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#no warning. no head's up. just 'oh btw we're not treating [them] anymore.'
ozlices · 6 months
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as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.
im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.
#mine#and it sucks bc tbh im at a point where i rly wish i could say 'fuck it' & just. not bother.#but i dont have a choice bc im on daily medications that i cant abruptly stop & Have to take to function#like i literally dont even know how to like. deal w processing the doctor my family has had for potentially decades just dropping me#outta nowhere. like damn i literally cant even trust the doctor literally my entire immediate family has seen for YEARS#to fucking give a shit abt me.#ive been through such an absurd amount of betrayals this year i literally feel like a broken shell of a person#im numbing. i really fucking am. what the fuck else am i sposed to do.#like... literally i feel so nauseous over this shit.#no warning. no head's up. just 'oh btw we're not treating [them] anymore.'#like ?????????????????#bruh this year has fucking brutalized my dissociation. i literally dont feel like a real person w feelings anymore.#bc ive just been treated like a piece of shit that's an inconvenience & a burden & worth more effort than i deserve to be granted.#it's so... just... idk. man. i dont even have it in me to be sad or hurt anymore#im just so fucking burnt out & exhausted. ive been wallowing in merciless agony since i had to move back in w my parents#i am genuinely BARELY surviving at this point & Still shit just Keeps Piling On.#i literally dont know what to do w myself anymore. im trying as hard as i fucking can but holy fucking shit.#i already have way less energy to spare than the average person bruh. it's ridiculous#im sick of being told it'll be ok. im sick of being told ppl feel sorry for me.#im sick of complaining. im sick of being miserable. im sick of feeling like this.#i just want to be done w all the hardships im so fucking exhausted i dont wanna be a person anymore man.#also like. v fucking taxing bc not every doctor can nor will prescribe my adhd meds.#so. like. that's also terrifying. nauseating to deal with.#i literally just want to give up bruh and not even in a suicidal way like i just am so sick of trying for nothing#i could do nothing at all and still be put through bullshit im over it all im so fucking over it.#never in my life has being told 'it'll be ok' felt more dismissive than it does this year but my god. does it feel so dismissive & taxing.#ive literally never not been more not okay than i have been this year. & i continuously get more brutalized no matter what.#it's exhausting as shit just let me fucking breathe what the fuck jfc.
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bbyheedeungie · 3 years
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You have me now | Cat hybrid!Jungwon AU
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Pairings: Jungwon x Reader ft. Bang Yedam
Genre: fluff, angst
Warnings: depression, slight nudity
Word count: 1.7k
Synopsis: Going through some tough times in your life, you come across someone who is struggling as well. And now you never thought you'd find solace in your cat, Jungwon.
Author's note: this is my longest fic yet! I got very emotional with this one. Btw, thank you for all your support! 😭❤may all of you have someone to depend on in your darkest times.
Dark gray clouds cloaked the skies, with vicious thunders warning everyone that heavy rain threatened to pour mercilessly. It was 5pm, your last class had ended long ago but your teacher had to make you stay to discuss important matters with you; your failing grades in his class. And to make matters worse, your boyfriend had just broken up with you through a text.
As you make your way through the gates of the school, you groaned as the cold rain engulfed you within seconds.
"Guess this day can't get any better huh."
You make a sprint for it, not caring about getting your socks muddy anymore as your arms make a futile attempt to shield yourself from the rain.
Amidst the harsh cry of downpour, you were stopped at your tracks by the sound of weeping meows, not too far away. And there it was, under a tree was a small kitty crying in sorrow as the cardboard box which was probably supposed to be its home melted away in the rain.
You've never been one to keep pets, but you've always had a soft heart when it came to animals that is why without hesitation, you scooped up the poor kitty in your arms and ran home.
You were dripping wet, shivering as the warmth of your apartment slowly welcomed you and your companion. You settled the kitty on a rug as you took a warm shower and changed into an oversized shirt and sweatpants. When you finished drying yourself, you notice that the kitty barely moved an inch from how you left it, still shivering.
"Hey kitty, you'll be okay now." you cooed and stroked its wet head and ears. It looked at you cautiously yet gratifyingly and you were shocked at how much emotion its eyes held. Almost like a human.
"That's kinda odd. But you have very beautiful eyes though." you smiled.
Never having owned a pet, you were honestly unsure on how to take care of it. And so, together with your wet books, you blow dried the kitty with your hair drier. You giggled as the kitty flinched lightly and its fur stood up, probably new to the sound and sensation of your hair drier. Your laugh fades as your eyes train upon the scars all over the poor kitty's body. You could have easily missed it because of its dark fur but as it dried more, it became more visible. You knew battle scars when you see them. As your fingertips lightly grazed your scarred wrists, your heart can't help but ache for the small cat.
"I won't let anyone or anything hurt you again. I'll take care of you from now on, okay? You can depend on me." you assured and it meowed in response, tilting it's head sideways as it blinked at you a few times.
At dinner time, you rummaged all of your cabinets for anything you can feed to the small cat. The rain hadn't ceased yet, withholding you from going outside to buy proper cat food. For the time being, you decided that a can of tuna will suffice.
You placed the bowl of food in front of the kitty, taking a few seconds before it cautiously moves closer to it to sniff it.
"Well go on, don't be picky." You raised your eyebrows, placing your hands on your hips. The kitty meowed and did that thing again, tilting its head and blinking at you before dipping it's head into the food. It only took a few minutes for it to finish eating and you felt like a proud momma. Poor little thing must have been very hungry.
That night you decided to let the kitty sleep above your blanket, settling into its place at the foot of your bed. Suddenly, the sound of raindrops have never felt so calming as you slept soundly that night for the first time in weeks.
The morning welcomed you with bright sunshine beaming through your windows. You hummed in content as you snuggle closer to the warm body that cradled yours.
Your eyes shot wide open at the sudden realization and shoved the person away from you. You stumble out of your own bed and stare at the gorgeous boy that blinked at you confusedly.
"Come back to bed, I want to sleep some more." He whined sleepily, tilting his head as he blinked at you. Why did it seem familiar to you?
You combed through your hair profusely, trying to stay calm as you rake your thoughts on what had happened last night. Did you got drunk and brought a boy over? Your blanket covered his body up to his neck but you were sure he wasn't wearing anything underneath, remembering how warm his skin felt on yours. You slap yourself internally and took a deep breath.
"Umm hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Last night was a mistake." you said awkwardly, fiddling with your fingers. He blinked at you, seemingly hurt.
"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?" He said sadly and sat up and attempted to reach out to you, your blanket sliding down to his hips. His entire torso was now in full display and you quickly stopped him.
"No, stay! Don't come near." You shrieked as you look away with your hands covering your eyes.
"Do you regret taking me in last night?" He asked bitterly, looking down to his hands.
"What, what do you mean?" You remove your hands from your eyes and glance at him, your eyes quickly falling to his scarred torso.
Just like—
"Oh! Did my human form freak you out? I'm so sorry, I'll change back."
My cat. Under the covers, was the kitty you took in.
To say that your morning was eventful was an understatement. You told him to change back to his human form and had him wear one of your oversized shirts in which he happily sniffed before putting on, and a pair of shorts that your brother had left when he last visited you. And now both of you are seated at the kitchen table, eating kimchi fried rice and eggrolls for breakfast. It has been 5 minutes of awkward silence when he decided to clear his throat.
"I guess I should introduce myself." He said shyly, his eyes glued to his plate.
"Please do." you nod, trying to stay composed.
"I'm Jungwon, and I'm a hybrid."
You take in a shaky breath. A freaking hybrid.
"I grew up in the animal shelter, where I was separated from my parents since birth. I don't know if they're hybrids as well." his fists clenched under the table and he took a deep breath, his eyes closed tightly. You quickly notice his discomfort.
"Hey, it's okay—"
"At the animal shelter, they didn't treat me well. The workers often lashed out me and hurt me when I couldn't obey them. And I didn't know why but I had this instinct of not to show them my human form. Honestly, this has been my longest time as a human." Jungwon said ruefully, ashamed to look at you in the eyes.
"When I was old enough, I escaped and ran away. I swore to myself that I am never going back to that place. And then I ended up under that tree, drenched and starving and you appeared and you—" he choked, his tears trickled down his face and you quickly sat up fron your seat, rushed to his side and engulfed him in a hug.
"Hey, you don't have to be alone anymore. You have me now, okay?" You said as you stroked his hair comfortingly.
Once he'd calmed down, you introduced yourself as well.
"I'm Y/N. I guess I haven't told you my name last night." you chuckled. He shook his head.
"No, but I kinda peeked at your school ID while you showered. Sorry about that." He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.
"No need to be sorry for." you giggled.
Your conversation was abruptly cut off by the sound of your doorbell.
"Huh, who could that be?" you muttered to yourself, leaving Jungwon at the kitchen.
You opened the door, revealing your ex-boyfriend, Yedam.
"Hey, I was worried when you didn't text me back." You scoffed at him.
"Why would you even worry about me? Didn't you dump me?" you couldn't help it but you were angry at him. How he treated you so lowly that he thought you didn't even deserve a proper break up, that just a text message will be enough.
"Hey, you can't blame me. Y/N, your grades were failing, you were diagnosed with depression. You were falling apart—"
"And you decided I'm too much for you to handle. Yedam, leave." Your voice broke, your tears threatening to fall.
"Y/N wait—"
"Y/N asked you to leave." a voice spoke behind you, his hand reaching out to rub your back comfortingly. I'm here Y/N, I'm right here for you.
He didn't like the way the man you were talking to was making you feel. He could sense how upset you are and it pisses him off.
"Who are you? Back off man, this is none of your business." Yedam tried to brush him off.
"Any business of Y/N is my business too. Y/N, is this guy troubling you?" He asked you, his beautiful cat-like eyes look at you with tenderness and then shoots menacing glares at Yedam.
"No, not all." You smiled at Jungwon, and Yedam saw it. How your eyes sparkled as you look at the boy. You were happy. And when your eyes flew back to him, it was empty.
"Yedam, we're over. This conversation is over too. I hope you live a good life and thank you for being part of mine. That is all." You stated, feeling proud of yourself for handling things so well. For being strong.
"Bye then." Yedam said, turning his back to the both of you not before shooting Jungwon a look and muttering "Punk."
Once you close the door, you let your tears stream freely. Jungwon worriedly wipes away those tears.
"That human makes me want to claw his eyes out. I hate him for making you hurt like this." he scowled. You only smiled at him.
"Y/N, you don't have to be alone anymore. You have me now, okay?" he said, repeating your own words.
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