I refused to take pictures for her. Why?

美しい彼 UTSUKUSHII KARE 2 ↬ episode one

If you could take creative control of ninjago what would you change

Christ...

WELL

Actually no idk where to start with this there’s so much anon there’S SO M U C H I guess I’ll do a run of MINIMAL changes tho (for as long as I can)

I don’t think I have to change much in the first two seasons, thankfully, since the writers actually sat down to think about what they were writing at the time but g o d did it go to hell afterwards

Season 3 - This Zane focused season is going to be ZANE FOCUSED DAMN IT. We’re focusing on his loss over his Father, having salt rubbed in the wound by having his father’s work turned into an evil army, and being faced with the fact he’s obsolete compared to it all. He keeps trying to stack up numbers to win, recalculate things, and it’s why his line at the ending ACTUALLY has impact. The thing that sets him apart from the nindroids, his ability to love, is what allows him to defeat the Overlord.

Jay, Cole and Nya love triangle is DESTROYED. Pixal, Zane and Cole is the new love triangle and later OT3

Season 4 - The explanation for the other EMs being around is far less stupid. Garmadon establishes that oh yeah all of your parents had elemental powers and even talks about a few of them because holy SHIT. Cole mentions his mom because he should have done that a g e s ago. Is this supposed to be a Kai season doesn’t feel like it. Open the season with better explanations of why the ninja split. Emphasis the fact that Kai blames himself for what happened to Zane, and continues to do so throughout the season. Add that to why he’s so desperate to save Skylor from her dad (not willing to lose someone else). We still lose Garmadon, Kai and Lloyd have a talk at the end of the season. Also ZANE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO GET PIXAL A NEW BODY WTHHH????

Season 5 - Idk this season was pretty good over all I think. A bit better lore established into the cloud kingdom, hints that they don’t actually control fate they just think they do. Explain where the FUCK NIMBUS CAME FROM?? Water can still beat up ghosts but idk feel like there should be some other factors involved, some magic. Kai and Zane figure out they can make water a LOT sooner. Also why doesn’t Kai just set the preeminent’s house armor on fire??? Should have. OH I did forget since this season is supposed to be for NYA GETTING HER WATER ELEMENT how about she actually GO WITH THE NINJA AND DO SOME SHIT SOMETIMES??? I don’t mind her training, specially Ronin helping her but like??? Wtf why not have her ENGAGE, idiots.

Season 6 - I’m the weirdo who actually likes season 6 but that doesn’t mean it’s not without its issues. I don’t mind Jay wondering about where he stands with Nya but his behavior throughout the season has to stay consistent. When he agrees with Nya he needs to let it go he needs to LET IT GO. IT LITERALLY SHOULDN’T BE BROUGHT UP AGAIN UNTIL THE LIGHTHOUSE. He also needs to linger more on his birth father (and besides he should have suspected he’s adopted since season 4 cause he knows neither of his parents had lightning powers). Zane doesn’t ignore Pixal’s warning about Nadakhan but if she’s off somewhere else idk how she gets threatened I’m sure Nadakhan could figure it out. OH and time can still reset and stuff idc but like, Jay and Nya need to talk about it and they need to GO BACK FOR ECHO. EVEN IF THEY DON’T FIND HIM THERE.

Day of the Departed - just wish it was longer tbh, but major changes: Why do the ninja not seem to care that cole is FADING OUT OF EXISTENCE and Lou should be a lot more worried about his son.

Season 7 - I mean, it’s mostly a trash fire, but I think it’d be a lot more enjoyable if they actually had good sibling dynamics going on. Acronix following his brother because he always has, but starts questioning their plans as things go. At first their relationship is much better, which is why they best Kai and Nya, but by the end that flips over. Actually have Kai and Nya having an ISSUE. Kai thinks their parents could have been traitors, Nya seemingly doesn’t care because she’s so wrapped up with her samurai x stuff being stolen. They end up fighting and don’t make up until the boiling sea. ALSO GIVE RAY AND MAYA A BETTER FUCKING EXCUSE FOR BEING GONE THEY COULD HAVE FUCKING SHANKED KRUX WHEN HIS BACK WAS TURNED GET OUT OF HERE HE HAD NO LEVERAGE.

Also Machia isn’t dead okay she’s just in the past she WILL COME BACK

Seasons 8 and 9 I’d say are pretty solid honestly? My minor changes: Garmadon isn’t Garmadon he’s a fucking fake get out of here with that shit THE REAL GARMADON WOULD NEVER. We actually learn where Mr. E came from I don’t even care if it’s just Harumi and UV talking about how they found him in a scrap heap and got him fixed just give me something. Stop treating Dareth like SHIT. Ronin and The Commissioner plan a jail break long before they’re let out in season 9. Teen Wu is a lot less... air headed. Like seriously he seems to have more logic when he’s a child it doesn’t add up. I’m not saying he has to remember everything but wth?? Oh, and Mistaké isn’t dead fuck you.

Season 10 - ............................................ delete it and start over. Literally, hate all of it, get it out of here. Four episodes for villains you built up like FUCK in the last two seasons??? All of them fucking as big as people???????? cowardly, weak, uninspired, I don’t want it I’m just going to have to redo this whole gd season. A) Oni leader is a QUEEN now and she can be up to 30 feet tall no I do not give a FUCK B) Fake ass Garmadon is revealed to be a different oni entirely he was an agent for the queen the whole time but never finished his mission C) She can still paralyze a bunch of people but man Lloyd you’re going to need more than a shiny tornado to fight her off. D) In fact you need to summon your other great grandma so the two of them can get over their divorce spat. E) Where’s the mask of vengeance bring that back into play. F) Mistaké shows back up to help. I suppose plot wise it can?? Mostly run the same but I think they’re going to have to run much farther than the city with how fast she spreads her reach. Also she’s weak for Lloyd because he’s the smol great grandson and he has to use that to his advantage to slow her down. Mistaké makes something that can unparalyze people and they get some of their allies back before the finale thank god. Faith isn’t just in a coma the whole GD time.

Season 11 - Fire half? Good. I need a much better reason why the ninja go to the never realm tho because wow did they just make everyone out of character in that last episode. The ninja have no reason to just ignore Wu and shove him out like that. Wu has no reason to NOT NOTICE LLOYD IS BREAKING INTO HIS ROOM WHEN HE WAS KICKING THE NINJAS ASSES IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Ice half?? ... h Yeah no they should have known Zane was the emperor from the start LMAO. Or at least suspected the possibility. The decades of time passing??? Deleted. Maybe give it a year. Idk why it’s just Lloyd snapping Zane out if why aren’t the other ninja involved like p l e a s e. Also kill Vex with an ice spike, thanks.

Season 12 - Over all I liked what this season had going but there... should have been more. And that ending felt so crunched together like damn... Unagami was a p cool villain at least BUT idk, despite all the focus on the plot so much of it didn’t feel tangible enough. Even if we’re going to focus more on the video game world I want to see more of what these NPCs are up to. Should have tossed in a couple of filler episodes. Also can someone just kill the Mechanic too SMH (and they should have tied Wu up in something sturdier how did he not just break out of that WHATEVER)

Suppose I’ll stop there I haven’t season season 13 yet.

Oh, the timeline itself needs some fucking work too. At least establish Wu and Garmadon’s sudden aging. At least establish how old Zane is (I’d believe he was built 40 years ago but I find it hard to believe he was active for all of it). Establish that yeah the FSM really did basically fuck off like idk 14 years ago and idk why the show acts like it was so long ago it couldn’t have been based on the other facts we know have Wu learn that his dad is a bitch ass motherfucker and he needs to ditch.

Honestly there’s more but like................. this is the simple version

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

~

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

kdrama rec/review: bridal mask

KDRAMA AND CDRAMA MASTER LIST OF REVIEWS

Series: bridal mask / gaksital Episodes: 28 Genres: historical, action, drama, romance, tragedy, people screaming each others’ names in all capital letters 2006 anime style Spoilers in the Rec: im going to try to avoid them. im really, really going to try. but no guarantees If You Like, You’ll Like: zorro, robin hood, v for vendetta, chicago typewriter, vigilante shit, kate beaton comics on My Nemesis, mr sunshine, watching people become progressively unhinged, bad guys that become good guys, good guys that become bad guys, Parallel Narratives, cat and mouse games but they’re both cats, 2010 hair in a 1930s world, people in a room together internally thinking does he know that i know that he knows?

Rank: 9.5/10

GAKSITALLLLLLLLLLLLLL PREMISE

set during the japanese occupation of korea in the 1930s, bridal mask centers on lee kangto, an absolute shit weasel. like. good god, what an asshole. anyways.

kangto is a korean police officer who is employed by the japanese--meaning he’s essentially a rat/turncoat to his own people and supporting their colonization and abuse of power. it’s especially fucked up because kangto’s older brother was tortured so much by japanese police officers that he’s essentially lost his mind. people hate kangto. straight up hate him. 

as a lieutenant in the imperial police, kangto’s been working to catch members of the korean resistance movement, but left and right he’s been thwarted by...

THE BRIDAL MASK (gaksital in korean)

a mysterious figure who wears a mask resembling a korean bride’s traditional makeup. bridal mask is essentially zorro, fucking up shit left and right and generally making kangto lose his shit. he makes it his goal to be the one to apprehend and arrest this mysterious figure. seems straightforward, but as kangto’s search for the bridal mask continues, and the people around him are drawn into the hunt, it’s clear that shit’s not what it seems.

MAIN CHARACTERS

lee kangto/sato hiroshi/lee young

a korean man who works for the japanese as a police officer. 0% approval rating from the koreans and maybe a 5% approval rating from the japanese. kangto’s initial goals for joining the police force were to help his family get out of poverty, but his morality’s been cha-cha sliding progressively darker the longer he works for the police force. he becomes obsessed with catching the bridal mask and everyone would like him to really quit being an asshole but he will not.

catch phrase is bingo! takes over the nightclub stage when he’s feeling swaggy. would shoot the love interest. shoots pretty much anyone wearing a mask, really, then yells about it

oh mok dan / mild spoiler: esther / spoiler: boon yi

a patriotic korean woman associated with the independence army, mok dan commits acts of subterfuge and gathers intel against the japanese forces. her day job is a performer at a circus, where she lives and hides out from japanese officials whenever shit goes awry. when lee kangto sees her getting saved by bridal mask, he assumes she’s the bridal mask’s lover and therefore intends to use mok dan as The Bait. mild spoilers it turns out she was once childhood friends with lee kangto’s best friend, kimura shunji 

wears many amazing suits. has no problem with spitting or shooting. fears no boxes. can take a punch or 5. basically my dream girl it’s fine

kimura shunji

a japanese man and kangto’s best friend. coming from a family of influential, imperialist asshole samurai cops, shunji is the black sheep as he works as a music teacher for korean children, and is generally against the corruption and abuse of power when he sees it. basically the only one kangto’s never a straight up asshole to, including his family. the two practice what appears to be kendo together (i know jack shit about martial arts), and shunji’s a capable fighter. my default is to assume shunji is everyone’s favorite character, because he is my favorite character :’D, but if not i think he’s definitely the most compelling in the series.

wears bowties when he wants to dress to impress. rides bicycles both happily and tragically. has a thing for a childhood friend who saved his nanny. will give you a ride home after you’ve been tortured. save this man from his family. 

ueno rie/ra ra/ spoiler: chae hong joo

a korean woman from a rich family that was murdered by the independence army who later became a gisaeng. as a gisaeng, she crosses paths with a very important japanese man who later adopts her into his family. because the japanese police keep fucking up the apprehension of bridal mask, her adoptive father calls her to korea from japan in order to kill the vigilante

stealth fave?! will step all over you and makes grown men cry. hyper competent and hardcore. bridal mask’s best dressed (try again with the bow ties next year, shunji). men are weak

the bridal mask GAKSITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the mysterious figure either ruining or making everyone’s day. dramatic horse escapes. dramatic rescues. generally just drama. symbolically destroys japanese flags/insignia a lot. GAKSITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOME SUPPORT CHARACTERS SELECTED BY HOW MUCH THEY ARE MY FAVORITES 

mok damsari

mok dan’s father and a general in the independence army. v good at being rescued dramatically. knows how to make an exit and also bombs. dispenses life wisdom when he’s got free time in between rounds of being torture

lee kang san

kang to’s older brother, who joined the independence army and was tortured by the japanese police to the extent that he’s now lost his mind/severely mentally ill. dude just needs a hug or 20 and to never chase after a car ever, ever again because it makes me sad.

katsuyama jun

ueno rie’s bodyguard, which is amusing to me because she can clearly kill anyone she needs to, so it’s kind of like he’s a butler as well. stoic af, says maybe 20 lines in the entire series, but look, he’s cool

i dont like any of the japanese police officers because they’re dicks so they don’t get a feature :| 

Drawbacks

the production value is something you gotta settle into LOL. there’s the cheesy martial arts sound effects, sometimes it skews a little narmy, but once you get used to it and once the show gets progressively darker (and how) you adjust and then don’t notice it

my main #1 beef: mok dan starts to disappear in the last fourth of the series. like she’s still there, but she’s doing bullshit like making soup and just sitting at a table with nothing to say. as a character that’s so important in the first half, it’s severely disappointing the route that her narrative takes toward the end/she does become something of a satellite character even though i still love her

there are main character deaths--more than one. some people would say the ending is bittersweet but to me i think it’s straight-up sad (which is fine with me/appropriate for the story, i just know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea)

there’s torture and for the most part it’s shown / it’s not off-camera

shit gets dark. the first handful of eps might lull one into thinking is something like zorro or robin hood, but there’s a lot of fuckery and death by the time you get to the end

Reasons to Watch

i mean, it’s fun! which is a messed up thing to say about a dark show, but there’s a lot of twists and the show’s an extended game of cat-and-mouse that’s a good time because the audience knows certain things but the main characters don’t. the drama of it all!

Now That’s What I Call Character Arcs. kang to + shunji’s respective character arcs are amazing and are referred to as the best part of the show for a reason. you’ll hate and love them both throughout the series and it’s great. shunji was my favorite

i love both the female leads a lot. they’re totally different in personality and the sides that they’re on, but they’re both compelling and they have their own troubles and goals to work through 

one of the main characters looks around the chaos happening and decides to just fucking leave all these people behind forever lmao i love it

acting is great! some people knock on mok dan’s actress but i thought she was perfectly fine for the character 

i’ll admit, i’m into characters who become progressively unhinged and the actor who plays the character who does is so so A+

there’s romance but gd does it get dark sometimes. this is a plus or a minus depending on who you are lol

Final Thoughts.

Best of Brio Hitlist: 1x05

Apparently I’m still doing this so that’s cool I guess. 1x05!!! Some absolutely top notch Brio content here, folks. This episode is packed with classics and overall I think makes my series top 10 list but don’t hold me to that bc I have a goldfish memory and there’s easily tons of stuff I’m not thinking about rn. 

More nonsense under the cut. 

Turner’s mustache is terrible how did I not notice how terrible it was before it’s literally all I can see

“Well maybe he didn’t know if Dean could read?” GOD WHY DID THEY SCRAP THIS LEVEL OF QUALITY CONTENT

Another flannel for Annie, still no girlfriend 

AND ANOTHER HOODIE FOR RIO

AND MORE RIO + ANNIE CONTENT

s1 truly was god tier

omfg I forgot Finn Collins was in s1 (if you didn’t watch t100 this is meaningless to you but let me just say it delights me to no end that two separate casting directors looked at that actor’s face and said yep that’s a fuckboy if I’ve ever seen one)

taking a page out of the shows book k and pretending this fake cancer storyline isn’t a thing

RIO!

HIS NAME’S RIO

oooookay

oh is his name Rio??

hEL P

I love slick!Beth and her lying superpower 

“There’s a band aid on my arm and it’s not mine” might honestly be the grossest thing this show has ever done

OKAY SO WAIT I will be the first to admit I pay v little attention to the Boland kids (for real which one is Kenny what is the other boy’s name I don’t even know) but isn’t Jane supposed to be the youngest?? And yet Beth hasn’t had sex since Emma was born???? I’m so confused

serious question does this show have a script supervisor

hello again turner’s terrible mustache

“I’m on Facebook too” tbh Rio seems more like a twitter person to me but what do I know

Before I go all caps, I love how Manny plays Rio cycling through amusement and impatience and irritation so quickly that he’s nearly doing all of them at once while dealing with Beth in the early eps, it’s such a rich performance

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME

it’s actually kind of weird hearing this line in context, I’ve watched it in videos so much it like, exists on its own

Was lowkey expecting a soundtrack to kick in after he said it and the shot to freeze frame or drop saturation

maybe something by hozier or kaleo

I’m absolutely fcking feral for the way Rio says “right, right” all slowed down and soft

Love how hittin’ it straight up bounces off of Beth’s brain, if Rio hadn’t clarified, how long do you think it would’ve taken her to figure out what he meant are we thinking minutes or would she have like, driven off the road halfway home when the shoe dropped

OH I’M SORRY SWEETHEART TELL HIM WE’RE MAKIN’ LOVE

I love love love how hard that scrambles Beth’s whole brain, I love it with my whole heart, I love how you can see it sink in, see her brain go there and then just b r e a k

Ugh god and that little smile when he ducks out after dropping that grenade what a little shit I love it

And then he leaves and that long shot where she’s like, really thinking about it

She’s totally picturing it

(same bitch)

That feels over the line my b

GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD beth and annie giving ruby their cut gets me right in the godamn feels every time I love their friendship so!!!!! much!!!!!!!!!!!

right in the honey nut feelios <- @medievalraven

the extended shot of three of of them laughing their asses off over Annie being ridiculous feels so real, it’s one of those moments that makes the show and their friendship feel so lived in and genuine, like if you’d told me that was an outtake from after they’d cut I’d believe it, it’s pure friends having a moment and it makes my heart do stuff

beth: my life long bff (who you have known as long as you’ve known me)’s daughter is in the the icu I don’t have time to eat

dean: I don’t underStaND?????!!! hOw tHIS is nOT??????!!!!????? aBoUT mE???????!!!!!!!!???????!!????????

sidebar, I miss Beth’s camel coat it looks so soft and lush and comfy 

like don’t get me wrong the black pea coat has it’s advantages as we all saw in 309

but the camel one is so classy, i love it

hello again again turner’s terrible mustache

godDAMN DO I LOVE THIS BETH AND TURNER SCENE

we don’t talk enough about the electric chemistry turner has with everyone he shares a scene with

i mean not dean but who has chemistry with dean, dean has like, negative chemistry. he’s a dampner

all of his scene’s with Beth???? W H E W

with Rio????? *fans self*

can you imagine what that threesome would be like? aside from wildly hot they’d be like a pack of praying mantises at the end all racing to rip the others head of first

it’d be a massacre

but worth it

ahem anyway

AND HE KISSED ME add this line to the list of things I’m absolutely fcking feral over 

Something about Christina’s delivery just does!!! It!!!!!! For!!!!!!! Me!!!!!!!!

Whenever people use it in videos I lose my entire godamn mind

remember when Beth was chill about the word panties

And we close with a flawless use of Phantogram 10/10 I want to send the s1 music supe a gd fruit basket

Hey! So im trying really hard to read pride and prejudice butnit seems like such a drag. I do wanna read it badly but i keep on losing interest. Halp me :(

hi! so i’m not sure what the ~literary consensus on p&p is, so keep in mind i mind be speaking bs from a technical standpoint. this is just my opinion lol

so the thing about p&p that really draws me in (even after a good few years and more than a few rereads) is the darcy/elizabeth dichotomy, which actually isn’t a dichotomy at all. see, they have similar flaws, similar challenges, even though they (and the other characters of the novel) think they’re stark opposites. people are very quick to say lizzie is the prejudice and darcy is the pride, but i disagree. even though one could say darcy is the one who is both proud and prejudiced - and don’t get me wrong, he is - lizzie is shown to be capable of being just as proud and just as prejudiced. she is constantly saying he thinks he’s better than everyone else - but she constantly thinks her judgement is always correct and acts on her rash opinions of other people. she is constantly pointing out his pride - but hers is just as present when she holds on to her opinions of people even when they show they might be different than what she thought, because she doesn’t wanna be proved wrong. he is portrayed as a huge a-hole, and for all that he really did act like one, he was also much quicker to realize how his pride AND his prejudice was negatively influencing his relationships with other people. he was the first to realize he needed to work on his flaws. lizzie needs to have her entire world challenged to realize the same about herself. so i don’t think lizzie is prejudice and darcy is pride or vice versa - i think the entire point of the novel is showcasing that anyone can be either of these things, sometimes both of them at once! both lizzie & darcy have challenges they need to overcome, that are different in the sense that they appear in different ways in their lives obviously because their lives are different, but that are also similar in the sense that they are caused by the same root problems (you guessed it): pride AND prejudice!!! as i said, they’re portrayed to be completely different people, but over the course of the novel they realize their motivations and their struggles are much, much more similar than they ever even stopped to consider - and, in stopping to consider, they realize they overlooked each other in their hastiness to judge. she was wrong about his character, he was wrong about his evaluation of her & her family because of their social class. once they get rid of these misconceptions, they realize they understand each other better than anyone else in their lives for their struggles were so similar in their dissimilarity, and realize they actually maybe kinda like each other and could have done so since the beginning, had both of them not been dumb-dumbs.

basically, these two characters that are said to be so different are very similar under the surface. similar motivations, similar struggles, similar difficulties to overcome. i love the idea of coming to realize, deep down, you share these traits with someone else you thought so incapable of basically everything lol, that you share with them more similarities than you actually really want to. no wonder they fall in love :.)

all that said - my fav part of the novel and the whole point of it - austen’s writing def has some very particular aspects that get really tiring really fast, like when one of the characters launches into a speech that doesn’t even add anything to the plot. that was her way of adding social commentary to her stories: by having the characters comment on it rather than showing things and making the reader think about it. she really lays it all out. if you’re interested in history and in the regency period - especially if you’re interested in the voices of women back then, so often overlooked - you might think these bits are interesting, but as someone who is actually interested in history, i found most of these really boring and borderline annoying to read lol. i can confidently say if you realize the part you’re reading doesn’t really add anything to the actual story and is just commentary, you can safely just skim/straight up skip over it. it’s really just context, it won’t affect your understanding of the story in any way. if you like it you can come back later and read it, bc it is sort of interesting, but like. another book of hers that features this heavily is emma and i’ve reread emma like. 5 times and i still skip over most of the really long speeches LOL

so yh! really long and rambly but basically: characters gd and interesting! masterfully and subtly done! realistic and compelling! she kinda rants sometimes bc she angry which honestly same. overall 10/10 would rec

haunting of bly manor on netflix review -

i tried not to put big spoilers in it. its about like.. a lady from america who becomes a live in nanny to two young siblings, in a big old mysterious? house in england.

overall - 8 /10 , maybe im just biased cause it had some of my fav parts of scary movies in it/personal fav parts of genres

[cons] -personally - i dont like when supposedly scary movies are about ppl dying sadly/theres characters who are actually nice who you actually get attached to and thenn, they suffer! (although technically i guesss that is what causes “haunting”, in its title. its like, im looking for a Scary which is secretly supposed to be found to be scary[-fun], not scary-Sad!. sad deaths/characters make me sad. like when cute kids in it are also sad and upset and they surely dont deserve it :p. bums me out. i guess i dont mind so much, if, -if youre gonna have to harm someone, that id rather theyre someone im not so attached to in the first place lols. id rather not feel sentimental whilee watching a movie thats also scary lols. too many feelings at once for me lols . also, i appreciate a movie tryingg to explain things well or make it interesting, but sometimes it cann get too complicated . thats where ya lose me. [thats kinda not that personal that can also be a critique in genderal.] its like if you keep it clear enough even if its simple, it could be a better story.

pros objectively - good characters, and gd chemistry between characters - they were all pretty distinct and interesting enough, had their own styles and mannerisms and personality. gd dialogue - relateable enough and realistic enough - heh ilke when the gardener tries to cheer the nanny up, that was like kind of a well thought out specific unique and still funny joke lols. or when the nanny uses her teacher-voice to say relateable things to the kids or to discipline them well and properly and fairly/justly and calmly - those were awesome and accurate like real life, very familiar in a specific, recognizable way. nicely done visually/cinematically - made everything look good, didnt make anything too confusing, clear enough. like it let us explore all the interesting places and no scenes were too dark to see whats going on or anything lols. which is good because sometimes a show takes place in what lookss like wouldd be an interesting setting, but we never really get to use the space much or see its details [well], or look at any of the cool parts about it, very well! plot was good - got stuck a couple times in a few ways, but atleast it did have good closure. thats hard to nail in spooky/scary stories. its also good that there was diversity representation in the characters’ races and kinds of romances so thats always important to diversify in the media so people arent ignorant and plus its less predictable and ^realistic.

cons objectively- really lost me in the episodes w hopping and flashbacks a lot, even though i guess it explained a few things. idk i think we couldve done without the entire dream bit cause it went over my head and i dont see thatt well how it fits with the rest of things very much anyway. i think it couldvee stuck with just the first owner’s story which seems to explain most of the mysteries anyway, and still be a great plot overall. also its not much of a big deal but in the end, that was supposed to be whats her name, the gardener but she wasnt even consistant in her style it was so out of character. like whats that hair style?? its too modern and boring/basic-betch , shes a chill, grounded, rough person so i think she shouldve kinda had a softer wavier hair style at least like she usually had . doesnt have to be the same, but atleast better match her character. i guess there were a few kind of minor plot pieces that i didnt hear/understand their explaination . but maybe if i thought about it more, or figure that those were just idk symbolic details or something lols, then id get it. -atleast the most important plot points have been explained. or if they kept the confusing plotline to help explain things, i wish they couldve made it a bit simpler to be more understandable . aint nobody tryina think that hard about it to understand things in a show ha . idk i think the wind up leading to the end , through the middle of the last episode when we werent sure if the girl was doomed yet or not [is that what it was that dragged on for me?] , dragged on a bit too somehow. or i wouldve been happy too if it ended like 10 minutes into the last episode when everything was at peace, even though thats too peaceful of an ending for a spooky story lols. also the bride in the beginning and ending who hears the story is a kind of bad actress or has awkward lines so it makes things corny lols. which its hard to not cross that line in spooky stories, from believeable and relateable and genuine enoughh to spook ya cause its barely believeable/relateable, - into corny.

pros personally- love big old gothic houses, theyve got character. love love stories, and mixing genres in a show or movie! like love, sad, and spooky. love it being more spooky and a thinker kinda rather than gory which could always be too easy of a scare. and lots of botony heh [in the romance] which i always love. in real life heh. i also dont really like body horror lols even though it couldve been worse here i guess. i know its supposed to be like, symbolic though :p. i like how - there wass a specific message/themes they were trying to be about in this show, but - idk, before we realizedd that, it was kind of amusing how the random suspicious jumpscares/problems that happen aree kinda like, making you/trickingg you to thinkk, that the story could justt be any of the clichee scary stories - but thenn its a pleasant surprise that even though you thought it was gonna be a cliche predictable plot, its actually much more elaborate in a good way lols. i also like “”gothic”“ and kinda spooky but not likeee verY scarY ha. cause gothic is likee, a lookk/mood!!

so yeah, i liked this in general, and would recommend it in general and might watch most of it again in halloween season lols. i like it because its sophisticated and relateable enough, graceful, cute enough - balanced so its not tooo much of anythingg and just enoughh of different things that would make any show enjoyable enoughh, i thinkk . good in all the ways it matters, in all the important ways. generally doesnt get campy in the parts of the show where that would matter lols. i liked it better than the other series apparently also by this director or whatever, “haunting of hill house”. i think “bly manor” was better in nearly  every way lols .

Two Strangers~

Characters: Jiyong, y/n

Genre: Angst, fluff, Crooked AU

word count: 6,919 characters

Every time I listen and watch Crooked I have an overwhelming desire to comfort and take care of GD. I was listening to it just now and was struck by motivation and that rarely happens so a bitch has to write it down when it does lmao

Summary: The club was always a loud crazy mess, but one man in particular seemed to be absolutely out of control, more so than the rest. Yelling, laughing, absolutely losing his mind with no regards to the people around him. He definitely wasn’t the type of person you would ever associate with, but something seemed... off. While in thought you failed to notice that he was heading your way.

The club floor was vibrating from the intensity of the music, blasting from every speaker in the place. As usual, your friends had gotten drunk and ditched you to go cause mischief for the night. Normally you only tagged along to be the designated driver, due to being too kind to say no. The club really wasn’t your scene, but you still dressed up in a relatively nice blouse and black tights, your favorite pair of four inch black heels on your feet. You didn’t look like you belonged there, but you didn’t look bad, either.

Scanning the room you could tell everybody in the place was either incredibly drunk, or currently working on it by slamming shots down at the bar. The atmosphere was sort of depressing to you, but everyone else seemed to be having a good time, so, what can you do?

Just as your eyes felt like you couldn’t possibly get any more bored, you heard loud annoyed shouting mixed with crazed laughter coming from the back of the club and stood up in an almost motherly instinct to make sure it wasn’t caused by anyone you came with.

Instead, you raised a brow at the sight of a man with... was that, white hair? Shaved sides, covered in tattoos, throwing his hands up and yelling before falling to the floor. Everyone around him looked incredibly irritated just by his presence alone, and you frowned. 

What did he do, get black out drunk? That is dangerous! Again, you couldn’t help the motherly instincts ingrained in you, and your brows furrowed with concern.

While you were pondering what to do you had barely noticed the male was already up and making his way across the room towards the bar, which you happened to be sitting right beside. 

He must have felt your gaze because before you could look away, his eyes locked with yours. Something in his eyes told you that he wasn’t as drunk as he let on. It looked like he was barely holding himself together, to be honest, and you felt a pang of sorrow in your heart for the guy.

“Oh, sweetie...” You muttered under your breath without realizing. Not like anybody could have heard you over the blaring music, but it seems he noticed your lips moving because he hesitated on the path to the bar and stared at you.

With your frown still on your lips, you patted the empty seat next to you, motioning for him to come to you and, for some reason, he actually did. 

The moment he sat down beside you, you reached your hand up to the stranger’s cheek and gently brushed your thumb against his soft skin. You probably looked crazy to most people, but to you, he just seemed like a hurt boy who was crying for help in the form of attention. 

The moment your fingers touched his cheek, the tears he must have been holding back spilled over and he began to break down right there beside you for reasons you couldn’t even begin to try and figure out. 

The two of you hadn’t spoken a single word to each other but it was obvious to you that he needed something to be there for him, and it was just as obvious to him that your intentions were kind. You gently guided the stranger’s head into your lap so that he could hide his crying eyes against your stomach, which he must have appreciated because there was no hesitation on his end.

To anyone around the two of you, it would just look like he got too drunk and needed to lay down for a moment and you were his supportive friend or girlfriend, but the reality of it was, he was having a breakdown right there on your shirt. 

“Everything is going to be okay” “Make sure to take deep breaths” You murmured to the male, unsure if he could even hear you over the club noise. Your fingers brushed through his shocking white hair in a slow and comforting rhythm, free hand tracing fingers comfortingly along his back.

After what felt like an hour but was probably only 20 minutes, his breathing calmed and he slowly sat up, looking to you with what you interpreted as an embarrassed expression. For the first time tonight, you finally heard his voice.

“Well... Normally I wine and dine a chick before I ugly-cry in her lap, may I ask your name?” he let out a forced laugh, to which you simply chuckled at, wiping the remaining tears from his eyes.

“Y/n. And I think if anyone needs to be wined and dined here, it is you.”

This got a small but genuine smile out of him. “It is nice to meet you, Y/n, I’m Jiyong. And is that an offer?” He teased.

“Well I figure this probably isn’t the best environment for you right now and you should probably get some food in your stomach because I am assuming you haven’t eaten or taken care of yourself in a while.” It was a gentle scolding, but for some reason he took it in stride and seemed to appreciate concern of any form.

“Well, you’ve got me beat there.” You rolled your eyes, unable to hide the soft smile that was forming. 

“Alright, Jiyong. Will you let me wine and dine you tonight?” 

“Y/n, it would be my pleasure.” He laughed at his own joke before returning your smile. “Besides, I would like to get to know the girl who, in the middle of the club, comforted an out of control stranger just out of the kindness of her heart. I mean... you probably shouldn’t be doing that.” 

You laughed before suddenly remembering that you didn’t, in fact, come here alone. You were the designated driver for your friends, but you felt Jiyong needed the company and support more than your friends did, since they had been MIA pretty much since you got there. 

You quickly stood up and grabbed Jiyong’s hand, turning to him. “Will you follow me while I go look for my friends? I need to call them a taxi.” 

He raised a brow at your remark, but didn’t question it and followed you through the crowd until you found your friends. 

Though they were drunk, they weren’t drunk enough to not notice this rugged trouble-maker looking man who had his hand in yours, the shock clear on their face. It seemed they trusted you though because they didn’t say anything about it once you gave them a smile and a nod, informing them you’d be calling them a taxi when they were ready to leave. 

After your friends agreed, you squeezed Jiyong’s hand and lead him out of the club and let out a loud sigh of relief. “Finally, space, air and silence!” 

“I mean, aside from the ringing sound, right?” He teased

You let out a chuckle and elbowed him gently. “Alright, what’s good at 2 in the morning for food?”

Without hesitation, Jiyong cut you off. “Breakfast of course, haven’t you ever had after-party food before?” 

You let out an annoyed groan, but the tone was clearly a playful one, before the two of you began your 2AM journey to find a breakfast place.

Though he seemed rough and dangerous on the outside, not to mention a wreck, you could tell he was a sweet guy, just going through his own troubles. He was actually kind of cute and gave off a bit of a shy aura if you paid close enough attention. As unusual as the entire night had been, you were happy that you invited Jiyong over, and you hoped that he felt the same.

BnHA Chapter 180: Deku VS Gentle ~Conclusion~

Previously on BnHA: The U.A. cultural festival kicked off. Gentle and Deku continued to duke it out. Gentle was still powered up with La Brava’s love quirk, but it wasn’t enough to really give him an edge; the two of them were pretty much going toe to toe and not dealing any real damage. Gentle tried to squish Deku under some stretchy air, but Deku unleashed his inner hobbit and fucking burrowed his way free. There was a lot of other ridiculous stuff like jacket-pulling and a lot of rough and tumble nonsense, and then Gentle had a tragic flashback. Basically he wanted to be a hero back in high school, but was something of a disaster, and was eventually expelled after a botched rescue attempt. Four years later he ran into an old classmate who had become a successful hero himself. Said classmate had no idea who Gentle was. The sting of this incident gave Gentle the motivation to study and train until he mastered his quirk, tired of being a failure. Back in the present, Deku’s attempts at trying to talk sense into him fell on deaf ears, and we were promised a conclusion in the next chapter. Which is this chapter! So bring it on!

Today on BnHA: Gentle and Deku stare at each other angrily while gripping each other’s hands and kind of pushing each other back and forth aggressively. It’s pretty intense but also ridiculous. Meanwhile La Brava flees into the woods with her laptop, desperate to hack U.A.’s security and complete Gentle’s mission. Gentle is all “I have to finish this quickly!” and starts bouncing around not really doing anything. Finally, Deku finishes him off with a shoot style roundhouse kick. He sportingly tells Gentle it was a difficult fight (which is a straight up lie but Deku is a nice person okay), right as La Brava comes running back and realizes Gentle has lost. She starts cutely beating Deku with her fists while crying, and Gentle realizes the situation he’s put her in, and that his failure means that she’ll be arrested as well. So he flings Deku away, attempting to make it look like the battle never occurred, and then he hugs La Brava, and then the pros arrive and he surrenders.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 206 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

holy

wtf is happening to him

Deku’s struggling to hold him off, and he seems to be losing his damn mind

yikes

fucking look at this limbo champ right here. how the fuck is he still on his feet

now Gentle is asking Deku why he aspires to be a hero

funny that you should ask that, Gentle! because the thing is, Deku doesn’t actually care about recognition at all. he just wants to be a hero so that he can help others. imagine that

not that there’s anything wrong with wanting recognition. but if that’s the only thing you want, and you’re unable to be satisfied by anything else, you might want to prepare yourself for a lot of disappointment in life. and for the inevitable crisis you’ll have if and when you do ever finally achieve it, only to realize that it doesn’t really change anything and that you’ll still feel hollow inside until you finally realize that what you really wanted was ~love~

which you already have, apparently. so that’s great, dude. (again, just so long as it’s platonic??) I just wish you’d fucking figure it out already

maybe Deku can help him out. Deku?

okay, first of all, HOW DARE YOU with that shot of Nighteye. I DON’T NEED THIS

but on the other hand, having All Might and Inko side by side is A++. like, he genuinely thinks of them as his mom and dad. those are his parents. this is great. All Might, your proposal had better be real classy. don’t try any of that cheesy surprise proposal in public in front of dozens of other people bullshit. she will get super shy and embarrassed. what you should do is take her on a romantic nighttime walk on Dagobah Beach, and tell her this is where you trained with Izuku before giving him OFA, and you’re so grateful that the two of them came into your life, and you can’t imagine it without them. and then you drop down on one knee and you whip out the ring and that’s when you pop the question, bro

anyways I got swept up in my fantasies, but Deku is still continuing his speech here

very nice callback to that “you can be a hero” moment. you know what, I haven’t listened to the OST in a while. I’m gonna put that on

and Gentle seems to be smiling and he’s all “the same, huh”

and now he’s fucking flinging Deku into a nearby tree. rude

wow, La Brava is still committed to the plan and telling herself that Gentle will definitely win, and she’s actually setting up her fucking laptop in the middle of the woods and trying to connect to U.A.’s wireless network

but apparently she is “just barely” out of range

holy shit how far does U.A.’s network extend. is there a reason they need wifi all the way out in the middle of the damn woods? probably so the teachers can dick around on their phones while the students do survival exercises

so she’s picking up the laptop and running!

oh my god lol I almost said “you can do it!!” out loud and then I remembered that I’m supposed to be rooting against her lol

Gentle’s calling after her not to go and that it’s too dangerous on her own

that’s right, there is a werewolf prowling these here woods, don’t forget

anyway, so now Gentle is all “I have to finish this quickly!”

and yes, you do! because Deku has a fucking concert to get to!!

lol. yeah he’s a right pain in the ass, this one, isn’t he

now Gentle is losing his damn mind and he’s all “I’LL BEAT YOU EVEN IF IT MEANS DISREGARDING EVERYTHING THAT I STAND FOR, BASICALLY!!”

I was going to be all sarcastic and like “yes, nothing says respect like trying to beat the shit out of someone.” but then I remembered that this is shounen and that actually is how people show respect, like, all the time. so okay, yeah, that’s fair

AHHHHH YESSSSS

HOUNDDOG AND ECTO TO THE RESCUE

sorry my cute lil bean, looks like the jig is up

LMAOOOOOOO

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE PANEL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING SERIES. RIP KOUTA PUNCHING DEKU IN THE NUTS, 2018-2019

holy shit I keep looking at it and cracking the fuck up. his face. HIS DRAMATIC HAND GESTURES. DEKU OUT HERE LOSING HIS GD MIND AND I’M LIVING FOR IT

anyway, so it’s about time he fired an air gun with his left hand! yeesh

and now he’s finally finishing him off!!

this is a total Katsuki move. rotating in midair. and then finishing with an Iida move. I like this. I like this a lot

Deku there’s no need to try and spare his feelings. why you lyin bro. “of all the battles I’ve fought till now, this was... one of them”

(ETA: but seriously though. this has to be the first fight he’s ever been in where he didn’t even need any patching up afterwards. this was not even remotely a challenge for him. this was more like a Disney Channel Original Movie fight where he was more concerned about finishing up in time for the big dance competition)

nooooo now La Brava is running back out of the woods and she’s all like “GENTLE THE HEROES ARE COMING--”

nooooooooo

ah so there is a limit. as I thought

and yes, run away La Brava! you’re still so young! you have your whole life ahead of you, don’t throw it all away for this sad old man who flunked out of school 50 years ago and is now trying to be famous. he could have escaped, after all. he’s the one who decided he had to do this for some inexplicable reason

ffff she’s sobbing and telling Deku to “knock it off” and let him go

do you think he’s just going to shrug his shoulders and be like, “oh, sure thing, my bad”

oh my god

definitely one of them. one of the battles. but uh. most difficult? nahhh

listen kid. sometimes people try really hard and they still fail. it happens. maybe next time don’t pour your heart and soul into an assault on a school if you want people to feel bad when you fail

she’s saying Gentle is everything to her and her only light

okay I really want La Brava to make some nicer, more age-appropriate friends who don’t commit as many crimes

(ETA: well okay, the age thing is apparently not an issue, so that’s good. hopefully the two of them have learned their lesson and will be good citizens after they’ve done their time. maybe they’ll let them off with community service)

this is like fucking Zabuza and Haku in the fucking Wave Arc. holy shit. how many years ago was that

(ETA: 19. 19 fucking years ago. holy shit. that is a whole generation)

and now Gentle is belatedly realizing that even though La Brava is innocent (I guess “innocent” here is a relative term), if she gets caught now then she’ll be charged as an accomplice

why didn’t you fucking think about stuff like this before you made a teenage girl your evil sidekick

omg

did he just fucking yeet Deku into the air behind his back

and Deku landed in another one of those elastic air pockets it looks like

so what, you tried to make it look like you didn’t fight Deku and you just somehow happened to end up in the woods outside U.A. all beat up? lol okay then

that was pretty dumb but also hilarious. at any rate, I guess we get to go onto the festival now! BRING ME MY BAND AU AND MY HAPPY ERI’S SMILING FACE

no bonus, but look, Deku survived a 1-on-1 villain fight with no lasting damage, the villain learned a valuable lesson about love and friendship, class A is about to slay the entire U.A. campus with their sound, and All Might is proposing to Inko on the beach. basically life is pretty good.

Jiyong scenario where they're at an awards show and another drunk idol keeps hitting on and touching the reader and GD can see it from the stage where BB are performing and he gets angry/jealous and jumps off the stage mid performance to protect her and she ends up getting in between them to stop them fighting each other. She calms jiyong down by telling him she loves him for the first time, please!! ♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏 ur writing is the best!!

Words: 1288

  Genre: angst – fluff

  Notes: here you go! x

---

     How was Jiyong supposed to concentrate on his performancewhenever he was standing right there?

    Right there, right beside you, with his arm around yourfucking waist.

   God, he had never known fury quite like it before. Sure, he hadbeen jealous. You were attractive, and other people saw that. Jiyonghad had to deal with a few people who had gotten touchy with youbefore, but this was a different ball-game all together. He was onstage. He could do nothing about it, and it was obvious you weregetting fairly uncomfortable with the strange mans attention on you.

   Jiyong needed to do something. He watched on in annoyance as youtried to step out of the mans grip, only for him to follow yourmovements in his attempts to keep his hand on your waist; what did heeven think he was doing? Did he think that pulling you into his sideentirely against your will was going to make you fall for himsomehow? What kind of sense did that have?

   Jiyong clenched his jaw and folded his arms over his chest –this was going to be an awfully long night. He didn't come here toget into a fight with a complete stranger, but lord he couldfeel one brewing.

   And he was aware that he would get into so much trouble if he somuch as laid a hand on the guy.

   But honestly, he was beginning to care less and less about thetrouble he would be in and more about the uncomfortable look on yourface.

   It was whenever the guy leaned in and brushed his lips againstthe space between your shoulder and your neck that Jiyong lost it.

   TOP noticed it first, tried to grab for Jiyong before he couldvolley himself off the stage, but his hand was much too slow andJiyong had already stepped forward long before his member could grabfor him. He launched himself off the side of the stage, causing gaspsto emerge from the shocked crowd, but he didn't care. His mind hadgone blank, the only thought in his mind at this moment being gettingto you, making sure you were okay, and beating the holy hell outof that guy.

   His mind was a blurred fog. You gasped when you saw Jiyongapproaching you, his fists clenched at his side and his jaw tense,fire raging in those gorgeous eyes of his.

   “Ji!” you exclaimed, stumbling away from the man who had nowgone slack at your side, the sight of Jiyong startling him enough forhim to step away from you.

   You pressed your hands into your boyfriends chest, but it waslike you weren't even there. His eyes never once left the strangersown as he reached out, grabbed the fabric of his shirt and tugged himforward.

   “Jiyong!” you cried out, grabbing his arm. “Stop. Stop!You're causing a scene!”

   “Did she not make herself veryclear that she didn't want you touching her when she stepped awayfrom you?” Jiyong growled, still insisting on pretending like youweren't currently shoving at his chest and prying at his arms in anyand all attempts to get him off of this man.

   The man whimpered, throwing his head back and wincing. “Listendude, I'm just doing what men do, alright? I didn't-”

   “What men do?” Jiyong scoffed, eyes lighting up. “Youreally are a piece of shit, aren't you? That's my girlfriend you weretouching, my girlfriend who you were making uncomfortable. So unlessyou want me to-”

   “Jiyong!” you exclaimed, finally ducking beneath his arms andputting yourself between the stranger and your boyfriend. Jiyongstumbled back as you did so, releasing the mans shirt and allowinghim to move away – he barely waited a second. He didn't apologiseto you, didn't say anything more to Jiyong before he was running offin the opposite direction, the crowd taunting him with laughter.

   Jiyong's eyes snapped down and met your own, his face immediatelysoftening at the sight of you. Your own jaw was clenched, hands onyour hips as you shook your head at him.

    He inhaled deeply, ran his hands through his hair as theremainder of his anger seeped out of his body.

   “I'm sorry,” he mumbled. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just –I got protective again. I can't help it. When he has his hands allover you, all over what's mine, I just get so worked up.”

   You pursed your lips. For a second, Jiyong thought you were stillangry at him. He thought you were going to call him stupid, break upwith him in front of this crowd of thousands who all had theirattention on the two of you now.

   Neither of you paid them any attention, instead keeping your eyeslocked on each other. It was as if the rest of the world didn'texist, even as you glared at him.

    Because even though you were glaring at him, he couldn't helpbut admit that you still looked absolutely beautiful. Looking intoyour eyes, as angry as they were, reminded him why he had fallen inlove with you in the first place.

   Although love was never a word he had used before, even though hevery much wanted to.

   “Kwon Jiyong, you really are an oblivious idiot,” you saidsuddenly. Jiyong raised a slitted brow, mouth opening but no wordscame to him – how was he meant to reply to that?

   You chuckled and shook your head, leaning forward and pressingyour brow against his own. His breath left him at a moments notice,his hands clenching at his sides as he fought off the urge to wraphis arms around your waist and tug you into him – the crowd wouldsurely eat that up, and he didn't quite want to give in to theirassumptions at the moment.

    “I love you. Only you.”

   The words were a merewhisper. If Jiyong had been none the wiser, he would have assumedthat it was merely a breeze grazing past his face, perhaps yourbreath tickling his skin. You had said them so quietly, not wantingthe crowd to hear – not just yet. This was your and his moment, andyou clearly wanted to cherish that for a little while longer.

   Jiyong's chest constricted, his heart thumping in his chest, butit was no longer from the anger he had previously felt. It wasbecause he was looking down at you, and you were smiling up at him,and there wasn't a person in this damn world who he would ratherspend every moment of every day with.

   The realisation was like a truck clashing into the side of him. Afeeling so surreal, so sudden and startling that he very nearly hadto stumble back just to catch his breath. But God forbid he break thecontact with you now. He was very nearly losing his self restraint asit was.

    “You're not just saying that to calm me down, are you?” heasked.

   You chuckled, shaking your head. “No. I mean it.”

     “Thank god,” he grunted, before he responded to yourconfession by pressing his lips to yours. The crowd burst into a roarof cheers, confused as to the silent conversation the two of you hadbeen having only seconds before, but Jiyong paid them no attention.He was with you now, and you were safe, and it was his armwrapped around your waist – everything was good. Nothing elsemattered.

~

Welp...

I'm officially depressed.

I keep applying and applying and trying and trying for new job, other work, ect... Keep trying to motivate myself to draw and to write... I even felt up for playing a video game the other day (I didn't play it because my guilt complex overrode my desire to play, but I felt better because I used the time to write instead).

But while I'm drawing... Is not good or what I'm trying to do.

While I write... It's something new again and not the things I want to finish.

I have work... But I can't even see my own siblings when we live in the same house because of my schedule... Let alone have any friends to regularly talk to. And no one else will hire me...

I'm not TRYING to be a negative Nelly... I know the good things are good things regardless of how I feel about them... But once again I'm crushed by not being good ENOUGH... My skills are fine and all that... But I can't push myself like others to make them better. Notable. Worthy of being paid for. I squish myself under pressure if I think anything is TO be paid for even...

*sigh*

I know it's on me I haven't gotten anywhere... Too much fear/anxiety I 'let rule me'...

Honestly... Holding out for that appointment I really hope I get is my last ditch effort here... I want to be able to do it on my own. I'm told over and over and over again I can do these things on my own if I try hard enough- only asking for help when and where I need a literal extra hand, really... But... On my own I'm not making it. I've struggled my entire life trying to do it on my own like that... I don't need much support, but gosh dang it I want to be ALLOWED the support when I do need it instead of being told I need to pull up damn bootstraps I don't even have more than half the time... IE it'd be nice to have a community to reach out to via an official thing like a diagnosis and/or meds to show people it really is real. Not being invisible and a 'hypochondriac'.... I'm not one. I don't WANT to be sick or struggling or miserable or in pain all the gd time. I do so much NOT to be... Too much, even... But I'm not believed even with evidence.

It's just... Really annoying too that because I'm like... 'I think I've been Neurodivergent my entire life', people are like 'oh you're just on the hype train'... Instead of realizing I just finally have a NAME for all the stuff now... All the stuff that's ALWAYS been like this...

I want things to be good. I want not to struggle anymore. I want to be worthy of respect and the good things I work so hard for.

I hope I get that appointment. I hope I get the help I've been working for. I've no more dignity to lose... I will so what I have to to be heard and listened to- even if it means knocking people down some pegs (ie by making the drs who don't listen or help prove they refuse to do so via getting the copies of the notes, refusal to treat letters and all that. I am TIRED).

Lol on a related note... I may finally have a name for just WTF is wrong with my body as well... EDS or Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. APPARENTLY being hyper-mobile in so many/all joints isn't THAT common... And coupled with my weird heart things, the constant fluid/bleeding into my abdomen, the easily bruising, my weird muscles, AND my.. migrating organs... I fits the bill.

Sooo guess what the next thing I'm going to be called a loon for is? Asking for testing for the condition (as my biological mother said we all inherited it bc she has it too and so did her mother and so on-- IE it's a genetic condition, which EDS is!!!) 🤦

Which then leads me to the other thoughts that have been nagging the hell out of me... If it IS EDS... My life expectancy is 100% down... And even before learning that... It's been heavily on my mind with my implants that... I might NOT have them for 50 years... Because already my life expectancy from being a premature baby is like... 36... With eds it's like 46? I might have those backwards... Well... Combine the two issues and em...

I'm mainly worried because I've always had health problems (whiiiiich my main parental unit tried hard to ignore and any turn she could) and of course weird things are happening now...

I need a smoke... (Lol kidding.. I don't smoke, but there are days I wish I did drink or smoke at least recreationally to take some edge off cuz I got nothing like that, really. Too bad I get sick off any of them easily, and I'm allergic to the green stuff 😭)

*sigh*

...

If I could go back and do it again... But I can't.

I'm just... Tying at least one more time to make the rest better.

A fire token economy

We’re back on the edge of extinction and Amber and Natalie are a little more gloom and doom...  Rob receives a fire token and can only assume that it’s from Amber.  Part of him does think it could be from Sandra - oh sweet irony.

Cut to the blue tribe and Ben and Denise are out gathering firewood and he decides to teach her how to find an idol.  Captain obvious says to “look for something you wouldn’t normally find in nature”.  Thanks Ben.

Within minutes, Denise finds it.  It has two parts and has no power without someone holding the other half.  Ben plays it right in not saying she should share it with him, as he easily could have.  This instills trust in her.  After having a moment of being completely bonkers and thinking she should share the info with Parvati, she decides that Adam is the one to hold the other half.  #malcom2.0

Meanwhile, back at the red camp, Yul is shooting bamboo in the air to try to get breadfruit.  He hands off the literal baby fruit of his labor to Kim and is disappointed in how little he was able to retrieve.  Kim knows she’s playing from the bottom due to the stupid poker alliance, so she sets off to find an idol.  Without Ben’s sage wisdom, she relies on her gut and speaks to the spirits of the jungle.  They seemingly work, and she finds her camp’s idol rather quickly.  (sidebar - who is hiding these?!?)  Right as she reads the details, in walk Tony and Nick.  Kim, being practically naked, frantically scurries to hide her idol and proves successful.  Once back with the others she grabs Sophie and asks her to be her other half.  Sophie is like wtf are you telling me this? 

Sophie doesn’t care “If she’s the nicest Texan in the world,” she’s a threat and she will use the knowledge of the idol in the future.

Back to the edge of extinction, Natalie and Amber are given a clue.  They’re overthinking it a lot (I am also watching as the producers highlight the answer, so idk) - they end up searching the entire island for this advantage or item that they can use.  They’re awkward... I feel bad for the amount of 1 on 1 time they have to share.

Amber reluctantly resigns to the fact that maybe the clue is something that isn’t out there today, and maybe it’s just to get them excited for tomorrow.  Natalie goes to get water from the waterwell... and MAYBE..

The WaterWaterwellwall (I know a stretch)... does save Natalie.  She gets an advantage to send back to camp for “safety without power”.  She sends to Jeremy assuming he should still have at least one fire token to send her way in exchange for the advantage.

Jeremy receives and knows immediately that he will take this.  He can leave any tribal council without voting and essentially be safe.  As he said, “these fire tokens are really important”. 

Meanwhile, Tony is losing his gd mind.  He’s trying to not get on peoples’ nerves so he is trying to stay busy.  He builds a ladder to go try to retrieve some fruit.  This ladder is 843298320948208 feet tall and held together by hopes, dreams, and spit.  The tribe is joking that there was no specific ladder clause in their contracts, but that he would certainly be the first one to be medivacked.  Somehow, Tony does not die and makes it up into the trees and retrieves some fruit.

Time for the reward/immunity challenge.  Rob sees that it was, in fact, Amber that was voted out.  He gets it, it’s a game... but he is notably sad.

The challenge - retrieve three keys which will release three trunks.  Get said trunks onto a car... disassemble car... travel under and over a barrier... reassemble car... make a circle dragon puzzle.

There’s some back and forth, but the blue team has a hard time reassembling their car.  Sophie and Sandra, on the puzzle for red, have a good flow and an early lead.  Denise and Rob, on the puzzle for blue, assemble the first portion of the puzzle in record time and they look like they can take this thing.  But then, what in the actual f is Rob doing?!?!  He looks like he is throwing it.  He mansplains to Denise how to separate puzzle pieces by color.  Tony gets in his ear to cheer on his team and Sophie and Sandra keep moving.  Rob and Denise hardly get in a groove and the red team wins in blowout fashion.

Back at camp, Danni is spiraling as she feels excluded from the old schoolers.  She essentially tells Ben that there is an “old” alliance casually in conversation with him and Ethan.

Ethan is cringing and is like, you know Ben is “new” right?!?!  She’s like, uhhhhh.  Danni thinks it would be a good idea to take Parvati out (true), but tells Rob this idea (false).  Rob is like... yea, she’s my number one, but I’ll fist bump you and pretend we good.

The old + Adam think they should get Danni out... she can’t be trusted.  While Adam is thrilled of the old turning on themselves, he does think getting Parv out would be amazing, but he’s too scared to go against the godfather.

At tribal, Ben is all over the place...  he’s saying that the old are paranoid and then the new are paranoid watching the old be paranoid.  #oy

Rob thinks to “alleviate some of the paranoia” they should all empty their bags to see who has an idol.  Denise, who, for the record, should NEVER be in a poker alliance because she makes me nervous just looking at her, stealthily hides her idol on the ground before emptying her bag.  It looks like no one has the idol, and I am so surprised that Ben didn’t (accidentally) blow up her spot.

Danni is voted out and off to the land of ousted ladies she goes.  Before leaving, she bequeathed her fire token to Denise, which is a surprise bc it seemed they had no relationship whatsoever.  Perhaps she can use the token to buy new underpants as she defs shat herself during that whole idol ordeal.

Until next week...

50 More Interesting Questions

The last list of questions that made the rounds sucked, so I (@cavern-of-bells) made my own list! I’ll fill this out myself later, but here’s the blank one to get the ball rolling. The rule is: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Applesauce. I can eat just about anything, and I’ll try darn near anything once, but applesauce slays me. IDK man, the texture just....*shudder* 2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: When your sheets do that thing in the middle of the night, and the corner comes loose and you gotta fix it when you’re all groggy or else just sleep on bare mattress? Drives me crazy. 3. Have you got any useless talents?: I play a mean hand whistle, and abuse it liberally to play the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Also I can wiggle my ears up, down, and in circles. 4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: I always wanted to be a dancer. Too short though, and never did it as a kid. Too old now. 5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: Tom Hiddleston. Mila Kunis. Natalie Portman. Idris Elba. Cha Seung-won 6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Reading. I used to get in trouble for reading too much - I’d sit up in my window at all hours of the night, reading by the light of our neighbor’s porch lamp. The worst punishment my parents ever came up with was taking all the books out of my room. 7. What is something you’re proud of?: I’ve had a couple of short stories published in a literary journal. I also worked as an editor for one, briefly. 8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Being chronically late. It’s so disrespectful, and just says that you care more about yourself than others. 9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: Neither? I tend to do my own thing, frankly. I’m happy doing either though. 10. What kind of student are/were you?: I was always fairly good, though I have a real problem with procrastination.  11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: On a whim, I sent a Myspace (remember that?) message to my old dorm friend from college years after graduation, a boy who lived on the floor above me and who I spent most of my freshman year pining after his roommate. When we finally connected, ostensibly for coffee just to catch up, he asked me if I wanted to actually go to coffee, or if I wanted to take a chance on the ‘Mystery Option’, as he put it.

I chose the Mystery Option, and we’ve been together for 11 years now.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: I hate anything related to parasites. Like, run screaming from the room if they’re in a movie or on TV. I still haven’t been able to watch any Aliens movie. 13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Jane Foster, from the Marvel cinematic universe. She’s earnest and awkward and passionate and smart, and I love her so, so much. 14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I’m usually a happy drunk, who gets up to shenanigans.  15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: It takes me a long time. All of the men who’ve confessed to me have done so so? Fast? And I’m just...really? I never can reciprocate right away. 16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend is worth a thousand casuals. 17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: A bit of both. When it comes to certain things I’m a chaotic mess, and other things I’m a complete organizational neat freak. It’s mostly just a matter of how important it is to me. That being said, I can’t abide clutter for long. After awhile I lose my GD mind and have to straighten things up. 18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: An overstuffed window seat in an old Victorian manor, with a view of a rainstorm outside, with a pot of tea and a good book in hand. 19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: I have 3. One is thirteen, one is six, and one is two. 20. What was your favorite book as a child? Beauty, by Robin McKinley 21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: 50 Shades of Gray. And all of the Transformers movies, those look awful. 22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Being alone. Driving a fast car on a warm summer’s night on a windy country road, with the windows down, radio up, just me and my thoughts and my hair loose in the wind. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. 23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Barack Obama. I think he probably would make for fascinating conversation, and he’d handle the entire situation with grace and aplomb. 24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Take a very specific trip in Asia - fly in to Sapporo, ride the trains and such south through Japan, and take a ferry from Osaka to Busan, to fly home from Seoul. We have tentative plans for 2019, let’s see if those pan out! 25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I tend to keep my opinions to myself, unless I feel pretty comfortable with the people I’m talking to. I don’t handle conflict well. 26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: Oh man, I tend to avoid most but...in the early aughts I had a terrible haircut, long in the front and super short and spiky in the back, and I thought it was so punk and cool. 27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: See the above answer ^ 28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: People who can make small talk easily. My husband is one of those, and I usually just stand back and watch in awe as he makes anyone comfortable in about ten seconds flat. He’s a champion schmoozer. 29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): People always default to kitchen gadgets for me, and I’m 100% ok with this. I have the best stocked kitchen I know. 30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: Sadly, no. I can still speak a smattering of French and Spanish, but nothing resembling conversational fluency. 31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Sometimes both. I love the outdoors and the silence and solitude of it all, especially a thick mossy forest of towering fir trees. (I blame being from the Northwest) But at the same time, I love the energy of a city and all the experiences you can have there. I’d die without new restaurants to try, or having a plethora of grocery stores to find whatever obscure ingredient I want from. 32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Snorkeling. I am a passable swimmer at best, and deep water scares me, but there was just so much to look at! And TURTLES! I was too busy looking at everything to be even remotely nervous. 33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: Absolutely not. I’d rather crawl into a hole and die - I leave making a spectacle of himself to Mr. Otome, and I just watch with amusement from the sidelines. 34. Favorite holiday?: Halloween, all the way. We go big, decorate like mad, have a huge party, get hundreds of trick or treaters. I LOVE IT ALL. 35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: I’m a planner, at least for the big picture. I can fudge the details but I gotta have a framework or I go crazy. 36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) : I wish I could experience Mass Effect all over again, from the start. I’d still fall in love with my awkward digital alien husband Garrus, I know, but it’d be nice to do it all fresh. 37. What hobbies do you have?: I cook and bake, obviously. I sew, do a bit of cosplay, and I knit. I read anything I can get my hands on, run semi-regularly, and also enjoy writing.  38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: The ability to find lost things. I’m not even talking Important Stuff like the Ark of the Covenant or Amelia Earhart - I’d just like to reliably know where the eff I put my car keys most days. 39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: That I can sing so well. My speaking voice is meh and one of the things I like the least about myself, so when I do sing people are always shocked. 40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That you have to live life for yourself. You can’t go about it deferring to other people’s whims or wishes - and there’s a time and a place to put your foot down and say, enough. There’s a difference between looking out for yourself, and being selfish.  41. Worst injury you’ve had? I’ve lived a pretty charmed life in this department. Maybe the time my little brother broke two of my fingers as a kid, smashing them with a rock. 42. Any morbid fascinations?: Serial killers and true crime stories. It’s awful and I cringe, but I love listening to those sorts of podcasts while I knit. 43. Describe your sense of humor: Dry and sarcastic. I’m the one who’s quiet for an entire conversation, and then comes in at the end with the cutting remark that has everyone both laughing and wondering where the heck I’d been the whole time. 44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: Honestly, as romantic as the past sounds, I know objectively how awful it all was for one reason or another. Whether it’s because health care was a joke, or women were treated horribly...but if I could have a perfect, romanticized version of the past, I’d say maybe 9th or 10th century Scandinavia. I love Vikings and Norse mythology. 45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Opening beer bottles. I haven’t the foggiest clue why, but I always have to have someone else do it, or else I’ll end up wearing most of it. 46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: My first marriage. It didn’t even suck for any dramatic reason, it was just a bad decision and a mistake for the both of us, a couple of dumb kids - but like all of the best sorts of mistakes I learned an inconceivable amount, about myself and life. And I got a pretty killer son out of it. I’d never trade a sad day of it for anything. 47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tattoo all the way, I think. I could always have it modified later maybe? 48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: I think I’m pretty optimistic actually. Or maybe just realistic. I don’t get flustered or worked up over much, because I definitely tend towards the ‘I’ve done what I can - what happens now will happen and there’s no sense wasting energy worrying over what I personally can’t change.’ 49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: Compliment me on something I chose, or thought, or created. Compliments on looks are meaningless, since they’re entirely out of your control. 50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I’m always labeled the quiet one, and some people let that mistakenly translate to apathy or disinterest.

A lot of the people I’d tag were already done, but I’d like to see answers from @deathatintervals @catchthespade @amigoingbananas and @fooljshgirl

Grateful Dead Monthly: Madison Square Garden – New York, NY 9/18/87

On Friday, September 18, 1987, the Grateful Dead played Madison Square Garden in New York City. It was the middle of a five-show run at the fabled venue.

MSG, which opened in 1968, sits atop Penn Station in Midtown Manhattan. It’s the home of the NBA’s New York Knicks, the WNBA’s New York Liberty, and the NHL’s New York Rangers. It’s also become a “home away from home” for Phish, who squatted there for this summer’s amazing Baker’s Dozen series of thirteen shows over seventeen nights. LN GD guru ECM was at a few of those Phish shows.

As I’ve mentioned, Ed is a great resource for these posts. He does the primary research – photos, links, comments from the Live Music Archive – and I do the prattle. Our process is pretty simple. Typically, I ask him for a few options of shows in the upcoming month that we can cover. He gives me a list. We chat about that, and decide. Then I get an email with a ton of material. This month was different.

In early August, here was the list:

1970 – 9/19 or 9/20 Fillmore East

1972 – throw a dart. there are so many good ones

1974 – 9/11 or 9/18

1975 – 9/28 Golden Gate Park

1977 – 9/3 Englishtown (40 year anniversary)

1978 – 9/2 Giants Stadium (raise $$ for Egypt)

1979 – 9/1 or 9/2 (super long Let It Grow)

1980 – 9/6 Lewiston (Labor Day weekend), 9/2 Rochester (filler on Dicks Picks) or one of the Warfield shows

1981 – 9/26 Buffalo (I think either [GDC members] Fen or Butch or both are big proponents of this show)

1983 – 9/2 Boise or 9/11 Santa Fe

1985 – 9/7 Red Rocks

1987 – 9/18 MSG (30 year anniversary)

1989 – 9/29 Shoreline (Death Don’t bust out)

1990 – one of the shows from MSG – 9/16, 9/19 or 9/20

1991 – 9/26 Boston

My response was sorta non-committal. ” ’87 or ’89 would be fun, but maybe save ’89 for October?”

Little did I know that 9/18/87 was not only a fun show, but also part of my dear friend’s life. He called it, and said, “I’ll work on a brief fan account and get that to you soon.”

What a fan account.  Ladies and Gentlemen, Ed Martin…

It’s hard to believe that I saw this show 30 years ago. The Dead created an enormous amount of momentum in the two months before the start of the band’s much anticipated Fall Tour in 1987. Over the summer, the band released In The Dark, its first studio album since 1979 which resulted in a Top 10 Billboard hit single and its first-ever video on MTV with Touch of Grey, The buzz about the new album coupled with a highly successful summer tour with Bob Dylan thrust the Dead into the spotlight. As a result, everything changed. Suddenly it was cool to like the Grateful Dead and it was fashionable to wear tie-dyed clothing. New fans – referred to by vets as “Touch-Heads” – flooded the scene. So, it was not surprising that tickets were tough to come by for the fall tour. I was lucky to have received mail-order tickets from GDTS for three shows at Madison Square Garden – Sept. 18, 19 and 20. The weeks leading up these shows were very exciting as I began to hear great reviews from friends who attended the shows in Providence and Landover (no internet back then). The band was playing well and had added a bunch of exciting cover songs to their vast repertoire including Devil with the Blues Dress On/Good Golly Miss Molly, Fever and La Bamba, the latter was a song from a movie by the same name that had been released over the summer. In addition, there were new songs that were added as a result of recent collaborations with The Neville Brothers (Hey Pocky Way) and Bob Dylan (All Along The Watchtower, When I Paint My Masterpiece and Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door).

[Photo credit: Billy O. Photography]

By the time Friday September 18, 1987 arrived my excitement could not be contained. I was hoping and praying to see a lot of the songs the band wound up playing that evening. Shakedown, Watchtower, Dew, La Bamba and Knockin’ were high on my list. My seats were good – loge level on the right side near Jerry and Brent. There was a jubilant atmosphere inside the Garden. When the house lights finally went down the rabid, East-Coast audience exploded. Weir takes a moment to joke about levitating Jerry which was a reference to their appearance on The David Letterman Show the previous night. With that the band tears into Hell In A Bucket.  I must confess that Bucket was not the opener I had hoped for. It had been played to death over the summer and was becoming a bit tiresome for me. However, this is about as good a version as one could possibly ask for. Weir’s vocals are confident. He’s so pumped that he is practically spitting the lyrics out. Brent is pounding his keys and Jerry’s distorted guitar runs are searing. The finale has Weir at his 80s falsetto best. Wow! Sugaree was not unexpected. It was a common pairing with Bucket for show as a show opener at the time. Walkin’ Blues is next. It had been played only a handful of times in 1985 but was reintroduced by Weir at the San Francisco Civic Center on 1/28/87 presumably as another option for the “blues slot” to keep things fresh. It remained part of the band’s regular repertoire through the end. Once again, Weir is in terrific voice and is in total command of this version. Jerry follows that up with Candyman which is one of those little nuggets like Row Jimmy, Althea and High Time that I never tire of seeing. Candyman had taken on a new significance since Jerry’s return from his diabetic coma – “Won’t you tell everybody you meet that the Candyman’s in town.” Garcia’s solo on this version is glorious. I was floating. I never wanted it to end. Weir chooses When I Paint My Masterpiece, the first of three songs from the Dylan catalog that will be played that evening. The band premiered Masterpiece at Ventura on 6/13/87 complete with an engaging 2-part-harmony arrangement accompanied by Garcia. This upbeat version is stellar. A soaring Bird Song follows and the energy with which it is played matches everything that preceded it. The band brings it to an incredible peak and then just as we are all getting started the band pulls the rug out from underneath us and closes the first set out after only 6 songs. What?

[Photo credit: Billy O. Photography]

Fortunately, the break was not too long. Continuing with the same high level of energy, the band opens the second set with the only logical choice under the circumstances – Shakedown Street. It was on my wish list so I was ecstatic. The Garden explodes with appreciation as the band crashes into the opening D-minor chord. This is a speedy version that is very similar to the incredible version they played in Pittsburgh on 7/6/87. Madison Square Garden is instantly transformed into a dance party. Heads are bobbing, bodies are gyrating. Huge smiles everywhere. People are getting DOWN. Once again, Garcia’s vocals are assertive. The “Beat Out Loud” verse is sung with authority and the “Poke Around” vocal scatting sets up the jam that follows perfectly. Garcia finds a pattern he likes and plays it repeatedly. The crowd surges with ecstasy. Having reached the peak, the band cuts it short just like they did in Bird Song and continues the party with Women Are Smarter. They slow things down again with a strong Terrapin which leads to Drums and has everybody scratching their head at the wisdom of a 3-song pre-drums set that lasted just 30 minutes(!) All will be redeemed shortly.

What follows the Drums and Space segment is a thing of which dreams are made. GDTRFB > Watchtower is high octane 80s Dead at its very best. Watchtower made it debut at the Greek Theater on 6/20/87 and Garcia was blowing the doors off it with his searing leads. This version is one of the better ones. At the conclusion of Watchtower are a few descending notes and a brief moment of silence where the entire world seems to hangs in the balance of what the band will play next. It’s the feeling that is usually associated with the moment of anticipation before the band plays Dark Star. Here, the band plays something almost as sacred – Morning Dew. Over the years, the band had kept Morning Dew kind of rare. However, in 1987 it had been played 13 times already. Not that anybody was complaining! The repetition/practice paid off in spades as the band dropped what is arguably one of the best versions ever – Cornell aside. Most would agree that is one of the top 10 versions ever played. Garcia pours his soul into this one both instrumentally and vocally. His aggressive vocal approach was certainly unique and took every by surprise. Check out how he sings “Where have all the people GONE” and and his inflection on the final “I GUESS it doesn’t matter anywaaaaaaaaay.” along with the way he hangs on that last word. Holy shit! I mean, that is some jaw-dropping, hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-raising, goose bump inducing, chills-down-your-spine shit right there. The rowdy weekend crowd roars with approval. It was startling how fast and loud the reaction was. It sounded like a stadium after the home team won the Super Bowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, etc. Words can not do justice to the reaction. It was mind blowing and it is nothing like I had ever heard before or since then – and I was in attendance for the Dark Stars on 10/16/89 and 3/29/90. Ever the pro, Garcia takes the crowd reaction and responds with a guitar solo for the ages. There is no time to bring this Dew down to a whisper as was customary. This one required a burning solo right from the beginning. His guitar squeals with high-pitched notes. As the band approaches the end the pace quickens. Garcia’s distorted notes are flying at a dizzy pace like they did in Watchtower. Brent’s thundering organ is swirling. Climbing higher and higher. Finally, Garcia hits an impossible note. It’s screeching and it sounds way off-key but, holy shit is he wailing.  He repeats the off-key note with rapid machine gun fire and in the chaos of it all, it makes perfect sense.  I’m losing my mind but II’m not alone. The crowd explodes again. At that moment, everybody knew we had witnessed something so epic that it would be remembered in the legacy of Grateful Dead concerts. Any gripes that people may have had about the concert being too short were quickly forgotten. A finale like that makes a massive statement. Nothing more needed to be said. The band could have put their instruments down and walked off stage without an encore and nobody would have complained. To get Good Lovin’ with La Bamba tossed in was gravy. Obviously feeding off confidence and crowd energy, the band turns in an incredible performance. that brought the house down again. Smiles everywhere – especially when Garcia launched into La Bamba. Bobby’s reprise of Good Lovin’ is filled with falsetto squeals that only further feeds the frenzy. The soothing Knockin’ encore was like church. The Dead destroyed MSG, reducing its fans to a puddle.

Ed Martin / @31daysofdead

Yeah. What he said! This show is fantastic, guys. As well-known reviewer Dr. Flashback quipped on the LMA: “This show simply rocks.” It even made the cut and became part of the massive 30 Trips Around the Sun box set to commemorate the band’s thirty-year career on their fiftieth anniversary. (The header image – pardon the watermark – is from that.) Unfortunately, the official version isn’t on Spotify, but other quality versions are available.

Transport to the Charlie Miller transfer of the soundboard recording HERE.

Transport to the Charlie Miller transfer of the audience recording HERE.

Transport to the MattMan remaster of the soundboard HERE.

And HERE is a decent video of the entire show.

Oh, Jerry and Bobby were on the original David Letterman show the night before. HERE is the YouTube link. They played Dylan’s “When I Paint My Masterpiece.” I watched that in my freshman year dorm room.

Thanks, Ed. Hope I did this one justice. My life is richer because of you.

More soon.

JF

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[CAPARISON'D]

There is no judgment slightly more than kind Now left that wld apply to this suggestive thing

Artlessly done as it is, but like the Earth is artless, Myself the experience of the Earth I have, or

Rather, am able to communicate; sometimes Nothing more than that, and in those cases feel

I am but shavings of selfhood, not so held fully in A Physical Body, yet not even able to accurately

Imitate reality outside of my a priori orb: I always Fail to bring it back: example is one time I was

Supposed to buy pot for this trip to this dude I used To know's house in Martha's Vineyard but thought

Cops / Were throwing shade where I was even tho Probably like one patrol car had driven past me

Or whatever, somewhere on Columbus on the stoop Of this brownstone out of many -it was an affluent

Neighborhood, a few blocks from my house- and Anyway paranoia got to me before the dealer, whose

Name -which was really probably more like a nickname- Was 'Talon' -yo, man.. it's been so long I'd thought of

That. I remember: I ghosted into the / Better, darker Shade of pregnant shade my room had, the one I used

To hate and love at the same time, and which my irritated             Mother oft wld clean up for me, and which smelt of humiliation,

Like a group of people opening your door and immediately Stepping in dog vomit -I feel indifferent about it as I am older

Now, and it's been two years since I dropped The ball and fell out of a window- I mean / Chicken'd

      Out of getting the Pot.- The monotony is I almost Do get it, every time, stuffing it furiously

Into a fannypack i always lose, bc I must lose, it / Then End up having to purchase more fannypacks: o ugly futility: it is

                                        Like when my gf and I lost our wallets pretty  Sequentially, like, within the space of a week, the way

    We [both of us] lose our minds, certainly, every day: and the spirit of-- Reality? It goes and expires, the schmuck, from exposure in snowy

                 Caverns after my 9th goddamn Fannypack. / It hid so long Within the ear and don’t come out but

        As such, by its knotty refusals, tells me how meaning sounds: Now what’s the story here: these heroes, makars, tune

        Up me, leave me a lyric without an epyllion, an extended Sequence of spongy self-regard that grows in the heart of

These strange routes to find my wallet, yet much like         Exposure to cold climates, mayest I find where

Nestles this goon what who stole my griefy solemness

Took my schedule for my weeping: I must meet   My grief-quota, and pushing myself into my findings

I perform more experiments with beakers and shit   But in vain seem to leave my sanity figuratively burnt

In the corner, ignore her either bc I find her precious Or bc I am neglectful, and usually ignorant 

OF the long-time effect of loosening yr circadian Rhythm, which I guess would be apposite to The rhythm of when it was time to cry in public.

Finagling finesse, or robbing silence Of hours and hours / Of record.

Which one is worse? And are either Productive? And will Vaping give

Me early onset Dementia? I don't want to be A dull boy. I feel like buried beneath the concrete

Built of all great men Looms the rind of the thing,

The res' residue of Gd. That prays away inside all heroes

Like the precious goop inside a jelly Donut, a goop or honey / They seem

To acquire endlessly from caverns of perspective As sound the mechanical counting thuds of heart.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

Of all the spooky diameters these figures tell me To follow till the finish, / These podunk palings

Are the worst. Stretching up the road indeterminately            To someplace / Out of sight and that

The poet is not even sure is actually there. The thing you have done, the court of bees in

My head tell me, While you do not mind a response To this yet you tiptoe / Over that, puts pressure on

The work of a gaggle / Of random bros that can clone Themselves / Sifting into creation like wild atomic dust.

I hear this propounding from the court of bees, Crones lift up the light to me like strange furniture,

Double over under its [wait] weight and drop that Massive coffin of light into the local undrained swamp.

                              In that fabulous mire will yr body sleep; you will always               Harbor / In your chest that detailed yet subtle truth about you nobody

Knws about for certain, the thing you had no choice to Be, that blurs yr eyes, I speak of it you, saith the swarm.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

Honestly, write as speech of moment, yeh: Stuff about / The time passing, your thighmuscles

Clenching as you sit here realizing u clench Yr ass too, and then everything goes

Into this goofy rhythm of tearsdrops of moment And the same your toes, / Some anxiety hoping

To accelerate the past / From you and your palings. Surrounding you, as if to jump you for money-

-Flits the doom that could fit in like I didn't in Highschool; yes I became the cliché misfit as

The spirit’s lull in me, waiting for shitty misfit Carnage to end: I had to welcome it, it was

The life of me, it was either that or liberation From life-entire. Almost dozing off, the security

    Guard in my brain hears a rustling in the bushes. / Try                             To deck out these pithy voices in something

Nice and acceptable, a'saith, said The Bees, and Said the Bees, End up shaking no crown, / Nor did free myself

Of anything for nothing at all but what I did, a crime that Is, of being th the hellish flower flowering out my Lungs, into your basic realm with every breath,

As the voice of the speaker Of the pome seems undecided on who

Is actually speaking, me or you, I'd say The only thing to do is duel it out, poet

And the carnage in my hands, coming In frank whorls of feeling that efface

My sense of balance with its own glee Of shaky grip, which I trust, and I boil

With the energy / Of fifteen Wellbutrin today. I am left here to my work that's called, "To be all

The way true with myself" Which comes From this very domepiece here, you all. That I-

-Can ever be an audience to myself, forever, Is enough of an accomplishment as a poet.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

The writing, tho, is another voice telling me about Myself, knocking on my skull for hollow spots

To take a sledgehammer to. It drifts, I think, / Thru many People, explaining whatever's holy around them: like ticks

Finding weeds by the broken gate That grow in an unnatural sort of way like

        They got sprayed with chemicals Or something, though,

Perhaps the ground is bad, by the broken gate. Where I make my desolate way to work,

                                 Have my desolate work done, or to say, this crime:            I say my continuum: I despoil my ego, sure, but that is not the crime. I-

-Intend the risk, but have in me some coward Pushing back, repeatedly asking me if I'm

Crazy or something: suddenly I am fallen To the breaches of the World, so as to find

My Gd., the one that is the baroque one, And wriggle about as if I was a child on her

First plane ride: my ears hurting popping Cabin pressure and hellish something

Outing my innermost / What if's about The Baby; so it, like conjuring a thesis

Statement, shapes something of all That contradicting Clay into

Something my inner nobody can handle, frail as he is he Lays muted, finally attached to the beauty / Of the flower

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

In my lungs. Go inside an Outside place, something says,

Permeating thru a fog of voices, Pieces, The bees they are long gone,

And I am not alone: so: notice Yr location, detail by detail,

The plain sense here is there: My symmetry is more than bothered air:

It is calls to me made by the telephone: I listen patiently to the dialtone as it weeps,

All things then taking on a character of Consciousness. I apply my consciousness

To others, like ravens do maybe. And then It is / Almost done, as is the inching doom:

I should b at this moment receiving Nourishment from feeding Tube, A coma patient suspended in Unbroken sleep, loved ones hoping He'll waken to his will again, Those I love / Doubly forsaken By me who thought he ws. forsaken

By the World.-- This perpetuity is a moody little fate I have in me, It is the location I notice, like you said, you, thru The fog. Happy? Now it won't leave. It is like A mouse i'the wainscot [Dickinson] / Telling me Myself, poet or perhaps the man, or the opening sun Once more to strange and futile dawns since since I do live, and live: so I am: and I have my own

Special clan of becketts picking Sundries from their asses

Soothing my jagged impressions of the World With familiar image, smoothing like a ironing Board; and, they keep policing the fictions on Which rest the reasoning behind my writing Behavior, why I did a song so very long.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

"Old father old artificer Stand me now and ever in good stead." Rough the linens on my deathbed are, and scratchy, It's wool I always hated the texture of when I was A kid: now of course, am a Loathing Regular of All On the internet, / Intent on memes to the last, he was, That's what it'll say on my epitaph. / In all my strength I say, then, or entreaty my messd up life disappear into

The dawn that I think has something wrong With it, it seems like it is kind of off, like People who are confined in boarding houses For the mentally ill. From my screaming Radio I hear someone selling Cadillacs. It Was not midnight. It was not raining. It was The fence that was my crime, outstretched Into stupid distances like a Wyoming of the Dirty cosmos, dirtier than silence cures the Exegete. I profit sentence by sentence, see,

And the Ars Poetica is a way to send a treatment Of the play to The Hollywood. Sentence is a line Robbing my habitat, until I am inside looking in, For the sky stops at the ground, and that is all. The mirror falls, and I must write out savage Things like this, that make up their mind About what they are, interest only

In keeping symmetrical. My soul needs exit From any light, even of lamp, it needs a Hypnotic Like Ambien to trip out on and slump over Dinner with my family later, still fucked up on It. Then something stops, not time, I do Not want it to be anything like time. Perhaps Verbosity: but I do comment

On epiphanies well enough to know the sound OF epiphany, without knowing what exactly The sudden clarity reveals. Did one look at What one saw, or did one see what

One looked at? -Thats me stealing from Hart Crane. Great artists steal because they see

How a style can be improved, so adopt it, make It better. Such sins amass; the Angels sing, O Theft!

Theft! And I go ahead plant a knife enough a knife for some Australian guy to say, "THATS A KNIFE." But not

Enough to charge anybody with anything, then somehow Twist it into a hate crime, duly distracting The Angels

From their liminal matters of blame upon me I am / Not thieving, I am making belated what Came before me, sort of like Mars in retrograde;

The stiff providence of fences and unlimited Bougie refernces atone for my ubiquitous use

OF all the best parts of everything, to make them Better than they were, written by those

Who wore a style like a 18th century noble Wears a musket: protectively. He honors most My steal, sorry, i mean style, who works under it-

-To destroy the teacher, saith Whitman, But that is love: all he didnt have was a hand On the button ol Kimmy J is foaming at the mouth

To push, destruction is abstraction, sure; Destruction here is used loosely for the sake of Serenity of speaking phrases gone away

Like they all went on a family vacation or something. Bleed, and you will summon presence enough To empty yourself for sleep [Faulkner] or make An infidel of abraham and Split the-

-Planets [Melville] and this cosmos is a trunk Of Blanche Dubois fine french furs, I bet you think this is

That, as on I go in a struggle to prove to everyone That I saw God & junk, on that day I got high On SSRIs and grasped for sense only to find it Under the control of something espionage And aloof, darting eyes not like a villain

But like a Paranoid Raven, then dies me as opposed To not: Reversal of some happy bumps in the day To make up for all the spooky ones in the night That hint at me like the first oncomings of ALS And I have not a feature film but hope the grass Is green as well on this margent of further sides Then abrupt belief, to dive in an' conquer or Repel sense back to Plato's Cave, which is a-

-Reference I shouldnt be using as I oh puritanical collector Of souls, well, I havent read Plato at all but i feel like if i did

Id be made another mans satellite, as Emerson, Somewhat in the vein of Blake, says in his introduction

                     To the essay Nature, I think that's the one. So: A hawk crosses the sky like there was some

A to B GPS followment but it is probably just migrating early. Take everyone back to the city. [Ashbery]

FURTHERANCE