All my Attention part 3

warnings- swearing, mentions of a dildo, sexual tension, kissing, quite fluffy

words- 3.1k

If you'd like to read the previous parts → All my attention series

a/n- so if you're new here I am British and cannot speak any German, I speak a little French, Spanish and Italian but German- no. I also do not trust Google translate so this is gonna be like an avatar thing (if you've seen the newest one Jake says that their language just became normal or something along those lines) so in reality this is all in German, you as a reader know German but, its wrote in English... make sense? no... well, sorry this part has taken a while- I'm on holiday atm so I probably wont be posting till I'm home BUT I didn't want you to be without, also fucking thank you all so much for the response to the first and second part! I can't believe the response to it, I could've cried because im a baby , love you all 🤍

(also to the people who've sent requests they will be coming soon!)

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backstory- you are the 5th member of Tokio Hotel and you always thought the love was equally platonic between you and a certain guitarist... but what if that all changed?

"exactly what I said- we can't keep doing the same thing at every show" Georg spoke shovelling eggs into his mouth, the band and our runners, managers, directors, and everyone else who I didn't know exactly what they did for us... were all sat on tables eating breakfast before rehearsal "because I'm sorry if we go on tour I wont wanna blow my brain out because i'm playing by your side for the millionth time"

"yeah but there's a thing called a set list, we have to stick with it otherwise" Bill leaned closer into the table facing all of us "otherwise we'd get shit and we all know how Felix will react- we all remember last time" he had a point, Felix as nice as he can act is a massive cock, once in a performance we decided to all go to the front of that stage to say goodnight- but Felix didn't like that and he ended up cancelling our next 3 shows to 'teach us a lesson'

"even so" the bassist grumbled, the conversation fell short as we all continued to eat, I had a bowl of granola, greek yogurt, raspberries and strawberries, soon the scrapping of a chair pulled me from eating my breakfast, I looked up to see Tom in a huge black shirt and basketball shorts "hungry?" Georg joked seeing the pile of food on his friends plate

"a bit" Tom laughed grabbing part of a waffle "whats that?" he spoke looking at me, that was the first time he spoke to me since what happened only an hour before, I think we were both in a shock state still, but I also couldn't deny how good it felt

"granola, yogurt and fruit" I spoke back digging my spoon into the mix and pulling it back so he could have a taste, he bent forward taking the food and hummed

"Tha actuwally gwood" he spoke mouth still full

"ew Thomas swallow for fucks sake!" I spat seeing him nearly choke the food back up "Tom!" I called pushing myself away from the table "whats wrong with you" I laughed I look to see the rest of the boys laughing as well at his stupidity

"we can't go anywhere nice with you two" Bill commented throwing a napkin to his brother who wiped his mouth and finished his laugh

"sorry- I don't know why that was so funny to hear you say" he snorted, I finally sat back in my place next to Gustav who was eating his food with a smile

"all I said was swallow your food" I argued back looking at the guitarist

"normally me saying that to girls-" I rolled my eyes at his words but everyone else chuckled along, after another half an hour (mostly so Tom could finish his monstrous plate) we were bringing our bags down from the hotel room to put in the bus, we all got in the lift which I don't think was made for 5 people, and 2 of those 5 being over six foot tall

"can you move over I can't fucking breath" I spoke shoving Bill back bit

"now I can't breath you cunt!" Bill called back pushing me back laughing, soon the intercom spoke and the doors opened and I made my way out but was soon tackled by the black haired singer

"BILL WHAT THE FUCK" I shouted with a laugh, I crawled from his grip and began running away seeing him get up to and following my movement "AHHH!" I screamed turning a corner and then slipping past a cleaner cart

"Y/N COME HERE!" I herd Tom voice shout as I sprinted to him with his twin hot on my tail, I watched him open his hotel room and I ran as quick as I could into it and slammed the door spitting out a chuckle hearing the boy hit the door

"BITCH!" Bill sang followed by his own laugh and steps faded away from the door, I sat on Tom's bed and lay my head back into the sheets catching my breath hearing the door open again

"you good now?" He asked smiling at me "I didn't realise you were that fast- I swear you weren't when we were kids"

"excuse me! people change" I answered kicking him slightly, he grabbed my ankle stopping me from moving anymore- I melted at his touch which wasn't a usual thing

"mhm, you changed in a good way babe don't worry about it" he flirted looking down at me the smile changing into a smirk

"you're in a very odd mood today mr Kaulitz" I spoke sitting myself as he let go of my ankle

"only for you-" he leant down, pressing his head on mine "and if I remember properly, who moaned when we kissed earlier? hum?" his hand was now resting on the base of my neck "who was it Y/n?"

"I don't know Tom" I answered seeing him bite his lip at my words "maybe you imagined it?" we always played around, flirting but this was different... very different

"I have a fucking good imagination then don't I?" Tom pulled away slightly, his his fingers brushed my skin as he let go and he held my chin, lifting my face to look up to him "....I prefer looking at you like this" I blushed at his words, they made me feel soft

"bet you say that to all the girls" he seethed rolling his eyes

"only the special ones...and you're really special!"

"way to ruin a mood" I huffed

"I'm joking Y/n/n, you just look hot below me ts'all" his hand held me tighter and he bent to reach my lips, he pressed hard humming into the feeling and sucked my bottom lip causing me to have to hold back any noise I threatened to make as I didn't want a repeat of earlier "I better get packing" he spoke pulling back creasing my cheek with his thumb leaving me with a unfulfilled feeling

"yeah.." I pouted, he looked back down at me and grinned

"god don't look at me like that... fuck- stop now, I've gotta pack" I stood with him as he turned to grab a tossed shirt from the floor, his hand glided down my thigh leaving a trail of goosebumps- he knew what he was doing, making me blush and shudder as his hand left me "oopsie"

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we all sat backstage kicking our heals as the crowd arrived, but we also knew the crowd was special- our families were watching us tonight, I decided I'd wear a more appropriate outfit (not like my family hadn't seen pictures of me in mini-skirts and tube tops saying 'pouty') I looked alot like Tom, my baggy jeans hanging around my hips with a matching tank top to him "5 minuets!" a runner called making us all rise from our places

"excited?" Georg smiled shoving me lightly

"I can't wait" I spoke pinning around to the music that began, Bill looked back at me with a smile followed by a wink

"3...2...1" Felix called and Tom, Bill entered the stage erring a eruption from the crowd "go!" Georg and I walked on and smiled seeing the sea of fans watching us with grins plastering their faces and finally Gustav entered

"GOOD EVENING TRIER" Bill called holding the mic close "ARE YOU EXCITED!" though the lights were blinding I could make out the shapes of bodies from my place "ugh we have a show n' a half for you all tonight, and this show is very special to us- one, this is our last show here in the lovely Trier and- most importantly our biggest fans are here tonight" the lights moved to the box above the crowd and for the first time in weeks I saw them: mom, dad, Stella, the Kaulitz, Listing and Schäfer family, I nearly cried waving to them and blowing them kisses "so tonight is going to be the best show we've ever done guys! ARE YOU READY" I watched as my family cheered and little Stella clapped her hands. Tom's guitar began the start of Scream followed by Gustav and Bill ran back to main stage, the crowd danced and jumped along "SCREAM" they called back to us at every chorus making me laugh.

The night carried on and everything was going amazingly, and it came time for me to take centre stage, I brought my mic and herd people call my name "so- this is our newest piece of music, I originally wrote when I was in a very bad place, and as you all know I'm back up singer so usually I don't perform up here- so close to everyone so I'm a little nervous but.. but it means a lot to me so.. this is 'please don't jump'" claps filled the room and Tom joined me giving me a nod as he plucked away followed by Gustav and Georg, Bill was in the corner sipping a water watching me like a proud dad

I let my self get lost in the music, stomping my feet and twirling around "don't let memories go! of me and you" I sang watching my family stare in awe, I began up stage onto the platform where I stood teetering on the edge, all lights went off besides the one on me "PLEASE DON'T JUMP! DON'T JUMP, AND IF ALL THAT CAN'T HOLD YOU BACK, THEN I'LL JUMP FOR YOU" I finished bowing to the crowd who burst out with claps, screams and calls making me jump at the sudden noise

"Y/N Y/N Y/N!" people began to chant making me well up, Gustav ran up the platform steps holding my hand gently so I could get down the steps as it was tricky in platforms, hand in hand we met with Tom who smiled widely mouthing 'they're proud' I looked to see my mom whistling, soon the five of us stood at the tip of that walkway, people reached for us, calling us all over

"THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!" we all shouted bowing once more as the light darkened, we all walked off and back to our room where there were drinks set out and towel "shit Im so thirsty" Georg spoke grabbing the bottle and cracking it open as we all took our first proper breath and relaxed

"erm- sorry I know you got off stage but someones hear" Gayle, my runner spoke holding the door open a little more

"BABA!" a small voice called, I looked down to see Stella dressed in a Tokio Hotel shirt and orange leggings running toward me, her blonde hair tied into piggy tails

"STELLA!" I cried falling to my knees pulling her into my arms "oh my god I missed you so much" I whispered into her neck, her bright eyes looked into mine and I couldn't let go of her, I pressed kisses to her chubby cheeks

"Oh my- Y/n dear! another voice came in and I snapped my head to see my mother, tear stained face reaching for me, I watched as Stella ran onto Gustav who picked her up hugging her tightly and I ran to my mom who was closely followed by the rest of our families "sunshine I missed you!"

"I missed you too mom" I cried as she stroked my hair away from my face, she let go and I turned to see my dad who had Tom in a bro-hug

"aww hello Poppy!" he spoke, I nearly fell apart hearing my nickname again, and he grabbed me into the hug "aw that was amazing kids" he spoke letting go of us, I stood speaking with them until I herd the voice of my sister

"Tommy!" she laughed and everyones faces snapped to her

"SHE SAID MY NAME!" The dreadheaded boy called lifting her into his arms and tickling her "ME BEFORE BILL!" he danced seeing her smile

"Hey! Stella I thought you liked me more!" Bill huffed squishing the cheeks of her face

"am I the better twin?...yeah! I know" Tom scoffed bouncing her on his hip, our families laughed and all began hugging each other

"darlings that show was fantastic and the crowd! I couldn't believe it" Simone, the twins mom smiled "I couldn't be more proud"

"thanks mom" Bill hugged pressing a kiss to her cheek "wait..erm hold on!" we all watched as the singer ran out calling for something, I turned to see Stella smiling and reaching for all the boys, Tom, Georg and Gustav were sat on the floor singing songs and twirling her around, the song finished and Stella did a bow making the boys laugh at her antics

"Baba!" the little blonde called reaching for me, Tom realised and quickly scooped her up so she was lying on her tummy with her arms out she began airplane sounds (but kept interrupting herself with her chuckles) "Brrrrrrrrr!" she grinned showing her two small teeth

"aww my baby airplane" I spoke reaching for her as Tom got closer, the two reached me and I took my sister from his arms spinning her while pressing a kiss to her cheek again "you're a very cute plane Stella"

"Plane!" she repeated getting a 'yeah a plane' from the guitarist who couldn't stop smiling

"Okay... everyone come stand over here were getting a photo!" Bill came back in grabbing his family, the line up was the Kaulitz' far left, then my family the Y/l/n's, then the Schäfer's and finally Listing's "We want a few!" Bill called to the person holding the camera

"1...2....3" everyone did a wide smile, even Stella knew what was going on "perfect, do you want another one of these then we can do different stuff like.. the point?" its like a lightbulb went off it the taller twins head

"okay yes... then the point, then serious faces, then one with us 5 a bit more infront of our families, then on chairs" he rambles while setting us all back out for the next 3000 photo's we'd be taking

I don't think I've ever herd the numbers 1,2 and 3 said so much in my life but after half an hour the pictures were finally done and in fairness they looked great "well we best get going" Christine, Georg's mom spoke grabbing her bag

"oh.." we began before Simone whispered something to her husband

"why don't you all come stay round ours? we can have a family night, drinks, games, food" me and the band cheered, quickly grabbing our stuff and getting ready to walk out- we knew that today being a day show, fans would be waiting for us- we decided the safest option was to give our families over to security along with our bags and walk out on our own

"okay Stella we'll see you in a little while okay?" I hugged her once more before giving her over to dad who was carrying her out, we waited till we knew they were in their cars and I came the time we'd be walking out, with one last check of the room we began outside, screams filled our ears, people threw flowers to us, cards, papers and... thongs- but we picked the flowers up. a few people grabbed at my clothing but besides that it was a safe 3 minuet walk from the building to the bus

"they were loud" Gustav spoke getting into his favourite seat, at the very back on the left "Georg come sit!" he called to the bassist who jumped through the seats, leaving Bill who liked sitting in the front then me and Tom sat in the middle two seats

"god I fucking loved that show" I spoke belting myself in, Tom did the same and our hands brushed- its not something that many would really worry about, it was an accident.. but I could help go hot at the feeling

"it was so good, I feel like we'll be in Felix's good books" the dreaded boy spoke getting a nod from the band, we finally began the drive home, it would only take around an hour and a half so I got myself comfy which meant me resting my legs over Tom- this was a normal thing as usually sometime around the trip we'd switch and I can accidentally put my cold drink on his legs while he's asleep definitely not making him yelp- no not at all...

"can you take my shoes off, you're closer" I spoke tapping his shoulder and with a huff he began unlacing the platforms, I sighed at the feeling of my feet going light and not having to lug those shoes around any more "thanks bab" I called leaning my head back, Tom got comfy to, scooting deeper into the seat and his hands lay on my legs drawing small shapes and humming a long to whatever song was on the radio

"wanna know something crazy?" He asked looking over at me to which I nodded "I haven't fucked a girl since Tuesday, and its Friday now" I pretend to be shocked, slapping my hands to my face

"holy shit! that is crazy!" he rolled his eyes "I can't even remember when I last fucked someone- probably around my birthday" I sighed slightly annoyed, not that I'm some sex freak who needs to be constantly fucked to live but... my birthday is in February and its now July

"damn... how do you go that long?" Georg spoke uncrossing his arms, being genuinely interested

"Notta clue... I-"

"Y/n I know whats in the back draw in your room" Bill turned showing a sinister smile

"Bill!" I called knowing exactly what he was on about

"ooo" the boys cooed making me go red, Bill laughed even harder pointing at my face "aww! she's embarrassed about her dil-"

"BILL SHUT IT!" I shouted flinging my empty water bottle at him making him cackle throwing his pillow at me

"IT'S BLACK!" He called and the 4 boys Burt out laughing again spluttering words and coughing at how much they were laughing

"oh my god you are all dicks!" I groaned trying to push myself as far back into my seat as I could, I even took my legs down from Tom who I could realised but I was way to embarrassed to give him a 'look'

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"he traffic isn't moving so were going to be a little later to the Kaulitz" Gregory our driver spoke facing us

"ugh" we all collectively sighed, its been over 30 minuets of just stand-still traffic, cars horns went off but nothing was moving and being a warm day in a quite packed van it was getting hot

we'd moved past the dildo conversation thanks to Tom who made a fool of himself by spilling water all down his shirt- I did wonder though, was it on purpose? to take away the attention from me... but anyways whatever it was, or even just it was an accident- my legs were back on his and he continued to draw little shapes

"I'm going to sleep" Bill spoke looking back to which we gave a nod, by we I mean me and Tom as the other two fell asleep a few minuets back, the van sound turned quiet as the radio was turned off

"wanna play a game?" Tom spoke quietly

"sure, which game?" I asked seeing a little grin appear to his face

"erm... eye spy?"

Undertale Yellow Car Headcanons

A while ago, I saw a post concerning what kinda cars the characters of the RGG/Yakuza/Judgement franchise would drive, and I really wanted to do one for Undertale Yellow's characters. Imagine this taking place in some Post-Pacifist scenario or Deltarune-esque AU where Monsters are living on the surface.

Note, if I left someone out, it's because I couldn't think up anything. If you have your own headcanons, feel free to share them!

Dalv: City Car

Dalv in my HCs gets a smol car. First of all, because it'd just be cute for him to be driving around in one. Second of all, I think something small and low-key would fit his nature. He wants to fit in and not stick out like a sore thumb. He's a calm, responsible driver.

Martlet: Never got her license

I mean, we all know how much of a girl failure Martlet is. Do you seriously trust her behind the wheel of a car? Besides, she can fly so it's hardly a hinderance to her. If she really needs a ride for some reason, I imagine she just hits up Dalv, Starlo, or Ceroba for one.

Starlo: Chopper Motorcycle

Now Starlo really wanted to own a horse but came to the crushing realization of just how hard it is to get your hands on one in the modern day, so he settled on the closest thing. It took him a bit, but he really grew to love his motorcycle and likes to give Clover and Kanako rides on it. He does his best to follow the road laws, but his tendency to speed has gotten him quite a few tickets.

Ceroba: Red Hummer

Because. dude, this car kicks ass and she can watch Madagascar while she's driving!

...alright in all seriousness...

Ceroba: Family Sedan

Ceroba is pretty humble with her choice of vehicles. Despite her fairly wealthy background, she doesn't feel the urge to signify her status with something really flashy. All she needs is something that gets her, Kanako, and anyone else she's driving from point A to point B. Generally cool-headed on the road but has brief moments of rage at points in form of colorful language or flipping the bird...usually while forgetting Clover and Kanako are in the car with her.

Clover and Kanako: Literal Children

Granted, Starlo did want to give them early driving lessons, but Ceroba very quickly shot that idea down. If they need to get anywhere, Kanako has her mom and Clover has whoever's acting as their parental figure that day.

Ed: Some Kinda Jeep

Or any type of big car really. Ed would probably be the actual Hummer owner of the cast. He needs something big and fearless!...and also something that fits his absolutely gigantic frame comfortably.

Moray: Convertible

Honestly, dunno where I came up with this one. I think it just fits Moray's style. I imagine they just really like feeling the wind against their face as they drive.

Ace: Porsche

Again, more something I just kinda came up with for Ace. He was hard to figure out, but I settled on something sleek and expensive. Where would he get the money for something like this? From all the G he and his friend pooled together after Clover got their ass handed to them at Six Shooter! (no, I'm not speaking from experience. What makes you think that?)

Mooch: Nada

Same as Martlet. If she somehow got a license, she ended up doing something that got it revoked within mere days. If she needs a ride, she hits up one of the other members of the Feisty Five.

Dina: Muscle Car

Tough car for a tough gal! I just have the fun mental imagine of Dina driving fast on an open road while blasting "Beat the Devil's Tattoo" on her radio. Sometimes, Ceroba joins in on it.

And that's all that comes to mind atm. Hope ya guys enjoy this little segment.

New

A/n: I just want to create a little long series to feel like I'm part of the team cause I have nothing good going on in my life atm lol, I hope you enjoy with me.

Summary: you're the new member of the team, so it's quite hard to try to fit in.

Warnings: none

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I finally made it, my uncle got me the job at the BAU. All of my things are already at my desk in the office.

-

- "just a few things, no pictures, not even plants, she's probably a loner, a tough, serious girl"

-

I came in through the door with a big smile and very very excited.

-

- "she's probably going to be very serious and dark, I mean, even Derek has some stuff in his desk"

-

I didn't know who this dark woman was, I stopped behind her, waiting for her to stop talking so I can introduce myself.

- "... She's right behind me isn't she?"

The woman turned around and I smiled and waved.

- "Hi, my name is y/n, nice to meet you", I smiled, waiting for them to say their names.

- "I'm Jennifer Jareau", we shook hands.

- "I'm Spencer Reid", he just waved at me from afar and I did the same.

- "I'm Emily Prentiss", i shook hands with the dark haired woman.

- "it's so nice meeting you all, but if you excuse me, I need to go talk with the boss"

They nodded and I walked to my uncle's office. I wasn't sure if my uncle said that he was my uncle, he probably didn't based on the conversation earlier.

I knocked on the door.

- "come in"

- "Hi"

He smiled and said hello.

- "you'll be meeting the team very soon, but maybe not in the best circumstance, we have a case" he said walking through the door. I quickly followed him.

I sat at the round table, between the Jennifer and Spencer. Next to Spencer was who I assume is Derek, and showing us pictures of the case who I assume is Penelope.

My uncle always talked about them, that's why it was such an honor to finally meet them.

I noticed that Spencer didn't have a tablet like everyone else, and I wondered why.

- "why don't you have a tablet like the rest?"

- "I prefer feeling the paper". I just nodded and went back to my tablet. "You probably think it's weird..."

- "not at all, how can I get folder instead of a tablet? Who do I have to ask to?"

He pointed at the lady in front of us, Penelope. I thanked him and went back to my tablet.

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Spencer's pov

she seemed nice, not at all like Emily described her. Which is why I don't like to judge a book by it's cover. Maybe she likes books, I'll ask her later.

I find interesting how easily she was to talk with. She seems so nice... Why am I thinking about her so much?

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Y/n's pov

The presentation finished and everyone stood up, me at last because I didn't know what to do.

Then I felt a pair of arms around me.

- "hello", she let go of me, "I've heard so many good things about you, it's so good to finally meet you, I'm Penelope"

I smiled.

- "I'm y/n"

- "I know, I know, now good luck on your first case"

She was so nice, so apparently one person already knew about Hotch being my uncle, and of course it was Penelope.

-

I finally got the chance to fly in the so famous bau jet. I wanted to hide my excitement but I think I failed.

- "hi, pretty lady, I'm Derek Morgan"

I couldn't control my face when he called me pretty lady, I was hella confused, but to hide it I quickly smiled and shook his hand.

- "hi, pretty man, I'm y/n y/l/n", I smiled sarcastically. I caught Spencer laughing in the corner of my eye.

- "touché" he said before going to have a seat.

I didn't know where to sit.

- "wherever you want", said Rossi almost laughing at me for my indecisiveness.

- "I know", I said scrunching my nose.

I sat next to Spencer. He was reading a book. And was the only one who wasn't next to the window, so I could appreciate the view.

And I must say, it was amazing. Everything seemed so small and so big at the same time. And I definitely felt big.

-"1984"

-"you've read it?"

-"not yet, I started to read it, I'm like in page... forty something"

-"I'm almost finishing it, it's really intersting how..."

-"I don't want spoilers", I said quickly, making him laugh.

-"I'm sorry, I have a thing for rambling", he said making a cute face and returning to his book.

-"you're... reading?"

He turned around confused and nodded.

-"how are you reading if you're barely looking at the page before jumping to the next one"

-"I can read very fast", he said smiling.

-"like a superpower?"

He laughed and nodded.

-"cool... Is there a trick to learn how to do that?"

-"read a lot I guess"

-"Is there an easier trick to learn how to do that?"

He laughed again. His laugh was beautiful, but he was my coworker and I had to respect that. Tho, I really liked his style.

Hotch stood up and started to speak.

-"Ok team, let's start"

they all started by pointing the things that were most obvious about the case, the possible motives and takes about everything we had in our tablets.

-"what do you think, y/n?"

-"huh?" I turned confused at Rossi

-"what else can you see through your noobie eyes?"

-"His left handed"

-"true..." said Spencer reading from his folder, I liked the way he ran his fingers through the page, his hands were very pretty too.

-"great job", said Hotch. "Derek and JJ go to the station, Rossi and Emily you go to the first and second crime scene, Spencer, Y/n and I, we're going to the morgue".

-"Yes!", I whispered to myself.

-"you like the morgue?"

-"never been to one"

-"yeah... keep that exciment for now", Spencer returned to his book.

Your last post, about edging and sending, is so fucking evil. You probably don't even have a clue. That happened to me with another Domme. I thought it was just a fun way of combining gooning and financial domination. It was so much worse. It nearly ruined my life. The denial kept me wired constantly. Could only sleep for an hour or two at a time, before I would wake up horny and confused. I would hold off and tell myself not to send today. But the arousal would keep building. Then I would suddenly see something that triggered me and I say to myself "I'll just send $1 a bunch of times. Just keep sending till I reach the edge." Of course, after stopped, I was even more insanely horny and desperate than before. And much more likely to do it again a few minutes later.

Gradually it started feeling lame, but by that time I already spend a few 100s and I did not want to cum and quit. I was "invested" in it. However, the edges were hard to get and less satisfying than ever.

I started sending $5 sends instead. That made it more intense. I'd send 6-7 times and get to the edge that way. But one time I accidentally double tapped and typed $55.

Instead of deleting the extra digit, I froze. Something in my head told me: "Fuck! If I sent $55 that would be so FUCKING INTENSE!". I was still stroking while thinking this and that didn't give me time to think clearly. At that point, either I would stop or press the the "pay" button. Fuck CA, I hate that app. Ruined my life.

I hit pay.

A flood of adrenaline hit me like a brick wall. I was sweating, heartbeat fast like crazy, couldn't breath. What the fuck did I do? I payed $55 just to stroke my cock a couple of times. Fucking idiot.

I literally threw my phone away from me. I was pissed at myself. What a fucking waste of money!

But my cock was throbbing so hard. Instant edge. Had to stop in fact, but it was like I stayed on the edge for a good ten minutes after, without touching.

Looking back it was such a rush. I don't think anything could beat that. Except there was something that could.

I forced myself to get up and do other things and clear my head. Swore never to do any of that shit again. Domme shrugged and told me to go ahead and take a break.

Jerked off like a maniac and came 9 times in 2 days. I thought that was the end of it.

Next week, I was back. Same rules. No touching unless I am actively sending. No orgasms only edging. She said "you will be a mindless ATM". I actually thought that was hot. Fucking moron!!

I thought this time I'd be more careful. Keep the sends small. Be cool. Just a hot way to make the edge more intense. Wasn't working though. I mean it worked just enough to keep me hooked, but not enough to give me any lasting satisfaction.

I would start with $5 sends. Between typing the numbers, choosing the recepient, pressing pay (fuck the shape of that pay button is still branded in my mind's eye), hit confirm a bunch of times, I could stroke for maybe 10 seconds before it was time to stop... or send again.

Of course I needed to do it again. After the third or fourth time, things would start get going. By going I mean, the voice in my head would start saying: "double it, it will make it so much more intense! Do it, I dare you!" I would try to argue, resist, but then something else would happen. I'd started spacing out.

Probably because of sleep deprivation, or all the hypno stuff I watched for years, I started getting in the habit of basicaly trancing out. Fuck, I wasn't even looking at porn. It was just an app with numbers, and I was jerking off to it while my mind would go blank. I would quickly turn into a fucking zombie. And soon I'd send $10 a couple of times. Instant rush, but not enough to get to the edge. Then I'd send $20. I could not stop myself. I had to continue and gradually send more until I reached the edge. I tried to stop before I reach the edge a few times, but it did nothing for me. Worst than nothing, it was like I wasted the opportunity and money for no reason. No, I HAD to get to the edge.

Long story short. I ended up with a routine. Wake up in the middle of the night. Start stroking and sending $5 dollars. Then start doubling till I reached an edge. Each edge would end up costing me $400 to $1000. I would edge fall asleep. Wake up an hour later, do it again. 3-4 times a night and more during the day. And the "sessions" would only take a minute or two. It was fucked. I was fucked. I was so so fucked. I still am. I am so fucking triggered right now just writing this. I want to do it again. But I am broke and that's the only thing keeping me from relapsing. I have to cum 3-4 times a day just to keep myself from spiraling. Lost over 30K I think and I hate myself. This fucking ruined my life. I will NEVER be able to have normal sex. I will always crave to chase that thrill. Nothing else comes even close. It's like jerking off at the edge of a cliff with a gun pointed at my head. Gooning is a joke compared to the massive dopamine hit I got from this. This shit should be illegal.

You probably won't post this, but you should go fuck yourself for posting about this stuff. I pray to god nobody else ever tries it.

lol... that's hot.

Anyway: Send

Hiii! Huge fan of your Hanella series! Im doing a The Fall rewatch atm and love the moment Stella comes over and kisses Archie Panjabis character in front of that guy. Idk how to describe it… Possessive isn’t the right word for the moment but I find the confidence so sexy. Do you think Hank has ever experienced her be that bold and forward in public with him before?

Hello, and thank you. What's behind this cut is a lot of word vomit, so read at your own risk.

Please first allow me to preface the explanation that follows here with the fact that I actually put in way too much character analysis into both Hank and Stella when I was coming to the decision years ago of whether or not to continue with these stories or just keep it as that one-shot, one-night stand that reluctantly became two. I did not in any way expect the overwhelmingly positive response to the pair as I got and I wasn't going to continue if it was only to make them international fuck buddies, becauase...boring. If I couldn't find it in them to build up a relationship within the series, I wasn't going to do it. So, I sat with it for quite a bit, stewing on their strengths and weaknesses and what would pull them together, but also keep them apart. So, these are my opinions on The Fall and Stella, but in now way a judgment of them, because they are what they are. There are honestly plenty of things I don't like about both Stella and Hank as characters, or how they respond to certain things (even within my own series) but if I stopped them from doing things that I don't necessarily like or agree with, it wouldn't be truthful for the characters.

That being said, I don't feel the same way about the moment with Reed as you do (and trust me, I know I'm probably in a minority of one when I say that). What Stella was doing in that moment was meant to intimidate, to take power, to have an upper hand over the guy speaking to Reed, as well as to seduce. That scene actually makes me sad and uncomfortable to think that she would put another woman in that position of having to deal with unwanted advances - and actually she was caught between either accepting the kiss to get a guy to leave the table, or embarrass Stella by pushing her away. It's stomach-churing for me. Whenever it comes up in a rewatch, I cringe at how awkward it looks and that I don't want to see someone who doesn't want that kiss, to have to take it. It's predatory. If Stella was some guy coworker of Reed's who did that, I would feel the exact same way. The only real point in Stella's favor that I can give her is for what follows - she respects that when Reed says no, she can't, she doesn't try to convince her otherwise, she leaves it at that. Let me reiterate here, this is not me passing a judgment on Stella or anyone who got something different out of that scene. It's how I feel about that scene and what needs to be explained to answer the question.

So, in terms of that above motivation, the thing is that she's never had to take power over Hank or seduce him. And that's one of the reasons why Stella's hang-up about public displays of affection as well as overcoming those hang-ups are a theme throughout the Hanella universe - because this relationship is different for her. She keeps that overt boldness private for them, because it's for them and not for anyone else and she doesn't have to weaponize it. I think part of what makes their relationship work in my mind is that they can inherently cancel out the more unappealing aspects of their personalities, but they've still had to put in the work to get past their baggage.

One of the things I remember that I leaned on heavily to develop Stella's character in this series, and move past The Fall, is the conversation with the doctor (whose name escapes me because all I could think of when I saw him was JEFFREY FROM COUPLING!!!!!). I remember that quiet conversation with Doctor NotJeffrey being the most telling about how lonely she is and how hard she's worked to push people out of her life. And those were the kinds of things that I knew that I could work with - knew that I wanted to work with. That, combined with the last shot of her alone in her kitchen after the whole ordeal is what made me believe that she was capable of more than fleeting one-night stands and could be ready to form a connection with someone.

I also think the Working Hard stories within the series are probably the closest to any public boldness Hank has gotten from her, but because they're both in on the game and she's given herself permission to have fun with it.

I'm sorry for the long ramble and I know you probably wanted me to say yes!!! one time he was waiting for her at a bar and she walked up when he wasn't looking and grabbed his dick through his jeans and cocked her head to the side and he knew it meant 'let's get out of here' and they fucked against the brick wall in the alley and then went back in and had a drink, but I really, really do take these two very seriously and I do have reasons for why they are the way they are.

Too seriously, I know.

i'm doing a lot lately to try and mediate the toxic feelings of resentment, betrayal and paranoia in my life. i am upset at how I've been treated, fair enough, but I lose the moral high ground (truly, or in the eyes of others) by getting too obsessively angry about stuff. my long-suffering followers will all have seen me dump some bile on this blog.

anyway, temporarily quitting drinking, even though I don't regard myself as an alcoholic (although that depends on definition...), has really, really helped. alcohol really allows the mind to magnify annoyance and create toxic thinking patterns. i'd go out to the pub, talk about stuff to try and get it off my chest, become enraged, vindictive and self-pitying, then continue to think like that for weeks.

initially i quit alcohol specifically to avoid those nights where I'd be really tearing into someone who wasn't there, or collapsing in on myself. i felt an argument with a friend coming and didn't want it to happen drunk (I don't think it'll happen at this point). but i think not drinking is helping with my anger on a day to day basis as well.

i haven't drunk anything stronger than 0.5% (and those only rarely) for a month, and besides two days I did the same in January (the bottle of wine i bought tasting like expired Ribena helped me stay off it) before deciding to do so again after seeing what drinking was doing to me. I'm not concerned about the volume of alcohol I drink week on week - for me, personally, drinking has become bad where it previously wasn't necessarily, because of the way it makes me feel and act. there's been other phases of this earlier in my life. drinkig is not reliably fun or even okay when I have a lot of unresolved issues and immediate living-situation problems which are weighing heavily on my mind. atm, i'm more likely to get angry and/or depressed when drinking than I once was.

going out and socialising with my friends who always drink whenever they meet is now, arguably, easier, even though I don't do it as much. that's a lot to do with drama, and a boredom with pubs I felt long before i quit drinking.

i am neurodivergent and i frequently get overwhelmed by noise and crowds on nights out, and that probably happens more now that I'm "sober" (more on that later.). possibly. as i've written this i've realised it's more complicated. whatever way you slice it, overall, things are better.

now initially, i felt like I'd lost my main defence against being overwhelmed by quitting drinking, but now I'm not so sure. thinking back, I'd often have moments on nights where, because I couldn't for example hear anything anyone was saying, I'd lose my drunken energy and become anxious and depressed. that must, at times, have prefigured me being johnny buzzkill to everyone else. a few times it definitely made me go home early, and then miss out on fun, which I'd initially viewed as a drawback of not drinking. when not drinking, I do go home earlier as a rule (it's for reasons more complex than a lack of beer, and once again, more on that later) but I feel, so far, like the feeling of being overwhelmed, or of having embarrassed myself, is equally easy to overcome, likely easier.

without drinking it is easier for me to become overwhelmed by say, my friends having an overly animated conversation (three minutes of "YOU DO IT! I BOUGHT THE LAST THREE ROUNDS!" "YEAH ON MY CARD!" "FUCK YOU!" would have been funny to drunk me, but it was unnerving without alcohol), which sucks. but the feeling i get from that isn't as bad as the "urgh my life's a toilet sitting here saying the same crap while the world burns to death hey that's a punk band these guys aren't real punks listening to this indie poser shit but then i'm not a real punk either i suck" etc thinking that will occur when i'm drunk and overwhelmed by something different.

as implied, i am a reluctant stoner, which you'd think would make hanging out with drunk people easier, but I increasingly don't think it does; it's context-dependent at best. for you see, for me that shit is, at this point, like using a dodgy anti-depressant medication that you can get nicked for having, as opposed to it being something that makes me euphoric, which is what alcohol generally does when my mental health isn't terrible. attempting to get euphoria off le grenoise will generally result in my getting too stoned, which for me has most of the same pitfalls (differently expressed) as getting too drunk. that said, it would take a huge amount for me (personally; pissed-off cannabis users are indeed out there, and they're super-duper pissed) to fly into an angry rant while stoned. however, what I really want is to be able to manage these emotions well in a state of sobriety, not to be reliant on smoking weed for it (easier said than done when you're deep into it like me). that's the main reason I aim to go fully sober for at least a couple of months before resuming drinking (which I will be approaching very differently), so I remember how to do stuff without self-medication, and put some skills i've learned while self-medicating (from anger management resources and such) into practice.

the end of that last paragraph was arguably the most important part of this piece on some level. but also, to get back to the matter of the left-handed cigarettes, because you can't just spark up wherever you want, that creates a reason to leave certain events, having to walk somewhere secluded (which is actually kind of a nice mid-party cool-down ritual you could do without a drug problem) to smoke, or leave events entirely where it's not possible to carry pre-rolls around with you. I'm also showing up to stuff later because i get stoned to prep myself and then find i'm disorganised and losing track of time for some reason. having to rush home from work to smoke, and then rush back into town to go out, also fucking sucks. I don't view biffters as negatively as i view alcohol, in terms of how it effects me, or how it effects others. but unnecessary dependency on anything for any reason is dick, and relying on it as a medication which i'm not actually allowed to have is unworkable for me.

so in terms of where i'm at now, even though I am smoking weed, for me that's closer to sobriety, and on a lot of nights out I start a little red round the eyes but am sober by the end, and guess what, it's okay. i go home earlier, but again that's mostly to smoke a joff, which hopefully won't be an issue in a couple of months. and the fact I'm going to places, and staying there when i can't freely use substances for the duration of my visit, is impressive.

recently i went to a gig, where i had a constructive conversation with my housemate and former close friend who's been central to my MH decline and quitting drinking. i made nice with someone i'm unsure of, found someone i thought didn't like me does, enjoyed all three bands. i had an awkward interation with someone i am allowed to hate by my friends, but for complex reasons would rather get on with, but there was no spiralling after that. or after a stranger was randomly hostile to me in a crowd, I didn't get angry (although when her companion apologised, I gently but sarcastically said "have fun" after "it's alright", which was unnecessary). and it was all fine. i had to think heavy thoughts but they were easier to deal with. i drank two pints of pepsi and couldn't sleep, but fuck it it's a learning curve, now i know not to do that. it was a good night

Can u make whitty whisper sweet nothings into bf’s ear plz?

well here's something

he's kinda whispering something that bf's enjoying somewhat I guess idk ha

Jesper Fahey taking care of his s/o headcanons

A/n: Guys I think I forgot how to do headcanons

Request: are you taking requests atm? if yes, you write basically jesper fahey taking care of reader after a long day? thank you and ily

Warnings: I don't think so??? Like obv. normal SoC warning but either that that...

(Pronouns used: No pronouns)

- So it was a long day to say the least

- Not only did you have to do a heist you had to run a million errands for Kaz

- It just wasn't your day either, when you first had woken up you had a) slept in

- b) fell going down the stairs of the Slat

- c) nearly got caught on the heist

- d) got a lecture from Kaz

- e) almost died doing the errands Kaz could have done himself

- you were pissed, and beyond angry; you were mad at EVERYTHING! The world just seemed to hate you today

- finally you got back to the Slat and boy were you ready to go off on anybody and everybody

- you were done, absolutely done

- Jesper didn't notice right away

- because even though he wasn't at the Crow Club he was STILL gambling

- it kinda just pissed you off because wtf?! You just wanted to spend time with your boyfriend maybe even cuddle him!

- (if he was up for it of course)

- instead you gripped the back of his shirt and shoved him off the chair

- "We had a deal Jesper."

- There were a few ooooo's heard throughout the Slat and all you wanted to do was sit down, put your head between your legs and scream

- you were close to doing just that too

- But even though Jesper wasn't the best at reading the room

- he knew his s/o and he knew that you were going to lose it

- you just had this pleading look in your eyes as if saying; 'I'm going to kill all these people, please send help'

- so he glared at the people around the room and touched his guns menacingly before taking your hand in his and dragging you away from all the criminals

- not before the lovely monster shows up though!

- Kaz if any of you mf are wondering

- "Y/n I have something else for you to do."

- You very, very nearly took out one of Jesper's pistols and shot Kaz in the head (Jesper would have let you btw)

- If you did whatever Kaz would want you to do it would very much be the next day and it probably involved killing or getting killed and you wanted nothing to do with any of it

- before you could speak up though Jesper does;

- "Y/n's done for the day Kaz."

- But Kaz just rolls his eyes and starts shaking his head;

- "No, no, no, Y/n's not don-"

- "Kaz if you don't shut up I'm going to shoot you with one of Jesper guns."

- Kaz for a split second looks scared before he just rolls his eyes and stalks off

- Thank the fucking saints, because you were just about ready to lose. it.

- Jesper seems to realize this even more now and pulls you up to your room

- "Darling what's wrong?"

- You sniffle and turn away from him

- "Nothing Fahey, now fuck off."

- Your abrupt (and quite frankly rude) response caught him off guard, but he knew he couldn't just back off and give you space! You needed him

- "Ya, no. Not until you tell me what's going on with you, then we can move on to Jesper will 'fuck off.' Right now we're still on stage; something is wrong and you need someone to talk to."

- "Jesus Jesper! It just been a horrible day!"

- You turn to face him

- " Let. it. go."

- Ya he wasn't going to do that

- Because you looked so close to tears

- So instead of saying something because if he did he would probably just fuck up and then you'd be even more mad

- Instead he just hugs you

- For a split second you tense before you just relax into the hug and start sobbing

- "I'm sorry, I'm getting your shirt all wet."

- "Y/n I don't really care."

- You tell him about how terrible, and just plain awful your day was

- He mostly just nods along while rubbing your back

- But he's there, and he isn't going any where

- He waits till your done talking and he suggests a session of cuddling might help

- You agree and with that the two of you are cuddling on your bad

- That's how you fall asleep

Bouns:

Kaz had never seen Jesper angry, he realized when Jesper prized pistol was pressed up against his forehead.

Even if he had, it was nothing compared to this.

The sharpshooter was seething, his eyes were aflame yet his entire body and movements were calm. Something he didn't see in Jesper ever making him even more nervous.

"You ever pull that shit on Y/n again I'll kill you myself." He says his voice low.

He pulls back his pistol and he spins on his heel to going to go talk to one of the Crows. As he goes Kaz watches them he observes that he's talking to them like nothing happened.

For the first time in his life Dirtyhands was scared.

Thoughts on the comic and Skully's Identity. [Slight Spoiler Warning? Not really any plot spoilers just details and characters.]

So a lot of people accept that Jay is probably Skully, either surviving or something else. However there's also speculation that it could be Alex, Jessica, or even Seth Wilson, a few thinking about Tim. (Though I would rule him out as the artist drew what he looked like in the Comic on another post) So I raked out every detail I can. Of course it can all just be a stylistic choice but whatever - make of it what you will.

It could just be some new random asshole, but It's a given they know Jessica, so it is very likely to be Jay. He presumed she was gone, unless he watched the last Entry. That would also explain "It's you" sort of "oh shit" moment. Jay was also set on looking for Jessica, so if he did survive, you could assume that would still be one of his motives. Tim wouldn't likely have that "it's you" moment because he knows Jessica is alive. Alex might have that reaction though. I believe he presumed that she was gone.

It also takes two things from Brian and Tim. The hoodie and the plastic mask. So this person has likely seen both of them and came to imitate their appearance.

Coat Buttons

The Jacket appears to have snap on metal buttons. It's typical for this style of jacket (similar to a utility jacket, which would be useful and warm to run all over the goddamn woods at night) to have the buttons placed on top of the left side for a men's jacket. (Of course it could just be any person in a men's styled jacket, but still.)

I picked this out because it's paid attention to very carefully as a detail. Of course that's good for continuity, but I know for filming Marble Hornets they were very careful with detail and hinting at things.

2. Height

They're only seen crouching up to a door with Jessica on the other side, but if they both stood straight, they'd come to be about the same height, which was true for Jay and Jessica in the series.

3. You are broken but you CAN be fixed

This is what the masked figure says to Jessica. Similar to ToTheArks video saying Alex was broken, but couldn't be fixed. That might line up with Jay's motives because he continued to think he could solve the situation. It could be argued he also believed Alex could be saved from the Operator. It it were Alex, it could be his own changed perspective in whatever "form" this is now. That would be quite interesting to see why he would go from wanting to destroy the tapes to actively giving someone the tapes.

4. Not a point but something I noticed.

On the Rosswood bulletin, there is a blurry poster that looks like it could be a "Missing" sign. Who for - I don't know, but it does kind of appear they have glasses, so it could be Alex? This could also just be meaningless background illustration.

In the same frame, Adam also talks about people getting lost in the woods and says, "The Majority of them were recovered safely but," and he stops. That's a pretty cliffhanger "but" there Adam.

Closer inspection of the Rosswood Map shows Rosswood Rd, mentioned in the series, and was supposed to be the road off the usual parking lot they stopped in when meeting up, and an X location to hard to read atm, but it is off the beaten path.

5. In a silly doodle drawing in the comic files, I did notice this poster with a skull on it. It may just be nothing but could also be implying that whoever is in the skull mask died and came back.

Also I appreciate that the soda is Conk.

6. It's Fall about 10 years later after the first incidents in Rosswood began, in the timeline 2019 ish, but that is apparent from the trees outside and the time the comic was created at.

7. Jessica has a "Sarah" in her phone. Could he literally the millions of Sarah's but I'll point it out anyway. But more interesting barely covered is Tim's contact.

8. I was thinking about why their seems to be Blue Lenses in Skully's mask, they're even visible from a distance. Now this is really digging at the bottom of barrel but when Jessica grabs the pipe to defend herself, it's highlighted by red for emphasis. Red and Blue have often been a scheme for duelity and such.

This repeats again in the second title page:

A lot could be discerned from it. Maybe she is Skully, like a second half of her, as one of her nightmares is fighting against herself. May also not mean that and be another symbol of duelity, red vs blue.

I don't think the blue is styling choice because you can quite clearly see eyes in Masky's drawing. I believe there is definitely something covering their eyes - like lenses. Their "fashion choices" are also leaning towards the expensive side I noticed. Unless they just stole it went to a goodwill and got lucky. A utility jacket like that would cost somewhere beyond a $100 unless you're lucky. I'd pay to see a cryptid running around in Gucci in butt-fuck-nowhere Alabama in the middle of the night. Or who knows maybe Alex got some prescription lenses put in that shit.

9. Do I even have to explain the symbolism of a Jay.

10. I can say with good certainty this probably symbolises Jessica's memory of Alex.

11. Some damning evidence, whoever is in the mask has access to the original entry files, not just downloaded YouTube stuff. Jay, Tim, Totheark would likely have access to that. Alex was pretty dead-set on having all the traces deleted, I'd doubt he'd have them all uploaded to a computer.

12. No idea what this might represent besides some metaphor for life being a merry go round, but in the postcard Skully is chilling on a horse lmao. "Stuck in a loop of unhappiness." Ring a bell?

13. Can't attach another photo but the abandoned house Jessica goes to has "Bones" written on it, much like the Hospital did. In the original series they said that graffiti was just there, so maybe they decided to work with it? Who knows maybe it's some kind of new group? Maybe ToTheArk vs "Bones?" You CAN'T be fixed vs You CAN be fixed.

14. I also can't speculate what it exactly means, but it's obvious Skully can talk, not seen previously with the others. Whether out of an inability or just not wanting to. Could be argued it's a person behind the mask by choice, not volition. We also don't really know if Brian chose his path or became that. But he became a masked cryptid after supposedly "dying". We also never see people "die" just assume they have died or are dead and they disappear. Tim implies that it's just feeding off them, physically or mentally. They always die off camera or get fucked off somewhere by the egg head. They appear dead afterwords, with Jay and Brian, but still missing. All of their bodies were taken by the monster and are god knows where in some seperate dimension. This is borderline r/im14andthisisdeep but what is "death" in this series. Does it mean gone permanently or just "gone" ... For an unknown amount of time. People die, but do they stay that way? Or do they die ... In one sense, but not the other, Losing something of themselves from before, and becoming something new. That would awfully explain Brian's behavior after Alex "killed" him. It's also implied there are others apart of ToTheArk that were never shown in the series, suspected to be other members of the original cast who maybe had "died" and come back as someone else. Something broken.

Tim seems to be an outlier. It's presumed he has avoided death, and essentially kept his mentality. But still slips into another form out of his control, usually in response to the monster or the hooded man being near and stealing his pills and shit. Is he between death? Is that why doucheslender follows him? "The one that got away." Istg I don't take drugs.

That was Michael from Vsauce thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Saint & Leilani

Saint: How's it going? 🙂 Leilani: it's going as expected Saint: I know how to answer questions without saying anything, remember Saint: you can't fool me Leilani: I was relying on the 😇 thing to do being you pretending you believed me Saint: You'd think so, but the issue lies in if that would require me to leave you in discomfort Saint: which would be nothing but the worst manners Saint: okay, what's one thing that's been okay and what's one thing that I could help make a bit better? Leilani: the kids are extremely adorable in their costumes, I'm in support of that Leilani: & how many of the grown ups decided to go in on this too Leilani: but maybe I was hoping you were that kind of big brother & your other sisters & brothers weren't as young as they are Saint: The majority love an event, that's true Saint: I don't know if it's a genetic thing or a cultural, but it's always been like this Saint: I'm sure the twins would have you know they're very mature for their age Saint: 🤔 how about I introduce you to Mattie? Saint: She's about your age Leilani: 😅 yeah I'm considering taking one of them with me since you already made the offer Leilani: she's Jay's sister, right? Saint: Correct Saint: she's similarly more chilled out too Saint: maybe less adorable than the kids but she shouldn't object to hanging out, kidnap might be a step too far tonight but Leilani: I don't know, it's a good costume, some people would still say adorable Saint: 😅 Saint: a good opener Leilani: thanks, I'll use it Saint: 👍 have fun Saint: let me know what you think, and if I need to get my wings into gear and do more Leilani: [pretend she's been chatting to her for ages because I feel like they'd get on, soz she don't go to your school hun] Leilani: I am now so I guess your wings won't be falling off Saint: [always the way, at least you will have an ally at these functions] Saint: 😁😁😁 Leilani: take a 🍭 Saint: 😏 More counterintuitive than the sticker ⭐ Saint: definitely finding you a new dream before you wreck the 🦷 of every kid in Dublin just to fix them again Saint: very 😈 of you Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: maybe I'll become a vet if Grace agrees to the 🐱 Saint: What about the 🩸? Saint: though you seem to cope with the fake Leilani: oh yeah.... Leilani: I was only thinking about the 😁 parts again Saint: I do hate to be the 🌧 on your parade... Saint: it's pretty adorable how 🌤 you are Leilani: but you do need to step in there before I fully commit & get genuinely 🩸 splattered Saint: I can promise that without feeling I'm giving you unfair expectations Leilani: it'd be awkward if you had to take that costume off on account of being 😈 Saint: it really would Saint: the feathers aren't leaving much to the imagination as is 😬 Saint: no one wants that Leilani: you're not 👶🏽 enough to be running around without clothes Saint: Ahh Saint: so tough being the oldest Saint: suppose I should leave some 🍭 🍬 🍫 for the kids too? Leilani: I can't promise to fix your 🦷 either way Saint: I'll make sure to brush well tonight when I'm defeathering in the privacy of my own room Saint: I like your ears, by the way Leilani: I'll resist the urge to come & watch over you since you're the one who can fly & I'll never be a qualified dentist Leilani: thanks, I keep forgetting they're there so for a moment that was an unusual compliment Saint: I'll send you a picture if you like Saint: for evidence Saint: I'm sure your real ears are lovely too 😂 Leilani: what am I supposed to send you a picture back of, in line with you wanting to work for the government? Leilani: like, I could salute but that's getting into a weird girl guide territory Leilani: & I've never been camping Saint: Oh dear Saint: the less pictures I have of underage girls the better, I think Saint: too young for the scandal yet but best to start as I mean to go on Saint: my family aren't big campers, if you can believe it Saint: but I've been with my grandma, and for this young leaders thing I did last year Leilani: I probably shouldn't fill my phone with pictures of older boy's dazzling teeth either, my mum is very overprotective Leilani: was, I mean Leilani: maybe she'd come back & haunt me Saint: Potentially Saint: though I can try to assure her and you my teeth are not at all predatory, this might not come across as sincere with my pearly whites 😁😬 Leilani: if your teeth are harmless, you might need a dentist sooner than I could become one Saint: 🧛 gotcha Saint: okay, so not harmless, but your neck is safe Leilani: why do they bite their victims somewhere literally everyone can see? Leilani: I'd be more secretive if my goal was to live undetected forever in some moody castle Saint: You can cross vampire off your list too, you're clearly overqualified Saint: I think it's about that sweet, sweet jugular vein but there's plenty of others that are less of a Saint: 'look what I did' Leilani: maybe whoever wrote the 1st 🧛📕 didn't want to commit to going under the clothes Leilani: it was racy stuff already Saint: also potential code for same-sex relationships? Saint: but what wasn't 😅 Leilani: is Dracula gay? Leilani: good for him Saint: I think so? Saint: Unless I'm confusing my classics Leilani: I haven't read it before & I feel like if I do now everyone will think I'm going goth Saint: Not an impression you want to make? Leilani: not really Leilani: 🌤  > 🌧 Saint: we'll keep it secret or off the reading list Leilani: first rule of our new book club? okay Saint: You can think of the 2nd Leilani: there has to be some kind of limit on length, War & Peace is too heavy in every way Saint: which brings us nicely to rule number three then Saint: no Russian literature Leilani: 😅 Saint: but I'll leave it with the rules for now, this is a party after-all Saint: would you like a drink? Leilani: what can you offer me that's 🧃? Saint: [so the pub, 'cos always the pub, probably doesn't have sassy mocktails 'cos not the vibe but he can go make her one] Saint: any major allergies or dislikes I need to know? Leilani: no Leilani: you've got total freedom Saint: I like the sound of that Leilani: what are you drinking? Saint: [probably red wine, you seem the type, not getting crunk] Saint: 🍷 Saint: 🧛 of me Leilani: if you're coming out to me atm you have my unconditional love & support Saint: 😅 Saint: Thank you Saint: unnecessary but appreciated Leilani: oh then you want to do the most with the teeth cleaning for the pics you're sending later Leilani: I'm not 😤 Saint: As much as the before and after would be impressive Saint: you might feel a bit 🤢 Leilani: I've set myself up as way too squeamish here, I don't like the sound of that Leilani: I'm not like 🥀 Saint: it's your story to tell Saint: though I wouldn't accuse you of being a wilting wallflower type, for the record Leilani: please don't accuse me of anything on the record 😅 I'm not a Lolita type either Leilani: I haven't even had a boyfriend yet Saint: I think painting myself as that unreliable of a narrator would really undermine my public persona and the trust I aim to inspire Saint: is that purely because of having a protective mum or did your own thoughts and feelings come into that too? Saint: plus, technically, Nabokov was Russian, I don't know if we can read it? 🤔 Leilani: the behaviour of many boys my age came into it too Leilani: but maybe they'll be different at this school, your sister did say we're uncultured at my old one Saint: I can see that Saint: When did she say that? Leilani: 💬📱 Saint: 😕 Oh Saint: she can be quite Saint: blunt Leilani: it's okay, I know Saint: She doesn't always think before she speaks, which is definitely a bad habit Saint: but I'm sure she didn't mean that to sound so...that Leilani: I'm sure she put more than enough thought into everything she said Saint: I'm sorry Saint: I would talk to her, see why you got off on the wrong foot but I'm not so out of touch to not realize that would potentially do more harm than good Saint: I think she's insecure, for context, she didn't get into the school she wanted to go to Leilani: I know why, but I'm not sure I would've been able to approach it differently, even if I should've Saint: Is it strictly girl's business? Leilani: what does that even mean, St? 🤔 Saint: Well Saint: code for none of my business perhaps Saint: in this instance, at least Leilani: it's not becos you're a boy, it's becos you're her brother Saint: Okay Saint: if it helps, I know how she can be, and it's not because of you, it's a her thing Leilani: it doesn't help but that's more becos you tried to tell me how she could be & I rose to it anyway Saint: I could've been clearer Saint: I didn't want to seem like I was insinuating you couldn't talk to her, or something like that Saint: and I don't want to talk badly about anyone, even if it is at times warranted, she's not, you know Saint: 👿 Leilani: I found out for myself, that's the fairest way Leilani: & I'm sure I overreacted once I was 😤 Saint: I know it would make this easier, if you were to get on Saint: but just know you're under no obligation to Saint: with any of us Saint: if nothing else, I can assure she'll give you a wide berth if she has nothing pleasant to say Leilani: maybe we will in the 2nd attempt Leilani: my moods are all over Saint: Now that is girl stuff, correct? 😏 Saint: it's very possible Leilani: that's getting into weird 🧛 territory Leilani: I meant becos I'm 💣💥 by grief not being a girl Saint: Joke in poor taste at the expense of your hormones Saint: 🤐 Leilani: becos I'm a girl is never an excuse for anything, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie I have read some of Saint: My sincerest apologies Saint: you'll have to educate me Leilani: thank god for book club Leilani: you're fine though, losing my mum isn't an excuse either according to your sister Saint: She really said that? Leilani: yeah but she's just the 1st, I don't think she'll be the only Saint: But that's just Saint: bullshit Leilani: she doesn't think so, she built an entire argument around it Saint: even if you were using it as an excuse, which I see no evidence of Saint: it's a pretty valid one Saint: and it's just so Saint: callous to even suggest that, never mind assert it Leilani: it's about her, I dared to say she shouldn't make fun of Grace & by extension treat all of you badly Saint: That is a sensitive topic for her Saint: but still Saint: THAT is no excuse to behave like that Leilani: she's been looking at me like she's got every reason to be 😤 Leilani: 🙏 we're not face to face 🗨 Saint: I'll distract her Leilani: 😇 Saint: [do so boy, soz to you lol, sure she's being a delight] Leilani: [do the salute you're not gonna send him a picture of lol] Saint: [casually meet eyes over this party moment] Leilani: [what a #mood] Saint: [honestly Venus can leave early anyway we all know why you're here and you probably have somewhere else to be hoeing it up] Leilani: [yeah exactly, as much as I hate that you're like this, we know it's real] Leilani: thanks Saint: no problem Saint: I learnt not to bite a long time ago 🎣 Saint: not that that's on you, but you know what I mean, diplomacy is my friend Leilani: does she know she's helping you in your career goals? Saint: I have to assume not Saint: unless she thinks I need a running mate 😨😅 Leilani: in that costume, it'd be a stretch to 💭 that Saint: Don't even get me started on that Leilani: if you don't want to drop your workout secrets that's your choice Saint: Oh no, I was talking about hers, sorry Saint: she's really gone with the Elle Woods thing...which is just a bit strange Saint: dad's a lawyer so Saint: yeah Leilani: oh... Leilani: an extra dimension has been added Leilani: I thought she was going with Regina George Saint: easy mistake to make Saint: sure she'd say as much if I said anything Leilani: she'd say worse about both of ours probably Saint: she got her 🎁 she should be in a good mood now Leilani: why is she getting 🎁 on your dad's birthday? Saint: Right, you're an only child Saint: when you're little, and you went to birthday parties, did you ever get mad that you weren't getting any gifts or attention? Saint: it's that Leilani: I can't relate Saint: What did you and your mum do for your birthdays as a kid? Leilani: she liked to throw me a party, on theme for whatever I was super into that year Leilani: smaller scale than this but all my friends would be there Saint: Sounds like a good time Leilani: it was Leilani: what did you do? Saint: My birthday is Christmas day Saint: 💔 Leilani: I'm sorry Saint: 😅 It's not really that bad Saint: it would be if you minded Saint: but I still get presents and to see all the family so Leilani: I still feel like I should buy you a 🎁 in the summer Saint: that's when I'd have parties with friends as a kid Leilani: you don't have those parties any more? Saint: Not really my scene now Saint: I'm alright with Vee claiming that kind of attention Saint: I usually get dinner with friends as close to my birthday as we can without all the office parties being out in full force Leilani: 🍷 Leilani: very you Saint: Is that my branding? Leilani: would you like a rebrand? Saint: I'm not 😤 Saint: just curious about your 💭 Leilani: it's very blood of christ 😇🙏 Leilani: so fitting Saint: That wine is very bad though Saint: 😝 Leilani: maybe they don't want to promote 🧛 Leilani: if you drank my blood it probably wouldn't taste nice Saint: Why not? Saint: Not admitting a desire to do so with that Leilani: I don't know becos it's 🩸? Saint: 😂 Saint: Fair point Saint: just wanted to see how you'd put me off yours specifically Leilani: we'd circle back to me being underage Saint: do you think vampires ask for identification first? Leilani: no, but in this case you know how old I am Saint: I'm not going to suck your blood Saint: you have my word Saint: and I invited your here, sort of Saint: you'd have to invite me in Leilani: ignoring that being what someone who was about to drain me would say, you must've been to Grace's house before Saint: Probably? Saint: not as if I'd have much call to be there though Leilani: I'm honoured that you're looking for an invite now Saint: I never said that Leilani: 🤔 Saint: I said you would have to invite me over if I were to go all 🧛 Saint: so you're perfectly safe here and now Leilani: [giving him a look like okay boy] Saint: [little lol like okay fair enough] Leilani: [a smile back, excuse us everyone] Saint: [i'm like who a nosy hoe here 'cos I'd be 👀] Leilani: [well Astrid would just say it and we know she's there LOL] Saint: [truuu but she is an innocent soul so she probably just thinks he's being more friendly than his face usually suggests lol] Leilani: [I like to think the twins know what's up, they're sassy] Saint: [be those cheeky children who embarrass you] Leilani: [definitely & Matilda is probably 👀 on this vibe] Saint: [is cute] Leilani: [love that you're being less serious rn sir] Saint: [it's out of character enough to be a Thing™ like he's not a dick but he doesn't have to go this hard for anyone in the fam like protection, caring mode obvs so it'd be like oh hey] Leilani: [enjoy that fam, I know some of you adults are nosy hoes] Saint: [lol the goss, god bless] Leilani: what did you put in this drink? Saint: What? Saint: Nothing? Leilani: no, I mean like ingredients Leilani: it's nice Saint: Oh Saint: [whatever sassy concoction we've made 'cos you'd have that knowledge even if you don't party that hard 'cos Ruster kid] Leilani: 😄 Saint: you like it? Leilani: it's delicious Saint: 😁👍 Saint: Do I get a sticker now? Leilani: yeah Leilani: & more 🍭🍬🍫 Saint: the kids are gonna hate me Saint: better share or get mobbed Leilani: I could just invite you over to eat what the trick or treaters didn't before we got here, you know Leilani: keep you 😇 Saint: You really want to secure my spot in heaven Saint: My acceptance would hugely depend on what 🍭🍬🍫 was on offer Leilani: [the list of everything Grace bought and we know she's extra so] Leilani: so you see, I'm thinking of my own 😁 Saint: Did she expect the whole of town to show up or? Saint: I better intervene before you look like a 👶/👵 depending on how you think about it Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: I think she's expecting me to eat my feelings Saint: Nice to have the option Saint: perhaps not at the detriment to your 🦷 or 🩸 sugar though Leilani: we'll pretend midnight snacks don't count Saint: No calories after midnight, everyone knows that Leilani: the later it gets, the less there are? Leilani: becos we'll definitely still be here later than that Saint: Might even get to breakfast Saint: what would you have then if calories didn't exist? Leilani: for breakfast? Saint: Yes Leilani: 🥞🍨🍓🍫🍒 Saint: Well that just sounds 😇😇🤤 Saint: Perhaps we can go make that happen when we finally leave Saint: or will Grace object, take on that protective role fully Leilani: taking advantage of her fear of overstepping isn't very 😇 but it is honest Leilani: & this isn't a date date Saint: Not my intention, though if you think that would be a direct impact then perhaps we shouldn't Leilani: it's okay, it's just breakfast Leilani: the calories don't even count so it can't hurt Saint: It is Saint: I wouldn't want anyone to think differently Leilani: start as you mean to go on, I recall it Saint: I mean Saint: that wouldn't be right, would it Leilani: if people think something else is happening to what is, it's easy enough to set them straight Saint: Why would they even think that Leilani: retro 💭 Leilani: you can't spend time with anyone of the opposite sex unless they're interested in the same or you're interested in them Saint: It's just ridiculous Leilani: yeah, but you are 😇 & the fittest so I can't blame people for thinking I would be Saint: I assume people would think that's the last thing on your mind Saint: but maybe I'm giving too much credit Saint: most conversations seem to end up back to when am I going to get another girlfriend Leilani: that joke you made about my girly hormones works for my age too Leilani: especially becos I haven't had a boyfriend Saint: 🙄 Saint: It isn't the be-all-end-all Saint: trust me Leilani: not a classics 📚 way of thinking Leilani: if this was Russian Lit you'd die for her Saint: that's why their particular brand of melodrama is banned Saint: and 'she' doesn't currently exist, as I said, unless you'd like me to pledge my undying, unwavering love to the idea of women in general Saint: I can knock up a speech now Leilani: sounds like fun Leilani: go ahead Saint: 😅 Leilani: not the answer you wanted? Leilani: if you offer me a speech, I'm gonna say yes Saint: I need some time to write it Saint: I also need to find a pen Leilani: [hands him a pen in a sassy manner because she would have a handbag with this outfit] Saint: [the ultimate cliche of lingering when you take something lol] Leilani: [when you can't keep the sass up cos you gotta smile at him again like...I love to think about everyone watching this] Saint: [obviously we're smiling back and being all bashful like gotta go find some paper] Leilani: [looking in that handbag for something he could write on but there's nothing because she's not that hoe carrying everything but the kitchen sink so a cute 🤷🏾 like soz] Saint: [go find a napkin to write this speech about love and womens on then find her and give it to her and hope no one else reads it 'cos that is pure flirtation if I ever saw it] Leilani: [we're keeping that napkin hens & soz Matty even though we BFFs you're not reading it luv] Leilani: okay, I'd vote for you 🗳 Saint: [not explaining that inside joke hun we have no time sorry] Saint: That's all I really wanted from you, naturally Saint: 😈 Leilani: I'm naturally powerless to do anything but swoon, we've gone full classics now Leilani: you got what you really wanted there Saint: Having you powerless to my every whim and will sounds like another genre than classic to me Saint: unless you'd like to state your case for 50 Shades Leilani: 😅 I need to read it 1st Leilani: so thanks if you're choosing it for book club Saint: Top of my reading list, I just needed the excuse 😏 Leilani: isn't there like a whole series? Leilani: you'd know Saint: I officially decline to add that to my brand, thank you Leilani: I get why, you're angry she wrote out the vampires, obviously Saint: Precisely Saint: What kind of discrimination... Leilani: [a lil irl lol like peeps aren't getting enough of a show with this] Saint: [😍] Leilani: [I hope you're re-reading that napkin or talking to your bff right then cos if you see them 😍 you'll die] Saint: Who's costume do you think would win? Leilani: your dad's Leilani: the birthday boy has to win Saint: just because it's his birthday or Leilani: yeah, Grace's is the best Leilani: I chose it for her Saint: 😅 If you do say so yourself then Leilani: if you're arguing it's becos you want me to hype up yours more Leilani: she looks amazing Saint: I'm simply saying on your 2nd go you and Vee should get on like a house on fire Leilani: 😧 Saint: It's not a bad thing Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: okay, who do you think should win? Saint: You have things in common, is the point Saint: I don't know, the kids are probably the most imaginative Leilani: what things? Saint: 💅💄👗 and thinking you're very good at them Leilani: I think I did a good job at picking her specific outfit tonight Leilani: you don't have to say it like it's a bad thing Saint: I didn't Saint: I specifically said it wasn't Leilani: sure Saint: I'm sorry if that's how you took it Leilani: I'm sorry if that's what I look like to you Saint: What, interested in how they present themselves? Saint: I don't see why you'd apologize for that Leilani: up themselves Saint: I didn't say that Leilani: I don't know how else you expect me to take thinking I'm very good at something Leilani: you didn't even say I was very good at it Saint: Does it matter what I think? Leilani: not if it's that I have an ego the size of your sister's Saint: I meant it as a good thing Saint: I don't know what else to tell you Leilani: I don't know what else to tell you other than that's not how I took it Saint: And I said sorry so that's that Leilani: yeah Saint: Don't think about it, it really didn't mean anything Leilani: I won't cause a big scene about it either way Saint: Just enjoy your evening, okay Leilani: I am Saint: Good 🙂 Saint: that's all anyone wants Leilani: I didn't mean to get all 💣💥 it just upset me, what she said Leilani: so you saying we're alike isn't something I want to hear atm Saint: I understand Saint: that's fine, it was the wrong thing to say Leilani: it isn't fine, she's the one who got to me, not you Leilani: I'm sorry Saint: I was insensitive Saint: I just don't like conflict Saint: but it can't always be straightened out so easily Leilani: I will have a 2nd go when I see her at school Leilani: maybe it'll get straightened out Saint: How are you feeling, about school? Leilani: stressed Saint: I bet Saint: it'd be weird if you weren't Saint: but you seem to be good at making friends so you'll be okay Leilani: but that was before, now I'm not gonna know if they feel sorry for me Leilani: or think they have to be nice to me Saint: Do people have to know? Saint: You need a story why you've moved school, but it doesn't strictly have to be the full truth, or the truth at all Leilani: Venus knows, I'm not having her catch me in a lie Leilani: anyway, it's what happened Leilani: I can't escape it by lying Saint: Fair enough Saint: it is the best policy, after-all Leilani: it wouldn't be fair to my mum to change the story, she can't Saint: That makes sense Saint: disrespectful Saint: well, I think, however unfortunately, that people's sympathy only extends so far Saint: you might lose some, but you will find out who your real friends are with time Leilani: there's that word again Leilani: time Saint: I think it's pretty unavoidable Saint: it sounds worse than usual Saint: but people you think are your friends can turn around and not me Saint: for any reasons, it isn't that this is happening, or going to happen just because of your mum Saint: you know? Saint: It doesn't sound comforting, it isn't Leilani: it is a little bit Saint: People are flaky Saint: you just notice when you could use some of them to not be Leilani: who hurt you? other than the girls you're unwilling to die for, I mean Saint: What? Saint: No, no one Leilani: your friends haven't? Saint: I'm fine 🙂 Leilani: I don't believe in 🙂 Leilani: give me a real one 😁 Saint: [IRL 🙂] Leilani: [IRL 😁] Saint: [looking awayayayay] Leilani: [getting him another 🍷 because you are soz you kicked off] Saint: [just like 'who served you?' 😏 bants 'cos he's not even old enough yet either] Leilani: [we just loling because this is a fam function and everyone knows it's for him but asking if she can try it, to which I say don't do it gal wine is gross] Saint: [offering it but warning her it's an acquired taste 'cos truly] Leilani: [taking a sip and her face would be ICONIC because ew, just don't spit it back into his glass babe] Saint: [loling and asking if she wants another mocktail instead] Leilani: [a hard yes because need that taste out of our mouth] Saint: [go get that boy] Leilani: you should've written a speech about why you like drinking 🍷 Saint: A toast would be more fitting Leilani: shorter & easier too Saint: and more warmly received Saint: especially by this crowd Leilani: 😅 Leilani: [gives him the pen back like there you go then] Saint: [swap that for her drink and get to 🤔] Leilani: [take a sip so he can see your happy face when you taste it compared to a second ago] Saint: How am I meant to argue with that? Leilani: I'm not doing your work for you, St Saint: 🥺😏 Leilani: maybe you could compare it to a girl, that was a very good speech Leilani: [re-reads it] Saint: Acidic...bitter...goes straight to your head and stays there 'til the next day Leilani: disgusting, leaves a horrible taste in your mouth Leilani: makes you say things you maybe don't mean Saint: might get half the room to raise their glasses Saint: if they're feeling brave Leilani: if they're feeling 💔 Saint: Yes, that too Leilani: there must be some reasons why you drink it, other than frustrated vampirism Saint: the 💔 obviously Leilani: you said you were 🙂 fine Saint: Philosophical 💔💭 Leilani: what does that mean? Saint: I'm just theorizing on it Saint: no personal experience worth noting Leilani: ... Saint: We don't need to bring the party down with my non-issues Leilani: no announcements, just me Saint: Alright Saint: but only because you don't want to be treated different, not because I think it's important or a big deal or anything at all Saint: I did have a girlfriend, 'til quite recently Saint: but no one here knows that she cheated on me, and that's why I ended things Saint: with one of my friends Leilani: how 🍷 of her Leilani: are they together now? Saint: I'm not sure Saint: Guess I'll see at School Leilani: how long were you with her? Saint: About 2 months shy of a year Leilani: that's horrible, that she didn't end it properly Saint: Yeah Saint: we were really alike Saint: I thought Leilani: we're both dreading school, I wish that was more comforting Saint: I don't want to complain, like it's anywhere near the same Leilani: it doesn't have to be the same to be something we can talk about Saint: I know Saint: it's just Saint: I already feel stupid without complaining to you Leilani: she did something stupid, you don't have to feel like that Saint: I do though, we're a close group Saint: they're both in all my classes pretty much Saint: then I think that the rest of them had to know Saint: so, what does that mean for all of those relationships too Leilani: you won't know what it means until you know whether they were keeping it from you or not Leilani: but you get to decide what happens next with those friendships either way Saint: People pick sides, and even if they already haven't Saint: it won't be the same Leilani: maybe it shouldn't Leilani: if they've picked his side or hers, you deserve different than that Saint: It's my last year Saint: bit late for all that anyway Leilani: if you go into it with that attitude, yeah Leilani: you wouldn't say it's too late for me Saint: You have time, and reason to make it work Leilani: you too Leilani: we haven't known each other long, claiming you need years is a stretch Saint: This is different Saint: I don't know how to explain it Leilani: join a club with me or something, we'll make new friends together Saint: 😅 What kind of club? Leilani: I don't know Leilani: obviously not the Russian Lit appreciation society Saint: Maybe they'll have an anti-appreciation society Leilani: 😅 it'd be popular & so would we Saint: You will be Leilani: there must be genuine clubs you are interested in 🤔💭 & I'll sign up too Saint: I have lots of extra-curriculars Saint: but there's probably a few left out there I haven't tried Leilani: great Saint: What do you want to do? Saint: Sports, music, etc... Leilani: my only demand is no swimming Saint: The chlorine? Leilani: the cap I'd have to wear Leilani: not cute Saint: 😂 Saint: [and IRL] Leilani: hey! I'm serious Saint: Okay, no swimming Saint: we have a pool anyway Leilani: oh, good idea, throwing a party would be a good way to meet people Leilani: 💅💄👙 instead Saint: Hold on, who said anything about a party Leilani: me Leilani: just then Saint: It's a bit Leilani: ... Saint: You do know my sister lives at my house too, right? Leilani: she told me she's back & forth to Paris, can't we do it when she's 🛫? Saint: Not as much as she wishes Saint: I mean, I suppose you could Saint: long as you don't post it all over socials and trash the place Leilani: we could Leilani: the point is, you're there too Saint: A pool party full of underage girls? Saint: I don't know if that's the right direction to be going in Leilani: the 2nd point is, they won't all be underage or girls Saint: Well as mentioned, I don't exactly have a lot of older boys to invite Leilani: that's why we join a club 1st Saint: How many steps does this plan have then? Leilani: I don't know Leilani: it depends how those go Saint: You're funny Saint: And I don't mean that in any way but the words I'm saying, for the record Leilani: I'll be proud becos your laughter is transformative Leilani: it makes you look & me feel really different Saint: Those are some pretty persuasive words Saint: maybe you should write the speeches Leilani: I'll add speech writer to my vision board when I get back Saint: You could do it for me Saint: if that wasn't such a 🥱 prospect Leilani: I think it could be fun Leilani: but what's my cut? Saint: Paying staff is part of a MPs fabled expenses Saint: we can make that wage up as we go along Saint: as long as people don't think I'm favouring you for any reason beyond your 🖋🗯 Leilani: [bats her eyelashes at him in an OTT manner like who would ever think that] Leilani: 😅😅 Saint: [😏] Saint: you'd get to live in London, if you wanted Leilani: who wouldn't want to live in London? Saint: It certainly has its charms Leilani: 🛍🌃💃 Saint: Those are some Leilani: add yours then Saint: 🏛 🛥 ⛪️🚇 🕌 🚖 🕍 🎭 ☕️ 🍷 🍽 Leilani: I was with you until 🍷 Leilani: still, you can show me around before I start work Saint: It's a deal Saint: maybe you'll like white, or rose Leilani: let's see Leilani: [goes off to get wine like] Saint: It takes time Saint: to acquire the taste Leilani: to kill your tastebuds Leilani: [imagine the scene of her with a glass of wine in each hand taking a sip from each and making different but as ICONIC faces of disgust, we're giving them to Matty, fill your boots gal] Saint: How many 👎s? Leilani: as many as poss Saint: 😅😅 Saint: Stick to juice Saint: apart from being bad for your 😁 and the possibility of a sugar high Saint: better option all 'round providing you brush Leilani: is this where you ask for photographic proof back? Saint: 🤔 Saint: I think I trust your dedication to pearly whites Leilani: thanks Saint: You seem...disappointed? Leilani: do I? Leilani: trust is nice, I'm not 😤 Saint: Good Saint: you can send me evidence if you want Saint: maybe your breakfast 'gram, if it lives up to the expectations Leilani: aren't you gonna be there? Saint: Didn't we decide that might not be a good idea right now Leilani: I've only had 3 sips of wine & I don't remember agreeing so Leilani: no? Saint: I don't want my eyes scratched out 💅 Saint: you did a good job on the 😱 factor on her Leilani: I don't have my 🐱 yet Leilani: you can be scared then Saint: You are a 🐱 Saint: so had I better come or else Leilani: if we share the 🥞 you'll be helping curb my chances of a sugar rush & cavities Saint: So that's the for argument Leilani: yeah & I'll keep being funny Saint: You're meant to do against now 😏 Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: the risk of your own sugar rush & cavities Saint: 😂 Saint: I would hate for you to think I'm scared of a little sugar Leilani: 🧄 & 🌤 right? Leilani: or maybe underage girls & unreliable narrators Saint: I'm the unreliable narrator underage girls are scared of Saint: except I'm not, obviously Saint: I'll take vampire rumours over that any day Leilani: at least that means you won't take some other girl for breakfast on the morning of my 16th birthday Saint: That would be very cinematic Saint: but also very rude Leilani: 💔😿 Saint: You'll have to tell me when it is so I can keep it free, avoid the 👿 Leilani: [her birthday whenever we decide that is] Saint: It's in the diary Leilani: 📱 or 📖? Saint: I have both Saint: but I'm not quite that nerdy that I've brought my paper one to a party Leilani: I was just 💔😿 that you borrowed a pen from someone else Saint: Okay, so that's pretty 🤓 Leilani: excuse you, it's not my fault I don't have 20:20 vision Leilani: 🕶🖤 Saint: You aren't that blind or I'd have noticed by now Leilani: I'm wearing contacts Saint: I mean 🕶 is a bit of an exaggeration Leilani: it's a cute emoji, I'm sorry Leilani: & 🤓 is not good teeth representation for me Saint: [actual lol] Saint: Okay, you can have it Leilani: [actual 😍] Leilani: thanks boss Saint: [try not to 😳] Leilani: [use your skin tone to save yourself boy] Saint: wait 'til the tour to decide if you accept Leilani: becos what happens on tour stays on tour or? Saint: depends how much evidence you collect 📸 Leilani: you're the 😇 Saint: Allegedly Leilani: it's your own promo Leilani: meaning you could also convince me you're 😈 Saint: I don't see the benefit in that Leilani: [a LOOK like] Saint: I'm not going to convince you of anything 😈 with just words Leilani: I definitely don't remember making it a words only rule Saint: 🤐🤔 Leilani: ... Saint: [miming both again but we're smiling] Leilani: would you like to dance? in classic 📚 it's totally scandalous Saint: As long as we leave appropriate room for God Leilani: I think if I was fully playing by my god's rules you'd have to be in the next room Leilani: & I'd be wearing 🧕🏾 instead of ears Saint: That would make your outfit very confusing Leilani: this outfit is too tight to be islam approved Saint: [show up to dance like lemme take a closer look] Leilani: [we're having a moment & all I can think about is Grace peeping] Saint: [peeping in a costume which just makes it more amusing some reason] Leilani: [it's happening but I am gonna cockblock this before it goes too hard by saying she starts crying because she can't wait to tell her mum about this & realises she can't #beentheregal] Saint: [oh baby] Leilani: [so then we embarrassed & have to go outside cos there's always peeps in the toilets at any party/fam function] Saint: [at least as Grace is peeping she can follow you and deal 'cos we're gonna assume that isn't what you want him to do] Leilani: [when you wanna go home because mortified especially since he hasn't followed so you think he's mortified but you also don't because you were and are having fun which is the whole reason we cried like #ohjoy thank god Venus is not here] Saint: [we're in actuality worried like oh we shouldn't have done that/any of this lowkey] Leilani: [lowkey outside for ages until Grace is probably freezing to death so we're back but NOT looking at him because dying] Saint: [the awks, go make yourself busy boy] Leilani: [when you're avoiding him but you don't want him to avoid you] Saint: [a mood, at least it is your dad's bday so you can make it look not blatant] Leilani: [maybe this is a good place to end the convo, like it's rude to them but legit] Saint: [agreed, like, can't really come back from this tonight, you will be going home soon gal and breakfast is not happening today] Leilani: [it'll be a hilarious awks but good starting point for the next convo we do like yeah soz I sobbed on you sir]

Hello there! I couldn't help but notice that salty anon asking about your stance on Levi so I'll ask again because it sure sounds interesting! Do you mind telling us how you feel about him?

Okay, so the original question from a dumb hater was how I could even support a romantic ship between Eren and Levi if I am not a Levi fan*.

*If a ”Levi fan”, like that idiotic anon meant, is someone who excuses all of Levi’s bad behaviors, then no, I am not a fan.

Premise no.1: I’ve loved Levi for so many years, he’s been part of my twitter handle in the past, is in my Tumblr url, icons on various social media, I have a lot of merchandise and not only for “the sake of the ship”. I genuinely used to love him to the point that he was my favorite character alongside Eren, I couldn’t pick one. So I guess I am a bit of a fan, after all.

Premise no.2: I am a gigantic bag of salt about this topic so tread carefully if you’re easily offended. I won’t sugarcoat my VERY BIASED opinions, and if you strongly disagree, that’s perfectly fine. I won’t change my opinion with the information we currently have, because this isn’t a gut reaction I spent two seconds on, I actually soul searched (lol) for the reasons as to why I felt so negatively about Levi. He was my fave, and I felt deeply hurt and confused and frustrated, so I thought long and hard about it. I am open to change my mind if anything else comes out of him in the future.

Also, I have already spent a lot of words on how I feel about Levi’s character as of late, here, here, and here, here, here and here for example, also here and here (I haven’t exactly been silent about it lol) but let me reiterate it into one incomplete post. It’s really freaking long, and a wall of text at it. I don’t expect people to put up with this messy rant, but suit yourself if you want to.

@ the people who sent these new questions almost a month ago, I’m sorry this isn’t the reply you hoped for. If you guys want a more positive take on this, just look through my ereri meta tag.

Levi as a character can be simplified in 3 points, in my opinion: 1) the deep, caring feelings he has for his comrades and as such the responsibility he feels for them and their deaths; 2) his violent side and how he resorts to violence to solve situations. These 2 merge together into 3) what used to be his main goal, free humanity. He lent his strength (that at times he uses for violence/to get his way) to the cause: helping in freeing humanity inside the walls because the sense of freedom is worth everything.

So, harsh opinion: I believe he has lost sight of his goal – as Isayama has stated in the past even though I didn’t wanna believe it because it made zero sense and cheapened everything I loved about Levi – and he has fallen back into his worst behaviors. Add to that a lack of active presence and engagement in the actual story, and you get this predictable, background character that I can’t for the life of me enjoy currently. Because apparently, he forgot how to live on his own without Erwin’s guidance (and here I’d have another bag of salt to pour but this would get too long, and I don’t have the patience to word it in a way that wouldn’t bring me the ire of his fans).

I don’t know if Levi is really supposed to be seen this way, but at least to me, the focus has been mostly on this: his anger/violence/flaws, and his lack of involvement.

I never liked the way he resorted to violence to “resolve” not life-or-death situations or simply to vent his frustrations, in the first place. It’s something Eren had to let go of, he was rewarded when he used his wits, abandoning pure rage for the sake of revenge, and it’s always been Isayama’s intention, imo, to show as much with the story in general and with Levi as well, as Levi has never been rewarded for it either.

So, witnessing his character revert AGAIN to kicks and straight-up sadism, as a fan, has been a big disappointment. Then, the shift of his goal because “saving humanity” wasn’t Erwin’s goal, after all, has been another point of disappointment – but this happened way before the current arc. His obsession with “making the dead soldiers’ sacrifices worth it” can be commendable, but the way he’s going about it is totally blind and dictated by anger and loss of hope, in a way, so I don’t see it as something positive either. He lacks vision, he lacks a voice in the things that are happening around him as if he doesn’t care whatever happens to all of them, as long as he can make Zeke suffer and kill him. I know it’s not totally the case, because we have seen (and I want to believe) that he still cares about his comrades who are still alive, as seen during the battle in Liberio and his reticence at following direct orders to kill Eren, but at the same time, the obsession with “repaying the lives of the dead” is making him being absolutely heartless for the sake of his “hope” (like, I’m paraphrasing here but he literally went “let’s go to war again and let Historia become a shifter if she so wants to, who cares, more deaths, yay”), though he himself doesn’t seem to care about hope and freedom and all this stuff that much anymore, or he would’ve spoken up about the mess Paradis and Hange were throwing themselves into, like Eren did.

Another point of dissatisfaction is that it seemed to me like he was forming stronger bonds with the 104th and he was becoming better at voicing his opinions without becoming violent, but I guess he either regressed, or I always read him wrong. His violence in 114 was downright revolting to me, I felt nauseous and, in a way, I’m glad he got k.o’ed. It put a stop to his metaphorical downfall, at least — I see post-timeskip Levi as a cheapened, worsened, “hyperfocused-on-just-one-side-of-him” version of the Levi I used to love in earlier arcs and he was only getting worse, imo.

And, as a special mention re: his violence and his relationship with Eren… It was interesting to observe how he slowly changed in regards to Eren, learning how to lift him up and get the best out of and for him, caring about and paying attention to Eren’s emotional state when no one could or would. It was also very interesting how he opened up to Eren just because he wanted to help him, always, from the beginning. THAT’S what really made me fall for the ship and for Levi.

Also, he thought that violence wasn’t the answer with Eren, and I guess I can excuse him for his behavior in Shiganshina because it was a charged challenge of sort for every character. But he really did think that nobody could make Eren submit with violence, yet he’s the one who tried to do exactly that as soon as they met again in ch.105. I was so disappointed that their relationship seemed to have regressed so much, I kept being hopeful only because of his face/words after the kick: he felt betrayed and saddened by Eren, so it meant he still cared deeply about him. And yeah, he does, but the reasons are also partially…bad. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe he cares about Eren as a person, the boy he met and decided to protect all those years ago, but now saving Eren has become deeply intertwined with saving his last remaining goal: making it up to the dead soldiers (and I’ve already explained why I think it’s not a “positive” goal). And it’s unfair and a skewed view, imo, because Eren really didn’t have much to do with every single death. But I think it’s Levi being desperate about it all, he clings to it or he’d lose it if he had to, um, reconsider his current mindset. He’s like…grasping at straws, I feel. Like he was doing with Erwin when Erwin revealed his true colors. Levi ended up reconsidering his own ideals and goals, back then, but in a bad way (he had no goals of his own, he just blindly followed Erwin, who cares about humanity, right? Even though he seemed to care oh so much before).

I guess it’s the downfall of the “Hero”. @/Isayama, was this necessary? Is this entertaining? I am personally not a fan of this, there were so many ways to challenge Levi’s belief & trust in Eren, and to still have Levi be an active player. This just feels like a cheap way to get him out of the picture and turn him into a really secondary character. He doesn’t feel like a main player in this arc.

So long story short, I’m very disappointed in his development. I was willing to go along with it in the hopes that it would be leading us to something very interesting and it seemed it could go into a good direction as I stated here. But when he seemed to be confirmed basically dead (literally, or anyway when it comes to his importance in current events), I’ve kind of lost all hope in regards to his character, and I felt so done about it. He is either gonna stay this way, or there’s gonna be some small, cheap, background-ish closure (though atm I fail to see how, seeing as the story is about to end) and if that’s the case, I fail to comprehend the purpose of his arc, then. I don’t think his is an unreasonable development, I just fail to see how the direction Isayama has decided to “develop” him in has any relevance to the story and its themes, as he used to be a major player with some good-ass, relevant presence in the story. As I said in some posts I linked above, Isayama may have lost motivation to develop Levi any further and dropped it from the “main players” roaster, probably when he decided to change Levi’s motivations halfway through the story (because yes, the problems I have with Levi started towards the end of Uprising).

I used to be a great Levi fan, if my username and icon are anything to go by, and I still like him when I reread some parts as I stated elsewhere, because I really, really love when he interacts with the 104th or like, with his subordinates or even Hange. It’s fun to watch and even cute, when he’s not being a violent arsehole. So it’s really a shame that it’s come to this.

And yeah, I’m sure some people may have noticed already, but the ereri content on my blog has become quite scarce, S3 and the shitfest that went down there in regards to Eren&Levi parts also dampened my hype for the ship, my dissatisfaction with Levi’s character and the way his interactions (or lack thereof) with Eren went recently just pissed me off. But I loved this ship for like 5 years, I’m attached to it, and I am capable of separating the good parts of it from the bad ones (though it’s become increasingly difficult). And most importantly, I still love the way their canon relationship was developed up until before the serum bowl. Almost nothing has happened with them since then, so that’s why I was still really hyped for the next 2 years, but recently, and with Levi’s return, I’ve just grown more frustrated and bored with it.

After all, I fell in love with the romantic fanon ship BECAUSE the canon relationship was so interesting, had potential, and seemed to be going some incredibly cool directions, as both the characters seemed to be similar, had the same goals and understood each other on a basic level. It turned out to be almost nothing in the end, but alas.

So, how can I ship them if I don’t like one of them?

I still like Levi, especially when I reread the early arcs. This doesn’t mean I have to accept the worst sides of him that have apparently taken over his whole personality. His violence ISN’T a flaw I - or anyone, imo - should accept. Snoring IS a flaw we can/have to accept if we love someone. Violence is something that must be overcome. My annoyance with people implying they are better fans because they accept and embrace and excuse him and his violence, compared to those who don’t like that, is also a factor in my frustration. Understanding why exactly he’s the way he is is part of being a fan of a character, wishing for him to become a better person and ultimately letting go of toxic (yeah) acquired behaviors, imo, is better than defending and hyping them up. Some people even LOVE and WISH that violence will be his downfall because it’s violence for the sake of avenging [redacted] so it’s sooo romantic. lmao, ok. And I won't even get started about the ones who SERIOUSLY say that adult characters don't need to change, because I'm gonna start laughing for 3 hours straight. Dudes, there's not an age where you stop changing. If you stop trying bettering yourself at age XX, then I already know you're a shitty adult irl, goodbye.

Anyways, back on track. As I said in another post I may have linked above, I thought his encounter and resolution with Kenny would have amounted to something in this regards, since Levi used violence to get acknowledgment and to feel like he was “worth” something, imo, but it was only a set up for serumbowl. Wasted chance.

And I get it that violence is the way he was taught to deal with things, but 20 years have passed since then and he had a whole character arc in Uprising about opening up, trusting, feeling trusted in return, and feeling good and grateful and happy about that BECAUSE he was open with his squad and learned that it was better to use words rather than fists. So I thought he had grown out of it at least a bit. But I mean, there are other characters who have regressed or haven’t changed at all after their supposed character arc, and that dampened to a great degree the enjoyment of such characters for me (Historia, Ymir, Reiner), so whatever I guess? I can definitely see it’s something of a “cruel” way of storytelling Isayama really seems to like, maybe because he wants the characters to suffer. I guess you can’t have a story if all of your characters become better people and overcome their flaws…well, actually you can, but I guess Isayama doesn’t want this to be that kind of story.

But anyway, just to be clear, it also ties in with wanting the characters you love to better themselves and let go of things that ruin their lives or that have roots in trauma. Wouldn’t you want that for someone you love, even and especially in real life? So, if his violent tendencies have been portrayed as “wrong”, Bad Coping Mechanisms, and rooted in childhood trauma, why is it so frowned upon in this goddamn fandom to wish for him to let go of them, since it’s something that has caused him and characters around him pain or distress or downright failure. Overcoming these flaws would mean he’d feel better about himself, and others, and his past, etc. Why is it SO wrong to wish him the best? Lmao, I don’t get it.

So when his “real fans” be like “Levi’s violence is a part of him, you don’t love him for real if you can’t accept that part. anyway he’s perfect the way he is”, I’m like…that’s actually bullshit. I just want him to be a better person, just like I wanted to be a better person when I had detrimental (for me and for the people close to me) behaviors due to mental health stuff.

It’s not even on the same level of wanting him to stop being rude, that’s part of his charm. Violence…is not a cool personality trait, and it’s something you should want him to get over.

–

I still love lots of things that were shown in the manga in regards to Eren and Levi, so I don’t get why I should justify myself for liking them together just because I don’t like some parts of one of them. I still think some of Levi’s best personality traits came out when he interacted with Eren, and I like the Levi who cares about Eren the most. Hence why I ship the goddamn ship. That’s all there is to it, really. Here I talked about what I loved about their relationship, though now I feel like a bit of a hopeful fool.

I'm glad it's not about me anymore and you have someone else that can make you happy so I think it's worked out for you. Yeah leaving was difficult but I was going through so much that everything was cloudy, I couldn't quite form a coherent reality and that's why I was sending such mixed messages as I was so confused. How could I not blame myself though? But yeah I guess it's happened and we can move past it. Yeah the ankle sucks and it was just running actually haha not an exciting story. X

Sometimes I do wish you'd have opened up to me about what was going on, it makes me feel sad that you had to go through all that alone. At that time I thought being 16 was so grown up, almost an adult, but now that I experienced it myself and look back, I was a kid then too. Less so as I was when I was 14, but it's a young age to go through such difficult things by yourself. If I'd known you irl it probably would've been easier. I have more friends that bottle up their emotions, but I read their body language so I can ask them about it later, and as they know I already know, there's no point in hiding it from me anymore. Obviously it's different for everyone but I don't believe that anyone truly enjoys doing things alone.So that's why you can't blame yourself. You were in an impossible situation.Yeah for me all is good, I'm glad you respect I still have my boyfriend and don't run off immediately like last time. Friendships are important too, and to be fair, how did we ever want to make us work? Like you said, I have no clue what you look like. My boyfriend and I are sort of doing long distance atm bc he's going to a different uni, but we are travelling by train to see each other so it's good. We have a nice mixture of good conversations, banter, emotional support, kinky sex, but also doing serious stuff together like paying money he owed my parents etc. But I know it might hurt you when I talk like this, so I won't talk about him all the time. But I just wanted to make clear he's still very important in my life. Ohhh I hoped to hear smth cool like "lol I was skiing down a slope and then some fucker skiied right over me and I fell blah blah". Nah just kidding like it still sucks, shouldn't romanticise it either way