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angelicyouth · 11 months

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Token

⇢ pairing: kenny mccormick x reader

⇢ synopsis: ❝Your blonde lover saves up money from his part-time job to surprise you with a visit to Build-A-Bear Workshop.❞

⇢ warning: implied sexual content

Your boyfriend has you pick out a stuffed animal to your choosing and whatever clothes/accessories you want for it, proudly stating that he’s treating you out and paying for all of the expenses.

You ask in faux innocence if you can put one of the many audio files that he’s sent you of him whimpering as the voice recording inside of it.

With a deep shade of vermilion quickly spreading across his cheeks, the blonde has to unfortunately deny your request so you ask if you can put one of his soft groaning instead.

You absolutely beg him to approve of a particular one that you love containing the pretty little moans that leak out of his soft pink lips when the two of you are apart during heated nights ((the slicked sounds of his hands in the background and his pleasure-filled breathing is just so delicious)).

((the answer sadly stays the same because it'd be utterly embarrassing for the worker that's helping you out to hear it. you were so close to having him say yes, though. the blonde is absolutely weak to your puppy eyes and the cute pout you sometimes cast on your face when you're upset but he gets you to relent when he offers you a visit to the pretzel or cinnamon roll stand at the mall you're at afterwards)).

After much discussion, you both settle for putting the song that you both associate with your relationship ((and the one that will inevitably be played during your first dance together as a married couple at your wedding reception in the future)).

When the employee helping you two out has you gently nestle the plush heart in the palm of your hands to make a wish, the skin between your eyebrows crease as you seriously contemplate on what you will use this opportunity on.

You think about blessing your relationship with Kenny but ultimately decide on asking for only days filled with happiness, love, and success for just the blonde himself.

Kenny is patient as you take the time to seriously choose outfits and the name to permanently put on the birth certificate, the blonde fondly watching you with soft eyes as a smile gently curves against his handsome face.

He can't help stealing affectionate pecks on your lips as he obediently follows you around the store, endlessly endeared at the passion you put in everything you do and how seriously you're taking his present.

You’re thoroughly content at your boyfriend's sweet gesture, leaving the store with your hands tightly intertwined with his and the newest addition to your little family nestled in the crook of your arm.

You ask if there was a reason for the surprise ((you mentally fret that you may have forgotten a special occasion or an anniversary or something equally important)).

The blonde placates you with an affectionate kiss against the soft locks of hair adorning your head and reassures you that he just wanted to leave you with something in his place whenever you’re missing him.

"What? I can't treat my pretty girl out for no reason at all except for the fact that she's cute?"

You can't help but to feel bad that he's spending his hard-earned money on you like this when his family's financial situation is less than ideal.

"If you need a reason so bad then it's because I love you. I want to do this for you because you're so deserving of everything good in life. And as your boyfriend, it's an absolute honor to be the one who gets to give you the whole entire world. So, please. Just let me, okay beautiful?" He softly mumbles against the skin of your forehead while his arms wrap around your waist in an effort to make you feel better, forever grateful that you're always concerned with his well-being.

When you both go out for dinner after your surprise trip to the mall, your already overflowing heart can't help but to burst at the seams when Kenny gently places your stuffed animal in its own chair at the restaurant so that it can sit with the both of you.

With two straws placed in the drink that you order for yourself, he urges you into position so that he can take a picture with both you and your new gift on either end of a straw. This is so that he can commemorate the adoption and he can set the adorable photo as his new lockscreen wallpaper! ((a matching one of you sleeping with it cuddled against your chest will be his homescreen wallpaper))

He’s sure to leave his scent lingering against the soft fabric by spraying his cologne on your stuffed toy whenever it’s fading. The comforting smell helps tide you over whenever your blonde lover is busy with work, extracurricular activities like sports, or he’s out with the boys.

Whenever Kenny has to leave you for the night after spending time with you at your house, he never forgets to give the gifted plush a peck on its head after attacking your face with his own multitude of goodbye kisses.

When you're busy with homework or distracted on your cellphone, Kenny will pretend to speak through the stuffed toy in a comical voice to communicate to you that he's hungry or that he wants attention or that he's in the mood for some fun **wink wink**

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

Kenny's soft lips gently suck on the column of your neck, his wet tongue quickly darting out to soothe the slicked spot of abuse. His normally crystal-like eyes possessively darken at the utterly wrecked sight of his lover splayed out in front of him, the corner of his pink lips delightedly quirked up as he watches the deep purple and vivid reds that begin to bloom against your skin. His territorial marks of love are a stark contrast on your otherwise unblemished body, the occasional indents of his teeth imprinted against your soft skin joining the fray. Longer fingers begin to leisurely skim against the exposed skin of your hips, the cool metal of his ring adorned hands eliciting a cacophony of goosebumps in its wake at the heightened sensation. Small breaths of air quickly leaves your slightly parted lips when he lazily licks his way into your mouth, your smaller hands hurriedly tightening their hold around the blonde field of hair in front of you for purchase. The slight pressure exerted when he lightly sucks at your lips forces out a soft mewl to escape your throat, the male on top of you heaving out a soft chuckle at the needy reaction his ministrations elicits. The sound of it is all-knowing, too confident that you can't help the whine that you let out at his relentless teasing. He cockily smirks at the melodious noise as his fingers play along the edge of the underwire of your bra, his deep baritone beautifully mixing with the lust-induced huskiness of his voice. "Patience, baby. We've got the whole night—just let me take care of you and enjoy." His breath is hot against the curves and dips of your body, every puff of air deliciously following his words as they lightly hit the expanse of skin he has access to. His hands force your unconsciously moving hips down onto the soft linen of the bed as they try to desperately chase any type of friction against your weeping core. The blonde softly mouthes along your skin in time with the lyrics of the soft music playing in the background and you can just feel the smirk on his lips as he does so. When he finally begins to reach behind your back to undo the clasps of your bra, his handsome face morphs into one of confusion when you hastily push his hands away. "Ken!" A deep shade of crimson prettily sits atop your cheeks, the soft pink of your lips downturned into a pout as you cross your arms over your chest in indignation. There's a questioning look on Kenny's face as he meticulously scans your expression for any indication of hurt until realization suddenly hits, the blonde snorting as he affectionately rolls his eyes. He blindly reaches out a hand towards the pillows neatly decorated at the head of the bed until they feel the soft material of your Build-A-Bear, the blonde seamlessly turning the stuffed animal around so that its plastic eyes aren't watching the two of you any longer. "Now, where were we?"

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

If you go out with Wendy and the other girls for the day, Kenny will take temporary possession of your beloved stuffed animal and will send you pictures of the both of them doing mundane things throughout their time together.

Updates will include photos of a controller placed on its plush lap as it sits on the couch in between Kyle and Stan to let you know that your boyfriend is playing video games.

Or the stuffed animal sitting on a plastic chair next to Tolkien as the group of boy's eat out, a single french fry laying on its fur covered paw to reassure you that its being treated fairly.

Maybe a quick snap of Tweek will be taken as his shaky fingers fiddle with the tufts of soft fabric adorning the toy or the creases within the material of its clothes as an outlet to soothe his anxious energy.

You fondly smile when your phone alerts you of an image of Butters holding your plushed baby on his lap as they all watch a movie, a multitude of neon colors from the flashing lights of the television reflecting off of the two as the blonde holds up an adorable peace sign for the photo.

Your stomach hurts from laughing when he sends you a picture of Clyde passed out on the couch, your beloved plush with its bottom clothing pulled down to press its furry ass against the brunette's obliviously slumbering face ((the blonde takes special care to not get drool on it)).

Cartman doesn't like going anywhere near it because there was a time when he accidentally got cheese dust on its fur from when he was carelessly eating his cheesy poofs ((you made him buy your stuffed animal a whole new outfit until you deemed him worthy of forgiveness and talked to him again)).

A snort escapes your mouth when a paw is lifted towards Craig's snickering face, the following text explaining the picture: you can't tell but it's throwing up its middle finger at this asshole for licking the last slice of pizza even though i FUCKING CLAIMED IT FIRST!!!!

Sometimes he gets jealous of the utmost care you present to the plush, especially when he gets less space on the bed because he can't shove it off of the floor when he spends the night at your place ((he gets tempted to throw a punch or two at its defenseless face in pettiness when you leave the room but then he reminds himself that he was the one who paid for it and settles for glaring at it instead)).

When you picked him up for a day out because you were able to borrow your family's car, he excitedly hums his way to the passenger side to open the vehicle's door. His ecstatic mood gets flipped upside down as it only reveals your stuffed animal buckled in on the seat next to yours ((every time you chanced a peak at the rear-view mirror, you couldn't help chuckling whenever you saw him pouting as he stared outside of the window from his seat at the back of the car. you felt bad for teasing him and eventually pulled over to have them switch seats, pressing a kiss of apology on his downturned lips)).

If you're being stubborn, he'll use your stuffed toy as leverage by playfully wrapping a hand around its neck and getting his fist ready to hit its face until you listen. he thinks he's being threatening but it's honestly hilarious (("babe, finish your homework or the plush gets it! I swear I'll do it!" "okay, okay! stop, Ken!")).

Your boyfriend is sure to bring you back to the store to buy new outfits on special occasions like anniversary's, halloween to get your shared baby a costume, etc.

When you both graduate from high school, he'll secretly dress the stuffed toy in a cap and gown of its own to surprise you with! Already emotional from completing a major milestone in your life, you'll get teary-eyed when you see the new outfit adorned on its body as it greets you on your bed.

If you two ever decide to have any children, you'll pass down your beloved token of appreciation as a reminder of your love to the next generation and to the next ♡

#south park #south park x reader #kenny mccormick x reader #kenny mccormick #south park fanfiction #lalawrites

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bird-inacage · 9 months

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Only Friends: Ray x Sand Character & Relationship Theories

So a fun game I like to play before a series airs, is to speculate on the characters and the possible direction or conflicts that may arise (based only on what we've seen so far). An initial delve into Ray and Sand as individuals and as a couple.

RAY

"Ray is quite spoiled. He wants to be pampered by everyone." Being spoilt often means getting your way, and hence unable to compromise or settle for less. Ray loves attention, which can lead to an inflated sense of self-importance or narcissism. The issue with this is your identity becomes so easily informed by those around you. Without attention to thrive on, Ray may feel invisible or inadequate. And when feeling insecure, they may feel driven to do things to purposely draw attention to themselves (exhibitionist-like behaviour or throwing tantrums/sulking). Attention only supplies a fleeting sense of validation. It's nowhere close to true fulfilment.

A spoilt nature can also manifest as clinginess or possessiveness. ‘This is mine', 'this belongs to me and only me.' As Khaotung puts it, Ray likes being 'pampered' aka doted on by those around him. So when Mew is swiped away by Top from under his nose, Ray is clearly annoyed. This is partly due to Top being his love rival, but I believe it's more simple than that. Mew is his friend. Once Top comes into the picture, Mew naturally spends much less time with him. Possessiveness is the close relative of (petty) jealousy. You don't want 'your people' spending time with anyone else. You ideally want them revolving their time around you, because they validate your existence.

"Be patient with his hot temper, because Ray is easily frustrated." Confrontational, brash, and a loose cannon when angry. Ray seems to react on emotion rather than rationale. If things aren't to his liking, his immediate knee jerk reaction is to act out. Essentially, he's a bit of a brat. "He's going to be straightforward. His words might not be appropriate. Ray might just say what he wants honestly." Ray isn't deterred by formalities or niceties. You’ll get the truth whether you like it or not.

"Deep down, I think he's someone who needs love." "So if you're his friend, he might fall for you too." These points Khaotung shared are the most intriguing in my opinion. It implies that it's not Mew exclusively that Ray could have developed a crush on. It could have easily been another close friend in an alternative version of events. Ray may latch onto others far too easily (especially towards those who give him positive attention and reinforcement, possibly).

SAND

First emphasises that Sand's financial situation has a huge bearing on his character. "He works to earn his living, thus he must be patient when doing things to ensure his survival... he has to work many jobs to earn money". Sand appears to be a musician who side hustles as a sex worker (which is at least two jobs). He has to be resourceful and pragmatic, especially in how to set his priorities in order.

"Sand doesn't have time. He's someone you must approach first." If they say my treat, they suddenly become more interesting to him." It requires more effort for someone to get to know Sand. I speculate that Ray might begin by 'hiring' Sand under the pretence of work. If Sand doesn't have much free time to spare, this would allow Ray to see him if he offers to 'pay for it'. Even though it's in Sand's best interests to pursue connections that will benefit him, he makes exceptions for those he considers his friends. This tells me that Sand has a strong righteous and moral compass. No matter how tough his own circumstances may be, he'll prioritise those he cares about.

"You will see his patience." Patience nurtures a willingness to listen and a willingness to compromise. Patience suggests registered and thoughtful decision-making rather than haste. Unfortunately it can cause others to push your boundaries, under the assumption you'll be more forgiving. In the trailer, he's frequently on the receiving end of Ray's wrath. Everyone has a limit, and it's likely that Ray will test Sand's patience to the point he snaps.

"People around him might sense tension and pressure from him sometimes." It's no surprise that when you live on the edge, you can be highly strung. His circumstances would understandably make him less tolerant to 'first world problems' or unnecessary shenanigans. Sand seems like the type to have a no nonsense policy for mind games. He could be a voice of reason in the series, as we see him trying to talk sense into Nick regarding Boston’s treatment of him. I have a hunch Sand will act out of genuine concern for Ray in a lot of instances, which gets rebuffed or misunderstood as being overly nosy or preachy.

RAY x SAND: Potential Conflicts

Sand's Financial Status

Mew, Ray, Boston and Top all seem to move in the same circles - appearing fairly wealthy. Often seen in homes with huge pools, driving nice cars and dress fairly dapper too. Ray has a ridiculously lavish bedroom (I mean fur pillows??) Whereas I think Sand and Nick may live together, and are on the other end of the spectrum. Sand works multiple jobs and Nick works in a phone shop.

When there is a wealth imbalance, it's common for those lesser off to have a complex around this (being in a position of disadvantage and seen as inferior). "Do I need to pamper you and call you Sugar Daddy? I don't know how to do that." By definition, 'Sugar Daddy' is usually someone older/richer who lavishes gifts on their 'partner' in exchange for sexual favours. Sand's cynic quip is a little dig at their dynamic, alluding to the fact that he doesn't know how to play to those in richer circles.

"It's clear that you just can't take care of what you have." Top mocks Sand in a way that could support this theory. That he can't take care of Ray and support his lifestyle. Ray also says, "You think my life will be better with you?" Which could be interpreted as: 'What value do you bring to my life (when I already have everything)?' It also has an air of 'Who are you to comment on my life when we come from different worlds entirely?'

Ray is High Maintenance or 'Troubled'

"I'll never take someone like you as my boyfriend." Which is Sand declaring: 'You/Your type are way too much trouble for me'. (Famous last words). He also says, "You should save your money for a shrink." Ray likely comes with baggage, bad habits or more serious issues. Whatever this may be, it's very clear to Sand that Ray would be too challenging a prospect as a boyfriend. Though there is undoubtedly attraction between them, Sand's wariness about these issues are strong enough for him to be hesitant about going further.

Another curious detail is in one scene Ray's arm is in a sling, and another he appears to have a bruised lip and cheek. Ray clearly has a volatile temper, which is a probable cause for trouble. But something tells me that Ray may have a far more underlying problem that would warrant Sand suggesting he see a shrink. Anger management issues feels too on the nose.

More Than Just Bed Friends

At the start of the series, Ray is pining over Mew. Somewhere along the line he starts to pursue Sand more seriously instead, though Sand doesn't consider Ray as boyfriend material. "Can you make an exception for me?"

"Can you stop thinking about something else for just one second? Focus on me for once, will you?" Sand seems frustrated that Ray blows hot and cold, which means he doesn't really know where he stands. Ray has either given very mixed signals from the get go or majorly yo-yos after Mew is definitely taken. "Stop poking your nose into my business. What are we to each other?" "Now that you already stepped into my life, I won't let you walk away." One minute he's telling Sand to piss off, and the next he's vowing not to let Sand out of his sights.

The ultimate conflict being 'so, what are we'?

Ray and Sand are referred to as 'Bed Friends' but Boston and Nick are referred to as 'Friends with Benefits'. (I thought this meant the same thing, but is there a distinction? Someone enlighten me if so). In the context of this series, it seems 'Bed Friends' refers to sex that leads to friendship. Whereas 'Friends with Benefits' are two friends that have sex regularly but don't share a romantic relationship.

-----

There will be plenty to analyse as soon as the first episode airs this week. Super interested to hear what others have been speculating is in store for us. We will not be prepared.

#only friends #only friends the series #ofts #only friends theories #ray x sand #sand x ray #khaofirst #firstkhao #first x khaotung #khaotung x first #khaotung thanawat #first kanaphan

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roguemonsterfucker · 2 months

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First, I want to say: I'm not in really bad financial shape. I'm not currently in danger of starving or losing my house or my animals going without food or vet care.

However, that doesn't mean I'm in great shape.

And in the past, people have asked how they can help me out.

If you enjoy my writing or my blog and you want to financially support me, there are two ways you can do so.

For a series of complex reasons, I can't directly receive money. So no patreon or ko fi or anything else.

I can however receive gift cards.

If you would like to help keep my animals fed, a Chewy Giftcard would go a long way. I order food from Chewy every month so it would help cover the cost of feeding my beloved pets.

I don't often use Amazon, but that is an alternative if Chewy isn't doable for you. I am able to order some of my bird's food through there.

If there's a different website you'd feel more comfortable sending giftcards through, feel free to ask and I'll see if it's something that would be helpful to me and/or my pets!

Giftcards can be sent to this email: [email protected]

Please, don't feel obligated to send anything. I only want to make this option available for those who have voiced their desire to help me out in the past.

While my financial situation is complicated and less than ideal, I'm not currently in danger of going without food or anything else. If you want your money going to someone in a desperate situation, don't send me anything.

Thanks for reading. 💖

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queenshelby · 5 months

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Our Little Secret (Part 15)

Pairing: Dark! Cillian Murphy x Virgin! Reader

Warning: Infidelity, Brief Mention of Stillbirth

Notes: This will not be a love story. It will be dark, twisted and kinky. Cillian is portrayed as totally off cannon.

Two days following your phone call and without the knowledge of his sister, Cillian arrived at the place you were now staying at which, much to his surprise, was located in one of the worst areas of Dublin.

It was a studio apartment you had rented out just a week ago after you were given notice by your cousin to vacate his townhouse near Temple Bar. The unit was located above a somewhat questionable establishment and the living space wasn't much, and consisted mostly of a mattress on the floor, a small TV and a study desk.

The kitchenette was cramped and cluttered and, whilst the bathroom was functional, it lacked any semblance of privacy, with peeling paint chipping from the walls and a cracked mirror hanging precariously from the wall. The window was sealed shut, trapping the stale air within.

Despite the less than ideal conditions, you managed to find solace in its simplicity. It was all you could afford and you were proud for the fact that you managed to pay your own way after your mother and stepfather had kicked you out.

You received a financial support now from a public organization supporting women like you and, thanks to them, you managed to pay the bond for this place and were able to cover the cost of the abortion appointment scheduled for next week.

But then again, even though you considered terminating the pregnancy and knew that, doing so, would be for the best, the idea of ending your child's life felt increasingly unbearable now, making you consider Cillian's offer.

"Hey," Cillian greeted softly, walking in cautiously after you opened the door. He was taken aback by the stark reality of your living situation. He had imagined something more akin to a charming apartment, rather than this dilapidated structure situated above a seedy bar.

"Hey," you countered

shyly, inviting him to step inside. "Come in."

His footsteps echoed loudly, amplifying the sense of isolation.

"How are you holding up?" he asked cautiously, glancing around the room.

"Just great, considering I live in a hole," you quipped sarcastically, motioning towards the mattress on the floor. "Make yourself comfortable."

The tension between you was palpable, a mixture of resentment and regret permeating the air.

"This place, Y/N, it does not seem safe," Cillian murmured uncomfortably, observing the grimy surroundings. "Not for you, definitely," he added, concern etched onto his face.

"Yeah, well, I am lacking options Cillian! My mother and Frank kicked me out after she found out about us which, I think, is understandable," you remarked sarcastically, sitting down on the mattress beside him. "And you know what? It's fine. It really is," you went on to say before Cillian sighed, his heart contracting painfully for you.

"It's not fine Y/N. You can't live like this," Cillian protested, his voice cracking with emotion. He felt utterly helpless witnessing your plight, trapped in a situation he inadvertently created.

"Well, I would rather live here than anywhere where I would have to face the consequences of my poor decision-making," you retorted defensively, casting your gaze downward.

"Y/N, please. Let me help you," Cillian urged, reaching out to grasp your arm gently. You recoiled instinctively, alarm flashing across your features. Cillian pulled back immediately, aware of the fragility of your emotional state.

"Are you still finishing college?" Cillian inquired and you nodded.

"Yes, but I had to change institutions. I am working during the day and go to school in the evening now. It works alright for me and I am almost done with my final exams," you confided, shifting restlessly on the mattress.

"And then? What are you going to do?" Cillian inquired, his voice laced with concern.

"Law school, if I get in," you replied, your voice softening slightly.

"That sounds promising," Cillian commented, his tone brightening. "Do you think you will pass your exams with all that is happening right now?"

"I have to, right?" you replied, your voice cracking slightly.

"Yes, of course, but...," Cillian began but then stopped abruptly, noticing your hesitation. He knew that he couldn't push you too far, especially given the delicate nature of your predicament. You looked down, tugging at the hem of your shirt nervously.

"May I ask you something personal?" you ventured, shifting uncomfortably under his scrutiny.

"Of course," Cillian assured you, eager to learn more about your thoughts and feelings.

"Why exactly do you want me to keep the baby?" you probed tentatively, your curiosity piqued.

Cillian hesitated briefly, searching for the words to articulate his complex emotions.

"I guess I wanted to be father for a while, and I am most certainly not getting any younger either. Max is not my biological son and, whist I love him as if he was my own, I know that I may lose him sooner rather than later if my ex keeps carrying on the way she does. So, when I learned that you were carrying my child, Y/N," he faltered, his voice breaking slightly, "it felt like an opportunity for a second chance at parenthood. I mean, I don't want to impose my dreams on you, but the thought of having a child, a family, feels so meaningful to me," Cillian explained and you sat there quietly, absorbing every word Cillian spoke.

His honesty, his openness, and his willingness to share such intimate parts of himself touched you deeply but you were not ready to be a mother yet and this would not change overnight.

You hesitated briefly before answering, "I appreciate your honesty, Cillian, but I need some time to process everything."

"Of course," Cillian responded warmly "Whatever you choose, I promise to respect your decision."

As the conversation wound down, an awkward silence settled between you. Both of you were lost in your thoughts, wrestling with the implications of your shared predicament.

Cillian broke the silence first, suggesting that you reconsider moving to a safer neighborhood. "Regardless of whether you decide to keep the baby or not, you know that I can help you find a better place to stay, right?" he proposed generously.

"I know but...no, thank you, Cillian. I can manage on my own," you protested, your cheeks reddening slightly. "Besides, I am used to this now," you added, gesturing around the cramped quarters.

"It won't be easy, but I assure you, I can handle it," you assured him confidently, displaying strength and resilience.

You were grateful for Cillian's kindness but refused to depend on him, determined to forge your own path. "If you insist, then I will respect your wishes," Cillian conceded, acknowledging your stubbornness which was something that had drawn him to you in the first place.

"Thank you," you replied softly, gratitude swirling within you.

A brief silence ensued, the atmosphere thick with tension and anticipation. Neither of you dared break the silence, fearing that the wrong words might shatter the fragile equilibrium.

Cillian cast his gaze around the dimly lit room, pondering the situation. "We could take a walk and grab something to eat if you like," he suggested cautiously, eager to escape the confines of the cramped space. "I remember how much you like Chinese," he teased playfully, attempting to lighten the mood.

"I would love some food other than instant noodles," you admitted sheepishly as you gathered your belongings hastily, while Cillian attempted to conceal his amazement at your ability to pack everything into a single worn-out backpack. He couldn't imagine living in such conditions, and yet the admiration he felt for your perseverance grew stronger.

You grabbed your jacket and stepped into the chilly night air, the wind whipping your hair wildly around your face.

Cillian followed closely behind, his hands buried deep in his pockets. He kept his distance, giving you ample space to navigate the uneven cobblestone streets. As you walked together, the silence between you felt heavy with unspoken words and unresolved emotions.

"Are you feeling okay?" Cillian questioned tenderly, his eyes scanning your face carefully. Concern flickered across his features, and he reached out to touch your hand lightly. Your skin warmed beneath his fingertips, a subtle connection forming between you.

"Yes, I am," you answered honestly, turning your gaze away self-consciously.

"I have just been feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that is happening in my life right now," you confided, placing your hand on your stomach protectively. The truth was, you were still undecided about whether to proceed with the termination, and the constant reminder of this tiny life growing inside you was overwhelming.

"That is understandable," Cillian murmured sympathetically, offering you moral support. "It's a lot to deal with, especially all at once. But I promise to be here for you, regardless of the outcome," he reassured you, his gentle touch conveying his sincerity.

You gazed at him gratefully, appreciative of his unwavering commitment. Even though your emotions were torn between resentment and affection, it was impossible to deny the depth of Cillian's compassion.

"I know it must sound strange, but I feel...

I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, like this is all happening to someone else," you confessed, your voice wavering slightly. "Like I am just watching myself fall apart," you continued, pausing briefly to catch your breath.

"I understand," Cillian consoled you, his grip tightening fractionally on your hand. "I have been there, you know, feeling like I was trapped in a relentless cycle of my own creation after Danielle, and I lost our first baby. I was so focused on my own grief that I didn't notice hers and it quickly drove us apart," he divulged candidly, recalling the darkest moments of his life.

"I am so sorry, Cillian" you whispered softly, your hand reflexively clasping his.

"Don't be," he replied, his grip firming around your fingers. "It's all in the past now. We are finally getting a divorce, which was something I put off for far too long. Besides, I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't gone through it all," he added optimistically, a faint smile flickering across his lips.

You glanced at him, his optimism infectious. His strength amazed you, inspiring you to embrace your own challenges and rise above whatever obstacles lay ahead.

"A few days ago, you asked me whether I would give evidence against Danielle, about the assault," you mused aloud, staring down at the cobblestones below. "I will do it," you declared resolutely, your jaw set firmly. "You need to be able to see Max and she shouldn't withhold him from you regardless of what happened," you added emphatically, your tone hardening noticeably.

Cillian's heart swelled with pride and gratitude, admiring your courage and tenacity. "Thank you," he murmured, squeezing your hand tightly. "I don't expect you to," he added, hesitant to burden you further.

"No, it's important," you insisted, your voice steady with conviction while Cillian stared at you blankly, marveling at your strength and resolve. "Are you sure?" he asked, seeking reassurance.

"Yes, I am," you affirmed, smiling weakly. "But you need to buy me dinner, because I am broke," you joked, playfully nudging Cillian's shoulder.

"Consider it done," Cillian promised, leading you towards a restaurant he knew in the area.

When you arrived at a small Chinese diner nestled between two larger establishments, the scent of authentic stir fry and dumplings filled the air. The neon sign outside buzzed, casting ominous shadows along the street. You exchanged uncertain glances before stepping inside.

Inside, the restaurant was bustling with patrons, a lively mix of locals and tourists enjoying a late supper. The hostess greeted Cillian warmly, her eyes widening upon spotting him. You felt a rush of embarrassment, wondering why everyone seemed to recognize him.

"Can we get a booth please?" Cillian requested politely, guiding you toward a corner table nestled amidst the din of laughter and clinking dishes. The hostess obliged, smiling warmly as she led you both to your desired seating area.

As you slid into the cozy booth seats, you admired the quaint charm of the restaurant and the eclectic mix of patrons milling about. You couldn't help but feel a sense of relief, knowing that you were safely tucked away from the majority of the crowd, which you knew was why Cillian had chosen this table.

Soon after you were seated, you ordered your favorite dish, spicy fried rice and spring rolls, while Cillian ordered a variety of dishes to share, ensuring that you would enjoy the experience.

"Can you please not put any sprouts on any of these dishes?" Cillian requested politely, squirming slightly in his seat.

Confusion washed over your face. "I am sorry, but is there a reason why you dislike beansprouts?" you wondered curiously, genuinely perplexed.

"Oh, no...I like them. It's just that they are risky when you are pregnant. They sometimes carry listeria," Cillian clarified, his face scrunching up slightly. "You know, just in case you decide to keep the baby, there are some foods you shouldn't eat. I read it somewhere."

You paused, mulling over his words. "Well, then, I suppose we should avoid those," you chuckled nervously, exchanging a fleeting glance with Cillian.

The mention of the pregnancy stirred mixed emotions within you again, prompting a wave of discomfort. Yet, despite the turmoil brewing beneath the surface, you couldn't help but feel compelled by the notion of embracing this newfound potentiality.

"If I was to keep the baby, how would this work, between us?" you asked Cillian warily, trying to gauge his intentions.

Swallowing hard, Cillian shifted uneasily in his seat. "Well, I suppose that depends on what you want," he hedged cautiously, wanting to present a fair arrangement without jeopardizing your autonomy.

"I want to finish my studies and become a lawyer," you replied firmly, meeting his gaze head-on. "I need to focus on that and raising a child at the same time will be difficult," you explained, worry clouding your expression.

Cillian studied you intently, sensing the uncertainty behind your words. "I understand," he murmured, nodding slowly. "I truly do," he repeated, allowing himself a moment to gather his thoughts. "Let me propose something," he offered, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I will help you financially, however discreetly possible, until you graduate. I will buy you a house, for you and our child to live and, in return, you can let me be a part of our child's life. I can help look after the baby. You can work and study. Whatever you want to do. We can have a shared care arrangement in place," he proposed delicately but with determination burning in his eyes.

Your gaze drifted to the busy kitchen, watching the chefs whip up plates of delectable delights. The aromas wafting towards you stirred memories of your childhood spent cooking with your mother. You blinked back tears, yearning for a simpler time when life was less complicated. Swallowing hard, you turned your attention back to Cillian.

"Okay," you said, your voice barely audible amid the cacophony of the restaurant. "But, before I agree to anything, I need to clarify some things. First, you cannot buy me a house. That's too much and it wouldn't feel right," you argued fiercely, clutching your purse tightly.

Cillian shook his head vehemently, his gaze locked on yours. "Please, let me do this," he pleaded, his voice trembling slightly. "You cannot live the way you do with a child on the way," he implored earnestly, his blue eyes pleading with you.

"No, Cillian," you interrupted sternly, the corners of your mouth flattening into a thin line. "I refuse to be indebted to you. If I accept your offer, it will be on my terms."

"How about I buy the house on trust for our child, in my name, and you can pay the same amount of rent you are paying now, for the place you are living in," Cillian tried to compromise his initial proposal.

"That's more reasonable, I suppose," you agreed, your eyebrows arching upward.

"And where would you live?" you pressed, curious about the logistics of such an arrangement. Cillian hesitated, his gaze drifting to the candle flickering on the table.

"Nearby, I suppose," he muttered reluctantly, feeling the weight of responsibility bearing down on him.

Your heart raced, your palms sweating with anxiety. "Alright," you agreed, swallowing hard. "But I will not stop working or studying," you stressed adamantly, raising your chin defiantly. "I want to make a life for myself and our child," you declared, your voice steadying.

Cillian smiled widely, relief washing over him. "I understand," he assured you sincerely before asking "so you will keep the baby?"

You deliberated silently. The decision weighed heavily on your shoulders, as the gravity of your choice bore down on you. This little life growing inside you was a force to be reckoned with, a tangible reminder of the consequences of your actions.

Finally, you met Cillian's gaze, determination reflecting in your eyes. "Yes, I will," you confirmed softly, your voice scarcely rising above a whisper just before Cillian's phone buzzed and he received a message from his sister.

"You are an idiot!" was all it said on the screen before, suddenly, a photograph popped up beneath it.

You glanced at Cillian who was staring at his phone incredulously, his face crinkling in disbelief, seeing that someone had snapped a photo of you, together, holding hands, before posting it on Twitter.

Tags:

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#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy fanfic #cillian murphy fic

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qqueenofhades · 2 years

Note

I'm seeing a lot of leftists complain about Biden not being able to do anything and how Republican presidents were able to write executive orders for seemingly whatever they wanted, and I got confused. So i wanted to ask: why does it seem like Republicans can pass whatever they want whenever they want but Democrats can't?

Welp. This is, yet again, another Online Leftist "argument" that isn't correct, doesn't give an accurate view of the situation, and doesn't propose any helpful alternatives. I know that the Republicans can often feel like an overwhelming and unstoppable evil machine, but the truth is that despite the chaos and damage of Trump's four years to American democratic society and sociopolitical norms, he didn't actually pass much legislation -- even with a compliant Republican-controlled Congress from 2016-18. The Republicans didn't even succeed in legislatively repealing the ACA, despite trying zillions of times to do it, and mostly just passed tax cuts for rich people and other bad economic policy, since they could do it with budget reconciliation (the same process that Democrats used to pass the American Rescue Plan with only 50 votes in the Senate and no Republican support). Because budget/financial legislation isn't subject to the filibuster, the Republicans could pass it with the same simple-majority vote. But they didn't really succeed in doing much else.

Next, Trump's most onerous and infamous executive orders -- withdrawing from WHO and the Paris Agreement, the "Muslim Ban," etc etc -- were all in the list of things that Biden reversed on his first day in office. This is why, as myself and others have said, policy based solely on executive orders is never a long-lasting or ideal way to do something, since it's subject to instant repeal if an administration with different ideological priorities happens to succeed you. Besides, this whole "Biden should just executive order everything!!!" demand basically means that he should just... be Trump and try to exercise the presidency like a king? Online Leftists have no patience for or interest in the American democratic legislative process any more than the fascist wingnuts, and while I get the desire for a quick solution, that's still not going to be a magical panacea that fixes everything. It's not an excuse or an escape from having to put in the work.

Right now, Democratic control of Congress is slender and very contingent on whether Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema feel like supporting something in the Senate, and as long as they won't budge on reforming the filibuster, that means Democrats are likewise limited in what they can do from a legislative perspective. It's unfortunate that people deliberately don't understand that there's a huge difference between 60 Democratic senators and 50 Democratic senators, but there is, and since the Obama-era 59/60 Democratic Senate included seats in red states that a Democrat will never win again in the post-Trump era, it's always going to be a matter of very thin margins and major wrangling. None of this is to say that the Democrats shouldn't be doing more; obviously, they should, and I was sharply critical of Biden's initial response to the Roe overturn. Everything I have seen since has confirmed my opinion that the administration wasn't prepared, might not have thought it would really happen even after the draft leaked, and were wary of taking too "drastic" steps or openly trying to overrule the Supreme Court. This results from, as I have said before, Biden's over-reliance on his outdated belief that American democratic institutions will function more or less properly, even if they're currently staffed and controlled by terrible anti-democrat fascist evangelical nutcases. And that is... just not true, unfortunately.

That said, Biden has picked up the pace in recent days: he issued an executive order to maintain abortion access insofar as possible, the Department of Health and Human Services issued guidance that any federally funded hospital must provide a life-saving abortion regardless of state laws, Democrats in the Senate are trying to pass legislation preserving the right to travel out of state for care, and there is talk of Biden declaring a federal public health emergency, which would likewise preserve access at least in the life-threatening cases. None of this happened in the first weeks after the overturn, and I'm glad to see it happening now, even if there are still more steps to be taken. But as I have explained many, many times, an executive order does not magically work everything out and fix it immediately. It directs the relevant federal departments to come up with and implement a solution, and that still takes time and effort. And as I said, it is the least durable and most easily overturned form of policymaking, and should not be the option of first resort for any number of reasons.

The current leftist demand just seems to be "issue an executive order that instantly fixes everything and makes SCOTUS irrelevant so we don't have to feel any guilt about not voting for Clinton and laughing off everyone who warned us that this was going to happen." And that, likewise, is totally unrealistic. Biden can take concrete steps with his executive authority to ameliorate the situation to some degree; he has done some already, and hopefully will be pushed into more. But there is no way to simply remove SCOTUS as a major political piece, or make its decisions irrelevant, or wave our hand and pretend it doesn't exist. There are still obviously far more barriers to abortion care and access than there were while Roe was the law of the land, and that was the direct and intended result of them overturning it. That is not going to disappear.

Anyway. The claim that "Republicans can always do whatever they want and Democrats can't because they just don't try" is not true. As noted, the Republicans didn't actually do that much during Trump's time in office, and all their major victories now are coming as a result of the Republican-hijacked SCOTUS handing down decisions that are not easy to reverse, challenge, or otherwise get around. This is exactly why the Republicans played the long game with the direct goal being to capture the judiciary, especially the Supreme Court, and why Democrats need to expand or significantly reform it if any of us plan on having any civil rights again in our lifetimes. But to do that, we need to get an actual working majority in the Senate, hold the House, and then keep the pressure up for the promised filibuster reform and subsequent legislation to actually get done. I know that pointing out that things take time and have concrete steps that need to be accomplished in a certain order isn't as satisfying or pithy as "just do it all now and stop making excuses!!!", but it is, alas, still the case.

#anonymous #ask #politics for ts

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jacevelaryonswife · 11 months

Text

Maybe I just wanna be yours

Even though he were handsome and kind, you were successful in avoiding fantasizing about Billy, after all, what is the possibility of seeing him again?

∴pairing: Billy Washington x Fem!reader

∴warnings and a note: fluffy and smut, english is not my first language. This shot was made for this request. 2,8k

ewanverse characters

Your routine was well defined. You would wake up early to work as a waitress at a local restaurant, which worked in the morning until late and was open for breakfasts and lunches, then you would come home and study for a few hours, to finally spend the rest of the day with your mother. Even smaller and working hours less than the other establishments, the restaurant was quite old, classic and well located, with a satisfactory flow of customers every day. It was not exactly what you imagined for your life, but it was a good job, with a good salary and close to your home, a real rarity to find. When the financial situation of your house stabilized, you planned to take a vocational course or a college, but so far you hadn’t made up your mind. While this didn’t happen, you enjoyed the happiness that life provided you, whether it was staying at home on lazy days, taking some walks, buying things, taking advantage of the day off or trying to find some nice guy, but the latter was more of a torment than a happiness in fact.

You've had one night stands and some failed attempts at romance, but you've never found a minimally decent guy to be ideal. You see, you were demanding, but you knew how to be flexible in your choices and yet immense bad luck seemed to haunt your love life. Maybe the mistake was in you after all, maybe you weren't ideal for anyone, not even for the guy who made you pay the dinner bill and blamed you for not being able to make you cum.

No, heavens! He was an asshole, idiot and profiteer, you deserved more than that asshole! But so many disappointments made you stop looking for someone.

Your life was followed the way it was in recent months, a good routine and a well-deserved rest, without many big emotions and weekly happiness in small things, until everything changed when he, Billy, showed up.

An attitude that constantly embarrassed you was to imagine your life with some clients you served, it was pathetic and needy, but you couldn't contain yourself sometimes. Because of the last events of your life, you stopped paying attention to them, but then a tall and slender figure entered a calmer moment of the day, with dirty blonde hair and such beautiful blue eyes. You anticipated to serve him, since your co-worker was with two other desks, greeting him with a simple smile without showing your teeth. “Hello, welcome to Little Jim, I will be in charge of your table. If you need anything, just call,” you said.

“Thank you,” he said softly, returning the smile.

To your surprise, your boss had known him for some time — from what you listened discreetly.

"Billy, how are you, lad? What about Lana? It's been so long since I've seen you two," Jay said with one hand on his shoulder.

"She's fine, you know, a lot at work," he, Billy, replied.

“What about you? Did you find something nice? Something with computers, huh? It's the job of your young people's dream."

Billy lowered his head with a small weak smile. “I got a nice job, the last few years have been a little tough but I managed to reverse the situation,” he pouted.

"You deserve it, you're a good boy and you have the same blood as your sister. Feel free here, who is serving you?"

You pretended to be waiting for the order from the other table as you turned to disguise yourself, but soon heard your name being called by you with a large amount of white threads and looked at him in false curiosity as you walked to his side.

"Take good care of my lad Billy, he's a special customer!" He said playful.

“I will, don't worry,” you smiled at both of them, but even more at Billy, who returned your gesture with sweetness and shyness.

Even though he were handsome and kind, you were successful in avoiding fantasizing about Billy, after all, what is the possibility of seeing him again?

Surprisingly you was discharged, since approximately five days later he returned to the restaurant, but this time he was attended by Nancy, your co-worker and another single waitress. Even busy, you looked at him a few times and caught him stealing glances at you too, causing a shy smile on both of you. No words were exchanged between you that day, but the fate seemed to reserve good things, since three days later he appeared again, only at the time you were closing. You knew you should say goodbye to your boss and leave, but Billy looked so handsome with his clean hair and trimmed beard...

You wanted him to talk to something, anything in your direction.

And then, when you signaled to your boss that you were on your way to catch the bus, he apparently had another idea.

"Billy, are you still living in the same apartment?" He asked, stating that you lived on his own streets. Oh... he lived near...

Mm.

No, stop.

While you were daydreaming about the fact, your boss was already planning some things, such as a possible ride, until you realized it. "Oh no, you don't have to bother!"

"It's not a problem, I'm going home anyway."

Although you was reluctant to accept it, Jay insisted that you go. It would be a hand in the wheel and an economy in your money, what could go wrong? As you got into the car, your old boss blinked suggestively at Billy, making him blush and lower his head in shame. What was better than a cupid?

“Thank you for the ride, it's very kind of you,” you said.

“You're welcome, it's no problem,” he said softly. "So... how long have you been working for Jay?" He tried.

“A few months ago. It's a good job, and he's a good boss,” you answered sympathetically. "And you, how long have you known him?"

"Since I was a kid, he's been a friend of my family."

"Oh, that's good."

The desire to look for another subject was mutual, as well as the shy silence that followed, neither of them confident in asking something particular from the other, so Billy asked another comprehensive question.

"Have you lived here for a long time?"

You watched him calmly, although your heart was a little racing. "A few years ago, not many, we lived somewhere else but things got a little difficult and we need to move."

“I understand,” he contemplated your answer.

"What about you?"

“I've always lived in the region, but I've been living alone for some time,” he replied.

Again the silence gained strength, only more comfortable than before since neither of you were so nervous. However, your side that avoided fantasizing about the beautiful blonde and his incredibly big hands? You can forget it. You were already thinking about him and his pleasant smell, and luckily for him, he remembered Jay's suggestive wink and decided to act when he arrived at your apartment.

“Thank you again,” you said with a shy smile.

"You're welcome, so, would you like to go out for coffee someday?" Billy asked slowly. Oh, how he hated these situations! His self-esteem was not a big deal and receiving a no from a beautiful girl was not pleasant, but then life - and you - seemed to smile at him.

"I'd love to go out with you. But I'm not a big fan of coffee,” you timidly confessed.

Heavens, the little smile he showed you was so cute and sweet, as if your answer had illuminated his whole life. "So what do you suggest?

“Can you give me your number so we can arrange it?"

“Sure,” he gave you the number and his full name. Billy Washington. You had a date with Billy Washington at the weekend at a cute local desserts place that you always wanted to go to. Your mind became restless when you got home, looking for him immediately on social networks to learn more about him. His Instagram didn’t have so much actionable information and the last update was about a year, Facebook was a little more revealing about some curiosities about his age and education — Twitter was out of the question. He was older than you, which caused a different excitement in your belly. But even with your efforts to find out things about your date, that night Billy and you began to chat by messages, starting a routine where curiosities about you were exchanged.

The anxiety built on your body had peaks and falls over the days, disturbing your thoughts. How should you go? Should you really go? After so many loving disappointments your mind and heart were not the most hopeful in a new endeavor, but the fire and the desire to find a love and be found by it were still lit in you. That's why you chose your best products to get ready that day, starting with a fragrant soap for the bath, the hair care kit, waxing cream, moisturizer and body oil, perfume and makeup. You were beautiful and serene, and you knew you would cry if things went wrong this time.

Luckily for you, Billy was extremely punctual. Quickly saying goodbye to your mother and making sure you would send her some messages to say you was fine, you greeted him when you saw him wait in front of the car.

“Hi,” your smile was wider than usual.

“Hi. You look pretty,” he said in a soft voice, opening the car door for you to enter.

“Thank you, you too.”

Maybe fate intended to smile at you, since from the moment you chose the table the dialogue was present at full speed. He talked about his sister's work in the bomb squad, his own work in information technology, some stories of his life and his tastes. You did the same, talking about your reality, your dreams, what you wanted to conquer and the things you found happiness. There was no pattern of dialogue, since at one hour he was telling about his uncle who named his dogs with atypical names, followed by you telling how you fell on your first day of employment.

At the end of each report there was a gaze full of expectation on both sides, an unspoken suggestion. Maybe he was the guy. But it was you who took the first step.

"I wanted to ask something. Doesn't it bother you to go out with someone younger?" Your voice was low and uncertain.

"Doesn't it bother you to go out with someone older?" He answered with another question.

“No, it doesn't bother you,” you said.

"Neither me."

It was already night when you asked for the bill and he fervently insisted to pay, holding your waist on the way back to the car. Your next step was bold, preventing him from opening the door for you as he leaned against it and gently pulled it by the hand to stand in front of you.

“I had a lot of fun today,” you leaned your two hands gently on his chest.

"Me too," he circled your waist, "but you don't have to do that if you don't want to."

A bold smile shone on your face before saying, "I want to. And you?"

He smiled too.

“Me too.”

Your lips touched each other with sweet tenderness, soft and shy as you tasted each other quickly.

"Do you want to come home with me?"

He didn't have to make an effort to convince you to say yes.

Just a few seconds after the apartment door closed, Billy traced his thumb over your lower lip before you kissed again, more intense than before. You held both sides of his head and leaned on his soft lips, returning the anxious desire to prove it. The wet and gentle kiss made you float in his arms, making it easy for him to take your body to the room to undress you without haste, passing his long fingers through each exposed piece of skin. You closed your eyes when you felt the steaming sensation of tongues and teeth in your neck, allowing yourself to sigh loudly. His hands kneaded your naked breasts and the flesh of your ass while diving into your neck, flooding yout mind with such delicious sensations.

“Let me take it off,” you said while holding the hem of his shirt, getting space to grope his deliciously defined chest and with some hair. God, he was so handsome.

You leaned over to return the kisses on his soft chest, sucking the pink areolas to provoke him — and apparently it worked, as the tightness on your waist got sharper. He moaned softly when you spanned him over your pants, closing your eyes and leaving erotic sounds with the intimate massage received. Your hands were masturbating him and your mouth tasting his abdomen were making him warm and needy, making him move away against his taste to remove his pants, shoes and socks.

He pulled you for a messy and wet kiss, sucking your tongue and tasting your tasty lips. He squeezed your ass and waist while depositing your body on the bed, retreating to pick up the condom package in the nightstand drawer.

You felt in the clouds when kisses were planted on your inner thighs, contributing to the accumulation of moisture in your flower.

“Your skin is so soft,” he purred satisfied.

“Mmm. Thank you,” your voice was sly.

And then, your panties were removed to expose your needy intimacy and bright entrance, making his mouth water while more kisses were destined to his belly. “You’re so damn beautiful,”

“You too,” you said out of breath. The wet and loving trail followed your breasts, where he sucked, licked and nibbled like a hungry and spoiled man, making you purr like a cat and your pussy squeeze for him. Your legs caged him and you pulled him for a terrifying kiss full of tongue and teeth crashing, you wanted him so much, you needed him so much. Your hand pulled his beautiful hair while gently scratching the light skin of his shoulder, making him moan and grind against your pussy. “Billy,” you sighed expectantly, every vein of your body burning in eagerness to receive you.

He moved away weakly to remove the last piece of his body and put on the condom, smoothing your leg before adjusting to your entrance. Your eyes closed when he felt him enter and a moan left your throat in the sensation. Billy was slow to push on you, but just as noisy. He held your thighs before moving gradually, at a deliciously slow and constant pace, making you relax and squeeze on his perfect cock.

“Mmm Billy.”

He moaned deeply as he leaned over your body to capture your lips in a quick and superficial kiss, sinking into your neck as he continued to slowly fuck your body. Your legs caged him when the friction of their bodies became too terrifying to hold, so stupidly good to be real, so affectionate and hot that it made you shipwreck with pleasure. His speed increased when you started to squeeze him more intensely, getting lost in yous body and in your hot and wet grip.

"So good… fuck.”he praised you close to your ear, contributing to the construction of your majestic peak that made you moan loudly and twitch belos him with fire burning your body and clear lights blinding your sight. You loved him, it was almost certain — or the orgasm made you believe it.

“I'm close,” he warned breathlessly and with wandering movements before cumming with a deep moan, weighing a little on your body, which you willingly left.

You smiled satisfied and happy for the amazing sex and for the whole set of the night, but a weight on your chest appeared soon after to harm your peace. What if that was all he wanted? Just one night. Oh no, please don't! How should you approach the subject without spoiling the most pleasant weather? Luckily for you, he decided to start.

"Did you like it?" A classic question asked when he rolled to your side after discarding the condom.

“Yes, I did, I liked our day today,” you confessed.

"Me too," he brought you to his chest, "could become common, us you know," he suggested with expectation.

"Do you want it too?" Your eyes shone when he asked, "because I would love to. Us."

Billy smiled, cradling you even closer, his eyes as bright as yours.

"It's a mach, then."

———————————

ewanverse taglist: @aemonds-fire @partypoison00 @schniiipsel @fan-godess

general: @chompchompluke @kravitzwhore @partypoison00

#billy washington #billy washington x you #billy washington x reader #trigger point #smut #billy washington smut #fem!reader #Billy Washington x fem!reader #ewanverse

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todaysbird · 1 year

Note

so the thing is about a lot of animal 'experts' on tumblr, it's just random people with no experience that feel entitled to tell others about how to keep their animals. if this is seriously your career path/calling in life why is this the only place you talk about animals

Even though this wasn’t phrased particularly nicely, I get the point you’re trying to get across. I do ‘talk about animals’ in a professional capacity, I just don’t always share it here if it’s not relevant.

As far as knowledge about birds, I do have personal and professional experience. I personally have kept parrotlets and chickens (while the latter is boring to a lot of people, there IS a right and wrong way to care for chickens). Professionally, I hatched & raised chickens on a farm, and I volunteered with rescued parrots for about 3 years. My duties there were much the same as a parrot owner, just with over 300 birds present - cleaning cages, creating enrichment, feeding, preparing food, so on. I had the opportunity to work with species ranging from macaws to cockatiels. I’m a semester away from finishing my degree in Environmental Science, which taught me a lot about birds and wildlife generally. I’m also a certified Aviculturist through the American Federation of Aviculture. This is basically a certificate stating that I’ve completed training to breed/raise birds, and while I’m not personally a bird breeder, I have used this knowledge for professional opportunities. I understand this isn’t as exciting as being a field researcher, but I’m also in my early 20s and I have a less than ideal financial situation for a lot of internships.

Outside of birds, I do professionally write about animals in general. I’m a staff writer for DogTime, a regular guest writer for sister site CatTime, and I’ve written on a freelance basis for a lot of other animal publications. I have a short blurb on starlings in an upcoming book, which I’ll happily share details about when the time comes! I also worked my way up to have the knowledge I do about pets generally. I’ve volunteered with dogs and cats for more years than I can count, as well as previously working in a boarding kennel. My name besides Mr Todaysbird is Patrick Kuklinski, so if you want you can give me a Google to verify that yes I’m a real person and I have done these things.

While I definitely have a lot to learn, I have done the research on the opinions I share, and my intention is only to further knowledge of how to care for animals. There’s a reason I rarely share veterinary type knowledge, and it’s that I have 0 qualification to do so.

#asks

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sleepy-aletheas · 3 days

Text

Hi, @iridescentmirrorsgenshin ! I'm finally putting my thoughts down about your doc, and I didn't anticipate this to come out of it (that's a lie, this is exactly what I predicted). I kinda got stuck on the section of Alhaitham's egoism and ended up with 1.8k words I'm not even sure make sense. I'm not even gonna apologize, this is a lot of fun.

But I wanted to genuinely thank you for ever writing it, it's nice to have all of your thoughts and observations to fall back on to, so I can pick my brain about something that makes me giddy.

This is less about a deeper reading on Alhaitham and Kaveh, or reinterpretation of what you wrote, and more of me going feral and adding what I call "supplemental thoughts". Or maybe it's all of the above, I'm not sure, someone else can be the judge of that.

Anyways.

The conflict between Alhaitham and Kaveh can be surmised at a glance as either: If Egoism is the ideal of living life by one's design and desires not decided by The Collective, then Altruism has to be the ideal where one has no decision about their own life until the lives of The Collective are thriving. Or it can also be: if Altruism is the ideal of living life by helping others live better to not overstep each other’s boundaries, then the Egoist has to turn a blind eye to the need of others and their passive life is contributing to everyone’s misery.

At least that is how it's usually pitted against each other from the perceived (and in many cases valid) opposition of ways of thinking. The Individual vs The Collective is an interesting way to divide people's needs after all.

Altruism in Kaveh’s case comes with a lot of baggage for him personally.

Financially, he got ruined and that struggle was an uphill battle ever since; we could even see it as a Sisyphus moment, where he pushes through his debt for financial freedom (trying to reach his own egoism), only to willingly jump down the hill to help others, ruining all his progress, and usually hurting himself in the process (even if that hurt is more on the psyche than physically).

Emotionally, it also can be complicated - he doesn't fear showing feelings, if it's in the scope of being loud or excited or openly frustrated; he blasts it all with no reserve, no shame. But he doesn't get angry, or sad, or upset. The only times anyone sees that side of him is if he's drinking, or he's too tired, or you're Alhaitham. He sees his own emotions as a heavy burden, and he doesn't want to share that weight, because of the bias that it's him. He can be miserable, because he can bear it just fine. But if someone else should do that with themselves, then that's a problem, and he has the need to help, because he knows how miserable it feels to deal with it alone. A self-imposed punishment.

But what is often times overlooked, is that Altruism in the end is a choice. People choose to do good, even on the expense of their own luxury, because of their own perceived morality and want to help.

Everyone has different reasons for being altruistic - some hate harm and cruelty in general, so they actively try to battle it, so it's not around them anymore; some lived through bad situations and want to save or help heal someone else going through it; some can see it as a self-esteem boost, because they got the skills and means to do good, so they have to be good too. It's not a cut-and-dry, one-size-fits-all type of ideal.

And yet, even if it's meant to be a positive outlook on life, a lifelong project to make the world better, if not for oneself, then someone else, it can be used as a self-harming action that would be frowned upon if someone tries to stop it.

"This person is in need, and you want me to stop? Are you really so cruel and selfish?" is a common enough excuse to push anyone questioning a person's negative altruism from ever trying to stick their nose into their method again, because The Collective usually only sees the deed and the positive result of the person helped, and not the detriment the helper acquired through their stunt. It's a very effective self-punishment if anything, especially if the person harbors so much resentment and guilt for themselves that they want to repent for their subjective sins and be absolved of the negativity (and yet, if someone has those thoughts and feelings for long enough, there is a hope in them that they never get absolved and can be punished forever, because that brings a different side of relief).

And we can easily assume that Kaveh, even with all good genuine intentions, uses his ideal for his detriment on purpose; well, maybe not 100% consciously and deliberately, but he could seek the emotional drop that his altruism gives him on a subconscious level. The fall is just as exhilarating as a high, the adrenaline will be the same in the end. It’s the aftermath that differs, and by then it’s too late to back out.

Alhaitham having the awareness that Altruism is not inherently bad just makes this discussion more tense. We can see he thinks helping people is the right thing. He doesn't have anything against the ideal itself, but he is now aware of the negative way the ideal can be practiced then when he was a student, never seeing the darker possibility.

Now he lives with somebody he cares about, and they don't care about themselves, actively chasing hurt and then refuse help they preach about and give out to others themselves. It's exhausting; it's terrifying; it's heartbreaking. And he did try to talk about it before, he tried to make Kaveh see the true nature of his Altruism. And how did it end? With a torn project paper, a name taken off on said project, long silence stretching over years, and now a rocky coexistence that has so much to talk things over, but pride and hurt doesn't allow it. Of course he would be harsh and critique it on every single turn he gets.

Alhaitham's individualism is something that always makes me pause from a writing standpoint.

Meanwhile he does a good job at following the key principles of it - he has his own house, his cushy job with a set time, his reading and own way of thinking. All of that makes him self-sufficient. He chose these things. He made them essential parts of his comfort and needs, and he refuses to compromise on their existence and their specific boundaries.

He doesn't want to be the Grand Sage, the position of Scribe fits perfectly withing the scope of the energy he is willing to spend. He doesn't need a bigger house, or lots of popular aesthetics, because he doesn't need that to feel comfortable. He doesn't waste time yapping about nothing with people he doesn't care about, he rather uses that time reading or talking to people he likes and values.

All of that is…almost perfect. It’s hard to pick it apart like Kaveh’s Altruism, because it’s almost as if we’re past Alhaitham’s realization and change for the better. There are things to pick on about how he does things, I suppose, but that is less to do with his ideals and more with how he acts, it stops being a narrative problem and more of a thing to nitpick at a personal taste.

About the misunderstanding about egoism and narcissism: From my observation, Egoism is commonly associated with Narcissism, mostly through the misconception about self-importance, and the limits between acting in self-benefit and in harming others.

Meanwhile individualistic ideals prefer to focus on the person themselves (their needs, their fulfillment not depending on someone else, their agency, their freedom of choice), it gets lumped into Narcissism, solely because that person thinks about themselves first.

Except people love to ignore that Narcissism is putting oneself above the rest and disregarding the needs and wellbeing of others, Egoism is more about someone taking care of themselves to the point where they are in a shape they could use for better things (e.g. if someone struggles with mental health, bringing them into a straining situation because it benefits others is foolish, as the person can break down, can be harmed, and then the situation and the people involved have more problems on their hands than before; but if the person focuses on getting better first, then they could go into the same straining situation, but coming out fine, because they have the capacity to endure it).

But even if Egoism can be a good ideal to follow, its negative practice can be a very ironic situation. If the individual is trying to pursue Egoism because they "wanna stick it to the man" and do all of that to go against the grain for the sake of going the opposite way, they lose their individualism and choice to have a life according to their beliefs and not The Collective. They still let the society dictate their life, but if they don't know yet how to exist for themselves, they believe crossing the road to walk the opposite direction of everyone else somehow sets them apart from the rest, and gives them full autonomy. It's almost a desperate placebo to not feel helpless and dependent. It also makes the understanding of choice an absolute mess, because they don't know what choice is and how it can look.

So when Egoism and Altruism are pitted against each other, it's just the choice to help the self against the choice to help someone else. Make others feel better by making their own life better / make oneself feel better by making the life of another better. Two sides of the same coin, really.

It's a mirror image. Mirrors don't show absolute opposites, it's the same object, but it can be from a different angle, a different medium, a different feeling. The mirror can be the surface of a still lake, the reflection in a tinted window, even a shadow in a sense is a reflection of something.

Alhaitham seems to be way ahead of knowing that both him and Kaveh aren’t a hundred percent right in how their ideals work right now. Both could use some improvements, rearrangements, reconsiderations, moving boundaries around for a more fulfilling answer that actually works and is not dictated what their teen selves tried to set into stone.

We can see it in how Alhaitham navigates the situation with Kaveh - how he prods at him; dances around topics and fights; how he pushes and pulls and jabs and waits for reactions to note down for future use and consideration. And when he oversteps, he backs away, creates distance, ceases his teasing, because he knows better. That is his go at altruism, putting his own comfort to the side to help another (even if it’s through an egoist lens).

And honestly? Kaveh might also know both of their ideals aren’t fine tuned yet either. He lives through the consequences of his own actions he orchestrated. If anybody knows the flaws of his ideals, it’s him first and foremost. But there are more blocks and obstacles in his way of becoming better, of tuning it to an actually usable means of living. And he knows that to actively pursue his ideals, he needs to learn how to reach his own individualism so he can be strong enough to be altruistic (so really, his egoism is still through the lens of altruism).

Both of them struggle with their pride - a scholar’s fatal flaw - and their joined character arc pretty much heads to them learning through each other to set it aside and embrace the reflection of their own ideal to actually make it a reality in a way that is worth striving for.

#i'm absolutely losing my mind #i've been pouring over this the whole night and finally formulated it into *something*#if this is the result of babbling about a single part of the doc then idk how long the rest will be #the thought got off the rails somewhere and i have no idea if it makes any sense #sorry. i'm gonna do it again #haikaveh #this doc lives rent-free in my head and it's so comforting #if i made any grammatical errors then i blame a sleepless night and my cat

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system-of-a-feather · 3 months

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Here's the thing I feel a lot of people have a lot of trouble wrapping their heads around regarding my trauma responses and mental health profile and all is just that some of my arguably most "symptomatic" moments tend to ALSO be my most productive - either on a personal or societal level. And I don't mean to say that in a good way either.

I can't really properly genuinely and full heartedly feel right complaining because in the end of the day, my life gets better and better at a rapid rate and most decisions while biting off a lot more immediate stress do make it so that I am doing way better than other people in my situation would

But at the same time, it never stops and even if everything I do makes my life better and better, I really really don't know how to stop and I struggle to stop and due to a combination of trauma-driven behavior and just shit that is so so so so deeply ingrained, every time I get a moment of extended peace, I end up creating a really good, really productive multi month plan and just consume my time that way.

And I know that I'm doing it - every time I know that I am doing it, but I can't really just say no when the alternative is that I have to sit with the extreme discomfort of stagnancy and sit in an experience I am not used to, be aware of and tolerate a state of stress and misery when I know how to fix it, and just generally knowingly doing what I am certain would be a positive in favor of a hypothetical, theoretically healthy "break"

As a result, I rarely really get the chance to stop and take a break. I rarely get the chance to stop and ENJOY the fruit of my labor. I always have a moment in the future to work for and it's exhausting.

Anyways, I just made a huge plan that is gonna take up a good chunk of time and I am super excited but I'm also, just for a minute looking at myself and sighing, cause its a huge hassle and I am once again filling my down time with manufactured challenges.

Yeah the challenges will greatly help my life so it isn't POINTLESS challenges, but again - I always have to ask myself - where is the end to this?

Every year, every month, every time, that's the question I always have to ask and I never really have a satisfactory answer - only loose theoreticals.

At what point, can I just enjoy existing?

At what point will I stop chasing an amorphous "when things are right" and "when nothing can disrupt our security" and "when I have [insert environmental change]".

Cause honestly, at this point, all I want is a place and sustainable life style to roost in. I wanna make a nest and just sleep in it. I'm probably not Riku, either Fei or some fragment part, because I know Riku TM has so many projects that theyd want to work on IN their roost, but I dunno. I personally just honestly want to stop having to have three bags packed and ready to fly the coop

I really really can't complain though. This flight, while absolutely driven by this extremely entrenched maladaptive coping mechanism and a total flight response to life challenges, is a very very very smart decision and direction to go and I think its a good idea and will help us in the long run and all that on a mental, financial, socio-emotional, and physical level, but I really can't say I'm not tired of Doing This.

For context, since I don't think we ever said it, Riku felt moderately anxious and mildly depressed (they have been this whole time because they can't sit and wait for other people to give information so they can plan things) and checked up on a thing and in less than 48 hours

>decided they were going to assume PhDs all were rejecting us (fair) rather than hoping cause our system really doesn't do "hope" we just Do Action >decided they were done living in California cause its stupid expensive >decided to check out jobs in Colorado (one of our ideal long term end goal states to live in) >decided to apply to three >got an interview back for 2 >got a job offer >began active coordination with our fiance to move to Colorado

And it's great, it honestly really is. (figured it out, mostly Chunn lol) On all levels its a good idea and it brings us closer to the "when we have [nonexhaustive list of things that need to be met in life] we can enjoy" which is honestly something we need + we've been needing to get out of this area that we grew up in mental health wise. The level of which we can confidentally make these decisions as a whole and our ability to plan and what not is great and amazing

It's just also like.... damn we really work fast and sometimes its hard to keep up with ourselves man.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to it. I am, there's like so many great places for me to walk and bike and sit and shit there compared to here. I just also am still the part that is a variation of Data who I know would be having an aneurysm and this is all a lot for my headass that just wants to sit and look at trees.

Sometimes I'm too autistic for this system and how fast they move and make changes. It's ableist, I struggle with transitions //joking//

#alter: chunn #chunn chats #vent #vent tw #colorado saga

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not-a-space-alien · 8 months

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K&J x MMSS 3: Kane & Valen Part 13

Chapter 13 of the third crossover with @whumpsday!

K&J masterlist

MMSS masterlist

K&J x MMSS crossover masterlist

SERIES IS 18+ ONLY.

This is the last chapter of this crossover!! Thank you so much to everyone who followed along on this journey. This is one of my favorite pieces that Mill and I have written together, because of how sweet and tender it turns out at the end. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I have.

Although this is the last we’ll be posting of this particular AU, we have a lot of other crossovers that we’ll probably be sprucing up and posting! Keep an eye out because we’ll probably be posting a poll to ask which one everyone would like to see us to post next.

Until then, enjoy!

In this chapter: Sweet, sweet divorce and a well-earned happy ending

Warnings: References to institutionalized dehumanization, misgendering a transmasculine character, references to intimate partner violence, mentions of past rape (off-screen)

***

Valen wakes up gently, gradually, and not scared or in pain at all. Next to the one person he has rock solid confidence loves him totally and unconditionally.

Kane is still asleep, mouth slightly agape, fangs poking out. Valen finds it adorable. He reaches one hand out to gently stroke Kane’s hair, and Kane closes his mouth and lets out a satisfied breath, leaning into the touch without waking up. He looks so very cozy and comfortable that Valen is inspired to simply lean into him and go back to sleep himself.

***

They sleep through the day, and when night comes again, they go back out into society. It feels very weird to be surrounded by vampires again, after so long in human territory.

They buy blood, as much of it as they can expect to drink before it goes bad. Oh, the underappreciated joy of being able to just go out and get packs of blood to drink. They get the ethical stuff–it's not Valen's first time buying it, but it is Kane's.

In a previous life, Kane may have complained that it doesn't taste as good due to the longer delivery time making it a bit stale. He now holds no such sentiments. Any blood at all is a gift from the universe, and he likes knowing that no one had to be hurt to get it. There’s been more than enough hurt.

He writes and sends a long apology letter to Bellamy, including his new phone number–Valen’s number–explaining that he's alive and he'd like to reconcile. He knows that Bellamy and Valen would love each other, and is looking forward to that as well. He gets his financials sorted out with his family's accountant, so they have ample funds and Valen’s husband has no control over him any longer.

Now that it's the next night, Kane decides to bring up the thoughts he pushed aside yesterday.

"Valen, I just want to say that I'm sorry if it hurt, when we were... together before. I didn't know what I was doing, or that I was supposed to help you relax first. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I know it's bad memories. I just wanted to apologize."

Unfortunately, it had hurt, a little at the start. Valen is overwhelmed for a second by the memory, and by how much he'd hated Kane in the moment, despite the situation being completely out of his control.

"I doubt Nick really would have let you," he admits. "It was hardly an ideal time to be learning how to please one's partner." He sits down on the loveseat. His arms are full of the mail he'd picked up from his landlord, and he starts rifling through it to keep his hands busy. It's a literal armful. "If it's any consolation to you, you were... smaller, in that area, than Nick was, so it always hurt less. I'm certain it hurt much less for me than it did for you when Nick did it to you."

The horror of watching Kane have to experience that while practically in his lap is burned into Valen’s brain. He feels like if they have enough new memories of each other in the throes of pleasure, maybe that will scrub the image away, the horrible way it started.

"Yes, I'm glad for that," Kane agrees. Nick always made him hurt to the point of bleeding, and at least that wasn't the case for him and Valen. "It'll only be good from now on," he adds with a smile. Maybe that’s naive of him, but it certainly can’t ever be as bad as it was.

Valen smiles back, but then his hands falter on the mail in his hand. "O-oh," he says, and he's instantly in tears. "I-I-I got a letter from Priscus. I didn't think he knew where I live. I-I guess he knows my new address."

Kane has only met Priscus Kithrara briefly, but everything he knows about the man from Valen makes him hate him more and more. He gently puts his hand over Valen's. "He can't hurt you anymore. I know I've promised to protect you many times, and failed. This time, I really can. He will never touch you again. Do you want me to read the letter for you and let you know if there's anything important in it?"

Valen hands the letter to Kane with a shaking hand. "That-that sounds good. Yes, please."

When Kane unfolds the letter, he finds enclosed a glossy photograph of a beautiful cat with white fur and blue eyes. The letter reads:

To my dearest turtledove,

The whole staff here at the manor is looking forward to your return. I know you are confused and emotional, but know that my patience will never run out. I only want what's best for you. Whenever you need me, just call for me and you know I'll come running. I know you are away right now, seeing the world, but your home will be waiting for you when you get back. My whole family is eager to see you safe back at my side, and I will do whatever it takes to make things right.

I know you were distraught over the loss of your beloved pet all those years ago, so to make our home more inviting to you, I have acquired the finest replacement, exactly to your taste, down to the way she trills and follows you around the house. She still has not been bestowed a name, which is a right that I reserve for you upon your return to the estate.

Please call me when you get this, so I know you are safe.

Love,

Priscus

"He got a cat and wants you to name her." Kane summarizes, leaving off all of Priscus's flowery, manipulative language. "He also wants you to call him. And there's a picture of the cat."

Valen takes the picture, sighing exasperatedly. "Of course he did. Of course he does. This is just like him. He always does this. He treats me like a child–except one that he can have sex with–and then when it upsets me, he tries to placate me with gifts." Valen is suddenly self-conscious. He knows that Kane is not one for one-upmanship in terms of comparing suffering, but compared to the way Kane's family treats him, Priscus must sound like an absolute sweetheart, giving him gifts and saying he loves him. "He has no idea how to make me actually happy–or is simply unwilling to do it."

Kane eyes the confused and emotional part of the letter again and rolls his eyes at it, crumpling it up. "He sounds like a creep. As if you can't get a cat on your own if you wanted to. I should go over there and make him sign those divorce papers once and for all. Maybe it'd be a wake-up call if he knew you were dating Kane de Sang," he says with a smirk.

Valen puts his hand to his mouth. "Do you think so?" He has no idea how Priscus will react to the idea that he's now dating someone else. It will certainly be unexpected, but it could go either way of him simply giving up...or of him getting even more possessive and domineering. "If-If you mean it, I suppose maybe it could work...I know he has a low opinion of you, unfortunately, but you're a man, so he might...recognize you as, er, having a right to claim territory, so to speak. It might make him realize this separation is permanent and not temporary. Although....Kane, I'm worried he will get violent."

"I was thinking the low opinion would work in our favor,” Kane explains. “If he knows you left him for me, despite it all, that might get it through his thick skull." His hands curl into fists as he considers the implications of Valen's words, how Valen would know that Priscus gets violent. "I hope he fucking does. That'd give me an excuse to-" He cuts himself off, shaking his head. He's getting back into his old mindset. He doesn't want to be the angry, violent man who hurt Jim anymore. "No. I wouldn't escalate anything. It's okay. I'm used to violent."

Valen crumples a little. "Oh--I know you can take it, but--it's just--I just hate this. I don't want to see him debase you. Or the two of us. And I know he will, he'll take it as an insult." He folds his arms on his lap, sagging. "It feels like cowardice to have you fight this battle for me. I just don't know what else to do. And now that, that he knows where I am, he'll see you eventually, I'm sure of it, so there's no use hiding it."

"I want to," Kane assures him, dropping the letter to take Valen's hands instead. "You've dealt with him enough. I want to do this for you. Just like how you... spoke to my father for me. You won't have to deal with him ever again. I'll make sure of it. My defect regardless, I'm just as much nobility as he is. I will protect you."

"Okay," says Valen, blushing. "Th-thank you." Maybe this would be okay, to let someone else take care of him. It had always gone wrong in the past, but Kane knew what he actually wanted, and would try for that, instead of what he thought Valen should want. "So, so should we call on the phone, or go over there? Or write a letter?"

Kane considers this. "Do you think, if we talked on the phone or wrote a letter, he would try to come here to speak to you in person? If that's the case, we should just go there. But if not, the phone is probably better."

Valen's face falls. "He would definitely come find me in person before giving up."

"Then we should go. It's better for it to happen on our terms, with no surprise." He squeezes Valen's hand. "I'll be with you the whole time, and we'll leave right after. And it doesn't have to be now. Whenever you want to do this."

Valen looks at the clock to see how much time is left in the night. He feels like the anticipation is going to kill him if he just waits. Best to rip the bandaid off quickly. "I think we can go tonight. If that's okay with you. Thank you."

"Then we'll go." Kane is nervous too, though not nearly as much as Valen is. He's afraid that when faced with hostility, he may panic and crumble, leaving Valen to defend both of them. That is the last thing he wants. He resolves himself to stand his ground no matter what. Priscus is no threat to him. "You can lead me there, and I'll talk to him. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You can even leave and go home early, if it turns out to be too much for you. I'll handle it."

Valen has never felt so genuinely and holistically protected by anyone else. "Thank you."

He searches around the apartment for a bit and finds the divorce paperwork, the one that was filled out, signed, stamped, completed in every way except for the one that actually mattered—the husband's signature. He'd thought about trying to forge the signature in the past, but he'd always known that wouldn't do the job and would just make things worse.

They travel to the Kithrara estate. Valen's hackles start to go back up as soon as he steps onto the grounds, past the gate and onto the extensive lawn, up to the main manor where he knows Priscus will likely be. The servants all gasp with delight and welcome him back enthusiastically, opening doors for him without question, although Kane does get some looks. Valen had always been a favorite among the staff at home.

A few inquiries about where Priscus is is all it takes to find him. He's in the main hall, with a vampire Valen knows is one of the people whose job it is to go into human territory and abduct people to throw into the blood farms. He currently has a human on a chain, around the neck. The human's face is stained with tears and very, very scared. Valen's face falls upon seeing it. He won't be able to stop thinking about it throughout this whole conversation now.

Kane's eyes fall toward the human, too. The human looks as scared as Jim had on that first night. Immediately, he starts thinking of potential ways to get them out of here, but the fact that his interaction with Priscus is going to be hostile won't help. He wonders if offering twice the revenue a single human would generate during their short lifetime would work, especially if he frames it as a gesture of goodwill to make up for everything else this conversation will entail.

As soon as Priscus catches sight of Valen, he stops whatever business he was doing and waves the other vampire away, dragging the terrified and abused human to the periphery of the room.

"My little turtledove," he purrs, coming over and wrapping his arms around Valen, putting his chin on Valen's head. "Finally. I'm so pleased to see you here again."

As soon as Priscus touches Valen, it's obvious his learned helplessness kicks in. He freezes, going rigid.

Kane shoves Priscus away, moving protectively in front of Valen. "He doesn't want to hug you," he says firmly. "Kane de Sang. I believe we've met before, briefly."

Priscus gives Kane a withering stare, folding his hands in front of him. "Oh, yes. You. I thought you were dead. Have you risen from the grave for the exclusive purpose of interfering with my personal life? What business do you have here? It's awfully bold of you to lay hands on the heir to the Kithrara estate in his own home, with his own wife in the room."

Kane wants to strangle him until he's gasping for breath. He wants to scream obscenities and beat Priscus to a bloody pulp. He wants to drive a stake through the man's heart. His fingers twitch with the urge to wrap them around Priscus’s throat.

Instead, he presents the divorce papers. "I apologize," he says through gritted teeth. "I could see that Valen was distressed, and wanted to remedy that as soon as possible. We've come to request you sign these. I'm Valen's boyfriend."

Priscus's face immediately turns stony. "Valen's what?"

Valen edges further behind Kane.

"His boyfriend," Kane repeats. "I understand you've been separated for quite a while now, and he's been trying to get you to sign off on a divorce long before he met me. He's moved on. If you care about his happiness at all, you'll sign them."

Priscus eyes the papers in Kane's hand and sighs, pushing Kane's hand delicately away with a single disgusted finger. "Mr. de Sang. Valen does not have a boyfriend. She is my wife. And I can see you've been enabling some of her delusions, so it's bold of you to act like you care about her more than I do. Not only that, but I can see whatever you've done to her has made her clearly visibly underweight. I can only assume you've been feeding her unhealthy fear that she's being immoral by drinking blood. She's struggled with disordered eating in the past, not that that's any of your business. I assure you our separation is quite temporary, and also none of your business, so please kindly leave the premises if you're quite done?"

"That is not the case at all. We've recently been through... an ordeal together, where neither of us had access to food for several months." Kane doesn't want to give specifics in case Valen doesn't want Priscus to know. "We've only just recently escaped, and he's been eating well since. I've done nothing to him. If you think the separation is temporary, you're the one who's delusional," he can't help but snap.

Priscus raises an eyebrow. "You dragged my wife through an.... ordeal, during which you could not feed her, and you expect me to believe you will take care of her?" He looks past Kane to Valen. "Come now, darling, Kane de Sang, of all people? You must have picked him on purpose, in some childish attempt to humiliate me."

"It's not that," Valen says quietly.

"I got us out of there. I did take care of him," Kane protests. "Think about it. If he chose me, surely that means it's over. Stop throwing a years-long tantrum because he doesn't like you back and just accept it already."

Priscus gives them both a very long stare, then sighs. He looks at Valen. "This is really what you want?" He sounds exasperated.

"Yes."

"Neither your nor my family will be happy about it."

"They are already unhappy with me."

Priscus looks at Kane. "I'm sure the de Sang family won't be happy about this either, when they hear you broke up a proper marriage, between proper vampires."

"As long as Valen's happy with the situation, I don't care," Kane says. "To echo his sentiment, they are already unhappy with me. Will you sign the papers?"

Priscus's lip peels back in a sneer. "When this inevitably ends poorly, I want it to be noted that I was against it from the very beginning. I can't keep shielding you from the consequences of your actions, Valen. I have been as patient as I can, but I cannot make any guarantees about how it will be if you try to come back." He takes the papers and signs them. "There, now all your problems are solved." His voice drips in sarcasm. "I expect you to return the money and heirlooms you took from the estate."

It’s done, it’s finally done, after so much fuss. "Yes sir," Valen squeaks. He has no intention of actually doing anything Priscrus demands short of legal pressure.

With the papers signed, Kane's mind once again turns to the terrified human. It's... worth a shot, he supposes. The worst thing that can happen is Priscus says no.

"Thank you, Mr. Kithrara," Kane says politely, despite his increasingly violent feelings toward him. He hands the papers to Valen, still behind him. "I will ensure your property is returned. As a token of goodwill and apology, I'd like to buy this human for double the revenue a human is likely to generate during its lifetime." He desperately hopes Priscus takes the bait.

Priscus cocks his head. "That is a strange token. Why do you want this one?"

"This human happens to be here," Kane says simply. It's true. Every human Priscus's family owns is likely just as terrified as this one- until they lose themselves to overexposure to persuasion, of course. This human is just the one who's here. "And I thought it would be a nice gesture."

Priscus looks to the far side of the room where the other vampire has the scared human. He shrugs. "Very well. This human is here because we were discussing its suitability to drink from, since there seems to be something wrong with it, but this will solve that problem." He gestures for the other vampire to come over, and hands Kane the chain around the human's neck.

Kane takes the chain. "Great. Glad I could help," he says, trying to stifle his anger. He takes his checkbook out, and after receiving the price from Priscus, cuts him a check.

"We'll be going, then. Thank you for your cooperation." He opts to just carry the terrified human instead, given they're likely going straight home from here and a human won't be able to run that far. Making sure to keep himself between Valen and Priscus, he shuffles the three of them outside.

"Huh. That went well," he comments.

"Thank you," Valen says, in tears. "Thank you, Kane." He hugs close to Kane.

A servant comes running out. "Mistress Kithrara, wait!" She is holding a small kennel, and slows down as she gets closer. "Um, I overheard Master Kithrara saying that he was going to give this cat to the pound if you didn't want it, and–and I thought maybe you–"

Valen takes the kennel, inside of which a white figure can be seen crouched in the corner. "Oh, thank you," he sniffles. "Yes, this is very thoughtful of you. Thank you."

The servant bows, smiling, looking a little mischievous, and returns into the house. Leaving Valen holding a cat, and Kane holding a sobbing, terrified human.

"Okay. This is- okay, we need to go home. We need to call Liz," Kane decides. He looks down at the human in his arms. "We're not going to hurt you. We're going to take you home, back to human territory. It's okay. It's over."

"Really?" the human asks, trembling. "I–Please, please, please, thank you so much." He clearly does not quite believe Kane.

"I–I suppose we have a cat now, as well," says Valen. "I hope that's all right? Oh, what time is it? Will we have enough time before sunrise to get to the border, or will we have a guest with us until tonight?"

"Please let me go," the human weeps, clearly terrified of the prospect of spending a whole day alone with the two vampires.

Kane checks his watch. "It'll have to be tomorrow. I'm sorry. We're going to let you go, I promise, but it'll have to wait. We're not even close to the border," he says apologetically.

The thought of holding a human captive, even for a single day, is terrifying. Every lesson the hunters seared into him, reminding him what happens when he messes with humans. It sends a chill down his spine, a deep fear he knows he won’t be getting rid of anytime soon.

But he’s helping this time. He’s making things right. He’s in vampire territory, safe. He just needs to remember that. "Okay, we have to- we have to get human food and cat food tonight. And litter? That's the most important thing right now, or we'll have a starving human and cat for the next day. And we can call Liz to coordinate a dropoff for- um, I'm Kane, and this is Valen."

The human sobs, curling in on himself. "Sir–Please, sir, I–if it's not– I’m anemic, I haven't eaten all day. Please, sir."

"I don't know what that means, but we're going to get you food. I know humans starve easily, we're going to get you food right now. It's okay." Kane looks back at Valen. "Should one of us take them both home while the other shops, or should we just take them with us and go shopping together?"

Valen looks overwhelmed. "I–We should bring the human, so he can pick out his food. Anemic means his body isn’t producing enough red blood cells, so he needs something with high iron content.” He addresses the human, "Please try to be calm. Everything will be all right."

This attempt is not more successful at calming him down, though he does seem relieved to finally find someone who understands he has a medical condition

"Maybe, um, maybe I'll take the cat home, and you two go to the store?” Valen proposes. “Do you know what supplies to get for a cat?"

"Kibble, litter, box? And whatever else the employees recommend?" Kane suggests. "That sounds good. Oh, let me just-" He sets the human down for a moment so his hands are free to remove the chain around his neck. "That's better, right?"

The human looks incredulous, but not much more at ease to have the chain taken off. "Th-thank you, sir. Are you going to--are you going to brainwash me now?"

"No. I can't- I'm not," Kane says, embarrassed. He wouldn't have anyway, but he's still sensitive about the subject. "Listen, it's going to be okay. I'm going to buy you food, then we'll go back home and call a human we're friendly with, who can meet us at the border to take you home tomorrow night. You can call home, too. I've been captive myself, and only very recently gotten out. That terror you're feeling, I've felt it too. I just want to help." He scoops the human back up in his arms. "Let's get you some food."

"Th-thank you, sir," he says, crying, still clearly terrified. "Thank you."

"I'll see you at home," Kane says to Valen, and gives him a peck on the cheek.

Valen leans into him. "Thank you, dear. Thank you." He holds the divorce papers tightly in his free hand. He bids the panicked human to calm down one more time before they split up.

***

Kane takes the human to a general store, where he'll be able to pick up both human food and cat stuff in one trip. The selection of human food is minimal, but contains all essentials and a bunch of iron-rich options. "If this isn't enough, we can go to the human supply store. But I figured this would be okay since it's just one day."

"Yes," he says, still sounding like he's on the verge of a breakdown any second, being in public with all these vampires around. "Thank you, sir, thank you so much." He picks out some stuff, seeming to be the most excited about eating fruit, although he seems afraid to look too pleased about it.

"It's alright. You're safe. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Kane feels very protective over this human. He grabs the cat essentials too, figuring he and Valen can come back for extra things like toys when he doesn't have an entire human to carry. He hands the shopping bags to the human and picks him back up.

"You can eat on the way home, if you'd like." He knows that if he'd had to wait at all before drinking blood after acquiring it after he'd been freed, it would have been awful.

"Thank you, sir," the human weeps. He does, in fact, eat on the way home.

When they arrive, Valen has the cat out of the carrier. The cat is wearing a fancy-looking studded pink collar and is sprawled out on the floor. Valen has his face buried in the cat's flank when the door opens, and he jerks away as though caught doing something illicit. "Oh, you're back, did it go okay?"

Kane smiles, setting the human down and grabbing the bag with the cat things from him. "Yes, we got food for everyone. We'll have to go back later for the non-essentials for the cat, it was too much to carry at once." He hands the cat bag to Valen. "I can't believe this all actually went well. Tomorrow we'll be freeing a human and setting your divorce finalization in motion."

"Y-yes," says Valen. "Thank you." He walks into Kane's arms, burying his face in his chest, and finally letting himself cry. "Thank you, my dear, thank you so much. I couldn't have done any of this without you." He sniffles. "And I--I suppose I did kind of want the cat."

Kane hugs him, gently rubbing his back. "I'm so glad. It's okay. He can't hurt you anymore. No one can."

Valen wipes his eye. "Thank you." He sniffles, then looks at the human. "Oh, hey, why don't you come sit down. Here." Valen beckons him to sit on the couch, and he does so, food still in his lap. "What's your name?"

"S-sam, ma'am," he says wretchedly. "Um, pl-please don't--I--I know--he said food for everyone, but--but if I--I'm your food, I--I don't think I have enough blood to--I think I'll pass out if you both feed from me." His face goes white, as though realizing that maybe they don't care.

"Sh," says Valen. "It's all right. We're not going to feed from you."

"Wh-Why did you buy me?" he says.

"You looked scared," Kane tells him. "We've been there, I wanted to help. We're not going to hurt you. And Valen isn't a ma'am, just so you know. We're both men. I- I should call Liz now, right?" he asks Valen. "Let her know what's going on?"

Sam looks scared again--it's basically all he's been doing the whole time they've seen him. He doesn't say anything.

Valen perks up. "Yes. In fact, I think it would win favor with her to say that you are releasing this human. Although, um, maybe just be careful how you phrase it."

"Yes, noted." Kane agrees, and goes to dial her. The phone rings and rings, to no answer. Kane figures she is either asleep or out hunting. He calls Jim next, who does pick up with a sleepy "Hello?" after several rings.

"Hello, Jim." Kane says.

Jim gasps and blinks the sleep out of his eyes, startled by hearing Kane's voice all of a sudden in the middle of the night.

"It's Kane,” he continues. “Um, I'm here with Valen, and we've come across a captive human. We want to return him home tomorrow night, since we're too far from human territory to make the trip tonight. I tried calling Liz, but she didn't answer. Could you pass it along and tell her to call us back?"

After a moment, it sinks in: Kane is saving a human. For a moment, Jim feels a pang of jealousy. Where was this Kane, the kind one who saves humans instead of hurting them, when he was young and vulnerable? Why couldn't he get the nice Kane?

He tries to shake the feeling away. "That's great, man. Thank you. Uh, she should be home in less than an hour, you could give her a call then. I'm... really glad you're doing this. Thank you."

"Of course. I'll try calling her again soon, then. I know it doesn't make up for what I did to you, but I want to try to be better."

"Yeah. Um, just, just be gentle with him, please," Jim says apprehensively.

"I will. No harm will come to him, and I'll return him home tomorrow night." Kane promises. The two say their goodbyes. "Liz is out hunting, Jim said she should be home soon. Sam, would you like to use the phone?"

"Yes," says Sam desperately. "Yes, please."

He dials with a shaking hand, apparently his mother by the sound of it, and tells her what's happened in between bouts of choked crying. The act of reassuring her that he's going to get home soon seems to make it sink in for him, too. He hands the phone back and sits on the couch, making liberal use of the tissues offered to him. The cat eventually hops up and sits on his lap.

"I suppose this must seem terribly unfair to the humans we didn't rescue," says Valen. "Although, I suppose it matters a bit less to the ones who already have enough brain damage to not be aware of what's happening to them."

Sam remains silent, hunkering against the armrest of the couch.

"It's not like we can buy all of them," Kane points out. "At least we're helping one person.”

Valen still looks doubtful. He’s always been the kind of person to be unable to see the trees for the forest. He’d often gotten lost in the mires of thinking What’s the point in helping one if we can’t help them all? The simplicity with which Kane approaches the problem grounds him a little. And maybe now that they’re free and can worry about things other than themselves, they can think about how to help on a systemic scale.

…After getting Sam home safely.

Kane does try calling Liz again a little later, explaining the situation again. Liz jumps on the opportunity to help, agreeing to meet them as soon as they can get to the border tomorrow night. She asks to talk to Sam, and Kane hands him the phone.

"Hey. I'm Liz, I'm a hunter, and I'm going to come get you. It's gonna be okay. Just hold out there a little longer, yeah? You're gonna be fine," she assures him.

"Thank you," says Sam. "Thank you so, so much. Thank you. Please come get me. Please do. Please."

Valen holds his hand out for the phone. "Liz, thank you for your assistance. Um, this human is anemic. Is there anything else we need to do for him? We let him pick out his own foods. I learned about this in theory, but that was decades ago. It's difficult to remember."

"Fuck, I dunno. Don’t make him exercise too hard? That's, like, the only thing I know about it," Liz says. "Have you asked him?"

"Oh, well if you don't have any experience with it, then we can just ask him for more details. We have to wait until tomorrow night to go out again and I wanted to make him comfortable." Technically Valen could put on his daywalker outfit again, but...he'd rather not, so he doesn't mention it. "I just thought you might have some tidbits and save Sam the trouble of having to explain it all to us. We let him use the phone to call his family. Thank you for the help--I think, I think I might faint if I had to go into human territory again, but I would hate to drop him off and make him walk the rest of the way."

"I can handle it. It's okay," Kane tells Valen. He's also terrified to go back to human territory to hand Sam over to Liz, but he knows he needs to do this. He has to be strong, for Valen.

"We can go to the border together," says Valen. "I don't want you going near there by yourself. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you," Kane agrees, incredibly relieved. "I'm... really glad to not have to go back there alone."

Liz bids them goodbye once everything's in order. Now, they just have to wait. Kane supposes that Sam can take the couch.

Valen thinks the same thing. "Sam, is the food you have now sufficient? And do you want to take a shower or anything? Do you want to go to sleep on the couch? We can give you a blanket."

Sam explains to them that the food he has now is fine and he should be okay until tomorrow, and accepts all the amenities offered to him.

Valen gives him time alone in the bathroom. While they wait, Valen lies down on the floor in front of the cat, who is pretending not to see him. "I suppose I have to name this cat now anyway."

"Yes." Kane agrees, going to pet her. "I've never had a pet before, I'm actually quite excited. I know you used to have another cat."

"You haven't?" says Valen. "That's so sad. Were you just not that interested in animals?"

"I wasn't. I think... it may have helped, if I'd had a pet. I regret it now. I suppose it's never too late to start." Kane scritches behind her ears. The cat soaks in the attention and starts purring.

"It makes me sad to think about how miserable and lonely you must have been for so long," says Valen. "I know it's not a justification for the way you acted, but it's really not hard to imagine why you behaved the way you did when you were treated like that." Valen knows Kane had been a monster, but...so were half the vampires walking around in public. It was harder to not be a monster here. If he was anyone else, Valen probably wouldn't feel bad for him, knowing it was partially a hell of his own creation, but this is his Kane, and it's so sad imagining Kane being alone and unloved, without even the comfort of an animal to fend off his depression.

"No, that's..." Kane lowers his voice, mindful of the nearby terrified human. "No one else was beating their humans. I had… anger issues, and I took it out on him. I didn't realize that until later. I may have captured him to please my family, but everything after that was all me. I wish I could just..." He sighs. There's nothing he can do to take back what he's done. "At least we're helping Sam, and Jim is safe now."

"I suppose so." Valen had a bad habit of making excuses for people, trying to be a little bit too understanding. That's probably what kept him from realizing how awful Priscus was for the longest time. The way Kane pushes back and takes responsibility is refreshing. "What's done is done. And now we only have to worry about treating the cat well." He rubs under the cat's chin, feeling the purr. "I want to name her Snowball, but that feels incredibly uninspired."

"Too late. The second it left your mouth, it became official," Kane says with a smirk. "Hello, Snowball," he coos.

Valen smiles. The cat seems to enjoy the attention, and Valen can't be happier sitting here next to Kane with the cat Priscus had tried to use to manipulate him.

When Sam is done in the bathroom, Valen gets him a blanket and a pillow and sets him up on the couch. "If you need anything, you can come wake me up," he offers. "As soon as the sun sets, we'll get you home."

Sam huddles under the blanket. "Th-thank you."

The next evening, Kane battles nerves as they prepare to meet Liz at the border. Going back to human territory. He shivers at the thought. He packs up any uneaten human food he'd bought for Sam for him to take home with him. "If, if we run into any hunters who aren't Liz, you'll vouch for us, right?" he asks Sam anxiously. "Please. We can't go back to- to that."

Sam looks like a deer in the headlights upon hearing this request. "Uh..."

"He just means you'll, you'll tell them we're letting you go, right?" says Valen. "We're had...bad experiences with vampire hunters in the past, and we don't want any violence. That's all."

Sam looks between them, then nods fearfully.

Valen is about to offer to drive them there, before he remembers the sad fate of his car, sitting tireless deep in human territory. He'll have to get a new one. If they want to drive, Kane will have to do it.

Kane has not yet gotten around to purchasing a new car, but he opts to rent one. He figures driving might be more comfortable for everyone, particularly Sam, and that's faster. He goes out at sunset for one, and comes back shortly after.

"Next stop, human territory." he announces, trying to keep the mood light despite how deathly afraid he is.

Valen also has to suppress his fear. The resulting two vampires that look artificially happy unsettles Sam a little, but he starts getting more at ease the closer they get to the border.

It gets harder for Valen to remain calm when they come into sight of the signs marking the border with huge skulls on them, but he's relieved to see Liz parked. "Oh there she is, dear, over there." Please God please I don't want anyone else to see us here just take the human and leave so we can bolt.

Kane drives over to Liz and rolls down his window. "Hello, ma’a- Liz."

"Long time no see," Liz jokes. She peers into the car. "You must be Sam. It's okay, you're safe now. I'm gonna get you home."

Sam bolts out and into Liz's truck, not even closing the door to Kane's car or saying goodbye, keeping his little bundle of food in his lap and hunkering down in the back seat.

"There aren't any other hunters near, are there?" says Valen. "I doubt they would follow us over the border, but..."

"Nah, you're good. I even let my branch know what was going on to make sure you wouldn't run into trouble. You can relax," Liz assures him.

Kane does the opposite of relax. So many hunters know they're here. They need to get out of here. "W-well, we should probably be going. Thank you."

"Yeah, gotta get him home," Liz agrees. She gives Valen a friendly wave goodbye.

"Thank you, Liz!" says Valen. "Good luck, Sam! Stay safe!"

Sam does not respond.

As soon as they leave, Valen taps Kane's shoulder with increasing urgency. "Go. Go go go go go. Speed." If they crash, there's no human in the car anymore to get hurt.

And....he wants to get home to see his cat again.

"Yes. On it." Kane floors it, and the speed does not decrease until they get back to civilization.

***

When they get back home, Bellamy's voice is coming through the answering machine: "-and I'm quite worried by now, honestly, I'm aware this is my seventh call tonight and it makes me appear a lunatic, but please call me back, my dear. As I've said previously, my number-"

Kane runs to the phone and takes it off the hook. "Bellamy?"

"...Kane?"

"It's really good to hear your voice again." Kane says softly. "You got my letter?"

“I did,” Bellamy affirms.

Neither of them quite know what to say for a moment.

Kane breaks the silence, smiling at Valen. “We have a cat now. Do you want to…come over and pet her?”

･ﾟ:* THE END *:･ﾟ

***

K&J x MMSS crossover taglist:

@barebarb

@cc1010foxy

@emcscared-whumps

@hurtpluscomfort

@melancholy-in-the-morning

@pigeonwhumps

@secretwhumplair

@some-thrilling-heroics

@t0rture-me

@thecyrulik

@thejinglingcourtjester

@vehan-tikkun-olam-and-stuff

@whuarri

@whump-cravings

@whump-my-heart-away

@whumpycries

@wolfeyedwitch

@whump-addict

@why-not-ask-me-a-better-question

#whump #vampire whumpee #K+J #angst #whumpblr #hurt/comfort

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kyluxtrashpit · 15 days

Text

So I really want to get another cat. Thing is, there’s several reasons why it’d be a good idea (boy has a playmate, I think my ideal number of cats is 2, and give a kitty in need of a home a nice one) but also a lot of reasons I know it’s not a good idea *right now*

First reason is I’m not sure I’m fully ready for it. There’s still a part of my brain that hopes that this new new cat (I’m gonna need another system when I do get one lmao) would act more like old cat and I’ve had enough pets to know that’s a red flag that means you’re not ready yet. It just leads to disappointment when your new pet doesn’t behave like the old one when they were never going to, every animal is a unique individual and no two will give the same experience even when they are similar. And I know this. But the heart still wants

Also two cats, especially when one is brand new to the living situation and is still adjusting, is more work than one and for several reasons my energy lately has been pretty low. So. Am I up for that right now? I’m not sure. I’m sure I could rise the occasion if it’s needed, but like. Would it be a good idea to put myself into that situation at the moment? I’m not sure it would be. Even if I do miss having two cats a lot

There’s also the matter of living situation. Last year I was hoping to move, as I’m getting to the point in my life where it is time to Purchase a living space instead of rent. Which is terrifying tbh lmao, but it is a thing none the less. Plus I just really want a bit more space at this point, and certain conveniences (oh how I long for my own laundry devices) that I don’t currently have. But with old cat, that just didn’t end up being in the cards cause my babies are always my priority above all else (the financial hit also didn’t help - I’m only just recovering from it now). I was simply not going to move while she was old and fragile and dying of cancer

However, my province also sucks! And it recently decided it’s gonna suck even more! Not as much as most of the US, at least not yet, but. It’s not promising. And the long term prospects are also Not Great (both in terms of social things and economically as well like, things are probably going to get worse long before they get better, if they ever do get better). And my city isn’t *the worst* but it’s more expensive than ideal. So it’s like. Do I want to buy a place here? I don’t know. But do I want to move out of this province? I also don’t know

Cause moving adds a lot of factors, even if I stay in the same province but look at a cheaper city. And leaving the province, okay, which to go to? This one’s nice but expensive and has weather I don’t like, and that ones cheap but also there’s a decent risk things will get worse there politically. And then there’s a risk the whole country will get fucked politically next year but I am doing my utmost to not worry about it until it is actually an immediate problem

And then there’s factors like, all the people I know are here (even if I’m bad at seeing them a lot). Familiar grocery stores and restaurants, other amenities, hell, my internet company is not fully national last I checked - will I have to switch providers? Work isn’t an issue as I work from home and we have people in multiple provinces, but like. Literally everything else is. I’ve lived here my entire life. I don’t know what it would be like to move that far. I’ve never done it

(And there’s also like. A sort of political responsibility. I read a lot after the shitty thing was announced and like. Some people are leaving. Some are staying because fuck you, bigots will not drive me from me home, I will fight back. Some are staying because they can’t afford to leave. And some are staying because if everyone who can leave does leave, then who’s left to at least try to fight this shit for those at risk who can’t get out? Especially as while I’m not in the demographic currently at risk, I’m in an adjacent one so it’s like. No, I’m not at risk yet but it’s possible I will be some day, but I also do feel some level of responsibility to try to help those who are currently at risk because I’m not)

And my dad is planning to leave (though unclear how firm that plan is right now and unclear exactly where) and is like ‘well come with me’ and I’m gonna be honest I. Don’t really want to like. I’m in my 30s. There is a part of me that feels like it’s time to get a bit more space from my family. My mom moved already for other reasons, so I don’t physically see her often, but technology is a thing so. Quite frankly my parents are both really bad at having friends so being literally the only person one of them knows in an entire city is kind of a nightmare scenario for me lmao. I need my space. I get annoyed when I get texted too often, I am NOT going to be your sole social contact. And I know that’s what would happen if we both moved to the same place with no one else. And even without all that, we have differences of opinions in “ideal place to live” so. I know they’re (dad goes by they/them) going to try to pressure me but if I’m sure of anything, it’s that I don’t want that

And, to circle this all back, there is also my kitty boy: he does NOT travel well. At all. He has panic attacks in the car that leave him panting and screaming within about 1 minute of being in there. We are trying to work on it, given transport is important for vet visits, but progress is slow. I was thinking he might have to get the old gaba just for me to be able to move within the city. He’s an anxious little guy. It’s gonna be tough for him, both the general realities of moving and the driving to the new place part. And I originally wasn’t really thinking of moving anywhere out of a 20 min or so radius of where I currently live partly for that reason

So to move to another province (and please remember Canada is Huge, like, this would be several hours or even multiple days of driving), I don’t know if I can even do that in a way that’s safe for him. Drugs are an option, but depending on where, it could be an unfeasibly long drive to do that with. And god, planes, I can only imagine how much worse he would be on a plane (even though I’d NEVER let him ride in the cargo, I’d buy an extra seat if I had to). He could have a stress-induced heart attack and die and if this is in transit, I’d be powerless to save him and I’d have to live the rest of my life knowing I killed him

And so with all of that, I’m like. I really can’t get another cat until I know wtf I’m doing and implement that because it would be awful for the new kitty if I got them and then immediately moved somewhere, either close or far. I can’t do that, it would be cruel. So like. Idk, I just don’t know what to do

I’m also aware that like. There are two problems in this ramble and the one I opened with is not really the larger one lmao but like. Genuinely I do not know what to do and that’s scary so I’m just kinda frozen here thinking how nice it would be to have a second floof gallivanting around the apartment but also knowing I can’t really have that right now (unless the cat distribution system decides to give me no choice in the matter lmao but I’m not expecting that to happen)

#this is a long ramble but I am just #I really don’t know what to do #and I’m trying my best to just. idk ignore it for now and hope something will happen #that will make the decision obvious #but right now I just don’t know #so. ramble time lmao #cause even though it’s a low key anxiety by my standards #it’s just kinda sitting in the back of my head at all times and I just feel stuck tbh #and I really really do want to get another cat #but I can’t make that decision until everything else is sorted and I’m mentally ready so #I cannot have another fluffy baby yet :(#I’ve had this drafted for a while but I’ve been thinking about it off and on for like. months honestly #text #misc #shut up nerd

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