wip as an excuse to show her off because she's cute to me but also so i can rant in the tags about The Malfunctions I Am Experiencing During This Piece

Observations when I study multiple languages at the same time:

Hello so good morning all. 早上好大家，我就着急啊哈哈....

I awoke today and my brain SPUN because I can read some Chinese, but I forgot how to say I woke up and got out of bed in chinese. I also just?? I suppose my brain worried and was like? “Do you even remember how to read french? do you even know any Chinese? Or is the new Japanese just overwriting old stuff?!”

I rationally know japanese probably won’t overwrite the rest because like - the first 5 months I studied chinese it just blocked out my French active recall unless I purposely used French a bit. But I didn’t lose any French as far as reading ability, and I got my French active recall back once I used French for a few hours/days. So it would be quite normal if my Japanese is recalled easier than my chinese for a few months. But my brain is like “we worked So hard to get to read what we Can read and say what we Can say we will be SAD if we lose it!!”

反正早上好我床上来了。我已经醒了。我不忘记很多的词。我着急为了没有的意思。我就找到一个翻译词典为了检查对的词。我猜不错。幸好！还我就可以阅读在法语，很好啊。今天我早阅读法语书一下，很容易。我没事。

My chinese may be a mess grammatically I know.

Anyway. I am. Thrilled I didn’t forget that many actual words. Universe help me if Japanese grammar starts fucking up my Chinese grammar tho. I mean I hope not because French never got fucked up; but to be fair to French I DID forget a ton of the conjugations when actually speaking/listening ToT I can barely recall French conjugations anymore unless I actively look at some textbooks or Le Français Par Le Method Nature to refresh myself. Likewise, I studied Japanese probably over 1.5 years ago now and since then, I’ve forgotten nearly all the verb conjugation endings I used to know with the exception of: ます、ません、じゃない、です／だ、じゃありません、ありまう、います、i know te form exists still though I completely forget what it’s for? Giving orders/suggestions? I forgot how adjectives conjugate but I remember they do? And I certainly forgot how words change when connected to their verb endings - I think there’s i and ru verbs? And they conjugate slightly different? And maybe nakatta is past tense negative, and katta is past tense positive (though I can’t remember if it’s katta or something else tta)?

Basically I forgot a HUGE portion of Japanese grammar. I also forgot Word order, I nearly forgot particles (I still have vague recognition of は、が、を、に、の、か). And I remember でも means but because it’s one of the few words I hear constantly and still catch. Also daijoubu (I may be spelling it wrong) for ok (I remember hearing it in YouTube and shows way more than any learning material I had, and I remember I’ve heard a similar word in thai dramas). 大丈夫／だいじょうぶ - using imiwa dictionary app I’m fairly sure that’s the word I’m remembering. Anyway I forgot... so much of my Japanese it’s like I just am relearning from almost scratch but with a vague impression it’s all familiar. I relearned these words/phrases lately which all sound extremely familiar now that I’ve heard them again: そうです、ここ、そこ、あそこ、駅／えき、子園／こえん, お電気／おでんき、今／いま、今日/きょう、あおい／青い、人/じん、話します／はなします、分かります/わかります、どこ、じゃまた.

Among the good things, I do remember most kana upon seeing them again, I think it’s just a few katakana i don’t remember unless I’m reading katakana then I recognize the word and remember the sound - like my name ミジョ/みじょ MeJo “mi-jo.” I always forget specifically ミ、シ、lol. I also forgot the way to extend vowels in katakana versus hiragana until I saw it again. And I still don’t quite remember why cake isカアク, but something else might be ice cream with a - like アーカイブ?

Anyway. Like I mentioned, this morning I read some French to assuage my fear and remind myself i can Actually still read French. I have not actually forgotten, even though my active recall is shot to hell unless I practice. And I did read, and aside from a few words I distinctly remember always confusing me and never looking up, I read fine. I’m fairly sure I read that novel easier than I’d ever read it before, even, catching more details this time than any time previously. So clearly my French reading skills are still fine, have been maintained, and if anything then over the years they’ve still marginally improved a bit.

I suppose my biggest concern with chinese is just... that I want to absolutely ensure my reading skill hits that vague “specific tipping point” that my French reading skill did. The point at which, once reached, your reading skill does not slip below “capable of grasping the overall gist of main ideas” and if you read every few days or weeks then also may continue improve over time. I remember in French, BEFORE I hit that “specific tipping point,” if I stopped reading for a while, then when I came back to reading things were harder to comprehend again and it took a bit of extra work to re-establish the foundations. But after a certain tipping point was reached, even if I didn’t read French for a few weeks or months, when I came back I had a basis of understanding that never fell below “at least able to follow gist of main idea” and often picked up any forgotten words within a few hours, then picked up new words to learn. And so I could continue “picking up where I left off” with learning instead of fighting with my reading skills sliding backwards. They no longer slid backwards, they only got “rusty” and then once polished up in a few hours, would resume improving. It’s the stage I want my chinese reading to reach, because once it reaches that point I will no longer worry I’ll forget the foundational skills - it’s decently doable to re-familiarize yourself with specialized words as needed (we even do it in English if say we read a psychology book for a class 4 years ago then pickup a new psychology class, etc). But it’s difficult to build the original foundation skills everything leans on. In Japanese, I never finished building it - I think I was finally starting to at 2.5 years in, then I gave up. As a result, I lost a significant portion of that foundation I had not finished building. At first I retained some of it, but from years of no review AND no continuing to finish building it, that foundation crumbled. So now I remember pieces of Japanese, but not enough to rely on. Whereas my French had enough time devoted to finishing the foundation, that now even if I take a few months or a year away from it, if I go back to speaking/reading/listening to French then the foundation is remembered quickly and I can start learning mostly where I left off and just jump to improving again (instead of needing months to relearn). While I can relearn/strengthen the basic things in French, I can also jump into books or listening or convos and know enough to just learn from doing, and still remember enough that I’m Capable of interacting with those things and comprehending enough To do them.

I think of it like drawing - idk when it happens with a skill like drawing, I drew since I was able to hold things so I don’t know. But basically whether you draw everyday, or stop for a few months or a year then return to drawing, within a few hours of drawing again all your previous skill comes back to you. If you forgot something you’d learned, usually a few minutes or hours re-learning is enough to drag your skills up to where they were before. So you can quickly return to your former skill level last time you drew, and quickly start improving further. So each time you draw, you’ve retained your skill from before (mostly) and improve your skill, then that skill improvement carries over to the next time you draw. It’s great. In some ways, my French skill is like that - I quickly can get to the comprehension level I was at last time I engaged with French, can improve from there, and then the next time I engage with French I can pick up from the level to which I’d improved to. I may forget some specifics I didn’t use much or learn as well - specialized words, or ways to express myself I rarely use (so rarely reinforce), but if I re-study them it takes a few hours to get those back (instead of the months it took to learn the first time). I am so grateful my French is past that “specific tipping point” because it makes French way easier to retain a useful level in, and easier to pick it back up when i have time and improve it as needed in the areas needed and retain the improvements I make for the most part. In Japanese, I never reached that “specific tipping point” of having established enough of a foundation. So I lost a lot of what I knew.

With Chinese, I really want to ensure I’ve reached past that “specific tipping point” of enough of a foundation, before I give it less dedicated time. I don’t want to lose the chinese I’ve learned, since it’s a significant amount. And... even more than that, my chinese speaking and listening ability is in many ways BETTER than my French, because I worked on it, and I don’t want to lose those abilities either to the degree I’ve developed them. In French, i know I have very low levels of speaking/listening in comparison to my reading and they lag behind as a result - even once they reached the “specific tipping point” a year later than reading in French, they still lag a ton behind my reading (think A1-2 French speaking/listening skills, versus French B1-B2 reading skills). Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to make it so my listening/speaking skills only lag behind my chinese reading skills a little bit. And I’d like all of those skills to reach the “specific tipping point” where I am able to retain the majority of those skill levels, before I work on chinese less frequently.

I know myself. With Japanese, at 2.5 years in I was Just starting to hit the beginning of making that foundation I could retain later - I was just starting to read and comprehend the gist of the main plots in manga, to watch YouTube or play games and grasp the bare gist of what the main ideas was. In French, those skills started at about 5 months in, and I don’t think they hit “specific tipping point” of me being able to rely on keeping those skills perpetually, until 1.5 years in. With Japanese, as I said, i hit the beginning of building them around 2.5 years in, and just never solidified them enough to hit the “specific tipping point” unfortunately. With Chinese, at least in reading (since I’m only discussing reading skill in all 3 languages), I probably hit the beginning of building these skills at month 10-11. That was when I could start reading manhua without a dictionary, novels without a dictionary (and grasp the main ideas gist at minimum), and watch shows and do the same. Which again, is higher than Japanese even was at its beginning-foundation, as I couldn’t even Read novels or listen to Japanese audio on its own and follow the main idea. So I suppose, to compare the absolute beginnings of each foundation being built: in French it was month 3 (when I could start brute forcing through news/Wikipedia and comprehend some gist of main ideas), Japanese year 2.3ish (when I started brute forcing through manga and comprehending very roughly some main ideas), month 6-8 in chinese (when I started brute forcing shows and novels and comprehended honestly more than I can believe I managed to in retrospect, considering how much easier those still-challenging tasks feel now). Anyway... Chinese has seemed to take 2x as much time to improve compared to my French. I do suspect chinese normally takes native English speakers roughly the FSI recommended 4x as much time. I suspect my French learning plan was just not very optimal for my learning style, so it wasn’t as efficient. Likewise... I suspect Japanese should normally take roughly 4x to 5x longer to improve then French. I suspect mine took SO long last time particularly, because I did not even have a good study plan for myself until year 2 of Japanese study.

So... based on all that. I imagine my chinese will be very firmly where i want it’s minimum skill to reliably maintain the foundation of what I know, to be at.. year 2-3. Year 2, if I keep improving as well as I’ve been doing (and assuming if my French had been more consistent it would’ve been at the “specific tipping point” by year 1). And year 3 if I don’t always study as much, or it simply takes longer (so twice the 1.5 years French took). Which honestly... 3 years is still intensely fast as I see it. And, if I’m improving the way I think I have been, I can’t even imagine how ill be in year 3. Anyway... based on all of that... I think it would be a bad idea to pick up Japanese heavily until my chinese is past at least year 2. With my 1 year+ of French, at that point I was also studying Japanese, and they seemed to work fine as I studied both - the only thing was it slowed down my French progress. So I do think waiting to do anything heavy with japanese, until my chinese is a good play I’m ok to let it simply maintain for the most part, is probably a safer plan.

—-

Realistically... no reason I can’t lightly re-study Japanese though and Just like rebuild the beginnings of the foundation I had though, it was probably N4 starting into N3 when I gave up. So I could probably re-learn some old stuff without taking too much time from chinese. And then if my chinese is year 2 by then, that sure would be convenient. Lol this is all... me contemplating. When we all know the truth is, I’m going to do whatever I want to do in the moment, and see what happens o3o

I am gonna tentatively say though, I think as long as I don’t abandon Chinese for any length of time until at least 2-3 years in, it should probably be maintained at least though at where it’s at/gradually improve. I didn’t lose any French during the times I kept using it, even when studying Japanese and russian, the “specific tipping point” didn’t really matter until I stopped using French for months at a time. I am sure I will notice if another language study is slowing down my chinese study though, in which case I’ll pause the other language if I have a Chinese goal that needs more time for attention.

At the moment, my Chinese goals are going about as expected. I wish I could carve some more time for them, but I’m giving them as much time as they were getting throughout the fall - so it’s not like they’re getting any less time than usual. (I am just inpatient, and wish I was the kind of person with the time and focus to give them 4-6 hours a day lol).

Fic “Behind the Scenes” - Alex Rider

Trying to dip my toes back into writing, so I thought I’d ramble about some fics I’ve already written! This started off as ranting about my title choice and how they’re usually Final Fantasy XIV songs I butcher in order to forcibly fit the fic, but it expanded into musings about things that didn’t make the cut into the final fic, and potential sequels/things that happen down the line.

Just doing Alex Rider fics for now since that’s my current active fandom, but drop me an ask if there are any fics you’re especially interested in from any fandom!

Starting off with: Time (2368 words, gen, Alex & Yassen focused) aka my untagged Inception-flavoured AU where the plot twist was that it was a dream all along That said, this title was probably one of the easiest to come up with and was obviously from the main theme of Inception, Time! Which is fantastic like the whole movie aaaa i love Inception AUs and this fic is probably the one I’m most likely to expand into longfic if I dredge up the motivation from somewhere. It would be a mission style fic, possibly a heist, where Alex and Yassen are seemingly working together in order to steal some valuable intel from another group. Of course, it’s all a dream! Through copious dream symbolism and mind fuckery the real mission was set up by MI6 for Alex to extract intel from Yassen, who by this point is steadily losing his grip on dreams and reality after months, possibly years, spent under sedation.

Yassen has a few tricks up his sleeve, though. He’s aware that he’s (probably) dreaming and he can see the fractures in Alex’s resolve after such a long time of being used and manipulated by MI6. It would only take a little nudge to get Alex to defect -- or, at the very least, to escape.

So while Alex is busy trying to extract information from Yassen, Yassen is trying to do the opposite: inception.

The rest below cut for length and also because they’re nsfw since most of my writing was for the kink meme! Warning for general fucked-upness and unhealthy relationships

at the end, on a dusty road  (8154 words, Yassen/Alex) aka the reputation sabotage fic, aka where’s part 3b?!

Title from Origa’s Polyushka Polye:

The wind scatters your brave songs Across the green field. Songs of the past, Leaving them alone with your glory, And right at the end, on a dusty road…

i just wanted something wistful and Russian about past soldiers and fading glory ok....... I came pretty close to titling the fic leaving them alone with your past glory but decided it didn’t make much sense out of context.

ANYWAY my first Yalex fic! Very much inspired by a hodgepodge of comments on Discord about how MI6 would react if they ever saw Yassen paying Alex visits in the middle of the night - “Could they be exchanging information?” “The whole night? Maybe the answer is something more obvious...”

ANYWAY the ending at the moment is pretty open - there’s two main ways I see it going:

1) Yassen comes back shortly afterwards, realises he had fucked up colossally, stays and helps Alex rebuild even though Alex (very justifiably) no longer trusts him. Very slow reconciliation and healing but ultimately happy ending.

2) aka the one where I broke Nanibun’s shipper heart over Discord: Alex and Yassen eventually reunite, but it isn’t until years later, when Alex is nearing middle age and Yassen has faded into obscurity. Alex managed to pick up the pieces of his life and even moved on properly from MI6, and now lives a fulfilling life. Married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, the whole lot. So what if his marriage is more for partnership than for love? He’s content with the direction his life had taken and has strong ties to his community. He even managed to forgive Yassen, even though it took him a long time.

He and Yassen meet for the last time in a sunlit cafe in spring. Alex looks at Yassen and sees only a stranger with lines crinkling under his eyes.Yassen is getting old, he realizes. He thinks he should be happy that Yassen even had the chance to get old, but all he feels is relief that their paths had diverged. Alex is done with that life and he can never trust Yassen again. All that old passion had burned away to nothing, not even a flickering flame. Even though the initial parting had been painful, Alex had managed to find peace long ago, and he hopes Yassen will be able to do the same. But it's a distant, unemotional hope, the sort of hope you'd have for a distant acquaintance you haven't seen in years. The type of well wishes that are etiquette more than actual sentiment.

He's glad when their drinks are finished and Yassen melts away into the chattering springtime crowd, one final dangling chapter of his life closed at last.

.

...............or, 3) Alex throws himself into increasingly dangerous situations in an attempt to feel something and dies young.

(part 3b is coming someday i swear! it’s the alternate path where Yassen has second thoughts, tells Alex the truth, and doesn’t send the sex tape to MI6)

---

Lemniscate  (3562 words, Julia Rothman/Yassen) Not a whole lot to say about this one, except after I finished I realised it was really similar to another fic I previously wrote which also involved a young man desperate to reinvent himself completely being taken advantage of by his superior............ i have a Type

Title - I was jamming out to Locus while writing this which is a song all about an inability to escape from cycles - When fighting back right out of this system/Means falling back right into this space ; When falling back is better than simply/Falling back into pieces again  - but it was long and unwieldy so I thought about shortening it to Moebius but that was a bit overdone... In the end I settled with Lemniscate which is also an infinity symbol, Moebius-like shape. Mostly it’s a reference to how Yassen never quite breaks free of his “cycle” even though he’s with Scorpia now - he was Sharkovsky’s slave and bedwarmer and...now he plays basically the same role for Julia Rothman. (Just with a bit more murder and moral erosion!)

---

This probably needs a special content warning - major character death (gun suicide from the second Russian roulette scene), gore, necrophilia

closing the circle (3650 words, John Rider & Yassen) aka is it still a gen fic if there’s offscreen necrophilia?

This was originally written for a kink meme prompt for corpse mutilation + necrophilia but then the John and Yassen plot thread kind of took over and I never actually ended up writing the gory stuff oops since it was too out of place compared to the rest. So everything below can be considered not “canon” since the fic diverged so heavily from its original plan (which is why the section numbers skip around - I cut out Yassen’s bits). But if you’re curious, here’s the details for what I originally planned to happen to Yassen (well, his corpse) and the Sharkovsky family, copy-pasted straight from my notes and full of as much karma as I could stuff in:

Yassen’s death, Sharkovsky shoves his fingers in the bullet hole and spits on the body in disgust. Yassen regains consciousness halfway through this; he can feel what Sharkovsky is doing

Ivan comes running in, attracted by the sound of the gunshot. Sharkovsky tells him to do what he likes with the body as long as it’s disposed of in the end. Necrophilia scene? Afterwards Ivan disposes of the body by locking it in the cellar alone with the Dalmatian for a few days

Yassen starts getting his revenge. Ivan is the first to go when he comes to let the Dalmatian out – the Dalmatian savages him and tears out his throat before it’s finally shot. Yassen’s bones get buried along with the Dalmatian. Ivan’s body is kept in the cold storage room in the basement where they kept the old food taster’s body while they decide what to do with him.

Maya, Sharkovsky’s wife, is next. She passes away in the middle of the night. Sharkovsky wakes up next to a cooling corpse.

There are whispers that there is some sort of curse. One of the maids talk about finding blood on the carpet of Sharkovsky’s study. She’s the next to disappear. Some other workers stop turning up.

Finally it’s Sharkovsky’s turn. He dies of poison. The dacha burns down that same night.

A Scorpia agent was sent to tie up loose ends (Scorpia didn’t know Sharkovsky is already dead); Yassen kills him too. He has no loyalty to Scorpia and just wants to be left alone.

Hunter is sent to investigate. He and Yassen talk, in the end, Hunter invites Yassen to come with him, Yassen agrees. But when they leave the dacha and Hunter looks back, he finds that Yassen is gone.

And an excerpt:

Yassen is dead. He does not remember dying. There are some things the human mind tries to shield itself from, and the memory of a bullet traveling through bone and brain to erupt on the other side in a shower of gore is one of those things.

Yassen is dead. He had hoped death would mean oblivion. At his most naïve and optimistic, he had hoped death would mean reunion. Happiness. A return to simpler days.

He discovers, instead, that death is not so different from life, except he is even more powerless now than before.

There is a body on the floor of Sharkovsky’s study. Its hair had once been pale white-blond, but now it is matted with coagulating blood. That same blood spreads in a dark pool against the carpet, clotting the fibres together into ugly clumps, stiff and flaking. The fire in the hearth is still burning sullenly. Its light glistens against the grotesque strands of viscera splattered against the ground, the furniture, the wall. A round hole had been punched into the side of the corpse’s head, piercing bone and brain. That was how the man who had once been Yassen Gregorovich had killed himself. The fingers of the corpse remain loosely curled around the old-fashioned revolver that had been the instrument of death.

The only living person in the room rises slowly from his wheelchair. Sharkovsky’s skeletal face is twisted into an ugly grimace of anger. He totters over to the corpse, nudging it with the tip of one polished leather shoe. “Waste of time,” he says coldly. “Ruining a perfectly good carpet, and for what?”

In a sudden fit of temper, he lashes out with a kick. Once, it would have been strong enough to break several ribs (Yassen knows from intimate experience). Now, the corpse merely flops limply to one side. It incenses Sharkovsky further. He drops heavily to his knees, breathing harshly, and backhands the corpse across the face with one shaking hand.

These idiots were not my clients. (Yes, I know, Mensah kept trying to have conversations with me about how she and the others weren’t my clients anymore, not really. But I didn’t have another word for it. I knew the one that she wanted me to use, but it was just—no. Last time I even thought about that, my performance reliability dropped by 2.5 percent. There was a pandemic going on, and this wasn’t the time for me to be anything less than my best, so I hadn't been thinking about it since).

So they weren’t my clients. And I didn’t care if they got sick, not really. But if these humans did get sick then they could give it to other humans, who would get even more humans sick. The longer that went on, the higher the probability that my clients would come into contact with someone who had it. And that was my problem. I know I wasn’t officially their security anymore, but that was just because most of the time they didn’t need one, not here on Preservation. But this was a real security threat, and I wasn’t about to let my one opportunity so far to do my job go to waste.

I’m not trained for working in public health, of course—humans do most of that, the planning parts anyway, and MedBots take care of the rest of it. It’s not like the Company ever gave me any education modules on epidemiology. Up until the last couple of weeks, pretty much all I knew about it was from watching a historical series set back before MedBots were as sophisticated as they are now, where a heroic team of human doctors and researchers was going around the galaxy trying to save people from a new and terrible plague, risking themselves in the process.

But at least the humans in the show were doing it for a good reason. These idiots that I could see, some out of my window and others through the station feed, were doing it because they were bored. Or because they missed other humans, or because they were restless, or whatever. I had been enjoying staying put in my rooms—I’d never had a chance to watch so much media, uninterrupted, at least not in any kind of comfort—and I really didn’t understand why they were so desperate to talk to other humans face-to-face, but then, humans do a lot of things I don’t understand, and I was used to chalking it up to their irrational brain chemistry, which wasn’t regulated as well as mine was.

Or, at least, as well regulated as mine was supposed to be. I had my suspicions that it had gotten a bit unbalanced, but the last thing I was going to do while I was with the Company, or especially once I had gone rogue, was let someone, anyone, mess with my brain chemistry. Not even ART, not even at the end. I’d been telling myself i was going to talk to someone trustworthy about it, if I could figure out who that would be, but then all of this happened, and it stopped being a priority.

I didn’t need to know much about epidemiology, though, to know that what these humans were doing was stupid. And, more to the point, they had to know it too. The public feed had been repeating the same safety alerts every fifteen minutes for the first several days, and on the hour every hour since. And every piece of media that you downloaded over the station feed now had the warning appended to the beginning of it, not to mention the feed alerts that they must have been triggering every twenty feet or so the minute they walked out their doors.

I’m used to humans being stupid, but these humans were being really, really stupid. Like, let’s order the SecUnits to stay in their cubicles at all times so that we don't have to look at them and then accidentally set the habitat on fire. Three times. (Yes, that actually happened. No, I don’t want to talk about it). And while they could be stupid on their own time, this time they were putting my clients at higher risk too. I didn’t have access to a MedSystem anymore, but I knew that Pin-Lee’s medications weren’t ones that you took if you had a healthy immune system. And while as far as I could tell Mensah wasn’t old, even for a human, I didn’t think she was young, either. Humans being stupid and having a party in one of the parks, like I could see in the feed from the central atrium (no, nobody had officially given me access to the station feeds. Yes, I had all of them anyway), or just wandering around looking for any shops that were open (which were none of them, because Mensah wasn’t an idiot and had put out orders to close them days ago), were making themselves into security threats for the humans I did actually care about.

They don’t have Sec Units on Preservation—aside from me, anyway, and my official label is a bit complicated these days, between Mensah insisting that I don’t need to work security and the legal gymnastics that Pin Lee pulled to let me stay here—so I couldn’t do what I really wanted to, which was put on my armor and go out there and tell them they had to go home, with the unspoken but very clear understanding that if they didn’t, I would make them.

What I did have, though, was a bundle of fabric that had been in a package that Pin-Lee had left behind in my rooms several weeks ago. She had done an ok job of acting like she’d simply forgotten to take it with her when she left, but reviewing the footage showed her eyes flicking back towards it several times as she walked out the door, which meant that there had been plenty of opportunities for her to come back for it if she’d wanted to. I’d waited until all of the humans had left, and then opened it up. It was a full set of the uniforms that the humans who did the low-level security for Preservation wore—people who would be called Station Security or Station Police elsewhere, although here they only had a subset of those duties. I’d put them away in the bottom of a drawer. The last thing I actually wanted was to go out and talk to  humans I didn’t know, but even I had to admit that the uniform might come in useful some day.

So I put it on, only wishing a little bit that I could have worn my armor instead. I compromised by getting out another gift from one of my humans. Well, one of the humans I knew, anyway. Gurathin had given them to me as a joke, I think, but the large mirrored glasses were actually the closest thing to an opaqued faceplate that I’d seen humans on Preservation wear. They weren't common on the station, but they laso weren't unusual enough to attract attention when I wore them, and as long as I remembered to set my pupils to be slightly more dilated, they didn’t impede my vision either. I didn’t like to thank Gurathin for anything, so I didn’t, but I did wear the glasses.

I slid them on and took a second to check myself in the room’s camera feed. The uniform worked. I’d pass for one of the humans, but unlike them, I wasn’t at risk of catching the disease. Or spreading it to anyone else. I don't have an immune system, but I also don't have most of the bits that pathogens actually infect, and it's not that hard for me to make the parts of me that are cloned tissue inhospitible to outside microorganisms. I washed my hands, carefully timing the 25 seconds I took to do it. Then, for the first time in days, I opened my front door. Time to make some stupid humans go home.

Easy Ass Bread

During this void in space/time we refer to as Quarantine, I have decided to tackle my greatest baking fear: yeasted bread. Now, after a few months of sporadic baking frenzies, I have come here to this hell site to share my findings. I am in no way a bread baking expert; there are a lot of variables that go into good bread, and I’m honestly not that good of a baker to begin with, but I have made a few discovers that have led to me being more or less satisfied with the resulting loaves. So without further ado, here is Aud’s Recipe for Easy Ass Bread. (Under the cut to avoid LONG POST tm)

3 cups (360 g) Bread Flour

1.5 teaspoon salt 

2 teaspoons (7 g) Instant Yeast (or 2.5 t (8.5 g) Active Dry Yeast)

2 Tablespoons (27 g) Olive Oil (I sometimes use Avocado instead)

1 cup (250 g) water

somewhat specialized things that make it easier, but aren’t 100% necessary: pizza stone, cast iron skillet, spray bottle, wire rack

Combine the flour and the salt. Dissolve the yeast in the water (if you are using Active Dry Yeast, warm up abt 1/4 cup of the water to 110F (43C), or to about bath temperature, add in a small teaspoon of sugar, stir in the yeast, and leave 10-15 minutes, until the yeast starts bubbling, then add that to the rest of the water and continue as normal). Add the yeasty water and the oil into the flour and stir it together with a wooden spoon (or, like, your hands, it doesn’t matter). Once it starts coming together, dump it out on your (clean!!!) work surface, and knead it together until it is more or less smooth (i do 8 minutes but it might be more or less depending on your level of rage). Then, shape it into a ball and put it in a bowl or tuppaware large enough for it to expand by about 1.5 times its size. Cover it tightly and put it in the fridge at least overnight, and up to about 4 days, opening the lid once a day to let out the built up CO2. 

The next day (or whenever you decide to bake it), take out the dough, shape it into a ball, and place it on a piece of parchment paper. Oil a piece of plastic wrap and cover it, then let it come up to room temperature. Preheat the oven to as hot as it can go (mine does 500F), with a pizza stone on a bottom rack, and a cast iron skillet on the top, with plenty of space in between the two. Let the dough rise for about half an hour, while the oven preheats, then remove the plastic wrap, and spritz the dough with water. Slide the parchment paper directly onto the pizza stone (with the dough still on it, obviously). Pour about an inch of water into the cast iron skillet, and spray more water on the walls and floor of the oven, and then close the oven, and reduce the heat to 450F (230C). Bake until the sides of the loaf start browning, then CAREFULLY!!! remove the cast iron, and switch the oven to broil, and bake until the top of the loaf is deeply browned. Remove the loaf from the oven and cool on a wire rack. Once cooled, ENJOY!!

Now, this is definitely not the best bread recipe in the world. But it does definitely scratch the “I really want crusty, chewy bread” itch that I was feeling, and its also hecka satisfying to make (plus, kneading bread is a great way to get out some excess rage at the state of the world). This recipe specifically is the result of me trying out a ton of recipes and figuring out all the cut corners and short cuts I can take and still have a decent loaf at the end of it.

If you don’t have a pizza stone, you can bake it on a regular baking sheet, but it won’t cook as nicely. You can also use a different container than a cast iron skillet for the water, but I like to use one bc it can get nice and hot all by itself in the oven without cracking or warping, unlike say a glass or aluminum container. 

(Some explanation for why some things are like they are if you’re curious:

You want to wait for Active Dry Yeast to bubble up (aka ‘Proof’ it) before using it bc you need to check that its still alive. You can technically do that with Instant as well, but Active Dry Yeast is put through a harsher treatment to make it shelf stable (? I think) so its more popular to proof it just in case. 

If you don’t put this dough in a big enough container, it Will Explode all over your fridge trust me I Know From Experience.

The longer the dough is in the fridge, the more time the yeast has to Get Busy and make the Funky Yeast flavors. The low temp + long rest = many fun flavor. A quicker (1.5 ish hour), warmer (room temp) rest would also be fine in a pinch, but it would be less fun yeast flavor. I don’t do more than 4 days, however, bc it also changes the texture of the dough a lot, and makes the loaf flatter. I don’t know the Real Science why, though, I only know bread.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You gotta put the pizza stone in the oven BEFORE preheating bc that heats it up gradually. Rapid temperature change can cause it to crack. (also dont like.. put it directly into the fridge after bc it Will crack and also why would you do that?? basically no rapid temp change ok)

The pizza stone helps the oven retain a lot more heat (you basically make a mini oven within the oven its great) and more heat = better bread. I don’t know the real science but it happens ok trust me. 

The reason for all the cast iron w water and spraying the loaf w water and spraying the oven is bc Bread needs STEAM! Real bread ovens have steamers in them but we don’t have one o those so we gotta improvise! Steam causes the hard cronchy crust on the bread which is practically the best part so if you can maximize the amount of steam you introduce to the environment while minimizing the amount of heat the oven loses, thats poggers. 

Also I know we all wanna eat that chhronchy bread straight outta the oven, but you gotta let it cool down for like at least 20 minutes bc if you tear/cut into it while its still hot you’ll ruin the texture and like the yeast did so much work to make the bubbly texture don’t ruin it for them.

Alright gamers i’m out have fun w bread lov u) 

FRUITS BASKET ‘19 EPISODE 23 VS FRUITS BASKET ‘01 EPISODE 19

Ok! We’re finally here! We’re at the beginning of the storm! I’m so nervous... I didn’t know how to do these comparisons especially the storyline in the 2001 version not syncing up completely with the 2019 version. But I’m just gonna try and puzzle piece my way through it, ‘kay? :)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Also, just some notes that I wanna state about the 2001 version so I don’t keep repeating myself for the next 2-3 weeks:

- I love love love the opening. It breaks my heart and heals it every time I hear it and the images of the characters by doorways/windows/alleyways looking outward and always to the side of the frame is a great artistic choice and metaphor. Also, the lyrics are just simply... everything. ‘Let’s stay together always...’

- Some of the colour choices in clothing (or even the hair) that the characters have are... interesting. I definitely find myself appreciating the newer version as you can tell they put more thought into it, even if I do think the power ranger assigned colours are kinda silly. But really? Kyo wearing pastels?! No way. ...But I kinda love it anyway. Outfit Appreciation: 2.5 stars.

- I adore the music box sounding background music. It really adds a lot of whimsy to the show and kinda reminds me that Fruits Basket in a lot of its elements takes inspiration from fairy tales. 

- The English dub voices obviously sound different and in comparison to the 2019 version, you can really tell how much they’ve all matured as VAs. ESPECIALLY Laura Bailey and Jerry Jewell.

- I also adore how ridiculous and mostly comedic the 2001 version is. Which makes the later turn in the anime so much more heartbreaking and tough to watch as it comes as such a shock compared to the tone of the rest of the anime. Unbalanced? Maybe so. But on a shallow kind of level without thinking too hard, I can enjoy it.

- I love 2001!Shigure. Again, it’s a shallow choice and I don’t deny he’s a lot more interesting and fleshed out in the manga/2019!anime. I just like 20-something year old, new-father-to-two-teens-but-he’s-not-like-a-FATHER-he’s-a-’cool-older-brother’ who likes to laze around the house in his kimono and ISN’T MENTALLY TRAUMATISING THEM. Well, without meaning to anyway... AND LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Right! Let’s get into it! 

This is me knowing the future trauma I’m going to have to go through with this anime.

But in all seriousness, the 2019 version really captured Tohru’s depression a lot better. Especially with the later scene where she breaks down in front of Kyo in the bedroom. A+ crying from Laura Bailey, I really felt it this time. As I said, the 2001 version seemed like it didn’t wanna deep dive too much so I’m glad we get a deeper in look to the complexities of Tohru this time.

It might be a translation ‘nothing’, but I find it interesting that Kyo felt like he jinxed her. Especially linked with his comments to Kagura later about how he feels ‘no one should want to hang around him’. I mean we’ll get into the reasoning for this most likely in the next two episodes but you can probably guess why... Poor kitty.

(Also side note: Do you think that’s why - out of everyone that has been bullied in this anime - Kyo seemed the least affected by school bullies? Is it cos of his experience within the Sohma family and his curse, that he almost expects that everyone he meets would treat him like that? It’s interesting because Hana had the same thought process towards her own bullying but she never fought back... But Kyo did. I might just conclude this thought as it just being in his nature to fight back, but we’ll see...)

Also, 2001 giving us Kyo freaking out in cat form about Tohru’s fever was pretty funny. Man, they really did do an overkill with the transformations back then...

2001 really was not good at showing the gradual progress of Kyo controlling his anger around Tohru as much as the 2019 version. Yes, in the 2019 ep, Kyo was still annoyed that Tohru wouldn’t just relax and concentrate on getting better but my God, Kyo is sooooo shout-y and yell-y in this version! And I don’t wike it lol.

However I shouldn’t shit on the moment too much. I do think 2001 wanted to show us that Kyo saw how receptive Tohru was to Shigure being calmer and nicer and it kind of influenced him to take more of a gentle approach to Tohru later. Kyo being influenced by Shigure is... questionable... but whatever, it’s got good intentions! (I still like the 2019 version better)

Momiji with the oversized work outfit! He’s so adorable I could cry.

- I’m kinda bummed that the 2019 version didn’t include the ‘Kyo stealing leeks from Yuki’s garden’ moment. It’s a hilarious moment (especially with Yuki’s reaction) and it is just PEAK ‘it’s not stealing if you’re taking it from family’ energy that I adoreeee and stand by lol

Really, 2001!Kyo... are you five years old?

‘ 🎵And at most... I’m sleeping all these demons away...’

‘ 🎵But your ghost... the ghost of you it keeps me awake’

Kyo seeing ghosts of Tohru is both unintentionally funny and dramatic in both versions to me, I’m sorry. I’m really just a child.

Where do I start? Kyo being ever so dramatic with the goggles and the face mask... Shigure with the all-knowing troll look. 2001 really gave us some gems and I think we all tend to forget that.

Plus...

I. LOVE. THIS. BROTHER. DYNAMIC. (I know it isn’t accurate don’t ruin the fanfic going on in my head)

- Tohru being depressed that she wasted Yuki’s time and didn’t fulfill her mother’s wishes makes me wish she was more so just concerned about herself and how she’s gonna pass for herself? But it is very much in her character to do so, so I guess I’ll let it slide. And I guess Kyo said what I said in well... his own unique way of giving advice.

- But when it came to the actual soup porridge scene, I lean more towards the 2019 version. There’s so much said in Kyo’s body language and Tohru’s own inner thoughts. She’s really falling in love with him and she doesn’t even know it!!! 

THAT PEEK FROM HIS ELBOW?! COME ON!!! STOP IT. MY HEART. these dumb fuckin kids...

I loveee the 2019 porridge moment so much more, but this moment right here just ELEVATED the whole moment. It says so muchhhh without saying much at alllll and ohhhh this poor boyyyy...!!!!! It really took a fluffy moment and just stabbed me in the heart and I guess I respect you for that? Thanks...?

I’m so glad the 2019 version is feeding us in stupid made up songs. *chef’s kiss* haha

- I’m really glad that Kisa calls Hatori ‘uncle’ in 2019 and not ‘grandpa’ like she did in 2001. Cos as someone in their mid-twenties that shit was straight up offensive lol

The Momiji and Kyo moments are always so heartwarming in this version. My faves. <3

- Also I dunno why but I really liked Hatori, The Doctor Who Smokes in the 2001 anime. It didn’t make sense but quite honestly if anyone in this anime chose to smoke to let off some steam, it should be him. (Not an advocate for smoking)

---- Right! No more 2001 comparisons cos the episode that is equivalent to this part of the episode is also riddled spoilers for the next 2019 episode so... just normal review from here. ---

Why is it that Yuki’s insults against Kyo always hurt so much more?! They are both terrible to each other but for some reason, I always feel it more when Yuki verbally backhands Kyo. Maybe it’s the way Eric Vale practically venomously spits out these words or maybe it’s cos Yuki kinda has more privilege than Kyo so it feels like he’s kicking a literal homeless cat.

- Also, my poor boy! Definitely felt myself sympathising a lot more this time around to how weak he was feeling.

Lol I felt that exasperated breath. At least this time, Kyo doesn’t call Tohru’s umbrella ‘a sissy girly pink umbrella’. A minor improvement? (So, I might of watched a bit of the 2001 version of episode 24...)

...Need I say anything? <3

- HEADLINE: Shigure ships Yuki/Tohru and Kyo/Kagura? What is he up to...

- Kyo shouting at Kagura in the middle of the supermarket was a shitty move but Kagura mooshing his head in response was great... what a terrible but very entertaining couple lol

- Kagura’s ‘If I told you, you’d cry...’ is giving me all the heart pain. How many times can I say that I’m not ready...

I’ve seen people in the tag compare this moment to his porridge moment with Tohru and while I agree, it does seem like Kyo just naturally wanted to help Tohru compared to Kyo feeling obligated to hold hands with Kagura. But errrrm.... I just think Kyo is a good kid haha. And while I do think he CLEARLY holds Tohru in a very treasured and locked away place in his heart, he just doesn’t like it when girls cry around him and will do anything to stop it. I also think he does care about Kagura, and that he’s more so annoyed that Kagura doesn’t seem to get that he won’t love her in the way she loves him (and well... her being a tsundere lol). But I could be wrong! I’m a walking manga amnesiac as always...

*HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*

Talk about FINALLY. They really named the episode that and made us wait until the LAST SECOND OF THE EPISODE TO GIVE US THE WORDS: ‘You look well...’

What a tease.

And we’re not even gonna get into the preview for the next episode and how three words made me tear up minutes before I had to go to a party on Friday night.

Wow. This might be the longest review so far. I don’t doubt that next week’s will be longer lol. The reason why I wanted to do the 2001 comparisons will probably make more sense next week and I will also say my thoughts on the 2001 version of the events with the umbrella and Kagura and Kyo’s date next week before I go into the review.

Jeez, this took two hours to write. WHY DO I DO THIS?!

Chicken Enchiladerole with Sour Cream Sauce

Every year, Tamesr and I make each other food for our birthdays. Worked great when we lived together, still works while we are many states apart. She usually makes me cakes. I tend to be a little more..untraditional.

Yesterday was her birthday. I made her a chicken enchiladerole.

What is an enchiladerole? Well, technically it’s an enchilada. In a casserole dish. I used to be able to roll the enchiladas like a normal person, but as my hands have slowly stopped cooperating over time, I find it much easier to just tear up the tortillas and layer them like a casserole.

But! What’s so interesting about my enchiladerole that I’m making a post about it? It’s...bland. Not spicy, not acidic. I make the chicken, and I make the sauce. Nothing premade here! I’ve got medical restrictions, placing me on a bland diet, so I modify recipes to fit. 

Maybe you’d like to see what I’ve done? Maybe you’re in a similar situation and want to see if you could try something similar? Woo!

I should mention this is heavy on dairy. And the post is long. With pictures!

First off, lemme say, normally I do this in a casserole dish. Yesterday, I did not. I did this in a disposable aluminum pan. The result was a little different than I expected, but not bad. Thusly, do not worry if you do not have a casserole dish (I never had one before I moved back with my parents to help them). Disposable aluminum pans are pretty cheap at the store (I think my 2 pack was maybe a dollar or two.) so even if you don’t want to casserole it and want to roll them like normal, these pans will still fit the bill.

!

Gather your party to move forward.

Preheat your oven to 375 F.

This is the chicken party, chicken not pictured.

2 pounds of chicken meat. Breast fillets or strips or ones that have been cut up for stir fries all work. They’ll all be cut up in the end. Frozen or fresh, no difference (but ya gotta thaw em, silly).

Mayonnaise. 

Garlic (I use minced).

Lemon juice.

Seasonings/spices. I am a weh weh baby and use only rosemary, salt and a dash of cayenne pepper. You can change these to suit your tastes.

Shredded cheese, your choice. 

I picked up this bit from my sister. She uses it when she makes spinach chicken. I like cooked spinach, but it has no place in my enchiladerole. 

My parents use canned chicken chunks when they make their enchiladas. Le yuck. No flavor and it stinks worse than canned tuna, tbh. It’s ok for chicken and dumplings, but not in a dish where chicken is top of the bill.

What we’re going is basically making a paste to dredge the chicken in. The mayo coats it and keeps it from drying out. The lemon juice is to help break down the meat and tenderize it a little. The spices flavor the meat. The cheese makes a happy crust. 

I don’t do fancy measurements. See that spoon? You need 2.5 spoonfuls of mayo. A 5-6 second squeeze of lemon juice. Pinch of salt, dash of cayenne, and two shakes of rosemary. For the garlic, your choice. I use the other end of the spoon and take a dip out of the jar. 

Handful of cheese. Add it a little at a time if you need to, to keep the balance. Remember, you’re going for a paste. Mix it up, should look something like this.

Prep your chicken. You can leave it in the big fillets or chop em into smaller pieces to bake. I find it easier to piece them, since they take less time to cook.

Stick em in the bowl, mush them around with your hand. Don’t worry about them being completely coated, just make sure they’re covered into the mayo. When they’re all coated, you can put the extra cheese on top to make the crust.

Like that. You definitely want to use foil on your pan for this, because there will be liquids. Cheese oil, chicken juice, all that good stuff. Make a little wall around it so it doesn’t get everywhere when you take it out later. Save the crunchy bits that end up around the chicken when they’re done. They’re still good and you can put them in the enchiladerole for extra flavor.

Now, as Alton Brown would say, GO WASH YOUR CHICKEN-Y HANDS.

Now, I put mine in the oven for 45 minutes. However, that is for THIS oven. In the past, I’ve had to cook them for longer, and for shorter. It all depends on your oven. You know it, I don’t. It’s better to underestimate and have to add time than to overdo it and burn the yums. 

Food safety, cook the chicken to an internal temp of 160-165 F to make sure it’s done and any germies are slain. Unless you have a fancy stick thermometer, you’re probably not going to be able to tell. Here’s what you do: cut the biggest piece open and see if its raw inside. If it’s raw, they aren’t done. You want it to look like the inside of a chicken nugget (white), not what it looked like going in (pink and gooey looking).

Like that. 

So now that they’re out of the oven, let em sit. One, they’re hot and you don’t want to handle bitchin hot chicken. Two, whenever you cook meat, you want to let it rest afterwards. This lets it reabsorb some of the liquid that cooked out and other fun culinary stuff.

When you have approximately 15ish minutes left on the chicken cooking, let’s start the sauce.

Have you ever heard of a roux (roo)? We’re going to make a roux. Now you can sound fancy.

AP Flour

Unsalted Chicken stock

Milk (I use whole milk because that’s how I am. Fairlife is lactose free, though. Whether you use regular or lactose free doesn’t matter. Just don’t use like...nut milk. Use the moo juice.)

Butter (I used what was already opened, which was unsalted. If you use salted butter, watch how you add salt in other parts of recipes. It can throw off your groove.)

Sour cream. 

Not pictured here, the same spices as the chicken paste (Cayenne, Rosemary, Salt. No garlic this time, but you can if you want to.)

Also not pictures, more shredded cheese. Haha.

I use about 2 tablespoons of butter. Melt it in your pan, mix in the flour slowly. Probably about a cup of it. You’re the judge of how thick you want your sauce to  be, so adjust to your liking. What we’re doing is helping the flour not be a little bastard and clump when it encounters the fat (the butter), so the sauce can be smooth. Nobody likes lumpy sauce. If you need to, you can add a little bit of the chicken stock to help smooth things out. 

When things are looking pretty well mixed, add in the stock and the milk. Eyeball it, my dudes. Fill the pan a little under halfway with the stock, then the other half with milk. Keep about an inch to the top, otherwise things will get messy when you add in the sour cream later.

When it reaches a simmer, add in your spices and sour cream. Stir stir stir. Don’t let it boil, though. Sour cream doesn’t like to be boiled. Keep stirring. Add in a handful of cheese. Don’t let the flour or the cheese settle on the bottom and burn. That will taste very bad. 

Are you stirring? KEEP STIRRING.

It will eventually look like this. Smooth. Taste it. Taste flour-y? Not done yet. Keep going til it doesn’t taste like flour. You should be able to taste the sour cream and the spices. Need more spice? Add it now. By now, it should reach your desired thickness. At the least, you want it to coat the spoon when you remove it from the sauce. 

Dance break. Bean has come to see you for culinary support. Sing her a song while you wait for the chicken to be handable.

Tear up some tortillas. Flour or corn is your decision. My parents and sister prefer corn. I like flour. I find they fit better with the creamy texture of the sour cream sauce. 

You can make the chicken any size you like. I tend towards bigger bite size pieces because I’m impatient.

Put your first layer of chicken in. Arrange your chicken, toss in some shredded cheese, make another tortilla layer. Repeat til you reach the top of whatever size dish you’re using.

My dumb ass underestimated the depth of these pans and thusly, it fit only one layer. Luckily it was a two pack, so I just made two. Huzzah.

Top layer, now is the time for the sauce. Try to spread it evenly, make sure it gets down the sides or you will have very dry bottom layers.

What’s that? Something is missing?

You’re right, it’s the final cheesening. I told you this recipe was heavy on the dairy. This is why we use the big bag of cheese. This will make your crust. Yom yom.

Stick it in the oven. I put these in for 30 minutes. Added 5 more minutes at the end for the cheese crust to properly brown.

Bean is still here to support you. Sing her another song while you wait for the enchiladeroles to cook.

BAM, as Emeril says. Let it cool for a couple minutes before you cut into it (nobody likes to be burned by shittin hot noms). Eat it now, or put it in the fridge to eat later. Sometimes it’s even better that way, having more time to coalesce flavorfully.

Trial---pt 2.1

Genre: Mafia AU, Angst, slight fluff…maybe?

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader, Sehun x Reader

Warning: Guns, weapons, drugs, explicit language

Word Count: 1716

Chapter Summary: When reality hits you hard, can you still keep your promise? Especially when you don’t even know who he is anymore.

A/N: I split the second part in half to add suspense, hahaha~ It’s so hard to work when tumblr is banned here so I have to use VPN. I hope you guys like it! 💕💕

✾ Link to Masterlist 

pt 1 | pt 2.1 | pt 2.5 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7 |

“Boss.”

“Boss!”

You jolted at Kai’s sudden yell and nearly jumped in your seat. Sending him a dissatisfied glare, you asked, “What?” Kai pouted, “I’ve been calling your name for five times! BH wants you in his office.” You lifted an eyebrow, “Now?” Doesn’t he know you are busy?

He darted his eyes around and scanned the shooting range, realizing you are in the middle of training newbies. Kai chuckled awkwardly before you waved in front of him dismissively, “Whatever. Take over.”

The reason you were distracted was that the Glock 26 he was holding in his hand. When was the last time you saw that same exact one? It was the same pistol you used to escape The Prison. You were surprised at how long it has been since you’ve made this far in the outside world. The memories were too faded, and you don’t want to go back to the darkest times of your life anymore. At least you had Joohyun and Minseok. And Baekhyun.

Baekhyun. Honestly, you don’t think about him as much as before anymore. Maybe because you were hurt too deeply by him, you don’t know. Plus he is your current superior. The leader of the largest mafia in Asia. He is also part of the reason you decided to bury the past. He is everywhere in your memories. You didn’t even realize until now how big of a role Baekhyun played in your past. He was impeccable as a partner in those cruel survival games, and more so as a friend. The naive you who didn’t know anything thought that’s who Baekhyun is and will ever be,  especially after he gave you a promise with his mother’s necklace.

But the surprise was way bigger than you’ve ever imagined. You have never had one single idea that Baekhyun might be the leader of a mafia. More so when you found out he is a chief recruiter of The Prison’s survivors. 

                Flashback                       

You woke up in a hospital bed with a throbbing migraine. The lights were too blinding, and the walls were too white. You blinked several times to adjust to the sudden brightness and rubbed your forehead trying to reduce the headache. Where am I? What happened? You were trying to recall anything from your brain that might give a clue, but none came out. Then a thought suddenly came to your mind. The escape! Your breath hitched when that night’s events flashed through your mind. Although much of it was a blur, you could still smell the blood and the dirt, and the pain when the bullet hit you. Joohyun had told you to run while you two were being surrounded by others, but-

Joohyun!

Your heart started beating faster at the thought of Joohyun being hurt or worse, so you jumped up while pulling off the needles and tubes off of your body despite the stings and the warning noise from the machines nearby. You lifted the blanket off and tried to get off the bed, but the moment your feet touched the ground, and you let go of the railings, you collapsed. 

“Ouch,” you hissed when your head accidentally hit the corner of the machine, the force of collision only added the pain in your head. Trying to stand up, you clutched the railings tight and tried to use your legs, but they felt like nothing.  By then, your forehead was already covered by a thin layer of sweat. You took a deep breath and tried a second time, accidentally knocking a flower vase off of the table. You watched it crash into a million pieces on the floor while the water splashed off. 

“Fuck,” you cursed under your breath. As you tried to bend down to pick up the bigger ones, the door suddenly burst open. You turned around and came face to face with Joohyun, worry written clearly on her face. She immediately let go of the door handle at the sight of you. 

“Yah, Y/N!” She ran to you and helped you up as you grabbed onto her arms tightly. Two nurses came in behind her, and they cleaned up the mess on the floor. You didn’t miss their look of fear when you made eye contact with one of them.

“What were you thinking? You just woke up from a coma, you need to rest!” Your eyes shifted back to Joohyun as she helped you climb onto the bed again. She let out a breath when you were finally back to your initial position, looking more than relieved. “Minseok and I were so worried about you, you just fainted out of nowhere.”

“How long was I in a coma?”

“5 days. I almost thought you were not going to wake up.” Joohyun hugged you a little too tight, and you winced when the bullet wound came in contact with her body. Joohyun immediately let go, “Oh god, Y/N! Shit, how can I forget you still have a bullet wound! I am so sorry---” You smiled warmly, “It’s ok.” Your thought about how lucky you were to have someone like Joohyun. The prison brought up the ugliest aspects of humanity, but Joohyun had been with you through fire and water. You would never have survived without her. Your mind went back to the night of the escape, when she pushed you to run without her.

“Joohyun, what happened in the escape?”

She stopped babbling about your wound. You saw how this topic is touching a soft spot, but you needed to know. Joohyun looked up, her eyes dimmed a little, “After I pushed you to find the escape tunnel, I tried to fight them off. It was just too many people, but Minseok me. We ran to the tunnel and found you unconscious near the end.” Hearing that Minseok is fine, you let out another breath. “We all know the rules. Any survivor of the escape gets recruited. Helicopters were waiting and sent us to the hospital.”

She hadn’t mention Baekhyun once. You heartbeat started going wild, and out of instinct, your hand went up to your neck. The necklace is still there. Your worry diminished a little, but the thought of Baekhyun made you restless. Something flashed across Joohyun’s eyes when she saw your sudden movement, but she made no comment. “We are official employees of the mafia now.” Your eyes widened at the name deep inside, you cut off the tiny hope you had of living a normal life.

“Wait, what about Minseok and Baekhyun?” You couldn’t hold the worry in anymore and blurted out. Joohyun’s lips pursed as she avoided your eyes, “Minseok got recruited by another company, we can still keep in touch.” She brushed the topic off as you got more worried. Something must have happened. “Baekhyun? What happened to him? He wouldn’t have--he made it out alive, right?” Joohyun’s eyes held an unreadable expression, you can’t even tell what she’s thinking about anymore. Only that she became more panicked when you mentioned Baekhyun. But she still nodded curtly.

“You need to rest Y/N. Boss gave an order of full recovery before reporting to work. I’ll go get some food for you.” Joohyun stood up and left the room without looking back. You tilted your head out of confusion, it was like she had wanted to get out. You also didn’t miss the expression when she mentioned your boss. It was the same as she had when you said Baekhyun. A sudden thought came to your mind, but you quickly pushed it away. It’s not possible. However, your worry did not go away when Joohyun came back with a whole tray of food. You guys talked more, but she avoided all questions about Baekhyun. 

You put your chopsticks down.

“Joohyun, tell me. What happened to Baekhyun exactly?”

She avoided eye contact. Darting her eyes around as her foot tapped on the ground, Joohyun muttered, “I can’t say. Boss’s order.” You narrowed your eyes, noticing her habit of foot tapping. She only does it when she is extremely nervous. You became surer of your guess, Joohyun is definitely hiding something from you. 

“Something you can’t even tell me?” You asked in a raspier voice, tone laced with hurt. If it is something you learned in The Prison, it’s how to observe people. You were never as good as Joohyun in shooting, and you can’t compare to Minseok and Baekhyun’s combat skills. However, you could survive longer than other people due to your natural ability to observe others. Joohyun finally landed her eyes on you as silence took over. Your heart sank out of disappointment when she looked down and chose to stay silent.

After a deafening while, you spoke up. 

“If you won’t tell me, I’ll go find out on my own.” Your tone is flat, causing Joohyun to flinch slightly. “At least rest now. You need to recover.” Joohyun soon left to escape the increasingly uncomfortable conversation you had. When you heard the door shut, you let out a breath.

Once again, you swung the blanket off of your body and tried to get off the bed. You calmed down a little when your feet had planted on the ground securely. At least you can feel your legs a little now. You walked little by little to the door and opened it. Peeking into the hallway, you were surprised at the emptiness and quietness. Aren’t hospitals supposed to be busy? You glanced at the clock on the wall, especially it’s 10 in the morning. You pushed that thought back. You continued walking down the hallway supported by one hand touching the wall. The satisfaction of being to walk went away instantly when you lost control of your legs again. You closed your eyes and braced for the impact, but the collision never came. Instead, you fell into a warm embrace of someone smelling of slight cologne and something familiar...

“Baekhyun!”

Unexpected Haircut pt. 2.5

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

"Now, try this on," he says and hands me a cream white sweatshirt with a big Lonsdale logo across the chest. I do as he says and replaces the tight T-shirt with the looser sweatshirt. It's barely on before his dick is in me again, slowly massaging my prostrate. The chastity device is back on, and my dick is painfully struggling inside it, leaking precum like crazy. Too bad, since I'm now half-wearing some Puma joggers. He wants to make sure all of the clothes fit before I leave, as he still has all the receipts. And apparently he wants to have sex with me in every single piece of my new wardrobe. "We must test them under realistic conditions," he said which made me blush. And test we did. He put on a cock ring and we've gone from room to room, doing different positions on different furniture, swapping out one piece of clothing at a time. I don't know why I'm surprised by his stamina. He owns several gyms and looks like it.

"I think this is the last one," and hands over a pair of glossy adidas shorts, light blue with dark blue stripes. As I put them on he carefully removes his cock ring. "Let's finish in bed. You ride me as hard as you can, keeping the shorts on as far up as you can." He lies down comfortably on the bed, naked except for a T-shirt, with his arms behind his head. He closes his eyes. I climb into the bed, straddles him, lowers my shorts a bit, and carefully inserts his dick into my now well-loosened hole. His faint smile grows into more of a proper smile. I want him to enjoy this. I don't know if that means I want him to last as long as possible or to squeeze out another load from his as quickly as possible. I start to lift and lower myself on his dick, and find the right angle to rock back and forth that feels the most like what he had been doing for the past however long it's been. Once I find that I try to match the frequency that he seemed to keep for most of the time. I'm hoping he has shown me, inadvertently or on purpose, what is best for him.

I can feel a slight squirm below me, and continue just the same. Then there is a moan, and I know for sure I'm doing things right. He hasn't let anything slip out during the entire evening. I would like to speed up, but know that no matter what I do I will not come again tonight, not while in the cage, so I keep doing the same. It goes on for what probably feels like much longer than it actually is, until I hear the best sound I've ever heard. A deep squeal over and over, as I feel him pumping cum into me. Then we both remain still for a moment, me sitting with his dick up in me. Then he opens his eyes, looks at me, and asks "Do you want to watch me shower?"

He has a rather large bathroom directly adjacent to his bedroom. As I climb off him he tells me to pull up my shorts and "keep it in", meaning his cum. He athletically jumps out of bed. I do as he said and follow him into the bathroom, where he directs me to sit on the floor, looking into the shower. With slow and deliberate motions he steps into the shower and turns on the water. The water makes his white T-shirt cling to his body, and reveals his pecs and abs through the fabric. He isn't posing exactly, but he certainly isn't just taking a shower either. It's like a porn movie playing out right in front of me. I sit cross-legged on the bathroom floor, trying my best to keep his seed in my ass while my dick continues to strain the cage. He is taking off the T-shirt and slowly and deliberately lather himself with soap, taking care to not miss anything. The legs, the ass, almost masturbating when cleaning the foreskin, the front, the armpits. It's the sexiest thing I've ever witnessed. He rinses thoroughly, picks a bottle of shampoo, and thoroughly lathers his hair while the water streams down the rest of his body. His movements are exaggerated, clearly putting on a show for me. Finally he lets the water clear out the foam from his hair. He makes a few flexing poses in the water before turning it off. He then takes just as much care with a large, fluffy bath towel to dry himself.

"The shower is all yours. Try the green bottle. I'll prepare your room." he says and leaves me just as horny as this morning, despite hours of fucking.

I strip, step into the shower and turn on the water. He has one of those really wide showerheads up high, creating something more like rain than a normal shower. The warm water feels fantastic on my sore, exhausted body, and it makes a completely new sensation on my head. I lose track of time as I just stand there soaking while what we just did flashes through my mind. The green bottle, I recall as my gaze is unfocused on the rack of hair and body products. The "refreshing and revitalizing menthol, eucalyptus and tea tree" soap lingers and tickles, like a chemical reaction with the skin, and makes it even more sensitive to the impact of the rainfall. I'm again lost in thought for I don't know how many minutes before I reluctantly turn off the water, dry myself with another towel. With neither Lonsdale shirt, adidas shorts, nor socks obviously ruined, I put them all back on and go look for Chris.

I find him in the guest bedroom. He has just finished collecting all my new clothes from all over the place and put them in a pile on the sofa in the room.  He is back in jeans and shirt. "We have so much to do tomorrow, I think it is best we go to bed now. You look so good in that. You should sleep in it. See if you like it."

After he left I'm considering what he said. On the one hand it felt really wrong to sleep wearing clothes, especially these ones I'd just had sex in. On the other this was his weekend to control, so why not try it? Was it his weekend to control? I decide to try it anyway and exhausted I immediately fall asleep.

His footsteps outside the door wake me up.

"Breakfast's ready in the kitchen. You're ready?" he says and leaves without waiting for an answer? A bit sleep drunk I wonder why he would think I'm ready, until I realize the bedside lamp is still lit and I'm lying on top of the bed wearing socks, shorts, and a sweatshirt. I step out of bed and immediately feel sore in places unfamiliar to me.

In the kitchen Chris is sitting on a barstool by a small kitchen table, already eating from a bowl. He is dressed much more relaxed than yesterday, T-shirt and shorts. He motions for me to take a seat at another barstool with a similar bowl in front of it. As I get closer I see it is full of fruits and stuff, but I can see from his already started bowl that there is yogurt below.

We eat in silence until he finishes his bowl. Then he then lays out his plans for the day. We'll start with some cardio, because he does every day. As he says it I feel the soreness from yesterday a little extra. After cardio he has an outdoor surprise for me, and then back at his place to relax and have a soft evening at home.

"Sounds great," I say without actually having any details on any of the things he talked about. I swallow the last spoonful of yogurt.

"Ok, let's go."

"Like this?" Just as I say it I realize that the shorts and sweatshirt I'm wearing are perfectly fine gym clothes, as are basically everything in my new wardrobe.

"Add shoes perhaps," he says and winks at me, and puts both our bowls and spoons in the dishwasher.

I put on my new Air Max TN and he some adidas running shoes, and we exit the building.

"Ok, keep up with me," he says and dashes off. I do my best to keep up, but cardio isn't my thing. Sure, I spend all my day walking and carrying stuff, so I'm not a couch potato, but it's walking, not running. It only takes a few blocks before my breathing is getting loud. There is a park to our right, and he leads me in there and stops by the first bench.

"Take a seat," he says with an effortless voice. I sit down, and he right next to me. He grabs my arm and puts a finger on my wrist to feel my pulse. He concentrates on his oversized, black wristwatch. "Ok, let's sit here for a few minutes."

I realize I'm checking him out. Again. He looks so relaxed, watching the pedestrians outside the park. He grabs my arm and checks my pulse a second time. "Ok, let's make a slow jog around the park and then back home." We don't share the definition of "slow jog" and I'm tasting blood all the way around the park and back to his place, but at least I'm not worried about killing myself.

When we step in through his front door my legs tremble. I have no idea how we can do anything more today. "Go upstairs and swap into the grey Nike tracksuit," he tells me. I kick off my shoes and wobble up the stairs to do as told. I keep the socks on, but replace the shirt and shorts. I would normally shower, but whatever I sweated during the sprint dried up during the jog.

Back down the stairs I see that Chris has changed into something quite different from what I've seen him in before. He's wearing a black hoodie, black Nike joggers, and the same running shoes. In his hands he is holding one of those radio-controlled anal vibrators, and a tube of lube. "Ready for a different game?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." "Your shoes first."

My shoes are still warm from the run. Then I drop the joggers, bend forward, and I can feel the vibrator slide in easily, right up to my prostate. Once outside again he says "Let's try it" and rubbed my head at the same time as I could feel a quick vibration in my ass. It's sent a shudder of pleasure through my body. Fuck that felt good.

"Ok, I'll explain what we are going to do. I'm going to give you small tasks, and you have to do them without giving away when I zap you. Ok?" "Yep." We exit his place, and only a few buildings down the street he stops and hands me a tenner. "I want to you go into Saeed's over there and act suspicious by the beer fridge. Once I buzz you pick a can of lager, pay, and come out with it." "Suspicious?" "Well, loitering. Shouldn't be hard."

With that, I walk across the street into the small supermarket. I don't really know what acting suspicious would look like, so I walk slowly down the aisles picking up stuff, looking at them, and putting them back as if I'm not really interested in any of them. I also try to keep out of sight from Saeed or whoever is at the checkout counter. It's not that big of a place, so I'm soon a the back by the fridges, and it doesn't take many minutes to look through all the brands of beer and soda in there. Still no signal, so I do the same as I did with the shelves. Open fridges, pick up cans to look at them and then put them back.

"Can I help you?" the cashier asks me from the other end of the aisle. He's in his fifties and looks middle eastern. "No, I'm fine," I answer, and continue to aimlessly eye the cans. "What are you looking for?" He is still keeping his distance. "Just a beer." "Buy one or not, but do it now." I'm not sure what it is I'm hearing in his voice. It's something unsettling and unfamiliar. Is it anxiety? Fear? I don't know what to say or do, so I just continue to stare through the glass door of the fridge. "Leave. I want you to leave," he continues. At that moment I can feel the tingle of the radio-controlled bullet in my ass spreading its vibrations through my body. My locked dick helplessly strains against its confines. I'm a confused mixture of emotions. I'm horny as fuck again, surprisingly, but I'm also feeling bad for having caused Saeed or whoever his distress. "I'll have this one," I say, grabbing a cold Heineken from the fridge in front of me. He doesn't see me, I realize. He sees a skinhead in a grey sweatshirt and joggers trying to nick some beer cans from him. "£1.49," he says, remaining in place, looking at me. I walk up to him and hand him the tenner I had stuffed into my pocket. He grabs it and walks over to the register to bring my change.

"What the fuck was that?" I ask Chris when I'm out of the store. "It was embarrassing. I think I scared him." "We have work to do then. Open the can and have a sip."

Next up is a string of clothing stores, a book store, and some other small shops where Chris has me sip my Heineken until I'm asked to leave. Instead of having the vibrator as any cue, Chris is just buzzing that whenever he feels like. Sometimes it's when I drink from the can, sometimes when someone notices me, sometimes I can't figure out at all why he pressed the button. When we walked through a sports store together he buzzed whenever we looked at clothes he approved of. With the can long since empty and more of a prop he tells me to bin it and we enter the lobby of a small hotel that looks upscale.

"Tell the staff you need to piss and ask where the loo is," Chris directs me. I walk up to the check-in counter and halfway through the sentence I get a shock of vibrations on full blast so my voice shifts noticeably. I must look like a lunatic or drunk. Despite this I'm directed to the bathroom by the stone-faced manager. At the urinal, just as I'm about to bring out my dick I remember I'm locked and decide to use one of the stalls instead, in case someone else enters. But then I realize I can't sit down because I might lose the vibrator. Standing there with the cage in hand I'm afraid I might dribble all over the joggers, and wet stains would show really well on the light grey fabric, so I lower them all the way to my ankles before I start pissing.

"You took your time," Chris remarked as I met him in the lobby on my way out. "Yeah, I'm still getting used to the cage." "Ready for lunch?" I first thought that would be a bit early, and I don't have a watch or my phone with me, so I haven't been checking the time. When I glance at the wall clock in the lobby I see to my surprise it's already well past noon. "Yeah, I'm actually a bit hungry," I realize.

We walk a couple of blocks while Chris explains that he and his father would always have a walk on Saturdays to a chippy near where he grew up, so the first thing he would always do when he moved somewhere was to try out all the local chippy shops to find the one that resembled his memory the best. "So is this one the one you like best?" I ask as he stops us outside an ordinary-looking fish and chips shop. "Nah. This one is good." He orders two fried haddocks with chips and two beers. Then all throughout the meal he pushes the vibrator button every time I attempt to drink. The first time I dribbled some beer on the front of my sweatshirt. The second time I spit out some on my chips, but the rest of them I was ready for.

"I'm a board-licensed massage therapist," he says once we are back at his place. "Would you like a thorough full body massage?" What kind of stupid question is that. Of course I would like one. "It can be quite the experience," he warns and brags at the same time. He tells me to get naked, except for the socks. He brings out a foldable massage table from a closet and sets it up in the middle of the upper living room, and tells me to lie down on it. He studies me for a moment. "I want to use some oils. I want you to glisten like an oiled-up porn star. Can I shave you?" I feel dumb for thinking that he already did shave me, only to too slowly realize he means all the body. "Yes," I answer, still without not entirely having thought it through. But once already answered I couldn't really think of any good reason not to.

"You just relax. Close your eyes if you want," he says and leaves the room. I decide to do as he says and shut my eyes. He comes back a few minutes later and puts down a tray next to me. He grabs my right arm and moves it up over my head. He wipes my armpit with a damp towel and I can feel shaving cream being applied. Is he using a brush? Somehow I don't want to look, content just feeling it. Then I feel the razor gliding across the skin. Then another wipe with the towel. Despite moving slowly and deliberately it's over in a blink, like he has practiced this a lot of times. Then the same on the other side. Move the arm, wipe, brush, shave, wipe.

His hand moves across my front, and I can feel him rubbing the trail below my belly button, but he doesn't wipe or brush or shave. Instead he picks something from the tray and then there is the click of the lock of the dick cage. Again, a few deliberate movements and my dick is free. Wipe. Brush. This time he is taking a lot of care with the razor, whatever type it is. I really don't want to look now, but somehow I feel like if someone were to hold a razor blade against my dick I want it to be Chris. I can feel him expertly moving up and down the shaft, around the groin, and working on the ballsack while stretching it. I'm having a 90-degree hardon all throughout. I'm a bit surprised given yesterday, but then again he has been teasing me all day.

After he wiped all the area he continues to wipe down the right leg, all the way down to the sock that he scrunches down to my ankle. I'm having a flash of indecision. Would I want shaved legs, but then it hits me how silly it would be to draw the line there, and not when he shaved my head or my nuts. He works on the legs with the same slow efficiency as the rest of the body. Wipe, brush, and then with long strokes he shaves the legs.

Once both legs are done he returns to the tray and I feel something poured on my chest and warmth slowly spreading from it. The smell of locker room eucalyptus confirms some sort of athletic cream is in the mix. He quickly works the liquid all over my upper body, across the chest, to the neck, down the arms, and in my armpits. He takes some more and massages it all over my dick and balls. It's not Bengay, but still quite the sensation, as if I hadn't had a lot of them recently. He continues down each leg.

"Let us wait for that to work a bit. Flip over." "What?" I open my eyes and almost feel disoriented looking up at Chris. He's wearing a skin-tight white top that shows off his muscles just as well as naked. I'm already fully erect, but I can see from his smirk that he knows what I'm thinking. Almost reluctantly I flip over and put my face into the hole in the padded table. "Hey, I forgot about this," he says and pulls out the vibrator with a rude slurp sound.

so I saw @drowsymanatee‘s fish timeline and saw a few other people do theirs as well and since I have a similar “started from the bottom” type timeline, here we go

Under a cut because large images lol

Age 5+

My first childhood fish and first real pet was a comet goldfish won at a fair when I was very young. Obviously the care was mostly in the hands of my mom and she did decently well for the fish, I think. At first, he lived in a small one gallon tank with another goldfish and a bunch of guppies (not the fancy kind... just regular guppies). I have a picture of that somewhere but can’t seem to find it currently. But eventually, he got moved into a 55 gallon with various other goldfish and it turned out he was actually a decently fancy veiltail and he turned completely white and lived ~8 years and maxed at ~8 inches long in the body, nearly a foot with his tail included. He should have been in a pond and the tank was way overstocked with fancies and single tails with nowhere near enough filtration.

Age ~12?

I also had a fish that was “mine” for a while who lived in a 10 gallon tank outside my bedroom that I called “Neighbor Fish” that I think was actually a silver dollar. My mom had tried to set up a tropical community with fish her friend didn’t want anymore and Neighbor Fish was an asshole to the other fish (I don’t blame him) so got separated and lived in the 10 gallon until his heater malfunctioned one day and cooked him. No pictures but I technically was in charge of him for a while and would feed him (but didn’t do water changes) Poor dude.

Age 19

In the beginning of my sophomore year at college, my ex and I decided to get two betta fish together. We kept them in one of those terrible 1/2 gallon “tanks”. They were named Michael and Lucifer because we thought we were clever lol

My suitemate who kept a betta in a heated, filtered 5 gallon told me it wouldn’t work longterm and I’d need a heater at least, so I got one of those but didn’t get a bigger tank. Yeah, needless to say, Lucifer passed within a month and Michael looked like this:

He clearly has fin rot in this picture and is underweight, stress stripey and just awful looking but I had no clue. I was distracted by my friends and by my relationship and I did do a 100% water change every week or so, but mostly I didn’t pay attention to Michael at all... eventually, I got him an “upgrade” into a 1 gallon tank with a bubbler from Petco that was on sale... and then second semester sophomore year, my friend went abroad, my ex was busy with rushing a frat and I had more free time... and that’s when the special interest level of fish research began.

First “real” tank, February 2014

I upgraded Michael to a heated, filtered 2.5 gallon after reading a lot on betta forums. I was taking a break from tumblr at the time but I eventually came back on tumblr that summer and discovered fishblr.

Soon, Michael looked like this:

I was really getting fond of him and the difference was incredible. 

Second tank, March 2014

Within a month I got a 5.5 gallon tank and a second betta named Kaiju. It was hideous and had bright blue gravel and didn’t have a lid for a long time.

First divider attempt, 3rd fish

So yeah, like an idiot, I tried to divide the 5.5 gallon tank with a craft mesh divider. Didn’t go so well, both fish were very stressed and I returned my third fish, Kenway, but actually went back and rebought him a few weeks later. 

And promptly panicked thinking my parents would hate me for having three fish tanks (lol in retrospect this is hilarious), so Kenway lived with my boyfriend for the summer and got less than stellar care.

Third tank, 4th fish

So as soon as I got home for the summer, I promptly got a third fish anyway... I had never seen a plakat betta in person before and the majority of fish I’d seen were not that interesting color-wise either and Odysssey was just... a dream. He lived in a 1.5 gallon Tetra cube which I actually really liked the look of... but was far too small.

Also, Kaiju got sand and a lid and his tank looked no longer super awful except it turned out the sand I got was too fine and developed some wicked anaerobic bacteria smell and it was awful. I replaced it with black sand within a few months lol

Age 20, Junior Year 2014-15

So I went back to school with three fish, plus Kenway who I took back not long after coming back. Michael passed in September and not long after, I got my first female betta, Wyn.

These were my tanks at this point:

And Wyn, when I first got her:

Divided 10, January 2015

So I found a $5 ten gallon at Good Will over winter break and divided Wyn and Odyssey (which was dumb) with a DIY mesh divider (which was not safe) and lit it with an under cabinet light ducktaped to the wall (which looked hideous holy shit)

Second divided 10 gallon

Found a $15 10 gallon with an Aquaclear filter (my first HOB) and a hood so I upgraded Kenway and Kaiju to an equally unsafe and ugly divided 10 but at least it was slightly less ugly. 

Then, that summer I took all my fish on an 8 hour road trip to NJ to be babysat by roommate while I was in Europe? I’m not sure why that was necessary but ok

First single betta 10 gallon, July 2015

About a month after returning from Europe, Odyssey unfortunately passed away. I decided to keep Wyn by herself in the 10 gallon because she loved the space so much. And I got an actual light. Wyn had grown into a beautiful lady fish and she was the best and most precious thing in the world to me.

No more divided tanks, Octoberish 2015 idk

Kaiju developed a tumor sometime in the beginning of my senior year of college and as his swimming began to deteriorate, I moved him into his own 10 gallon. Despite his tumor, he actually outlived Wyn, who passed unexpectedly after a year and one month with her.

Kaiju just before I put him to sleep:

And my Wyn’s resting place:

I cried for days after Wyn passed and didn’t really want much to do with the hobby. I still had Kenway but mostly just maintained his tank and didn’t do much with him. He was pretty slowed down by his big fins and was going blind.

Age 21, February 2016

After a few months, I brought home Durriyah, a new lady betta and put her in a HIDEOUS 10 gallon by herself ft. return of the awful blue gravel

Age 22, still 2016

I graduated and came home with two bettas in 10 gallon tanks. Towards the end of the summer, Kenway passed away, and I got Zazzle. And then a month later impulse bought Buzz and set up the third 10 gallon and got a rack. My ability to not make tanks look like garbage had improved significantly.

March 2017, Planted, Community Tank and Exponential Tank Increase Begins

So this is getting long as fuck but ok, in March I got ~employed~ so decided I had money for trying out planted tanks. Bad mistake, 10/10 do not recommend for the sake of your wallet. I also got into a bunch of fish Youtubers and tried out some DIY shit and became way more present in fishblr but also branched out more

I also added a small school of 8 ember tetras in my 10 gallon tank with Zazzle

They did pretty well together!

One month later (after some rearranging and some plant death)

20gal community, May?? Idk what is time

So then the next big fish thing was my decision to upgrade the planted 10 to a 20 and start an actual tropical community.

Planted 20 when first set up:

Most recent picture of the planted 20 ft. dwarf gourami, harlequin rasboras, ember tetras, and horned nerites. I am very proud of this tank today and though I’m currently dealing with some illness and lots of algae, it is eons better than my beginnings.

Some other stuff happened with my tanks within there but all that feels too recent to really talk about. Currently I have six bettas and 8 tanks overall. I continue to learn constantly, especially about plants, filtration, and fish illness. My fish opinions have changed SO MUCH since I was a wee baby betta blog back in 2014 it’s ridiculous... and I thought I knew shit back then and would attempt to give advice like a dumbass. 

Important fish thing to remember: you are ALWAYS LEARNING ALWAYS. There is always something you don’t know or haven’t encountered. Most of the advice you’ve heard/give others will turn out to be bogus. RESEARCH ALWAYS.

 And it’s also ok if your tanks are hideous because pretty tanks can be very very expensive and I feel you, I was cheap as fuck for a long time. Your fish doesn’t care that you have rainbow puke gravel and ugly tattered plants. Your fish just want food and clean water and not much else. 

Take risks, do your research, and branch out. Keep what you love, not what other people love. My favorite tank by far is my snail tank full of pest snails lol My favorite fish is my ugly, plain looking female who hides 99% of the time. I have been keeping fish for over four years and have made MANY mistakes and had a lot of ugly tanks and setbacks and times I almost quit. 

I have spilled a lot of water on stuff I shouldn’t have spilled water on. I have ended up with lots of sand in my bed and on my floor. I have gone through more towels than you can believe and blown a lot A LOT of money on nice pieces of wood and weird sponges and rocks. I can no longer sleep without the sound of a whole bunch of air pumps and filters. I wouldn’t trade any of it, even though I started off a bit rocky and almost quit after losing Wyn and would have way more surfaces and more money if I didn’t have fish. I can’t even imagine it though. My fish got me through a bunch of rough patches in college and tank maintenance has both caused me a lot of stress and eased my anxiety at the same time. 

Whew this is long please do not read this whole thing lawd

Interlude 2.5

“….aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

CRASH!

I landed in a face-down belly flop. It hurt, but somehow I don’t think I was injured. Still took a minute to get up.

“Where…?”

I must have slept through the deadline… I was back in the warehouse, which seemed a lot bigger… because I was still half my human height. I was still a Sandslash.

“Terra?” I called out to the industrial void. “Terra, where are you?!”

“….aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

CRASH!

I didn’t even feel a shake as the Torterra landed right behind me, but I did feel the gust of wind.

“Terra, are you OK?!” I asked, rushing to her side.

“I-I’m fine...” she muttered. “J-Just give me a minute...”

“Alright, but if you need anything, that medbay should- oof!”

Something had fallen and bounced off my head. It was the notebook. It landed open to a page with new text. Grumbling and rumbling my head, I read it.

Alternate forms:

A jumper may switch between any form they took on a jump at will.

A companion that possesses alt-forms may also switch them at will. It does not receive an alt-form unless explicitly imported into the world.

Pets with alt-forms can only be changed by a jumper or companion with line of sight.

Your partner has been given a human alt-form.

You jump on in a week.

Alternate forms…? Was it saying I wasn’t stuck as a Sandslash? Hmm, it said “at will,” so…

A poof of white smoke that dissipated a moment later, and I was me again, as human as I was ten years ago in that damn cylinder.

“Whoa, Robert! How’d you do that?” Terra asked. Good, I could still understand Pokémon as a human.

“Apparently now I can switch between being human and Pokémon,” I said. I tested a few more times, poofing between back and forth between them. The smoke was tan when I turned into a Sandslash, but otherwise it was effortless. “The notebook says that you can turn into a human now too. You just have to will it so.”

“Me, a human?” Terra said. “I’ve never considered that before...”

“C’mon, it’s harmless,” I said, ending my flipping on human. “Besides, hugs are a lot easier when we’re both bipedal.”

Maybe that was enough, but there was a huge cloud of white smoke before my eyes, and what came out was… amazing.

She was not a small woman, easily having at least three-quarters of a foot on six-foot me, with earthy brown skin, and short dark brown hair with the tips died green. Her shoulders were wide, and her arms and legs had the toning you’d expected of someone that explored and fought the wild nearly every day for ten years. I assumed her torso was equally defined, as she was wearing a green T-shirt and knee-length tan dress, along with a gray sturdy jacket that I would later see had a tree logo on the back. Her green Aura ribbon, which she almost never took off, hung loosely around her neck.

“Holy shit, you’re beautiful,” I spurted out.

“You think so, Robert?” It was a little surprising exactly the same voice of Mother Earth came out, but I guess it probably shouldn’t have been. She tried out her limbs out a little. “I’m surprisingly comfortable like this. I think I can try out that hug now.” And then she hugged me; her grip was a bit tight, but my human body was pretty tough so it could take it.

I hugged her back. I love this woman so much.

“Master?”

We broke the hug and turned to see running towards us…

“Bolt! Cody! Anita!” I cried out. I crouched a big to hug Bolt as they came up. “I missed you guys!”

“Missed? We saw you just yesterday,” Bolt replied. “Or… I think it was yesterday, I had a bit of a heavy nap...”

“Oh, Bolt, we’ve got a lot to catch you up on.”

To say they were shocked when I turned into a Sandslash and showed that the human woman with me was Terra would be an understatement. Though they were delighted to learn that I could talk to them. It was weird the personalities you could learn when you understood their speech. Bolt was a bit of a goofball, Cody was a worrywort, and Anita was… well, she was still a little aloof even back then, but it was even clearer now when she spent more time perched on the high shelves than coming down and talking to everyone else.

The three Poké Balls we used turned out to be in a new bin labeled “2”. It also had the Treasure Bag, Wonder Map, and the 25 Reviver Seeds we had brought and everything else the Bag contained, along with the stuff we left behind in the warehouse before leaving. On the shelf next to it where seven uniquely-decorated instrument cases, each with a particular elemental motif to them; I checked later and they indeed contained the seven Treasures (which were not the Seven Treasures, funnily enough) we had managed to save. We brought out Shadow, Bitbit, and Maria, and released Manaphy from the stasis pod.

The entire day was spent telling tales and showing the Treasures to the others, as well as getting everyone used to both of my and Terra’s forms. Bolt was a bit disappointed he couldn’t become a human too. At some point, I put the Treasures and their new cases in the secure location I had set up before.

The next six days, though, were quite busy.

First order of business: food. The warehouse’s regenerating supply could barely keep up with just five of us. Now there were nine. Manaphy still got by on Blue Gummis, of which we packed plenty and he had discipline enough not to gorge, though we’d have to start weaning him off those at some point before the supply inevitably ran out. Bitbit also seemed to do just find snacking on electricity. Thankfully for the other six Pokémon, Oran Berries last Pokémon most of the day when they’re not used for emergency healing, especially since these were PMD-brand Oran Berries that could heal ten times as much as in the original Pokémon setting. And of course, Apples were fine belly-stuffers. We disassembled a bit of the spare shelving to make a frame to hold a small garden, watered with the warehouse’s plumbing and lit with the sunlamp and some fiddling with the “selective region” functions of the heat/AC unit. As for the dirt, Earth Power to the rescue! Fun fact: we could still use our Pokémon moves as humans, though the power is far weaker doing so. Anyways, when Terra managed to make the ground of the warehouse erupt, we got soil out of it, and her presence – when she’s a Pokémon at least – seems to make it fertile enough for plants. Granted, most of my gardening knowledge is from Minecraft, but I took some of the berries and sowed them. They seem to be sprouting quickly, and will hopefully produce a crop before the end of the week. The apples are staying in the refrigerator until we have space enough for an apple tree.

...It’s only just now that I remembered that later Pokémon games had the berry-growing mechanic, which I usually ignored because there were better hold items than berries most of the time.

Getting Terra’s human education up to date was going to be uphill and definitely take longer than the week I had. First was learning to read English. Thankfully, the house’s DVD collection included lots of Sesame Street season boxsets and other PBS shows. God, I forgot how much I missed Between the Lions. Zaboomafoo also gave everyone a basic rundown of Earth animals, which were bound to be more likely going forward. Bitbit learned the fastest when he managed to get into my laptop and could just transfer the videos directly into his memory, though it was limited by the time it took to swap the discs out.

We ran a test with the Terran Cymbals. They don’t affect me or Terra while we’re human. It kind of sucks that of the seven Treasures we got, the only ones we got affect Terra, Manaphy, Maria, and Anita – and I can’t even play the lattermost one yet.

There was also some new installment. Attached to the wall next to the pole and plates was a roster board with two columns of eight slots each, with a small light next to each one. On the top was the word “TEAM ROSTER” flanked by two images of the orange almost-asterisk on my warehouse keychain. The left column was full of names, while the right was completely empty. Reading it over, it listed the names of my team members. I think I can guess what would happen if it was full.

Though this week, I established goals for the future:

Get a proper garden set up in here, with a good variety of crops. As a side goal of this, learn how to garden.

Learn how to play the violin. The other instruments too, that couldn’t hurt, but mostly the violin.

Finish Terra’s human education.

Get some way to connect to time that I could bring here so I could Dimensional Scream as I pleased.

Get strong enough to punch the asshole voice’s theoretically-existing face to pieces.

I mean, with the ability to use Pokémon moves as a human – even though you’ll never catch me using my bare hands to Dig – not to mention shifting between a pretty dang fit human and a monster, I basically had superpowers. And if the voice was going to keep giving me powers, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll find a way to use them to kick his ass. Though the fact he keeps picking them for me means he definitely has the house advantage.

But he has to drop his guard eventually.

“….aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

CRASH!

I landed in a face-down belly flop. It hurt, but somehow I don’t think I was injured. Still took a minute to get up.

“Where…?”

The cylinder again… Was the week already over…?

But wait… something felt different. I shifted to my Sandslash form. Being a burrowing species, we were more sensitive to vibrations as a form of sensory input. There was a sense of momentum here that was likely here all along but I never noticed it before.

“...This chamber is… going up…” I realized. “Like an elevator...”

“Ah, you finally noticed.”

I was on guard immediately. “You…!” I shouted, brandishing my claws.

“Look at you all posturing. It’s adorable, really. You did a decent job entertaining me last time. I mean, whoda thought you would spur the interconnected continents? And the whole bit with the improv garden right now was inspired.”

He didn’t even sound remotely threatened. Of course not. I wasn’t strong enough yet. So I lowered my arms and turned back to a human. “Fine, whatever. Look, I have some questions.”

“I guess you’ve earned them. Ask and I’ll see what I can answer.”

“First off, I assume you put that pole thing in my warehouse.”

“That is correct. A little something off the record. I thought your companions that didn’t have your built-in counter would appreciate a visual representation of the time left.”

“I see… Second, does that roster board imply what I think it does?”

“If you mean you can only have sixteen companions, yes. Pets, however, are unlimited. And before you ask, pets must be non-sentient unless stated otherwise.”

“Ah… Third, if this is an elevator, where is it going?”

“Up.”

“...Care to be more specific?”

“Up, through the layers of the multiverse. Remember that pole? It’s more accurate a model than you might think.”

“...So, you dumping me in other worlds is… throwing me out of a moving elevator car.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I have to stop it to make choices.”

“Yeah, great job on those so far,” I snarked.

“Thank you,” it replied earnestly. “It wasn’t easy. You have that Persim Band because of the serious lack of 50-point items to compensate.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” I said, wanting to speak about any topic but this. “So why was the 52-mark on the scale next to it so large? What’s so important about the fifty-second world?”

“The fifty-third is what’s important, actually. You’ll know if you get there. Speaking of, enough questions. It’s time for new choices.”

“Now wait a moment!” I protested. “You said last time that I get to pick the worlds from here on out!”

“That I did,” said the voice. “So here’s your choice. I’m going to present icons for three places this elevator can reach in the next like five minutes. Pick the one you’ll spend the next ten years in.”

“And you’ll build my persona in that world like you did the others, I imagine?”

“Now you’re catching on. Here’s the icons.”

The three panels that circled the elevator walls spun around and lined themselves up in a vertical row in front of me. They glowed a moment and when it faded each one was showing a black and white image.

“...”

“Well?”

“These are Rorschach inkblot tests.”

“Imitations using the style, actually. With the icons as the base.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Duly noted. Now choose. The multiverse is a little twisted and ones we don’t stop at may eventually pass by again, so don’t worry about missing out.”

Grumbling, I looked over my options carefully…

The top one looked vaguely like an angry circle.

The middle one reminded me of two-headed monsters.

The bottom one just made me think of constant numbers.

I pondered my choice for a few minutes before pointing at the middle one. A few more years among monsters couldn’t hurt that much. “There. That one.”

The other panels blanked out and drifted away.

“World selected,” said the voice. “Now making choices.”

I covered my eyes until the reflections on the floor stopped. I noticed the elevator slowed down and stopped once the lights dimmed. I looked up at the light pattern, quickly memorizing it too. Who knows what advantages I’d need against Willy Wonka and his Great Electromagical Lift?

“Your selections have been made. Have a good decade!”

I just sighed as the bottom fell open and I dropped into the void.

A long, long time ago, before marriage and kids, I was quite the little belly dancer. I was 23, I worked part time, and lived with my parents. I had nothing but time to devote to learning belly dance. I danced and practiced FOUR HOURS and day. Four hours! Now I can't even bring myself to do drills for 10 minutes without freaking out that I'm not going to have enough time to finish dinner before the husband gets home from work. I kind of stumbled into learning belly dance. I wasn't really familiar with it, nor did I know there were lessons for such a thing. I knew Shakira was supposed to be a belly dancer but I never really looked into what that was. One day I bought  an East Coast Tribal instructional DVD on a whim, tried it out and I was hooked. I had to know more about this "belly dance".  I bought a 3-disc box set for beginners starring Neena and Veena and became obsessed. Learning to make my body do things I had no idea it could possibly do made me feel like a freaking goddess and watching the progress of my strength and endurance build day by day was incredibly fulfilling. I gained confidence and sculpted my body into something I had always wanted!  23 year old me after a 40-lbs weight loss thanks to diet and belly dance! One day my boyfriend (now husband) and I came across a man playing a sitar outside a coffee shop and a wonderful friendship was created. He introduced us to drumming the djembe and doumbek and a belly dancer was born! We held small drum sessions every Sunday and I danced and taught other people how to dance if they wanted to learn. It was so much fun! I still belly dance but I switched my focus to learning Russian Gypsy skirt dancing for the sake of more "authentic" renaissance faire entertainment. (I used to play Daniella Noir the Gypsy Queen at the Texarkana Renaissance Faire by the way). In my 8 years of belly dancing I've learned that the point of belly dance isn't to learn how to make your belly roll or how to shake it like Shakira, or even to look good in a two-piece sequined costume. Your goal should be to have fun gaining confidence, building strength, endurance, and mad body control. Hey look it's me as Daniella Noir the Gypsy Queen at the Texarkana Renaissance Faire. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ BEFORE YOU GET STARTED: ► I am not a professional belly dancer. I've been a belly dance enthusiast for over 8 years and I love performing and spreading the joy of dancing. All opinions expressed are my own.  ► Belly dance is for everyone. Get the idea out of your head that belly dance is only for beautiful, long haired women with perfect figures and impossibly flat tummies. I feel that prior dance experience of any kind helps, but still anyone can learn (and perform) belly dance. Men, women, full-figured, thin, young, old, black, white, brown, and everything in between!  ► There are many different forms of belly dance but the most common forms is Raqs Sharqi, but it's usually just called 'Egyptian Style' or 'Oriental'. There's also Turkish and American Cabaret. Often times these styles get mushed into one style of dance that many just simply refer to as "classic belly dance". Unless you're a belly dance expert, you probably won't even be able to tell the difference between any of these styles so don't stress too much about that right now. Dancer wearing a Belly Stocking™ under her costume.Click photo for original source. There's also Egyptian Baladi which is often performed in a long form fitting dress with a cane. As it's a very folky and traditional dance it is performed by many male dancers too! American Tribal Style ®  (ATS®) is sweeping the nations and it's little cousin, Tribal Fusion is the latest form of dance. I feel it is very important to learn the fundamentals of belly dance by starting off with classic belly dance. After you're comfortable with your basics, then you can explore the other forms and have a blast doing it. ► You don't have to bear your tummy to dance. You can wear whatever you want and be as modest as you need to be - even if you decide to go pro and perform! ►  Many professional belly dancers are going to tell you that you need to take actual classes from a pro in order to learn it right, but what they fail to realize is: #1 Not everyone is striving to be a professional belly dancer. Some folks just want to do it for fitness and fun! #2 Not everyone has access to belly dance lessons. #3 There are dozens of belly dance instructional DVDs out there created by amazing teachers who specialize in teaching via television screen. Just like how you can teach yourself how to play the piano, knitting, or cooking, you CAN learn how belly dance at home! __________________________________________________________ Me, six months pregnant with #2 at Amanda's (above) American Tribal Style ® Workshop. OK, LET'S DANCE: ► Where to find free or cheap home lessons: Many professional belly dancers have YouTube videos that show you specific moves but some are nice enough to upload entire beginners lessons! Check out one of my favorite free online instructors HERE. Bid for super cheap DVDs on Ebay and find very affordable belly dance instructional DVDs on Amazon. Heads up: you're not going to learn everything you need to know from just one DVD. There's SO much more to belly dance than just shimmying and hip drops. I recommend  DVD series or box sets that will offer hours of instructions. When shopping for an instructional DVD make sure to buy one that is for total beginners and features a warmup and a segment on proper posture. ► Get a mirror: You'll need to be able to see yourself to see if your motions are on point and to make sure your posture is always in check. Since you probably don't have a giant dance mirror already set up in your home (lucky you if you do!) get a full length mirror and set it up beside your TV or computer or whatever you'll be using to view your lessons. You can find full length mirrors at most dollar stores for under $10. ► Attire: You don't have to wear fancy dancewear to practice. I usually wear a tank top and leggings or fitted "yoga pants". It's very important that you don't wear baggy clothes or long skirts because you'll need to be able to see the motions of your chest, hips, legs and feet in your mirror. And I know you're ready for this one! Coin scarves! Everyone loves those things! Jingly coin scarves are in no way mandatory for learning belly dance but they are wonderful for hearing and seeing the effort of your motions. Coin scarves come in many different colors and the cheapest usually come in one size often fitting up to 40"to 45" hips. You can buy coin scarves for as low as $3 on eBay! They come right from China so it might take a couple weeks for them to arrive. There are also quiet hip scarves (or belts) made with large sequins or fringe. Guys might like fringe belts a little better. Plus size hip scarves are also available to buy! A piano shawl or any fringed triangle scarf is wonderful to wear around the hips as well. No special shoes are needed, in fact you'll find most belly dancers dance completely barefoot. amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "false"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "bohomom-20"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "manual"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = ""; amzn_assoc_asins = "B01HPZ0ERG,B003QYHZFU,B00IJ5TT28,B00AZIDQX0"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "1af7a67073cf3bbd30f0259bf460c450"; ► Continuing Practice: When you're ready to get serious about getting your moves down, you'll need to do drills regularly to build up the muscles required to perfect the motions. Since DVDs can only show you so much in an hour and thirty minutes, you'll need to practice moves, combos and steps over and over on your own. Get yourself a CD that features great classic belly dance music and practice at your own pace. Also, on the days you're feeling lazy, just listening to the music will make you want to get up and move! When the basic lessons no longer challenge you, it's time to move up to intermediate level lessons. You can find many great intermediate lessons on YouTube and DVD as well. ► Adding Props: Once you've got your basic stances, movements, travelling steps and many combos down, you should try your hand at learning how to use common props like a veil or zills (finger cymbals). These can be found at affordable prices on eBay and Amazon. Make sure to check measurements before buying your props online! I bought a veil from eBay once based on the photo and when it came in ir qA  20" x 6". That's about long enough to wear as a hair accessory. Your veil should be a rectangle of no less than 3 yards of light material and beginner zills should be about 2.5" in diameter. Jamil, male belly dancer performing with veil and cane. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ THE DOS AND DON'TS OF LEARNING BELLY DANCE AT HOME DO practice at least twice a week. DO NOT expect to become a belly dance prodigy overnight. DO expose your belly if you want (no matter what it looks like)! DO buy a costume if you want. It will make you feel a look amazing! (Guys too!) DO NOT compare yourself to other dancers. DO NOT jump into practice without proper warm ups. DO carefully read the descriptions and reviews of any DVDs, props and costuming before you buy. DO watch belly dance performances by professional belly dancers from all styles so you can see how it's done. There are thousands of videos on YouTube and tons of performances available on DVD. DO NOT give up on an instructional DVD because it's too hard. Keep doing it until you get it. That's how you learn! DO NOT declare yourself a pro belly dancer after going through one lesson. DO consult a professional belly dancer if you feel you're ready to go pro. They can point you in the right direction of how to get started. Gorgeous SIXTY year old belly dancer, Dee Orr from Shreveport, LA at the  2016 Texarkana Renaissance Faire. Scott Johnson Photography. ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ MY TINY LIST OF RESOURCES The History of Belly Dance Plus Sized Belly Dancers Belly Dance at Any Size - blog DIY Belly Dance Everything The Official Page for American Tribal Belly Dance About Male Belly Dancers Why You Should Belly Dance During Pregnancy - by me! Talk With Other Belly Dancers Belly Dance U - blog Pin to share please :) ▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲ amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "true"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "bohomom-20"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "manual"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = "My Amazon Picks"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "e3b35a275e470d201c81f2338997dc3a"; amzn_assoc_asins = "B00095VJUQ,B001W2HZ0S,B001TK80FC,B00007JZVB,B00EZ6FXHU,B000621452,B00097DNXK,B0015FJYV0";

http://www.quirkybohemianmama.com/2017/01/how-to-learn-belly-dance-at-home-on.html

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 2.5 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -3%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 5.4% gain, after the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement. I plan to update this performance daily due to the volatility.

I’m disappointed with my public investment performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post early retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomenon is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 40 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward for 2019

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens. Just know that creating next level wealth is all about owning growth equity over the long term.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything else comes in a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay-at-home-parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Financial-Samurai-2018-year-in-review.m4a

The post Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year appeared first on Financial Samurai.

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year published first on https://worldwideinvestforum.tumblr.com/

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 3 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -2%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 5.4% gain, after the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement.

I’m disappointed with my public investment performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post earl retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomena is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 40 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward for 2019

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens. Just know that creating next level wealth is all about owning growth equity over the long term.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything comes a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay-at-home-parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Financial-Samurai-2018-year-in-review.m4a

The post Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Finance https://www.financialsamurai.com/financial-samurai-2018-year-in-review/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 3 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -1.5%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 0.6% gain, excluding the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement.

House Sale Fund Portfolio went from +13% to just +0.6%

I’m disappointed with my public investment portfolio performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post earl retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomena is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 50 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything comes a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay at home parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/Financial-Samurai-2018-year-in-review.m4a

The post Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Money https://www.financialsamurai.com/financial-samurai-2018-year-in-review/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

Road trip: a microcosm of travelling. A Reflection upon holidaying

So. So. Wait third time lucky, so I am now rewriting this piece almost two years later t than I originally intended. What? Yeah that’s right. When I was contributing to christyful’s blog when we were in Vietnam about 20 months ago my final piece, a magnificent creation if I say so myself, was supposed to be on the highs and lows of travelling (or holidaying if you’re me, a less glamorous term but one that I feel is more accurate to the experiences had when abroad). I wrote it upon the rooftop of the flip flop hostel in Hanoi in Vietnam, a cool hostel that was a mini party hostel, lots of fun. But yeah I woke up one day and decided I have the time and motivation to write this masterpiece that encapsulates the beauty of holidaying, and, in my eyes, outline just why it can be so addictive. It is not all about the immense sights, the once in a lifetime moments always. I’m going to put my slightly controversial opinion forward, this will not be solely about my time in Australia I’m going to pick through my various holidays to really try to emphasise my point. It is my opinion that it is the rollercoaster nature of holidaying that makes it something so addictive and fun and that forces you to grow as a person. It is the lows that make the highs just so high, every feeling you have is doubled in magnitude, meaning that the best moments are incomparable to your best moments at home and the worst can feel even worse than anything you’ve felt when being at home.

Disclaimer: this post will be nothing like the previous one, it will be longer and more in depth but I can’t vouch for the end result, but I reckon it’ll be better.

Disclaimer 2.0: sorry family if you haven’t heard any of these stories before, I didn’t want to worry you.

So, the lows, the downs, the parts of a holiday you regret and may wish didn’t happen, these I believe are completely imperative to your experience and to making you grateful, even thankful for the time you’ve had. You may think in your life. Actually no. You think in your life (or at least I do a lot) what do I regret doing/not doing, it’s only human to think like this however negative it may feel because you think how can I improve. We were even sat round the fire the other night and someone asked “what would you have done differently in your time in Australia or barossa?”. I do this more than most, call it my perfectionist tendencies (or attempted perfectionist at least) or just my self critical nature but I think it is necessary to think back over the good and the bad (mainly the bad) to self improve and to truly appreciate the greater and more impressive moments of your life, and more accurately for this piece, your holiday.

So I got rethinking about this idea when I was reminiscing about the road trip and how not every single moment was perfect and nice, of course it wasn’t WE WERE CAMPING. But still I will look back upon it and remember the good times and the amount we saw and the amount of fun we had. For this reason I see he road trip as a microcosm of holidaying in general. We will always look back upon these times with rose tinted lenses remembering the best and most emotive times, when really there is just as much time spent being unhappy or down (please don’t read this thinking I’m depressed or doing my own weird twist on 13 reasons why by the way. Also what a series, we’re rewatching season one and I’m addicted, bring on season two, but that’s hardly the point of this rant). What I mean by this is that, like on a 2.5 week road trip where you’re camping in free camp sites eating pasta pesto or noodles every day, not everything you do is a amazing and memorable and if you think of the trip as a percentage you’ll find a large portion, probably the majority we were tired, hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, annoyed at each other or just quiet. This is only natural though when you’re spending so much time together in the desert driving for so long. But when you are in this state you appreciate the immense natural formations and experiences even more. For example when we got to the Mataranka hot springs after five or six hours driving the car was dead as I was writing, Chloe was plucking her legs, and Matt was looking at WikiCamps (I know what a cool group of people) but as soon as we got there the stupor was broken and energy weighed through us as we all got ready, chatting, laughing and joking. We then proceeded to having a sick time. The point I am trying to get at here is that you can’t have the best time 24/7 and sometimes it takes some worse times to make you fully appreciate the good. I know, knowledge bomb. I’m now gonna take a little trip down memory lane in these next paragraphs.

Now picture this there’s an 18 year old kid, he’s on his first big trip away from home alone. He’s been gone now for four months and has had a bangin time. Done new things, met new people and he’s done it all alone. Big learning curve. There were a lot of ups and downs on my gap year: getting wrong buses, getting too drunk, being threatened by a druggy local to name just a few of the downs, while I don’t believe I need to really explain the better parts, to read of these go look at my other blog that I had when I was on the gap year. All of these memorable moments and incredible places and sights that I had never seen and certainly won’t see for another long time, especially with my already long and always growing list of future holidays, were captured on my nice little digital camera, actually I think it may have been dads (sorry dad). I had never had the chance to back them up with no access to a proper computer. Guess where this story is going, yes I was on a bus and fell asleep with my bag at my feet and when I woke up a few hours later, the camera was gone. Great. A couple of thousand photos maybe, gone. But this made me realise, what are photos really? Do I really need them? Should I really mourn their loss? No. A great lesson was learnt that day, photos are nice, good memories but in the end as long as you remember where you’ve been, don’t cry about losing them. It also meant the next few months were better as I took the bare minimum photos possible and had an infinitely better time of it. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of my lost camera I rose and soared away to better times, that metaphors sounded better in my head.

We move on. Now I’ll take a look at my 20 year old self in Honduras, a dangerous country where I was making the journey from the border to the city with the highest percentage of murders per capita. Ok. Should be fine. The day was long I’d started in Guatemala and was embarking upon a 7 part journey or so including 2 boats, 3 buses and a taxi, ah no it was a six part journey, got it. I had done the hardest part of this colossus of a voyage and was at the border, it was about 3pm, not too bad I think. I stride across the border looking for my bus I’d just jumped off to get my passport stamped and couldn’t see it. Where could they be? I doubled back and chatted to the conductor in my suspect Spanish. What I gauged wasn’t great, the bus terminated there, eek. But he said it was fine there was a bus to San Pedro just over the border. I headed his words and wandered aimlessly with great trepidation scared for my safety. I got to the buses. There were a few, bangin. I asked each where the were going. No. No. No. then I found my bus, my vessel to safety. When do you leave mate? The response, 2-3 hours. Hmm bit long was that would get me into the murder capital at around 8pm. No thanks. I was stuck. Wondering what to do. I had no choice. So I got talking to some old Honduran men, it turned out they were going to San Pedro with a pickup truck. I jumped at this. Can I come with you in the back? They said yes but they had some places to go first. I didn’t care I jumped in the back with a load of bananas and a Honduran man and we were off. Still scared but at least heading towards my goal, I chilled briefly. They stopped a number of times at tiny villages and I asked why, naturally. It transpired they were bible salesmen, yes please. Men of god. The weirdest, luckiest and probably most memorable experiences of my life. It came from one of the scariest moments of my life. And the sense of relief just compounded the memorability and joy of that trip.

Sorry for the ridiculous length of this piece, I’m getting quite into reminiscing. The last segment of this essay, Vietnam. Mine and Christians little adventure. Anyone who has met me since this trip two years ago will undoubtably know which experience I will describe now. Many of you will have seen the video. Or maybe have seen my dramatic demise in sport (read sport as quidditch and squash). Yes I am talking about the great motorbike crash of 2016. It was massive. I won’t describe the actual ordeal or else we will be hear for hours more than we will be already. Setting the scene though, we were on the Ho Chi Minh highway. 70km from the nearest town and 100 from the nearest hospital. I crashed... straight over the metal barrier. Bike screwed and knee, also screwed. I know poor vocabulary choice but I feel it’s an accurate word for both. We had a task ahead of us, made no easier by the ten Vietnamese who had crowed around me and were offering no help. My first moment of clarity was when I yelled to Christian to get the keys our of my bike, even though there was no way it was driving. With no real medical supplies we did our best, Christian (genius) cut two socks open and slid them over my knee like and tubey grip and gave me 8 painkillers (still not enough). My job, stand up and start to try and put any kind of weight on it. His next task sort out the bike, the battery had fallen out. Apart from that there was no major damage but half the bike looked like it was falling off. We had to drive the 70km with the day fading, as we’d had to wait for me to recover, while I could not use my right leg (and consequentially, the back brake). Christian gave me a kickstart as I could not and I drove off, one leg hanging out and he followed me. When stopping he had to catch me as I rolled in slowly and help me off (my hero). We were 10km away and the rain started, oh I forgot to mention my lights didn’t work. But though all this we made it. We got codine and I lay in bed. To date the proudest achievement of my life, and at the time ones of Christians too. To make it to the hostel under those circumstances was something else I won’t forget.

Sorry for rambling like mad, I’ve enjoyed writing this a lot. I went quite off point but this is a blog and I’m not being marked so I don’t really care. Basically holidaying is full of ups and downs and without the downs you not appreciate those ups.

I hope hope you’ve Enjoyed this little reflection.

G out

Xo

Unlucky one

Reflection