#romantic relationships always end up as top priority' and I could just see they didn't agree because they have lots of friends but yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spamgyu · 6 months

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Always // oneshot

DESCRIPTION: Sometimes, one man's burden is everything another man has ever wished for.

PAIRING: Mingyu x Reader / Hoshi x Reader

GENRE: Angst (Fluff if you squint really hard)

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Time was the greatest enemy of most couples.

Time apart.

Time together.

After four years of being together, time had allowed them to grow apart instead of growing together. It was inevitable for a person to grow and become a better version of who they were before; including those in relationships. It takes a couple with a strong understanding of one another's wants and needs to be able to survive this constant change; both needing to be able to see eye to eye as time goes.

They allowed their time together to slowly pull them apart.

He never noticed it. No, he was far too oblivious and too busy with his own world to see that time has done far too much damage in their relationship.

She watched the boy she once planned a future with, drift away from her. He no longer made an effort to keep their relationship alive. He used to be such a romantic; planning dates at least once a week despite their busy schedules, showing up at her door with ingredients of her favorite meals and flowers in hand, staying up all night to study with her – despite studying for two different majors.

He had become someone she no longer recognized.

She wanted to be upset with him, but love was a strange thing.

In her eyes, he could do no wrong. Constantly making excuses for each time she was left hanging and disappointed by his lack of efforts.

"What's his excuse this time?" Their mutual friend asked, taking her by surprise. Everyone around her saw her boyfriend's shortcomings, some urging her to break it off to end the constant disappointments.

Pulling her headphones off her head, she greeted him with a soft smile – it was more than enough confirmation for him to know that her boyfriend, his best friend, had forgotten the two's plans to study for the upcoming midterms.

"Want some company?" He didn't wait for her response, taking a seat across from her.

"Thank you."

"Always." He winked playfully, digging in his back pack to pull out two cans of energy drinks and a bag of sour gummy worms.

"Your choice in snacks scares me." She laughed.

He rolled his eyes, opening both cans and placing one in front of her – earning a thank you from the girl. She had always hated opening cans herself, claiming that it hurt her nails each time she tried to do it herself.

"So, where's Mingyu?" He asked, leaning back in his chair.

Y/n shrugged. He hadn't replied to her text letting her know that she had arrived at the library two hours ago. Hell, he had yet to open the message.

Hoshi gave her a look before quickly changing his expression before she could catch the sour look on his face.

He loved his friend, having known him since freshman year, but god was he a fucking idiot.

Hoshi knew not everyone was perfect; especially not Mingyu who was the smartest in their business department. A man who seemed to be able to juggle being a part of the frat board and being a student athlete.

No definitely not even him. He had everything, a supportive girlfriend, a loving family, the brain, even the looks. He just didn't seem to have the right priorities in line.

Though, if anyone were to ask Mingyu, having school as a top priority was the best choice. And y/n was right there to defend him as well.

Even if it meant putting his relationship on the line.

How hard is it to be a business major anyways?

"Okay, I give up. If I don't know it now, I won't know it tomorrow." Y/n exasperated, putting her head down on the table.

The two had managed to put in two and half hours of studying, with a few minor distractions from Hoshi who swore it was for comedic break – that way they wouldn't go mad from all the reading they needed to have done.

"Thank god." Hoshi slammed his laptop shut. "Let's get dinner."

"Mingyu and I made plans." She frowned in apology.

Half way through Hoshi and y/n impromptu study session, Mingyu had finally responded to her text: apologizing for forgetting that they were meant to meet at the library to study for the upcoming midterms. He claimed he had accidentally double booked her with Seungcheol and Wonwoo.

Y/n couldn't help but forgive him, knowing that it was far better studying with those who were taking the same tests as him and accepted his efforts to make it up by taking her out to a quick bite after her own study session with her friend.

Little did he know, it was his friend Hoshi.

Not that this was information he needed to know.

"Ah." He nodded.

"Tomorrow?" Y/n offered.

"If you're buying." He laughed.

"I'll use my free swipe at the dining hall just for you." She joked as she continued to pack up her belongings.

"You're so kind."

"Always."

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"Hey fucker– Y/n hey." Hoshi walked through the front door of the shared home he and his frat brothers resided in, expecting to be greeted by his housemates who were typically sitting in the living room; screaming at the television over whichever video game they decided to brain rot away with. Instead, he was greeted by y/n who had made herself at the empty home, laying on the couch as she scrolled away on her phone.

Most of the guys' partners were very much welcomed at their home, each having their own set copy of keys. Not that it was needed, considering half of the time the front door was unlocked.

So much for campus safety.

"Mingyu's at an event today."

"Oh." She sat up in her position. "I– thought–"

Hoshi watched as she attempted to hide the wave of disappointment flash across her face, masking it with a quick smile.

"I guess that frees my Saturday, then." She forced out a laugh.

He felt pity for the girl, knowing that his friend must have forgotten to notify her that a few of the boys from the frat board had a mandatory chapter event they had to attend in another city. Again.

"He should be back soon, you can hang around." He offered.

She shook her head. "I– I'll probably just head home. Been here for a few hours."

Of course she has.

"No, come on. I just bought stuff for dinner, just stay." He motioned for her to follow him into the kitchen.

"I mean, I can't say no to a free meal." She trailed behind him. "Lemme know how I can help."

"I'm making katsu curry. Cut some carrots and potatoes, yeah?"

"Yes, chef!" Y/n saluted, heading straight to the fridge to pull out the ingredients.

"I finished The Bear, by the way!" Hoshi beamed proudly. She had previously recommended the show to him a few months back after he had complained that there were no good shows on the streaming services. He was sold after he allowed her to ramble on and on about how she believed Carm and Sydney were the perfect platonic soulmates; going as far as sending him a few clips she found on Tiktok.

"How'd you like it?"

"I think Carm loves Sydney but he doesn't quite know it yet." He hummed, whisking the egg batter.

"No, no." Y/n shook her head. "They just have a great understanding of each other. She gets him, you know? She knows who he is outside of what his family knows of him. She doesn't see him as this ball of anger or trauma. She sees him as a person."

"Exactly. Claire only knows his past, but she doesn't fully understand Carm's deepest thoughts and the man he became after he left Chicago. Sydney on the other hand, knows his wants and needs in the present and future. Not to mention, when he was having a panic attack, it was only the thought of Sydney that could calm him down."

Y/n threw her head back and laughed. "I didn't know you went in full character analysis."

"It's a good show!" Hoshi cried. "You did this to me!"

"I'm still defending the platonic soulmate trope. A guy and girl can be friends without any romantic feelings."

"They can." He nodded. "Just not Carm and Sydney."

"You're insufferable."

"Just wait until season three, I'm going to be getting the last laugh."

"Yeah, we'll see about that." Y/n rolled her eyes playfully. "Am I cutting this right?"

Hoshi walked over to her, taking the knife from her hands. "For someone who spent two days binge watching a show about chefs, you're ass in the kitchen."

He proceeded to show her the proper sizing of the vegetables before handing her back the utensil. "Cut them all the same size, dummy."

"Watch it," She shook the knife at him. "I'll pull a Carm and have a mental break down right here."

In the midst of the laughter, while the two busied themselves with prepping the dish – the sound of indistinct voices flooded the once quiet home.

Y/n looked at the direction of the sound, knowing that in just seconds, the group would appear in the room.

"Babe, hey, what are you doing here?" Mingyu asked, with Wonwoo and Seungcheol not too far behind.

Y/n smiled, stopping what she was doing to meet him halfway, leaning into his touch as he placed a kiss on her head. "I came earlier, thinking you were home."

"Were you waiting long?"

"Not really, Hoshi kept me company." She smiled, looking over at Hoshi who had continued to bread the last piece of pork loin – sending over a tightlipped smile and peace sign to the couple.

"Got enough for us?" Mingyu chuckled, eyeing the dish the two had been preparing.

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It was raining.

No, it was pouring rain.

She was completely drenched; the dress she had spent nearly half an hour steaming clinging onto her body, her make up practically washed away from the downpour.

He had promised her a nice dinner to celebrate her new internship, claiming that he would pick her up from her apartment.

One hour turned to two and she figured he had forgotten yet again, opting to walk over to his place that was no more than a ten minute walk from hers, to remind him of their plans.

She should have known that the overcast that was persistent throughout the day would mean that some precipitation would roll through. Halfway through her journey, the slight drizzle turned into larger droplets of water.

There was no going back. She was nearly there. She could simply dry off and opt for a dinner and movie at home once she reached his place.

She could see his place in the distance. Just a few more steps.

Lost in her own thoughts, the once downpour that beat down on her stopped – looking up at the source of the sudden shade that covered her.

"I've been yelling at you to get in the car for the past minute."

It was Hoshi.

He had been on his way back from work when he had seen a girl walking slowly in the rain that can almost be classified as a storm.

Who would be walking in this weather?

As he approached the figure, he realized that it was y/n; completely lost in her own thoughts. Again.

Pulling off to the side, he rolled down the window to call out for her but it was no use. The sound of the water hitting the ground and cars zooming past drowned out his voice.

Quickly hopping out of his car, he shrugged off his jacket; using it as a makeshift umbrella to cover both their heads. "You know Uber and Lyft exist right?"

"I know, I thought spending $5 was stupid for such a short distance." She let out a laugh.

"Come on." He guided her to the passenger seat, letting out a frustrated sigh once the door was shut.

"Before you say anything, I'm already drenched and I'm on my first day of my period." Y/n said, beating him to the punch once he had entered the car.

He wasn't one to bad mouth Mingyu, knowing that no matter what he said, y/n would have some sort of reason to defend her poor excuse of a boyfriend. But this was the last straw.

He didn't care if he was his best friend.

Mingyu may have been a great guy, a great friend, but he was a terrible terrible boyfriend.

"Can I at least say that he's a fucking shitbag and I hope he fails tomorrow's quiz?" Hoshi grumbled, reaching back to grab a hoodie he had left in the back seat – handing it to her.

"No." She slipped her head through the warm oversize article of clothing, taking in his lingering scent.

"Y/n, you're kidding right?" He deadpanned.

"I know what you're going to say, okay." Y/n put her arms around herself, stopping herself from shivering. "I'll talk to him."

"Good."

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She never did talk to him.

Not because she didn't want to. She was fully ready to barge into his room, ready to finally lay it all on him. But of course, he wasn't home and Hoshi had no choice but to bring the girl back to her apartment.

He was angry.

No he was beyond that. Hoshi was seething.

If he hadn't made prior plans with Woozi to hit up the gym after work, he would have gladly stayed behind and kept y/n company. But unlike Mingyu, he stuck by his word. Whether this was with someone he was romantically seeing or his friends.

Hoshi was persistent in being loyal to the people he cared most.

Not that this was something Mingyu knew how to do.

"You're fucking kidding me." Hoshi huffed as he wiped away the sweat that dripped from his forehead; watching as Mingyu and Seungcheol stroll into the school's gym – the two laughing at god knows what.

"Where the hell were you?" He wasted no time getting to the point, his voice catching the attention of others who were also preoccupied with their own gym equipment.

"Whoa there, hi?" Mingyu took a step back, letting out a nervous laugh. He had only seen Hoshi worked up once, and it was during last year's chapter meeting when a pledge complained about the rules they had set for the incoming freshmen and pledges.

This particular pledge had been getting under everyone's skin at the time, nitpicking at almost everything that was being said at the meeting. Hoshi wasn't known to be the patient one in the group, but he wasn't one to snap at strangers either – taking their group by surprise when he got up from his seat to yell at the poor kid.

"What excuse did you give y/n this time? Had practice? Studying? You forgot?"

"Hey, keep your voice down, dude." Seungcheol placed a hand on Hoshi's chest, gently pushing him back and away from Mingyu – very aware of the eyes that were now on them.

"What– shit." A wave of realization hit Mingyu, his eyes widening in shock. "Damn it!"

Hoshi shook his head, scoffing at his friend. "You're a shit excuse for a boyfriend."

Now it was Mingyu's turn to be annoyed. Not that Hoshi was wrong. He was a horrible boyfriend; he just hadn't realized it yet.

"My bad, let me just take advice from someone who hasn't had a girlfriend in three years." Mingyu side stepped to avoid Seungcheol, getting closer to Hoshi who showed no signs of backing away.

"I don't need a girlfriend to know you treat yours like she's fucking trash. Everyone knows it. We all talk shit about you behind your back, telling her to break up with you."

"Why? So you can finally get the chance. I don't think so."

Hoshi narrowed his eyes, feeling his fists ball up at his sides.

"You don't think I know about your little crush?" Mingyu smirked, knowing that he was getting inside his head. "We also talk about you. We all know you like y/n."

"Guys, come on." Seungcheol stepped in between the two.

"Punch me. I know you want to." Mingyu egged on.

Hoshi shook his head, not giving into his friend. Opting to walk away – knowing that if he did decide to punch him, he might not be able to hold back from landing a few more.

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All it took was one call and he was at her doorstep, a bottle of wine and her favorite take out from the campus' local Thai Food restaurant in hand; ready to clean up whatever mess Mingyu had made. Something he seemed to be doing quite often.

"We had a fight." She sniffled on the other line.

Hoshi didn't care if he had laundry he had to fold. He had more important things to tend to.

Y/n.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" He asked, pouring himself another glass.

Hoshi allowed for her to enjoy her dinner, not wanting to pry until she had some food in her system and time to process whatever it was that she and Mingyu disagreed over.

"It was going fine, but– I don't know, I brought up wanting him to put more of an effort and he just snapped. He said sometimes, it feels more like a chore to be with me."

Hoshi began coughing, nearly spitting out the drink in his mouth. "I'm sorry, he said what?"

"He was probably just angry, you know how he gets when he's angry." Y/n shook her head, swirling the drink in her glass – watching the bubbles form.

"You know he just told you that he thinks you're more of a chore than a girlfriend, right?" He said slowly, almost as if he too was attempting to comprehend what Mingyu told her.

"I know I just– I love him, Hosh." Y/n let out a defeated sigh. "You don't think I know how stupid it is to continuously try to make something work with someone who clearly doesn't want things to work out?"

"Good, because I genuinely thought you were deranged for not seeing it."

She couldn't help but let out a laugh at his dry humor. Despite the heartache and disappointment she was currently feeling, she was always grateful for Hoshi's ability to add humor into their serious conversations.

"I think I might be." Y/n sighed, standing from the couch. "Want water?"

"And some gummy worms." Hoshi followed behind, rummaging through her pantry.

"You ate my last bag last week."

"Deranged and broke. Nice."

"I'm going through something here, please be nice." Y/n pouted.

Hoshi watched as she poured the two of them a glass of water, leaning against the counter. He couldn't help but stare at her, something he seemed to allow himself more often than before.

If his friend didn't want to cherish and care for the girl that was right in front of him, why can't he?

"I know you love him, but I don't think that's enough of a reason to stay with him."

Y/n looked over at him, a puzzled look on her face. This was the first time she's seen him this serious. In all the years she had known him, she had always seen him as her friend who provided her comfort through humor – making her smile when her days seemed to be nothing but gray skies.

In this case, it was almost every day.

"You know, you can love someone and not be with them." He continued, taking a step closer to her. "Be with someone who's willing to love you the way you love them."

He was right.

In the past year since she had been with Mingyu, she had been the only one pulling the weight in their relationship. She had been the one to make an effort to reach out, plan dates, show up to all his games, and bring him dinner when he needed to pull all-nighters for upcoming tests.

Love had a funny thing of blinding people. Everyone around her saw that she had been suffering, constantly making excuses for the mistreatment she had been receiving from the man she swore she would marry when the right time came.

He was busy.

He has a game.

His frat had an event.

Because she knew he hadn't always been like this, for the first three years of being together he made sure not a day went by without him making her feel his love for her. They were simply going through a rough patch.

"Be with me."

She felt her whole world come to a complete stop once the words left his lips. Y/n's girl friends had joked about Hoshi possibly having feelings for her. She thought it was simply them poking fun at the fact that they had been spending far more time with each other than she did with Mingyu – arguing that Hoshi was simply just a friend, just as she was friends with Jeonghan and Minghao.

"What?"

"I– I've liked you since freshman year." Hoshi swallowed. There was no turning back now. He had laid out all his cards and he was going to go all in. "From the moment Jeonghan introduced you into the group– you– I wanted to do something about it but Mingyu got to you first and I–"

He was stuttering over his words, unable to put his thoughts into one comprehendible sentence. "I kept my distance, and I was doing so well– but he fucked up and I can't stand back and watch him continuously break the heart that I know I would have held so carefully if I wasn't so fucking scared three years ago."

Y/n could hear her heart beating in her ears as she tried to process his sudden confession. She wanted to say something, she really did but she had become confused – because a part of her was happy to hear him say these words.

Somehow, over the time she had spent with him, all while her boyfriend was far too busy pre-occupied with his own life, she had grown to see Hoshi in another light. He was no longer just her friend who she called when no one else was available, happily obliging to her requests to accompany her to the grocery store, stay up late to finish the homework she had put off until the last minute, or simply watch movies at her apartment .

He had become a part of her daily life, getting excited each time she saw his name appear on her phone and looking forward to any time they made plans to hang out.

Y/n had unintentionally fell for her boyfriend's best friend – a sudden wave of guilt washing over her.

"I- we can't. You know we can't." She felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach at her realization.

This can't happen. Especially not with him.

He shook his head. "I'm not asking for anything right now. Look– I'm sorry for putting you in a tough spot, I've stuck around this long and I am willing to stick around however long I need to."

"I'm sorry." Y/n hung her head. No matter how much Mingyu has fucked up, she couldn't help but hold on to the hope that he would go back to the same person she had originally fallen for.

Maybe it was love or maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome.

"Hey, hey– fuck." Hoshi pulled her into a hug. He had done this many times, but somehow this time felt different. He felt her melt into his arms, pulling her tighter when he heard a muffled sniffle against his chest. "Sorry I– I'm here. As a friend or whatever you need me to be. I don't care, I'm here."

"Always?" Y/n she looked up at him, apologetically. She knew she couldn't give him what he wanted – not right now, at least.

"Always." He nodded.

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«« [an] aha........... ummm yeah we love pain here HAHAHAHAHAHHA

tag list: @leah-rose03 @yoonzinuhh

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lesbiancarat · 9 months

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i finally finished exclusive fairytale and i want to give some thoughts/a review! (contains spoilers)

honestly modern school/coming of age dramas usually aren't my cup of tea, i wouldn't have picked up this type of drama if jun weren't in it. but i was determined to enjoy it for what it was even if it's not the type of story i usually find compelling, and i definitely did

i really appreciated the humor, i'm a sucker for 4th wall breaks and record scratch moments, even if it's kind of cheesy humor i thought it was well done. they didn't overdo it, i think they kept a good balance of humor and sincerity throughout the show

i also REALLY like how realistic most of the relationships felt in the show. a lot of dramas will create over the top/dramatic plots with big misunderstandings or jealousy or these very dramatic romantic moments that just don't happen to most people in real life. and there's nothing wrong with dramas that are like that, dramas are meant to be entertaining and dramatic plots make them so. but especially when it came to xiao tu and ling chao's relationship it felt really refreshing to see a very quiet and gentle romance that develops over the years

like after they got together they didn't dramatically change their personalities or how they acted around each other, even when other's commented how they weren't being "romantic enough". because they were already comfortable with each other from growing up together, and the drama just let them be comfortable in their relationship from the get-go. and how xiao tu kept "forgetting" she and ling chao were together at first when she was making plans, honestly that's a very realistic thing. like moving through the world as a single person is different, and you really do have to adjust your mindset and your habits to accommodate another person when you're in a couple and that switch doesn't flip overnight

and there were misunderstandings and moments of jealousy but they were all handled pretty realistically too. when xiao tu and ling chao had misunderstandings they would just talk about it and resolve it. and even between characters that had a conflict, like liking the same person (eg. ling chao and yin zihan or xiao tu and xu linglong) they were still able to be civil toward each other and even friends rather than treating each other as mortal enemies (and on the topic of xu linglong i won't spoil her character arc but i really appreciated how it ended up)

like there's a thousand other examples i could give but i really was very impressed with how realistic the relationships were. it really felt like the author was writing from experience and not writing an idealized version of a romance or over dramatizing it

the one relationship/plot point i didn't really like was the whole thing with ling chao's father. imo given the fact that ling chao's father as far as they told us had NO contact with him or his mom for like the first ~16 years of his life so he could start a business to support his family makes no sense to me. like why did he need to move out and cut off contact completely if he still cared for them and was doing it for their benefit? it would have made more sense to me if he was still living with them but wasn't a good father when ling chao was a kid bc he was busy with work. or if he was always on business trips, or making some effort to be a dad but failing bc it wasn't his priority. like it was an active choice for him to not contact his son for his entire childhood. or alternatively, the dad could have left when ling chao was a kid bc he fell out of love/separated from ling chao's mom and then have them fall back in love again when ling chao's in highschool. idk the motivation they gave him for being absent but apparently still being a really loving and invested dad just seemed like lazy and unrealistic writing. like i didn't need them to spend longer on that plot and i was fine with ling chao forgiving his dad relatively quickly bc that's not the main point of the show i just wish the logic behind him being an absent father for the first part of ling chao's life made a bit more sense lol

on another note, i've seen some people complaining about the dubbing, but from the perspective of a regular c-drama watcher, it's actually not bad. there were some scenes where the dubbing was more out of sync but it was all pretty standard. it's actually on the better end of dubbing i've seen. of course it's not the same/as ideal compared to not dubbing, but if you watch c-dramas it's just something you have to get used to lol

overall i don't think this show is super groundbreaking, but it is very well done for the coming of age, childhood friends to lovers show that it is. it's a really light and easy show to watch. not something with a lot of excitement but if you want a show that's relaxing and easy to digest then exclusive fairytale's got you covered!

#this isn't really a comprehensive review #it's more just a jumble of post-show thoughts #but here u go for anyone wanting to hear me ramble about eft #melia.eft

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septembersghost · 1 year

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What do you think about Harry as a bf? I am sure he is a nice guy and strives to have good friendship post breakup. However, he seems very flaky unemotional type of boyfriend. Like, I thought Olivia was his really serious relationship. We don't know what happened but what bothers me is that he looks unaffected. It is very jarring for me. It is the reason I never took haylor seriously. He just doesn't seem emotionally invested. At that time, I thought he was not that serious about Taylor but now with Olivia too after 2 years???

i don't think we have enough information on this to make any kind of real judgment, in all honesty. the issues with taylor i feel are fairly clear in both of their music - to quote a friend, "they loved each other, they just didn't love each other right." they were never on the same page with when they wanted to fully commit, so it became that back and forth situationship, and they were VERY young, harry was still figuring things out, and taylor was struggling quite a bit and keeping it hidden or suppressed, and when she wanted him to stay, he didn't, and when he was ready to be serious, it was too late. (he skewers the idea of flaky, unemotional boyfriends on the very song entitled that, i think he's aware of making those mistakes. "to boyfriends everywhere, f**k you" certainly said it. and i think sometimes he can even be overly sensitive, which also shows up repeatedly in his lyricism.) as she said: miscommunications. you're not sure and i don't know. also, the outside pressure had to have been horrible for two young people who just wanted to work out how to be in love without the media's judgment, the cameras following their every move, and the endless harassment from certain sections of fans...it wasn't only about them, it was also the band, it was also the already weighty feeling of hugeness that came along with being taylor swift™ that she now depicts as the monster on the hill. they could never fully be only themselves, so instead they had all that shaky ground and uncertainty and running through the woods. there was never a chance for them to be solid enough to flourish, so it's always a what-if.

in regards to olivia, tbf i just think it ran its course? like prolonged getaway car. that sounds too mean, but the circumstances that brought them together weren't great, and they're at very different life stages (NOT because she's older, which i don't think is a big deal at all. but she does have her children to consider, and she seems to be passionate about her directing career, and that does require more stability and probably a lot more time in LA, and being on a world tour then makes figuring out how to even see one another difficult). they have different priorities. i also feel...that the over-the-top vitriol of the dwd press was extremely stressful and a fracture point. that was distressing to me as a relatively impartial observer, i cannot fathom what it would be like to have to try and exist as the focus of it. that had to have been too much. it would be too much for anyone unless you're absolutely rock solid and plan to be together for life.

what he wrote musically following the taylor breakup feels heartbroken to me. with olivia right now, if he seems unaffected, it's probably a mix of things. he's a performer, he turns "on" that upbeat attitude onstage (and it's an instant serotonin boost, part of what makes performing both wonderful and sometimes damaging/dangerous for people), he's not going to mope about his breakup in front of stadiums, but also, it may be that he realizes this was for the better. and sometimes, even if it's lousy and sad, if something ends for the better, you can feel a sense of lightness. sometimes very passionate things that are short (or crash and burn) can be more painful than something long-term that fades out gradually.

i had a message about this that i didn't answer bc i didn't feel right digging into it, but idk a lot about his other romantic history except camille, and from interviews/comments given around the fine line release, he was quite wounded by that one too. i think he was actually more serious/invested there than maybe she even was. sadness suffuses that album, and some self-reflection/criticism too.

it feels unfair (not you! just in general!) to judge or say he's not affected or not trying. it's different obviously because sexism plays a role in the nasty hatred and negative public treatment that taylor got for years for her breakups, but even so, i hesitate to do that to anyone else, regardless of gender. sometimes things don't work! and you try and they can't be fixed. it's just life, and people. love for people who aren't splashed all over magazines and having invasive questions posed by strangers and selling out stadiums is complicated! fame has to impact that many times over.

the thing for me, is, i don't believe that every comment (outside his romantic endeavors) made about him as a human being could be untrue, and all of them (and there are MANY) are consistent, and describe his thoughtfulness and basic nature in the same way, that kindness doesn't come across as fake. i think about the story of him cleaning up broken glass on the dance floor, it's an anecdote, but it's one of many that are all the same. it's also like...i see "weird" used in a derogatory way towards him a lot, and i don't love that! because being weird/quirky/esoteric doesn't make you not a good person! (not to mention the inane qbaiting debate and negation of his mspec identity which i cannot begin to get into rn. the internet is unnecessarily mean.) the fact that he does continue to be nice/respectful and try to maintain those friendships says a lot as well.

basically, i think it's complex, and humans are multifaceted, and relationships not working out is sometimes simply a part of life. harry just hasn't found whoever the right person is yet. and he's still young, he's only 28. he probably has some growing up left to do. there's plenty of time.

#anonymous #letterbox #haylor #harry styles

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coppertrapinch · 5 months

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post overtime-migraine late night thoughts...

I feel a bit exasperated sometimes when I realize my tendency to end up in friendships and even romantic relationships where it seems as though the other person only really "cares" about me until I disagree with them.

I try to approach relations with people wholeheartedly and genuinely, even if that makes me appear a bit childish or silly. But at the end of the day, I don't mind admitting I'm flawed and a mess to be genuine with others. I don't know what about this keeps landing me in these situations where the moment I voice my disagreement or personal feelings on something the other person does, that everything collapses... it's been like this since I can remember. I have a close relation, we are good friends, I put a lot of my energy and kindness towards them, and don't mind if they jokingly put me down a bit because I do have my flaws...but when I speak up against this, or disagree with the other person on something I believe in as politely as I can... suddenly, it falls apart. I realize that they never really respected me or how I felt, and I get blamed for it. That my role was actually as a yes man, to be unquestioningly supportive no matter what this person did, even if it went against what I find important or how I felt. I don't usually get to voice my own feelings even, just told that I've betrayed them and given a scathing speech before being blocked. Sometimes, I even got stalked for no longer being able to stand the pressure.

I don't understand why this continues to happen, honestly... I do my best to give respect to the feelings of these people and support them, even downplaying myself and my own needs to make sure they get my attention moreso than I realize until it's too late. Then, when I stop and question either their behavior towards me or someone else... it's me? I'm suddenly this horrible person for ever doubting or questioning. We don't discuss how they've belittled me or hurt me this whole time, because I've never spoken up about it... but the moment I do, or stop them for something else, it's as though everything shatters. I don't know why my perspective is so often disregarded... am I not respectable to people? Is working hard to be where I am in my career annoying? Are my socially awkward blunders too much of a burden to forgive? Is my genuine approach to friendship really just... pathetic?

For example, I had friendships in high school- even a relationship- that I put much of my energy into. I would be very attentive to them, listen to anything they felt about even the smallest of inconveniences, offer acts of service etc... and more and more, I had difficulty voicing my own feelings because their's took priority, or they would belittle my frustrations. "Oh, you could be ahead in your homework if you tried harder. You could just get over that if you were better." As though I did not have difficult classes and charity work and various extracurriculars I was juggling on top of our friendships. I would get tired. It always kept piling, and I would end up in a spot of either always being the emotional punching bag, or simply being unable to juggling them on top of my busy activies. So I would turn around and finally say something.... but that was when it would crumble. I would become this villain that no longer seemed to care, that was unable to see how this person felt, or simply didn't get it. I would be blamed for "juggling too much" when that is always how I have been as a person, wanting to do as much as I can. Either I was pushed away or was questioned why I would step away from my "job" as a friend.

But... what about how they treated me? Why did it become okay to slowly disrespect me and my feelings to this point? My depression has always told me that I'm worthless and undeserving, but to have people I care about seeming to agree with that.... it hurts. I am tolerant and do my best to be kind and polite, but I reach my limit. How long do I have to be a suicide hotline before my feelings come into play? How long do I need to be the butt of jokes before my exhaustion from real life responsibilities on top of it all gets to be factored in, too? Even with romantic relationships, I end up some kind of pseudo guardian for the person, having to hold them up until something gives. I don't mean to end up "white knighting" or whatever, it just.... happens. I was taught to be kind and care about people. I don't give my respect and expect it back immediately. But when it never comes... am I in the wrong for disagreeing or leaving?

I'm a full adult now, in my late 20s... Seeing it still happen, and seeing the self-absorbing tendencies I accidentally enable of others frustrates me. I hope it gets better, but until then? All I can do is treasure the friends that I've kept that do respect me.

#uhhh just ignore me if you are just here for my reblogs teehee

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messedupfan · 2 years

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Should've Told You (Leigh Shaw x Reader) Chapter 12

Summary: Someone knows about Reader and Leigh. Someone else is suspicious of them. Meanwhile things are a little rocky between them.

A/N: Y'all I just found out that Elizabeth actually has a friend named Jade. I legit used a random name generator. Comment what I should change the name to. Also, how are you doing today?

Masterlist | Taglist | All Chapters

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Doing research and prep work for the movie you’ll have to travel for in January quickly became your top priority. It's set to be filming in a few locations outside of the US and a couple locations in the states, not in California, which meant you were going to be gone for several months. There was a chance that it was going to take longer than predicted which brought on some concern. You were a little worried about your relationship with Leigh but you were also excited to have a little bit of time to yourself and away from it all. Besides, if Leigh really had a problem with it you’re sure that she could join you. There was a small part of you secretly hoping that she wouldn’t want to. She needed the time apart more than you did.

After some convincing, Jules returns home to help decorate for Christmas. It was Leigh who convinced her to come home so you kept an eye on the two just in case an argument broke out. Luckily, the sisters seemed to be getting along just fine as they hung the ornaments on the tree. That was until Jules mentioned a dream that she had about Matt as they worked. She thought it might cheer her sister up a bit especially since the only thing Leigh wrote on her 2018 ornament was that Matt died.

It, of course, did the opposite and made Leigh realize that she hasn’t dreamt about her husband in a long time and that panic about losing him comes back. It always snuck up on her at the worst times. What made it worse was Jules’ description of it feeling so real that she thought she could touch him. Leigh wanted to have that. She wanted to be able to touch him in a dream. She wanted to be able to hear his laugh again, really hear his laugh. Not from an old video but right next to her. “Y/n, do you dream about Matt?” She asks, hoping that she wasn't the only one.

“Sometimes,” you shrug as you work on untangling lights. “Don’t you?”

“What are they about?” She ignores your question.

“Um, they're never good. I haven't had one in a while. But they're usually about me trying to catch him before he falls. I never do and it sucks. Why do you ask?” You finally look away from the bundle of lights and see it all over Leigh’s face that she was about to be headed down another rabbit hole of saving her connection to Matt. You just wish it would get easier to fight the negative and insecure feelings that you have every time she does this. Am I not enough for you? You take a tight breath and bite the inside of your lip to rid yourself of the thought. That wasn't fair to question. Leigh wouldn't have married him if she didn't truly love him. She can tell you that she didn't love him and just settled for him but at the end of the day it's just words to make you feel better. It wasn't fair of you to expect that of her.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” she walks away and her phone pings with a notification. You notice a little secretive smile when she opens it which makes you frown. That was the secretive smile she used whenever you sent her a saucy or cheesy romantic message. You quickly check your phone to see if you had sent one but the last message on your conversation was sent from her. That's where a flag popped up. The last text conversation the two of you had was a week ago and it was:

Hey, what's up?

L: Busy.

Nothing worth a secret smile. You swallowed the familiar worry. You weren't going to jump to conclusions. There was no reason to, you had to be making it up in your head. Leigh would never do something like that to you. She loved you. Loves. She loves you. Sure, she hasn’t told you about reaching out to Danny yet, he did that, but that didn’t mean you needed to worry. You return your phone to your pocket and choose to believe the best in your girlfriend. There wasn't a reason to believe otherwise. Trust is important in a relationship, without it there is no reason to keep it going. Something you learned the hard way. Amy greeted you as she passed but you were too wrapped up in your head to notice that she did. "Hey, are you okay?" Jules walks over to you with concern.

"Yep, why wouldn't I be?" You pick up the lights to continue untangling them. How the hell did they get so tangled?

"No reason, you just looked a little… off. Was it the Matt dream thing? Or is it that you don't dream about your brother?"

"It's not that, I am plenty haunted by both of them. And I’ve dealt with nightmares my whole life, none of that bothers me at this point."

"But it is something," Jules pushes.

You look up from the lights, "What's with the twenty questions Julie Bear?"

"Have you ever thought about, I don't know, maybe dating my sister?" Jules plays with an ornament in her hands as she speaks. You feel your blood cool as your heart and stomach greet each other.

"Uh w-why…? W-What are you talking about? She's my friend. She's my best friend. Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know, I was just chatting with Becca while she was waiting for her class a few days ago and she was asking if you and Leigh ever dated or whatever. Of course I said no but then she got me thinking. The two of you get mistaken for a couple a lot, like an annoying amount. Not to mention the both of you are insanely close. I don't know anybody as close as you two. So I've been curious, have you ever thought about her in that way? You can tell me, I won't say anything."

You aren't sure how to answer that question and you open your mouth to come up with a lie when your phone rings. "One sec," you don't look to see the caller ID, you're just happy for the save. "Hello, how may I help you?" You answer in a professional tone.

"Don't answer her. Make something up and go to my room." Leigh speaks in a hushed tone.

"Yes, ma'am. I am available," you extend the phone away from your mouth. "I'm sorry Jules, I have to take this." You escort yourself away from her and make your way up the stairs. When you walk into Leigh's room you're disappointed to find it empty. Other than the mess of makeup products on the front of her bed. "What now?"

"Take off your clothes."

"Really, Leigh?" You say unimpressed by the request. If things weren’t so weird between the two of you, then maybe you would be in the mood for this sort of thing. Besides, it was far too risky with both her mom and sister being home.

"Lighten up, babe. I'm only joking."

"Okay, ha-ha that was funny," you sarcastically reply but smile simply from her using the pet name for you. You start to put the makeup in the box it must've arrived in when you notice an oddly shaped pink object on her bed and pick it up to look at it closer. There’s a switch and it buzzes to life softly. You smirk thinking about what it’s for not knowing that it was a beauty tool. "Seriously though, what do you want me to do?" You turn off the device and toss it in the box.

"I don’t know, sit on the bed and wait for me." You sit down against the headboard, after setting the box down next to the bed as she hangs up. You keep your phone on your face just in case Jules passes by the room and even fake a business conversation. "You really do go all out for any act don't you?" Leigh says as she enters the room, closing and locking the door behind her.

"Why did you lock that?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Leigh, your mom and sister are downstairs!" You warn in a whisper.

"Yes, they are." She climbs on and straddles your lap. "Which means that you are going to have to behave yourself." Leigh cracks another joke but you couldn't tell if she meant it or not. "Don't worry, I'm not trying to screw you right now. I just wanted… I don't know. We haven't really been us? Right?" You confirm that you've noticed it too. "Okay good, it's not just me."

"It's not just you. I think we've been hasty because we think it'll make up for lost time but I don’t think it’s working." It sometimes bothers you about how easily you switched from wanting to wait a year before being in a relationship with her to sleeping with her every chance you got. Plus it was starting to feel like the two of you were trying to prove something but all it was doing was distracting you from the problems you needed to work through. Which wasn't a good thing in the long run and could end badly if you weren’t careful. "And this year has me all fucked up in the head and I haven't figured myself out. I'm not entirely clear on who I am now. There's a lot I don't understand about myself anymore."

"Yeah, I don't necessarily like who I've been becoming. When I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself. Especially not after what I said to Jules in order to get her here." Or what I said to Danny to get him to stay in touch with me. And the fact that I still can't bring myself to talk about it with you. "It’s as if I’m constantly watching this person that looks like me but isn’t me and I can’t stop her from acting the way she does. I feel like the only thing about me that I do recognize is how I feel about you." She looks down at her fingers and in a moment of insecurity asks, "Do you think this new you will still love me?"

Your lips curl up and you take her hands in yours. "Lollipop, every version of me is madly in love with every version of you. That, my love, you will never have to worry about."

"But…"

"How did you know there was a but?"

"I could sense it," she shrugs. "Come on, get it over with. I can handle it."

"Alright, alright. It’s always best to rip off the band-aid, right?” She nods. “I think we need a break from each other. Some time to spend apart to get to know ourselves as individuals and then we can come back and find out how we fit with each other."

"In other words, you don't want me to follow you around the world as you work."

"What would you do anyway? You would go site-seeing for the first week and then get bored long before we move to the next location."

"I wasn't even thinking about joining you before but now you just make it sound so inviting." She moves off of your lap and stands by the bed.

"C'mon. I didn't mean it like that." You swing your legs over the side of the bed so that you're still facing her. "I'm just trying to be realistic about this. In theory, yes, being able to come home to you every night would be amazing. But then that begs the question, what would you be doing all day other than making yourself go crazy? I know I wouldn't want to be cooped up in a small apartment all day. I'd lose it and I'm sure you would too. At that point it's no different than having a dog."

"Oh, so I'm a dog now?"

"Damn, that made more sense in my head."

"You want to know what I think?" Leigh starts. "I think you need to stop living inside your head and fucking live out here for once. Just because something plays out ten different ways inside your head does not mean that any of those outcomes would happen in real life. I'm tired of you and your damn head making decisions on my behalf all of the time."

"Wow okay, then. You want to know what's been going on in my head? Fine. Who have you been texting?" Your defensive response doesn’t surprise you. The recent lack of sleep, paired with all of the thoughts you were letting run on the loose, and the pills you’ve been taking that were supposed to be helping but were only making you worse all led to a very short fuse. It was not something you liked much less had control over. Something you were still working out with your therapist and psychiatrist. However, it does surprise Leigh.

"What?" She asks in an offended tone which almost makes you regret asking. But you continue on.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Okay? I've seen you for the past two weeks walking around secretly texting someone. So who is it? Huh?" You rise from the bed.

"Think about what you're asking."

"I know exactly what I'm asking."

She scoffs and runs her fingers through her hair. "You really think I would do that to you? Really?"

"I don't want to believe that you would. But when I have to find out from Danny something I should've found out from you, yeah, my mind goes there."

"Oh, so you knew and you thought you would what? Trap me into telling you? What the fuck is that about?"

You pause. Why didn't you just ask her about it when you found out? That was something you would have done right away in the past so why not now? "I don't know," you let the words fade. "Shit, I don't know." You fall back onto the bed with your hands on your knees. This wasn't the kind of behavior you wanted to have with Leigh. That's what leads to the wrong kind of relationship and you knew better. You make eye contact with her and are once again reminded of everything that you have been through together. She has sat with you through a number of failed relationships that ended because you had been cheated on. Not to mention that she also has been cheated on. She knew what kind of damage that does, there's no way she would cheat on you. Leigh loves you. She has said it herself before, she only wants you. "Why didn't you feel like you could tell me in the first place?"

Leigh crossed her arms over her chest as she took a moment to come up with an explanation for something she didn't quite understand herself. "I don't know, things have been off. I thought you might not like the fact that I reached out to him. I was worried you might think I have feelings for him or something."

"Do you?"

"Of course not!"

"Okay then. It's not a big deal,” you cut off the running thoughts that maybe she wasn’t being completely honest. She can talk to whoever she wants to without you assuming she was being unfaithful. Besides, it wasn’t as if you owned her. If anything, she owned you. “I think we need to make some adjustments on our communication skills. How is it that after all of these years we've been so bad at it lately?"

Leigh joins you on the bed with a thoughtful expression. "I honestly have no clue. You'd think we wouldn't want to keep any more secrets from each other now that we've finally… y'know. But it's like an old habit that doesn't want to die." She lifts your hand that has a healing scab across the palm. "Why haven't you told me the truth about this?"

"Because it's stupid," you frown as you remember tripping down the trail and the split moment that you thought you were going to die. If there was ever a time to believe in a vengeful spirit it was then. "I went on a hike and fell."

"Seriously, I won't be mad if you tell me what really happened." You're not surprised that she didn't believe you. She has invited you plenty of times to do the activity with her and you would come up with some sort of excuse not to. That was until you came clean about not caring for it. You show her no sign of joking and she furrows her brows. "Why would you go alone? Something worse could have happened to you! What were you thinking?"

You shrug, "I wasn't thinking. I was pissed at Matt and I wanted to scream at him which, of course, I can't so I went on a hike and yelled at the sky instead. Trust me, I've learned my lesson. I won't go back unless you're there by my side. I promise," you hold out the pinkie from your good hand and Leigh fights a smile as she locks hers around it. The action still felt childish even though she took it seriously.

"How did Danny tell you? I thought you two weren’t on speaking terms,” Leigh asks as she continues to trace the healing wound. It tickled a little, which made the area itch, but you liked the softness of her touch so you sat through the discomfort. You watched her finger as you spoke.

“We’re not but you pissed him off so he came over to my house to bitch about you. Went on and on about you sending a million messages every day and then shouting at him in a club,” you shift your gaze from your hand.

Leigh purses her lips in a guilty manner. “In my defense, I was only shouting because the music was insanely loud, I couldn’t even hear myself think.”

“I figured, but he was still pretty upset.” You scoff thinking about the argument that you had with him. “Then I pissed him off because I took your side and defended you when he started calling you names. Nothing nasty just playground shit,” you clarify so that it doesn’t make him sound bad. “I don’t know why he gets surprised by that. It’s not like I ever lied to him and told him that if he makes me choose between you and him that I was going to choose him.”

“Matt always took his side. Maybe he’s just looking for that in you,” Leigh reasons with a frown. You mirror the expression as you think about her words. Could that be why he gets as upset as he does when you take her side? But why would he want you, of all people, to be in his corner? You suppose that the only way to find out is to ask him but it’s not like he would tell you anyway. Besides, how would one ask that kind of question in the first place?

“Maybe. Who knows?”

The aggressive jostle of the door knob startles the two of you to jump apart and Amy knocks but is a little worried about what she might’ve interrupted. It wasn’t like Leigh to lock her door. You hold your chest a little shaken from the disruption and Leigh gets up from the bed to open the door. “Hey, Jules just left for her class. I thought I’d help you with the eyeliner issue you had earlier. I’m not interrupting anything am I?” says Amy as she pokes her head in.

“No, mom. We were just talking,” Leigh answers and opens the door wider.

“Oh, why was the door locked?”

You and Leigh look at each other as if a reasonable explanation would be written on the other's forehead. “I’m curious to know what you think we were doing otherwise, Mrs. Shaw.” You cross your arms over your chest with an accusing tone.

“Yeah, mom. Why do you think I locked the door?”

Amy bounces her eyes between you and her daughter and sighs, “Nevermind, forget I asked. Do you want my help or not?” She asks tiredly. Leigh confirms that she wants her mom’s help and she lifts the box back onto her bed. She smirks and tosses the pink buzzing object at you. At first you catch it then you drop it on the bed shrinking away from it and act grossed out because of what you thought it was. Leigh covers her mouth with her hand as she laughs.

“Yeah, I thought it was a vibrator at first too,” Leigh says.

“It’s not?” You pick it back up. “What the hell is it then?”

“Some sort of cleansing tool. I don’t know how it works but it was included in the box,” she shrugs and hands Amy the eyeliner. “How is it that you know how to do this and I don’t?”

“Because you never had a soul crushing corporate job.” Amy takes the product and positions her daughter. “And you’ve never shown much interest in makeup before.”

“I can’t imagine you ever working for a corporation,” you say conversationally.

Amy scoffs, “Neither can I but I did it for a lot of years. I forgot that you didn’t start coming around until after I freed myself and opened Beautiful Beast. I think I had just opened it too. Wow, I can’t believe it's been fifteen years.”

“Neither can I,” you still don’t know how time keeps passing. It just keeps going without a care. In May and June you had no idea that the world could keep spinning but it does. You jump out of your head before it takes you down again. “That reminds me, has the owner of the building accepted your offer yet? If not I’m sure we can get a couple of investors. I know that you didn’t want to go that route but I know a lot of people that are always looking to just dump money on a good business and won’t bother you.”

“That guy she hired is just gunning for as much money as possible. I think he’s just trying to get a big cut out of it because it’s not nearly worth as much as he keeps looking for. Hold still, Leigh.”

“Well, if it's not worth it, we can start looking for a better building. I know a great real estate agent. I’m sure she can help us out.”

“Wait, wasn’t your last ex a real estate agent?” Leigh asks.

“That would be the one I was talking about.”

“Oh, I remember her. She made a similar offer a couple of years ago, back when you two were together. She was a good one. It was a shock when you two broke up. I thought she was perfect for you. So did your mom, oh boy was she upset. She really thought she was finally going to get to plan a wedding. What ever happened between the two of you?” asks Amy.

You smile and lick your lips as you nervously laugh. What happened was she didn’t like the way you felt towards Leigh. You kept telling her that there was nothing to worry about which wasn’t a lie. Leigh was a newlywed and you had let her go. At least you thought you had. The breakup wasn’t nasty and the two of you were still friendly. Things between the two of you might’ve lasted if you hadn’t brought her as your date to Leigh’s wedding. Amber was possibly the only person there that noticed the way you had been looking at the bride. She knew that you weren’t going to ruin a marriage for your own selfish happiness. But she wasn’t okay with you remaining friends with the person you would always love more than her. She wasn’t okay being second to Leigh. You understood but it sucked because you hoped she would be the one to prove you had moved on. She was the last person you seriously dated before a long string of meaningless hookups and one night stands. “That remains a mystery to this day, Amy. But don’t worry, she’s very professional and happy. She told me that she was seeing someone the last time we talked.”

“Oh? You’ve kept in touch with her?” Leigh says as she admires her mothers work. However, you could hear the underlying jealousy. It was confusing because Leigh wasn’t the type to be upset by something like this. But she did just admit that she doesn’t recognize herself.

“Uh, yeah. We don’t talk often though. I think the last time we spoke was months ago when everything was crazy. She just called to check in on me.”

“And she rubbed her happiness in your face? Doesn’t sound very professional to me.”

“No, I asked her how she was and she was reluctant to tell me about how good things were going for her.” You answer and give Leigh a look that asks if she’s okay but she just shrugs. Amy watches the two of you as she senses the energy of the room. She has always wondered if anything would happen between the two of you but now she thinks something might really be going on. “Anyway, what do you say Amy? I could go give Amber a call right now if you would like. Or I could call the deep pockets. It's up to you.”

Amy looks at her daughter before she tells you to call the investors. She didn’t want them because often investors can be controlling and ruin a good establishment. But if something was going on between you and Leigh she wasn’t going to mess that up by having you call a person that was clearly upsetting her daughter. You leave the room to make the necessary phone calls. Leigh asks her mom the trick with getting her eyes even and then asks her about how to see Matt in her dreams. Of course Amy knew of the methods that didn’t require anything but the mind, they just took years to master and it was clear that’s not what Leigh was looking for. Amy asks her if she would be able to handle trying something that would work instantly and Leigh agrees to it. Anything to see Matt again.

She wanted to confirm her suspicions but Amy knew there was no way Leigh would be upfront about something like that. Instead, she showed Leigh a few more makeup tricks. No one felt like putting up anymore decorations without Jules and instead went about their evening. Amy makes a call to an old friend and Leigh busy’s herself with research to find a good angle on the makeup review she has to do. You leave, claiming to go meet with a few people to get them interested in Beautiful Beast to make it into the women's wellness center that Amy wanted it to be.

While she’s down a rabbit hole of what makeup used to mean in the beginning of its creation, her mom calls her down. She hears laughter and the sound of a man's voice while slowly approaching the sitting room trying to decide if she wants to be there or not. She politely greets Neil and Amy tells her that he brought her a Christmas present. “I like Christmas presents.”

Meanwhile, you are sitting against the hood of your car outside of the building that currently holds Beautiful Beast and a few empty spaces, waiting for Amber to show up. You thought maybe you should get her opinion on the property before you got more people involved. Especially since Amy didn’t think it was worth as much as the guy was asking for. With that information you thought maybe looking elsewhere would be a better option. But you had to be sure.

“Hey there, stranger,” Amber taps your shoulder to draw your attention away from your phone.

“Amber! Hi, it’s been awhile,” you say while pulling her into a friendly hug. “You look good. Have you been good?” You step back from her and stuff your hands into your pockets.

“I’ve been pretty good, can’t complain.” She moves some of her hair behind her ear to show off the ring on her finger.

“Wow, how long have you been together again?” You admire the ring. It was a nice simple ring, a clean white gold band with a tiffany-style round cut. Something perfect for her, she wasn’t one for flashy possessions. That was one of the things about her that reminded you of Leigh.

“We dated for three months and have been engaged for six. Our wedding is soon. We've been talking about getting married since we met, it was the easiest decision when they actually asked me. We’re the cheesy ‘when you know, you know’ couple. We wanted to elope but you know how my parents are, they wanted the whole traditional circus show. My fiance has been wonderful throughout the entire planning process, much better than I have. I swear, my mother would replace me with them if she could. I don’t blame her of course. They are so amazing.” Her eyes brighten as she thinks about her partner and you feel happy that she has that. You’re grateful that she was smart enough to not settle for you because there was no way you would be able to make her as happy as her fiance is. “I am so sorry, I cannot believe that I’ve turned into a ‘we’ person. Enough about me, how are you doing?”

“It’s fine, be happy, hold on to that feeling. Now you know why the ‘we’ people don’t care when the rest of us miserable zombies make fun of them.” She thanks you. “I’m getting better, everyday presents a new challenge but it feels like it’s always been that way. That’s just life, y’know?” You answer vaguely but she looks at you like she is waiting for you to tell her some big news. “What?”

She deflates in disappointment and scoffs at you. “Are you serious? I follow those accounts that post updates about you. Did you and Leigh finally get together? Are you guys happy?”

You hang your head and laugh as you shake it. You collect yourself before you answer her. “Those are just rumors. We’ve just been leaning on each other. Y’know? We take care of one another. It’s been a tough year.” If there was going to be a person you told about the relationship, it definitely could not be Amber. Not with the way Leigh was acting earlier. “Come on, let me show you around. We don’t have a lot of time before I have to head back. Leigh thinks I’m at a dinner trying to get people to be silent partners.”

“Keeping me a secret from her, huh? That doesn’t sound like a rumor to me,” Amber teases. You give her an unamused look and lead her inside. “Okay, okay. You’re single and ready to mingle. I’ll let it go.” She holds her hands up in surrender and you thank her. “Just one last thing. I’m happy for you.” You shake your head at the implication but noticeably struggle at suppressing a smile. She refrains from making a comment.

“What do you think?” You ask after ending the tour.

“It’s solid real estate. How much are they asking for it?” You tell her the current price and she makes a face. “Here’s what we’re going to do.” She opens her binder and starts writing out a game plan. You hug her goodbye and congratulate her again on her upcoming nuptials.

“What were you doing showing Amber around here?”

You jump and turn around holding your chest. “Damnit Jules! You scared me.” She apologizes as she covers her mouth and laughs. You return a sarcastic laugh then she repeats her question. “She’s helping me help your mom buy the building. But listen, you can’t tell your mom or Leigh about this okay?”

Jules wears a shocked expression, “Woah. You want me to keep a secret from Leigh? What did I do for this honor?”

“Hardy har har. Your mom didn’t want me to call Amber for help and Leigh was being weird when I brought her up–”

“That’s not surprising, she hated Amber when you were with her. There was a drinking game. Everytime Leigh made a face when you brought up or brought Amber around, we’d take a drink. Two if she made a passive aggressive comment. I got pretty wasted a few times because of it.” Jules cuts you off. This was news to you, there wasn’t a single moment that you could remember when Leigh was rude towards Amber. But you can recall a lot of arguments because of Amber claiming that Leigh was acting a certain way towards her. You thought she was making it up but evidently, you just weren’t paying attention.

“Huh, suddenly a lot of things make sense. Anyway, please just keep this between us?” You plead with Jules because you didn’t want it to become a big thing. You weren’t going to keep it a secret for long, you just needed to be the one to tell her.

Jules nods and you are about to thank her when an evil smirk grows on her face. “On one condition,” you deflate as you ask her what it is. “All you have to do is answer one question.” You figure that it’s the one she was asking you earlier and figured that there was no harm in telling her the truth. You were going to have to tell people eventually so you agreed to her terms. “Have you always been in love with my sister?” Your eyebrows raise not having expected or prepared for that question. Why was this so much harder to answer? Wasn’t the plan to at some point tell people about you and Leigh and the whole romantic story? It hits you that you haven’t considered it before. Your eyes begin to water and you’re not sure why.

You clear your throat and shove your hands into your pockets. “You’re evil, you know that.” Thankfully, your mental crisis is hidden in the shadows. The parking lot was poorly lit due to the amount of lights that needed a replacement. “Yes, I have always been in love with Leigh. Quite honestly, I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without anyone noticing. Especially Leigh.”

“To be fair, I was never sober enough to notice and Leigh was too busy crushing on you to believe that you would feel the same way.” This sparks your interest. She told Jules?

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Shit, ever since I’ve been sober it’s like I can’t keep my mouth shut about anything anymore.” Jules shakes her head at herself and fidgets with her nails and keys. “I don’t think she still feels that way about you so I don’t want to get your hopes up or anything. But way way back in the day, Leigh had a crush on you. She told me during the one time we smoked weed together. You were dating Jade at the time and I think you told Leigh about getting high with her so she came to me to see what it was all about.” She looks down at the keys as she considers not finishing the story but she needs to help her sister find happiness again. “Once it hit her she started describing everything that she liked about you and then was weeping about how you’ll never feel the same. Turns out if everyone had just communicated and paid better attention to each other we might’ve been able to avoid this year.”

“Oh come on, you wish that you never had Matt in your life?”

“Well, no, I guess I don’t.” She goes quiet again. “Then again, if it meant that the two of you were happy,” she trails and looks at you, but you think of another reason she has to be grateful that life went the way it did.

“If we were happy, do you think you would’ve stopped drinking?”

She squints her eyes at you, “Okay, I see your point.” You can tell that she has something more to say so you give her the opportunity to do so. “Now that you know how she felt once upon a time… Do you think you might do something with that?”

“No, I don’t think I will. Goodnight, Julie Bear.” You walk away and notice that you have a few voice messages from Leight.

“She got me drugs. My mom got me drugs and she helped me smoke them from a crack pipe. It was so weird and the irony was almost too much to handle. But I saw him and it was so real and I couldn’t touch him because the door wouldn’t open and then it was over so fast. Can you come back?”

“Why is your phone going straight to voicemail? And why do you still have that stupid trick answer thingy? I thought you got rid of that when you, I don’t know, became an adult. Anyway, call me back or just come over. You better be alive.”

“I swear if I have to hear you say Hi and then laugh one more time, I’m going to… Well, I don’t know what to threaten you with. I can’t kill you because then you’d be dead and I don’t want that. I would strangle you but something tells me that you’d be into it. Damn… Oh! If you don’t answer my next call, I swear I’m withholding sex for another week.”

Just as the last message ends your phone starts vibrating against your cheek. “Hi,” you hold your breath to keep from breaking.

“Motherfucker, that’s it! I can’t do this anymore,” she sounds so tired. “Wait, where’s the laugh. Hello? Hello? Are you trying to pull a prank on me?”

“Shit, I forgot that the laugh is part of it. I was really trying so hard not to.”

“I’m really starting to question just how much I actually love you.”

“Well I’m on my way, so you better figure out the answer soon.”

“That’s not enough time! It took me fifteen years to figure it out the first time around!” You laugh and are happy to hear that she is in such a good mood. You hear Amy in the background asking what took fifteen years to figure out and Leigh tells you to hold on. “Nothing, don’t worry about it… Yes, exactly that, mom. Drugs, I like drugs now. After fifteen long years of mulling it over I’ve decided that I’m all for it. Do you have more? What do you mean no? I saw how much you bought and how much you gave me. The rest of my christmas gift isn’t for me? Then who is it for? Jules definitely can’t have it. Oh, it’s for you! It’s not for you. Why did you buy so much of it then? Oh, it’s for Y/n? They’re on the phone. Do you want to offer it now or when they come back? Yes, they’re coming back. Mom, it’s not weird that we sleep together... sleep with each… share a bed! It’s not weird that we share a bed every night.”

“Should I hang up?” You laugh at the unintentional radio show that you’re getting from Leigh and Amy. She tells you no but proceeds to hold a conversation with her mom instead. Throughout the entire drive you listen to her and Amy bounce from one topic to the next.

“Wow, you’re still on the phone.”

“You said I couldn’t hang up,” you say in a high pitched fake defensive tone.

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you would have listened.”

“Oh please, Leigh. You’ve had Y/n whipped since the day you two met,” Amy chimes in.

“Mom!” Leigh says in surprise and your jaw drops.

“What? It’s true!” You hear Amy say through Leigh’s laughter before the call ends. When you get there, Amy does offer you the DMT but you didn’t feel like you were in the right headspace for it and admitted to being on medication. Leigh bit her tongue on the subject, she has never believed in those pills doing anyone any kind of good. With the exception of certain types of people. However, with the types of depression you and Matt have suffered from, she believes that those pills only make the problems worse. She remembers seeing only the slightest of positive changes in Matt’s mood every time he was on those things. But he was still depressed and moody and almost never wanted to be with her. She knew that you only gave them a chance when it felt like it was going to help you regain the control over yourself that you thought you had lost. Leigh just had to wait for you to notice that it was only making you more out of control.

Everyone goes to bed shortly after you reject the offer and Leigh is happy to curl herself against you for the first time in weeks. She whispers that she loves you and kisses your cheek. You grab the hand she hit you with months ago and kiss her palm. There was a night that she admitted that she still hadn’t forgiven herself for it so now you kiss her hand every night to remind her that you forgive her.

You oversleep the next day and don’t leave the bed until noon. It takes you a while to find her because she decided to do her work on the back porch, you weren’t even checking there. You had already given up and made yourself a cup of tea and felt like enjoying it out there. She moved her notes off of the seat next to her and patted it, you sat down and asked her why she didn’t wake you earlier. “I tried but you were out and you looked so at peace. I didn’t want to disrupt that.” Leigh takes your hand and holds it while the two of you sit in silence and stay out there for a few hours simply enjoying each other's company. While she worked on her article, you sipped your tea and gazed out into the backyard as you daydreamed. It was a calm day. Then Jules texted to let everyone know that she was coming over in an hour to help finish the family traditions.

Leigh didn’t admit it but she was excited to do the gingerbread house with her sister. It was something they did as a family every year and it was the only time she was willing to admit that her younger sister was better at than her. But one hour turned into two and then three and when Jules finally did walk through she got pretty upset. You were assisting Amy with attaching the light bulbs to the string of lights when Leigh started to pick a fight with Jules by acting like her sister was being rude and accusing her of being passive aggressive. Jules was trying to be civil and sat beside you to help with the lights but Leigh was still giving her attitude and decided to mention her amazing experience with Matt. Which of course confused her sister and Amy only offered a vague explanation that made Jules feel alienated from her family.

She gets up and goes to the kitchen to grab her things so she can leave and you and Amy follow her. You try to tell her to stay but Leigh says that she should just go. You scold her but she is unapologetic, a major shift from the soft woman that she was only hours ago. Amy continues to try and convince her daughter to stay home but Jules doesn't feel comfortable returning when she doesn’t feel welcomed or part of the family. Then she makes the mistake of pointing out that it was her first Christmas without Matt before pointing out that it was her first Christmas sober. Which if she had only pointed out the latter, the night might have gone differently. Instead she receives a sarcastic reply from Leigh that she fires back by calling her a bitch. The argument between them continues with you and Amy standing on the sidelines uselessly calling out their names to get them to stop.

“At least I am not a total sociopath who’s lying through her teeth!” Jules fires back. You finally walk over to try and defuse the situation but Jules is fired up and not backing down. She turns to you and points an accusing finger at her sister. “No, Y/n! Don’t try to defend her! She can’t shut up about her dead husband, meanwhile she’s having sex with someone on the sly!” You gulp but turn to Leigh acting as if this is news to you.

“What is she talking about?”

Behind you Amy is just as shocked and a little disappointed, “What?”

“Yeah,” Jules faces Leigh, who is stunned silent. “I heard you having sex with someone the other day when you probably thought no one was home. ” Your eyes widened slightly but not enough for anyone to catch on. Well shit.

“What were you doing spying on me?” Leigh asks calmly and avoids looking in your direction.

“I wasn’t! I live here too. What idiot sneaks around in a house where other people live? I forgot something so I came home to grab it and when I walked in the house you were louder than a fire alarm! I’m surprised I couldn’t hear you all the way from the studio!” I’m surprised you didn’t do better detective work and spot my car, you think to yourself.

“What, you’re sleeping with someone?” Amy asks, trying to keep up with the conversation.

“That’s a little overkill, okay? And I cannot believe you’re slut-shaming me!” Leigh exclaims.

“Who?” Amy presses. She hoped it would be the answer she wanted.

“Yeah, Leigh, who is it?” Jules takes a quick glance at you and you feel your throat go dry. “They must be pretty special if you’re willing to risk getting caught.” She knows, you begin to internally panic. Is that why she suddenly started to question your relationship with Leigh?

“That is her business, Jules. She doesn’t have to answer that,” you are preparing to list the things that you’ve kept a secret for Jules. Not that you wanted to go down that petty path but if she thought this was the time to out you and Leigh and shame the relationship you weren’t going down without a fight.

“Oh my god, it was meaningless! It’s no one special and it’s none of anyone’s business!” Leigh says to shut down the subject. You know that she didn’t mean that and she was only trying to maintain the secret. But it hurt to hear her say that you weren’t special to her.

“Keep your gross secrets! I don’t even care anymore! I am done with this,” Jules gathers her coat, bag, and keys. “You know what? Team Shaw is bullshit and I can’t believe it took me so long to figure out that you’ll never change! I don’t want to be part of this family.” Amy is overwhelmed with her daughter's words and exits the kitchen. You take a seat feeling the fight leave you and exhausted from the whole ordeal. “You’re a terrible family!” You want to tell her to take that back but that will do more harm than good so you let her express how she feels as she makes her exit. “You should get out while you still can, Y/n. Before it’s too late.” You furrow your eyebrows at her suggestion but don’t acknowledge the comment.

“Stop it! We are supposed to be all that we have!” Amy shouts before ascending the stairs. Jules stares at Leigh before rushing over to the front door.

“So I’m a meaningless hook-up but seeing an illusion of Matt is some amazing experience?” You say once the door slams shut.

“That’s not what I–”

“Leigh, I have been patient and have let a lot of things slide. But I'd be lying if I said that didn’t hurt because I think deep down you did mean that. Deep down there is a part of you that does see me as some meaningless hook up,” you give her the moment to correct you or argue with you but she says nothing. Leigh looks away from you and stares into her glass of water. “I can’t keep lying to myself about how those comments make me feel or to you because your sister was right. Everyone has been letting you get away with a lot. I’m part of the problem, I make sure that you get away with it. But I don’t think it’s doing you any good. Do you?” Again you are met with silence. She wanted you to cut to the chase and leave because that was how you dealt with things. Sure, the timing of work was in your favor this time but she could feel you slipping away from her no matter how tight she tried to hold on. “We never finished our conversation yesterday.” Her eyes shut tightly, there it was.

“You are my boomerang,” Leigh whispers to herself. You catch the words but they don’t make sense to you. She repeats herself, only this time she looks up at you. “After the first couple of times you left and came back I started to tell myself that. Because that’s what you are. I don’t have to stand here and tell you your history or your pattern, you know it. I thought I had lost my favorite person every time you left, especially when I had no idea when you were coming back. If you were coming back. Once it became clear that you would, that little saying got me out of bed everyday.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t–”

“You weren’t supposed to. You think that you protect me and let me get away with so much, including unintentionally hurting you. But you don’t see all of the things I’ve let you get away with, protected you from, or even the ways you’ve hurt me.” You clamp your mouth shut because she was right. There were a lot of times that you were childish and treated her poorly and anytime you were reminded of them the guilt would eat at you. But you had no way of knowing how to make it up to her so you did everything you possibly could. “At least this time I have an estimate of when you’ll come back so just go. Do whatever it is that you have to. I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go.” You hold her cheek as a tear slips out and she lets herself leann into the touch for a second before she removes your hand.

“Lollipop,” you say softly.

She shakes her head, “No, Y/n. I know you and this is what you need. You’ve given me everything. It would be selfish of me to take anything more from you. This is how you deal with things. Nothing else has ever worked for you, so go.” You step away and let her know that you had to grab your things from upstairs. Once you have your phone, wallet, and car keys you ask her if you could give her a goodbye kiss. “Why? This isn’t goodbye. This is just… I don’t know if there is an appropriate term for this. But it certainly isn’t goodbye.”

“Then why does it feel like it is?” She doesn’t answer because she doesn’t have one. Instead she kisses your cheek and pulls your foreheads together for a few seconds. You shut your eyes and when you open them again she is gone and you have to leave. As you drive home you make a promise to yourself that this is the last time you run away from her.

Chapter 13

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#should've told you #fanfiction #leigh shaw #leigh shaw imagine #leigh shaw x reader #leigh shaw x y/n #leigh shaw x you #sorry for your loss #sorry for your loss imagine #fanfic fanfiction

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caesthetix · 3 years

Text

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER — Pt. 1 Blind Belief

↪Eren Yeager mini-series

↪content; major character death, canon universe, heavy angst, established relationship, spoiler for season 4

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Usually, if you and the rest of your friends were together, the room would never be this quiet. The second you guys walked into a private space together, someone would let out a joke or harmless snide, followed by laughter and a half-assed reply.

But not now, not when someone was missing from this circle of friendship.

Everything was still so vivid in your mind, in all of your minds. How you cheered after the attack in Marley could be considered a success, your arms wrapped around Sasha and teased her that she would be back to eat Niccolo's food — and then seeing him again, now with brown hair reaching his shoulders and a thin facial hair adorning his face.

There was an urge to tackle him with affection, you even let out a sob the second you laid your eyes on him in Marley. Though Jean assured you that there would be time for that. And with how your lover had his hands restrained within handcuffs and chains, you knew that now was not even the right time.

Those emerald eyes darkened when they fell on you, as if he was so disgusted by your mere presence. The excitement and longing that you felt was gone in an instant as you tensed up from his cold upbringing.

He was not hostile to anyone, anyone else but you.

With a heavy heart, you decided to just get back to the rest of your friends, letting Armin and Mikasa handle whatever would happen next. You could feel his emerald eyes weighing your body for every footstep that you took. But you never turned your face to him, afraid to see such emotion twirled inside his orbs.

What happened next felt like time passed in slow motion.

You closed the metal door, leaning your back as you took a deep breath. Connie was waving his hand toward you, laughter and cheers filled the room, and you could not help but smile, letting the joy of winning this attack seep into your heart instead of swallowing in worry of why your lover looked at you like that.

And then you saw it, little hands crawling up inside the airship. You saw it, when two familiar kids that you knew as warrior candidates infiltrated the place you were in. And you saw it too — the long rifle on her tiny hands, one eye closed as she aimed it at anyone, would be good if it was an important person.

You could not process what happened next after that.

Your feet brought you fast to your friends, ignoring how some of the soldiers looked at you with a question mark on top of their heads. You could not breathe, you were almost there, you just needed to push them all away and they would be saved.

Bang!

You gasped as you could feel the bullet grazing your hip. The pain was excruciating even for you, you felt it once leaving a hole in your arms back then inside Reiss Chapel, and now you felt it again. But thinking about your own injury was not your priority right now.

Your priority was to open your eyes and scan the faces of your friends. Connie was looking in your direction with jaw hanging slack. Jean had his pupils widened at the sight of you — and how your arms wrapped around Sasha's neck.

It was warm, suddenly you could feel a warm liquid seeping through your uniform at a rapid pace. A second later and crimson was now splattered upon your face as your friend choked out blood.

The next, her body went limp. The next, your vision was blinded with tears.

You pushed Jean away as he screamed at you to snap out of it, one hand gently touched your wound that you could not feel as your heart was ripped apart, even way more painful than the physical pain.

The night was not supposed to end like this, with the death of your comrade, with the death of your best friend. Meat, that's what she said. That was the last word that slipped from her lips.

It suited her. When you let the word roll down your tongue, it was so Sasha.

To remember someone as gluttonous as her even thinking about sharing the precious food all those years ago, you could only let out a bitter laugh.

Your fingers slipped in between her damped strands of hair, full of battle sweat. She loved it, saying that it made her feel secure, but only if you were the one who did that. No one else but you, not even the handsome chef.

You were supposed to do that with her head laying on your thigh, both of you rambling about what food Niccolo would cook for everyone once the airship touchdown safely in the Island of Paradis, home.

But it was not possible as the light in her eyes was forever gone, soon followed with pitch-black flooding your vision.

You let out a sigh to stop yourself from recalling the night even more. Your head was gently resting on Jean's shoulder, opposite you was Armin and Mikasa, both quiet as they were busy with their own thoughts.

"How is your wound?" Jean whispered as he knew how quiet it was in the room, didn't want to bother the others with the chit-chat. His question made your hand move subconsciously from your thigh to touch the bandaged side of your hip. "Is it still hurting?"

You chuckled softly at his question, which earned you a raised eyebrow from your friends as they were now focused on your direction. Not wanting to worry them, you raised one of your hands to dismiss their concern aside.

"I am fine, it was nothing." Clearing your throat, you tried to sound as sure as possible. "You guys knew I felt worse than this before."

Slipping a laugh from your lips, your friends were all having a thin smile on their faces. You were always the positive one, a naive — if they decided to go with what people said about you. Someone so pure and caring to everyone that she loved, yet if something endangered her loved one, she could turn into a monster.

"He didn't even say anything."

But the warm atmosphere only lasted for a few seconds.

"He knew that you were injured, that you lost so much blood too." Connie's eyes never left the windows in front of him, he was the only one who didn't smile at your attempt to loosen up. "But what?" You glanced at him, seeing how his hand balled into a fist. "That bastard Eren didn't even blink or care for you."

"Connie!"

Mikasa hissed at the truth that was being thrown in the air. She didn't know what angered herself more at this point. It was either how Connie insulted Eren for being apathetic, or his words that she knew too well left a sting of pain in your heart.

"Mikasa, it's al—" You stood up abruptly in an attempt to calm her down, but the pain jolted on your hips, making you gasp as you felt the wound stretch a little. She ignored Connie, and in an instance was striding beside you as her hand rested on your back, easing you to sit down again beside Jean.

"Don't rush. You are still healing."

The ravenette had her hands going up and down to distract you from the pain, Connie was silent for a while as he felt guilty for lashing out like that. You couldn't blame him, he lost half of his soul once Sasha took her last breath. You knew the pain, you were just better at hiding it.

Silence engulfed the room once again as your friends focused on making you feel better. You didn't want to worry them, and you could only curse at yourself for hissing out of pain like that before.

Connie was distressed, no. Everyone was distressed at this point for losing a dear friend. You knew at the back of their minds, they would think that this grief they felt right now would never exist if only Eren did not try to infiltrate Marley with the rest of the Survey Corps.

Well, that was true, but you felt like there was more to it. There must be a reason why your lover wanted to show up this night. Either it was just because he wanted to get revenge as fast as he could (a reason that you thought was enough to remember how emotional he used to be), or maybe it was just a start of a longtime plan, but you just believed that there would be a good reason for his doing.

"I am going to talk to him."

You voiced out your thoughts, and that even made Connie whip his face toward you. "He must have felt so lonely down there." With your head hanging low, fingers fiddling around the promise ring that was given by Eren after all of you reclaimed Shiganshina, you were making up your mind. "Maybe I could get him to talk, any kind of information would be important, right?"

Your friends looked at you as if you were crazy. Everyone could see how much he had changed. From a suicidal maniac, to now an empty, emotionless human. They even wondered if he was still human or not with how eerie his aura could be from time to time.

"Don't be stupid, he didn't even say anything when Captain Levi asked him." Jean scoffed as he straightened his back, perhaps wanting to intimidate you.

"Jean is right, with how unstable Eren is right now, we know if he wanted to, he would do something drastic." The soft voice that belonged to Armin filled the room, the gear inside his brain never stopped spinning to think of all the possibilities that might come if you decided to confront the long-haired brunette.

Mikasa stayed silent, while Connie felt like he needed to say something. But as his eyes landed on your pained expression, he decided to shut his mouth for now. He wouldn't say anything, at least not when you were around, not with how much you loved Eren and his words might make you sad even more.

"But I need to." You said out loud sternly, in the process, are demanding everyone to agree. "He loves you, all of you. But his love for me was not just a friendship or brotherhood bond." You squint your eyes a little as your words felt like you were trying to convince yourself. "It's romantic love." And it was stronger.

They gulped when they heard your statement. Even Armin could not argue that you might be the only one who could make Eren open up. You never pitied him, you were there to support, to cheer, to believe that he would be alright, even on the battlefield that was supposed to worry you with how low the chances of survival was.

And with how you treated him, the blonde knew that his best friend appreciated you even more than Mikasa. Because you treated him like a man, because you believed in his ability to manage a life and death situation, because even though you mourn with him while he was thinking about his mother, you were there to provide comfort, not to gaze at him with orbs full of pity.

"Even though we all agree to that," Armin paused, thinking for the right words. "How are you going to visit him? No one was allowed to go down there."

There was a smug smile tugged on your lips as you stood up, palms dusting your wrinkled clothes before walking toward the door. Your aura was reeking with confidence as if you had everything planned out. The blonde should have known by now. Whatever happened, nothing could actually separate you from Eren.

"Well, Armin, you knew that Hange had a soft spot for me, right?" You wiggled your eyebrows playfully, earning a little chuckle from your friend. "If only you guys showed interest too when they talked about titan, which is actually interesting despite their non-stop excitement, you all might get some extra privilege!"

Jean shook his head in amusement when he thought about it, you were the only one (except maybe Moblit — oh, Moblit, you missed that man) that could listen to Hange rambling about how magnificent titan was.

Mikasa and Armin only showed soft smiles for seeing your antics, while Connie just stayed silent and scratched his now (slightly) longer hair.

"Alright you suicidal girlfriend, go on then." Jean playfully insulted you, making you snort for it had been months since the last time you heard that nickname. "Just don't move around too much, walk like a proper lady."

"Bruh, even Historia walked like she stomped the ground anywhere she went." You rolled your eyes before settling your hand on the door's handle. "And she is the queen."

Jean snickered from your words before laying his back on the soft cushion. Somehow feeling at ease that the tension from before was now slowly replaced with a relaxed atmosphere. You hummed softly before opening up the door, now ready to search for Hange.

Hopefully, this plan will work out. Hopefully, he could open up to you.

"Alright, see you—"

"Be careful, okay?"

You jolted, slightly taken aback when Connie cut you off. Something was lingering there as he spoke, as if he knew something that you didn't know. It was like a warning, telling you not to let your guard down.

"My, my, Connie." You let out a soft chuckle and take a peek from your shoulder to look at your friends once more. "This is just Eren, he wouldn't do anything to me." Assurance, always tried to make everyone around you felt better. And you could see from the corner of your eyes that Connie's shoulders started to relax.

Gripping the handle a little bit tighter, you sighed before dazzling them with a wide smile. "Okay, see you guys later. Love you all!"

Your ears didn't find any answers from them. But the snort that you heard, and the little chuckle and a visible smile on their faces were enough for you to close the door behind with a soft click. Now you were ready.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ༶•┈┈⛧┈〄┈⛧┈┈•༶ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Once you left, the room was once again engulfed with silence. An impatient sigh slipped from Jean as he peered at the clock wall once again. It had been around an hour after you left. With how long you have been out, they were all sure that somehow you could get a yes from Commander Hange.

Though, he could not remember how it came to this. At first, they were all just talking about the war, the infiltration in Marley, or what Commander Pyxis thought about the plan. They were all sharing what they thought, everything was civil.

Until Connie asked, with terror in his eyes, whether Eren who was now locked behind the bar, was the same person that they all used to know. Jean knew that he should have kept his mouth shut, he should not have argued back to Mikasa.

But he was desperate, he wanted her to see the truth.

"That must be because he trusts us!"

Yet he knew, no matter how much Eren would stray into the darkness, even though sometimes there were times when she doubted, she would follow that man.

Just like you, sadly, just like you.

But you were so much more in another level of faith.

Both you and Mikasa put Eren on a pedestal. You were like his worshipper, giving your heart completely to the man with emerald eyes as if he was God. Praises would be sung, and no matter how your mind was a lot more rational than the ravenette woman, you would still believe him as the most devoted follower.

And Mikasa saw him as a saviour, extending his hand to her so she could keep on living. She believed that without him, she would have died a long time ago. To know that a man like Eren Yeager had not one but two powerful people who would gladly do anything for him, made Jean's blood boil.

"Mikasa," Connie whispered out, finally turning to face them all again. Even though Jean currently had his head hanging low, somehow he could see the terror in his friend's eyes. "What do you think Eren did when Sasha died? What do you think he did when he saw (Y/n)'s unconscious body with blood all over her torso?"

Mikasa was lost, it was as if she wanted to plug her ears so she could not hear what came next. "Do you think he cried? Do you think he was frustrated?" His voice was stable, yet everyone could hear the sorrow coated in his words. "He didn't even panic when he saw his goddamn lover with a weak pulse!"

"Connie, stop it."

"That bastard laugh, Mikasa! That bastard you called family dared to laugh when Sasha died!" And now the dam has broken. "I wonder what he found so funny. Which part of Sasha's death?" The water had flooded their mind, the truth once again made them question their comrades.

Connie did not want to break you even more, holding back his question before when you were there. And on top of that, he knew that somehow you could make them believe in Eren with how smooth you were with words.

He could see how you would stand up and hug him, he could hear your whisper of how Eren's laugh was something out of grief, maybe because that man remembering something beautiful from the past that made him mad at the universe. He knew that you would do anything to make sure they all still believed in Eren without force. Just by your words.

Maybe that was the reason why Connie spoke up now. Because he knew that Mikasa could never answer his question, so he could have someone to blame, so his selfish mind could at least unleash his frustration on someone else.

"Tell me, Mikasa." He continued, needing to release his sadness away by anger. "You know everything about Eren, right?" An answer would never slip from the woman, so he pushed, again and again. "Why did he laugh over Sasha's death? Why was he not even afraid that his girlfriend could be dead too?!"

Knock knock.

Connie gasped for air.

He leaned his back to the window, hands slowly went up to his head, nails scratching on his scalp as he tried to compose himself. No one knew who that was. And they immediately straightened up their posture as they waited for their guest to come in.

If it was you, you would just open up the door with a bang, as childish as you could get. They would see a smile and excitement beaming from you as you gushed at how glad you were to have a chance to talk with your lover. Your friends could see it all, knowing how predictable you were sometimes, especially when it came to Eren Yeager.

But they surely did not expect Commander Hange themselves to be the one behind the door. Jean, Mikasa, and Armin immediately stood up. Connie walked toward Jean before they were altogether given the surprisingly quiet commander a perfect salute.

"At ease."

This was scary. They all just got back from a traumatic infiltration with how their closest comrades died in the battle. The Commanders themselves gave them some time to relax, telling them that the report and meeting would be held tomorrow instead of right after their return.

So now, they were all questioning the same thing.

Why would Commander Hange have an expression that they would only show when the situation was deadly serious?

Armin's brain never stopped working, he tried to understand the situation by scrutinizing every detail that he could find from the veteran scout. Hange's body was still, lips shaped into a thin line as their eyes fell into the air. They didn't look at any of them, eyes empty as if they were trying to drain any kind of emotion out from their heart.

"This would be hard for all of you."

That was the first sentence that they said after a long pause. Breathe in, breathe out, blue eyes that belonged to Armin now could see the sweat and the tremble on Hange's hand. He could only swallow a huge lump as he waited for further information. "I shouldn't have let—"

The commander cleared their throat when realisation dawned upon them that they almost broke down in front of those who deserved to know the truth. Fast.

Everyone was now alarmed with how vulnerable their commander was standing in front of them. Hange that was never let anyone control their fear and emotion, now completely ruined with whatever guilt that seeping inside their mind. Everyone thought the same thing. "I am sorry."

They were broken.

Mikasa was now agitated. She wanted to push them for just spitting out the information. All she ever wanted was just rest, and with how the commander had something that they needed to share, somehow she doubted that she could get any rest soon.

"(Y/n)'s dead."

And now, she was sure that she could not even get any rest at all.

"I found her body already slumped on the ground."

She was screaming, a massive headache struck her as if it would split her head into two. Armin tried to calm her down, but it was no use with how panic his voice sounded right now, not even including the hiccup and sob that followed after as he finally processed the information.

Connie laughed like a maniac, thinking it was a joke. Now maybe he knew why Eren laughed when he heard Sasha's death. This was too painful to understand, too much to be taken in one night after everything that happened just a few hours ago.

And then there was Jean, who only had his legs wobbled a little.

"Where?"

Jean was the only one who dared to ask, who was still collected enough to push all the truth on the table. "Commander Hange, with all due respect. I needed to know. We needed to know." Even in between all the sobs and agonizing screams, the two scouts stared at each other with an unreadable expression on both of their faces.

"Commander Hange," He called out again, "Where did you find her?"

Silence.

Four pairs of eyes immediately flee toward the brown-haired scout.

They all indeed — needed to know.

"Eren's cell."

Everyone gasped, simultaneously. And they thought about the same thing, they were sure that someone tried to kill Eren and you were caught in between. They already had their eyes blazing with fire, ready to hunt down whoever dared to steal your life away.

Maybe a Marleyan, yes, or maybe some random soldier who had seen so many deaths on the infiltration that made them mad.

But the world was just as cruel as it was already.

They could only wish it were that simple.

"And there was no sign of someone breaking in."

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heinzpilsnergonewild · 3 years

Text

Vegeta’s Character Analysis Looooooooooong Read

Oh my, what can I say? I just really love to write long essays in a language that isn’t even native to me, lol.

Well, nobody’s perfect, I guess. ... Were you expecting a Cell joke here? I may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean I have to be that predictable.

Ahem, anyway.

This isn't exactly a psychological analysis of the character - more like, hmm, a storytelling analysis. Or something in between, really.

You may not find anything fundamentally new in this text, but I definitely had fun writing it, haha.

It's mostly amateur. I have a useless psychology degree, but not a literature one.

My classic rant about vegebul fics is included, of course.

Summary: proper psychological analysis requires a single continuous personality, which Vegeta simply doesn’t have.

The more I think about Vegeta, the more I come to the conclusion that he is only pretending to be a consistently evolving character.

In fact, he's a bit like 10 different characters in one, which abruptly replace each other (and that's without considering the difference caused by the voice actors’ approach and the changes in his looks). Essentially, Vegeta's a collection of disparate images, arbitrarily lined up by Toriyama and hastily glued together. And the beginning of this line is so far from the end of it that these two extreme images cannot be perceived as belonging to the same person. Well, because human psychology just doesn't work that way.

(Not that Vegeta is unique in this respect – it’s a common feature of characters in long stories that authors compose as they write. Still, his case is quite extreme and interesting as example.)

I mean, take Vegeta in the Saiyan or the Namek arc. He's a complete psychopath. He clearly doesn’t suffer at heart from the unnecessary violence (as, for example, Guts from Berserk). His behavior looks like something natural for him, not an unhealthy defensive reaction. He enjoys it, he smiles happily, killing and torturing weak innocent people. And such a degree of psychopathy is not something that can be healed by a couple of deep personality crises or years of peaceful family life. Vegeta's redemption arc works through strong emotional impact and forgetfulness of the audience, but makes very little sense when viewed in retrospect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps the biggest, hmm, splitting of the personality occurred with Vegeta right after the Namek arc. Toriyama had already made a small retcon of the character’s motives before (to include Vegeta in the context of the Freeza army after the Saiyan arc), but it didn't feel that drastic.

You see, until Vegeta was invited to Bulma’s house…..

(Gosh, Toriyama, you could’ve done it more subtly, really. Vegeta killed Yamcha, threatened to kill Bulma, gutted Zarbon in front of her eyes, slaughtered an entire Namekian village... Oh well.)

…Ahem, anyway, right up to Bulma's invitation, Vegeta looked to me like a character who, hmm, has a life of his own? I mean, you have always felt that his motives and behavior were generated by the bizarre social system, not related to the little world of Goku and his friends. Simply put, Vegeta was a natural product of the big space civilization, an organic part of it. His whole personality was formed by it, all his plans, motivation and ambitions were associated with it. And although in the Saiyan arc, he gave the impression of an independent entrepreneurial chief at the head of a small hierarchy, in the Namek arc it was revealed that Vegeta is actually far from independent. He lost his throne and his people, he was in slavery to the tyrant all his life, and wants to take power for himself. So, his social background and the motives caused by it post factum get much more complex. But in short, Vegeta wanted a highest possible position in the hierarchy he knew. In this way, he was… social? His belonging to the Saiyan race was only a small (although important) part of the overall picture. Because the Saiyans were dead, but the Freeza Empire was alive.

But when Toriyama realized Vegeta's popularity and decided to keep him in the story after Namek, it came as a blow to the character's personality. Apparently, the author simply couldn't come up with an elegant way that could keep the character in all its complexity around, and therefore did a very clumsy thing. He roughly cut Vegeta out of his social context and almost forcibly glued him to the main character group like a poorly done appliqué. But although you see rough edges and glue drips, the story moves on rapidly, distracting you with Freeza and Future Trunks, and you don't stop to think about what happened. This is how, almost imperceptibly, Toriyama changed Vegeta's motives (and, consequently, the basis of his personality). Yes, Vegeta's saiyan pride was also significant part of his character previously, but when it became his sole and central motivation after Namek, you feel like a very big and important piece of him has been arbitrarily cut off. This wouldn't have happened if Toriyama had followed the logic of previously established social motives, rather than his desire to make Vegeta a convenient figure. Now, bound hand and foot by the author, the character is forced to behave as the plot requires.

Still, all this can be justified by the fact that Vegeta experienced a deep emotional shock as a result of death, which forced him to rethink his life priorities and wait for Goku (especially in the manga, where he just lived with Bulma for a whole year after Namek, without even trying to use dragonballs) ... And then he waited for the androids (despite the final death of Freeza and his father, which was an excellent chance to try to take over the decapitated empire). Anyway, this rationalization doesn't negate the fact that the character, as a result, has lost a significant part of the fire that he demonstrated in the Namek arc. His new energy, the energy of obsession with surpassing Goku, turns him into a new character – bitter, marginalized and focused on training.

(Ironically, the very splitting that made him a less attractive character in my eyes allowed vegebul to take place. After all, imagining the romantic relationship of the nice Bulma and Vegeta at the height of his villainous ambition is really difficult. That just would be a psychologically implausible story.)

In the Android and Cell arcs, after brief glimpses of the SSJ superiority, Toriyama turned Vegeta into a plot tool, whose personality flaws he could use to spoil the situation favorable for the heroes. As a result, Vegeta continued to be an angry and unhappy character who has lost most of his charisma, but on top of that, he also started to be really annoying. ... Still, also kinda amusing thanks to his truly impressive inability to draw obvious conclusions from the ego bruises he gets.

(If you ask me, the character's biggest contribution to the Cell arc was to ignore the existence of condoms, lol. Although strictly speaking even it was an achievement of Future Vegeta (RIP). But seriously, Vegeta's relationship with Trunks turned out to be one of the few things that I was really interested in about this part of the story.)

And then there was Goku’s death and the 7-year-gap. ... At the end of which Vegeta still didn't look like a happy man who has found his place in the world. Even though he had seven whole years (and a spaceship) to change something. I mean, this is the case when it'd be logical to expect changes in the character, but for some reason they didn't really happen (or they did, but veeery quietly and unstable). I mean, Vegeta trains with Trunks, yes. And he's married to Bulma now, apparently (which we learn only at the end of the arc though). And he hasn’t killed himself yet, which means that he sees some meaning in his existence. Hurray, I guess?.. The problem is that when we first see Vegeta after the timeskip, he keeps walking around with such a sullen expression, as if Goku had died just yesterday. (Remember Vegeta in the Saiyan arc? He smiled quite often. For the wrong reasons, but hey.) Basically, Toriyama tried to sit on two chairs at the same time here - 1) keep Vegeta as recognizable as possible (because he hasn't decided what to do with him yet) and 2) keep him around (which doesn't make sense for the character if he hasn't undergone significant changes during the timeskip). And the result of this hesitant approach is an undesirable effect - it feels as if Vegeta hasn't built a new life for himself all these years, but only waited for Goku to return.

As if the man is unable to evolve without Goku's influence. Until Kakarot does or says something, or is just around, everyone else in Vegeta's life and his own reflection has little or no meaning. Old social ambitions? His wife and child? New insights gained from life on Earth? Pffft. Goku is able to destroy the seven years’ worth progress (no matter how small it may seem) in one day, and at the same time, one fight with him is enough for Vegeta's character development to jump forward explosively. It sounds like a solid ground for shipping, but In fact it’s just a direct consequence of the author's poorly chosen narrative structure.

The thing is, Toriyama tend to avoid romance and slices of life, and shows Vegeta's personality mainly through fights and their consequences. And at the time Goku just turned out to be the only significant character for Vegeta, the fight against whom could be used as an excuse to develop the character in front of the audience. Well, Toriyama couldn't get Vegeta to fight Bulma or himself, you know.

I believe that the plot structure chosen by the author (rapidly changing action events immediately after a long timeskip) is not a very good basis for a redemption arc. For a good redemption, a character had to have screen time during which small changes accumulate gradually, between the big points. And Vegeta simply didn't have it. Besides, the scheme by which Vegeta develops is really messy. Because at first, Toriyama kinda froze his development at the neutral point (thereby partially devaluing the influence of Vegeta's family on him). Then in one moment, the author abruptly reversed even this the-end-of-the-Cell-arc development with Majin Vegeta (this time completely devaluing the family factor, because the betrayal was Vegeta’s conscious decision). God, how I hated the Majin Vegeta idea. And in the next scene, the author made a quick retcon, which gave the family’s influence the status of a ground for Vegeta’s personal growth again for no apparent reason. It's as if a huge bundle of family values was post factum squeezed into the character in defiance of everything that we just saw with our own eyes. This is a complete narrative mess.

But... oddly enough, Vegeta's redemption still manages to work, and work spectacularly. My guess is that it's because by that time the audience is already SO sick of Vegeta, frozen in his bitter anti-heroism, that it desperately wants the author to finally do something new with the miserable guy. Well, at least get him out of his misery. So people are willing to accept it in any possible form.

... And the author chose the form of a powerful emotional catharsis. The explosion was legendary, haha.

I don't even know if this is a good reason to call Toriyama a genius (after all, he found a very clever way out of a difficult situation, in which he found himself thanks to his own bad decisions.)

The only thing I'm sure of is that despite everything I was very sad because of Vegeta's death. I didn't even realize that I had become emotionally attached to this asshole until he made such a spectacular exit, lol. As if something had broken inside of me, and all the analyticity of my mind couldn’t prevent it. I was surprised when I found myself crying really hard - usually my emotions don't reach this level due to fictional stories. (Well, maybe it was due to the fact that my own father was dying of cancer at that time, and the moment just triggered my emotions. ... Oops, it seems a little too personal, doesn't it? Well, at the end of the day, this fact is an integral part of my unique dbz experience. Come to think of it, in dbz, fathers die regularly).

But while this scene greatly affects emotions and forces a new viewer (or reader) to truly reconsider their attitude towards the character for the first time, the absence of a neat gradual movement towards this moment weakens its influence somewhat.

At this point, Vegeta’s character splits once again (perhaps the last time within DBZ). You simply cease to understand who this man really is and who he was before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, when I look at all the images of Vegeta in general, I come to the conclusion that I like this character the most in the first two arcs and in the end of the last arc. Two directly opposite moral poles.

(Funny enough, because my initial reaction to Vegeta and Nappa was annoyance: "Well hello, the next stereotypical villains who like to chat and laugh maliciously instead of simply killing their victims." (Still, against the background of Freeza, Vegeta turned out to be a much lesser evil in every sense, haha). You see, usually I'm not a person who likes villains. Basically, I only distinguish such characters from others as a result of romance or redemption. It’s only after that I begin to see aesthetics in their villainous charisma as well.)

And now, in retrospective, I believe that at the beginning of the story Vegeta is at the maximum of his vitality and charisma. Especially compared to his ever-crisis moody version (who supposedly lives happily with a loving family). In the Saiyan arc, he's objectively the most powerful character (Freeza didn’t even exist in Toriyama's head at the time). Vegeta is domineering, playful and unpredictable, but most importantly - his self-confidence is fully justified. Oh well, it was good while it lasted. He's really in control. These are, if I may say so, quite exciting qualities in a man, haha. Even if he looks like an evil dwarf in stupid armor and bullies some weaklings. I'd even say his demeanor in the Saiyan arc (especially with the voice of early Horikawa) is suspiciously easy to translate into a sexual context (well, until he loses control and gets hysterical, lol).

The Namek arc, placing Vegeta in a broader context, somewhat spoiled his original image (after all the big words, it turned out that he was running errands for Freeza all this time), but gave him a more interesting background and a strong drive. He had ambitions and a socially significant goal, and he actively and passionately fought for them against a clearly superior enemy. In addition, his inability to defeat Freeza by brute force forced him to use his brains from time to time, and not just pull another power up out of his ass, as is now traditionally done in DragonBall. (Needless to say, I consider high intelligence to be one of the most attractive traits). All this made his position in the plot as interesting as possible. He literally sparkled with energy.

Well, we know what happened next. Brain Death, an eternal chase after Goku, and an off-screen family life on a backwater planet that Vegeta is supposedly happy with. Until he suddenly became a really beautiful character without a proper justification for this (well, at least the explosion was spectacular). Really, I like the general concept of redemption, and yet... the way Toriyama portrays it in the story just doesn't work convincingly enough for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another point I’d like to cover in this already too long essay ahhh I'm a monster is Vegeta’s personality in fanfiction.

Reproducing (?) Vegeta is a bit like playing with a lego set - his personality and behavior is always the result of a conscious reconstruction, which is based around a specific point on the long contradictory line. Depending on which end of the spectrum the chosen point is, the author is forced to shade facts related to the opposite end, or to give new context to Vegeta's past (or future) actions. It's always noticeable when the author extends the later, sympathetic Vegeta's image to an earlier segment of the story. Apparently, it's possible to kill the person who raised you (with an evil smile on your face) just because the situation was too stressful lol. Likewise, when the authors allow Vegeta to remain a charismatic psychopath, the story wouldn't work without ignoring some parts of the later canon.

(And, of course, there is always a "medium" type of Vegeta - Vegeta from the 3-year-gap, whose personality is almost entirely based on anime fillers. Yay, here comes the promised vegebul rant

Honestly, I'm pretty tired of this "gravity room exploded again woman grrr" type of Vegeta.

Because if you take the manga, we have no idea how Vegeta actually behaved with Bulma and her parents, what his training regimen was, and what he did in his free time besides unprotected sex. People elevate his rudeness and irrational self-torturing to the absolute because of all these filler patterns, but this is just one of the possible versions of the events and the character's behavior during this time (albeit partly canonical). But... there are also alternatives. There are smart Vegeta, curious Vegeta, civilized Vegeta. Honestly - I don't think Bulma would've married him later if there was nothing in his personality that’d make communication with him enjoyable. I mean, she's a rich modern woman, she doesn't need a husband just for convenience and Vegeta is a marginal freeloader anyway. And if we subtract good looks (which people often attribute to Vegeta) from the equation, then the idea that he has no interest in anything other than training and cannot maintain an interesting conversation becomes completely unconvincing. Toriyama clearly didn't attach much importance to the fact of their marriage, and generally avoided romantic scenes as if they were on fire (and, perhaps, did the right thing), but these two just had to be capable of adequate and mutually pleasant personal interaction in order to take this step.

In general, Toriyama's lack of attention to most aspects of the characters' lives other than fighting and training, on the one hand, can be considered a drawback of DBZ, but on the other, it creates a lot of room for fans' imagination. But not everyone uses it. Most authors generally repeat the same tropes over and over again and don't try to look at the three-year-gap from a new angle, although the canon provides all the possibilities for this. Because of this, fics in this genre often seem boring. But in fact, it's not the setting itself that is boring, but only dusty formulas in the heads of the authors.)

Ahem, so where were we?.. Oh yes.

Actually, Vegeta's inconsistency is a very handy character trait for the authors, as it minimizes the chance of accidental OOC. Indeed, it's quite difficult to make someone to behave out of character if he has many different canon versions of himself, lol. On the other hand, this leads to the fact that the character seems to... kinda disintegrate. You never see his whole face, because he simply doesn't have it. As a result, Vegeta turns into a mosaic that must be reassembled each time. And I keep staring at this crazy kaleidoscope like an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, that's... quite a lot of contradictions in my relationship to Vegeta, haha. Still, life without contradictions would be somewhat boring, I guess.

Thanks for your attention I suppose?..... lol, as if someone really got to this point

The End.

P.S. 1: The antisocial version of Vegeta who doesn't understand stupid human rituals and hates crowds, but puts up with it for the sake of his family is my spirit animal, haha. This is just so damn relatable to my autistic personality. Maybe I'm an alien myself.

P.S. 2: Actually, my favorite dbz character is Piccolo. Yep.

#vegeta #it's really long #3260 words kind of long

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 4 years

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Hello! I have a given question if you don't mind. I absolutely fall in love with akiugetsu and I was a little heart broken when they didn't end up together. But something I don't understand is why did they drag out this complicated relationship. They were both suffering and wanted to end it but didn't and they both were with others but still continued. If they were still in love why couldn't they work on it to be a couple again?

Hello, dear anon and a fellow AkiUgetsu enthusiast!

I don’t mind Given asks at all. They are both a nice change to 19 Days posts and also a challenge since Given is a very different kind of work to analyze.

So far, I have talked about AkiUgetsu a couple of times:

My thoughts on AkiUgetsu’s story

My thoughts on Akihiko forcing himself on Haruki

About Ugetsu and Akihiko’s lack of motivation

I will probably repeat some of the things I have already said, but quite a lot of time has passed since my first ever Given ask. I have had many interesting discussions, thoughts, and notes since then about AkiUgetsu, so I wanted to take this ask as a chance to perhaps update some of the previous things. Given is the kind of very layered and complex story that you always find new things to mull over.

To me, it looks like you kind of had two questions: Why didn’t AkiUgetsu end their relationship earlier if they were both unhappy? Why couldn’t they have tried to fix it and the story took the AkiHaru road? I’ll be dividing my answer according to those two matters.

“why did they drag out this complicated relationship”

I would say AkiUgetsu is by far the most complicated relationship in Given, so I don’t think there is one clearcut answer to that. Both Akihiko and Ugetsu had their own complex and conflicting feelings regarding each other. And to make matters even more complicated, they were both poor at communicating when it came to each other.

I tend to visualize AkiUgetsu in two ways: a cycle and two layers on top of each other. I think both of those dynamics of their relationship contributed to them not being able to let go of each other and dragging it out as you put it.

Circles repeat themselves, but even they have a beginning that started it all. I think the beginning of the AkiUgetsu circle was when Ugetsu wanted to break up for the first time (vol. 4 ch. 17):

Ugetsu loved Akihiko. Before meeting Akihiko, Ugetsu’s life and passion had only revolved around music and the violin. But the more he fell in love with Akihiko, the more Ugetsu realized his passion was being pulled away from his music. Instead of chasing new heights in the violin, he was “chasing” Akihiko as in his mind was more filled with him. (There were also reasons regarding Akihiko, but I will get to those a bit later.)

I think that kind of disturbance of his priorities made Ugetsu both uneasy and scared. It felt like he was losing control. His music that was such an essential part of him that it borderline defined him was becoming almost stagnated. He was in this place where Akihiko loved him and he loved Akihiko but he was staying there at the expense of his music.

The bottom line is, he didn’t want to break up with Akihiko because he didn’t love him (anymore) but rather because his love for Akihiko was threatening something that was at the very core of Ugetsu’s existence. And I feel where he was coming from in all that. In fact, it’s something I can even relate to in his character.

But it seems to me like he never explained any of that to Akihiko. He just said that they should “end this already”. That choice of words was the end result of his own contemplating, so it sounded as such as well. Like there was this laundry list of problems in their relationship, and they should put a stop to it already. To Akihiko, this all seemed to come as a surprise and shock. Like he didn’t know what Ugetsu was talking about and despite them fighting a lot, Akihiko still thought they had been happy. And if Ugetsu didn’t explain his thought process and real reasons - like I strongly suspect he didn’t - I’m sure it all sounded to Akihiko like Ugetsu didn’t love him anymore.

It wasn’t told to us in the comic, but I have always had this headcanon that Akihiko suggested they stayed roommates. Maybe he suggested it as such or maybe he originally asked for time to find a new place and it never happened. Maybe he suggested they stayed under the same roof to see if they could still be something. Regardless, I think it was Akihiko who was reluctant to accept Ugetsu’s decision. And that ultimately wore out Ugetsu’s resolve which was on a shaky basis to begin with. After all, he still loved Akihiko and wanted to be with him, and deciding to break up was painful. So, when he allowed Akihiko to stay as a roommate, it was like an in-between solution that ended up entering them both in the painful cycle.

Then for two years, they were stuck in a circle that replayed the highs and lows of their relationship (vol. 4 ch. 20):

Whenever they had been apart for a while, they remembered the good they had together. They knew each other in and out and had years of history together. It was as if they both took comfort in the other one always being there. No matter who Ugetsu dated or where Akihiko spent the night, they could still fall back to each other when it all went back to “normal”. It was familiar and safe in many ways. Ultimately those honeymoon phases discouraged both of them to seriously move on. Ugetsu dated people halfheartedly and Akihiko could feel like he was needed in Ugetsu’s life again.

But the lows of the circle were also like small break-ups over and over again. For Akihiko especially, it was like being suddenly reminded of their real relationship status. That he was in this position from two years ago once again. Ugetsu didn’t love him and he was pushing Akihiko away. And Ugetsu being unable to take the last step and make up his mind already was frustrating to Akihiko. He still had feelings for Ugetsu, so he needed Ugetsu to put an end to it. All the while he didn’t know that Ugetsu was feeling the same and was waiting for Akihiko to walk away.

So, as I said, complicated with a side of poor communication.

Besides the cycle that was very hard for both of them to break, I think they were stuck also because there were two layers in their relationship as roommates. (vol. 3 ch. 16):

Officially and on the surface, they were just roommates. On paper, they weren’t romantically involved anymore and both free to date and sleep with other people. So, in this regard, Ugetsu had a full right to date whoever he wanted without that making him a “whore”, “slut”, or “cheater” as I have seen him being called in the fandom. He and Akihiko weren’t in a romantic relationship anymore, so he was single.

But I still understand why Akihiko got angry when he walked in on Ugetsu sleeping with that other guy and why the situation escalated. Below their official relationship status, under the surface, they were still very much romantically involved with each other. Akihiko still had feelings for Ugetsu, and Ugetsu still had feelings for Akihiko. They had sex together, they were still intimate with each other. It wasn’t said out loud but they weren’t just roommates and they were both aware of that. So, when Ugetsu slept with someone else which he was free to do, it still hurt Akihiko because it disregarded what they had going on under the surface.

That second hidden layer was also something that kept them dragging their relationship on as well. They had this “roommates with benefits” relationship going on while the strings of their previous official relationship were still firmly attached.

As far as the fandom discourse goes, I think this is where a lot of debate is brewed. The two layers created this “yes, but...” situation between AkiUgetsu. And I think people sometimes knowingly ignore one of them to support their interpretation of Akihiko and Ugetsu one way or another. I don’t personally think that you can be black and white about their situation.

What ultimately kept them together was both of them being unable to let go and waiting for the other one to sever their relationship. And so, together they sunk deeper and deeper while clinging to and rekindling memories despite both being miserable and in pain. Ugetsu wanted to be with Akihiko but he couldn’t feel at peace with him and he didn’t want to keep hurting Akihiko. Akihiko clung to Ugetsu because he loved him and some of that love still lingered, but the more he refused to let go the more he was putting himself down.

“If they were still in love why couldn't they work on it to be a couple again?”

Even though AkiUgetsu is most definitely my Given OTP, their final break-up still made sense to me and I think it needed to happen. I think the end of their relationship was already sowed in the beginning of their relationship.

As I already said about Ugetsu, despite loving Akihiko, he wasn’t at peace. He was also (and originally) in love with music and couldn’t have both fit in his life without feeling suffocated. I also mentioned there were reasons regarding Akihiko to which I would come back later. I think those reasons were another big factor why their relationship couldn’t work despite them loving each other.

Ugetsu didn’t originally want to break up just for his own sake but also for Akihiko (vol. 4 ch. 17):

When Akihiko was faced with Ugetsu’s immense natural talent, he both fell in love with it but also resented it. It excited him but discouraged him at the same time. And eventually, he lost his drive and motivation for music (violin) and gave up on it.

I think that reaction was a defense mechanism of sorts for Akihiko. In the presence of such intense talent, it was scary to try his best and still come second. That would have only confirmed what Akihiko already was thinking about. So, it was safer to give up, but that was painful, too. Giving up on one’s passion doesn’t kill the passion. It just gets shoved almost violently away in a place where you can pretend to have forgotten about it. That only became easier when Akihiko started playing the drums where he could find a proper distraction from the violin.

I don’t think any of that escaped Ugetsu. He noticed Akihiko’s lack of motivation and thought it was a shame. He knew Akihiko was good and had plenty of talent, but he had lost his trigger to evolve. On some level, Ugetsu realized Akihiko was giving up on the violin because of him. That Ugetsu’s music was painful for Akihiko. That his music was making Akihiko feel and do things he didn’t want to.

So, even though they loved each other when they broke up for the first time, it was the kind of love that made them unhappy. Now, could they have worked out those issues back then with proper communication? To some extent, maybe. Maybe they could have talked about Akihiko’s insecurity and figured out solutions for it. Maybe Ugetsu could have found a balance between the violin and Akihiko.

I want to say maybe, but...I tend to lean more towards a no. To me, those issues were about how they reacted to each other. I think Ugetsu would have always made Akihiko feel inferior and Akihiko would have always made Ugetsu feel like he had to make an either-or decision. I think those feelings would have always been underlying in their relationship.

And by the time they broke up for good, I think their relationship was at a point where there was nothing left to safe. When Akihiko finally decided to walk away from Ugetsu, I’m not sure if there still was the kind of love left between them that could have been salvaged. Over the years, it had twisted and changed shades. I honestly couldn’t have seen how they could had gone back after the pain they had put each other through. Instead of loving each other like they had used to, their relationship had become more about being afraid of letting go.

I don’t think neither of them - and especially Akihiko - could realize the state of their actual feelings until Akihiko spent some time living with Haruki. It both broke the cycle but also effectively helped Akihiko see the situation from a proper distance. He had loved Ugetsu but it had turned suffocating and he was scared to go back to it. He didn’t want to go back to it. He also realized his passion for music again, now with the trigger that Ugetsu had talked about. I’m not saying all this to make Ugetsu sound like the villain or poison, but Akihiko needed to get away to see things with a clearer mind.

Then there is also the development of AkiUgetsu to AkiHaru to consider. Now, I feel like I have to make something clear before entering this part of my answer. I do not ship AkiHaru. In fact, it’s probably my Given NOTP. Personally, I don’t see any romantic/sexual chemistry between them and I think they would have been better off as friends regardless of how AkiUgetsu ended. For me to feel their relationship, I think their development should have been executed better/differently.

But all that being said, the overall move from AkiUgetsu to AkiHaru made sense. It was the poetically satisfying storyline choice for Akihiko instead of AkiUgetsu being the endgame despite everything. From darkness to light. From the basement to the balcony. From losing motivation to being driven again. From coming in second to being someone’s number one. From angst to fluff.

As much as I’m not interested in AkiHaru, I do recognize its poetically symbolic value. I think to an author, Ugetsu-Akihiko-Haruki was an excellent opportunity to build parallels and “healing” type of character development. So, as such, I understand why the story went as it went despite preferring some other routes.

Thank you for your question, dear anon! It’s always nice to bump into AkiUgetsu folks!

#given #akiugetsu #murata ugetsu #kaji akihiko #akiharu #answered ask

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