tampons as in yeah it’s going in there but know what isn’t sperm.

The reason why these things are usually heavily considered is because a lot of patrons/customers of sex workers are married; at times even having multiple children or households already. So, avoiding kids is well incredibly important to not turn into a homewrecker. Yuno says the person most like her is Kazui someone known for hiding his feelings and being too cowardly to act on them, to his own admission.

Yuno laments about not being capable of being the sort of girl the one she likes is interested in. In Umbilical after she says she finally found it being a pregnancy and she goes into saying I messed up I found out she can be heard laughing and giggling to herself behind those lines. She’s pretending to be upset with the news that she’s pregnant because if it wasn’t an accident on her part and she is a sex worker than that makes it sexual assault.

Something that could easily ruin her reputation when it comes to doing that sort of work and stop her from getting money. Since that’s something generally frowned upon everywhere even when a person isn’t paying to have sex with someone else. She probably even used being 18 as an excuse for her error. Despite people familiar with Milgram knowing Yuno is a lot of things but uninformed isn’t one of them.

She quickly calls out adults like Mikoto, Kazui, and Kotoko. Recognizing quite quickly that Kotoko’s actions in the long run won’t change anything. Yet she states doing something out in the open like that won’t change anything, not that behaving in that way won’t lead to change. No, she basically goes showing your full ass like that, what an ignorant thing to do now everyone knows how you really are and will be wary. So, manipulating things discretely seems to be what Yuno does more so. She’s one to spring a pregnancy on a man and ask what do you want to do now. Despite the answer being rather obvious if she was a sex worker.

Like um not to be harsh, but I paid you for a service under the assumption that you were using contraceptive, possibly because you said you were. This is like if I paid someone to do house renovations and they got injured doing them; it’s like I thought you were going to take necessary precautions because you’re a professional, that’s why I hired you. What do you mean what am I going to do about this? Pay your medical bills, you fucked yourself up on your own equipment. They would have me fucked up, this is a job; the fucking sex work is work.

That means just as much as the worker can be exploited so can the customer. Especially if they have family and are secretly patrons to a specific worker cause that can be used as blackmail material for more money. Everyone is like Yuno got an abortion that’s her murder but do you know how fucked up it is she got pregnant to begin with if she’s a sex worker? Like has no one thought of the implications there.

What crazy adult that possibly has a family and is paying for sex is gonna be like, “No I really want to have this in the most unsafe way possible contraceptive be damned I want to ruin my life tonight. I want my kids to know I’m trash of the worst caliber and I’m gonna make sure the kids you have with me know too. I’m not loyal. I can’t pull nobody with just my personality so my money has to speak real loudly.” Then he just spends several minutes crying after like a bitch which is why in Tear Drop she’s like “Just smile.” So much.

I’m getting distracted talking about Yuno again. However, in Umbilical we see multiple balloons of different colors outside of Yuno’s. That seem to represent her clients. Presents highlighted with inverted colors also appear on the staircase. Those probably signify or are gifts the men Yuno has done this to have given her. Here are the shots that show balloons outside of Yuno’s.

The balloons also appear near the different versions of Yuno we see throughout Umbilical and Tear Drop. Possibly trying to show us which presentation of Yuno her clients favored or the ones associated with that outfit choice. The red and yellow balloons appear next to both Yuno in her school uniform and how we see her dressed in the car during Tear Drop. Alluding to more than one client knowing about both.

So, that’s super fun. Given people have been assuming that each Yuno represent separate clients. Instead of, well, the other option of her dressing to suit particular clients tastes and more than one person being able to enjoy her presenting a certain way. So, like with Mikoto here, all the characters have something alluding to the appearance they put on in front of others and how they actually feel during their songs.

Some prisoners are just blunter than others. Unlike Shidou and Yuno using balloons, gifts, and flowers. Given all of this, it wouldn’t be a stretch to speculate the moon could represent their own gaze. Since the balloons in Umbilical and the other versions of Yuno in Tear Drop can be used to represent both her and her clients, there isn’t much reason for the same logic to not be applicable here.

Jackalope claims in the second trial commencement notice that Milgram cannot restrain the other Mikoto unless he is out. However, we see Mikoto observe the other one in MeMe through the mirror then very promptly just forget about it because dissociative amnesia is bitch like that. The moon would be a good way to represent which one is currently out and who is just spectating or in the background. Ha, get it because it’s literally a part of the background of the cards.

This would serve to explain why the moon in The Fool card is so odd. Though it has edges of Mikoto’s light blue it also has darkened out spots that could very well symbolize him not being entirely aware or able to observe. Either because he blocked it out or other factors have caused him to not be able to see or remember it. Meaning the double would be out and in control at this time. The same moon on the Hangman can also be seen the beneath the hooves of the horse on the death card.

However, that means when it comes to The Devil card the one fronting would be Mikoto. Basically, all cards with a red moon in the background would be indicating the double is taking the backseat and the blue one would be indicating Mikoto is taking the backseat. Then what about the Yellow moon does this mean there’s a third Mikoto confirmed? One, dual personality representation is hard to come by, two they have really leaned into the whole Double thing, three we literally just went over how the things used to represent the prisoners in their mind can also be used to represent societies view of them.

Another prime example of that being the graffiti in Backdraft-

Perfectly illustrating how ones self-image can be impacted and warped by external factors. Something Mikoto’s tarot spread alludes to a lot. Now am I against the system idea? No. I’m just stating that certain forms of dissociative identity disorder are represented more than others and for the time being I’m enjoying having the other be represented as well. That and sadly I can’t find a way to stretch it so that more than two of them being around would make sense with the information provided and I’m not going to cherry pick in order to do so.

If anyone else can find facts that align with that, good.

No, in fact I believe it means the exact opposite. The first time the yellow moon is displayed in the tarot cards it is within The Hangman card where we see multiple eyes peering in at the bottom. The only time the moon is fully Yellow is when both Mikoto’s colors are taking a bit of a backseat. This is shown within the Five of swords, Ace of Cups, King of Cups, Queen of Cups, The Magician, The Devil, and for brevity any card depicting a Blue or red moon with bits of yellow.

As we went over during the Hangman depiction, Yellow is representative of intellect. Intellect is usually used to navigate tricky situations throughout life while taking into consideration usually not just the most efficient course but the most emotionally satisfying one for the participant. So, the yellow in the cards could represent this form of planning that Mikoto has shown off and alluded to having throughout trial one.

Further nailing this point home; in Mikoto’s shirt iteration of the card the moon behind the Hangman’s head is fully red with hints of yellow around the edges

Given all of this, it seems to be yet another aspect of society that is heavily impacting how the Mikoto’s view themselves and behave. This is why during its first and most prominent appearance within the deck it is accompanied by eyes and put directly behind an art figure that in the card version appears to be all yellow or at least much lighter than the one shown on the shirt as well. The shirt that has this design also lacks the red and darkish blue sky shown to be surrounding the moon in the card version.

This would mean that in the cards we see the red and blue moon they would be working together, both would be cognizant of what is going on, or both of their mindsets is impacting the situation. This is the same with cards that prominently display both of their colors. So basically, if it has all three of these colors all three are impacting their circumstances, two of those two things are impacting the matter, and so on. The cards with red and blue moons within MeMe are The Ten of Wands, and The Five of Wands.

It seems as though the moon in tarot deck is being used as one big eye. This could mean in cards where it is not present, none of these factors are being heavily affected by someone’s view but if those colors are present the people associated with it are being affected by that card. Such as cards like The Queen of Swords.

Now onto what this means- The Five of Wands finds itself within the outside influences position of this celtic spread. Fittingly for the discussion we just had this card embodies the outside world and how it is impacting the querent’s situation. This is another reason we went through explaining all that with the colors and how yellow may represent society and Mikoto’s attempts to navigate around or within that.

So, what does the Five of Wands mean in that context simply put let’s go over the five of wands shall we-

Context I am still recovering from a mostly all-day outing of seeing the Barbie movie- So, bear with me. Because I want to do this in a bit of unique way. This is because the five of wands is a rather unique card. As such even though it’s reversed I want to go over both meanings. So, we all fully understand the dichotomy of this card and its severity.

The Five of Wands is usually depicted in a few ways. The traditional depiction is several people brandishing five large sticks the wands haphazardly fighting with each other. It can also be interpreted as these people carrying the sticks somewhere as their sticks clash with each other and they all do their own thing. Portraying a clear lack of cohesion and conflict within the group regardless of how one interprets it. The extent of the conflict can range from jovial competitiveness to ones of a more serious nature.

Then there is the modern depiction where there are usually five wands portrayed on the card one being held in the hand of an individual or no one holding them at all. Because this is a Five card there is bound to be conflict. Just like with The Five of Swords, Five of Pentacles, and the Five of Cups. All of which deal with a conflict whether they be emotional or environmental.

However, those cards aren’t conflicts forwards and backwards. The Five of Wands no matter how you turn it is conflict without end. This is why its traditional name is The Lord of Strife. Upright or Reversed you are suffering. There is no Yes for the Five of Wands if you get this in a yes or no tarot. If it is upright it is a maybe, it is a well try it. It is the fuck around and find out of tarot cards.

Now the Five of Wands embodies the necessity of conflict. Not all conflict ends poorly, people are bound to clash with each other and through these disagreements one can within reason foster community, understanding of the individual within the whole, and move forward from it better than where they started from. This is why forwards or backwards the conflict is there, it has not been resolved and it may never be. Because on top of telling the person receiving the reading fucking try it bucko but when you get bucked don’t come saying oh to me- Reversed it is a stark warning to pull back the conflict is over and you are reaching a point in whatever relationship you are in where beyond that you will do irreparable harm. This will cause a permanent break and you should cut your losses and get yourself in check.

The querent is being told to decide whether they want to die on this hill, if they want this relationship to die on this hill, if they’re willing to kill someone over this. If all the answers to those questions are no you wipe your hands of it and move on if you’re Mikoto, well…it’s time to brandish the wand.

Because there’s a real easy way to make your problems disappear and it’s just like magic. Just of a different kind. It’s the magic of you tried the wrong one today, I am ready to die on this hill actually, I have nothing to lose, and I will take you down with me. I am fine with mutual destruction if you met yours first. You think this card is going to fucking stop me?! I’ve been given several very clear warnings before this. In this same spread!

This card wants to fuck around, you want to fuck around well guess what we about to find out together and I’m about to find out how the ground looks with you in it.

Upright, the card highlights that there may be a conflict in the asker’s life. This conflict may already exist or be brewing beneath the surface just about to bubble over. It can allude to competition in areas that the querent is not used to such as work or school. In this new environment the asker may interact with people that have the same talents who will stir up feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, envy, and greed leading to internal conflicts.

In this situation the upright Five of Wands recommends that the person asking accepts these new forms of competition as a way of bettering themselves and to let go of any malice they hold towards these new people in their life.

The Five of Wands also suggests that there may be communication problems within a team due to a situation in which everyone wants to be heard but no one is really listening to anyone else. This may lead to miscommunications, animosity forming within the team, and no one being heard overall. Ultimately causing tension and anger to accumulate until the breaking point.

Upright the Five of Wands suggest for the person asking to mediate. Get the group to talk about their misgivings and possible insecurities to hopefully resolve them. Now, I bet a good deal of people are starting to get why this is reversed from the other cards in Mikoto’s spread. Firstly, we know that he’s possibly been having trouble communicating from The Queen of Swords and he’s not feeling generous with his communication skills not really wanting to use them for the benefit of whatever group he’s in as seen through The King of Cups.

So, we’ve hit the breaking point already, whatever conflict has arisen is already a dead end which leads us to the Five of Wands reversed-

Wait, don’t go leaving now! The Five of Wands reversed mixed with the past card being the Wheel of Fortune reversed gives us a clearer idea of what occurred here. Back when we were interpreting the past card the Wheel of Fortune reversed we said it could represent that the querent has been having tough times but they may be passing soon. Because it reminds everyone that all things in life will pass, regardless of if they are good or bad.

However, a tarot spread is not just it’s parts but the sum of them. Since the Five of Wands is here and expressly states that the conflict could be brewing below the surface or already occurred that gives more context to the Wheel of Fortune. Telling us that the conflict implied through the Five of Wands and the difficulties that the Wheel of Fortune was more than likely referring to in Mikoto’s past are the same thing and at the point of this reading it has yet to be resolved.

In fact, according to the Five of Wands, instead of resolving the issue Mikoto is doing his best to circumvent it. The Five of Wands in reverse alludes to the querent avoiding all conflict by exiting the situation as quickly as they possibly can, which at times is good but can lead to a lot of animosity and frustration building up internally not only for the other people involved but on the side of the querent as well.

While everyone else involved might be happy and unaware of the issue, the querent could be stewing all on their own with these misgivings and irritations or everyone involved could be as equally miserable. However, considering at least one of his coworkers were willing to meet him after hours at an underpass and didn’t seem too much like man fuck this guy about it- The animosity does not seem shared.

Since the issue has yet to be addressed in a satisfactory way to the them, this is leading to them internalizing their anger which will lead to more problems down the line. There are only so many times that someone can avoid something, hold their tongue, and push down their anger before they end up blowing up at just the wrong time.

Also, behaving in this way doesn’t necessarily stop the behavior that is causing the conflict to cease. It warns that as much as the querent has been avoiding the conflict that they will ultimately have to address it soon. There are many times in life where walking away is an option. Many people are conflict avoidant. The Five of Wands shows up strictly to go now is not the time to be that; stop walking be here, be present, and have this conflict like an adult.

Because avoiding conflict and being amicable one hundred percent of the time is not being a proper adult. Have the conflict set your boundaries because if you don’t it’s going to get worse. Just because a person believes that them saying something for their own benefit will suddenly make them the problem since everyone else is happy doesn’t mean staying quiet is a good thing. Because staying quiet isn’t going to change the fact that they themselves aren’t doing well and no one will know that unless they say something.

However, it becomes incredibly more complicated because what Mikoto was going through was work related. Meaning his feelings frankly don’t matter because that’s just how work environments are. Hence the emphasis on being a “working” adult. So, can a person really stop being amicable if the option is be that or unemployed?

Now we are EIGHT cards deep NINETY-FIVE PAGES into this word document counting everything outside of the tarot! This is in MS Reference Sans Serif font eleven first line indented single line spacing and includes pictures. These pictures are taking up some of these pages so don’t go thinking I’ve done a lot.

However, if you’ve read this far or didn’t want to read this far let’s give a quick rundown before the end. Because this is already long and I don’t know if it will all fit in one post.

So, let’s run this down real quick.

What have we learned from the tarot so far? Mikoto’s life sucks, he was possibly financially unstable most of his life and he saw acquiring steady employment as a way of avoiding financial hardship. So, even if his company was exploitative out the gate, chances are he wouldn’t really have the wherewithal to quit. During this I even joked with another person who likes the series about how funny it would be if Mu’s dad was Mikoto’s landlord.

I discussed why it would be difficult for Mikoto to just leave his job previously when highlighting the tarot before, but this adds to that difficulty while showcasing the environmental factors that would lead Mikoto to making the decisions he did and viewing himself the way he does. This also serves to reckon with the fact that he went undiagnosed for so long. It’s not only that Dissociative Identity Disorder is difficult to diagnose, there’s also the financial factors around pursuing diagnosis and mental health treatment in any country.

Things like that take multiple sessions with a therapist to even break into. Something that, if not covered by one’s insurance provider, could cost hundreds of dollars for just one hour. Mikoto is 23 when he’s incarcerated in Milgram, this leaves him right in the vague generational area between 1995-2002 a contentious period when it comes to generational labels because no one can decide if those years of time count as Millennial or Gen Z or the secret third thing, Generation Katniss. Making that span of time a lost and vague generation with no real classification.

However, one thing people can agree on, is different years during that stretch of time are associated with more than one generation. Now, why is this stretch of time being a generation in and of itself important? Well, it's very telling. It’s a point in time in which we did have internet but it was in it’s early stages. We also had mental health services on paper but not everyone had them. In fact, everyone still doesn’t have them. Multiple disorders go undiagnosed in children of certain races and income. It’s such a common thing for the system to fail certain types of children that they call it slipping through the cracks where I am.

People are generally less inclined to care about screwing you over, neglecting, or downright overlooking you if you grow up under a certain income level or as a certain type of person. The medical educational system isn’t built for everyone and people go overlooked all the time. It’s very common and it’s usually somehow the person who slipped through the cracks job to climb back out of it. This means Mikoto doesn’t lack faith in himself because he’s naturally not confident or solely due to his home life.

There are multiple environmental factors that can impact a person’s confidence in their abilities. People are not only the byproduct of their parents but the environment they are raised in. We are all walking long form equations and every instance in our lives is just another piece of the formula. When you only focus on the part in the round brackets you miss the rest of the problem. It’s easy to think you aren’t good at anything when your environment tells you aren’t.

When you can’t get scholarships, barely get into a college with low entry requirements, or just manage to get the job you were aiming for after who knows how many attempts. It’s easy to feel ones life wasn’t meant to be this way when you plan, and plan, and plan but no matter how well you plan. How far in advance you prepare. Fuck, even if you work backwards with your end goal in mind. Your legs keep moving, your mind keeps planning, thinking this time, this is when we’ll reach the end point, this is when I’ll have finally done it.

Then the goal moves and it moves and it moves. The tasks keep piling up you seem to be moving you feel the forward momentum this situation isn’t like the last because you’re better off than where you started and the goal feels right there. IT FEELS CLOSER THAN IT EVER HAS. It is right there. It’s not a dream, a delusion, fool’s gold shining in the water it is right there. The way out something to hope for as long as you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep going forwards because you don’t want to fail right?! You already know what failing looks like; do you want to go back to that?

It's not even like you’re asking for much. Don’t want to be rich, just well off enough to be comfortable to do freelance. Dictate your own schedule maybe do something you want to do for once instead constantly be in survival mode, because the moment you screw up that’s it. You’re poor and on the streets; are you gonna ask your mom for help move back in with her when you probably know what her finances are like already? If you work harder, you can succeed even beneath a system that’s designed for you to fail.

That’s Amane and Mikoto’s problem. They both believed there was a way out of their situations; if they just did what was asked of them, eventually they’ll treat me better, my abilities will be recognized. It’ll work out as long as I try harder. If in Magic Amane is in the process of trying, in MeMe Mikoto is at the outcome of his efforts. Yet, both their efforts led to the same conclusion; swinging a wand down as they try make their problems disappear.

Now since this has gotten long enough, in the next one we’ll be discussing the rest of the first reading and going into the conclusions. I would appreciate hearing feedback and opinions on this if anyone reads it. Secondarily, there’s a lot I have written about Mikoto separately already but I’m focused on doing this in order. It’s been fun seeing some of the thoughts I had typed down come to fruition in tiny ways throughout trial two.

I know it’s a lot and, well, it’s not all about Mikoto but the prisoners all overlap with each other in interesting ways. I think the pairings shouldn’t be the only time prisoner comparisons are made. Especially since the characters themselves compare themselves to people outside of their pair. I think out of everyone the person Mikoto has the most in common with and works best as a foil to him is Amane. Which could be part of why he has difficulty in speaking with her. Other than that yeah I’ll try to finish the last two cards when I get the chance.

However, I have a lot of family stuff and I’ve been writing this mostly on my own. It takes longer for me to process information so I do have to step back and actively do other things to fully process and better vocalize or even just figure out what it is I want to say. If I can do all this and I’ve seen all the creativity and consideration others in the fandom put into their ideas and theories.

I would encourage people write more stuff about their favorites and really take into the consideration how they not only work on their own but with the other prisoners. The conclusions you come to by doing that could just surprise you. Though you don’t gotta do it to this extent. Trust me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to. I’m actually chained up in a basement by Star, the way Mahiru allegedly had her lover and she’s currently forcing me to write all these theories. Help….

(>:- p)

#An idiot Star takes to the stage!#milgram #Mikoto Kayano #this is mostly Gunsli's work but please look forward to the dlc from yours truly!#Also please appreciate my formatting I worked hard on that at least orz #Also heads up this has been in the making for a good few months so. Yeah #I'm going to pass out cause I'm tired af

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uncannysam · 3 months

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PARTIES: @magmahearts, @uncannysam TIMING: Early December SUMMARY: What's supposed to be a fun hangout sesh turns serious when Sam shocks Cass with a secret she's been harboring. WARNINGS: grief tw

If it was one thing that had become valuable since Zach’s death, it was spending time with the other friends that Sam had made over the years, and even more recent friends, like Cass. And the planned get together had given her something to look forward to all week. Of course, anything that was related to comics and cosplay had been right up Sam’s alley as well, even though she had promised she wouldn’t take part in the sewing of her friend’s new Marvels costume she was working on, but Sam would put her hot glue gun skills to use.

With her apartment looking cleaner than it had in weeks, and Scout laying curled up on the couch, Sam was ready for her company. The only thing that might have been a bit of an issue was her lack of sleep and the rambling that had seemed to come from her brain going a hundred miles per hour, but that was okay right? As long as her foot didn’t live in her mouth like it normally did, Sam would be okay. But that was also banking on the fact that the weird shit that had been happening to the twenty-eight year old lately wouldn’t bleed over into their hanging out time tonight.

—

Getting to talk comics with people was always exciting. With most of her friends, Cass was very much in the process of converting them to her various fandoms. Some, like Milo, were already as deep in the world of superheroes as Cass herself, but others were just getting into it. She’d given Alex and Aria recommendation lists about as long as her arm, and waited with excitement for them to finish each issue. Even then, she wanted more. Sam was someone who could provide her with that. The two had a lot of shared interests. It meant that, when they were together, there was scarcely a moment of silence between them, each breath filled with rambling discussions on the latest issues or casting news.

So she was excited as she made her way to the door of Sam’s apartment, practically skipping over. She rapped her knuckles against the wood rhythmically, settling back on her heels as she waited for the door to swing open. When it did, she wasted no time, preferring to launch into discussion immediately. “So, I’m thinking bright colors. The movie was great, but I’m not big on how muted everything is in those movies, you know? Like, comic books are so colorful, and the movies are like ‘oh, no, it would be silly if our people who fly around and shoot lasers out of their hands are wearing bright red! It would —” She cut herself off, noting the odd look on Sam’s face. “Hey, are you good?”

—

When Sam heard the knock on the door, she knew it was go time. Her hot glue gun was going to get some use, but even better, having someone to hang out with again wouldn’t make things seem so quiet and lonely in her apartment. Sure, Scout was a great companion, but he couldn’t talk – at least she didn’t think he could. She wasn’t really quite sure anymore, but that's besides the point. Though she couldn’t help but glance down at him as the thought briefly crossed her mind, No. Don’t even go there, Sam.

As she shook the thought from her mind, she moved to the door and pulled it open with a smile, but the smile quickly faltered when she saw what looked to be a talking pile of rock standing in front of her. Which must have been pretty damn obvious, because when Cass – if this was even Cass – had commented, she blinked a few times and forced an uneasy smile on her face, “Uh, I…I thought we were doing The Marvels cosplay…not The Thing from Fantastic Four. But hey! If that’s what you’re currently vibing with…” Sam had completely ignored all the stuff Cass had been saying as she opened the door. I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my fucking mind. That’s what this has to be…

—

Sam was still looking at her strangely, and Cass took a moment to glance down at her outfit. Maybe she’d done a poor job washing her clothes. She’d been using the washer and dryer at Alex’s cabin instead of the stream lately, but the last time she’d cleaned this particular outfit, she was pretty sure she’d done it in the cave. Had she missed something? Maybe it was ripped? But, no — it looked fine. Clean, normal. So why was Sam staring at her?

The question, too, was perplexing. “Uh… I don’t even know how you’d cosplay the Thing? I mean, styrofoam, I guess? But I’d need to be a lot taller to really sell it, and I don’t really want to commit to all that right now. I’d rather just do the Marvels?” Why was Sam bringing up the Thing? In a moment of panic, Cass wondered if her glamour was unstable, but… She’d feel that, wouldn’t she? It took concentration to hold it up, sure, but it wasn’t as if her concentration could fall enough to be noticeable without her being somewhat aware of it. “Sam, are you okay? You’re not making a ton of sense.”

—

The look on Cass’s face had left Sam even more confused. Is this some kind of joke? Cass didn’t seem the type, but Sam had only known her a couple of months. Still she couldn’t help, but cock her head to the side and raise an eyebrow. Moving forward she even reached out to touch Cass on the cheek. It was legit rock. Firm and not giving when the twenty-eight year old pressed in on it, “If that’s styrofoam…How did you make it so hard?” This didn’t make sense. And as rude as Sam was being right now, she couldn’t get past Cass’s firm rocky exterior.

Hearing a couple of barks from Scout is what had seemed to snap her out of the trance she was in and also made her realize how close she had become to her friend, “Okay, I’m, wow, I’m really sorry. I just, uh…I wasn’t sure if this was a joke or…I mean, it looks great. The rocks look super realistic. You must have worked months on this.” Sam had completely ignored what Cass had said about making a Marvels costume, “I’m being rude though. Come in.” Her mind didn’t want to believe what she was seeing. She wanted it to be a costume, and that’s what she had defaulted too until Cass said otherwise.

—

Sam touched her, and Cass pulled back uncertainly. The glamour was only a visual thing, she knew; beneath it, she was always what she was. She’d come up with a few lies here and there over the years — a skin condition, a need for more lotion, all kinds of things — but with Sam already asking questions she didn’t particularly want to answer… She swallowed nervously, eyes darting down to her body again. The glamour was there, so why wasn’t it working? Nora saw through it, but Nora had always seen through it. Sam, as far as she knew, hadn’t. If she had, she would have said something before now, right?

“I — I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Was that sick feeling in her stomach because of the lie or the nerves? Maybe it was both; a tag-team of nausea delivering a brutal punch. Cass took a step back. “Sam, seriously, you’re freaking me out.” Not a lie. “I didn’t — I’m not wearing any costume.” Not a lie. “What are you talking about? Please tell me. Please. I don’t — I don’t understand.” Definitely not a lie.

—

Sam had felt horrible for touching Cass, and when her friend further explained about being freaked out, the twenty-eight year old stammered, “I - Uh…I’m…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have touched you. I just…Why do you keep saying you don’t understand?” Now, she was starting to panic. Was this real? Did Cass really have rocks all over her body? She had to by the way she was denying everything Sam had said. Unless, Sam really was losing her mind. The only thing she could do would be to actually straighten this out and have a discussion. That or slam the door in the girl’s face and never come out ever again. And as much as she wanted to go with the second option, she knew she couldn’t.

“Cass, please come in…We need to talk. I need to figure this out…I…” Sam was trying not to let tears come to her eyes, but the realization of the whole thing was freaking her out and now, with Scout barking, it seemed as if he was confirming what Sam knew was true in the back of her mind, despite how much she wanted to deny it and hope it wasn’t. But she wasn’t about to have a discussion about being made of rock, in the hallway, even if nobody was around at the moment.

—

“Because I don’t understand,” Cass repeated, a little bit of frustration bubbling up. Her glamour was there. It was in effect, it was hiding her from view. So why was Sam giving her the same look Kuma had when she’d stumbled upon the oread without it? The confusion, the fear… Cass felt a panic gripping her chest, constricting her lungs. If her glamour was messed up somehow and she didn’t know it, no one would want to be around her anymore. No one would want to be her friend, no one would like her.

She took another step back, still uncertain. “Figure what out, Sam? I — I have no idea what you’re talking about!” Nausea rose up, her stomach churning. Was it because she was lying? She didn’t know. She didn’t know if she was lying or not. “I’m not coming in until you tell me what’s going on. I don’t understand what’s happening.”

—

It was like they were talking in circles. Sam didn’t understand what was going on with Cass and Cass didn’t understand what was going on with Sam. It was frustrating to say the least, and she was starting to hear it in Cass’ voice. If Cass said she wasn’t wearing a costume, then this meant that she was like the other things Sam had seen around town. The unexplained that always seemed to occur after little sleep. How did she explain that to someone who swore up and down that they weren’t in a costume and believed they were normal? She had always seen Cass as just a human. Nothing strange, except for maybe her taste in comics sometimes. But then, would Cass think Sam was losing her mind if she told her what she had been experiencing lately? And did Cass know she was covered in rocks? Someone was going to have to give in, and by the looks of things, it was going to have to be Sam.

“Fine. But as soon as I tell you, you have to come in. I haven’t told anyone this…ever, and I’m not about to start with any of my nosey ass neighbors.” Sam took a deep breath trying to find the words that sounded the least…ridiculous. Looking at the ground, she took in a deep breath and let out a long slow sigh, before looking back up at Cass, “So a few months ago I saw something really bad happen to my best friend, and I started going to see somebody about what I saw, and I thought that everything was good, right? But I started having nightmares again and started, pretty much, not sleeping. Well since then if I don’t get enough sleep, I start seeing weird shit. Like people with horns and wings, and now, you…with the rocks. It’s like my comic book obsession has come to life, and I don’t know what to do about it…” She knew Cass was probably going to turn around and run, but there it was. The truth. “Please, don’t say anything to anyone…” Sam stammered before looking down and kicking at the floor embarrassed.

—

“Deal.” It was an easy enough bind to agree to; after all, Cass wanted to know what Sam was talking just as badly as Sam wanted her to come inside. The best deals, Cass knew, were the ones where everyone involved got something out of the agreement. But even knowing that, there was some part of her that would always prefer the deals where she was the one getting more. It was selfish and meanspirited, but that was her, sometimes, no matter how well she hid it. She was getting the better deal here, too. Stepping inside an apartment was easy. Telling someone something you’d never told anyone else? That was a lot more complicated.

As Sam spoke, Cass listened. She felt a mixture of different things: sympathy for what Sam must have seen happen to her friend, understanding for the nightmares that had followed, curiosity for what the lack of sleep had done to her, relief that her glamour wasn’t failing. She ducked into the apartment, taking a deep breath and motioning for Sam to shut the door. “I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice, shifting her weight. “I wasn’t — Um, I wasn’t totally honest with you. About the rocks. I can — I can tell you, but… I mean, I’m gonna sound crazy, so…”

—

A wave of relief seemed to wash over Sam when Cass agreed to step inside, but she still didn’t feel any better about the revelation of her big secret coming out. However, she shut the door and made her way over to the couch to sit down. If Cass wanted to follow, she could, but so many questions were popping up in her mind. Would Cass break the couch? Was it comfortable being rocks all the time? Was any of this actually real or was she just stuck in some nightmare of a former life she once knew? All questions she wanted to ask, but felt ashamed to, “You’re more than welcome to sit wherever. Do you…want anything to drink or?” Do human rocks need water?

Sam didn’t want to outright admit that she was a bit nervous. Never had she invited anyone that wasn’t strictly human. At least to her current knowledge. That could have all been a lie. At this point she was starting to wonder if Zach had been lying to her… “So…you’re telling me, you…are covered in rocks right now? I’m not just seeing things because I’m tired?” Sam let a yawn escape her lips at the word tired. A bad habit that had started to pop up in her life, since all of this started, “Sorry.” She yawned again, covering her mouth and blinking a few times, before setting her eyes on Cass again.

—

Already, Sam was looking at her differently. Cass could feel it. She thought of Kuma, of the way her attitude towards Cass had changed so quickly the moment she saw her without the glamour. Sam wasn’t screaming, wasn’t demanding that Cass leave, but she was looking at her differently and it hurt just a little, so she shrugged. “I’m okay.” She didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want to give Sam any more excuses to hate her. It was funny — she’d met so many people in this town that thought nothing of her glamour that it felt strange to meet someone who considered it strange at all. She longed for the underreactions of her friends now, or for Alex, who thought it was a thing of beauty.

She shifted her weight a bit, shaking her head. “Well, it isn’t… I’m not covered in rocks. It’s more like… I am the rocks. And it’s not just right now. It’s all the time. I don’t know why you can see it right now. You shouldn’t be able to. I have a — it’s called a glamour. It makes me look more… um… human. Because I’m not. Human.” She glanced up just in time to see Sam yawn. “Are you okay? You seem… really tired.”

—

Not human? Cass is actually made of rocks? Sam was so confused. Comic books had been one thing, but all she had experienced within the past few months had been more than nerve-wracking. She couldn’t quite put her finger on any of this. Why was this happening to her of all people, but regardless, at least it hadn’t been Deer Lady sitting in front of her asking her to pay her debts for being bad, “Does…Does it hurt? I mean being rocks?” She didn’t know what she was saying. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve just...There are stories that my family has passed down, but none of rock people or half of the other types of people I’ve seen walking around Wicked’s Rest since this…thing happened. I don’t know whether to call it a gift or a curse.”

Sam squeezed her tired eyes shut for a moment, before looking back over at Cass. “I’m sorry if I seem judgemental. I don’t mean to be, but I’ve just never experienced this before, and all of this happened so fast…And what do you mean you’re not human?” She paused for a moment, “If I don’t sleep, I can see through, what did you call them? Glamours?” She sighed, “Aka…I’m afraid to go to sleep…Afraid that what got my friend, might come for me too or worse…Deer Lady…”

—

Did it hurt? No one had ever asked her that before. The question confused her a little, and that confusion was written clearly on the oread’s face. “Not any more than it hurts you to not be rocks, I guess?” There were probably ways of being that did ache a little, but Cass didn’t think hers did. The things that hurt her were outside forces. Not what she was, but other people’s reactions to it. “What… kind of stories do you have?” Maybe she could find some explanation that fit in with what Sam already knew, some way of explaining things that would slot nicely into her existing worldview. If nothing else, at least it would help her to know that Cass wasn’t nuts or anything like that.

“I’m fae,” she replied. “A nymph. An oread, to be, like, super specific. A rock nymph. Or, um, technically a volcano nymph, in my case.” How many times had she explained this now? She was starting to lose track. It never got any easier, especially if the person she was explaining it to wasn’t someone who already knew what a fae was. “What do you mean by that? What… got your friend? And who’s Deer Lady?”

—

Cass’s answer made sense. Sam didn’t physically hurt as a human unless she was injured or sick, which almost led her to her next question, but she refrained. She could see the hurt on the girl’s face. This had definitely not gone like it should have. They were supposed to just be working on a cosplay together. Not discussing what Cass actually was or that Sam could see the truth of what people really were, “That makes sense.” She nodded, before stopping for a moment. There had been many legends from her people, and sharing them could take a while, so instead, she tried to aim for something that might have sounded familiar or really just aimed for the first one that came to mind, “As for your question, my stories are legends passed down from my Mohawk ancestors that my grandparents, aunties, uncles, and parents have shared with me growing up. You may or may not have heard some of them, but one popular one, Sky-Woman, is about Atsi'tsiaka:ion, a celestial being who fell from the sky after being cast out the heavens for doing something wrong. Some versions of the legend even tell of her bringing strawberries and tobacco to the Earth.” Sam had loved hearing legends and tales from her family. Even to this day, when she would occasionally return home to visit her family in Canada, she would get her aunties to tell her the same tales she had heard many times before. But now that some of these things were coming true in their own ways, Sam was struggling to adjust.

“Fae…” Sam repeated the word over and over in her head, and the more Cass described, the more familiar it all started to sound as she began to recall more of her people's lore. She had heard of something similar, but Cass looked nothing like what she imagined in her head, “You’re Gahongas!” She figured Cass probably didn’t know what the word meant, “It means Stone Thrower. But you’re taller than what I was taught, and I don’t believe there was ever any mention of Gahongas having rocks for skin. I’m sorry for prying, but do you happen to live in a cave?” The legend had spoken of such, and if Cass had said yes, her family’s legends were starting to become reality. Her realization soon faded into something else though with the question of what happened to Zach and the mention of Deer Lady.

Sam stood up from where she had been sitting and walked over to the window to look outside. Did she really want to rehash this? Cass had been kind enough to explain herself when she could have easily told Sam to fuck off, “You’re probably going to think I’m lying, but…I’m pretty sure it was vampires…There were puncture marks all over his body, and he was as pale as the snow outside when they were finished with him…I ran though. I did nothing to help him…” She trailed off, tears coming to her eyes as she continued to stare outside, “It’s why I fear Deer Lady is after me. She comes for people who have been bad. And if you’re living proof of the Gahongas, then that means that Deer Lady is real too, and I’m never going to be able to sleep again…”

—

The story wasn’t one Cass was familiar with, though she wasn’t familiar with most human stories aside from the ones she’d immersed herself in on television or in comic books. She liked this one, though; liked the idea of something bigger than herself, just as she always had. For Cass, and the oreads she’d grown up around, that bigger thing was the Earth. The stones, the volcanoes, the mountains. “What did she do wrong?” It was hard not to wonder. What could be so bad to see someone cast out from their community? If Cass understood, maybe she’d be able to work out why she’d been turned away from hers.

Her brow furrowed a little at the unfamiliar word. “Some fae are shorter. Some are taller. Like everyone else, I guess.” She thought of the nymph she’d met in her cave, the one who towered over everything, or of the one at the BMV who was shorter. “I, um…” She hesitated. Would Sam judge her if she admitted to living in a cave? Shifting her weight, she nodded sheepishly. “I do, yeah. I lived in a volcano in Hawai’i, but…” There were no volcanoes in Maine. She used to think about leaving to find one somewhere else, but that was long before she’d made connections and carved out a place of belonging for herself here. Now, she couldn’t imagine leaving. Not unless someone forced her to.

She watched Sam walk towards the window, wondering if she’d said or done something wrong somewhere along the line. “I wouldn’t think you were lying,” she replied quietly, trailing behind her friend at a safe distance. “I… Vampires are real. I know a few. So… You could be right.” Was it okay, telling Sam all this? Would she feel better knowing it, or was ignorance bliss? Cass didn’t know. She didn’t know what she’d want if she were in Sam’s shoes. “I don’t think you were bad, Sam. It sounds like you were afraid. Anyone would have been. Being afraid isn’t the same as being bad.”

—

Sam hadn’t expected the question of what Skywoman had done wrong, “Different versions claim different things. But it’s a story that represents creation and sometimes the contrast of good vs evil, because some legends claim that Skywoman had twins.” She took a moment. Was there still a lesson that Skywoman could teach Sam at this moment? Good vs evil? It was something she could ponder on another time. She had other things to discuss with Cass.

“That…makes sense about the height differences.” Sam listened as Cass continued to explain Jogah as well as admitting to living in a cave and once a volcano. There was no judgment from Sam at all. Instead, the more she knew about legends and the reality of some of the creatures in them, the better prepared she would be if she were going to keep seeing the world for what it really was. Turning around to face her friend, she let her eyes stay focused on Cass’s. She had seen what the woman was made of and there wasn’t any need to study her rocky exterior, “That’s actually really cool, Cass. Thank you for being honest with me.”

A small smile had slipped over her lips, eyes still holding lingering tears, but soon dropped again with the confirmation that vampires were real. Knowing that Cass actually knew vampires was something that scared her, “How…aren’t you afraid of them?” Had that been a dumb question considering her friend was made of rocks? Vampires couldn’t bite rocks. But they could easily bite human skin, “But I could have done something. I could have fought. Tried to get them off of him. Anything! But I hid like a coward, Cass. And then ran! I left him there to die!” By now the tears were streaming down Sam’s cheeks as she found herself collapsing to the floor defeated.

—

Good and evil were difficult concepts to understand. Cass knew that. Even in the comics and stories she adored so much, there were gray areas. No villain was completely wrong, no hero completely righteous. The truth always fell somewhere between two extremes. She could only assume that the stories Sam’s family had shared with her were similar. Skywoman may have done something wrong, but it was wrong to cast her out, too. It had been wrong for Cass’s aos si to cast her out, to leave her to fend for herself as a child. There were no right answers; that was the hard part.

Sam didn’t seem to be judging her for what she was, and there was some relief in there. Cass almost took the thanks reflexively, almost tightened a bind around her friend’s throat before remembering herself. She didn’t want to do that to friends, except… except she did. There was something she could never quite shake, some inclination towards chaos that was hard to rid herself of. She forced it down now, forced herself to swallow it like a dry loaf of bread that she needed to save herself from starving. “You shouldn’t thank me,” she said, the words hard to force out because she didn’t quite want to say them. “Or people like me. We can use your words against you.”

She hummed at the question. “I know some who are kind,” she replied. “Vampires, werewolves, fae… they’re like humans. There are bad ones out there, ones who are cruel and violent and evil. But there are good ones, too. A vampire I know has been more of a parent to me than my actual parents ever even tried to be.” She ached a little as Sam continued. Her pain was so obvious, so tangible. Cass was gentle when she spoke again. “What could you have done, Sam? Honestly? If you hadn’t run, they would have turned on you next. I didn’t know your friend, but… I don’t think he would have wanted you to die with him.”

—

Sam looked at Cass through tears. What had she meant? Shouldn’t thank her or people like her? This hadn’t been in the lore she had heard, at least, if it had, she couldn’t remember. She would have to go back. Call her elders for clarification. If there were more Jogah living in Wicked’s Rest, her sight would give her the answer. But she knew not all people were Jogah. Not all who walked around with wings and hooves and horns, “Right…” She nodded softly, forcing down the words of thanks out of respect for the warning she had just been given.

Sam wiped her eyes and forced back the knot in her throat. The confirmation of more than just what Cass referred to as fae, included a creature Sam was already fearful of and another she had grown up hearing many legends about. But Cass’s words, and the way she explained how a vampire had taken her under their wing was slowly opening the young woman’s eyes to an idea she let slip her mind the night Zach was killed – that not everything in this world is made of evil intentions. Though it’d have to be something she reluctantly experienced for herself, and with the way things were coming to light in this town, she knew it probably wouldn’t be far off. Until then, she opted to remain quiet on the subject.

“I…I don’t know. And I know you’re right. But I was a coward in the face of fear, and I’ll never be able to get the sound of him screaming out of my head.” Sam released a quivering breath. Cass was right. She knew Zach wouldn’t have wanted her to end up in the same position, neither would her parents. Wiping her eyes one final time, she slowly got back to her feet. “I’m sorry again, about earlier. This…new ability, it’s taking a lot to get used to, and it’s a lot to take in. Can you forgive me for earlier?”

—

“I can tell you all the rules.” Because wasn’t that what she’d want someone to do for her, roles reversed? Whether she wanted to be or not, Sam lived in this world now. And living in any world without knowing the rules of it was a very dangerous thing, a very risky ordeal. Binds could kill people; Cass had seen it. And the idea of something like that happening to Sam, who talked about comics and made cosplay with her, was absolutely nauseating. She couldn’t even begin to accept it.

Sam had been through enough already. That much was clear. It seemed unfair, seemed unjust. Cass had been born into this world and, as a result, the things she suffered made sense. They were expected, they were normal. Not deserved, she didn’t think — imagining that she’d somehow earned her experience with Rhett made her angry just to think about — but not unfair, either. For Sam, things were different. She shouldn’t have been attacked and victimized by a world she hadn’t even known existed. It wasn’t right.

“You weren’t a coward,” Cass insisted. “You saved yourself. That was the only thing you could have done. What happened isn’t your fault. The only people who are to blame are the vampires who did it, okay?” There were bad people out there. Cass knew that better than most. But she also knew that Sam wasn’t one of them. So it was easy to offer her a small smile, to nod her head. “Of course I can forgive you,” she said quietly. “You didn’t mean anything by it. I know that. It’s… a lot to take in. I get it.”

—

“You’re not gonna get in trouble or anything right? I-I don’t want to get you in trouble.” Sam had cared deeply about Cass. She was starting to see her as her kid sister, and now, an even cooler kid sister, because she was practically a volcano. It didn’t get any more badass than that the more it started to sink in. And as much as she wanted to tell her parents that the Little People were real, she didn’t want to break Cass’s trust nor put her family in any kind of danger. This town was full of scary things, and Sam was only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Sam further listened to Cass knowing the younger woman had a point. As hard as it was to accept, it was fight or flight in that moment, and as much as she had hated herself for it, she had chosen flight, which had given her a second chance at life. Now, the best thing she could do was educate herself. Learn more about the creatures and people of Wicked’s Rest, so she hopefully wouldn’t be caught off guard and would be able to do something about it.

But first she wanted to make it up to Cass, “I can’t say what I want to say, but you’ve really opened my eyes today and given me a chance to see a different side of this new world. It means a lot. And I would love to hear about more of Wicked’s Rest’s residents, if you have time. I’ll spring for pizza, and we can work on that Ms. Marvel costume?” She knew it was a lot and wouldn’t be just a one evening thing, but Sam had seen the true identity of her friend, and there was no doubt in her mind that Cass wasn’t anything other than her friend.

#para: navigating home #para: cass #magmahearts #wickedswriting #grief tw

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