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thestalwartheart · 4 months

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I'm writing the saddest Bond fic in the world, and because it'll probably never get finished, I'm going to bullet point it here because I need people to cry with. It's 5000 words at the moment. I think I need it to be about 30,000.

After the events of NTTD, Q is grieving Bond. Privately, he is also grieving that Bond being the one who got away, or at least the one who would not stay. They slept together once, in the aftermath of Skyfall death, and as Q says in the fic, it was "the pinnacle of my years-long journey into vastly unrequited love."

After snapping at Mallory during a meeting, Mallory schedules Q some psychology appointments. There are snippets of these appointments throughout the fic.

Q throws out all his plants. Replaces them with sculptural bits and pieces from around the lab.

Over a year on from Bond's death, MI6 recruits a new 004. His name is Edward Jones. He's tall and lithe, with auburn hair, an excellent sense of humour, and no outwardly visible baggage. He takes an interest in Q.

But Q refuses -- categorically refuses -- to ever get involved with an agent again. That was an unspoken rule before Bond died, and now it's non-negotiable.

Except Q is no good at sticking to the rules. He's just as bad as Bond was, really. Edward is charming, and though he asks Q to dinner, he doesn't press after Q refuses him. Instead, perhaps having talked to Nomi or Moneypenny, he is simply there. All the time. He becomes a shoulder to lean on and a friend, despite all Q's attempts to distance himself.

But then...Mallory asks Q to help on a project that will reverse the effects of Heracles, and Q snaps. Already feeling a colossal amount of guilt for telling Bond it couldn't be fixed, Q cannot deal with the thought of coming up with a cure when he cannot administer it to the one person who deserved to be cured.

Distraught, stressed and full of fury at everything, he sleeps with Edward that night. And -- shock horror! -- sex works as an excellent temporary coping mechanism, so Q keeps sleeping with him. Against all his rules, he's given into his heart again.

“Who was he?” asks Edward, one day, as Q is making breakfast. / “Who was who?”/ “Whoever you’re trying to forget when you’re with me.”

“You’re a bastard,” snaps Q, another day, when Edward pushes too hard. / “Is that me you’re talking to, or him?”

After the above fight/angry sex/make up sex combo, Edward goes away on a mission and gets shot.

Q, reeling, doesn't visit him in hospital. Though he wants to, he thinks it's smarter to stay away. Best not get too attached (Oh, Q! we're crying, you're already attached!!!)

Edward, unsurprisingly does not take this well. “Enjoy living with your ghosts, Quartermaster,” he says, before going home to heal and get very drunk.

And maybe it's the getting shot bit, or maybe it's that they're making progress on a cure for Heracles, or maybe it's Moneypenny finally shaking Q until something comes loose, but Q cannot sleep. He feels sick about Edward. He feels awful. What kind of Quartermaster doesn't visit an injured agent? What kind of friend doesn't? What kind of lover, casual or not?

Plagued with guilt and realising he feels more for Edward than he ever intended to, Q turns up at arse-o-clock in the morning, in the rain to Edward's flat. Amongst other things, he says:

“He was an agent. Another Double-0." and

"I'm so sorry." and

“I spent nearly a decade of my life hiding that I loved him, from myself, him, and anyone else who might have wanted to hear. It’s the biggest regret I have. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again.”

Hot, passionate, intense, slow make up sex.

After a few more missions, Edward tells Q, "I'm finished. I enjoyed the job, but I only loved it because it led me to you."

They take a visit to Skyfall, where Q runs into Kincade and talks to Bond's grave where he says, among other things:

"Hello, James. I hope you’re getting some well-earned rest." and

“I love him. Eve told me you would want to hear that. I’m not so sure. You always were a bit of a possessive prick about the other agents having what was yours.” and

“I still love you. I think I will until the end of my days. It’ll be a privilege to carry you with me. Whatever small part of you I had.”

Q is in a daze most of that night. In the morning, he apologises to Edward for all the tears, and Edward replies:

“Never — and I do mean never — apologise for loving someone, especially not as well as you loved him."

Cue the I love yous and sex.

They return to London, where the Heracles cure has hit a roadblock. Q tells Mallory he wants nothing to do with the project anymore. However it turns out, it wasn't his burden to carry in the first place. He wants to be free of it.

The story ends in a quintessential English garden: Kendal in the spring. It's years later, and Edward brings Q a cup of tea in the garden, where Q is trying to read Les Misérables and failing. Instead, he's taking notes in the margins on hummingbirds.

They look up to see a red kite soaring through the air. Q things wistfully of Bond. It's a dull hurt, now, not the scraping raw thing that it was when he met Edward. Bond would probably enjoy Q remembering him in the wings of a bird of prey; always free.

Q still loves London, but he thinks he can imagine another life, a few years away yet, watching the birds in the Lake District and working in his shed, with Edward reading a book at his side.

FIN.

#00q #q/omc #james bond #my fic

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saltpepperbeard · 7 months

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Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

I'm a bit late to answering this, anon, so pardon the tardiness, but I think it says something that this still holds weight/relevancy even after a bit of pause.

I can totally understand the frustration because I too have seen some absolutely WILD takes. And I don't even go into the main tags, nor am I on Twitter, yet I STILL manage to see whispers of things in my peripherals. I have seen some things similar to what you mentioned that made me just...goggle. I could genuinely just do nothing but...GOGGLE. GAWK, GAPE, AND GOGGLE HSDJKLS.

I of course invite you to hang in this little Safe Spaceship Corner, because so many people are trying to maintain a steady course throughout all of this. But even still, it's frustrating that one can't even really go into the fandom space on Twitter or into the tags without being BOMBARDED. And I'm upset that it has to be that way. I'm upset that people are legitimately finding it difficult to interact with the space, or even enjoy the material now.

And again, AGAIN, I still maintain my opinion that his fans are allowed to be sad/angry/upset by his death. I totally get that. But what I do NOT subscribe to is attempting to pull everyone else down into that and painting it all to be some sort of "personal attack." Or just...throwing any sort of vitriolic label at it in an attempt to "justify" the upset instead of just...sitting with that upset.

Like...It's a story. You may not like it. And that's totally okay. There are things in this season I didn't particularly like. But that's MY opinion, and based off MY personal preferences, not the fault of those who decided to share their story with me. It's not some betrayal, or vendetta, or anything of the sort. And it's such a shame that it's being painted as such and THEN some.

#Answered #Anons #OFMD #OFMD Season 2 #and isn't it also saying something that i'm not tagging him PFFFF #isn't it saying something that i KNOW that's basically painting a big ol' target #it's just so sad really #and i've definitely noticed the drop in energy/excitement since then #the atmosphere has felt very different since...#well TECHNICALLY since 6/7 because those were narratively jarring too #but definitely since 8 #and it's sad because this is such a special show and so many people have worked to bring it to us #and so many of US have worked to continue carrying the excitement #but now there's just this dark cloud hanging overhead #BUT still anon #STILL #i fight to continue sailing on #to continue focusing on the good #turning that poison into positivity #and you're more than welcome to just come here and REST #to take a breather in a sunnier spot

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swampgallows · 2 months

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i straight up get violent now when i hear people say "post covid". covid has completely fucked up my life and career. it's kept me from getting the medical care i need because even healthcare facilities won't take precautions anymore, leading to a threat of being infected on top of my original problems.

it has permanently fucked up the lives of some of my closest friends. my best friend was infected for the third fucking time last week; he takes every precaution imaginable, even getting his groceries delivered, but was infected by the person preparing his fucking taxes. another of my best friends now needs an inhaler and walking stick and isn't even 30 yet. yet another close friend most likely has long covid, suffering short term memory problems and a chronic chest cough despite normal xrays. another friend has lost over a dozen family members since the pandemic began, with his father, brother, and uncle all passing away in December 2020.

i want to say that people who reflexively knee jerk say "covid is over" are living in a bubble, but i think the more accurate reality is that they've forced people like me and my friends to live in a gutter.

i can't write any more. I'm so fucking tired of having to be angry about this. i am in a really bad place mental health wise and wish i could go get help but i can't imagine anywhere more likely to catch covid than a ward, save for an actual covid wing of a hospital.

if i get covid, i could die. i have a blood disorder that already impairs my iron and clotting and oxygen levels, and a single infection of covid could result in a stroke. if i don't die of stroke, it could disable me for life. if i don't have a stroke, i could still get a clot that leads to pulmonary embolism. or i could just be saddled with long covid or chronic fatigue as my anemia disables me. this is the risk i face every single time i go out in public. any encounter could kill or disable me. and it is me against literally the entire world. i am told over and over that me and my friends are not worth protecting, that we're expendable, that we're "those people" who would have died of something anyway. we have mental illness, or chronic illness, or are trans, or people of color, or even a combination of these things, so society is fine isolating and killing us.

this is all ive had to think about as ive watched it be reinforced by everyone -- friends, family, communities, leaders -- for the past four years. every waking moment spent in hypervigilance and exhaustion and depression, mourning the life i had, the present life i could be having, the future i want being withheld from me. mourning, and yet still not having the space or time to grieve, because it is still going on. it is still happening. there are still thousands of deaths a week, and that's nothing to say of who is becoming disabled.

i just want to breathe air. in public. i want to be able to access healthcare without the threat of being infected. i want to go outside. i want to be able to get a job where i don't have to fear that my coworkers or the general public can literally kill me in complete ignorance. i want being in public to not require a particulate respirator.

i am sick of being told that these requests are unreasonable and that i might as well just die because infection is inevitable. at this point it's a race to see if my misery will kill me before covid does.

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bee-dot-exe · 5 months

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Alright. Okay. Buckle up. I'm making this post I guess.

I'm gonna be honest, when I suddenly saw someone post on here and the caption or hashtag said something like "Forever neg", I just. Didn't read it. I didn't really read anything that came up on my dash with his name actually because it was 95 percent negative. And I wanted to wait to see if he would say anything or share his side or whatever before I read anything or saw any opinions of what could potentially not be the same for the sake of my own mental health really. And when I went to where the search bar and trending tabs are and saw that a recommended tag to follow was "Forever situation" I was actually mad.

Well he went live while I was asleep or doing something and I didn't know, so when I saw something here saying he had been live, I didn't read it, but I opened the vod so fast.

And I cried. Not hard. But I did.

First off, I would like to say I appreciate Forever for going live and talking about this at all, he could've waited much longer to say anything or just brushed past it entirely, but he didn't. That doesn't mean the subject of the stream was okay, I just am glad he said something at all.

What he did was really bad. Like not okay at all. But I also believe that some people, absolutely not every person, but some, can grow up and try to change. And I would really like to believe that Forever is one of those people. I am not defending him in the slightest, I am not denying anything, but I also am taking into consideration that this happened some eight years ago.

I don't know if I will look at him completely the same or support him with every inch of my being again since knowing this, but I do wish him the best in whatever comes next in his life, be that projects or furthering his relationship or whatever.

I will still occasionally make him a subject or mention him in things I write because I'm not writing about ccForever, I'm writing about qForever, and his character meant and still means so much to me.

I've had anxiety my whole life, this past like month has been especially bad, and I've felt genuinely a bit sick since I watched. I just can't stop thinking about it. I have only known about Forever for like four months, but his character and therefore him as a creator, have been wrapped around my brain. People say things, namely Badboyhalo, that he is like the sun kind of joking, but it truly does kind of feel like it.

And that's it. He ended stream with a montage of clips from the server with Cucorucho shooting him point blank. No more interactions or lore or theories.

I'm saying this once and I hope that's all the times I need to say it.

We are not going to do anything or urge anyone to say anything further on the matter to anyone if they don't want to talk about it. Not to Quackity or the QSMP team. Not to other creators. Not to friends or family of his. Not to other fans past or present. Not to Forever.

We are allowed to be angry or confused or even grieve. But we will do it privately and be respectful.

Goodbye Forever.

#mcyt #qsmp #forever player

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singing-bones · 25 days

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kind of a ramble about vague personal stuff dw 'bout it

it's weird how fast you can just go from being angry and hurt about something to just realizing it doesn't matter anymore. like, i had been hurt deeply at the time, and back then it DIDN'T feel like i'd recover, that my whole world as i knew it was ruined and it isn't. i moved on. i got better. i met better people. my life feels, though not ideal, far better than it was before in terms of company. i don't want to say the loss doesn't matter to me anymore and it's just 'in the past', because to some extent i still do grieve. not really because i miss said person, just that i kind of grieve the loss of a best friend. not the person who made those mistakes and hurt people in the same way over and over again, but the GOOD parts of that person, and the fun we had. because it's a lie to act like they weren't a massive influence over my life. i was stepping into adulthood with them by my side. i went through a lot of life changing events with them just as a constant near me. i know what they did. and there's not really any excusing that, it hurt me a bunch of other people, REALLY BADLY. that's always just going to linger no matter what. i just don't really want to hold on to resentment anymore and i won't miss them anymore, either. it's kind of just. accepting the hole, and filling it with other, healthier things. i've spent a lot of time in isolation since i've gotten sick. and a lot of it has just been a lot of thinking, i guess. i realized that all of my past relationships up to this point had conditioned me to a specific type of dynamic, and sometimes a certain kind of abuse. i've since expected that sort of power play in everything else. and... normal people. just don't work like that. at all. and i'm not actually as bad off as i thought i was, i just kept getting stuck in the same cycles that wouldn't let me have the revelations on how to maintain healthy relationships with other people, and to be more frank, a relationship with myself. and now that i have i guess it doesn't feel as hopeless. i'll still get stuck in lonely ruts, but i'm less reliant on other people's company and more okay with myself i guess. not everything about me has to be for other people.

#anyway massive shout out to my boyfriend for making me more sane by just being a normal person

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processingabuse · 9 months

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... is it sick that one of the things that kept me alive when I was suicidal is that I didn't want my parents to receive sympathy? That the idea that I would be dead and my mom would be the grieving mother of a dead child and the victim and no one would know or talk about what she did to me? It's not that I need everyone to know everything if I'm alive, I know what happened and at the end of the day that's enough for me. And it's not that I wanted to live to prove something to my parents, spite is not a good motivator for me and the entire point of leaving the abuse is that I'm no longer living for them. "Fuck you, you couldn't kill me!" doesn't work either because they abused me to the point that I was in pain enough to be considering suicide so that's really not even true, and that's not my shame to carry. It was so bad that it almost killed me and that's not because I wasn't strong enough, it's because they were abusive. But the thought that they could kill me and no one would know? THAT terrified me and was enough to keep me going. The idea that people would tell my parents they "shouldn't feel guilty" and "there's nothing you could have done" and "you tried your best", makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not saying that those statements aren't true in some cases of suicide, but in my case it just isn't. I'm sure people say somewhat similar things to them about they're daughter going no contact with them, but I am making a choice to protect my peace. It still hurts and makes me angry sometimes when I see evidence of that happening (accidentally, I don't go looking for it) but the trade-off to that is that I'm alive and living a life outside of abuse. I could defend myself, I've decided it's not worth the effort. But for that to be happening but in an even more intense way while my life is over and I will never experience joy or happiness again, for that injustice to be occurring while I'm in the ground, that disgusts me. It's one thing to get out of the abuse and to just let it be, to thrive or not to thrive without my parents knowing about it either way, to owe nothing to them, and just let other people think what they want. What I get out of that is freedom from them. But my death would become all about my parents and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. Everything I tried to get away from in my life would be how I was remembered. There are people who know what my childhood was really like, but at the end of the day it wouldn't be enough to override my parents. My story is my story because I'm living it, even if it's sad and unremarkable. If I killed myself my abusers would have the final word, and I can't let that happen.

#tw suicude #suicide tw #trauma #traumatized #emotional abuse #cptsd problems #child abuse #cptsd healing #mental illness #abuse survivor #parental abuse #cptsd life

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areyoudoingthis · 7 months

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Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

YIKES. sorry your fandom space has turned into this anon. you can absolutely talk to me about the show any time you want, I'm on loving s2 lockdown for the next two years

i know that the atmosphere is completely fucked in some spaces, but personally, i've opted to block everyone with a bad take on sight and focus on the things i love about the show, because i realized that three days after the finale of one of my favorite seasons of tv ever made, the izzy ferals were completely taking over the conversation and i was hearing more about their deranged rants than about the things I'm actually here for (ed, stede, ed&stede, the crew, the wonderful season of tv we somehow managed to get in spite of hbo being horrible)

i get that it sucks that these people are out there harassing the writers and other fans because of their fixation with the one white guy they don't even really understand in the first place, and that their interpretations of the show overall are absurd and annoying, but this is the internet, unfortunately those takes aren't likely to go away any time soon (i've even heard they're starting their own conspiracy theories about how izzy isn't really dead, which brings back sooo many memories from so many different fandoms)

the point is they're not going to change their minds no matter how angry we get, so why waste our energy on yelling back at them when they're not even capable of hearing. let's make our arguments for ourselves, to reaffirm our love for the show, to have fun discussing our very sexy correct takes, to praise the writing and the acting and the costumes and the music and every bit of work that went into making this season. allow me to be cheesy and quote my guy here: let's turn the poison into positivity

#i am at heart someone who wants to be happy #so i married the block button early on in my ofmd days #i also only ever went on twitter to fight to renew shadowhunters and ran away from it as soon as we got a proper ending #that website is fucking nuts #i do not understand how any of you survive there #mentally these days I'm holding hands with my mutuals going “remember when” and mentioning every bit of s2 that comes to mind

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attackedastoria · 1 year

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I have too many feelings

So like, it's bad enough that I'm completely fucking traumatized from my mother having a psychotic break and physically assaulting me multiple times. I spent an entire week monitoring her with barely sleeping because I was honestly terrified of her. And guess what!! I was right to be, because I found MULTIPLE KNIVES hidden in her room she was probably planning to use because I wouldn't let her leave the house! So yes, I am STILL fucking traumatized by that, and no amount of "Oh its just the disease it wasn't really her" IS NOT GOING TO FIX THAT. christ, I still wake up in a cold sweat panicking because I hear a noise that sounds like floorboards creaking, thinking its her. So no, I'm not fucking over it, and no, I don't really wanna go see her in the fucking psychiatric hospital yet. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that my mother, my best friend, is essentially dead and some psychotic stranger is wearing her skin. Forgive me if I'm a little fucking fucked up about it.

Oh, but that's not all! Two days after mom is taken away, I get to be informed that my family is selling the house asap, because of course, they failed to get her proper insurance coverage despite assuring me it was all handled. So now they're freaking out about the cost, and they want me out ASAP. Because I have soooo much money to make that happen in the middle of January. Its not like I haven't been able to work properly for 2 years due to taking care of my stepfather, and then my mother. Apparently I'm supposed to just pull housing and money out of my asshole for that! And it's all my fault for not planning properly, you know, when I was under the impression her disease was still being managed well and she had another few years before any worse progression. I should have somehow gotten a job while also looking after her 24/7. Yup.

Also, fuck whatever is going on with my mental health that makes me struggle the entire past year, I'm totally not suffering caretaker burnout, yelling at me is definitely the best motivating course of action.

Luckily, I have a Saint for a best friend willing to give me shelter, but its across the country, so it's going to take some time to plan the move and you know, find a fucking place to live. But oh no, that's not acceptable! You need to be gone ASAP! Also, while you're struggling with your personal housing and mental crisis, please work 12hrs a day packing and cleaning the house so we can put it on the market asap! WORK FASTER YOU LAZY CUNT YOURE NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH, ITS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO!! God. I've been tempted to really fuck them over by claiming tenants rights so I have longer to prepare, but I know they'd just completely shut me off from moms money which I need right now.

I know they can't wait to get rid of me and never see me again(and honestly, same at this point), but I just... I'm so fucking exhausted. Mental, emotionally, physically. I've had zero time or room to grieve. My entire life is being uprooted with zero preparation or warning. I have to rehome our dog because no one in the family can take him. I'm also sick now with some kind of hell cold. I just... I've contemplated killing myself so many times the past few weeks, because what's the point? I'm tired of being in constant despair. I'm tired of being angry. I'm just fucking TIRED.

Fuck. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.

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nonsubstantial · 1 year

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I hate my supervisors so much, fuck all managers, fuck work, and power truly does corrupt people dude. There are people who went from being my friends, to a year later accusing me of not meeting workplace standards, and threatening to fire me, and claiming that I don't communicate with them, and blaming me for THEIR incompetence, all for reasons that are so asinine and obvious that it makes my brain do cartwheels just thinking about it.

And it really says a lot about society and workplace culture that I have to go back to work tomorrow while I am still testing COVID positive, with symptoms of coughing, and runny nose, and headache, and severe exhaustion, to do a labor intensive job, in the cold, where I come into frequent contact with people.

And management simply does not give a fuck, never asks me how I'm feeling or what THEY can do to help, only chastises me for "not communicating" with them, after they text me at 6am telling me to come into work while I am still SLEEPING AND SICK WITH COVID.

And it makes me so fucking angry that our dumb fuck government criminalized the railway strike when they asked for some basic sick leave too, like our whole country simply does not give a fuck about basic human welfare, and has extensively propagandized the notion that "seeking more welfare and less work" is somehow "anti-american" or communist. As if the entire point of labor should not be to improve our lives and have more time to relax. WHY is it so crazy to want some sick leave and a house to ourselves and some fucking time off??! Our workaholic culture is so backwards and makes me so mad I want to actually destroy everything.

If my supervisors or coworkers make one comment about me "enjoying my time off" while I was staying home sick with coronavirus (WHICH I SHOULD STILL BE DOING), so help me god, I may need to seek real mental help because the only thing on my brain after that will be how I want to literally kill them. Why are we not allowed to take time off, time to recover, time to live, time to grieve, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, always work, fucking god fuck the USA it doesn't have to be like this, why

#personal #do not repost #delete later

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mouseratz · 6 months

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of course I'm reading the SH2 novel with an English fan translation.

it decides to frame Laura & Eddie's entrance to the town and confirms they entered together (though, I am considering this novel canon/still only a distinct interpretation as opposed to word of God confirmation, unless like, the developers were like oh yeah the book just says exactly everything we thought and meant), which is interesting. I'd heard others say that's what happened but I am wondering how they know each other, as in the game it's implied Eddie and Laura just met (there's a line from James like, how did you know her name? And Eddie's like, well, she told me it) as well.

also just because Laura's an orphan doesn't mean she can just. fuck off and leave wherever she wants. HOW did she get here for real who drove her here did she take a bus....whoever was watching her Fucked Up.....(although I think if the game took time to answer these questions it would be boring. but like. I still have them.)

I do like how this particular version emphasizes James' utter disgust with the monsters, and how instinctually he would like to run, but in actuality reacts with violence (and anger! he viciously hates them because they're disgusting!). which. idk if they'll go there. but almost parallels his relationship with Mary's illness- how he still loved her as a person & wanted to treat her well, but some part of him did find her disgusting as she feared, and it may have increased his resentment of her and led to him violently ending her life (the book also notes how the monsters deserve to die, despite James having little to base that assessment on other than his emotions. he's right, in this case, but if you carry that perspective over to anything else....)

and also once again yes this is an incredibly fucked up way to view someone who's sick but I do feel that's kind of the crucial point of James' character- he knows it's wrong, but instead of being able to properly grapple with that idea, why he's so disgusted and angry, the guilt makes him afraid to do anything but deny it until it comes to a head. the guilt is what makes him come to silent hill, but honestly in some way, I think could also be why he repressed these feelings until he did something terrible, didn't have the courage to acknowledge them, to properly handle them, to accept them as part of a complicated grieving process, instead shoving them away because they're ugly, too, until he couldn't handle it anymore, reaching that terrible solution.

....I also think that's why SH2 resonates so deeply with me- guilt is something I feel a lot. about everything. because my brains just built funny and I've been through an awful lot of bad things on a relatively short period of time on this earth. the game can absolutely be read as a cautionary tale around what happens when guilt guides all of your actions and how you interact with your own thoughts and feelings and your perception of the world. guilt breeds repression and this entire hell is one of repressed feelings and desires and memories.....you felt you had to protect yourself from these feelings because they were ugly, because they were frightening, and now you must harvest what you've sowed.....either face them or let them consume you.

and I absolutely love the concept that, really, the answer to this guilt is not punishment. guilt wants you to be punished, but that punishment achieves very little. your suffering will not change what you've done (but refusing to own up to it, continuing to deny, is still dangerous, as shown in Eddie's story.) you still have to choose what to do with yourself. can you live with it?

it doesn't tell you either way is right. maybe James dying is more peaceful, maybe it is the best choice for him. maybe James can live with it, though, too- he'll still have to carry it, but there could be something outside of this, maybe he will be a good friend or caretaker to Laura. We don't know. it doesn't really matter what he deserves....it only really matters what he does, because no amount of punishment will change what he did, even if you decide he is indeed 100% irredeemable and evil (which I just don't think is what you should walk away with, though- it's undeniable he did something deeply wrong, but the character is fairly nuanced imo).

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betasuppe · 2 years

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Ok as much as I love torturing you guys, I want to clear the air up, just a bit without spoiling too much because I woke up to MULTIPLE concerned asks about Emmet & his spouse today.

So, I want to hit on a few things really quick just in case anybody else is worried for our mess of a champion [I still want to respond to each of the asks individually too!], but I wanted to kinda explain myself before anyone else starts pointing the finger at Emmet's yet-to-be-introduced partner as being a toxic source in his life, because Emmet has every right to become angry & a bit of a jerk to the world for what he's been thru, so here we go:

First of all, I'm deeply sorry gang, but since I have a lot of new followers, if you were unaware...........

I'm a HUGE FAN OF VILLAINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

& that's probably gonna explain a lot with my set up for Emmet while Ingo has gone missing lol. & I especially love a good & vile villain who's sick everyone in the world & only really cares about their partner, so that's definitely gonna play into this too [hey, this AU was made by me for me, after all, so I'm peppering in my favorite tropes just because♡].

But I want you guys to consider Emmet's journey to becoming Champion like his villain origin story... Jumping back to the beginning, we have Ingo suddenly vanish, with absolutely no explanation, at all. Both brothers are major workaholics & really have so much love for their jobs, so instead of allowing himself to process all the emotions related to the fear & grief of losing his twin bro, Emmet just decides he's going to attempt to fill in for both the Single & Double subway battles, as if nothing at all is wrong.

People start picking up on it really REALLY quickly, especially when the twin in black stops making appearances on the subway, that something's up & start pestering him about Ingo's whereabouts. People literally fight to make their way to Emmet, just to harass him with question after unanswerable question about his brother.

Soon, it hits the tabloids & newspapers that one of Nimbasa's famed Subway Bosses is missing in action & they start harassing him even more, on top of the subway passengers & trainers &.... all the while, Emmet still hasn't gotten any time to grieve & is working himself down to the bone, trying to do the job of two workaholics, which is just not possible tbh.

As maybe the 2nd then 3rd week trickle by, Emmet's stressed as sin, barely eating, rarely even sleeping & is still being wracked by fear & doubts about Ingo's vanishing act. He sleeps in an office in Gear Station, not even wanting to go back to the apartment he & his twin shared. He can't catch a break from reporters & trainers & everybody & their mothers asking about his brother & what's going on. Meanwhile, Emmet himself is completely clueless & burned out & exhausted & is ready to collapse, but still keeps on a brave face & ignores all the questions & harassment, trying to do his job & his brother's all the while.

So, imagine in this state, when you can barely stay awake & on your feet, people keep antagonizing you about your much more intriguing cold case of a brother [& ignoring you, the dark circles under your eyes, & your well being all the while], & you're at your mental, physical & emotional breaking point... when someone fights their way to you FOR you & is genuinely concerned about YOU.

They look at you & see you're one teeny tiny step away from falling down & never getting back up, they don't believe you when you try to casually blow their concerns off... instead becoming even more worried for your well being.

Then, they pull you away from the work that's been killing you & away from the hoards of people antagonizing you for stories & news you don't have. They get you somewhere safe away from the world & force the first hot meal you've had in weeks into your hands & insist you get some sleep while they stay by your side & keep the rest of the ugly world away. As the days move on, they stay with you, making sure you get back up on your feet & filling in for the loneliness you've been trying to avoid, thanks to your missing sibling & closest friend.

This someone looking out for you might not have been the most important person in your life before all this happened, maybe a loose acquaintance or something like that, but try & tell me you wouldn't feel some sort of fondness for this one person who's fighting for your health & taking care of you. Tell me that you won't become bitter at the rest of the world who all overlooked you, just wanting the juicy details about the heartbreaking disappearance of your twin. Tell me that you won't push yourself into what you love most & won't become a jerk back to the world who ignored you in favor of someone more intriguing.

... at least, it all makes plenty of sense to me in Emmet's point of view. He's definitely going through a corruption arc & he's become a slick, cruel bastard, but it's not for lack of love or support. He has a good partner who is genuinely worried for his well being & is trying to help him, but ultimately, Emmet is angry with the world & doing what he does best to show them all who's boss!

.... don't think that doesn't make his & Ingo's eventual reunion any easier because it's gonna be a bumpy road too lmaooo

#nok talks #champion emmet #train twins♡#OK LONG POST BUT WORTH IT OK?#please be aware that im giving some spoilers to Emmet's situation post Ingo vanishing butttt #its my au i can alter it any time so who can say what stays or changes lol #but... in the mean time....#CORRUPTION ARC CORRUPTION ARC CORRUPTION ARC YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!!#submas #emmet #em&m

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bluejayblueskies · 3 years

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Please say more abt how Martin fits the closed off trait I'm begging 👁👁

Okay, so I got a bit carried away with this and it got quite lengthy....

I've put a TLDR above the cut and the details, transcripts, and general discussion below the cut!

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

Martin, to me, is a character who is very used to hiding how he feels. He tends to care for others at the expense of himself, has low self-esteem, and has a predilection towards the Lonely, all of which go hand-in-hand with somebody who is very used to hiding their emotions--particularly the negative ones--because they either think they're not important or that they're inconvenient and inappropriate for the situation. On a textual level, that's probably due to growing up with a sick (and likely unsupportive) mother who he had to take care of, where there was 'no time' for his emotions to get in the way or for him to prioritize himself in any way, shape, or form.

Martin is self-destructive, dislikes moments of emotional vulnerability, and (I would argue) genuinely struggles when he doesn't have somebody else to prioritize over himself. (His mother at first, but as the series goes on, Jon settles comfortably into this role for him.) Additionally, the biggest way that we, the audience, know anything about Martin's emotional state is when he's alone and self-reflecting (such as in MAG 170 and 186 or when talking to the tapes) or when he's forced to talk about something vulnerable (such as when Jon confronted him about his CV).

We don't get much insight into Martin's character between seasons one and three (at least not as much as we get in four and five), but I find myself drawn to this bit in MAG 118, when Martin is talking to Elias:

MARTIN

So what? I don’t get to be angry? I don’t get to burn things? Just, just run around, making tea, while everyone else gets to actually have feelings?

I think two things are important to note here. The first is that Elias is surprised (or least intrigued) that Martin is acting in this way--specifically, acting on his emotions in such a dramatic way. (And given that Martin is doing this as a distraction, rather than actually acting out because of his own emotions, maybe he's right to be surprised.) The second is that this line very much implies that Martin doesn't talk about how he's feeling, not like 'everyone else' does. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't act on it--just 'runs around, making tea.' And when Melanie comes back in after Elias is done, Martin immediately focuses on the plan and whether it succeeded, ignoring Melanie when she asks if he's okay or not. He closes himself off, and as far as we know, doesn't talk about it at all after that.

And then Jon goes into his coma, and we reach season four.

Martin is incredibly closed-off during season four. He's self-isolating, self-sacrificial, and approaching a state of genuine emotional numbness by the time he's cast into the Lonely. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm going to focus on a few main things, many of which can be drawn from this bit in MAG 158:

MARTIN

It’s not him! It’s not anybody. It’s just me. Always has been. I…

When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but… honestly we didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

When you started talking about the Extinction, though… you had me actually, then, for a while. But then – (laughs sardonically) then, you tried to make me the hero. Tried to sell me on the idea that I was the only one who could stop it. And that I’ve never sat right with me. I mean, I mean, look – look at me, I’m not exactly a – a chosen one. But by then I was in too deep. So I played along. Waited to see what your end game was, and here we are.

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It’s probably still a good way to get killed?

This monologue is a big insight into Martin's thought process during this season, and I'm mostly going to focus on two parts: the self-sacrifice and the prioritization of Jon.

Self-sacrifice

There's quite a bit of discussion about Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies, but less so about Martin's, both in this season and in season five. In my opinion, Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies originate from (among other things) survivor's guilt from his traumatic childhood experience with Mr. Spider, his increasing belief that he's less than human, and the fact that he prioritizes the lives of others over his own. Martin's self-sacrificial tendencies, while very similar, come from the fact that he thinks he only has worth if he can help and care for someone else and the fact that he doesn't think he's important enough to live. (For example, he says in MAG 158 that he's 'not exactly a chosen one' and says in MAG 198 that he's 'not important enough to kill.')

It's a subtle difference between these two things, and I would argue that while Jon's tendencies are more rooted in the 'help' (ie, 'I want to help other people and I will sacrifice myself to do it'), Martin's tendencies are more rooted in the 'hurt' (ie, 'I will sacrifice myself and other people will be helped in the process'). There is, of course, overlap, and it's not a black-and-white distinction between the two, but ultimately, I think Martin is so used to prioritizing others' emotions and needs above his own that when he's left mostly alone as he is at the end of season three, with the only person left to hold onto being in a coma (possibly forever), he falls back into the same patterns of self-destruction and closed-offness, only without the 'help' to go along with the 'hurt' because there is nobody left to help (especially after his mother dies). Ultimately, he joins up with Peter because he thinks it 'would be a good way to get killed.'

Prioritization of Jon

But then Jon wakes up from his coma, and now Martin has justification for his self-sacrifice again, because he can protect Jon by continuing to work with Peter!

... Maybe.

Jon isn't harmed by Peter during season four, sure, but he does climb into the coffin and visits Ny-Ålesund and is tracked down by Julia and Trevor and struggles emotionally and morally with his own humanity and is hurt, in a way, by the distance Martin puts between them. And I hesitate to place blame for the apocalypse on anybody but Jonah, but if we're going to argue in-canon that Jon was responsible for the apocalypse (he wasn't, but that's not the point of this post), then Martin contributed to that blame and responsibility because it was his actions and decisions that ultimately drew Jon into the Lonely and resulted in him getting the 14th and final mark. (Again, I don't think Jon or Martin are at fault for the apocalypse, but if we were to blame Jon, we could blame Martin as well.) It was only after getting that mark that Jonah was able to use Jon to end the world, something that was hugely hurtful for Jon. So did Martin really protect Jon at all by staying away from him and continuing to work with Peter? Or was that just a convenient excuse to keep self-destructing?

Jon and Martin, in my opinion, had very similar arcs in season four. Martin was sinking further into the Lonely and Jon was sinking further into the Eye. We hear a lot more about Jon's emotional struggle with this given that he's the POV character, sure, but Jon also talks about this with other people. He talks about it to Helen (MAG 152):

JON

…

When does it stop?

HELEN

(impatient) What?

JON

The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous?

And to Daisy (MAG 136):

JON

My – (large sigh) My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I – I don’t know if I made the right decision; I’m stronger now, tougher, I can – (he cuts himself off) If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever? I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe – stop that happening, and the only danger is to me, I – I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster.

But all we really get from Martin are the things he tells the tapes when he's alone and the monologue he gives in MAG 158. It makes sense that he wouldn't be as open, yes, given the nature of the Lonely, but I can't help but think of (MAG 154):

JON

The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it?

MARTIN

(no hesitation) You know, I think it always did.

Jon was always curious and hungry for knowledge; the Eye amplified it. Martin was always closed-off and isolated; the Lonely amplified that as well.

But then Jon pulls Martin out of the Lonely, they flee to the safehouse, and three weeks later, the apocalypse begins. Martin isn't as consumed by the Lonely as he was in season four, he's with Jon--the person he loves--for extended periods of time, and they're in an extremely stressful situation that's sure to be incredibly emotionally charged. There's a lot to be said about Jon's emotional vulnerability during season five and how Martin both pressures him for it and rejects it in different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I won't go too far into detail about the motivations behind how Jon is feeling and acting.

I will say, however, that in season five, Martin still continues to place a lot of focus on asking Jon how he's feeling, encouraging (or pressuring) him to share, and getting frustrated when Jon can't or doesn't (MAG 167):

MARTIN

Okay, so how exactly would you describe your current emotional state regarding all of this?

JON

I –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Go on, I’m all ears.

JON

I feel…

MARTIN

(go on) Mhm.

JON

(sigh) I feel… sad.

[Brief pause.] MARTIN

(flat) Sad.

JON

Very sad.

MARTIN

(*very* flat) Very sad.

[He sighs slightly as he says it. Their bags jangle.]

A few moments prior to this, Martin expresses displeasure that Jon is Knowing things about him, specifically pointing out his emotions (MAG 167):

MARTIN

It’s just – it’s weird knowing that you can know literally everything I think and feel. E-Especially since you’re not exactly the most open of people – emotionally, I mean.

I think Martin is making an effort to open up more to Jon. But I still think it's difficult for him to talk about how he feels so openly, and while he is completely in the right for not wanting Jon to Know things about him without his permission, I think it's interesting that the focus is on his feelings and that he brings up how Jon isn't emotionally open immediately after. It scares Martin to think that Jon could know, at any given moment, how he's feeling, and I think it's partially because he's not used to that level of vulnerability. He turns the focus on Jon, away from himself, and doesn't really make an effort to talk about how he's feeling about all of this, instead prioritizing Jon's feelings and mental state like he's grown comfortable with.

And when Martin bottles up his emotions--of which there are a lot, in such a stressful environment, they can explode out in hurtful ways:

MARTIN

(overlapping) I know! I know, okay, I just – (bracing exhale) Look, I j,just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever.

JON

Is that – a joke?

MARTIN

(a bit faster, a bit shaky) No, no, okay? I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!

I don't think Martin really thought about what he was saying when he told Jon, who has a large burn scar on his hand, that burn scars make him sick, and I don't think he meant it maliciously. But he'd spent the greater portion of the conversation talking around the fact that he didn't like burns and that was why he didn't want to go into the building, and so when it finally ended up coming out, it did so in an explosion of emotion rather than a conscious decision to share. Martin doesn't have a good handle on his emotions, and he doesn't have a good handle on sharing them.

(Is it too much for me to say that Martin was more emotionally vulnerable with himself in MAG 170 than he was with Jon when Jon finally found him?)

Throughout season five, Martin asks Jon questions, he expresses frustrations with Jon, he shows discomfort or fear at times, but for as much as Martin feels frustrated that Jon isn't talking about how he feels about their situation, Martin really isn't doing so either. The most he talks about his feelings is in MAG 170 and MAG 186, when he's by himself, and I remember MAG 186 in particular because before that, we really didn't know what Martin was thinking about for the majority of the season! And in this episode, we find out a lot of very important things about Martin's character. Like (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.

Also-Martin acknowledges that Martin often doesn't say what he means and hides what he really feels, telling him that it's 'hard to be vulnerable,' and Martin is initially very resistant to the idea. And then, when Also-Martin suggests that Martin wants to stay so that he can be 'quietly sad,' we get (MAG 186):

MARTIN

We could talk to Jon about it.

ALSO MARTIN

We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

MARTIN

There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.

ALSO MARTIN

A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.

This is very interesting to me, because for all that Martin tries to help other people, he also believes that comfort doesn't always help and that you can't be your loved one's 'therapist.' I think this gives a lot of insight into why Martin doesn't share his emotions with the people he cares about, especially Jon; he doesn't want to put Jon in the position where he'll become his 'therapist,' and he doesn't necessarily think Jon can help. So instead, Martin just chooses not to be vulnerable at all, because he doesn't want to burden the people he cares about. But, when it's just him (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.

He doesn't feel like he needs to pull his emotional punches. He can't accidentally hurt somebody or put them in an awkward position; it's just himself. But what's said to himself remains with himself, and (at least on tape), he doesn't discuss any of this with Jon. Not even the bit about, if it came down to it, Martin would have rather had Jon smite him than continue to rule over a domain. He goes right back to being closed-off around Jon, but now we, the audience, know what lies underneath, and how little of it reaches the surface.

In fact, the thing Martin's probably most vocal about is how Jon's feelings about himself bother him (MAG 199):

MARTIN

I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you.

And it… It hurts to know you can.

And I think he has a tendency to use anger and frustration to cover up hurt, shying away from the admission that something Jon's done has hurt him (an incredibly vulnerable thing) and instead relying on the less-vulnerable and more external anger to cover it. This is more speculation than true analysis, but I think that's a lot of what's happening in MAG 200, when he discovers that Jon has already assumed the position of the pupil and has, in Martin's eyes, broken his promise.

#tma #the magnus archives #martin blackwood #tma meta #jonathan sims #(because i do talk about jon a bit in this too)#i actually think martin isn't good with emotions at all #both his own and others'#i think he doesn't quite know what to do with them so he puts on a mask and defaults to things he knows will work #*thinks about the low empathy autistic martin high empathy autistic jon post with love in my heart*

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a-froger-epic · 2 years

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My "theory"/"headcanon" (not facts whatsoever): Roger and Brian have always had that siblings dynamic/love hate relationship where they always fight and argue but ultimately love each other ever since the Smile days, then they met Freddie and Roger got along with Freddie extremely well from day 1 (it's like how I'm like with my best friend, sometimes you meet someone and your personalities mesh together so well that you hit things off instantly and feel like you've known them your whole life). They just *get* each other, and would do everything together. They both had somewhat boisterous personalities and enjoyed certain activities like partying, so socially they spent a lot of time with each other.

Brian and Freddie had that partnership and connection through music that I feel go deeper than any other pairing (music wise I mean, from their studio time, how they write music, how they are with each other on stage) and this was cemented from the early 70s since they were the main songwriters back then. Freddie was Brian's muse in a lot of ways, and Brian and his guitar were the vehicles that carried Freddie's voice and music ("you're my Jimi Hendrix"), and since they put a lot of their personal lives and emotions in their writing, i feel like they had many intimate special moments in the studio, e.g. for It's A Hard Life, TSMGO etc, that we aren't necessarily privy to.

Freddie took John under his wing in the early 70s until his wedding in '75, and they drifted apart starting in the late 70s/early 80s (at least outside of work, I think they were probably the closest in early 80s in terms of songwriting). I do feel that in those 20 years John was closest to Roger. It was another sibling dynamic but this time, it's the two little brothers having the same kind of humour and finding every stupid little thing funny and rebelling against their older, more serious and responsible brother (Brian) lol.

I think it was during early-mid 80s that Brian got closer to Roger than with Freddie. Socially and also musically in the studio when they're working, Freddie was probably more preoccupied with the club scene and got a lot more LGBT+ friends ever since he came out so they wouldn't really go to the same clubs after studio time, and Brian and Roger were not as receptive to producing more club/disco-sounding music. Outside of work, John probably chose to spend way more time with his family, so I imagine Roger and Brian were quite close during that period.

Then after the mid 80s, they all got a lot closer again to band around Freddie. Although I think John didn't visit Freddie much in the final years (?) because he couldn't bear seeing Freddie being so sick, so I think in the very late 80s, Brian, Roger and Freddie were very tight-knit, like the very early days back in the 70s again :')

After Freddie's passing, Roger probably wanted to hang on to both John and Brian, but Brian wanted to get away from Queen as much as possible, which might have caused some anger and resentment in Roger at that time, and their initial disagreement on MIH (basically Roger + John vs Brian) caused some upset, because they were all grieving. After Brian came back, they resolved their differences but I feel like by that point, John was further drifting away from the group because he didn't promote MIH much with Brian and Roger taking up majority of the PR work. By late 90s, it was pretty much Brian and Roger left. And with Brian's suicide attempts and later submitting himself into that rehab clinic in the late 90s, I could imagine Roger has been desperately clinging onto Brian (and I think he still does now :')) because he'd lost so many people over the years already. and that might also explain why Roger is still so hurt and angry at John for pretty much cutting off contact, because to him, he can't ever imagine pushing your loved ones away and isolating yourself after having gone through all those years together, losing Freddie and nearly losing Brian. Brian is all Roger has left, and Roger is all Brian has left, regarding Queen. And that has made them closer than ever.

Idek why I wrote this lol but yes, I agree that in friendships that last literal years, we all feel closer to different people in different periods of time for different reasons. People are changing all the time, so it makes sense that friendships evolve as well.

Haha, anon, you wrote out what I was too lazy to write up. lol I agree with all of this pretty much entirely. Yup. That's how I see it as well. (Except for after Freddie's passing, as in, I don't disagree but I just haven't given it as much thought as you have.)

But yes, excellently put! 👌🏻

#Queen band #Freddie Mercury #Brian May #Roger Taylor #John Deacon #💯

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bookofmirth · 3 years

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I haven't read ACOSF yet, and tbh I'm rather rusty with the characters but it was really interesting to read your opinion on Elain! I feel there's a lot of complexity to her. And how she presents herself as well because as you said we literally have no chapters from hers or Lucien's POV and I think that's the important point to note because right now we're all just guessing and assuming her to be like Feyre, but she's not. People deal/show their traumas in different way and l think people expect Elain to deal with it as Feyre did. But, Feyres trauma and Elains are very different!

I don't really know what I'm saying. But I read your answer and it made me go 'oh... Huh!' in a good way, it sparked my curiosity! So thank you! But I think Elain perhaps is the most complex person with their trauma. I know people say 'oh Nesta is so different' but (I specialised in drama therapy so I love psycho analysis) and what Nesta did is self destructive to prevent relationships to avoid hurt or more emotions that she doesn't want to acknowledge (in my opinion!)

Elain just shuts down. She doesn't drink, she doesn't screw, she just remains in her garden which in itself says a lot! That's a very grounding way to handle trauma and not a lot of people are aware of that side!

So yeah I don't know what I'm saying but I think it's a really interesting discussion!

I have so many thoughts about Elain! This took me a few days to get to because i knew I had a crapton of thoughts. So this is basically me using this ask to explain the way I see Elain post-acosf!

There are three important scenes in acosf off the top of my head: when Elain talks with Nesta and they fight, and then with Nesta and Feyre and she gets mad and leaves, and then Feyre and Rhys talk about her in their chapter. We’re getting a lot more information about her, and for me, it wasn’t so much about who she is, but why we don’t know who she is.

So far, what we’ve had is Feyre’s and Nesta’s POV. Even when Feyre and Lucien tried to help her in acowar, they were unable. So we’ve never had anything about Elain from someone who didn’t grow up with her and experience the same trauma (such as becoming destitute, their mother’s death, their father being beaten, the Cauldron, etc.)

The sisters do handle it very, very differently. And I think that at this point the fandom consensus is that Elain runs away from her problems, but I actually disagree, and partly because of what you mentioned - that she isn’t using those self-harming, destructive coping mechanisms. Nesta was avoiding her problems, hardcore. It’s absolutely possible that Elain avoids things, but I don’t think that she just runs from all of her problems because:

Elain grieves her father. Openly. She tries to accept the fact that it wasn’t her fault and that she couldn’t do anything about it. (See: her going to his grave in acofas, her first talk with Nesta in acosf.) Elain does not run from her grief, she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t exist, and she doesn’t hide it from others. As one of the most defining events we’ve seen her go through in the series, that’s a pretty big deal.

Elain does not cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There could be ways that she does this that we are unaware of. She does seem like the type who would be really, really good at making people think she’s okay, all while she’s silently imploding. But we don’t know that yet?

Elain does not isolate herself.

However, Elain definitely needs to deal with some stuff! She definitely needs to deal with Lucien, and she needs to have an actual talk with Nesta because I don’t remember a single satisfying resolution between those two in acosf. Not like Nesta had with Feyre.

I have this idea that is purely based on Elain’s line in acosf:

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow, all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” (pg. 233)

And then Feyre tells Nesta that yes, Elain was right.

This is so so so sossosososos important. I cannot emphasize it enough. Elain is used to putting on a fake, smiling face because she doesn’t want the weight of her sisters’ concern. She has been pretending to cope for so long - and tbf, she seems to have been doing better than Nesta - that people not only forget that she has suffered, but she doesn’t feel like she can even express that suffering.

Emotional labor often means negating one’s own feelings in order to acknowledge or tend to someone else’s. And that is Elain’s major role, in the series. Feyre has been caring for everyone’s physical wellbeing (hunting), while Elain’s role has been to care for everyone’s emotional wellbeing. But, like with most emotional labor, it has gone unnoticed.

I’ve made posts about emotional labor in the past (four years ago!!!!) but I’m gonna spare you the link because a lot of it was about a ship that’s no longer a ship, so here is the relevant content:

What I am talking about is the regulation of emotion - any time that you give comfort, are especially attentive to someone’s needs, stop thinking about how you feel in order to focus on how someone else feels, try to cheer someone up, make sure that they are taking care of themselves, try to allay their insecurities, etc. Basically, helping them with any sort of emotional distress.

You know those posts you’ve seen, about women protecting men’s egos constantly? Or about making time for self-care? Or about recognizing toxic relationships? That tell you “if X is being demanded of you in a relationship, get out”? Those are ALL about emotional labor, broadly speaking. They are warning you not to do more than you can handle, more than you need to do, because it can be harmful to you.

If you have ever been expected to make a person or people feel better any time you are around each other (including when they are angry, upset, anxious, ill, frustrated, insecure, etc.), you have performed emotional labor. Pretty much everyone has done this at some point, unless you are a completely insensitive jerk.

Notice, though, that I said expected to and any time you are around them – this is where the problem comes in for YOU. This is not about just being there for a friend.

Making loved ones feel better is fantastic. Seeing people be polite and kind to one another makes my heart shine. That is not a problem in and of itself. That can be seen as emotional labor, but there are no requirements on you in those circumstances. This is something you are doing of your own free will.

The problem, again, is when this is expected, constantly, over time. Now, in my experience, the expectation is not necessarily coming from the other person. One of the problems with this type of labor is that not only do others expect women to perform these tasks, but women expect it of themselves.

It’s super easy to see this – who is expected to take care of a child when they fall? Who is expected to baby-sit? Who did you want when you were sick as a child, mom or dad? Who is expected to be sensitive and pay attention to others’ emotions?

For more info on this idea specifically, read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich. As a woman, I realized how much work I had been performing and how much it was harming me and I just… got real upset. She comes at this mostly from what a woman’s role is expected to be within the family, and might actually be a bit outdated in that respect because I feel like family structures and dynamics are shifting (that is a totally un-academic evaluation of the situation, don’t quote me on that), but still, it’s really informative.

While I was doing some research for this post I came across a peer-reviewed article about nursing and basically, high amounts of emotional labor led to anxiety and burn-out in those performing it. It literally will cost your mental health – not to mention your time, energy, attention, and it often requires you to ignore your own needs (this last part came from me, not the article). On the other hand, high levels of emotional intelligence (being able to recognize your own and others’ emotional states) meant less emotional labor (and therefore less anxiety & burn-out). One of the most important things to realize is that while you are taking care of someone else’s emotional needs, your own are frequently unmet. That is why it’s important to recognize this in yourself, not just in these characters.

So where does Elain fit in? Elain is the #1 emotional labor provider of the family, and she is about to freaking SNAP. I know, because once I realized how my trauma was hidden in order to spare someone else its consequences, I fucking SNAPPEd. I’ll also spare you the personal details, but Elain hasn’t been “okay”. She hasn’t been “boring”, or “nice”, or “chosen” Feyre over Nesta. She has literally been unable to express herself because (and I am NOT blaming Nesta or Feyre or her father one bit) her family’s emotional state has been so fragile, there hasn’t been room for Elain to feel or express her emotions in years.

In the feysand short, Rhys says:

I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.

And that completely tracks. Everyone has gotten used to Elain being not just “nice”, but being the emotionally predictable one. The one they know they can go to for a smile. The one they can count on for never, ever making them realize that she has been through Some Shit Too. And being that person is exhausting.

When Feyre thinks about Elain not using Lucien’s gloves, 1) she still has them, otherwise she couldn’t think about Elain not using them, and 2) I like to see the gloves as something that she will come to use, once she realizes that she can feel and express those emotions without it causing a breakdown in the family. Right now, she just wants to feel. And she can’t do that emotionally, so she’s doing it physically. Once she heals and finds a better balance, she won’t need to resort to physical pain. (Which, lowkey has me thinking some other thoughts, but.... maybe later.) But anyway, once Elain does go through her very own special journey, I fully expect her to welcome those gloves. She won’t need physical pain to feel anymore.

Not to mention my completely unacademic and non-professional opinion that people will judge a nice women harshly for being rude once, but accept a woman with a history of rudeness for just “being that way”. It’s another way that Elain may feel trapped in her “nice girl” persona. I think she started out that way - kindness and light and generosity is 100% in Elain’s character in the first place. It’s not as if she went into the Court of Nightmares and suddenly Cassian thought, “wait, she fits right in to this shithole of depravity”. No, he still thought the literal opposite. It’s just that once people get used to you doing all their emotional labor, they will continue to take advantage of it, even if they don’t realize its cost.

#elain #acosf #acosf spoilers #spoilers #ask #PHEW I needed to get that off my chest too #midnight-wonder

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ma-gic-gay · 3 years

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"Did you kill my brother?"

"What are you talking about, Jason?" Sonny asks his business partner who's clearly found out the truth.

"AJ. Did you kill him?"

"It's complicated-"

"No it's not. Either you pulled the trigger and let out the shot that killed my brother or you didn't, Sonny. I need to know what you did."

"Ava, she-"

"I didn't ask what Ava did, Sonny, I asked what you did. So just tell me already, did you shoot him with the bullet that killed him?"

"Yes. I did, I shot him because Ava made me think that he was the one who killed Connie. She told me that he'd killed her and I was mad. God, I was so mad that I killed him. Ava, she encouraged it, and I shot him because I thought I was avenging Connie's death."

"I can't believe you," Jason snarls at his mentor. "You thought I was dead! I died trying to protect you, and this is the thanks I get? You push my brother to drink again after my grieving mother calls him home because she needs one of her kids alive. He bonded with Michael! He was a part of my family again and you shot him. You killed AJ and didn't tell me for years. I found out about it because of Cyrus!"

"What the hell is Cyrus doing contacting you with that information?" Sonny asks, confused and upset. "And how the hell did he find out?"

"He sent me a tape with the audio of AJ's death, Sonny. I hate that man more than you could believe, trust me. But you hid this from me for years! I've been back so long and you hide from me that you're AJ's killer," Jason shouts, hands running through his hair.

"So did Carly!" Sonny weakly defends himself and he sees that the fire blazing in Jason's eyes softens slightly.

"This isn't about what Carly did! She didn't pull the trigger! She might not have told me that, but at least she didn't kill him. At least there's that. But you? I can't forgive you. You destroyed my mother. Monica, she needed to know one of her kids was okay and then the one that is, you just have to kill him too? Seems to be a pattern of yours, doesn't it?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You kill AJ and the reason everyone thought I was dead was because of you too, because I was trying to protect you. Kristina's been in a car bombing, Michael got shot, Avery was conceived on my brother's grave, Joss lives her life with bodyguards constantly around her, Dev died, Dante got shot- by you!- should I go on? That's just your kids and AJ, not even half of the stuff you've done. Should I go on?" Jason asks, shouting at him now.

"I know you're upset that Sam left you, Jason, but there are better ways to cope with it then by screaming at me," the shorter of the pair attempts to rationalize.

"Upset? Sonny, Sam left and she took my kids with her. Trust me, that doesn't cover the half of what I'm feeling right now. But I'm fine without Sam here, you know what I'm not fine with? You, who is supposed to be my friend, killing my brother and hiding that from me for so long." Jason fires back.

"Don't take this out on me, Jason," Sonny says, trying to impact this conversation somehow.

"What would you do if I'd done something like this to you, Sonny? I covered your ass so many times, I did everything you didn't want to do or couldn't do. Hell, you're only not still calling Carly a worthless slut because of me so don't you for a second act like my anger isn't justified. I raised your kids when you couldn't. When you were having a major life evaluation, I went to prison to protect your kid. While you were upset and angry, I was comforting your wife! I stood by you through everything, Sonny. Everything! I've got a right to anger, a right to being mad at you, and a right to downright hate you right now!" Jason shouts loudly.

"And I'm grateful for that!" Sonny shouts back. "But you're not listening and you're blaming everything on me when I'm not the only one to blame."

"You're the only one who pulled the trigger. Whatever Carly did, she would never do that to me or Michael," Jason reminds him.

"She helped me cover it up for months," Sonny tells him.

"To save your sorry ass so Michael wouldn't have to deal with more bad things! Her not telling the cops that you killed him, and lying to Michael about it, that was for him. Don't think for a minute it's because you're some amazing person because you're a killer of innocent men!"

"Don't you dare defend her and trash me in the same sentence! I did it to protect you, Jason!"

"Does she think I know?" Jason asks.

"Yes," Sonny admits. "I didn't want you to come back and get bombarded with bad news."

"I quit. I don't need your protection, I never have and I never will. You, on the other hand, might need some from me."

At that, Jason storms out of the office and drives over to the Corinthos home, where Carly is. He's got to find out why she did what she did.

He lets himself in and she smiles when she sees him at first, but quickly registers that he's emotionally conflicted. "What happened, Jason? Are you okay?" The blonde asks, rushing over to check him out. "You don't feel hot, so you're not sick. What's wrong?"

"Did you help hide it from me that Sonny killed AJ?" He asks her quickly when they're seated on the couch.

Confused, she says, "No. He said you knew, that he'd told you."

Jason sighs, his head in his hands. "I didn't. In fact, I just found out that he did that a few minutes ago when Cyrus sent me the recording of his death."

Frowning, Carly envelopes him in a hug. "Jason, I'm so sorry. If I had known, I would've made him tell you or told you myself. God, I'm so stupid! I should've known never to trust Sonny when it comes to this stuff."

"You thought I knew and I wouldn't have a reaction? For years, Carly, all I had for a family was you and Michael and Sonny. He killed my brother. You thought I'd just be fine with it?" Jason asks his best friend, hurt. "For someone who prides herself on knowing me, you really don't if that's what you think."

"He told me you were mad, told me you were processing! I didn't bring it up because I didn't want to watch you as your heart broke," Carly tells him, tears flooding her eyes but her far too stubborn to let them fall. "When we thought you were dead, I almost died, Jason. I was going to pull a Carly, I swear to God, and lose it at an inconvenient time. I know I should've been the one to tell you, I know, but I couldn't stand to watch you while you found out such terrible news. Sonny had me thinking you knew already so I thought there was no point to me telling you anyways."

"Believing what he says about me always seems to mess with you, doesn't it?" Jason asks, a small frown on his lips still.

"Yeah, it does," Carly agrees and the two sit there for a few moments in silence, reminiscing about the past. Before their lives were so complicated, when all that mattered was staying out of jail, each other, and Michael. "It always ends up fucking me over."

"That it does," he agrees, smiling softly.

"What are you smiling about? You just got terrible, earth shattering news, Sam and the kids left, and I ended up lying to you for two years. Why are you smiling?" Carly asks.

"Thinking about the what if's of life," he responds. "What it'd be like if not for that night."

"I made several offers for us to leave the country with Michael," Carly reminds him, chuckling. "Mainly after you came home, but still. You and I, we were in such a real life love and we had everything right. Except timing. When you were ready to confront your feelings for me, after an excruciatingly long period of time, I had slept with Sonny. When I had continually told you mine, you weren't ready to deal with it yet. Timing's a bitch."

"If we left the country, you wouldn't have Morgan, or Joss, or Donna," Jason reminds her.

"And you never would've met Sam, or had Danny, or Scout," she counters. "You think we would've worked out, had we done that, had I not slept with Sonny?"

"If I'd let us, probably," Jason admits after pondering it for a moment. "It would've been hard, but I think we would've. Provided, of course, neither of us backed out."

"You were the one who couldn't deal with it," Carly teases him.

"Yeah," Jason agrees, "I couldn't. Maybe what I felt was too strong or something, I don't know."

"Hey Jason?" She asks him a few minutes later, them both in their own worlds, thinking about what if's and their past.

"What?" He asks her, smiling slightly. His eyes give him away, blue and full of so much emotion in so many different forms.

She doesn't respond with words, just kisses him. Their lips intertwine and all feels right with the world for a moment as they're kissing.

But all good things must come to an end and they pull away. "That was-"

"Unexpected," Jason finishes, smiling at her. "Good unexpected."

"Glad we can agree. What's this mean for us?" She asks.

Instead of answering, he initiates a second kiss, a slightly more passionate one but roughly the same.

"Correction," Carly asks when they pull away, "what's that mean?"

"I don't know," he admits. "I don't know everything. I know that felt right, but you're married and I'm single."

"How do we keep ending up in this situation?" Carly asks, laughing. "First with AJ, then Sonny- our first marriage, when I was in love with you for half of it. And now, again."

"You get married too often," he smirks at her. "That's how."

"Well, maybe the third time of this is a charm," Carly smiles back. "It's an expression for a reason, after all."

Jason considers it for a minute. "God help me I'm going along with a Carly plan," he smiles.

"God help us both," Carly smiles before kissing him again.

I just watched you go through all the stages of grief. You ok???

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