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calypsoff · 3 years

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Eighty Six.

This sucks so bad, like this whole situation is horrible. Like Robyn really pushing through with this, she could at least come back home. I am not that bad, I made a mistake let me make it up to her but she is adamant in staying with Mel, Rorrey picks up Rylee and brings her here to me, I haven’t seen Robyn since we landed. That was a whole week ago, I have nothing to do but be at home and just run my business that Rorrey is of course helping me with, it is so kind of him to help me with everything. I was wondering if he hasn’t got better things to do then look after me but no, he said he doesn’t mind, he enjoys my company. Getting this home I didn’t think of moments like this, having to get down the steps by sliding down on my ass, it’s a whole mission but I don’t have my wife to help me. The bedsheets haven’t been changed since she’s left so this is fun, I can barely make the bed too, she did everything for me, literally did everything. But Robyn on the other hand, she is having fun since I have broke my leg. She has been out every night, I am seeing pictures of her out, I am jealous because she looks so well, she looks so happy and acting like I am not giving her heartache, but I am sorry. She does do one thing, cleans my clothes and sends them to me but still, I miss her a lot. Rylee is not filling the void at all “I can always hear you coming down” Rorrey laughed as he ate his cereal “I am not carrying you like that, I nearly died” I chuckled, we are dumb “I hate it because like by the time I be getting to bed I burn off all my food, then I be hungry again” shaking my head “should text me, I will bring you some food” nodding my head “I am glad you’re here though, thank you” it is nice of him “it’s fine, but I will say this. You need a cleaner to come, the home is getting dusty” I sighed out, he has a point “let me call Robyn” I joked “you want your head on a plate” Rorrey laughed “she would have your head nigga” he isn’t wrong.

Rorrey can cook, I have to give it to him. He’s been cooking for me every day “I’m gonna ring my dad, finally” Rorrey cheered “stop dodging your parents, they only want the best for you. Just tell them, you messed up” he laughed, I sighed out. I haven’t exactly told my parents about what happened to me, and that my leg is in a cast, I didn’t even tell them about Robyn and I falling out meaning that she left, they know we was arguing but not that she left the home, so this will be fun “son, I am working” oh he is, I forget that he does “sorry; you on a break or something. I really need to speak to you” the line went silent, that is a disapproving silence because I think he knows that I have fucked up more “Christopher” my dad said “yeah” he knows me well “I have time” I chuckled a little “so erm, yeah. Robyn isn’t living with me anymore; you know when you asked. I lied, I have been on tour with Drake all that time and not seeing my daughter, I didn’t spend Christmas with them either. I spent it alone at the house, she is with her friend. I didn’t spend new year with her either, I went out to Tyga’ new year party. But then we met up in New York, like Robyn had been trying to prove a point to me, a point I was ignoring so what happened was I heard drake admitting he was playing me all this time, that he wanted Robyn. I lost my temper and chased him, and we both fell down the steps and I broke my foot so now I am back home in a cast with a semi naked man in my kitchen” Rorrey laughed out “what is funny about this situation Chris, I am angry with you!” my dad didn’t like the joke at the end, but it was funny to me.

This is why I didn’t want to tell my dad any of this, I know what the reaction would be like, he can be so dramatic at times “I am in shock, so the times you have been calling me and your mother you have been single and going around places, like where? You spent New Years where?” my dad is angry as shit, I am glad I am not in VA, he would beat my ass “you stupid boy answer me!” he shouted “just like Canada and then toured with Drake to like near enough every city in the America, and went to parties and on the New Year I spent it with Tyga, and then stayed at his home” I mumbled “is any of this ok!?” he is shouting a lot “no dad, I understand what you are saying. And I know none of this is normal or good, I thought I would tell you because you needed to know” Rorrey cringed, I think he can hear my dad going crazy “we asked you, me and your mother facetimed you and you said we are ok but then it comes together, I asked to see Rylee and she wasn’t there, you are so stupid. Your wife has left you and you did all this!? You know how stupid you look, you aren’t no Picasso Chris, you are in the same position as me. You have a beautiful, respectful wife and she has left you and you do this!? She has left you Chris, how does it feel, I would be losing my mind over your mother, and you are pointless and pathetic, sitting there in her home in a cast. I am angry with you Chris, very angry, she has giving you so much life and opportunity and you give her shit, I was here! I was here when you were speaking to her. I didn’t raise that; you aren’t my son because I didn’t raise such a disrespectful boy. I kept saying jail changed him, yes jail did play a part but not every part, now you are plain stupid!” putting my head down, I am going to take it because he isn’t wrong, what can I say, I fucked up “first thing Chris, first thing in line is your wife is always right. When your wife says that friend is no good, he is no good! You don’t look the other way, he wanted your wife, and you didn’t listen, you heard the opposite, you practically blamed your wife in this. You judged her, I didn’t raise that no. I didn’t, I am so angry at you. That is your family Christopher, you left this home disrespectful, and you got there even worse” my dad would have beat my ass, I am glad I am not there at all.

I remained silent; I respect my dad so much. He is my everything and what he says is right so I wouldn’t back chat him like that “so now what? You have a broken foot, and my grandchild is where? I can’t believe you allowed your child to be away from you that long, you have the perfect opportunity to be there for her every day where I had to work, I am jealous of that, but you did that? So where are they now? What are you doing to fix this” chewing on my bottom lip, oh boy. This next part is going to be fun “she is with Mel, she bought me back home and said she isn’t coming home. We have been back for a week, and she has been out every night, what can I do with a broken foot dad!?” I spat “everything! You move the world, if the world stops you, you move it. What haven’t you learnt Chris, you knock on that door, you be there. Women will push and push and push until they can’t, and they will stop. You fight Chris, what do you want!? Do you want Robyn?” nodding my head “more then ever, I miss her so much, but she is really not wanting to hear me, you know?” Rorrey pointed at my plate before walking off, nodding my head at him “she doesn’t want to hear you, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see you. Do you expect her to come to you? A week alone is too long, you disrespected your wife and then more, you need to be there Chris” my dad is right “I have been laid back” I mumbled “moving aside how I am angry at you, you better. I mean it Chris, you fight for her and show her that you mean it. She loves you Chris, it’s so hard to find love and you got it, this is what you do?” I feel so bad right now.

Rorrey is quiet with me, he knows I needed time to think and just digest what my dad was just saying to me, he said a lot and honestly I do deserve it, I fucked up big time “I can’t eat, but thank you” I said “it’s cool” I feel bad I am wasting it “I upset your sister, but you are here for me? I just find it crazy, you know?” Rorrey smiled a little “my sister loves you Chris, if she didn’t I wouldn’t be here. She asked me to be with you, to stay with you because she didn’t want you to be alone, she is caring for you from afar but the longer you wait around it will get boring and she will see you as nothing, my sister doesn’t wait around, and I am shocked she is for you, but she is loves you. She said it’s me he upset, not you. She asked and I came, I am not going to get involved because honestly, it’s not like you cheated but you need to learn how to talk to my sister too, I don’t like it either, but we move forward” Rorrey is a good man “thank you, you think I should go to Mel’ home?” he chuckled “why not, your daughter is there. As long as I can drive your car then nigga I am down” I chuckled “of course, you can take it whenever” I don’t mind him driving them at all “Robyn is going to be fake annoyed to see you but ride the wave brother” I need too.

Everything is so tiring, meaning that I have to drag my leg around. Climbing into my Urus car was dreadful btu I got there “you know what Rorrey, I think I am going to get Drake back. I am going to air him out for this, what you think?” I need to get his advice, he knows his shit “why not, he hurt you. Maybe you can’t do anything meaning like beat his ass, but you can surely air him out for this shit, it is so childish and petty you know” that means I can, I have been deleting all the posts of Drake, everything. All traces of that nigga, I really fucking hate him for what he has done to me. Going onto my Instagram, I have a little something written out, I want people to know what kind of nigga he is, he is a bitch ass nigga, and it may be long as fuck this post, but niggas need to know that he ran from the fade he was going to get, going to my drafts. I have all this written out, I just needed Rorrey to say I should, and I should. Reading over the post that I made ‘Always believe and trust in your wife when she says the nigga is a bitch nigga, your wife knows who is real and who isn’t but y’all king is a bitch nigga. Someone that can’t handle rejection and then runs from a fade. I know y’all seen me with a cast on my leg, that is because this bitch @champagnepapi ran down the stairs because he couldn’t fight me, this nigga thing he could take my wife, this sick motherfucker that caught herpes from a stripper thinks he could be with my wife! I ain’t even going to get you nigga don’t worry; I am done with you and your sly team that lowkey hate each other. You can come at me with anything because I know I didn’t do anything on that tour. I just need y’all to know that it wasn’t some accident, if you ever look at my wife again I won’t miss’ pressing send on the post anyways, I don’t care anymore.

Stood behind Rorrey as we waited on Mel or whoever to open the door, they are taking their time anyways “they see me here ain’t they?” Rorrey laughed shaking his head, the door opened eventually “sorry, we were pointing on who was going to answer. Come in..” Mel dragged out “what a pleasant surprise, you came along?” nodding my head “to see my daughter” I sad, Mel moved out of the way to let us in “she is playing, well I say that but she is on her playmat” I hate these crutches so fucking much, making my way inside “Robyn is not here by the way” Mel added, I sighed out. I want to ask where, but I will anyways “where is she?” I had to ask “a meeting, so it’s just me, Tina and Rylee” I can wait for her, I need to be persistent in this. I need to get my wife back, I am so excited to see her, I love Robyn.

My mind really hasn’t been on Rylee at all, and it sounds bad of me, but I am just waiting for Robyn to come in, she is looking amazing. Like her body is just looking so good, she is doing the most of course but I need to get her back, stop her showing off her body like that I mean I ain’t like other niggas seeing it but who am I to be overprotective like that, I just need her back “this dumb bitch took us to the damn ghetto” my head shot to the door seeing Jahleel first “what you mean, what she done now?” Mel asked, “she wanted food and then we took a turning, we had her fans chasing us” my smile grew seeing Robyn all smiles, she is smiling and that is making me smile “I was hungry” she said, then she noticed me and her smile went “got lost?” she said, I cleared my throat “I came to see Rylee” I pointed out “should have asked, I could have delivered her to you” licking my top lip “I thought I would save you the trouble” the whole room is so silent, they are listening to us both and watching us “I prefer the trouble” she sniggered “clearly, anyways I am going to change” she walked off bag in hand, she is so fine and she looks so much more happier, maybe it’s me I don’t know but she is very vibrant, I am not sure what to do.

#chrianna fanfiction #chrianna #chriannaff #chrianna ff #fanfic #fanficiton

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7r0773r · 3 years

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Heavy by Kiese Laymon

Inside Concord Missionary Baptist church, I loved the attention I got for being a fat black boy from the older black women: they were the only women on earth who called my fatness fineness. I felt flirted with, and like most fat black boys, when flirted with, I fell in love. I loved the organ’s bended notes, the aftertaste of the grape juice, the fans steadily moving through the humidity, the anticipation of somebody catching the Holy Ghost, the lawd-have-mercy claps after the little big-head boy who couldn’t read so well was forced to read a greeting to the congregation.

But as much as I loved parts of church, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t love the holy word coming from the pulpit. The voices carrying the word were slick and sure of themselves in ways I didn’t believe. The word at Concord was always carried by the mouths of the reverend, deacons, or other visiting preachers who acted like they knew my grandmama and her friends better than they did.

Older black women in the church made up the majority of the audience. But their voices and words were only heard during songs, in ad-libbed responses to the preacher’s word and during church announcements. While Grandmama and everyone else amen’d and well’d their way through shiny hollow sermons, I just sat there, usually at the end of the pew, sucking my teeth, feeling superhot, super bored, and really resentful because Grandmama and her friends never told the sorry-ass preachers to shut up and sit down somewhere.

My problem with church was I knew what could have been. Every other Wednesday, the older women of the church had something called Home Mission: they would meet at alternate houses, and bring their best food, their Bibles, notebooks, and their testimonies. There was no instrumental music at Home Mission, but those women, Grandmama’s friends, used their lives, their mo(u)rning songs, and their Bibles as primary texts to boast, confess, and critique their way into tearful silence every single time.

I didn’t understand hell, partially because I didn’t believe any place could be hotter than Mississippi in August. But I understood feeling good. I did not feel good at Concord Missionary Baptist church. I felt good watching Grandmama and her friends love each other during Home Mission. (Be, pp. 54-55)

***

You were on your way back from Hawaii with Malachi Hunter while LaThon Simmons and I sat in the middle of a white eighth-grade classroom, in a white Catholic school, filled with white folk we didn't even know. These white folk watched us toss black vocabulary words, a dull butter knife, and pink grapefruit slices back and forth until it was time for us to go home.

We were new eighth graders at St. Richard Catholic School in Jackson, Mississippi, because Holy Family, the poor all-black Catholic school we attended most of our lives, closed unexpectedly due to lack of funding. All four of the black girls from Holy Family were placed in one homeroom at St. Richard. All three of us black boys from Holy Family were placed in another. Unlike at Holy Family, where we could wear what we wanted, at St. Richard, students had to wear khaki or blue pants or skirts and light blue, white, or pink shirts.

LaThon, who we both thought looked just like a slew-footed K-Ci from Jodeci, and I sat in the back of homeroom the first day of school doing what we always did: we intentionally used and misused last year's vocabulary words while LaThon cut up his pink grapefruit with his greasy, dull butter knife. "These white folk know here on discount," he told me, "but they don't even know."

"You right," I told him. "These white folk don't even know that you an ol’ grapefruit-by the-pound-eating ass nigga. Give me some grapefruit. Don’t be parsimonious with it, either."

"Nigga, you don’t eat grapefruits,” LaThon said. “Matter of fact, tell me one thing you eat that don't got butter in it. Ol’ churning-your-own-butter-ass dying laughing. "Plus, you act like I got grapefruits gal-low up in here. I got one grapefruit."

Seth Donald, a white boy with two first names, looked like a dustier Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, but with braces. Seth spent the first few minutes of the first day of school silent-farting and turning his eyelids inside out. He asked both of us what "gal-low" meant.

"It's like galore," I told him, and looked at LaThon. "Like grapefruits galore."

LaThon sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes. "Seth, whatever your last name is, first of all, your first name ends with two f's from now on, and your new name is Seff six-two because you five-four but you got the head of a nigga we know who six-two." LaThon tapped me on the forearm. "Don't he got a head like S. Slawter?" I nodded up and down as LaThon shifted and looked right in Seff 6'2's eyes. "Every thang about y’all is erroneous. Every. Thang. This that black abundance. Y'all don’t even know."

LaThon's favorite vocab word in seventh grade was "abundance," but I'd never heard him throw "black" and "that" in front of it until we got to St. Richard.

While LaThon was cutting his half into smaller slices, he looked at me and said Seth six-two and them didn't know about the slicing "shhhtyle" he used.

Right as I dapped LaThon up, Ms. Reeves, our white homeroom teacher, pointed at LaThon and me. Ms. Reeves looked like a much older version of Wendy from the Wendy restaurants. We looked at each other, shook our heads, and kept cutting our grapefruit slices. “Put the knife away, LaThon, she said. *Put it down. Now!"

"Mee-guh," we said to each other. "Meager," the opposite of LaThon's favorite word, was my favorite word at the end of seventh grade. We used different pronunciations of meager to describe people, places, things, and shhhtyles that were at least eight levels less than nothing. "Mee-guh," I told her again, and pulled out my raggedy Trapper Keeper. "Mee-guh."

While Ms. Reeves was still talking, I wrote "#1 tape of #1 group?" on a note and passed it to LaThon. He leaned over and wrote, "EPMD and Strictly Business." I wrote. #1 girl you wanna marry?" He wrote, "Spinderalla + Tootie." I wrote, "#1 white person who don't even know?" LaThon looked down at his new red and gray Air Maxes, then up at the ceiling. Finally, he shook his head and wrote, "Ms. Reeves + Ronald Reagan. It's a tie. With they meager ass."

I balled up the note and put it in my too-tight khakis while Ms. Reeves kept talking to us the way you told me white folk would talk to us if we weren't perfect, the way I saw white women at the mall and police talk to you whether you'd broken the law or not.

I understood how Ms. Reeves had every reason in her world to think I was a sweaty, red-eyed underachiever who drank half a Mason jar of box wine before coming to school. That's almost exactly who I was. But LaThon was as close to abundant as an eighth grader could be. (Meager, pp. 65-67)

***

When I came back from playing ball at the Greenbelt rec center during spring break, you made me read back over sentences I’d written in my notebooks back in Mississippi. You said I asked a lot of questions about what I saw and heard in my writing, but because I didn’t reread the questions I didn’t push myself to different answers. You said a good question always trumps an average answer.

“The most important part of writing, and really life,” you said, “is revision.” (Contraction, p. 85)

***

When I got in the house, you brought your belt across my neck. Earlier in the day, Ms. Andrews, one of your friends who was a teacher at my school, told you Coach Shitzler said I was in a sexual relationship with a white girl. You heard this “news” on the same day you watched a gang of white police officers try to kill a chained black man they later claimed had “Hulk-like” strength.

I did not know Rodney King, but I could tell by how he wiggled, rolled, and ran he was not a Hulk. Hulks did not beg for mercy. Hulks did not shuffle from ass whuppings. Hulks had no memories, no mamas. I wondered what niggers and police were to a Hulk. I wondered if all sixteen-year-old Americans had a little Hulk in them.

I knew, or maybe I accepted, for the first time no matter what anyone did to me, I would never beg anyone for mercy. I would always recover. There was physically nothing anyone could do to me to take my heart, other than kill me. You, Grandmama, and I had that same Hulk in our chest. We would always recover. At some point during my beating, I just stopped fighting and I let you hit me. I did not scream, I did not yell. I barely breathed. I took my shirt off without you telling me. I let you beat me across my back. It was the only beating in my life where watching you beat me as hard as you could felt good. (Hulk, pp. 96-97)

***

I listened to the Coup and read everything James Baldwin had written that summer. I learned you haven’t read anything if you’ve only read something once or twice. Reading things more than twice was the reader version of revision. I read The Fire Next Time over and over again. I wondered how it would read differently had the entire book, and not just the first section, been written to, and for, Baldwin’s nephew. I wondered what, and how, Baldwin would have written to his niece. I wondered about the purpose of warning white folk about the coming fire. Mostly, I wondered what black writers weren’t writing when we spent so much creative energy begging white folk to change. (Already, pp. 143-44)

***

I’d never given much weight to the idea of present black fathers saving black boys. Most of the black boys I grew up with had present black fathers in the home. Sure, some of those fathers taught my friends how to be tough. But I can’t think of one who encouraged his son to be emotionally or even bodily expressive of joy, fear, and love. I respected my father but I never felt that I needed him or any other man in the house to show me how to become a loving man. I knew, truth be told, that a present American man would likely teach me how to be a present American man. And I couldn’t imagine how those teachings would have made me healthier or more generous. (Seat Belts, p. 200)

#Kiese Laymon #book quotes

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soonwellbefoundfic · 4 years

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in too deep, can’t think about giving it up.

larry.

The pads of her feet were soft thumps against the floor. They, however, didn’t wake me. It was her exit from the bed ten minutes ago that had pulled me away from my less than blissful slumber.

The bed barely dipped under her weight but the duvet rustled and the sheets tugged. The disruptive behavior of the bedding was enough to make her pause and cautiously eye me.

I could feel her gaze. Heat fizzled over the surface of my skin under it but I wouldn’t dare open my eyes. Nowadays the only way I got to see a genuine Marlee was when she thought I wasn’t paying attention.

Our dreaded doctors appointment had been four days ago and Marlee had been on a roll, acting like nothing happened ever since then. I let her – because I didn’t know what else to do.

I wouldn’t force her into talking to me because I didn’t even know what to say. I wouldn’t force her into making a decision because I didn’t even know what I wanted. We were both – confused but I was the only one embracing my true emotions.

I’d been with Marlee for all of my adult life. I knew her. Her containing her feelings behind multiple layers was nothing new to me. However, this felt different. It felt urgent. It felt final. Now was not the time for her to be building walls and hiding her vulnerable nature.

In the past I’d resented her ability to shut me out and in turn chronically neglected her. Most recently, with the involuntary reset to our relationship. I’d been working on respecting her need for space but also making it very apparent that I was present. Now – now I didn’t know what to do.

I wanted to push, and plow through the layers she’d so carefully constructed but I knew that would only urge her to build up more walls – stronger ones. At the same time I wanted to support her and do whatever she needed me to do. And apparently what she needed from me right now was Denzel level acting skills that matched hers.

She needed me to pretend so that she could carry on with her fictitious shenanigans.

So I did. I pretended to sleep as she stared me down, making sure that her return to the bed hadn’t shaken me out of my slumber.

It took what seemed like a million seconds for her to look away from me and a million more for her to lay down.

She settled on the edge of the bed and when I slyly peeled my eyes open I found her back to me. An unimaginable coldness consumed me, snuggling against my every bone, and I wanted to do nothing more than crowd her body with mine but I couldn’t. If I did she’d step into character and go back to pretending that everything was alright.

It took three sniffles for me to realize she was crying.

I chewed my lip, wondering if I should go to her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and squeeze all her worries away. I wanted to wipe away her tears and erase the trails they created with soft kisses. I wanted to lull lullabies in her ear that translated to promises – promises I knew I couldn’t fulfill.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I laid still and pretended to be sleep. I told myself there was no comfort I could bring. I told myself that she needed to let whatever she was feeling out. I told myself everything in an effort to not feel terrible about ‘ignoring’ my wife’s pain.

Eventually she cried herself to sleep, leaving me up. Her sniffles. though nonexistent now, echoed throughout the room. I felt like I was suffocating. The room was cool yet I felt hot despite only wearing briefs and not being under the covers. Sweat quickly began to tattoo the surface of my skin and when it got to be too much I took cues from her and rushed to the bathroom to avoid waking her.

“Gooood morning,” Her being up before me was a surprise but her being in the kitchen, cooking, was even more surprising.

We’d both had rough nights but it didn’t show. I’d silently praised her acting skills last night but mine too were quite impressive. It was shameful.

We were doing exactly what we said we wouldn’t do when we decided that fighting for our marriage was our only option. We weren’t being honest with one another. We weren’t openly communicating but then again neither of us were prepared to have to communicate about a pregnancy that we hadn’t planned for.

“Morning,” I smirked, rounding the island that separated me from her. Dropping a kiss onto the back of her neck, I peered into the griddle. “What you cook?”

“Crepes.” She turned and grinned proudly, revealing a face dotted with white shit.

“You lie!”

“I did,” She shifted so that I could see her work. “Look.”

Before me were five perfectly crafted crepes. They were golden in color, light in texture and folded, concealing sweet surprises.

“They look good?” She quizzed, folding the last one and setting on it a plate before handing it to me.

“They so beautiful.”

“Forreal?!” She chirped and then kissed her teeth. “Don’t gas me!”

“I not! They look good.” I reached out poking the tip of her nose. “I’m so proud of you.”

Her smile was wide and genuine. It nearly made me forget that for days now she’d been giving Viola Davis a run for her money.

Marlee was so good at masking her emotions that sometimes it left me wondering if I’d imagined certain things.

“Come on. We gotta eat before they get cold.” She led me over to our neglected dining table.

Years ago whenever I was home we always ate breakfast together at this very table. It had once been our thing but as time passed it faded into the background just like majority of our other good habits.

I wondered if she remembered and if so what memory had triggered this act. There had been so many. We shared a million laughs here. I revealed some of my biggest news. She laid out her goals. We argued here, sexed here, planned here…

“Why are you looking like that?” It was when she spoke that I realized that she was already seated, leaving me hovering awkwardly over the table.

“You remember when we get this table?” I quizzed as I sat.

She paused, bit into her crepe and moaned. “No.”

“Oh.”

“You gonna tell me?” She pressed, eyeing me from under the fan of her lashes. “Or are you still listening to the doctor’s orders?”

The mention of a doctor was an instant reminder that she was pregnant and refusing to talk about it at the moment.

“We just see somethings like this – in Italy but it’s so expensive and even more money to ship,” I trailed off, not caring much for the story but for the matter at hand – the one my wife wanted to ignore.

“And?” She pressed.

“We just get it.” I shrugged leaving out the part about Marlee shooting the owner’s daughter wedding for free in exchange for the table.

“That was uneventful.” She grinned, amused.

I opened my mouth to spit out an excuse or maybe the rest of the story but she beat me to the punch with her own set of words.

“Speaking of Europe,” Her eyes were bright as she spoke. “I was looking at some flights to Paris today and they’re soooo cheap.”

My mouth opened to ask why leaving the country was on her mind but I quickly shut it.

This was her thing, and Paris her oasis.

When things got heavy for her, France was where she sought solace. I never could quite understand it.

“Do you and Lau have anything major coming up?” She quizzed before forking food into her mouth.

I’d yet to touch my own food. I was far too distracted.

Her refusal to acknowledge the elephant in the room wasn’t new to me but it wasn’t any less annoying.

“Nope.” I tried to keep my tone light as not to give away the fact that I was annoyed.

Lately Lau and I had been in talks with our management about doing TV. Dance competition shows were on the rise again and since we hadn’t gotten as far as we wanted with our own show idea it seemed fitting to do someone else’s.

Exposure was important and our constant relevance would make securing our own dance competition show much easier.

I hadn’t told Marlee about it because things were still up in the air. We also had a lot of our own shit going on, even before we learned about her pregnancy.

We were rebuilding and very fragile – talking about a show that would require me to relocate to LA for a few months just didn’t seem all that important.

“Larry, you haven’t even touched your food!”

Smiling sheepishly, I grabbed my fork. “I listen to you, and get distracted.”

I was distracted but not by what she was saying. I was distracted by everything that she wasn’t saying.

“Just tell me what you think.” She waved my excuse off, motioning towards the plate she’d made me.

Saying nothing, I cut into the crêpe and stuffed a hefty amount in my mouth.

The flavors danced over my tongue as I chewed. I looked up finding her eyes wide-set and on me. I smiled despite my sour mood because it was impossible not to.

“Is good.” I chuckled, amused at how she was watching me. I knew she was anxious – she’d talked about making crepes for years.

“Really?!”

“Yeah,”

“How good?”

“I teach you good.” I stuffed more into my mouth. It really was good.

“Nigga please,” She cackled. “You taught me nothing. All these years – you barely let me watch you make them.”

“They taste like you know my recipe.” I watched her roll her eyes.

“They taste like you’re not the only one in the house who knows how to cook.”

“Since you say like that I hope now you cook more then.”

“I never said all that.” I chuckled but continued to eat in silence.

She had actually done really well. I would even argue that her flavor profile was a bit better than mine. But the good tasting food wasn’t enough to jerk me away from my thoughts.

I tried to imagine what life would be like if she said she didn’t want to go forward with the pregnancy. I attempted to mentally prepare myself because truthfully I felt like that was the road she was going to go down – especially now that she was caught up on her painful past.

It would hurt but I understood.

She didn’t want to suffer and I didn’t want her to. Though the doctor had said technology had advanced, I knew that Marlee’s past pregnancies, and the abortion, would put her at risk. I didn’t want any risks – we couldn’t afford them.

I needed her.

Marlee’s body couldn’t take another failed pregnancy but most importantly her psyche couldn’t take it. The physical effects would be detrimental but the psychological effects would be catastrophic.

I know she blamed herself, and she expected me to blame her too.

I didn’t.

“Why are you frowning?” She quizzed.

“How you think of LA?”

Confusion contorted her features. “It’s fine.”

“To live?”

Her brows scrunched. “Larry, what are you talking about?”

I frowned at my bad timing. This wasn’t the time but talking about the direction my career was going in was the only thing lofty enough to shadow my other thoughts.

“Is not in the rock yet but,”

“What?” Confusion sewed itself to her pretty features.

“How that saying is about set rocks?”

Her eyes narrowed then widened before laughter pulled her mouth open. “It’s not set in stone, nigga?”

“Yeah,” I flushed. “Shut up. That’s what I say.”

“Mmmhmm,” She hummed still smiling.

“Is not set in the stones yet but World of Dance do a dance competition show and me and Lau maybe do it.” When she was silent I went on. “It tape for two-three months… in LA. But it’s not in the st– we don’t know yet but I wanted to say to you. We just start talk about it.”

“When would it tape?”

“Less than two months.”

“You wanna do it?”

“Only if you come with me.” Our eyes caught and I was shocked to see the surprise in hers.

“You want me to come?” The question threw me even more than her expression.

Why was she shocked?

“Of course,” I deadpanned. “Why I not?”

She shrugged and then forked food into her mouth, stalling. I watched her chew, wearing a mask of patience. However when she went for another fork of food I huffed out, cutting my eyes at her.

“I’m hungry, Larry!” Her defenses went up.

“You stall.”

She opened her mouth to defend herself but she knew I was right.

“In the past – and don’t say that this isn’t about the past,” She warned. “You would go away for extended periods of time and I would stay home and I know I worked but there were times when my work wasn’t constant and I could have been with you but – the offer was never on the table.”

My silence prompted her to go on.

“I know that wasn’t an option for tours and such but there were times when I could’ve come – I wanted to but I don’t think you wanted me to. I don’t know.” She sighed, shoving more food into her mouth. “Maybe you needed a break or something. We weren’t all that good… I don’t know. I’m rambling – I’m just shocked that you want me to come with you.”

She was right. I hadn’t wanted her with me. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Larry. I’m just telling you whats on my mind.” She sighed. “We are supposed to be doing that, right?”

“We are.” I agreed, willing my face to remain neutral. “We supposed to talk for everything we feel – that’s what we say.”

“We did.” She nodded, glancing down at her now empty plate.

“You say everything to me?” I pressed, unable to help myself.

I wanted to know everything that was happening in that head of hers. I wanted to know how she truly felt about our current situation. I wanted to know what she wanted. I needed to know.

“I’ll gladly come to LA with you.” She smiled a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

I stayed behind in the kitchen to clean up the mess Marlee had created after turning our kitchen into a creperie. She was always messy in the kitchen, dirtying more dishes than necessary. I had a habit of cleaning as I cooked, making the aftermath minor. Marlee was the opposite.

It looks like a toddler got loose in here, I thought glancing around at the mess my wife had made. My thought made me pause. I relished on the fact that had our other pregnancies been successful we would indeed have two toddlers right now. I then silently acknowledged that Marlee was indeed pregnant now.

I dipped my hands into the hot, sudsy water I’d prepared, attempting to cleanse my brain of its current thoughts. I was bound to drive myself crazy if I kept this shit up.

I finished the kitchen faster than expected and headed to the bedroom to get dressed. We had an important appointment and I didn’t want to be late.

I expected Marlee to be dressed or halfway there since she’d left me in the kitchen to do just that several minutes prior. I was more than surprised when I heard the shower running.

I inwardly ranted about her ability to always make us late as I stripped in route to the shower. Steam engulfed the bathroom, leading me to question just how long she had been in the shower.

I approached the door and pulled it open, wordlessly reminding myself that getting distracted by her body was not an option. We had shit to do.

“I shower with you to save time.” I smirked and then forced my eyes up to her face.

My smirk instantly fell when I caught sight of her reddened, tears rimmed eyes. Reacting immediately she pushed her face into the spray of the water, disguising the fact that she’d been crying.

“Marlee?” I called, concerned – annoyed.

“You can have it, baby. I’m done anyways.” She forced a smile on her lips and moved past me for the door.

I didn’t miss the raspy quality of her voice or the way she dropped her eyes when mine continued to search her face.

She was out of the shower before I could press her, leaving me stewing in frustration as the syrupy scent of her body wash swirled around me.

I showered quickly, anxious to see her before she secured her facade on. Perhaps I was being a bit of a masochist for wanting to catch her in the act of her pain, or a sadist for not attempting to ease it.

It was torture for me and felt completely out of my control. It felt wrong to force my comforting gestures upon her especially when she was clearly going through great lengths to hide what she was really feeling from me. At the same time it felt wrong to pretend nothing was happening – as her husband I should have been acting as her anchor, her peace.

In some sick and twisted way I needed the confirmation that she was actually feeling – that she was truly affected by what was happening. Her outward displays of emotion were sort of comforting because I felt the same. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I’d feel if I hadn’t witnessed her true emotion state spilling through the cracks.

I’d feel alone.

Did she feel alone, I wondered, pausing. She hadn’t caught me crying or witnessed me restlessly tossing and turning at night due to my less than savory thoughts. How did she know that emotionally we were on the same page? I mean, I hadn’t said anything because she was going through such great lengths to hide her pain.

I was left to wonder if she was hiding her pain because she wasn’t sure where I stood emotionally. I hoped not.

I would put an end to this today, I silently promised as I dressed, determined to take the wheel of what would eventually morph into a deadly crash.

The drive was silent and as comfortable as it could possibly be given the circumstances. We were both lost in our own thoughts. Mine were dark and cloudy and I’m sure hers were the same.

“Nervous?” She quizzed as we walked hand in hand towards the towering building in Midtown Manhattan.

“Not really.” I answered honestly. I felt many things and nervousness wasn’t one of them.

“You were so quiet on the way here?’ She pressed.

“I just think of a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

I smirked. “Why you nosey?”

“I just wanna know.” She shrugged smiling a small smile. “Whats on ya mind?”

“You,” Our eyes locked. “LA and everything with that – the show, an apartment, Paris–“ I shrugged, wanting to leave it there.

“You wanna go?” Her smile was wide – we were talking about her oasis.

“We can – you say is cheap, yes?”

“So cheap!”

“…Okay.”

I managed to tune her ramblings about Paris out as we made our way up the elevator to the 29th floor where our marriage counselor waited.

The room was bright and airy – white walls with white curtains and splashes of pastel colors here and there. It was calming and it evoked peace, which made all the sense in the world. Marriages often turned to war zones and this was were people came to fix them – peace was necessary. On the walls were minimalist artworks compromised of mere lines and a few certificates, speaking to the experience of the highly recommended doctor.

Introductions were brief – cheerful. Refreshments were offered. Words of encouragement were recited.

“Mr. Bourgeois, what are you feeling right now?”

I briefly wonder why she targeted me first. Was my depressive state apparent? Could she see the weight of my reality weighing me down? Was Marlee that much of a better actor than me?

“I feel like,” I paused glancing at my hands and then Marlee. “Confused, sad, frustrated… so many things happen in my mind right now. Is like – I don’t know.” I huffed, hating that I couldn’t tell the person who was here to help us exactly what I was feeling.

“Tell me what you’re frustrated about?”

I sighed, as my thoughts raced. I knew this was the time and the place but exposing Marlee, especially when I’d done nothing to remedy her woes felt wrong. Maybe she should have been frustrated with me.

“She won’t let me in,” I started, glancing at my wife who was now staring at me. “I want to help – and maybe I can or should have but she hide everything – from me.”

“Is there something specific you’re talking about?” Dr. Fagan quizzed, looking between Marlee and I before resting her gaze solely on me.

“She cry.” Out of my peripherals I saw Marlee shift, displaying her discomfort and shock. “In the middle of the night she cry when she think I’m sleep. She do again today after we eat breakfast.”

I looked over at her, frowning when I found that her eyes had widened..

“How does that make you feel?”

I shrugged, never removing my stare from Marlee. “Left out.”

“Lar–“ Marlee began in a whimper.

“I know I will never, ever understand what she go through because is not my body – I know this. She have emotional pain and physical pain,” I winced at thought. “I know I can not fix it – I can’t even fix myself but to me, for me is feel like maybe we get through it better if we talk about us feelings about the ba… this pregnancy.”

Marlee dropped her face into her palms and I hated the fact that it was my words that triggered her agony. I reached for her, placing a not so steady hand on her knee.

“Mrs. Bourgeois, do you want to discuss how your husband’s words made you feel?”

They’d made me feel like shit so I know they’d ripped her to shreds. I stooped low but my desperation made it feel necessary. Throwing her under the bus and plastering what she was trying to hide on a metaphorical billboard was necessary.

“I’m pregnant, and I don’t know if I want to be.” She breathed and though I wasn’t looking at her, I knew her face was coated with tears.

The room was quiet – too quiet. I could hear my heart drumming in my ears. The bass was stronger – harder than any beat I’d ever danced over.

Within five minutes of being here, our biggest issue was splattered across the room. Dr. Fagan had no prior knowledge of our past or even our present and looked mildly shocked by us divulging our issues so quickly. But we were desperate.

Desperate to fix us.

Desperate not to experience pain…

I waited for the counselor to speak, to counsel but she said nothing, prompting me to look at her.

Her stare was glued to Marlee which made me look. I winced when I found my wife shedding silent tears.

The tissue box was pushed gently across the table towards Marlee and I immediately grabbed it, plucking a few of the soft facial papers from the bunch.

“Chink, please stop cry,” I begged, softly gripping her chin.

My eyes sought her out but she wouldn’t look at me even as I dabbed the tissue delicately at her face.

“Please,” I pressed. “Je déteste quand tu pleures,” (I hate when you cry) I whispered.

“Mrs. Bourgeois, can you tell us a bit of what you’re feeling?” Dr. Fagan pressed gently.

“I— I don’t… know,” Her voice was clouded with her agony.

“What about Larry’s admission triggered you?” Same question, different words.

The mention of my name drew my wife’s tear stained gaze to mine. Tears nearly came to my own eyes. She looked pitiful and it was killing me.

It was because of me.

I briefly wondered how things would have gone had I not brought up the fact that Marlee was hiding her true feelings from me. Had I not forced her out of her emotional hiding. Would she have eventually come to me to have an open and honest conversation about our future? Or would she have sprang her final decision on me at our follow-up doctors appointment.

I didn’t know with her, and I was desperate to know. So – I acted, yanking her out of hiding. And now it was clear to me that though it was necessary, I wasn’t prepared for the fall out.

“I– I don’t want to disappoint him.” She cried in a voice that reeked of shame.

“Chin–“ I started only for Dr. Fagan to call out to my name softly, gesturing for me to remain silent.

“Why do you feel you would disappoint him?”

Marlee’s face curled in despair at the question. “I know he wants children and I can’t give them to him.”

My eyes glazed. She sounded sure. Nothing the doctors had told her – us about new techniques and technologies resonated with her. The past weighed on her mind, overruling the optimism of the medical professionals.

“In the past,” I was surprised when she continued on. “We had issues carrying a pregnancy to term – there was never an issue with conceiving but–“ She paused, looking off into a vacant corner of the room. “I just couldn’t carry them… healthily, and we lost them.”

Silence consumed the room, sliding down the length of the walls. It was heavy – thick, making it hard to breathe.

Marlee’s words painted a gnarly picture. I saw us on the bed, me holding her, as contractions beckoned by medicine instead of nature yanked her body through the flames of hell the night before we lost our first son. I then remembered myself holding my son, Laurent, I heard his ragged breaths and saw his pale cheeks. I looked down at my hands almost swearing that I felt his sweet warmth going cold on the very tips of my fingers as I held him.

I shook my head and balled my fists, clearing my thoughts – or hoping to. And then Marlee spoke again.

“I terminated the third pregnancy.” My heart stuttered and eyes watered, prompting me to shut them.

We’d talked about this, I’d forgiven her but it stung. The what ifs would never leave the surface of my brain.

“And you know,” She chuckled dryly. “I’m sure that fucked my reproductive system up even more.” The guilt would never leave the core of her heart.

“I feel like a fucking walking cemetery.”

“Marlee,” I whispered her name because I didn’t have the strength to use my full baritone.

“I know you have hope,” Her eyes lazily drifted to mine. “I don’t.”

“The doctor say–“

“They said good things the last time too.” She interjected, reminding me that the past was fresh in her mind.

Her memory had been rebranded by the blazing steel of her past and the area was still consumed with blisters. I, on the other hand, had worked for years to forget – healing my scars.

“For Men’s Fashion Week – they want us?” Lau quizzed as though Karine, our manager, hadn’t just gave a thorough explanation.

“Yes. January 16th for Berlutti and January 17th for Jacquemus.”

“And Jordan – January 19th,” I beamed repeating the news I was most excited for.

For years I’d been obsessed with everything Michael Jordan and Jordan brand affiliated and now we would be working with them, and going to a party hosted by Mr. Jordan himself.

I couldn’t be happier.

“Oh yes!” Lau sang, equally as excited as me.

We’d signed the contracts weeks and ago but the awe still hadn’t left. I’d nearly passed out when Karine delivered the news but instead I’d used my last bit of strength to tug my phone from my pocket.

It was as my finger was hovering over the name that was first on my favorites list that I realized I couldn’t call it.

She would never answer for me.

“Also Dior sent over some stuff,” She glanced at a neat tower of boxes in the corner of the room. “And Larry, I need to speak with you.”

The cheer left her tone and her eyes offered no more brightness. I nodded and it was shaky. I was too consumed with trying to imagine what could possibly be wrong to present steady movements.

Last week I’d had a less than cordial encounter with a shitty judge at a Berlin battle – was it that? Or was it about that club in Turkey that kept trying to book us despite them having a very racist staff?

Lau, distracted by his phone, hadn’t left the room but he’d already checked out of the conversation.

Karine peered carefully at me from across the table before reaching for her prized Hermès bag and extracting a manila folder.

With a sigh she slid it across the table. “Came this morning.”

My eyes danced over her face, in an attempt to read her but I couldn’t – so I gave up and dropped my gaze down to the folder. Contracts often came in folders like this but what contract would lead to her solemn expression?

Annoyed with the hot curiosity seeping from my pores, I flipped the folder open and signed, finding the tiniest of black words. Without my glasses I was left to squint.

“What is this?” I murmured more to myself than the other parties in the room.

“What is it, bro?” Laurent decided to mentally join us again.

I ignored him as concentration narrowed my eyes further, causing strain that went right to my temples. I opened my mouth to complained about my lack of understanding when words I never wanted to see paired with a name that I’d cooed and sang and hissed and moaned for years became clear.

“Larry?” Lau pressed, standing from his seat and towering behind mine.

His vision was perfect unlike mine. It hadn’t taken him long to find the words that’d powered my heart down to nothingness is mere seconds.

“Petition for Divorce.” He read and my heart blackened, turning to dust in the cavity of my chest.

never knew love would hurt this fuckin bad..

#swbffic #lt fanfic

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deuceishiphop · 4 years

Video

earlier i posted about cancel culture, and i noticed a theme in some of my conversations - both in the comments section and in my DM’s. several people were distressed by not only my use of “nigga” but its juxtaposition with me saying “wypipo.” this was very intentional, and honestly i was waiting for someone to point it out because frankly, i think i've every right to say nigga. but here’s the counter-argument that caught my interest (and i’m paraphrasing): . ‘by using insulting language, you are alienating people - more specifically, the very people you want to reach most because they are the ones most likely to be alienated.’ . and you know what? they’re right. now before the rest of y’all rage on me, hear me out. i don’t think they’re right about how i use nigga, and i certainly don’t believe #wypipo is anywhere NEAR as insulting to whites as “nigger” is to Blacks. but, they are right about how my words can make others feel. and as i’ve said before, the gut reaction of our culture is to get defensive rather than listen...so by using whiteness as an insult, i AM potentially alienating people. and that’s not my goal. . my goal is to serve as an example of authenticity amidst dialogue. I'm not perfect, and i purposely don't edit myself because i think that's part of the problem - we're too afraid to show up as we are due to the backlash we might receive. i want us ALL to speak freely about race, embrace the ensuing friction, unearth our flaws, and dialogue until we reach an understanding by learning from each other. THAT'S progress, y'all - not hiding your thoughts & words out of fear, nor always agreeing. . once i post these, my words belong to y’all, and you interpret them based on your perspectives. that’s a powerful impact, and if I want others to take responsibility for their impact then I need to do it too. intentions don’t matter nearly as much as impact, so even though it’s frustrating for me to think someone got upset over #wypipo, i acknowledge that & will respect their feelings. after all, in a much larger sense that’s the same thing I ask of someone who defends flying a confederate flag. . hopefully, my anti-racist friends understand this. (at Nike World Headquarters) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCMBxN1jX-v/?igshid=1n19vdewcserk

#wypipo

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marvelheaux · 5 years

Text

T’challa’s Outside Daughter (Chapter 6)

T’challa x BlackDaughter!Reader/OC

A/N : Hey guys, I’m terribly sorry of this was rushed and thrown together, but life has been kicking my ass as of lately and I was extremely scatterbrained. But anyways, here’s chapter 6, I hope you enjoy! - Lanna

Description : Zyra is the first born of King T’challa. She moved to the states and grew up with her Single mother with hardly any contact with her father. Queen Mother Ramonda decided that with all the drama and secrets going on, that it's time to bring the family together .

Story Links:

Main Character + Faceclaim

Character List

She met one of her father's Exes (oneshot)

TOD Prologue , Chp1 , Chp2 , Chp3 , Chp4 , Chp5

Warnings: Possible Grammar Errors, Angst, Strong Language

Words: 3K

The lab was busy today, as educational material was being deployed from Wakanda, to both the Wakandan Outreach Centre in California and the Wakandan Embassy in New York City, back and forth. Shuri was working with her fellow scientists, approving and testing materials, while Zyra decided to lend a hand in assisting in the Air Traffic Control, while some of the staff was on a lunch break.

Pilot one: "Apron it's Q47-452 ready for pushback"

Zyra: "Q47-452 push at your discretion, call ready for taxi"

Pilot one: "452 roger"

Zyra cracked her knuckles and adjusted her earpiece after giving the pilot traffic orders, whilst making notes of who already taxied and who is about to arrive. As she was going through her checklist, she noticed a different jet configuration from the others that just came in.

“SHIT”. She thought to herself. “When am I ever going to get away from him?”

T’challa, controlling his one-manned jet, coming from a solo mission with the avengers in Switzerland.

T’challa: "Wakanda Molo ngokuhlwa , Q1-1 is out of thirteen six for 1-1 thousand, requesting runway 10."

Zyra: "Q1-1, runway 11, maintain 6 thousand, altimeter 30.05, maintain present heading"

He was slightly taken aback at the rejection of the runway he is accustomed to landing on, which was also reserved for him and the royal family. As he took the coordinates into account, he noticed a strange female voice on the controller, which was unfamiliar because he don't recall a female air traffic controller being on staff.

T’challa: Eh, may I ask who is controlling the air traffic?

Zyra froze. If she can run away from the air defence command booth, she would. But she had a job to do. She and her father were avoiding each other for the past couple of days since their awkward first time meeting each other in about 12 years. Anxiety crept up on her at a bad time. She potentially have people’s lives in her hands.

“Be professional Be Professional Be Professional.” she thought to herself again and decided to reply in the aviation language.”

“Zulu, Yankee, Romeo, Alpha....Uniform, Delta, Alpha, Kilo, Uniform…….Sir.”

“Oh.”

“Roger that”

T’challa nodded his head in approval and turned off autopilot to follow further landing instructions. He suddenly realised that he has a lot to learn when it comes to his eldest, especially her capabilities. He knew popping back into her life at such a risky stage of adolescence was not going to be a walk in the park, especially for a girl, but this will be one hell of a ride. And the rejected handshake was an astounding start, unfortunately.

Back in the controls room, it was 2pm, Zyra handed other the controls to the staff who was on a lunch break .

“You look so cute doing the controls” Shuri said. “you look like that girl from the Austin Powers movie” She was referring to Zyra’s outfit- a turtle neck, long sleeved cropped shirt, tucked into a high waisted flowing skirt with white knee-high boots.

“Thanks mamas! Y’all give me a stylist, to wear these boujie ass clothes in the house, when Wakanda is fucking 80 degrees. Aiight.”

Shuri just laughed along to Zyra’s rant, while they made their way to their quarters, so Zyra can get ready for cheer practice.

“Girl, guess who popped up on the comms when I was in the controls”

“Who?” Shuri cheekily plopped on Zyra’ bed, waiting for her to spill the tea she already tasted.

“His majesty of course.”

Shuri gasped.

“Did he find out it was you? Cause our last female air traffic controller retired a year ago.”

“He asked and I told him! Shyiieet. AND IN AVIATION LANGUAGE TOO! He talking bout summ ‘who’s controllin the air traffic’ ME BITCH! FUCK YOU MEAN!’ “ They both screamed with laughter and high-fiving each other like the partners in crime that they are.

“Oooo mamas! We have to talk about the outfits for the ceremony before you leave for the competition this week”

“Well I-”

As soon as they turned the corner, they ran into the King himself, still dressed in his panther suit. Zyra groaned internally.

“Hey brother! Nice to see you! How was the mission?”

“It was a bit of a challenge but a success” he said handing Shuri some devices, as she makes a run for it.

T’challa looked to his daughter.

“Hi intombazana yakho”

“Molo wam kumkani” Zyra replied awkwardly avoiding eye contact, looking all over the room.

“You don’t have to call me that, eh? I wanted to- “

“HIIII DADDYYYY!” the sound of Sariyah’s voice cut their conversation short. Both Matthew and Sariyah had just came home from school.

She ran into her father’s arms, totally disregarding Zyra’s presence on purpose. This gave Zyra saw the queue to leave the big happy family alone and go about her way. Sariyah smirked at her charms winning over her father once again. Matthew noticed his big sis hurrying out the door.

“Yo Where you going?”

“Practice.” she said dryly to her brother, before bolting out the door.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T’challa sat up in his bed, relaxing- wearing a fleece coated robe, bedroom slippers and sipping on some peppermint tea, recovering from his winter mission.He used this little downtime to get some R&R before the annual battle for the crown ceremony the next day. As he watched Lord Attuma from Atlantis giving his global warming statement on BBC World News, the door opened swiftly and caught the King’s attention.

“There you are!” Queen Nicolette smiled sweetly when she saw her husband. She crawled into bed, kissing T’challa deeply, before she sat in his lap.

They spoke briefly about the mission in switzerland and other personal ‘married couple’ stuff.

“Are you ready for tomorrow honey?” She said, while playing with the King’s moisturized curls.

“Eh, I think the third time around wouldn’t be such a challenge, plus baba and I need to have some brief words.”

“About Zyra right?”

T’challa eyes wandered off and bit his lip.

“Speaking of Zyra, ah she’s a doll, gorgeous. So sweet and so talented! I always say that she looks

Just.

you.”

T’challa looks at his baby girl cradled in his arms, as she yawns adorably, whilst making cute baby noises.

T’challa shook himself out of his flashback.

Did you know she agreed to be main dancer for the royal family?”

“Really?” T’challa gave an inquisitive look. “We haven’t had main dancer in about 50 years. Not since Princess Gcobisa.”

Princess Gcobisa was the youngest daughter of King Azzuri, and the baby sister of King T’chaka and Prince N’jobu. She was one of the most exciting, ray of sunshine royals in the family. She passed away from a concussion injury during training at the tender age of 18. T’chaka often told T’challa stories about his baby sister, because they were very close and would often say that Zyra reminds him of her, especially for both their love for dance. Hence Zyra’s middle name, Cebisa is close with hers, Gcobisa.

“By the way, how’s communication been working out for you?” Nicolette continued.

“She seems a little tip toey around me, which I understand, at least she’s respectful. What about you?”

“Well….she ran off before I could speak to her when Sariyah and Matthew came home from school...so I guess that’s a start.” T’challa chuckled.

“And she keep addressing me as ‘my king’ , I don’t have formalities with my children.”

“Then TELL HER.”

“I know but you can’t give up on her. Keep trying. That’s your first born, don’t you ever forget that.”

T’challa agreed in silence.

Later that evening…

“ Practice is over! I’m only half way dead..but I did pretty good so” Zyra laughed whilst recording her vlog at practice.

“Look! We got a second package for this weekend’s competition.!”

With short appearances and lots of laughs from her fellow teammates, she started to head home.

“So you’re actually dancing foreal?” Kailee asked her.

“Meh, I’m gonna try summ. I aint no professional doe.”

“My sister gonna dance too, don’t worry about it tho.

They both said their goodbyes and went about their separate ways.

Zyra skipped into the palace with her bare socks on her feet, aided by her personal guard N’ceba.

“Real ass bitch, give a fuck 'bout a nigga”

“Big Birkin bag, hold five, six figures” Zyra rapped the to the song “Act Up” By City Girls, making her way through the palace, with her rose gold solo beats blasting in her ears.

“Stripes on my ass so he call this pussy Tigger”

“Fuckin' on a scammin' ass, rich ass nigga”

“Sa-”

Zyra jumped and cut the rapping short when she walked into the dining room to find her father, Nicolette and her siblings having dinner.

“Oh hey..Molweni” She gave them an awkward wave.

“Hey hun! How was practice! Come have dinner with us.”

T’challa looked at Zyra nervously, whilst Nicolette gave him the ‘right T’challa?’ look and pinched him on his leg which caused him to slightly jump.

“Ah, Yes, you must be hungry and tired” he cleared his throat.

Zyra thought about it for a moment before making a decision.

“That’s sweet but I’m not really hungry right now, I’ll just eat in my room and watch Netflix, bye!”

She rushed off before T’challa can say anything else.

“She declined food? That’s a first!” Matthew chuckled.

“She’s probably scared of me ...hmmm” Sariyah laughed to herself and continued to eat her food.

“Why would she be scared of you?” T’challa chimed in, looking concerned.

“Why wouldn’t she?”

He side-eyed his youngest, like a white politician asking for the price of vibranium.

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I’m still annoyed about earlier.

I don’t fit into his life.

Not even if I tried.

He moved on with his new family.

Nicolette..she tries to be nice, it seem fake as fuck, but I can’t blame her to be honest. Imagine your husband hiding a child tho...

So does Matthew. He’s cool. As least he wanted to meet me.

Princess.

But Sariyah is such a stuck up bitch...she needs to pipe down before I knock her upside her motherfucking head.

Princess…

What am I even doing here?

Here we go again with the princess shit.

“Wake up my princess!”

“Huh?” Zyra jumped up with her bonnet almost off her head and eyes squinting from the light.

“Good Morning! Your breakfast is ready and the designer’s are ready for your fitting.

She brain did a windows XP start-up and she realised what her attendant was trying to tell her.

“Yeah yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”

As soon as Bongani left, she plopped right back into bed. She was still sore from cheer practice.

After she freshened up and ate her breakfast, Bongani was giving her a run down about the events that were going to take place at the ceremony and the protocol afterwards, regarding the winner of the battle.

The palace’s glam team worked on her makeup; and paint designs on her body, did an african style updo and fitted her for her Wakandan ceremonial dance outfit.

She was excited but nervous, she practiced some moves before bed last night and only hope she doesn’t mess up in front of everybody.

As the boats moved along the water, she moved her body to the beat of the drums which orchestrated her natural stage presence. All the other boats with the tribe leaders and dancers joined in. Her astounding talent in dance made the her fellow family members cheer her on and dancing along. She even cheekily dance on N’ceba while she was doing her dora milaje dance. (yemi’s pieces is zyra’s outfit)

“She such an attention whore! Ugh” Sariyah said in Matthew’s ear, and he laughed at her jealousy.

While she was dancing, she spotted someone that would be awkward as hell to cross paths with. Nakia. It’s very weird because it’s literally the same girl that her father used to sleep around with, when her mother was pregnant with her. Also, she happens to be her friend Kailee’s, older sister.

With that, Zyra’s confidence shot up into the air cause she really wanted to show Nakia that Nakia didn’t want no smoke.

The waterfall celebration was beautiful. So many beautiful black people in a kaleidoscope of colors.T’challa came out and the crowd started chanting his name as he awaited his challenger. He had fought two warriors from Border Tribe and Merchant Tribe and finally one from Mining Tribe. This time he was bigger than M’baku. Built like a Goliath ass nigga.

“Im just letting y’all know that, if we lose, my black ass is taking the first flight back to NY. I’m out this bitch. Period“ Zyra whispered in Shuri’s ear and she giggled.

“You ain’t going nowhere”

“Aite, bet.”

T’challa eventually won the fight but still got his ass beat. He was still the Black Panther & the King Wakanda.

Amongst the celebration of his win, came Nakia taking over the dance session. Nicolette carefully eyed her out of curiosity. Zyra was dancing in her own world but saw that Nakia was looking in her direction and the crowd was egging her on. Kailee warned Zyra that she battle the main dancers from every tribe, every year. But she wasn’t bothered by anybody because she’s an athlete, so she’s very competitive. And she wasn't about to let her father’s ex push her in a corner. So she stepped up.

Nakia kept doing her own thing while her tribe and the audience were cheering her on. Zyra cracked her neck effortlessly as she secured her stance. She looked to the River Tribe crowd of where she saw Kailee and Brandon giving her the thumbs up. Zyra pulled out the dance moves that she have been practicing in the training room for days. With her moves hitting to every solid beat of the drums, even throwing a backflip to an award winning split whilst looking Nakia straight in the eyes, which made the Wakandans clutch their pearls. Showing her flexibility skills with a flawless heel stretch and ended it off with the majorette style death drop. The crowd went wild. The crowd clearly chose their winner. Zyra knew Nakia can’t top that one. She learned that from her Majorette dance group at Spelman College. She knows that SHE don't know nothing about that.

T’challa looked on clapping for his daughter. He was impressed. But not surprised to say the least. Raechella used to be a professional dancer and a volleyballer in her younger years. Athleticism definitely runs in the family.

Despite Zyra giving Nakia a shady stare-down and cocky hair flip, she decided to extend an olive branch.

Walking up to Nakia , she held out her hand to her.

“Congrats Princess” Nakia says with a bow.

The bow confused Zyra a bit.

Is she mocking me or being respectful?

“thank you.”

Nicolette soon came rushing over with excitement and snatched Zyra from the conversation , which made Nakia fall back awkwardly .

“oh my gosh!!! I didn't know you had it in you! Did you know your father was watching?”

Who?

“oh ok.”

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“Y’all see this right?”

“Zyra did what she had to do! #PERIOD”

“The fact that Zyra beat her father’s ex in a dance battle is iconic.”

“It’s today’s old that I found out Zyra is african. I heard she got Caribbean fam too!”

“Fuck the dance battle! I was robbed of Zyra challenging her father for the throne. #QueenZyra”

“UGH”

“Zyra this, Zyra that. These idiots don’t get tired?” Sariyah strolled down through black twitter and rolling her eyes at the tweets from the video of Zyra dancing that went viral overnight.

“You don’t get tired hating?” Matthew chimed in as he walked past her open door.

“BOY SHUT UP ! NO ONE IS TALKING TO YOU”

“AND WHY YOU SO DEFENSIVE ABOUT HER ANYWAYS? YOU DON’T KNOW HER! SHE’S A NOBODY MATTHEW!”

Matthew couldn’t believe how his sister was acting. Yeah she is a little boujie and rude at times but she was way too bothered about Zyra being in the house.

“Maybe if you aren’t so jealous, you would get to know her too.”

Sariyah laughed sarcastically.

“Jealous of that thing? She and her mama are clout chasers Matt!”

Matthew didn’t respond to her insults, he just slammed his bedroom door on the way in.

………...

*refer to this fic* At Adam’s house, the gang were hanging out for the impromptu friday game night. Adam and Kailee just finished killing each other about who won monopoly, whilst diving into an interesting story time about Zyra and her encounter with one of her father’s bevy of women he dated over the years. (zyra below)

“Speaking of EXES Zyra…” Chioma laughs while biting into her lemon pepper wing that Zyra wanted to steal.

“Let’s talk about the balls you had dance battling Nakia.”

“I’m not gonna gas you cause you’re my friend, but you killed that shit foreal.” Adam chimed in and kailee started clapping.

“I didn’t know THAT was gonna come out of her!”

“ME NEITHER!”

“YASSS!!”

Zyra cringed uncomfortably and adorably at the slightest compliment. While she is flattered usually, she’s not the biggest fan of praise nor extra attention.

“I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous as fuck, but my momma didn’t raise no pussy.”

“.....”

“I’m not in support of this, but my sister wants to talk to you”

“Ooop” Brandon sipped his drink.

Zyra was shocked.

“Really?”

“I personally think my sister is a hoe, and what she did to your mom was foul but-”

“Did you just call your sister a hoe?”

“Um..she is?? One time, she tried to tell my father about me sneaking out the house to see my boyfriend, and when I told her that he was my man and I don’t fuck other people’s husbands or baby daddy’s, she punched me and we started fighting.”

Everybody in room burst into the laugher.

“Sis was triggered I guess.” Zyra said, trying to recover from laughing so hard.

“In all seriousness...yeah. It’s up to you though.”

“I’ll think about it.”

��...”

“Chioma I know you can’t finish those wings, gimme!”

*SONG FOR THE CHAPTER (YEMI ALADE - YAJI FT SLIMCASE & BRAINEE)

Molo ngokuhlwa- Good Afternoon.

intom

bazana yakho - my daughter

Molo - hi

Wam kumkani - my king

Molweni - good evening

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS CHAPTER? WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING HAPPEN NEXT? COMMENT !! YOUR FEEDBACK MEANS ALOT! AND REBLOG TO SHARE WITH OTHERS IF YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER. - Lanna xx

Taglist: @mxrvelous-bxrnes @kida114 @royallyprincesslilly @randomassfandomwho @jadesid @deansbbysblog @pananegra @jonsnowisthesexiestbastard @janell-r @zacarakillmonger @omgsuperstarg @skysynclair19 @amethyst09 @sisterwifeudaku @bezzywazhere @letrecek @champagnesugamama @maddiestundentwritergaines @bribrisback @oceanscorazon @mufasathatniggatho @raysunshine78 @queennanayaa @fonville-designs @chaneajoyyy

#T'Challa #black panther #Chadwick Boseman #t'challa x reader #t'challa imagine #black panther x reader #black panther imagine #shuri #zyra udaku #t'challa udaku #nakia #wakanda #Dora Milaje #black panther fanfiction

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finderskeepersff · 5 years

Text

66. Part 2

Looking down at Cartier as he drank his milk, he been acting out earlier but now he is drinking his milk. It’s going on eleven at night, I think he knows it’s Christmas, well Christmas eve but still, it’s here and I know he is hype about. Usually his eyes be sleepy as fuck but he awake and very alert but still drinking his milk, I don’t want him to be like me. Awake at night, I want him to have a normal sleeping pattern, be the legend he already is. Be something more, so I will make sure he sleeps. Cartier really does play up with Sofia though, he wouldn’t even have his milk but with me he did, I don’t even think I am strict but he listened, maybe it’s that bond we got. Even though he can hold his own bottle, I am still holding it for him. He is my little baby still, I mean he is a baby but he is growing now. Cartier placed his hands on the bottle and moved his head away from me with the bottle in hand “you don’t want me to hold it?” that is mean, I think the best blessing I ever got is this, being a father. It’s such a good feeling to have, such pure love and no judgement at all. For Sofia and Cartier I am going to calm my ass down, I am not going to kick off at them two downstairs. I think I was going to be ok with them and yes I got them watched, found out they was not at the airport I assumed so it pissed me off. But for the sake of these two I ain’t going to say shit, people don’t understand how much these people have hurt me and used me, they expect me to be good because I got a fucking heart “ain’t he done yet?” Sofia asked “no, he is awake still” I laughed at him, he is being a real pain today.

We trying another way now, Cartier has not slept with milk so we doing the laying him in the crib with his bubzy but this little nigga is not trying to sleep “go to sleep!” I said laughing, gripping his arms and yanking his hands off of the edge and laying him back down “go to sleep boy” placing his pacifier in his mouth again “and here” placing bubzy next to him “tomorrow I will be here to wake you up, we going to have so much fun together. I promise you, we going to open some presents. Watch some movies together, we going to turn up together but you need to sleep” moving my hand away from his pacifier, he smiled at me “you think your funny, I am still here for you. Watch you while you sleep, your momma ain’t got the time. You done pissed her off” I chuckled “but you got me” turning Cartier onto his side, this may work. I mean my poor back reaching into this crib, rubbing his back “you relax boy” rubbing his back lightly, he is settling a little actually. He held his bubzy close, stroking the back his head. His hair is growing out, I may shave it or get him a shape up but he has some light skinned hair, it’s so light.

I did it, he is asleep so I won this battle, he is such a brat for that though. He just wanted to stay awake and annoy his mother which is funny to me. After that kick off I didn’t go down and remained upstairs but I am going down now, I ain’t going to shy away from them two idiots. Walking down the steps of my home, I think next year is going to be very interesting and I know for a fact Kalia don’t know what’s hitting her, we going to be importing them drugs and guns now, Raphael has a dealer and all we needed is Kalia, she will get this shit for us. Bigger and better Cassius for the win, none high Cassius is better. Hearing the talking in the living room, clearing my throat as I made my way into the room “y’all cosy here” I can’t help it at all, I need to stop “I am, nigga I ain’t scared of you” Jasmine never shuts up at all “I know that, you’re a little bitch that is why” Sofia mean mugged me “I won’t have that Cassius, you won’t swear at your sister in this home, you have some respect. I could be having a girl and I wouldn’t want any man swearing at her, neither would you so no” Sofia is just, annoying I will say that instead “I just remembered, I can’t really stand you at all. Carnell’ best kids, I don’t need to see any of you” I just remembered how much I can’t stand them and I can’t sit with them.

The J trio, I remember my auntie said that. She was like the J triplets, I was the odd one fucking out and I knew that. Downing the Henny from the glass, Sofia’ great ideas be annoying my life and now I am stuck with this on a lovely day for us “bro” I stopped midway with my glass in my hand “you don’t have any” I mumbled “but I do” slamming my glass on the counter top “don’t call me bro Josiah, you got balls coming up to me” looking over at him “I am not scared of you out of fear but because you’re my eldest brother and I respect you. And what you think of me means a lot” moving back from the kitchen counter “I am weak” he said it for me “I know I am, I know I am the weakest twin. Jordan always wanted to be with you and like you. I didn’t mean to disrespect you but I was upset. You don’t know what it’s like to lose a twin, I walk around with half a heart. He was a sick minded guy but he was my other half, I just wish he listened to me, I wish everyone listened to me but like you said, I am weak. I am sorry, you know how hard it is to keep family together at my brother’ funeral, and then I was seeing it all fall apart and the only person that kept us together was disconnecting himself” his voice broke “I know dad is no good! I know Cassius, I lived it with you! I attacked you because I was angry, not at you but the piece that was keeping us together was breaking away. It came off wrong, I get it” I would like to beat his ass to be honest, my fucking golden child brother.

Josiah slid his phone across the counter “you want me to break that?” I looked at the phone “look at it” reaching over to the phone, flipping the phone around “Power Rangers” looking down at the picture of me and my brothers, I would say I was eight here “I was always the black ranger, no matter what” placing his phone on the counter top “we had a good time as kids, three boys. Our childhood was so good and that was because of you, our older brother is so cool. Even when you came to high school and beat those kids for me, you always looked out for us. Jordan and I we twins but I wanted to learn and he didn’t, he knew them kids were being dicks to me but you, you came and nobody ever touched me again. I would never disrespect you Cassius. Dad told me to beat them guys myself, I can’t fight but you didn’t say that, you did it for me. I always respected you, you don’t get it. I never meant to do that. I keep that photo in my phone because it reminds me of the good times. You think I am having fun in Cali, Jasmine is but me, nah” he shook his head “I miss my brother, not money but my brother. And you got it all wrong, we never went to JFK openly but it was the cheapest way to get here without paying out so much. Hundred dollar cheaper, we ain’t seen them in months. Jasmine calls but I don’t because I blame them, not you. I ain’t come here for anything, I came to see you and if you want me gone still then I will go” reaching over to his phone, sliding it back over to him “don’t ever turn to drugs” I said “I tried it” he shook his head “not me, I didn’t feel any better” grabbing my lighter from the side, walking towards the double doors “come” it’s cold out here but I can’t do weed inside.

Holding the blunt out to him “you need to relax more than me” blowing the smoke out “what drugs did you try?” I still see that teenage Josiah when I look at him, it’s crazy how much he is still a young kid to me. He held his arm out “needle?” he nodded his head “you hooked?” he shook his head “it scared me, and then I told Jasmine. So she been keeping me close. I been living on the streets but I am with Jasmine now. I ain’t no model, I ain’t shit. Jasmine is crazy, she got a sugar daddy, he pays everything for her” that is a mess “why you being weak? Tell her no” Josiah shrugged “I am living in her place, I can’t. Cassius, you were more of a dad to me. You took everything for us, you took the ass whoopings for us, you took this for us and now you a big dealer because you didn’t want us to be but you taught us to do good, you told us to do good in school. That night, remember when I followed you downstairs, I couldn’t sleep. You said for me to do good, be something because you’re lost. And that time I told you I failed my exam and you said I still did good even though dad beat me for failing” wiping the tear that fell “because you did do good, dad didn’t see the beauty in failure and you tried again and you passed. I took you out” Josiah nodded his head “I miss you” Josiah cried out “don’t cry” hitting his shoulder “it’s fine” he is howling, I wish he wouldn’t “come on, hey” yanking his arm forward “come here” pulling him forward to hug him “stop being dumb” hugging him.

I ain’t seen Josiah cry like that, he ain’t cry like that at Jordan’ funeral “we only had each other, we did and we still do so when y’all picked them over me I was hurt, still am. I was there for you all, I paid out yes but I was there for you all and y’all didn’t want me, I love you all so much and that rejection really pissed me off and then you came at me. Out of everything, every little thing that happened to me I still prefer it being me then y’all. Big brother bond is different and I protect y’all” we have been outside for so long “let’s go inside, I am cold. My balls have disappeared” walking back into the home “I ain’t ever been involved with the shit you do Cassius but when I needed too I tried, Jordan was stupid and I wished he listened to me. If he did then he would be here but he ain’t. You held us together, and then once you left there was nothing for us to be together for. It was fuelled by money and greed, Cassius I ain’t ever took anything from you, you gave me. I never used you, you gave me and said do what I need to do. And I see why, you wanted me away from them” I sniggered “didn’t work though, you came back. Missed the toxic home, I think in a way we all came back. We probably thought that they may have changed, they was never meant to be parents but god gave them kids” they didn’t deserve it “I am sorry Cassius, we never saw them. We went JFK, we landed in JFK and then caught the flight here, Jasmine ain’t shy she would tell you that to your face. I ain’t ever been scared of you, the fear is respect because you are older than me” nodding my head “it’s cool” shuffling towards the living area “I am going to bed” I walked by not stopping because I am tired and I want to be awake for Cartier early, and my mind is numb.

I am in pain with the fucking gun shot wound, I mean the body amour saved me but still, the bruising is so bad. I have just had pain killers so I am going to sleep this off, I should be ok in the morning. With Josiah, I never had issues with him, he was always quiet. It’s like he held it in with things and then with Jordan he was loud as fuck for not reason, and I do believe him. I don’t want him to be depressed either, I am not my father because he would drop him in a heartbeat for money “what happened outside?” Sofia is nosey as shit “nothing, you come up here being nosey huh” looking down at my knuckles, I didn’t know I bruised my knuckles actually “well we had heard crying and that wasn’t you, I know your cries” that was funny I had to laugh “that is deep you know” looking up from my knuckles “it is deep, I know you. You ain’t going to beat his ass?” shaking my head “we all broken people, just that I got help and I got you. I judged, they went JFK because it was a cheaper flight, they wanted it to be cheap, my guy was right but there was no context and I guess I know. I ain’t a bad guy Sofia” she smiled at me “I didn’t say you was, I think you’re hard headed, that is all and so is your son. He is working my last nerve, oh my god!” Sofia gawked at my stomach and stormed over to me “what is this!?” she spat “I know your body Cassius, what!?” she going to say she knows my dick next, I sighed out “it was a fight, I am good. Just sore, I need to sleep it off. All is well yeah?” I ain’t about to tell her it was a gun shot, she will go crazy on me.

I groaned out, I feel like shit right now “Happy Christmas eve Cassius” Sofia kissed my forehead “also wake up, Cartier is awake and I will be making breakfast” I can only imagine how early it is, I feel ill and that is because I was outside in the cold. Wrapping the covers around me “I don’t feel too good” my throat is hurting “baby, Cartier will be sad. He wants you” she is a liar “I will bring him” feeling Sofia leave the bed, the heat from her body left which I needed. I shouldn’t have stood outside like an idiot because I really do feel like shit, feeling my forehead my head is warm too. Cartier don’t want me, Sofia could let me sleep in “you put your pacifier in your mouth and you lay next to your grumpy dad ok” turning onto my back to see Sofia, looking over at Cartier. He held out bubzy with his hand smiling, he brings me so much joy “go on, go to your dad” I can’t feel lazy in bed now, holding my arm out to him as he gathered himself to crawl over to me “I will be downstairs, you can stay up here. Watch TV” nodding my head “cool, hey champ!” he is such a joy.

Pulling my hood up on my hoodie “shall we go and see what momma is making” she ain’t said shit for us to go and eat yet so I just thought I would come down and see what is up, Cartier grabbed the strings from my hoodie “you about to put that in your mouth” I always know when my sister is here, she is in the kitchen. The music blaring and she only cooks if she can listen to music while she does “what is she like” reaching the bottom of the steps, I still ain’t forget that Josiah told me she is fucking with some sugar daddies, who the fuck does that. Sofia is sat on the bar stool, my sister is cooking then. Walking into the kitchen, my sister would be shaking ass and cooking “it’s early” I said but I don’t think she heard me, Sofia took Cartier from me “put in work, put em in the dirt” Jasmine sang along and turned around “you done?” Jasmine laughed “I just started, your plate is with the extra pancake. I remember” she does remember.

Nodding my head at Josiah, he’s just woke up. Josiah held his fist out to me, touching his fist with mine “morning” I am feeling like shit, I am trying to not feel this bad but I can’t help it “morning family!” Amira spat, I need to change my password of my home “fuck me” I know Kyle ain’t here “oh my god, Amira. Girl!” Sofia shot up from her seat, getting up from the table. He got a nerve to be here, picking my plate up “aww shit, Kyle!” Jasmine said, I rather take myself out of the room. Placing my plate in the sink “good seeing you, and you Josiah” watching Kyle, resting against the counter top. Side eyeing Sofia as she walked over to me with plates in hand “you set this up?” lifting myself up a top of the counter top, I winced a little, I be forgetting about that wound “I didn’t actually, why you think I did that. They came to see us” kissing my teeth “he pisses me off, his face does” Sofia looked up at me “y’all chill and I will go upstairs” jumping off the counter “Cassius” Sofia said, taking an orange with me because I need some vitamin in me.

Even though I am feeling ill, I still have it in me to smoke outside. I can’t help myself, I need it sometimes “Cassius, are you in here?” furrowing my eyebrows, that is a voice I didn’t expect. Flicking my cigarette over the balcony “here” walking back into the bedroom “hey, can I come in?” Amira asked “sure, what’s up?” if she’s not dumb she will not speak on that dickhead “I just wanted to ask, I hear you have drugs running through Atlanta now? Supplier?” nodding my head “I have some, I should have said but yeah, that will be going through the club” I didn’t even warn her “ok” she said, things became awkward instantly “look Cassius, Kyle is sorry” rolling my eyes “I heard he was, cool. Look, friends be there for you even when your down. He allowed me to do something I have to live with every day, I can put it on my son that if this was him he wouldn’t even be near at all, no matter how much he fought me” Amira looked at me in sadness “and that night he came home empty handed I said the same thing, I can’t tell you why either. I understand, something you will do in your own time” nodding my head “yep, but you can come here when you like. See my son, I know how much you adore him” she good people.

I decided to sit downstairs with them but obviously because my son is opening his gifts “come here” Sofia waved me over, she got down on the floor slowly with Cartier “let’s open some gifts” she sat him on the floor “aww, he is so confused right now” sitting on the floor next to Sofia “make sure he doesn’t crawl off” Sofia pointed, Cartier is ready to attack all of the things under the tree. Dragging him back “shall we open Auntie Amira and Uncle Kyle gift first, honestly. You both didn’t need too” taking in a deep breath, he really shouldn’t “aye” grabbing Cartier back and decided to keep him with me now, holding him up on his legs “look at mommy, oh wow. You see that baby” his attention is elsewhere now, this is good “oh baby, you got more toys. What am I going to do with this” it’s a toy truck, he going to love that “you going to love that” kissing his cheek, placing Cartier next to the box. He can play with that “what did I say Amira, don’t spoil him. He don’t need it, not with him around” Sofia pointed at me before she ripped open another box from them “awww basketball toy for you. Cassius you going to love this” I actually do “my little basketball player, we going to teach you young” Cartier crawled over to Sofia, god I love this boy so much “you need to say thank you to uncle and auntie son, actually his diaper needs changing. I get why you came to mommy, you ain’t smell that?” shaking my head “men” Sofia rolled her eyes at me, I really didn’t smell anything.

“Cassius! Come upstairs!” Sofia shouted, she is loud as fuck “am I in trouble” getting up from the floor “she seemed very angry” Jasmine said “I know I ain’t done anything” making my way over to the stairs, I know I did nothing wrong so I don’t understand the anger. Jogging up the steps “your son!” Sofia spat, seeing Sofia’ top “you’re wet?” I pointed out “yes, your fucking son peed on me, I mean maybe it’s my fault for the slow reaction but he peed on me” I snorted laughing “oh no, oh my. Did he get your face too?” Sofia side eyed me “yes, just get him out of my face. Take him, that boy hates me” I feel sorry for her “my bad, sorry that my son has great aim” Sofia hit my arm “I hate you, I need a shower. Just deal with him” I chuckled “oh god” I breathed out laughing “Cartier, Cartier, Cartier. What the hell you do!? Momma angry” she has placed him in the crib, she is not happy. Cartier babbled on, seeing Cartier in just his diaper “you done fucked up” shaking my head laughing.

Cartier is hilarious, I can’t stop laughing at him “you done got momma mad son, why you have to pee on her” Cartier knows he’s done bad, he rested his head on my shoulder “well you need to go sleep soon, least you ready for bed now” rubbing his back as I made my way to my bedroom, I know Sofia is so angry because she now needs to have a shower because of it “knock, knock. Momma!” I said aloud, Cartier lifted his head up smiling. I knocked on the door again “momma, Cartier is sorry” opening the door, walking into the room “are you still in the shower!?” I spat, clearly she is I can hear the water running. How long is she about to be, walking over to the bathroom “I am coming out!” she shouted hearing the water turn off “Cartier is sorry” walking into the bathroom “Cassius!” Sofia spat, I mean she is acting like I ain’t seen her naked before “close your eyes son, she mine” placing my hands over his eyes “I cleaned him up, he’s clean and pee free” a slight smiled played on my lips “whatever” looking down at her bump “you know, you look beautiful pregnant” Sofia grinned placing the towel around her body “go away, you’re going to make me shy. Just let me get dressed, put him to sleep. I am angry at him” poor Cartier, he really done did it now.

Shaking Cartier’ bottle “they gone?” I asked Josiah “yeah, they went. You and Kyle not fucking with each other?” shaking my head “he did some shit but anyways, say night to them” walking over to Jasmine first “awww come to auntie” Cartier clung to me “stop being a brat, be nice” he ain’t playing with that “fine! I will kiss you!” Jasmine spat, she kissed his cheek roughly “he is so moody, he will get used to us boy!” smiling at Cartier “he is dada boy, he is like me. My mini me, say night to Josiah” walking over to Josiah “I am happy you both are speaking, we only got each other, you know that Cassius” Cartier let Josiah take him “fuck off!! No way, fuck you! How” Jasmine pointed, Cartier really went to Josiah “I guess he don’t like you Jasmine, you stank” Jasmine looks so offended.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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theindependentjournals · 4 years

Text

Notes on Class

-The very first time I inhaled real marijuana?- “oh……lovely..”

PRELUDE (AN OPENING REMARK:) “FAKE ASS BEACH IN MY DUMB MOFUCKING LIL BRAIN ASS HOMOEROGONEOUS ASS TWATS FAKE ASS WASTE OF MY MOFUCKING TIME. STUPID GAY SHITTY FUCK FALSE ASS HOE NIGGAS AINT NO REAL NIGGAS BUNCH A LIL BITCHES ASS WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE ASS STRIPPING FUCKING HO PIMP MURDERED FAKE ASS MORMON SHIT WIT THEM DAMN BITCH NIGGER, BITE MY THUMB BITCH. SHIT ASS BITCH MOTHERFUKIN FAKE ASS NIGGER FOLK WITH THEIR DAMN STUPID BULLSHIT LIVES THEM OLD FAGGOT ASS NIGGER. CHOKE ON A MOFUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH SHIT HOEBAG DOUCHE MONKEYS MOFUCKING CATHETAR BITCH.”

BLISS, ID THE WALKER CENTER 1-800-227-4190 ACCESS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH 208-338-4699 EVALUATOR DUSTIN LYNCH : SEVERE DRUG HABIT (3.5) NOT EVEN ONCE ORGANIZATION 12 STEP SPRITUAL RECOVERY PLAY IT FORWARD “I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR” THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION (DSM-IV) DRUGS APP ON PHONE

DEB: “I DRIVE ON THESE ROADS SOMETIMES! YOU WERE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK!”

Alfonzo: 9 WEEKS CLEAN OFF COCAINE. TRIP OUT OF TOWN FOR 4TH OF JULY TO CABIN… JET SKIS AND POWERBOARDS. HE DOES VALIDATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BELIEVES IN A HIGHER POWER. VISITED HIS DAUGHTER AND WENT TO ICE CREAM.FEELS VICTIMIZED BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND THINK HE WILL STEAL FROM THEM OR HARM THEM. PLAYS APP ON PHONE WHEN TRYING TO REST, “CALM.” HE HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 11 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AND THEN HE DRANK AT A FRIDAY 4TH OF JULY PARTY. HIS UA CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WAS READY TO PREPARE FOR RELAPSE.

Phillip: DRUG OF CHOICE METH AND COCAINE. WAS AWAY FOR A WHILE. STOPPED ACID 3 WEEKS AGO, HAD A REALLY HARD TIME QUITTING MARIJUANA AND ACID. IRRITABLE AND DEHYDRATED.

James: 2 WEEKS CLEAN OFF ALCOHOL AND METH. USES PATIENCE. “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.” BORN A BOY IN SPOKANE, WA. IS NOW 50. AT 2 Y.O. MOVED TO A SMALL TOWN COMMERICIAL FISHING WITH DAD. USED CRAB BOATS. “ALWAYS GONE FISHING.” HAD 4 SISTERS, 1 BROTHER. IF MOM WASN’T WORKING THEN SHE WAS DRUNK. DRANK DRANK DRANK. A LOT OF ABUSE, BUT WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HARM THEM. DAD TOOK ONE SISTER OUT OF HOUSE TO LOOSEN THE LOAD ON MOM. THE THREE WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER AND BECOME ISOLATED BECAUSE OF ABUSE. BREAKING WINDOWS – RUNNING – SHOOTING STUFF. DAD AND MOM FIGHT OVER ALCOHOL. STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE DRANK. WANTED TO BE LIKE MOM SO WOULD DRINK THE BEER AND REFILL WITH CREAM SODA. WANTED TO BE LIKE DAD SO WOULD STEAL CIGARETTES. SISTERS WERE SMOKING CIGARETTES AND MARIJUANA. THEN HE WAS STONED AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. WOULD GET HIMSELF SICK FROM LIQUOR AND ADD WATER. NOBODY KNEW IT WAS HIM, THEY KNEW THE SISTERS SMOKED MARIJUANA SO THEY BLAMED ALL ON SISTERS. HE STARTED STEALING CRAP SO HE GOT TO GO FISHING. HAD GOOD MONEY FOR BEING YOUNG. STARTED INTO COCAINE AND LOTS OF IT. HAD 30 U.A.S FOR BREAKING CURFEW AND HAD TO GO BACK AGAIN. COURTS JUST WANTED HIS WEALTHY FAMILIES MONEY. IT WAS MOSTLY “TAKE OUR MONEY AND LET US GO.” HE GOT MARRIED AND BARELY KNEW HER CAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. SHE GOT PREGNANT AND THE KID DIED OF SIDS. HE LEFT HER AND WENT ON A BENDER. 4 DUIS -> ASSAULT -> PRISON. “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” PRISON SUCKS. HE ATTENDED NO GROUPS, JUST HAD TIME. HIS DAD MOVED TO IDAHO. HE HAD NOTHING TO DO. HE STOPPED FISHING AND BEGAN USING METH. DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT BACK INTO METH, MUST HAVE BEEN SOME FRIEND. COUPLE YEARS INTO IDAHO AND HAD TROUBLE WITH PAROLE. WENT INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE AND BAM THERE WAS METH. WAS DRINKING SO P.O. TOOK OUT OF HALFWAY HOUSE. DATED A WOMAN THERE. HAD HOUSE, CARS, GOOD LIFE, THEN TO DOING METH AGAIN. AT 18, HIS LIFE WAS LIKE MONEY, BOAT, COCAINE. IN NEWPORT, OR.

Pricsilla: 6 MONTHS CLEAN OFF METH/COCAINE/VODKA. “BEING DONE WITH WHAT I USED TO DO.” MOVED OUT OF A SHELTER AND DID A MRI BRAIN SCAN TO LOOK FOR PROBLEMS. TEMPS OF 100 MAKE HER IRRITABLE AND MOODY. SHE THINKS IT IS TOO DRY. SHE NEEDS NASAL DROPS. SHE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD IN CALIFORNIA AT 18. USING SKILLS LIKE RATIONAL THINKING AND ABSITENCE.

Blake: 3 MONTHS CLEAN OFF MARIJUANA. HAS NARCOLEPSY. USES FAMILY TO KEEP HIM FROM BLAZING. GRADUATED HEALTHY THINKING GROUP.

Paul: 9 MONTHS CLEAN OFF OPIATES & BENZOS. TRYING TO GET HIS “DUCKS IN A ROW.” HAS A HOME IN WILDER. SPENT 2 YEARS IN ICELAND. STOPPED TAKING PAIN KILLERS HE BECAME IMMUNE TO EFFECTS. -PAIN MEDS APPARENTLY ONLY ARE EFFECTIVE FOR 3 DAYS- SPENT 30 YEARS ON PAIN MEDICATIONS. SCOLIOSIS ON DISCS. SISTER TOOK HIS PILLS AWAY. SO HE WENT TO HOSPITAL. 30, 80MG A DAY. METHADONE WORKED BETTER AND WAS EASIER TO GET OFF OF. FEELING LETHARGIC. STOPPED NARCOTICS, STARTED DIAZEPAN. PERCOCETS WORKED GOOD BUT BUILT A RESISTANCE. HE WILL TAKE AGAIN BUT AT A LOWER DOSE. NO DETOX BUT TOOK 30 DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO DOCTOR BUT ALL THEY DO IS TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE. DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PAIN IS LOCATED. NARCOTICS <- NUEROSENDERS -> CLEAN. TAKING LYRICA FOR NERVE PAIN AND VISTARIL FOR ANXIETY. CHRONIC PAIN CLASSES AND HE IS A SURGICAL CANDIDATE FOR NERVE BACK.. CLEARING NERVES AND FUSING BACK. HERE AT RECOVERY 4 LIFE FOR 9.5 MONTHS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND COURT REQUIRED. DAY BY DAY HE HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING. HAS ANXIETY AND AVOIDS TRIGGERS, NO TRAUMA.

Matt: 2 MONTHS CLEAN. GOING FISHING AT CJ STRIKES.

Inez: 22 MONTHS SOBER OFF ALCOHOL. SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD QUIT DRINKING. HER FRIEND QUIT AS WELL WHOM SHE ALSO NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET CLEAN. “I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS.” PRACTICES A GOOD ATTITUDE WITH GRATITUDE. WAS A LIASON IN THE HOUSE SHE IS THE MANAGER OF. NEEDS TO STOP GETTING MAD. A GIRL WHO LIVES THERE, HER BOYFRIEND CALLED OVER AND OVER. GIRL WAS PISSED OFF NOBODY ANSWERED, 36 RINGS AND 9 CALLS, ENDED UP NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND BUT A VERY IMPORTANT CALL. “ALCOHOL IS MY DOWNFALL” DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE MANAGEMENT POSITION FOR THE WOMAN’S HOME. SHE HAD SOME SEIZURES AND HAD TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL. “I HAVE TO BE CLEAN OR I WILL GO TO JAIL.” SOBER SINCE 8/16/16, NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE SOBER FOR 2 YEARS. WISHES SHE HAD A CORVETTE. DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN’T HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS. LOSING HER HOME. HAS TO ACCEPT FACT THAT LIFE CHANGES AND GOD SUCKS…. LMAO, JOKES ON YOU. GOES TO THE NAMPA PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Donna: EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. SAD -> HAPPY -> HURT -> LONELY -> ISOLATED. WAS A DRUNKEN MESS AND HATED EVERYTHING. TRYING NOT TO OVER-CATASTROPHIZE FEELINGS TO SITUATIONS. LEARNED DISTRESS TOLERANCE. TRYING TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL AND AWARE. LEARNING TO SPEAK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. WISHES OTHERS TO BE OPEN-MINDED IN DIALETICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY GROUP. THINKS OTHERS WILL NOT LIKE THE GROUP AT FIRST OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. “ADDICTION DOES NOT DISCRIMATE AGAINST AGE/GENDER.” WORKING ON KEEPINIG HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK SO SHE DOES NOT GET A ONE-WAY TICKET ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

ALLEYGAINY SIERRA NEVADAS MOTANA. CANCER IN BREAST -> BRAIN. 16TH BIRTHDAY MET DAVE GAINEY WHO RAPED HER AND HER MOM DIED THE SAME TIME. SISTERS MOVED. DAVE GAINEY WAS KATHY’S HUSBAND AND HER DAD’S BEST FRIEND. SHE RAN TO THE NEIGHBORS. GRAD CARMEL HIGH FEB 1986 IN FALLON, NV. SISTER STARTED DOING COCAINE AND MOVED TO SACRAMENTO. DIED IN 2012. HAD FIRST CHILD. SPLIT FROM FATHER AND HE KIDNAPPED THE BABY.SHE GOT HIM BACK, HE WAS UNDERWEIGHT AND HAD LEAD POISONING IN A PART OF HIS KIDNEY, HAD TO GET REMOVED. (ANDREW 1990) BRITTANY AND BROOKE, TWINS DIED OF HEART AND LUNG FAILURE APRIL 28, 1998 AT 3 MONTHS. HUSBAND WAS HEAVY MACHINE OPERATOR IN THE MINES. KYLE 1992. GRADUATED ICC COLLEGE WITH NURSING LICENSE. WAS PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL. HAD BROCK AND HER CERVIX TURNED BLACK UTERINE CANCER. IV TO LOSING HAIR. MET A CLUB GUARD BRYAN, BEGAN RUNNING AND GUNNING. HE SMACKED HER SILLY (PHYSICAL ABUSE.) MC AT CLUB HOOKED IT UP (LARRY.) HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE. HE WAS IN A HIT AND RUN. WAS LIFEFLIGHTED TO NA. HAD ALCOHOL IN WATER BOTTLE WHEN SHE VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL. WHERE SHE WAS TAKEN TO 28 DAY PROGRAM AT NEW START. DRANK DRANK DRANK. DEC. 7TH TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. DRIVING AND BLEW DOUBLE .29 IN JEROME COUNTY. HAD NO BAIL. IS ORDERED TO REMAIN SOBER UNTIL 2019. “LOONY FREAKZOID” WHEN I DRINK.

Lawnie: HAS A FULFILLING LIFE WITH HIS FAMILY. WORKING ON NOT AVOIDING OR ESCAPING SITUATIONS. SOBERED UP BUT DID NOT WANT TO FACE SOBRIETY. HALF SMILE AND OPEN HANDS. WORKING ON RESPECTING THE EARTH AROUND HIM. VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING. “I KNOW I AM WORTH SOMETHING.” TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BY WALKING ½ HOUR A DAY. RECOMMENDS FOR OTHERS IN GROUP TO BE ON TIME AND PARTICIPATE.

Kata: MOLLY AND HEROIN… LOST CLOSE FAMILY MAY 2010. CRYING IN CLASS, IRRITABLE.

Pilot Dude: “I’M DIFFERENT NOW” THOUGHTS… EMOTIONS… FEELINGS….. HERE BECAUSE OF DRINKING AT BAR AND THEN DROVE HOME. “IT HELPS TO GIVE BACK” HE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO STARTED A KID ON HEROIN WHEN HE WAS 8… LIKE, CAN’T GO BACK NOW. BORN IN IDAHO FALLS. LIKED TO BREAK RULES TO GET KICKS. MOM SPLIT DAD. MOM REMARRIED NEXT MONTH. D.A.R.E IN 4TH GRADE DRUG ABUSE RESEARCH STAFF. 8TH GRADE- SMOKED WEED STEMS. STOLE WEED FROM BROTHER. DRANK IN 8TH GRADE. PARTY ON WEEKENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. COLLEGE HAD 3 DAY WEEKENDS FRI,SAT,SUN TO PARTY. GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH CIVIL ENGINEER DEGREE AND DIDN’TLIKE IT. WAS A STUPID COLLEGE KID AND POINTED TO A RANDOM MAJOR. NOW IN POCATELLO. ADDICTED TO ADDREALL. AMBIAN AND ADDERALL. USED DOCTORS TO GET THIS DRUG. HIS EX WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. EVERY NIGHT HE HAD PILLS. PILOT…. MONDAY-THURSDAY CLEANED HIS SYSTEM. FINISHED AND BECAME FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR. MET GIRLFRIEND WHERE HE DID PILLS AND ALCOHOL WITH HER EVERYDAY. GOT PANCREATITIS. BODY SHUT DOWN AND HE HAD NO WATER FOR 2 DAYS. BOWLING BALL HEAD ON FLOOR GASPING FOR AIR. NAPROXEN. OXYS – TOOK BECAUSE FELT GOOD. AFTER HAVING PANCREATITIS HE FELT SO WRONG LIKE HE HAD DECIEVED HIMSELF. NOW HE WAS ON OPIATES AND GHBS INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL. GOT FREE OXYS FROM THE DOCTOR. BENZOS AS WELL. COULD NO LONGER PAY RENT. OXY WITHDRAWALS FROM STREET OXYS. HE HAD ON HIM 50 G OF OXYS – 6 MONTHS WORTH ABOUT 800$$$ WORTH BUT COULD SELL ON STREET FOR 50,000-100,000$. 50X STRONGER THAN HEROIN. STARTED GETTING SEIZURES. 2 YEARS HE WAS IN PERSONAL TRAINING. SOLD TO PAY SOME RENT. POLICE KNOCKED WHILE HE WAS HITTING FENTANYL AND HE HAD A CLOSE CALL.. GOT NORCOS FROM DOCTORS FOR “BACK PAIN.” HE HAD A MONTH LONG MENTAL TREATMENT IN MISSISSIPPI. AND COPS CALLED ON HIM FOR BEING DRUNK IN PUBLIC, SENT TO PSYCH WARD FOR 5 DAYS. HE THOUGHT HE MAY JUST MOVE TO MEXICO. HIS MOM SAVED HIM AND HE STAYS ALIVE FOR HIS MOTHER.

Aleisha: DRUG OF CHOICE. HEROIN. WORKS LONG HOURS AND IS VERY TIRED.

Dakota: USES SKILLS FROM CLASS, BREATHING EXERCISES.

Nicole: “MENTAL HEALTH COURT IS RUNNING MY LIFE. I PEE IN A CUP EVERY MORNING”

SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS “COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS” THE LEFT SIDE WINS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STEAL IN ORDER TO GET METHAMPETAMINES.

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, NOT WORSE. SOMETIMES, WE DON’T DO SO GOOD. LEARN HOW TO EFFECTIVELY MAKE REQUESTS AND EFFECTIVELY KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO. MAINTAIN BALANCE AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

SOME MAY TAKE BEING NICE FOR WEAKNESS AND OVERPOWER YOU. SOME ARE MORE EMOTIONAL WHILST OTHERS DON’T GET UPSET.

MYTHS – OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS IF I ASK FOR SOMETHING OR SAY NO, I CAN’T STAND IT IF SOMEONE GETS UPSET WITH ME. I MUST BE REALLY INADEQUATE IF I CAN’T FIX THIS MYSELF. IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I WANT OR NEED IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY (APATHY) IF I TRY TO ASK FOR HELP I WILL BE A BURDEN. PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY WHO ASK FOR FAVORS ARE LEECHES.

“I CAN PROBABLY GO WITHOUT.”

MY NEEDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. SAYING NO IS PUTTING UP A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.

THE PROBLEM IS JUST IN MY HEAD I SHOULDN’T BOTHER OTHERS. CHALLENGE: OTHER PEOPLE ARE CARING – YOU CAN ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I NEED IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY. CHALLENGE: I CARE SO MUCH THAT I GET WHAT ASSISTANCE I NEED.

OTHERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PUT MORE WORK IN ME. I DON’T NEED SUPPORT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EXPECT IT. “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.” “GIVE RESPECT, GET RESPECT.” TREAT OTHERS HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED. IT’S OK TO BE SKEPTICAL. THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. OTHERS AROUND YOU MAY FEEL BAD FOR YOU OR THEY MAY BE SELF-CENTERED OR AGAINST YOU. MY DECISIONS EFFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME. TRY NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

THE WHEEL – RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUGS USE: Not a habit MISUSE: Taking at a higher dose for high rather than i.e. pain ABUSE: When it is harmful for your health and others ADDICTION: Takes over life, need it all the time DEPENDENCE: Necessary to need it in order to feel normal

INTRODUCTION: Try EXPERIMENTAL: Use more, take note on effects, see how it feels/if you like BENEFICIAL: If you like it is good for a short time. I.E. You are happy.. for a short-term. ABUSIVE: Continued use leads to damage in long-term POINT OF NO RETURN!!! DEPENDENT TOXIC FATAL EMOTIONAL REGULATION PT.1:

UNDERSTAND AND NAME YOUR OWN EMOTIONS!! RELAPSE OK TO FEEL EMOTIONS OF FEELING LIKE A BIRDIE

WHY SHOULD WE DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? “SO I DON’T BLOW UP, UP THE SPINE”

IDENTIFY AND DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTION. REGULAR EMPTINESS KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS DO FOR YOU. HURT YOU

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE SPEAK MORE LOGICALLY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE GRIEF/SHAME/SPIRAL DOWN TOILET

DECREASE THE FREQUENCY OF UNWANTED EMOTIONS: BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. OH POOR ME. GLOOM AND DOOM. GOD DAMNIT. DECREASE EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY DECREASE VULNERABILITY TO EMOTIONAL MIND. BE ABOVE IT. UNAFFECTIVE. GOD DAMNIT.

RED 4 LOKOS, THE DRUNKEN STEREOTYPE. HAND SANITIZER SMELLS LIKE VODKA. THINKING OF FUTURE MANAGE EMOTIONS WITH ALCOHOL.

DECREASE EMOTIONAL SUFFERING MUSICAL CHAIRS “I THINK THE OCEAN SMELLS GOOD” KEEP WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS

EMOTIONS MOTIVATE US TO ACTION FIGHT OR FLIGHT HARDWIRED IN BIOLOGY -> GENETIC

DIDN’T KNOW THE SUN WAS IN THEIR WAY “FINE.” WAITING IN LINE - “YOU LOOK MAD, DUDE” WAITING..HUNGRY..ANTICIPATION LADY MOVES BECAUSE THINKS HE WILL STEAL.. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUFF” “ON A MISSION” REJECTION

AN EMOTION.. I AM TIRED SO I CANNOT MOVE. EMOTIONS ARE RED FLAGS “INTUITION IS WHEN GOD TALKS TO YOU.”

PT.2

-ANGER- AGITATION ANNOYANCE BITTERNESS FRUSTRATION INDIGNATION IRRITATION WRATH

EVENTS THAT TRIGGER ANGER +TREATED UNFAIRLY +GOALS BEING BLOCKED +THINGS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN THEY ARE +NOT HAVING THINGS TURN OUT AS EXPECTED AFTEREFFECTS +DEPERSONALIZATION, DISSOCIATIVE EXPERIENCES, NUMBNESS

-DISGUST- ANTIPATHY? HATE

PROMPTING EVENTS +BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON’T WANT +BEING FORCED TO ENGAGE IN OR WATCH UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTANT

INTERPRETATION +SWALLOWING SOMETHING TOXIC +YOUR MIND IS BEING CONTAMINATED

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +VOMMITING +FEELING DIRTY

EXPRESSIONS +VOMITING

-ENVY- DOWNHEARTED

INTERPRETATION +HAVE SUCH A BAD LOT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE, HAVE BAD LUCK OR BE HURT +FEELING OF PLEASURE WHEN OTHERS EXPERIENCE FAILURE OR LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE +I LOVE WHEN OTHERS GET HURT

ACTIONS +TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION

AFTERAFFECTS +ATTENDING TO WHAT OTHERS HAVE

-FEAR- APPREHENSION DREAD HORROR HYSTERIA? SHOCK

PROMPTING EVENTS +HAVING YOUR WELL-BEING THREATENED

INTERPRETATION +YOU MIGHT BE HARMED

-HAPPINESS- ECSTASY

PROMPTING EVENTS +NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +FEELING AT PEACE +CAN DENY HAPPINESS

EXPRESSIONS +SILLINESS

AFTERAFFECTS +FEELING JOYFUL IN FUTURE

-SHAME- +SAYING YOU ARE SORRY OVER AND OVER +DISTRACTING +WHY EMOTE WHEN YOU CAN DEMOTE?

-GUILT- +DON’T HAVE TO HOLD ANGER +3-DAY ANGER STRIKE +WALLOW IN IT

EXPRESSIONS +ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS “FORGIVE ME, FATHER.”

AFTEREFFECTS +DO NO HARM

“USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS WAS A THINKING ERROR IN MY BEHAVIOR.” STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I DO WISE MIND IS EFFECTFUL FOR THINKING/ACTING NO MATTER WHAT THOSE ONES THINK TRY TO REACT IN A POSITIVE WAY BE PATIENT

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? ARROGANT INNOCENT LOADED PAINED -DIRTY -SICK

FEELINGS: CHOKED UP, ILL AT EASE INJURED, PAINED, SUFFERING, ACHING, TORTURED INFLAMED WEAK, WEARY

DEFINITION REMORSEFUL: DEEP AND PAINFUL REGRET FOR A WRONGDOING. PEACEFUL, POWERFUL, JOYFUL – SUBSETS OF FEELING WHEEL I CROSSED OUT AND SAYS I AM NEVER TO FEEL AGAIN. THINGS I CANT FEEL. “YOUR EMOTIONS WERE NOT YOUR CHOICE – A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION DICTATING THEM”

PT.3 BUILD MASTERY AND COPE AHEAD

DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE Q’ARAN DOUAJ ARABIC FOR WEALTH

STAYING SOBER TODAY IS BEING PRODUCTIVE SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND.. A BIG WHIRL GRIN & BEAR IT, WAIT IT OUT HOW A SUICIDE HAS TO MENTALLY PREPARE FOR YEARS BEFORE COMPLETING.

TAKE CARE OF MIND BY TAKING CARE OF BODY P L 1.TREAT PHYSICAL ILLNESS E 2. BALANCE EATING (FOODS CAN MAKE YOU OVERLY EMOTIONAL. EMPTY FLUFF. FASTING) A 3. AVOID MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES (XTC,MOLLY,HEROIN,GHB,COCAINE,LSD,MUSHROOMS) S 4. BALANCE SLEEP (HOUR A NIGHT – BUDDHIST MONKS) E 5. GET EXERCISE

OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS “WALLOW IN THE DEB-WAVE” WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THIS? PAIN 20-30 MINUTE EPISODES AUG 16, 2008… GIRLS MOM WENT MISING ANGER – CONSUMING

LOVE YOUR EMOTIONS “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”

WHAT EMOTION DOES THE LORD FEEL? SUPREME.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS -EAT YOUR EMOTIONS

MANAGING EXTREME EMOTIONS BOUGHT A HOUSE AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A BEAUTIFUL LAWN HE HAD A DANDELION PROBLEM SO HE BOUGHT A GARDENING BOOK AND WROTE THE AGRICULTURAL UNIT

HER HUSBAND LEFT HER. MAYBE HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.

COOK WITH GARLIC AND ONIONS.

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IN RECOVERY 1. DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS MORE THAN OTHERS - ANGER, RECKLESS ABANDONMENT OTHERS: MOODY, QUESTIONING, ANXIOUS OTHERS: ANGER, IMPATIENT, CANT RELATE, TENSE, WRATHFUL, FURIOUS, EMPTY

2. WHAT ARE THE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS YOU TRY TO AVOID? -SHAME, PAIN (CHAMPAGNE) OTHERS: BEING ISOLATED, BEING INSECURE, UNWANTED

3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS? -TALK TO MYSELF, TALK TO OTHERS ON CHATROOMS, SOMETIMES I CRY, I WRITE MUSIC/SHORT STORIES OTHERS: USED TO KEEP TO SELF, NOW TALKS MORE OTHERS: BOTTLE UP

4. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS -MY POSITIVE FEELINGS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR OTHERS: YES, USUALLYEXPRESSES NEGATIVE FEELINGS – HARSH TO DAUGHTER OTHERS: YES, MORE FREQUENT AND OVERPOWER POSITIVE

5. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESING POSITIVE FEELINGS? -MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS RECEIVE TIME OTHERS: IT’S WORK TO EXPRESS NEW SORTS OF THINKING OTHERS: NO

6. WHICH FEELING OR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RELAPSE IN FUTURE -HAPPINESS THAT IS ONLY POSSIBLE DUE TO DRUG INDUCEMENT OTHERS: INSECURITY, FEELING UNWANTED OTHERS: ANGER, ISOLATE, EMPTY, STUBBORN

7. POSITIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS - COUNSELORS, ETC = OTHERS: SELF-TALK, DON’T KEEP FEELINGS BOTTLED, SOMETIMES I CATASTROPHIZE OTHERS: DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME. LISTEN AND CAN’T JUMP.

8. WHO CAN YOU TALK TO IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED? - FRIENDS ON CHAT ROOM, MYSELF OTHERS: COUNSELOR, RELAPSE COUCH, SELF-TALK OTHERS: SISTERS, MOM, BOYFRIEND, DAUGHTERS

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

DESCRIBE COP ARREST EXPRESS FEAR FOR LIFE ASSERT “USE YOURS” REINFORCE ..I CAN’T PAY THIS.. (STAY) MINDFUL I DESERVED THIS APPEAR CONFIDENT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG – YOU WILL PAY

CAN’T CONTROL HOW WE’VE BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH SHIT ORANGES TO APPLES – CANT COMPARE SITUATIONALLY SOMETIMES YOU DON’T OWE AN EXPLANATION BE ASSERTIVE. “HEY I OWE YOU 100$, BUT I ONLY GOT 20$.” “WELL IT’S A TOSS (LOSE-LOSE) BECAUSE I NEED THE 100$ NOW. INCREMENTAL PAYMENTS WON’T CUT IT.”

APPLYING DEAR MAN SKILLS TO CURRENT INTERACTION A GOOD RX, A CONVICT,” WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW IF I USE NOW?” HAVE TO USE MORE TO GET THE SAME EFFECT. ODEN WORLD. TREE. 9 DAYS. 9 NOBLE VERSES. HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED CAN ONLY BE STOPPED BY INTERVENTION EMBARASSED -> MAD -> STUPID ADDICTION IN KRONIC IT CANNOT BE CHANGED NOT USE BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE NONE. NONE AT P.O.’S OFFICE. CRAVINGS AROUND MOTHER – SOBER 4 HIS MOTHER “WHEN A CRAVING HITS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS OUT DOOR.” ALL SYSTEMS GO LOSS OF PURPOSE ASKS FOR A SIGN FROM GOD WANTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON USING MORE THAN NECESSARY TOOK A SPOON TO SHOW AND TELL (DAUGHTERS) ON ACCIDENT 12 STEPS – WHITE BISON, CELEBRATE RECOVERY… ALLUMBAUGH (HELPFUL BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCE)… SMART RECOVERY *PURE WELLNESS* RED HOUSE. BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETERRATION. CAN’T GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER – IS CONTROLLING ME!! ADDICTION PRIMARY DISEASE – LOST POWER OF CONTROL DO NOT SCHEDULE IF YOU ARE USING BECAUSE SCHEDULING IS STRUCTURE LEARN ORGANIZATION BRING SCHEDULE BOOK TO SOCIAL WORKER A.A. -> N.A. -> C.A (COCAINE ANONYMOUS) -> 7’O CLOCK -RED HOUSE- *WAR STORIES*

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

ACTIVITIES! CONTRIBUTING! COMPARISONS! PUSHING AWAY! THOUGHTS! SENSATIONS! CONSIDER LAST YEAR MAYBE YOU WERE IN JAIL. NOW AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL. PUERTO RICO HURRICANE COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS LESS FORTUNATE “BOO-HOO” EDUCATE YOURELF, LISTEN TO “THE BLUES” LISTEN TO EMOTIONAL MUSIC THAT CREATES DIFFERENT EMOTIONS LEAVE THE SITUATION MENTALLY BUILD AN IMAGINARY WALL WITH IMAGINARY SOLDIERS PUT THE PAIN IN A BOX ON A SHELF YELL: NO! A PILL BOTTLE WITHOUT A LABEL? LET IT BE. COUNT CARDS “AS AN IMPATIENT, I WOULD COUNT THE TILES ON THE CEILING” SELF-SOOTHING: VISION, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH IMPROVING THE MOMENT: IMAGERY, MEANING, PRAYER, RELAXING, ONE THING AT A TIME, VACATION, ENCOURAGEMENT

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.2

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE “ACCEPTING THE WAY YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT.” ACCEPTING THE SITUATION WITHOUT BEING BITTER DO NOT THROW A TANTRUM WITHOUT RESPONDING WITH WILLFULNESS INEFFECTIVITY “WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT” CONSTANT PAIN LEARNING EXPERIENCES – LEARNING TO LIVE THROUGH PAINFUL TIMES SOME PEOPLE HATE MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS AND DIDN’T ASK NOR DESERVE IT COPE, REDUCE, FIND BALANCE ACCEPT REALITY!! THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE! ………..IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT REALITY…… YOU WILL GO BACK INTO HELL………. *INSERT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE’S FACE HERE WITH A MENACING TONE MEANT TO INDUCE TORTURE TO INNNOCENT SOULS* “WE’RE ALL SHEEP AND THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD” “ADDICTION IS DRIVING YOUR BEHAVIOR!” CAN BE MUCH WIDER THAN NARROWED EXAMPLES GENE FOR ADDICTION --DENY COMPLIANCE- CONTINUE USE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.-- OR DISCONTINUE USE FOREVER, BE THE SHEEP INSTEAD OF THE HERDER! --BELIEVE THIS IS REAL AND THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER MAN-KIND SUPPOSEDLY DOCUMENTARIES ON POLICE CONTROL, SHEEPLE, PROHIBITION, WAR STORIES, POLICE INTERFERENCE, COPS, RENO 911. GHANDI/CONFUSCIOUS/BUDDHA – GOOD POLICE/MILITARY – BLECK

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.3 TURNING BAD STUFF INTO GOOD ENERGY - SUBLIMATION ALTERNATE REBELLION WHEN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, TRY ALTERNATE REBELLION WHICH IS A WAY TO DO SOMETHING INSANE BUT WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS - SHAVE YOUR HEAD …..GIRLS ALL CAME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, FOO FOO GIRLS URGE TO DROP ACID… REGULARE FOLK – GO DO IT! CONTROLLED FOLK – HYSTERIA, OMG, I CAN’T EVEN. HUH.

ADAPTIVE DENIAL REFRAME YOUR CRAVINGS. COOKIES – WHEN I WANT A COOKIE, THINK THAT YOU WANT AN APPLE INSTEAD WHEN I FEEL URGE TO SMOKE A TOBACCO, LIFT WEIGHTS INSTEAD ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE OF SUICIDIAL PEOPLE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE DYING, SLIT WRISTS INSTEAD GET URGES TO DRIVE BUT SAY, YOU CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT

*POP SELF WITH RUBBER BAND* *SQUISH BALL* *GONNA DEFEND MYSELF…. BASEBALL BAT…. BOTTLE TO CRACK… BREAK THINGS* SELF-CONTROL… SLEEP-DEPRIVATION…… CRY “GO FOR A WALK AT 6 AM AND THAT IS COOL” – A PUN.. “I LIKE SUN ON MY BONES”

BURNING BRIDGES SLAM THE GARAGE DOOR OF ABSTINENCE SHUT LIST EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ADDICTION POSSIBLE AND GET RID OF IT… -GET RID OF MY WHOLE SELF- “I AM A BONG” LIST AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT USE -STAYING ALIVE- WAS HOLDING ONTO FRIEND’S MONEY…. “I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER”.. CODEPENDENCY TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE QUIT!! BUILDING NEW BRIDGES SMELLS TO THINK ABOUT – MY COLOGNE I LIKE NOTHING “RECOVERY HAS SHOWN ME THAT I CAN BREAK THE PATTERN” – URGE TO DRINK BREATHING PHILANTHROPY! EMOTIONAL REGULATION DISTRESS BUTTON WHAT WILL I TAKE AWAY FROM IT “I COULDN’T CHANGE INTO THE SPIRAL” “DO YOUR BEST TO STAY OPEN-MINDED” “I CAN STAY SOBER” FIND THE MAGIC MOMENT – “BACK TO THE TRACKS I GO”

EMOTIONS – POWER – ANGER – “WHY ME?” ->->-> DISTRESS “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE UNCONTROLLABLE OR WE COULD SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONTROLLABLE” TRYING TO CHANGE A BEHAVIOR LAWS APPLICABLE TO THE DEAD DON’T PERTAIN TO ME

WILLINGNESS WILLINGNESS IS ACTING WITH AWARENESS THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE UNIVERSE DOING JUST WHAT IS NEED – GETTING HERE AND SHOWING UP TO GROUP WILLINGNESS VS WILLFULNESS WILLFULLNESS IS WRECKLESS DEFIANCE FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE A DRUG DEALER THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE, BUT YOU DON’T WILFULLNESS IS “I WILL NOT TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH MEDICATION” IT IS NOT CARING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES AND IT IS NOT RATIONAL WILLINGNESS IS: “I AM WILLING TO OBEY THE LAW!!” WILLFUL: MY KIDS CAN NOT BE INDEPENDENT THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT “I WENT TO A MEETING AND SOME BORING OLD HAG WAS TELLING HER LIFE STORY. I LEFT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE STORY…. I WANTED TO HAVE A GROUP DISCUSSION!!” SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLFULNESS: FEEL IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE --NOT DOING MY CHORES-- SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLINGNESS: GO ANYWAY AND TRY TO…. SEE A ‘CHANGE’?? ‘FOR BETTER OR WORSE??’ REFUSE TO TOLERATE WILLFULLNESS

“SOME PEOPLE WITH SET TESTING WILL DRINK AROUND THE TESTS. I WAS AT THE STORE AND REALLY WANTED TO GRAB A CASE TO GET DRUNK WITH MY GIRL”

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS: I AM FEELING STRESS, ANXIETY DON’T ACT ON THOUGHTS =) ANXIETY ATTACKS – MEDICATION – SHOWER – COFFEE ADOPT A CURIOUS MIND CRACK DREAMS – DREAMS OF SMOKING CRACK “YES, I AM AN ADDICT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO GO USE TODAY” “LIKE, OH, I MIGHT GO MURDER SOMEONE..” GETTING HIGH TO EAT COOKIES MIND LIKE A TEFLON PAN, SHIT GETS ON THE PAN BUT WILL EASILY GET OFF TREES HAVE STRONG HEAVY ROOT SYSTEMS THERE IS WEED KILLER DON’T WASTE DAY ON SHITTY SHIT

CATASTROPHIC THINKING IS “EMOTION MIND”

-CONTROL- -ROBOTISIZE- -HEAP PEOPLE INTO ORGANIZATION- -DON’T LET THEM OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED THEM- -BLACK/WHITE ROBOTIC, ALL OF THE SAME- -SAME ACTIONS, SAME SPEECH, SAME THOUGHTS- -IN UNIFORM IN LINES FOLLOWING A LEADER- -IDENTICAL- -NO SPONTANEITY OF ACTION OR EMOTION- -MAKE SURE THEIR DOPAMINE, GLYCERIDES AND TRIGLYERIDES ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME, IN ORDER- MONO UNIVERZ: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE. MISSION CONTROL UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN’S CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM IF YOU CANNOT HAVE HAPPINESS CONTROLLED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAD, BUT IF YOU ALREADY HATE YOURSELF THEN USING DRUGS COULDN’T BE TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY A SAD SACK OF EMPTY FLESH. LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE. LIMBIC: EMOTION, MEMORY, MOTIVATION, AND OTHER FUNCTIONS CRITICAL TO SURVIVAL. INCLUDES HIPPOCAMPUS, (MEMORY), AMYGDALA (FEAR/EMOTIONS), VENTRAL STRATIUM (REWARD), HYPOTHALAMUS (APPETITE, THIRST, BODY TEMPERATURE), AND PARTS OF THE CORTEX! CEREBRAL CORTEX: AWARENESS, ATTENTION TO SURROUNDINGS, ABILITY TO THINK, SOLVE PROBLEMS, PLAN AND MAKE DECISIONS! CEREBELLUM: CONTROL, COORDINATION, MUSCLES AND BALANCE, POSTURE! BRAIN STEM: BASIC FUNCTIONS, BREATHING, SLEEPING, HEART RATE! THE LIMBIC SYSTEM , THE PLEASURE CENTER THAT BRINGS YOU JOY FROM DRUGS

ABUSING SEDATIVES AND PAINKILLERS CAN SLOW BREATING PARTS OF BRAIN AFFECTED OVER TIME WITH DRUG USE: AMYGDALA, CEREBELLUM STEROIDS AND METH CAN LEAD TO AGGRESSION MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL CAN AFFECT MOVEMENT AND COORDINATION COMBINING SEDATIVES WITH ALCOHOL CAN SLOW HEART RATE MARIJUANA IMPAIRS THE ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY! CEREBRAL CORTEX DOESN’T FULLY DEVELOP UNTIL A PERSON IS ABOUT 25. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR TEEN TO KNOW TO AVOID DRUGS? BECAUSE THEY WISH TO USE THEIR BRAINS FOR THEIR FUTURE LIVES CHICKS WILL DIG THEM. THEY WILL MAKE BABIES AND MONEY. AHH, WITHOUT BRAIN USE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CHICK AND THAT WILL MEAN NO BABY AND NO MONEYS =( PLUS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT BABIES OR ANY CHICKS, YOU WILL STILL NEED YOUR BRAIN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS (E.G. PROZAC)

DRUG KILL NUERONS BUT YOU CAN GROW BACK BRAIN CELLS OVER TIME WITH SOBRIETY.

THE MIND IS AN OVERGROWN JUNGLE STFU AND DEAL GANGLI CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVITY TOUGHIE B/C HE DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT FORGE NEW PATHS --YOU CANNOT DO DRUGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST STAY IN HIDING-- “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?” ONE BEER WON’T HURT YOU! BUT PAUSED BEFORE TWO. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE WENT TO A.A. --WHAT IS A WORD FOR NONCOMPLIANCE TO A POLICE – A SEPARATE CHARGE?? “RESISTING ARREST.”-- WOMAN IN JAIL’S HEROIN CHARGE… DROPPED FROM DISTUBUTING LOADS OF HEROIN TO CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. ALIEN IMMIGRANTS

TRIGGERS DENIAL, BOREDOM, LONELINESS RELAPSE JUSTIFICATION -> “I’LL JUST TAKE ONE”, A MINIMIZING STATEMENT SWAP SUBSTANCES AIDS IN RELAPSE “IF YOU BEEN IN TROUBLE 2X THEN YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE IN TROUBLE A THIRD TIME” ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT RECOVERY I DON’T THINK STAFF CAN HELP I DON’T TRUST THE STAFF “THE WORLD AROUND US IS CHANGING” HAVE AN EXIT PLAN: WOULD ALWAYS DRIVE AFTER DRINKING, SO STARTED CALLING SISTER CALL SOMEONE TO HELP

IT GETS WORSE AND WORSE THE MORE YOU RELAPSE YOU HAVE COME SO FAR AND DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER FEMALE HOMES: THE RISING SUN, WHITE SUN ACTIVE RECOVERY AIDS IN REDISCOVERING OURSELVES HE WOULD PUT ALL HIS DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE WAS RAIDED DO NOT CHOOSE TO THINK OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL TRIGGERS…. THOUGHT LEADS TO USE. PAUSE AND STOP THOUGHTS RELAXATION…CRAVINGS..CRAMPING….BREATHING

EMOTIONAL MIND AND RATIONAL MIND ARE AT A “CONSTANT TUG-A-WAR” WORKING ON ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE “IT IS IN THE DRUG DEALER’S BEST INTEREST THAT YOU USE.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? UNDERSTANDING HOW SOMEONE FEELS USING NO BLAME GAMES. VALIDATING SOMEONE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHY SOME STEADY NERVES WITH ALCOHOL – “LIKE A SURGEON” DBT IS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO THINK DIFFERENTLY DBT SKILLS LIST MINDFULLNESS: OBSERVE, DESCRIBE, PARTICIPATE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE, ONE-MINDFULLY, EFFECTIVELY DISTRESS TOLERANCE, CRISIS SURVIVAL: WISE MIND ACCEPTS, SELF-SOOTHE, IMPROVE THE MOMENT, HALF-SMILE, CREATIVE OUTLET ACCEPTING REALITY SKILLS: PROS/CONS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, TURN THE MIND, WILLINGNESS PLEASE, BUILD MASTERY, JUST ACT, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT, BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES, OPPOSITE TO EMOTION, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS: ATTEND TO RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, DEAR MAN, FAST --THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHIRST-- STOPPED AND LISTENED AND DIDN’T THINK ON WHAT NEEDED TO SAY NEXT DON’T TAKE THINGS NEGATIVELY AND DON’T REACT ON THINGS

700,000 YEARS OF WILLFUL LAWLESSNESS --BLANK RESUME—WALKING, TALKING, COMMUNICATING ARE SOFT SKILLS… BEING PERSONAL, BEING POLITE, SMILING WISE MIND BRINGS LEFT BRAIN AND RIGHT BRAIN TOGETHER – THE MIDDLE PATH REASONABLE MIND IS COOL AND RATIONAL, TASK FOCUSED EMOTION MIND IS HOT, MOOD-DEPENDENT AND EMOTION-FOCUSED ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION TO BEING HURT PAINFUL EMOTIONS CAN CAUSE YOU TO JUMP THE GUN AND JUMP INTO DRUGS USE FOR BAD FEELINGS LINEHAN AND LACKING AN EMOTIONAL SKIN LIKENING IT TO A BURN VICTIM WHO FEELS PAIN AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH OVER TIME OF BEING CRITISIZED ON THEIR EMOTIONS THEY SHOULD BEGAN TOFEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT VALID, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THEY ARE OR THEY ARE JUST OVER-REACTING THEY WILL REJECT OR PUNISH THEMSELVES

ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY IN ORDER TO GET OVER A ROADBLOCK YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT ATTITUDES -I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF --WHO WOULD WANT TO CHANGE ME??-- -I DON’T LIKE TAKING MEDICATIONS PERSONALITY -I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO ANYONE -I DON’T LIKE TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY FIGURES LIFESTYLE -MY LIFESTYLE CENTERS AROUND GETTING OR USING CHEMICALS -MY LIFE IS A DRAG AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO THAT IS REWARDING OR FUN OTHER -FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES -FEEL I’M IN A BAD SITUATION AND WILL ONLY PUT ME IN A MORE PESSIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND

WAYS TO OVERCOME ROADBLOCKS #1: I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: HIDE MYSELF FROM OTHERS. DON’T MAKE A NUISANCE, LEAVE HOME AND REMAIN AN ANONYMOUS INVISIBLE BEING.. CHANGE MY NAME AND DISOWN MY GUARDIANS.. “DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.” MAYBE THEY CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES OTHER THAN ME AND MY DEAL AND FORGET ME AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN MYSELF. #2: I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: MY FREEDOMS ARE STRIPPED. I CANNOT LEAVE HOME. MY GOALS/PLANS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DOING THESE PROGRAMS. WHICH IS WHY I CONTINUOUSLY ASK WHO/WHAT I AM DOING TREATMENT FOR. WHEN I DO NOT STUDY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF. WHICH IS WHY I SAY I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. IT APPEARS I FEEL OVERCONTROLLED, LIKE A RAT IN A CAGE WITH NO FREEDOMS. I MAY NOT BE HUMAN ANYMORE MORE LIKE A BREATHING ZOMBIE. THROUGH TREATMENT I HAVE FELT IT GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY STUDYING AND HOBBIES. I DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR SYSTEMS/WAY OF LIFE. I WANT NO PLACE IN THEIR TOWN.

ADDICTION/RECOVERING YOUR HONESTY. LIES: I LIED TO ATTORNEY/P.O. EXAMPLE: I TOLD THEM I WASN’T DRIVING WHEN THEY ARRESTED ME. I WAS ARRESTED WHEN I WAS PULLED OVER/PARKED AND NOT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN’T START DRINKING UNTIL WELL AFTER I WAS PARKED, BECAUSE MY CAR RAN OUT OF GAS. I HAD THE BEER, OPENED IT WAS WAITING ON MY RIDE BUT IT WAS A COLD NIGHT AND NEEDED A DRINK TO WARM ME UP AMIDST THE WAIT. SHE SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I WASN’T DRIVING, IF I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION AND WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, THEY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WEREN’T PREVIOUSLY DRIVING OR ABOUT TO DRIVE. WELL, TRUTHFULLY, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE BECAUSE I WAS ALL OUT OF GASOLINE AND MY CAR WOULDN’T EVEN START, LET ALONE DRIVE. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND TO HAVE MY HAZARD SIGNALS ON BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T BLINK WITHOUT KEY IN IGNITION. BUT I LIED SAYING I WASN’T DRIVING AFTER DRINKING BECAUSE I HADN’T STARTED UNTIL AFTER I PARKED. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD BEEN DRIVING AFTER DRINKING, BUT I HAD NOT DRANK IN TWO HOURS AND HAD ONLY DRUNK ROUGHLY 2 BEERS. I THOUGHT I COULD FIGHT AGAINST MY CHARGES WITH THE EVIDENCE THAT THE POLICE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ME DRIVING AND THEY HAD NO WAY TO TELL WHEN I HAD DRANK. I DIDN’T FIGHT IT BECAUSE I WAS YOUNG AND SCARED AND FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE ON MY SIDE IF THEY SAW ME, BEING A LESBIAN AND ALL. I KNEW MOST OF THE JURY WOULD PROBABLY BE DESCRIMANATORY, JUDGEMENTAL FOLK SO I DID NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT MY FIRST DUI CHARGE. I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY A SECOND TIME. OBVIOUSLY THE POLICE DIDN’T CARE. I WAS GRABBED AND SHOVED IN THEIR CAR. IT DID NOT LOWER MY FINES OR LESSEN MY CONSEQUENCES TO TELL THE ATTORNEY AND MY P.O. I WASN’T DRINKING BEFORE I WAS PARKED. THEN AGAIN, I DID NOT KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SO DREADFUL OR I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY WENT TO TRIAL TO FIGHT THE CHARGE, OTHERWISE JUST TOO NAÏVE AND YOUNG TO GO TO TRIAL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO JAIL SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. NOW I JUST PAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

*SOME WILL LIE TO MAKE YOUR DRUG USE NOT SEEM AS BAD AS IT IS. SOME LIE TO LOVED ONE OR SPOUSES SAYING THEY ARE NOT ‘USING.’

OTHER LIES I HAVE LIED TO MY SCHOOL. I HAVE TOLD THEM I WAS SICK ALTHOUGH I WAS JUST TRUANT.. BUT I DIDN’T CARE IF I GRADUATED. I HAVE LIED TO MY FAMILY… I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I LOVE THEM

EXAMPLES OF MY SNEAKY, DISHONEST BEHAVIOR I WOULD USE MARIJUANA FREQUENTLY. I WOULD SPEND MONEY MY MOM WOULD GIVE ME ON WEED, WHICH I ACTUALLY FOUND OUT IS A TYPE OF FINANCIAL ABUSE. I HAD DONE THIS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE WOULD GIVE ME LUNCH MONEY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING LUNCH, I WOULD BUY WEED. I WAS IN DESPERATION BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND A JOB AND MARIJUANA WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME LESS DOWN IN THE DUMPS, SO I HAD A NICE ROUTINE OF BORROWING MONEY AND LIGHTING UP SO I COULD FEEL LESS LIKE TRASH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS NEVER VERY WELL OFF AND DID NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY TO BE USING ON MY DRUG USE. I JUST REMEMBER BEING A GIRL AND THINKING SHE WAS SO RICH AND SMART THAT SHE HAD PLENTY AND ME ASKING FOR SOME EVERY SO OFTEN REALLY WOULDN’T HURT HER FINANCES. I WOULD SAY “WELL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB CONSTANTLY, BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. I AM GETTING LUNCH. HOW COULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE OFF 10$ A DAY? SO I’D RECEIVE MORE MOSTLY IN 5$ INCREMENTS UNTIL I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR A 10$ SACK AND A HALF TANK OF GAS. THE TEN SACK WAS ABOUT A GRAM AND WOULD LAST ME 2-3 DAYS. I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 4 YEARS. DISABILITY I HAD APPLIED TO 2X, LAST IN APRIL OF 2017, THEY WOULD NOT ACCEPT ME. IT WAS ALWAYS, “YOU’RE NOT DISABLED ENOUGH OR YOU HAVEN’T WORKED ENOUGH TO RECEIVE ANY BENEFITS.” I GUESS, I PUT ON A GOOD ACT WHEN I GO TO THE DISABILITY OFFICE TO APPEAR NOT DISABLED ENOUGH. I NEVER FOUND THAT FAIR BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE RECEIVING DISABILITY AND I GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK TO GIVE BENEFITS TO JUST ONE MORE. SO I HAVE RECENT GOTTEN WORK AND AM GIVING MONEY BACK YO MY MOM. SHE MUST HAVE LOANED ME A COUPLE THOUSAND FOR DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAS MONEY. I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER ALL OF THAT BACK AND PAY OFF HER CAR. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING: HAD TO SERVE 2 YEARS PROBATION 15 DAYS IN JAIL PAY FINES OF 7,000$+

IMPACT OF YOUR DISHONESTY: I HAVE HURT THE SHADOW MAN. I HAVE UNDERMINED HIS MANHOOD AND DEMANNED HIM TO MAKE HIM ANGRY WITH ME.

HOW YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF: BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING AND DRIVING I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE FOR 1 YEAR AND 7 MONTHS. I USED TO WALK TO LEAVE BUT THEN I ANGERED THE SHADOW MAN AND HE HURT ME SO I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE MY HOME. I WILL MOSTLY ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER.

FEELINGS THAT OCCURRED BECAUSE OF YOUR DISHONESTY: RATHER BY ALONE, WANT TO RUN AWAY…. SO I WOULD ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER AND CRY

POSITIVE EFFECTS FROM TAKING THE RISK TO BE HONEST: I CAN LEAVE THE PLACE I AM HELD HOSTAGE IN, RUN FROM THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT BE PUT IN HARMS WAY EVER AGAIN.

HOW TO BE MORE REAL WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE: I DON’T HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

DEVELOP A GOAL FOR IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO BE HONEST IN RECOVERY. DEVELOP A PLAN TO BE MORE AND MORE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS: STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY GET OUT OF HARMS WAY

DENIAL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE MAY CAUSE YOU TO NOT SEE THINGS THE WAYS OTHERS SEE THEM. NOT NOTICE THEY ARE WRECKING HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE. MAY NOT SEE THEIR USE AS A PROBLEM, LIKE OTHERS DO. DENIAL KEEPS THE PROBLEM GOING. DENIAL IS CAUSED BY FEAR. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID IF THEY ASK FOR HELP AND ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WILL LABEL THEM AS “WEAK” “CRAZY” OR “A BAD PERSON” ENABLING IS WHEN OTHERS SEE THE USER HAS A PROBLEM BUT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT TYPES OF DENIAL 1) MINIMIZING – SOMEONE MAKES SOMETHING BIG SEEM SMALL. “IT IS JUST MARIJUANA IT IS THE SAME AS BEING SOBER, BUT ENHANCED.” “AT LEAST I WAS NOT SLAMMING.” OR I.E. “I ONLY SMOKE WEED A FEW TIMES A WEEK.”

2) RATIONALIZING – USES REASONS OR EXCUSES TO USE “IT’S MY WAY.” “WELL, IF IT WERE LEGAL, I WOULD USE.” “USE IS A THING OF LIFE.” “IT HAS HEALTH BENEFITS.” “IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER” “I’M ALREADY LATE SO I WILL CONTINUE USING” TEXTBOOK: “IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, SO IT IS OK TO GET DRUNK.”

3)BLAMING – AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES BY POINTING FINGER, LIKE OTHERS CAUSE OUR PROBLEMS. “THEY PROVIDED IT AND OFFERED.” “WIFE USED ME TO DO BUSINESS.” “IT’S YOUR FAULT.” “FUCK THE POLICE.” “HEALTHCARE PROVIDED HIM WITH THE MEDICATION…. FOR MANY YEARS” TEXTBOOK: “MY PARENTS WON’T STOP NAGGING ME SO I GET HIGH.”

4)LYING – WEAVE A COMPLEX WEB TO COVER LIES. LIE ABOUT USE. EASY TO LIE. “IF I WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT LYING, I WOULD NOT DENY IT… I CALLED UP A COP ONCE AND ASKED HIM TO TAKE ME IN.” “BECAUE YOU SAW ME WITH IT, I’M NOT GOING TO BS YOU.” WOULD LIE TO WIFE ABOUT USE. TEXTBOOK: WHEN WE ARE AT A USING PARTY, WE SAY, “I WAS JUST AT A FRIENDS HOUSE!”

5)INTELLECTUALIZING OR COMPARING – COMPARE TO OTHERS TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM SMALLER. “THEY DO NOT HARASS THE RICH FOLK IN THE MCMANSIONS.” “WELL, WHY CAN’T I USE?” “THEY HAVE NO SOULS ANYWAY AND JUST SPEND ALL THEIR MONEY ON DRUGS. WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE. FOR WHOM ARE WE TRYING TO STOP RANDOM USERS FROM USE?” “SO & SO LIVED IN A TENT, I DID NOT.”

6)DIVERTING – CHANGING THE TOPIC WHEN ASKED ABOUT USE. “WHERE YOU USING LAST NIGHT?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!” LOOK AT HER AND WALK OFF. “HEY IT’S MY LIFE. YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY.” “DO I KNOW YOU?” ONE PERSON’S TENT IS ANOTHER’S PALM TREE. TEXTBOOK: “YOU CAN HOME PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT” “WELL, DID ANYONE CALL FOR ME?”

7)ANGER – EXPLODE WITH ANGER WHEN CONFRONTED “DAMN YOU! YOU MUST BE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL!!” “WHO ARE YOU TO TOUCH MY PROPERTY!!” ANGRY IF I WAS HIDING DRUGS AND SOMEONE WAS SNOOPING. ANGRY WIFE SO HE DISSOCIATED

HOW TO HELP OVERCOME DENIAL. IT IS POSSIBLE! CONFRONT THEM WHEN THEY USE THOSE TYPES OF STRATEGIES. YOU WILL KNOW THEY ARE CURED WHEN!!! OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES EXISTENCE OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM…. “YEAH, I USE.” ACCEPST RESPONSIBILITH FOR THEIR CHOICES AND BEHAVIORE…. “MY BAD HOMIE.” LESS DEFENSIVE AND MORE OPEN….. “WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?” SEES CONNECTION BETWEEN USE AND LIFE PROBLEMS… “NOW THAT I USE I CANNOT BUY A MANSION” INCREASE IN HONESTY……… “I USE FREQUENT AND PREFER IT TO SOBRIETY.. AFTER TRYING BOTH WAYS.” DEALS WITH PROBLEMS WITH CONTINUED POSITIVE ACTIONS…… “I WON’T USE EVERY DAY.” MY CHOICE..NO BIG DEAL

THE LAST TIME I USED WISHFUL THINKING WAS WHEN: I WISHED I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHEN IN REALITY: YOU EITHER HAVE TO WORK FOR MANY YEARS OR BE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO RECEIVE A MILLION DOLLARS. THE LAST TIME I ISOLATED WAS WHEN: I LOCK MYSELF AWAY WHEN IN REALITY: YOU WILL NEVER BE ALL ALONE AS YOU WOULD LIKE THE LAST TIME I USED DEFIANCE WAS WHEN: I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL. “I FIGHT MYSELF, BUT I LOSE.” WHEN IN REALITY: NOW IT LOOKS BAD PROVIDES ME WITH A NEGATIVE MOOD WHEN I REALIZE I CANNOT FIX IT PERFECTLY. I HAVE TO PAYTO FIX IT AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE COULD FIX IT PERFECTLY. THE LAST TIME I USED MY OWN DEPENDENCY WAS WHEN: SINCE I CAN’T DRIVE, I WALKED 1000 MILES IN 8-10 MONTHS… TO MARKETS TO FEED MYSELF. WHEN IN REALITY: I COULD HAVE JUST DROVE WITHOUT HAVING THIS CHARGE! THE LAST TIME I MINIMIZED WAS WHEN: THIS USE OF A LIL WEED I HAVE LEFT WON’T HURT ME WHEN IN REALITY: WANT MORE WHEN I RUN OUT THE LAST TIME I RATIONALIZED WAS WHEN: “I CAN FIX IT” WHEN IT REALITY: TAKES HARD WORK TO FIX A THING THE LAST TIME I USED BARGAINING: IF YOU DOTHIS JOB WITH ME I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK, PAY OFF YOUR LOAN, YOU WILL NOT BE BEHIND AND IT IS A STEADY INCOME WHEN IN REALITY: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEYTO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.. HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING BACK ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AGAIN. THE WORST PLACE TO BE.

STINKING THINKING WHAT DOES STINKING THINKING MEAN TO YOU? SUCKS TO HAVE BRAIN LIST NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY. WASTE OF MY VERY LIMITED TIME ALIVE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THEY GOT ME INTO THIS CRAP AGAIN? WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR? --RECOVERY IS TOO HARD AND NOT WORTH IT-- --GRADUATED BEFORE BUT KEPT USING HAD TO REDO-- HAVE YOU EVER USED LIP SERVICE TO APPEASE YOUR COUNSELOR? …YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY, WHATEVER, BALOONEY. OR “I AM DOING QUITE FINE!!!” HAVE YOU EVER LIED ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY? DON’T BRING UP SPORADIC USE… KEEP SOBER DATE AS NEW YEARS 2017, BUT I HAVE USED SPORADICALLY SINCE. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME? ..OF WHOM AM I FOLLOWING THIS RULE FOR??.. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF REPEATING SLOGANS ABOUTYOUR RECOVERY IN HOPES OF WINNING APPROVAL? ..”YOU CAN DO IT!” DO YOU BELIEVE ONE DAY YOU CAN BECOME A SOCIAL DRINKER? SOCIALIZING WHO NEEDS IT.. WHAT IS UNREALISTIC BELIEF OR GOAL YOU HAVE? MOVE..ERASE THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE.. ERASE MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING… ERASE THE COP INTERFERENCES.. ERASE MY MISSED CHANCES GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN BEFORE EVERYTHING BECOMES SO PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. ARE RULES JUST FOR FOOLS? WHOSE RULES? NOTHING MATTERS. WHAT DID RULES HELP ANYONE ACHIEVE? TOTAL CONTROL? A BETTER WORLD? WHO KNOWS. DESCRIBE SOME CORNER CUTTING THAT YOU HAVE DONE RECENTLY. I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR RECOVERY. MINIMIZE IT AS A RECOVERY I DO NOT NEED DO YOU FEEL OTHER PEOPLE ARE RUNNING YOUR LIFE? I AM IN THEIR GOVERNMENTALLY STRUCTURED CLASS TODAY. --FOR WHOM BY WHOM?—I HAVE NOT LIVED UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL IN 2 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY OR FOUND MEANING OR SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT IN THESE 2 YEARS. DO YOU MAKE PROMISES WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING? NO DO I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT MY COUNSELOR IS A FOOL? DOESN’T MATTER WOULD BE CHAOS WITHOUT RULES LIST FIVE WAYS YOU HAVE ACTED IMMATURE IN THE PAST WEEK. I HAVE CRIED. WHAT DOES “HE’S ALL TALK” MEAN? DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? NOTHING TO SHOW FOR – EMPTY WORDS- TALK IS CHEAP DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE SNEAKY AND MANIPULATIVE. I STOLE MY MOM’S CAR WHEN SHE WAS ON VACATION TO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ROCK BANDS IN CONCERT IN LAS VEGAS. I WAS LEFT HERE IN A PILE OF DIRT. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE SO I TOOK THE CAR AND WENT TO HUNTINGTON AND BOUGHT WEED FROM THE REC SHOP. ADDICTION SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TOLERANCE: YOU NEED TO USE MORE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS TO FEEL THE DESIRED EFFECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF ALCHOL OR DRUGS DOESN’T DO WHATIT USED TO WITHDRAWL: WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY CRAVING: YOU THINKABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY LOSS OF CONTROL: YOU’VE FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU COULDN’T FIT IN OR FEEL GOOD WITHOUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT (OR HAD PERIODS OF TIME IN WHICH YOU HAVE NO MEMORY) WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE USED ONE OR MORE DRUGS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS OR HOW IT WOULD AFFECT YOU. LEGAL PROBLEMS: YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR HAD OTHER LEGAL PROBLEMS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING PROBLEMS IN SOCIAL OR OCCPATIONAL FUNCTIONS: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FULFILL IMPORTANT ROLE OBLIGATIONS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES, FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES, OR CARING FOR CHILDREN OR OTHER LOVED ONES, AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING IMPAIRMENT OR DISTRESS RESULTING FROM USE: YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF FOR EXAMPLE NOT EATING WELL OR NOT PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE BECAUSE OF YOUR ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE

WE ALL FACE STRESS, WE ALL DON’T SMOKE CRACK THOUGH PROSECUTER FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL KEEP FROM GETTING COMPLACENT CANNIBANOID RECEPTORS IN BRAIN ONLY DRUG THAT ALREADY HAS RECEPTORS IN BRAIN AND RELEASES VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF THC IN BRAIN REGULARLY CRF INJECTION --CHAVEZ DRUG LORDS… EL TORO..MEXICAN MAFIA-- DR. REASONS AND SWISS CHEESE MODEL DRANK TO SOBRIETY MOVIES – 28 DAYS, WALK THE LINE, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM MISHAP PREVENTION LEADING TO RELAPSE PREVENTION LAVIGNE HEART MCCAULLY STATE DEMIROL—MIDBRAIN STRATIUM—DOPAMINE— GLUTANINE AND GLUTAMATE FLASH FLOODS, A WET BRAIN NAVY PSYCHIATRIST—MEDICAL BOARD POLICE-- PLAN FOR RELAPSE. A MORAL DEFECT IN HIMSELF DISEASE MODEL DIVERSION PROGRAM 6 MO IN JAIL, 5 YEARS PROBATION ON CORONADO ISLAND

“I USED EVERY DAY FOR 5 YEARS, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A FUTURE. ALL I LIKE TO DO IS USE. I ONLY EVER QUIT FOR TOLERANCE. I QUIT ONCE IN THAT 5 YEARS TO SEE IF I COULD GET AS HIGH AS THE FIRST 30 TIMES. I DIDN’T SO I THOUGHT 100 DAYS WASN’T LONG ENOUGH. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO STOP USING FOR ANY LONGER, SO BECAME A DAILY USER AGAIN.”

HOW COMMON IS DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION? APPROXIMATELY 10% OF ANY POPULATION HAS AN ADDICTION (~ 700,000,000 PEOPLE) ADDICTION IS MORE COMMON THAN DIABETES (7%) PEOPLE ONLY STOP WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. WHY STOP OTHERWISE? 1) ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE USE INCREASES IN AMOUNT AND/OR BECOMES MORE FREQUENT MORE IS NEEDED TO GET THE SAME EFFECT SEEKS MORE POWERFUL SUBSTANCES (I.E. CHANGES METHOD/TYPE OF SUBSTANCES USED) BEGINS USE IN MORNINGS, BEFORE SOCIAL EVENTS, ETC PROTECTS/HIDE STASH OBSESSION AND FANTASIZING ABOUT USE EXPERIENCES A TRUSTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SUBSTANCE 2) ADDICTION IS CHRONIC FINANCIAL PROBLEMS LEGAL ISSUES (DUIS, POSSESSION CHARGES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE) 3) ADDICTION IS POTENTIALLY FATAL OVERDOSE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 4) ADDICTION HAS IDENTIFIABLE SYMPTOMS BLACKOUTS CHANGES IN TOLERANCE PREOCCUPATION WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS (BEOMES MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE) WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS (TREMORS, HALLUCINATIONS, SWEATS, ANXIETY, ETC) 5) ADDICTION CAUSES LIFE DETERIORATION 6)ADDICTION IS A PRIMARY DISEASE I DIDN’T LIKE THE OTHER ME 7)ADDICTION IS PREVENTABLE ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

FIVE COMMON PROBLEMS IN EARLY RECOVERY: NEW SOLUTIONS EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP USE RUNS INTO VERY DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN SOBRIETY

PROBLEM: CONTINUING ASSOCIATION WITH OLD FRIENDS OR FRIENDS WHO USE CAN CAUSE TRIGGERS NEW ALTERNATIVE: MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT 12 STEP RECOVERIES! …….OR SPIRITUAL RECOVERY GROUPS, NEW ACTIVITIES THAT WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOBER PEOPLE

PROBLEM: ANGER OR IRRITABILITY – SMALL EVENTS MAY CAUSE ANGER THAT WILL PROMPT USING NEW ALTERNATIVE: RECOVERY INVOLVES A HEALING OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY.. MOODS WILL BE AFFECTED (ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES) “NOTHING HAPPENS THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED A DRINK”

PROBLEM: ALCOHOLIN THE HOME NEW ALTERNATIVE: GET RID OF IT ALL, IF POSSIBLE, ASK PEOPLE TO STOP USING IN THE HOME IF POSSIBLE. MOVE OUT.

PROBLEM: BOREDOM OR LONELINESS NEW ALTERNATIVE: GO BACK TO ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOYED BEFORE YOUR ADDICTION

PROBLEM: SPECIAL OCCASIONS NEW ALTERNATIVE: LEAVE, DON’T GO

1. ARE ANY OF THESE A PROBLEM FOR YOU? GETTING ANGRY -> FEELING LIKE I AM BEING WATCHED/FOLLOWED

2. HOW DO YOU DEAL?

TAKE A NAP. BE ALONE. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. BE THANKFUL AT LEAST I’M NOT SOMEONE ELSE. I.E. A LOSER.

“I CAME HERE TO STOP USING DRUGS, NOT TO STOP DRINKING.” - DRUG TREATMENT INCLUDES STOPPING ALCOHOL AS WELL. IT IS PART OF RECOVERYFROM “ADDICTION”

“I’VE DRUNK AND NOT USED SO IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.” - DRINKING OVER TIME GREATLY INCREASES THE RISK OF RELAPSE AND READDICTION.

“DRINKING ACTUALLY HELPS. WHEN I HAVE CRAVINGS, A DRINK CALMS ME DOWN AND THE CRAVINGS GO AWAY.” - ALCOHOL INTERFERES WITH THE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN. CONTINUED USE OF ALCOHOL ACTUALLY INCREASES CRAVINGS, EVEN IF ONE DRINK REDUCES THEM.

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC SO WHY DO I NEED TO STOP DRINKING?” - IF YOU’RE NOT ADDICTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STOPPING.

“I’M NEVER GOING TO USE DRUGS AGAIN, BUT I’M NOT SURE I’LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.” - MAKE A COMMITMENT TO TOTAL ABSTINENCE! MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ALCOHOL WITH A DRUG-FREE BRAIN.

1. HAS YOUR ADDICTED BRAIN PRESENTED YOU WITH OTHER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR DRINKING ALCOHOL? ALCOHOL IS FUN AND MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ANYWAY. LIFE ENDS EVENTUALLY, GOOD TO LIVE WHILE I CAN. A DAY UNHAPPY IS A DAY WASTED. ALCOHOL MAKE CELEBRATIONS HAPPIER. IF IT IS A RANDOM TUESDAY, ALCOHOL CAN MAKE IT INTO A CELEBRATION.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOL ISSUES IN THE FUTURE? I WILL HOLD OFF ON GOING OVERBOARD. I USED TO DRINK SO MUCH THAT I WOULD VOMIT ABOUT 2 LITERS WORTH THEN I WOULD PASS OUT. ONE TIME I ABOUT FLOODED MY HOUSE BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT WHILE DRINKING BOUT 10 SHOTS IN A ROW. I WILL SAY I CAN ONLY HAVE 1 OR 2 DRINKS, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER MY PO OR THE POLICE BECAUSE THEY SCARE ME.

EXTERNAL TRIGGERS QUESTIONARE

TIMES/PLACES YOU MAY USE: HOME ALONE, HOME WITH FRIENDS, FRIEND’S HOUSE, PARTIES, MOVIES, CLUBS, CONCERTS, WITH FRIENDS WHO USE DRUGS, BEFORE A DATE, DURING A DATE, BEFORE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, WHEN CARRYING MONEY, DRIVING, LIQUOR STORE, AFTER PAYDAY, BEFORE GOING OUT TO DINNER, BEFORE BREAKFAST, AFTER WORK, SCHOOL, THE PARK, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WEEKENDS, WHEN IN PAIN

ONCE I USED BEFORE GOING TO A CLASS PROJECT AT THE CAPITOL CITY HALL BUILDING. A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES VOTING ON LAWS

LIST OTHER TIMES YOU USE: WHEN I WAKE UP AND HAVE SHIT ELSE TO DO ALL DAMN YEAR UNTO INFINITY BECAUSE I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHEN I AM HAVING A SHITTY TERRIBLE DAY.

LIST OCCASSIONS WHERE YOU WOULD NOT USE: GOING TO CHURCH, AIRPORT, AROUND POLICE, BEFORE WORK, WHEN AROUND EMPLOYERS, DURING A COURT HEARING FOR MYSELF, DURING DRUG CLASS OR PROBATION, WHILE AT A HOSPITAL.

LIST PEOPLE YOU COULD BE WITH AND NOT USE: ANY DAMN PERSON.

WHAT EMOTIONS WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO USE: HAPPY, CONFIDENT, PASSIONATE, RELAXED, EXCITED, BORED, LONELY….. FABULOUS

ALMOST NEVER USE: ASLEEP ALWAYS USE: AWAKE

HAVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT RECENTLY THAT HAS MADE YOU WANT TO USE: CHECKED YES. I AM HAPPIER WHEN I USE AND I THINK IT IS A NORMAL THING TO DO. I NEVER PLANNED TO STOP USE UNTIL GOVERNMENT INTERFERED. I DID NOT SMOKE WEED FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I DID NOT SMOKE WEED TO BE A STATISTIC FOR HEALTHCARE REPRESENTATIVES. I SMOKED WEED FOR MYSELF AND TO MAKE MYSELF HAVE THE BEST LIFE IMAGINABLE. I AM EXCITED TO MOVE TO A LEGAL STATE AND CONTINUING SMOKING MARIJUANA. YA KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN PRIVACY THERE.

Post Acute Withdrawal

Chinden wendys

Psychiatric Lingo

They call it Regnerative Degenerative or INTERMITTENT

Regenerative….. it will all be better soon

Degenerative ……. Symptoms get WORSE

Intermittent …… days when symptoms are better….. symptoms come and go

It is ok now Now it is bad again Now it is ok Now it is bad

Traditional treatment does not treat Most common is regenerative and then intermittent

Suicide epidemic

The weaker your resistance begins Tetanus Cut yourself on a piece of rusted metal

Lack of attention to your “recovery plan”

Stress is linchpin

Atheist/Satanist

Irrationality YOU CAN SPEAK YOUR MIND

BUT MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU THINKS YOU ARE MAKING SENSE

HOW DID YOU GET HERE

STRESS GUILT CONFUSION

FIGHT A BATTLE WITHOUT A NAME

LEARNING TO TAKE THINGS A STEP THEN ANOTHER STEP

NOT OVER-REACTING TO THE SYMPTOMS.

ABSITENCE ALONE DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO PROVIDE YOU WITH GOOD HEALTH.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED EACH DAY NUTRITIONIST???? 5,000?

NO SUGAR AND NO CAFFIENE FOR A RECOVERING ADDICT. DO NOT SKIP MEALS

DO NOT EAT POTATO CHIPS SODA CANDY

DO NOT DRINK FOOD THAT PRODUCE STRESS LIKE CANDY JELLY SYRUP

LET DOWN AN HOUR LATER

JANE A RECOVERING ALCOHOL ATE ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

EATING ICE CREAM HELP HER REDUCE CRAVING FOR ALCOHOL

SLUGGISH AND IRRITABLE COULD NOT GET ALONG WITHOUT IT

NO BREAKFAST

CAFFEINE CAUSE NERVOUS AND RESTLESSNESS

IRREGULAR SLEEP CAUSES IRRITABILITY

EXCERSIZE REDUCES STRESS

NATURES TRANQUILIZERS

STRETCHING AND AEROBIC.

RAISE HEART RATE TO 75% OF MAXIMUM

JOGGING SWIMMING JUMPING ROPE

ABLE TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

EXERCISE 3-4 TIMES A WEEK

MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DO NOT EXERCISE YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF

NO PAIN NO GAIN

COPE LAUGHING PLAYING READING

Relapse fight/flight

Muscle cannot relax and tense at the same time

It is impossible to remain tense and relax

Can imagine yourself in a better place

Spiritual divination

Gives your life purpose!!!

Peace of mind through no limitations 😊

Can reach with hope with a positive attitude

Do not have to be open to higher powers

Prayer through spirituality

biopsychosocial

spiritually retold

wholesome living

self-fulfillment

optimum stress level

walter was irritable and anxious

experienced more about saturday

how did your week go???

Friday in wilder

missed 2 UAs – got a car

doesn’t like being alone

can’t get rides to his UA

has 4 classes a week

lives in meridian

thinking about how to get here on his off days

chris

relapse lost his job

new job at Wendy’s

nueropsych test

5 hour

st. als

major traumatic brain injury

2005

high speed rollover accident

pole thrown at her head in the back side

how to deal with problems when they occur

don’t worry

be patient

retrain your brain is rehab to be a new person

longer a peron is sober the less the symptoms become

NA and AA

EARLY RECOVERY

My use will effect them

you have to forget about them if you are putting the pipe to your mouth or you will feel guilty

I was isolated at the drug house

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