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currentlyreadingmanga · 4 years

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Toilet-bound Hanako-kun Chapter 16: The Little Mermaid (Part 1)

Previously: as one of you guys said last chapter, we “went from good boy hours to sad boy hours in a flash”, and I honestly couldn't have said it better myself. Yashiro and Kou are both very good children that just want to look after their new ghost friend (and each other) and I just（*´▽`*) love them very much. But yeah, the last chapter started with an incredibly wholesome and emotional premise and by the end that happened. I’m both excited and terrified to delve back into the story.

Now onto the next chapter!

[You can ignore this but if you’re interested, here’s a small update of where have I been lately: as I’ve mentioned before, around the moment the quarantines started to take effect where I live, I caught a cold and later I found out that I had laryngitis, so all that with the additional anxiety regarding the state the world is in right now, I really wasn’t feeling well enough to take the time to read and write the recaps for the chapters. I’m fine now, I started to feel better by last week. I’m a very anxious person by nature and while my family and friends are doing well, being quarantined this long really didn’t leave me in the best headspace since I tend to worry too much (both of my parents are over 60 years old and two of my best friends each have a family member who underwent heart surgeries recently). Also, I wasn’t sure if posting these recaps would be a good idea with everything that’s going on in the world right now. But I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone would probably welcome a distraction and if these recaps can provide that for someone besides myself (since writing them will give me something to do), then I should go right ahead. So.....yeah......If you’re reading this, please remember to take care and follow the steps that your region has implemented to stay healthy and stop the spread of the virus.]

Okay so before we begin, I have a confession to make: I ended up seeing a spoiler (well, two, but I will mention the other one when it becomes relevant). I’m honestly surprised that it didn’t happen sooner considering how quickly Instagram knows when I start a new series, but yeah, it was bound to happen since I’m pretty behind with the story. I saw a screenshot of one of the anime episodes (idk which one since I stopped watching it when I picked up the manga after watching episode 4) and I saved it so I could put it here:

sooooooooooooo..........yeah.........it’s kind of a bummer. But hey! At least I know one of the theories I threw out there was right. Although, it also brings up a lot more questions regarding their home life because..........why was Amane so beat up when (it seems) he had at least one family member around when he was alive? where does this other child fit into the story? Did he also go to the same school? Does Tsuchigomori know him? Also he looks real cute???? But Hanako looked so terrified when he appeared at the end of last chapter that it makes me not trust him immediately???? You all are probably saying in your heads “well if you just start the fucking chapter you will get some answers” and you know what???? You’re right, I should, damn

Ohhhh right! This is the start of another volume and it looks like our two main boys are on the cover this time.

are you really gonna post the cover page again? you ask. And yes, yes, I will. It’s not my fault that the art style is so good. Things I noticed: it’s silly but I love how Hanako’s disregard for personal space it’s an ongoing factor even on the cover with how he’s grabbing Kou’s face; I really like the contrast between their expressions (how cheeky Hanako looks vs how serious Kou looks); and since they both look like they’re ready for a fight, I’m guessing that this particular volume will possibly present challenges for these two.

The next coloured page is also wonderful. My babies look so cute and ready to tell some ghost stories. I just wanna ruffle their hair, they’re so precious.

Then we have the index and by the looks of it, this volume will focus on two arcs.

And here’s the cover page for this chapter! ...........god, I’ve barely reached the beginning of the chapter, why do I ramble so much.

Anyway, “the little mermaid”, huh? Judging by that title and by the art here, I’m guessing that title refers to Yashiro. Also, there’s a big ass claw on the left side of the page, so does this mean that the mermaid from the first chapter is coming back? Because Hanako said that he had only managed to drive her away momentarily, right? That would be really interesting!

Now directing our attention to the right side of the page...... (⚆.⚆) ......I’m guessing that this is directly related to last chapter’s cliffhanger, if Hanako’s terrified expression is anything to go by.......oh boy, this is gonna be so much f u n

Huh, that’s interesting. “She helped me make it here.” Does that mean that he wasn’t able to be in the school for some reas- wait wait a second. Idk why I’m just now putting two and two together but this boy is also dead, right? So where was he? And he honestly looks just like Hanako, so does that mean they died at around the same time? Did he also go to this school? Because Amane’s attachment to this school is clear (even if he had to take the role of “Hanako-san”) and well, there was also that thing Kou said about his grandmother sealing him away but we don’t know much about that. Would his brother also have a reason to be at the school, and not only that, but also to then have to leave the place? And a big enough reason that he needed someone else’s help to get back, at that?

Another interesting thing: so now we have the confirmation that the suspicious girl is actually his assistant. That brings up the following questions: does Amane’s brother also fills in for “Hanako-san”? Like, is it like a gatcha where you can get either of them when you summon them and lucks decides your fate? Also, with Yashiro and Amane, she became his assistant as an exchange for her wish to become human again? So, I’m thinking that if he also serves as “Hanako-san”, then she could have become his assistant in exchange for a wish, and the question then would be: what did she wish for? And that is tied to other questions that surround her such as: who is she? what are her goals?

Is this recap mostly questions and no answers? yes, that’s how it be, if you’re here expecting me to give you good answers, I’m sorry in advance lol

(ﾟдﾟ；) Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||) ahhhhhh he looks so shaken and ready to cry omg please back away and leave him alone. What is their story??? It’s clear that it is tragic but what could bring about such a reaction? Spoilers: it’s probably gonna destroy me :))))

OHHHHH!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL GO! Hell yeah, protect your boy!! but also the fact that Hanako was so startled that he couldn’t even react fast enough to protect himself even though he had his knife in front of him is very concerning

Oh? I thought the bottle only had tea/water. Why did it do that to him? Because this doesn’t happen to all apparitions, right?

(⚆.⚆)

And just like that, he’s gone. Well. that was certainly a way to make an entrance.

........................okay, listen. I know I said that their story was probably tragic but I was trying to avoid thinking of this possibility because there’s something incredibly heartbreaking about the prospect. And the fact that Hanako looks so terrified only adds a layer of unease to the whole thing. If Hanako did kill him, then it shines a different light to one of the questions I asked before: “why was Amane so beat up when (apparently) he had at least one family member around when he was alive?” because........yikes. I think I had also asked before where would his parents be in the story (since it was still possible that the injuries were inflicted by bullies) and with this development, I’m even more concerned. Since, again, if Hanako killed his own brother and we take into account the rest of the information we’ve been given so far, it’s very possible that it was done in self-defence. And since Hanako was so reluctant to tell Tsuchigomori anything regarding the person who did that to him (going to the extent of saying he forgave them), the culprit being a family member is not farfetched at all.

(ﾟдﾟ；)(ﾟдﾟ；)(ﾟдﾟ；)

Oh, no, sweetie-pie (ಥ﹏ಥ) He looks so distraught! It seems like he had a flashback of some sort judging by him snapping out of it at the end. The evidence just keeps on piling up against his brother and i’m very stre s s ed

Ahhhh and he’s all wobbly while apologizing to her and he leaves and they’re just alone and sad and the donuts are ruined. I’m :c sad :CC

............................is that a fish? because it doesn’t look like the mermaid, so maybe she sent her “minions”? Hanako said that the fish work for the mermaids, right? I’m assuming she’s sending someone to spy on Yashiro since she most likely isn’t ready to give up Yashiro yet (even if Hanako has lessen the effects of the curse).

Next, we see that Yashiro is still thinking about what happened with Hanako while Aoi looks worried about her. Yashiro says “I guess people from different species really can’t understand each other” and “Maybe it would’ve been better if I were a supernatural too” and I mean, I see where she’s coming from. But at the same time, that’s not all there is to it. Yes, it’s obvious that they are gonna have different mindsets, not only because Hanako is a ghost but also because of what he experienced when he was alive. However, I think Hanako’s reluctance to share his past has more to do with personal walls he has probably built around himself than with him being a supernatural. Like, yes, we know that he has had contact with other apparitions in the school, but who knows when was the last time he had the chance to interact with someone as a friend? Even when he was alive we know that he didn’t have friends from his class. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that while I understand Yashiro’s sentiment, her becoming a supernatural wouldn’t really help the situation.

Well, it looks like someone is conveniently ready to grant that wish and judging by the bubbles (?) around the dialogue bubbles, I think it’s the fish from before. And to that, I say no, thanks, chief.

Also

I feel so bad for Aoi, she must be so worried about Yashiro’s ongoing track record of talking to the air.

....................god, everyone is gonna think she’s off her rocker if they don’t think so already

Pfffffffft I love her so much, she’s so silly

But anyway, yes, the fish claim that they are here to “release her from the clutches of that loathsome school mystery” which sounds like a convoluted way to say that they want to take her away. “Our law states that those who have eaten the flesh and blood of our master will eventually become our next master” ohhhhh okay so that’s why they were being so polite, I had thought that they were just trying to butter her up.

Yashiro, no! Don’t fall for it!! I’m not saying that they’re lying about her new status, I’m just saying that she needs to consider the fact that the “men” are most likely not actual men if the fact that the mermaid was a fish with a face is anything to go by. Also, my girl is way too weak in front of the promise of ikemen oh boy please don’t fall for it

They say that they’ve been watching Yashiro these past few days and they think that the way Hanako treats her is “far too barbaric”.

Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. 1) The donut incident: Yes, Hanako shouldn’t have treated her like that, but it’s obvious that he was going through some serious stuff at the moment. 2) He doesn’t speak about himself: I think I mentioned this even during the 4pm bookstacks arc, but that’s Hanako’s choice. It’s his own life story and he gets to decide when to share it. While it would be good for him to open up more to Yashiro since she clearly wants to be his friend and get to know him better, that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy. 3) He takes advantage of her: well, he has been quite reckless at certain points (like when he threw her down the waterfall at Yako’s boundary and when he unknowingly played with her feelings during the confession tree arc), he’s always done his best to protect her from harm. 4) Hanako thinks nothing of her: now that’s just plain wrong. As I’ve just mentioned, he always tries to protect her and we’ve seen in subtle ways that he’s clearly grown fond of her over time. He’s a teasing little shit, but he’s not a bad guy that would string her along without a care in the world. Granted, they can’t possibly know all this, but still. Don’t go dissing my boy like that.

So, they give her a vial with the mermaid’s blood and if she drinks it, her bond with Hanako will be overwritten and her bond with the mermaid will be made official. Oh, and they also say that she then “will cease to transform in reaction to water”................doesn’t- doesn’t that mean she will just be a fish all the time? right??

Okay so they gave her one day to give them an answer.

!!!!!

There he is!! Update: still hot

Yashiro went to him to get him to stop her but he’s really not being helpful. He asks her if he talked with Hanako and Kou. Yashiro says it would be too awkward to talk with Kou after the donuts were destroyed and like........I get it, but still, he would completely understand. Kou is one of the most wholesome boys in existence, he would not hold that against you AND more importantly, he would love to help you in anything you needed. And oh! she says she tried talking to Hanako but she hasn’t been able to find him lately. I’m a bit surprised but also really glad that she realised that this was something that Hanako needed to be aware of. It sucks that Hanako is (most likely) avoiding her, even if it is understandable.

Yashiro points out that Tsuchigomori has known Hanako for a long time and asks him if he could tell her anything about his past. And again, I feel the need to point out that he’s probably gonna tell her when he’s ready to and going about it behind his back is not the best idea.

I’m glad to see that Tsuchigomori is on the same wavelength as me. Hanako obviously carries a heavy burden on his shoulders and it’s best for the truth to come out from his own mouth.

Awww, no, sweetie, it’s not that. I think he does trust you but he’s shielded himself from other people for so long that he has a hard time opening up to anyone. And yeah, Tsuchigomori tells her he’s probably afraid of her finding out (which, again, is understandable) and that, at any rate, she should make her own decision and to make sure that decision is one that she won’t regret.

Well, speak of the devil. Look who was eavesdropping! I’m actually okay with this since Hanako really needed to hear all that (not only what the situation itself is but also how she feels about their relationship).

(ಥ﹏ಥ) someone please give this sweet boy a hug, he needs it (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Atta girl, Yashiro. She’s been having a slow character development as the story progresses and it’s honestly great to see. To me, this shows a good contrast between how easily she jumped from crush to crush and how dedicated she is to stick with Hanako and learn more about him. Yes, they are just friends, but the chemistry they have is undeniable, so I still think it’s a fair comparison.

..................I said they would be fish but still omfg. This manga really is a treasure pffffft

Hey! They snatched her against her will! So much for respecting her answer, huh. Fucking rude. Well......let’s hope Hanako knows how to fish.

Okay, so the fishes are listing her beautiful qualities in her fish form and

Again, fucking rude.

Oh, that’s the end of the chapter..........that felt short. Still a solid chapter, though. I like the slow buildup we’re establishing with Hanako and Yashiro and their relationship and I’m really excited to see how they develop it.

#toilet bound hanako kun #jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk spoilers #tbhk #jshk #live blogging

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toartemis · 5 years

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Speaking with the Wind

As promised, here is the sequel to Feral Without Teeth. I wrote this a bit over a month ago, but got caught up in summer classwork and medical issues, and to top it all off, my beta dipped out of the equation. But here it is! This is part 2 of The Moon’s Serenades series, you can read part one here. If you want to skip it, it’s not necessary to read before this, but it does add some extra flavor. Also, you can read this on Ao3. This isn’t what I think will happen in TQoN, this is just for fun. Creative liberties were taken in the writing of this.

Summary: Jude’s coronation is coming up. She tries finally dealing with her emotions. Magic!Queen!Jude.

Word Count: 7,348

Warnings: Brief mention of sexual situations, overview of anxiety, failing to compartmentalize lol.

Preview:

“For a moment, I considered you might run,” He murmurs. Something about this makes Jude’s throat tighten.

She wants to say she isn’t afraid; that she’s ready for this and that she knows what she’s doing.

But she doesn’t want to lie to him right now.

“Would you let me?” She asks instead.

With the arm he has draped over and around her, he begins tracing patterns delicately on her chest with his long fingers.

“Yes,” He whispers. “If you wanted a life free of chaos and of me, I would let you go. I would do anything so long as you are safe and happy.”

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Vivi's apartment seemed to welcome her with open arms when Jude arrived from Elfhame earlier in the day. From the moment she stepped back into the mortal world, the sky couldn't quite seem to stop pouring down thick sheets of water. For once, Jude found this puzzling. Then, to her surprise, she felt consoled.

During the months of her exile, Jude never paid any attention to things as mundane as weather patterns. She was very much caught up in her deep hole of self-pity, which she wallowed in as gracefully as possible for someone in that same situation. Until the end, at least.

Even before, during her younger years, Jude gave no mind to the weather most days. She focused on strategy training and sword practicing. She focused on staying at Taryn's side and keeping her head down even when she didn't want to.

And when she was caught up in the game of crowns and princes, she had no time to think of sunshine or rain.

But it's different now, Jude supposes. It will be different now.

All day, the mortal world's sky crackled and rolled. Vivi was not home when Jude arrived. She and Oak made their way to Faerie some days ago. With no need to avoid anyone like she usually does, Jude simply made her way to her closet-room and found a place to sit on her bed near the window. The sheets were left untouched from the last morning she was there.

Here Jude sits. Her arm is propped on the window sill and her chin rests atop her hand. She watches the rain come down for hours until midnight comes and goes, until the dark night fades and the early dawn creeps in. Here she lets herself ponder something as simple as the weather for the first time since long before her arrival in Faerie.

Here she thinks of her mother.

Eva loved storms. She remembers this vaguely. Jude always listened intently to her mother when she spoke of them, hanging onto every word. She relishes in those memories now. Those words are blankets of comfort she never let herself yearn for all of her years of betrayal and enchantments and power.

When the wind is silent, be sure to speak. It is listening, and will gobble up your words and make them magic!

Her mother’s voice echoes in her head. Jude smiles at how real Eva’s advice seems now. She knows now the wind really is magical, like how all forests are magic. The wind carries enchantments like the creatures that sit quietly within it waiting to snatch up whispers when people think no one is around. When they think nothing can go wrong. When they think they are perfectly safe. Jude knows this well.

Do not step outside when the wind is howling. Spirits are close.

Don't speak badly of the wind, it will hear you.

Listen when storms speak, it is rude to ignore them.

When the wind dances around you, dance with it, maybe one day it will carry you on an adventure!

Right she was. Jude's life has been an adventure, and she supposes it will be until the end of her days.

She closes her eyes and wishes she could hear the exact tones of her mother's voice in this moment. The storm is speaking outside and droplets of water are pattering against the window. Jude is silent, contemplating and listening. If a few tears have slipped down her cheeks in the past hours, Jude does not care and feels no weakness because of them.

Spending an afternoon thinking about her mother was not the sort escape she had planned, but it led her closer to the peace she was searching for nonetheless.

Jude places hand against the window and watches as it begins to fog around her fingers. The ruby ring on her finger glints gently in the dim moonlight.

She closes her eyes and breathes.

I miss you, Mom.

My coronation is tomorrow. I wonder what you would think if you were here to see it.

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The last few weeks have been unlike anything Jude could have imagined. After her reunion with Cardan, she spent three days with him alone in his chambers. Those moments are more precious to her than she intended for them to be, but then again, she has, of late, been trying to force away old habits of never letting herself have anything good.

So, yes, Jude has kept those days close to her heart. Those memories with him, of kisses and promises, of the two of them letting themselves be without any of their usual games. They are like a fragile star cradled to her chest that has lit her up from the inside. She's done nothing but glow as they began to melt away months of wounds.

But they eventually came to an end, and Cardan had to return to his throne. They'd spoken of what was to come now that Jude was home, but their plans never seemed quite real to her. There were talks of titles and crowns, and a seat to match his on the dais in the throne room. All of it made Jude feel anxious, so she avoided those conversations whenever possible.

Then there was a feast in honor of her return. The Court’s confusion caused by this announcement lasted only seconds and gave way to the idea of more drinking and dancing, the Folks’ favorite things to do.

Everything surrounding the actual event was surreal for Jude. Cardan insisted on a brand new gown to be tailored for her, while Jude was perfectly happy with wearing something simple and countered that a new dress would not be ready in time.

It was ready, though. Turns out a light demand from the High King is as magical as the crown on his head.

Upon waking on the night of the feast, Jude opened her eyes to an empty bed and a grumpy Tatterfell in her face. They did not exchange pleasantries, but Jude complied when the imp told her she was sent to style her hair for the day. She sat in front of a large mirror as Tatterfell expertly pulled her hair into a flattering bun in the shape of a rose at the base of her neck, braiding and knotting some strands as she went. She left quickly after she finished, when Cardan entered his—their—rooms with Jude's new dress in his arms.

"I wanted to give it to you myself," He said, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips. "I described to them what you usually wear. I thought you'd like something that befits you." Jude had given little thought to the rushed tailoring of her new outfit, so it hadn't occurred to her that Cardan might have had a part in the design. The thought was incredibly ridiculous, but her heart fluttered nonetheless.

Jude stood as he laid the dress on his bed and looked expectantly at her. She'd never been one to care much about fashion, but she felt at home as she laid eyes on her new gown. It was made of a thick, smooth material, all white and high-collared with gold embroidery on the neck and lines of the bodice. It looked like a fancier, sleeker version of one of her doublets from her time as the Shadow Queen. The sleeves were long and dipped to the floor, with a heavy, short train featuring more gold patterns. It looked like a perfect mixture of armor and elegance.

It was very her. She couldn't help turning to beam at Cardan, and found him watching her face intently to gauge her reactions.

She had yet to leave his quarters in her few days back in Elfhame, but now that their period of bliss was over, she found she was looking forward to making her entrance back into the Court with Cardan by her side.

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The festivities were in full swing and Jude barely had time to catch her breath as a royal guard announced the arrival of the High King and herself. She felt as if she was being swept along as they entered into the great hall of the palace.

Every eye of the Court was on them in an instant. Despite that being disconcerting to Jude, Cardan seemed in his element with her hooked on his arm, and he strode straight to the middle of the room. What baffled her the most that night were the looks shot their way throughout the revel. Everywhere she glanced there was anger, curiosity, disbelief, and, just once, delight reflected on the faces she saw. Cardan and Jude never parted once during the feast, they stayed properly attached by arms or hands the entire time, even when the occasional Courtier came to mingle with them. They were each other’s lifelines that night. faerie after faerie, creature after creature approached them in waves, the chatter they brought stilted and short.

Jude could tell what was on everyone's minds, but was being left unsaid.

What exactly is her relationship with the High King, and just how solid is it?

Cardan, it seemed, never felt it necessary to mention their marriage during conversation. Jude didn’t study that fact closely, but she did suppose that she had already announced it herself when she was exiled. No one seemed to believe her then, though, so the guessing game the Court was playing was in full-swing. It left a horribly thick tension in the air. Jude could feel sweat cooling on her brow. It had been hours since their arrival, and for a second or two, she wished someone would just ask.

In the end, she took care of it herself.

Shocker.

Jude locked eyes with Oriana, who seemed to be staring at her with some form of indifference, but there was something else lurking in her eyes. Jude decided to file away that away to pick apart another time. Behind her was Madoc, looking off to a door in the palace. Jude quickly tore her eyes away then, and neither one of them approached her. She was so caught in her own thoughts, she barely even noticed Cardan was leading her towards to dais.

"Jude."

She snapped back to attention at the sound of his voice.

"Were you listening?" He asked quietly, face bent towards hers as they skirted the dancing Folk in the middle of the floor.

"No," Was all she said. He raised one impeccable eyebrow at her. She wanted to scoff, but at that moment, Taryn flitted by on Locke’s arm.

Anxiety grew in Jude’s chest. She halted her feet, tugging Cardan to a stop near his throne in the back of the room.

Her eyes caught her sister’s, but neither exchanged words. Jude simply stared at Taryn with a mixture of anger and sadness rolling in her stomach.

Then Cardan had a hand cradled to her face, lifting it so she could look him in the eyes.

"Jude, darling—"

He never finished, because at that moment, they both saw Nicasia strutting towards them at a graceful, yet chilling speed. Jude briefly realized she hadn't seen her at the revel just days ago when she returned to Elfhame, or thought of her at all until this moment, but suddenly they were standing face-to-face.

The fury in Nicasia's eyes was mighty. Cardan tightened his hold on Jude's arm. Without warning, Jude’s mouth acted before her mind could even hope to catch up.

"Lovely to see you again," Jude panicked a bit internally at herself, but was relieved only annoyance could be heard dripping in her voice. Nicasia looked livid, but even with her murderous expression she was stunning. She barely spared Jude a single glance. All her attention was on the High King.

"Is it true?” Nicasia snarled pointedly at Cardan. "You've married in secret?"

Instantaneously, a pin could drop in the room and Jude would be able to hear it. This is what the entire Court has been waiting for.

Cardan said nothing back to her. Jude, even with her thoughts gathered then, decided on her own to exercise that incredible talent she has to piss magical creatures off.

"It was never a secret. I believe I announced it myself some months ago."

A few crazed, thrilled giggles went around the room with some sharp breaths. Her nerves soared with each one.

Oh, the way Nicasia shook with rage. She still did not acknowledge Jude.

"Is this a joke, Cardan? You are the High King, and you married a mortal rat?"

"It’s far from a joke." Cardan said, jaw clenched.

Nicasia snorted. "And you think the Court will accept this? A mortal as their Queen?" This sent whispers through the hall. Jude wanted to knock her pretty teeth in.

"They will." The finality in his voice sent chills down Jude's spine. Nicasia kept on.

"She is nothing compared to you. To us. She is the dirt beneath our feet. Less than vermin. Her kind are born to die. She is bones and dust, she will rot away while you live on, and yet you bind yourself to her."

The Court was on edge, drinking in the sight before them like they were foaming at the mouth, greedy for the dramatics. Jude felt detached from the situation, like she was watching this be said about someone else. Honestly, it was nothing she hadn’t heard before, nothing she hadn’t heard her entire life in Faerie. But Cardan trembled in her hold. Distantly, she was aware of roots cracking out of the ceiling. Jude squeezed his forearm and hoped it was reassuring. Cardan relaxed, and the ceiling settled immediately. He took a breath.

"You, Nicasia, are, and will never be anything compared to her." He was eerily calm, his voice almost sweet.

Nicasia looked like she took a hit to the gut.

"As you so kindly pointed out, I am the High King, and if you speak poorly of my wife again, I will make sure you regret ever crawling out of the sea."

Nicasia gasped.

"Get out," Jude said, feeling more powerful than she thought she could at that moment. Cardan gestured to the guards a few paces away from them, and they marched towards a frightened Nicasia as she backed away.

Jude felt sheer triumph as she watched the girl be led out the doors, hurling insults and threats at the guards.

The Court looked excited yet stricken, and eventually, all eyes peeled from where Nicasia left to settle on them once more. Jude's anxiety returned tenfold. She was trying to process what was happening and what it might mean, but it was too much for the moment.

What is wrong with me? Compartmentalize, Jude. Compartmentalize.

Uncomfortable with all of the attention of the night, Jude looked to Cardan as a way of focusing her scattered thoughts. He was staring off to where Nicasia was just dragged away, and though he looked settled and perfectly regal on the surface, Jude could read him well enough to know that he was close to snapping.

"Can we even do that? To her of all people?" She was mostly sarcastic, but she felt the need to break through the silence surrounding them. The tension left his face.

"We just did." He drawled, then met her gaze with a smirk. "Let's see what happens now."

With that, he turned to their audience where the Roach stood in the crowd. Jude was so caught up in the pandemonium of the recent events that she didn't notice him.

"Find Grimsen," Cardan said, a command loud enough for all to hear. "I need him to make my wife a new crown."

Murmurs spread through the crowd.

The night went quickly after that. The dancing and drinking resumed full swing, the Court seemed well fed off the drama that ensued earlier, and there was even a sense of excitement and celebration in the air. Some Folk even came to give their congratulations to Jude and Cardan, to which Jude took each eerie word spoken to her with caution. They retired to Cardan's rooms soon as it was deemed appropriate, and, for the first time since she had returned, promptly fell asleep without any activities beforehand.

---------

The following weeks were tedious and exhausting. Except for when she accompanied Cardan throughout the day as he signed paperwork and had various meetings, Jude roamed the palace without much to do. She missed the responsibilities of a monarch that she had some months ago. It was quite annoying not officially having a say in things yet. She had, in a sense, her power back, but this time it was public, and she had to bide her time.

So she did, and in the meantime, she had the chance to pay close attention to Cardan.

It was remarkable to see just how much he grew into his role as the High King in just a few months. When she left Elfhame, he was just beginning to hold himself as a true ruler. Now, Jude saw personally that he was born for the title of King.

As Jude slowly integrated herself back into to happenings of the palace, she was also involved in meetings to plan her upcoming coronation. First, there were talks with Grimsen about her crown, and what magic it would hold. Then there was a discussion, albeit short, of what her official title would be. The Council argued with Cardan that he should make her Queen Consort, which sent Jude's nerves spiraling throughout her body, but Cardan viciously crushed that idea immediately.

She is to rule beside me, and her power shall equal mine.

And that was that. She was to be the High Queen of Elfhame through and through.

Jude decided it best that she wait to speak with Madoc until after her coronation.

Plans upon plans were made to ensure extra protection for Jude's ceremony.

She sent a messenger to Vivi, inviting her and Oak to witness her crowning. They arrived the week before. Jude didn’t see why it was necessary for them to arrive so soon, but she was secretly glad because she missed them and they kept her busy.

She caught up with the Bomb and the Roach, and marveled at how much they built up the Court of Shadows in her absence. There were at least twenty new recruits, some of them human.

She spent time with Cardan, which at first was an utterly strange concept in her head. She could never have pictured it happening, but she soon realized that they can simply enjoy each other doing normal things. Jude grasped and held tightly to each memory of them walking and talking in the palace gardens and gazing at the stars while Cardan wrongly interpreted them, which she knew was entirely on purpose. She knows they're both quite terrible at being vulnerable, but they’ve been working on it together, and occasionally making each other laugh along the way.

It was all going smoothly, despite a few bumps in the road, but to Jude this was a problem. She was used to extreme turbulence, not easy, calm waters without much to do. So, her time since she returned—though partially wonderful—has done nothing but slowly set her on edge. She has felt so much built up anticipation that she couldn't bear to sleep for two days before the eve of her coronation. Cardan, in turn, has been on edge as well, though he flitted from being tense to his usual dramatic antics. It just added fuel to Jude’s disquiet.

The night before she was supposed to be crowned, Jude sought out Vivi to ask her a favor. An hour later, around midnight, she was back in the mortal world for some sense of peace and quiet. Instead, she got the sound of a storm, which lulled her anxieties more than silence ever could. It turns out she is still practiced in finding comfort in chaos.

---------

Jude slept at the window until late afternoon in the mortal world. By the time her eyes open, the rain has ceased and the sky is clear. She knows it's early in Faerie, but she decides her time is up here, so she stands and folds her bed back into the sofa, picks up a few strewn items, and leaves with the apartment door locked.

She's back in Elfhame before the sun dips behind the horizon, the doors to the High King’s chambers closing behind her, and Cardan is there waiting. He knew where she was going, she told him before she left, and she feels somewhat settled knowing he was anticipating her return. The sight of him sitting at the end of his bed, hands clasped in his lap, brow furrowed, eyes showing relief as they find her form, causes Jude’s heart to lurch in her chest.

He’s worried. About me.

For some reason, Jude has the sudden urge to cry.

She doesn’t, though. She takes a step forward. Then another. And she’s across the room in seconds, standing before him as he rises to meet her. They’ve gotten better at casual affection and seeking one another’s comfort, but it still doesn’t come easy, so there is a moment of hesitation from Jude and she takes a shaky breath, muddled thoughts clogging her mind that she still can’t shake in moments like these.

Don’t do it, you’ll be giving in.

He doesn’t want this with you.

You can’t trust him.

Turn around and leave.

Hurt him.

But then she sees worry flicker across his features, as his hands twitch where they rest, careful and unthreatening at his sides, and Jude feels guilty. She understands she is an idiot for letting her mind push those thoughts to her attention even now, when they have been learning to prove themselves to one another. She feels tears prick behind her eyes. Maybe she will cry after all.

Now, all she knows is that she has never wanted to be held so badly as she does in this moment. Without letting herself think any longer, she steps into him and wraps her arms around his waist. As soon as she’s against him he reciprocates, embracing her and dipping his face into her neck. In an instant, all the tension leaves Jude’s body. She sags against him, eyelids drooping, muscles loose. She presses her cheek into his shoulder. She never thought something like this could feel so nice.

It’s some time before he scoops her up and onto the bed. They lay pressed against one another, her back to his chest, her knees curled up, his arms cradling her to him, his breath tickling her neck.

“For a moment, I considered you might run,” He murmurs. Something about this makes Jude’s throat tighten.

He thought I’d leave him. That I’d be too scared.

She wants to say she isn’t afraid; that she’s ready for this and that she knows what she’s doing.

But she doesn’t want to lie to him right now.

“Would you let me?” She asks instead.

With the arm he has draped over and around her, he begins tracing patterns delicately on her chest with his long fingers.

“Yes,” He whispers. “If you wanted a life free of chaos and of me, I would let you go. I would do anything so long as you are safe and happy.”

She breathes this in, lets in settle in her. Her eyes close and she stops him making patterns on her skin by bringing a hand up and lacing their fingers together. Jude never thought she would have this: The experience of sharing oneself with another, of living to see that person smile, of someone caring as deeply for her as she does them, of feeling… whole when near them. She wants to say a thousand things to him, but they’re a thousand things she isn’t ready for.

She does say, “I don’t want to leave.” Her tongue feels heavy and her jaw awkward, like she didn’t speak correctly. It’s such a simple thing to say but she feels as if she’s baring her soul for all of Elfhame to see. “I…” She starts, then starts again. Cardan waits, silent. Jude stares at their clasped hands lying together on the coverlets before her, and as she works up her courage, she unlaces them and cautiously runs her fingers over the bones of his wrist and the lines of his palm. She thinks it is probably silly, like something a little girl would do, but Cardan does not give any complaint as she plays with his hand.

“I never want to leave you,” She says, voice barely above a whisper. It is both a relief and an accomplishment. She waits for him to respond, but he doesn’t say anything, just turns her in his arms so they can face one another. When she looks at him, all of her breath leaves her body like she’s been punched in the gut. Cardan has given her many looks since they’ve known each other: looks of anger or indifference, lustful gazes, loving glances, but never has he looked at her the way he is now. Like she is so precious to him that she might break. His eyes are soft. He’s smiling, just barely, but it is a small smile that’s reserved for her.

Jude gives him a matching smile back.

As the palace wakes up, Jude is brought to an unused set of rooms near Cardan's. According to the schedule, they are both to get ready separately, and she will be crowned by him when the moon reaches its zenith. She tries not to think too much about it.

Time passes in waves. Her hair is fixed into an intricate updo with strands framing her face and curling around her cheeks. Her nails are shaped to look pointed and painted black. She wears no jewelry, but her face is painted to smooth out the dark circles under her eyes and make her cheeks glow. Kohl is smudged into alluring shapes around her eyelids, and her lashes have thick substance spread on them to make them longer. Gold adorns her lips in the form of a sheer, sticky liquid that makes her mouth shine at certain angles.

Her coronation gown, which has been kept a mystery to her as much as her crown, is brought to her room as fine flakes of gold are applied to her cheekbones. When she has the chance, she approaches the massive pile of fabric for a better look. This gown seems the exact opposite of the one she wore to the feast some weeks ago.

It is not her at all.

The dress looks like pure magic. It is layers upon layers of gold spider silk and black tulle, with gold leaves spread across the back and around the front, vines of sunset wrapping around the sleeves and twisting off into the air. When Jude gets close enough, she sees that tiny pieces of orange garnet set in gold make up the bodice and are littered about in the black train, which must be close to ten feet in length and covered in leaves as well. She spots a pattern in there as well, and when she looks closer she sees the Greenbriar crest made entirely of jewels encrusted near the end of it.

That’s quite a statement.

Jude thinks this dress looks like the sun, and that it will weigh more than she does.

She's almost right. A team of people arrive to help her into the gown, and it is extraordinarily heavy, but not as much as she thought. Jude couldn't tell before, but the leaves making up the wide, boat neckline swoop with the sleeves, leaving her shoulders bare save the vines curling off of the fabric. The same sticky liquid on her lips and flakes of gold are applied to her collarbones and shoulders before she is allowed to see herself in a grand mirror on the wall.

When Jude catches her eyes in her reflection, she doesn't recognize herself.

At first glance, she thinks she's looking at Taryn, because her face is glowing naturally and her eyes are bright and glittery, save for the sultry smudges. There is a dewy finish to her skin, and the gold on her lips and body looks positively striking. The dress fits her perfectly and accentuates the curve of her hips, but the swell of her breasts disappear in the mix of leaves and gems. She looks—

Magnificent. And terrifying. The cosmetics and gown makes her look hauntingly beautiful, like autumn incarnate, a startling mixture of faerie and human.

Like a queen.

So, no, the dress is not her. But perhaps it is who she is meant to be.

Her entourage helps her into some simple leather slippers—for which she is thankful, because the dress is hard enough to walk in as it is—and leave her to her own devices.

Jude loses track of the amount of time she has spent standing in front of the mirror, but it's long enough that her carefully placed boxes of thoughts start to spill over in her head.

This is really happening.

The mere thought of being crowned High Queen of Elfhame makes her want to lock herself in a room and never come out, and she can't make sense as to why. Is this not what she has worked for her entire life? A place among the Folk, all the power she could ever want, and being, in a sense, better than them.

It's too much.

But she's done it before. She has been the queen behind the puppet king. She has juggled the responsibilities, the poison and schemes, the games with Cardan. Why is this so frightening?

Because it's real, now. A voice says in the back of her mind. You were in the shadows before, playing pretend. This time It's all on you.

Jude's breath hitches.

It's true. It's all different, this time around. She gets her own crown, her own throne, her own power, and she gets to share it with Cardan.

Cardan, though the moment they shared earlier was special and incredible progress, is another thing she's reluctantly filed away in her mind, because he is so different from how he used to be.

Sure, they still hurl insults at each other more often than not, and they still bicker, they're still them, but there’s that something between them, delicate and tender, that’s been there ever since the night she returned. Cardan showers her in compliments when they're alone. He worships her body, tugs playfully on her hair, and traces the shape of her ear while she falls asleep.

Cardan has been a dream, and Jude has been frightened that she will wake up from him, so she has kept a minuscule part of her heart guarded still, even though she knows that they are in this together and sincerely. It is painfully hard for her to be candid about what she feels with him.

And she shouldn’t doubt, but some toxic part of her mind has led her there.

She has doubted them, and herself, and she feels crushing guilt because of it. What Nicasia said the night of the feast brought back every insecurity she felt and insult thrown at her since she was a child, though she tried not to admit it. She is still terrified of the monsters she grew up with. She is terrified of her own mortality. Terrified of not being in control. And now, terrified of losing Cardan.

It’s funny, in a way. If only she could tell her younger self just how important that absolute brat of a boy would become to her. She’d love to see the reaction.

Staring at her own reflection, she steels herself and decides that from this day on, she will be different. She won't let herself lock the thought of them, or of him staying with her, away anymore. She wants every day to be like it was earlier. Just them being honest with one another and holding each other. Them together. Yes, she will embrace herself and her feelings and what she will become.

She is powerful. Cunning. Ambitious. Stronger than most everyone she knows.

A queen, and rightfully so.

There is a knock on the door from across the room behind her. Vivi enters. Jude's gaze stays locked with her own reflection..

"God," Vivi says. "You really look amazing, Jude."

Jude meets her sister’s eyes through the mirror.

"Is it time?" She's glad her own voice sounds mostly put together. It's not how she feels.

Vivi just nods.

Jude turns and strides out of the room, her train as heavy as everything she's felt since she was seven years old.

---------

Vivi leaves her surrounded by guards to take her place in the crowd some distance away from her current destination. She is supposed to begin her procession at an eastern exit to the palace grounds. Her coronation will take place outside under the full moon, and the grounds have been completely transformed—with the help of the High King—so that as many Folk could come as possible. It is riskier than being inside the palace, but it is a risk they are willing to take.

It is a special thing, the crowning of a queen. I want the entire world to see you.

Jude stands where she is told to, exactly where she rehearsed two days prior. Hundreds upon hundreds of bodies line as far as her eyes can see. The sheer mass of creatures that gathered for her procession and crowning sends her stomach swooping.

She takes a deep breath, and she can hear the tiny gems and gold leaves on her gown clinking together as she shifts.

Her job is this: Walk through the crowd, ascend the dais, respond to the ceremonial words Cardan says to her, and wait for him to place her new crown on her head.

It's simple, except she's sort of freaking out.

Another deep breath. And another.

She clenches her fists. Two attendants appear behind her to fix her train in place, fanning it out. Knights flank her sides some paces behind her.

Just breathe.

Before she has the chance to feel prepared, magnificent music plays somewhere in the distance, but the instruments must be enchanted because it sounds like they are in a grand chamber.

The knights lining each foot of her processional pathway stand straighter.

Jude knows it's time to walk.

One foot in front of the other. Just make it to him.

She steps into an old habit and lets a mask fall over her features.

She walks.

The extent at which the grounds were remodeled is much more than she expected. Small hills have risen from the land to allow a vantage place for more eyes to see her. Wiry branches sprout from large white trees spread throughout the crowd and near her path. Lanterns harboring bright orange fire hang from them, and some places she can't make out. They glow like stars, and would provide enough light to properly let her see even if the full moon did not.

Jude was wrong about the hundreds of attendees. There are thousands here. She squares her shoulders and keeps her chin held high.

It really is like the entire world can see me.

Jude sees a strange, radiant light coming from the armor of the knights that she passes, and she realizes that it's from her. The firelight hitting her gown is causing her to glow.

She must look like a deity.

Let them see what I have become.

The flowers beneath her feet bend away from her as she passes over them. Finally, she sees the dais in the distance. Stone steps have been laid into a new hill that stands higher than the rest. Torches line the stairway and light the area at the top, where she can see Cardan beneath another white tree, bigger and more glorious than the rest. She can't see his face from this distance, but she knows he is watching her with all the rest.

A few times, she glances to the crowd around her. She sees a mixture of emotions across different faces: there is anger, yes, but surprisingly more envy and excitement.

Maybe they won't accept me. They will just need to learn how to live with the knowledge that I bested them all.

She's yards from the stairway before she even realizes, but before she rises, she looks to her left.

There is her family.

Oak, who looks mesmerized. He's beaming at her.

Vivi, who looks incredibly proud, smirks.

Oriana is there by Oak, and Madoc stands beside her with no weapons, Jude notices. This was a requirement for the ceremony, a safety measure. Guests must turn in all weapons and jewelry, along with anything in pockets before they arrived.

His face is unreadable. Jude channels all of her feelings of triumph and victory into the smile she gives him.

As she reaches the first step, she sees Taryn as well. On her face is the most confusing expression she sees that night. Taryn looks, quite simply, ferociously jealous of Jude, but she seems to be genuinely smiling at her as well.

There is no time to dwell on it.

Jude looks to the top of the dais, and thinks of nothing but who is waiting for her up there.

Make it to him.

Her dress fans over the stairs as she climbs, the crest on the train glittering. Step by step, Cardan's face comes into view. In a far-off thought, Jude notices that his clothes match hers, but they’re less lavish. They are black and gold, with a sparse number of leaves and gemstones spread about them, but with much more embroidery than her gown. The crown on his head looks like it’s fluctuating in the firelight.

Jude’s breath hitches at the sight of him. She will never get used to his otherwordly beauty.

Cardan stares at her with such intensity that she feels the need to look away. She doesn’t, though. She gazes right back.

Like earlier in bed, he smiles, small and just for her, as he extends his hand to her. When their fingers touch, it feels like lightning. Surely there are embers in the air, sizzling on her skin at this moment. Surely this is a dream.

Cardan leads her to where there are two matching thrones, each made of twisted, creamy white branches and solid gold, and a small, stone pillar stands to the side, holding up her crown. She does not take her eyes off of his until the moment she’s required to.

There, during the night of the full moon, on the transformed palace grounds, Jude Duarte, daughter of clay, was crowned High Queen of Elfhame. The stars in the clear skies and the lanterns around her make her form luminous as she kneels at her husband’s feet, facing the crowd. The layers of her gown and sleeves spill around her in pools of autumn and midnight.

Her crown was made of pale gold, and the slender circlet twisted around and down onto the top of her forehead. Small stars of diamonds and moonstone spike up into the air at points around it. It had been forged by Grimsen himself, and with it came special properties. Jude told Cardan there was no need for anything other than an ordinary crown, but he bargained with and bribed Grimsen instead. She does not yet know the full extent of what magic she is supposed to feel when it is placed on her head.

Jude stares at her radiating sleeves until Cardan has the crown in hand and stands above her.

She knows what happens next is more formal than usual by Faerie standards, but the occasion, plus the element of her being human, calls for it, according to the Council.

Nevertheless, she braces herself for what feels like the hundredth time that day, and waits.

When Cardan speaks, his voice carries through the crowd unnaturally with magic. He speaks royally, yet softly. She knows this is for her sake.

“With this crown, you take up the mantle of protector of the realm,” Cardan says, holding the circlet to hover over her head. Jude’s eyes go to the distant horizon. “Do you swear to defend the creatures of Faerie from those who would harm them and govern them according to the principles on which Elfhame was founded?”

“I swear,” Jude says. She doesn’t know whether or not anyone can hear her, but there’s no chance to think on it because Cardan continues.

“Do you swear absolutely to maintain and defend the realm in all of your deeds?” Still, his voice is soft.

“I swear,” She repeats.

“Do you swear to employ all means at your disposal to preserve and promote the prosperity of the Folk and of the land,” He pauses here, taking a small breath, then begins again, his tone almost bordering wistful. “From this day until your last day?”

A breeze rolls past her. The tree above her shifts in the wind like a song.

When the wind whispers, listen closely. It is trying to tell you something.

Just for a single moment, Jude’s eyes fill with tears. She thinks of her mother’s voice.

I know you’re with me, Mom.

Jude inhales, and blinks her tears back.

“I swear, from this day until my last day.”

Cardan’s voice changes, now. He speaks with complete satisfaction and pride.

“Long live Her Grace, Jude Duarte, High Queen of Elfhame, first of her name and protector of the realm.”

He places the crown on her head, and Jude’s world erupts.

It is the feeling of acid simmering like mist through her bones, like each of her atoms are being split apart and zapped back together simultaneously. Then everything stretches.

She hears herself gasp, but she can't focus on anything except the fact that her senses have been extended for miles.

If she were watching from the crowd, she would be able to see the air and light shifting around her, the branches of the tree reaching towards her.

Grimsen said her crown would be connected to Cardan's, but she didn't understand until now what he meant, or that he meant this.

She can feel the land beating beneath her, and the space occupied by each and every creature in the crowd. She feels the magic in the air more than ever, and the pulse of it through the wild. She feels Cardan beside her, like a beacon drawing her in.

This must be what Cardan feels all the time.

She realizes she's had her eyes closed, but comes back to herself when Cardan's hand brushes her bare shoulder. When she finds the strength to stand, it is with her hand in Cardan’s, and together they face their audience. For the first time since ascending the dais, she looks out to the crowd.

Her stomach flips. The Folk before her span like a sea, their faces indistinguishable. Her eyes rove the expanse of them, and the mass of them gathered on hills. Some of them judge her. Some hate her. Some envy her. Few admire her. But each and every one of them have come to see her, the human Queen of Faerie.

She sees the land before her, feels Cardan’s power pulsing through it.

This. This is hers.

Flowers bloom and glow in the moonlight. Red vines sprout and curl down from the white trees. The colors of the fire grow hazy, then more vibrant. The very air seems ready to dance.

It’s as if the land itself has accepted her as its own.

Only then, with one enormous voice, do their subjects speak back to them both with awe and fear and hunger.

“Long live High Queen Jude!”

And row by row, they all bow before the High King and Queen.

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casually-inlove · 5 years

Note

Hi! I love your analysis and i want to know your opinion about he tian and jian yi jealous How did you think they gonna react if they see xixi and Mo with others o maybe if xixi and Mo have a good friendship, did you imagine he tian and jian yi watching them jealous?

UPDATED: added the Jian Yi bit I missed.

Gosh, you guys make me embarrassed lol. I honestly never expected these kinds of posts to get positive feedback. But I’m very excited that you enjoy reading it so thank you so much!

Back to your question. Firstly, as preamble, I’d like to state that I do not consider jealousy an entirely healthy sort of reaction nor do I endorse it in any way. A little jealousy is natural, but extreme jealous outbursts are truly unbecoming, nor do I want to romanticize them in any way.

(This is gonna be long, so better grab a chair).

Now when it comes to He Tian, I truly believe that feeling jealous will be a new and entirely unnerving experience to him. Looking back at his past experiences and childhood traumas, it’s quite obvious that he’s somewhat disconnected and detached from his own feelings. This is most evident in the emptiness that fills his life: he has no real passion (save for basketball maybe), no close relationships (until he meets MGS and co, and still he’s not open about himself yet), no deep ties to his family, and he practically stripped himself bare of any personal possessions. Hell, with all the money he has, his apartment is empty and all his stuff fits nicely in just a couple of cardboard boxes. So bottom line, He Tian isn’t used to getting attached to things or people, consciously or subconsciously he ends up avoiding it. That, of course, can be traced back to the puppy incident which basically splits itself into three points: 1) the puppy he came to love and care was gruesomely taken away from him 2) his brother, the person who He Tian trusted the most, betrayed him 3) He Tian was weak, so he had to entrust something he loved into another person’s care, and thus it ended up in a disaster, because he couldn’t protect the puppy himself.

Now that he is becoming more and more attached to MGS, I’m pretty sure that some of his deep-rooted fears will intensify, particularly the ones that relate to his past inability to protect something he cherished. On the other hand, He Tian clearly wishes Mo well. It’s evident from the way he went out of his way to find him a well-paying job at the photography studio, and even tried to compliment Mo on being industrious and finally looking like somebody. I do believe that He Tian is somewhat familiar with Mo’s reputation, at very least he probably heard the rumours and we know for sure that he had been checking the detention board. So he probably knows that in fact, MGS doesn’t have that many friendships outside his henchmen. With that said, I believe a part of He Tian would want to be supportive of Mo building healthy connections with other people.

And that’s where He Tian’s inner conflict will come into the light because he’ll be faced with his deep-running internalized fears that he may not rationally understand battling his desire to be supportive and selfless. Considering that He Tian’s upbringing probably caused him to shut off his own emotions, this is going to be very hard for him. The novelty of it, the inner turmoil of conflicting feelings, his inability to adequately process and express his emotions – all of it will likely put a strain on He Tian. While I don’t see him throwing a jealousy fit (he just doesn’t seem like the type, besides as I mentioned, he ultimately wants to be good for MGS even if he doesn’t always know how), I could see him getting crabby to the point Mo notices and wonders wtf is going on. Or, more likely, I could see him becoming extra-clingy, invading Mo’s personal space or y’know, going all “excuse me, let me borrow Little Mo for a sec”. What I do not see is He Tian being downright nasty about it and fending off anyone who comes into close vicinity of Mo. Absolutely not.

As for ZZX, I believe that as of right now he’s taking Jian Yi a little bit for granted, however, once Jian Yi gets kidnapped, his attitude will change. We know that ZZX is somewhat annoyed by Jian Yi’s antics. It just happens that our lovely airhead fits the bill of a boy who cried wolves. OX scattered these moments throughout the narrative, like when Jian Yi does that careless hide-and-seek thing making ZZX worry for nothing. So I expect that as the story goes on, ZZX will be taking him with a grain of salt.

Obviously, ZZX worries for him. And I think we’ve noticed something like distrust mixed with maybe some airs of disapproval when Brother Qiu gave Jian Yi a lift on his bike. The face that ZZX makes doesn’t look like one that endorsed Jian Yi being so careless around a stranger.

There’s also a strip from the earlier short comic series (it takes place after Jian Yi reappears), where a drunk older Jian Yi apparently ends up leaning against a very imposing stranger, to ZZX dismay at that. ZZX, who had previously pushed Jian Yi off, now quickly rectifies himself and tugs Jian Yi away from another dude. He’s silent but yeah, you can see it written all over his face: ZZX does not approve Jian Yi hanging around older men, haha.

Anyway, back to my original point. I think that post Jian Yi’s return, ZZX gonna treat him with greater care, precisely because he had lost him once. Those feelings of loss and inability to prevent it will probably cause ZZX to act low-key possessive like he did in that strip. Sure, he’s worried about his safety, but I cannot help but feel that ZZX feels a bit inadequate when he sees Jian Yi get close to someone older… and bigger? If we go waaaay back to the first kidnapping attempt, we see that in the aftermath ZZX feels down allegedly because he wants to grow up and become strong in order to protect Jian Yi. Perhaps that is why he appears slightly pissed when Jian Yi ends up close with someone ZZX can’t take on?

As for ZZX and Momo… well, I just don’t see them giving off couple vibes. They are probably gonna spend their time in rather comfortable silence. For Momo ZZX is someone who doesn’t annoy him with endless chitchat, and for ZZX Momo is someone who doesn’t indulge in silly ideas. So no, I don’t imagine them spending time next to each other would somehow bother Jian Yi or He Tian. It’s just not that type of bond.

EDIT

Apologies to the anon who asked the question. I seem to have misread it a bit. I usually answer these things when I’m back from work and by the end of the day, I’m thoroughly braindead and confusing 3’s for 8’s, lol. Again, my apologies.

So the question was actually about how would Jian Yi react to seeing ZZX with other people, not the other way around.

I do see Jian Yi as someone prone to jealousy. In fact, I think we can safely assume that Jian Yi displays some signs of anxious attachment style. Attachment styles are, by and large, the behavioural patterns that define our habits of building and maintaining long-term and short-term relationships. Anxious attachment forms in children when the parental figure vacillates between being there for them (caring, feeding, being emotionally supportive, etc) and being either distant/absent, or insensitive and otherwise not providing them with attention and care. The child thus undergoes greater levels of distress, because the parent is unpredictable, and the child doesn’t understand what to expect and whether they will be cared for or left on their own. As they grow up, they start displaying such behaviours as being clingy or smothering, since they subconsciously believe that the only way for them to survive is to cling close to their attachment figure, often both in the emotional and physical sense of it.

Now from what we know of Jian Yi, his father was absent from his life, while his mother seems to be frequently missing. We have seen tell ZZX that some auntie is picking him after kindergarten. Some flashbacks also show him being lonely and apparently alone at home. There’s also a scene where a young Jian Yi is weeping and coming up with an idea that “mother doesn’t want him anymore”, which are also quite telling.

From the narrative, we learn that it is ZZX who becomes a significant attachment figure to Jian Yi. Hell, during the kidnapping, Jian Yi isn’t thinking about seeing his mom again, he’s thinking about ZZX. Apart from clinginess, people with an anxious attachment style may indulge themselves in constantly testing whether their partner worries about them. Now I’m not saying that Jian Yi is manipulative in any way or that he plays games with ZZX, however, he does often want his attention/approval, like when he does that pounce thing or when he half-heartedly tries to play hide-and-seek in an inopportune moment. Also, quite clearly Jian Yi doesn’t like being separated from his boyfriend, lol.

Typically, jealousy in people with anxious attachment manifests itself from their own deep-running insecurities. Insecurity makes people become very critical about themselves, so they may often have these lines of thinking: “you are so desperate/needy/selfish, of course, he/she will be annoyed by you” and thus they may often feel unfulfilled because they tend to suppress their need for affection. These suppressed feelings, in turn, may result in short anger outbursts and some distrustful or controlling behaviour. We have seen bits of both when Jian Yi had to deal with a love-letter from a girl who had a crush on ZZX (what’s her name again?).

How Jian Yi would behave if he became jealous: likely he’ll become emotionally withdrawn due to deep-seated insecurities, might fluctuate between emotional outbursts and clinginess. Will he be nasty to the other person? No, not very likely. However, he did display the so-called behavioural jealousy (the set of defensive measures against the perceived threat of a romantic rival): he agreed to help the girl deliver the love-letter on condition that she’ll never approach ZZX again.

So yes, I do see him being inclined to some jealous behaviours, but again not towards Momo x ZZX. As I said, there isn’t anything remotely romantic about them spending time together.

#19 days #tianshan #zhanyi #ask #it was a truly wonderful ask and I had fun writing it <3 so thank you #q&a time

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thecircusofyourmind · 5 years

Note

Ya know what -- since you did it to me, imma do it to you ALL 170

UGH I deserved this

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I’m fine with my height tbh2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) PENGUIN3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? I literally wear nothing but musical T-Shirts4: What was your favorite video game growing up? oh god. that’s a tough one. Prolly Kingdom Hearts or the Pokemon games5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: uhhh... the girl I like, my snapchat streaks bc i suck at them, and sleep6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Warning: forever alone7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? no8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] I have no idea9: Are you ticklish? I think? no one has tried in a while so idk10: Are you allergic to anything? nope!11: What’s your sexuality? straight af12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Hot Cocoa 13: Are you a cat or dog person? DOGS14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Vampire15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? nope16: How tall are you? tf if I know. Maybe like 5′8″ I think?17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I wouldn’t18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] like 130ish I think19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? YES THEY ARE TERRIFYING20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Space!21: Are you religious? not really22: Pet peeves? people leaving me on read and ignoring me and avoiding me. 23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? I already am nocturnal so24: Favorite constellation? I have no idea25: Favorite star? Also have no idea26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? wat27: Any phobias or fears? SPIDERS. 28: Do you think global warming is real? I mean, it’s January 9th and we’ve yet to have actual snowfall so29: Do you believe in reincarnation? I don’t know30: Favorite movie? no clue31: Do you get scared easily? HAHA YEP32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? a few fish, 2 dogs, a hamster33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] ∞/10 obviously34: What is a color that calms you? uh. purple maybe bc it’s my favorite35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? I would LOVE to travel to London and Paris36: Where were you born? Holyoke, MA37: What is your eye color? Brown38: Introvert or extrovert? kinda both39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? idk40: Hugs or kisses? never been kissed so... hugs41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? The girl i like obviously42: Who is someone you love deeply? no43: Any piercings you want? no44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? I don’t mind them45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? never have, never will46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! even if she’s been a pain lately and stuff has been rough... she’s wonderful and makes me happy and i adore her and talking to her and the fact that I get to work with her makes my awful job a little tolerable knowing there’s one good thing there I get to look forward to seeing at work when the job sucks. 47: What is a sound you really hate? tf if I know48: A sound you really love? quiet49: Can you do a backflip? nope50: Can you do the splits? LOL nope51: Favorite actor and/or actress? jfc uh I don’t know there are so many to pick from! I never really pick favorites52: Favorite movie? why is this asked a second time?53: How are you feeling right now? awful lmfao54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I like it the way it is55: When did you feel happiest? 2 years 3 months ago even tho that shouldn’t be my answer.56: Something that calms you down? sleep57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] not that I know of?58: What does your URL mean? It’s a song from Finding Neverland!59: What three words describe you the most? useless, uglyaf, yeah60: Do you believe in evolution? I mean, we had to get here somehow?61: What makes you unfollow a blog? I don’t ever usually62: What makes you follow a blog? no idea, just kinda do63: Favorite kind of person: nice people64: Favorite animal(s): dog, penguin65: Name three of your favorite blogs. @thewomaninlilywhite @putawaythefairytales @thoughtsofabasketcase66: Favorite emoticon: 😂 this is my most used one67: Favorite meme: NO68: What is your MBTI personality type? i have no idea69: What is your star sign? Scorpio70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? LOL NOPE71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? literally any musical related thing72: Post a selfie or two? NO73: Do you have platform shoes? why would i74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I’m not interesting75: Can you do a front flip? no76: Do you like birds? penguins77: Do you like to swim? I never really go swimming78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? prolly swimming bc I’d prolly die ice skating79: Something you wish didn’t exist: me lol jk... but spiders80: Some thing you wish did exist: my happiness ahaha81: Piercings you have? none82: Something you really enjoy doing: sleep, sing, perform83: Favorite person to talk to: the girl i like..?84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? this is stupid lmao85: How many followers do you have? 101 bc i don’t do anything on here86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? prolly87: Do your socks always match? yes88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? nope89: What are your birthstones? Tourmaline and Opal90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? a penguin91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? i have no idea92: A store you hate? MY JOB93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? 094: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? read minds95: Do you like to wear camo? nah96: Winter or summer? summer97: How long can you hold your breath for? never counted98: Least favorite person? lol99: Someone you look up to: every talented person100: A store you love? idk101: Favorite type of shoes what102: Where do you live? Massachussets 103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? nope104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? no idea105: Do you drink milk? yeah106: Do you like bugs? eh107: Do you like spiders? HAHA NO108: Something you get paranoid about? literally everything in my life109: Can you draw: nope110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? uhhh idk111: A question you hate being asked? “omg you’ve never been with a girl are you gay???” jfc people it gets old and annoying112: Ever been bitten by a spider? who hasn’t...?113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? suree114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? depends on if it’s nice or not even with clouds115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: -_- obviously the girl i like116: Favorite cloud type: the ones that don’t produce snow117: What color do you wish the sky was? it’s fine the way it is118: Do you have freckles? a few119: Favorite thing about a person: honesty.120: Fruits or vegetables? veggies prolly?121: Something you want to do right now: die I mean sleep122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? ocean123: Sweet or sour foods? sweet124: Bright or dim lights? dim125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? dragons are obviously real126: Something you hate about Tumblr: idk127: Something you love about Tumblr: also idk128: What do you think about the least? *shrugs*129: What would you want written on your tombstone? idk130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? A LOT OF PEOPLE131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? I don’t 132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? no133: Computer or TV? computer134: Do you like roller coasters? yesss135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? nope136: Are your ears lobed or attached? lobed 137: Do you believe in karma? YEP138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? -10000000000139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Joey lol140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? I have friends?141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? no142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? I try to be a good one143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? giving144: What makes you angry people145: How many languages do you speak fluently? one146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? girls147: Are you androgynous? what?148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: nothing149: Favorite thing about your personality: also nothing150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. no151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? uhhhh152: Do you like BuzzFeed? eh i don’t hate it153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] FOREVER ALONE154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? never kissed155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? forever. alone. 156: What embarrasses you? my face157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: idk158: Biggest lie you have ever told: I try not to159: How many people are you following? 64160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 647161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? 0162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? 460163: Last time you cried and why: Last day of Little Mermaid I literally SOBBED when I said bye to my Jetsam and Ursula bc they were literally my rocks over the previous 3 weeks to that because my life was just downright horrible and they were the only good part about it at the time164: Do you have long or short hair? short165: Longest your hair has ever been: not too long166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? just don’t care lol167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? eh168: Do you like to wear makeup? no169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? prolly not170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? yes

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tsundokuclub · 5 years

Text

nini’s thoughts on kafka on the shore : prologue and chap 1

jan 7, 2019 5:01 pm

Warning: I’m not sure if I’m going to give away spoilers so in case I do, here’s your warning lol. I also go a little bit about depression, so in case you don’t want to read about it I put a warning where I mention it.

I wanna start this discussion/ brain dump by saying this is my very first Haruki Murakami book. A lot of my friends have read his books and said that he’s by far their favorite author. I don’t really care about spoilers and expectations so I didn’t let their words get to me. I try not to let other people’s opinions on books/ movies/ etc affect my own before i read/watch them because because obviously other people’s thought processes and opinions will be different from my own.

That being said, I’ve currently only read the prologue (The Boy Named Crow) and Chapter 1, and I’m beyond amazed. I’ve read many books with a great hook but this one takes the cake. It brought me in immediately and I was able to relate to this book to a point where I had to take a beat before moving on to the first chapter. I love Murakami’s writing style, and I love that he can relate to, at least me, so quickly. I don’t think I’ve ever read someone’s work that can do that. Now to move on to my thoughts for each chapter lol.

The Boy Named Crow

I’m gonna use bullet points to get my initial thoughts down first, then go in deeper later.

crow definitely seems older than Kafka, but how much older?

why does Kafka want to run away?

is his father abusive? neglective?

does he not have anyone else in his life to stay for?

i definitely relate to him, I felt like running away many times when I wasn’t in a good place

imo, the sandstorm represents anxiety

the way it builds up and if you let it, it’ll fill you and consume you

crow shows kafka how to calm the storm, or at least go through it

why is it that Crow can calm Kafka so easily?

why does kafka get so anxious when creating the sandstorm in his mind?

why did the sandstorm make him anxious? was that anxiety?

why is Crow making him envision the sandstorm?

is crow a witch or shapeshifter of some kind? if so, why would he help kafka?

how did they meet in the first place?

how did crow leave if he didn’t literally transform into a crow? why did Kafka hear wings as he left?

the storm also reminds me of depression

**another warning for people who don’t want to read about my depression/ depression in general**

“you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm....it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. people will bleed there, and you will bleed too...and once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over...when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.”

this was very powerful to me. it spoke to me more than i thought it would and it’s what grabbed me with this book.

it reminded me of when i was depressed

it was a blur and all i knew was that i was hurting, and that i was hurting others

i was someone i didn’t recognize, and to this day i don’t remember who i was or what i did during that time, i only remember what i felt

i definitely feel like a different person since overcoming my depression

sometimes i have days where i feel like i used to, but it’s never nearly as bad.

okay i’m done with my depression talk lol

I knew people loved this book and Murakami’s other works, but I didn’t expect to be this moved, much less by the prologue. I texted bbibbi after reading it telling her how shocked i was lol. if the rest of the book is like this chapter, it’s going to be an amazing read.

Chapter 1

kafka seems to be a very logical person

he thinks ahead and of multiple scenarios, something most 15 year olds didn’t do (or at least I didn’t XD)

he seems mature for his age, could that be the anxiety? or due to not having a mother and his father avoiding him?

is he a genious? or really smart?

he was able to memorize and pass all his classes very well, without studying a lot out of class

which says a lot lol

or he may have a photographic memory? i dont know

very independent, feels like he doesn’t need friends or family

is he depressed? he seems apathetic and balls up his emotions to show no one what he feels, but then explodes and feels everything all at once and can’t handle it

he’s a loner and an outcast, but he chose to be

he thinks everyone is boring

does he think himself better than everyone else? is he narcissistic or a psychopath?

does he have self esteem issues? or does he just hate his father so much he hates the fact that he has parts of him in himself?

“I could probably kill him if I wanted to” < definitely not something a normal 15 year old would say

either psychopath or his father was extremely abusive

what did his dad do to get kafka to hate him so much? to run away?

seems a bit intuitive as well as logical

could that be how he met/ talked to crow? through some kind of gift that he channels through his intuition?

he picked Shikoku simply because it felt right, as well as logical reasoning, but something pulled him there when he had no emotional ties

is Crow a figment of his imagination? does kafka have a mental condition that makes his see crow?

if crow is real, why is he friends with kafka? are they even friends? or will he betray him?

I definitely felt this chapter to be darker. Kafka talking about getting ready to leave seemed so trivial and ordinary. I’m very curious as to what pushed him to be alone and seclude himself from everyone. Something about him is off, in my opinion, because of the way he sees others. Seeing people as boring, and keeping away from them because of it, seems like an excuse. Either he doesn’t want to get attached so it’s easier for him to run away, or he truly doesn’t like people and thinks himself better than them. He already is strong and incredibly smart, so wouldn’t that make him popular? He chooses to be an outsider, which not a lot of people do. Also, what is the deal with the father? Why do they try so hard to avoid each other and why does Kafka hate him so much? Something traumatic must have happened to the mother for his father to throw away all pictures of her. It doesn’t make sense to throw out everything that reminds them of the person if they simply passed away.

#kafka on the shore #haruki murakami #tsundoku #nini's thoughts #nini #🐭#🌊

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othernecessarythings · 4 years

Text

81: Piercings you have?

only my ears

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

spening time with my favorite people on adventures

83: Favorite person to talk to:

my sister or my best friends

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

how the fuck does this thing work, what are tags and why can’t i see any dates

85: How many followers do you have?

not many

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

well yes? if my googling is right and a mile is about 1.6 km, then yeah, i run one km in like 5 min

87: Do your socks always match?

yes i can’t wear mismatched socks

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

yes

89: What are your birthstones?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

like a seal or something

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

hm the flower called förgätmigej in swedish, they’re small, blue and calm

92: A store you hate?

um like the swedish store tessie maybe

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

none

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

read minds

95: Do you like to wear camo?

no not my style

96: Winter or summer?

SUMMER omg

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

probably not that long

98: Least favorite person?

hmm i really can’t stand trump for example

99: Someone you look up to:

my friends, hayley williams and my parents

100: A store you love?

weekday maybe

101: Favorite type of shoes

sneakers, always

102: Where do you live?

sweden, love it

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

i prefer vegetarian food, but i eat anything

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

no clue

105: Do you drink milk?

not straight up, but like oboy and stuff like that yeah

106: Do you like bugs?

not really

107: Do you like spiders?

not really either

108: Something you get paranoid about?

getting caught by parents or police or similar lol, i’m living very dangerously in that aspect huh

109: Can you draw:

absolutely not

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

i’m not brave enough to ask too much, but i love to get to know people’s backgrounds, fears and dreams

111: A question you hate being asked?

“why are u so smart?” cause i know i’m smart, it sounds arrogant to just say it like that but i realize it’s true, but i don’t know why? it just happened? hm

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

nah we don’t have any bigger or dangerous ones here in sweden

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

i live for it, i actually walk to the sea (i live pretty close to it) quite often just to breathe and let the waves calm me down

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

always sunny days

115: Someone you'd like to kiss or cuddle right now:

hm i’d like to find someone i like first ig

116: Favorite cloud type:

fluffy, compact clouds on a clear blue sky

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

i’m content with it being blue, and every beautiful colour the sunset is

118: Do you have freckles?

119: Favorite thing about a person:

their mind i guess? what they find interesting and are passionate about

120: Fruits or vegetables?

depends, i like both (indecisive as always)

121: Something you want to do right now:

bathe in a warm ocean, feel the sun on my skin

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

the combo of them together beats everything

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sour

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim, it’s so much more comfortable

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

not really

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

how addictive it is, and how some people criticize everyone for small mistakes when they’re just trying their best to be inclusive,, like for example this is one of the most lgbtq+ accepting spaces of all times compared the general homophobia in the world, but there’s still those who complain when every post doesn’t include their very specific orientation

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

how addictive it is, it allows me to completely forget everything else and just have a good time in peace,, and how i don’t know any one here, no one is here to constantly judge me

128: What do you think about the least?

huh? what’s that?

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

oh um that’s a quite big decision but right now do i feel that this swedish lyrics would be very beautiful

”Låt oss gå upp på taket ikväll

Där vi kan se stjärnorna skimra

Låt oss gå upp på taket ihop

Där vi kan vara närmare himlen

Närmare himlen”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

trump or boris

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

um everything, i constantly doubt all of my traits and appearances but love them at the same time

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

usually not, so if i’m smiling with my teeth am i usually really, really happy

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

hm sometimes

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

motion, seasickness is never a problem for me

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

what?

137: Do you believe in karma?

no, but i still believe in acting good just because it’s right, not because you get any selfish profits from it

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

oh that definitely depends, i know i’m quite near the society’s definition of beauty standards, with body shape and face features and clothing style and everything but i still doubt myself a lot, but i’d like to see myself as a strong seven

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

none, my name hasn’t got any natural nicknames and i’ve never needed a nickname until recently when i’ve got a friend with the same name as me,, but she’s got a nickname so it’s okay

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

no i wasn’t a creative kid at all lol

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

sigh once secretly, but it didn’t go that well and i’ve never done it since

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

oof really depends on who, but hopefully good?

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

hm depends on how good the present i’m giving is

144: What makes you angry

not much really, i’m not an angry type

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

kinda two? i mean i’m fluent in swedish of course, and i’m quite close to being fluent in english too.. and i must include some rather bad german skills too lol

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

honestly i don’t have a clue right now, but i’m probably bi? aah but idk maybe i’m just straight, how would i know, but rn am i comfortable in being bi and further explore what my sexuality is

147: Are you androgynous?

not really, i’m kinda stereotypically female i guess

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

hm my legs be kinda cute tho

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

no don’t make me choose this i don’t know and i’m insecure about it

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

anyone? um hayley williams, tyler joseph and my grandpa who’s passed away

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

no i’m content in our era, but either the early 2000’s to fully live my emo life, or the swedish 50’s when my grandparents grew up, they always tell me such beautiful stories from their childhoods and teenage years (i am aware about the problematics with all eras, and 50’s being lots of racism and much more, but i’d like to believe that if i were able to grow up the same way my grandparents did here in sweden, would life been pretty great anyways)

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

okay hear me out i don’t know if buzzfeed is i thing in sweden? i’ve never heard anyone mention it, i have a vague idea of what it is but i don’t really know? so i guess not

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

hah i wish

154: Do you like to kiss others' foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

no i’m not a touchy friend, i’m more like a shower u with kind words instead friend

155: Do you like to play with others' hair?

no i feel like i intrude on their privacy somehow

156: What embarrasses you?

hm i don’t really know, i tend to avoid any situation that might make me feel embarrassed

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

the concept of this (my teenage years) being the absolute best years of my life and that i have to achieve so much rn,, and media isn’t really helping me with that, i’m constantly forced to watch how great lives everyone else lives on social media and stuff,,, and i know my life is actually really interesting and good, but i’m anxious about my time running out anyways

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

hm basic but “i’m fine” i guess

159: How many people are you following?/160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? /161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?/162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

not many on either of them

163: Last time you cried and why:

ah i don’t cry (which is a problem and i’m trying to loosen up my grip on my emotions but it’s hard) honestly i don’t remember the last time i really sobbed? i’ve cried a tear or two sometimes, usually over books, but i’m unfortunately not a crying type

164: Do you have long or short hair?

i had long hair until like yesterday! rn is it to my shoulders, which still is kinda long i guess, but short for me

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

idk quite long

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

oh interesting topic, here’s my view on it; religion is a good idea, but we’re using it wrong. it is about spreading love and finding answers to the greater questions in life, to respect one and each other and finding a place and purpose in our world, which is beautiful right? unfortunately are many people and fucking leaders using it for their own profit, to spread hate or fear, which is completely wrong and not at all what it is about. worth mentioning that in sweden, particularly in the bigger cities, isn’t religion a big thing. no one i know is devoted religious? neither am i, but i still choose to believe in the good parts of christianity, about love and acceptance

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

ye i’m a science nerd i would love to know how it was made from a scientific point of view, bc i firmly believe that it’s the big bang and not some god who randomly chose to make us lol

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

yes, a little everyday makeup, and bright, colorful and creative looks for events

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

against a wall, probably yes, but without? hah no

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

i think so, the knowledge that no one else is going to read this but me makes me feel quite secure in answering truthfully

that’s it! wow i made it through all of them, just for the record it’s the 23:d february 2020 today, nice, goodbye

#julias mind #just for my own sake

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