The Saphrax Protocol
Part 1
Phantom Limb: Theophanes the Confessor tells us of the Foederati, the elite fighting force of barbarian mercenaries. From their ranks came Saphrax Tervingian -- the first man to turn a grudge into a career.
Red Mantle: As Council Elder --
Dragoon: Oh, by like a year.
Red Mantle: You, stop it. I welcome all of you to this ancient ritual, the story of Saphrax.
All: The first villain.
Red Mantle: And his loyal comrade, Altheaeus.
All: The first henchman.
Red Mantle: Let Saphrax step into the light and declare his deeds.
The Monarch: I, The Monarch, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Villain. I am without fear. I am Saphrax.
Red Mantle: Let us begin the journey of Saphrax -- the first trial.
Dr. Z enters pushing a cart with a small hollow log on it.
Red Mantle: When Saphrax was a boy, he lost his favorite stone in the Log Of The Beast. You must find his stone.
Dr. Z: Yet the beast sleeps inside. Disturb the beast, and his wrath will be quick!
The Monarch: Put -- Put my hand in there?
Dr. Z: And retrieve the stone.
The Monarch: Really? This isn't, like, a thing, like, where I just spin the cart and the stone shoots out and you're all impressed with my cleverness?
Red Mantle: You're not Matthew Broderick. Just put your hand in there!
Dramatic music plays.
The Monarch: Ach. It's really mushy.
All: The beast!
Dr. Z: He lives in his waste. His log has never been cleaned. Do you have what it takes to find the stone?!
The Monarch: Chill out! I'm trying not to get bit!
Dr. Z: Wha-- The beast doesn't bite. What, do you think we'd have a vicious animal up here in space?
The Monarch: He doesn't bite? What-- What was all that talk about his wrath?
Red Mantle: You're touching poop! It's pretty gruesome. I wouldn't do it.
Part 2
Red Mantle: Saphrax, heavy with goat and burdened with terrible chicken, came to the bridge and was stopped by the keeper.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
The Monarch: I, Saphrax, wish to cross.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: What is your business on the other side?
Red Mantle: Young Saphrax, still angry from taking the awful advice from the magic chicken, was impetuous, and answered...
The Monarch: There, on the other side, your mother waits to willingly fornicate.
All: Oh, no, he didn't!
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: You shall not pass.
Red Mantle: Then, from the wood, came Altheaeus.
All: The first Henchman.
Red Mantle: And he did aid Saphrax.
Henchman 21: Bridge keeper, behind you stands my troops, 100 strong and thirsty for bridge-keeper blood.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Really? I shall look behind.
Henchman 21: I have made you look.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Hunh! I have been deceived expertly!
All: Altheaeus, the father of "made you look."
Red Mantle: Let Altheaeus step into the light and declare his deeds.
Henchman 21: I, Henchman 21, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Henchman. I am without fear. I am Altheaeus.
Phantom Limb: Altheaeus, you have performed beyond that of a mere henchman. You have earned the station of Villain.
Henchman 21: Wait, what? T-This wasn't in my script. Like, me, or my character? Me?
Phantom Limb: You, Henchman 21, have earned the title of a Level 4 Super Villain.
The Monarch: What the fuck? This was my party!
Part 3
Red Mantle: With the taste of love still on his breath, Saphrax made his way to the throne of Emperor Flavius and unsheathed his sword.
The Monarch: Rise, Flavius, and meet your doom. It is I, Saphrax, your sworn enemy. I have bed your wife twice and now leave her to you, soaked in my seed.
All: Saphrax, the father of players.
Dr. Z: Wait! Use my sword, Mr. Monarch.
The Monarch: This isn't wood. This is a real sword.
Red Mantle: Yes. And that is your real sworn enemy. (to Dragoon) You begged me for a line and --
Dragoon: Yes. Yes, of course. Mr. Monarch, here in this ritual space -- that is in space -- anything can happen.
Muffled shouting from Dr. Venture.
Dr. Z: We all know the choice that Saphrax made. But what is your choice?
The Monarch: So... I can just like kill him?
Dr. Venture: (muffled) No. No. No. No.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: We will cover it up, and you'll get away scot-free. Your grudge will be settled, and you'll be free to do... whatever.
Red Mantle: We shall leave you two alone. What you say is yours. What you do is yours. What you decide is yours.
Muffled shouting from Dr. Venture.
Part 4
Red Mantle: Your sword is without blood. Emperor Flavius lives?
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah. He's-- He's still--
Red Mantle: Saphrax has decided to carry his grudge without the help of Altheaeus?
The Monarch: (Sighs) You know what I've decided?
The Monarch drops the sword. It clatters on the ground.
The Monarch: That you guys are fucking dicks. I come here to get my Level Ten, and and you give my henchman Villain status and give me the opportunity to kill my sworn enemy? It's a total mindfuck!
Red Mantle: This is the way of our guild, Mr. Monarch. We must hear your decision. Step into the light, Altheaeus.
The Monarch: Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Sure, let 21 be a villain. I-I'm done. What, you think I can do this shit alone? I'm too old to start again. And now that you guys have my wife and -- and my best friend and -- No! Fuck it! Fuck it, and fuck you! Guild wins. Monarch out.
Henchman 21: You know what? Me, too. I don't want to have to be a villain without him. I don't have that kind of Saphrax grudge. I just want to help my best friend with his hate. Fuck you guys. Monarch crew. Hench for life.
Red Mantle: Good! Good. You have completed the final trial.
Phantom Limb: Saphrax spared the life of Emperor Flavius and swore a blood allegiance to Altheaeus as you have done here tonight.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Sweetie, it was a test, and you passed.
The Monarch: So -- So I'm a Level Ten?
Phantom Limb: You and your Henchman--
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Number 2.
Phantom Limb: ...rightfully are Level Ten Villains with all benefits that title is heir to. Congratulations.
All: All hail Saphrax and Altheaeus!
Ward: All hail! Yeah! All hail Saphrax! Congratu-- Look, I don't want to mess up the after party, but we need to get Doctor Venture back.
Watch: I gotta say it. I-I can't hold it in.
Ward: Dude, not the right time.
Watch: I have to! It's just too good!
Part 5
The Monarch: (yelling) Are you kidding me?!
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