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#phantomlion's journal

phantomlionsjournal · 6 years

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Journal Entry 11/3/2018

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS JOURNAL MENTIONS SUBJECTS OF DEPRESSION, AND ANXIETY.

Holy shit it’s been a while people. I’ve been mostly active on twitter though, so please follow me there as well.

I’m going to be honest here, I’ve been having an on and off, yet crippling battle with depression for over a year now and recently it’s been really tough and it’s even been crushing me financially, however I believe I can overcome, and I can continue to overcome my depression provided I stay focused. I’ve begun drawing again, which is a good sign, and let me be the first to tell you if you’ve never had a problem with depression, are beginning to experience it for the first time and or know someone who is, indeed clinically depressed, this is no fucking joke, sickness of the mind is real. It may not be a gaping wound but it’s as real as the device you’re using to read this, the air you breathe and the ground you walked on to get here.

I’ve never been a HUGE fan of taking meds to treat depression, why? because over all I don’t make myself depressed, people fucking make me depressed, and if 98.9 percent of people fucking vanished tomorrow, guess what? My depression would be cured, not treated, but cured.

Granted there would be that awkward period where I would be figuring out what the hell is going on and if I should be running my ass to the nearest fallout shelter but upon discovery that only a few of humanity plus myself remain, a cascade of soothing relief would wash over me, and I would whisper at the new world “...finally”.

All that considered I feel like a guinea pig when doctors want to try all these fucking meds to “see what works”, and they don’t really know, all that training, and years of med school and the best these assholes can tell anybody is “see what works best for you”, and from then on it’s like rolling dice, no thanks, but hey if meds work for you then take them, just don’t flip your shit when the apocalypse comes and you eventually run out, forcing you to raid pharmacy after pharmacy, and with no one in the factories at that point to make the medication, you’re FUCKED(or they start cutting medicaid/medicare to the point that you’re fucked anyway), not me though because no matter how depressed I get sometimes, I’m a fighter, always have been, always will be, I will not give up the fight for my survival no matter HOW hard it gets, I may not go out with a bang, but I’ll go out fighting never the less, don’t believe me? Try me, I promise I won’t disappoint.

I have also come to accept and embrace that I may not be entirely sane, and I’m certainly a fucking maniac, but I’m a high functioning maniac, and I much prefer my methods of battling depression than what’s been manufactured by these second hand alchemists that make all these brain-wadding medications, and the overconfident doctors that prescribe them as I said before, my depression largely stems from having to put up with the world at large, and it’s equally depressing treadmill rat-race, so therefore the best treatment for me? Focus. Prepare. Prepare. Focus. Evade. Adapt. Survive.

Managing expectations is also another big one for me, it’s helped me quite a bit. This is a saying that I’ve been using for YEARS to train myself mentally as far as dealing with people and their bullshit is concerned “I can’t control anyone else, but I can control myself”,(before you make a comment Mr. Contrarian-Internet-Intellectual, hear me the fuck out here! You’re reading this in my voice aren’t you?)pretty basic yes, but it implies quite a bit, and if you’re dedicated enough then this is more than possible, in practice what this does for me as I’ve repeated it to myself over the years is prepare me for people’s irrational, erratic, and often overly illogical emotional behavior, remember what I said about managing expectations? that’s where this comes in for me as I constantly walk around expecting people to let me down, and be generally shitty and thus I’m never disappointed, you might have heard about “The Blessings of a Pessimist”, utilizing the attitude where everyone is generally shitty, when you actually encounter someone who’s not, and the interaction is worthwhile and even benefits all parties involved then you may find yourself pleasantly surprised, savor this feeling, for it won’t come along often.

Interaction with people if you’ve got depression, anxiety or both can be a huge pain in the ass so your first thought if encountered by some bigot or douche that can’t keep their big, loud fucking whore cunt mouth shut should be to ignore them, do not feed them what so ever, should be the first line of defense and hopefully the last.

Controlling how you react to people is fundamental to expectation management but mostly self-control, in short: Quick wit > Knee-jerk reaction. Fine line maybe but there is a difference, quick wit vs. knee-jerk reactions often straddle the line between tossing a passive aggressive quote you read on a social media image with a fancy nature background and all out cursing them out, try to channel those knee-jerk reactions in to quick wits by preparing one-liners in your head to respond to people with when they give you shit, and for you RPG fans out there, I know exactly what’s popping in to your head now and you’re probably predicting what my next lines of text will be before you’ve even read it.

That’s right you fucking nerd, prepare a menu screen in your head of your favorite one-liners and quips from whatever you can draw inspiration from, a favorite TV show, a movie or comic book, even a video game! Also try to avoid using curse words, and other foul language like racial epithets and so forth, even if you’re not cursing at them because some people are just easily triggered by the sound of bad words.

Then drum them in to your mind for whenever a sticky situation arrives, so if you absolutely can’t just resist the urge to respond because let’s face it sometimes when people feel ignored that might trigger them just as much, if not more than a response, so if you absolutely can’t help it, prepare that menu screen of responses in your head if you are unable to ignore them for some reason. Depending on your response will dictate how that person will perceive you, just remember, most random dickheads you’ll never see again in your life anyway but another key thing to remember is for the most part “the one that speaks first, loses”, so once someone tosses a random insult at you that might target your race, gender, etc. or judgemental passive aggressive bullshit, just remember, they’ve spoken first, so they’ve lost, but you can just as easily lose at this point as well, just as you might “win”, but try not to think of this in winning or losing terms really, just know that this is where you’re in the best position to pull a mental judo move and use their bullshit against them and to your advantage, as different responses will yield varying results, the following example happened to me recently..

...I’m walking down the street and I casually say “Hello”, because shocker, I actually conduct myself like a civilized fucking adult when out in public, and they respond “I don’t like you”, now before you call her a cunt in your mind, pay attention:

Me: Hello!

Cunt: I don’t like you.

Me: I don’t like me either!

______________________

My Sarcasm-Fu is impressive I know. Alternatively I could’ve responded with;

“That’s your problem”

“I like turtles”

“Shocking!”

“Oh well”

This noise

“You don’t say?”

I think you get the idea, basically, expect people to be shitty and miserable, respond accordingly, most likely they say these things to themselves in private and then say them to you, using you as a proxy to project their own insecurities, these types of people most of the time cannot fucking help themselves, so let’s swing things back around to the subject of depression...

Another good technique for battling depression: Hone. Your. Skills. I can’t stress this enough, if you’re good enough at something then you should be training yourself to be the best that you can at it, so much that you’re desired for it, and there’s no better feeling than people calling upon YOU for a particular skill or craft that you possess that they need access to.

Above all, perhaps the best way to beat depression: Keep yourself busy, and believe me you won’t have time to be depressed! Just know that, for the most part this is usually a temporary fix, eventually you’ll have to take a break and this is where the depression will bite you in the ass and drag you down and make you feel like you’re dragging twice your own weight around making it that much more difficult to function, it sucks ass, expect it to suck, but when you’ve got down time, this is where you’ve got to figure out how to combat depression when your down time arrives, in short; Don’t let your down time become down time! Yeah I know, depression puns, I’m an asshole, but seriously just remember you’re in control of your own life, you CAN take control of your depression, don’t let your depression control you. By medication or otherwise you can battle depression and you can win, no matter what you do just DO something! If you do nothing, then I guarantee you that you will become nothing.

Thank you for reading everyone.

Yours Truly,

PhantomLion

#depression #self deprecating humor #anxiety #mental health #mental disorder #positive mental attitude #warrior #phantomlion #phantomlion's journal #hone your skills #emotions #trigger warning

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kailacrosse · 5 years

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Okay so I know it’s been awhile since I have done anything with this blog and I am sorry for that. I have been busy with life and re-branding my YouTube channelas a channel that has strange true stories, paranormal videos, witchcraft videos, and the occasional video logs. I have also been busy with life, family, and work. But I have decided I need to start working on this blog again to help…

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phantomlionsjournal · 6 years

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Journal Entry 6/19/2018

Well to the very few who read this I have mustered the energy for another journal this month. I feel like my life is in slow motion. Nothing I ever want to do seems to get done, if my life were a stove I’d have like 20 different “backburners” as people call them when they have to push back certain plans. I barely make time for myself anymore, hell even when I went on vacation I was worried/anxious half the time, that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, I did. I just wish there was more for me where I am right now, I feel I’ve slowed down to a crawl and yet everything moves past me so fast, I barely have time to catch anything if that makes any kind of damn sense.

I do like writing these for the most part. It’s nice to get this shit out. There’s also the slight fear that some dickhead will use these journals against me somehow. Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means more than you know.

#PhantomLion's Journal #PhantomLion #phantom #lion #Journal Entry #journal #text post #backburner

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phantomlionsjournal · 6 years

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Journal Entry 11/30/2018

Amazing how so much can change inside of a month! It’s been an uphill battle for sure, but things are starting to really look up. I might actually start having some more free time for myself. More time to draw, write and perhaps produce videos. I was never properly prepared for how fucked the world would be, but I have a feeling that this won’t matter anymore. I’m not sure how many people really read these journals or who even cares anymore, but it’s nice to know that I got some positive feedback from my last journal, I really didn’t expect that from anyone to be truthfully honest.

I fully appreciate all the support I’ve received from you guys, it means quite a bit. My battle with depression may be over, but the war is far from won. However, fear not as I’ve come full circle to realize that I’ve been right all along, that it’s always been me vs. The World, and truthfully it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about surviving what the world throws at you, not trying to take it down a peg. By all means thought if you can take the world down a peg, than do so, humanity can use more than a few lessons in humility.

So people, no matter what, especially during this stressful winter solstice season, stay strong, stay vigilant, and for fucks sake stay warm. Don’t you dare fucking wear those fucking yoga pants like it’s going to keep you warm, it won’t so just stop it, alright? before you fucking freeze to death. Have yourself some nice holidays with your friends, family and a damn good fucking new year!

#Journal Entry #journal #entry #PhantomLion #happy holidays #holiday

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phantomlionsjournal · 6 years

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Entry 5/17/2018

I know I haven’t written in a while, I’ve been busy as all shit.

I feel lonely, and while I do have friends they’re segregated between the two lives that I’m forced to live, the life I live as PhantomLion where my friends are spread out all over the globe it seems, and the life I was born in to, the one I’m always trying to catch up with an maintain.

I guess this is what happens when you’re born in to slavery, I may not have shackles, but the bondage exists never the less. So in order to truly be myself I have to live my life in secret. In any case I am lonely, and there are few that have been close to me that haven’t bitten the dust, for I must move on, because I don’t have a choice.

My being lonely doesn’t change anything, no one’s going to come running to save me after this journal is finished and posted, so things go back to normal as usual. However, I’m trying my best to find strength in my solitude, for it definitely has it’s advantages, one of them being that there aren’t a whole lot of people I have to answer to, and while PhantomLion answers to no one, my forced life has quite a few people, alas the facade must be kept if I am to endure. I, PhantomLion must endure...

#PhantomLion #Journal Entry #journal #lonely #alone #solitude #courage #friendship

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phantomlionsjournal · 7 years

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END IS NIGH? 7/6/2017

I know I don’t write much here, but I am trying my best to make sense of my life and put the piece back together as best I can, as my living situation grows increasingly dire...

...and as predicted, things have now proceeded to get worse. No matter how much I try, no matter how “positive” I try and make things, it makes little difference. Money troubles in short, and to make matters worse our beloved “society” still puts most of it’s faith in people as if they were gods, as if these particular individuals created the very earth, no, concrete that they walk on. gods among men with false power.

I thought gods were supposed to do no harm. Then again, gods don’t have much of a reputation for kindness, not the gods these people worship anyway. What happened to patience? What happened to not letting your fellow man fall down when he is screaming for help to be lifted up? What happened to the good will of humankind? These are the questions that should haunt you casual internet reader, but they might not. Why? Simple, because you take it all for fucking granted, the ground you walk on, the very air you breathe, the bed that you sleep in at night.

I know, not fear that most of this, “civilized” world will come to an end. Perhaps I may even get to see it for myself if my vessel holds out long enough. So when all the whores, politicians, fat cats, false-aristocrats in the world look up and shout “save us”, as they scurry through the flames and the chaos, I will look down, tilt my head, ever so slightly and whisper “Why?”

#PhantomLion #journal #hatred #disgus #dispair #misanthropy #civilization #god #society #false gods #Fury #rage

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phantomlionsjournal · 7 years

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Never Ending Problems

Hello there everyone, you haven't heard from me much for a long time, and for good reason. I'm not truly sure where to begin really, as to why. Just know that I'm still struggling through. Key word there is struggling. I just wish this were a fair fight, if it were a matter of facing my enemies, head on, fist versus fist, sword versus sword, than this would might be a winning battle for me, but it's not. This world has no room for me in it, for someone who prefers living by the sword, and dying by it. That's the most likely outcome in any case, death. However if these are my dying words than I will let you all know right now that I will not die in vain, at least I hope not anyway. One thing is for certain, is that I am not the future, who I am, what I am, clearly has no place in this current era, or the next. You, my beloved followers are the future, take what I've taught you, tried to teach you, and teach it to others. I've tried to convey many things, pass on many principles to which I hope people understand, but above all, do not give up on yourselves, above all realize this, that it is never a mistake to accept and embrace who and what you are. I hope things get better, until next time my friends.

#journal #never ending problems #phantomlion

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phantomlionsjournal · 7 years

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5/25/2017

Nothing’s changed, more of the same, tired of playing the waiting game. Basically I’m in between jobs as of now, and it sucks, everything just seems to dangle in the balance of what could be, and the possible outcomes don’t seem to be in my favor, and the more I push for the outcome that benefits me the most, the more resistance I encounter.

It’s almost as if this world just wants me to suffer, but one day I will have my due. This world is afraid of me, afraid of what I can do, of what I could become, of what anyone with a free mind could become. My mind is dangerous than most, it’s not a nice place to be, most of the time.

On a more positive note, I’m finding there’s more innocence in the world than I once thought. They say that ignorance is bliss, but is innocence the same as ignorance in that regard? I’m not sure, but I am sure of this, that I was never innocent.

My hatred for humankind is just, and it makes me, what most people would consider, an outsider, I am to most people “not normal” or “something else”, well I have news for you, I’m not you, and I never will be, nor will I ever want to be. I am not like everyone else, and if I truly am outside of the human commune, than I really don’t give a fuck.

I meet with a challenge every now and then, the question “Who am I, really?”. Am I PhantomLion? Am I Dr. Phantom and Mr. Lion? Are the two one in the same? Am I really me, or am I just pretending to be “me”? I no longer care about the answer to that, all I know is that I like being PhantomLion, but lately my life has been all Jekyll and no hide, I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise. I feel like I’ve been forced in to a corner by circumstance, not all my fault I know but I can’t help the compulsion for self blame. Until next time.

#journal #PhantomLion #public diary

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phantomlionsjournal · 7 years

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Update 5-17-2017

There is a silent rage that looms within me, boiling within my gut. An insatiable anger, that can only be quenched one way. Only as such a creature that was born in to chaos can quench a thirst like this. Vengeance...

It seems to have become something of an obsession lately, an obsession that’s kept me up nights. The best thing I can do is distract myself, but eventually I will have to face the reality that unless certain people drop dead, I won’t feel better.

#phantomlion #journal #diary #public diary

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phantomlionsjournal · 7 years

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New journals here

This is basically the place where I’ll be posting my journal ramblings from now on. Stay tuned

#phantomlion #journal

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phantomlionsjournal · 5 years

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No more tumblr guys. Sorry

Well in light of the recent purge of porn. Even though this blog hasn't been effected my main on tumblr has so therefore, I cannot abide by this blatant and unwarranted censorship. I'll be moving PhantomLion's journal over here:

https://phantomlion.livejournal.com/

See you there.

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kailacrosse · 5 years

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How To Become The Best Youtuber You Can Be

Hey everyone I am Mortika Lacrosse and today we’re going to talk about how you can get your YouTube channel started and how to grow that YouTube channel. And yes I am saying even you can be a success on YouTube. Especially if you apply what I am going to say in this. I myself am a Youtuber and if you click hereyou can check out my YouTube channel. So step one you need to find your niche or what…

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kailacrosse · 5 years

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Gratitude Journal

Greetings and Namaste my dear readers. I know it’s been awhile since I have written a blog here but things have been going on that needed my attention. I have written a few entries on my other blog that are not related to the topic of this blog. You can check that out over at this link if you want. So now to the topic of today that I wanted to discuss with you all if you are interested.

It is…

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phantomlionsjournal · 6 years

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I was hesitant to put comment responses to youtube videos here, but I’ve been trying to accurately articulate how I feel on the subject of child raising, this video did it better than I ever could.

#Children vs PhantomLion #PhantomLion #PhantomLion's Journal #journal #writing #babies #still face experiment

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