#processing some Feelings I guess
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about anger
#processing some Feelings I guess#i dunno#vent art#?#something something not knowing youre a hot stove until someones hand is red#art#kineticallyart#gonna head to bed early
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I headcannon that after 3rd Kinslaying, and especially after Elrond and Elros left them in whatever fashion, Maedhros was a total dick to Maglor.
You know how sometimes old or sick people are nice to neighbours/nurses/strangers, but are horrible to their primal caretakers? That's them.
People aren't dicks to their caretakers just to be dicks - it's because they are often frustrated with themselves or their situation and don't know how else to deal with it or they can't deal with it the usual way. It also happens because, paradoxally, they feel safe around their caretakers - you can be a dick because you know they won't leave just because of that.
And boy, did Maglor cast himself in a role of caretaker (let's not kid ourselves, he wasn't qualified, and with his own problems to boot), and BOY, did Maedhros resent him for it. He did not NEED help, he did not DESERVE help, he's not another kidnapped child MAGLOR, I'M the older brother, I should take care of YOU YOU WRECK, WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BABYSIT YOU GROW UP ALREADY and leave me Nothing is EVER your fault, even when you left me to Angband as you should Why would you care now, it amounted to NOTHING before, it's WORTHLESS
And about half the time Maglor just takes it, actually likes it even. Mostly because of his guilt complex about how he deserves it, but also because Maedhros is only like this with him - he's trying his best to pretend to be fine and be a leader to few followers they have left, because they deserve better and that's the only thing he can give them now, and their brothers are all dead and would always be Too Little to act like that around them anyway. Maedhros would behave himself even around Fingon, to make him think rescuing him was worth something. So by being a dick to Maglor, Meadhros sees him as an equal, a safe haven. Maglor basks in that.
But obviously no one could just take such abuse like it's nothing, and Maglor is a Feanorian too, is prideful and stubborn, with his own laundry list of complains about Maedhros, and also unwell, and also thought of a new insult while lying awake at night and just wants to yell too. So half the time Maglor yells back and their yelling matches would bring orcs to tears, with hate and blame dripping from every word. I don't have enough imagination to picture it realistically, and actually I don't want to, it's too heartbreaking.
And sometimes, one or the other just starts crying. They don't talk about these times.
After some time, their arguments and insults are just a noise, something to repeat endlessly to the point of boredom.
By then, what actually hurts are the words that were not meant to harm.
Example 1:
Maedhros: 'did an all-night inspection of their stores cause he couldn't sleep' I found a herb you always liked to wash your hair with.
Maglor: 'doesn't remember last time he washed his hair, no less scented them'
Maglor: 'choked up' Appreciated.
Example 2:
Maedhros: 'feels like he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him' You could go with the twins, you know.
Maglor: 'doesn't want to upset Maedhros today so decides to pretend as if that was actually an option' Vanyar would probably like my singing but you know they would get mad at you for having better battle plans than them.
Maedhros: 'now KNOWS he's dragging Maglor to damnation with him'
Maedhros: 'dying inside' Of course they would.
When love hurts, it's easier to be a dick.
#maedhros#maglor#silmarillion#silm#barely related but it plays into my headcannon that when nerdanel didn't went with them and feanor died#maglor and maedhros became New Mom and Dad for the rest of Feanorians#not even with any creepy context from them it was an automatic process#oh Mom left Dad Maglor is similiar to her guess Maglor is New Mom#oh Dad's dead? Maedhros is New Dad#boom problem solved#when Maedhros was unwell after Tears Celegorm got to be Dad for some time#it's so unhealthy when you look from the outside#it's unrelated to anything except Maglor as New Mom resents any mentions of abandoning the others#Maglor is NOTHING like Nerdanel#THIS mom won't leave anyone thank you very much#and then Maedhros stays in Angband for 30 years lmao#so unhealthy#angst I guess#I feel it went in different direction than it started but eh
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I understand not wanting your party members to walk into a lake and drown themselves but also Laudna has the fuckin WORST bedside manner lol. Yes, your much-needed long rest was just interrupted in a creepy abandoned town where you know weird charm-shit happened and the LAST thing you need right now is for anyone to lose focus. But also "Can you not wait? You can wait 5 minutes." talking to someone who has waited months and doesn't know if their loved one is even ALIVE and has confessed to you how much he misses them and how much it hurts and they could be outside breathing alive right now—
And on the surface, it looks like Chet is enabling a bad decision when he says "You probably heard Dorian. He's probably outside." and yeahh, okay, maybe he is a little bit. But right after that he's about to protest with something about Orym and it's like yeah. ORYM said he heard something. When has there been a time when ORYM heard something, and it wasn't real? How many times has Orym heard something and it's saved our asses? Before Chet is being hit with his own need to check out the lake, he's giving Orym the benefit of the doubt. And while he is an enabler by nature, he's keeping his voice soft rather than his usual, over-the-top "let's fuck around and find out" energy that he brings to dangerous situations like this.
You can't have everyone in the group treating a dilemma with the same amount of sympathy and care. What makes the BH so fascinating to watch is the variation in responses and different ways they interact with each other. You need a balance of someone who will take the cold, unyielding stance against something that is so obviously a trap, and someone that is aware of the risks but willing to speak up for that person and humor them when they're so clearly struggling.
I have a lot of feelings about Laudna and Chetney's instinctual responses and I think both stances are fascinating and they've both shattered my heart to pieces
#chet is very observant with orym and everyone else tbh#and i feel like he always takes care when it counts#im very soft for the father-son bond there#and i feel like when laudna and orym agree and clash flips on a dime sooo often#its very interesting. and laudna i feel is a very decisive person. when she feels some way about something shes very firm on it#and i think orym is too. but most times shes much quicker to be loud and vocal and insistent about it than he is#its fun to watch her oppose him and he have to be like 'ok i guess i have to push this'#and half the time they are ON THE SAME PAGE but its either like one line off or they just totally misunderstanding each other#orym is my boy i spin him in my brain and anyone who interacts with him makes me spin even faster#critical role#c3e86#orym of the air ashari#chetney pock o'pea#laudna#bells hells#not even done with the ep yet but taking advantage of the fact that i can pause and make posts like this lol#during the live its like i save long posts for the end IF i can remember what i wanted to say#if i do it during i do not process the show and miss everything
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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you ever think about how MK never gets a chance to really define himself?
#had this thought while driving home#like he barely even gets any chance to place some identity other than monkie kid and delivery boy bc he always gets interrupted#every villain has their own preconceived notion on who and what he is#Demon Bull family saw him as a ‘little thief’ and ‘noodle boy’#Spider Queen called him junior or something????#Macky even told MK that he is nothing w/o the staff. He also projected a lot of his anger with swk to MK bc he saw a lot of similarities#LBD did one better and shattered his own self worth by feeding into his insecurities and trying to mold him into her pawn (champion? will w#ever know what she wanted and why she wanted Mac to capture mk and swk???? what was their role that she wanted them to play???)#Azure even tries to assert his own perceptions on MK in the special and oh boy how he snaps back (🥰 so satisfying)#‘Oh there’s nothing mindless about me…friend’ <- one of the rare times MK puts his foot down when other try to assume what he is#I betchu s5 will focus on MK grappling with his identity bc we laid some foundations he is ok with acknowledging it#But actually processing what this meant for him? I have a guess that he wants to avoid that#And the ironic part is that swk (if he knew which I think so) is now the one trying to get MK to communicate his thoughts and feelings#It’s swk who warned MK about the dangers of hiding or avoiding huge issues like having a giant & powerful monkey form#bc swk has spent like the past 3 seasons doing the opposite of what he’s preaching to MK at the special (this is why i love him he’s trying#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk mk#lmk qi xiaotian#qi xiaotian
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assorted old and somewhat unfinished oc art (except the second one thats recent)
#my art#art#trans#my ocs#ocs#trigger#gummy#i guess#i dont likw the name gabe caus ei kinda just threw it in for backstory points but theres no real reason#ill pick a diff name#and sunbeam doesnt even have an actual name yet im caught between sophie & sabrina but i cant keep sunbeam name#crazy to me how these guys started out i should post the first gummy art#it feels weird drawing them being nicento eachothwr. like how in animes characters will hate eachother so much but the official art isnthem#like kissing or something#i gotta practice art and get some story shit together that i can actually show ppl#i feel like i somehow draw worse than i did alpng the process of making em#the blue one wit trigger is my magnum opus of arms ive never drawn a single good arm atter that#i didnt even draw for like months after that bc notjijgn was good enough#ive been eating like a 16th century merchant lately#breads and rice with meat & soup#i had some really good apple and pear slices today i cut & spiralized like 10 apples#ok i dont really have anything else to say
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more and more it's feeling like we just...don't have room for people trying anymore. it's all or nothing; get it right the first time, or be crucified by a jury you can never fully see or convince. and this isn't new, isn't born of current events. it's become more and more prevalent over the last ten years thanks to social media putting every little thought on blast, but i'd put money on the idea that it's actually been brewing much longer than that. and, for me, it goes beyond being tiring or upsetting. it feels bleak. it feels downright fucking broken that we're all so busy trying not to condone anything remotely problematic that we don't leave room for good faith learning. watching people trying to suss out their own identity--something literally ONLY they can fully understand or explain--be vilified for trying to fit words around their own experience sucks. watching people misunderstand something and try to apologize for it later, only to be told they should have known all along, sucks. seeing people who once held truly toxic beliefs actually grow and learn and apologize and still be told to fuck themselves as if they're a lost cause--it sucks. just. does that not fill you with despair for the state of things? does that not break something in you, to think that if you one day don't understand something, or misuse a word, or grapple with complicated feelings, it will forever stain you in the eyes of perfect strangers?
dude the world is fucked, and we all see it, but like. it doesn't feel like it helps to be so goddamn reactive. it doesn't feel like it helps anyone to demand perfection out the gate. it's exhausting. there are enough people out there who don't want to learn, who aren't trying, who actively revel in cruelty. looking for malice in every little fuck-up from people who seem to be genuinely striving to live their lives with kindness strikes me as lending strength to an army that already glories in suffering. and makes the world look more fucked than ever. and i really don't know that that energy is what we need when there's already so much to set right.
maybe it's just me. maybe this last decade just shattered something in me. but i really, really hate the idea--reject the idea, frankly--that people can't learn and change and grow. that people can't be better than a bad day or a failure of understanding. i reject the idea that people are something to be thrown out because they fucked up. it just seems...yeah. bleak. really fuckin' bleak.
#personal#i dunno dude#this is that fighting energy from earlier. found some actual words for it i guess#but i'm just so tired#shit's fucked. some shit's complicated. and some isn't--some feels incredibly straightforward to me.#and to the next person maybe there's more nuance. it's all so fucking...there's so much to process all the time#and i catch myself in knee-jerk mode#i catch myself writing people off. making lists in my head. sometimes it's just purely a matter of safety#but god the things i'd give for some of those people to come back into my world#to learn. to grow. to apologize. to decide they value kindness and life over brainwashed beliefs#i would give so much for those friends back. those family members. those people i knee-jerk wrote off back in 2015#i shrunk my world down when i cut them out. i shrunk it down when i told them to fuck off instead of having a conversation#i actively made my safety net smaller in the effort to keep myself protected#and i just keep watching other people do similar things#and thinking like. if i could go back. if i wasn't so hot-headed and Certain that evil thoughts make a person evil#or that miseducation or ignorance or straight-up brainwashing broke a person for good#maybe it would all be different now than it was for my 25-year-old self#i just. i don't fucking know.#people are trying. people need to KEEP trying.#and telling them they're shit for NEEDING to try is only ever going to carve out the part of them that wants to be better#the world is fucked. why help fuck it even more. what is the point of that.#and i'm not saying don't call people on their shit. but maybe calling them shouldn't look like telling them to kill themselves#maybe it should involve a little grace#slamming doors just feels like it makes the house smaller. and shuts off exit routes you might need later#and i kinda wish i'd known that in my 20s
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how do you get your colors to look so nice and your lineart so red and vibrant? i love it
omg anon thank you!! 😭 im going 2 be honest I am Not Great with color theory... but i like having my sketch pages look cohesive to me...
BUCKLE UP this is going to need a readmore bc i like talking.
I always sketch in neon colors it's a habit i picked up from an old teacher but I'll think of a color usually on a whim and draw with that. and then if i want to draw something else ill pick another color that i think goes well with the page. usually most of my color schemes r analogous (colors right next to each other on the wheel)
yanked this from recent dunmesh post; i kept most of my colors within the pink/red/orange range.
i wouldn't recommend doing everything in monochrome or analogous palettes though because it's sort of a guilty crutch of mine XD.
sometimes when im coloring ill change the layer mode of the sketch. color burn gets you either very very bright or very very deep colors depending on the color of the flats underneath. multiply and linear burn do the same thing but they're a lot tamer and generally always return darker colors. im sure there's some technical bits behind this though. ill either color my lineart afterward to compliment the color of the flats, leave it as is, or mess with layer modes if i feel like it. my favorite trick is color burn + linear burn + some combination of two lineart layers and just fiddling until i get a nice burn effect.
mithrun was done with crimson red on color burn.
coloring... like 999% of this is relative color which is like. kind of the idea that colors look different when placed next to each other. if you eyeball it a bit it's pretty noticeable.
what i used to do a bit ago was i would fill in the area i wanted to color with one big mask of color, make a new layer that has a clipping mask down to the flat layer of color, and then draw my actual flat colors. the color of the mask helped me pick my flat colors bc if I picked a color i think stood out too much next to the mask i could kind of just adjust it until it looked a little more cohesive.
old ish drawing next 2 a canon reference. i ignore local color a lot...mea culpa....but my overall color palette here was a light pink, so the shirt here is actually a desaturated pink? or violet i believe. if you shift sort of that purple color far enough into the gray area of your color wheel it can take on a blueish or even greenish hue. it being next to a lot of warm pinks/fuschias helps.
a neat thing that kind of helps is that if you desaturate or saturate certain colors they can kind of take on a certain hue? not sure if this makes sense. sort of how orange here turns tealish blue the grayer it gets. so if im drawing something that's predominantly orange and i have a blue color i can just take an orange color and desaturate it until i get a color that sort of looks like blue. and that way it kind of looks more harmonious? at least to me XD
shading. i don't apply serious lighting to a lot of my drawings, but a helpful bit is that the shadows tend to be the opposite of whatever color the lighting is? i try to think first about the "mood" or the main color i want to go for in the drawing and then i pick a shadow color opposite of that. so for here, i wanted the lighting to be a coolish magenta so the shadows r lime green. if there's anything off i fiddle around until i get something i like. the shadows on the skin here were too green initially so i shifted them a little more orange.
there's a "band" of color going on between the transition of the shadows to the light. generally this could be for a lot of reasons and i tend to use it differently (core shadow? overexposure? etc etc). but this is a color post so ill try not to go too off track.
but generally digital doesn't "mix" colors the same way traditional colors do if you use RGB (cmyk is a bit better with this but is kind of a pain to get used to), so to make blending a little less muddy, i sometimes add an intermediate color to smooth things out a little. for example, mixing digitally blue n yellow tends to get you gray, but generally, blue + yellow makes green, so if im making a blue->yellow transition ill slap some green color in the middle so it flows a little better.
I do a lot more cel shading nowadays. if you've been on here for a while earlier this year i have another style of coloring but it's not really accurate to how shadows really work so i wouldn't recommend looking at it. it's mostly to add zest and texture to the underlying flat colors.
coloring your lineart does a TON to helping your colors look vibrant, though its like the garnish on a dish to me (same with shadows). i think it's good to try and play with your flat colors and try to make sure those look in order first before adding flourishes. usually ill leave it a dark, saturated color that again matches my overall palette but sometimes i go in and color them by alpha locking my lineart layer and picking a color that matches the flat colors underneath? not sure how to explain it properly.
i used a darkish purple for shuro's ponytail to match the dull red of the flat colors (more relative color! trying to simulate a black/brown while keeping the pink palette there) but a lighter crimson for laios's blond. the light was this super intense like blush pink so i thought it might be cool to add this neon salmon red in the areas of that light to really give off that vibe of a very bright intense rim light.
sometimes you could also tweak with gradient maps or color balance, which adjusts hue based on how light or dark a color is. these r fun to mess with as a final touch but i need to watch using them because they can become crutches real fast XD but those are also just tools to help you. in the end just developing a good sense of how color works and how you want to use it is the best place to start.
LONGASS ramble but yeah. tldr just kind of train ur eye for color and look at what you like best. which is unhelpful and a little sucky but it really is just observation and practice and maybe some personal zest.
happy drawing!
#SORRY THIS IS THE SIZE OF CANADA I YAP A LOT#i like being thorough when explaining myself a lot XD but i think the easiest way to get good with this is just repeat practice n observing#and figuring out how stuff behaves in certain situations and what you like to do and blahblahblah#if you have artists u like that do this well looking at how they use color might be cool#...i feel this entire post is just putting my entire thought process on blast LOLLL.#“eyeball it out” -> study some actual fundamental stuff and or intake new info or art -> apply it back to just eyeballing it out#i dont think i have a natural sense for some basics#but i dont think im naturally one of those people who grind out studies all the time and breakdowns either#i guess i just kind of like knowing the mechanations behind why to do a certain thing or how stuff works and then figuring out#how that translates into what i know nerd emoji#james gurney has a good book on color and light#if you like reading. but its very informative!#quirinahscreams#ask#anon#this is mostly just me talking about how i draw i dont think this is meant to be educational or informative XD um
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Me, trying to do a complex animation for the first time in life:
✨I have no idea of what i am doing✨
#its something related to one piece#i just have some ocs ideas and i wanted to try it since her design its not as complicated that my other ocs#i am enjoying more the process than i thought i must say#it feels very fullfilling#now i have no idea what i am doing#most of the time i am like “i need to add more frames here to see it more smoothly i guess”#i live in confusion and i will die in confusion it seems#i saw some tutorials but i am still confused#instead of doing simole exercises i am going “yeah lets try to recreate a anime scene”#i am retarded but thats my way of life
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personal stuff under the cut, please do not feel obligated to read or respond. i just need to put this somewhere, i normally don't like putting stuff online
but i just. needed a space, i guess
being neurodivergent it's just. hard. fitting in somewhere, belonging somewhere.
on top of that there's the PTSD angle and I just. idk. i feel. not even human. don't get me wrong, being medicated for it finally has helped a lot.
but it's still so painfully obvious i'm different and just. can't function the same way as others. i don't know how to be a human correctly. or how to have friendships.
and it's so frustrating because i don't know what is wrong with me, what i'm doing wrong. i mean like i know i get attached, and clingy. but i try to be hyperaware of that and pretty much beg people to please set boundaries with me. idk if that's more to the mental issues or the trauma, either way i want so badly for people to like me. i'll take even the slightest crumb, because i just so badly want friendship. you don't even have to like me/care about me the same way i do you.
like i have spent so much of my life alone and in bad places. life is hard, you never know what people are going through. so i always try to be honest and sincere with people. like if i enjoy something someone does/make, or something as small as i like their hair/outfit, i'll tell them that. the few friendships i have had i love them with so much intensity and i want those people to know how much they mean to me, because it is so special to me, even if the the other party doesn't feel the same. it is all i have. and i am so grateful.
i've had my excitement over mundane things or things my friends think/say/do pointed out to me before and i worry it's more annoying than endearing.
i know there's a saying that some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime or whatever. and i'm in my late twenties; myself and those i know are married and have kids, careers, homes, etc., i do know that life happens and while you may care a lot for someone, you just can't prioritize them in your life. totally get that and that's okay.
i'm just. mourning. because i feel like i'm only always in someone's life for a brief time, and then i outlive my uselessness. and i just disappear from their lives quietly, or something drastic happens.
i just. see these intimate, close friendships, and i just don't know why i'm not capable of doing that. i see people who have been friends since they were children, who see each other regularly, who help each other with their children or are there for major life events, good or bad. like i read one post about how these two women had been friends since they were kids, and the one basically became like an aunt to the other's children. they were literally viewed as family. they'd buy each other flowers, babysit, curl up and platonically cuddle together, spend holidays together. i just wish i could develop bonds like that.
i just almost wish i could give friends a 'feedback survey', like what they don't like about me, what i'm doing wrong. i know it's adult life. and i do have dear friends who are genuinely my family, unfortunately health and distance keep us physically apart. i just worry that eventually they'll be gone too, you know?
i feel like egotistical or attention seeking posting this. that's not my intent. i just wanted to get my thoughts out there. and idk, maybe someone will read this and understand the feeling. the human experience is really isolating
#personal stuff#long rambles#pls do not feel like you have to read or reply#i don't wanna put anyone off or put someone in a headspace#i just needed to voice my thoughts i guess verbalize them in some way#PROCESS THEM i guess idk i am not in therapy#i will not do this often i promise#preferably not ever again lol
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Wanted to write a quick noirpunk blurb but now I'm 4 pages in and actually considering making it a full blown fic instead.
I don't think it would be that long but I've still got a couple of things to add so I feel like I might just make it a fic at this point.
#it was originally just going to be me writing down a concept for a story#and then writing down the stuff that could/would happen in said scenario#but then I ended up writing dialogue for some of it and now I might just finish what I've started lol#I guess it depends on if I feel like I can write it all in a satisfying way#since I've never written noirpunk before#but I like the concept I've come up with so I'll definitely write more about it#I guess time will tell if it ends up as an actual fic or if it just stays as smaller segments making up the concept for a larger story#I haven't felt this motivated for writing something in a long time so that's nice#the process has been super fun and easy so far so I hope the motivation stays long enough for me to finish it lol#my post
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I’ve been wanting to make this for a while//
Basically that one painting that was referenced in the Buon San Valentino arc (’Italia und Germania’ by Overbeck), but they’re wearing suits because I love suits.
#hetalia#gerita#aph italy#aph germany#hws italy#hws germany#ary makes art#that Spaus art without lines was kinda an exercise to build up some confidence to make this although I didn't use the exact same technique#I guess I don't mind how it came out considering I'm pretty new to painting style ;w;#the background was kinda traced from the actual painting but honestly that didn't make the process any faster lmao#also I considered adding the flower/leaf crowns but idk they ended up feeling out of place to me so I didn't#while I was working on this it kept reminding me of a great GerIta fic I read some time ago by lady-lisa on ao3#I'll link it later I just LOVE vintage/historical stuff especially for some ships like GerIta and pre-WWs Germany is just adorable aaa#I mean before he got real scarred for life#and he was just some kind of prince out of a German 1800s novel
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I thought "Forest of Swords" was just a pretty name, but now knowing it's a punishment given by the Ten-Lords Commission I wonder how it links to Blade
#Fragments and scraps#I talk too much#It's the punishment given to the criminal whose capture marked the beginning of the alliance between the Xianzhou and the Foxians iirc#which makes me even more intrigued given the‚ well‚ everything#It's also restricted to name Jingliu to this criminal which is interesting but several of such criminals had this warning listed#So I wonder if there's any particularity here or if she was 'just' the one to apprehend these people#and the story is not much more interesting beyond that. I would love to know though#There are several mentions and names thrown in this that intrigue me very much. I think they make sense#such as Huaiyan being permitted always to visit the Flint Emperor or the marshal of the Xianzhou being the one dealing with Shuhu#but it makes me wonder about them too. Yingxing being the one designing a binding for the criminal that formed delusions to imprison them#in one of their own is very interesting and I'd love to know more about this story. The concept and process. But I guess this will be all#Jing Yuan's name being restricted to be called in front of the criminal they use for interrogations works so well#with how the criminal is being used in exchange for seven days of freedom yearly. That feels such a Jing Yuan move indeed. I loved it#There was a Memorysnatcher that tried to steal the general's memory and I wonder who that was since it wasn't specified#I guess Jing Yuan since we're in the Luofu? That was intriguing too. The previous general was also mentioned at some point#The fact they wonder whether Shuhu is the one in the box is extremely intriguing#especially in the context of what Jingliu said about what Yingxing did#The silence around Imbibitor Lunae is extremely intriguing too but it doesn't surprise me at all. I wonder if it has to be with Jing Yuan#Because that too is a very Jing Yuan move I think. And I love him for that. I adore how he deals with things#I don't talk about him all that much I think but he's one of my favourite characters. Probably my second favourite#I digress... Everything else intrigued me but didn't surprise me all that much#The 'Forest of Swords' mention‚ though‚ I wasn't expecting at all. And maybe I should have‚ given 'Shuhu's gift'#and the mention of being reborn from a husk. Apparently weightless details that later on got a lot of development and importance#I love that they got that treatment. I say this a lot but I truly adore how this game deals with details and how they get developed#ANYWAY this was a joy to read. I see genius craftman Yingxing being mentioned and a reference to Huaiyan existing at all and I go 🥺✨💕#I wonder if we'll ever meet Huaiyan. Oh‚ or see the Zhuming. I would love to#So many typos but I'm not sure I'll be fixing them. It's annoying#And sorry for not censoring but I go here to put down some thoughts while I play and it's such a hassle to remember to do so#Besides I always seem to forget doing so once or twice and that's enough for the post to appear in the tags anyway
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went back to the sketchbooks around when i was going through yyh for the first time in 2019 and found a pile of near-yearly sticky note updates about my relationship with the series next to my first yyh doodles, a page full of kuwabaras. thought it'd be fun to share
+ more thoughts and old yyh art below
(it's crazy i didn't find any kurama-centric pages for months bc i think he's the one i doodled in the margins of class notes and stuff the most. his hair's pwetty and he gives me the least trouble outta any of the main 4)
something i noticed while skimming the two sketchbooks i took these from was how mean i was to myself at the time about my art. i guess it hit me more because i don't really spend hours going through my old sketchbooks over and over to track my progress and growth like i used to quite often. i guess it was only a little after when my self esteem was lowest (8th grade, tale as old as time), but... idk. i knew back then that i'd grown a lot in the few years since i started drawing more seriously (that's why i looked through my art so much), but like... i guess that never translated into being nice to myself about it. i ended up going back through about ten more sketchbooks to find more yyh art, and in the coming years i'm glad to say that negativity in the margins went away. hell yeah
but even so, my love for yyh was a constant and effusive thing, as it is now. it's probably the oldest of my current media interests. i watched myself get into rgg and develop my ocs and watched others fade in and out, watched my style loop back on itself and go all over the place, passed by pages of writing about crushes and album releases and gender discoveries and my grandparents dying, all surrounded by little drawings of the characters i love. including kuwabara in a maid dress right next to my dead grandma grief rambling that one time (no i'm not kidding. my grandma died in like late 2020 and the page where i poured my heart out after finding out she was gone just trying to process everything had one with catboy maid dress kuwabara directly opposite it, who i'd drawn like the evening before she died in her sleep. he killed my grandma from like 100 miles away he was that powerful. that wasn't even the last time i drew him like that and i don't even care about catboys or maid dresses much. i think it was just a bigger meme and he was the guy i most associated with cats. i put that man in a situation and he fucking got her because the book couldn't contain him. some victor frankenstein shit. anyway)
i took about 150 pictures, most with multiple sketches. i decided not to add any more though bc 1) i posted some of them on old accounts but i don't remember which ones, and tbh i value my anonymity a little too much 2) All Of The Pictures Turned Out Bad in ways i don't feel like getting into but just trust me it's like 6 layers of fucked up illegible image bullshit 3) i found it hard to narrow it down to things i felt were indicative of the development or interesting or anything like that. idk. i figured it was an interesting exercise for me and it probably wouldn't really mean anything to anyone else. and that's ok :) it was nice anyway. i mostly mention it to be like Oh My God i've drawn these guys a lot and i STILL don't know what i'm doing... :| it's fun
however i did transcribe the notes i left:
7/9/19: yo it's been less than a week & i'm on ep. 80 wtf i love this show
8/14/20: 1/2way thru my 3rd watch (first dub, first [with older sibling]) & honestly still love it & kuwabara being the first one i drew makes me happy
7/28/21: i'm watching it w/ [younger sibling] now! 4th(ish) watch, 2nd time through the dub, which is so much better than the sub really elevates the text. we're at the semifinals of the DT, which means this is technically my 5th time through yyh up until that point but eh semantics anyway i still love & obsess over yyh! <3
1/14/24 (present day): hey, i'm rewatching yyh for the.. idk 5th or 6th time. still love it & never stopped. now i'm writing fic & drawing & posting about it. i have friends i talk to about it. [both siblings] have seen it. so much has changed, and so little, but it made me sad seeing how much i insulted my own art. i love you 2019 me. god knows you needed it
[+ this drawing]:
anyway. forever fornever. if you even care
#that's all. just kind of a personal post i thought was neat. skrunklore#skrunkart#yyh#yu yu hakusho#you can really feel the 14 y/o in a lot of the little notes and stuff but that too is part of the growth and change im trying to celebrate.#ripping my fingernails off about it but it needs to be done#also the hearts are because they love each other. and also me in like a cheering you on kinda way#ok more lore but around jr year i started feeling like my art was getting worse or at least stagnating and i kind of wished i could go back#to the era where a lot of that art is from bc there were little things i was better at and also bc i was much more prolific and adventurous#and while i'm sympathetic to it looking back after another couple of years it's like nah. no i was still growing i was just too close to se#like i'll be like oughh i haven't grown at all in years >:(( and then i'll look at the art i made over the course of 2023 and go oh nvm lol#some of it was more 'getting back into the swing of things' + traditional and tech issues being resolved but there was also growth#there is also stuff to be proud of and there always is and there always will be. that goes for you too reader#no matter what your art does or does not look like. i guess that's part of why im posting this too#part of what got me into visual art was seeing how people's art changed (sketchbook tours). it's cool and seeing that learning process so#well preserved and so easily analyzed kinda activated something in my brain. i think it got me past a lot of the 'im just not talented'#stuff a lotta ppl have that keeps them from drawing or sharing it or whatever. anyway art's cool i love art. gonna go draw now probably :D#ALSO really funny watching the way i drew myself change. all in ways that make sense but still funny to me. long hair glasses girl you'd#probably keel over if you saw what we look like now. hell yeah
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What can I bribe you with for a full fic of the old lovers au? (Or literally any of the time travel aus you keep teasing???)
I do plan on writing the Math Nerd AU next in all honesty. (It was gonna be what I wrote after You and Me, just us, and Y(Our) friend Kevin fic but then....Fluent Freshman tripped into my life as an idea I had while waiting around at work for my computer to finish updating lol)
The Old Flames AU was an ask that slipped into my inbox today so I don't really have anything for it in terms of planning / outline (I only really have a solid outline on Math Nerd, New Kings, and Andrew First and Andrew first is honestly the one that is the most nebulous). A lot of things I write that people request like that (here's an idea etc.) are me just thinking something up on the spot. (It is easy for shit like Amazing Race and GBBO because well.........it's just a season of the show but Andreil's there)
It's kind of a fun thing to write about when people ask for it but not something I have more solidly planned.
For me I gotta focus on one thing at a time or else something gets dropped (Looking at my poor Beware fic that I just...can't get ungoofy enough to write because of FF or worse I keep having FF show up and HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THEEERE)
I'm really enjoying WIP Wednesday kind of being the clusterfuck of requests for snippets since I actually end up writing a lot during it. So
I guess the only thing you can bribe me with is your patience and continued support? I am really having a hoot writing this stuff but also I've met me, I know that I gotta finish Fluent Freshman first or it just won't get finished.
#Ask#my writing process#But feel free to request some more Math Nerd AU on WIP Wednesday#I think I'll be keeping it on rotation for that for a while#Might let the Old Flames AU be on there this week instead of PJO#Who knows?#Maybe I'll do an open ask weekend during 4th since I've got a 4 day weekend but also#Lake Michigan be calling me to float around and drink Sangria#And I did just get that new Lapras Floatie#I've named her Tide#Gotta get that bad bitch in the lake#I'll be the ENVY of 10 year olds everywhere#Catch me ending up in Milwaukee on my Lapras because I fell asleep#I guess Lapras does know sing#This has gotten off topic#Long story short I have everything I want in life and therefore cannot be bribed
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