#progress is progress i relapse at least once i year and I'm trying so so hard to make 2021 the one singular year i do not relapse one time
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TW: ED
I've gained a lot of weight.
My girlfriend has an eating disorder. It's weird to say that she's made it over the hump, you know there are good days and bad days and you never stop looking out for the next relapse. But she's okay. Sometimes when we're having dinner I look at her and realize how okay she is, how one year ago she was barely eating and how much progress she's actually made, and it makes me proud. It wasn't easy for her. In the end, I really think the little things mattered the most. Ways to comfort her and give her a little more control when she felt helpless, things like using the least amount of olive oil possible, having dinner at the same time, making sure I always had more on my plate than she did, eating while watching TV, it's all so little effort for so much effect. I try not to worry too much when I find out she still weighs all her portions or when she says something weird about her lunch or when she tries all her pants on once every week. I'm happy that she's better than she used to be.
But I've gained a lot of weight.
It's weird really, we try not to talk at all about beauty standards, we know all that self care and self love talk and we're so careful around each other that I almost jump when I hear a friend talking about how she really has to cut back now, she's been gaining weight and needs to get ready for the summer.
I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm happy and most of all I eat to keep my girlfriend from worrying about me. I've been like this since I realized money can be exchanged for delicious little snacks that you can hide in your backpack and quietly shovel into your mouth under the safety of your blanket. I was never fat but I was also never skinny, only managing to keep my weight because my mom made sure I went to soccer and dance practice 3 times a week. It's difficult to put into words how much I've eaten in my life. I don't think I can. But when I realized that one of my best friends had an eating disorder, I learned of the great duality in all our stupid little brains: the only thing better than food is no food.
"The hunger" sounds like a big metaphor, and really it should be, the hunger is such a wonderful literary device, but this time it really is just the hunger. The hunger is more rewarding than food could ever be. The hunger is the constant reminder that, for once, I'm not giving into my disgusting urges, that I'm being strong by resisting, that my dinner will taste amazing if I can just make it through the day without anything else, that I'm being good and achieving my goals. The hunger is the only one who rewards you for doing nothing. And I would lie if I said I didn't miss it sometimes.
But alas, I've gained weight.
I feel ugly. Even worse, I feel ashamed that I let this happen to me. The weirdest part is my relationship though. I've entered a weird dance routine with my girlfriend. I worry about loving weight because I'm afraid it'll send her into a relapse spiral. I worry about the way she sees me. She talks about herself with so much disgust but then tells me that she loves me the way I am. She is worried that I will stop eating again, so she makes sure I have three full meals, but then she'll only have one. I still have to eat more than her or she will have a breakdown. Sometimes I wonder if she secretly uses me as thinspo. If I talk about my issues with how I look she will be sad that I don't love myself, but I do love myself. I'm falling into all of my unhealthy patterns but I can't express them to her because I'm so worried that this whole last year will have been for nothing if she relapses again. I'm so worried about myself. I don't think I can keep being the caretaker. I feel so weird when I look in the mirror.
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Relapsed hard on the nicotine. We're coming up on the second anniversary of the assault and my fleeing for my life. And of every horrible thing that followed. I fear that this experience has somewhat ruined spring for me. And i love springtime. But the whole thing is just so horrifically painful, all over again, i don't know what to do with it all.
I tried to go away for a little while, to check myself in somewhere. But situations keep making that impossible, or just terribly inconvenient to the point where i throw my hands up and say fukkit. i need to get in with a therapist, badly. The heartbreak i am continuing to feel is debilitating, and i cannot continue thusly. Not and have any hope of ever getting anywhere financially or otherwise. I feel utterly crushed by the weight of all that has happened, before and since, Feb 9th 2021. And i am seemingly incapable of dragging myself out of this mire by myself.
I lost my last therapist the same week my mama had her stroke, in July of '22. I've been slogging through this wasteland with no mental healthcare for quite a while now. And it's not working. The evil daydreams, ruminations of coulda/woulda/shoulda, sometimes of scenarios and conversations that never have and likely never will happen, that i get in the car or when I'm by myself (and I'm always alone anymore) are crippling and so emotionally painful as to cause physical pain.
The sight of children, in person or online/ on screens, is a trigger for a squeezing of my heart in anguish and for tears to fill my eyes. I have so much regret about everything in how my children were raised, what they saw, what they have to look forward to as a result of my inability to leave him sooner. And what kills me now than anything is that i knew, inside of me i was warned, and i ignored the warnings. I was too scared to leave and be on my own, with three kids! I barely managed it with one by myself, and my mom didn't even let me do that, really. I didn't trust i could do it.
He had already broken me down with all the chaos and the yelling that I was a scared, pitiful thing in the inside. I still am, two years since the last time he will ever scream in my ear, miserably scared and pitiful. Feeling so hurt and angry and foolish and broken on the inside that i doubt i can ever be healed.
But i know that the only way out of this is through it. And I'll either win or I'll die trying.
Im fighting ghosts of the past. Very convincing, very cruel, ghosts who never loved me and the more i remember the more i see that he never actually loved anyone. Not even himself. But he was too brain injured and self deluding to see. Blinded by the scrambled biscuits.
I genuinely loved that man. I will always love the version of him that he pretends to be in public, that guy is stellar. But he's an act. A show. That's not who he was at home. That's not who he was while stressed. And that's certainly not who he was when he was drunk.
After he quit working because of the headache and the seizures he was near always drunk. I would beg him not to but he would scream at me that i was a horrible bitch for 'stealing his one joy'. Forward progress, growth, positive changes were mocked and fought and undermined.
He would apologize for his violent drunken stupidity, or just flat out refuse to acknowledge it had happened, and i would just accept it. I didn't leave. I fully expected him to die any day. He was having near daily seizures. He'd refused all medications, refused to go to the doctors, SCREAMED at me every time i suggested we try again, or we try another. He just wanted to drink himself to death and make us watch.
And then he quit drinking and he got worse. I got to the point where i preferred the drinking because then there was at least a timer on it. I knew once he hit 4 or 5 glasses he'd be extra susceptible to being scary grumpy and as long as i was nice and conciliatory during that window he'd shortly be falling asleep. Once he quit drinking i never knew when the grumps were coming. (Blessedly the middle of the night blanket snatch 'n' screams also ceased with the drinking). After he quit drinking though I would wake up in the mornings to him yelling at the kids, angrily, kids crying because he was being terrifying, and i would have to go try and figure out what on earth was going on and get everyone back to a baseline. It was very difficult to determine what the triggers were and so it was hard to make sure we all could feel safe around daddy. This happened a LOT.
I'm still shaking on the inside from shit he did while we were in quarantine.
And since then he's lied in court about everything, but most especially about me, and stolen my children. And has it so that I am not even allowed to get information about the children from the school. No report cards, no parent teacher conferences, no phone calls, all visits with a paid supervisor. If he dies they don't come to me as it stands right now. *
(And I'm on the hook to pay a $1500 retainer for a custodial evaluation that isn't even going to evaluate my ability to parent. Money i don't have. Money i feel like i will never have again because I'm so broken. )
Since then I've been homeless and in a homeless shelter.
I've been second lead in two feature films.
My brother has disowned me.
My mother, who was my fragile but most dependable rock, has had a massive, left-side paralyzing stroke that I strongly believe was a direct result of the stress of the divorce/ custody battle/ my using her as a therapist throughout.
My father has waffled on me again, destroying what fledgling trust I had started building in him.
My daughter started her period, without me there.
I've lost jobs due to my inability to STFU about what is going on inside me and what has happened to me.
I've been gaslit, and condescended to, and mistreated by a whole passel of attorneys, government employees, and elected officials, whose job it was to help me.
And there's like 10 people who give a shit. My kids aren't even allowed to call me on the phone because of the lies he told, and hardly anyone cares.
And it's absolutely devastating to me that injustice to this degree can exist in the world and people, even elected officials, people who are supposed to care, just *don't care*. It boggles my mind. I am appalled by it.
But if depth of feeling made any difference it would have done so by now. Clearly it ain't gonna. And I'm apparently gonna just starve myself to death in this old church because i can't get over this.
Life goes on, ever into that cold dark night.
Or I'll get better. I don't know. I'm feelin rather hopeless at the moment but that may change. Feelings are like waves on the ocean, after all.
*tbph i don't think i could take care of them presently. I'm too damaged by what he's put me through. I can't even take care of myself anymore. I'd sure as hell try to take care of them if i was given the opportunity. But I'm not. And because I'm not i don't bother to even try to take care of myself, which makes a whole stupid spiral into worse, which i don't want, ...but my actions say otherwise, don't they?
I feel like i don't deserve good anymore. I don't deserve my kids. I failed them and I'm not good enough for them. I feel like I've failed myself and my mom and the world. I'm just all busted up inside and i don't know how to fix any of it by myself. And i keep asking for help and being put off, back burnered. So i back burner myself too. And i keep doing that. As things just get worse and worse for me, emotionally.
And a lot of it is nutritional I'm sure. I know I'm not eating enough. I don't know how I'm supposed to even do that. And it's not enough and i know it but i have no kitchen and no idea how tf to cook or shop for one person.
And i don't know what to do about any of it anymore. I used to be so confident. I swear i thought i was, at one point. I want to get back to that. I feel like I'm on a whole other planet from confident now.
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#not to vent here but my bipolar is really hitting me full force this week like what the fuck 💀#i cried everyday#i had some moments of lucidity but the past few days have felt sad and hazey#last night i had a hard time falling asleep bc i kept hallucinating knocking sounds bc I've had trouble sleeping &they get worse#when i don't sleep properly:/#but it's not like u can blast music and tune it out when it in ur head 😭#i was stable today & felt okay but then my thoughts just started snowballing in the car and i felt the very strong urge to hurt myself#i didn't ofc i was in the car and the bad feelings went away but it was a really strong feeling & I'm like um.#anyway 😭#yea this week has been a hard mental health week i can't pinpoint what triggered it either that's what's so bizarre#i just had a funny feeling last Sunday#im gonna go to bed & try my hardest to get a full night of sleep i know my lack of sleep is only going to make it worse#proud of myself for fighting the urge to hurt myself tho#progress is progress i relapse at least once i year and I'm trying so so hard to make 2021 the one singular year i do not relapse one time#text#tw#mental health#personal#self harm tw#also yall don't worry about me too much I'm under a therapist supervision so I've got that
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Hello Tumblr . Is there anybody out there ?
So this is my first attempt at posting on my BLOG and I thought I'd take this opportunity to not just figure things out and find my feet but introduce myself to the community and maybe stumble across like minded folk .
Firstly I would just like to say that I really have no specific aim or goal with this blog other than to use it as a tool in my on going recovery . A sort of public journal for logging my thoughts and emotions , clear the cobwebs and relieve myself of some of the inanity and chaos that grows within me on an hourly basis and eventually over time can become somewhat of a problem . I don't have any expectations at all about people reading or it becoming a popular read haha Its purely a personal outlet and I intend to be completely honest and transparent , making no apologies over its content or whether I come across as insane as I do in my head . I'm sure I will and I'm alright with that .
I will say briefly that I am in fact recovering from a relapse in Bipolar disorder , its something I have struggled with all my adult life and I'm still learning now , trying to tackle it and salvage a little happiness and stability within my life .I am indeed just a work in progress .
So that's that in mind I shall be searching blogs that are of interest to me and maybe have an opportunity to meet some new friends or maybe not ? Time will tell but I'm looking forward to baring my soul and sharing the unedited and version of it on here , maybe in time it will be more of a personal thing , we will see and maybe Ill be following a few blogs and possibly in the process of creating a new one . I am a complete novice at this so its a great big learning curve but hopefully serve some purpose in my life ,it certainly cant do me any harm anyway .
So ,hello once more I look forward to seeing some interesting blogs and creations .Take it easy people have a lovely weekend and if you cant be good be careful . I'm not fully compos mentis yet so I hope I have at least made some sense here , I may be a little disjointed at times but and irrational the next but I am a friendly person with honest with and good intentions have time to anybody or anything . I am also approachable and welcome comments , advice maybe even an opinion from time to time as long as its structured I have no issues at all .I do have a great respect for others and following through some experiences I had those last couple of years I realise there is no time in my life for being cool or ignoring a helping hand or reassuring comment from someone I may not know too well . Part of my recent and on going philosophy/ realisation that life is too short for many things , we as fellow human beings and sharing the flaws and hesitancy with actions , over a lifetime I bet that time adds up . Just my philosophy anyway , I'm always trying to improve wherever I can , be as productive as I can be .
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Hey, I just want to let you know I can see things are really stressful for you at the moment but that it is so so worth it no matter what your brain is telling you - I started a degree last year, hit a bad patch, dropped out, then tried again this year and I won't lie it's been a struggle (I'm currently attending on day leave from inpatient) but if you keep going it is absolutely rewarding I promise ❤ that's not to say you should let it hurt your health, though - health always comes first x
Your message has honestly warmed my heart this evening. I am sorry to hear about the struggles that you have had and the things that you have been through but to hear that things are starting to pay off, I don’t know, it gives me a little hope. I am not jumping to any decisions, especially when I know it could be heavily influenced by my current mental state, but I am exploring options and trying to keep an open mind. For so long I have thought that University is where I am meant to be, to be studying, but being here....it’s made me think about whether it really is for ‘me’ or not. My course is, in the most part, interesting me however there are also other aspects that make me feel anything but ‘happy’. Beyond the degree I don’t see myself doing anything, and that is partially what I am struggling with right now. It’s hard to explain but I don’t know what I want and I am not sure I want to go to the places where this degree can take me. It is not that I don’t find it interesting, I do, but I have no direction and am wondering whether it is really worth it, all this money and time to come out with a piece of paper that I don’t have passion for or want to progress with. Part of me thinks/wonders whether I would maybe be happier somewhere where I could learn whilst working/building the skills that I can use in a work place and being able to put them into action and climb the career ladder. I don’t jut want ‘a job’ I want a career and one that builds around and with me as I grow older. I will admit that I am scared that I am losing out, that time is ticking by, and here I am years down the line still unsure as to where I am going. A big question mark over my head right now is that, well, if I really wanted this surely I wouldn’t keep relapsing/getting into the same negative spirals? This is the second time I have attempted University and yet I feel like I have gotten *nowhere*. I know that is quite black and white but it is easier kept that way when trying to externalise it in a post. The crux, I suppose, is that I feel very lost in myself and in life and am not sure where to turn. The thought of going home is a non-starter, but then what other option do I really have? I don’t. I realise that I am rambled on and that not much of this is making sense...basically, I don’t know where I am going with anything. I spent two hours yesterday, and then much of this afternoon, looking into apprenticeships to just see what ‘options’ there may be out there. I know a degree, whatever it is, really helps when getting a job so part of me is very inclined to just stick it out. I also know that a lot of people get second/third thoughts about University once they have stated. And I suppose that is why I am not rushing to any sort of decision. Right now my focus is to get through this term, complete my summative assessments in Nov/Dec and sit my January exams and then, I suppose, we go from there. I reassess and have a think about where I am at. I may try to talk to my personal tutor at some point about all of this, or the student welfare person in my accommodation as I have gotten to know her quite well (she is about a year older than me and works behind reception and we have chatted quite a lot, mostly about cats and crocheting and JCR stuff as I am the Wellbeing ‘officer’ and she is to do with Wellbeing as well...but yes I might talk to her about it as I feel quite comfortable with her). We shall se I suppose. At least it’s another day down now, and again, I am sorry for being such a drag/low/annoying/moapy/negative at the moment, I will try to pick things up a little xxx
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Part 1: I'm the 5th year med student with the critical supervisor. Thank you so much for your supportive reply, I honestly was half-expecting to be told to suck it up/toughen up. So your kind words meant a lot to me. If I fail 1 rotation, I fail my 5th year - so God forbid that I fail. You can appeal if you have mit circs, but not sure whether I have them. I only have 2 wks left of this 7-wk placement, wondering whether it's worth mentioning to uni, but considering it.
Part 2: It’s good to talk/other students might be helped. Wondering if I’m being oversensitive as other staff members/colleagues seem to just take this consultant on the chin, though. Re counselling service, not sure whether they can help in ways other than offering sessions, which I’m not sure I need. I have a hx of dep/anx/ocd, but I was doing well enough to finish weaning off meds 2 weeks ago and had my last cbt session last week
Hello, it’s really good to hear from you again. I’m glad it helped. I don’t believe in telling people to ‘toughen up’ or put up with inappropriate behaviour. I actually think this is a huge problem in medicine; many of us are so used to lack of support, belittling, bullying, shouting or even outright abuse from colleagues or patients and their relatives, to the point where it just becomes something we all expect to put up with. We DO get better at dealing with crap like this, but that’s not because we SHOULD. It’s simply because we keep getting exposed to it. I definitely am a lot less upset by patients shouting at me now than I was as a student, but that doesn’t make someone doing that acceptable. You’re not being over-sensitive, I do wonder if your colleagues are perhaps more inured to such behaviour. Or perhaps they too are fearful and just want to keep their heads down and survive. Perhaps they find it as unpleasant as you, only perhaps they too try to keep it on the inside. We don’t know how much our peers are suffering if they choose not to open up to us. Your real endame here involves two separate objectives: 1) pass the year, which means passing the placement.2) survive this placement and year with your mental health intact, because you do NOT want to go back to where you were, or worse. Both are equally important. It’s really great that you’ve recovered mentally enough to wean down your meds and finish CBT, it’s amaing progress! And that’s definitely a good sign for your general resilience and future. I’m glad to hear your mental health is generally going in the right direction. I’m not a fortune teller, and I wish you many, many years of mental stability and inner strength. But I have to suggest that when you’re newly recovering, it’s a particularly important time to take care. Just like a newly broken bone fresh out of the cast is still not quite like new, so our minds and our souls are also tender when we’re recovering mentally. you’re doing so well, but take especial care of your mental health, and keep a close eye for any signs you might be relapsing or might need more support. Because we’re still a little vulnerable whilst we’re still recovering.You know yourself, but perhaps it wouldn’t nurt to get some extra counselling or support though the weeks you’re stuck with this supervisor. It certainly wouldn’t hurt. In terms of passing, remember that once they’ve signed you off (or not) there’s little you can do about the outcome, except perhaps appeal. In terms of appealing, it helps if your university know what’s been going on beforehand. A heads-up can make all the difference. Universities care about students with mental or physical health problems, if they know that they actually have one. The biggest mistake people often make is not being honest with their university about what they are struggling with. I know time is short, but it’s still probably worth discussing it with your university. What’s the worst that happens if you tell unviersity about your mental health, or that the supervisor’s bullying is affecting you, and then you get failed? They might do nothing about it. Which is exactly where you’d be if you never informed your university at all. We all fear people treating us harshly because we have a health problem, but when universities don’t even know you have a problem, and you mess up, they treat you most harshly. At the very least, talking to them about it might put you in line for mitigating circumstances, should the worst come to the worst.But they are unlikely to ignore what you’re telling them, because it’s in their interest to choose carefully where they send students every year, and universities move students if it doesn’t work out. I’ve seen it. More importantly, they are under legal obligation not to discriminate in terms of disability, and it would get them in trouble if they are ignoring the effect this has on your mental health. I suspect that your university would be more interested than you realise. Plus, think about the students that may benefit from this supervisor being monitored or having their students taken away; you might help someone next time around whose mental health is really fragile. It shouldn’t be the main reason you consider something, but most of us would like the horrible experiences we suffer to end with us. I get that talkng to universities about things like this can be scary and intimidating and deeply unpleasant; I’ve accompanied people to advocate on their behalf or lend support when they’ve been to such discussions. It is not nice, but it’s sometimes a necessary evil, to stick up for yourself and to ensure that you are getting the appropriate treatment you deserve. Apart from that, you can just try to do your best and get by. I doubt they will fail you, but I think you should consider what you can do to fight your corner, in case they do. I’m a huge fan of contingency plans and planning in advance, because it’s stressful to be put into a situation at short notice having not thought of what your options are. This is regardless of whether you deserve to be failed, or how unlikely it is. Because we plan for serious things even if they are unlikely.And if they happen to fail you, it’d work in your favour if you’d been honest with the university about what was going on, and how they’ve been treating students. That will definitely paint a picture of the struggles you’ve been facing. Even if they won’t remive you from the placement, it might make them realise you have mitigating circumstances, between the tutor and your mental health. Good luck, and keep me updated. I hope you pass the rotation smoothly and continue on your way to much nicer rotations.
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I'm sorry if you can't write this if it's part of the rules but can I have RFA++(if it's okay) reacting to an MC suddenly had a depression and self harm relapse? I'm sorry if this is too much;; I just had a relapse and I need to feel better rn.
hey, love💛 don’t be sorry at all, I’d be glad to write this for you^^ I hope this makes you feel better! Remember that the rfa and I are here for you, we love you lots, and you’re always welcome to my inbox(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥
[ just in case: trigger warnings! for mentions of self harm!]
zen
everything was supposed to be fine now
there was nothing wrong, in fact, mc has had some of the best days they had in a long time
but they just…yeah
they felt like explaining wouldn’t help
and mc really, really didn’t want to, but they found themselves back where they swore they wouldn’t be
which was crying quietly, in the bathroom, hurting themselves again
they broke their two year cleanliness
zen came back from getting the two of them some goldfish-shaped bread and couldn’t find mc anywhere
until he heard faint crying coming from the bathroom
he knocked on the door first. “mc? are you alright?”
mc couldn’t answer back, too scared of what his reaction would be
“babe? i’m coming in.” “no! no, im fine. I just..I fell, I’ll be ok.”
Zen didn’t buy it. he opened the door and found them on the floor, trying to clean the blood away and crying
he immediately ran to their side, kneeling before them and taking a towel
he doesn’t react how mc thought he would. he doesn’t ask why, doesn’t visibly stress out, doesn’t get upset with them
instead, he pulls mc into his lap and gently cleans them up, kissing their shoulder every once in awhile and whispers slowly
“it’s okay. this does not diminish the progress you made. you feel for a little, but you’ll get back up. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you back up. But you are amazingly strong. I love you..I love you so much.”
yoosung
yoosung didn’t notice it at first
it was honestly hard to notice
mc never ate a lot, but they always ate three meals
and they still did! but their meals got smaller and smaller
then they stopped eating lunch when yoosung wasn’t around
it didn’t show physically, but yoosung could tell
mc’s stomach rumbled more than it used to. they were more grumpy, not as bright as they usually were
so he stopped by the house one day. mc had just texted him that they were eating right now
when he got there, however, they weren’t
they were just sitting there, wrapped up in blankets, not wanting to move
“honey..” he said, a sad smile on his face. mc was surprised - he didn’t tell them he was coming home
“you haven’t been eating..” mc doesn’t answer him
“I had breakfast..” “that was breakfast, though, honey.”
they don’t take the conversation any further, but yoosung goes into the kitchen and gets mc a granola bar
he sits down next to them and takes their hand, kissing their cheek
“start here. we’ll go slowly, love. but I need you to be healthy..I’ll be there every step of the way.”
jaehee
jaehee and mc didn’t have the best sleeping habits
they were getting better, though !
the latest they slept was at 11. for a week now!
progress!
or, it was for jaehee
mc was still tired, always. like they hadn’t slept well in months
their mood didn’t really alter, but they kept yawning
and they still refused to take a nap, even
one night, jaehee couldn’t sleep
so much for that record
but what was more important was that she found mc still awake, looking like they were practically fighting sleep
“mc, sweetheart, what are you doing awake?” mc looked at her in surprise
“can’t sleep. but it’s alright, love. you should be asleep too.”
jaehee knows something is off. “how long have you not been able to sleep, mc?”
they yawn, but try to play it off. “just since last night. it’s fine. what’s another all nighter?”
jaehee sits up, pulling mc over. “you need rest, love. you’re hurting yourself like this.” she kisses their nose. “i want you to be happy and healthy, and its going to take awhile, but we can start with being healthy. I’ll be right beside you as you fight.”
jumin
jumin was like a hawk
he knew their routine. it was hard to do anything to hurt themselves
but mc found a way
no one watched them while they ate…so if they could just order something small and throw it away..
or invite a friend over to give them the meal..
no one would know that mc wasn’t eating
again, it barely showed anything different physically
but one of the chefs got suspicious and worried
so they tell him
and he decides to come home when mc ordered something small, like a little salad
he walked through the door as soon as mc opened the trashcan
“…my love?” he asked
mc looked at him with wide eyes, the fork just barely starting to push the food down
“honey! you’re home early..” “is something wrong?” “no, i- it’s a lot…”
“mc…”
they slowly put the bowl on the counter and look to the floor
jumin walks over to them and lifts their chin, making them look at him
“mc, don’t hide from me again, my love…i want you to tell me how you’re feeling. i want to know…and i want to help you…please don’t hesitate to tell me what you feel, no matter how dark you feel it is. i want to support you and help you through it.”
707 / luciel / saeyoung
it was fairly easy to play it off at first
because they told saeyoung they wanted to stay up with him
but then it got to the point where even when he wanted to sleep early, they would stay up
mc had been drinking a lot of Dr. Pepper, too..for the sugar rush
saeyoung had an eye for things like this. partly because he did the same thing before
but also because he’s done worse, too
mc was going on their sixth soda of the day when saeyoung took it from their hands
“no fair!” they said. saeyoung just put it back in the fridge before going back to them
he carried them onto his lap and made them face him
“you need to sleep.”
mc was surprised, confused. “..it’s two in the afternoon.”
“and you haven’t slept properly in a week. you might get worse..”
now they were more surprised. “saeyoung-”
“i just- mc…not sleeping seems harmless, but it really isn’t good for you. you’re hurting yourself that way. and if you continue, it might make you want to do something even worse..”
he wraps his arms around mc and puts his head in the neck. “please, let’s start with a nap. i’ll sleep with you, but i’m going to make sure you do, first. i need my agent 606 healthy…and i want the love of my life to know that it’s ok to hurt…but they need to take care of themselves..”
v / jihyun
mc tried really hard for jihyun
they knew that rika had this kind of problem, not handling it the same way mc did, but the same problem nonetheless
however, jihyun failed rika. at least, that’s what he thought. he couldn’t fail mc
but it was getting to be too much for them
they could barely act happy for his sake
but he wasn’t home right now..and if they could just- just once-
scars healed. he would never know…
jihyun came home early, though
he thought mc stepped out to go to the store, so the bathroom was free
it wasn’t. he walked in on mc over the sink, staring at him with wide eyes
v wasted no time at all. he rushed to their side, gently but firmly taking their other hand
“Angel,” he breathed out. mc started crying. “i’m sorry, V- Jihyun- I just-”
he shushes them, taking their face into his hands
“it’s ok. you don’t need to apologize, Angel. what we need to do us clean you up”
they do just that, jihyun putting bandages on
“mc…i will do anything i can to help you. we can look for someone to help, we can take it slowly. but please…don’t hide anything from me. I won’t lose you..I want to help you..”
saeran
saeran is extremely good at noticing self-destructive behavior
especially because he has the tendency to do it himself
so mc has to be subtle
in all honesty, they shouldn’t even be doing this
they were supposed to be helping him, not sinking into their own depression
but it was hard. and they still wanted to be an example for saeran
so they took up scratching instead of anything else
it wasn’t visible and they could easily play it off
but saeran noticed. of course he noticed
their skin was red all the time. not to the point of almost being cut, but it was getting there
and he knew there was only one reason for it
“mc…are you hurting yourself?”
“what? no, of course not, saeran”
“don’t lie to me. you’re scratching.”
mc was surprised at how he picked up on it so quickly, but they can’t lie to him again
“…I am…”
he takes their hand and brings their arm to him, kissing the fingers on his other hand before pressing it to their skin
“we’ll get better together”
#mystic messenger#mysme#mystic messenger hc#mysme headcanon#zen mysme#yoosung kim#jaehee kang#jumin han#707#saeyoung choi#jihyun kim#saeran choi#anon#a request!#tw#i hope you feel better<3
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