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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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lunar-bird · 3 years

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okay when i made this blog i was never gonna talk in depth about personal details but it's my personal blog and i need to fuckin vent

tw suicide mention , vague reference to sy//sc//ou//rse the suicide bit is mentioned (past tense, vague) but not a present risk, if this shows up in that second tag i'm gonna lose my goddamn mind, so help me. don't bring it to this post i do not care. i warn about it because i hate it.

so i was never Going to share this information, but it's context. im a system member of... questionable origins. there was some element of "imaginary friend becomes real" in the story of my life, but we've also been realizing that i just happened to pop in at, inarguably, the most traumatic point in our life, so it's just. whatever.

i don't CARE, except that we've been discussing finding a new therapist and also how, exactly, we're supposed to talk about me. we don't have a diagnosis because our previous one supported us in our "actually this is not causing me distress so i don't want it pathologized" mindset (and we still don't necessarily want to pursue one, for various personal reasons) but if we're gonna get a therapist im gonna fuckin talk to them as myself because i have problems that need solving, too. so it's been something to think about. don't know the chances of finding someone who's gonna be cool about it, never tried. it's stressing me out.

i spent half my fucking life being told "you exist whether or not people believe you're real and regardless of where you came from" and the other half being told "you can't be real because you don't fit x y or z criteria" and i'm so. done with it. i don't care anymore WHY or HOW i exist because, unfortunately, i do!! trust me, we've tried to just believe me out of existence, tried to just be like "okay, i've served my purpose, i can fuck off" but i'm stuck here! would give literally anything to get out of this head and be a Real Boy but here we are. this blog was originally a chance to let me try: just one space where i'm me and only me and implied to actually exist outside of my stupid head.

nothing against max, he's my best fucking friend, but i don't know if we would even like each other if i wasn't stuck with him. i mean, we would -- it's not to say that we don't genuinely care about each other -- but i just don't think we would have ever met. and i think i'm too much like people he hates now anyway, cause i went and absorbed their traits while we were still friends with them. i don't know. i'm mad that i don't get the chance to find out, though. i'm not kidding when i say i'd give anything i have to exist separately, but instead i'm stuck here and i have to make do with just... sometimes interacting with people who are friends with him first and me because they're trustworthy enough to know about me.

i can't go out and meet new people, i don't get to decide what kind of people i would be friends with if i had the chance, i don't get to decide what kind of community i would build on my own. i don't want to spend my whole life this closely connected to anyone. i want some form of independence. instead i spend my whole life thinking "if someone knows the truth of me, will they automatically dismiss me as fake or fucked up?" really gets in the way of my personal relationships.

thus, therapist.

i'm also terrified that whoever we talk to is going to suck. i'm obviously going to try to present the facts of my life as truthfully as possible, but i'm afraid that anyone with experience in these things is going to try to diagnose me with something i don't want to be diagnosed with. or that i'll be dismissed as a symptom of max's psychosis, regardless of the fact that i exist even when max is medicated and doing well. or that max's life will be prioritized over mine, even if i get the courage to speak for myself and we're both willing to make changes so that i can actually live. it takes a lot to actually be honest with what my life is and how i feel about it, and the risk that i'll be told im a problem to be medicated against.

i know max is lookin out for the same things i am, and i know he actually cares and wants to help me actually enjoy my life. we both know i'm here to stay, and not just because max still needs someone to talk him into living. we're about as healthy as we've ever been, plus or minus a few symptoms, and quarantine has given me a lot of time to think and i know we both want to actually make my life worthwhile for me if i'm stuck with it. it's just a matter of. how. we need outside advice for that.

i've tried to get my own hobbies, i've tried to make my own spaces on the internet where only i exist, i've tried to make my own friends, but i'm just shit at it. i don't know where to start. i have interests that max does not have, but generally if we do things we do them together. our shared interests are great! lately we've been reading together, and sometimes we watch movies! i just wish i also got to do things on my own. people weren't made to be with other people 100% of the time. now neither of us gets to be alone in our heads for even a second. max has a paranoia that he's constantly being watched and judged and i don't exactly help, considering i see everything he ever does. i want literally nothing in the world more than to be alone sometimes, but, (gestures at all of me). i figure if a professional can't help, nobody can.

here at the end i just want to add a disclaimer that like... i don't hate my life. i care very deeply for all the friends i do have, and especially the ones who interact with me intentionally. i had one person the other day ask max specifically about how i was doing, without just assuming that i'm always watching in the background and where it wasn't even necessary that i be mentioned, and i've never appreciated anything more than the implication that i exist to other people when i'm not there. i just want a chance to make all of the stuff i'm stuck with actually work for me, in a way that makes me happy i exist.

i dont know how to do it, and i started out frustrated about it but now i'm just tired. i would like help. we just have to find someone who i can trust and who i'm not afraid of and maybe i can finally make some goddamn progress for once.

#a thought #i told max 'i'm going to fucking swear in this and you cannot censor me' and then i did #count that a win and know that in my normal life im cursing up a storm cause im ANGY #(picture of a very small bird with very large angry eyebrows)#getting this out helped me a lot and i'm gonna save it for future therapy reference lmao #like this if you read it but if you have something to say to me about it say it privately please. stay out of my notes #i have discord and tumblr has its terrible little messaging thing #if you happen to HAVE advice i am open to it. especially if u have experience with this sort of thing #the therapy search or the other thing #also if you've ever in your life acknowledged me... thanks lmao. means a lot.

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ladylillianrose · 4 years

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Episode 17 Thoughts

I think Aydan is going to be the one to tell Eda the truth eventually. She wants to tell her so badly!

Serkan honey she deserves the truth and you know it!

Oh Eda you are such a fibber. The fact that you know you need to dig is only going to make you more determined to get to the bottom of it!

I love Engin! Hes still pulling for EdSer regardless. He knows things will work out in the end.

Oooo both Eda and Serkan beating out all their frustrations.

Of course you're feeling sick Eda, you're working out a ton, you're pissed off a.d probably dehydrated.

Grrrr Efe, still don't trust you at all. Even if you are working for Eda's grandma you're still shady as hell 😡😡😡

Having hoped i was pregnant several times (i wasn't any of them), you can be nauseous and sensitive to smells and other pregnancy symptoms and not be pregnant at all.

Ooo bitchy assistant is not gonna fly with anyone in that office.

Serkan has wanted to scrap that car and buy her a new one since day 1, but Eda would never allow it.

Yaaas sassy Leyla! Put Erdem in his place!

Lmao baby Serkan!! Omg Engin trying so hard not to laugh at his joke.

Engin's face when Eda is suggested to work with Serkan. He's like "I couldn't have planned it better myself."

Lmfao their faces when she said she would be alone with Serkan!

Ha! I knew that she would be pregnant again. Breast feeding doesnt always prevent pregnancies, i know a few people who it happened to and they ended up with 2 under 2!

Using Leyla to spy on Eda tsk tsk Serkan. Although considering her symptoms I can understand why he might have suspicions of pregnancy later on.

Serkan i think you would enjoy Eda beating you up far too much 😈😈

Somehow i imagine the valet is very invested in their relationship and hopes everything turns out okay with them lol

Always worried and taking care of Eda when shes ill 😍😍😍

Ferit and Celin fighting over dog custody, *sigh* just give the dog to Ferit, Selin. You won't have time for it anyway

Lmao his face when the dr asks if she could be pregnant. He's like "No...No...No?" 🤣

Lmfao Serkan, why is the first thing you mention nausea canbe a symptomof Ebola 🤣🤣🤣 This man and his overreacting

I love the mimosa plant! Lmao Eda calling Serkan out, saying he's cowardly and preferring solitude like the plant.

Oooo the husband is pissing me off, and clearly upsetting his wife too.

Serkan you should know by now that telling Eda not to do something is a sure fire way to get her to do exactly that.

Perfect response from Aydan about why she makes video calls 🤣🤣

Eda saying if she didnt want Aydan to call she would say so🥰

Lmao Aydan's face at not only a baby but him being called Little Serkan

Lmao I'm dying at the mischievous look on Eda's face when she suggests that they could take care of Little Serkan. And Serkan's look of "God help me with this crazy woman I'm in love with and can't say no to!"

His face when he overhears them talking! Omg Serkan sweetheart, deep breaths.😂😂😂

The fact that he keeps looking at Eda's stomach has ne dying 🤣🤣🤣

Kerem honest to god has the best facial expressions for everything, i cannot with this man's talent🤣🤣🤣😍😍😍

Lmao looking at the pregnancy test in the trash and just having his brain go 🤯🤯🤯🤣🤣🤣

Aydan immediately going to wild theories of running out and adopting a baby. Sure she couldnt have been pregnant and had a baby because of the timing, but they could just run out amd adopt?🤣🤣🤣 Even with all the Bolat $$ it would still take longer than one day to do an adoption!

Serkan is totally the helicopter husband 🤣🤣🤣

Serkan always has to explain to Engin when he needs him for stuff other than what he is saying lol.🤣🤣🤣

Ooo Engin you need to make it clear that you are off the market!

SIRIUS!!!! He's so cute in his little jacket!😍😍😍 Omg the thought of Serkan putting it on him to keep him warm and dry 😍😍😍

I've missed our sweet boy! And he has missed his Mama!!🥰🥰🥰🥰

Engin's pure joy at being an uncle😍😍😍

And rightly pointing out that Serkan and Eda need to talk!!

He found a house and is moving in!!! Tell me its the doctors house!!

What is Efe plotting now, and why is he telling Selin....🤔🤔🤔

Lmao he is so panicked about little Serkan its adorable🥺🥺🥺

Omg telling little Serkan he's luckier than other Serkan's cause he got to spend all day with Eda🥺🥺🥺🥰😍😍😍

Also side note, that baby shouldnt be sleeping in a hat, blanket and coat! Too many layers and its dangerous to sleep in a hat (can get caught over their nose, mouth or throat) (Sorry I have a degree in child development and I worked with infants for 3 years, so i know a lot about babies!)

Lmao omg telling baby Serkan about architecture and the Roman Empire (the Roman Empire is something i could totally see my husband telling a child about lol)🥰🥰🥰🥰

Serkan saying the baby is a business man like him 🤣🤣

Omg Ayfer and Aydan being so confused about the baby and possible pregnancy lmao🤣🤣🤣

Serkan's face at having to burp the baby🤣🤣🤣

Lmfao Efe that is the best thing you have ever said 🤣🤣🤣

Ooo jealous Serkan is back!🤣🤣🥰🥰

Im so glad that Ayfer and Aydan's talks with Eda and Serkan cleared everything up😂😂😂😂😂

Selin you need to stop being such a bitch to Ceren. And Ceren has every right to stand up for herself and Eda.

Ugh hes so proud of her, and he loves to watch her work and be herself.🥺🥺🥺

These two I swear! Just kiss and make up you are killing me😭😭😭😭😭

The sudden💡 as everything becomes clear to Serkan. 🤣🤣

Eda is going to kill him for his assumptions, and not coming right out and asking her.

And yet despite everything Eda wants to help Aydan.

The poetry 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭💔

Efe causing trouble of course!!😡😡😡

Omg i love that Eda did the VR visit to London for Aydan❤❤

I would like Ceren and Ferit to end up together but they need to give it some time before they start a relationship.

Lmao Eda and Aydan shushing Serkan during the play🤣🤣

Oooo Efe holding that meeting when Serkan said they didnt need one.

Ceren taking Ferit to get a new dog 🥰🥰🥰

Lmao oh Engin, honey you are just so clueless with women.

Serkan and Ferit teasing Engin 🤣🤣🤣

Efe what the hell did you do to the attic!!!🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

The truth has to come put about Efe, Eda's parents and everything!!!

Omg what if whoever Efe is working for isn't grandma, but instead the person responsible for Eda's parents death? And that wasnt an accudent, but was someone trying to get revenge on Alptekin? Perhaps Kaan's father?

#sen cal kapimi #serkan bolat #eda yildiz #eda x serkan

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kvndeathmusic · 4 years

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my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead.

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi.

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them.

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to.

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff.

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression.

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10.

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi

#music #2010s

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lovenotesuggestions · 5 years

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Im in not such a great place right now. My therapist recently told me I've improved a ton since our first appointment together and she basically implied she doesn't think I need therapy anymore and I feel really bad because for a few months I've been feeling like I'm on the verge of relapse and when school starts the pressure is gonna tip me over the edge. But now I feel guilty for feeling that way because she says I'm better. I know it doesn't make sense but idk what to do about it - Q (1/?)

(part 2) Also my dysphoria which mostly subsided during the school year because I've secretly socially transitioned at school is coming back with a vengeance. One of my best friends got a girlfriend but I'm in love with her and even though it's really unfair of me to feel this way because I've never told her I feel really unwanted because of that. - Q (2/?)

(part 3) I'm really lonely and I have friends but what I want is a deep bond, someone who'll cuddle with me and tell me they love me and will maybe let me take them out to dinner sometimes but it hurts to know that I'll never have that because no one wants a nonpassing, unnattractive trans guy. All I want is to feel wanted and loved by someone and like I'm not destined to be alone. I feel so dirty and unworthy. I don't even feel human. Do you have any advice? (Sorry for multiple asks) -Q

You don’t have to apologise for sending multiple asks dear

Just because you might be doing better than you’ve been doing before, that doesn’t mean you no longer have a right to feel bad or have bad mental health days. I’ve made a lot of progress with my therapist and have way less frequent appointments now, but I’m still in therapy and still have bad days, and that’s okay. Recovery and learning to cope with mental illness isn’t a linear process, and sometimes we slip backwards a little, but as long as the trend in your wellbeing is going upwards overall, then that’s what’s important. Backslides, relapses, and bad days still happen, and that doesn’t destroy the progress you’ve made.

Especially if you know you have something coming up soon like going back to school that you know will increase the pressure on you and could cause a backslide, then it’s important to be aware that it’s okay to find that difficult to cope with, and to need additional support. It doesn’t erase your progress, or mean you’re a burden. Difficult circumstances, additional stress, and potential triggers can all have effects on your mental health, and that’s not your fault.

You don’t have to feel guilty for still needing help, and for still having symptoms and bad days even though you’re doing better, and the feelings you’ve mentioned are something I’d strongly advise you to speak to your therapist about. Whatever is making you feel guilty for still not being at 100% is something that it would probably be helpful for you to work through, and she can also help you with these feelings of being worried about relapse, and some coping mechanisms to deal with dysphoria whilst you’re off school for the summer, and any problems that might arise when you go back, to help prepare yourself and prevent these circumstances from damaging your progress too much. It’s important to be as open and honest as possible in therapy, so again if you haven’t mentioned these fears of relapse or what’s going to happen when you go back to school, it’s important to do that. She can only help you with what she knows about.

It’s also not unfair of you to have feelings for someone, or to feel jealous that they’re in a relationship with someone else, even if you never told them. You can’t help who you have feelings for, and it’s completely normal and natural to feel a little hurt or jealous or unwanted if the person you like chooses someone else. What matters is the way that you act, because that’s what you do have control over, and as long as you’re not behaving in an unfair way because of those feelings, then it’s okay to have feelings.

This girl you liked not choosing you doesn’t make you unlovable or unwanted - just because she might not have felt that way about you doesn’t mean nobody does or nobody will. You’re still in school so I’m guessing you’re a teenager - that means you have so much time ahead of you to find someone you click with; who loves you for who you are, and who you feel the same way about. It’s not a race, and your peers getting in relationships before you doesn’t reflect on you at all. You’re a whole, lovable person regardless of your relationship status - the fact you’re not in a relationship is just a matter of bad luck in not meeting someone who’s right for you.

Also, being trans and non-passing absolutely does not doom you to being alone, or make you unlovable! The love of my life is a trans man, and we got together before he started his medical transition, and before he’d even finished socially transitioning. We were together for a year and a half before he even started T, and him not ‘passing’ and him being trans didn’t make me see him as any less of a man, and didn’t affect my attraction to him at all. If anything, I’m more attracted to him because of his trans identity.

I’m trans too, and passing isn’t even a possibility for me because I’m non-binary and there’s no way to ‘pass’ as something society would never assume you to be. But my partner still loves me for who I am, accepts my gender completely, and finds me attractive regardless of my gender presentation.

I know so many trans people in relationships with both cis people or other trans people who love their trans partner for exactly who they are, who see them as their gender unconditionally, and whose view of them isn’t affected in the slightest by how well they ‘pass’. You are not unlovable, or doomed to be alone forever, because you’re trans - I promise. There are always assholes out there, or people who don’t understand, but there are also people who see you for who you are, and will love you for being that person.

If you’re feeling starved for affection, it might be worth in the short-term being a bit more open and affectionate with your friends if you’re comfortable with it. Platonic affection should be way more normalised than it is, and it’s totally okay to cuddle with friends and be physically affectionate with them if everyone’s comfortable with it, and be open about how much you care about them. I tell friends that I love them in a platonic way all the time, and some people find that having that kind of platonic affection can take the edge off that feeling of being deprived of that affection from being single.

I hope that helps, and I wish you all the best 💖

#advice #negative /#rant #transphobia /#dysphoria /#mental illness /#not a suggestion #i love queue #q anon #long post #Anonymous #answered

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heterophobiclesbean · 5 years

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I told my mom a few years ago (I think I was 15) that I thought I might have ADD or ADHD and she must've thought I did it for attention or smth because she didn't wanna hear it and brushed me off (she's also a nurse). I then scheduled an appointment by myself and my doctor didn't even take two minutes to question me, she just said nothing was wrong with me. Made me give up completely on figuring out wtf is wrong with me. I'm 20 now and I haven't mentioned it to anyone since but I still wonder.

honestly this kind of stuff really pisses me off abt healthcare like it already takes so much goddamn work and money to schedule an appointment and see a doctor and actually like. get that shit looked at but to have someone brush you off so quickly? thats entirely unacceptable. i dont even care if she could somehow magically “tell” that you dont have adhd (which i guarantee she couldnt), the fact that you scheduled and appointment and showed for it means you obviously have enough of an issue with something and you have every right to have all of your concerns heard and taken seriously. the fact that a healthcare professional did that to you is disgusting. what a waste of everyone’s time and resources!!! what a display of disrespect!

you deserve to have your concerns heard out by a medical professional who you have scheduled and paid to see lol thats ridiculous. im sorry you had to deal with that. regardless of whether you have adhd, if you still feel like you experience symptoms of something that makes your life difficult, if you have the resources, i highly encourage you to seek out care with a different healthcare professional. depending on what kind of insurance you have, or if you are a student at a university or something, you might be able to get seen by a doctor for free or for a low cost (i know in the states they usually make you pay for the test, no idea how much it costs), even if it means scheduling an appointment far in the future. i know that for many healthcare providers, you can look up information about them and sometimes even find reviews from other patients or find out if they specialize in diagnoses for women, people of color, immigrants, or other groups that are often underdiagnosed or not taken seriously by healthcare providers.

you can always get a second opinion, also. therapists and other healthcare professionals are people and are susceptible to bias or just plain mistakes. if you think you were right 5 years ago, and you have the means the do so, i encourage you to go in to a different doctor and voice your concerns. when it comes to things like adhd or other mental-health related diagnoses, its imperative that your doctor actually listen to what you have to say! they arent doing their job right if they dont listen to you.

#im sorry that happened shitty experiences at doctors offices can really fuck you up #its so unacceptable too just because you were 15 does not mean they should not have taken you seriously #anonymous #ask

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sidon-reader-support · 7 years

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Here's a feels-inducing one for you! Sidon's reaction to finding out his s/o has caught an illness with a high death rate! :D

(I hope this one is feelsy enough to your liking my dear friend, I look forward to doing your next one~ Also I’m visiting relatives for a while so although I am on summer break they’ll probably be keeping me busy, I’ll try my best to submit as often as I can! Enjoy!~)

Can’t Let You Go

Word Count: 1847Warnings: Angst, fatal illness, illness symptoms, vomit mention, blood

It was a very difficult feat reducing the optimizing and headstrong Prince of the Zora to tears but when he saw you laid in bed looking as if one gust of wind could whisk you away, the tears flew so freely that one would think that he had been crying every second of his life. Only those closest to him knew that this was not the case. It was only moments like this that could make Sidon feel this way; make him feel like his entire world was crashing down on him.

Sidon had known that you were sick for a while now but it had only been a gentle cough and light fever, nothing serious. You had never whined or complained. Every time he offered to excuse himself from his work to say by you, you always told him that you didn’t want to keep the Prince from his Kingdom. You said it would pass in a few days. You said you’d be fine.

Now here you were, two weeks later, restricted almost completely to your bed, and barely able to keep your eyes open.

After the first week, Sidon couldn’t help but worry even though you insisted you were okay, he was certain that you were getting worse. The maids and healers that cared for you while he was caught up with meetings and paperwork would inform him of your condition. Telling him that your coughs were quickly becoming more aggressive, your fever remained ever present, your movements were slower and sluggish, and you could hardly eat the food brought to you and even when you did it was never for long.

It seemed like your entire day was comprised of laying in bed because your body was too weak to carry you anywhere else, trying to sleep, coughing, trying to eat meals, or puking into a basin. You were miserable even though you tried to hide it.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

So, at the advisement of the healers, he sent a letter to a Hylian doctor requesting their services. It did not take long for the doctor to arrive in the Kingdom after hearing about your symptoms and once he performed a careful examination he was able to give a full diagnosis. It was not a good one.

You had caught a virus common to Hylians during this time of year and, at first, Sidon felt relieved thinking that surely this meant a cure had been developed. His heart dropped when the doctor informed him that there was no cure and, to rub salt in his fresh wound, most of those who caught this nasty disease did not make it.

Sidon, shortly after learning this devastating news, put everything else aside so that he could ten to your needs much to your meek protest. He couldn’t bear to be away from you and nobody could blame him. The Zora remained firmly planted at your side, hardly sleeping or eating anything as he watched over you. He couldn’t look away from your pale face for even a moment; he was afraid that if he did that would be the last moment he saw you alive.

It only took one moment for the cruel hands of fate to steal all that was precious to im in life. They had stolen his mother. They had stolen Mipha. They could steal you too.

Over his dead body.

During the daytime, things were manageable. The maids brought in the meals and medicine prescribed by the doctor to help with your symptoms. It was difficult for you to enjoy even the simplest dishes prepared by the kitchen but Sidon always tried to get you to eat something, even if it was just a nibble. It took some negotiating to get you to take the medicine, however, because according to you it tasted like Bokoblin crap.

Regardless, in the end, it didn’t matter because barely an hour late later it was usually coming right back up with Sidon apologizing profusely for making you eat and you always apologized for subjecting him to this nastiness.

Aside from that, everything ran relatively smoothly with you spending most of your time trying to rest while occasionally asking him for water or a story to fill up the silence in the room. Sidon had no problem doing any of these for you; he would gladly do anything that made this whole ordeal easier for you.

At night, it was a completely different story.

At night, things became unbearable.

Your illness seemed to take sick pleasure in terrorizing you at night because every one of your symptoms became excruciating and Sidon could only watch and try to do all he could to ease our suffering.

The fever spiked and while the heat burning around your head caused you to break out in a terrible sweat, the rest of your body remained freezing cold to the Zora Prince’s touch and shivered like a leaf in a raging storm. Sidon watched as your chest shook violently from the coughing fits that progressed into hacking that then progressed into the spilling of the contents of your stomach; even when there was absolutely nothing inside of your poor stomach to spill your body showed you no mercy. You would convulse and quiver over the basin dry heaving so violently and would not stop until you were reduced to an empty husk of a person sprawled out on the bed.

It was horrifying for Sidon to watch, though he knew it was ten times worse to experience it.

Tonight, was no exception. In fact, it was the definition of torture.

Your body was being particularly ruthless and once again Sidon was practically powerless to do anything about it. His love, his sweet treasure, his everything was coughing so violently he feared they would cough up their lungs and all he could do was hold their hand and offer to get them some water even though you both knew that would not help. Still he had to do something, anything to help you. Without saying a word, your body suddenly jolted up and Sidon released his careful hold on your hand to look up at you immediately concerned by your abrupt action.

Sidon’s eyes scanned your form noticing how your body convulsed aggressively in response to the terrible fit you were currently enduring. Then just as abruptly as you stood up you stopped and then fell silent and he could see your body still shaking.

Quickly he moved to adjust his chair so that he could look at your face saying, “My love, are you alri-!” His golden eyes dilated in horror seeing the trail of crimson running down your chin and pooling into your quivering hand. His heart shattered to see that you were crying, soft sobs replacing the horrible hacking and making you look even more weak and fragile than before. You were attempting to try and catch all the blood in your hand as if ashamed and terrified by what just happened.

Sidon stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair back and it fell to the ground with such a loud clatter that he was certain he had woken the entire palace but he didn’t care. He raced to retrieve a towel and then bring it back to you carefully wiping the blood from your hand and then pressing the cloth to your mouth as you sobbed. “I-It hurts…” Your voice comes out hoarse from coughing and muffled by the cloth and Sidon can feel himself start to cry along with you.

“I know, I’m sorry,” His voice breaks and he almost can’t stand looking at you reduced to such a poor state. The tears pooling in his eyes blur his vision and his hand shakes slightly as he wipes at the corners of your mouth trying to hold himself together and put on a brave face for you. He must stay strong for you. He must stay strong. He must…

Gently laying you back down on the bed, Sidon just watches kneeling beside the bed not even bothering to recollect his chair as he lets the towel drop to the floor. “It hurts so much… I-I just want it to stop… I’m so tired…” You hiccup in between your gut-wrenching sobs your fists clinging so tightly to the bedsheets that Sidon can see your knuckles turn white. “S-Sidon make it stop…”

You’re begging for help; begging for Sidon’s help and it is only a reminder that he is completely powerless.

He wished with every bone in his body that the sickness ravaging your body was a monster, something that he could see and properly fight off to protect you. Something that he could kill so that you would be free from this agony. Unfortunately, that was only wishful thinking. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything but sit and watch as you withered away in front of him.

Sidon carefully climbed into the bed wrapping you up in the blankets and bedsheets like you are a young infant before laying you on his chest holding you close to him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” He whispered over and over again letting you cry out all of that pain he knows that you’ve been trying to hold in for his sake while he tries his best to console you. This is the least he can do for you.

If this dastardly disease did manage to succeed in its horrid plan he wanted you to be at peace; he knew it was horrible to even admit that you could leave him but he could not ignore the fact that was entirely too real possibility. Any moment your tired body could potentially give out and you could breathe your last and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. All he could do now was comfort you, keep you happy, keep hoping that you would get through this together.

He would stay with you no matter what.

No matter what.

When the sun rose the next morning, the maids brought in the food as usual giving the Prince time to wake you and then detangle himself from your body so he could go back to his place at your side. He watched overjoyed as you ate a third of the meal – it took a while, and you refused to touch anything until he promised to eat something too – but you managed to get food in your system. You even took the medicine with no complaints and Sidon could not have felt more relieved when an hour later you didn’t need to turn to the basin so your body could reject it.

Watching you take what he could only assume to be the best nap you had taken in two weeks, Sidon finally let his worries wash away and he rest his head on the edge of the bed placing his hand over yours admiring your sleeping face. The answer to his prayers was finally laid out to him so he did not need to worry anymore.

He could see it written on your face flushed with the faint hue of your color returning to your face as you slept so peacefully. He could feel it in his heart, mind, body, and soul. He could hear it in the room as if Hylia herself was standing there clearing all of the misery that had been hanging over the two of you.

Things were going to be okay.

#ficlet #sidon ficlet #sidon #prince sidon #botw #breath of the wild

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