SORRY I AM DYING TO PROPERLY RESPOND but I just remembered this post from Nakai's blog while thinking about your post a couple days ago... Do you think. Whether it'd be with Ichiban or Arakawa. Do You Think Something Like This Happened One Time

MAYBE AT LEAST ONCE.....

Double Yikes! Part 2 (Ben Hardy x Reader)

Summary: Continuation of Double Yikes! Part 1

Warnings: Uhhhh.... Well I don't want to give anything away so...Read at your own risk

Continuation of Yikes! and Double Yikes! Part 1

A/N: Ok I know it's been a LONG time coming but I believe you will all think it was well worth the wait. Now I recommend you reread the whole Yikes! series before you read this one BUT it's not necessary. I've included a bit of where we last left off so you're all not completely lost. Thank you so much for those of you how stuck by and waited this thing out. I debated on telling you all this BUT I do have an idea for anther part... Reader goes to "help" Ben babysit. I haven't started it and I have no idea if I ever will but the idea is there and I promise if I do decide to do it I will write the entire thing first before posting so no one has to wait. Ok no more rambling lets get to it! Don't forget to tell me what you think and Italics is reader thinking to herself in her head!! Enjoy!!

TagList: @borhapqueen92 @radiob-l-a-hblah @gwendolyns-stacy @coincidence-ithinknots-blog @mythicmazzellos @hardforbenhardy @onceuponadetectivedemigod @im-an-adult-ish @theprettyandthereckless @mamaskillerqueen @cupboardzllo @goliveeasy17posts @okilover02 @gwilymleeisbae @youngpastafanmug

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"Thank you Ben, I had a really great time." He took a small step forward and placed one hand on your hip, your heart sped up. His hand felt heavy and the heat coming from him being so close spread through your entire body.

"So did I. Thank you for agreeing to go out with me tonight. I never do this kind of thing but I couldn't leave your office without a definite way to see you again." He laughed a little to ease his nerves, his head leaning slightly closer to you.

Oh god ok, breath

"Well I'm very glad you did." You said, much softer than you intended. Ben had his bottom lip trapped between his teeth as his eyes traveled over your face, landing on your lips. He was close and you could feel his breath across your face again, like at the restaurant. His heavy hand still firm on your hip, his thumb now rubbing along soothingly.

Please kiss me

He brought his other hand up to the side of your face, letting the tips of his fingers run over your cheekbone.

Pleeeease kiss me

You took a chance and placed your hand at the nape of his neck, letting your fingers intertwine in his hair. He smiled and licked his lips.

PAH-LEEAS KISS ME DAMN IT!

"Y/N, can I kiss you?" He whispered.

FUCKIN FINALLY!

Too afraid you'd actually say what you were thinking, you nodded. He smiled and leaned in slowly to close the space between you. You instantly felt an electric shock travel through you causing you to move closer towards him and tug on his hair. He moaned into the kiss and slid his hand from your hip to your back, pulling you flush against him.

You sighed at the feeling of him being pressed against you and your lips parted. Ben wasted no time and slid his tongue along yours. You moaned and let your unoccupied hand glide up his torso, feeling his tight muscles under his shirt to rest on his chest. Ben's hand that was near your face moved to join his other on your back.

Your entire body was on fire, your head spinning, either from the intensity of the kiss or the lack of oxygen, you weren't sure. Just when you were about to pull back to see if he wanted to move things inside, he slid one of his hands down to rest on the curve of your ass.

You whined and pushed back into his hand. He moaned and gripped your ass roughly, causing you to involuntarily snap your hips forward into his. He moaned again and finally pulled away. Ben was panting heavily, his lips were swollen and red, his cheeks flushed and warm. You were sure you looked the same.

Alright, say something cool and invite him inside

You opened your mouth to speak but he beat you to it.

"I can't do this." Your heart dropped and you could feel the color drain from your face.

But...but things were going so well. What happened? How did i fuck this up?

You could feel tears start to prick behind your eyes.

Do NOT cry in front of him!

“Right, ok.” You nodded sadly and stepped back, away from him. His hands fell from you and you reached for your keys.

"Wait Y/N, that came out wrong." He grabbed your hand and tried to get you to look at him. You shook your head, putting your keys in the lock and unlocking the door.

"No Ben, it's fine. You don't want to. I get it. No big deal." You managed to get out, finally looking up at him and gave him a tight lipped smile.

"But that’s just it, I do want to! Believe me, I do! God I've only been thinking about it since the moment i fuckin saw you." He laughed at himself and you felt a little better.

"Of course I want to. I mean it's obvious I want to." He gestured vaguely to his crotch where there was a definite bulge. You let your eyes glance down quickly.

God if he's that big after just a kiss I could only imagine...no no, time to focus stop it!

"But I'm supposed to be the perfect gentleman tonight, that’s what I meant, and that is definitely not the gentlemanly thing to do on the first date, as much as I'd love to." He paused.

"Maybe on the second date." He chuckled.

"You want a second date?" You asked, hopeful.

"Of course I do. I had an amazing time. You're smart, well spoken, gorgeous and funny as hell. And that kiss! I absolutely need more of that in my life." You laughed and he took a tentative step towards you. When you didn’t step away he wrapped his arms around you and you rested your head against his chest. His heart was pounding.

"Forgive me?"

You smiled up at him and nodded. He leaned down and kissed you again. It was softer this time, slower. He pulled away gently and rested his forehead against yours, his eyes still closed.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" He whispered.

"Definitely."

Alright if this isn't happening tonight i need to go inside before i start begging

You pecked his soft lips one last time and backed away from him. He took your hand in his before you were completely out of reach.

"Now I need to try to get to my car without any of your neighbors seeing me and think I'm some perv walking around your building with a damn hard on." You barked out a laugh and covered your face with your hand. When your eyes met his again that same look from the car and the restaurant was back. The butterflies also made a comeback.

We were just making out! What's with the butterflies! He is going to be the death of me, I swear.

"Goodnight beautiful, I’ll talk to you tomorrow." He said, kissed your hand.

“Goodnight Ben.” You said and he turned to leave. You entered your apartment and leaned against the door. You let out a frustrated groan.

UGGH. Damn you and your grogeous fuckin face and your perfect gentleman shit, your perfect lips and hands.

You were beyond sexualy fusterated and kicked your shoes off, tossed your purse on the table and went to the kitchen. You looked out the window over the sink just in time to see Ben get to his car. You watched him get in but he didn’t pull away.

I wish he would just come back up here and…

You ran to your purse and grabbed your cell, pressing Ben’s number. You had an idea. It rang twice before he answered.

“Miss me already love?” He joked down the line. His voice sounded so much deeper over the phone and you clenched your legs together. You walked back into the kitchen to watch out the window. He was still there.

“Something like that.” You laughed. “About that second date you mentioned.

“Absolutely, anytime.” You smirked.

“How about in about 10 minuntes?” He laughed

Oh that laugh

"10 minutes huh? Yeah, I think i'm free. What did you have in mind?" You started to make a pot of coffee and cleaned the small pile of dishes in the sink.

"I was thinking coffee maybe? I know this great little spot, super cheap but very good and it's incredibly close by." His deep chuckle made your heart jump and a wide grin spread across your face.

"Perfect. I'm on my way back up." You watched his car door open.

"Wait, give me 10 minutes to change."

"Change? I thought we were just having coffee at your place."

"No, we are. I just want to change." You finished the dishes and went to your room to pick up the clothes on the floor and somewhat make your bed.

"No way." He laughed.

"What?" You asked confused and threw the towels from your shower earlier in the hamper.

I should stop being such a slob

"That's not fair, I can't change."

"But this dress is killing me." You took a look around the room and figured it was good enough.

"Then why did you wear it tonight?"

"Cause I look hot in it!" You explained with a laugh and went back to the kitchen to look for something to have with your coffee. He hummed down the line and it made your toes curl causing you to stumble a little.

Christ, get it together

"Yeah you do."

Mmm he better get up here quick

"You have nothing in the car?" You asked, trying not to focus on the effect his voice alone had on you. You could hear rustling as he looked.

"I have gym clothes from earlier today. Would you like me to put those on?"

Oooh Ben in gym clothes...Ben at the gym, hot, sweaty, panting...tempting

"Depends? How bad do they smell?" You joked.

"Y/N!"

"Fine fine, I won't change. I guess 'Cafe Y/N' is open for business then."

"I'll be right up." He laughed.

I love how easy it is with him

You hung up and finished getting the coffee ready and set it, along with everything else on the small table in the kitchen and put some music on softly in the background. The knock at the door came and your entire body went cold.

Oh fuck why am I so nervous all of a sudden. Get your shit together. Let’s go!

You walked to the door and your heart began to race. If you didn’t know the cause then you’d be worried you were about to have a heart attack. A few more deep breaths, a quick adjustment to your dress and a hair check before you opened the door with fake confidence.

What the shit!

He left his jacket in the car and had untucked his shirt and unbuttoned it completely so the black tank top that was covering his chest could be seen. It also looked like he ran his hands through his hair, breaking it of its hold from whatever product he had used. Or maybe that was from you during the kiss earlier. Either way he looked incredible.

Fuckin hell

“I thought we weren’t changing.” You commented as cool as possible. He laughed and ran a hand through his already tousled hair. Your knees gave out slightly and you gripped the door tighter.

“I didn't change. I altered.” He smirked.

Wow second date Ben is a little cocky...I like

“Cheater, I can’t alter mine.” You joked and moved to the side letting him in. He kissed your cheek as he passed and walked inside.

“I can think of a few ways.” He muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” You asked, smiling to yourself and led him to the kitchen.

“Oh nothing.” His cheeks were pink, his lip bit between his teeth. You took a seat at the table and Ben took the seat closest to you, then moved it even closer, the sides of your thighs touching.

“So welcome to cafe Y/N.” You gestured to the table. “Where the coffee is decent and the cookies are probably stale and expired because I don’t remember buying them.” You laughed with a shrug. Time with Ben seemed to fly by. Before you knew it an hour had gone by. Your nerves had settled enough for you two to just sit, talk and joke freely while you sipped your coffee. Neither of you had dared to touch the cookies.

Ben was telling you about an audition he had coming up when the song changed over. ‘Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Roberta Flack started to play and your over anxious mind started to wander and you completely zoned out.

Things are so easy with him. It's never been like this with anyone before. I don’t want to be another notch. What if I never hear from him again after tonight?

“Y/N, you alright love?” Ben asked, pulling you out of your thoughts, his voice laced with concern.

Oh shit how long have I not been paying attention

“Huh? Oh yeah, I’m fine.” You shook your head to get rid of your self destructive thoughts.

No, things are different with Ben. This won't be the last time we see each other, I can feel it.

“You sure?” He asked, one hand on the back on your chair and the other now rubbing soothingly on your thigh. You smiled and placed your hand on top of his, giving it a squeeze.

“Yeah, I’m good. I promise. I think my hair is too tight.” You said and raised your arms to let it out of the bun. You pulled the hair tie and ran your fingers through your hair. You groaned as the tension in your head broke, relief washed over you. Because you put it up earlier when it was wet, it had dried in nice, flowing waves. You ran your hand though it a few more times before letting it settle over your shoulder. When your eyes landed on Ben again he was staring at you. A look of awe on his face. Now it was your turn to ask.

"You ok?" You asked with an amused smile.

"My god you are truly breathtaking." He breathed. It felt like the wind was knocked from you, hard to breath. Like when you were a kid roller skating and you fell on your bottom, your breath ripped from your lungs.

Well that’s different

You ducked your head, letting your hair fall over your face to hide your now red cheeks. Ben’s hand that was on the back of your chair moved to push your hair from your face and stayed on the slope of your neck.

“You don’t need to hide from me.” He said softly. The air in your small kitchen felt thick and heavy. The pull towards him that you were feeling all night was stronger now than ever. You heard the song switch over, ‘Movement by Hozier’. It only added to the charge in the room.

Perfect

His hand on your thigh moved just enough so the very tips of his fingers slid the tiniest bit under the hem of your dress. The heat from his hand spread though your entire body making you yearn for more of his touch. You pressed into his hand on your neck and he leaned forward. Your hand found its way to the back of his neck again, tangling in his hair and pulling him closer, pressing your foreheads together. His hand moved from your neck to your hair, mirroring you. His other hand moved again, now the entire length of his fingers under your dress. Your eyes slipped shut and you took a shaky breath, you moved to let your lips touch his just the slightest bit, barely touching.

“I don’t want you to think I do this all the time.” He whispered against your lips.

“I don’t.” You whispered back. He pressed the smallest kiss to your lips before returning to just resting there.

“There’s something different about you.” He confessed.

Are you a mind reader

“It’s just...it’s easy with you.”

Definitely a mind reader

“You feel it too right? Please don’t say it’s just me?” Even with your eyes closed you could tell he had a worried expression on his beautiful face. He knew just what to say to make any worries you had vanish in seconds.

“No, It’s not. I feel it too.” You felt his lips stretch into a smile before he finally pressed them to yours in a proper kiss. It was nothing like the kiss at your door, that was soft and gentle. Now it was hot, needy and a little rough. Knowing you both were on the same page had changed things, you didn't need to be so cautious and nervous anymore.

Both of your hands were in his hair, scratching his scalp and tugging at it gently only to be rewarded with the most amazing moans and groans from him. His hand moved from your hair down to your back pulling you closer to him, you would be flush against him if it wasn't for the angle you were sitting. His other hand moved to the inside of your thigh, gripping the soft flesh in his rough hand.

Come on just a bit higher

You're not sure how much time had passed but by the time he pulled away and moved to your neck, you were a panting mess. Your head was spinning as Ben nipped and kissed your neck, your breathing so uneven you could barely get any words together.

“Ben” You panted, he hummed against your skin in response but refused to detach himself. You moaned at the vibrations and you thought about how wonderful that would feel someplace else. Your hand tightened in his hair and he groaned, biting on your skin harder than before and tightening his grip on your thigh.

“Fuck, Ben.” He smirked against you and moved to your collarbone where he pressed soft kisses. The change helped to slow your breathing and stop your head from spinning so much. You tried to get his attention again.

“Ben” You managed to get out a whisper.

“What is it love?” He pulled back and looked into your eyes. They were just as stunning as the first time you saw them earlier that day. Same unplaceable green shade, only now much darker, filled with lust and desire. His face flushed and hair was a mess.

Fuck he is beautiful

“Bedroom?” You asked, hopeful. He smiled sweetly before pressing a kiss to your lips. He stood and held his hand out for you to take.

“Lead the way.” You stood on shaky legs and took his hand. You stumbled on the way to your room. Ben pressed himself fully against your back, his excitement for what was happening very evident. With his hands gripping your waist and his lips attached to your neck, you tried not to run into the door frame on your way into the room.

Once in your room Ben kicked his shoes off while continuing his endless stream of kisses and bites on your neck. He brushed your hair to one side and laid it over your shoulder, revealing your entire upper back to him. His hands gently touched and caressed the exposed skin everywhere he could. His lips flowing close behind, leaving soft kisses every place his hands touched.

Your skin was on fire, the wetness between your legs building with every press of his lips, a few more minutes and you'd feel it drip down your legs for sure. Ben moved his hands to the zipper on your dress and kissed his way to your ear.

"This okay?" He breathed and tugged on the zipper gently. You nodded, needing to feel his hands on your skin again. He slowly unzipped your dress, crouching to let his lips follow all the way to the end, at your lower back. When he stood again he brought his hands to your shoulders, gently pushing the straps down. You raised your arms, letting the dress drop to the floor and pool at your feet.

Your heart was racing as you stood there almost naked. Your nerves were skyrocketing. You closed your eyes and tried to steady your breathing. You felt Ben move from behind you to stand in front of you. His hand cupping the side of your face and his thumb running along your bottom lip.

"You alright my darling?" He asked gently. You took another deep breath and nodded, opening your eyes again.

"Nervous." You explained with a slight laugh. He chuckled and stepped in close.

"Don't be." He said. With his bottom lip between his teeth and his eyes even darker than before, he let his eyes glace down to your body, drinking you in before meeting your gaze again.

"You're perfect."

Fuckin wet! My god I could probably cum from his voice alone.

He ran his hands over your now exposed sides and down to your waist, pulling you flush against him. You slid your hands under his opened button down and pushed it off his shoulders, letting it drop to the floor with your dress.

Oh pin me to the wall with those arms!

You shift your hands down to his waist, letting them skim over his muscled arms on the way. You pulled the tank up over his toned stomach and chest, he raised his arms to let you remove it and it joined the pile on the floor. Your nails scratch gently down his chest, to his waist where you made quick work of removing his belt and pants. You rubbed over his bulge and he moaned, grabbing your face and pressing a searing kiss to your lips.

You continued to rub over him, feeling him grow harder as his tongue slid against yours. His hands moved from your face to your hair, he gripped a hand full and tugged gently. You hummed and squeezed him in your hand, he moaned and let one hand drop to your wrist, stopping you.

"Bed, now." He demanded, his eyes almost black, lips red and puffy and his breathing, much like yours was erratic.

Oh fuck, yes sir!

You jumped up on the bed, head propped up by the pillows. You let your eyes drift over his body as he stood by the side of the bed. He really was a sight. Every muscle sculpted to perfection, clear soft skin, you could go on for hours really. He looked at you with that small smirk of his that you were beginning to realise only came out when he was feeling a little brash.

“What’s that look for?”

“Just…” You let your eyes slowly rake over him again while you rubbed at your thighs. You licked your lips, making a show of it, before capturing the bottom one between your teeth.

“Admiring.” You finished in a sensual tone. He brushed a hand over his chest and stomach almost self-conscious or embarrassed before he joined you on the bed and crawled up your body until he reached your lips where he kissed you again. You let yourself melt into it, into him. Completely lost in the feel of his hands on your neck and face, the slick glide of his lips on yours. You didn't notice him maneuver himself so his leg was between yours until his knee was pressed hard against your center. You moaned loudly and grounded down against him. He moved his lips to your ear.

"That's it love, I wanna hear everything you've got." He whispered and moved his lips down, kissing over your collarbone to the tops of your breasts. His hands moved to your back, unclipped your bra and removed it completely. You sighed in relief, immediately followed by a moan as Ben took a nipple between his teeth. You arched into him suddenly desperate for more. Your hands flew to his hair as he started to suck.

“Oh fuck!” The feel of his tongue combined with the sensation of his sucking was driving you wild. You could feel your wetness start to soak through your underwear. He let his teeth scarpe over the sensitive bud before replacing his mouth with his hand and switching to the other. Your hands moved from his hair to his back where you ran your nails up and down. He dropped from his knees and rutted his hips against yours. His moan vibrated through your breast and over your entire body causing you to moan in turn. The pressure in your lower abdomen was growing at an alarming rate. The slick feeling between your legs almost like a slip and slide.

Christ am I about to cum from this alone!?

"Ben please….oh god...fuck Ben, stop stop! Please." He immediately stopped and looked up at you, worry etched in his features. You were sweaty and panting wildly, eyes screwed shut.

"Oh my god are you alright?"

Unable to form any words you nodded yes.

"Bad?" He asked fearfully.

"NO!" You shot up, eyes opened wide and almost headbutting him in the process.

Smooth

"Good! Very good, almost too good. “ You laid your head back down and closed your eyes again, trying to regain your breathing.

“I just...oh fuck, I just need a second. Holy fuck that has never happened to me before. This was all about to be over very quickly." You rambled. He threw his head back and laughed.

What I would give to make him laugh every day

"Oh, I like you." He sighed and moved his hand to gently caress over the side of your face. You cracked one eye open to look at him skeptically. A grin stretched across his face.

“What?” he chuckled. You closed your eyes again and made a face.

“I like you too.” You let out a squeak as he captured your lips with his once more. This kiss much like the one at the door, slow and sweet. You moaned, your hands sliding up and down his back encouragingly. He deepened the kiss, brushing his tongue against yours with such passion it caused you to buck your hips just slightly into his.

I never want this to end

Ben pulled away placing sweet pecks to your lips before pushing himself up to his knees again.

“Shall we pick up where we left off?” You chuckled and nodded.

“Let's just stay clear of this area for right now.” You said gesturing to your chest. He hummed and brought a hand to the side of your breast and massaged it gently. A shiver ran through your body and you clenched your legs together.

“Fine, but next time I’m going to worship your gorgeous body and I’m spending extra time up here.”

Next time? Does he really mean that or is he just saying it?

“Next time?”

“Next time.” He promised leaning down to kiss you once more before trailing down to your neck. You brought your hands up to tangle in his hair as he bit at a sensitive spot.

"Oh fuck." You sighed. He hummed in response and ran his tongue over the bite.

“I can’t wait to taste you.” He muttered into your skin, breathing in and taking in your scent. You shuddered at his words and whimpered when you raised your hips and was met with nothing as he hovered above you. He brought his lips up to your ear and took your lower lobe between his teeth. With one hand holding himself up he brought the other to the side of your neck. The heavy weight on your throat made your heart beat faster and your center throb. You covered his hand with yours and pressed, he got the hint instantly and tightened his grip. You moaned, bucking your hips again.

"Are you wet for me love?" He whispered, running his tongue along the shell of your ear. Unable to think clear enough to form words you nodded and whined.

"Use your words Y/N." His grip on your throat loosened and you took a deep breath before answering.

"Yes! So wet Ben, all for you." Your voice was hoarse. He smirked against your skin.

"That's my good girl." Your hand tightened in his hair at the praise. It was then you realized that you both still had your underwear on. That one final barrier keeping you from what you wanted.

"Ben... p-please." You pleaded. Desperate to get some friction, you rubbed your thighs together. Deciding to take some pity on you, he removed his hand from your throat and ran it down your body. Goosebumps followed in his wake, erupting over your skin. His hand slid between your legs and you gasped when it settled over your mound and the coolness of his fingertips touched the spot where you ached for him most.

You groaned and started to grind against his hand. His middle finger slipped under the cloth barrier and ever so slightly through your folds, gathering some of the wetness.

"Ben come on." You bucked your hips to meet his hand as he pulled it away.

"All in good time love" He said with a grin and brought his finger up to his lips. You watched with wide eyes as he pushed his finger into his mouth. His eyes slid shut and he moaned around his finger. You had enough of his teasing and decided to move things along a little faster. You sat up as best you could and flipped you both over. You settled on top, your legs straddling his waist.

“Damn” He sighed and looked up at you in awe. You smirked and began to grind against him. You could feel his hardness growing more under you. His hands gripped your waist and pulled you closer as his hips met yours. The friction of your underwear rubbing against you was just what you needed. Before you got too close you stopped to shimmy his boxers down his muscular thighs, groaning at the site of his large cock, red at the tip and leaking. You licked your lips unconsciously and took him in your hand, he gasped and pushed himself up on his elbows to kiss you again. Groaning as you pumped him, he moaned loudly when he looked down and saw your hand wrapped around him.

The pink color high on his cheeks and the darker red spreading from his neck down his chest spurred you on. Feeling neglected you brought one hand to the front of your underwear and began slowly rubbing your clit in a circular motion. Ben’s eyes moved from your hand on him to your hand on yourself. He licked his lips and groaned at the sight. He took hold of both your wrists, stopping your motions and quickly flipped you both back to your original position. His beautiful jade eyes, impossibly dark and his tongue darts out to lick his lips, like he’s about to eat a delicious treat. He leaned down placing his lips briefly on yours before making his way south, showering your stomach with warm and wet opened mouth kisses. Your heart beating fast as he brushes his nose over your underwear, right above your mound. Your breath hitched as he places a long and chaste kiss upon it.

“Ben” You warned, having had enough of his torment. He chucked and pressed another kiss to your clothed core.

“Alright love, no more teasing.” He hooked his fingers under the elastic of your underwear, dragging them down your legs quickly and tossing them over his shoulder. He pulled your legs apart to make room for himself before he laid down on his stomach and pulled you closer to him.

“Goddamm,” he breathed, softly moving his finger up and down your folds, “You really are wet for me aren't you, beautiful? Fuck” he curses under his breath. You moved your hands to his hair and gave it a hard tug. His eyes slid shut and he let out the most pornographic growl yet and rutted his hips against the bed. You loosened your grip and just rested your hands on his head. His eyes slowly opened and traveled up your body to meet yours. You raised a questioning eyebrow, his face was red and flushed.

“So I have a thing about hair pulling.” He confessed with a shy smile.

“I see that.” Your hands raked gently through his hair. He closed his eyes and hummed at the sensation. Without warning he threw your legs onto his shoulders and lowered his head. Your breath hitched before he’d even done anything making him chuckle between your thighs, his cool breath hitting your wetness. You gasped as his tongue pressed against your clit, swirling circles on the sensitive bud. His strong hand firmly on your hips, keeping you in place.

“Hummm,” the vibration makes your whole body tremble before Ben tilts his head to nibble softly at your inner tigh, “You taste fucking amazing,” he adds before diving back in. Relishing in the feeling of your hands in his hair, he moaned against you.

“Plea- Oh, fuck.” Your voice dies in a gasp and your back arches as he delves his tongue in, caressing your most sensitive parts and it feels soft and wet and silky. It tingles and you struggle to breathe as he meticulously swirls his tongue all over. You had never been so sensitive before, so responsive.

He definitely knows what he’s doing

You notice he ruts against the mattress every so often to get some relief for himself. You smirk and give his hair a light tug. He responds with a moan and a quick rut against the bed, as if it was a reflex. You wait a few seconds and try again, same response. You went back to gently raking your fingers through his hair while his tongue worked you over. Soon you feel the familiar knot in your stomach before he pulls back a little and presses his thumb against your clit. You gasp as the change in pressure and it's good but you miss the warmth of his tongue.

"Ben" you breathe, trying to tell him but the words die out. He's there with you and seems to know exactly what you need and he swirls his tongue around your clit and you’re there shockingly fast. You’re almost there… your head sinks into the mattress and you dig your fingers into his hair, your ribs moving fast unashamedly grinding on his face at the rhythm of your breathing and you’re fucking there-

"Ben, close, I'm- I'm close." He pulled away ever so slightly, talking against you.

"Go on love, i'm not stopping at just one" His skilled tongue goes back to working wonders, sending shocks of pleasure to your core, his face deep in you, moving up and down, side to side. You can’t take your eyes off of him as he grabs hold of your thighs, pulling you even closer and you grind your hips against his face, trying so desperately to rush your release, already excited at the promise of more. Your whole body reacts to the sensations, and you’re loud as you moan and gasp and he keeps your hips steady in his hold. He groans against your wetness as he wraps his lips around your clit and begins to suck. Your legs start to shake as a wave of pleasure overtakes your senses and renders you breathless. He continues to gently lick you through your orgasm, finally pulling away when your body goes slack.

“Fuck.” You breathed out. Ben propped himself back up on his elbows so he could see you properly. A satisfied smirk on his now glistening face.

“You ok love?” He asked and even though your eyes were shut you could tell he was smiling.

I can barely think let alone answer you right now

“Y/N?” He urged when you didn't answer.

Ughh, I’ve just been pleasured to the brink of comatose, just give me a second

You just barely lifted your hand to wave him off. He chucked. His fingers began to explore. Traveling up your inner thigh gently. His soft touch slowly brings you back down from your high. They reached your folds, the tip of his index finger ran gently up and down your wet opening. Your breathing began to pick up again and you left out a soft moan.

“Alright darling, i’ll make this one quick.” He sits up on his shins and slides two of his thick fingers into you and begins to thrust at a quick but gentle rhythm. In a matter of seconds you were back to a panting mess, clenching tight around his fingers. The sound of his digits inside you filled the room, making you moan louder than before. Ben curls his fingers, as if looking for something.

“Oh, shit,” you curse between harsh breaths when he finds the spot he’s been looking for. You’re a withering heep in no time, nothing but moans and mumbles of Ben over and over again.

“Go on, nice and loud for me good girl.” The praise drives you to let out the loudest moan yet followed by a yell of his name. His fingers rubbed mercilessly against that spot deep inside you, never letting up. The endless waves of pleasure washed over you bringing you close to tears. You were so close, only needing a little more.

“More.” You managed to get out, Ben knew exactly what you needed and brought his thumb to your clit, working on the sensitive nub with the sole mission to make you come. Your core tightens and tightens and you’re a wreck. You arch your back and his fingers continue to stroke and rub until you start to spasm into climax for the second time that night. He carefully removes his fingers as you settle back on the bed. Ben makes his way up the bed via a trail of soft kisses wherever he could reach, and settles down next to you. His lips find their way to your neck and up to your ear where he whispers.

“I have something to confess...about this morning.”

This morning?

“Huh?” You asked in a slight daze.

“At the office.” You could feel his smile against you.

Oh thats right you big dumb slut, you met this man TODAY! UGGHH It’s fine, IT’S FINE, it’s fine.

“Yeah” He propped himself up on one shoulder so he could look at you. You turned your head to look at him. His face was pink and still a bit glisteny from before. His hair, a mess with a single curl hanging over his forehead. His jade green eyes, a few shades darker but bright and shining. His smile, soft, almost shy.

Fuck me up, he is so beautiful

“I umm...i heard you.” His eyes met yours. It took you a minute to realize what he was talking about.

NO! Ok ok ok, it’s fine really. Ok. See what he actually heard.

“Umm, what uh. What are you talking about?” You tried to play it cool but there was no way he didn’t pick up on the panic in your voice and on your face. He laughed, his smile bright and shining.

“Yikes.” He answered.

Ok well that’s not that bad.

The moment flashed in your head.

**“Morgan, who am i talking to today?” You asked looking down at the papers in her hand.

“Uhh…” She flipped through the papers trying to find you an answer. She stopped on one page and read over it quickly before flipping to another until she found it.

“Wow okay, it’s..” She was cut off by the door opening and your boss walked it with the man you were about to interview.

“Oh Y/N perfect, this is Ben Hardy.” He said with a smile and you looked up from the papers to lock eyes with the beautiful blonde actor.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He said with a smile and stepped forward with his hand out to shake. His voice had a deep and creamy tone, it wrapped around you like a warm blanket, working its way under your skin where it wreaked havoc on your insides and stole your breath.

“Yikes.” You breathed you out just barely above a whisper. Morgan, standing that close, definitely heard you and her head snapped over to look at you stunned. You were never at a loss, this was really something. Your head was going a million miles a minute.**

“Also wet.” You grounded and he laughed again pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

**“Ready?” You asked Ben with a smile.

“Ready.” He answered and slid his phone back into his pocket. You watched as his eyes moved from the floor, over your body slowly and finally meeting your gaze where he licked his lips and pulled the bottom one between his teeth to bite on before letting it go and a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth.

“Wet”

“What?”

“What!”

“I thought you said something.” He said a hint of blush covering his cheeks.**

Your hands were now covering your red face. Ben's fingers moved to run through your hair, doing his best to reassure you.

“Don’t be embarrassed, sweets. I only had to go to the toilet because I was half hard. Honestly I was on my way to a full blown boner, I had to leave for a minute.” That made you feel a little better and you lowered your hands enough so you could just peek at him over the tips of your fingers.

“But then… I heard you and Morgan when I came back.”

“BENJAMIN!” You yelled and rolled over to hide your face in his chest. His laugh rang out in the room and he wrapped his arms around you.

**“Uggh stop please. I have never been so embarrassed. He’s so sweet and funny, and the way he talks. Not just the accent but the words he uses and how he carries himself. I just melt at the fuckin thought of him.”

“I wouldn’t be too embarrassed, he’s clearly into you as well.” She said and patted your knee.

“Yeah well if he is, he is doing a much better job of being subtle. I couldn't even tell you what some of his answers were. All I can think about when he talks is how amazing it would be to have him whisper into my neck all the dirty things he wants to do to me while his big strong hands run all over me.”

Morgan opened her mouth to say something but the sound of the door closing caught both of you off guard and you looked to see Ben standing by the now closed door.

“Everything alright ladies?” He asked with a smile and your entire body felt like it was on fire. You were sure your face was beat red.**

“Ok no more embarrassing Y/N! Bang time!” You pulled out of his arms and pushed him on his back.

“Bang time?” He laughed again. “We were just having a cute moment.”

“Yes, well cute moment over. Deal with it.” You said throwing a leg over him to straddle his waist. You leaned down, bringing your lips to his and chuckled through the kiss. His hand tangled in your hair while the other slid down to your hip and squeezed, encouraging you to move over him. You rocked your hips against him and in no time he was matching your rhythm. Your kisses grew messy to the point where you were just panting against each other's mouths. You stopped your hips and gave him a proper kiss before you sat up and began to grind against him again.

“Oh fuck.” You moaned at the new position. His hard cock was lined up with you perfectly, everything slick and hot. Ben's strong hands moved to run up and down your thighs, gripping them tightly along the way.

“My god you are so fuckin’ beautiful.” He moaned. You looked down and saw his bright red face, neck and chest. His hair, a sweaty disheveled mess. You smiled and winked at him.

“Uggh Y/N please! You’re killin me.” He begged with a wide smile. You knew exactly what he wanted. You laughed, slowed your hips and gestured to the bedside table.

“Top drawer blondie”

“Yes!” He cheered and reached back to dig in your drawer.

I love that I can laugh with you

With a triumphant smile on his face he handed you the foil packet and you placed it on him. You leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips before you sat back and lowered yourself onto him. As he slid inside you slowly, you felt every inch of him until he was completely inside you.

“Fuckin hell.” He shuddered out, his hand laid gently on your hips, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles. You hummed and slowly began to rock back and forth. Once you adjusted to him, he grabbed your hips and started moving you on top of him. You placed your hands on his chest to keep yourself balanced as he gathered speed and power. Soon you were bouncing with the force of his thrusts. Your thighs were burning from trying to stay up.

“Ben.” You gasped.

“Tired?” He asked. Of course he knew, you nodded. He slowed his thrusts and pulled you down so you were flushed against him. He wrapped his strong arms around you and without separating flipped you over. Your legs almost shook with relief.

“You need a minute?” He asked, still holding you close. You took a couple deep breaths before answering.

“Hell no” He laughed and pressed a kiss to your lips.

“That’s my girl.” He winked and with a groan, he sat up and pulled your tired legs up and over his shoulders pushing himself inside deeper. The new angle had his tip pressed up against that perfect spot. It took you by surprise causing your eyes to fly open and your wall clench around him. He let out a low, long grown and hung his head.

“This is going to be over very quickly.” He confessed.

“Then make it rough.” He raised his eyebrows in surprise. It surprised you too but you didn’t regret it.

“Yeah?” He asked, wanting to make sure that’s what you really wanted.

“Give me what you got, lover boy.” He laughed and shook his head.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” He placed a soft kiss to the inside of your knee before he started his thrusts again. He built up a good rhythm and then with all his strength pounded into you.

“Fuck yeah” You moaned and had to place your hands agint the headboard to keep from banging your head on it with how hard he was going. His strong hands gripped tight on your hips, holding you as close as possible. You were certain you would have bruises in the morning.

You could feel your core tightening again, signaling you were close to finishing.

“Ben...close” You managed to get out between breaths.

“I’m right there with you love.” He said not letting up on his thrusts. Feeling the coil tighten in your stomach, the sweat beading on your forehead, the air in the room thick and hot, making it hard to breath, you finally released with a shout of his name. Ben soon finished after you continued riding out your high. He gently pulled out and lowered your legs. He cleaned himself and you up with his discarded tank top before laying down next to you to catch his breath. After a few minutes of the two of you just laying their regrouping he spoke quietly while looking up to the ceiling.

“I uhh… also heard you and Morgan before I came into your office.”

** You went back to your office where Morgan was waiting for you.

“Oh my god pleeease tell me something happened after I left.” She begged the second you walked in the door. You laughed and shook your head.

“Seriously!” She groaned.

“I mean, I thought maybe he was going to say something but Max came in and took him to his office."

"Ugh that sucks. I thought for sure he was gonna ask you out or at least throw you up against the wall and make sweet, passionate love to you."

"Morgan!"

"What!?" She laughed and you cracked a smile. You really would be lost without her.

"Knock knock." Both you and Morgan jumped, her knocking the phone off your desk in the process, and turned to your open door to see Ben.**

“MORTIFIED!” You yelled with a laugh and rolled over to kiss him.

im WEAK for my faves as parents and i know lots of y'all are too so here are

bachelors as dads vibes

(bachelorettes as moms will come soon too ❤️ under cut cause it got very long lol)

sebastian

a chill dad. when u were very little he'd let u sit in his lap while he codes and consequently u find heavy metal soothing cause he would be playing it while he works and u would always fall asleep against him

if he wasn't using his second computer u could play around on it while he works. 'existing in each other's company while u both do stuff' time becomes a regular thing even as u get older, u would do ur homework next to him at his desk and he'd help if u were confused

the first time u were deemed old enough to go for a ride on his motorcycle u were SO fucking hyped even if u had to be absolutely decked out in protective gear. sometimes while u were in high school he'd help you flex by picking you up/dropping you off on the bike

would bundle u up in his hoodies as a toddler and there's a few pics of u absolutely SWIMMING in them with the hood all the way over ur face pretending to be the grim reaper. he'd never been so proud

elliott

an eloquent dad, but still has goofy dadlike tendencies. he may be the picture of a dark academia dilf with his slacks and button ups sipping coffee in the morning over a manuscript, but he'll still make the jokes. calls u things like little one and taught u to play piano

he got u ur own little bookshelf for all ur baby books and he'd read to you every single night without fail. he'd make up stories too and u would help and make a collab tho it often got u more excited than relaxed for bed but it was worth it!!! when u were grown up u helped him compile the short stories u made up together and published it. he'd also share with u poems he wrote for you and about you over the years, lots of them to do with the wonder of watching a whole tiny person grow into a big person

would always take u on nature walks and play at the beach!!! u would find shells and rocks to give to him and he'd always look like u just handed him pure gold

u made a pact that u would sit still for him while he did ur hair if u could braid his hair in turn. u both looked very stylish

sam

cool dad!!! fun dad!!!! watches anime with u when u get into it and is forever ur player 2. if u had a skateboard or a scooter he'd always show u up by pulling off sick tricks and it became a friendly rivalry. taught u to stick it to the man at a very early age. teaches u to play guitar and took u to ur first rock concert when u were like 8

there are baby photos of u wearing sunglasses that cover half ur face and when asked about it he'd say 'u were just a rly cool baby!!!!' in some of them he's wearing matching sunglasses and carrying u in one of those front baby pouches. he'd also always sing to you as a baby and still does it idly sometimes and has written songs for u!!!!

ur #1 hypeman. praises u for everything and always makes sure u know how cool u are just for existing. he loses his mind at ur grade school talent show and at ur graduation he's there holding up his phone and crying like FUCK IT UP KENNETH!!!!! 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

tho alongside all the fun he teaches u to be very responsible and polite and above all extremely kind!!!!

shane

has the most potent typical dad energy. the socks with sandals, the jokes, the ac/dc, the funny hobby projects, the rivalry with other pta parents, all of it. calls u squirt and kiddo and the kind to ruffle ur hair. always gives u piggy back rides even as u get older, says it helps him stay in shape. when u were little you'd always bap ur baby hands against his stubble cause heehee funny scratchy face

u loved when he was in charge of dinner growing up cause it was often takeout pizza/burgers. 'hey im making a pot of kraft dinner should i double it for u' kind of guy, adds cut up hot dogs and after ur other parent voices a need for nutrition adds frozen veggies too. VERY good at cooking all kinds of eggs tho, would always feed u eggs from his own chickens and would accept nothing less!!!

teaches u a lot about chickens and some of ur fave memories with him are in the coop or chillin in a field in spring with him and the new chicks. some other faves include the regular tea parties with him and cousin jas, and even as u both get older u all sit down and have tea together sometimes and occasionally break out one of the old barbie movies for funsies

u learned how to say fuck from him when u were 3 and he died laughing. if called and told that u got into a fight at school would reply with 'did they win'

harvey

sweet, dorky doctor dad. would get SUPER worried whenever u got so much as a cold, made u stay home and rest and HYDRATE. taught u proper medical standard handwashing from when u first learned how to turn on the tap, also taught u a lot of basic first aid. when u were fussy he would read u his old textbooks from med school and it'd get you to sleep in minutes

refuses to let u leave the house without eating something first and would often get up early to make u a big breakfast before school (it's the most important meal of the day!!!!). yes it's ok if ur late ur english teacher can wait until you've had ur veggies. when u were a baby his standard of keeping u fed was 'if i had to change less than five diapers a day it wasn't enough'. encourages taking a snack and water everywhere

as u got older u realized how hardworking he is so u make sure he knows how much u love and appreciate him, goes all out for his bday and father's day like how he goes all out for u every day and it makes him cry. he cries at ur first birthday and ur graduation too, cried when u got him a #1 DAD mug specifically for his morning coffee, he just cries a lot and it's very endearing, dad taught u it's okay to be emotional. u also gift him funky socks to wear at work and he goes bananas for them

he taught u how to assemble model planes and u would sit with him while he tuned his old radio, u liked the bwee bwee sounds. he would play jazz and swing and dance with u standing on his feet. when u were little u liked to play with his moustache and occasionally he would fall asleep while watching u but the most u ever did was add a goatee to the stache with washable marker which he thought was pretty funny

alex

strong dad!!! jock dad!!!!! would flex and let u hang off his bicep, play wrestle (u would always win), sit u on his shoulders and run around making airplane noises, play sportsball in the yard and would come up with fun challenges for u if u got bored of catch. pretty much the master of keeping ur baby self entertained and was always there to tuck u in for a nap when u got tired out

makes an extra protein shake for u every morning and loads of scrambled eggs, will also sneak u a cookie tho

he's always super encouraging and positive and enthusiastic about everything u do which u pick up fast. u go to his games and even if sports turns out not to be ur thing the fact that ur there rooting for him makes him put in 1000% effort, calls u his good luck charm!!!! he will also throw u over his shoulders and use u for weightlifting while u shout encouragement directly into his ear. this continues until ur grown up (and sometimes even then so he can flex even as an 'old man')

gets really really worried about you whenever ur sick or get hurt and will lose sleep over it but stays upbeat for ur sake. he will cuddle u tho. sometimes you'll ask for stories about ur grandma and he'll tell u and it's so nice to him to talk about his mother and smile instead of being sad, you help him heal because it's so wonderful to think of her as a grandmother and how proud she'd be. he plays her music box for u to help u sleep when ur little and it still makes u feel sleepy and safe when ur older

Not you just went wild about the chart AKSJSJSJAJJAS 🥺 well... at least my chicken brain that forgets stuff in less than 2 seconds was useful in this one! Tho don't get me wrong, I remember stuff but sometimes I feel like I have already read some details (even tho it's the first time), I haven't read some medium details, it's sometimes annoying in a comic way but I have always wanted to see if this had happened to people who suffer from any kind of OCD? (I think I may have it? After a long episode that almost had been going on for 3 years and "suddenly kind of faded" until few months ago, I decided to make some research, while I read the compulsions and types of manifestation the obsessions could have, I started remembering some small monthly-during episodes throught my entire life (mostly chilhood/early teenage years) that I categorized as irrational rational fears that caused me extreme anxiety even tho I know they are not real? but refuse to go to "online" therapy. Bruh I refused to talk in a zoom call about my feelings, irrational thoughts and the anxiety they cause me bc I just imagined myself crying while talking about my problems and my dr saying: excuse me the signal was poor, could u repeat once again what u were saying? 💀 Definitely will go to therapy when my therapist decides to do normal meetings and not on zoom). Haha... I feel like this is a secure space to talk about it, so yes, excuse me for using this ask to tell somebody about it. It's a little weird bc I know they are not real, but my mind goes "are you sure? Double check, Triple check your emotions, are you faking them rn?" And the never ending "what if...", Feeling tired after a whole sudden anxiety rush, and the fact that I have pushed away people who didn't do anything bad to me just by the simple fact my mind suddenly decided they were a trigger for a reason that my mind totally made up? But yeah *inserting "it's ok... You can laugh... It's funny" tik tok reference*

On a bright side! Yes, totally remember few days into Daechwita MV and how I stumbled into this drabble and said "wait! This is a Hobisdream drabble!" (followed you already bc I like your writting style!) and saw how people asked you for more so I was "yes bruh, we need moreeeee" in my head bc at the time I didn't know how to ask stuff to tumblr users and look where we are today, going into your tumblr notifications to see what the lovely anons are asking daily, the range is amazing, from anons getting executed as me, anons speaking bout problems, anons asking for MLT behind the scenes and 🍆 sizes... Fascinating... I could say!

UMM ofc i love the chart pls!!! 🥰💞 it is iconic. & i dont know much abt ocd so im no help there but im glad ur taking the steps to get a proper diagnosis!! i 100% understand not wanting to do online therapy bc all these online things can be so overwhelming. i hope u can talk to ur therapist soon & things go smoothly for you bb 💗 it is such a comfort to have a proper diagnosis for things that we feel on a daily basis. that confirmation is super important.

AKDJSDN yes... the frenzy that was that MV.. it was like 3am & i was typing the first like 300 words of that drabble without any idea that it would become this massive thing. hehe im glad u enjoy the content i put out! there indeed is a lot of variety here 🤣 that's what i love most abt it; i never know what im gonna get from your creative minds hahah

m a y a p o l l o

Who said “I love you” first

Maya did. In her teens she was very guarded, not getting too deep and keeping everything light. But as she got older kind of became much more…open with her affections? Her saying I love you was something very natural and matter of fact. Something said without much weight. She doesnt want him to feel weighed down by it, doesnt want him to feel like her saying this is a demand. She wants him to know that she cares deeply about him but also to feel like it’s ok. A phrase as light and as matter of fact as a greeting. 

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background

THIS IS SO MAYA. She takes a lot of selfies and a lot of pictures. Maya has to leave a lot, has to take long trips and long periods where she cant see him. So while a lot of the pictures she takes are for the pretense of teasing him for the most part she takes them to remember him by while shes out and about. It’s probably a picture of Polly taken by surprise. A picture of them making a cake for someones birthday and started a flour fight or something like that. A small thing to make her smile while shes out and about treking in some freezing mountainside 

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror

A lot of the time there are days where one has to wake up earlier than the other and cant be there for the other when they wake up. So to make up for that silly messages are left in the bathroom mirror! Things from silly pictures, to dumb memes, bad puns. Maya likes to try one upping the other, but one time Apollo left something funny enough to make make maya double over then trip and bump her arm. There’s a large bruise and she ends up being like. YOOOO ok so heres what happened. An alien space ship came and beamed me up saying I was the chosen one to end this giant war that-

Who buys the other cheesy gifts

Apollo! I feel like he’s the type to see something small that would make her smile. Because as much as Maya goes off about how in a relationship it’s all about money and looks she’s really just joking. Or half joking at least lol. Honestly, he’d probably see a bottle of slime in the dollar aisle while he’s out and be like. ‘maya would get a kick out of this’ and bring it back just to see her eyes go big and that giant grin before inevitably bringing him into a big hug and exclaiming how he’s the best boyfriend in the whole world before going to entertain herself for a surprising amount of time. 

Who initiated the first kiss

You know. You know. I really…. I don’t know. That’s such a huge step for both of them . It depends on what she deems is for their relationship. I feel like…I feel like for Apollo, she’d…GOODNESS DONT TAKE MY WORD FOR THIS. IM EARLY INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP SO THIS IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE AS I LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP BUT. She’d be more inclined to wait, see how he feels, and let him be more comfortable to make that first move. IDK. She’d be more guiding him towards being comfy enough for him to do that and when hes good and ready let him make that first move. Though I can easily imagine him leaning in for a kiss and maya moving in like shes going to and as soon as he closes his eyes maya pulling back and watching him as he holds his breath getting all anxious and when that kiss doesnt come he may or may not pout and then she’ll kiss him. IDK IVE NEVER DATED WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT ROMANCE/

Who kisses the other awake in the morning

I feel like it’s Maya? Or rather I know she’d do something like that in the vein of ‘he works so hard, I at least want him to wake up to something nice and relaxing and happy’. Mornings like that are nice and relaxing, he wakes up to her, foreheads pressed together with a smile and shes like ‘good morning apollo!’ As soon as hes awake she finds herself going off about something fun. Something she wants to show him on tv. A show that made her cry. Share stories about what happened in the mountains. It’s mundane but I feel like Maya loves the mundane small things. When so much is chaos it’s the simple that you take refuge in, ya know?

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower

maya is the only one of the two who would be so bold and can confirm that she WILL DEFINITELY SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Honestly as a bit of a joke, something to take him off guard so she can poke fun at him. Saying stuff like that to kind of tease him is fun for her. Though i think, if it’s deep into their relationship, he might take her off guard and be like sure. And maybe some stuff would follow man. She won’t shy away from it either. 

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch

Definitely can go either way and honestly I kind of like that. Maya wants to take care of Apollo she knows hes always looking out for others and she wants someone to look out for him too, kind of thing. AT the same time, Maya is also the person whos looking out for others, in her own way that is. She’s not exactly COMPLETELY SELFLESS but it’s kind of like. Whens shes selfish SHES REALLY SELFISH but when shes selfless shes REALLY selfless, if that makes sense. Anyway, Apollo going out of his way to take care of her is important. Goodness if it’s Apollo I could see him taking that long train ride up there to drop off some lunch for her cause he KNOWS if she’s meditating she won’t be taking care of herself. Sometimes hes like oK ENOUGH OF THAT ITS LATE YOU GOTTA EAT. other times he can tell shes really in it and needs the concentration so he just leaves it for her, for when she snaos out of it. She jsut opens her eyes and sees the bag of burgers and smiles. When she ends up going back down he’s greeted by a giant hug.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date

Polly for sure! Though Maya takes it in stride and goes out of her way to get him out of this mindset that OOH WHAT IF IT GOES BAD. She probs is acting like a huge goof, doing things to throw him off to stop him from worrying and just over all like just really casual. She tries to keep it in the same vein of when theyre normally together. She just for the most part is keeping him having fun and getting him out of his anxiety. 

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk

THAT WOULD SO BE POLLY. poor guy gets drunk and affectionate and loud(tm)  Maya gets drunk with him and the two are a lovefest mess. Which both of them get more than a little embaressed over the next day I’d imagine. though seeing as im new to getting drunk myself its hard to imagine. 

The boy who owned the world NOVEMBER 26, 2017 · FRIENDS The boy who owned a world By Josh Maynard Intro April 2020 People are dying. 2/3s of the worlds population has succumbed to an unknown virus. All humans above age 19 are dead. Corpses lie still in their cribs. Elderly lie eternally asleep in their beds. It all started 3 days ago, the flash. Children are waking up from their coma. Milk is sour. No power. Mommy and daddy smell bad. This is the new beginning. Adults have desecrated the Earth. So, the virus only attacked fully developed brains. Chapter 1 0810 Hours “Everything is fucked man, so fucked!” Eric mumbled as he pulled his red flyers wagon down the street. He stopped at a street light and out of habit looked both ways. Warily he crossed the street. Gunshots can be heard in the distance. the familiar pops that would resemble fireworks brought only death. “Damn kids” he spat in the direction on south Freetown. Eric would be turning 15 this year. Like it mattered, he thought. No more birthday candles. They were too valuable. After a few brisk minutes he reached a partially looted liquor store. He silently laughed at the broken registers and lotto machines. Damn kids. Curiously he made his way down the aisle pulling cans off the shelves. First aid and medical supplies went into the wagon as well. Candy bars, ramen noodles, and even pet food all came off the shelf. He suddenly stopped. He stopped right in front of the huge beer cooler. Shrugging a “what the hell” he grabbed a few cases. Eric managed to haul over 100lbs of supplies back to his house. His dads truck still in the garage. His moms eco friendly hatchback was still in the driveway. After putting his wagon away he grabbed his .22 rifle and his fathers .38 special tucking it in his waist band. After grabbing some pretzels and 12 pack he made his way to the front porch. While sitting in the rocking chair he began to whistle one of his fathers favorite bands songs. Eric solemnly took out a pack of malboros and lit one. While exhaling a large cloud of smoke he screamed “FUCK THIS” taking a final swig of his beer, he threw the bottle into the street. Not shedding a single tear. 3 hours later Eric awoke to the sound of screaming. No, laughter? He lazily opened his eyes to see a few kids playing soccer in the middle of the street. A few boys and girls his age while toddlers watched from the curb. The twins were team captains. Obviously, Eric snorted. Grabbing another cigarette he made his way to the street. The automatic gates didn’t work so he used a manual gate next to his mother’s rose bushes. Earlier he had wrapped all of his bike chains around the gate to further secure it. If he at 10 years old knew how to pick a lock then he could count on other degenerates knew too. After undoing all the chains several kids noticed Eric. “Eric! Finally the master of disaster wakes up!” one of the twins piped up. It was Harry, the boy, all long flowing locks of fiery red hair. “What’s up fire crotch?!” Eric replied. Soon all the little ones crowded Eric squealing and hugging his legs. “We rescued a lot of kids today” Sara mentioned as he made her way through the small crowd. “While you were shut in your castle”. Sarah gave him a peck on his cheek. “We thought…..” her gaze fell low “We thought you were fish food man!” Harry exclaimed “But look at you! Smoking AND drinking. Wow. Hey wheres all the warm beer?” Eric put his thumb behind him “I put it in the pool”. At the mention of a pool the kids all stopped playing with the ball. “Well fuck this! Me first!” Harry yelled pushing past all the little ones “Take him hostage sis, hes all yours!” he screamed just as an army of children began to run behind him. Eric smiled, my little army, he thought. “So hot shot, what’s the plan?” he turned to see Sarah in white shorts and a yellow blouse. The wind was whipping her hair across her shouders. She and her twin brother were 16. Sarah and Eric swapped their V-cards together just that summer. “Well Darling” he said between puffs “I guess we take over the world” laughing he locked the gate and slid his arm around her waist. Together they made their way to the pool. “Don’t drink it all asshole!” Eric yelled as Harry grabbed his another beer. “Relax bro, ill go get you a whole store!” Harry replied. They both fell back in their lawn chairs laughing. “Is this the life or what?” Harry asked “Despite the fact I forgot we have no parents, its been alright” Harry whistled a somber tune. “Yeah, our dad was an ass so we put him in the county dump” Harry replied gleaming “ Fuck-em” he whispered as he took another swig. “So captain whats the plan? I mean, how do we live? Obviously we cant take care of all these little bastards” Harry mentioned while he waved his hand at the pool. The pool was filled with more then 50 screaming and laughing kids. They all had forgotten for the time being that they had awoken to dead parents days before. Eric smiled at Harry “I guess we can drop them off in the woods somewhere—OWWW” “Sarah punched Eric in the shoulder “Well? Do you have any ideas princess?” Eric said turning towards her. She was rubbing her temples while in deep thought. “We need them…” she finally said “We need an army” Harry began to laugh but quickly fell silently, no one else thought it was funny. “Your serious?” said Eric, she turned to him “ Its time babe. We’re taking over”. Eric lifted his beer and chugged the rest in one gulp, “Si vis pacem para bellum” he whispered. Chapter 2 A few months later Cars had now been parked to block the ends of the street. After Eric dispatched Harry to the local hardware store to get generators. The wall was being built. Tony was named head engineer. Tony was 13 and still in love with legos so to Eric it was a no brainer to charge him with building a wall. He now supervised 8-15 year olds as they cut and nailed new sections. Eric drove by in his Hummer. “Hey Tony the tiger, hows the progress?” he asked stepping out. Tony grimaced, “ Im not gunna lie Er, we are way behind. That last attack from the Baron’s set us back. We are now using fire retardant wood and aluminum roofing to cover the wood. At least the gate anyway. The vulneralbities are the alley’s and the sewers”. Eric was writing in his notebook. “ Anything else to report?” Tony looked sideways “Well, one of the new recruits is causing some trouble” At this Eric looked up “Trouble?” Tony sighed “She causing some dissention with the younger ones, he goes by Striker” Eric spat at the ground “Son of a bitch” he pulled out his radio “Base 1, this is golden eye over” his radio crackled “Golden eye we read you, what’s your 20? Over”. The kids had raided a police station armory and found radios with code books. “Find out who is in charge of our new guppies (recruits) and bring them all to the hall of justice, over.” Eric said “Roger wilco sir, over and out”. Eric kicked a rock “To the torture chamber we go”. He climbed behind the wheel of the truck and sped off grinding his cig mouth. “Attention on deck!” Lt Gaby screamed. “ At ease” Eric barked. The whole room sat at Eric’s command. “ Lt, give me the list of guppies” Gaby promptly handed over a list of this week’s workers. Striker was last on the list. “Guppie Striker?” Instantly a frail blonde girl stood. She was about his height with green eyes and a very extenuating bust. Shit, Eric thought, he assumed it was a male. “Seize her” 4 guards responded and cuffed her. “Bring her here” Eric commanded, the guards led her without protest to the front of the hall and sat her in the Truth Chair. “Guppies DISSMISSED!” Eric bellowed, Lt Gaby began to bark orders and led them back to work detail. As the last recruit left Eric told the guards to wait outside. “Id rather blow you then get raped” Striker spat in rebellion as he walked behind her. “Who do work for?” Eric simply asked ignoring her provoke, “What?” Eric slapped her hard “Argh, I don’t WORK for anyone you jackass!” Striker screamed. “Why all the bullshit on the wall then!? Your speech is a cancer” Eric retorted as he began to lose his cool. He stayed behind her “I was only talking shit!” She screamed, she smelled good Eric thought as he leaned into her ear “Liar liar pants on ….” He then proceeded to lift a can and pour precious gasoline all over her body “….Fire”. Pity, she smelled so nice. She was screaming and thrashing but chains held her down. He circled her and took out a cigarette, light it and inhaled. “Look ill do whatever you want ok? Ill do whatever you want, please!” she was crying hard now, it gave Eric a thrill to hear her beg. “Tell me, who…..do….you….work….for” He breathed out his smoke so thick she began to cough “Fine FUCK, FINE! Fuck! Ill tell you! But I cant go back there! Please! They will kill me!” She screamed as Eric lit another match. “Who will?” Eric whispered as he slowly circled her. “The fucking jackets!” this puzzled Eric. The Yellow Jacket football team, he thought. Shit. “Guards!” Eric sat down, hands in his lap patiently studying Strikers face. She looked like an animal caught in a trap. The gas worked every time. If she only knew it was a cup of gas poured in a gallon of water for the smell. He smiled as moments later the Hall’s door was filled with guards. “Put her in solitary” He nodded to Striker “Brig, bread and water 3 days. That’s it.” Just as he finished his command Sarah burst through the front double doors with her honor guard trialing her. Oh shit, thought Eric. Sarah walked right up to Striker and punched her in the throat. Striker, still tied in the chair, fell gasping for breath still attached to the Truth chair. “Why wasn’t I notified immediately? Shes a fucking spy?!” Eric looked like he was actually 15. He then looked her straight in the eye and told her the truth “I didn’t want to risk it over the radios” Sarah kicked Striker in the stomach “And that’s for soliciting yourself on my man bitch!”. Between gasps Striker managed a weak “Fuck you..” Sara scoffed and began to try and stomp her face but Eric quickly intervened. “Stop Sara!” She looked back at him incredulously “We need her!” He urgently whispered. “Shes from a new gang, that football team from Glenbard High? Yellow Jackets apparently. That school is a fortress! Fuck a wall. That place could be our capital! We are close to 800 strong and climbing everyday….we need to expand” Eric then lightly kicked the now unconscious girl on the ground. “Shes our golden goose” It took Sara a few seconds to contemplate this and then suddenly jumped on Eric “ Oh Darling this is why I love you!” She blurted in between kisses. “Ahem” a cloaked figure appeared in the Hall’s doorway. “Come now children, daddy’s home!” a familiar Harry swept off his cloak in a kingly manner. “Scary Harry! My man, how goes it?” Harry lit a cigar and dragged a huge toke. “Well, the campaign is going well, we brought an additional 76 guppies in. But even better are our raids. I put the preliminaries on your desk Governor, ill tell you this, we hit em hard” Sarah released her grip on Eric “How hard?” She breathed slowly. Harry took his time “Uhhh…about 10,000 gallons of fuel” Eric’s cigarette fell from his mouth. Sarah ran to her brother and picked him up in a excited embrace. “You little devil you! How!? A transport?” she set him down “Of course my horse! We were raiding the airport when our scouts spotted a few Baron’s guarding a jet and a truck. Our snipers took out the gurads and when we searched the plane. Nothing but this white powerdy stuff. Looks like coke?” “Celebration?” Harry asked his lifetime best friend. “Its time to kill the fatted calf” Eric said with a smile. It was going to be a very good day after all. “Governor! Eric wake up!” Eric opened one eye, it was Lt. Gaby. “Yeah yeah im awake, whats the matter?” Gaby gave him a report “Is this true?” Gaby nodded “Ever since Sparrow (Stanley) put out that radio signal our radar is picking up thousands of kids and vehicles alike”. Shit, he thought, too soon. “Get me my gun and hail Cmdr Sarah and Cmdr Harry NOW!” Gaby quickly saluted and ran barking orders. Within minutes Sarah and Harry had Alpha Teams swarming the banisters. “I want snipers on every fucking roof damn it!” Eric yelled into his throat mike “And someone bring me some coffee!” Eric reached in his pocket and sniffed some sugar, he was floored. “Gaby, get processing teams down there now!” Eric knew first hand what could happen if close to 2,000 kids got riot worthy. Processing teams pushed through the huge make shift camp. Gaby got a p.a. “Males on the left side of the street and females on the right” Medical teams were then dispatched to triage the new kids. “We cant let them all in Eric, there’s not enough supplies” Harry said as he looked at the huge crowd. Reports were coming in that thousands were being added. “Then we build more walls. Send out more raid parties.” Harry looked away in anger “You have no idea what its like out there do you Er? How many good guys and girls ive lost trying to feed these outsiders” He spat as he waved his hand over new guppie crowd. “You and Sarah are living in this fantasy….you CANT save the world.” Eric knew Harry was right. They couldn’t keep on taking in every new guppie that they found. They were already at max capacity. They needed to expand. And he knew just the place to annex. Now was his chance. “Sarah, call the council together and Gaby?” “Yes, capt?” “Make sure these migrants have bread and water. Keep em happy” Gaby then replied a few seconds later “ Uh sir, theres a leader here who calls himself Josiah, he would like a word” Sarah looked at him with conern but Harry volunteered “Ill go baby sit the prophet” Harry said laughing as he climbed down the banister. “He’s a tough SOB that one!” Eric said as he watched Harry entreat this leader to succumb to his world. They both entered the gates minutes later arm over each others shoulder. He was a red head. Damn irish, Eric thought as he chuckled. “Well, you have your army Darling, whats next?” Eric pulled another cigarette from his almost empty pack. “We are gunna take that fucking school” Chapter 3 “8 days later” *Eric and Harry are on a hill ½ mile from Redwood High. Eric has a spotters scope & Harry is staring down a Barret .50. Both are dressed in camo. Its been two says since last relocation. Eric cant stop smoking. He worried about his young sniper team. Most of his team consisted of teenagers trained on video games of violence and gore. Bravo and Alpha teams consisting of 5 guppies contained a comms, medic, assault, and sniper team were stationed in the North and Charlie and Delta were moving in from the East & West. An entire storm trooper army was stationed just outside the Yellow Jackers radar about 2 clicks south, about 2k strong in the FOB* “There he is…” Eric, alert and hyperviligant, whispered. “The queen bee himself, range?” Harry asked “400 yards” Eric whispered. “Fuck man I cant make that shot!” Harry said setting down his rifle. “This is way different then COD bro, we got wind and drop to factor in” Eric whipped out a compass and wind navigator and ran the numbers. “Shoot 8 inches to the left and 5 inches above your target” Eric said to Harry. “Seriously?” Harry spat incredoulous. “Dead serious, simple calculus my friend, x is always moving” Whispered Eric. He watched through his spotters lens as the Queen Bee drank some hot liquid on the roof. “All units prepare for execute, on my mark, fire fire fire……” Erics words were muffled by thunderous crack of lightning. “WEAPONS FREE!” Eric yelled into his throat mike. Infantry units on dirt bikes, ATV’s, and trucks with .50 came barreling from all units and entire buses full of grunts began to appear on the horizon. The siege lasted 45 min. Multiple units began to engage the Yellow Jackets on the 1-4 floors of the school. Tear gas and smoke filled the courtyards. The ill prepared YJ did not stand a chance against riot gear and gas. Many young militants fell in the first few minutes. Medics were dispatched to patch up the wounded. Enemies were captured and rounded up in a make shift camp. After the intial stages of the invasion, the battle was over. A white flag was shown from the Gym of the school which served as HQ. The Gym was full to the brim with over 1,500 kids. “Cease fire!” Harry commanded over his mike. “Infantry, secure the perimeter, Flood the tunnels and seal the gates. No one in or out. Process all citizens of the YJ colony and get medical teams to triage the survivors.” Eric barked into his mike. “Sniper teams, your on overwatch duty, if you see a weapon in the hands of the enemy, terminate them” CRACK Harry slumped over. His face hit the cold ground with a sickening thud. Everything happened in slow motion. Eric’s initial assement assumed his wound was fatal. Crawling over, he deduced that the round had grazed his ear and rendered him unconscious. “FUCK EVAC ON MY POSITION NOW! I need artillery on that roof now! Mobile units, put suppressive fire on those banisters! SOMEBODY PUT A FUCKING BIRD IN THE SKY!”

In meds we trust

I was in the toilet when I heard a polite knock at my door. 'Are you in Maddie? A man’s voice floated through the door. I was only in there looking at my face. Well, the chemical caused acne breakout that used to be my face. Urgh. I opened the door. 'I just have some paperwork to fill in if that's ok?' I realised he might be a junior doctor and he was as polite and his knock. I grabbed them from his hand and it was the usual. 2 pieces of paper, each with situation statements which I had to confirm with a circle. Never, rarely, some days, several days, always. Question 3 really got me. 'Do you talk to yourself while you're alone? What type of question is that ?'I asked aloud. He asked why and I said how do you know. 'How do you know if you talk to yourself while you're alone? That's like asking if a tree falls in the wood when no one is around does anyone hear?' He started laughing. 'I see your point' he said 'I know that I talk to myself' me too. I circled 'several days'. I think everyone does. He thanked me and collected the papers. He informed me I have formulation meeting tomorrow. A formulation meeting is where everyone gets together and discusses what to do with you. It sounds so clinical. How do you  solve a problem like Maddie? I've been a puzzle quite a few times. 

 I was sat at my desk when a seriously lady walked in, carrying a briefcase and a warm smile she perched on the end of my bed. 'My name is Dr Khatri'.

 First things first we discussed the events which led me here but after a while she clocked my note pad. She asked me what I was writing so I explained. It was partly this, partly my book and partly serious subjects. 'I wish I was as creative as you' she said. We then continued trawling through my history and uttered the words I knew were coming but still filled me with dread. 'I think you will benefit from an antipsychotic'

 In 2008, after the first serious admission i had, I left hospital at went back to college. I had my second psychotic breakdown 6 months into my first year at art college. It was now September and my first day back. i was so nervous but everyone was so nice, within a few hours i got my confidence back, i was ready to begin. I stared at the canvas in front of me and nothing happened. Creativity used to flow out of my hands. My mother was told I was gifted. I never saw a blank canvas I saw one hundred visual stories to be told. I picked up the charcoal to trigger some sort of idea but nothing happened. Then it hit me, I was normal. I was functioning but i'd sacrificed my creativity for it. Id sacrificed part of myself. 

 When you're young you're told to believe in you're dreams. You can achieve anything you want but as you get older you realise this isn't true and it takes hard work and sacrifices. My goal was to be normal and for that i realised I'd sacrificed part of my soul. Through the following year, I noticed not only had I sacrificed my soul, also my identity and it was down to a little blue pill called aripiprazole. aripiprazole was an antipsychotic and two years later when I had a trial coming off it, I came back. My soul re-entered my body, whatever what repressing me left and I got my sparkle again. I didn't want to be locked away again.

 'It's an antipsychotic called olanzapine' she said covering an awkward silence in which I realised I hadn't replied. 'I understand you have tried aripiprazole and quetiapine in the past yes?' I had but they were both the same, they stole who I was but quetiapine had made me physically ill as well. bad allergic reaction.

'What are the side effects?' I asked when I finally got out of my thoughts. 'There can be weight gain as a side effect' i knew this. Not only that I knew olanzapine was the worst one for it. I felt sick. I am Maddie and I am skinny. That's part of me. Throughout my life I've had patches where I've been a bit funny about my weight and for this reason I felt like I'd been given a death sentence. Logic once more dictates that this was ridiculous, but me and logic aren't always friends. I'm crazy and ill but at least I'm skinny and exciting. I'm not pretty enough to be fat. Medication weight is entirely different to normal weight. It's all on the stomach. You see it, a big round pouch. It's all on the stomach and flat in the eyes. I got one before, not big but it was there. People can be beautiful at any weight, size and shape but it made me so worried. My choice was be mad or be unhappy with how I look. I don't know what's worse. I know I was being dramatic, I know I was being shallow and vain but maybe It's what I deserved. 'Okay' I said. I wasn't really thinking. I'd already conceded to defeat to continue to participate in the decision. She asked if I had any more questions and smiled as she left. I smiled too.

 I am not anti-medication. I am pro-medication. I'm already on some. There are so many people, mainly who suffer with depression I've found, who point blank refuse any meds. I understand, they worry for the same reason as me but no matter how good your diet is, no matter how many miles your run, sometimes you're serotonin will not play the game. There is no denying these factors help but sometimes you need a crutch, a little helping hand to get you through the day but prejudice and fear seem stronger than logic. 'You don't need pills, why would you want to put all those chemicals in your body?' Preaches the person who nearly blacks out on tequila every weekend before inhaling a gram of cocaine through to Sunday morning. 'You just need a distraction' says the person who’s never even had a cold in their life, never mind any other health problems.

 It's a chemical imbalance: would you tell someone with diabetes it's a state of mind? And the same as diabetes, yes a diet can help, but you're not going to stop that imbalance by stopping their insulin. Ignorance causes suffering.

 The reason for my reservations was my complicated past with this type of drug. After a short time of contemplating in silence I started to cry. I felt heartbroken. Everything I had tried, the struggle and determination I had fought to stay off them, I was back to where I was a few years ago. I had failed. My heart sank into my chest not only through disappointment but the knowledge she was probably right.  I was being selfish too, my behaviour was also effecting the people around me, i had to be fixed. It was the most logical answer. I also knew that medication effects individuals in different ways but even that didn't help me. What could I do? I needed to formulate a plan of my own. Ferociously scribbled into my notebook cause and effect, feelings and frenzied suggestions but i knew deep down i was wrong.

 I went to find a nurse. I wasn't good at this whole 'talking to someone' business, I can do it in my own, but I needed to say my thoughts out loud.

 The ward has been busy. It was living up to a stereotype I tried to ignore. Sharon, the walker, was no longer wandering the hallways but yelping incoherently to herself in her room. Earlier a new girl was brought in by a flock of people who promptly tried to escape and hit her dad. I watched as she screamed and wet her self. I watched her violently thrashing as she was rugby tackled like a SWAT team by the staff and sedated. As we all shuffled off to our rooms as instructed by staff, I saw her legs were all bruised and bleeding. I saw her eyes too, she wasn't there. 

 I finally found a nurse to speak to. No, talk at. Through mascara stained rambling I explained. She said nothing. Finally she said 'don't worry about the weight gain, it doesn't happen to everyone'. What a pile of shit. Yes it does, it's the one that does it that most, im not an idiot. 'Tea is ready if you want some?' She said changing the subject and leaving. I didn't want some. I wasn't hungry. Probably because I knew soon that's all i'd be. Hungry and lost. 

 As the evening drifted on, it nearly time. I made my way to the treatment room like a prisoner on the way to the executioners block. I had to get rid of this negativity. i had to try. I slouched on the chair outside the treatment room, waiting for my name to be shouted. A few of the older and worse patients were watching TV. I looked at their facing staring blankly at the set. How do they do it? All of them are on antipsychotics and they just get on with it. That's all some of them do though, just stare at the TV in their pyjamas. I can't work out if they know what's going on or braver than me, stronger than me? Probably both, more so the latter.

 I heard my name and got my meds. I saw a new little pink one, poking out of the crowd of pills in the paper cup. 'This is a new one for me. I'm excited for the sleep but not the weight gain!' I joked. She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I took a deep breath and knock it back. Then nothing. I don't know what I expected. The whole world to change? To die? Everything was exactly the same. An hour passed and still nothing happened. I was just sat watching TV and very much still myself. 

 I got up to go to the kitchen and that's when I noticed the change. Fuzzy. Everything was fuzzy. From the floor tiles to door frames everything was like a slow slide show, doubled and swayed. I felt like static, my brain full of white noise. I stumbled into the kitchen but it was too bright so I abandoned my cup and made my way to my room. I felt as though i was walking through water. A 5 second journey turned into a 5 mile march of white corridor. I have spent more time in a drug fuelled trip wandering round hospital corridors than I have house parties this year. 

 I finally made it into bed and turned out the lights. Everything was better now. The white noise was quieter. Calm. The world has righted itself. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was my legs feeling hot against the bed sheet.

 *****

 I've just woke up. I can't get up

  It was two hours later and I was still struggling to move. Every twitch of my leg and flex of my arm made me feel sick. I needed the toilet, I had to move. My mouth was sandpaper dry, I needed some water, I had to move. I eventually pulled myself up and felt better I thought- until I stood up. It felt like my heart was going to explode through my chest. All my extremities tingled. I edged my way to the toilet using the wall as a frame and finally reached the bowl. That was the best piss I ever had. I looked over the mirror. I looked awful. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the veins pulsing across my eyelids and in my reflection that is what I saw. Blood shot eyes, the negative of what I saw in the blink, like a fingerprint. I got up and shuffled to the door.

 The hallway was white. Too white. My heart felt like it was beating into my legs, each step a slow and heavy thump. The pressure in my chest was radiating down from my head which was locked in an invisible vice. The heaviness of my head led the way as I went to find help. 'I don't feel very well' I said when I finally reached the dining room hatch. One of the nurses took my arm 'oh dear' she said 'Coincidence has it, a doctor is here, I'll get him to take a look at you, don't worry'. I lent in her shoulder and she grabbed me gently by the arm and steadily walked me to the treatment room. 

 wilted on the bed, I blinked and there stood a figure leaning over me, face shrouded by the strip light behind, turning his features into a silhouette which was crowned by a halo. My eyes adjusted to the lights and distortion melted away. The silhouette was now replaced with a dark haired doctor. He looked early 30s. Quite cute actually. First attractive person I'd seen in ages and i was in this state. The nurse from before leaned over and pulled my top up. I then also realised I had my tits out. Great. Faces of Meth, faces of Maddie, there was very little distinction. 'Hold up your arms, put then together onto your chest and lift them up like chicken wings' he said. What. He must have seen my expression of disbelief and confusion as he showed me how. 'I'm not going to press on your elbows and you have to try and keep them up, okay?' He was very authoritative yet polite. I liked it. From there proceeded a number of resistance tests, pulling and pressing on various limbs. After a while he pulled out his stethoscope and listened to my chest before checking my blood pressure. Everything was a little bit high. 'You are experiencing some very strong side effects but you are okay but we'll mention this to the consultant. Try and get some rest' Rest. That is all anyway says but it doesn't seem to be working. The nurse helped me back up and I hauled myself back to bed.

 'Maddie can i come in?' The staff nurse shouted the door. 'You have your formulation meeting at 1 o'clock is that okay?' It was 12:30. Oh god, I had so much to say, so much to explain, so much persuading to do and I couldn't in this state. I was struggling slur through a sentence. mind fuzzy. I started to panic, the kick of adrenaline woke me up and I pulled on some clothes and lumbered to meeting room. It was time to formulate my formulation, see where my path was headed next, and I was not prepared.

 When I walked in I was greeted by four ladies all sat in perfect symmetry, two on each side. There was my mum, a staff nurse, the psychiatrist and a lady I didn't know. I looked at my mother who couldn't hide her concern at the state I'd walked in. 'I don't want to take olanzapine again, please don't make me' I pleaded before anyone could even begin. 'It is your body and I can see you are not well' I looked at Dr Khatri 'They have had an unusually adverse effect on you. In the pasts you have tried aripriprazole and quetiapine and there were not successful either. I don't think this medication is for you. I see no benefit to continuing'  she smiled at me. 'Thank you' I replied. Thank you didn't even cut it, thank you for the bottom of my heart. A wave of relief washed over me. I said previously they are not good for me but no one had really listened. I have the symptoms, they fix the symptoms but they don't suit me. Antipsychotics are anti-Maddie. 'We have decided to the observe and see how you go' she continued 'we will wait for the increase in lamotrogine to take effect and if you manage to have two nights full rest, you can go on weekend leave and if that is successful we can discuss discharge' even better! This was the plan. This is want I wanted. I struggled to hold back tears as I thanked her. The lady was finally introduced to me. She was my work liaison officer. The thing is, and the thing you may not believe is, I am full time employed. Up until a while ago I was just like you. A Starbucks drinking, Tesco raiding, selfie taking, endless consumer. I was the one who accidentally walked into you in a heaving pool of people in primark. I am the person who sat opposite you on the train. A 'mutual friend',  a 'someone you might know'.

 Mental illness believes in equality. It doesn't judge or have prejudice. It will simply strike any of us at any moment. A monster lurking in the dark.

 For a while I’d felt like my life had been stagnant and now it was the most static and stagnant it’s ever been. I needed to get out.

 For the rest of the meeting I stayed slumped in my chair, the drugs still flowing through my veins. I watched them speak, their mouths moved but blurred sounds came out from far away. Dr Khatri hand grabbed mine and shook it, our faces smiling simultaneously. The plan was complete. The formulation; I just had to sleep. Not that hard right?

 *****

 I’m trying to sleep but It’s raining. It’s raining so hard. I overheard something about a storm earlier, about the sky turning yellow? I don’t know. It’s not just me that’s gone crazy recently, it’s the whole world. I couldn’t sleep though it like the slow motion crush of a car bonnet crumpling into a wall in a crash test simulation, dummy falling and bending inside.

 Suddenly silence. I flipped open the curtain next to me, only blackness peered back in. No rain.

 From behind me I heard the pitter patter of quick footsteps down the corridor and quickly flung myself into bed and pretended to be asleep. A few seconds later I heard the shutter fold up, the flash of a light and felt the eyes of a nurse observe me for a moment before moving on. I heard the shutter slap down I rolled over. Try again.

 I lay in the darkness, it buzzing around me like bees trying to shut down. Even if I don’t sleep even if they just think I have slept I can leave. I wasn’t going to move but then I heard the tapping. It was coming from outside of my window. Tap, tap, tap. I got up and went to the bathroom and slid under the sink, curling into a ball. Tap, tap, tap. I closed my eyes and breathed.

 I wont tell them about this

3a.m.

the day we met you couldn’t even remember my name but everyone saw the look the deep loving look you gave me as you tried to get ahold of my name. was it love at first sight? i wasn’t sure myself, we talked the next day like we already knew each other you approached me on the bus and yes i remember sitting all alone and honestly i thought you we’re like the other “jocks” mess around with plenty of females and play sports act like you’re “the shit” at least that’s what they made you seem like “Hey!” as you patted the seat in front of you asking me to sit in front of you “don’t tell me i remember” he tried to remember my name of course i correct you but you got a hang of it we talked and talked about many things where we came from things we were into how we got to where we are now you gave me this vibe that i instantly felt i know you felt it too the way you looked deep in my eyes i saw you were hurt and i wanted to be that shoulder you could cry on you reached out to me not physically but mentally it like you wanted to vent to me but you’ve been hurt so hurt you were afraid that i wouldn’t see through you but i did i saw how hurt you were talking to me the pain in your eyes the way you talked to me i saw it you were hurt and so was i so i showed affection maybe not instantly but i did i wanted to reach out to you i wanted you to see that i could be that person that could hold you for the dreadful days the moment i felt connected to you i never felt lonely after that i wanted to give you my all. after that day i was happy happy that i connected with someone that was just as hurt as i was we hung out everyday after school after that Wednesday, Thursday we went to practice after school we had to run a mile and leave of course you were a sprinter and i was a distance runner so you ran on the track and i ran my 1 mile route so i saw you after practice it ended at 3:45 and we sat and talked at the stairs about cars but sadly you knew nothing about them it was ok then friday came since we both didn’t make varsity we decided to go and help at the meet since it was home i didn’t think you’d be there but you were we both helped at the food stand and we still talked and talked about music sports family etc the girls that were in there said they say how close we were like as if we were crushing over each other hard and yes that ended up being the case i thought maybe he’s just being nice nobody really likes me so it was rare that i felt this deep affection towards you i can’t forget that night cause we grew a lil bit closer saturday sunday passed Monday i couldn’t honestly wait to see you after school i was walking around after school hoping i would see you and i did you waved at me from a distance and walked up to me we walked to track so we could turn in our jerseys we walked there you took my phone listened to music and i was inside turning in my jersey and you left and messed around and hid with my phone when i left to go find you i ended up finding you everyone was teasing us cause we were always together we left to the liquor store and came back you told me stories about how you got kicked out of the laundromat some real funny shit we went back and went to the game we didn’t really watch it we were messing around i braided your long hair and i was jealous your hair was softer than mines and you were a dude but you just leaned back between my legs after that wrapped my arms around you and we sat and listened to music i remember our first kiss we snuck into the old gym and we were messing around you wanted to become “dump buddies” some weirdo i thought but we laughed a lot and when i said i had to go you hugged me and looked me in my eyes i knew you wanted to kiss me but i left i left and then i came back because my ride wasn’t there so we continued to mess around and laugh til my sister called to tell me she was there you hugged me goodbye and gently pushed me against the wall looking down since im short our lips met for the first time and yes then then i thought he just might me the one and you were we kissed unfortunately i had to leave you promised you’d text me and you did i was glad didn’t mention the kiss at all but the next day we hung out after school we made out but i was unsure because i didn’t want to fuck around with the most known sophomore but i still did you left to practice i left home that day wondering how does this freakishly hot dude just have the nerve to kiss me Wednesday the 19th of april we got out of 12 because of testing so you promised me sonic after school so we went i wanted an ultimate chicken sandwich but you swapped it for a double cheese burger funny we talk and ate and someone asked you “are you guys talking like getting together?” i was scared your for your response but you didn’t stutter you said “yeah we are” after all that we ate and went back to the school wish the varsity team good luck and whatever we made out and snuck into the old gym made out more and i had the nerve to ask where this was leading we talked about it for awhile we decided to make it official “1:58pm wednesday april 19th its official” you said i was glad you gave me this rush of emotions and knew exactly what you were doing you made me feel that even in this dreadful sad full of crap world that people like you do exist and i happen to be lucky and end up with you you’re my everything my happiness the key to my very broken heart you helped me pick up my pieces while trying to pick up yours you are the glue that holds it all together and i love you i do and i mean when i tell you you’re like no other you shine brighter than any star and showed me that im not alone anymore because i have you