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leonicscorpio · 3 years

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Batboy Headcanons because I made this for me but you all can enjoy this too if want. (May contain mild NSFW)

Dick:

Has a weird relationship with unwanted gaze and the attention he receives because of his physique. He genuinely likes the attention but he draws the line when people start getting touchy. Just because he's shirtless working out doesn't mean he gave you consent to touch him.

Has good dieting skills but he's in his mid-late 20's and his metabolism has 0 signs of slowing down. He once ate a whole xl bag of M&M's in front of Steph and Babs and both said they wanted to murder him because he won't gain a pound.

Dick has ADHD and I'm sorry if you don't think otherwise. He has hyperactive type ADHD and while he's gotten better at controlling his symptoms he still stims stretching and flexing his arms and shaking his arms.

While not so much in Gotham, Dick is very politically active and volunteers at voter registration and working with organizations with the mission of police demilitarization in Blüdhaven.

Dick is a very sexually driven individual. However, I don't think it's entirely healthy. His ADHD also comes into play with this but Dick just needs to have a release at least twice a day or he'll feel physically sick.

I don't know if you all have seen male gymnasts. But Dick, like the rest of them, has FREAKSISHLY large biceps. Everyone talks about Dick has the best ass in the bat family and while Jason may be larger and stronger, Dick has the best physique.

Dick's apartment is littered with sticky notes in places such as the fridge/in front of his computer. If it's not written down and in a place where he can't ignore it, it's not going to get done.

I'm sorry I know everyone says his birthday is in March but I have to go to the older Nightwing comics and say his Birthday is December 1st. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me this man doesn't give off Sagittarius energy. You can't. I respect you but you can't look at that and tell me that man isn't a Sagittarius or has super heavy Sag in his birth chart.

Dick's at home doing nothing but chilling? You best believe he's gonna be shirts off, tits out, and rocking some blue flannel PJ's.

Dick is currently the only member of the family asides from Barbara who is regularly attending therapy. And he actively encourages each of his brothers and sisters to go every time.

After his Agent 37 days. He sits down with Jason and talks about having to use a gun and how hard it was. And how having to kill people has affected him. When he had to kill the KGBeast (Agent 37 days he snapped his neck) I headcanon Dick just trauma v*mit*d. Jason hugged him and just consoled him.

It's canon that Dick has anger issues but to me, it's not explored or talked about enough and not a lot of people like to talk about it. Dick is very much the 'if I ignore it it'll go away' type when it comes to his anger and he can brush most insults or harassment off fine enough. But when he breaks, he makes Jason look like a saint. I'm talking slamming you into a wall and screaming in your face angry. He'll be profusely apologetic afterward but still.

Despite popular belief, I don't think he's that bad of a cook. He's just not very experimentative. He can follow a recipe and does look at some guides. But to me, Dick Grayson just is that guy who is like Chicken veggies and rice are a meal that I can cook 4-6 times a week.

Dick has a slight fear of dentists. He doesn't have bad teeth and has good dental health. He just doesn't like the idea of a drill going in his mouth and the few times Bruce has to take him to a dentist he had a panic attack every time.

Everyone lives for the fics where Jason beats the shit out of Tim and everyone is just like lol well Bruce and Dick just forgives him. No. When Dick found out it was Jason who beat Tim to the ground, Dick was literally seething and told Jason "Pick on someone your own size or else I'll make you wish you back in that f'ing coffin."

Dick's favorite foods (some based in Canon*): Milk Chocolate*, Cereal*, Asparagus, Bananas, Banana flavored candy, Hawaiian Pizza* (suffer its canon) Rum, thanksgiving Turkey.

Jason:

He may be the self-diagnosed black sheep (rightfully so) of the family, but Jason does genuinely love spending time with his siblings. Whether it be sharing memes with them on social media or just randomly showing up where they are and abducting them to go get ice cream/coffee/snacks.

He'd probably attempt to harm you if you told him this to his face. But he is the closest acting to Bruce out of all of the family. In terms of mannerisms and inherent warmth and kindness behind a dark façade.

Has two moods: either exceptionally, almost neat-freak levels of clean, or his life is completely falling apart and Jason can't tell you for sure what color his floors are because there's so much stuff scattered about.

Despite their initial hatred of each other, Jason truly feels closest to Tim and Tim is the only person asides from maybe Barbra who he can just talk to without feeling any judgment.

Jason only smokes when he's extremely nervous about an operation or a hit. For those who don't know criminal justice cigarettes are the fastest way to get genetic material on someone. That being said he does still like to smoke occasionally.

Me, plus a lot of people give him this sort of 'Lazarus Rage' as I like to call it. When he's in the heat of a mission or if he's getting upset/angry his vision will get blurred with green, and it feeds on his anger and just gets perpetually harder to contain until he releases it. Jason has gotten much better at controlling it. But as he will tell Tim or Babs, he's "seeing green" which means they need to be careful because Jason could kill.

Everyone says Dick is the mother hen. I see you, I accept you, but let me raise you. Jason came to realize that he died because of his rash decision to go after The Joker alone. If Jason finds any of his siblings out acting alone, or even at the very least without Oracle. Jason WILL forcefully interject himself and ask them what the fuck they think their doing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Trying to get close to Jason is hard. He will degrade you can attempt to try to get you to hate him before he lets you in (that cheeky Tsun of him)

He genuinely cares for and supports all of his siblings but has been rough on them needlessly. But if Bruce is being the distant or absent parent he is, you better believe if any of the siblings drops him a text or a call, Jason will be there in a heartbeat.

He's the most physically powerful of the whole Bat Family. You don't understand because of his time in the League, his time with the All-Caste, and having abused Venom for a time, he can snap an arm bone like it's a carrot with little effort.

Everyone in the family likes dogs and goes out of their way to gush over a dog, but Jason takes it to a whole new level. And even when he's masked up dogs just gravitate to Jason.

Can and has grown a beard in a matter of a few days. He usually likes to be clean shaven but some days he likes to wear a beard just to throw everyone off.

One time him, Steph, Tim, and Duke all went to a restaurant (Red Robin lol) and the waitress got his order wrong and his burger had raw tomatoes on it, Jason took the tomatoes off and ate it while looking absolutely miserable. Tim: Jay why did you eat that you didn't have to you know you could have asked the server to fix your burger. Jason, almost in tears: "She works really hard and she tried and I'm a scary dude I don't want to make her upset.." Duke: "... Jason you literally shot at a cop for looking at you funny the other day. But you're afraid of upsetting a waitress?!? I mean ACAB but dude.. "

Jason's happiest big brother moment™ was taking Tim and Damian to the shooting range and watching them both get their first bullseye.

You can't tell me Jason Todd was into the Emo/Screamo/Warped-Tour Scene. His favorite bands/Albums in no particular order, That's the Spirit (Literally the whole album is Jason Themed and I'm gonna die on this hill) & Sempiternal by Bring me the Horizon, Digital Renegade & Everyone's Safe in the Treehouse by I See Stars, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways by Crown the Empire,

Jason Todd's favorite foods: (Also some based in Canon*) Burgers, Chili Dogs*, Lager-style beers, Freshly baked bread*, Neopolitan ice cream, grilled corn, and Chinese Chicken noodle soup with Duck.

Tim:

This boy *slaps car roof* gives off so much asexual energy. I know New 52 exists but I just feel like Tim is the person who really, REALLY has to trust you and like you before he's sexually active with you.

HYPERFIXATES. You also can't tell me Tim isn't on the spectrum/or has ADHD.

Is the only member of the family who regularly checks up on Jason and talks to him every day via text message. The two are memelords together and love to play pranks on the other members.

While Dick may give the most frequent hugs and Jason gives the tightest, most secure hugs, Tim's hugs are always the warmest and make you just feel good.

Tim's birthday is July 19th. Meaning he's a Cancer. Let that sink in.. no, really let that information just soak. (Note I have nothing against Cancer women, cancer men however....)

All of the bat boys really struggle with talking about their feelings. Dick will manipulate you into changing the subject via twisting it to be about you, Jason will just cut you off or will ignore you, Damian will deflect everything and harass you until you stop, Tim however, Tim is very emotional and while he's very calculated about who he's emotional with, he's not afraid to break down and cry if he trusts you.

Everyone who says he's the level headed Robin haha how's it feel to be WRONG. Tim is at best the least functional college student and at worst a lemming. 'No Tim, coffee isn't a meal I'm going to make you some food or I'm going to stick you in a room with Damian for an hour.' Richard (Dick) John Grayson.

People overblow how addicted to caffeine Tim is. But it's true. Just overblown. You can talk to him before he's had his caffeine just don't expect him to be anything but curt and blunt.

Everyone says Jason would be the worst at texting but it's Tim. He's the master of leaving you on read. While Jason may do it on purpose, Tim is just really bad at texting people and while he always will read your messages he forgets to respond unless it's really funny or really pressing.

Everyone sees Tim as this bean pole super skinny boy Robin. Tim may not be stacked like Dick or a freaking tank like Jason, but Tim is NOT super skinny. He's just as muscular and likes to work out as anyone, but he just is super lean, so he looks a lot bigger and his muscles are more defined because of how thin his skin is. He has those almost disgusting spider veins on his arm. Kind of gross to look at, but he's the dream of any nurse. This means Tim is also the king of accidentally sending/posting thirst traps.

He really is the glue of the Bat Family. Everyone kidnaps Tim for 'Tim Time'.

Dick likes to spar with and in general just hang out with Tim. Tim tried to teach Dick how to skateboard and you'd think the boy who mastered the trapeze would know how to skateboard but you'd be wrong.

Babs and Tim always hang out and talk about computer stuff and Babs knows she can vent to Tim about anything and he won't say a word.

Tim and Steph were a thing for a while and even though they're just friends now, they still are very close and the two have a very deep bond, liking to shop with each other and watch movies,

Cass just loves to be around Tim because of how calming he is but also she knows she can spar with him AND Cass can also skateboard with Tim too.

Even though him and Damian are always fighting, the two still end up being together and have this unspoken bond. They work great together on a team but other than that they still hate each other.

And while everyone still is hesitant around Jason, and despite the fact that Jason literally beat Tim to within an inch of his life, AND would still trigger Tim and taunt him about it. The two have this odd closeness that rivals even him and Steph. Tim will always be the first to bat for Jason. Jason was Tim's Robin. And despite the fact Jason literally beat it into Tim's head to "never meet your heroes." Tim will always be there for Jason should he ask. The two are just close. And it's hard to describe. Bruce has caught Tim and Jason just platonically sleeping next to each other or just doing their own things shoulder to shoulder silently, just enjoying each other's company.

Tim and Duke also have a really positive relationship with one another and the two can stay up all night just talking about anything. Their minds just mesh well together. The two also love to team up and prank the other members of the Batman Family.

Tim's favorite ASMR/Stim? Watching those Tik Toks of people cleaning computers or cleaning phones. The sound of an air duster is like music to his ears and if any of the Bats need their technology cleaned it secretly makes Tim so happy to help them.

Wear his hair up or wear his hair down? It depends! While Tim likes his long hair he also has gotten plenty of compliments for his short hair and likes to style it to suit any occasion.

My one pet-peeve with Tim is that he probably is that person who lets his privilege show from time to time. While he was essentially raised to just sit down, shut up, and be a perfect trophy son to the Drake's. The Drake's were in the same tax bracket as Bruce and Tim definitely was a rich kid. He never means to come across as spoiled, but sometimes Jason will give him harsh looks if Tim just throws away food he doesn't like or says things like Chipotle is 'poor people food'

Tim Drake's favorite foods (you know by now*) Donuts*, Shallot and Artichoke Pizza with Canadian Bacon* (odd choice but it could work) Artichokes in general are his favorite vegetable, Strawberries, and Beef Pho.

Damian:

I headcanon that he has the worst teeth of all of the Bat Boys and he actually has to use lingual braces. (Hence why you can't see his braces)

Canonically is a very good artist and while him and Tim don't get along, Tim introduced Damian to digital art and gave him a photoshop pack and a nice tablet for his birthday one year and Damian loved it so much.

Damian is a capricorn and I will die on this hill. A January capricorn too.

Now you want a good chef? You've got Damian. Having converted to veganism Damian has had to get creative whenever he goes out to eat so he tends to like to eat more home cooked foods. Damian loves all matters of mushrooms, eggplant, and bell peppers.

Damian really struggles the most with his wanting to just be a normal kid. Despite the fact he will dismiss you for it, anytime he gets to spend at Gotham Academy with Jon and the rest of the kids he's naturally the happiest.

Damian LOVES to give gifts. He loves the look on people's faces when they are shocked when they actually get something from Damian.

Despite the fact that he's been traumatized from both his times with Ra's and Talia as well as with Bruce. He just wants Bruce and Talia to be together because he loves them both equally.

While he's the least flexible and least gymnastic of the Robins do let your guard down around him. He is the fastest runner and the guy is rivaled only by Jason in terms of lethality.

So someone (Jason Todd & Duke Thomas) introduced Damian to trap music and ever since anytime his phone gets stolen people will be shocked to find he's listening to some combination of Lil' Yachty, X, Kendrick Lamar, Wiz, and Kodak.

If any random person tries to hug Damian he'll immediately push them away, he'll bitch and moan about just about anyone hugging him other than Bruce & Dick.

Damian loves to go to the beach/the ocean. He just thinks it's so vast and he loves the brineness of the air. Also being half white, quarter middle-eastern and quarter Chinese (Yes everyone forgets Talia is half Chinese) Damian gets DARK. And although he's just okay as a swimmer he still likes bogeyboarding and eventually wants to learn how to surf.

I'm genuinely afraid once Puberty is done with this kid and everyone in the family is. He has Bruce Wayne AND Talia Al-Ghouls genes and those are two SEXY human beings. Damian's gonna grow a beard one day and people aren't going to know how to act.

Damian secretly plays Fortnight and not even Jon knows. He doesn't want to get shamed. He'd rather lose a match and ruin his streaks than deal with the shame of anyone in that family finding out he plays Fortnight.

Damian Wayne's favorite foods (canon*) Cereal*, Avocados, Grilled Tempeh, his mom's Tabbouleh, Mushroom Tacos, and Vegan Sushi rolls, and grape juice.

Duke Thomas

Duke is like, freakishly good with a piano, and he picked it up naturally!

Also everyone says Tim brews the best pot of coffee in the Bat Family, cue to everyone's surprise when Tim was sick one day and couldn't make a pot. Only to find the coffee was freaking amazing. Duke didn't take any credit at first until Alfred let it slip that Duke was the one who brewed the pot.

Duke being the only Meta of the family originally thought he was the double-token because he was a Meta and a black boy. Needless to say his fears were seriously unfounded the moment he got to know everyone.

Although he somewhat fears Jason and his temper initially, he and Jason have one of the closest relationships in the family. If Tim isn't around to bat for Jason, Duke will happily take his spot. The two work on each other's bikes and grew to share the same taste in music.

Duke uses his Photokenetic powers as a force for good and for shenanigans. Jason wants to play a prank on Dick and Damian while Dick is reading Damian a story? Duke will hide Jason in the shadows and will cover up his shadow. Alfred dropped something in the dark? You better believe Duke will find it in 3 seconds or less.

Duke makes it a point to visit his parents every weekend to talk to them. Although they are making some progress in their recoveries, it's still slow going. Eventually, he starts bringing members of the family to see his parents. It started with Cass, then Jason, and the rest followed suit.

Duke loves playing video games with Damian and even helps Damian beat some tougher levels when Damian is about to rage and destroy the console.

Duke is into Magic the Gathering and you cannot tell me otherwise. Duke also is the DM for the Bat Kids annual D&D games. I can and will make a D&D Batfam Headcanons if asked.

Loves Pho just as much as Cass and Tim and they all call it a date night every now and then where they can go to a hole in the wall pho place. It's really a secret between the three of them.

DUKE THOMAS IS THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE BAT BOYS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. HE JUST THRIVES IN THE WATER.

Finding out his birth father is a supervillain was really tough for him. He went into a shell for a little bit afterwards. Cass and Steph were there to help talk him out of his funk.

Duke Thomas's favorite foods (lol what canon DC hasn't acknowleged our boy in a while..) Chicken Pho, Thai Iced Tea, Papaya, Crab Cakes, Italian Hoagies, his mom's Lemon Poundcake, mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I hope y'all enjoyed! Up next (eventually) will be the Bat Girls!

#Dick Grayson #Batfam #Batboys #Jason Todd #Tim Drake #Damian Wayne #Duke Thomas #Bruce Wayne #Barbara Gordon #Cassandra Cain #Stephanie Brown #Headcanons #Slight OOC but hey If DC can't stay in character neither should I

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restlesswondergirl · 6 years

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The Pros and Cons of Dating Apps. Are they right for you?

In my work as a mental health counselor and relationship consultant, I get asked a lot about my thoughts around dating apps and dating websites, and whether or not I believe they are effective in helping to form long-term meaningful and healthy relationships. I myself, as a single woman have been a member of several apps and sites for dating, and I hear stories from my friends and family about their experiences from these dating apps as well. I've recently attended several weddings for couples who met online, and have seen first hand with them how much these sites benefitted them. However, I have questioned many times whether or not these apps have been right for me, and for others that have worked with me as clients. I've personally had a mixed bag of experiences being involved with the apps for dating, and I do have a lot of thoughts, questions and concerns around this form of dating.

Overall, technology is a big part of our lives nowadays. Not just with dating apps, but in how we communicate with each other in all our relationships. Living in San Francisco, the technology is even more a part of my day to day. We are surrounded by tech companies here, and almost every service or idea has been turned into an app to use. Our whole social interaction culture has been transformed by the tech industries, and continues to transform as the technological advances continue to transpire. Technology is never consistent in our world, and we are becoming more and more high tech each and every day. I think it leaves some of us feeling a bit empty, and reminiscing on the good ole days before we were so "connected". That is connected with our tech, but are we really so connected with each other compared to years before? Are these dating apps, and ways of communicating really contributing to making things more efficient and successful in our relationships? Or are they hindering us in making and maintaining authentic connections with others? There are clearly pros and cons to everything, and there is a lot of debate around what those pros and cons are with our tech world today.

With dating specifically, I have outlined my thoughts below on the pros and cons of these apps and our tech that aid in the dating process, and what I believe needs to be considered when we are figuring out whether or not these methods are right for us.

PROS:

1. When in-person interactions are difficult for you to initiate or commit to...

For those introverts out there, or those who consider themselves shy, maybe those with social anxiety, or those who just don't enjoy partaking in social activities - I can see the apps being useful in connecting with people that you otherwise would not have the opportunity to cross paths with from traditional in-person social activities since that is not your norm. The apps can maybe help those with social anxiety gain more confidence in putting themselves out there socially online instead of the pressure of in-person interactions. Online interactions demand less effort from us, so on one hand this can be a low-pressure environment for those who have anxiety in social settings.

Additionally for those who work long hours, or are in school, it may be difficult to get out and be social as much as someone with more time on their hands. When I was in grad school, it was helpful to have the sites as I was not going out a lot and meeting new people. If anything, my social time was restricted to people already in my life, doing more low-key comfortable activities that did not invite space for meeting other people. I would make time for the dates, but was not usually planning to go out and meet new people during my normal weekly routine as I had to study whenever possible. The apps were helpful in that I could connect online first, in an easy and effortless way, without needing to rearrange my life, I then could feel it out and make the plans to meet up in a way that fit into my current busy schedule if I felt that there was potential there.

2. Ability to clearly state some of your needs and desires on your profile...

While it's not always acknowledged and considered as a perk of this technology, the profile space is a great way to put out very directly what you are looking for in a partner. It also is a space for you to write out some of your hobbies and interests so that it's easier for potential partners to determine compatibility level. It allows for a very practical approach if you are wanting to take advantage of it, however not everyone does because they are very concerned with how their profile appears to others, and whether or not being so direct and honest here will get the "likes" that feed into their self-esteem. They are not always thinking if it is attracting the RIGHT others based on what's written there, and are instead more so concerned about their "brand image" and the NUMBER of likes/swipes/interest that they receive. But I'll go into that a bit more below in the cons section...

As the pro here - if you are wanting a practical way to connect, and wanting to know upfront some of what you would be getting into, this may be helpful. Some people skip over this when looking at other profiles, by just swiping right based on a picture alone, however you can learn a lot from the profile and with other aspects of the app (the screening questions you can fill out for more match information on Ok Cupid for example) aside from the pictures- so it is highly encouraged for this to be considered. Especially for some specific needs and preferences, like sexual orientation and sexual preferences (Kink, BDSM, etc.), or even religious values that are important to you in a mate - this space can create an easier way for establishing clear expectations, communication, and compatibility around certain activities.

3. A recent article entitled "Modern Love" from the August 18th 2018 issue of The Economist publication has stated the following PROS based in research...

"Digital dating offers better outcomes. Research has found that marriages in America between people who meet online are likely to last longer; such couples profess to be happier than those who met offline"

"It's a plus for those with very particular requirements. Jdate allows daters to filter out matches who would not consider converting to Judaism, for instance"

"70% of gay people meet their partners online. The searchable spectrum of sexual diversity is a boon: more people can find the intimacy they seek"

"Evidence suggests that the internet is boosting interracial marriages by bypassing homogenous social groups."

4. What others had to say about the PROS of dating via apps and online...

"Feeling free with it, ability to message people without restrictions. Also I really liked the screening questions on Ok Cupid where they rated our compatibility. It made it easier to determine"

"As a female, I think Bumble is great because I can message them and avoid the creepy messages like on the other sites. I have the control here and can get a better feel if they're actually interested"

"Generally my experience with dating apps has been good, it's good to meet people you may never cross paths with on your day to day routine. Between work, school and family there isn't much time left simply to hang out at stereotypical dating spots to meet people organically"

"If it doesn't work out, there are others on there. If someone doesn't respond or match with you back, it's not as harsh as it would be if in-person"

CONS:

1. Absence of body language and in-person energy...

A lot of the magic of meeting someone is through the in-person connection - the natural energy and chemistry that's there between the two people, and the body language that's part of the communication. Through the apps, it relies solely on your written, verbal communication, and attraction based on still photographs that do not capture the full depth of a person's being and attractiveness. Have you ever had a crush on someone based on their personality and mannerisms, and energy that they gave off? I'm sure you have, where seeing a picture of them and brief description wouldn't cut it. There are also people who are not the best at communicating with their words. The apps do not cater to these factors. Of course after the first date with this person, you can notice whether or not you two are a good match in those ways, but the app doesn't factor that into the initial part of the attraction process. The matches and attraction then is catered to those who show up a certain way in their pictures and writing, which leaves out a lot of people, not giving everyone the fair chance. Additionally, communication through text messaging and messaging through the apps leaves out emotion and tone. It is easy to misunderstand the other in these forms of communication, especially when you are just starting to get to know someone. Once you know them better, it's easier to gather their intentions through text and direct messaging. We all have a pretty good idea with our friends and family on what they are intending when they send messages our way, we can picture their tone of voice, and have a better security within the conversation, however with new people, texting and messaging can be a little less clear at first. If a lot of the relationship development is done through this method of communication, in my opinion a lot can be lost in translation. A lot of assumptions can be made, and a lot can go unsaid or unnoticed.

2. Easy to avoid your deep-seated emotional issues...

So as I mentioned earlier, some people may rely on this matching process as a way to improve their self-esteem and boost their ego. The more likes you get online, or matches you have, the more attractive you are right? The more popular you are and choices you have right? So in this case you must be feeling great! For some, they may feel more "secure" the more likes and matches they have. But this may be a false sense of security, and may reinforce staying in this bubble, and prevent the person from moving beyond it for a deeper, more authentic connection. In this case, it may be addicting to stay at that high of feeling powerful and special from all the swiping and matches. It becomes a game to figure out for ultimate power and control. If you add a specific type of photo or caption in the profile, maybe you will get more likes, and therefore you WIN! at least there is a short lived feeling of winning a game. If you don't feel that self-validation often in other places of your life or within yourself, this can be very alluring. However, why are you so reliant on this validation? Are those connections/matches real at this point? Do they define you and your self-worth? Someone likes your picture or your profile, but do they really know you? Are they true relationship material? Do you think you two will actually be compatible and have what it takes to build a deeper connection? For some, they may not be confident in their abilities to form that deeper connection, or there may be a lot of FEAR in taking the next steps for that. There may be a lot of insecurity that leads them to rely on those likes/matches for the validation. If this sounds familiar - What is leading you to feel this way? And is online dating really the healthiest modality for you to be a part of in addressing these underlying issues? I do not think so. Someone who does not have this strong sense of self, and who is so heavily reliant on external validation, inclusive of these apps, are ultimately going to be left with a continued feeling of emptiness when it comes to their sense of self, and left with no sense of internal validation or confidence. Feeling confident and strong in yourself ultimately leads to a stronger relationship with others. One needs to be secure in their worth, their needs, and their desires in order to find the right person to accommodate that and in order to communicate those things within a relationship.

3. Easy to avoid direct communication...

It is always easier to avoid directly communicating with others when it's not face to face. Overall - the apps and the texting communication world we live in allows for communication avoidance in many ways. Confrontation is difficult for some, and these apps allow some a sense of anonymity that is easy to fall back into if you are never wanting to see the person again. There have been many times where I go on a first date with someone, and then never hear from them again. We aren't normally in the same social circles, we do not have a schedule where we would normally cross paths, so the only route to communication is through the app or through our phone numbers if we exchanged them. It is very easy with this technology to "ghost" the other individual by not responding or never reach out to them again if we aren't feeling the connection. There is no pressure to face them again in-person and explain ourselves and our feelings. This sounds great on one hand, but is it really fair to the other individual who invested some time and effort into the interaction? What's the big deal in directly addressing what didn't work out, or just simply saying "I don't see this going forward from here, great going out and meeting you". Why is it so hard to just say ANYTHING at all?

Direct communication can be avoided in multiple ways, however the most common one I see and hear about is the "ghosting" epidemic we are now in. These people you are meeting on the apps are not just items you are looking for and purchasing on Amazon. We are starting to treat the people we date like that, like objects for online purchase. Trying them out and if they don’t work out just returning them to the site, forgetting about them and moving on. However these are real people with real lives with valuable time and money and emotional vulnerability that they are investing in going out on dates with you, and we owe it to them to be mature enough to break things off directly. It can be as simple as, “hey it’s been really fun hanging out but I don’t think I can see us dating long term” If they ask why you can tell them some concerns around the chemistry, compatibility etc. it is OKAY to be honest, and do it in a way that’s mature and not damaging towards the other person. We cannot control another person's reaction, and that may be difficult to see in response to what we are communicating, however in my opinion, in order to build authentic and trusting relationships going forward, we owe it to others to be honest and genuine. It is also a way to practice direct communication that will come in handy in other aspects of your life.

Bottom line is humans deserve respect. Blowing them off after investing time together is just plain rude. And it leaves unresolved questions of what happened. Being ghosted leads to a fear of this happening again. A fear of getting close with someone and then them disappearing with no explanation. Leaving us feeling insecure and vulnerable. Feeling a distrust in the process going forward and that the closer we get, the more the chance someone will vanish out of thin air. Ghosting creates more and more insecure attachment issues (from a psychological standpoint). Ghosting is cowardly in my opinion - It is done out of fear, so it’s good to address that fear head on and see how well ghosting addresses that underlying issue. In this case, you are therefore taking out your own personal issues on others, effecting them in a negative way because you are afraid to face your problems directly. Even if it’s become the norm we have to change it. No one likes being ghosted. They just don’t. So what can those fears be? - Are you terrified of rejection? Well then let’s take a deeper look at how to build up your self-esteem more without relying on that external validation of dating, where you can expect that sometimes rejection happens and it doesn't have to always be a personal attack on your self-esteem. It happens where some people just don’t match. Some people won’t like you and vice versa, but it does not mean there is something wrong with you. Being afraid of hearing a rejection directly, or being afraid of giving that rejection directly due to fear of hurting someone too badly, or out of guilt of not liking the person on the same level is avoidance at it's finest. Not telling them the truth is doing them a disservice. They will never know if you liked them back. They will be set on the times when things were good and be shocked in what happened. They will make assumptions and possibly internalize what has happened to create more fear going forward. Ghosting is avoiding the realities of life, and creates a never ending cycle of fear, which ultimately helps no one. Maybe you went too quickly in the relationship and regret it but can’t face that regret? Maybe you thought you were wanting a relationship, but realize that it's not what you want with this person, but you assume that's what they want with you and don't want to let them down after you mislead them? Overall, It is never a good idea to act out of fear or avoidance as the personal problem within yourself will become a problem on a greater level, projecting the fear onto others.

4. Easy to become addicted to attention...

As we already mentioned, a person can become very addicted to the attention they receive from the apps and figure out a way to play a game with the system, to boost more matches and likes, and therefore become reliant on the high of feeling powerful and special. It's mostly people without a secure sense of themselves and low self-esteem that fall most vulnerable to this, and people with this insecure attachment style - those with a deep fear of getting closer with others.

5. A recent article entitled "Modern Love" from the August 18th 2018 issue of The Economist publication has stated the following CONS based in research...

"Negative emotions about body image has amplified"

"Digital dating has been linked to depression"

"10% of all newly created dating profiles do not belong to real people"

"daters are more likely to choose partners like themselves" and it's easier with the filter options available for searching

coders and algorithms from the few companies out there have a lot of control on who is matched and why. They determine who sees who, giving them a lot of power in who you see while swiping.

"on Tantan, a Chinese app, men express interest in 60% of women they see, but women are interested in just 6% of men; this dynamic means that 5% of men never receive a match"

6. What others had to say about the CONS of dating via apps and online...

"on most apps/sites there are a bunch of creepy messages, and people who will outwardly show no respect in how they address you. Only commenting on my photos and making sexual advances without even asking whether that's what I want from here or not. They don't hold back."

"the fear that some people have is being cat-fished. That fear leads to the most random and intrusive requests to ensure they are getting the person advertised as if they are buying a product on Amazon! Why are you asking me my dimensions and you would like to see a 365 digital image? Especially if you have full body pics posted. If you want to see me in these ways before we meet maybe online dating is not for you. It is a huge turn off to women to be asked very personal questions and for more detailed photos even before you meet up."

"I'm worried about co-workers or others seeing my profile online, and finding out details that I don't want them to know. For instance, I'm a recovering alcoholic who prefers to date sober people. I want to put something out on my profile about that, but I don't want others to know that. Additionally, I identify as bi-sexual and am not out to certain others in my life about it"

"you may miss someone who would be an ideal match but you have to find them in the flood of 'heys' and 'whats up' which often lead to an abundance of time wasters. it is difficult to decipher who is on there for monogamous relationships or for hookups. dating apps are supposed to make it easier, but often times it feels like much more work than it's worth"

**Now here's the thing... this technology and the dating apps are not going anywhere. With these pros and cons in mind, this calls for some deeper exploration and preparation to see whether these apps are right for us, and how to navigate them in a smart way. So if we are wanting to be involved, or if we find that we have no other choice to be involved in some of it, what can we do to make sure we are sticking to what's right for us? How can we make the best of it, even given the cons that are out there? Below is my advice on this...

1 - Set your expectations differently...

Know what to look for in setting yourself up for more success and happiness with the process. Know what you are looking for in a partner, and what questions to ask or information to look for on the profile to get that. If their profile clearly states that they are looking for an open relationship but you are wanting something more monogamous and long-term, DO NOT SWIPE RIGHT!! and feel confident in that decision.

Also expect that the person on the other end may not be completely upfront and authentic with their profile, so asking direct questions may be more necessary to get what you're needing. Putting information out there in a more direct way may get you less likes from those who are not ready for that, but that's okay since they may not be ready for the same authenticity you are just yet - meaning they are not compatible with you right now. If you are looking for something more casual and not about that, put that out there so that you are not misinforming anyone else.

Expecting that others may be dating other people while dating you, or may continue to swipe may be something as well. If that is something you want to avoid - then state that clearly on your profile or in conversation directly with the other person.

If you are looking for more in-person or phone call conversations to get to know the person, then suggest that, but expect that in this is a texting day and age, not everyone will be as down for that. If not, then move on to someone who would be.

The whole purpose of dating is to find someone to be compatible with your needs, whatever those needs are, not just making yourself attractive to others with their needs, or to get "likes" or "matches" for attention. Being true to your needs and desires, and putting it out there for others is something you need to be able to feel more security around, no matter the response. Sometimes compromise is necessary in a relationship, but it's important to reflect upon what is a non-negotiable and what can be more flexible.

If getting a certain amount of likes or matches results in effecting your self-esteem and ego negatively, even if you were true to yourself, then I believe there is more self-reflection to do around those concerns before moving forward with the dating process.

2 - Check in with yourself - your emotions, insecurities, etc...

What are your intentions and needs and how is your current activity with the apps and sites serving you in positive ways around these things? How is the app helping you to communicate this to others? How is your communication outside of the app (texting, in person activities together, etc.) all helping or hindering this process of getting to know one another?

What behaviors or mindsets may need to change?

For instance - are you swiping late at night when you're feeling bored or lonely? If so maybe those feelings need to be addressed in different ways, on a deeper level, to truly console them and move to the solutions you really need, as swiping out of boredom will not solve this. True feelings of loneliness cannot be solved by quick connections online with others, it takes more time and effort to fill those gaps. And sometimes it means working on the relationships you already have in your life, including your relationship with yourself, a bit more in filling some of that. There are people that have so many friends and family members, and even plenty of romantic suitors, that we may assume will never feel alone, however they still feel lonely for some reason - why is that? That is something for each person feeling this way to explore on an individual basis. You can be connected with someone, but not TRULY connect. There can be issues in the communication and the intimacy that need to be resolved. So while continuing to swipe and meet new people can be helpful in some ways, true connection is a lot deeper than swiping and exchanging information, and if there are barriers to you getting to that deeper level, it will never get better in any relationship until you address those barriers head on. Process this a bit more extensively so that a negative pattern does not continue. Journal about it, see a therapist, confide in a friend, go on long walks to self reflect - whatever you have to do! but do it. it's worth it in building long term, deeper, more authentic relationships.

Do you ever go on an awesome first date with someone you met on the app, yet you still find the need, or even out of habit you continue swiping and looking for more options? Why do you think you do this? What purpose does it serve? Is it out of fear, insecurity, boredom? Or maybe you are non-monogamous in nature and should be stating this on your dating profile and filters? These are important feelings and behaviors to pay attention to if you truly are serious about connecting with someone else in a partnership long-term. Otherwise some of these hidden feelings may come out later to negatively effect your relationships.

What rules are we sticking to? We all are brought up with internalized narratives about the world, others, and ourselves that effect all that we do. We especially have all learned societal rules around dating. Are they practical in getting what we really want and need out of a relationship? Are they practical in building the foundations for an authentic relationship ? Recently, I faced this with myself. I was dating someone who drifted off from contacting me. I was unclear to what his interests were in moving forward. In my mind, like a broken record, I kept thinking "the guy always needs to initiate the conversation", "don't be too eager at first, or ask too many questions at first because then I will come off as a clingy girl and scare him away". Later I realized, listening to these thoughts prevented me from acting authentically as myself, and kept me in this negative cycle of playing a superficial role, and playing a win-lose game with this guy. Truthfully, I did not care to win or lose here, I just wanted to build an authentic relationship going forward and find out directly what was going on. If he wasn't interested anymore, I felt that I deserved to know so that I could move on. If more frequent communication was important to me in building a relationship, I had a right to put it out there and see if he was on the same page. All of these things are important to openly speak out about in building an authentic relationship with others. However, too often we silence ourselves, and direct communication in relationships about our needs, or asking what's on the mind of others to make sure we are on the same page becomes very taboo. I want to encourage people to fight against that mentality and do what works best for them AUTHENTICALLY; what aligns best with their identity.

3. Be you, be true, be direct...

Make your profile and search authentic to who you are. Be direct in your needs and set boundaries when you feel the need to (do not send nudes or body dimensions if you feel uncomfortable, do not meet at a bar if you don't feel comfortable there)

4. Feeling overwhelmed with the inflow of messages or options? give yourself a limit for screen time with the app each day or week...

Focus on one person at a time or limit yourself to only a small amount at a time for messaging, dating etc. If you are messaging and dating more than one person at a time ask yourself why that is and if that's truly the best route for you in deepening connections with someone new. If you are spending hours a day on the site, also ask how productive that is in balancing the rest of your life.

5. Remember you cannot find out everything about someone via online/technological modalities. Sometimes in-person is necessary to move things along…

You will have to meet in person eventually to figure out whether it’s a go or not in moving the relationship further. You cannot get all the information you need from a person by simply relying on the dating app profile or messages via your phone or computer. You may need to go out of your comfort zone to meet the person in real life. And you have to expect that the in person interaction may change things. Not everyone who connects online will connect in person. And compatibility is only one part of the equation, chemistry is needed as well.

**IN CONCLUSION, it takes a lot of work on understanding who you are as a person, what you believe in, what you're interests are, and what your needs are in moving forward with a strong, healthy relationship.

Apps can help boost the efficiency of the matching process if we set our expectations right and are aware of what to reflect more deeply on.

I wish everyone the best on their dating journeys! May the happy relationships blossom from here! Message or comment if you have any thoughts or questions :)

#dating #datingapps #relationships #psychology #self-esteem #confidence #relationshipconsulting #mentalhealth #selfreflection #technology #communication

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