The Official Comprehensive Princess Rankings
I posted yesterday about the complexity of the official Princess-ranking poll and how I felt it had a couple weaknesses in its format. As of right now... I still haven't submitted my response. I'm thinking that writing this post up will cement the rankings, and then I can send them in.
I'm considering several factors in the rankings, and I'm weighing both how much I like the Princess and how much I like the chapter she's found within. A good narrative will boost a Princess I'm indifferent to, and an emotional attachment to the Princess will cause me to rank a chapter higher than another I find equally narratively-respectable. Since the poll talks about things in terms of Princesses, my liking towards a Princess will generally outweigh my liking towards a chapter's narrative.
Specifically, the things I'm primarily considering are:
—Liking of the Princess, both on an emotional level and on a more cognitive, "I enjoy teasing apart what makes her tick" or "I can appreciate the existence of this character" level. On the emotional level, like outweighs dislike—but having any feelings about a Princess, even if they're negative, is an indication that they're sticking with me somehow, so the worst a Princess can do on this level is for me to be entirely indifferent towards her.
—How fun or exciting the chapter is to play out.
—How much I feel the chapter's narrative to be satisfying, or to say something interesting about the narrative around it.
—How much the Princess or the chapter generally made an impact on me. This one isn't quite as explicable as the others—it's just a general impression or bias that's hard to put into words.
Some chapters have been split in two. I already said my piece about the Wounded vs. Networked Wild (though I'll be explaining each ranking here as well). In addition, there are two Chapter IIIs with significant differences based on the Voice you get in them—Den and EOTN. Each of these chapters has two different "success" outcomes and a "failure" outcome—and I'll be splitting them accordingly, since I find some of their narratives to be more satisfying than others.
The Greys, on the other hand, have been merged, because I don't see a significant difference between them. Nor do I particularly between the Damsel and the Deconstructed Damsel, but I'm still splitting them up because it gives me an excuse to talk about what the latter actually is. The Razor chapters do have a significant distinction, but since my only difference in opinion between the two is because of the Voices present, I'm leaving them together.
Without further ado, the List:
The Witch
At any given moment there are only two Princesses I am liable to be rotating in my mind, so obviously they're cemented for top two. Witch wins out over Razor because I find the narrative of her chapter to be more fun, interesting, and complex.
The Razor
I don't have much more to say about her specifically. She's a fun character.
The Den (flight)
I don't much care for fighting the Den—though I think it's likely this will change post–Pristine Cut. Fleeing her, though, leads to a moment of sympathy at the end that I particularly enjoy—as you might have been able to guess, I like her narrative on this path. Admittedly, her high position here is due in large part to emotional attachment... which is all entwined in the "flight" ending, so the "fight/fail" endings don't get the boost.
The Wounded Wild
I have a marked dislike for the Networked Wild and, by extension, most of the Wild chapter—but I'll get to that when it's relevant. The Wounded Wild, on the other hand, I feel has a very satisfying narrative when you choose to cut her free—you and she were never meant to be the same, but that doesn't mean you need to continue hurting each other. She's the only Princess I can't bear to slay, even just to see what happens.
The Damsel
See this post. In summary, I like how she seems to be particularly narrative-savvy, perhaps even more so than most other Princesses.
The Deconstructed Damsel
She loses some points when made to stand as her own entity from being removed from what I enjoy about the Damsel in general, but I do like what she means. I see on occasion posts about how the Damsel has had her agency stripped from her, which I don't see at all—but the Deconstructed Damsel is what you get when you insist that must be the case. The Princess is a creature of perception, and if you go looking for an empty shell, an empty shell is what you will find.
The Fury
Her hold on her position is tenuous due to how the narrative of her chapter fails to live up to the first impression—but boy what a first impression she makes. MEAT indeed. The narrative falls flat with its one-option, illusion-of-choice structure, but I'm content to wait and see how the Pristine Cut will improve that.
The Eye of the Needle (fight)
This was one of the Chapter IIIs I reached on my first run, and boy is it a good first impression of EOTN. If I were basing this ranking solely off of how thrilling I find the chapters, she'd be in first place with a wide gulf behind her. Definitely one of the most fun chapters... though the other versions trail quite a bit behind.
The Adversary
This is where things get muddled. The Adversary, and the two after her, are at a point where they're being judged more on their chapters than their Princesses. For the Adversary specifically, I'm largely neutral on her as a character, but I do enjoy just how much there is to discover in her chapter. I'm still certain I haven't found it all.
The Thorn
As a Princess, again I'm largely neutral on her—but I do have to appreciate a good narrative arc, and I do have to acknowledge here that this is one of only two chapters that actually make me guilty about certain choices—though unlike in the Wounded Wild, I actually have abandoned and attempted to slay the Thorn. For the achievements, you must understand, and usually reverted via autosaves afterwards.
The Stranger
I preface this by saying I have not played her version of the newly-refurbished ending, though I doubt it'd improve her standing significantly. What I like about her is her chapter, and the peek behind the curtains it affords, and the perfectly-drawn road map it provides, all without the context needed to read it.
The Spectre
Her position, too, is tenuous. I carry a good impression of her, and there was a time where I'd confidently assert her as my favourite Princess, or at least top three alongside the Witch and the Thorn. But when looking at her with an analytic eye... there's nothing concrete there to grasp, and her chapter doesn't stick with me as well as many others. She is fun, though, I suppose, and I'm greatly excited for what the Pristine Cut will do for her.
The Eye of the Needle (fail)
i.e. ignoring your newest Voice's suggestions and attacking her head-on in the tunnel. I just think it's fun.
The Nightmare
Voice of the Paranoid carried her chapter.
She also has the honor of being one of a scarce few Princesses I dislike! Right there with Tower, Wraith, MoC, and maybe Networked Wild, but she's my least favourite of the bunch! This is why she places so highly in my rankings compared to the rest of them and to all the Princesses I'm largely neutral on. In fact, I dislike her so much she actually managed to beat out my objective appreciation of the next entry on this list:
The Shifting Mound
I'm largely moderate in my opinions on her. Granted, I'd rather not live forever with her as my only company, but it's not because I dislike her—we just have a very fundamental difference of opinion that I really can't look past. Objectively, I appreciate what she is and how she achieves being what she is, and I feel she was executed well. (Figuratively, I mean. I hate executing her literally.) If not for that one tiny disagreement I have with her, I might actually like her.
(16–19 is a set of very close calls)
The Prisoner
I don't have much to say on her or the next Princess. Getting to pull one over on someone inside your own head is pretty cool, though.
The Beast
I appreciate that there's a good few things to experiment with during her chapter. The Princess herself I'm largely neutral on, though.
The Wraith
Conversing with her is fun and throwing yourself into the void out of spite is deeply satisfying. Enough said.
The Apotheosis
I'm not a fan of largely linear chapters where you don't have many meaningful choices... so the Pristine Cut will probably do wonders for her standing. Getting to stand against a literal god is cool, though... but is largely outweighed by the fact that it doesn't actually have any visible consequences.
The Moment of Clarity
Narratively, to be sure, this poses an interesting void of information. I'm not actually sure why I'm ranking her so low, since this is the one linear chapter where I actually think its linearity adds to the effect... but I don't know. I can't see myself dragging her a single spot upwards.
The base Princess
A complicated situation. Her personality doesn't really come through until the end, but I do enjoy talking with her in the final cabin, and that's enough, I suppose, to allow her a place here, hovering above the ones I genuinely don't really like.
The Networked Wild
I do not like being one with the Princess, nor do I feel it a satisfying narrative to remain that way. Perhaps it's a good thing she sits here, near the bottom, though—it makes the Wounded Wild and the denial of this oneness that she represents so much more beautiful. The peek behind the curtains the Network Wild affords, though, despite paling in comparison to the Stranger's, is enough to keep her out of the gutter.
The Den (fight/fail)
There's just not a lot to see here.
The Eye of the Needle (free)
All I could think of when I went down this route was how I wasn't fighting her, and thus the chapter was truncated. It left a bit of a sour taste.
The Greys (Burning and Drowned)
I dunno, team.
The Tower
I may dislike her a bit, but even more so, there's something unsatisfying about her chapter. Something that makes it feel linear even when it isn't. Like it has fundamentally less choice than any other Chapter II. It itches.
(For the record: It wouldn't fit in the list (somehow I filled up the character limit almost perfectly), but I somewhat prefer the "harsh" version of the Princess at the end to the "soft" version. Can't articulate why; just do.)
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