i am once again crying about the fact that c!dream has memory issues because of his time in pandora. what things do you think hes forgotten besides the ones confirmed?(how he got the axe, what he wrote while in pandora, etc.) how do you think he feels about his own memory loss? is it relieving to have parts of his own torture be hazy and hard to grasp? or is it frustrating that he was so clearly affected by the prison, to see that it wasnt just his body that changed but his mind too? or is it distressing to him that hes missing parts of his own memory, for once unsure of what his own mind comes up with/coming up empty-handed when hes trying to remember something? does he just force himself to move on and not dwell on it? how often does he bounce between all these feelings at once?

/dsmp /rp

BRO I NEVER FUKIN STOPPED CRYING ABOUT THIS.

all these questions. all these questions at all times.

On the one hand, there’s definitely a kernel of relief there, right, about some things he can’t remember. Because what he can remember is horrifying and he tries really hard not to think about the specifics. Who wants to remember torture? Who wants to remember the details of something apparently so terrible, so traumatic, that he blocked it out? Was it WORSE than what he can remember clearly? That’s not exactly mission-critical intel, is it. Not like he needs more insight into Quackity’s character and motivations, he’s got plenty, thanks.

Not even like there’s much that happened in prison that’s really an important memory to him; when it wasn’t horrible it was, yknow. Really really really boring. And disorienting. And inducing sanity slippage even without any abuse on top. Yellow Wallpaper shit. Nothing concretely necessary to take away, barring maybe some conversations with Techno.

But mostly he can’t get relief from it at all even though he tells himself he should. Because he didn’t choose this. Because he lost these things against his will. Because my god, what was done to him that he doesn’t know about? What happened that he can’t remember? He needs to know he needs to know he needs to know. Was it worse than what he can remember clearly?

And there’s another horrible detail here too, that like you point out, it’s not only particularly traumatic things he’s forgetting. It’s all sorts of mundane stuff. Not just things during prison, either. Details from before. Like what Tommy’s position in the cabinet was, how he got the axe. What’s this mean for the plan? What’s it mean that pieces of him are falling apart when they shouldn’t, when they CAN’T?

Dream’s got to have iron control over his mind, it is absolutely essential. He’s the only one with all the pieces of the plan that he thinks is going to save the world. Losing control over those pieces is, without exaggeration, his worst nightmare.

So if he’s losing his memories? He’s got no choice but to play it all off: shrug it off to Techno, eh, he writes things down, because he’s aware of his limitations and working to manage them, because he’s self-aware and on top of it. Shrug it off to Sam, eh, he doesn’t remember those books, but who cares. It’s just some shit about a polar bear.

In honor of season 5 of the white vault I’m replaying the earlier seasons to tally up how many times the word coffee is said. gonna tag it coffee count

Anyone else feel like c!BBH is currently in like… 5 separate horror films as either the main character, the villain-who-isn’t-actually-the-thing-everyone-should-be-worried-about, and/or that one side character that shows up early on and is completely horrified by something the protagonist finds a little weird but probably fine (bc foreshadowing), only to turn up later either as a mangled corpse or driven insane and mumbling something like “blood” or “it had too many eyes” or “yog-sothoth” or whatever and then die of mysterious causes like half a minute later?

yeah

DREAM HAS BEEN TORTURED FOR 84 DAYS!

Techno has been with him for 4 days now.

He hates the nightmares. Waking up screaming isn't uncommon to him. But now there is someone else there someone else to see him in his weakest most vulnerable moments. When he's trapped in the sticky mess of reality and nightmares unable to deciper if the blood on thr floor is old or new. He tries not to sleep for now. 140 days in jail and he thought it would be better with someone else. It is but, still. It's so painfully revealing. He hates it.

,,,,, idk man, sometimes i just think about him ;v; 

*cough* 

@peppsta

@goth-dean if you want me to tag you in my art who am I to say no??????? anyway I’ve had this poor Rowena sitting off to the side forever and it never felt finished enough to actually clean up and post nicely so it gets to keep all the dumb sketching layers underneath

The Night Court Jewelry Vault, 13/?

Another bonkers theory So we know that Techno's character still owes Dream's character a favor. We know that Dream's character is controlling Ranboo's character... And we know that Techno's character is starting to care about Ranboo’s character. When Ranboo fell into the hole Techno threw the trident that Techno spent basically a whole month looking for. He threw tons of pearls down, and saved him and was quite worried. Ranboo's character trusts Techno's character because Ranboo told Techno about the Dream voice. So what IF what IF the favor that Dream has basically been dangling above Technos head in a sense. so WHAT IF Dream's character is going to be using the favor for Techno to stay away from Ranboo. Aka nightmare duo time

I’m so sporadic with Tumblr, and with most social media. I post and reblog a bunch of stuff at once, and then don’t post anything for days, weeks, months even.

Life is strange lately. There have been a lot of deaths and near-deaths in my extended family in the past couple weeks. I don’t know what else to say about that right now, I’m still processing. I’ve been having lots of terrifying and vivid dreams that wake me up and keep me up. Because of this, I’ve been sleep-deprived enough that weird, dreamlike things are bleeding into my waking life. Thursday morning, after being woken up repeatedly by nightmares, and finally falling into a solid sleep around 4 a.m., I was awoken at 6 a.m. by two loud booms, followed by a lot of people yelling and then a police megaphone telling everyone to get back in their houses. Apparently they were serving a search warrant for a suspected member of a drug and gun trafficking crew. This was on my block, just six houses away. I’ve been extra jumpy and anxious since then.

Oh and of course there is the autumn nostalgia, the most acute kind for me. I miss a hundred people and places and times. (I miss everything all the time.)

Been thinking a lot about the days and years of my life when I spent much of my time alone, in cars, on trains and buses, on bicycle or foot. Those days I spent wandering so many cities and towns and landscapes. How I’d meet up with friends or lovers, or befriend or make a lover out of a sweet stranger, and shortly thereafter I’d be gone again, on to the next adventure. (But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.) Thinking about how lonesome I thought I was back then—and I was sometimes deeply lonely—and now I recall those years as the best ones of my life.

Related to the above: I’ve also been thinking about how I’ve long felt able to fit into many different groups of people, in many different places, but at the same time I’ve always felt…just a bit on the outside of all those groups and places. Like an infiltrator, an observer. That might stem somewhat from moving and traveling around a lot, and also from being interested in so many different things—I flitted in and out of a lot of different scenes, some I had deeper roots in than others, but I never stayed in any one place, with any one group. Or it might just be a side effect of being a writer. I think feeling a little bit like an outsider in any given situation is essential to being a writer; it makes you a sharper observer if you’ve got a little bit of distance between yourself and whatever you’re experiencing.

I’m trying to reconnect to myself. Wearing outfits that may look ridiculous but make me feel comfortable in my skin; listening to old favorite music. I do this periodically, and it helps.

I‘m working on my Peter Lorre poems again; some of them will be appearing in my next Writer in Residence post and I think ultimately they’ll be my next chapbook. I’m also working on my next column for Hello America; this installment will be about the time I went to Hallowmas in 2007. So of course I’m thinking about W/IFS. Which makes me think about Cloth. And oh fuck, I miss him so much it is physically painful. I haven’t been drinking much lately, but tonight I’m getting wine drunk. I’m drinking the best wine first.

It’s fully autumn now. Peacoat and fingerless glove weather, and I‘m thriving.

Tomorrow I get to see my bestie. We’re gonna grab coffees to go and then wander around in the woods. Monday P. and I are taking the kiddos to a pumpkin patch.

That’s all for now. Goodnight.

no context spoilers for me writing an outline for Otto's Ordeal

[ID: a meme of someone asking "You're crying from a memory vault?" The second person answers "The reminder that there is love in the little things got to me." One of the two then says "Alright." End ID]

thinking about nix remembering her family and her life HURTS SO BAD...

Hey so quick note, do not, under any circumstances, listen to season 2 of The White Vault before going to sleep. That shit is scary and you will never sleep again.

taylor’s done it again

X-Men #4 by Gerry Duggan (writer), Javier Pina (artist), and Erick Arciniega (colorist)

The solicitation for this issue promises the Headless Horseman, which I think is emblematic of my one issue with this this (no pun intended) - Duggan makes promises but doesn’t deliver. We start off with some sneak peaks of three nightmares of the X-Men - Scott is reliving past tragedies, Jean is reliving the Phoenix, and Laura is terrified of the gaps in her memory, the pieces of herself she left in the Vault (I get this goes into the theme from Way of X, of the pieces you leave behind in between resurrections, but it is skating dangerously close towards just having Laura be Synch’s love interest and forgetting her long traumatic history, that even though she has dealt with, she can still feasible have nightmares over). Sunfire is just awake the entire time??? And we have no idea what’s going on with Synch, Polaris, and Rogue, which is a shame as I would’ve rather have a few pages of their nightmares than the stuff at the end of the issue about Mars/Arakko and the investigation into resurrections. 

Jean pretty readily handles the threat all on her own, stopping some cartoonish dialogue from Nightmare (he really feels like a cartoon, mustache twirling villain - that or a punk kid). I liked the little nod towards this happening because Doctor Strange is dead at the moment, but we also know from the Death of Doc Strange mini that his past self (or something) is back, so wouldn’t that person be there to stop Nightmare? Has past Doc Strange just.... not reset up the defenses? I suppose this line of questioning will have to wait before we can really know what happened there.

I do like this issue as a mini showpiece for Jean, giving us her reason as to why she wanted to be an X-Men - like Black Widow in the MCU, she has red in her ledger and she wants to offset that as much as she can. The artwork is great when there are close-ups happening, but some of the shots where the faces aren’t distinct just look kinda.... bad. 

I adore Halloween, and I know this was meant to be a Halloween issue, especially with the pumpkins at the gate, but I think Jean just effortlessly winning here took away the tension and the spooky vibes we could have had. I love seeing Jean kicking ass, it makes sense for her to be at this level of control with her powers, but without any sort of struggle it just... doesn’t land quite as well? Am I supposed to think that Nightmare is a big deal? If this is a Halloween issue that isn’t supposed to impact the plot, could we have had a few more hang out type of pages of the X-Men carving pumpkins and bobbing for apples?

(The cover for this issue might easily be the best part - it slaps so hard, but also promises more cool spooky vibes than this issue really delivers)

Verdict: Six out of ten haunted jelly beans

man i swear ive had this same dream like 3 times. it's like. a weird almost horror story every time bjdjdjg

it's always. in the middle of some freezing snowy place i end up wandering into some weird blocked off creepy town and its like ?? what tf is this. and it ends up being some freaky govmt experiment where everyone's brainwashed and ppl r regularly murdered etc etc. it feels like a cult, ykw?

and everytime i try to escape and take some of the kids there with me. without getting murdered or freezing to death or w/e