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shesey · 3 years

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Excerpts from “She came to stay” by Simone de Beauvoir | Part 1

“She exercised that power: her presence snatched things from their unconsciousness; she gave then their colour, their smell.” “She alone evoked the significance of these abandoned places, of these slumbering things. She was there and they belonged to her. The world belonged to her.” “At this moment she did not in the least regret that Pierre was not beside her: there were some joys she could not know when he was with her; all the joys of solitude.” “I’d like to think that the whole world is asleep, that at this moment you and I are the only living souls on earth.” “I feel calmer now, because I’m convinced that wherever I may go, the rest of the world will move with me. That’s what keeps me from having any regrets. Regrets for what? Said Gerbert. Having to live only in my own skin when the world is so vast.” “It amazes Elizabeth that I’m not ambitious; but that’s precisely why. I don’t want to try to cut out a special place for myself in the world. I feel that I am already in it.” “Where others only saw an impenetrable jungle, Pierre saw a virgin future which was his to shape as he chose. That was the secret of this strength.” “The truth is that I enjoy the early stages. You don’t understand that? Perhaps, said Francoise, but I would not be interested in an affaire which had no continuity.” “If they were not mentioned, it was almost as if they had not existed at all, and this allowed a shameful subterranean vegetation to grow up under the surface of true existence where she felt utterly alone and in danger of suffocation.” “How easy it was to live a full life in a world that held both the ruins at Delphi and the bare Provencal hillsides, as well as this congeries of humanity!” “Each one of these men, each one of these women present here tonight was completely absorbed in living a moment of his or her insignificant existence.” “No longer was she conscious of risk, or hope, or fear; only of this happiness over which she did not even have control.” “Imprisoned in happiness.” “After all, nothing obliged her to resume her work the very next day. It was slightly absurd to spend hour after hour here without dancing, without speaking to a soul, but if one set one’s mind to it there was a fascination to be found in this kind of self-absorption.” “But this yard, cluttered with old stage sets, had lost none of its poetry by becoming an everyday sight.” “Sexual faithfulness is perfectly ridiculous. It leads to pure slavery. I don’t understand how you can tolerate it.” “Nonsense. You’re not going to tell me that it’s never happened to you to feel desire for a man. You’re talking like all the people who won’t admit they have prejudices. They pretend they are subject to them as a matter of personal choice. But that’s just so much nonsense.” “Beautiful things are not easily created. The more precious they are, the more work they require.” “I didn’t say this work was beautiful. I know that beauty lies only in the completed work, but I find it thrilling to watch the transition from the formless to the pure and completed state.” “She only has you and she’s very fond of you. That can’t be much fun.” “Why do people always have to drag so much dead weight about with them? Look, said Pierre, time isn’t made up of a heap of little separate bits into which you can shut yourself up in turn. When you think you’re living purely in the present, you’re involving your future, whether you like it or not.” “I’m very envious of your capacity to feel things so strongly. I understand our putting a higher value on that than anything else.” “If she spoke of it to Pierre, it would become a disquieting and gripping reality instead of a fleeting mood. Thenceforth, he would have to bear it in mind even when she herself attached no importance to it.” “His heart was hidden; that hand on his sleeve could be seen by every eye in the theatre.... but for whom does it really exist, this love that exists between us? At this moment, even she did not believe in it, nothing remained of it anywhere in the whole of existence.” “I wanted to give you more than you were prepared to accept. And, if one is sincere, to give is a way of insisting on some return.” “If he was suffering, she would suffer too.” “The day when I no longer feel anything, I’m not going to look for excuses to feel.” “I admit that people should write. There’s something voluptuous about words. But only when the spirit moves you.” “This separateness hurt her cruelly, but nothing would induce her to set food on this slippery slop of the imagination at the bottom of which yawned she knew not what abyss.” “You’re sensitive and intelligent - gifts that are not everyone’s. They’re trump cards.” “She was wrong to depend so entirely on Pierre: that was a real mistake, she ought not to thrust responsibility for herself upon someone else.” “Things had barely changed during the past twenty years, the atmosphere was oppressive. Whenever Francoise came back to this flat, she felt that all those years had led absolutely nowhere: time was spread all around her in a quiet, stagnant pool. To live was to grow old, nothing more.” “By always avoiding questions of principle, she could easily come to a kind of understanding with her parents.” “She had the painful impression of being in exile. In the ordinary way, the centre of Paris was wherever she happened to be. Today, everything had changed.” “Anguish pierced her: it was not a definite pain, she would have to delve very deep into the past to unearth a similar uneasiness.” “What had happened now was that the present world was out of reach; not only was she exiled from Paris, she was exiled from the whole world. The people who were sitting on the terrace, the people who were walking in the street, were insubstantial, were shadows; the houses were nothing but painted black-clothes with no depth.” “Love was surely less simple than he thought. It was stronger than time, nevertheless it existed in time, and from instant to instant, it was the cause of misgivings, self-denial, and minor despondencies.” “And when you begin to question a decision, it’s always disturbing. Xaviere is a living question mark.” “Introspection is tiring. It’s dangerous... She would have had to re-examine everything from the beginning but that required a superhuman strength.” “Whatever you may say about life, it always seems to me to be just so many words.” “Long periods of boredom punctuated by short bursts of pleasure seemed completely natural to him.” “There was nothing anywhere to envy, or to regret, or to fear. The past, the future, love, unhappiness, were no more than a sound made with the mouth.” “How could her exact tone of voice, the scent of her room at that moment, be described? Words could bring you nearer the mystery, but without making it any less impenetrable; it only masked the heart in a more chilling shadow.” “If she now so often felt estranged from Pierre, it was because she had allowed him to progress alone down these paths of admiration and affection.” “It was a little frightening. In his tender phrases, his affectionate gestures, she saw only an intention of kindness. they were not wholly convincing, they did not register properly... could her doubting ever again be stopped?” “But these were only words; they were two separate persons... the result of her blind trust was that she suddenly found herself facing a stranger.” “But if you study her with a little sympathy you’ll perceive in all that a clumsy attempt to give a definite value to her life and to herself as a person. Even her respect for the social formulas - marriage, fame -- is still a form of this anxiety.” “Isn’t there any country where people can do as they like? No... you’re cornered.” (pg 145-146) “If I could have her to myself, I would love her. This domineering little girl, too, was nothign more than a tiny fragment of the warm, defenceless world.” “She would have to make up her mind once and for all to face up to all the changes that had taken plcae; for days and days now her thoughts had a tinger of bitterness... ‘I want to see clearly’”.

“...there were so many thoughts that she now kept to herself.” “... they must above all pay more attention to each other at every moment.” “Up to now, when she thought: We are separate, that separation was still a mutual misfortune that struck both of them, and that together they would remedy. Now she understood: to be separate was to live out teh separation alone.” “She felt that they dreaded the moment of departure, but that they found no pleasure in staying on there.”

#simone de beauvoir #she came to stay

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lucy-ghoul · 3 years

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Mikasa Ackermann, Levi Ackermann, Amane Misa, Aeron Greyjoy for the charactet ask :3

SOMEONE HEARD MY PRAYERS AND NOW MY TIME HAS COME, tysm!!!!! <3

okay, let's start with levi (my beloved):

hogwarts house: gryffindor (maybe....?) | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

ugh, the hp sorting house system is way too reductive. he has qualities of gryffindor, slytherin, and hufflepuff - brave, astute, loyal to a fault, etc. so it's a hard choice. but if i really have to choose, i'd go for gryffindor. i know that his Bad Boy facade shouts slytherin, but while he has larger goals (killing all the titans, then saving the world etc.), he's got no actual ambition for himself. hufflepuff would also be a good option.

daemon (from the his dark materials series): (because i've just decided that's just way more accurate than the hp method) some kind of big feline. maybe a panther - a black panther would be the ideal - aloof, predatory, dangerous, fiercely independent.

best quality: besides his obvious strenghts as a leader and warrior, the way he cares for his comrades-in-arms. it's very hard to gain his trust and respect, but once you have it, it's forever. he's pragmatic and ruthless, yes, but he also has a huge capacity for compassion and friendship. not that he would be effusive about his affections, of course.

worst quality: none, he's absolutely perfect ❤ jklsdfhjk jokes aside, he really struggles to open up (a serious understatement), idt he ever talked about his traumatic past with anyone. i mean, maybe he mentioned it to hange and erwin (erwin knew him when he was still an undergound thug, so...), but... he's not great with feelings. despite his apathetic, intimidating mask, he feels and cares deeply, but he has a long history with losing the people he loves, so he tries to not personally care about his squadmates, which can be both a strenght and a weakness. of course, he spectacularly fails at this.

ship them with: well, it's not a secret that i'm a huge rivamika fan, this ship is almost literally consuming my waking thoughts lmao. imo they're perfectly compatible: very similar personalities (stoic, the strongest warriors, absolutely terrifying on the battlefield but with a soft underbelly), very similar pasts/experiences, so many parallels that it's actually ridiculous, etc. i love how they're both each other's equals and likeness (yes, i took it from jane eyre. no, i don't regret anything lmao). a lot of tropes i love, too: Terrible First Impression (the Pride and Prejudice vibes are so strong with these two, you have no idea), Kindred Spirits/Mirror Images, Veteran/Young Prodigy, The Last of Their Kind, even Height Difference lmao. i could write a whole rivamika manifesto, but this is already too long. (maybe for some other time 👀) i would've loved for their dynamic to be more explored in canon but alas, isayama clearly didn't give a shit about the ackerman legacy, he just used it as a plot shortcut to give them conveniently unique powers, since they never really talked about it 🙄 (and before some troll comes into my askbox shouting "you iNcEsT fReAk!!!!1!!", they're only very distantly related. we know shit about the ackermans but we know for sure that they've got at least several generations between them. biologically their shared DNA is 0%, obviously they don't see each other as family, all the eldians have a dead ass common ancestor from 2000 years ago so they're all basically ⁓related anyway. if you really wanna scream about i.ncest, go watch got/dark/the borgias and shut the fuck up please. or alternatively go outside and touch some grass) sorry for the rant, uh. anyway, i can also see levi/erwin. idk if i'd ever care enough to read a fic about them (i'm usually a huge multishipper, but for some weird reason not when it comes to rivamika? same with braime and kastle tbh), but still, i can see it.

brotp them with: hange and erwin, obv. veteran trio >>> ema trio, sorry not sorry (at least h. and e. died before yams had the chance to ruin their character arcs)

needs to stay away from: ...uh, filth, i guess? lmao

misc. thoughts: besides the stupid teenage fangirl crush i have on him, i'm genuinely fascinated by the man himself. he's a huge mess of a contradictions, and yet somehow it works: he's violent and brash and kind of an asshole, but also has a strong moral code and integrity; he's obv very skilled at all the killing/torturing stuff and yet he has a huge respect for life; he's got a potty mouth to say the least, and yet some very aristocratic manners/tastes (the way he sits, his preference for tea and usually refined clothes); he comes from what's supposed to be an illustrous bloodline, he's methodical and very precise, and yet he was born and raised in the underground, he's been used to filth and blood and poverty since he was a child, kenny of all people was his father figure, and probably has known no other life than a perennial survival mode existence. he's "humanity's strongest soldier", but while well-built he's also small, the david to the titans' goliah, and probably not what people would assume a born warrior looks like. he's also one of the few characters who stayed true to himself and his original characterization until the end, bless you smol king ❤

(okay, this is getting long!)

mikasa:

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

this is actually easy: mikasa belongs to hufflepuff and no, i won't take criticism (just joking lol). enough with this "hufflepuffs are fluffy puppies/Cinnamon Rolls <3" thing: mikasa values loyalty and duty more than anything else. she's also hardworking... and fierce, strong, lethal. yes, hufflepuff and lethal are not mutually exclusive concepts.

daemon: (finally the better option) a she-wolf, fiercely protective of her pack.

best quality: loyal, brave, incredibly strong (alongside her more fragile qualities). practical and level-headed on the battlefield, at least when eren is not included in the picture.

worst quality: struggles to let go of the past (understandable, considering her trauma). tunnel-vision when it comes to eren, obv. extreme levels of delusions ("if only i spoke openly about my romantic feelings for him - as if i didn't made them abundantly clear in ⁓6 years - he wouldn't kill 80% of humanity :(((" lmao okay. just. okay), but that's more on the writing. she's sadly more static than any other main character throughtout the whole series.

ship them with: see above :) but recently i've also started to be intrigued by mikasa/annie and mikasa/sasha. also, i'm sympathetic to jeankasa fans, though i don't actually care for the ship.

brotp them with: EMA trio, especially armin+mikasa. their friendship is so beautiful and special. also sasha.

needs to stay away from: ...... eren, at least romantically. again, that's more on the writing than anything else, but e.remika unfortunately encompasses many tropes i loathe with all the strength of my old shriveled heart: childhood friends-to lovers where the (male) childhood friend doesn't acknolewdge/is completely indifferent to the other (female) friend's romantic feelings, she hopelessly pines for him for years without anything more than a cold shoulder... until in the last chapter it's revealed that he loved her all along and doesn't "want other men to have her!!! :((" (then why did you have no reaction whatsoever to jean's years-long crush on her while she was jealous of any vaguely female-shaped human being you were friendly to, including hange? are you that dumb, man?); the female character's development and entire arc 100% revolves around the male protagonist - she has no goals, no dreams of her own except staying with him forever and ever; the romance is based on an idealized childhood dream, therefore reaffirming those childish illusions would make the character regress, not actually grow up (and nope, epilogue!jk doesn’t count; that also lacks build-up - i would’ve said the same about rm as well, so it’s not about shipping, guys, it really isn’t - and mikasa needed an inner change; getting married to another man but still praying to eren’s shrine is not substitute to actual development lol). post-time skip she's never really frustrated/angry with him, they never get a confrontation about him becoming a, y'know, mass-murderer of gigantic (pun intended) proportions; she puts him on a pedestal, and never stops idealizing him/never sees him for what he actually is (the narrative framing him as some kind of tragic martyr/saint eren from paradis with zero agency and basically... no clear motivation for the abovementioned mass murder, and not the actual complex tragic anti-hero/villain motivated by revenge and righteous fury he deserved to be, does not help). it lacks a good or even decent build-up - it's basically all tell and not show. now, if they'd actually been childhood friends to enemies to lovers/mutually co-dependent... it could have been interesting. sadly, it's not my cup of tea. of course this is just my personal preference, no hard feelings to the shippers.

misc. thoughts: enormous potential. she's been my fav female character since s1 - and ah, i miss s1!mikasa, when she had actually other stuff to do besides mothering eren. i love that she's the strongest warrior (second only to levi, obv), that her skills are never called into questions despite her gender, i love how she stands up for herself and the people she loves, that she may seem cold and stoic and yet has a such a huge heart, that she's not perfect but also sometimes awe-inspiring. sadly, she never really gets out of eren's shadow; what she lacks is an arc focused on herself. that's why imo getting deeper into the ackerman lore would've helped (also, you cannot make the main female character and the most popular male character descend from the same Unique Bloodline or whatever, and never really make them acknowledge it out loud; as a writer, you just can't lol). my spite is so strong that i'm currently writing a ridiculously pretentious fic that's 70% development for her character, to give her a voice, and 30% ackerthirsting. (yes, that's the fic i'm always vagueblogging about lmao, rip @ my brain). if any other rivamika fan is interested… mind you, it’s in italian tho, and idt i have the skills to translate into english.

misa:

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

daemon: mmh, maybe some kind of butterfly? beautiful, colorful, and short-lived.

best quality: glorious fashion sense, more inventive and ingenious than fans actually give her credit for.

worst quality: shallow, impulsive, and obv her dependence on/obsession with light (which stems from trauma btw, but still… the very opposite of a relationship between equals).

ship them with: rem, kinda (monster/human ftw!). also weirdly enough mogi, a little bit? she deserves someone who actually respects her… though she’s far from being a perfect angel. she may actually be crazier than light on some aspects. but in this house we stan evil ladies anyway, so i have no problem with that <3

brotp them with: uh, idk, maybe matsuda?

needs to stay away from: obv light. also takada.

misc. thoughts: a tragic victim of sexist writing. she may be… unhinged to say the least, but she didn’t deserve the abuse she got from light (and from the fans). the female characters’ writing in dn is so bad that idk if it’s on purpose, to kinda mirror the reality of women in a patriarchal society (dependent on men, housewives whose life entirely revolves around their husband/boyfriend etc.), or just casual misogyny lol. it’s even more baffling since we don’t know the author’s gender (they may be a man, a woman, nb, anything really). i tend for the latter option tho.

aegon greyjoy (now, i wasn’t expecting him lol):

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

i’m so sorry, i haven’t the slightest idea lmao. maybe gryffindor? mind you, it’s been a long time since i’ve re-read the books, so i don’t have many thoughts about him.

daemon: maybe it’s cliché, but some kind of fish/squid lmao

best quality: ugh, i really can’t remember much from his chapters :(( he’s not a coward, i guess? (lame answer, sorry!)

worst quality: definitely his religious fanaticism.

ship them with: no one.

brotp them with: uh… his family, ig? except euron.

needs to stay away from: obv euron. brr ://

misc. thoughts: i genuinely like the greyjoys chapters, though i vastly prefer the martells (with the exception of theon and asha, bcs i love them). yes, they’re deranged. yes, victarion is… well, victarion lol. but the drowned god religion is actually interesting, grrm knows how to write trauma - every time aeron mentions euron and that freaking door i’m like… :// - and the tragedy of it all… just great writing all around.

okay, that’s the end lmao. thank you so much, love!!! ❤❤

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #asks #cafeleningrad #if *anyone* dares to start stupid wank on my super niche blog they'll be blocked on sight i'm warning you #snk salt

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brookelynnsanders · 4 years

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Practice Challenge - Prompt 2

A/N: Here is the second part. Thanks for my amazing beta @freykitten who tells me excactly what I need to here - even if I don’t want to. Mentions of @safiya-schreave and @clara-choii

A sloughed down figure rests against a light grey wall, inhaling deeply. A rushy rose dress is spilling all over the floor, nearly swallowing the girl whole. She's desperate for a quiet break - without any judging eyes or snickered remarks. Her eyelids may cover the storm raging in her iris, but the angry waves inside her soul do not seem to calm down.

She relives each moment. Each twisted revelation followed by the next misstep. No matter how hard she tries to silence her mind - her world doesn’t stop rotating around the past few days.

The rage in her bones may have simmered down to a slight irritation, but that doesn’t mean she will forget. The disappointment in her father’s eyes the day she had raged like a hurricane finally letting loose, made her cave in at last. A semi apology halfway stuck in her throat was enough for her mum to drop the victim card. So all she had heard the next few days was what a lucky God’s daughter was.

And so the roll began - and not even Vanessa’s little rants could lift her mood this time.

Now she is here. Far from home. Far from everyone she knows. Left to decide who she wants to be - who the world will see. One of thirty five.

With another deep breath Brooke grabs the leatherbound journal laying by her side. She opens a random page and carefully props up the book on her knees - staring at the blank paper infront of her. The words currently spinning on the merry-go-around in her head are very much waiting to be released onto the blank space. Steady fingertips grab the pen hidden in the back pouch, twirling it between freshly manicured nails. Yet it only hovers above the page, the blonde suddenly at a loss for words.

So she does what she knows best - pouring out all piled up impressions of the day. Finally giving into the whirlwind of emotions she usually locks away.

Blank space. Here we go.

Let’s keep it simple.

Tea party

Boiling water oozes out of the cracks in my skull

Rephrasing my mantra until it ends up dull

Sticking to the roof of my mouth

Underlining the ever present drouth

Thirst is the security blanket I wrap around torn skin

While everyone else offers to fix me with a security pin

I stopped counting how often I’ve screamed “I don’t like coffee” at the top of my lungs

While still gulping down the bitter expectations - not just once

Who would’ve thought tasteless buds would find themselves in an award winning coffee roaster

With an unfastened seat belt going down a rollercoaster

Dolled up like the new edition of Barbie

While I secretly crave a quiet tea party

Brooke Lynn’s heart picks up its pace as the words pour out of the young woman’s soul. Only subconsciously registering what her heart reveals. The last lines spilling out of her guts like the ink droplets flying onto the recycled paper.

Well shit - now I feel worse.

Unease settels deep down in the young woman’s stomach, slightly disgusted by her own facade. She should be grateful to be here - one of the lucky few. Grateful her family cared enough to see her as a “good match”. Grateful to be normal - yes, normal. Because Brooke Lynn Sanders is normal.

“There are comfier places to sit in than here, you know.”

Brooke flinches at the sudden voice, before snapping her head around. Her pupils widen at the sight of a gem covered crown propped up on the head looking around the corner. Fuck. Princess Safiya.

"Oh really? Marble floor seems to be an upgrade compared to my usual existential crisis spot." Brooke attempts to keep her cool - locking away the storm threatening to take her last ounce of self perseverance - no need to lose her composure during her first encounter with a royal. Just be cool. Sayifa is just as human as you are - at least that's what she tells herself.

The brunette raises both brows before coming around the corner fully. Her slender hands bury themselves into the pockets of her skirt. A skirt with pockets - nice. Good to know our princess also values practicality.

"And where would that usual spot be?"

"Concrete floor of the smoker area next to my university building or the very stained hardwood flooring of my flat," Brooke puts on a cheerful armour once she realizes this isn’t just a one liner conversation. Even chuckles a bit at the ridiculousness of all this. Not even 24 hours have passed since she arrived at the palace and she has already been transformed into a pretty doll, went through her second meltdown of the day, and now she is chatting with a Schreave. Sadly not the one her parents had hoped it would be.

"Which university?" The woman asks with a slight humm in her silky voice.

"University of Dakota. My home building is the Healthcare and Social Science complex! Very dull exterior if you ask me." Brooke shakes her head slowly and leans it against the wall, a smile creeping on her face. She remembers countless study breaks spend breathing in THC and contemplating her life decisions. Nina by her side - offering comedic relief - a well needed contrast to the blonde’s bitter remarks. Life seemed much easier then. Even though it wasn't so long ago.

Her eyes roll to the back of her head for a brief second while she leans her head back. The contrast off the cool wall against her heated skin a welcomed distraction. Her grey eyes flick back to the princess, just in time to see the corner of her mouth tilting up and her barely noticeable nod.

"Major?"

The blonde blinks multiple times, a bit taken aback. Very surprised that the woman opposite her even cares. Or maybe she is just very polite.

"Psychology! I was actually about to finish my Bachelor's degree and apply for a Neuro Science Master", Brooke sighs deep before continuing, "but then this whole ordeal happened." Her perfectly shaped brows - the result of the makeover she wouldn’t like to repeat - raise high as she purses her lips.

"Really." The princess breaks her flow with another hum. "Have any specific plans after Master’s?"

If I even come that far, Brooke adds mentally.

"Becoming a famous scientist," the blonde answers after a brief pause and let's a little laugh bubble up in her throat. "May sound like I am reaching for the stars, but I would love to get a PhD degree and have an impact as a researcher."

Brooke knows the exact phrasing of the answer by heart at this point - having had to defend her dreams to multiple judgemental family members. Long used to the "psychology is not a actual science" snickers following her around.

After a brief pause the blonde attempts to shift the focus of the conversation. "Aren't you in the medical or more like science-y field as well? Or am I mistaken…"

A small smile appears on her counterpart’s perfectly shaded lips. "Not the stars, a PhD is perfectly attainable. But, yes, ‘science-y’ field is correct. Second year medical student."

So Brooke's assumption was correct, and the woman opposite her seems more open minded than her relatives.

"Oh wow!" Brooke Lynn adds, impressed. "People who have the guts to study medicine really impress me," she mentions with a little smile. "How come did you choose such a difficult major?" She’s a little bit unable to imagine how people can put themselves through so much stress. She pulls regular all nighters for research purposes, however, medicine just seems like the most direct path to a burnout.

"I’d like to help people. Even more than what my current position allows," the brunette pauses. Brooke wonders if the woman already regrets saying too much. "You said Neuro. Anything specific you’d like to research?"

"I actually have the same reason for my career choice, and not to sound offensive, but I find DID, Schizophrenia, and personality disorders really fascinating, and that's why I would love to find out more about the mechanisms involved in those disorders. In order to contribute to better treatment methods - obviously. Also, in general there are so many brain areas we only have mere assumptions about - yet not much factual evidence."

Once she takes a deep breath after her last sentence, she gifts Princess Safiya and awkward smile after having realised she ranted a bit. Three years of ongoing studies - and she is still as passionate about her dreams like she was on the first day.

The brunette shakes her head in response, some curls escaping her tight updo. "Don’t feel embarrassed. Those are commendable reasons, partly why I want to go into that field as well." Princess Safiya tilts her chin down a bit, before speaking up again, which makes Brooke painfully aware that she is still slumped against the wall. "I wish you luck with that... “ A seemingly confused blink accompanies the sudden silence. “I’m sorry, I didn’t ask for your name."

The blonde finally gets up from the ground, grabs her journal, and carefully straightens the fabric of her pastel pink skirt with her other hand before introducing herself. “I'm Brooke Lynn Sanders - but, please, just call me Brooke!” Her last ounce of enthusiasm spills out of her with a grand smile, while she attempts to a courtesy, barely remembering appropriate manners. Thank god her ballet lessons at least taught her how to do a proper courtesy - she might be a bit rusty, though.

“Brooke.” The name rolls off her tongue like it somehow actually belongs there, like they were meant to meet. With a single nod she approaches her farewell. “Well, I wish you luck in your studies. And for your time here at the palace.” Her regal frame now takes a step backwards.

“Thank you very much! It was lovely meeting you,” Brooke adds while letting her glance wander around. The grey walls and gold framed portraits unfortunately giving no indication where she is.

“Do you know, by any chance, how I can find my way back to my chamber?” Embarrassed laughter disruptis her question as nervous fingertips cradle her neck. “‘Cause it seems like I am lost.”

The princess gestures down the hall to their left, showing her the way. “End of this hallway, keep to the right until you see the main staircase. That’ll be on your left. Second floor is given to the Selected. I’d show you myself, but I have a meeting to get to.” The raise of her brows shows off the glowy highlight on her brow bone while just making sure the blonde would make it alright.

“I am pretty confident I will,” Brooke adds with a confident wink, before saying her finale goodbye. “It was a pleasure talking to you, your royal highness.” A slight grin tugs at the corner of her mouth as the formal title barely rolls of her tongue. “I wish you a lovely evening.”

The brunette's lips fall open, but she pauses before letting a word flow from her consciousness and offers a small, polite smile instead. “You as well, Brooke,” are her last words before she turns away.

The soft clicking sounds still reaches Brooke Lynn’s pinna long after she last saw the long train of the royal’s skirt being dragged across the marble floor. A silent tug on her heart bringis the mesmerized woman back to reality. The blonde blinks a few times before shaking her head and deciding to finish her writing in her chamber, hoping her maids have finally left, just so she can reflect in peace.

End of hallway - right - second floor

Now what ?

Brooke really should have memorized the location of her room a bit better. So all she can do now is stroll around the halls of the second floor without any concrete plan.

Well, it turns out that nearly all the halls look identical, and the only thing she remembers about her room is that it overlooks the garden. So as she wonders through the hallway, wondering if she just took a wrong turn, she bumps into someone.

“Oh gosh - fuck, I'm sorry”, the blonde exclaims at impact, before she scolds herself for cursing.

“Oh, sorry! Wait... Brooke?”

Brooke Lynn’s pupils blown wide as she recognizes the person opposite her. “Clara? I barely recognized you!” She exclaims with a smile. Giving herself a moment to take in the girl in front of her. Her once light blonde hair is now replaced by a gold brown colour, and the selected uniform has been swapped for a sleek A-line dress.

“You look great! But,” Clara tilts her head as she takes a brief pause - giving the the girl opposite her a brief one over, “is it you, though?”

“Thank you, don’t you think I would have chosen such a wonderful dress?” Brooke deadpans with an extravasated smile, and she twirls around before pretending to throw up. “Well - I actually asked them earlier why they can't just put me in a suit, but apparently that's not "lady-like enough" - so they forced me into this baby pink dress just to spite me.”

The blonde is still very bitter about this aspect of her makeover, just feeling incredibly trapped in this doll persona her stylists had created.

Clara rolls her eyes and smirks at Brooke’s complaints. “Tell me about it. They threatened to tie my legs together because I wouldn't stop tapping my foot.”

Brooke can’t help but let out a laughter. “Sounds like our stylists were in a similar mood! Also, like, how did you let them do this to your hair?” she adds in disbelief. “You were such a pretty blonde!”

“I can always dye it back.” The smile on Clara’s face makes it seem like she actually believes that statement. Ohh honey. Brooke’s split hair dye phase is still haunting her to this day.

“And don't tell anyone this, but I heard one of them call me whitewashed,” Clara whispers - even tho no stylist would possibly have access to this floor.

“She wasn't wrong, not gonna lie. It just hurt a little coming from her,” the now-brunette ends on a more serious note. The sting present in her voice.

Brooke’s smile falls and only manages to mutter, “ohh Clara. I am so sorry.”

Shakes her head, probably attempting to get rid of the memory. “It's alright. It hurts now, but it'll pass. So, where are you headed?” she asks after a brief pause, opening up a new page.

“I hope it does, Clara - I was actually attempting to find my room, but apparently that is easier said than done. The only thing I still remember is that I have the view of the royal garden.” Brooke pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, not even caring the pink lipstick could rub off onto her teeth.

“Not sure if I'm right, but I think that's the opposite of where my room is... so maybe that way?” Clara points out the way she recommends the blonde to take. However, even she seems to be confused in this maze.

“Well, that's the direction I just came from,” a laughter bubbles up her throat. “I freaking knew I took a wrong turn.” Brooke shakes her head in amusement until her glance falls back onto the girl standing next to her. “Where are you headed, tho?”

Clara joins Brooke’s laughter before revealing, “Nowhere. Just walking around.” Her dark brown eyes slowly scan the hallway surrounding them. “It's really pretty.”

“I did the same thing. That's how I got lost in the first place. Just wanted to find a quiet spot.”

The feeling of feathers buzzing in her bones had been so overwhelming she could have run towards the stars if she needed to. But now? Now, all of a sudden, the itch in skull has simmered down, leaving her room to breath.

“Yeah, I could use some quiet time too.” A quiet sigh leaves the girl’s lips as they just stand in comfortable silence for a minute.

“Do you think the people here ever get lost? Even the royals? This place is hu-uge.” She accompanies the stretch of the “u” with a large gesture - not even encapsulating an inch of this space. “It can almost fit a whole city.”

“At least I hope so - would definitely make me feel less bad for getting lost.” the blonde adds with a quirky raise of an eyebrow.

A visible shiver overcomes Lady Clara swiftly, which leaves her speechless for a cold minute. “Man, I feel guilty all of a sudden.”

“What's wrong?” Brooke let’s concern slip through her facade. One time won’t ruin a reputation.

“I don't know. It just occurred to me how privileged we are to be here -- upgraded to threes, living in an unnecessarily large castle, eating good food,” the woman digresses as her eyes widen abruptly. “Am I bothering you? I'm not thinking too much, am I?”

“Hey, don't worry. Everyone over thinks a bit. And yes, we may be privileged, but we can also make use of this privilege in whatever shape or form. May it be a representation, addressing certain concerns of the public directly to the crown prince, and any other way one could think of,” The blonde attempts to soothe her worries, all too familiar with that same kind of fear.

“Wow. Someone who actually gets me,” the girl whispers, smiling from ear to ear, as if the woman has somehow physically touched her heart.

And well, maybe Clara’s heart wasn't the only one to feel a slight tug.

As if someone could really melt the ice around my heart.

“Listen, I know this is a competition and we don't know each other much, but I'm glad we met.”

Brooke nods along with a small smile. Very flattered by the compliment according to the slight blush heating up her cheeks. “It's very nice having someone to talk to.”

Not one to easily overload someone with love and affection at first sight.

“So, the interviews are coming up soon. Are you nervous?”

“Uff.” Brooke’s grey eyes are now fully on display - pupils widen i in shock. “I actually completely forgot about that. To be fair it's a bit intimidating to talk the Prince, but at the same time - what do I have to lose? Let's see if I can keep my etiquette straight and be a nice lady.”

She hopes her weak joke still manages to deflect the insecurity hidden in her voice.

“Right? But honestly, I feel more intimidated by the princesses than Arin himself,” the girl reveals with a laughter sprinkled into the conversation.

“Ohh really?” Surprise is basically written across Brooke Lynn’s face. “Princess Safiya seems really nice.” Might have to do with the fact I actually met her, thought -

“She does.” Clara leans in close, her hair tickling the tip of her eyebrow, and whispers, “but I've been hearing rumors about Arin and his mom.”

The blonde feels very intrigued all of a sudden and asks if Clara would mind sharing. She’s never cared much for rumors or gossip - but what else could be exciting in this place?

“I don't know much, but apparently Arin and princess Mélanie aren't on good terms. No one knows why.”

Pink stained lips slightly fall apart into an O-shape. Curiously waiting for her counterpart to continue.

“That's all the stylists would talk about. That and the break up... I don't want to believe them, but I can't stop thinking about it.”

“I mean, gossips don't always have to have an ounce of truth to them... But the stylists work at the palace, so there might be some truth in that.” Brooke indulges herself for a second in to the mystery of it all - letting her thumb and index finger caress her chin before she pulls herself back together. “I mean, I don't wanna snoop around in their business... But you got me kind of intrigued.”

“Yeah, that's what I thought too. I guess it's just because it's the only thing I've ever heard about them from arguably reliable sources,” the brunette adds with a short scof, before jumping to the next topic. “I'm just really nervous about the interviews and I really don't know much about them. I’m worried I won't make the right impression”

”Listen if you are right for Arin - you'll make the right impression on him. You seem like a really sweet person, Clara. You have nothing to worry about.” Her initial brick wall is slowly softening for the gem reminding her of four-year-old Brooke, terrified of her first ballet lesson.

”I, on the other hand, might accidentally insult him with my dry humor,” she attempts to lighten the mood with an awkward giggle.

“Hey, we never know. Maybe he likes dry humor,” the shorter girl adds with a smile and pats Brooke on the shoulder as if she was the one needing reassurance.

“We'll see about that!”

“And if he's right for you, he'd definitely reconsider different means of transport instead of those awful planes,” Clara adds with a giggle.

Apparently Brooke Lynn’s rant about planes and their environmental impact left a lasting impression.

“I fucking hope so,” the self proclaimed environmental activist exclaims enthusiastically - her statement being heard from the adjacent corridor. Yet once she realised the f-word had slipped her again, she dramatically slaps her hand over her lips. “I am pretty sure I am not allowed to swear,” she mumbels while looking around before a loud snort escapes between her fingertips.

It’s no surprise Lady Clara crinkles her nose in laughter at her sight.

“Ugh, so many rules,” she adds with one last giggly breath before putting on a serious face. “I hope it'll all be worth it.”

“I doubt it will be. But, hey, I’m in for a good time, not a long one.” Brooke adds a wink for good measure, not yet ready to share how she even ended up here in the first place.

A stomach grumble pulls Brooke back out of her thoughts. “Someone's hungry?”

Clara answers with a chuckle, “Do they have room service or something? Are we allowed to eat when it's not meal time?”

“I fuck-” Brooke catches herself and restarts her sentence - like a real lady -, “I really hope they do. Your best bet would probably to ask your maids.”

“Ah, right. I guess I better get going then; unless you want to join me.”

A tempting offer, but Brooke certainly has emptied her capacities for social interactions today.

“Thank you, Clara, but I am actually not really hungry! I'll see you tomorrow morning then?”

Reminding herself that this isn’t just all fun and games. Some rules even apply in certain realistic nightmares.

“Alright. It was really nice seeing you again, Brooke!”

Brooke slightly waves the girl goodbye.

“See you tomorrow”, the brunette giftis her one last smile and walks away in the opposite direction of were Brooke’s room is meant to be. She should really go back and rest.

But all her body craves is to stay in place. Now stare at the empty space. Praying all of this is just a really drawn out dream.

#Brooke lynn Sanders #Selection oc #selection #poem #oc #writing #practice challenge

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irandrura · 4 years

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More detailed, spoiler-full thoughts on Xenoblade Chronicles 2:

One of the things that always fascinates me, when I compare JRPGs and WRPGs, is the sorts of conflicts they’re interested in, or the sorts of questions they ask. XC2 is yet another example of a JRPG that asks a question that simply never seems to arise in Western games. That question is: is there an ethical basis for the world’s existence? Is there a justification for the world continuing to be? Is existence, being, even a good thing at all?

XC2 is fascinated by this question, and even by the more narrow questions of “is it a good thing for humans to exist?” or “is it a good thing for people in general to exist?” It takes these questions very seriously, to the extent that characters who firmly conclude “no” are treated as sympathetic antagonists, rather than madmen.

Western games only rarely raise similar questions. Every now and then you get a madman in Fallout who thinks humanity is a scourge and should be replaced by some other race, or the likes of Archaon in Warhammer, who seeks to destroy the world because the gods demand it – but these characters are generally not treated sympathetically, and very little time is spent refuting them. Of course you stop the guy who wants to destroy the human race. What, you need a reason? Here’s one: you’re human, so are people you care about, end of story. There’s not much to engage with there. In the likes of Skyrim, when Arngeir suggests that maybe the right thing to do is to allow the world to be destroyed, the player’s response is incredibly perfunctory. “I like the world. All my stuff is here.” What more could you possibly need?

But justifying existence seems like a more central question to JRPGs. Not only XC2, but if I think back to, say, Final Fantasy X, or Final Fantasy VII, or Final Fantasy VI, or, well, half the games in that entire series, a frankly bizarre amount of time is spent arguing with nihilists who believe that the world and/or the human race should be destroyed, because... um, suffering exists, or the world is meaningless, or people are awful, take your pick.

My usual approach is to just attribute these differences to religion. The West is deeply influenced by the Abrahamic tradition, in which God creates the world and pronounces it good. There can be no real question of whether existence is good or not. To even ask the question is blasphemy. This instinct now seems so deeply-rooted that even atheists, who outwardly reject all religion, just take it as read that existence is a good thing. By contrast, Japan still has a historical Buddhist influence, and Buddhism is much more skeptical of the value of being. If you could destroy samsara... would you? Is the goal of the spiritual life to escape, to obtain release from the shackles of the world? The Buddhist tradition contains significantly greater ambivalence towards the world.

In XC2’s case, I think it’s a little more complicated, because XC2, like XC1, is heavily influenced by Gnosticism. I am far from the first person to suggest a similarity between Christian Gnosticism and Buddhism, of course, but here I think the Christian imagery comes to the fore. Klaus is a demiourgos, the Architect of this world, standing in the place of God despite not being truly divine himself. This flawed creator goes on to let loose his own trinity – Ontos, Logos, and Pneuma; Being, Word, and Spirit – but nonetheless is full of regret, unsure as to the value of the world he has tried to build. God himself is not visible; only this broken man trying to fill in for God. Even he is not convinced of the world’s goodness!

(And while we’re on the topic of Christian imagery, yes, I know, Pyra and Mythra’s core crystal is cross-shaped, and Pyra is symbolically crucified like four times in the plot, it’s not subtle.)

But to step away from religion for a moment and look back at specific characters...

What drives most of the central characters of XC2 is, initially at least, the desire to cease. Amalthus believes that the world is nothing but a vale of tears, and regards the world with little but hate and disgust. Malos is corrupted by Amalthus’ hate and believes that justice requires the world be destroyed. Jin is driven mad by the cruelty of the world, comes to hate the Architect and seek to destroy him. Even Pyra, our ostensible heroine, wants to reach Elysium in order to beg the Architect for permission to commit suicide and cease to be.

As such, the heart of the story of XC2 is responding to all this with, “No! Life is worth living!”

It seems like such a banal message. If anything, it’s doubly so because the game’s protagonist, Rex, is the most relentlessly optimistic and upbeat person in the world. Rex is the sort of person who’ll respond to all the above with an innocent, “Well, that’s how life is, you know? You’ve gotta take the good with the bad.” He has no darkness in him at all. Even Shulk, who was a total sweetie-pie, was willing to go on a quest to flat-out kill someone for revenge. Rex is truly a beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. Heck, one of his lines in battle is a completely unironic “We’ll beat them with the power of friendship!”

That’s one of the odd things, for me. Rex himself does not struggle with inner darkness, or with anything I’d recognise as suicidal tendencies or depression. He searches for an answer to justify the world to Malos, but ultimately doesn’t come up with anything more coherent than, “There are wonderful, valuable things in this world, and I believe people can change, and I know that you once believed that too!” This isn’t a story where Rex finds a substantive answer to the question, or one that would satisfy a philosopher. Rather, he ‘solves’ the puzzle through sheer force of will. He ends up convincing the Architect that the world has merit not through anything he says, but through what he does – through his selfless optimism and belief in other people.

Just as Amalthus and Jin concluded the world needs to die not because of philosophy, but because of traumatic personal experience, Rex concludes the world needs to live because of positive, uplifting personal experience. The answer to the dark impulse that would destroy the world is to point to positive relationships within it, even in the lives of the people trying to destroy it: Mikhail and Patroka, or even Jin and Malos, have genuine friendships. (The moment where Malos stops to hug Jin, even as he heads off to destroy the world, is surprisingly touching.)

On one level this really works. It fits surprisingly well with the overall Christian themes: the answer to “why should the world exist?” is “loving relationships”. Pyra’s answer, in fact, is “I love this world because you’re in it.”

On another level, it feels a touch disappointing, if only because it means the climax of the game is just a reiteration of what the player’s been hearing for the past fifty hours: yes, love and friendship and bonds are good things!

Where Xenoblade 2 works, I think for me, is where the specifics of the relationships feel powerful enough to make those clichés feel fresh. The game’s world sets up a number of reasons to despair (the world is slowly dying, the titans are dying, people are warring over the declining and limited resources, etc.) and then sets up a lot of obstacles to relationship (the Blades, immortal, but having their memories wiped every time their closest friends die, feel quite tragic), and then shows love and friendship perpetually overcoming them. The game’s strongest moments are those where, at a point of despair, somehow love saves the day again. Chapter seven stands out here: both the moment where Nia reveals her true identity, and where Rex practically raises Pyra from the dead by standing over her body and talking about how much he believes in her. Naturally, then, the game ends on the emotional high of the entire playable cast flying off into the sunset, looking fond of each other, Pyra and Mythra’s miraculous return, and the closing line: And thus, boy met girl. Like any good love story, it works only if you buy into the characters’ emotions.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2, summarised: “Should you commit suicide? No, because love.”

Now that said, two other random observations:

In the first Xenoblade, I really disliked the Klaus twist at the end. It felt like it came out of nowhere, required a large exposition dump, and didn’t add much to the plot. For me, the first Xenoblade felt pretty much entirely downhill after the defeat of Metal Face. Xenoblade 2 still has more-or-less the same backstory with Klaus, but here I thought it was contextualised much better and was more effective. The revelation that the Architect is the torn remains of an ancient scientist, trying to rebuild the world from scraps but now half-given up on the whole project as a waste, feels like it fits much better with the world that we explored.

Xenoblade 2’s world always felt somewhat artificial, and from the very start of the game it was evident that there was a previous world before this one. There’s something beneath the Cloud Sea, and whatever it might be, it was evidently once technologically advanced. Making Rex a salvager was a good move to emphasise that, and the way that so much of the world’s economy depends on salvaging the ruins beneath the sea reinforces the sense of the world as being in decay. The Architect is mentioned at the start of the game, so you know that the world was made or at least modified by someone for an unclear purpose, and the World Tree is mysterious enough. So when later in the game you do go below the Cloud Sea and discover the remains of ancient cities, and then find that within the World Tree is an advanced scientific installation, it doesn’t feel like it came out of nowhere. Indeed, the final revelation – that ages ago a scientist accidentally destroyed the world in an experiment, and this is his imperfect attempt to fix it – feels both like a genuine discovery, but also something that, well, makes sense. Of course it was that. Of course! That explains so much about why Alrest is the way it is.

The second observation is... okay, so, XC1 and XC2 are in continuity, that’s all good. How does XCX fit in, if it does at all? I was a bit disappointed when Klaus’ flashback mentioned ‘Saviorites’ attacking the experimental station. Who are they? I wanted to assume that Klaus’ experiment was some sort of cutting-edge secret research immediately before the Ganglion attacked at the start of XCX. That way the aliens attack and start to destroy the Earth, in a panic Klaus tries to accelerate his experiment, hoping he can use the power of the Conduit to save the world, he screws up and ends up splitting the Earth off into two parallel dimensions, creating the worlds of XC1 and XC2, and meanwhile the survivors of Earth in the home dimension escape on their Ark Ships and go and do XCX. That would fit all three games together pretty elegantly, and Conduit-related weirdness might also help explain what the heck is up with Mira in XCX.

But there doesn’t seem to have been any room left for that, so I guess XCX is a completely different continuity? That just... also contains Nopon, who for some reason have heard of Shulk and the Monado? Who knows?

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dianapintoca · 4 years

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Memories

2020 is a constant throwback Thursday now.

It has been 50 days since the last dinner with friends, oh! How I miss all their pleasantries and endless conversations about any topic, always with respect, love and fun. It has been seven weeks since the daylight did not want to rise as the day before, making one of my recurrent nightmares came true. Many times I wondered if the world had a red stop button. To pause everything and catch up with all I had not done, it seems it does have. Nothing will be the same again, they say.

Two months of practicing social distancing have been testing the global society, governments and ourselves. It is interesting to observe how people face solitude in particular ways. Also, It is fascinating how we try to reconnect again with the outside world, creating collaboration and support nets with no borders.

From my experience, I have just gratitude for these challenging times. Now I value more a slide of bread, a glass of milk, an apple. I admire even more mother nature, who is the real resilience master. I treasure the time talking to my family and friends. I have found so many skills and developed a thought process that I never believed I could exhibit. I have learnt to look back to all my memories and feel peace and tranquillity regardless they are happy or not.

Not too long ago, my little brother made me realize that I have lived in five different decades, FIVE!. During that time, I have been shaping who I am. I have screwed up, but I have learnt to ask for forgiveness and, most importantly, to forgive myself. I have had many successes in my personal and professional life, and I have learnt to praise them no matter what society imposes about a successful life. I fell in love, and I am still in love. I created a company, and I went bankrupt, I have learnt from my mistakes. I lived at 2,810 meters above the sea level; in the sixth Latin American most populated capital; in the land of kangaroos, white beaches and Chris Hemsworth; in Colombia´s Beautiful City and, in the 10th coldest city in the world.

I am grateful for all the journey, and with these turbulent times that have forced me to travel back in my memories to connect the dots and know why I am here today. I set the rear-view mirror, and I do not feel regret or anger, I am conscious that every situation and every person in my past was a unique stone to build my character, values and purpose in life. Now, I am ready to give and share the positiveness and happiness with the world!

Thanks for reading.

#memories #journal #covid19 #self improvement #gratitude #mindset #throw back thursday #life #i am

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gasoliya · 4 years

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*air horn noises*

this is a massive post, so if you’d like to see some of the wanted connections i’ve typed out for my girl soliya, please read through the cut!! if your’e interested in any of them, please feel free to like or comment!!

let’s get writing, y’all!!! and come in here and catch this snuggle (and these plots)!

if you want a quick and dirty run-down of soliya, please click here for my intro where i talk a little bit about her past and bio! if you want to read her bio (it’s pretty short!) click here! but if you want both the live action and the replay...read both B^)

a few things to say - i know i have alienated her to a degree since the highest population of muses are in their early to mid 20s, but that’s why i purposefully wrote her as a traveler to offset some of that!! so that this way, at least she’d be able to travel around to the other nations and make meaningful connections with a whole variety of people!

also - these titles are all song titles/lyircs from songs on a playlist i’ve had on repeat for the last few days in quarantine. some are directly applicable feelings/vibe wise, others are just the right feel in the title itself and not necessarily the song lyrics apply to the plot! (wow this feels like krp tumblr in like, 2014). sidenote: i am a very flexible rper, and am comfortable with nsfw themes but PLEASE let me know if you are not! would never want to make any of my partners uncomfortable and PLEASE do not try to push yourself if it’s something you don’t like to/don’t usually incorporate!

LASTLY, i’m 100% down to plot out original connections too! and if you have a plot or role that you think liya might be able to fill for your muse, just let me know! but the below are certain connections i’d love to see for her c’:

now, onwards & upwards!

the other side x. (m/f/nb! any age! 2 open!)

for how angsty that title sounds this plot is not angsty at all LMFAO. while traveling with her father i imagine that she’d make some friends that she consistently seeks out whenever they’re in that nation! soliya is pretty relaxed and friendly, especially since that’s the whole point of a diplomatic visit. plus, just traveling to all the different air temples and nations, you naturally make connections! she probably tries to get to know as many people as possible and make as many connections as possible - plus a tour of each place from a local? heck yes! post-black sun, as she’s going through and getting the feel for how each nation is, as a representative of the air nomads and on her father’s behalf, i can imagine she’d be so fucking worried for all of the people she’s met and knows! this also allows us for current plots and past plots!! at the moment, looking for 1 muse for each spot from the other nations to start!

fire nation: open!

water nation: open!

earth nation: @zuerga

way you move x.(m/f/nb! +/- 6 years! 3 open!)

sometimes you just gotta get out excess energy! what better way to do so than a friendly spar? love the idea of our muses passing the time not just with companionship, but with some bending sparring! learning the tricks and the trades of each other’s bending styles, and pushing each other to be even better. there may not be a need per say, to train, but it’s always nice to keep your skills sharp and learn more about each style and person! i think soliya would be fascinated by the other types of bending out there, especially the particular and unique subsets of each, and also by how each person’s own style affects the moves/impact/force! since she’s also on the older side of the spectrum, could definitely see her being a mentor type not just to other airbenders, but also just in tactical elements/critical thinking during spars, etc. post-black sun...there may be a need to spar for the intents of training. but also - check ins on status, health, is there anything that i can do for you?

fire nation: open!

water nation: open!

earth nation: open!

love me less x. (m/f/nb! younger sibling! open!)

cough, so this requires the making of a muse, and i will put this on a wanted connection ask to the main page maybe like...a few days after i first start but like...this is a big part of liya’s origin story! i go over it here and here, so i won’t make this too long, but yes! i would SO LOVE someone to work this in their bio if they’d like and we can play out the various interactions pre, during, and post the incident. liya holds SO MUCH guilt from the accident and will probably never fully forgive herself, especially as she gets older, as the more mature she gets, the more obvious it is to her how much of a shithead she was as a teen. and even now, in her relationship with her bending and her personal relationships (esp. romantic) she’s guarded to a degree, even almost 15 years later.

I got too much dirt to come clean Closets full of skeletons that you don't wanna see Will you judge me? All my ugly? I won't blame you if you do

me & your ghost x. (m/f/nb! any age! 2 open!)

after the accident with her younger sibling at around age 16/17, she went into a period of self-isolation for about 4 months. 3 of which were spent on air temple island, and one in which she soul searched at the other 4 air temples (nesw). after she comes back home she’s ready to take on her father’s teachers on self-discipline and applying it into her everyday life & demeanor. that probably takes about another 4 months of intensive learning/meditation/isolation, along with traveling to other air temples for training with other airbending masters which comes to a total of 8 months in which she is just MIA. the idea for this plot would probably be that she is significant is some way to your muse - be it a big ass crush, an older-sister figure, a mother figure???, an incredibly strong friendship or any other dynamic, and when she just disappears without notice (i feel like she cycles through all the nations at least once every 2 months or so, stays for at least a few days) your muse is just “what the hell?” primarily a pre-black sun plot for the drama and character development, but that probably also means that by now (almost 15 years!) their relationship is hella strong and they’re very, very, close!

spot one: open!

spot two: open!

good news x. (m/f/nb! +/- 2 years! open!)

emotional support. someone to talk to, to confide in. this is someone, one of the VERY few people (maybe even the only one?) that she would confide in and talk openly about her feelings with, regarding the accident. i imagine this is a - after her 8 months of isolation/soul-searching, they’d meet for the first time, exchange kind of stilted pleasantries, and then just *emotional breakdown* as soon as they hugged. she’s be 17 at the time, so this is someone who would need to be about the same age/maturity to be able to handle it (or not!!! lmfao!!!!) and comfort or just, be there to help her work through it as she wouldn’t want to talk to her family about it - they’re just too close to the situation and their reassurances always feel a bit fake (to her).

similar to the above! primarily a pre-black sun plot for the angst and drama and character development, buy they’re super fucking close by now (or do they have a fallout???) so whatever we decide, it’ll affect what their relationship is like post-black sun!

I spent the whole day in my head Do a little spring cleaning, I'm always too busy dreaming Well, maybe I should wake up instead, A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget Why can't it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay? [...] Well, so tired of being so tired Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire? I'm no liar, but sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth [...] Good news, good news, good news That's all they wanna hear No, they don't like it when I'm down

roxanne x. (m/f/nb! +/- 3 years! open!)

the general gist of this plot is like...liya, in her head: man, fuck this asshole!

it’s that person that just gets under your fucking skin for some goddamn reason. be it completely different values, incompatible personalities (which is some a1 shit cause she usually gets along with most), or they’re just flat out hostile...something makes it almost impossible to stay calm around this person. they just dig at her finely shaped walls, and though she’s spent YEARS cultivating her self control and discipline, this person always gets her so close to breaking it and having her lash out (aka returning back to her younger days), but she’s not going to let them get the best of her (right?)

post-black sun...honestly i have no idea LOL. this would probably just have to be worked out in more detail with whomever takes this plot! as the undercurrents of why they don’t get along can be attributed to many different things (pure unadulterated hatred? simple annoyance? hate chemistry?), which would then affect how they are/interact after black sun!

Goddamn, Roxanne Never gonna love me but it's alright She think I'm an asshole She think I'm a player

alright let’s make a right at this stoplight into sad bitch hours! beep, beep, we’ve arrived! (i’ve been listening to a lot of sad ballads don’t mind me)

details: i’d always imagined that liya’s had 3 significant heartbreaks/relationships in her life. why three? because it’s a magic number and there are 3 main sad songs that have been in rotation on my spotify!

when we were young x. (m/f/nb! +/- 1-2 years! open!)

*krp writer voice* childhood sweethearts...*aza voice* but with a twist it doesn’t have to be requited if you don’t want it to be! i’m totally down for the longing childhood sweetheart/crush dynamic but if that’s something you’re interested in! i’m down for liya to be the one with the fat ass crush or it can be your muse too! but at some point i imagine they do go it a try, but it does end cause they’re...young and dumb (lol). but it’s your ‘i didn’t want to lose you as a friend, no romantic relationship is worth losing you forever’ dynamic but they’re already past that point!!! but is it of no return? especially with recent events? they obviously care for each other very deeply still, and i imagine that they still keep in good contact, and now that they’re older it’s easier to brush off/get over, but did all of those feelings fade completely? who knows! you decide (pre-black sun)! post black-sun...hold the ones your love a little tighter.

Everybody loves the things you do From the way you talk to the way you move Everybody here is watching you Because you feel like home You're like a dream come true

all i want x. (m/f/nb! +/- 4 years! closed!)

CLOSED: @ddmaiga unrequited in a way (?)!!! i don’t have hard opinions on who is who, but they fall into a relationship naturally (probably either instant chemistry, same interests, shared spaces, same opinions, yanno, the way young adults fall in love). but one of them keeps holding back because yanno!!! they’re BARELY young adults (think 19-23)!!! and while one is ready to deep dive, the other one gets cold feet and things end...not badly (but it could if you want it to!) but things just aren’t the same. it’s not a BAD breakup but it’s one that’s never really resolved because neither was willing to completely hear the other person out, and seet things from their perspective. it felt like neither was willing to meet the other halfway *sad violin music* so it’s a breakup with lots of loose ends! even better if we can make up situation in which they HAVE to interact and it’s awkward as hell (pre-black sun)! post-black sun...cue situation in which they have to interact probably LOL

And there's one more boy, he's from my past We fell in love but it didn't last 'Cause the second I figure it out he pushes me away And I won't fight for love if you won't meet me halfway

bruises x. (m/f/nb! +/- 3 years! closed!)

CLOSED: @gataash i’m gonna keep this one a bit shorter and only give the gist, as i’d really love to flesh out this plot via...well, plotting! essentially, they/she fell really deeply in love (i’m thinking she’s like, 26-28 during this), as in - ‘i may actually end up marrying this person’ kind of deep. they’re not co-dependent by any means, but they’re attached at the hip whenever they’re near each other, and i think this would probably be a relationship that’s REALLY steady for at least like, 3+ years, but whatever the exact reason, something comes up and it’s related to her incident when she hurt her younger sibling as she’s naturally incredibly guarded about this (i mean hey, she went into a self-isolating state and didn’t airbend for about 4 months after it happened). they fight, she tries to keep calm, ends up losing a bit of that control, and VERY VERY MILDLY injures the s/o, but due to the precedence and the guilt and lasting trauma from all those years ago, she breaks down, ends it, and runs away (aye) and plays the avoidance game for as long as she can manage.

post-black sun...there’s no way they’re not going to reach out to each other, just to make sure they’re okay. (wow this wasn’t that much shorter...darn it, self...)

I've been holding on to hope That you'll come back when you can find some peace 'Cause every word that I've heard spoken Since you left feels like a hollow street [...] There must be something in the water 'Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold ya You'd keep my head from going under

#ga:plotcall #gaplotcall

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cosmoclast · 4 years

Text

Withdrawl

My life has been taken over with school applications and exam study.

The good news is I have been accepted to every one I have applied to (that certainly did wonders for my self-esteem), the bad news is I feel overwhelmed because they will not leave me alone.

Here are a few of my loose thoughts:

Succinct || Syncopate || Sycophant

... Succinct sounds like Sect-synct or suc-synct…

It looks like it would be pronounced Suck-inkt

Suck ink-t? This is why I can’t spell worth a shit

Poinsettia || Poindexter || Poignant

… Why is that g in there, tho?

Why is this language like this?

Reading:

"Into The Gray" - A Neuroscientist exploring the border between life and death.

I have a predilection for this brand of existential non-fiction, so this fits in perfectly with my copies of “Ghost Boy” and “The Diving Bell & The Butterfly”...

Thus far:

The marriage of two neuroscientists has failed after one pursues psychiatric medicine, losing their passion for the science of the brain itself for the compassionate pursuit of treating the mentally ill. That ex-partner falls suddenly into a coma after an intense infection and became unresponsive in what is called a ‘vegetrative’ state. This leads to them to be a patient for the experimental research of the neuroscientist. Only through PET scans is it discovered that their brain is still sorting information into appropriate regions of their mind - indicating that they are consciously aware of everything but utterly unreachable.

Described poignantly as sending out a beacon into space and receiving a ping back from the void, it is aweing and terrifying there is something locked in the darkness desperate to make contact.

Years later the patient will recount:

“... They said I could not feel pain, but they were so wrong…”

“... I cannot tell you how frightening it was, especially the suctioning from the mouth into the lungs…”

“Sometimes, I would manage to cry out but they only thought it was a reflex…”

I’m enjoying this book. There's something sharply fascinating about the unresolved substance of ‘consciousness’ and identity stripping process of dying, the twilight inbetween, something that brings us down to the morrow of what we are. It’s titillating in a uniquely horrific sense.

Transient Aphasia?

Within the last few days I’ve found that when I cannot conjure a particular word, I can follow the blind-sight of another part of my mind and it guides me to write out the word… without my knowing beforehand what I am trying to spell until it is there in front of me.

It is probably exhaustion or stress.

But, I’ve seen a similar phenomenon demonstrated in ⪻split-brain documentaries⪼ - when the two hemispheres of the brain cannot communicate directly after mechanical separation.

In patients, when one eye is covered they may know the meaning of a word but not how to say it.

When the other is covered they may say the word but not know the meaning.

An experiment that demonstrates the communication between both hemispheres is as follows: draw the left image with your left hand and the right image with your right - simultaneously:

Most struggle to keep both hands drawing independently of commands coming from the other side. My information tends to cross towards the end, rendering something like this:

The two parts of my mind are not communicating effectively on particular parts of my lexicon.

I hope it’s a lack of sleep.

Depression

The word as phonetically innocuous as black ice.

Why is the same term for the pressure that bends bedsprings meant to capture an experience more akin to being imprisoned in a windowless room as the temperature rises, until all mental energy is consumed with the thought of escaping..?

I am not depressed.

We are not a part of one another.

Depression is one of two scavenging birds fighting over my remains. Prying me open with stabbing maws, tearing my spirit from it’s cradle. My airway occluded, blood blooming into my lungs, I am embroiled in a battle for air within a battle for my purpose - a battle over what keeps me alive within a battle for why I want to live.

A note to Love through despair:

Loving you is a sucking chest wound. Your embrace is like open heart surgery, a brutal, gory performance, a dangerous endeavour of killing a part of me to save the rest.

Break open my unity with kissing claws and rescue what I haven’t burnt to the ground. Do I want to live through this excoriation of self?

Locked behind the veneer of white wall banality, waiting room chairs, my pressed shirts, triple zero lenses, I am undergoing a rearrangement of my soul as everyone waits on desert blossoms, his fingers lace into my hair.

Wrapped in his arms, a broken thing, denied the brutal salvation of natures order, perpetual purgatory,

Even your tender mercies are cruel…

Post-Depression:

It fell like sandcastles to ocean surf. I woke one day to find it had gone, like a regretful lover who didn’t leave me their number and I was glad.

I’ve felt like a pumpkin left out past December, Autumn having passed me over, rotting in the solstice heat and forgotten, but rather than fading silently into the earth, I have begun to sprout and bud sunshine yellow trumpets,

to my surprise - I am not dead at all...

Day 2: Turning off my phone

It’s the second day I’ve utilized airplane mode.

I wish I could break the pretense and tell you it isn't your fault.

We have come to a temporary impasse; my nature & your persistence.

Your message has been received - You urgently need to advance.

But, I am a mule, fighting the grander pullings of linnaean predisposition which I cannot abruptly suspend for an impromptu wrangling… even if it is ‘at my soonest convenience’.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t this way.

But, my mind is like a steam engine, slow to warm then, a freight train rolling on coal with the momentum of an asteroid- your disruption is like a dental extraction, graceless and jarring, hauled out of the depths of my study with such suddenness, the question sticks to my ribs -have you ever heard of decompression sickness?

I attempted to stumble out of the assiduous fugue, like waking from a furtive nap - dazey eyed and agitated,

- God, what now- ...?

It’s not just you.

My connection is turbulent, every few minutes a device loses contact and unfailingly lets me know it;

⪻ DISCONNECTED CONNECTED RECONNECTING TRYING TO CONNECT DISCONNECTED RECONNECTING CONNECTED ⪼

This static in the background of every 15 minutes is excruciating...

Thinking of you,

You've crossed my mind every now and then.

It isn't that you deserve it.

In some way it's a betrayal to my own better sense, giving you the tiny space in my thoughts when something more consequential could occupy it.

After all, there's nothing I can do with my thoughts of you.

I turn wearily to them and think what a pity it is that you squander the tiny reprieves life’s given you, while others receive nothing.

I could use you to harden my heart or rationalize a distrust in those that have not earned it - but I won't.

We were only ever two ships crossing paths in the night, but when there is nothing but this vast tumultuous existence to traverse until it swallows us up, it’s strange that I still encounter others like you (having been here as long as I have), that still attempt to circumvent uncomfortable truths.

Surely, they should know by now that suffering is inevitable, that covering your eyes doesn't make it cease to exist.

I don't wish ill on the person you were.

It is not because I am unduly kind.

It is because I recognize vengefulness is a force too often shaping the world into something I would not want to live in. After reading "Reflections on the Guillotine", I can't quite find it within myself to see where that kind of barbarism fits in a just society. I wonder how great a transgression would have to be for me to shed my rationality and misconstrue such terminal brutality with justice.

I know eventually fate will kick us all in the teeth, there is no reason to force-fit inhumanity into a world view that must already accommodate for an overabundance of misery.

Instead of pain, I have begun to wish wisdom on you.

It is it's own punishment.

Rather than trying to build a better world on thought-binding torment, I believe wisdom seeks to form a foundation on a recognition that none of us are that far from being the one crushed under the heel of abused 'justice'. And, that is the world I would rather live in - in spite of my natural appetite for retaliatory recompense.

Maybe, one day our paths will cross again.

I hope who I meet then is someone else.

I hope the person I meet has come to see the value of self-honesty, the necessity and dignity in humility, and the fallacy of feeding into powerarchies within a friendship.

And, if you don't, I hope I have the integrity to still treat you as what you are - someone just as lost and fallible,

someone standing where I could have stood.

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youtiaoshutiao · 5 years

Text

go go squid! eps 1-30 - thoughts

i’ve actually read the novel for this a few years ago as a teen and it was just alright in my estimation, it was cute overall and a fun read but i largely forgot about it in the past few years. checked out the drama out of curiosity as to how they’d adapt it. have watched up to ep 30 at this point and i’d say i’m rather ambivalent (though i’m still pretty engaged) so here’s some rambling about my thoughts about my watch so far.

Ngl, the first 7 eps were unbearable to watch imo. I have a super low tolerance for secondhand embarrassment when watching movies and dramas (which is why i can’t get behind some high school movies/dramas) and it was uttermost torture watching tongnian stalk her way (very incompetently too, i must add) to k&k’s resting quarters, even getting his identity wrong (despite being fully capable of baidu searching him given that she knew his full name + found out he was part of a famous team), intending to go to watch him the next day but not even thinking about buying tickets till she was actually at the event venue and then being all righteous about not buying tickets from scalpers... Worrying about causing a misunderstanding among gun’s trainees yet continually getting near him and hence causing a misunderstanding anyway... Though i knew that it was part of her character setup (high iq genius but nil experience in love?) but i couldn’t bear to watch all this unfold haha. Coupled with the very draggy endless flashback scenes and all the testosterone-pumped angst about solo (and now 30 eps in i’m very into Li Xian’s turn as han shangyan but my eyebrows were hurting watching him furrow his brow 24/7) i was almost prepared to quit but was told that everything would get better around ep 8.

And lo and behold... it did. As predicted, around ep 8/9 a switch flipped and i began to be more engaged and enjoy the drama more. I was trying to pinpoint what exactly changed my opinion and i think above all, it was the character of han shangyan that really captivated/held my interest. I started seeing gun not just as the typical 霸道总裁 trope that’s just meant to be confident and commanding and therefore hot but more as a very complex and well fleshed out human (more so than the novel i think, but i can’t really remember at this point as it’s been years, and anyway the novel is a pretty short book while this drama is considered quite long for a modern fluffy cdrama thus allowing more room for exploration).

I really appreciated seeing all the dualities to his character, e.g. his god-like status in his industry and being the idol of thousands and thousands of youth yet seeing how this celebrity status does not translate to being estimated highly by the people around him, and how it does feed into his ideas and perception of himself to a certain extent, though he is also adamant on doing what he deems right, not caring what people think. How he as a leader of k&k appears unflappable, in control, and is determined, eyes fixed on the prize; yet his softness and care for his boys and the elderly he employs and his past teammates shine through in quiet moments and little actions. He has lofty dreams and big goals and aspirations for the future of his team, yet he is also a man bogged down by tons of emotional baggage, stuck in ruts of nostalgia and guilt and unprocessed anger about the past and unable to let go of past enmities or relations. Even his small little quirks amuse/intrigue me, like his sucking on sweets whenever he’s bothered, like his weird obsession with that one Beyond song and playing it whenever he’s Brooding about his past (though it’s probably just the drama’s way of shilling Netease Music lol)

Reading Han Shangyan’s personality/character arc as such, I found myself very invested in what was happening to him/what he was doing/his interactions with the other characters in the story. Even the flashback scenes and SP team scenes that I found very droll initially and still do to a certain extent now held more of my interest as a gateway to understand HSY more. He’s definitely not a perfect character and is deeply flawed, but I appreciated that they portrayed him in such a manner as he definitely felt more real. (though when it came to how this comes into play with regards to his r/ship with Tong Nian, I had rather mixed feelings about it, which I’ll elaborate on further below)

Similarly, I also enjoyed the fleshing out of side characters like Mi Shaofei, Solo, Su Cheng, Xiao Ai etc. Mi Shaofei’s arc especially was very moving and wistful to me, seeing him have his dream of being a champion rekindled at the start of the drama and going back to be a competitive CTF athlete, yet having his age and his lack of practice cause him to not be in top form and doing badly, and eventually making the decision to retire. Seeing him express regret having quit together with Han Shangyan back in the day in a pique of anger and not having this arc resolve in a neat, fulfilling way - I really appreciated it and thought it illuminated quite a sobering reality that timing and circumstances may not always yield the best outcome, that actions from the past that you thought were the right thing to do may come back to haunt you, that you may regret your past actions, that you may have to close the door on certain things even if you really want it. And I really like Mi Shaofei’s personality as well, seeing how he has a good read on his friends’ temperaments and personalities and knows how to diffuse tense situations (especially when Han Shangyan is being prickly and abrasive), how he values the collective above himself, like being happy that SP team scores improved greatly even when the improvement came about due to his retirement. I’m glad that he now has a new path which he can work towards his original dream of being a champion, albeit in a different way that he had initially envisioned.

The main thing niggling at me/making me feel conflicted as I watch the drama is actually Tong Nian’s character/Tong Nian and HSY’s relationship. I don’t really know how to explain what exactly bothers me so much about this, but here’s a shoddy attempt:

In comparison to how well fleshed out Han Shang Yan’s character arc is, Tong Nian’s arc sadly feels very underwhelming in comparison, and I wish similar character development was afforded to her character. 30 episodes in, I literally know nothing about her inner thoughts, motivations, character etc that is not Gun-related gushing. And this is all the more a pity given that her character’s setup was so cool - being so smart and intelligent, being so advanced in a STEM field, also having such a successful online career out of her singing hobby - all these hint at such an interesting female lead, but ultimately feels like an empty shell of a person. There really is no scene where she exists independently, separate from Gun or Gun-related thoughts pervading her mind - e.g. even when she is pitching some cool project idea showcasing her computing skills to the police department, she’s hung up on Gun after breaking up with him; when she’s invigilating a class she’s still thinking about him; she’s coding some new game for him; she’s doing some debugging... but that’s because she’s devastated after he behaved in a shit way towards her; she’s at some tryouts to be the singer for the ctf theme song! she’s showcasing her singing! but somehow... the show still managed to make it all about how she’s heartbroken over him; she uploaded a new song! ... but it’s about how she’s in love with him...

The show tells me she has a life outside of her crush on Gun, but it doesn’t show it as such. Though I also understand that this is due to the drama being centered on esports and hence involving HSY more, and Tong Nian is an outsider to the esports scene and thus her own activities would not be featured as much. It is possible that should they have chosen to feature more about Tong Nian, it might have affected the cohesiveness and pacing and how tight the plot is. But but but... she is the female lead, after all?? I literally know more about Mi Shaofei than about Tong Nian, and he is a supporting character! And precisely because the show did such a good job of fleshing out HSY, whose job and aspiration and passion and friendship-related angst etc lend a lot of fodder to shape his character and that is totally unrelated to his romance with Tong Nian, Tong Nian’s character development seems really lacking in gravitas in comparison.

This sense of imbalance spills over to my perception of them as a couple. I definitely am not opposed to or feel squicked out by huge age gaps in principle, as long as there isn’t some power imbalance and no teenagers are involved. But something about the combination of Tong Nian being all about Han Shangyan (at least that’s how the drama portrayed it, even if it was unintentional) while Tong Nian is only one part of Han Shangyan’s life + Tong Nian’s almost worshipful sentiments towards Han Shangyan + the show’s tendency to highlight how much sleep or time she sacrifices to do stuff for him, on top of the huge age gap made me slightly uncomfortable...?

I think I felt it especially during the plot arc of the second break up. The events of this arc were standard asian drama angst fare - interference from well meaning but biased parent leading to melodramatic wallowing in angst and mean behaviour attempting to drive the other party away... If purely viewing this arc from the lens of character exploration, I think the (rather ridiculous) events in that arc like HSY promising Tong Nian’s mother to not bother Tong Nian anymore and all his subsequent shitty behaviour towards Tong Nian shed some light on HSY’s inner self abasement and 自卑感 and was fascinating in that regard. But then seeing how Tong Nian who definitely puts him on a pedestal just internalised all of that horrible behaviour and accepted it and even kept on excusing his actions or asking him if she had done something wrong or if he was mad at her about the cat (though i also was mad that she just got a pet as a gift without asking beforehand lolol) or if he wanted her to do anything... that was SO painful to watch. (Until he implied that he cheated on her, thankfully she drew a line at that!!) I felt like it was bordering on cold violence to some extent? Not that any part of the second break up was Tong Nian’s fault, but just the way the show portrayed Gun’s way of pushing Tong Nian away and Tong Nian’s subsequent response made it harder to just dismiss the entire saga as just pure asian drama typical noble idiocy angst and left a really bad taste in my mouth. And above all what made me quite exasperated was how in the end, HSY didn’t even apologise to Tong Nian about it, and even attempted (and was successful) to get back into her good graces by listing all the reasons why he should be pitied and hence activating Tong Nian’s ‘Han Shangyan is so pitiful and I love him and want to give him everything’ mode, and being so smug about it??

(I feel like I come off as being rather inconsistent here lolol, earlier gushing about how much I love HSY’s character and now ranting about him. I think I just feel very confused about what to feel when watching the drama, and partially I think it’s because the entire romantic plot and all the events of the drama... require some suspension of belief and are not really very cohesive or well plotted, in the sense that it doesn’t seem to flow organically together with the characters’ emotions and responses? i.e. the character’s emotions/motivations/thoughts don’t correspond to their subsequent actions and the other characters’ subsequent responses to said action doesn’t seem proportional at times. So at certain plot points like how HSY got back together with Tong Nian so easily I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel outraged or just take it in my stride?? I’m not sure if I’m making sense)

Oh, another thing that bothered me was this weird machoism (?? not sure how to explain it) that I sensed at some parts. An example off the top of my mind would be the entire sequence of HSY and Mi Shaofei going out together after Mi Shaofei announced his retirement, with Tong Nian and Yaya trailing at their heels. Once again, from a character development angle, I enjoyed the dialogues between MSF and HSY, between MSF and Yaya. But seeing MSF and HSY pass their coats to Yaya and Tong Nian then embarking on some bromantic tension-filled run together, while Yaya and Tong Nian are left hovering around waiting for them to return and holding their coats; or seeing MSF and HSY give each other Meaningful Looks and then downing a whole bowl of alcohol in some testosterone-fuelled display of Manly Sorrow and Solidarity as Tong Nian and Yaya watch from the sides, worried... Then having Tong Nian and Yaya each attempting to comfort their respective men... idk, i think coupled with the fact that the show is centred around esports, and most of the esports characters are male, and a larger proportion the main female characters we see are not directly involved and are more on the sidelines, it just gives off the sense of like, the men in this drama having their struggles, their aspirations, their sorrows be forefront and central in the plot, while the women are just there to fawn over them and support from the sidelines and tend to the guys’ emotional needs and baby them when they are being grown children. I’m definitely not explaining this well enough and I’m not sure if my impression is valid or I’m just being a hater or being subconsciously misogynistic and projecting or something lol. I’d love to hear what anyone thinks heh.

Thankfully, that part of the plot is over and now the romance part of the drama seems to be settled and the drama I’m assuming is gearing up towards winning the championships. This is promising haha because personally feel like the esports plotline is more captivating than the romance. I sense that now that Tong Nian/Gun are a properly established relationship and both are fully on board the dynamic might change a bit so I shall see how I feel about their relationship in the last quarter of the drama!

With regards to the cast, there was all round quite solid acting imo. I thought Li Xian seemed to be overdoing it with the frowning and grouchiness initially but I think it was alright after a few eps. His microexpressions and meaning-loaded gazes and quirked-lip-smiles are pretty affecting. I watched some interviews of him and he seems really different from Gun in real life so that’s quite impressive. Plus I love his slight slouchiness when portraying Gun in the more personal scenes where the facade of gruff boss!han shangyan disappears lolol. For all my problems with the way Tong Nian’s character was portrayed, Yang Zi does a great job in her role too. I think her crying scenes have always been on point and it was no different here. Special shoutout to the actors for Mi Shaofei, Solo and Xiao Ai, who portrayed their roles really well I think!

Lastly on a random note, I’m quite amused by how the soundtrack copiously borrows from the Suddenly This Summer soundtrack, but I’m not complaining because the OST is pretty evocative and whimsical and makes me hugely nostalgic for STS :)

#go go squid!#亲爱的热爱的 #cdramanet #li xian #yang zi #李现 #杨紫 #drama watching #this is so badly written i cannot english #but i hope it makes some sense and isn't gibberish

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constanzemachiavelli · 4 years

Text

The Mercenary Band

Tanef was sitting calmly at the base of the tower keep, sharpening her swords with a whetstone she had found in the weapon's storage in the keep. Her breathing was sharp with signs of pain, due to her chest being hit by a war hammer. Somehow she and her other 4 companions had survived the siege and the assault, now resting and recovering from wounds, aside from Shirra, who was sent as a messenger to get reinforcements and save them from the siege. She, with Loth, their cleric, helped Thurn and especially Horn to heal, as they had taken most of the beating in the fight. There were 3 fresh graves outside the fort, for those 3 unfortunate companions that had fallen in the assault.

“You should rest too, Tanef,” Shirra had come down to see the elf.

Tanef kept sharpening her blade “I want to go to the town and shake those councilmen by their collars. How dare they condemn us to death!” She threw the stone away in anger, but then almost collapsed due to her injured chest.

“You are in no shape to take the 3 day journey south. Rest!” Shirra insisted and patted Tanef on her shoulder.

“Someone needs to repair the gate or stay on watch” Tanef resisted.

“Me and Loth can take care of it, don't you worry!”

“Fine” Tanef gave in and walked upstairs and layed down to rest.

After a few hours Tanef rose up again and went out in the courtyard once more, seeing Thurn woken up from his rest and standing around, balancing himself on a walking stick.Tanef walked over to him.

“Your leg is hurt?” she asked

“And you can't breathe normally” he answered

“What do you suggest as our next course of action?” Tanef asked.

“I personally do not want to deal with the so called council anymore, the already double corssed us already during the siege, I do not wish to be betrayed once more by those corrupted asses!” he proclaimed.

Tanef shifted around and thought for a second: “You are right, we should avoid dealing with them, as they have already proved to be untrustworthy, but we are under a contract for the next 3 months, we cannot break it or else we might be declared triaitors. I suggest we go back to the town and get our reward for the task. If we want to survive in this dimension we must live by its rules.”

Thurn growled “Sure, do the bare minimum, I'm fine with that.”

They both stood by in silence for a while, until Thurn whispered “This isn't my home anymore.”

Tanef hugged Thurn over his back and reassuringly said “It's fine, don't worry about it. We can make a new home, that is if you want to.”

He growled again and stabbed the ground with the stick strongly and went inside once more. Tanef stood for a while, thinking about how to help Thurn with accepting that his home dimension is all but gone. After that she walked off to inspect the walls and defences, unable to do so before due to the siege.

After a few hours of slwoly surveying the surrondings, Tanef went back to the fortress, to its tower keep, and saw everyone already gathered together. Tanef joined them and started to talk.

“How is the gate doing?” she asked to Shirra

“One side is useless, but the other is still standing, we'll need a new gate if we want to keep the fort for ourselves. I'm also concerned about the food stocks, we only have enough for a few days left, we'll have to travel to a village or the town soon to get the supplies we require.” Shirra said.

“We need more drink!” Horhrug said.

“Alright, we'll sort that out soon, but first we have to get to the town and get our reward for holding the fort. We can gather the supplies along the way.” Tanef told everyone.

“Who will stay behind and guard the fort, though?” Shirra asked. “Do you plan to recruit from the villages?”

“That is an option, yes, but it might take a bit too long to make sure its properly defended, so I propose that only I will go, while the rest of you stay behind and protect the fort.” Tanef answered.

“Wouldn't that make us vulnerable without you? We'll be 2 people less in case of another siege!” Loth said worryingly. “You are also hurt, don't you need some help with you?”

“We need to take our chances regardless, we will starve to death before we can leave the fort, and who know what those spineless bastards might do if we dont come in timely fashion, the lives sacrificed here would have been spent for nothing!” Tanef said

“Whatever you say, captain...”” Shirra said.

“So it's been decided, tomorrow morning I depart for Amelgalia.” tanef said, stood up and headed out.

“Where are you going?” asked Thurn

“I need some fresh air, that's all.” Tanef answered.

Next morning she went out before the sun was up.

She loved the night's sky the most, as it had the most going on. It had stars, moons and other objects she just couldn't find a name for. And sometimes something shot past or appeared for a few moments. The day sky she also adored, the fluffy forms of the clouds and the sun itself. She still hadn't seen a sun setting or rising, and she forgot to do so again this morning, too enchanted by the shifting tones of the sky as the morning came. Living almost all of her life underground had stolen her the joys of what a sky is.

But she also had to keep to her goal, getting to Amelgalia. She made sure to pack everything she needed, that is, food and a few essential things like flint and steel for firemaking and bandages, in case she got hurt. As well as her contract with the city, which she brought in case of needing a proof of her employment.

The trip to Amelgalia lasts one and a half days and she passed a village on her way there, before the night set. She decided to not push herself and find a place to camp for the night. The season seemed to be summer, as far as the subterranian upbringing told her, so she didn't see a reason to bring a tent or anything.

She decided to sleep on the trees, a pretty good hiding place in case of some bandits, and a perfect place to observe the stars from. Unfortunately she missed the sunset, again, so she made herself content with another night of star gazing, as she had done every evening so far. Before she knew it, she was asleep.

She woke up coughing, her chest hurting unbearably. She had overexhausted herself yesterday and now will have to go slower, maybe only reaching the city in the evening.

The sun was well up when she woke up, so she sighed in regret that she couldn't see the sunrise again, but onwards regardless, clutching her chest and resting on the road side to rest for a few moments.

Suddenly, she heard a noise that resembled a horse stamping the ground. She lookd to her left and safe a cart being pulled by a horse. She stood up and waved her arm towards th cart and waited for it to come closer. Soon, it came and stopped, its driver speaking down towards Tanef.

“Where do you want to go, stranger?” he asked.

“Amelgalia” Tanef responded.

“What business you got there?”

“I'm an adventurer and im heading to receive my reward from the council.”

The man scanned her body. “You do look like the sort. Are you by chance one of those mercenaries that occupy that fort up in the north?”

Tanef cackled. “I'm too young to throw my life away in such endavours.”

“How old are you then?” the man asked.

“Just 170 years old, not that much.”

The man looked with wide open eyes. “Alright then. Uh... do you require a ride to the city?”

“Of course” Tanef answered

She climbed in the cart and sat down, and the man cracked his whip and they rode onwards.

“So on what kind of adventure were you then? You don't really look like from here.” the man asked.

“Oh I come from far away lands, you could say not from this world, even. I was sent on far, far away quest by the council after an artefact, fought many monsters, got lost a few times and had to find my way back, you know, the usual adventuring stuff.” she told.

“From another world, eh? You are either a big liar, story teller or both.” the man replied.

“What if I am? I've told many lies to my comrades back when I still had any. I've told them stories that never took place, lied that I am some sort of... plane hopper, that I have seen the sky for hundreds of years, forced to hide my fascination with it in case I am found out to be a liar. Some nights I dream about... I mean dreamt about how much easier it would to slice their throats and find my way in the world by myself, without them stalling me.” Tanef said, coughing at the end.

The man dropped silent but then chuckled. “I didn't understand a single word from you, girl. You must have lived no more than 25 sumers, full of dreams and ambitions. Wait till you reach my age, then you will find a value in setting down, with friends... and maybe a partner. Did you run away from your home? No, you are dressed like some bandit, so maybe you are one! Maybe I should throw you out my cart, you filth. Better keep your mouth shut or you will get worse treatment than this!” The man spat out his words in anger.

“I'm sorry, I must have had something deep inside me that I needed to get out. I hope I didn't scare you too much” the man apologized after a small while.

Tanef remained silent and just looked at the surroundings while sitting in the empty cart.

After a few hours, the two reached a large fortified city, Amelgalia. Its walls were around 10 metres high and had several towers on them, protecting the insides of the city. There were some buildings outside the walls, though, mostly merchant booths and warehouses that wouldn't fit inside the city. The horse stopped and the old man spoke to Tanef.

“Well, this is it. We need to part now as I have business outside the walls. I wish you well on whatever you need to do here.” the man said.

“Thanks” Tanef muttered.

“Wait!” The man said as soon as Tanef started walking away. “What's your name?”

“Tanef.”

“Glad to meet you, Tanef. I am Kristoff!”

Tanef waved her arm as a goodbye and walked inside the city.

#fantasy #writing

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throwaway-sinfulwriter · 5 years

Text

The Same - Chapter 7 - 4/6

Sitting in Dr. Brown's living room, Malcolm and JT question her until she finally begins to divulge.

"Was Alice Downey taking LSD on your order?" Bright asks the woman, a small tape recorder in his hand. The throw pillows on the chairs and couch reminded him of his father's eyes. He tries not to look at them too often, focusing on Elaine instead.

"This isn't 1963, Detective. I can't make anyone do anything." For a moment, he and JT share a look.

"Except, you can. With your credentials and authority, you could make anyone do anything. How long did these experiments last? How many students participated in them?" The pillows were mocking him. They were simple, a blue to green gradient with shimmery thread and sparse beads.

He questions her, mouth running on auto-pilot as his mind slowly drifts off to another place. He sees recognition in her eyes as he lists off what they know about their suspect.

Bright faintly hears the name Dominic Render as his eyes glaze over.

Malcolm fully spaces out.

He couldn't get his father off of his mind. Shutting his eyes, Malcolm remembers every glance Martin had ever gave him. How his eyes darkened when annoyed, lit up when he was joyful. How straight and perfectly white his teeth were when he smiled.

"-right?"

Malcolm just wants to sit here, and think about things he usually never allows himself. Just for a moment. A sinful, forbidden moment. Think of his father's hands, how they were still bigger than his, even when he was fully grown.

How his father would put on records and play classical music to dance to, how he read sonnets to him as a child. Doctor Whitly taught him to play the piano at a young age.

He was remembering the small details, the ones that hurt to think about when his father wasn't there.

Martin loved the rain. He would always make Malcolm hot chocolate and read to him when it rained. Kept him warm, even when a storm was raging outside.

"Bright? Bright? Malcolm blinked his eyes open, and instinctively clicked stop on his tape recorder.

"Uh.. sorry. I'm just.. uh.. I'll just.. I'll go wait in the car." He stood and walked outside, sighing as the cold air hit his face.

He was thoroughly embarrassed about losing himself like that. Making a fool of himself in front of JT, who already hated his guts.

Malcolm enters the car, resting his head on the back of the seat and taking a few deep breaths. He just needed to get back into control. Become closed off from his emotions.

He knew how to do it, his heart was just hurting so bad he didn't know if he could. Malcolm needed to escape from his mind. Focus on something else.

JT. How long had the man been calling out for him while he was trapped in his childhood memories? Seconds? Minutes?

He didn't know. Bright sighs, his tired eyes refusing to rest as he fiddled with the car door. In fact, he knew nothing about JT. Only that his humor was incredibly strange, and he did not like Malcolm.

The driver's door open, and said man hopped in the car. "Elaine is settled down for the night with some chamomile."

Malcolm nodded, pushing down the discomfort at the mention of tea. His mother always tried making it for him, but he refused to drink it. It was how his father drugged his victims.

Tea laced with ketamine.

Needless to say, Bright was more of a coffee fan.

"Hey, what happened in there? You completely zoned out." JT asks, hands on the steering wheel.

He shrugs. "Yeah, that happens sometimes. My body can shut down at times."

"Gil and Dani are off looking for Render. He wants me to stay on Professor Bad Trip."

Malcolm stares at him.

"That means you can go home."

He doesn't respond to that. "What does JT stand for? Joseph? Jake? Jason? Julian? J-"

JT interrupts him.

"I don't think you're stakeout material."

Bright shakes his head. "I'm a chronic insomniac. I was made for this."

JT looks past him, observing Elaine's house. Only the porch and living room lights were on.

"How many kid's brains do you think she scrambled to get that house?" Malcolm glares at him, crossing his arms.

"…Sorry." He says reluctantly. "I know she's your people "

The profiler next to him hums, non-committal. "No. You're my people."

JT gives him a certain look, and Malcolm raises his eyebrows. "Tell me why I'm wrong."

"In the service, we have a hierarchy." So, JT had been in the service. Malcolm had guessed this the first time they had met, but now his assumption was confirmed. He smirked lightly.

"Your rank earns you respect. It's the same for cops, y'know. I have a badge. But you don't respect me."

Irritation grows in Bright. How could the man be so daft?

"Listen.. when I was a kid, a cop came to my house and took the bad guy away. He saved me. Saved me from hell on earth, from a lifetime of fear. There is not a single person that respects the badge more than I do, okay?"

Malcolm is uncomfortable with opening up to JT, but he knew that he had clear this up now, to prevent anything from happening later.

"Any respect I haven't given you is what you've been giving to me. You've been an absolute dick since I started consulting, and it's really not helping any of us. Including yourself."

"I'm doing my best. I might not have the most orthodox methods, and I know I come off as strange to you, but I do my best to get justice for everyone. Just like Gil tried to give my family justice." Tried being the keyword.

He doesn't want to get too emotional, so he runs his hand under his nose and sniffs.

"I need to ask Dr. Brown a question. For the profile." He exits the car.

-------

Sitting in Doctor Elaine Brown's living room, Malcolm Whitly opens up about his case. It was quite sad to call his life a case, but that was what it had been since he was 10 years old.

Legal documents, testimonies, and news articles. It wasn't much of a life for a child. And it didn't lessen as he got older. People had always expected he would turn out like his father.

"Your case is a testament of the humans mind to endure trauma."

Malcolm winces. Ouch. Not exactly the support he had been looking for.

"Uh.. thanks? I guess? Was that a compliment?" Elaine just raises her eyebrows and drinks more of her tea.

Bright shudders in his seat, the scent of chamomile in the air.

He continues on, telling her about his "controversial" repressed memories, and everything he had been diagnosed with.

She asks him if he believed he had been drugged, and Malcolm nods, fingers tapping in a rhythm on the arm chair to stop the tremors.

"Have you ever smelled chloroform?"

"..Well, it's not my drug of choice." She gives him that look, a look that his therapist gave to him often. He knows he's deflecting, okay, but he's not very comfortable talking about this with anyone.

Unlike his therapist, Dr. Brown continues on.

"It has extreme chemical notes, but it's actually quite sweet smelling."

He swallows hard. Thinking of his father's clean, crisp cologne with a hint of chemical and sweetness.

"A familiar smell can trigger repressed memories."

Malcolm stands from his chair, going over to a desk in the far side of the room. Fingers resting on his hip bones.

"Do you have any fears?"

He asks, shuffling through the papers on the desk. Looking at different files, with graphs and charts. Dr. Brown doesn't say anything about him going through her things.

"I have regrets." She says, and Malcolm turns to look at her curiously.

Elaine continues. "If your memories are blocked, it must be because your mind is afraid of something in your memories. You'll need to overcome that fear to access them."

Malcolm notes this, vowing to remember that fact once the case was over.

He turns, eyes raking over the room. Meticulously looking at every detail, trying to find something that would aid him.

His eyes catch on a glass display of tribal masks, and his head tilts. Something clicking in his mind.

"These are.. interesting." Bright says, going up to the case and staring at the one displayed in the middle. There were four in total, but he couldn't tear his eyes off the one.

"What is this one?" He asks, finger poised just inches from the glass case.

"It's African." Malcolm exhales through his nostrils, trying not to snap at the woman. He knew that. He wasn't an idiot.

"It's an artistic interpretation of Lucifer." A cold shiver travels from the base of Malcolm's skull to his tailbone.

"Has Dominic Render ever been here?"

"Yes, he along with many other students.. he.. he was always fascinated by those masks.."

Malcolm sprints back to the desk, gripping the folder with the copy of the notes left by Render.

One thing he hasn't understood earlier was the circular shapes Dominic had formed with his words. At the time, separately, it hadn't made much sense.

But now..

Bright moves the papers around, his own panting breath loud in his ears. Stepping back, he looks at all of the papers. They form a face. His head snaps to the left, at the Lucifer mask, and back.

"He wants you to understand him. To find him." Dread washes over Malcolm as he quickly takes a picture of the papers and shoves his phone back in his pocket.

"This is where he's planning on killing you. It has sentimental value to him."

"S-something's wrong." Dr. Brown tells him, and his heart drops to his stomach as he turns to her. She's sweating, pupils dialated. "My pulse is racing, my thoughts are shifting. It-It's the tea. The chamomile."

Malcolm rushes over to her, biting the inside of his cheek so hard the bitter taste of blood fills his mouth. He should have known to not trust the tea. Dammit.

At least it wasn't ketamin. If it was, he wouldn't be able to function. Wouldn't be able to help the woman.

He ignores the pain at the thought for now, hesitantly placing his hands on Elaine's arms to get her out of the chair. His stomach flips unpleasantly at the touch.

"You've been laced with LSD. We need to get you out of here." Bright leads her to the door, and goes to open it when all the lights cut out.

Left in the dark, the only sound Elaine's drugged babbling and his own panicked breathing, Malcolm knows what he has to do.

"Come on, let's go back." He pulls her away from the door, and she holds onto him, pupils unnaturally dilated. "Shh, shh. Come on. Sit back down.."

"Stay here. Don't go anywhere." Bright tells her, making sure she doesn't get up, and leaves the room.

Outside, in the hallway, is a record player. A record is already sitting in it.

Malcolm takes out his phone, ringing JT. He waits in tense silence until the man finally answers.

"JT. Dominic Render is in the house. Get in here." He hangs up, not waiting to hear the man's response. Malcolm would have to go find the mentally ill man, prevent him from getting to Dr. Brown.

Thankfully, due to his father's love of classical music and all things retro, they had a record player in their home. He and his father used to dance to Frank Sinatra.

Thank you, Martin. Malcolm thinks as he turns the player on, pressing the needle onto the record.

He flinches as rock music started playing. It was definitely no Sinatra, and it hurt his ears quite a lot, but hopefully it would delay Render.

The loud music should confuse the man, and if Malcolm was lucky he might hallucinate due to sensory overload. A part of Bright feels guilty for undoubtedly causing a mentally ill man more pain.

But, thinking back to the Professor's empty head and the many blades next to Carl Mitchell, Malcolm can't take any chance.

Malcolm stops by the fireplace, grabbing a fire poker and holding it ahead of him like a weapon.

Walking through the house slowly, hands in front of him, Malcolm tries to talk Render down.

"Dominic Render!" He calls out over the booming music, trying to hide the fear that was bubbling at the surface. Malcolm couldn't let the man to have the advantage.

"No one else needs to die." He comes around the corner, muscles tensing in anticipation of the killer being there. He isn't.

Where could he be?

Malcolm goes over the entire house, not finding the suspect. That only leaves one place.. upstairs.

"I know how you feel. I've had my fair share of nightmares."

He begins slowly ascending the stairs, his breathing erratic and undoubtedly afraid. His palm runs over the wooden railing of the staircase. It does little to calm him, but Malcolm memorizes the grain of the wood underneath his hand.

"But they trapped you inside yours, didn't they?" Bright prided himself in his skill of talking people down, getting a Masters in Psychology hadn't just been for show. He reverently studied conversation, and the act of talking to a person who was dangerous.

It helped him in the sociopathic aspect (he was not a sociopath, he just had tendencies). He understood empathy more, though he could not accurately emulate it without looking quite robotic.

It also helped in his career as a profiler. He had many personal conversations with killers, which was especially easy due to his background. Malcolm was quite good at subduing killers, talking them down from suicide after they had been caught. Showing at their trials, convincing them serving time was better than death.

He wanted to use this skill to help Dominic Render, but so far the man had yet to show. This worried him. Bright not be able to talk him out of it.

"..Dominic, I know you're scared." Malcolm reaches the top of the staircase, walking towards a closed doors on the left. "I am, too."

The door opened, and the next thing Bright knew, he was being hurtled backwards, into a picture on the wall. He feels the glass shatter as he hits it, all breath leaving his body. Hitting the wall so hard, his knees wobble.

He fights back with the fire poker, holding it in front of him so Dominic couldn't stab him. Malcolm pushes against him, giving him enough space to get away from the wall.

Dominic's hand hits the wall, and Bright is behind him. He grabs Malcolm by the shoulders, trying to get him down the stairs so he could subdue him properly. This doesn't work well, as Render's elbow comes back and hits him in the face. The hit causes his shaking knees to give in, and he collapses to the floor.

Render stands over him, pressing him with his foot to the edge of the staircase.

"This is how I respond to fear."

He crouches over Malcolm, raising his blade.

Malcolm's eyes go wide, pure, unbridled fear in his eyes. This is it. He's going to die. Dominic is going to kill him, take his brain and.. and what? Do what with it? He didn't know, there was no time, he couldn't even open his mouth for his last words-

There's an incredibly loud bang, and Render is off of him, a warm splatter of blood on his face. Unlike the time at Quantico, when the feelings that followed were resentment for a person that could be saved, all Malcolm felt was satisfaction.

If that was how Dominic reacted to someone who was trying to help him, he couldn't imagine how he would react to someone prosecuting him.

He doesn't wipe the blood off of his face, sitting up calmly and looking back. Dr. Elaine Brown is standing on the staircase, shotgun still in hand.

"I-I did it. I killed him." Something twists in Malcolm's chest, and he slowly desends down the stairs. There's a large crash somewhere in the house and then a cry of, "Police!"

JT enters the archway near the staircase and raises his gun. "No!" Malcolm tells him. "No. Wait."

"Elaine, you're in the middle of an intense psychedelic episode. I know it may seem like a lot right now, but in the end it's just going to be a bad trip." He manages to take the gun from her, taking out the bullets and turning the safety on, throwing it to the side.

"You can't run from the fear. You just have to.. fall into it, okay? You did this." He gestures up the stairs at Render's body. Cold and lifeless. "You have to live with it now."

#my fic #my writing #the same #prxdigal sxn #malcolm bright #malcolm whitly #malcolm/martin #martin whitly #jt tarmel #dead dove do not eat #i apologize to this fandom

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juniperblooded · 7 years

Text

Mozart L’Opera Rock Starters << ACT 1 >>

Feel free to change pronouns to whatever is appropriate for your muse(s)!

>> Penser l'impossible

“Again, they twist our ideas and strange them at dawn.”

“They burst our dreams without remorse.”

“In these days of defeat, we bow our heads.”

“Always, they stand as guardians of their ivory tower.”

“They are deafened.”

“Bodies are kneeling with ropes around their necks.”

“They squeeze our spirits with their sorcery and privileges.”

“They trap us.”

“They promised us easy days, the fools.”

“They allowed us to live tame lives without sweet insanity, without poetry...”

“The boredom found in these endless nights turned us into puppets.”

“Think of the impossible first of all.”

“Burn our golden prisons.”

“Dare to reach a utopia until the end.”

>> La chanson de l'aubergiste

"Leave your troubles at the door.”

“Here, we know to drown former loves.”

“Your heart at half mast, glass in hand--toast death without fear!”

“Stop your damn complaints and sing the glory of absinthe.”

“Forget everything else that’s not the sea of drinks.”

“Drink more than you should--it’s good for all that you are.”

>> Le Trublion

“The canons of justice thundered, lighted by your militias for the good of our people.”

“All the bells of our churches are soiled by your greediness.”

“But heaven forgives me.”

“What they order, what they condemn--I won’t give my weapons back.”

“Inquisitors, citizens: I owe you nothing.”

“Inquisitors, citizens, docile guardians of the common good: walking away from your right path makes me feel so good.”

“I’m a freethinker, a troublemaker, a nuisance.”

“Sir Judges, prosecutors, I don’t care of your courts.”

“I sit on the honor and values I despise.”

“In the flood of your censures, my life remains an adventure.”

“If my madness isn’t permitted, it’s more than exquisite.”

>> Bim bam boum

“I am a woman: half-moon, half-human, an anagram, an erratum.”

“They design me, they shape me.”

“I fascinate you.”

“It amazes you.”

“I am a dream, an ectoplasm, a lie, a pleonasm.”

“I remain unmoved through your spasms.”

“I don’t find my place in your fantasies.”

“Tears are slashing old wounds.”

“I have a heart that beats unsteadily.”

“My heart whispers.”

“My soul is cracking.”

“Under my armor, I’m cracking.”

>> Ah! Vous dirais-je maman

For the lines with brackets, please fill in the appropriate name.

“Ah, should I tell you, Mother?”

“What’s causing my torment?”

“Ever since I saw [ ---- ] look at me with such a tender air, my heart asks every single moment.”

“Can people live without a lover?”

“He blushes and unfortunately a sigh betrays his heart.”

“The cruel womanwith a motive takes advantage of his weakness.”

“Alas, Mother!”

“One foolish mistake will make him fall straight into herarms.”

>> Six pieds sous terre

“You’re infuriating me all the same.”

“You little bitch beneath your grandeur...”

“You’re good to live with the nuns.”

“Look at the face of your happiness.”

“You cheat by manipulating feelings.”

“But you’re only lying to yourself.”

“With your bigoted morals, you only get pleasure when you knit.”

“You’ve used so many mirrors.”

“You’re putting too much make-up on to even see yourself.”

“In your mirror, you’re nobody.”

“Just a reflection of a little cunt.”

“Time passes and before us is an impasse.”

“My fears encourage me to devour you with rage.”

“The walls are closing in.”

“I’m feeling just as guilty.”

“Why should we worry?”

“Tomorrow, our wars will fly in the air.”

“Our little wars will be buried six feet under.”

>> J'accuse mon père

“My mistakes, my pains, my reserves, my regrets--what were they for?”

“You don’t care, you revoke everything outright, you brush everything aside.”

“It’s my memory, my history, my past that you bury without regard.”

“Tomorrow, you’ll think: why did I not see the traps in this horrible little game?”

“I might be talking to deaf ears, but how can I keep silent?”

“In my shadow, the rubble of those dark days, you will find light.”

“If it’s those failings that make you understand, how can I keep silent?”

“The earth will rotate as people do, repeating the mistakes of our fathers.”

“The snake is dancing as we still bite on the same apple.”

“It dances as we get locked in the same mistakes as yesterday.”

“We have become undone by embracing our fathers.”

>> Tatoue-moi

For the line with brackets, feel free to replace it with any other body part or appropriate equivalent.

“Divine, candid, and libertine...”

“...Well, tonight I’m inviting myself to your bed.”

“Let the married couples sleep while we make love under the noses of these good people.”

“I’ll learn your language and your accent to understand you.”

“I’ll be frivolous and decadent to surprise you.”

“Lets go out, arm in arm, without fear of their vile arrogance.”

“Let’s visit the bourgeoisie, guzzle their wine, and tease their conscience.”

“Who cares about the laughter and glances at my flaws?”

“They’re my wealth, my banner, my land.”

“Let yourself fall into my arms.”

“Slip me under your sheets.”

“Let us drift beyond the limits.”

“Let us sing for the decorous the delights of indecency.”

“Tattoo me on your [ breasts ] with the tips of my lips.”

“I’ll make you enjoy it.”

“Tattoo me on your walls, this future to be composed.”

“I want to engrave all my lust onto your gildings.”

“I want to tattoo you lavishly.”

>> Je dors sur des roses

For the lines with brackets, feel free to choose one, some, or all of the choices.

“There’s too many nights when I think about the absence that waltzes in this ball.”

“Your silence is deafeningly painful.”

“I see traces of your face in the shadows.”

“Those melancholy memories assassinate me.”

“There’s too much noise for my mind.”

“It’s a strange dance happening in these bloodless dreams.”

“My memory is a well of suffering.”

“Above your forbidden body, my hung love is swinging.”

“I sleep on the roses that sign my cross.”

“The pain is necessary, but I dare not miss you in [ my nights, in the rain, in the joy, in the worst ] of my life.”

“The pain is necessary, but I dare not gently touch the things that will bloom without you.”

“Oh, my rose!”

“I miss you in [ my nights, in the rain, in the joy, in the worst ] of my life”

“I hate the roses as much as I hate my sobs.”

“Life is necessary.”

“I believe again in my deceased dreams.”

“I finally dare to want the fever that comes with the scent of roses.”

#starters #rp starter #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #gendered slurs -#for pretty much one song #bc it's a catfight #but hey that last song is totally marchen and/or elisabeth right

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shewhodoesnotexist · 7 years

Text

GenEx Letter

I’ll just leave this here...

Hello, dear Writer, I sincerely hope my requests do not look too discouraging to you! This letter is meant to help you, not to hinder you, so you don't need to follow my wants exactly – they are just general guidelines. I enjoy a number of things, surprise not excluded :)

If you want to clarify anything, feel free to message me on this blog! (Just remember to stay on anon ;))

General

What I like:

Exploration of a character's situation, motivations, relationships with other characters

Internal conflicts, conflicted loyalties, regrets directed towards another person

The power of love and friendship, but also how sometimes it's not enough

Tragic pasts ;)

Family drama, complicated relationships within family

But also how even so, it's important and leaves a lasting mark

So you see I gravitate more towards angst, but fluff is also fine, if it's substantial; preferable taste is bittersweet, I guess

Also fairy tale motifs

Formality, courtesy in personal relations, especially contrasted with strong feelings (applies mainly to nobility settings)

I like nobility/royalty settings, too

Canon filler, elaboration of minor incidents

AUs are fine, especially if it's canon divergence/what-if scenario; for full AUs, avoid High School AUs and most types of modern AUs unless you have a truly great idea

Kidfics are appreciated

In truth, I'm fine with most genres

Perhaps the most highly I value witty, ingenious comedy (can also be black), but that's hard to write (I can't), so don't pressure yourself to write anything funny because I said comedy; yet if you feel it will be genuinely great, go for it!

What I dislike:

Most of the things I dislike don't apply strictly to Gen fics, but just pro forma: sexual violence, incest, slash, overly sexual content

Mentions of abortion

Fics focusing on sexuality

Character bashing/demonisation

Sacrilegious/blasphemous content

Overly politicised content

Ummmm, I think that's all?

Fandom-specific:

1. The Silmarillion

The Gondolin royal family: I'm interested in Turgon – what kind of father was he, was kind of grandfather? I'd love to see his relationship with Idril after Elenwë's death, see him be a loving grandpa to little Eärendil, all against the overall dilemmas facing Gondolin. Also, Eärendil's relationship with his parents, especially as he grew up and they sailed away, the way he searches for them, at the expense of his own family.

Celebrimbor: you will recall what I said about conflicting loyalties and family drama – that exactly sums up Celebrimbor. I'd happily see both his relationships with his grandfather – how much does he remember, to what extent is he shaped by Fëanor's memory?, his uncles – do they stay in touch, what do they think of his actions regarding Curufin? but also the people of Nargothrond, especially after Celegorm and Curufin left. Also, in my headcanon he was friends with Finduilas.

Maglor&Elrond&Elros(&Maedhros): Their shared story is fascinating to me. How much did it cost them to learn to love each other? How did it happen? How much conflict did it create in each of them? How did it affect the boys' later years? Truly, anything about that.

2. Riddle-Master Trilogy

The relationships between Morgon and his siblings: as they grow up, as their parents die, as Morgon becomes involved in all the drama, goes missing, generally during the events of the books – the thoughts of Eliard and Tristan as they're dealing with what their brother does and becomes, Morgon's memories of home during his journeys.

The royal family of An is also welcome.

3. The Lord of the Rings

Rohan: relationships between Éomer and Éowyn growing up; as kids with their parents, with Théodred; how it all develops during the war and afterwards; how does Éowyn like Lothiriel? If applies, background Faramir/Éowyn will be appreciated.

(Here I need to note one thing: I love Éowyn's story, and to me the main and most beautiful part of it is her learning to appreciate life again after having sought death. I've seen people treat this character development as negative or sexist; please avoid this interpretation.)

Mithrellas&Gilmith: I am transfixed by the story of Mithrellas. Why did she leave her family? What did her children think? How did they remember her? We know so little.

Other: nothing to add, simply: the relationships.

4. Star Wars: The Force Awakens

In the last exchange I took part in, I received a story about Ben Solo's childhood. This time, I'm interested in the time during and after the movie: how does he feel about his parents, about Snoke, about Han's words about Snoke? What does he think Vader wants him to do, what are his options? What is his attitude towards Rey? (Again, it's Gen, but a touch of Reylo is always welcome.)

5. Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea

Tatsumiya bringing up Wadanohara in the absence of Meikai; her thoughts about the past and his legacy.

Also: how did Wadanohara pick up her new trio of familiars? Where did Fukami come from? How did they find out about Samekichi and how did it affect their relationships?

Happy writing!

#exchange letter

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cloudbattrolls · 7 years

Text

Recontre

Chimera || 2nd Timeline

They were made of music! You can’t imagine how that inspired me. I’d just given over my burden and -

“Get ahold of yourself. Go back.”

“That’s what we can’t do, Miru.”

“Try.”

“I suppose.”

Well, anyway. Trolls were wonderful, but far past the window where Miruka or I would interfere. Such an empire! Remarkable, given how many of their own they killed. I can’t say I was terribly fond of their system, but then again, I’m not one to talk.

So we parted ways after our affairs on Alternia. It was about time! Miru is terribly tiresome, and we spat something awful if we’re cooped up together on the same planet too long. We had some fun, though - when we weren’t busy with our trolls, we did the whole divinity shtick a bit. Someone made some lovely cave art of us.

I know we’re not supposed to leave records anymore, but look, I’m a trillion linear years old. Let me be vain.

Anyway, we left before we both got cranky and started rearranging the continuum at each other. Bad news all around when we do that, especially if anything’s alive in the nearest solar system.

So like the responsible denizens we are, we took off.

I still swear she copied the world I went to, though, just to be a sod.

Miruka || 2nd timeline

“Blah blah preservation. Blah blah traditions.”

“How gratingly simplistic.”

“Am I wrong, though.”

“No, I suppose.”

“Hey, stop stealing my lines.”

They were living harmonic resonances. Biological life existed in that universe as well - plenty of it - but it was the Polyphonic peoples who intrigued us far more. Neither of us had ever seen anything like them, and we have watched stars birth and die without much fuss.

I studied them, and what I found satisfied me beyond anything I could have hoped. Here was a race at the peak of achievement! Such power. Such organization. Their focus on consciousness was so similar to mine. Their system was perfect - raising species from single-celled forms to sentient networks, ensuring they became peaceful and enlightened, feeding on their sentience as necessary. Stable. Beautiful.

I was old now, even by the age of universes. We were both ancient beyond reckoning, so much that time loses much meaning at all when it is controllable with the flick of a thought. Still, we felt our years weighing us down.

We are immortal, Chimera and I, but even the immortal long for an end at some point.

“I guess we got what we wanted. Sort of.”

“This is not even the dignity of a proper end. We are trapped by our own machinations. By your foolish gambit.”

“Would you rather us dead and the entire timeline decayed, the backlash striking the polyphon and sarrandis? Our pawns did what they had to, and they saved more than they knew. Can you claim the same?”

“...peace, Chimera.”

Chimera || 2nd Timeline

It turned to war, as it always does when the two of us want the same prize.

We fought through encouraging ideologies in the host populations, through planting ideas and encouraging them to delicate scholarly debates...no good. The polyphon were always there to mop up any sort of disturbance I made, and even Miru grew frustrated by the fact that they didn’t seem to need her at all. She’s petty like that, what can I say. Insecurity issues a galaxy wide.

It’s not true what she says, though. I hadn’t severed my burden just to go make another bloodbath. I genuinely wanted to do it the right way this time.

I must have grown forgetful in my old age. There is never a right way. For all my power, all my experiences - there is no one answer to deal with living creatures and their civilizations. I can fix issues with a flick of my claws - that does not necessarily make me the right person to do so.

Yet I am who I am for a reason. Not using my abilities would be tantamount to allowing slavery and oppression to continue.

The polyphon thrived on it.

Beautiful, diverse creatures - I will admit, they were well-organized, highly rational. If my own species had been half as advanced...

Still, the polyphon existed to create food for themselves, glorified butchers playing a very long game. You could argue it wasn’t so bad. They stopped all conflict, didn’t they? They guarded their myriad host species from every kind of harm, unless the population had grown too successful and needed a culling, in which case they would raise a plague until they dropped to sustainable levels for the planet.

They shaped many of those planets, terraforming them to better support the rise of sentient life. Many lifeforms would not exist without the polyphon and their interventions.

I hated it. It reminded me too much of myself when I was younger.

There didn’t need to be a species making the same mistakes I had, dizzy from my new power and convinced I could do whatever I wanted.

Their music was beautiful and terrifying, their philosophies fascinating. Did you know view they time not as a construct, but as living force?

They were sound given solidity! Architecture of wavelengths hardened into life-mimicking forms! (In some cases, anyway. Some of them look nothing like any biological lifeform).

I loved them. I couldn’t tolerate their existence.

There is no greater folly than knowing what should be done, but casting it aside for love. That was me, thinking I’d found a workaround.

Unfortunately, I was right. Just not in the way I expected.

I persuaded some polyphon to perform inversions - to sour their notes, flipping the core of their beings upside down, ripping them from the song that enthralled all of their hierarchy, so they’d no longer be in sway to it. They could make their own choices now; they changed physically, becoming separate from their originators, if still alike in many ways. I named them sarrandis.

It worked a bit too well. When I told them to make the most of their freedom, some of them attacked the polyphon, who naturally retaliated.

Slowly, for both species perceive time on a scale where millennia are short units, it spiraled into many battles.

Perhaps I could have tried to stop them. I should have tried to stop them. But I was old and my powers weren’t what they used to be. I hoped that perhaps the sarrandis would decide to free their host races, or at least respect them as equals. That it would be worth it, eventually.

I should have known better when Miruka fought with the polyphon, forcing me into the war to level the field.

“You’re forgetting the part where you tried to assassinate me with a group of Sarrandis and destroyed several non-combative Polyphon to get to me.”

“Please, we’ve tried to kill each other so many times we could get infinite free sundaes with the attempts.”

“The collateral means nothing to you? I thought you were so moral.”

“Do you expect regret from me, Miruka? Neither of us are moral, for any given value of the word. We are terrible creatures, and I am as callous as you. Perhaps moreso. But should I ever stop trying to pretend that I can do good, there will be nothing left. All I have are dreams of righteousness, and they are bloody and false; still, they are mine.”

“Pretty words. Too bad they’re empty.”

“Forgive me for trying to be a better being than I am.”

“It’s far more fun to know you’ll never forgive yourself.”

Miruka || 2nd Timeline

We fought to a stalemate. The usual ending of our conflicts. This time it was to be the last. We were old and weary and longing for a release.

Neither of us wanted to die knowing the other had won the war. This was our hesitation, our drawing back from a mutual end.

We wound up in a time-lock, one of the very few things capable of holding beings of our power. We both enforced it on the other, trapping us there, locked in an eternal pause, forever poised immediately before the moment of our oblivions.

So it would have been, if both of us had not cheated.

Our souls were not entirely locked there, in that time and space. We each left something behind on Alternia.

When the reset came, the trolls were not the only ones who were saved.

“’Saved’ is a nice to way to put it. More like stuck.”

“Would you prefer to exist in unending ennui and regret? Shut up.”

“I don’t like pinning our hopes on a shoddy piecemeal of a lifeform. Call me paranoid.”

“It was YOUR idea.”

“I know! You should’ve stopped me.”

“We weren’t exactly high on options, and you cheated as is.”

“I cheat better than anyone.”

“I think the little blueblood could give you a run for money with that.”

“Don’t even talk to me about that. I regret the entire Dolcez line.”

“Whereas my Juzuxts are lovely, most recent specimen aside.”

“No, that one’s cute! So poofy. Plus, hey, wait a moment. You threw ten kinds of fits when Sazuud ran off!”

“I’ve forgiven her.”

“That’s RICH, considering what you DID.”

“You blithely brush off several murders, and pout at me for something nonlethal?”

“It was MEAN.”

“How is cold-blooded murder less mean?”

“I don’t make the rules.”

“Yes, we do.”

“I don’t think so, Miru. We’re as much players as the rest of them this time.”

“What a horrendous thought.”

“Give me a nickel, I’m full of them.”

“I’m not even going to attempt to dissect the absurdity of that statement.”

“Thank god. Maybe I can catch a nap.”

“...you do that.”

#Heaven of Ashes #though it heavily references the Ascendant Pawns #cloud writes #Chimera #Miruka #this is long as balls and Not Trolls but it was fun so SHRUG

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thefemaleexperience · 4 years

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answering one of those lists of questions we use to do back in 2010

if you could pierce somewhere other than your ears, where would it be? - I would like to have my nose pierced again

what are your feelings on bangs? - i love bangs and thye really suit me, though they do make me look about 8 years younger and i hate growing them out

what is your favorite blanket material? - cashmere

if you had to be sent up into space or into the depths of the ocean, where would you choose? - hm deep ocean because it really terrifies me are you afraid of death? why or why not? - no. I’m afraid of pain and terrible accidents, but the idea of actually being dead doesnt bother me what astrological sign do you think you should be? - taurus or gemini who is the worst person you have ever dated? - every one is a complex set of flaws and traits and their personality is built upon their experiences and everything that has ever happened to them, and remembering that reminds you that the way people act isnt about you personally and no-one is “bad” if you could remake one movie the way you think it should’ve been made, which movie would you choose? - The Hobbit what is a custom/activity/experience/etc from another culture that you wish would be in your culture? - last year I attended the final 2 weeks of a Yolngu (Aboriginal group from far north Australia) funeral, and the openness of grieving was really full on. it has really changed my relationship with grieving if you could choose where you were born, where would you want it to be? hm it wouldnt matter to me *where* i was born, but i wish i’d grown up somewhere where being bi.multi-lingual is the norm if someone told you they could tell you the truth about god/religion/higher powers/the universe/the meaning of life/what happens after death, would you want to know? I dont think there is a meaning to life, i dont think anything happens after death, I dont know if these are questions I have? but i guess yeah im too nosy to ever turn down the hot goss what is your favorite part of your nighttime routine? sleep doesn’t count. I use to drink this lovely lavender herbal tea every night and im just starting to drink it again what is your favorite form of exercise? I use to love running. i would run 10+ Kms on the treadmill every evening, but both my knees are fucked and i can barely jog anymore. so i guess just hiking / walking in nature

what is one current trend that you hate? cancel culture? idk. so many things annoy me...so i just dont surround myself with them. if theyre bringing other people joy who cares. what is a trend that died that you would bring back? perms what era of fashion do you wish to bring back? 90s “tomboy” style for young girls! i love flares and 70s flowy fashion too im big on period-drama costumes what is one movie or tv show that everyone loves that you hate? i dont like “gross” animation did you have a teacher growing up that helped you through a difficult time? who were they? A handful. My literature teacher Mrs. Campbell stand out think of a paper you have written sometime in your education. what was the topic? It’s all i do haha mostly about rethinking Aboriginal Studies and approaches to Indigenous education do you believe in universal healthcare? discuss. is that liek australia’s health care? like yes? when americans talk about how much a trip to the drs or a medical procedure cost that you would just die without????? what is one song that makes you feel like love is real? landslide - fleetwood mac what is one song that makes you feel like you’re dancing in a meadow with the sun shining on your skin? california - joni mitchell what is one song that makes you believe that things will get better? california - joni mitchell haha have you met any celebrities? if so, who? lots but whatever you’re being forced to move out of your country. you must choose another one to move to, and you may never leave it, even for vacation. what country do you choose? bonus points if you answer the city. most of my overseas trips have been fairly short holidays so i have no idea about the practicalities of lving in them / cost of living / laws etc. so this is hard but probably America, in either oregon or montana do you believe in the death penalty? discuss. no. what do you think happens after you die? your body returns to the worms. name someone you love. Geordie. name someone you like, but don’t necessarily love. Oliver. how many soulmates do you think a person has? more than 1 is love always worth it? discuss. love is good but we dont need romantic relationships to be fullfilled. love is everywhere pick up your phone. look at the text you sent closest to an hour ago. what was it? ”seems like a scam” do you believe in magical beings? discuss. no what time of the day do you feel most at peace with yourself? outdoors at 2pm what is an impulsive decision you have made that you don’t regret? to drive to Alice Springs when i was inbetween houses in 2018 if you were given the opportunity to completely start your life over from the beginning with everything prior and up until your birth remaining the same, would you? yeah. not because i regret things, it would jsut be fascinating to see the tiny miniscule things that would change things. i think about the tiny spur of the moment thigns i did when i was 12 that impacted friendships i would make and schools i would go to and how my life is still interconnected with people i met one time 15 years ago how do you feel about greek life in colleges? seems weird, culty and toxic. people say there are positives, but they dont seem to outweigh the bad in my eyes. but i dont think we really have that her in australia what is an aspect or event in history that you were obsessed with as a child? ancient egypt lol describe your ideal town to live in. I would love to move to Alice Springs. A commune is the dream what age are you scared to be? alternatively, what age were you most scared to be in the past? im truely so psyched to turn 30. do you have a secret you want to share? be as vague or specific as you want. get it out. if you want. I only have one big secret that no-body knows. do billionaires work harder than other people? discuss. fetch the guillitine what is your favorite hairstyle for yourself? i think my mid length hairstyle of 2017 was v nice. thats when my hair naturally curls the most what is your favorite memory from being 13 years old? dear god what is a movie that shaped who you were as a person at a young age? Into the wild lol which us state would you erase if you could? not from the US so this doesnt mean anthing to me lol what is a skill you theoretically want to learn but probably never will? to be a mechanic what is an obscure language you want to speak? it’s not “obscure” but i guess only a relative small number of people speak Yolngu Matha and i would like to be fluent what is a place you choose not to go to anymore? why? lmao i avoid the northland coles (supermarket) because a dude i dated shops there and i ran into him once after id decided i didnt want to see him anymore and it was cooked do you think you’re living a fake life/putting on a facade/lying to people about who you really are? why or why not? i perpetually feel like im waiting to live the lfie i want to what is the color that defines your life? burnt orange you have the opportunity to go to an exclusive celebrity event. which one is it? (award shows, premieres, parties, etc) i cant think of one? you can bring back one person from the dead, but you must choose someone to die in their place. who are the two people you are choosing? I would bring back Andrea Dworkin i dont know who i would kill off instead. what is your favorite fun fact that people don’t really know? idk if people dont know this but i guess it might be australia specifc But dingoes have special jointed wrists that are way different to dogs, and they can hold things, climb and open doors. pick up the nearest reading material to you (book/magazine/paper/etc). what is the first line of that reading material? lmao HOMER / The Odyssey is on my bedside table but im nto moving if you had to choose a sport to play professionally, which one would you choose? soccer? what do you do to unwind/cool down when you’re upset? a hot hot hot bath by candle light listening to neil young what is the color scheme of your favorite sunrise or sunset? pink purple what is a beauty product you swear by? i dont wear make up but i guess eyebrow gel is cool how do you feel about plastic surgery? discuss. i hate our culture of uncritical support for it. i think the prominence of it is relly cooked. i hate that people treat it like minor / low risk when its very serious. if you could get plastic surgery, would you? what would you change? a breast reduction cotton balls or cotton rounds? ??? what is your favorite animal product? i dont know what this means lol if you had to attend school in another country, which country would you choose? France? what will be/was the color scheme of your wedding? marriage is bad but i guess native australian flora is there something you have a really strong opinion about for basically no reason? what is it? i have basically no opinion on everything who is a person you would fight to the death for under any circumstances? no-one what would you do if you were in the hunger games? be honest. terrible? what time do you think everyone should wake up? getting into your circadian rhythm is so goooooood what is your favorite type of nut? if you’re allergic to nuts, sorry. hmm im obsessed with peanut butter but i dont really care for peanuts. i love brazel nuts what is your favorite part of your hometown? . . . uh the meth or the class gap or the conservative rural values / politics or ??? you must get rid of one of your electronic items. you have no choice. which one do you sacrifice? phone what is the first memory you have of oppression/discrimination? it doesn’t have to be about yourself. being like pre-school aged and being aware of my black cousins being spereated from their parents name 3 books you were forced to read in school. DH Lawrence novellas, which i loved No Sugar, everyone should read this The crucible, urhg so good how do you keep track of events/deadlines? calendar? agenda? your brain? having like 20 planners what is the first book that made you cry that comes to mind? i dont remember crying in a book if you had to give a seminar about something, what would it be about? abortion laws and access in rural australia how do you feel about your mother? she is good and complicated and intelligent and funny is makeup an art form? discuss. no what kind of videos do you primarily watch on youtube? ill just list my most viewed channels Daisy Lola Sarah Therese Unnatural Vegan what is the scent of your deodorant? i dont wear deoderant at what age do you hope you die? whenever

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reviewape-blog · 5 years

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RMAX Primal Stress

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Insufficient sleep, poor nutrition, inadequate hydration, and most relevant to this message, lack of mobility, are not individually the problem, but merely contributors. They are each stressors, which accumulate. Like a tsunami, once stress crests over a particular threshold, it floods devastation throughout our lives. This flood metaphor held great insight for me. Unlike others in the birthing field of stress physiology, I didn’t ask how to build higher levees to protect against the swollen waters. I asked, how we recover when our levees break and are overrun. Where others sought to become tougher (able to resist higher floods), I sought to become more resilient (able to recover when the levees broke no matter how high or strongly we build them). And this became my research filter for one simple reason… Unless we know how to recover from failure, we cannot resist it. We cannot become tougher, until we become more resilient. Like a tree, the depth of our resilient roots determines the strength of our tough trunk and limbs. To stay with the flood metaphor, if we do not know our emergency plan for recovering from our levees breaking and devastating the town, then we cannot effectively build levees to properly protect us. “Fall down seven times. Get up eight.” Martial art gave me a unique opportunity to observe high stress within a controlled and timed crucible. Unlike the chaos of emotional and psychological violence where you may inadvertently become stronger from the experience, martial arts intentionally aim to develop the virtues of resilience and toughness. You learn how to bounce back when you make errors, when you get surprised, or when you do not succeed immediately. Errors, surprise and failure are guarantees, so when they happened, I was given an opportunity to observe a predictable pattern arise. As a national coach and international competitor, I noticed that whenever a fighter would reach their threshold, the stress they were experiencing throughout their lives caused them to be over-whelmed. This event would elicit very specific behaviors: common denominators which coalesced into a method I observed throughout my career. Teaching tactical fitness for the federal government, I noticed the phenomenon from the opposite end of the spectrum: even these veteran trainers were not able to “enter” drills due to common aches, pains and injuries. The pattern emerged: these impediments to their health and performance were adaptations from the stresses of their job. They had become “stress-shaped.”The #1 killer in their world was neither bullets nor knives, but stress-related heart disease. Excessive stress cannibalizes our bodies, erodes our minds, and literally breaks our hearts. Providing these agents with solutions to their occupational stress was not merely changing lives. It was potentially saving them. For the past twenty years, I’ve kept my head down working with government agencies, military outfits, air and marine offices, fire rescue departments, and of course my own discipline of martial arts. The revelations they provided galvanized me to look at the health statistics outside of the tactical community. You can imagine my shock when I learned that the #1 killer in the world outside of the high-stress world of tactical response was also stress-related heart disease. So, looking back through my archives, and studying new subjects, I observed the same set of predictable behavioral patterns when beset by excessive stress: the same common aches, pains and injuries (as well as the same set of stress-induced attitudes.) Implementing my discoveries with the general public, across a broad demographic sample, I found identical relief and empowered physical potential in each of them.Stress affects us all in the same unless we become aware of: 1. the genetically encoded mechanisms to Revive our relaxed readiness from the reflexes stress induces, 2. the powerful biomechanics that give us our optimal strength and condition to Survive stress, and 3. the unique neurological elegance that causes us to Thrive under positive stress, like no other creature on the planet. Primal Stress represents the culmination of the above lifetime of experiences, study, research and development.” Scott Sonnon, World Champion, Master of Sport, USA National Team Coach, Fitness Consultant for Federal Government Agencies www.rmaxinternational.comwww.flowcoach.tv * The above is a symbolic depiction of the product’s content. For illustration purposes only. The complete product’s content comes in a digital/downloadable format. ** iPhone and Audio player are not included. *** PLEASE NOTE *** >>> YOUR BROWSER COOKIES MUST BE ENABLED >> YOUR BROWSER COOKIES MUST BE ENABLED

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redefinethegrind · 6 years

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What is true love?

I have found another person in this life with whom I can share everything. I can be truly open with her. She knows everything about me. There are no secrets anymore. I have exposed every inch of my mind to her, good, bad, beautiful, or disgusting. I felt that it was important to share every nuance with her as I got to know her. The desire to let her see the real me was intense and burning. True love takes all of this in and accepts it for what it is. True love does not ask me to atone for my past sins or to change my core values. True love is accepting and loves regardless of my faults.

I have become fascinated with a girl who entered my life unexpectedly. We were both married when I met her. I was married to a woman I loved very much, but with the new girl there was definitely something different. With my ex-wife, I had love, I had deep friendship and companionship, but I lacked the feeling of ultimate comfort and acceptance. I felt that we were unable to connect on that very deep romantic level. My soul yearned for that intimacy and I didn’t even know it. I’m sure hers did too. When we both realized that parts of our hearts were still empty after 16 years we went our separate ways. I chose to end my marriage because of that and because of my past actions. I was not always a good husband, in fact there were times when I was outright terrible.

Depression had taken away my will to have a deep connection. I spent every waking hour with my ex-wife outside of work, and I still had my doubts of our relationship at times. That is hard to admit and sounds cruel. On the surface everything was perfect. Underneath I still longed for someone to connect with. My mind was always on the deepest questions of life. Why are we here? what did we come from? Who is God? What is love? I could not engage her in my deep discussions very often. Her mind was on her interests. Honestly, I went on to find that many of her interests were also of value to me, but it was too late. It was after years of me disappointing her and dragging her through the mud. She was a good person. She was a good wife. She was the best nurse I have ever seen… and at the risk of sounding arrogant or outright selfish, something was still missing.

I found that something in my dream girl. A girl who I had dreamt about before meeting her. This sounds completely fabricated, but I can assure you it isn’t. I met her by chance and it was strictly business when she entered my clinic as a lost patient. She opened her heart to me and we worked on her problems together. The more we chatted the more we realized just what all we had in common. Without her telling me I could sense that we were both wayward souls wondering through this universe hurt, confused, and essentially alone. That sounds harsh because we were both married, but I knew from the beginning that our marriages weren’t giving either of us what we were seeking.

I gathered the courage to discuss that touchy subject with my dream girl. It was at first awkward and full of angst that I poured out my true feelings. I had to stop caring for her professionally because it was the ethical thing to do. I did not want to abandon her. I struggled with those feelings of guilt. I felt that severing our professional relationship might cause her pain, but I knew that I wanted something so much deeper than a professional relationship. I wanted to share my life with this person. I wanted to get to know her intimately, every inch of her mind and body.

Ultimately, she confessed her love for me as well. We were both having the same feelings. Fate had brought us together. It meant too much to ignore. My mind was obsessed, and my heart was on fire. I looked her in the eye as I sat in the hallway of a mental institution. She had come to visit me after I had a panic attack and nearly fractured from reality. She was visiting with my wife and sister. I locked eyes with her. We had done that so many times before and could communicate a lifetime worth of words with a single gaze. I muttered “I love you” despite the fact that we weren’t alone. It was inappropriate for the setting. It was unadulterated. It shook her to her very core. She had never felt true love before. That was true love.

Both dream girl and myself left our marriages. We quickly moved in together. I wanted to offer her a sanctuary and give her room to grow. I wanted to spend my days showing her what true love was. Unfortunately, my plans didn’t fall into place without an extreme amount of resistance. In the process of losing my mind and going to the psychiatric ward I also lost my professional life which meant I lost my income. I was entering financial peril and I had promised this beautiful person that I would support her. I was unable to live up to my promise. My mind began to shake with terror. I again became anxious. I became depressed. I became suicidal. I gave up.

Ultimately, I tried to drink myself to death. I was consuming huge quantities of vodka in order to stay asleep for days on end. It was dream girl and my sister who came to my rescue and shook me off of my coffin shaped couch. I hurt them both in the process. I checked out and gave up on them while they stood by me. Their hero was reduced to a useless pile of flesh at his own hands. I felt great shame. As I sat up I vowed to never fall into that despair again. What dream girl did in staying by my side, despite the fact that I verbally, emotionally, physically, and mentally hurt her… that was true love. She loved me even if I was a monster for a time.

That is how I know what true love is. It is undying. It is forgiving. It is everlasting. I will always love my ex-wife and I truly do regret hurting her, but I can truly say that I now I have something deeper that is ultimately better for me. I don’t mean to sound selfish or to take away from anything, it is just how I really feel. True love saved me, captivated me, and gave me inspiration where nothing else could. True love came through when I really needed it.

For those in my life who can’t understand my decisions or actions, I am truly sorry. I have not acted to intentionally hurt anyone or as a selfish monster. I found a person who I believe truly needs me and I feel that I truly need her. It is a reciprocating, fulfilling, and mature type of love that I never knew existed. It isn’t always easy. It isn’t straight forward. It isn’t painless. I am incredibly vulnerable and open with this girl. I have to be to grow with her. I am nervous at times, but I offer my vulnerability as a way to learn and grow. With great risk comes great reward. I am not co-dependent, but I do feel that I really need this girl in order to achieve my goals. My main goal is to grow deeper with her.

I want to explore our relationship with my remaining days. I want to get to know every little nuance that makes up dream girl. I want to thumb through the pages of her beautiful mind. I want her to feel the ultimate level of comfort and ease with me. I want her to be as open and vulnerable as I am. I want to know that she truly trusts me, depends on me, loves me, and needs me. I don’t say that to be selfish, but I do want those things.

I want to feel needed and appreciated. I want to know that someone is so head over heels for me that the thought of me leaving means they would have a deep void in their heart. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be needed. I have never felt that way in my life. I always just assumed that I was a pawn and an unnecessary player on this sick chess board. Now I want more. I want to matter. It gives me a sense of pride and comfort. I used to think that I could never have my heart broken. I used to think that I wouldn’t care if the world simply forgot about me. I still feel that way for every person in this world other than one. That one is my dream girl.

I want my dream girl to love me just as much as I love her. To depend on me the way I depend on her. To be my other half. To be my everything and I to be hers. I want us to close our eyes and dance to our own soundtrack in this life. I want to perceive the beauty of this world with her and to explore the deepest regions or consciousness, life, love, sexuality, and emotion with her. Everything else in this world could disappear and I know as long as I have my dream girl in my arms I will still be able to smile. I hope that she feels that way about me as well. I want to share that wonderful feeling that is true love.

True love is selfish selflessness. To have the courage to admit that I need someone else. To have the nerve to honestly say I am dependent on someone else for my well-being. It isn’t co-dependence. It is deeper than that. It is true love. I know if she disappears I will continue on living, but life will feel empty without her. That is how I know I have the one that I need. I have never felt this way before. That is true love. I know that my days without dream girl would be defined by an obvious and painful void. That is true love.

I also know that when I look into her eyes and kiss her tender lips I feel a sense of tranquility, comfort, security, and solace like nothing I have ever known. When I wrap my arms around her I no longer feel the weight of the world. Nothing else matters but that moment. That is true love. I explore her soft skin with my fingertips and gently wipe her hair away from her gorgeous eyes. I feel her cheeks and for a moment don’t even believe that she could really exist. I am skeptical that such a perfect person could truly be right there with me, but every time I open my eyes she remains.

When my dream girl hurts I hurt. When my dream girl smiles I smile. That is true love. The level of empathy I feel with her is foreign to me and can be outright exhausting. I have never known that I could connect so deep with someone, yet I want to go deeper and deeper. I touch my forehead to hers and gingerly caress the back of her head. I can feel our breaths synchronizing as we passionately make love. That moment our connection is all that matters. The rest of the world is gone. I am not ashamed that I am overweight, I don’t think about my weirdness or how I have let others down, I am simply in heaven in that moment. She makes me feel appreciated, loved, and wanted. I have never experienced that before. I must admit selfishly that I love it.

I want more of it. I want to forever be what my dream girl craves. I will do anything for her and will live out the rest of my days in true joy if I can just have her at my side.

#true love #love #life #happiness #reality #living #joy #mirth #passion

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