okay guys i have calculated it all out and even if i get a big fat zero on this race i will still earn a b in the class assuming i get 100% on the other remaining three assignments two of which are a given for 100% and the last of which is like. even if we get a 75% on it (which i do not really see happening) i can still scrape by w a b-

The Hegemonic Fantasm Created by the Word Nigga. (Condensed)

Words are like spells. Words spoken with the right syncopation, tone, and rhythm can make someone dance, cry, feel pride, disgust, or pleasure. There is power in words. After those feelings have long left one's emotional realm, the terms associated with those emotions remain. Like chameleons, some words do not disappear; they mutate into something that is befitting their surroundings for protection. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. eloquently expressed that, "A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged; it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used." (160) This quote precisely describes the life of the word Nigga. Nigga is woven into the fabric of Western society and has worn different hats at different times. One may even say that it has not taken off any of those mentioned hats yet. Nigga means different things to different people based on their knowledge of the word, age, cultural background, and lived experiences.

In the following essay entitled, "The hegemonic fantasm created by the word Nigga”, I will explore the phenomenality of non-African American people using Nigga within the Hip-hop aesthetic; and identify all, if any, rules for utilizing the word. I will argue that hip-hop culture has created a hegemonic fantasm with the use of the term Nigga. A hegemonic fantasm, as defined by Shurrmann, is an "authoritative representation that serves, during a given linguistic era, to constitute the phenomenality of phenomena and thereby to legitimize all theoretical and practical rules" (6). We will learn how the use of the word Nigga has been transferred from oppressor to the oppressed and back again under the cloak of hip-hop culture. In this paper, I use the term Hip-hop aesthetic liberally as it refers to all manners of expression within hip-hop culture, including fashion, vernacular, dance, visual art, and musical objects, within and outside of rap music itself. I will implore Nietzsche's idea of freedom and nihilism as my counter-argument. I will then use the Hip-hop song "Sucka Nigga" by A Tribe Call Quest to further my exploration of the word and its use in Hip-hop music to both celebrate friendship and to slander. I will conclude with Mbebe to construct a call to action to those who may feel compelled to walk backward on what Beverly Daniel Tatum refers to as "The moving walkway of racism." 

I should also bring clarification to my use of the term "one." In these writings, one will represent an African American. This point is important to identify because I am an African American who subscribes to Hip-hop culture. Therefore I cannot speak on behalf of those who do not share racial or cultural similarities. The words in this writing were penned with African Americans in mind; however, this text can be utilized by non-African Americans to explore further the history and the use of the term Nigga in an effort to combat racism. Before I delve into the word Nigga, it is crucial that I provide a caveat that will show what led me to discover the hegemonic fantasm created by the word Nigga.

I am an African American male who teaches Latino students predominantly. As a 5th grade teacher, I have had to have conversations about race with all of my classes. The talks typically stem from me overhearing a group of them say the word Nigga while signing a song. After having this conversation a couple of times with them, what seemed to puzzle me was how they were using it. Schürmann writes, "The double bind arises from singularities though not as a dispersion of givens, but as dispersive functions (610). My Latino students were using the term in the same way that I have used the word when talking to my close friends and family. It made me think about a couple of things. First, do they know what the word means in historical respect? Secondly, if they do know what it means, why are they claiming a term that has caused great anguish to a group of people for themselves? Soon after, I discovered a YouTube video of a group of white kids rapping a song, and I realized that when the rapper said the word Nigga, they too said the word Nigga--while smiling. After this experience, I realized one thing that both instances had in common; Hip-hop. Subsequently, I asked myself, did Hip-hop normalize the word Nigga? Is being a Nigga the cool thing now?

How does an African American, navigate this complex social landscape in a world where a name can either make you a man or a slave -- friend, or a foe. I overheard my students again using the word Nigga. I found myself caught in a double bind. Schrumann describes a double-bind as when, "The hero sees the conflicting laws, and—at the moment of tragic denial—then blinds himself toward one of them, fixing his gaze on the other. (27) I reached this conclusion based on two factors. First, I am an African American, and I should not allow non-African American people to use it; I should discipline them for using the word. Secondly, I am their teacher; I shouldn't get upset based upon the context in which they are using the term; they may not know the history of the word and its racial implication, and that could be a teachable moment. How can I navigate this dilemma not only in my classroom but with other people I may encounter?

I have been asked on two occasions by non-African Americans, "Why can't I say it?". This question brings to the surface one concern: "Why would a non-African American want to say it? Is it the first amendment rights granted to all Americans by the Constitution of the United States? The desire to say what they want when they want to? Is it the need to feel as if they belong to a particular cadre of friends? Is it them being facetious? Or are they truly seeking knowledge to use to combat racism? The answers to these questions can not come from me. For again, I can not speak for or from the position of a non-African American. However, I can show the impact of the word Nigga in the lives of African Americans; The historical origins of the word Nigga and how one could react to hearing the word. 

Since slavery's beginning, the word Nigger has been used as a derogatory term for Black people. This fact appears in a myriad of ways throughout history. However, for some, the term functioned as a source of power (i.e., White oppressors using the term to assert dominance). For African Americans, the word was a reminder that you were "less than" in society. However, among the African American population, the word gave a sense of unity--knowing we were all facing the similar struggles of being oppressed. While this writing focuses on the word Nigga used in a Hip hop context, one cannot get to Nigga without first visiting Nigger. Nigger is a six-letter word derived from the Latin term meaning black. However, the concept of Nigger is a weapon of mass destruction. It is the shorthand for a field of knowledge that, for over 500 years, across every continent, dedicated itself to the progression of white supremacy and the belittlement of dark-skinned people. While before the Transatlantic Slave Trade, the term described something with a dark hue, it has been ingrained in our psyche to mean something negative. In the series entitled Strength In Numbers by Knowledge Bennett, the artist utilizes vast black canvas to represent members of his family and a sense of togetherness. However, if looked at the paintings through an eye trained to see black as a symbol of despair or nothingness, it would appear to be nothing more than a black canvas. One could look in the Oxford dictionary and discover how these negative connotations have fueled the weight of the word Nigger. The intersection of the negative connotations and the usage by African Americans is where the dilemma lies. Do we ignore a set of derogatory definitions to make room for the more amicable meanings of the word? The intertwined uses and implications of Nigger and Nigga are where this discussion occurs--a hegemonic fantasm.

According to Schürmann, words have no meaning alone in their singular state. He writes, "Solon" and "Moses" are not definable, no more than are the objects of demonstratives such as "this" and "that"; the class in which we arrange them, however, is definable." (9) To Schürmann, the word Nigger would have no definite meaning in its solitude. Not until Nigger is chained to other singularities does its identity appear. For instance, if one were to hear someone belting out the word Nigga in a room without knowing the individual's identity, the word Nigga would not have an identity. Only when the individual who is saying the word is revealed can someone begin to assume to identify the intentions behind the use of Nigga. Furthermore, the individual's intentions for the term impacts its meaning significantly. If it happens to be a non-African American, one may define the word differently than if it was an African American. One would also have to consider the setting. Would the meaning the word Nigga mean something different if the environment was a Hip-hop show and those two people were next to one another reciting the same lyrics? Or does Nigga, on its own, have a set of multiple singularities that immediately shapes someone's idea of the term? 

For some, Nigga is a cultural slang term of solidarity or kinship. For others, Nigga is nothing more than a painful reminder of the brutal plight faced by African Americans at the hands of white oppressors. Some people see no distinguishing features between Nigga and Nigger. For someone who has personally experienced times of racism attached to that word, anything remotely close to the word Nigger can bring back painful memories depending on who says it.

 The popularity of Hip-hop culture and its frequent use made the term Nigga transition from being a term shared by African Americans among African Americans or white supremacy ideology to a name that represents other cultures' comradery. With this stance, it can be argued that the word Nigga has morphed into a hegemonic fantasm. Schürmann writes, "The one rests in itself and thereby imposes an order within which mortals, in turn, posit names and laws." (53) This quote speaks directly to why my Latino students feel comfortable using the word. They say Nigga among themselves within a closed circle--therefore, they create their boundaries and laws regarding the word's use. Either that is the case, or they assume that their subscription to Hip-hop culture gives them the same rights as other members (i.e., African Americans) within the Hip-hop community. Based on the plethora of uses for the term nigga, are they seeing themselves as these stereotypical figures created by white supremacy for Black people? Have African American practitioners of Hip-hop made the pain of Black people the "in" thing? Is hip-hop to blame?

"Sucka Nigga," a song by Hip-hop group a Tribe Called Quest, presents to the listener a sonic tapestry that tells the story of the word Nigga from the perspective of a Black man in his late teens. This particular selection is essential because it speaks to someone who is not only creating but also ingesting Hip-hop music during its "Golden Years," approximately 1986 -1995; the beginning of Hip-hop's commercialization. The musical group's lead, Q-tip, speaks to the double-bind he finds himself in when he says the word Nigga. He writes, "Yo, I start to flinch, as I try not to say it / But my lips is like the oowop as I start to spray it." (A Tribe Called Quest) A oowop is slang for an automatic gun. Q-tip, speaks to the double-bind a Black person may encounter while saying Nigga highlights the complexity of its effects. In the first stanza, one has to ask, why would he flinch?

He is aware of the historical ramifications of the word Nigga. He has a sense of pride and power that comes from using such a weighted term. The term serves as artistic weaponry that is both compelling and dangerous. In this instance, Q-tip must decide if he is going to take the position of historical reverence and avoid the word or use the ever-tempting word and embrace its modern social popularity. The double bind yet again.

This is a dilemma of Q-tip's moral consciousness, which is "the consciousness that harbors a precursive practical knowledge in its activities, brought to bear on its obligations and prohibitions. "(Schürmann 383). One could associate Q-tip's paradigm with the story of Antigone and her allegiance to the rules of familial piety (Schürmann 3). When he says Nigga, he is aware that he is reverberating the notions instilled by white supremacy, which, in return, is causing harm and degradation to African Americans as a whole.

On the other hand, he does not find this to be reason enough to stop saying the word because of the era in which he lives. Instead, he exercises his privilege to take ownership of the word despite its negative essence. He writes, "Other niggas in the community think it's crummy/ But I don't, neither does the youth cause we / Em-brace adversity it goes right with the race / And being that we use it as a term of endearment." (A Tribe Called Quest,1993) If Q-tip were to stop using the word Nigga, he would be relinquishing his Hip-hop authenticity--primarily since Hip-hop was founded based on defying adversity. There is no double-bind unless the both-and of the two conflicting laws exhausts the field of possibilities. (Schürmann 28)

In my original document, I presented the idea of choice between two of our thinkers, Hegel, and Nietzche. For the sake of the argument, I selected Nietzche for this rendition. Unlike Hegel, who believes one should acknowledge the total person, including their history, Nietzche thinks that the path to freedom is not to acknowledge the past. (Nietzsche 159)Throughout Nietzche's writings, he refers to this idea of nihilism. Nihilism essentially is the denial of traditional belief systems. Nietzche wrote, "For the historical audit brings so much to light which is false and absurd, violent and inhuman, that the condition of pious illusion falls to pieces." (134) Nietzsche expresses that to be free; one must fail to acknowledge all of the things that construct those conventional beliefs; through this process, one can arrive at freedom and grant others theirs as well. However, one should want to not accept something because of the pain an event or person has caused them. For Nietzche, "it is an error to consider "social distress" or "physiological desperation" or, worse, corruption, as the cause of nihilism." (11) When my non-African American students use the word, should I not acknowledge it? Should I put aside the rapes, murders, kidnappings, and lynchings that I associate with the term Nigga? On the other hand, should I forget about the events in my life that converted my friends to "my niggas?" According to Nietzsche, I should if I want to be free. He writes, "Therefore, it is possible to live almost without remembering and live happy, as evidenced by the animal, but it is still impossible to live without forgetting" (62). However, this dilemma is not quickly resolved with Nietzsche's view of freedom. If freedom is ascertained through discontinuation of my acknowledgment of the distress caused by the word Nigga, I am also failing to acknowledge the sense of exclusive community that was meant when African Americans took ownership of the word. This "freedom" that can be felt by one comes at a cost--denial of those who fought to change the connotation of the word.

Someone may find this idea unworthy of any significant attention. However, the impact of this word produces a devastating blow. The effect of racism is more than cross-burning, black bodies hanging from southern trees, or unwarranted police shootings of Black people. Racism is alive and living off of the deeds and ideas of those who perpetuate its malicious cycle of oppression. Mbembe writes, "In fact, race does not exist as a physical, anthropological, or genetic fact. However, it is not just a useful fiction, a phantasmagoric construction, or an ideological projection whose function is to draw attention away from conflicts judged to be more real - the struggle between classes or genders, for example."

Racism is an idea that we bring to life through our beliefs, actions, and conversations. One could compare it to the story of the creature living in the hillside that the villagers created to keep people out of the woods. However, through these stories, the villagers began to manifest interactions or sightings with this creature. They begin to build weapons, forts, and rituals to ward off this creature because it is now real. Over time, these weapons and rituals become ingrained in the citizens' everyday lives because they made the monster real. One thing to keep in mind is that the myth of the creature was created to control the villagers. Was racism and the word Nigger designed to control us? My answer is undoubted. While racism may be a fantasm, it is a reality that we all deal with, and it has to be acknowledged.

Week in My American Pandemic Life | #44 | September 2020

September felt like a good month to share another slice-of-life blog story (since my last one was pre-pandemic, last December!). 

Leading into Sept. 2020, I knew that it’d be the month in which I’d find out whether I was going back to Peace Corps Mongolia in October. If so, I’d need to be ready to repack my belongings and head back overseas. If not, I’d find out for how much longer I’d need to wait. 

The longer I’ve been back in the States, the more little activities I’ve picked up. But still, my heart’s with the Peace Corps. I want to go back as soon as I can. With that in mind, though, here’s what I’ve been up to! 

Most Every Day

These events encompass my stateside weeks 26 to 30 (being Aug. 28 to Oct. 1). I've been doing mostly ad hoc projects depending on Peace Corps’ timeline. Since my summer weeks, my most recurring roles have focused around two task forces and two boards on which I’ve been serving amid the pandemic. Beyond these, I’ve been focusing on readying for graduate school and seeking a strong spiritual life. 

I spent most of September in Reno, so my week-in-the-life stories encompass those periods. My weekends largely blurred with my weekdays, so weeks tended to mesh together. Still, each day had enough recurring events that I’ll start by describing those common threads. 

Long Before Dawn

I usually rose between 3 and 5 a.m. I’d basically fling myself out of bed to shut off my alarm so as not to wake my younger brother. Then I’d leave the room and spend my morning in the house’s kitchen/dining area. 

From then till 9 a.m., I’d mostly work on language exercises from the classical Latin textbook I've been using with a long-time friend who’s been tutoring me this rich language. Around 9 a.m., we’d hop on our video call. Even on weekends we tended to call. We chatted usually for a couple hours, finishing around 11 a.m. or noon, depending on our start. 

Besides Latin daily, I’d a few other activities I’d do usually sometime between about 4 a.m. and 1 p.m. These were for spirit, for fun and a bit of escape. 

I’d continued my quarantine habits of reading more Scripture. At the month’s start, I’d pray a rosary and read a Psalm a day. A friend and I had finished reading our daily Proverbs chapters in August, so we’d decided to take on a Psalm a day. Then my other friend and I had concluded our rosaries. So, I’d read a Hebrews chapter with my Psalm a day. After I finished Hebrews, my other Bible study group had begun John. So, by September’s end, I was reading a Psalm and John verses a day. Good times.  

Daily App Streaks

Around 8 a.m. I’d get in a power nap to recharge. Usually after 8 I also didn’t tend to receive messages from friends in Mongolia, for that approached their midnight. If I received new messages, those tended to come after 6 p.m., which was their morning.

On the learning side, I’d also keep up my Duolingo streak. I’d surpassed over 150 days, so I figured I might as well keep at it. I mostly used Duolingo to practice Latin and seldom had touched the Spanish and Chinese lessons as much as I used to. Sometimes my daily Duolingo lesson feel like bad medicine, but I remind myself that languages stick best when I rehearse them. Other days feel great! 

A bit after my morning nap would be my 9 a.m. Latin tutorial. Either right after it (closer to noon or 1 p.m.) or long before it, such as when I’d wake up or shower, I do my Scripture readings, Duolingo and also Pokémon tasks. I’d never set a specific time for these. 

Mostly to break up the hard stuff, I’d keep up Pokémon GO and Pokémon Masters EX streaks. The freemium games offer daily bonuses for simple activities. In terms of self-tending, I remember that humans ought to set aside time each day for play. At least by playing free games, I needn’t spend money. They get me out of the house, too! 

Habits of Isolation

When I’m not out of the house, the pandemic surely does weird stuff to me. Free time seems to lead me to check my email inbox, perhaps too often. I think that the habit stems from my ambiverted itch to have social contact after spending hours alone glued to topics. I also just like helping people and brightening their days, given how unevenly the pandemic affects us. More innocuously, I check my Google Calendar too to make sure I don’t miss deadlines. I try not to stress so much… 

When I caught myself staring too long at that inbox, I’d go outside an hour or few to a walk around the neighborhood, thank God and weigh whatever might be on my mind. Reno, Nev. had had plenty of smoke from NorCal fires, so I’d definitely keep on my facemask. I loved being outside, but toxic air made me less eager. 

Around 3 p.m., I’d get in a second power nap. Though, on some weekdays my youngest brother had his online class at 3. So, I try to nap a little before, so he could have the room to himself. 

Our family usually has dinner around 6:45 p.m. or 7. Attendance varies depending on who’s at the house by that day. At minimum would usually be Dad, my tita /TEE-tuh/ (Filipina stepma) and me. At most, there would usually include four more, being my youngest brother, a family friend who's also our tenant, my youngest sister and her boyfriend. Sometimes by brother’s still on campus, the family friend’s at work, and/or my sister and her bf aren’t visiting till the next day. 

As a side note, when I’d first started coming up from Vegas to help at the Reno house, Dad had only purchased a dining table with four chairs. Then he’d purchased four more chairs, which most of us had opposed. Once everyone else had come up for their fall semesters, though, we conceded that Dad won. 

Weekday Mornings

Mondays through Fridays are my dad’s workdays, so morning routines go a little differently. Regardless, I’d usually still be up early, from that 3 to 5 a.m. range. 

Tita would usually come downstairs around 5:15 a.m. to begin fixing breakfast for my father and whoever else was at the house. My stepmom reminds me of my mom in this way, waking early to fix food for everyone. I thought of both of them when reading of the woman in Proverbs 31:15, “She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family [...].” I hope I’ll be a caring parent, too. 

Tita had retired some months after marrying my pa, which gave her more free time. If she wasn’t down around 5:15, she’d had asked me to come knock upstairs on the master bedroom door in case she and Dad overslept their alarms. I give her a hand when she needs it. Tita would also fix Papa coffee and unload the dishwasher from the night before. I’d help her reach higher shelves and take things to or from the garage.

And Tita and I would chat a bit. I hadn’t known much about the Philippines geographically. I felt surprised to learn that her home province's language is Bisayan, not Tagalog. She said it’s because she’s from Bohol, in the Central Visayas. We’d chat about Asian culture and our Catholicism, too, like the Bible and prayers. I’d also vent about life sometimes. She is a patient soul. 

An Early Breakfast

Often between 5:45 a.m. or 6, my papa would come downstairs and enjoy the breakfast his wife made. Dad would also sometimes ask me to do things or comment on my ‘inability’ to do them. I tried to ignore the comments that I felt were a bit rude, since Dad told me I’m going to meet lots of mean people in life. He means well... 

By 6:15 a.m., Dad would take off for work, so he’d kiss his honey goodbye and wish me a good day. Back when I was the only one staying at the house with Dad, I’d carry his bags out to the car; but by September, usually Tita would do this. I appreciated that she’d alleviated some of my burdens. She let me focus more on my own tasks, like language studies. 

After Dad left, Tita would return upstairs to sleep. In the afternoon, she’d resume cooking to prepare dinner. I’d often still be in the kitchen/dining room since I usually had my computer and notebooks set up there. The house hasn’t really had many other tables on which to work. 

Dad tended to get home around 6:45 p.m., hence our family’s usual mealtime. Whoever was nearby would set the table and summon the others. Afterward, we’d all usually pitch to put away the dishes and table mats while Pa and Tita got ready for their evening walk (or while Dad got distracted watching politics on the news). Tita had us leave food out for the others who’d missed dinner. 

And now to share the unique activities of my week’s days! 

MONDAYS: Non-Profit + Chinese

Mondays and Tuesdays were my Chinese days. Besides the usual Latin in the morning, I’d have a Chinese call in the evening with a teacher whom I’d met through Discord and reddit. The Chinese woman happened to have more free time through the pandemic, and so she felt happy to work with an eager student like me for free! I’d prep for our calls by reading her textbook and watching tutorial videos she’d taped. She encouraged me to give feedback, too. 

Before our half-hour Chinese calls, Monday afternoons were also a bit busier. My siblings and I had our Foundation calls to go over the non-profit we were building to honor our late mother and help others. I usually just told people around me that my calls were to catch up with my sibs, which was also true. Since June, we’d been meeting to incorporate as we built up for our Oct. 8, 2020 launch. 

Foundation meetings reminded me of extracurricular boards on which I’d sat during my undergrad and brought to mind my experiences in national public relations and advertising competition courses during my final years in journalism school. I felt like I’d been doing this type of work for years! 

My siblings and I later moved our meeting time to Thursday afternoons to better accommodate school and work schedules. 

And Mondays weren’t all-work-and-no-play. Usually by Monday nights I could find the new episode of “Crash Course: Linguistics” available on YouTube. I really liked those. Plus on Mondays, I could often find online versions of the newest Japanese “Pokémon Journeys” episodes with English subtitles. I’d gotten back into the show in Mongolia when I’d heard that its lead protagonist finally became Champion. Amazing to see! 

TUESDAYS: Chinese + Social Justice in Psychology

Tuesdays continued Monday’s Chinese. At 8 a.m. I hopped onto a call of language learners through the National Security Girl Squad (which welcomes men, too!). We’d discuss current political events and interests in Chinese, which definitely helped my vocab. The group reminds me of folks I’d met while participating in the U.S. Department of State Critical Language Scholarship (CLS) Program 2018. Many involved in our calls had also done CLS! 

After the Chinese call finished at 9, I sometimes slipped up a bit swapping back to Latin. But, I figure I just need to toughen up that mental acuity. 

At 4 p.m., though later moved to 5 p.m., I’d hop on another Zoom for an entirely different topic. I've been serving on the Social Justice Task Force for Division 36 of the American Psychological Association! We focus on how we can live social justice within the Society for the Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. I’ve learned so much from these scholars, practitioners and doctoral students. They even appointed me Task Force secretary from early October. 

Tuesday nights I also get another Pokémon break, in the form of Spotlight Hour in Pokémon GO. Sometimes I jog over to a local park for this. The event lets me catch some rarer Pokémon before dinner, hehe. 

WEDNESDAYS: Advocacy + Scripture + Calls

Surprisingly similar to my undergrad years, Wednesdays tended to be my ‘gauntlet’ for the week. Once I got through Wednesdays, I got through the week. 

On a couple Wednesdays, I’d gotten scheduled on behalf of the National Peace Corps Association (NPCA) conference calls with Nevada Rep. Horsford’s and Sen. Rosen’s offices. I experienced a bit of stress coordinating these activities as a citizen advocate, but I found the thrill of mobilizing decades of Returned Peace Corps Volunteers rewarding. (I even got to meet one in-person who teaches at the Uni of Nevada, Las Vegas!) Thanks to our efforts, Rep. Horsford opted to co-sponsor some urgent Peace Corps legislation, and I even got to publish an advocacy article in the NPCA’s WorldView magazine! 

At Wednesday noons, I’d reconnect with a Christian friend with whom I read a Scripture chapter a day. We’d studied abroad together in Shanghai, China 2017, actually! We’d catch up about life, reflect on our readings and chat about our foci for the week. God, I love fellowship. 

On a couple more Wednesdays, I had my virtual meetings with the Honors College at the Uni of Nevada, Reno. Timing tended to place our External Affairs committee and Community Advisory Board meetings on Wednesdays. I also wound up as secretary for the latter! Meanwhile, I served as co-chair of our Alumni Task Force; its meeting fell on a Thursday. For some reason, other calls with friends tended to stack up on Wednesdays, too. 

By the night’s end, I was usually pretty tired. But, Pokémon GO had its legendary Raid Hour! So I usually jogged to the park or someplace for another cool Pokémon before it changed. Fun times. 

THURSDAYS and FRIDAYS: Recentering

Thursdays and Fridays tended to be similar in terms of functions. Sometimes I’d have web conference events on these mornings. Otherwise, I’d usually sprinkle excess meetings from Wednesdays into Thursday afternoons. 

Thursday mornings I’d have a quick check-in call with one of my fellow evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteers who was also telling her story. Thursday afternoons became my siblings’ and my family foundation’s new meeting time. First and third Thursday evenings, my Knights of Columbus College Council also prayed rosaries together over Zoom. 

Thursday and Friday mornings tended to be better for my Latin since I’d fewer outside stressors. I’d shifted my least urgent business to Friday afternoons. I’d usually get out any last emails Friday before the weekend or queue them for Monday. 

SATURDAYS: Wildcards

Saturdays varied. Sometimes they were like Fridays were fewer responsibilities. I did my own things, usually catching up on my Latin or working on personal projects. I saw national and state parks on one weekend! 

Saturdays were also the first of Dad’s couple days off. So, he was at the house, too. Sometimes Dad heaped on responsibilities, busying my weekend. 

SUNDAYS: Workdays

Sundays were pleasant. At 4 or 5 a.m., the American couple I’d befriended, who still worked in Mongolia, led their weekly Bible study video call with Mongolians. When my alarm successfully woke me up, I’d sign onto Zoom to chat with them about our week’s readings. I’d usually gain new insights, share what’s up in the States, and they’d mention what’s new in Mongolia. Then we’d offer our prayer intentions and sign off within the half-hour. 

Dad tended to get up a bit later on Sundays. Our family did a few activities together if he wasn’t out shopping with Tita. Besides fixing together a hardier Sunday brunch, our main activity would be to see the Sunday liturgy on one of the tellies upstairs. We tended to watch Fr. Nathan Mamo and the students from Our Lady of Wisdom Newman Center since that was the parish we’d attended in Reno. Sometimes my sister or I would appear on the videos, too. We’d occasionally help with the readings or psalms since we used to serve at Masses pre-pandemic. 

Given the many morning activities, my Latin-tutoring friend and I tended to call off or call short our calls on Sundays. 

Sometime after the liturgy, Dad often had me or my siblings come outside to help him with yard work. Dad works on his days off—been his way since before I was born, judging from stories of my older half-brother. I figure it’s from his childhood on the farm or maybe past life as an army officer. Dad works hard. 

Well, it’s a busy life, but I’m grateful to have finally been receiving Pandemic Unemployment Assistance. That’s let me stress less while I wait to get back to the Peace Corps. I’m an extremely fortunate soul. 

Into October

Toward September’s end, I found out I wouldn’t be returning to Peace Corps Mongolia until Jan. 2021 at the earliest. This led me to prioritize readying my things for my future redeployment. It also gave me the comfort to let teams and friends know I’d be around longer. I felt weird knowing I’ll be in the States this year for such holidays as Hallowe’en, Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, God opens many doors.

By my last week this September, I still really felt ‘abroad.’ I haven’t settled much into the U.S. since returning. I feel more like I’m ‘just visiting.’ I wonder when I’ll feel at home again. I try to keep in mind that home is wherever I feel secure, safe and comfortable, welcomed and belonging in my community and space. Now that I’ve a bedroom again in the Vegas house where I’d spent middle and high school, that could help.

Usually once or twice a week Dad still has a yard task or chore for me to do, but those have been less frequent since fall set in. I think now that there’s more for me to attend to in Vegas, I’ll probably return there from late October. Let me know if you want to chat! Love to hear how people’ve been weathering this pandemic. 

As for this blog, more to come! I look forward to writing about diversity, considering both nature and people. Remember to vote, American friends! What a year we’ve had. 

 You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

Could you talk more about Stanford stereotypes regarding literally anything (idk majors?) bc they way how you explain them is literally so funny/good

lmao aw ily, you can always come to me if u want my opinion related to anything stanford (stereotypes about dorms, sports teams, greek life, a cappella ??) because i have A Lot Of It - i only wish i was more integrated with the school cuz most of my opinions are hearsay instead of personal experience

major stereotypes….hmm thats hard cuz there are So Many majors but i can just go with the most common ones and group some together, etc

engineering:

aero/astro - small department full of space nerds, most of them are in SSI, drones, i personally consider them very brainy and if i were better at engineering i would be aero/astro cuz i think it’s the next frontier. there should definitely be more women in it for sure

bioe - my ex was bioe, they’re a bunch of nerds but they have good enough hearts. they care about curing diseases and shit

CS - oh boy. ohhhhhh boy. here we fuckin go. honestly CS is barely even a sterotype at stanford cuz its such a dominant culture…..the people who decide what stereotypes even are, are probably CS. it’s gotten to the point where if i meet someone and they aren’t CS it’s worth noting. it’s gotten to the point where, in my psych/literature/communications/education classes, i expect the other people to be CS. i have so many Opinions on CS Boys because CS Boys are such!!!!a!!!type!!!! (and different from just, a boy who does CS). they worship the trinity of google, facebook, and microsoft. their junior summer internship is at least one of these. they buy into all silicon valley startup culture and they love elon musk and talk about venture capital when its really not welcome. they love talking about how much work they have and how little they sleep. all INTJs. probably virgos. there is also a subgenre of CS boy who didnt come into stanford wanting to do CS and ended up switching because its easier to be a CS Boy at stanford. they criticize the culture all the time. to this you can say, “it’s all right, craig, i know you just want to make money.”

CME - people major in this when they dont love themselves

design - i personally think this major is fuckin cool and considered it before i realized physics was a pre-req. the d school is thought to be d for douchey though because their whole shtick is so ~ideate~ ~prototype~ ~We Are Quirky and Put Post-Its On Walls~ but i dug it as a frosh. they can be kinda condescending, but theyre by far the most interdisciplinary dept in the engineering major (although its also full of white men who think theyre hot shit cuz they can use photoshop)

EE - again for people who lack self love, its supposed to be so fuckin hard

MS&E - white frat boys who glorify jordan belfort

ME - similar to design. live at the PRL. stay up till ungodly hours carving wood. somehow this is enjoyable. also white male heavy

who knows how the f to categorize this:

education - if i could do stanford over i would major in this. usually very diverse, woke, often come from underprivileged backgrounds so they want to make it better for other people and reach communities that arent currently benefited (unlike silicon valley or wall street :) ) i respect them because they do what they love and not to make $ although if educational engineering were a thing im certain people would jump ship. it’s also not in the humanities dept so i feel like theyre Above the stanford hegemony and i love that

earthsys - i considered a minor in this. usually sweet, earth-friendly people. white but woke. possibly queer. granola loving hippies and maybe some frathletes who want an “easy” major but not sure (im not shitting on easy majors. i have one. love ‘em)

generally i like girls in any of the engineering depts because they are dealing with sexism and doing it. the boys are oftentimes extremely self-congratulatory and will usually say something dumb about the humanities. even the girls will hit you with the “oh i wish i could study that!” about any non-engineering discipline, and it’s implied that what they’re really saying is “but i care about my future too much!” 

humanities/sciences:

AAAS/chicanx studies/asian-american studies/CSRE - woke poc who use lots of buzzwords and say things like folx

art - the people who major in art are usually more quiet than you’d think. we have an Artsy Type at stanf that are kind of extra (theta chi/EBF types, also very woke QPOC) but i dont think theyre art majors for the most part. i barely know any actual art Majors. lots of engineers just do art on the side

bio - i love bio majors because they are sciency but also get shit on by engineers so we’re in solidarity. they are sweet and study all the time and just wanna make the world a better place. there’s also the pre-med kind of bio who i would hate if i were also pre med but since im not i just kind of admire and fear them

chem - i like chem people much more than i thought i would. again a very small major and they just live in lab and have varied non chem interests. this year i accidentally became friends with like 6 people from the chem fraternity and i was surprised how much i liked them

complit/english - i was this major! english in creative writing are usually chill, interesting people. complit and english in literature…….it’s a shakespeare circlejerk and they hit you with the Discourse. overly educated white people. avoid the boys specifically but the girls can also be incredibly self-satisfied. maybe 50/50. but if you take a creative writing class instead of a lit class, the CW kids are usually awesome

taps - our drama department. they’re nice, but extra and intimidating. (also stanford theater is…..okay….not really as good as they seem to think it is yikes that was mean but) however, like with english, take an introductory class and you’ll meet very cool non-taps majors.

econ - oftentimes wonderful people! outside of class that is

femgen - same people as the AAAS/CSRE crowd except whiter. queer girls with undercuts. upperclassmen are intimidating to many. everyone shares their opinion even when its not warranted. my honors is in this

film studies - this was almost my minor and if i werent CW i might have doubled in film and comm! i dont know any film majors but if they arent a cole sprouse im sure theyre fine (they are probably a cole sprouse)

german/italian/french/spanish language or studies - spot the person who studied abroad!

history - like english, can be cool, more likely pretentious

humbio - the other premeds! actually humbio gets shit on alllll the time for being easy or having a fluff major, bio majors think they’re soft. thus, i like them. their course catalog is awesome and its a huge major but all the scary pre meds are straight up bio and humbios are softer but in a good way its a lot of sweet girls

intl relations - one of my favorite majors. usually very down to earth, the best of the IR/poli-sci/pub-po trinity. however, they can also be self-congratulatory for being So Woke and also they love to educate you when You Didn’t Ask

linguistics - weird, diverse people. very small major. similar to anthro, my old major. i love small majors they always have cute dinners together

MCS - a hard fuckin major. not as “Look How Smart I Am” as a bad CS. mostly quiet and stay in and study their ass off

math - love to wax poetic about the beauty of math. fun when drunk. not when sober

philosophy/MTL/classics - avoid. classics can be okay if it overlaps with archaeology because theyre just a bunch of nerds and they get really excited and its cute. phil majors would rather just educate you about how free will is fake and youre like tim can you please just get out of the way we’re in the dining hall and you’re blocking the cornbread

physics - Avoid. they think all other sciences are lesser. women and POC are ok

poli-sci - hit or miss. generally pretty friendly. very talkative. fun to talk to about Not Politics

psych - the best major hehe. generally liberal and woke and often queer. however, non-psych people in psych classes can be a nightmare (unlike english, taps, etc) and problematic as fuck. also sometimes psych majors are extra (exhibit a: me)

pub policy - probably in student government. im biased against it, but go in with hesitation. student government is by and large not as effective as they seem to think (however, a “woke” person in pub po might be cool because they will campaign for sexual assault awareness and economic diversity and good stuff)

STS - ohhhhh man. probably the major that gets most shit on at stanford. i think engineers think it’s fake. (humbio, design, and STS get shit on the most i’d say, because they are interdisciplinary STEM majors, so engineers think that they’re for people who arent smart enough to do hard majors. whereas with english or IR, engineers know they couldnt do it because they havent written an essay since 2009, so they offer grudging respect) a frathlete major. i personally like it because i dig interdisciplinary shit, but i don’t dig frat boys or athletes so i avoid. some of their courses are great but it does seem kind of scrapped together as a major and i dont know how people outside of stan see it

sociology - a small major, seems cool. stigmatized but not by stanford because stanford students dont know it exists. “dont you mean psychology?” no

urban studies - skaters? who knows. i respect them tho. i think they care about….like….architecture? and city development? its a very niche thing and i feel like it’s pretty hip n happening

Another nameless fantasy project infodump

Important Concordia Faculty & Staff (This is like a severe understatement I hate typing on my phone, there is so much more I wanted to write) Hasannah headmaster of Concordia Academy. A night elf native to Opral, she traveled to the Artraria-Prainia to pursue an education during the Great War, and though her brilliance got her accepted into one of the kingdom's higher schools, she was never allowed to forget how lucky she was to even set foot on the campus. Though she struggled with programs designed to keep her and other non-humans down, she used this educational experience -- along with her people's incredible memory and cognitive capabilities -- to assist her in becoming one of the most masterful linguists in the known world, speaking over 30 languages (with varying degrees of proficiency based on how prevalent a language or dialect is used). Being able to communicate with others and discovering the differences in cultures instilled her with a desire to bring people together, and when the Great War officially ended, she saw this as an opportunity. Knowing how formative her education was in her youth, her first idea was to establish a school with the goal of bringing the newly peaceful world together, to learn to understand, care for, and respect each other with the ultimate goal of preventing another bloody, unjust war. This school became Concordia Academy, the name stemming from the common tongue word "concord," meaning harmony and agreement among varying groups of people. Night Elves have a notoriously unusual appearance compared to the more human appearances Wood Elves, Coast Elves, and Glacier Elves. Unlike the varying flesh tones and standard eye colors of other elf species, Night Elves sport deep gray, heavily calloused skin and red eyes, due to being born and growing up in the near complete darkness of mines and caves. Though new generations have lowered light sensitivity, their bodies have not evolved to exclude the biological protective measures against the sun they used to require to live. Hasannah's hair matches her eyes, a deep scarlet, and she stands at nearly six feet and possess immense strength from hard labor she had to do as a child. She is a very imposing figure and her authoritative demeanor is befitting of a headmaster -- though she does have a soft spot for all of her young students and hopes they grow and become the best they can be. Hasannah, at the story's start, is around 129 years old, though she looks to be in her late 30s. Belmont If geography professor Belmont has a full name, he has not shared it. It is unknown if Belmont is his first name or surname -- not even Hasannah knows, though it's more because she sensed a desire for privacy and simply hasn't pressed him. A damphyr (half-vampire), he took advantage of his little need for food and sleep in his youth to travel the world and become an expert cartographer, hoping to discover new places and new people. He was the one who discover the island of Sertari still existed, as it was long thought to have been swallowed up by the maelstrom. He also discovered their dislike of outsiders when he was nearly skewered by spear when his small ship was spotted off the coast. He still reported it to Hasannah, telling her if she wanted to attempt to get a Sertari child to attend, the only way to reach them would be by air. He carries a flask with him everywhere he goes, filled with animal blood to discreetly stave off cravings and avoid frightening students. Many new students believe at first that he is a heavy drinker, until the semester continues and he proves his wit is as sharp as anyone's -- so it's a common game among older students to tell first years differing and increasingly ridiculous accounts of what's in it (Belmont will tell them if asked and would very much like this game to stop). He cares very deeply for students who seem to be ostracized and will go out of his way to make sure they feel safe at Concordia. Belmont looks to be in his 30s as well, but due to being a damphyr this is a misnomer, he is actually 65. Asahi Asahi is Concordia's healer and runs the school's infirmary. She is a essentially as close to a prodigy as a witch can get, knowing advanced magic despite being 28 years old (the youngest Concordia staff member). Since healing magic is by far the simplest to learn, Hasannah told Asahi that if she would take time to heal students when they were sick or injured, she could make use of the school's rare Spellmaster, a large machine allowing magic users to view the content of spells and hexes (such as Timelocks [indicating whether a spell is permanent or will wear off after a set amount of time], Metamorphs [if any physical changes made by a spell or hex are actually harmful to the body or merely cosmetic], and the Levels [how advanced the magic users must be to cast the spell successfully]). The more dramatic effect of the spell, the more components there are. This also allows her to craft her own spells and while she does like to experiment, most of her projects are healing-based, to make her job and students' lives easier. Asahi is a workaholic if there ever was one -- when she isn't looking after students, she's researching and experimenting. Many of her coworkers joke that the bed in her small apartment just off the infirmary has never been slept in. Asahi works so hard because of her gratitude towards Hasannah for giving her both a job and a home far away from the difficult life she had been living. NOTE: Asahi's name is pronounced "a-sigh" Concordia Academy The school, which would not only teach simple essentials such as arithmetic, world history, geography, and a common tongue, also offers classes in magic for young magic-users, engineering and alchemy for those inclined toward the sciences, and most importantly the history of all magical races and cultures, which students take various forms three out of the five years they attend the school. Concordia is a boarding school with dorms that can house up to 1,000 students. Every magical race is offered a full-ride scholarship for one student, preferably around 13 years old (the people themselves decide who attends, it's usually the child of a high ranking member of their society, but not always) in order to create a level of diversity beneficial to the students. There is also the option for families to pay tuition for their children to attend (scholarship money & general funding has to come from somewhere), and because Concordia has achieved a kind of prestige over the years, many parents (mostly from the kingdoms) will reserve spaces years before their children are even old enough to attend, due to preference being given to scholarship students. Hasannah hates having to tell parents willing to pay to attend the school she's so proud of that there is no room left for their child. Students attend Concordia for 5 years, and the graduation rate is high. The end goal of graduation is for the scholarship students to become disseminators of basic knowledge, which was thought to be a lot of responsibility to put on an 18-year-old, but the reception has been positive. Hasannah is disappointed that there are certain races she has not been able to get to attend -- she has sent invitations to the Sertari tribe for years with no response, and when she broached the idea of inviting a Merikh she received severe pushback, primarily parents threatening to not let their students attend if there was a "demon" floating around the school. However, as the 100th anniversary of the war's end arrives and the school-hosted Centennial Festival approaching, Hasannah made the invitation. What could go wrong? (See "nameless fantasy project" tag for examples of what could go wrong)

Having thoughts and then saying them: a guide to speaking up in class

Asking questions during lecture and speaking up in discussion section are great ways to stay engaged during class, learn things, and make an impression on your professors. They can also be a bit intimidating, so here are three patterns of questions and three attitudes to take that can result in productive question-asking.

(Before any of that, though, I must highlight one thing: Do the reading! Do your homework! It's much easier to have things to say when you're prepared.)

First, the (non-exhaustive) question categories . . .

What's the exception? Asking yourself this question is one of the easiest ways to produce interesting questions about a topic. What is your professor not talking about? What is an example where the theory they're discussing produces weird results? What is a counterexample to the statement they just made? Making this even easier, different disciplines often have their own established "exceptions"/edge cases that can quickly produce fruitful questions. For example, even today you can still get a lot from asking "What was going on with the women/peasants/slaves?" in a history class, and bilingualism produces all sorts of interesting complications in linguistics. I'm no expert, but I might also throw out discontinuous functions or empty lists as more technical examples. However, the most exceptional questions stem from points that are exceptions only to the current topic at hand. For instance, "How does this theory of prosody involving syllables deal with non-syllabic languages?" or "That doesn't seem to apply to the Russian revolution of 1905." Successfully finding an exception usually demonstrates that you've understood the underlying concepts (this theory relies on syllable structure) and that you can relate what you're hearing in class to outside knowledge (the Russian revolution), both of which are excellent things to demonstrate!

Prediction A great technique for developing reading comprehension in first graders, this is still relevant for college students sitting in class. What is the next step the professor will take in solving this math problem? What are the implications of this theory? What will result from the actions of this historical figure? What will the professor talk about on the next slide? If your prediction is correct, congratulations, you understand the material! If your prediction is incorrect, even better! Try to isolate the reasons why your prediction differs from reality, then ask about them. Some examples of prediction-related questions: "Why did you use method x instead of method y?" "Are there factors related to religion/subject-verb agreement/evolution that lead to the otherwise surprising result of x?" "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??" "If my understanding of x is correct, that should imply y - has y been observed?" "How did Constantinople react when faced with these going-ons across their border?" "Can you talk about [interesting thing you predicted the professor would talk about but then they never did]?"

Emotional Reaction Are you mad about what you read or what you're hearing? Sad? Inspired? Talk about it! To be fair, this is best for discussion sections in the humanities/social sciences, which study such questions as "What is the most common emotional reaction to this stimulus?", "What techniques do authors use to get the emotional reaction they want?", or "How did the emotional reactions of people living through this past event lead to the next thing that happened?" The easiest way for me to explain how to spin an emotion into an argument is through examples, so here are three examples of thought processes easily develop-able into things to say: "I found this piece of historical propaganda surprisingly compelling - for reasons x - and the people at whom it was targeted might also find it compelling for reasons x' - or maybe not for reasons y - but the makers of this propaganda were definitely using methods x'' to try and reach people - who were the precise demographic targeted by this propaganda anyway? - meanwhile these events were going on which makes this propaganda misleading at best, so I don't really endorse my reaction but ..." "Wow, this character was really underserved by the author - but they were definitely morally justified for reasons x - though I suppose some might argue y - I could feel the way they were being judged wrongly through the wording of these lines - and I don't think it was just an unreliable narrator because of these events ..." "Okay, I get that you're obsessed with the Orient, but how othering can you possibly get? - how accurate was the information available about India at the time anyway? that must have been at least two layers of translation - was this attitude shared by most of his contemporaries? - was there any reaction from anyone in India - hmm looks like his opinions about God are kind of intertwined with this, that's interesting ..."

Moving on to the attitudes . . .

Argumentative This is absolutely the attitude most conducive to having thoughts. This is partially because it's the easiest mental place from which to play the game of "What's the exception?", but in general it's just easiest to have valuable thoughts when you're busy having opinions. Unfortunately, it's also the attitude most conducive to coming off like an arrogant jerk. I think the best way to think about this is that you're not arguing with your professor, you're arguing with the material presented (which could be full of lies to children or other such "errors"). Actually, you're not even arguing with that - you're arguing with your understanding of the material! (See "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??") Trying to develop this sort of attitude is also a good counterbalance to any tendency towards shyness or a reluctance to question the information presented.

Curious It's really important that you're asking questions you genuinely want the answer to, talking about things that you legitimately find interesting. It's fine to be partially motivated by wanting to seem intelligent, but excuses to sound smart generally don't actually sound very smart.

Literally saying anything Seriously. Say anything vaguely relevant/interesting that pops into your head. Speaking rarely is actually a pretty risky strategy. What if that one thing you thought was super insightful was actually kind of dumb? Then nothing that you said in class was worthwhile. If you say a lot of stuff, on the other hand, even if some of it is a bit silly everything will still average out into a general impression of intelligence. Also, even questions that show your ignorance can prove that you at least had thoughts in your head. Asking the professor to clarify a specific step in a math problem shows that you were following along with the previous steps. Returning again to "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??", this sort of question proves that you were thinking about implications. Ultimately, I did much better in classes where I spent most of my time wishing my mouth would just stop talking than classes where I spent most of my time staring out the window.

And now for the bonus. . .

Asking for further resources This is hands down the best sort of question to demonstrate motivation, intelligence, and interest while building a relationship with your professor. Go to office hours, or chat with them after class, and ask for recommendations about something you find interesting. If you actually read the thing (highly recommended!) then you have a ready-made topic of discussion to go to office hours with and build that relationship further. If that sounds too intimidating, you can just briefly mention one part of the thing you read that you found interesting if they ask and get brownie points from that. If even that is too much, well - you just read an interesting new thing! There's no way to lose. Examples: "I'm actually a linguistics major, so my attention was caught by your mention of the role of language in colonization. Is there an introduction to the topic you could recommend?" "I thought your brief explanation of neural nets was super interesting – is there anything I can read to find out more?"