#part of it is just lack of motivation
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Sorry about my inactivity people have been harassing me and my boyfriend lmfao
#update#please forgive my inactivity#part of it is just lack of motivation#but also this#LMFAOOOOO#i love getting harassed by straight girls
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I'm thinking about making a pre-fallen angel q!BBH design soon. When I have the motivation to... But basically my vision for angel qBBH is that he is almost like an antithesis to demon/current q!bbh. Basically, if his demonic form has dark, shadowy void skin, I think it would be perfect if his angelic form looked a little less humanoid and more like a physical form of light itself. Something that is otherworldly, ethereal, and terrifyingly unknown...
Actually, the fact that it's so hard to explain my interpretation right now is kind of perfect, because I think angels are meant to be abstract and so far removed from the physical world, therefore humanity, that you can't really explain them.
I've noticed some people designing angel q!BBH that looks more human, and while I don't think there is anything wrong with that (design characters to your heart's desire <3) in my opinion, angels are beings that the human mind simply can't comprehend. Like, that time when Bad was explaining the whole concept of the 4d time thing, it took someone drawing a diagram for me to understand it, and even then I still have trouble fully comprehending that. That's what angels are, and my interpretation of q!BBH, at least. Plus, it would go so well with him falling, becoming a demon and literally being corrupted by darkness yk?
And when I say symmetrical- like light vs dark, I don't really mean that as a parallel to good vs evil because there are so many gray areas with how heaven vs hell and character morality is presented in the qsmp. So I think heaven/light lines up with order and perfection. A cleanliness that must be kept pure, emotionless, and distant. Whereas hell/darkness is chaos, desire, and flaws that relate more to humanity.
Anyways, I went in a little tangent but basically: angels=light=strict order/harsh justice and demon/falling from heaven= darkness=chaos=humanity.
#qsmp#qsmp badboyhalo#qbbh#i promise i will get to designing and drawing again soon but im having problems w my tablet rn but rest assured i will do this because#its just a really cool idea for me to do#also ive been lacking motivation the past few weeks so i kind of took an art break as well -_-#but yea i just love the fallen angel designs and discussions people do for qbbh idk why but its one of my fav parts of his character-#badboyhalo
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"[Elizabeth Woodville's] piety as queen seems to have been broadly conventional for a fifteenth-century royal, encompassing pilgrimages, membership of various fraternities, a particular devotion to her name saint, notable generosity to the Carthusians, and the foundation of a chantry at Westminster after her son was born there. ['On other occasions she supported planned religious foundations in London, […] made generous gifts to Eton College, and petitioned the pope to extend the circumstances in which indulgences could be acquired by observing the feast of the Visitation']. One possible indicator of a more personal, and more sophisticated, thread in her piety is a book of Hours of the Guardian Angel which Sutton and Visser-Fuchs have argued was commissioned for her, very possibly at her request."
-J.L. Laynesmith, "Elizabeth Woodville: The Knight's Widow", "Later Plantagenet and Wars of the Roses Consorts: Power, Influence, Dynasty"
#historicwomendaily#elizabeth woodville#my post#friendly reminder that there's nothing indicating that Elizabeth was exceptionally pious or that her piety was 'beyond purely conventional'#(something first claimed by Anne Crawford who simultaneously claimed that Elizabeth was 'grasping and totally lacking in scruple' so...)#EW's piety as queen may have stood out compared to former 15th century predecessors and definitely stood out compared to her husband#but her actions in themselves were not especially novel or 'beyond normal' and by themselves don't indicate unusual piety on her part#As Laynesmith's more recent research observes they seem to have been 'broadly conventional'#A conclusion arrived at Derek Neal as well who also points out that in general queens and elite noblewomen simply had wider means#of 'visible material expression of [their] personal devotion' - and also emphasizes how we should look at their wider circumstances#to understand their actions (eg: the death of Elizabeth's son George in 1479 as a motivating factor)#It's nice that we know a bit about Elizabeth's more personal piety - for eg she seems to have developed an attachment to Westminster Abbey#It's possible her (outward) piety increased across her queenship - she undertook most of her religious projects in later years#But again - none of them indicate the *level* of her piety (ie: they don't indicate that she was beyond conventionally pious)#By 1475 it seems that contemporaries identified Cecily Neville as the most personally devout from the Yorkist family#(though Elizabeth and even Cecily's sons were far greater patrons)#I think people also assume this because of her retirement to Westminster post 1485#which doesn't work because 1) we don't actually know when she retired? as Laynesmith says there is no actual evidence for the traditional#date of 12 February 1487#2) she had very secular reasons for retiring (grief over the death of her children? her lack of dower lands or estates which most other#widows had? her options were very limited; choosing to reside in the abbey is not particularly surprising. it's a massive and unneeded jump#to claim that it was motivated solely by piety (especially because it wasn't a complete 'retirement' in the way people assume it was)#I think historians have a habit of using her piety as a GOTCHA!' point against her vilification - which is a flawed and stupid argument#Elizabeth could be the most pious individual in the world and still be the pantomime villain Ricardians/Yorkists claim she was#They're not mutually exclusive; this line of thinking is useless#I think this also stems from the fact that we simply know very little about Elizabeth as an individual (ie: her hobbies/interests)#certainly far less than we do for other prominent women Margaret of Anjou; Elizabeth of York;; Cecily Neville or Margaret Beaufort#and I think rather than emphasizing that gap of knowledge her historians merely try to fill it up with 'she was pious!'#which is ... an incredibly lackluster take. I think it's better to just acknowledge that we don't know much about this historical figure#ie: I do wish that her piety and patronage was emphasized more yes. but it shouldn't flip too far to the other side either.
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hey. have you all heard about this. they’re making a squid game reality tv show. like an actual squid games. have you heard about that. did you hear about amazon also planning a disco elysium tv series, and a life is strange tv series? of course we already have rings of power and then over on HBO we have the last of us and then wherever that shit halo show is streaming. and don’t forget all the star wars spin offs whose taglines are “the revolution will be televised” while being streamed by one of the worst media companies of all time who uses their billions of dollars to support bigots in the government and create military propaganda. have you heard about the booktok industry plant? have you heard about that author who gets their agent to spoon-feed them tropes so they can write the most soulless, bland fanfic that they can then repackage as a YA novel (she’s a new york times best-selling author btw) have you heard about all of that?
the creative industry is so discouraging right now. sometimes i really struggle to find any motivation at all when i see the way certain stories are treated - completely bastardized, milked for all their worth (and then beaten like a dead horse just for good measure) or otherwise you have creators that clearly could not care less, nothing but a cash grab with a pretty coat of paint, usually piggybacking off of trends or just using a pre-existing media (because then you already have a pre-existing fanbase. easy money!) and i’m not going to pretend like i understand how all of it works, what the process is from book/game to movie deal to netflix show but i will say i hate that this is the “goal” now, that this seems to be the expectation with so much art these days, whether the creator wants it or not.
it’s all just so... bleak.
#anyways. sorry i saw the squid games thing this morning and snapped i guess#obviously im under no delusion that any of this would ever apply to tnp or anything i write at all#but it's still really discouraging. it's still hard to find the motivation to create in this kind of grim capitalist environment...#especially when it comes to games which are already underappreciated#and i really dislike the games to movies/shows trend#the level design the mechanics the music the art style all of that is just as integral to the story as the dialogue and narrative itself#games are a way to experience a story it's a different way of telling a story. it loses meaning when you strip that away. imo#as someone who 'makes games' i guess.#like with IF the whole POINT is the player interaction#the choices#and there are so many games out there (literally disco elysium and life is strange) where that's a core mechanic#the last of us it's the opposite#the lack of choice and the railroading of the player is a core mechanic#it's not the same when it's just some actor in a costume. the player is part of the narrative. it's important#sigh. anyways support indie creators i guess#personal
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she had dreams 😪 she had ambitions 😭 she can't stick to a schedule to save her life 🤧
#flexible deadlines are my worst nightmare#this was after rescheduling the uploads twice already#I wanted to and technically could have been done with this part in august schedule wise if my brain didn't hate me#we are so close to the end of part 1 yet here I am with nothing more to post yet#it's not a lack of desire#my motivation to sit and pose is just nonexistent atm#so please bare with me#shut up megan
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“Foreigner’s God” by Hozier: *plays for one verse and half the chorus*
Me: …maybe v.aultghoul is ok, actually.
#it was ''her eyes look sharp and steady into the empty parts of me''#and tbf I never DISliked it in the first place I am just sus of fandom motives#and dgmw v.aultknight is still my pref and primary ship for lucy#but whatever the ghoul and the vaultie have goin on also compels me#polyamorous wasteland squad when tbqh???#re; lucy maclean. ( golden rule motherfucker )#ooc. ( a suspicious lack of dragons )#tbd.
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achievement get (for the billionth time): take one look at an assignment and get severely overwhelmed AND discouraged for the rest of the day and do nothing
#it's so much and it's dishonest work!! literally dishonest because all i can think of is how bullshit a lot of it sounds. instead of#you know?#actually learning anything?#but this thorough lack of motivation is just gonna get me in trouble isnt it. how do i swallow my emotions and figure things out#its getting harder every year and the feeling that the few people i have close by do not ever truly understand - like at all - is horrifyin#yes sorry this is all i could think of for the past six hours. im having a great day (no im not. i also hate myself for feeling this way)#zero.txt#im sure it hurts the few people who care and who thought i'd actually go on to do things to see me constantly wallowing for reasons#that they refuse to comprehend or have compassion for.#just stop being sad! just get to work piece by piece! have some resilience#meanwhile all ive done is cry. maybe a part of me just likes feeling like this i DONT KNOW#and ofc so often im like. the only reason im still around is im quiet and they havent invented thought police#yet.#how can i have hope when the moment i decide to pluck a silver of it out of my core i read something that in a better world would not even-#-be a nightmare#like. you say things like that with your mouth and expect us to mindlessly repeat if we want anything in life...#fuck my stupid baka life <3#ugh im just going in yet another circle now when i know trying to put my feelings in words is not helpful. what IS helpful#negative#again sorry. at least you dont have to open this wall of tags#delete later#maybe
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professors will say that they're "disability friendly" and then set hard deadlines with no late work, require mandatory attendance and also not be accessible outside of specific hours like babe. you're not disability friendly and also if someone has to ask you to grant them disability accomodations, they're not accessible.
#im so fuckin tired#of having to beg and grovel and be like#and make up all these excuses#when the truth is like#i forgot!!!!!! and theyll be like#no we cant accomodate that#as if it isnt a core tenet of my disability.#as if forgetfullness isnt a CORE part of what adhd is#oh and lack of focus. and motivation. gee those both seem like things that might affect schoolwork#and instead its like can i have some accomodations please. and theyre like sure! fill out these 5 forms and then we'll give u someone to#take notes for you#and its like i dont need a fucking note taker i need my professors to stop making it mandatory to go to every single class bc i will#not have the emotional or mental energy for that every single day#or! hey give me a grace period w my fuckin homework#and then neurotypicals will be like#'oh thats not a disability u just want to get out of doing work' my guy. shut up#like its just this fundamental misunderstanding of what disability accomodations are#and the inherent practice of needing to go through all these hoops is so. why.
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sorry writing/content has been spotty lately yall, am suffering /lh
#from lack of motivation for genshin specifically for the most part#i will work through the event asks i prommy <3#obey me just has me in a chokehold atm#and im back on my self insert fic shenanigans#general barks
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Stand by You by Rachel Platten
Omg I remember this song 😭
#I’m singing along while I play it#🥰🥰🥰#I don’t remember when I used to listen to this song?#but I do fully remember it#it’s one of those feel good songs#I’m always a sucker for a motivational song with clapping/a cappella-ish part#excuse my lack of music knowledge I’m blanking on what it’s called when it’s just clapping/drums or beats#not acoustic or a capella bahhh idk but you know what I meann#this song#and uhhh let me think#rise up#and a few others just bring me so much joy and comfort and motivation#thank you for reminding me of this song 🫶#anon me a song to listen to#ask#anon
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i'm. honestly not sure how convinced i am by how ride or die cheng qian suddenly is for the fuyao disciples post 5 year timeskip :p i find it especially hard to believe that he wouldn’t seem to care about reaching new stages in his cultivation journey given how fascinated and eager he used to be about learning things
#i love me a good found family but except for his relationship with yan zhengming the others seem very underdeveloped#it's not hard to think of reasons why he'd care so so fiercly but they're generally just vaguely implied#or the reader is just supposed to project motivations onto cheng qian based on stories they've read with fimilar tropes#fiercely* similar*💀#maybe i am just lamenting thr lack of li yun and han yuan development atm#ive seen that there will be han yuan shenanigans in the future#but im 37% into the novel and those two don't feel any fleshed out at all. given the fact that the POV character has known and lived#with them since the beginning of the novel#fei rambles#like!!! the synopsis and the art made me think it was an ensemble cast but I am not quite feeling the ensemble part of it yet >:(
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Either by stubbornness or stupidity
But I haven’t given up yet
#my art#tw: vent?#Just tired#I feel the hardest part of being a small creator is staying motivated despite the lack of interest or hype in your work#Im super grateful for the handful that always seems to be there to like what I do#but is so hard#especially after all this years of constantly trying to push this career somewhere to no avail#too stubborn or too stupid to stop trying
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still thinking about the upsetting npc I had the displeasure of meeting yesterday. fuck the shivering isles
#and fuck the writers and devs who thought it was even remotely okay to make this shit a gimmick#I'm over here with my life path irreparably altered due to mental disorders I've been medicated for since I was eleven#and had for who knows how long before that#and seeing all of my friends who have had an equally shit time. many of whom are disabled by their mental illness#many of whom have received shit from other people and organisations including hospital and police ON TOP of#the shit they were already have to deal with#who have dealt with huge amounts of abuse and stigma stemming in part from horrendous portrayals just like this#who deserve so much love respect and compassion for what they've gone through#and instead it's THIS. I'm playing through a game expecting nothing#and yet they manage to make a character that is a MOCKERY of an issue that is so sensitive to me#that I've struggled with for a long fucking time and that many people I care about have struggled with too#AND GET IT SO FUCKING WRONG#that's what really gets me!!!!!!! the complete disregard for the actual emotions motives and experience associated with it#do five goddamn fucking minutes of research#and you'll see that that's not how it is at all. that's not remotely how it works or why people have that issue#the complete and utter lack of regard compassion or even BASIC RECOGNITION of the people who are affected by this in the day to day is#staggering#I don't know what the fuck else to say. it's horrifying#it's not more horrifying than anything else in this fucking dlc or following this theme in tes as a whole. it's all bad#but this affected me a lot more bc of the nature of the issue they're bastardising.#anyway.#if you read all of this... that's embarrassing for me lol I'm just yelling#but don't worry about me I'm honestly fine. just frustrated#I really didn't expect to be blindsided by something that as I said is a personal issue to me in such an insensitive way#so it exacerbated my feelings about the dlc#but outside of this and when I'm not thinking about it I'm okay#so don't think I'm having a breakdown or anything.#however if you want to commiserate with me about this dlc please fucking do because I'm so full of yelling about it#anyway#fay rants
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also the lexapro is finally wearing off after like a week. which is kind of crazy because usually it happens like 2 days in. and the brain zaps are driving me insane.
#i think i’m gonna be anti meds for a bit so i can have feelings again and care about things more#i was kind of a robot. the vyvanse was fucking evil on that part.#i’ll just have to work extra hard to get through school but i think if i keep eating healthy and if i start exercising i can clear my mind#the old fashioned way. so far i haven’t touched any junk food in days. i’ve been eating only home cooked meals and whole food snacks (not#the store like actually whole unprocessed food such as yogurt and chicken and fish and honey and berries)#i’ve been really motivated to practice what i believe lately. i hate processed food. i hate tv. i hate sedentary lifestyles and being#antisocial. i hate clicktivism. i hate a lack of spirituality or emotional investment into this life. so i’m going to try to get there.
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( https://www.tumblr.com/sunsetsandsunshine/721281259189518336?source=share )
How is it that I don't have ADHD yet I have this same problem?!? 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Ehhh, although, I guess with me it's a severe lack of motivation than if anything.
And it seems to be getting even worse as the months go by.. 😔
JABSIWKSNSK AW 😭😅 At least we’re twins, Anon ✨💕💗✨
But YEAH, sometimes I get like a million ideas for fics and stuff but when it comes to actually writing it, all that energy I has before just VAMOOSES. It gets annoying at times but sometimes u just gotta roll with it 💔💔💔
For example: I didn’t have any energy WHATSOEVER to finish an English assignment, so I simply didn’t do it. 3 months later he still took in the grade y’all 🤩🤩😘
#That last part was obviously a joke-#Please don’t do what I did-#My English teacher understood that sometimes I lacked motivation for stuff but DO NOT by any means do it 3 months later-#That was my bad 😅#What sometimes helps me is working or talking with a friend abt what you’re doing#Sometimes it gets me excited to start the project since I talked abt it with another individual#Or I just remind myself that I CAN do it#*cOUGhs* 3 MONTHS *cOugHs*#OR I turn off all my electronics and work on the project#Just some stuff that helps me :D#Ik u said u didn’t have ADHD#but I hope some of what I said helped!#Anon#amazing anon#Fics#ADHD
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2/2 Do you crave approval and/or praise?
yeah? what do you mean you don’t like tumpet ? 🎺bwaaa?
#the... normal amount i’d guess#i used to certainly#but i think that’s disappeared as a ‘craving’ in that sense and is a lot more of a mundane form of occasionally seeking reassurance#i get nervous about it sometimes but i’ve been beginning to accept that it’s ok to want to feel out differences in perspectives with others#so that’s fine#also helps a lot with feeling motivated about creative work and other kinds of pursuits#note on that though i am talking about PEER approval the first step in even getting here was being ok approving of myself first#mainly had to do with deprogramming and just. unlearning a bunch of self beliefs (i at least was sorta aware of it but its hard even then)#but once you have that particular baseline of respect for yourself as a person imo you don’t really crave anything so much?#there’s no subsisting off of other people inasmuch as conducting a relationship with them because you’re not trying to replace a lack of it#relating to others in a healthy way very much is about genuinely believing yourself and trusting your own pov first#before you can get to the rest. hell of a climb if you’ve spent any part of your life mostly hearing critical gaslighting or indifference#but in my experience at least it’s a lot of burden off both yourself and the people you care for once you finally make it there#gonna have a hard time constructing anything more if youre not standing on solid ground first (..& hopefully not somewhere prone to floods)
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