I hate the lack of queer-platonic fics of Alastor so here you go

Warnings: Mentions/hints of cannibalism. It's Alastor.

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Today was pleasant, warm with a cool breeze, an open-the-windows type of day. The sky over the pride ring is darkening, hinting at the impending fall of night, and the hotel is calm and quiet. You’d just been exiting the lobby when you felt a hand on your shoulder, causing you to flinch. You whirl around, only to be met with a smugly grinning Alastor. He’d always been one to invade personal space without warning, and his footsteps were silent, something you’re still getting used to. He pulls you from your thoughts with a clearing of his throat as he reaches with his free hand to adjust his monocle. 

You feel a small smile spread across your face as you look up at him. “Hey, I was just looking for you.” You move to place your hand over his on your shoulder, reveling in the weight of it. 

“What for?” He replies, his smug grin softening slightly at the small gesture of affection.

“I was wondering if you’d like to go on a store run with me,” you reply, your hand dropping back to your side as you feel him pull away from your shoulder.

"It's not as fun when I go alone."

“Very well, I shall accompany you. How could I refuse such a wonderful invitation?” He speaks, his smile widening when you reach to interlock your fingers with his. You move to the doors of the hotel, and he follows you closely. A warm feeling of comfort seeps into his chest, making him feel almost sick from the sweetness of it all. As you make your way down the sidewalk, you fall into a comfortable silence, though it’s soon interrupted when you open your mouth.

“Do you like any sweets?” You question, “I know you’re not really a fan of them, but I’m curious.”

“I detest sweets, my dear.” He speaks without hesitation, “Though there is one that I enjoy.”

An almost wicked smile creeps onto his face as he watches your expression change to confusion and interest.

“Oh…?” You look up at him, your eyes briefly meeting his, though it’s hard to keep eye contact with someone who towers over you regardless of your height. Not to mention the creeping knowledge in the back of your mind that he could snap you in half, but he simply won’t. You can’t help but wonder why that is.

“It’s you. The most enticing thing I’ve ever known—why, I could eat you alive.” 

You suddenly notice the mischievous twinkle in his eye and the glint of his sharp teeth in the streetlights. Despite how afraid you should be, you laugh and shake your head. 

“You know what I meant.” You scoff playfully, and his hand tightens around yours. 

“I meant it, darling.” He teases, and you roll your eyes.

“What am I, strawberry-flavored?”

“Much sweeter, I’d say.” He speaks, his tone as suave as ever: “More like a sweet, smooth caramel.”

Alastor is visibly enjoying this banter, his confidence shining through.

You can’t help but let out a small laugh at his response, “Right, because you’d be strawberry, I think.” 

You turn a corner and enter the automatic sliding doors of the drugstore. How literal everything is in hell is hilarious, and you chuckle to yourself at the Vox brand of cocaine on one of the end-caps.

“Or... maybe strawberries and cream. Or a shortcake?” You continue, pondering what Alastor’s hypothetical flavor would be a bit more than you had ever thought you would.

“I think I prefer the idea of being maple-flavored if I have to be sweet.” He follows you, watching you browse the shelves.

“Though strawberry is not a bad choice either.”

“Maple makes sense.” You shrug, reaching down to pick your snacks of choice from the lower shelf. 

“Did you want anything?” You offer, turning to look up at him, to which he shakes his head.

“I’m just enjoying being alongside you, darling.” He admits watching your every move, almost as if he were a predator and you were prey. He would never eat you, he thinks. Sweetness is not something he’s fond of, and you’re much too sweet for him. He’d much sooner grab you and squeeze the life out of you, hold you tight, and keep you close. He shakes his head to keep his thoughts in check, chuckling at his audacity to even think of eating you.

“You’re sweet.” Your response breaks him out of his thoughts, and you squeeze his hand before letting go to scan and pay at the self-checkout.

“Why, thank you,” He says, doing a small yet dramatic bow, “Though I do believe you must be sweeter to provoke such feelings in me.” Alastor teases, watching you move. You hum a show tune, a small smile gracing your features as you gather your items and turn to face your partner, taking his hand. You exit the store together and make your way back to the hotel, and he brings your interlocked hands to his lips, planting a gentle kiss on the back of your hand.

“Did you want to stay with me a bit longer? We can... listen to the radio?” You offer, looking up with a bit of hopefulness in your eyes as you stand just before the entrance to the hotel.

“How kind of you to make such a wonderful suggestion.” Alastor replies, “I would very much like to spend more time with you, my dear.” 

You feel yourself grinning at the pet name and attempt to fight back the widening smile. You nod and squeeze his hand, entering the hotel and wandering through the lobby, brushing past the hotel staff. You wave at Husk, who gives a curt nod, and offer a soft, ‘Hello!’ to Charlie. Alastor follows your lead, eyes trained fondly on your grin, something Angel Dust will absolutely tease him about later. You finally enter your room after venturing the winding hallways, unlocking the door, and opening it for him, following behind. You shut the door with a soft click and bending down to pet your cat.

“I still can’t believe you don’t like cats.” You tease.

“You’re still trying to convince me to become a cat lover, are you?” He replies with a feigned scoff, watching as you stoop down to pet the feline.

You scoop the cat up, “Look at his face; how could you not love him?” you say, looking over the feline's head at Alastor.

“Love it as a pet. Not food.” You add, noting the gleam in his eye. He chuckles at your warning, knowing he would never eat something so near and dear to your heart.

“Fine, fine. I shall restrain myself; I know you care for it.” He replies, keeping his eyes locked on the animal. You let the cat down, watching as it scampers under the bed when Alastor moves towards you. You release his hand and approach your desk, setting the bag down on the dresser and rifling through it for the snacks you bought. You choose one and move across the room to plop down cross-legged on your bed, reaching for your nightstand to turn on your small box radio. Alastor sits next to you, letting the two of you fall into a comfortable silence as you enjoy your snack and one another's presence. He scoots closer, sitting shoulder to shoulder with you, and the pressure of his body against yours is soothing. It's nice being with him, having someone you can be vulnerable with, and having a relationship with no romantic strings attached. Just two people expressing love for one another, romantic or not. The breeze wafts through the open window, blowing the curtains slightly and giving the room cool, fresh air. The nighttime sounds of the city below mingle with the soft tune of the radio and Alastor's steady breathing, and you find yourself finally at peace despite all the horrors of living in hell.

Some Alastor takes that I wanna share and that I feel like are unpopular/controversial.

Alastor and shipping with him being aroace

Yes. Alastor is ace. And possibly aro/ace as ace (at-least to the general population) and aro are typically tied together in the general understanding.

Yes aro people can be in queer platonic relationships.

But I hate it when people ship Alastor at all in anything more than one sided. QPR in shipping almost always feels like “nooo it’s not romance, it’s a QPR 🥺🥺🥺” or whatever. Like actually what the fuck do you gain from taking a character who shows absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship like that and putting him in one. And don’t give me the “exploring relationships” excuse because like, it doesn’t have to be romantic for a relationship to be explored.

Let’s take a fun crack idea I have in my head. Alastor, Husk, and Angel. After Husk and Angel start officially dating, Al suddenly “wants” to spend more time with the bar cat. Not out of any desire to actually be with him, just because it makes both of them mad and there’s nothing they can do to stop him.

OR JUST HUSK AND ALASTOR GENERALLY. Like there’s so many dynamics you can explore WITHOUT it being romantic.

Now all of this could come from my interpretation and that I don’t see him in a QPR relationship, but it does genuinely make me mad. Like the one (of the very few) times we get rep you go and do whatever shipping and shit.

Now if you REALLY MUST have him in a relationship, take it as a power dynamic. Alastor knowing someone likes him, he of course has no interest in this person. But you know what he can do? String them along. Use their feelings against them. The power that comes with being in a one sided relationship. Knowing the other person so desperately craves your love and giving it to them only when it benefits you. I could get behind that.

𝒜𝔩𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯 ; Cannibalism and allegories.

Al's sexuality is very funny to me because yeah I'm a horror writer of course its impossible for me not to use cannibalism as a twisted allegory for love / desire so we're here with this "I Love Women. I Eat Men. I Fuck Nothing." Shit and I've mentioned before that as far as sexuality goes, people have a very hard time figuring Alastor out and the man really doesn't help anyone, not one little bit ! He has no concept of the ace spectrum so he wouldn't know to relate himself to anything on it which means HE largely thinks he's straight because he defiantly "preforms" romance with women, but still keeps people confused because they stay hanging as regardless most things beyond the courtship stage develop to friendship with him rather than an actual relationship. Read; Queer-platonic relationships but the problem here being Alastor nor anyone he's in such a relationship with have the ability to actually identify it as that so they sit in this weird really good friends, maybe lovers, but suck on the will we/wont we "go further" stage. So Alastor has a ton of "girlfriends" but I'm pretty sure none of them really know what they are to him or how to categorize him, because he's certainly not a 'gay bestie', but then there feels to be more there (mutually) than "straight guy friend", but then you have the fact he has no desire to eat women and according to him only eats men and thats the only kind of lust Alastor claims he feels and he's really happy, if not over-eager to embrace this.

As far as men go its not really uncommon for them to mistake him as gay, bro is out here prancing around and limp wristing it like its no ones business and apparently Alastor's self aware enough to make unsettling jokes that allude to him being bisexual or gay but are actually wholly in reference to his horrible habit of eating dudes (And by preference, only dudes) but again, he'd consider himself "straight" if he had to label himself. Because, also mentioned in an older post, he does have this concept of the fact he just hasn't found the right girl yet and being in hell has kinda removed this idea he had in life that this was something important but obviously rather than giving him freedom in the sense of sexual liberty, he just doesn't feel like he needs to have serious intentions with women anymore, romancing them is something he can easily do with no obligation for anything serious or to even take the relationship to a sexual level, like he's truly just playing all the time. Like I imagine Al has a lot of broken and confused hearts behind him because of this but no one is particularly scorned because he's also always treated everyone so "well" and again the idea of "what even are we" in the first place. And again back to the lust being for men only but uh also being inseparable to the cannibalism which leads one to wonder is Al a very deeply closted gay/bi man ? Did the attitudes of his time period and thus possible social/emotional/mental trauma cause things to be so twisted for him ? The answer is likely yes as I have concepts that younger/human Alastor prrrobably had an idea he might not be "straight" in the usual way everyone else around him seemed to be, and maaybe tried to find out only to perhaps have a bad experience that compounded his existing issues along the lines of his existing contempt for men and his very neurotic need to project a constant aura of power/dominance/superiority ( Something he really doesn't feel near as much of a need to project around women ) and again, ties hard to the cannibalism in a whole different way. Plus we have the concept of Alastor being kind of vain and just finding that no one really measures up to his level of expectation - I just don't know if he really knows what the expectation is because of all this convoluted neurotic shit - if he found someone who met his standard what would he even do ? Embrace it and get normal or, more likely, just move the goal post, so yeah, hes a dandy aspec feminist that's so much easier to say than unpacking any of that.

Cannibalism and allegories.

Al's sexuality is very funny to me because yeah I'm a horror writer of course its impossible for me not to use cannibalism as a twisted allegory for love / desire so we're here with this "I Love Women. I Eat Men. I Fuck Nothing." Shit and I've mentioned before that as far as sexuality goes, people have a very hard time figuring Alastor out and the man really doesn't help anyone, not one little bit ! He has no concept of the ace spectrum so he wouldn't know to relate himself to anything on it which means HE largely thinks he's straight because he defiantly "preforms" romance with women, but still keeps people confused because they stay hanging as regardless most things beyond the courtship stage develop to friendship with him rather than an actual relationship. Read; Queer-platonic relationships but the problem here being Alastor nor anyone he's in such a relationship with have the ability to actually identify it as that so they sit in this weird really good friends, maybe lovers, but suck on the will we/wont we "go further" stage. So Alastor has a ton of "girlfriends" but I'm pretty sure none of them really know what they are to him or how to categorize him, because he's certainly not a 'gay bestie', but then there feels to be more there (mutually) than "straight guy friend", but then you have the fact he has no desire to eat women and according to him only eats men and thats the only kind of lust Alastor claims he feels and he's really happy, if not over-eager to embrace this.

As far as men go its not really uncommon for them to mistake him as gay, bro is out here prancing around and limp wristing it like its no ones business and apparently Alastor's self aware enough to make unsettling jokes that allude to him being bisexual or gay but are actually wholly in reference to his horrible habit of eating dudes (And by preference, only dudes) but again, he'd consider himself "straight" if he had to label himself. Because, also mentioned in an older post, he does have this concept of the fact he just hasn't found the right girl yet and being in hell has kinda removed this idea he had in life that this was something important but obviously rather than giving him freedom in the sense of sexual liberty, he just doesn't feel like he needs to have serious intentions with women anymore, romancing them is something he can easily do with no obligation for anything serious or to even take the relationship to a sexual level, like he's truly just playing all the time. Like I imagine Al has a lot of broken and confused hearts behind him because of this but no one is particularly scorned because he's also always treated everyone so "well" and again the idea of "what even are we" in the first place. And again back to the lust being for men only but uh also being inseparable to the cannibalism which leads one to wonder is Al a very deeply closted gay/bi man ? Did the attitudes of his time period and thus possible social/emotional/mental trauma cause things to be so twisted for him ? The answer is likely yes as I have concepts that younger/human Alastor prrrobably had an idea he might not be "straight" in the usual way everyone else around him seemed to be, and maaybe tried to find out only to perhaps have a bad experience that compounded his existing issues along the lines of his existing contempt for men and his very neurotic need to project a constant aura of power/dominance/superiority ( Something he really doesn't feel near as much of a need to project around women ) and again, ties hard to the cannibalism in a whole different way. Plus we have the concept of Alastor being kind of vain and just finding that no one really measures up to his level of expectation - I just don't know if he really knows what the expectation is because of all this convoluted neurotic shit - if he found someone who met his standard what would he even do ? Embrace it and get normal or, more likely, just move the goal post, so yeah, hes a dandy aspec feminist that's so much easier to say than unpacking any of that.