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larkthorne · 10 months

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[Image ID: the cover of a book: Laundry Love: Finding Joy In A Common Chore by Patric Richardson with Karin B. Miller. The title is in rainbow letters on a yellow background with a stylized drawing of a front load washing machine with a heart on the door in the middle of the cover. /End ID]

Hello to all of you with laundry on chairs, etc, whose executives also fail to function, hope you're well, etc.

Just want to recommend this book to anyone who dislikes laundry or can't keep on top of it! I listened to the audiobook a couple months ago and it has changed the way I do laundry. Here's a TL;DR summary but if you can get this book from your library or whatever it's a charming, easy, quick read.

The basic gist of this life-changing laundry method is, you look at your week. You pick a day that works. That's laundry day babey. Six days a week, don't worry about it. On laundry day, do something. (Caveat: my laundry day is nominally Wednesday but well. It does shift around! For my two person household, as long as I don't go longer than 10 days between Laundry Day we're fine. Your mileage may vary.) Laundry!

Laundry Day, per the method in Laundry Love, is a celebration. One puts on a fun playlist. One watches a trashy romcom while folding. One has a disco ball in one's laundry room, etc. Laundry Day is for enacting care on the things that go on your body everyday.

(I've not quite got that far, but I do try to make it pleasant. I like an audiobook or a podcast.)

The method has you split your clothes into lights, darks, warm colors, and cool colors. I don't think this is like, totally necessary - I like to do it, but if it was a very low spoons day, just sort of making two to four mid-size piles regardless of color would be fine. It is handy to have more smaller piles rather than one or two big ones, in my experience - more on that later.

Before you wash each load, ideally you pretreat stains (the book goes into detail, i mostly just scrub soap onto stains with a toothbrush which mostly works).

(There are also ways you can process silky fabric and wool fabric to allow it to go in the machine instead of dry cleaning or just chucking it in and hoping for the best! Basically: laundry net bags. Silky things in them. Roll up wool sweaters or w/e tightly, then put in the net bag, and pin down the excess. But also, if you don't have silky or wool things, like. Don't worry about it.)

Each load of laundry is washed on warm, on the quick cycle, with extra/high spin. Use like. A tablespoon of eco-friendly clothing detergent. I use a tablespoon of washing soda in the detergent drawer of my front loader and 2 tablespoons of castile soap in the drum of the washer, because Nancy Birtwhistle from Great British Bake-Off told me to, and it's very cheap per load and very effective. But it is better to use eco friendly stuff where you can because it leads to less irritants and pollutants and, this is key, less buildup on your clothes. And use less -- a tablespoon is plenty.

The short cycle on warm is enough to get your clothes clean! Without letting them get too beat up for longer than they need. The extra spin gets them dryer so they take less time to dry.

It is ideal to dry things by hanging them on a line or whatever! That's the platonic ideal of laundry. Clothes last longer and smell nice if you dry them outside. But I've had a Month Or Two and I've been using the dryer. It does wear your clothes out faster and uses up not-strictly-necessary energy but you gotta make it out of the laundry chair cycle somehow so do what you gotta do.

The good thing about the three or four small-to-mid piles of laundry is, as they come out of the dryer, you can fold it and put it away promptly, and it can feel far less overwhelming than looking at Mount Laundry.

Rotate through the piles you made earlier - quick cycle in the wash, dry them somehow, put them away. Only one day a week! The book suggests this takes 3-4 hours. I get tired if I try to do it all at once so I tend to let it take all day, taking breaks as necessary, but it's like, my only chore to do that day. (I still sometimes leave the last load of laundry in the dryer...)

The book offers tips for if you use a laundromat too! I don't, so can't speak to that. I think, though, having the same mindset: one day a week (ish) everything gets done. Some weeks that's aspirational, but there's always another go.

But, crucially: if it's not Laundry Day, simply do not worry about laundry. Put it in a hamper and that's that.

It's not perfect and it won't work for everyone I'm sure, but I learned a lot from the book (despite having a background in costuming and being a hobby sewist - I know about taking care of fabric! And I learned a lot). I really enjoy assigning a day to be For Laundry, and just allowing it to fall off the radar the other days. I always know another Laundry Day is coming.

Anyway! That's me done being bossy on the internet today. Happy laundry!

#laundry #book recommendations #chores #executive function #im just so excited about this way of doing laundry #i always felt behind on laundry and Not Good Enough and w/e and this method has made such a huge difference #patric richardson calls himself 'the laundry evangelist' and i get why he does lmao #long post

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gideonisms · 11 months

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Okay okay final degree paperwork finalized I THINK and I THINK I get to just move downstairs for $50 cheaper. So now I just need to focus on jobs & getting this place spotless

#i don't want to jinx myself #idk why this whole process has been so drawn out #well i do know. because i was in mental hell much of that time and my executive function has been near catastrophic failure from birth ♥️#but when you think about it this is an inspiring tale! girl with no sense and very little ability to withstand life's trials #nevertheless achieves complete mediocrity rather than just dying #proud to be a girlfailure whose greatest ambition is to live in mediocre apartment with a cat and enough to eat #finish my fics and then one day self publish a series of niche novels written specifically for wlw who liked the x files and trc #but wished they had more dysfunctional lesbians #one day get the stains out of my rug and repaint where i have heat damage on the hood of my car #truly just want to be kind of lonely stuck in bad jobs that nevertheless pay me enough to eat and give me enough time to walk in the park #those are the problems i want to move on to

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stillagoodwitch · 7 months

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can my advisor PLEASE approve my classes or message me to say i can’t take that many so i know if i can graduate in time

#i keep telling everyone i don’t care because like whatever happens it’s out of my control at this point #but i guess i’m lying???#today was a very weird day #i don’t want to get my hopes up #i thought i calculated it all so well but ?? apparently not #and like i refused to take some classes last semester because then my school would get longer for sure #IF I KNEW IT WAS STILL A POSSIBILITY I WOULD TAKE THEM AND LIKE HAVE A GUARANTEED JOB AFTER I GRADUATE #will delete probably lmao #im just Stressed a little #just enough to take my executive function to the top

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laughinglynx · 10 days

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Hello beloved hellsite people, please help me make a decision XD

I'm about to finish Assassin's Creed: Odyssey, and I have too many other games I could play next. Y'all have good opinions on games soooo....

#help me internet friends #I cannot make this decision on my own my executives don't function enough for that #also wow my first poll

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vstheworld · 9 months

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cleaned all the stickers and dust and roach leavings and rat piss off my mirror.

no longer a dirty kid in a dirty mirror. this feels like character growth.

#that last house was really bad y’all #it’s not really til we left that I realized how bad #we picked up so it was an organized depression nest #but with rats and roaches there’s just no way to combat the damage fast enough #like I’m sure I smelled #I was just nose-blind to it #crustpunk af but I thought I left all that behind when I stopped being homeless #my partner and I are slowly crawling out of the hole we were in together #the new house has monthly pest control #and we’re actually organizing it so everything is useable and accessible #we’re using habitica to build chore schedules because we both have shit memory and executive function #it’s hard #but I think we can have a home we aren’t ashamed of #fuck the old landlord tho he ran a fuckin slum house and is trying to come back at us for the damages #bitch you never fixed anything #our a/c was window vents shoved in a hole in the wall #the carpet was old and dirty when we got it #how dare you act like we’re the only problem here #we also haven’t been on a lease for 3 years so idk what this dumb asshole thinks will happen if he takes us to court #like I think keeping our security deposit is fair but fuck you on the rest of it #we cleaned the shit outta that place it’s just the carpet that needs replacing #THE HEAT WAS TWO RV HEATERS STUCK ON THE WALL SCOTT #you fucking slumlord #personal #cash yells in the tags because therapy is expensive

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muninnhuginn · 1 year

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When series begin to question their initial premise and in doing so pull the rug from underneath the audience's feet. Like, walking up a hill and sitting on a bench only to find out I actually just sat down on a roller coaster

#mob psycho 100 #kaguya-sama #steven universe future #(these are the three that come to mind for me. probably in this order in terms of execution from best to worst too)#I feel like these all pull it off by playing into genre conventions tbh. The audience *could* question mob's explosions or reigen using mob #but for the most part it just trundles along and basically functions as a mechanic for the setting? Until you find out it's not #with kaguya-sama it tends to use its comedic side to set the scene. The entire idea of them confessing to each other is a competition #until it's not #but kaguya-sama actually does this multiple times where something is a gag until you look closer and it's actually not #su: f is doing this to the entire og series by looking at how a chara like steven fits in the genre #but actually that has implications. the ideal understanding hero doesn't exist in isolation #ugh anyway there's probably some trope name for this but idk exactly what it is #mp100 #su #suf #(edit: also I realise this makes it sound like reigen taking advantage of mob is entirely ignored which isn't quite the case #because separation arc. but it's not actually concluded there even tho it seems that way)#idk if utena would count with the entire idea of a prince not existing but I feel like it's upfront enough from the start #about deconstructing that idea that it doesn't feel like it quite fits in that category with the rest)

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months

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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

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ereh-emanresu-tresni · 2 days

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#my brain hits me w 'wow it's wild it's been so long' nostalgia a lot but it's usually more just like a less serious funny curiosity #lately I've been feeling a lot more severely empty 'never getting that back nor anything to replace it'#and if that could kindly Cease i would appreciate it very much lol #tbf it's prob largely due to sleep schedule being a mess and not having eaten in a couple days so like. could be addressed easily enough #if my executives could simply function halfway competently but alas #anyway yeah too many thoughts brain scrampled egg

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gillianthecat · 6 months

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Ugh. Why do I have to figure out what to eat everyday day. Multiple times a day. And then also figure out how to get it ready to be eaten. And all of that takes time. Boo. Not fair. I wanna be one of those air plants that can just chill and still survive.

#even if I'm not hungry my body still needs caleries #and eventually complains if if don't give it enough #like an annoying pet #(don't worry. i do feed my pets.)#my life with adhd #food mention #tw food #adhd #it's just like. that's a task that can take up all my available executive function capacity some days #and then I don't have any leftover for other tasks #venting

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theygender · 1 year

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The fact that ADHD meds can only be refilled by calling the pharmacy and speaking with the pharmacist directly is such bullshit. You want me, known haver of ADHD, to remember to call and then follow through on it?? Madness

#why cant i use the app that i use to refill all of my other prescriptions #or just tell the little automated voice on the answering machine that i need it refilled like i can with my other meds #or text 'yes' when i receive an automated message asking me if i want to refill?#not only do i have to remember to call (unlikely)#that remembrance also has to occur during hours that the pharmacy is actually OPEN (unlikely)#and then i have to have the executive function to complete the task of making the phone call (unlikely)#AND feel mentally prepared enough to speak with another human being over the phone (unlikely)#i mean. do you SEE why this may be difficult for someone with unmedicated (bc they ran out) adhd #rambling

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stabastian-the-knife · 1 year

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Summary: Villain’s life has always been the same: threaten the city, taunt Hero a bit, get defeated by Hero but escape at the last moment swearing revenge, rinse and repeat. But when Hero arrives at his doorstep and brings news of a newly arrived Supervillain, he takes matters into his hands. A failed mission later, he wakes in the lair of this new nemesis, and he’s forced to realize: maybe he was a bit overconfident in his abilities…

CWs: captivity, manhandling, collar, implied starvation (feel free to ask to tag/add anything I missed, be safe <3)

Villain stares down from their throne. At his feet kneels a shivering, disheveled Hero, held at gunpoint by two of Villain’s henchmen. He has never seen Hero so terrified before – whatever he had seen, if it was enough to send him directly to Villain’s lair, it must be something serious – or something extremely fun. At least for Villain.

“What do you want?” he spits at Hero. Hero flinches at the edge in the words but doesn’t back away.

“Look, I- I know we aren’t exactly on the best of terms.” Hero dares raise his head, only to meet Villain’s threatening gaze. “But, I think for now we should put aside our differences and-“

“Cut to the point, will ya?” Villain sharply injects, and Hero snaps his head down before continuing.

“There’s a new villain in town, Supervillain. I’ve- I’ve tried defeating him but he’s- he’s too strong and I can’t- I can’t beat him alone, I- I need your help.” He chances another quick glance at his nemesis. “Please.”

Villain glares at him with an unamused face, before suddenly standing up. He takes a moment to appreciate the terror he instills in his henchmen, then approaches Hero slowly, the henchmen backing away inch by inch at his calculated steps.

He bends down to Hero and grabs his chin, forcing him to look up. “All these years, you were so cocky and confident that you could defeat me alone. You’d tell me about all the friends you didn’t invite to our duels because I was, to quote, ‘too easy of a target for multiple people’. And now, some nobody shows up, and you’re running to me for help?”

Hero basically smells of fear, to the joy of Villain. He’d never admit, but he’s actually glad Hero never brought along any of his allies – it is much more fun to exchange witty banter with someone he already knows well. But if Hero’s words are true, and there is a new bad guy in town… that could ruin their dynamic.

Hero’s gaze trails off at the mention of his friends. “He… he already got them. That’s why I came to you. There’s no one else left.”

Villain’s nonchalant ruse drops for a moment. He never even heard of this guy and he already defeated Hero’s team? Who the heck is he?!

He quickly composes himself, and steps away from Hero. “How long has Supervillain been around?”

“A… a few days. He’s really good at his game.”

Implying I’m not, Villain thinks but decides not to hinder the conversation with it. Instead, he sighs dramatically, as if his next words pain him.

“I hate to say this, but… he does sound like a dangerous fella.” He waves his henchmen off. “Take Hero to our most secure and least comfortable chamber. I’m going to plan our next move.”

“Wait, what are you-“ Hero is pulled to his feet but he can only stare in disbelief.

Villain chuckles. “What, you really thought I was going to help you? Nah. We’re enemies, remember? I’m only doing this for myself. After all, if there’s anyone who’s going to take over this city, it has to be me. Not some wannabe supervillain.”

He waits until Hero is dragged out of the room before leaving to meet his generals.

“Well hello there!” Villain yells from the debris hill he’s standing on, trying to get the attention of his enemy. In front of him is a giant cat robot – two stories tall, armed to the brim with sharp and pointy and sometimes explody weapons, and currently ripping out the walls of the building in front of it. Villain knows he should be afraid, but then again, his trusty henchmen are surrounding the mech, all protected by their floating tanks, designed by Villain himself. Villain, though on the ground, is also wearing the most advanced armor to be found in miles.

He has no reason to be afraid.

“Hey kitty! I know you can hear me! Your eyes are cameras, aren’t they? Or are you stupid enough to actually sit in your giant furball?”

The cat, no longer interested in the wreckage that was once filled with offices, turns its head towards Villain. Even its eyes mimic the real deal, making Villain unable to see if there’s anyone standing behind them. Would make this problem a lot easier to solve.

“Finally! What’s a guy gotta do to get attention nowadays?” He shakes his head. “Anyways, hi! I’m Villain! And you’re destroying my stuff on my turf! So if you could leave and you know, never come back, that would be highly appreciated!”

The cat stares at him, crouching uncannily still. Villain’s breathing quickens a little, but he forces calmness onto himself. “Oh come on, not even a greeting for me? What, cat got your tongue?” He chuckles at his own joke and hears the forced laughter of his henchmen over the intercom.

Loud clicks and metallic scraping fill the air as the mech straightens up. Finally, some action! He tries to get a good look inside its mouth as it opens, maybe it’s filled with speakers and this is how the mech talks? Or flamethrowers, and Supervillain is as creative as a five-year-old. Come on, fire breathing cats?

But before he could see in, a bright white flash blinds him. He yelps as something hits him in the chest, pain like a million needles spreading through his body. His legs buckle under him, and he keeps down a groan as he hits the ground hard. His head lands on a chunk of concrete, nearly knocking him out.

Panic momentarily overtakes him. What the fuck WAS that?! Did he just shoot me with a laser beam? Has he no style?! But even with his swaying head and the world spinning around him, some intact part of his consciousness knows that his henchmen are coming for him, and they’re ready to take him to safety and patch him up. Heck, this isn’t even the worst he has ever been through, he’ll be fine. Probably.

After what feels like an eternity, strong hands grab him and start dragging him away. He hisses as sharp pieces of debris cut his skin. Whoever is carrying him will need to be taught a lesson – but as he pries his eyes open, his vision is too blurry to take out a face. Even the colors of their uniform are wrong – man, I must’ve hit my head pretty hard…

He can’t wonder for too long though. The next moment, he passes out.

He wakes in a quite cold room in a quite uncomfortable bed. He finds it strange – he has made it sure that the environment in the med bay is especially welcoming. He might threaten his henchmen for fun, but he isn’t a monster, he knows recovery is a difficult journey. Injured people don’t need more distress than their injuries already give them.

The only other option is that he’s in his own chambers, which is even less likely. What kind of villain would he be if he didn’t live as a king? Nah, there’s no way his bedroom would be so damn cold.

He shifts around, trying to shake the fog from his mind, and ignoring the thrumming pain in his chest. As he moves, he feels an odd tightness around his neck. It reminds him of that one time he managed to get knocked down several flights of stairs and his doctor got so worried she put him in a neck brace. But he couldn’t have hit his head that bad this time, could he?

Slowly, he brings his hand to his neck. His fingers touch not gauze but metal.

He opens his eyes.

The ceiling and what he sees of the walls are a crudish grey concrete. The minimal light is barely enough for him to make out the corners where the walls meet, the source outside of his vision. He’s lying on his back, so he can’t see much else, but even with his limited view, the room feels too empty.

He takes a deep breath. With lots of grunts and tears and heavy panting, he fights himself into a sitting position, and rests for a moment before he focuses on the room again. Yep, completely empty, not even a window, just a barren white door behind him. The only things breaking the monotony are the camera up in one of the corners – creepy –, the drain right in the middle of the floor – weird –, and the heavy chain lying next to it, connecting a ring in the wall to…

No, that can’t be right. He traces the chain, and his fingers end on the same metallic band around his neck.

Well, that can’t be good.

“Um, hey? Hello? Is anyone there?” he calls out, throat sore and chest still hurting. He doesn’t really expect a response, but finds the silence annoying nonetheless.

“Just so you know, I like my bedroom a lot warmer!” He pulls his leg in and shakily stands up, leaning on the wall when the world does some cartwheels around him. “It’s freezing in here!”

Still no reply. Maybe he really is alone. But the red light of the camera tells him otherwise.

He reaches for the doorknob with one last spark of hope. It’s locked.

A shiver runs down his spine and this time, it’s not from the cold.

He stands in his place for a bit, then decides it’d probably be better to conserve his energy, and drops down to the floor in resignation.

Another eternity passes by. His panic settles after a while and is instead replaced with anxious boredom. Two emotions that really shouldn’t be allowed to mix, in his opinion.

He’s almost at the point where he considers practicing his monologuing skills when the door finally bursts open. He flinches, but quickly hides his fear with a faked sneer.

Who comes in must be a soldier of sorts, judging by their looks. A wide array of weapons strapped on everywhere, armor that was definitely designed as a uniform, complete with a helmet that covered their face too. Stereotypical henchman attire, though a bit too heavy on the blacks.

“Hey there! Are you the housekeeper?” he tries to strike up a conversation but the other ignores him. They instead undo the chain locked into the wall – magnetic keys? Intriguing choice – in silence, so Villain continues. “I want to talk to whoever’s in charge here, the room is absolutely despicable! I mean the temperature alone, not to mention the offensively hard bed and- Agh!” His complaints are cut short by a sudden tug of his chains, nearly sending him to the floor. “Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

Their way leads through a labyrinth of endless corridors. Villain tries to keep his head up with pride, ignoring the clinging of the chain, tied around the hand of his captor. He focuses on counting the turns and hoping to spot an escape – but the moment he’s a bit slow, the guard yanks him again mercilessly.

“Well, maybe if you’ve given me any food I wouldn’t be so exhausted to follow,” he mutters once, loud enough for the other to hear, but he only receives another sharp pull.

They end up in the largest throne room Villain has ever seen. If not for the circumstances, he might’ve enjoyed exploring the place – it’s intricately detailed pillars, the colorful windows, the way the glass chandeliers refract the sunrays, the brutally bloody but nevertheless beautiful mural on every wall; whoever designed it had a good taste for what a supervillain’s throne room should look like.

Of course, he can’t overlook the guards stationed next to every pillar. Nor the heavy iron reinforcing the windowpanes. Beautiful and secure.

And in the middle of it all, on an obnoxiously spiky metal throne, sits Supervillain, in an equally spiky outfit.

“Ah, you must be Supervillain!” Villain greets. “Tell me, where did you get your costume? From the five-year-olds’ section? Next from the toy section with the fire breathing cat, I presume?”

If the insult annoys him, Supervillain hides it well. He inspects Villain with an unamused expression, eyes coming to a rest on his neck.

“I’m sorry – who the hell is this?” His voice matches his bored posture.

“He’s-“ the guard begins, but Villain puffs his chest and cuts in. “I’m the villain of this town, actually! And just so we’re clear, the only villain this town needs. So I’m only warning you once: leave now, or face the consequences!”

This gets a chuckle out of Supervillain.

“Consequences?”

Villain makes a vague gesture. “My army is the biggest and strongest in a hundred-mile radius, my tactical genius has managed to overcome countless foes over the years! Once they figure out I’m gone, my trusty followers will come for me, and leave no trace of your existence!”

“Ah. Then explain to me, if they saw me carrying you away, why does it take them three days to notice your absence?” Villain’s heart skips a beat. He’s been here for three days? No, Supervillain must be bluffing. He’s trying to scare him.

“Nah, you don’t need rescuing.” Supervillain’s once lazy gaze turns fierce in a second. “You seem pretty worked up over losing your little friends and being all lonely here. I think you need to, how do they say it? ‘Chill out a little.’”

Villain gulps. Despite the incredibly childish choice of words, Supervillain’s smugness shakes him to the core.

“Take him to the freezer,” he finally gives the order. “Should teach him a lesson in respect.”

“I’m sorry, to wh-“ Villain yelps as he’s cut off by the guard once again. He’s dragged away from the throne room, and left to his increasingly anxious thoughts.

#whump writing #whump #villain whump #villain whumpee #my writing #i originally planned to end it at the first break #but my brain was like nah. there's a story in here #i might turn this into a series if i'm bored enough #ideas? i have. patience energy and executive function? less so

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attackradish · 20 days

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Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

#vent.tw #Suicide mention #Literally I cannot kill myself. I lack the executive function and the conviction #If I had enough motivation to get sleeping pills or nitrogen or whatever I’d have enough to get an apartment and be free from this mess #God. I’m going to die of old age #Anyways I was considering going to a friend over this but I have not invested enough in those friendships to just dump this on one of them #Out of the blue

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