#regular old therapy
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i love my psychiatrist i love my psychiatrist i love my psychiatrist i LOVE my PSYCHIATRIST
#every single session with her is more encouraging and supportive than#regular old therapy#which maybe says bad things about my therapist but also it is so much more valuable to me that my therapist already Knows me and has#been through the shit with me#than that my therapist is like magically transcendentally perfect for me
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Ldpdl need some friends he ain't fuckin or kin with and bad. Like real bad
#he need a 9-5 so he can make an 73 year old friend named otis#interview with the vampire#smth about having a real old ass work friend just make you normal in the head in a way that therapy dont#je also dont need to work cus hes the disordered peoples princess but i digress#he need a secretary job so he dont start biting walls and talking about metaphors#louis de pointe du lac#iwtv#amc iwtv#ldpdl#like its crazy he really aint got no friends he not like me fr#like he got lestat but that nigga crazy in a bad way#and armand is crazy in a neutral way. a Neurodivergent way#he need to go be a cashier at the walmart a couple miles out that would fix him#i genuinely think if ldpdl worked an office job or night shift at a wendys hed be 87% less like that cus the fumes from regular hoes#would make him immediately less self absorbed#itd be like smelling salts but for rich redbones#like i need him to hear from a chatty but ultimately well meaning office gossip in a break room so bad#like he need to know that people got problems#also i think hed like the human interactions. itd be like cat videos to him#he need to go to night school#he need a trade. he need to go to electrician school. truly anything that aint hanging with them crazy ass people#he need to be like every black woman i know and get so many advanced degrees
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Im open to decoy octopus fan indoctrination… please enlighten me 🙇♂️
its kind of hard to indoctrinate people you kind of just have to get it
#he stayed in character while dying of a heart attack theres a really old website that lists his gender as unknown#he wears cool pants#boy why you so NOT ears!! (he has none)#he has a funny backstory he was just a regular guy and then he was asked to join the cia and was like ok#he asks for therapy after he completes a mission so he can maintain his sense of self#theres a cutscene of raven carrying him over his shoulder and i think its funny#theres a drawing of him in the graphic novel that i think looks really good#he looks so cool tbh its so fucked up you never get to see him other than his face and hes already bitten the dust by then#theres a character in the sonic comics based on him#(sonic comics cares about him more than mgs so sad)#he also waved at johnny during the cell scene#thats the best indoctrination i can give you without saying headcanons
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So close to pulling a hlvrv like with half life but the ai is self aware but for pizza tower and gathering a bunch of different Peppino's from different aus and stuff and forcing them to go to therapy together
#pizza tower#peppino#pizza tower au#my list so far is regular peppino#followed by pizzano and/or pizzelle#then pepperoni tower au peppino#hell you could even get evil peppino in here I'm sure he could do with some therapy#theres already so many options with all the aus that exist#this is mostly just because I want to imagine them interacting#bonus points if they all have a hard time getting along with one another and spend most of the time going#'what the hell is wrong with you?'#'what is your problem?'#'huh???'#'why am I here how can I leave?'#and just generally screaming and wondering how the hell they are all versions of the same person#you could even use old lore or new lore for sugary spire if you want#old lore if you want some angst where pizzano/pizzelle realises the truth and new lore if you just want silly antics#I think they all probably have issues that they could get therapy for and they could be friends but#its also funny to imagine them all having a terrible time around one another and hating each other by the end of it#both are good :)
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sorry for not writing or doing much of anything lately im coming to terms with the fact that im depressed
#like outside the bipolar i think i just am stuck in regular old depression#& idk really what to do to get out of it#but i had therapy today & it was pretty nice this time actually i just can't shake the imaginary pressure that#im disappointing everyone even abstractly#tw depression
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Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.
The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.
It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.
Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)
I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.
ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.
I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.
I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.
LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.
I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.
But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’
Weeps
THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.
Awoooo
Awoooo
I hate it
#me.#therapy.#mur has a moment.#suicidal ideation//#negative//#(I’m not feelin it now but boy#(I will lapse in and out for being. a fucking. mess.#(if I allow myself even a moment of non distraction#(sometimes I can see where the stereotypes for autism come from#(yeah. maybe I do wanna zone out unspeaking on one thing#(and if you interrupt me I will lose my shit so hard I may just hurt everyone around me and myself#(because I am. I. so much. mental anguish. on the regular.#(I miss my therapist I am going to hate my new one no matter what she says#(she went on medical leave the minute my old therapist left#(like yeahyeahyeah sure can’t control that#(you could’ve emailed anyone about my continuum of care but you DIDNT#(I HOPE U HAVE TEN THOUSAND ALLERGIC REACTIONS
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was watching damon albarn and billie eilish's getting older performance from coachella '22 and legit had to stop midway lie down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. too much feels. TOO MUCH
#im not a regular billie eilish listener#but#whenever i hear one of her songs. im so Violently Struck by emotions. there's just something to her.......#and im not even gonna talk abt old man and his fucking lullaby voice#i know it's over a year and a half late but PAY FOR MY THERAPY YOU TOO#billie eilish#damon albarn
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i’m finally back home
#ye olde text post#i really enjoyed my stay at the hospital. i feel like the therapy helped#but im glad to be back (i really missed my bed)#going back to regular life feels kinda weird tho#and not being around people all the time is also kinda strange#i mean i do have room mates but its not the same because 1. we're 4 instead of 25 and 2. people usually stay in the room the entire da#day*#ah well enough rambling#im happy to be back
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I knowwwwww I need to make a new blog and just start over so the ppl with unhealthy obsessions don’t have my url but my friends are hereeee :((
#when you start over you can’t add back old friends bc that makes you traceable#fun free tips for when you get cyberstalked#don’t reuse anything if you’re a regular somewhere not anymore#but I’ve had this blog for 10 yearssssss ughhhh#but they are on my blog obsessively daily so says statcounter so I probs gotta :(#there’s 2 ip addresses doing this so if ur not like literally on my blog daily#it’s not u#so dw#if it IS you and you’re reading this: hey stop that#that’s weird go to therapy
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god maybe its the. depression. but i just dont see beauty in the world anymore
#it like. has to be thats not a normal way to think#i dont think im depressed. but like. cmon. even with my erosion of the concept of regular people. you dont think like this unless something#is wrong. augh. and ofc my only solution is talk therapy bc my family has a history of bipolar. so if i take meds ill just kill myself#which again i know im depressed bc that doesnt even scare me. yknow when ur doing bad and you want to be doing worse so youll finally do it?#i dont actually want to die. i know that! but i dont want to live in this world. i don’t even want to live in a better world. i#just feel like i dont belong here idk#ive been putting off the idea bc i do take care of myself. i shower every day and brush my teeth and get out of bed. and like im happy#sometimes. genuinely but its fully like. nothing matters for me up there. i dont think theres any reason to keep going#the only reason i dont kill myself is bc i know i desperately want to be alive. which is better than the old reason#of. i dont kill myself bc i cant. ive failed multiple times. ect. but that was. different to me#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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#tag talk#had a dream I found this really gorgeous aquamarine turtleneck with actually long enough sleeves for me and then I woke up ب_ب#do you have any idea how fucking disappointing it was to wake up and realize that I do in fact not have a nice comfy turtleneck#I'm genuinely so sad#also there was a cute bra I picked up in my dream as well and guess what. I don't have that irl either.#when summer hits I wanna go thrifting again. I don't like going out in the winter but ugh. I want summer to exist pleaseeee#I'm gonna drag my new trans friend along cause that seems like it would be really fun to look at clothes together I think.#hrrnngghhhhh I want to live my life and enjoy it please I just want to#also my therapy appointment was good but it genuinely made me so exhausted for real. like. physically tired.#which means that I've for sure still got problems rattling around in my head since anytime I get close to them my body reacts physically.#I'm still tired but I think I'll be able to get up in about twenty minutes hopefully.#I stripped the old sheets from my bed but didn't remake it but I showered so I'm clean so I just went to bed without sheets anyway#it feels kind of nice somehow. bare skin on bare mattress. feeling bad and just existing under covers.#idk why but it feels like home. like I'm a kid again. I say idk that's a lie I know why.#it's nice to just be a little miserable and convalescent and dissociate and nap and drift away into nothingness for a while.#maybe that dissociation immediately after confronting my own thoughts isn't super great though.#I have such a strong aversion to my own mind. such a repulsion from digging deeper than what I'm comfortable with.#I have this fear that I'll continue to find new things wrong with me. continue to find new explanations for why I'm so fucked up and weird.#will I have a reason for why I dump my friends after a few months. why I imagine unspeakable violence on the regular.#idk. I still struggle with the hurt deep down inside and it's so extremely photosensitive that I can't open it up without it lashing out#I'm a human being grown over a skeleton of scar tissue and alien growth. a body pulled tight over the skin of another.#what the fuck am I really? I know who I am. I still don't know what.
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the sheer amount of therapy i would have to go through before having kids would add like….. at LEAST £15000 to the cost of that already extortionate life stage lmao
#my problem is that 95% of my trauma is connected to school & the education system#so if i had a kid it would be like. legitimately triggering for me to have to send them to school. i’d feel so much guilt and fear over it.#like i STILL can’t look at the gates of my old school. like 6/7 years after leaving. every time i go past i feel my heart rate speed up.#having to like. hand my child over to that world every day would fucking wreck me.#so my gut instinct would be home education. i was home ed for a year and it was my favourite experience with schooling it suited me so well#i have a lot of friends who were home ed for at least SOME of their school years and they’re some of the coolest people i know#bristol actually has a LOT of support and resources for families who home educate there are regular meet-ups so kids can still socialise#and cool activities and classes organised around the city for home ed kids#that was how i started ice skating actually!!! we used to get a free group lesson on wednesday afternoons when the rink was pretty dead!!!#but like. agakdllsa unless my partner was rich enough that i didn’t have to work??? that’s uhhhhhhhhh Not an option.#and even if it was i could never teach maths/science well enough.#so like. home ed is off the table.#but so is school because i’d be retraumatised every fucking DAY.#hence the need for extensive targeted therapy
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Fully becoming the fun police because the tiktok hc devil got some of you believing hcs are canon 😭
No, Soap doesn't have ADHD. As a sniper and demolitions expert, someone with ADHD wouldn't be able to do the work effectively, it requires extreme focus for extended periods of time, and literally nothing in the game or his behavior indicates he has ADHD.
Yes, Ghost passes his psych evals. He NEEDS to be mentally stable in order to be part of the SAS, otherwise he'd be pulled out no matter how much Price likes him. There are no indications in the game or voice lines that show otherwise, he's able to hold his own weight and is likely on therapy and medication to help with his trauma and nightmares.
No, Soap doesn't have 10 sisters. He doesn't even have a family.
Yes, comic Ghost is canon to 22 Ghost. Literally nothing indicates otherwise, every single character in the remake kept their canon pasts, why would Ghost be an exception?
No, König isn't shy. He's snarky and cocky in all his voice lines, not a single trace of shyness in this man.
No, none of these grown men need a pink blanket from their childhood to sleep.💀 Infantilizing grown men is weird enough as it is, and I feel like some of you forget these men are soldiers— the best of the best, used to extreme conditions that could break regular people, they're not babies or mentally unstable teenagers, it's weird to treat them as such.
While we're at it, some of you make Price act like a fucking nonce and it's weird. No, he wouldn't date an 18 year old child. Probably the youngest he'd go to is 30s, some of you forget the huge difference in maturity age gaps always have and how he wouldn't want to date a pouty child, especially with his line of work and how often he's gone. A relationship with this man would require plenty of mutual understanding, communication skills, trust, and maturity.
ANYWAY NSOSNWLSMALQ
#cod mw2#cod mwii#simon ghost riley#ghost mw2#simon riley#ghost cod#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#price mw2#captain price#john price#price#mw2#cod#soap#john mactavish#john price cod#john soap mactavish#soap call of duty#soap mw2#soap cod#mwii#call of duty#soap mactavish#soap x reader#johnny mactavish#johnny soap mactavish#stray rants#stray talks mw
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#tomorrow is gonna be. a lot.#but I’m feeling more and more positive about life#it’s weird to think I’m down to like my last 2 months of intensive outpatient therapy#though I’m getting phased into group therapy and apparently I remain monitored by a psychiatrist throughout my whole time at UCLA lol#which I mean hey I’ll take it. plus regular therapy now that it’ll be downgraded#whatever works tbh. I’m just so happy that I actually feel like we found a med combination that works last week#and it took a minute to get used to it but like holy shit I’m getting the increasing feeling that I’m actually getting my life back#like for the first time since I was 22-23 and this whole diagnosis kicked into high gear#I’m motivated again. I’m able to concentrate. I’m able to work the long hours I love again. I’m able to get involved in clubs#its been such a hard fight the last five or six years but I actually do think this chapter of my life is closing and I could just cry#don’t get me wrong there’s still a ton of work ahead but like it’s work I can and will do#I’ve dreamt for years about what it would feel like to be the old me again and I’m seeing so many hints of it in the last week and a half#more than I ever have. And I see the work that can be done but it feels like climbing a hill rather than mt Everest now#I can actually make it through this. like this year I understand and know I’ll be back to my old self. and I’m so mf’in ready#I need to relearn how to be social. how to throw parties. how to network. etc#but that’ll come with time#until then… it’s time to knock it out of the ballpark again
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#i wanna get this … out of my system … i know i should probably get therapy soon but i need to let it out somehow#so i had this work retreat yesterday and today and my old boss came in for it so i saw them all of yesterday and today#and it made me so fucking sad that it’s just … not the same as it was…#like we used to talk every fucking day even if we just texted sometimes and we were a good team and i think we worked well together#they also were very supportive and pushed me to do better all while still appreciating my work and effort#trusted me completely and respected my opinions and choices and adjusted work when needed#and now when we got a small chance to talk alone yesterday it felt so awkward and like i didn’t know what was going on with them#even if we just talked about work we still checked in with each other regularly and now i have no idea what’s going on with them#and we weren’t even really friends but fuck#like they gave me two books last time they visited … they sent me two birthday cakes which i’m just now realizing i wanted to thank them for#in person but completely forgot and didn’t#we weren’t friends but they’re the first person to appreciate me and think of me and trust me in a while and now i#idk what to do bc i have no friends and my new boss hasn’t really reached out / we haven’t worked much so i haven’t gotten much feedback#and i haven’t talked to my regular ‘friends’ in so long that it feels like we have nothing to talk about anyway#i deleted ig a week ago and no one’s even realized#i feel so lonely and i lost two important ppl in my life in a week and idk what to do with that#i fucking need therapy ffs
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I've been taking a break from therapy after continuously seeing therapists for four years, and overall it has been a good decision. It made me realize that I've somewhat been using therapy as a crutch for making life decisions, like subconsciously always felt like I had to run things by my therapist before deciding on a direction and ultimately I need to be making my own choices.
But also it's been like barely over a month and I can feel my brain curdling
#i just need someone whos a nuetral party ti just word vomit at on a regular basis#i reached out to my old therapist that i saw for three years to see if she has any openings#which im on the fence about#on the one hand i saw her for a long time during some really stressful life events and overall my mental health improved a lot during#my time with her#and im starting to take sime classes at my community college rn and i am also going to be seeing a friend next month that i haven't seen#in a bunch of years which i am nervous and excited about but it would be nice to be able to talk about those things in a therapy setting#without being in the ~new therapist~ stage#on the other hand she was basically useless with helping me with my social anxiety which is the main thing i want help with in therapy#long term
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