.

straightman count your fucking days

ngl i understand why g*iman might want to say heaven/god isn't homophobic in the sense that like "oh people love the g*mens 'verse and want to imagine a world without homophobia"; however, i think it's safe to say that, definitely by now, heaven are also bad guys. perhaps god isn't homophobic and fans could maybe take comfort in that, but heaven can be without that reflecting on god and ruining that illusion.

that being said, defensively shutting down an interpretation (coming from the "interpret everything however you want" guy) that makes the story even more meaningful than it already is, especially when focussing on the show's version of the story, which has definitively moved into "love story" territory, is such loser behaviour. you're allowed to tell fans things they don't want to hear, and fans should be allowed to recognise themselves and the things they've been through without being called delusional or wrong or whatever for it.

covering your ass with the sandalphon comment is hilarious too, because yeah, everyone totally thinks about everything but homophobia when they think of sodom and gomorrah. be serious for me for just one second, please!

no one even called him homophobic for the scene's inclusion (because duh, what you write about doesn't 1:1 reflect your values), but tbh, with the way he reacted, well . . . it's not a very good look, i think. saying "hey, this scene reflected homophobia experienced by gay people [in this instance, specifically gay men]" isn't at all the same as saying "you endorse homophobia" — imagine how impossible it'd be to write a story without any ~problematic~ elements — and if you interpreted g*yziraphale's statement as accusatory, you need to take a step back and do some serious reassessment.

(and the tags about "it doesn't even have to be 'boyfriend'! it could've been 'lady friend' or 'bosom friend'"? what? first of all, if only it were that easy to avoid homophobia! sadly [sarcasm], gay people exist. secondly, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST SAY ONE OF THOSE THINGS THEN? if angels don't have an understanding of gender or sexuality, why didn't they use one of the neutral terms you suggested? and again, if a and c being just friends was enough to spark heaven's anger and if heaven really has no concept of sexuality — let's remember, s1 had their relationship hella ambiguous still, so if some viewers of the show couldn't pick up on anything between the two, you think 'i don't get sex' heaven would? — they should've just said "friend"!)

i hate that i've written an essay because i hate that i'm putting so much time and (emotional) energy into this, but i'm just so sick of gay people being called delusional or "looking too deep" for pointing out where stories parallel their own. also, nice little "actually *you're* the homophobic one for even noticing it!!1!"[1] there. really deserving of a glaad award, sir. (or is that yet another statement i'm not allowed to interpret?)

1 look, i get he could be acting like he's just got the gender version of colour blindness, but he's a grown up. he should know damn well how that line comes across.

Hi Hello I am having such a crisis and have literally no clue who else to talk to so here I am! (Side-Note before I actually start: your blog is very very cool and has been such a great help to since I figured out I was aspec)

So basically I figured out I was ace a few years ago (I’m a minor btw) and then about a year later that I was aro. I have been pretty stable in my identity since and am out to my close friends (and mom but only the ace part), even rejected one of said close friends because of just that (which was really difficult because I really really really like him and did not do not want to hurt him but like I just can’t see myself having a romantic relationship with him, or anyone for that matter, at all). Anyway I met this girl at school yesterday (we only started talking today though), we’ll call her Marie for simplicity’s sake, and she’s really pretty and nice and funny and soo cool. I’m pretty sure she flirted with me and it actually felt good (all other instances of flirting by guys and gals alike have felt sooo weird ngl) yet I stellt felt that strange disconnect feeling I always get when someone flirts w me just like, quieter? I’ll probably only see her tomorrow and then not again for a long time (or maybe even forever) if I don’t actively reach out to her (she gave me her number btw) and I’d really like to be friends… now, thing is I think I have a crush???? Maybe??? I dunno???? I think I would like to be with her in theory but as soon as I imagine myself kissing Marie or even holding hands I get a cringing uncomfortable sensation… On top of that I don’t even know if she likes girls, so I might not even have a shot at all. And even if I were crushing on Marie and she liked girls and liked me I dunno if I would be able to have a relationship with because a) I suck at communicating b) I’m a nervous wreck that just randomly ghosts people for weeks on end despite wanting to text them and c) I think the guilt towards the friend who confessed to me would kill me

I’m sorry if I bothered you w this but I really needed someone to talk to and maybe you might even have some words of advice

So the number one thing to remember is that you don't have to have everything figured out right away. Based on this alone, a lot of things are possible, and things will be more clear as you gather more experiences and things progress in general. Right now it does sound like you're still repulsed at the idea of doing romantic things with Marie, it's impossible to say if that may change in the future or not unless you personally have a strong feeling about it.

Could it be a crush? Maybe? It is possible to get crushes but not want to act on them, or be too repulsed to act on them. Or to experience romantic attraction but not the full range or romantic desire to go with it. It's also possible to experience other types of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual, but if you're not aware they exist it can be easy to mistake them (squishes for example is a type of platonic crush where you want to be close or important to the person you're attracted to, and can feel a lot like a romantic crush except that it doesn't feel romantic at all).

I get where you may feel like you're on a deadline because you may not see Marie again after today, it's up to you if you want to try and stay in contact, but if you have the capacity to experience these feelings with one person, it's likely you will again (or if you don't, it's a hiccup and you don't have to worry about it). So whatever choices you make, you will figure things out eventually.

Try not to feel guilty if you want to explore your feelings here even though you turned your friend down. It hurts to reject people, but it's always the right choice if you don't feel like you can reciprocate how they want, and it's the kindest choice in the long run. But that doesn't bar you from exploring your feelings or even trying a relationship at some point in the future if you ever end up wanting to, you will still have done the right thing turning down someone you didn't feel right entering a relationship with. These things are complicated.

Hopefully this is helpful, but if you want to dig into something more or have more questions, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

3 Day Fast

I——————————I

Begins at 18:58 on Friday 19th

Ended at 22:34 on Monday 22nd

Start : 168lbs / 76kg / BMI 23.4

End : 156lbs / 70kg / BMI 21.5

Total Lost: 10lbs /6kg - probs just water weight

Allowed:

Diet soda (max 1 per day)

Gum

Coffee

Multivitamins

Not allowed:

Food (obviously)

1-24 hours:

20 hrs- feeling really good, stomach cramps are making me rlly not wanna eat

24 hrs - passed 24hr mark at work, didn’t notice, first 24 hours is usually pretty easy

24-48 hours:

36 hrs- still all good, 36 hours passed while I slept so it’s nice and easy

48hrs - was working, np so far

48-72 hours:

60 hrs- WORST stomach cramp, hurt so much, lied in bed until like 1 and didn’t go for my morning walk (8-10Miles usually) which means I probably won’t get in the my 20,000 steps which is rlly shit. Cos this fat ain’t gonna burn itself

72 hrs- hung out with a friend all day and got 15,000 steps in, feeling better tbh, almost binged but I literally don’t have any money so I didn’t

Ended the fast with a pack of super noodles

Ngl I wanted to fast for longer but I didn’t because I’m fucking useless, rolling straight into another fast. Plan for this one is +96 hours ⭐️

People were posting resemblances between the different representations of the WHB demons in other media a while back and let me introduce to you the fucker (affectionate) that is GBF Belial. And I implore you to search up Parade's Lust and listen to the song in its entirety. It's a great song and encapsulates Belial perfectly (though I still greatly prefer Paradise Lost over it).

Dude's literally one of my faves in GBF despite him being an antagonist, it's just his raid battle is annoying. And this may have been a snippet from a convo back when his raid first dropped but our sentiments regarding said raid battle remains the same.

Also am I the only one who finds it so unbelievably weird that WHB's Beelzebub has had no overt references to his title as the Lord of the Flies (unless I'm missing something)? One of SMT's renditions of Bubs is a giant fly, and even GBF's has a skill called 'Black Flies' in his raid...

As an aside I love how the Belial trailer in GBVS has a clip of him getting his ass handed to him by Bubs. It really reflects their current relationship; they were forced allies back in What Makes the Sky Blue 2: Paradise Lost, with Belial still being wholly loyal to Lucilius, whose goals (return the world to nothing) are at ends with Beelzebub's goals (take over the entire world).

Also no mention of the entire Fallen race in SMT? They're all demons from the Ars Goetia, and the way some of these demons are so different is quite intriguing I'm ngl. Off the top of my head:

Naberius, or Nebiros, is a necromancer who has one of the most bullshit mechanics in Devil Survivor 2, where he'll continuously revive himself in the place of any living demon teams. In the SMT multiverse, he, with Belial, is responsible for turning Alice into a Fiend by infusing her with demonic magic, causing the human to be driven insane before dying and finally becoming the Fiend she is known for today. All because she wanted to have friends.

Belial is also in SMT! And is so fucking annoying to deal with in Devil Survivor, because he has an NPC stuck in a ring of fire that you have to heal continuously, because she takes damage every turn and her dying is a lose condition. He is a participant of the War of Bel, an ongoing war between the Bel demons to prove themselves worthy to Babel, making them the King of Bel and by extension the king of the demons. He fights the MC as he is the reincarnation of Abel and also part of the War after slaying Beldr. Another fun fact about Belial and Nebiros: in at least one SMT title, the fusion recipe for Alice is Nebiros and Belial, referencing their role in turning Alice into the Fiend we know today.

Eligos, or Eligor, is often an early to midgame demon who specializes in physical skills. He often takes the form of an armored humanoid riding a horse.

Dantalian, or Dantalion, is portrayed as a scholar with many heads, holding a large book. Oftentimes a magic-oriented demon.

Astaroth carried me in midgame SMT Devil Survivor as an early Tyrant demon aha. MP recovery is always nice lmao. He's depicted as a naked, blonde man riding a giant snake.

Morax, in Strange Journey, is the boss of Sector Antlia, the first dungeon of the game. He has a skill called Gehenna, which is a partywide chance to inflict Fear. He's easy as long as you can use ice magic - I fused Apsaras and had other Law demons like Archangel or Hamsa for co-op attacks. Depicted as a humanoid with a bull for a head, he believes humanity's true nature is one of eternal conflict and conquest, reflected in how the latter half of Antlia is a war-torn battlefield.

For the demon kings in SMT, given their associations with the Seven Deadly Sins, they do have their own depictions. The two that I'm most familiar with (and has the largest roles across multiple entries) are Satan and Beelzebub - the latter of which I briefly touched upon earlier. So let's talk Satan first!

Satan, in the SMT multiverse, is on the side of Law, the side associated with angels. As a result, he and Lucifer (the usual Chaos route representative) absolutely detest each other. This is particularly obvious in SMT 2, where he is YHVH's right-hand man and a foe in the Chaos and Neutral routes. Interesting to note is that he betrays YHVH upon realizing His machinations wiped out all life on Earth, which happens on the Law path.

Yeah, the SMT multiverse is kinda fucked up like that. There's a reason why I'm a Neutral route truther, apart from certain endings (like the new Strange Journey Redux endings for all routes).

As for Beelzebub, one of his most relevant roles is as a participant of the War of Bel in Devil Survivor, in which Belial is also a participant. He has a special attack that inflicts the Egg ailment - a ticking time bomb that goes off after one turn, inflicting heavy Almighty damage to the victim and spawning a team of maggot flies right beside the team with the victim. Bring your ailment clears!

As for the angels, apart from the standard SMT fare of Archangels where they're loyal to YHVH's will (although at least once Gabriel isn't as blindly loyal to YHVH as the rest, like in SMT 2), GBF has the Four Primarchs!

Gabriel is the Primarch of water. Kind-hearted and motherly, yet deceptively smart - she destroyed her own wings in What Makes the Sky Blue so her powers cannot be used by the event's antagonist, Sandalphon, to destroy the world.

Michael is the Primarch of fire. A tactician, fierce in battle, and a commander, her close association with combat meant that she had the most trouble adjusting to a peaceful life after the events of What Makes the Sky Blue 3: 000. She tried her hand in acting and is decent enough at it actually!

Raphael is the Primarch of wind. The most silent and thoughtful of the four Primarchs, he is known to be able to heal others using his winds. Also the easiest Primarch to be bullied imo, because Fire has a lot of busted DPS characters in exchange for very limited sustain options (I run Yukata Silva, Wilnas, and Michael - Wilnas has hit 10 mil CA damage with Silva's CA debuff).

Uriel, who was presumably killed by Gabriel in WHB, is the Primarch of earth. Which is ironic in GBF terms, because earth has elemental advantage over water. Anyways, he loves sparring and is the most boisterous among all the Primarchs!

As for other demon references in GBF:

Morax appears once again, this time as Magisa's familiar. Most of her playable forms incorporate her fighting with Morax, usually as a source of additional damage (counted as skill damage for the most part). Also is a dark composition of Summer Magisa, Fediel, and Lich is overkill, because that's my main dark comp...

Mammon is a Primal Beast. Same with Avaritia. They're both event antagonists - Mammon being the main antagonist of Detective Barawa and the Jewel Resort Incident (also depicted as a female in this game!) and Avaritia being the main antagonist of The Inner Light. Both stories are about greed, and The Inner Light in particular talks about how greed can destroy relationships. It's one of the events that made me cry, apart from the What Makes the Sky Blue trilogy, Together in Song, Lonesome Dragoness, Marionette Stars, and you., and Home Sweet Moon.

Leviathan is the Primal Beast who serves as the Auguste Archipelago's guardian. Mellow and gentle, but turned violent due to the Erste Empire's machinations, and the main crew managed to calm him down. Thankfully it never got past the point of going berserk, but the raid battle Leviathan Malice is a decent enough interpretation of what could've happened to him should the Erste Empire continue. Also memed to hell and back because of his sprite, as if he's laughing at your bad drops.

Satan is also a Primal Beast who, ironically, isn't the Satan-adjacent figure (that role goes to Avatar, who looks similar but is a different being entirely). Notably, Satan is part of Lyria's April Fools skin, with him riding on the Demonbream that she's stuck in (it makes sense I swear). Video here - Lyria is the blue-haired girl in white (WHOA-WHOA-YEAH!!!!).

((my wind otk is pitiful - i'm a water and dark main))

Anyways I'll add on to this if I find more, but I just wanna say this sort of shit tickles my GBF and SMT brain a lot. So...

After days of travel, you finally arrive at the small town of Royal Mount, so named after the sacred hill resting at its center. Your contact asked you to meet them at the local inn, where they would impart delicious culinary secrets upon you.

You quickly notice a sign advertising a place called Tym Hort's inn. This must be the place. As you enter, a hooded figure wearing a strange billed hat waves at you. They lower their hood as you approach, looking up through shining glasses. "Greetings my friend! You may call me Phex. I believe you are here to discuss a most delicious topic, are you not?"

You find nothing odd about them, save for your inability to settle on any pronoun to refer to them. They regard you with an amused look despite their clear sleep deprivation and as they invite you to sit, they open a large grimoire, surely full of secrets each more delicious than the last...

The first dnd cookbook! Winner of the last poll!

This is a book I hadn't planned on getting initially. I watched misohungrie's review, and it seemed like a really nice book, but despite the fact that I've played in a few campaigns using dnd, I've never actually played in the Forgotten Realms settings (or any other of their settings) and always in homebrews. So I wasn't that yet interested in the lore or references.

And then I played Baldur's Gate 3.

So I now have this book, and it's one of my favorites of my collection lmao. I haven't gotten the second book yet but I intend to eventually!

The book separates its recipes by "cultures", basically most of the basic playable races in dnd. Uncommon has a mix of stuff, from dragonborn, gnomes, tieflings. And then drinks have their own chapter. Between each chapter there's also a nice menu reproduction for various inns, which I love.

I'm only really familiar with forgotten realms now that I've consumed the entire wiki for Baldur's Gate purposes and finetuning my oc's backstories lmao but there are references to many others, like Greyhawk, Dragonlance, Ravenloft and a few more. My good friends, who are much more powerful nerds than I am, gave me a brief summary of all of them so that was also pretty cool. There's also at least one obligatory Drizzt reference, which I have to mention bc I'm about to get into that shit to indulge in the drow obsession I could never have in high school.

ANYWAY.

The recipes are varied, and there are a LOT in there that interest me ngl. I've already cooked two! I've made Dwarven Flatbread (easy and delicious!) and Halfling Chili which I believe I've posted about before. It is also very delicious (I remade this week! I didn't post about it bc I'm supposed to be cooking something new lmao). It uses cocoa powder and cinnamon amongst others in the spices. And delicious bacon.

Human recipes have variety, are pretty hearthy and generally go for a "comforting" vibe, I would say. They go from hand pies to seafood bouillabaisse or ribs to candied apples! Very fun chapter.

The Elven chapter unsurprisingly has a lot of light recipes, a ton of veggies, with some seafood! But for the most part it's a lotta veggies and fruits, and the one drow recipe, mushroom steak!

The Dwarven chapter, by contrast, has a lot of meaty recipes. You've got potatoes, sausages, beer, bread, rich desserts. (kinda my favorite chapter I think lmao)

The Halfling chapter is all about hearthy, homely(?) recipes that can be shared with many people, and many soups. This one is also very good.

Uncommon cuisine has a wide range of recipes. This is the chapter that has the halfling chili. Because normally it's made of...well you know. But you can make it with turkey, if you're not a dragonborn of very specific taste.

And finally the drinks are about half and half alcoholic and not, which I think is nice as someone who doesn't drink. It also has the second drow "recipe" which is like a mushroom "tea" (or like a stew?).

Now, there is one major problem with this book.

So many recipe photos missing!! So many!!

And it's particularely frustrating for this book because sometimes a page will have an environmental photo of like trees or whatever. But why not put food photo there instead?? Bummer.

This is a pretty village and all but do I really need it? I don't think so lmao.

Now after agonising over the meal choice (and over my mental health) for the last 10 weeks, I finally decided to make the Vedbread, a cheesy, mushroomy bread roll that sounds delicious. I just gotta go out and buy some shiitake mushrooms soon. Misohungrie happens to have made that one too (kinda the reason I chose it lmao it looks delicious) so you should check out his video too if you're interested in the book! He's also kinda the reason I bought the book in the first place, and he brings up the weird photo issue too.

Overall I really like this book, because I like ordinary daily life lore and you get a pretty good amount in that one, on top of having delicious recipes to try out. The recipes aren't super crazy in terms of trying to make them weird or unique, but they all seem pretty solid. They all have a little flavor/lore blurb before every recipe, and it's fun to get some tidbits like "tieflings love spicy food" or whatever yknow lol.

My tab crashed and I can't remember what I was following up with, but I wish y'all success in your culinary adventures and campaigns! I'll make a post for the vedbread when I get around to making it!

i'm slowly circling around hermitcraft (i keep telling myself i'm not going to get into another minecraft smp thing, i did my days in the yogscast mines) and it's so compelling. i won't lie. what would you, personally, suggest as a starting point for someone who hasn't watched any of these people before? even without knowing these characters, your hermitcraft fic is so good that i want to learn more about them

yeah see, i told myself that too and then dsmp and 3rd life and hermitcraft happened and. here i am. back in the pits again!! having the time of my life about it ngl.

so, okay, my first caveat would be: fandom does a lot of heavy lifting re: it having a plot. like... i'd say they're less plotty than the yogs were, with season 8 being an honourable exception. so don't go in expecting that my fic has uhhhhh. really any relation to canon lmao. (though to be fair, it didn't really in yogs either, so...)

first option: watch an episode of Hermitcraft Recap (a channel that does a weekly "what happened on hermitcraft this week" highlights video), see if any of the things mentioned take your fancy, and then check out the channel of the hermit that did it. this is good if you're hunting for someone doing a specific Thing in minecraft, rather than streamer personality.

second option: see the rec list below, and check out one of those people's season 8. season 8 is now over, but it was very short compared to regular seasons - so a lot of the excitement gets compressed and amped up, and it's a good way to really get an idea of what people are about. it will give you an unrealistic idea of how plotty hermitcraft gets, especially the end, because they went absolutely off the shits with that one, but it's a great season.

third option: see the rec list below, and jump straight into season 9 - either at the beginning of someone's series, or at the current point, or skip around through various people's things. we're like 20-ish eps in, depending on the person, but honestly it's pretty easy to dip in and out; we just had a big Plot Development with rendog getting crowned king of the server, so it's a good time to start! rec list (biased to the people i watch, obvs! the others are great too, but these are my faves), to help you decide who to pick:

Literally unhinged impossible redstone, constantly on his villain arc, (and tomato plants?): DocM77

Very good redstone, also extremely funny: TangoTek (also makes excellent noises), MumboJumbo (on break atm. i miss him :( ), Zedaph (he's doing. weird shit this season, but i support him in his quest to be a lunatic)

Incredible building, but also chaos-gremlin energy: BdoubleO100 (excellent noises pt.2), Grian (main character energy, tumblr's fave), PearlescentMoon (i am kissing her s9 base directly on the mouth)

Incredible building, really nice voice: GoodTimesWithScar (tumblr's other fave)

Building but also like. weirdly chill-but-horny vibes: Keralis (deliberately), Rendog (on accident)

Literally no idea but you should watch him: Joe Hills (very odd, currently hyperfixated on pinball machines, i find him very soothing for reasons that escape me, writes haikus for his episodes????)

fourth option: some of what you've seen from me will be from 3rd / last / double life, a bunch of semi-hardcore "death games" series run by grian and involving a bunch of hermits (plus some other friends, including inthelittlewood from the yogscast!). these are great, and i watched these before hermitcraft, and then based who i was watching in hc on what i'd seen there. double life is happening rn and we're only 3 eps in, so it'd be easy to catch up! it's basically a soulmate au but in minecraft, because grian is insane; i'm really enjoying BdoubleO100, PearlescentMoon, Tango, Rendog, and Grian (Scar is on a weird zookeeping arc, godbless, so he's in my bad books until he starts killing again. otherwise, the go-to rec is Grian or Scar's pov of 3rd Life, which sent me fucking insane.

Ngl, as much as I'm all for a Marinette and Kagami friendship, but I hate when some of them tend to bash Alya in the process. People tend to make do that just to prop up Kagami as a better best friend for Mari. It honestly kinda soured the content for me.

Oh geez. I've avoided most of that, thankfully, but I have seen that crop up in an occasional saltfic here and there. People really have it out for Alya, I swear.

I think Kagami's used as the "better best friend" for a similar reason to Chloe, in some ways: she's very up front and takes no prisoners, is extremely direct and even harsh, and thus, can be easily turned into Marinette's attack dog against whoever the author doesn't like - usually including Alya, since she isn't seen as being unquestionably loyal enough to Marinette.

I see a lot more positive Marigami fics, both platonic and romantic, that are nice to everyone, than Marigami saltfests, so I've mostly avoided this issue. But I have seen it occasionally as a side friendship in saltfics. I don't blame you for getting soured on their friendship because of that. I mean, there are only five characters in the saltdom who are consistently treated well and considered to be good people, to escape being demonized and turned into Hate Sinks, in most Saltinette fics: Marinette, Felix, Chloe, Luka, and as you mentioned, Kagami. Which can make it easy to sour on them, especially when Alya's made into a horrible person so the author can delight in punishing her as part of an effort to prop up another character in her place.

Waterloo Road - 'see I spent my teens enraged spiralin' in silence'

Danny Lewis was back at school, he was at Waterloo Road and things were actually going his way for once. They were for a while, until he ruined it all again.

never did I think I would write a waterloo road fic ngl! but I watched the new series and poor danny bless him:( he was deffo my fave character in the new show and I really hope he gets justice!!

this song really reminded me of danny and I wasn't entirely sure where I was going with this but I think I like it!

thanks for reading :)

also posted on ao3; https://archiveofourown.org/works/44157850

Danny was fifteen when he stopped going to school. It wasn’t like he cared at the time, not really. He hated school, or at least he thought he did. The only good thing about it was he didn’t have to spend time at home. That was the one place he hated more than school. It was a constant struggle, constant fight between Danny and Vinny. Danny knew exactly the type of person Vinny was. He knew as soon as he met him, knew when his mum first introduced him. She didn’t want to at first, and Danny could see why. He was a bully, he was an arsehole, he took and took. Even though Danny hated school, he seemed to spend a lot of time there. He’d get into fights, meaning a week’s detention. That wasted at least an hour after school. Sometimes he’d go to the park for a bit, or the off license. That could waste maybe an hour or so. When it was winter it got dark pretty quickly, and Danny didn’t fancy spending too much time in the dark and cold, so he knew he’d have to go home eventually. Not that anyone would have cared. When it was just him and his mum, she’d make his tea and leave it for him, especially if she was working nights. But after Vinny, she didn’t seem to worry about that. Danny wasn’t stupid or naïve, he wasn’t going to pretend his mum was ever good to him, everything was just worse with Vinny around.

When it was warmer, Danny could stay away from home for longer. Sometimes he didn’t want to just hang about, so he’d go for a walk. It felt like he’d be walking for hours until he realised, he needed to go home. He liked it though, spending time by himself was nice. Danny knew he wasn’t the most popular person in school, but he didn’t need to be. Kai was a good friend, or he was when he was around. But sometimes everything became too much, and Danny just wanted to be alone.

Danny thought it pretty funny, ironic even that he got exactly what he wanted. When the first lockdown happened, everyone was pretty happy. No school for a few weeks? That’s what everyone thought. Danny didn’t care about that, it didn’t matter, not really.

It wasn’t that Danny hated school, not really. He said he did, made out like it was worst thing in the world but that wasn’t the case. There were things Danny liked about school, and it wasn’t just that he got away from being at home. There were some teachers who were alright. He had some friends. He liked some lessons. But sometimes things just seemed too hard. There were things he didn’t always understand, and being the type of kid he was, it seemed like no one wanted to listen.

It was the staying home during those first few weeks that were hard. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t going to school, he couldn’t go out either. He was trapped inside with the worst person possible. Vinny seemed to despise Danny, which was fine, because Danny didn’t like Vinny either. But it was as if he’d done something wrong to Vinny, every little thing Danny did seem to irritate Vinny. There were snide comments, things that were easy for Danny to ignore, even with his mum siding with Vinny every single time. But it was the other things, the things that were harder to ignore. Those were the things that drove it over the edge, the things that made Danny realise he had to go. Danny knew taking the money wasn’t going to be a good idea, but he didn’t have a choice. What else was he going to do? He couldn’t stay there, not anymore.

The school wasn’t the first place Danny stayed. There were street corners, parks, toilets. These weren’t so bad when it was warmer but as soon as it started to get cold, Danny knew he couldn’t stay there long. Some days were better than others, but the money soon ran out. £1000 wasn’t a lot, that’s what Danny realised. Most of it was spent on food, and when he couldn’t buy the food, he had to steal it. Danny didn’t like stealing food, he knew it was wrong, but he had to eat, he had to live.

Danny didn’t come back after that summer; he’d already left home and stopped doing the work teachers would send months before that September came around. He’d wondered what his mum had said when the school rang, whether Mr Casey came round to the house, asking for him. He also wondered when they decided to go to Birmingham; when they left him. Finding that out made Danny finally realise; his mum didn’t care, she never did. He was stupid to think he’d see her again, stupid to think that she’d want to know where he was and how he was doing. He knew that still, even when she sent him that message. He knew she didn’t care, not really, but there was still that small part of him that didn’t want to believe that. There was a part of him that wanted to see her, tell her what had happened, hug her, be a son again.

None of that really mattered though because that part of Danny was wrong. Seeing her again, it made Danny feel strange, like he didn’t really know who she was. She didn’t want to see him for any good reasons, only the stupid money. She could have reached out before; she could have tried to find him. If she had really cared, if she had been a good mum, she would have done that. Danny knew she didn’t care about his exams, who he was living with, his friends, any of that. She never had done and never would. It hurt, it hurt a lot. It wasn’t fair, even though Danny knew he was better off without her. Other people had a mum, other people had a family. Sometimes it seemed like Danny didn’t have anyone, especially before.

Angel had appeared a few months before Danny decided the school boiler room would be his next stop. He was staying in a park a few streets away from the local chippy. It was getting dark one spring evening, so Danny knew he’d have to leave eventually. He didn’t want to; Danny wasn’t exactly sure where he could go. It was times like these he sometimes wished he’d just sucked it up, he just stayed at home. He could have locked himself in his room, played some music and drowned Vinny out. But then he remembered. He remembered all the bad things, all the things that had happened. The things that he couldn’t bring himself to say. That made he stay away, stay outside, stay anywhere that wasn’t home. Not that it was really a home. Danny understood that. He didn’t have a home.

That night, he made his way to leave, climbing over the barrier guarding the swings and slide from the outside world. Just as he began to pull his bag over, a small but vivid noise came from nearby bush and there she was. She was cold, Danny could see her legs shivering. He understood that feeling only too well. Danny had always wanted a dog, ever since he was little. He’d begged and begged him mum when he was eight, telling her it was the most important thing in the world. She’d said no, of course, said they couldn’t afford it and told him to stop asking for such stupid things. Danny had never mentioned it again, he wasn’t stupid enough to try. But he still liked the idea of a dog. Even now, not knowing where he was going to sleep or get his next meal from, the idea of a dog, a little companion, that sounded nice. They could protect each other, keep each other safe. That would be nice. And well, that was that. The two stayed together until that day at the school. He missed her, even knowing she was in good hands. And her being one of the last things he saw before they took him away, that was important.

Danny knew he was lucky; knew he should be grateful. A few months ago, he hadn’t even imagined things would go this way. Danny didn’t think of the future much, not in the long-term. Just the next day, if he’d made it, then that was good. But now? Things were better, much better. It just seemed like everything was too good. Danny would have been alright at the hostel before things started to go bad. It wasn’t Kai’s fault, he knew that, but he could have got by. He hadn’t expected Val to take him in, treat him like she had. It wasn’t like she was trying to be a mum, but sometimes he wished she’d tell him what to do a bit more, stop giving him so much freedom. But then again, he couldn’t complain. It wasn’t just the new things Val had got him, it wasn’t just the guitar lessons or the checking up on him. She cared, actually cared and she wasn’t the only one.

Danny hadn’t seen Kai in two years. He never expected to see him again, which is silly really considering he was sleeping in the school. But still, why would he? Danny’s life was going on a completely different path from Kai’s. Sometimes, Danny would wonder what Kai would be doing. It didn’t matter, though. Because whatever Kai was doing or was going to do, it wasn’t going to involve Danny. But Kai had come to the hostel to spend time with Danny, maybe some of it was him being selfish, but not all. And deep-down Danny knew he needed that, wanted it even. It was nice to have someone like that back in his life again and he’d missed Kai, a lot.

There were other things he’d missed, things he never thought he would. English and Maths always seemed harder before, but maybe Danny wasn’t listening properly or maybe he didn’t really want it. This time around the stakes were higher, Miss Campbell took a chance and was relying on Danny to actually work. He had to; he knew that. But it was different now. Danny was given a chance, a real one. He had to make this work and he was going to. It was hard, Danny knew it was going to be. But there were people who wanted him to do well, who actually believed in him. Mr King had given Danny another chance, he actually wanted Danny to do it. And Danny could actually admit he didn’t mind going to school. It wasn’t just a place to escape anymore. There were things to learn, interesting things. There were people to see. He spent time learning the guitar, playing basketball. He actually cared about stuff now. People were looking out for him. He was going to be in the end-of-year show. It was all going so well.

The real problem was that Danny was stupid, he forgot. He forgot how he wound up back at school. For a while, he forgot what Vinny was like. The knife he’d kept was just in case; just in case something happened. He wanted to believe he wouldn’t need it, not now. But he guessed he secretly knew it was always going to happen, it was inevitable. Things were never going to go right for him. It was like he said, this was who he was, this was what his life was and was going to be. He should have been more cautious, more careful. He should have realised as soon as his mum had texted him, it wasn’t going to be for anything good. He should have never let his guard down. And at the party; he should have known that wouldn’t be the end. He should have known Vinny would come for him eventually. Kai took the knife, but he wasn’t going to tell anyone because what was the point? What could anyone do? No one could protect Danny. This was always going to happen, and Danny knew it.

Danny didn’t want to use the knife, that wasn’t something he wanted to do. It wasn’t as if Danny even knew how to properly use it. He had it with him but only because he was scared. He was scared he’d mess it up and end up how it was before. He was afraid that everyone would realise he wasn’t good enough and there was no point. But Vinny wasn’t going to stop, and Danny knew that. There was nothing else Danny could do. All he could do when Val saw him, when she walked up the stairs, spoke his name was what he’d always done. He ran away. He knew it wouldn’t help; he knew he couldn’t run forever but he had to get away. He couldn’t bear to see her face, see her falter, and realise what a mistake Danny was, what he had done. What he had ruined. But running wouldn’t solve it, he’d have to face it eventually, just like he had to face Vinny. They were going to come for him, they were going to take him away and that would be it. Danny wasn’t going to get away from that, that was where he was always going to end up. No one could stop that, not Danny, not Val, not Kai, not Samia, not even Miss Campbell. He had let them all down, but no more than he done to himself.

O W L

Sorry this took so long! (Also, am aware there's another I need to answer which is in my drafts rn)

Answering the asks from this list.

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

Where Our Blue Is - Tatsuya Kitani. Well. That's an easy one at least. SatoSugu from JJK. I still haven't watched anything after Hidden Inventory but between that arc and JJK 0 I got swung around so hard on this particular pairing. Before JJK 0, I'd sorta presumed shippers were mainly just mashing popular characters with a history together (and my opinion of Gojo was kinda "he's like an older Itadori in a lot of ways so I'm sure he's interesting for some people but he doesn't really capture *me* because he's mainly there to be OP and/or comic relief". Meanwhile, my opinion of Geto was "he's racist" - admittedly, I still think that about him, but he's got more layers now), but JJK 0 itself leaned in so much on the "old friends" and "love is a curse" stuff that I came out of the film like "oh, wait fr?" (Also, keeping the whole first name no honorifics deal even as enemies, but my memories of s1 are so blurry that I can't remember if that came up before then) But yeah, Hidden Inventory. The whole stuff around Geto acting as Gojo's moral compass and low-key being the social buffer to smooth things over between Gojo and everyone else is so fascinating when you know full well where they end up. And the way that Gojo's OPness *does* actually get explored in terms of how there's this whole gap between him and everyone else that Geto is heavily conscious of. The fact that they were a "them against the world" to Gojo and to Geto it was "Gojo against the world (with everyone else just along for the ride)" but when Geto snaps Gojo remains. He could have fulfilled "them against the world" but he chose not to. And Gojo ends up taking the role that Geto previously occupied, mimicking the moral compass that Geto was trying to convince himself of. Something about fake it 'til you make it, trying to act as an example to your counterpart without necessarily being fully convinced yourself. Also, the yin-yang visuals, obviously.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Oof, I have a few tbh? I'll just list a few off rather than going into any depth (though I can say more if asked). (Update: Ngl, this started as specific tropes and quickly devolved into something else but go with it, thanks.) - The main tropes I dislike relate to the idea of mandatory romance ngl, so stuff like pair the spares (where you eventually end up with absolutely everyone paired off by the end of it) and that whole thing where you get two female characters who barely interact in canon together but in doing so entirely ignore their canon personalities and/or interactions. - Cinnamon rolling of characters, especially ND-coded ones who are given actual depth in canon and then the fanon flattens that all out, removing the agency they have in canon in favour of proclaiming them "innocent" but not much else. I feel like people doing this may like the versions of the characters that they see, but they're missing so many layers that they're actively making them more boring. - And finally, pregnancy stuff. I know some people really like to read that kind of stuff in fic or see bio kids as some natural "progression" of a relationship, but it just really squicks me out personally (and there's some intersection there where the main fandom I see that's weirdly into this is one where the main pair already have an adopted kid so the idea they need a bio one as well has some weird implications to me even if I can't say that every single instance of it falls into that) (Please take this list as me generically complaining rather than judging anyone that does like these things btw)

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Klavier Gavin is very confident in what(?) he wants. Possibly more than any other character in Ace Attorney. Whilst every other prosecutor/defender is off creating convoluted roundabout methods of showing that they care for others, he's just straight up offering the opposition his help from the get go.

okay EEF. hi! you’re gonna get compliments now

just wanted to talk abt your music taste. ur emo music tastes are obviously awesome and thanks for the recs a while back! (you can give me more if you want just sayin) and your music taste is superb. mcr? TOP TIER, no duh. even tho i don’t listen to them often, they’re still awesome and probably one of my fave bands (not just music wise, how well known n stuff)

ok but remember when me you n oliver were talking abt byler and laufey and when you brought up that promise was so mike coded? yea you guys are awesome i think that time will be in my mind forever (spinning it around in the microwave of which i call my brain)

ok i know you had a scott pilgrim hyperfixation before the anime came out and i never really understood why (didn’t see the movie or read the comics i’ll read the comics dw) but oh my god. now ik why you like it so much it’s so. near and dear to my heart just. THE CHARACTERS AND THE PLOT my god. magnificent

ok but you’re super duper kind and have talked to me a lot and are super funny. cracks me up like an egg fr. you’re an extrovert (ik ur personality type started with an E) and super easy to talk to (/pos btw) and it’s nice to talk to you because of that. we could be talking about byler and then start talking about something completely unrelated.

anyways happy new years, see you in 2024!

DERRICK I MIGHT CRY WHAT THE FUUUUUUCCCCCKKK. IM SORRY 4 SUCH A L8 REPLY BTW I WAS HOSTING A NYE PARTY W MY IRLS

ANYWAYS IDEK WHERE 2 START. I SHOULD PROBABLY SOTP USING CAPS BUT FUCK THAT. OK SO. FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY NEW YEARS I HOPE UR 2024 IS SO CRAZY GOOD ‼️‼️‼️

NEXT, I WANT 2 SAY THAT U HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD MUTUAL AND FRIEND UR SO FUNNY AND SILLY AND IT’S FUCKING AWESOME UR COMPLIMENTS R HITTING SO HARS BC WAAAKWKSM

ok i think im good now n can stop using caps. ur so real!!!!! i fucking LOVE spvtw spto n all of its related content ITS SO GOOD 😭😭 I AM SO HAPPY THE ANIME HAS INTRODUCED MORE PPL TO IT IT’S A BREATH OF FRESH AIR OR WTEVER THAT 1 PHRASE IS

ACTUALLY FOING ALL OVER THE PLACE THIS IS NOT IN ORDER I AM SOOOO SORRY. NEXT, i also remember that!!!!!! it was so fun 2 talk about!!! i think i have fun talking 2 u in general ngl :]]]

THANKKKK UUUUU 4 THE COMPLIMENTS ON MY MUSIC TASTE I LUV MUSIC SM SO ITS SO GOOD TO HEAR SOMEONE ACTUALLY ENJOY THE RECS I GIVE THEM

also just realized that “done with cpas” thing was a lie SORRY IT JUST FEELS RIGHT!!!! n e ways tysm again!!!! i thought abt saying more but noen of it would make sense asi am so tired 💔 happy new years, finn :]]]]]

FIGHTING the urge to apologize for apologizing sagdjakka😭 I'm going to let this one pass because sleep won't let me argue, but my point remains. wait, this is actually really cute 🥺 I'm waiting for the jury's answer

OKAY, you reached your goal many times and I probably didn't mention half of them. but it's a secret shhhh. Since we've already talked about how we don't take long to respond, I'm just going to say once again that we are to be congratulated, we're great at not taking too long to reply. but this time I kind of had to do it, it was much bigger than me, and I only did it....twice, I think? 🤔

come on rubix, get up because I'm going to take you to interact with the world... or not, socializing is horrible and I don't like it. just sit and chill is better.

okaaaayyyy okay no need for threats, I'll say, just please don't do anything to my cat. I was just distracted, you know? people sometimes get distracted... and stuff like that...was it a good explanation? lots of “buts” and lots of “unless”, now I know what you feel when I don’t finish a sentence.

I hope you were able to be productive and get some stuff done. beating these demons mind with a broom is a good ideakshskskskk I'm doing well but I'll do more as soon as I go to sleep. good night! :) completely ignore the difference in timezonesb and I hope you understand something of what I said in these answers lmao.

– 🌟

asldkkd i want to make fun of you but i’m the same way lmao. idk, you not arguing equals me being right in my book so thank you to your tired brain for letting me win. i agree, it's cute af, too bad you haven't earned the right for me to use that nickname 👀 the jury is feeling nice right now but that doesn't mean they’ll go easy on you later.

thank you for admitting it, i can sleep peacefully now. although maybe don't keep it a secret next time ‘cause i like to reach my goals which means you have to let me know if i’m making you smile. we definitely deserve those congratulations. especially because we didn't lose track of the conversations despite our tiredness so 👍

make up your mind, do you want me to go interact with more people or not? ‘cause i’m fine just talking to you, ngl. [i do have one good friend though so it's not like i’m completely lonely…i think]

you have a cat??? i definitely don't want to know more. i wouldn't say it was a good explanation but i’ll let it slide because we're both tired. but you're gonna have to start finishing your sentences at some point or i’ll start looking desperate 🤨

well, i managed to post a fic so i call that a success in my book. good night, little star. [technically good morning ‘cause you're already asleep ‘cause of the timezone difference]

Life is surprisingly good. I'm mostly chilling for now. Gonna go to a club with some friends I made these days

I've made a few friends. Ppl are really nice and I'm happy ngl.

I'm so glad me and my roommate get along really well after last year cause last year I couldn't truly feel comfy and all that bcs me and the roommate I had then weren't really compatible

In the weekend I'm seeing a friend from the old dorm and he moved too which is even funnier. Neither of us felt last year's dorm

That's quite it

I hope my teachers will be nice and I also hope for a good place to do my practice at cause that's the most important part

Most of the teachers I have this year I know. It should be a pleasant year ngl. Besides writing my thesis, which would be the hard part, the rest should be pretty easy and manageable

~🦊

You’re literally making me jealous because all I can do rn is sit back and have no friends (it’s complicated lol) and watch others be happy💀[im exaggerating mostly]

But I am sure you’ll have the best year frfor

Happy 2H Profection Year!

Or something.

I was supposed to make this entry a week ago. But in between juggling my PMDD, job, personal projects, and all the planetary happenings since Leo season started, I decided it was best to slow down and keep a close check on my health first.

But I digress. Mentally speaking, I'm actually doing better these days. My body feels quite beat though. The commute in this country is dogshit.

It was a rainy night when I first started writing this, I was sitting alone at a dinner reservation, waiting for my advanced birthday dinner. I wanted to do something different for my birthday after all I've gone through. It was normal for me to spend it alone, but I hadn't really done anything special for me before. And so after a weekend of deliberation, I booked myself a dinner reservation at a place I've long wanted to try and also bought myself a limited-edition dress back in July.

Getting to the place was easy. I had already placed a deposit, and I loathe to waste anyone's time. Wearing the dress though, was a different matter entirely. It was a long, pretty thing. I was afraid of being judged as over-the-top and self-indulgent. In the end, I managed to convince myself to wear my oversized dress after seeing a couple of Genshin cosplayers during my commute. Slay, kiddos! And thank you. It was also my alma mater's graduation day at the time, so I guess we're all having our very own special days that day.

I ordered an extra upper tea along with my meal because quite honestly, I can never quite shake the melancholia that overcomes me the week my birthday rolls around. I once dreamed of having a huge birthday party. Make it an adult debut so to speak, since I didn't feel like I could do one back when I turned 18. Yet today, I chose to celebrate by myself. I didn't even invite any family lol

My 24th/1H profection year was a doozy. I'd like to say it was a net positive. I graduated (finally!!), got a job, started embracing my AuDHD. But I also lost my cat (death) and lost some friends (betrayal). So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Honestly, it felt like my 12H year was still pranking me.

The 2H year deals with values. And from this point on, I'd like to start valuing myself more, start being more unapologetic for who I am. It's not just about the money--though that's a relationship I'm also working on. It's not enough that I'm no longer passively suicidal--I want to make space for myself too. And I want to own that space in spite of the people that tell me I'm unworthy.

Which is just a long-winded way of me saying that this dinner is part of my baby steps in living more as myself. I already watch movies, shop, eat, etc. by myself. But I'm ngl, the dinner reservation still felt like an uneasy growth because all attention was on me. It's not like when you're performing as part of a group. You can just mirror and fade into the background. When people are being attentive of you, just you, you (I, at least) sometimes catch yourself trying to look as dignified as your meal.

Or you can relax. Unclench and unmask. Most I'll do is straighten my back.

One day, it would be nice to have people celebrate me in my terms. But this one has stopped waiting. From now on, I celebrate each day as myself. Later on, I might even have the guts to do some shopping in my day dress. If people will look at me for being weird anyway, I might as well serve them a feast to look at.

I cannot tell you how much it hurts my heart to read your feelings about your mom. I lost a very close relationship with my brother because of the extreme right lies and trump crap. I don't think i have spoken to him in a year outside of birthday and holiday wishes. As a mom of 4, ages 16 to 23, I have 1 that has come out as bi, 1 as a lesbian, 1 is straight and my oldest says labels are for soup cans. I'm not your momma, and I wouldn't want to budge in where I don't belong, but I am proud of you. You are a hard working, sweet, intelligent young lady who genuinely cares about others feelings. I have seen posts from you where you could've dived into the mud and dragged people and you don't do that. You take the high road. You are patient with repeated questions and still answer each one no matter how many times they come up. I have yet to see you make someone feel stupid. In times like now, these characteristics are rare. Most people don't want to show they care at all. Being bi is just part of it. I wish I could tell you it will definitely get better and your mother will come to her senses, but it could take a long time or never happen at all. But she could have an epiphany. I admit I rage verbally at the news, sometimes I rant and rave like a mad woman. but I don't think politicians, the government and the church have the right to decide how human a person is. I know you didn't ask for all this, that you were venting. But I hear you. And I accept everything about you.

thank you so much for this ask. your kind words made me tear up. i appreciate you reaching out to me to say all of this. it's nice to see something like this unexpectedly.

i will say outside of politics, my mom and i get along really well. she's been my best friend since i was a kid, even more so now since i don't have any physical friends. it's just when it comes to politics we do not agree AT ALL. which is why i do my best to remind her every time she starts to talk about politics that i just don't want to hear bc it just becomes a screaming match.

i just wish at times i knew how to debate better, or had all the facts. bc i usually just get too angry to even speak and just have to walk away bc i don't want to scream at my mom. and she likes to act like she knows everything and that i know so little when in reality i'm paying attention to the news just as much as her, the difference is i just don't watch fox news and don't listen to whatever bullshit they're trying to make ppl angry about now.

i will say my saving grace is that while my mom is republican and likes trump, she isn't a maga person. she's not all about him, and she's not devoted to him like some of his followers are. she's just a somewhat-conservative, republican. she isn't into qan*n and all that shit, thank god. she's mostly level headed, she just…. watches way too much fox news. and i do also have the benefit of my brother, who is very good at debating and is on my side for the most part. i wouldn't say he's a leftist like me, but he doesn't agree with her and ngl i kinda always love hearing them debate bc he says all the shit i wish i knew how to word. he points out a lot of her hypocrisies.

as i mentioned in the tags of my post, i think once my father passed away, her jadedness for life just... grew. i think she lost a lot of her empathy for ppl when he died since that was her soulmate. and it breaks my heart to see her change like this, but i understand her hurt. she was like this too back when her father passed away, but i was four or five when this happened, so i never noticed. but her and my dad talked about it before as i got older and how she just stopped caring for a while. so i'm kinda hoping things will swing back around eventually.

and growing up, i had a really good home life. a safe one too, which i know a lot of ppl (and a lot of my ex-friends) couldn't say the same so i'm grateful for my parents. my mom had a really hard life, and life hasn't been easy for us in a very long time. i get her frustration, i get her anger. however, she's taking it out on the wrong ppl and it's just easier to punch down than up. so i try my best to give her the empathy she doesn't give others anymore.

my life hasn't been easy either. i've had depression and anxiety since i was 13, and have tried to end my life twice. all the financial struggles my family has had i have had. but i think what sets me apart from my mom is that i don't want to be angry. i don't want to hold onto that stuff the rest of my life. i know i won't make it if i do. the pain and anguish i've dealt with makes me understand ppl, not wish others feel the same as me. i don't want ppl to suffer like i have. and i don't want to grow envious of those that have it easier than me.

one of the worst things she ever told me growing up was "once you get older, you'll understand how the real world works. you'll be just as jaded as me and your father." and i made a promise to myself that would never happen. and so far i'm sticking to it. i just find it strange that the ppl, the person, that taught me to be kind isn't kind anymore. or at least is decidedly kind, which is almost worse in my opinion.

(and as i said in my previous post i don't feel unsafe to come out, i just don't want to deal with the hassle of having to explain myself. i'm a grown adult, if i want to fuck somebody and that somebody is a woman, or even identifies as something else entirely, it really doesn't matter what my mom has to say about it. i'm not a teenager anymore hoping my mom approves. tbh i just want her to know and to accept it as normal so if it ever happens it's not breaking news lol)

Living with Losing You - 11/3/2022

Cooked a meal at home for the first time in a long time!

That was good. I will get into that later on. 

I woke up to texts from Dom that him and Annie had their baby! The pictures were so precious. Ugh, it was so hard to see, I am not going to lie. I had this image of us, getting married, having kids. I would picture what you would have looked like once you saw me in my wedding dress. I imagined the excitement you’d feel whenever i’d get the chance to tell you we were expecting. How you could have been an incredible husband and father. It breaks my heart. 

Today was another meeting heavy in the AM / travel day. I had a 7am meeting, took Sadie to Mary’s, then picked up breakfast and had therapy at 9am. I was happy to have therapy today. I really hope that I can get CBT therapy done sooner, and my therapist said that she is actually going to try and see what she can do to help get me into that sooner. Therapy was good though. Real talk, everyone should be in it. It is so healthy to be able to talk about issues and try to work through them. She is so sweet and always impressed with my work ethic and drive, which means a lot. 

After therapy I quickly got my stuff together and headed to GM. I drove around a lot today, and I started to listen to Badflower again. They’re such a good band. Pretty much dominated the playlist today. Anyway, I had a meeting minutes after I arrived onsite, but still was able to make time to talk to both of the employees that were there. One of them asked what happened with me over the summer, so I opened up and told her about you. Someone else also asked about it at our OS location. Today was a very transparent day, but we really gotta #breakthestigma. It is never easy to talk about, but I try to view it from the perspective that me being open about it could help someone else feel less alone. Anyway, after GM, I quickly ran to ENCI to drop off more uniforms / posting, to pick up an iPad, then head to OS. The iPad was for someone who was training in OS. I ended up staying in OS and talking to every employee that works there. It was nice to catch up with them all. It felt like I had blinked and it was past 2pm. I decided to head home, and it was clocking me at about 52 minutes to get back. The route that it took me was 5 south, which I honestly had not done since you died. At least not from that direction. It made me sad to pass the apartment we used to live at in La Jolla, UCSD, etc. It feels like yesterday we were snuggling in that bed playing a crossword together. If I think too hard about it, it destroys me. I drove home (got here at around 3:30pm), quickly changed ate some snacks, and then drove to the H.S. Today was a semi - speed day, and the boys did fine with today too. Luckily today I got there at around 4:12pm.

Once the boys were done practicing, I went and picked up Sadie. From there, I headed home to drop her off, then went to the store to buy some groceries to make dinner. I really wanted to just buy food, but I have been talking about going to the store for ages and I wanted to try and at least start this process of a meal a day then building off of that. Sprouts was POPPIN’. The line was luckily quick though. I ended up going home and making steak with mushrooms, jasmine rice, and a salad. I was proud of myself for doing it! While I was doing that, I was FT-ing a friend. Once I finished with the dinner (I had dessert too, NGL) I started to look through my songs books / prep for tomorrow. For the remainder of the night, that’s what I have been doing. Prepping for tomorrow and writing this blog. I also got into a bit of a deep dive on your phone. I has the thought cross my mind - did you ever actually initiate the conversation about getting engaged? Besides the fact that we tried on rings in Franklin. The answer to that was yes, you had actually. I found the messages on your phone. It is so hard to think about because I struggle with the fact that you could have had such a beautiful like. WE could have had a beautiful life. It just took sobriety and working through your BPD. I wish we actually has diagnosed you, because it is treatable. It is hard to not feel a little envious of the love around me. Not saying it’s healthy, just saying it’s human. 

I do need to sign off soon though, because I am wiped and I have a long day tomorrow. i also have an early morning meeting at 8am. Well, semi-early. 

I would like to run tomorrow, but it’s been SO damn cold. 

We will see how I feel. 

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols. 

10/1/993 - 7/16/2022