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tooruluv · 4 years

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Tooru Oikawa x F!Reader ( part 7 )

❝ my love for him is much like winter, a skeleton for the world to see. too bad he never liked the cold. ❞

description: being the neighbor and lifelong best friend of tooru oikawa definitely had it’s perks. you were never an outcast, always had a seat at lunch, got into volleyball games for free. the problem was, however, that being in love with him outweighed those perks. you would never tell him that, though, even if it hurt like hell.

genre: best friends to lovers, angst, unrequited love, fluff if you squint hard enough

word count: 2,184

warnings/notes: um.. haha?

tag list: @afuckingunicornn @maii-flowers @clandestinerays @brownandchill @readeretal @wedojustbevibin @shigarakiskitten @shittykawaa @saeranoppa @srirachibi @tpwkatsumu @sempiternal-amour @bokutos-h0e @pinknugget @intheawks

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“Oh.”

You couldn’t look at her. How could you? You felt her eyes stare into your head, but you focused all of your attention onto your hands as though they would help you escape the most awkward conversation you’ve ever had.

“You’re in love with Tooru.” Sana said, as a statement rather than question. You didn’t move, frozen. “Oh my god, and I’ve been a total bitch! I asked you on a double date… oh! Oh no, I totally just said he doesn’t like you back…”

“You’re not wrong.” You let out a small (and very emotionless) chuckle. You finally looked up at her.

“Seriously I cannot believe you are letting me be your friend when I’m dating the man you’ve been seriously in love with. What does that make me?”

“A girl who’s dating a guy who likes her back.” You told her.

The thing was, you weren’t mad at Sana. You never had an ill thought toward her. Yet, Sana was so guilty about something she (1) couldn’t control, and (2) had no idea about. You wanted to hate her, yes, but you didn’t. And Oikawa was your best friend.

“Sana, stop.” You cut her off in the middle of another rant as Sana continued about how mad she would’ve been and asking you again why you didn’t tell her about your love for the boy. “Sana! I don’t care! Truly. I told you when we first met that you had my full approval. Oikawa likes you, and I like you, and I seriously would’ve rather died than have this conversation.”

Sana gave you a look, then looked at Iwaizumi, and then back to you.

“How long have you been in love with him?”

You faked a smile. “That seems to be the question of the decade, huh?”

Tooru Oikawa showed up at your house for the first time in what seemed like forever. It was after the other two had left, and you were just lounging around (and just got off of facetime with Kuroo, which is beside the point).

“Hi.” He smiled as you swung the door open. “Please tell me that I can stay the night.”

You smiled, instantly forgetting about anything else. Because Oikawa was back to being the Oikawa you knew, and he was standing in front of you asking to stay the night.

“You can stay the night.”

You remember the very first time that Oikawa had slept in your bed with you. As kids, it never really counted, and your parents did their best to make sure the both of you slept in either separate beds or on blankets on the floor.

But, one night, Oikawa had showed up in the middle of the night. You were both still kids, basically right before puberty. He was soaking wet from rain.

“Oikawa?” You turned your head. He grew a lot that summer. “What are you doing here?”

“I hate the lightning.” He admitted, stepping in and taking his (very wet) shoes. “Can I sleep here? My brother keeps teasing me.”

“Of course! O.M.G! We can have a sleepover. I have chocolate in my room.”

He followed you up the stares, the both of you giggling and ready to stay up the entire night. You both lied, though, as you fell asleep before midnight. You woke up in his arms.

Sana was still your friend, you assumed. After she left, she never told you that she wanted time or space or anything of the sort. You figured that you’ve held your feelings down for this long and she noticed and it didn’t bother her.

It would’ve bothered you if you found out a friend was in love with your boyfriend.

Still, you were surprised when Sana linked her arm with yours at school. She still sent you her shining smile, waited for you before class, and talked nonsense.

“Sana, I’m confused.” You told her. She was grabbing her books out of her locker and you were standing beside her. She didn’t speak, so you continued. “I… I’m in love with your boyfriend. And you’re… you seem to be okay with the whole thing.”

“You’ve been in love with him for longer than I’ve known him.” Sana turned to you, the most serious you have ever witnessed from her. “Who am I to be mad about that? And I like our friendship, even if it did start with him.”

“You… you’re probably the coolest person ever. Actually.”

“I try to be.” Sana shut her locker, finally giving you a smile. “I’m not one to be jealous, but if this becomes some kind of kdrama I might have to use your weaknesses against you.”

“I can agree to that.”

You ate in the cafeteria for the first time in a long time. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa sat to the right of you at the circle tables, and Oikawa on your left. It felt normal. The only thing was, Sana was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Sana?” You asked Oikawa after a little bit, to which he shrugged.

“I don’t know. She said that she had something to do.”

You looked at Iwaizumi, as if he always had the answers you searched for, but he only gave you a confused look. Hm.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

You and Oikawa stood in the hallway, arm’s length away and walking in opposite directions. It was after lunch and before class, the perfect time to have an awkward conversation.

“You never stopped wearing my jersey. I saw you in it last game.” He said, sending you his priceless smile.

“I plan on wearing it again tonight. If that’s okay.”

“It’s always okay.” He kept smiling, but you could see it was a little more forced than usual. “I shouldn’t have ever asked you for it.”

“If you start to apologize again, I will punch you in the face. In front of everyone here.” You told him.

His hands came out of his pockets, reaching to you. “Deal. Oh! By the way, your tie is crooked.”

You gasped, looking to your chest, only to find your tie in perfect condition.

“Make you look.”

“You child!” You laughed, smacking his arm. He laughed too, sticking his tongue out at you.

Suzuki Sana had been dating Tooru Oikawa, officially, for a month. She liked it, for the most part. He adored her, truly, and made her laugh more than ever. He also happened to be a good kisser, something she would never admit.

The only thing was, she felt way closer to you than she did with Oikawa. Not in the same ways, of course, but it was true. She wasn’t expecting to be such close friends with you so quickly.

Sana tried her best not to be jealous, or upset, about you being in love with Oikawa. But it was hard. She was a lot of things but a jealous girlfriend was not one of them. Until she watched you and Oikawa talk.

It was just a small conversation between you and him, a short one in the hallway after lunch, but it was like a spotlight shone directly on the two of you and made everyone else disappear. She could almost see the love dripping off of your face when you smiled at something he said to you. And she definitely didn’t miss the way Oikawa looked at you with stars in his eyes.

So, yeah. That’s when something changed and Sana knew what to do.

There was only one fight between Tooru Oikawa and you that resulted in multiple days of no speaking. And it was your fault. It was something stupid, but it was important.

When you were young (probably around nine or ten), you had accidentally ripped Oikawa’s permission form to go to a volleyball summer camp. It was only a couple of weeks during the summer where he would be away, and they needed to turn in the paper by mail.

Oikawa was mad at you for two full days. He yelled at you, thought that you ripped it on purpose because you didn’t want him to go. You didn’t want him to go, of course, but the rip was on accident.

He apologized on the third day. And spent the rest of the summer forcing you to play volleyball with him. By the end, you still didn’t completely understand the sport.

You have known Oikawa your entire life, your parents being best friends since their high school days. It wasn’t unusual for your parents to have dinner together and leave “the children” (you) to hang out while they’re away.

It was one of those nights, and Oikawa was trying to convince you to throw some serves for him in the backyard. You sat on the porch, next to Oikawa’s older brother, refusing to do so.

“So, I hear you have been dating someone lately.” Oikawa’s brother turned to you, a mischievous smile plastered on his face. Oikawa froze from his position, ball in hand. You didn’t notice. “Tell me the details.”

“I… I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You told him, face flushed.

“Ah! You’re so flustered right now!” He teased you. “Who is he?”

“No one. I’m not dating anyone.” You crossed your arms. You looked at Oikawa, trying to gauge his reaction. He had his back turned to you.

Oikawa’s brother noticed your focus, and you swore his grin got wider. “I see. You’re not over it.”

“Not over it.” You replied, both of you sharing a secret as old as time.

Tetsurou Kuroo had facetimed you one day after school, before one of Seijoh’s games. It was a filler game, one that didn’t count towards championships, but you were excited to go to a game when everything was back to normal.

“Hello, jersey.” He greeted through the phone. He was laying in bed, one arm under his head. You had a very thirsty thought, but you will keep that to yourself. You didn’t like Kuroo that way.

“Hello, hair.” You joked back, pointing out his hair (which was flat and on his face and not done per usual).

“Why are you still at school? The game doesn’t start for like half an hour.”

“I forgot something in my locker.” You told him, turning the corner towards your locker. “And my mom dropped me off before going to run some errands, so I’m here early.”

Kuroo talked to you for a minute about something volleyball related, and then something about something else you couldn’t remember, before you ended up at your locker.

The lockers were a bit shorter than the ceiling, so there was a space between the top of the locker. Right above yours was a blue athletic water bottle with an “O” on it. You chuckled, rolling your eyes, reaching up to grab it (using a shelf in your locker after not being able to reach).

“Hey, Kuroo, do you mind if I call you back later?”

“Yeah, cool. Talk to you later?”

You smiled at him from your camera. “I’ll probably text you during the game.”

He smiled and waved you goodbye. You clicked the end button as you twirled the full water bottle in your hand.

You walked into the gym, towards the boys who collected around the chairs by the coach. The minute you seen the back of Oikawa’s head, you knew that he wasn’t the happiest.

It was like the cheerful Oikawa from earlier had vanished.

“Hey, ‘Kawa…” you started, but before you could get any closer or say anything else, he pivoted.

His eyes met yours, and he was livid. The air was immediately tense.

“Dude can you fucking leave me alone for one minute?” Oikawa deadpanned. He was angry, his voice loud enough to cause most of the crowd to go silent to listen in. You froze in place. “Seriously, get off the court and let me play this fucking game without worrying about you. You know Sana broke up with me because of you? Did you know that? You always have to have some kind of interference for literally everything good happening in my life. Why don’t you go? Leave me be? You don’t even fucking like volleyball.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach, and your voice caught in your throat. You couldn’t move. You blinked.

“God, it’s so fucking annoying. I get it, you’re in love with me or whatever, but Jesus Christ dude find someone else to follow. ”

You swallowed. Not only did your heart shatter, but he also pointed every insecurity you had. Annoying him, being a bother… You couldn’t breathe. He knew. Of course he knew. How could he not know?

“Yeah, okay.” Your voice was small, and you were surprised that it didn’t waver. You held the waterbottle to him, hands shaking. “I was just bringing you your water bottle. You left it on top of my locker.”

You placed the water bottle on the ground next to the coach before walking out of the gym doors, and then sprinting down the hall.

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haknyeonrk · 6 years

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⋆｡°✩ mga season four. ep vi. summer. ‹ #4010 › ⇢ performance: love me right –– exo // line distribution UNIVERSE ( #4003 #4012 #4033 #4039 #4042 )

the thing about competitions is that you sort of learn the hard that that is what they are... competitions. in it’s very essence, haknyeon knows that he isn’t supposed to be here to make friends –– that the teams last a week and then they’re reshuffled and the cycle starts all over again. yet his heart is weak and having a team member be up for elimination again is painful (especially since he’d gotten so close to said team member).

this week he’s put in a new team and it feels like a reunion of sorts between him and the team he’d been in during the first week. yongsun and sana are in his team and haknyeon feels comfortable already, the both of them people that he’d worked with before and would gladly work with again.

he’ll have to do well. he has to. this time it’s the royal building and truth be told by now haknyeon’s unable to keep up with which company’s he’s been in to practice. the only thing ever on his mind really is practice, practice and more practice.

entering the practice room, he’s glad to see familiar faces and his face lights up when he sees sana. “noona!” he greets, “looks like we meet again,” his smile is playful but he’s a little more careful. he’s read the comments, knows that people assume that him and sana are... a thing. which, in his opinion, couldn’t be further from the truth. after all, how could a girl like sana ever date a guy like him? he’d simply been trying to cheer sana up that day, though he’s glad that at the very least it worked in helping the older girl feel better.

introductions are made and haknyeon looks at every contestant. junmyeon is... undeniably handsome. sure, he’s seen junmyeon around, knows just how popular the boy actually is, but now that his visuals are so up close haknyeon can’t hide the way his eyes widen at the boy. his smile visibly becomes brighter though when he finds out that hyunjin is his age and that they both love to dance and that they’re both rappers as well.

like he’d done in previous weeks it’s time they pick leaders next and haknyeon... he isn’t too sure what it is, what overcomes him but he raises his hand and looks around the room. “i, uhm,” he begins, “i’d like to be leader. i think i can do a good job!” throughout his time on the mgas, haknyeon hasn’t once volunteered to be leader, usually letting the older members do so but this time it’s different. perhaps he wants to change something, wants to get out of this streak of eliminations his teams had gone through.

thankfully, he isn’t met with any denial and they all agree to let him be leader. “i’ll work hard i promise!” standing up, haknyeon bows and his cheeks turn a peachy colour at how wide he smiles. he’s nervous –– of course he is –– because leader, even the name felt heavy. though it was something that haknyeon wanted to carry (something that he felt as though he could).

“summer”, or something that could capture the good feeling of summer. they’d decided to go with love me right, a bright song that they thought would fit in well with the vibe of summer. they practice and haknyeon is eagle eyed. if there’s one thing he’s confident about it’s his dancing. he watches as the members move, works hard.

after his previous incidents with his nosebleed, haknyeon’s mother had practically bombarded his phone, leaving messages to check on her son constantly. he understands why she’d be so concerned but when he wakes up one morning and sees boxes of tangerine with a letter from his mother, haknyeon could only let out a gasp.

he enters the practice room the next day with a box of tangerines. “hello!” he exclaims loudly, heaving slightly from having carried the box of tangerines. “first things first! as leader, i need to make sure that all our members are healthy! so please take one of these jeju tangerines okay!” he places the box down and picks up a tangerine before passing them to the members. “my mum sent these from jeju and i think it’ll help us a lot and keep us energized!” he wipes the sweat from his forehead and gestures to the box, “take as many as you want!”

the last thing he’d want was for someone else to hurt themselves. haknyeon knows that his nosebleeds have been a concern for those that were supporting him as well so he brings a large water bottle to practice, makes sure to drink in order to keep himself hydrated.

being leader, haknyeon realizes, is more than just a name. there’s a feeling of responsibility that feels as though it weighs on top of him and he wants to make sure that all of them, if possible, do as well as they can for the performance. love me right is a fun song and the dance something haknyeon had been able to pick up thanks to years of dancing. still, there were some... other members in his team that had him worried.

haknyeon walks to the front of the room and furrows his brows. it’s best that he watches each individual member perform one by one so he could pick out any sort of flaw they’d have in the choreography and be able to give them pointers. the first person he decides to call out is yongsun. they’d been in the same team before, and haknyeon remembers having helped her in her dancing too back when they performed the boys. he has a basic idea of her skills.

“noona,” he says, “do you think you could show me the dance all by yourself?” his face is a little more serious than it usually is, eyebrows furrowed. she’s hesitant at first but says yes.

he watches her as she dances to the music. his face is stoic, almost unreadable. it’s a contrast to his usual bright and smile filled face. it wasn’t something that he particularly did on purpose; the face something that came out whenever haknyeon began to concentrate on something a little too hard. with eagle eyes, he watches her movements, eyes moving quickly from her hand to her feet.

once she’s done, haknyeon nods. “noona,” he begins, walking up to her. “you’ve improved so much!” a smile makes it way across his lips and his face brightens up. “i knew you had it in you! woah! compared to the first week… you’ve got the basics down pretty well!” and it’s the truth. she’s improved from the first week, a difference that was noticeable to haknyeon’s eye, and he was glad that she did. “remember how i told you that angles were really important last time?” he stands next to her and levels himself, “well you’re a lot better now at angling your movements!”

he puts a hand on her back and nods his head reassuringly. “there’s just a few things we have to clean up but you’re seriously doing good noona! i can tell that you’ve put in a lot of effort in your dancing. i’m proud of you!” he spends his time pointing out things to her then, focuses on movements that he knows she can improve on and teaches her ways to steady herself on the stage before he goes on to the others.

(he doesn’t forget to eat a tangerine during breaks).

by the end of the day, once everyone’s gone home, haknyeon carries the box of tangerines back. and everyday haknyeon arrives at the practice room with a box full of new tangerines. whilst the summer sun is hot and haknyeon finds himself sweating from carrying the boxes, it at least serves as a good workout and nutrition for his team. ( “remember to eat well!” he’d say, pointing to the tangerines. )

“you’re a good leader,” sana says, approaching him one day whilst he’s busy going through the choreography and lines for the members. this time, it’s as though she’s the one that’s able to read him.

haknyeon smiles, genuine, and something warm forms in his chest. “thank you,” he replies.

aside from being leader, something new about this group is that haknyeon finally has someone his age with him. which is also why it isn’t really a surprise when haknyeon finds himself clicking almost instantly with hyunjin. despite it being only a few days of the both of them having known each other, he’s already hugging hyunjin and playing around with the boy on breaks. it isn’t a rare sight to see him and hyunjin randomly poking each other’s cheeks, or haknyeon teaching hyunjin how to say words in mandarin when the other boy asks.

it’s getting late and haknyeon’s still in the practice room, dancing and practicing his lines. but his eyes dart to the clock at the top of the wall and then at the door. he’s evidently worried but continues practicing. it’s only when he hears a little ‘click’ by the door and sees hyunjin standing there does a smile immediately form on his face. “hyunjin!” he beams, running to the boy. “you’re here! yay!” he lunges himself at hyunjin and engulfs the boy in a hug. “i missed you!”

hyunjin returns the hug and wraps his arms around haknyeon’s shoulders before ruffling his hair. “staying here until eleven? what a hardworking leader you are.”

“got to be a good leader for the team,” he laughs. he places both his hands on hyunjin’s cheeks lightly. “you look tired. you’ve worked hard hyunjin ah, i bet cram school was tiring,” he pouts a little before he finally pulls away and gives hyunjin a bottle of vitamin water. “here, they were selling these at the convenience store and i thought of you! do you want to rest a little before we start practice? i don’t want you to push yourself too hard…” he adds worriedly. unlike hyunjin, haknyeon didn’t attend cram school, so he didn’t have to travel back and forth as much.

hyunjin refuses rest though, saying he’d rather dance and have haknyeon help him with his rap. the both of them start with dancing to ease themselves, hyping each other up as they did so. once they’re done they finally turn to focus on the rap and spend the next few hours in the practice room. haknyeon coaches hyunjin with his rap, the two boys getting along well.

the day of the performance comes and haknyeon’s a little more nervous than he usually is. it’s probably because he’s the leader this time and wants the team to do well. the feeling that something rides on him, that how well they do could possibly ride on him, is there.

yongsun is encourages him, “you did well this week leader nim.” he smiles, relieved and genuine.

they’re called on stage and are the first to perform. this feeling, of having an audience, of people watching you on the stage, it’s something that haknyeon basks himself in.

“hello! we are universe!” they introduce themselves. “i’m universe’s leader and earth! joo haknyeon!” haknyeon puts a palm on his chin as though to symbolise that he were a planet.

getting into position, theres the usual thumping in his chest as it returns. he needs to do well, he has to.

the song starts off with luda, strong. haknyeon dances, getting into the rhythm of the song, confident with his movements. junmyeon sings next, the song bright.

“nana nana nana nana,” they all say in unison as they get into the next formation. “yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah!”

it’s haknyeon’s rap next. last week he’d shown something darker and this time, it’s a brighter song. he looks at the camera, dances as he raps.

just right shidongeul georeo eksere bareul ollyeo modeun geoshi teukbyeolhae neowan jal eoullyeo mueoseul weonhadeon imma make it work ( just right ignite your engine, step on the pedal everything is special, we look good together whatever you want, imma make it work )

haknyeon winks at the lines, “imma make it work,” boyish smile spreading across his face as he rapped. he’s aware that he’s got some fans out there so he tries to be as heart fluttering as he can for a song like this. hyunjin raps next and haknyeon continues to dance, glad that hyunjin’s doing a good job.

the chorus dance is fun and the thing about love me right was that there was a lot of shift in formation. still, haknyeon’s always enjoyed dancing and with a song as fun as this, it’s even more enjoyable.

his part comes up again soon and haknyeon gets into position, standing beside hyunjin as he dances.

uril bichuneun dalppicheun yeojeonhaji ne gwedo an hemaego isseo nan ajik ( the usual moonlight that shines on us i’m still lost in your orbit )

he moves along to the choreography as he raps, smirk on his face. he dances to the rest of the song, confident as he does so. “just love me right uh huh, just love me right,” his hand movements are sharp, winking to the audience and camera.

after luda and sana’s lines, they all come together to say the chorus, clapping their hands in the air as they do so, a sense of comradish.

doro wie yeogin runway nal baraboneun nun sok milky way just love me right (aha) baby love me right (aha) ( on this highway, it’s a runway milky way inside your eyes looking at me just love me right (aha) baby love me right (aha) )

the poses change at each aha and haknyeon smiles at each change before they break out into the full dance. “just love me right, just love me right,” as the song reaches the end, the dancing gets a little more complicated, with haknyeon spinning and a lot of footwork. this is the peak of the song, and haknyeon’s feet and hand move in unison as choreographed, changing from one movement to another. still he enjoys it, smiling throughout the whole thing.

once the song comes to an end, haknyeon smiles, bright.

backstage haknyeon feels something rush through him, it’s a feeling that’s sort of new. maybe it’s come with being a leader for the first time, of leading something. he isn’t too sure himself, but the summer sun shines on him and he’s happy with this performance.

#rkmga4 #rkmga4summer #suhork #rkyngsun #rkxluda #rksxna #rkxhyunjin #2.4k words #leadernyeon!!!!!

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toneelspeler · 7 years

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Hello! I was just wondering that there had been a LOT of backlash for that isak Sana scene.. and I just don't understand it? I've tried reading posts where people try to explain and on paper it makes sense but when I watch it myself I see none of that? Am I really missing something? Because even though I'm a non Christian, non white girl who's dealt with... stuff... I somewhat agreed with isak and found that scene really important... I actually feel so dumb right now sorry

hello anon! it is a very contentious scene, for sure, but you should not feel dumb; it’s all a matter of circumstances and implications in that scene, tbh. look, personally? i get what the scene was going for. the whole intention of the scene is to show that racism is (more often than not) a result of ignorance; of not knowing better. and okay, isak’s idea of answering those questions was meant to serve as a solution to that problem. but that is a pretty debated solution in itself; should you really, as a minority, be responsible for educating every single person on your way that discriminates against you? some would say yes, other would say that would put a huge amount of emotional pressure on the minorities. (i personally wouldn’t be able to give you a definitive answer either, as a mga person. i do get fed up with questions about my mga sometimes you know, even if they are very well-meaning). and isak is kind of portrayed as being the person with all the answers in that scene without it being very nuanced (he’s even called imam valtersen; he’s compared to an actual muslim authority) and you know.. he’s white, male and non-religious. he’s a minority, for sure, so he can understand discrimination but i’m unsure if he should be the authority in matters of racism, bc discrimination works in so many different ways. and even the show itself acknowledged this later on: sana mentions to yousef that she tries not to see racism behind everything people do but that she finds it hard, with yousef.. an actual ex-muslim and turkish character, saying that it might not be entirely helpful either bc you know.. there is a lot of racism in the world.

and look, sana was also a bit unfair in saying that people who look at isak don’t see that he’s different, bc if isak were to walk around with even hand in hand there would be people who would throw disgusted looks and call them the f-word. (which is probably why this was included in the even clip). so isak can’t be himself in public entirely either (or imagine someone like eskild, who is unapologetically gay and is quite feminine; i don’t think he would even have to walk around hand in hand with someone for people to look at him and call him slurs). but i digress.

but we should also look at it in context of the bigger picture of an very unfocused season: the ramadhan started during and was barely mentioned even though it’s supposed to be a very big event for muslims around the world; jamillah, the one girl who is also muslim in the series (outside of sana’s mother), only appears in one scene even though she might have had great advice too. they didn’t actually show sana have a lot of joy from being muslim either. so the reaction to this scene was also just indicative of a culmination of things happening during the season that just weren’t well-received and generally weird.

so. i get where the scene was going for. but i do wonder.. if there hadn’t been people, actual muslim women for that matter, who had expressed their concerns regarding that scene, would yousef have that line in maghrib telling sana that to ignore racism isn’t the answer?

it’s a difficult scene, that’s for sure.

#Anonymous #ask

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uncheckedtomfoolery · 7 years

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Hello! I really liked your post on Aya and yr insights on her journalism. I had never ever thought about the relationship between the context where she works n the content she produces, thank you very much for taking the time to write about that! Anyways, if you have any opinions on Hatate, I would very much like to hear them! She has a completely different outlook on journalism, could you speculate on where that could have possibly come from? (apologies for my awkward English );)

First off, don’t worry about the English, it’s perfectly fine, and thank you for the kind words about the post. Now… I’ll be honest, I put this off a bit because I don’t know much about Hatate. I did some reading and discovered that as I suspected, there is, in fact, not a whole lot to know. With that said, part of this is written with help and ideas from a friend who’s not on this site; he’s behind a lot of the older tanuki post as well, and just generally one of my go-to people for ideas. Credit where it’s due and all, even if I had to argue a bit until he let me give any credit.The Aya post referenced in this ask is over here, for reference.My usual disclaimers apply. The post below the cut is a long one. I am sometimes willing to dip into conjecture (often, really) so long as I find it interesting. I can definitely be wrong about things and often am. I’m not really suggesting anything here as more than opinion. Finally, in this particular case, much will be made up whole cloth, because there just isn’t much there. She’s no Koakuma or Daiyousei (if you acknowledge them as characters at all), but there’s little to work with. More below. This, again, gets silly long. You’ve been warned!

This is going to start out closer to ‘just the facts’, in as much as I can. The further we go into the post, the more speculative it gets, and may just be ‘I made this up because it fits the rest and I think it’s interesting’. With that said, what do we know? Hatate is a tengu. Okay. Hatate is or wants to think of herself as a journalist; however, her paper is rather less popular than Bunbunmaru, which is probably not the only other paper out there, either. This might be because of getting pictures slower than other papers (she’s working on this, by the end of Double Spoiler), and possibly a less well-liked choice of subject matter as well. Or her writing style is less entertaining (I’ll let you decide if this is a matter of personal skill, not trying to entertain, or both). She dislikes Aya (let’s face it, this is easy even without any rivalry), far as we know. She’s kind of a shut-in. She has a phone, I guess, which is kind of exotic. I’ll address this later. We also have the… what, three articles from Kakashi Spirit News in SoPM? No profile for her that I know of, though. Thaaat’s about it. Because this is a long rambly post anyway: What you get here is basically my thought process (minus the parts where I go ‘alright, time to pester the local Idea Guy again’). Take what’s there, look at it, ask ‘why would this be the case?’, answer the question some way or other, and then ask ‘if (previous answer), what would that mean?’. Extrapolate till I’m tired of it. With that in mind, are you ready for me to start answering the above questions and then some, with roughly 85% conjecture? Because I sure am. Just, maybe not in order. Let’s start with her articles. What can we dig up from there? She’s fairly comprehensive; to me, the articles seem very detailed. She writes, in SoPM, about stuff that’s actually likely to cause trouble, or that is otherwise important. This tells us- nothing, actually, but let’s say more conservatively that it hints at a paper primarily intended to inform people about Things That Really Matter. Tell people what they ought to know. This is very different from the Bunbunmaru’s multi-faceted purpose: Some information, some deliberate misinformation, some propaganda, and some storytelling/entertainment. She does not hesitate to say some unkind things about humans, here and there. This suggests one of the following: She either expects a primarily nonhuman audience to her paper, or she’s got the social graces of a hurled brick and has no idea what might annoy people… or she just does not care. Or any mix of those! It could always be more than one, actually. Either way, this and a less entertainment-slanted approach certainly helps explain her low circulation, no? Even “it’s not entertainment, it’s Serious News” doesn’t help you when no one else sees a distinction that places it as ‘the proper one’ above Bunbunmaru. She’s not completely shut in like some would claim. She has at least one interview for an article that I recall (Iku), and unlike the Aya definition of the term, it appears to be pretty civil. Has to be in person too, phones aren’t an option and hers is only a camera in practice (one that’s half magic at that). If you want to be deeply uncharitable you could assume she poached the interview from another paper, I guess. Finally, she references science fiction in her Nue article. Weird thing to bring up, right? Well, picture how common this is in what is (kappa aside, perhaps) a fairly traditional youkai society, in what amounts to feudal Japan. Option one is that she got this and her phone from Sanae. Option two… she roots around sometimes for stuff that creeps through the barrier, like Rinnosuke (or buys from him?). Either way, Hatate the bookworm nicely explains what she does with a lot of her spare time inside, and also why she’s already got a decent knack for word-wrangling. Okay, it’s going to get a bit rocky from here on.

Hatate tries to write serious news, it seems, in contrast with Aya’s goals. They both work hard, but towards different ends. And yet, journalism is a new field here, as I touch on in my Aya post. You see her injecting herself into stories a lot even for stuff that has nothing to do with her, turning it into at least slight opinion pieces. She does not distance herself from the story. She’s not exactly a great modern journalist, then. It’s not hard to imagine this going further if the subject is closer to her life and heart, at which point she miraculously achieves gonzo journalism while never leaving her house. She gets almost no subscriptions on her paper. She stays afloat, though. So she’s rat poor, or tengu society makes sure everyone is provided for, or she’s actually well off enough for some reason that she doesn’t have to worry about actual work. It’s something to think about. We’re going to get into a bit of a tangled part now; her relationship with Aya, why she writes, and tengu society.

Hatate probably doesn’t need to be writing, or could find something better to do. This points at a fairly fierce conviction in what she does. She’s serious about this, and her direction is divergent enough from others (Aya, as our only other named example of a tengu journalist) that it’s fairly notable. It’s not something that actually has a place or serves a traditional purpose in tengu society, unlike Bunbunmaru, which is a very useful tool in her arsenal. Consider also her direction: Spreading information that people need to know. She does this because, in her mind, someone has to. People need to know things and no one else is doing this. Of course, injecting her vision into things is harmless. Of course she’s right to disdain Aya not just for being more successful, and being Aya (she’s kind of insufferable at times), but for working in the direct opposite direction. She’d probably have some harsh words for tengu society, too. She’s trying to make big waves, though. She might even throw some youkai mountain secrets into the mix if she could. Hatate is an idealist, then, and a driven one. She doesn’t get out much, though; either she can’t bring herself to, or she finds it unimportant for all her conviction. She can take pictures from home, right? The world’s a spectator sport. …Honestly, there’s something a bit Don Quixote-like about all this. If she seems very “smash the system”… yeah, kind of. The thing is, though, look at her. It’s embarrassing at worst, but she’s harmless even if she does work against tengu interests, which usually she doesn’t much. Personally, I think Aya looks quite fondly on her. It’s nice to see someone being young and naive and working hard towards what they believe in, even if it’s done all wrong and generally very silly.Let her have her fun, it’s refreshing to see someone care so much in their own weird little way. To Hatate, Aya’s support, when it comes, probably feels condescending, and maybe it is, a little. It’d be very “please don’t grow up too quickly, that would be a shame.” There’s something the aforementioned friend I contacted for this post wrote for Aya, a while ago, and I like it too much not to share it: “The problem with [Hatate] isn’t that she can never read situations and adapt, it’s that she confuses that for integrity. It could be a lot worse, though. She could be her father, who has a lot of the same problems, except I have to answer to him sometimes.”

Hatate’s spirit photography merits attention, too. It’s not exactly within normal tengu capabilities, after all. What’s going on here, then? We don’t hear of anyone else with it, but absence only means so much in Touhou. Still, it’s treated as unique to her so far. I don’t think it’s related to her being a tengu per se, but an innate ability of hers that she was born with. Possibly her parents had it, possibly they did not, but this is basically scrying. What others might do with a crystal ball, she does with a flip phone.

You’ve read, let’s be honest here, a frankly excessive amount of words, so it’s high time I hit the final part. We have the pieces, now it’s time for me to add in exactly enough shaky conjecture to glue this into a complete picture of a character. Hatate is kind of special, at least in some broad sense. There’s something going on that probably allows her to at least get by without worrying about the practicality of what she does. I’ll add that this is an assumption based on an assumption, which is less like shaky ground, and more ‘Wile E. Coyote has failed to realise he is standing on thin air’. Will that stop me? No. To continue, there’s the whole spirit photography thing too. I choose to interpret this as her being two things. One, reasonably well-cared for or well off. Either way, she’s under no obligation to be responsible and practical with her life. Two, kind of sheltered. There’s no evidence - even by my tastes! - to suggest that she’s particularly shoved to the margins because she’s the Great Flip Phone Seer, so let’s say she never could deal with people and the outside well, or she has an unpleasant association between going out and having to Be Presentable as the daughter of an important tengu family… or both, the latter compounding the former. So she stays in. She reads a bunch, mostly. She gets a little grumpy about tengu society, being young and inconvenienced by it, and generally rebellious. She reads the Bunbunmaru too, and sees things in it. She sees something she wants to do, something that could be great, and it gives her hope and ambition. She sees it used all wrong by her standards, and that makes her angry. A lot of things seem to, really; we can see that she’s kind of judge-y in her work. Possibly she’s internalised some views from the very tengu society she dislikes about, say, humans. Can’t help being shaped by her environment without even noticing it.So our angry, sheltered, naive - but basically altruistic - tengu strikes out to fix this. She can actually do something! Something good and serious and meaningful, and take potshots at things she hates in the world, all at once. She can afford to do it ineffectually and she can afford to let her quest for The Noble Truth basically eat her life. What she doesn’t have is a whole lot of awareness about how she personally is doing things, though what we see of her work is, I’ll remind you, reasonably solid.…So, that’s Hatate. She comes with a slider between ‘prefers to stay home’ and ‘cannot handle others ever’, as well as one between ‘maybe not the paragon of good journalism she thinks she is’ and ‘what if Don Quixote was an angry blogger with a typewriter’. Do as you will.

#Touhou #Asks #Hatate Himekaidou #ryusei-honey #Long post #Definitely one way to spend a monday #Analysis

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nhicaatienza-blog · 5 years

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the questions and story of us

1. Is it hard for you to accept the fact that he left you?

- Yes at first kasi I don’t have any idea na we’re gonna end up like this. Real sudden kasi we are perfectly fine, it is true nga na “expect the unexpected”kasi not all will go your way. Pero as the days passed by, I am accepting it kasi minsan mas masakit to hold on rather than to let go.

2. Do you think his reason is enough?

- Uhm at first hindi kasi yung reason talaga niya ng break-up is because of my attitude daw and nawalan siya ng gana but he didn’t said the exact reason why all of a sudden ganon. Pero kasi since I noticed his attitude was not the usual him, I suspected him na there is something really wrong. Until yun I found out everything.

3. Do you have any regrets?

- Siguro kung meron man is yun yung I trusted him ng sobra. Kasi if you love one person diba, you trust them kahit na it’s killing you and you trusted them to pull the trigger and until your dead. Haha. Pero all in all wala kasi sa loob ng 1 year and 8 months, he’s the one I needed the most and he made me happy naman. I’m still thankful despite of what happened.

4. If there will be a time that you will go back to where it started, what will you change in order for your relationship to last?

- For me siguro yung mindset na not all have the same heart as yours kasi nag-expect ako na all of my efforts will be returned. Actually kasi siya yung ganto sakin nung una, yung ligawan moments and yung kukuhanin niya palang ako, so I tried returning the favor, nung ako na yung na sa position niya, I gave back all of what he have done yet kulang pa pala yun. We should not expect na what we do will be reciprocated. Saka wala naman dapat baguhin, kasi tatanggapin mo naman yung tao kung ano siya eh diba?

5. What’s the biggest thing you did for him?

- Siguro naman lahat big thing? Jk. One is, I broke the rules of my parents which I lied to them na he’s my boyfriend, tho alam naman nila na suitor ko siya but still ayon. HAHA. And the second is that I fought for his name kahit everyone said na he’s not good for me. Siguro kaya masakit hindi dahil may iba but it’s because pinaglaban mo siya against the world and mahirap mag adjust na the person you prayed and cried to God is gone. Saka pala ito, big thing sakin na bumitaw kasi kahit hindi ko gusto, pero kailangan.

6. What if he comes back?

- Really ba? Parang he won’t. Haha. Uhm until now hindi ko alam eh. Hindi ko masagot yan, pero if ever man, maybe everything will not be the same. Panibagong simula, panibagong tao na makikilala namin sa isa’t-isa kasi a lot has changed. May gasgas na eh, there are scars pa din that will never be erased kasi that reminded me that I survived without him.

7. Did you already forgive him?

- Yes naman even before he said sorry. We all deserve naman to forgive kasi at one time, we will be needing that forgiveness too. Kung si God nga nagpapatawad sating tao, ako pa kaya? Haha. You can forgive but do not forget hehe.

8. Mahal mo pa ba?

- Hindi ko din alam eh. I know all of you won’t believe me if I said no. Haha. Di naman nawawala ang pagmamahal, nababawasan lang hanggang sa makalimot ka na and hanggang sa di mo namalayan na ubos na pala yung pagmamahal mo for that person.

9. If there will be a chance, babalikan mo pa ba?

- There were a little hope in me na bumalik but my brain says hindi na, kasi sabi nga nila, true love stays. If he’s not the right person, he won’t leave naman diba? Hindi ko din alam kasi I had enough and hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin pa if ever that mistake will be repeated again.

10. Ready ka na ba mag open sa iba?

- I would love to. But honestly no pa kasi syempre as a respect na din sakanya, ang aga pa para maghanap ha! And no, I don’t want them to suffer like me. Ang hirap mag invest ulit sa panibagong tao tapos iiwan ulit. Siguro kapag buo na ako ulit, kapag okay na ang lahat, kapag kaya ko na. I don’t use people just for me to move on. Hindi ko gawain manakit ng tao just because I’m hurting. Hindi ko alam din paano pa kasi naubos na ako. Haha

11. Did you plan for your future together?

- Yes. Kasi he said to me na sabay naming tutuparin pangarap naming dalawa. I saw him kasi as my future, before. Pero siguro it’s God’s will kaya nangyare lahat ng ‘to. Hindi man kami sa future, but I’m glad to be part of his past kahit papano.

12. If there is to blame, is it you or him?

- Both naman have caused harm eh. I believed. He lied. Siguro dahil nagtiwala ako kaya masisisi ko din sarili ko. Wala naman ding mali sa decision niya na iwan ako kasi nagmahal lang din siya, hindi na nga lang ako. Both are responsible for our mistakes.

13. Have you done your part?

- Oo naman. Sabi niya din naman hindi ako nagkulang, sobra daw ako. Siguro hindi lang yun enough para mag stay siya. And sabi nga nila, you will never be enough for the wrong person. Kaya siguro kahit gawin mo lahat, hangga’t hindi siya yung para sayo, it’s worthless.

14. What was your favorite memory with him?

- Lahat? Haha. Pero kung meron man top 3, first is yung birthday ko nung 2017 kasi that was the first time na umabot yung manliligaw ko sa birthday ko. HAHA and siya yung nakasama ko the wholeday and sa simbahan kami unang pumunta. Second is yung LS Cup which is my last year sa school and first niya, and he made me so proud and he made me go to school everyday( which is unusual.) Haha. The last was nung nag starbucks kami dec 2017 I think, kasi there we talked about many things, like deep talks and all plus dun ko siya nawitness umiyak because of me. Hahaha.

15. What was the best thing he had given you?

- All the material things he gave me were vulnerable. Pero yung pinakafavorite ko (until now I’m wearing it) the brown rosary bracelet kasi it symbolizes that God is with me everyday kahit na wala na siya sa tabi ko. And if hindi man material thing, the best thing he gave me is yung pagmamahal na hindi ko naramdaman before.

16. How much did you love him?

- Hindi ko masukat eh. Haha. Even God knows how much I loved him. Hehe. I prayed for him more than myself. I loved him more than anything in this world.

17. What was the favorite character of him that made you fall in love?

- He’s such a jolly person kasi. Walang oras na hindi ka tatawa sakanya. Siguro dahil before, I longed for happiness, sakanya ko nakita yung sarili ko na sobrang saya. He’s a positive thinker as well, kapag down ako, malungkot or all, inaaliw niya ko hanggang sa nakalimutan kong malungkot ako. And lastly, he can read me, he knows me very well, alam kapag malungkot ako, pag galit ako, pag gutom ako at pag pagod ako.

18. What was the last message you sent to each other?

- Even if there are problems or issues between us, at kahit wala na kami, we still respect each other.

19. What is your last wish for him?

- Tamang tama he’ll turn 19 sa March 15, I wish him the best in life even if it does not include me anymore. I still wish him happiness, yung happiness na hindi niya nakita sakin. Keep on aiming high and do not give up on your dreams future engineer and future athlete. Sana you will understand what you want kasi no one will understand you if you yourself can’t.

20. What are your realizations from this experience?

- I learned to forgive even if it caused me so much pain. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na nagagalit pero nagpapatawad pero hindi ako nakakalimot. I learned to fight everyday kasi hello hindi madali matulog ng umiiyak asking saan ka nagkulang at gumising ng malungkot iisipin bakit ako pa. I learned to be strong, ay mali, stronger kasi this is a battle na ako lang din yung makakatapos. Dito ko nalaman at nakita yung mga taong nagmamahal sakin ng totoo, na kahit naiwan ako, they served as my strength para bumangon ulit. Saka if one thing is meant to be, it will find a way. Kahit mawala man, it will find a way back to you. But if not, God will remove you on a situation which is not healthy for you. Every day I learn to love myself more and more, I found happiness within myself. I found my self-worth. I found my strength. And I am still learning to live and smile again.

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