..pt.1..

The conclusion to 'Inauthentic Selves'

“I was inspired to investigate the election funding behind the Anchorage ‘bathroom bill’ municipal ordinance, not by anything relating to transgenderism, but researching how philanthropy empowers other causes into the stratosphere. I wondered — how much of this is also happening with identity politics? I wanted to follow the money. And thus, that set off months of investigating funding, causes and lobby groups. The totality of my research was impossible to fit into a single article. But the evidence is clear: transgenderism isn’t a real civil rights movement.

Let us think about it: what every group in the transgender lobby is demanding is essentially guaranteed access to medication for off-label purposes. None of these drugs are approved for transgender uses. Given the data we do have and the state of the science behind that data, accompanied by the side effects up to and including death, it is unlikely to ever be approved by the FDA in a clinical trial. Unless, of course, the side effects were better than the outcome. Hence, the creation of a perception that transgender people are murdered a at higher rates than the general population, even though that isn’t true. Saying that the side effects are better than the suicide of the patient probably wouldn’t pass muster either, given that medical intervention did not change the fact that transgender people have elevated suicide rates compared to the general population.

Hence our endless bad statistics and fake news. A survey with methodological flaws and some good messaging can cover for the actual reality, at least to the general public. Because the one way these ‘treatments’ could get approved is if the problem is worse than the side effects and the solution — this poor, gender dysphoric wilting flower of a person will kill themselves or be murdered unless they can access ‘gender-affirming healthcare’. Dangerous drugs that have failed clinical trials before could be issued on-label for this process, and protected by civil rights legislation. That the ideology that is built around these demands is incoherent, serves only to foist drugs on to vulnerable people, and is fundamentally homophobic is of little consequence to those who see the dollar signs. Transition could be a big business, which over a 50-year period of ‘transition’ could create a market worth trillions of dollars, if not more. Think of the potential markets! Surgeries that run into the six-figures. Body modifications that have not yet been invented outside of science fiction. And some of the 90’s best-selling-drugs, drugs that could be best-sellers again if only they had blanket approval to be used on a class of people once again.

Almost every philanthropist I investigated had financial ties to the pharmaceutical industry — George Soros and his connections to Pfizer and chemical company Monsanto, Jon Stryker, who is an heir to the Stryker Corporation, which makes medical and surgical supplies. The lone exception was Jennifer Pritzker, who appears to be ideologically motivated, particularly given their transition. Pritzker is extremely-right wing. Perhaps homophobia is their reason, or perhaps they truly believe. Maybe it really is about being ‘validated’ as a ‘woman’. If so, Pritzker is being taken for as much a ride as any other activist, they simply have more fiscal ability to promulgate the ideology. The ideology is a byproduct of the main goal — which is guaranteeing access to expensive, off-label drugs for a group of people, with civil protections. That the ideology has morphed into one that demands lesbians make themselves sexually available to male bodies, where ‘sexual fluidity’ is considered the ideal, and had its language appropriated and used by Christian conversion therapy groups promising a ‘cure’ to homosexuality seems to matter little.

To do this, they have hijacked the once powerful and grassroots gay lobby with large amounts of philanthropic and corporate funding, to the point these organizations have changed their names in order to be ‘inclusive’. Ordinary gays and lesbians, especially the lesbians and their concerns, have been pushed out of their organizations, even as almost every lesbian bar in the US has closed and gay loneliness is on the rise, and as both groups have no federal civil rights protections.

While transgenderism will fall over — because it must, because it cannot be sold to the general public without threats, and because ultimately, it is a corporate initiative using shady if not outright-illegal methods, it won’t happen very fast without people speaking up about it. Ultimately, my concern is for the homosexuals who have lost control of their movement and now face a group of people that believes that their gender non-conformity requires surgery, even if they are children. And if transgenderism does not fall over because of these things, it will fall over because of the lawsuits those children will make. And things like ‘Limited outcome data’ and sterilizing a child for little demonstrated medical benefit look like dollar signs to personal injury and medical malpractice lawyers.

But what this demonstrates the most is that a rich man with an ideology should have no greater voice than the ordinary citizen. We all live in nation-states: we should all contribute equally and proportionally to the pool of funds that run that state and have an equal voice on how those funds are distributed. The ability of the very rich to divert their funds into services and organizations they believe is optimal without any democratic consent is fundamentally anti-democratic, no matter how much you may agree with their aims. Had the billions poured into philanthropy gone to the state, many of these problems could have been solved. Had our nation’s political discourse been one where each voice is equal, would we have the disaffection that creates populist monsters?

As it stands, politics is a battle of oligarchs that wield their ideologies in a great war of money. Their soldiers are professional activists invested in the permanent war between either end of the political spectrum. Their cheerleaders are media outlets that report on these wars, treat them like football games, and take the claims of these organizations to be unassailable fact, it is easy for the average person to disengage and become disaffected. Ultimately, their voice and vote does not matter. This creates a situation where ideologies such as transgenderism, an ideology that is fundamentally incoherent and experimenting on children can be accepted on the left. A situation where the punishment for not going along with the party line is a violently enforced exile.

The influence these large foundations and their funders have on our politics cannot be underestimated, and it needs to be questioned. The transgender civil rights movement consists of (i) large numbers of astroturf organizations funded by billionaires with financial interest in its success, (ii) medical professionals who stand to gain from ‘selling’ transgenderism to the public (and who are happy to lie to the public about their treatments) and (iii) pharmaceutical companies that appear to be engaging in illegal off-label marketing with said medical professionals. The question of what came first-the foundations, the pharmaceutical companies, or the medical professionals -is like asking whether the chicken or the egg came first. But the fact of the matter is, all three groups stand to benefit from the transgender civil rights movement. No transgender person does. With no unbiased research, they cannot get the answers they need to treat their condition effectively. They are left stranded and marooned, with an entire movement dedicated to foisting drugs upon them, instead of finding an actual cure or treatment for gender dysphoria. When ‘transition’ is complete and they are left a castrated eunuch, with no more steps up the Bridge To Total Freedom, their suicidality does not decrease. With an incomplete path to salvation, they are told they can chase after something they can never realize. They are obliterated as a distinct legal class of people by self-identification legislation — the legal ramifications of which could set trans rights back years, which has been raised by gender critical trans activists such as Miranda Yardley.

The modern transgender movement is an astroturf tiger. It is not grassroots, it is not organic, and it serves the purposes of no one beyond homophobes and pharmaceutical companies. It is a menace, it has hollowed out the LGBT community, it threatens women’s legal gains for the past hundred years, and it is going to destroy people’s lives. An entire generation of gender non-conforming children that may have otherwise grown up gay are going to grow up to be brain damaged, weakened eunuchs with a medical malpractice lawyer on retainer. This ‘movement’ needs to end before that happens. The LGBT community needs to wake up and start talking back to the fox in the hen house.”

https://medium.com/@sue.donym1984/inauthentic-selves-the-modern-lgbtq-movement-is-run-by-philanthropic-astroturf-and-based-on-junk-d08eb6aa1a4b

A very long rant and my opinions on neofeminism

Keep in mind that these are very opinionated, and I really don’t wanna fight with you. I’m only posting this so people know where I stand with this stuff, and so they know what kind of person I am.

Inequality: (the fake scenario here is metaphorical and also taken from a youtube video) Imagine there was a short person and a tall person, and there's a wall. In order to see over it, both people are given a stool of equal height to stand on. The tall person is still taller, and can see farther. Instead of giving the taller person a shorter stool, or a short person a taller stool, how about we give nobody a stool. Instead, give them equal materials to build their stool. Equal opportunity does not mean an equal outcome.

Wage Gap: That thing? It's non-existent; women are actually 'out-earning' men, according to literally every governmental source. And if the wage gap existed, it'd be illegal, considering women recieved equal rights in America in 1972.

Transphobia: Trans people are propped up and given all sorts of support in society! I remember at one point I considered myself transgender (I'm still queer-identifying fyi), and I was treated just as well, if not better, than most kids at my high school. And you know how you guys are so "supportive" of trans-men? Well, guess what. By not grouping him in with the cis men, you are therefore being transphobic by invalidating his identity, implying he is not like the cis man, as he would like to be seen as. Do you call a trans guy a rapist, like a cis man? No. Do you consider him sexist, like the cis man? Of course not! Even if he is, you wouldn't DARE accuse him of that! Right? Because he's an owo smol trans flower boy. By rubbing it in everybody's faces that you/someone you know is trans, you are therefore negating the fact that they'd like to be treated like a cisgendered person in the first place. Same goes for trans-women. FYI, I completely support real trans people!

Transtrenders: Super transphobic! If you want to be babied and called uwu smol then go join the adult baby community. You want to be queer? Just don't label yourself trans! Want attention? Go join a fucking talent show or something idk. Don't have dysphoria? What's the point in calling yourself the opposite gender? I don't get that. Wanna be a futa catgirl? I... I don't even know. Please stop that. Sexualizing trans/intersex people is transphobic. Trying to fit in? I get that. I did that. But please, please. don't rub it in everyone's faces. I actually DO have a bit of social dysphoria, but I used to make it a bigger deal than it should've been.

Patriarchy: I agree that patriarchy doesn't work. But, patriarchy is also basically gone, so I don't agree that it's this really big deal you guys make it out to be. On the other hand, matriarchy doesn't work well either. It takes both genders for lots of things to run smoothly. There are highly positioned women and men. That's what makes systems work, including reproduction and all that jazz. So basically, men are in fact needed. Stop treating them like shit. If you got rid of men, we'd go extinct. I know there's this thing with women's bone marrow or whatever, but that's not really relevant, and it isn't even guaranteed to work. By separating women from men, you are therefore being sexist, because equality doesn't have anything to do with gender. It's like if x=y, then y=x, y=y, and x=x. If x and y was female and male, or literally any gender, this would be the goal of feminism by definition. Without the belief that women are currently in a lesser position in society, neo-feminism falls flat. Speaking of which, you always focus on women, why aren't you including all of the other "genders"? Isn't that a bit sexist of you? Society is giving women everything they don't deserve. That's not equality. And yet you still think women are opressed.

Rape Culture: And before you rush to the comments with "You don't know what it's like to be sexually harassed!", I do, and that's why this topic ticks me off so much. Anyway, by labeling all men as rapists, you are therefore being sexist. And, even though you guys say men/boys can't be raped, they have been, and can be. Males are actually sexually exploited more than women. Furthermore, women can be rapists. Consent doesn't apply to just the woman. If a woman wants to have sex with a guy and he says no, yet she forces him to, it's still rape. Legal sexual interactions require both parties involved to give consent. I read a post on here that said something to the effect of, "If you don't have sex with a fat woman, you're raping her". That... boggles my mind.

Ableism: I have mental illnesses too, so this also pisses me off. I mean, I get that some people are wheelchair-bound or don't have the same mental abilities as a neurotypical person. I think it's great that we're helping to accomodate these people! But when you call everything that could even possibly leave out someone other than the neurotypicals ableist, it's frustrating. Literally anything could be ableist or classist. Eating pizza? No, this is ableist because some people have diabetes and can't eat certain things. Running gear? Ableist. Some people have to use wheelchairs, either because they were born paralyzed in the legs, or because they're too obese to move. Brain exercises? No, get that out of here. That's offensive to people with autism or the like, because their brains don't work like that, and it implies they're not good enough. therapy? Kill it with fire. You're saying we neurodivergents are not ok? It's like you don't care about people that want to get better. There's such thing as a target audience, so now let's see.. Pizza? Oh! That's for people who want a quick, cheap, and easy meal! Running gear? That's meant to interst people who enjoy being fit and maintaining their cardiovascular health. Wheelchair-bound folks have specialized exercises for keeping their muscles healthy. Running would not be as effective of a way for them to do that. Brain exercises? For people who want to keep their brain sharp and improve certain areas where they might have weaknesses. Again, people such as my brother (who has medium-high functioning autism) can have special exercises provided to them. But when companies manufacture products that leave out the neurotypical person, nobody thinks twice. So much for equality.

Fatphobia: I do agree that this one exists, although I've never experienced it myself, since I myself have problems gaining weight and keeping it on. I'm actually guilty of fatphobia, but hear me out. I don't mind if you're overweight, as long as others don't have to make special accomodations at no cost to the one being accomodated. If you're 500+ pounds and/or you need a wheelchair and two seats on a plane, I'm calling you out. There's no way you could be that fat without doing it to yourself or having a disability. I don't mind these things if you do have a disability, I understand you couldn't control it then. But if you're just sitting in your bed all day stuffing your face with cheese curls, you have no right to whine about fatphobia, as you could've easily prevented it. Mental disorders such as depression or anxiety that may lower your motivation so low that you don't care, I also get, since I've been in that situation plenty of times. Regardless though, I will not say you are beautiful. This is my personal opinion, and I know others may find obesity attractive, or even erotic (which is in itself fatphobic), but I do not. There are people who don't actually find it pretty, but still say it is. Please stop that. Speak your mind, yo. It's kinda sad that others shape your views, and if you don't agree entirely with the flock, you're not one of them, yknow? That's like... a cult or something.

Classism: I'm soft on this one, since I've been in and out of financial stability throughout my childhood and it sorta fucked me up. But again, calling everything classist is just not right. Songs about fancy cars and diamonds are praising the lush life, not making lower classes feel bad. If anything, those songs help them work harder to achieve their own dreams and have their own great life. But again, it's all about the target audience.

Racism: Racism was originally based off of fear and confusion. Other races had never seen a different skin color than their people's, and thought they were a different breed or species. The reason europeans and americans viewed africans as animals, is because they didn't know what else they could be. African society wasn't as developed, and the African people exhibited very primitive behaviors, as opposed to the educated caucasian. After a while, the african people taken to other lands as slaves, started to dislike that life and form their own opinions and values. The white people learned that the Africans were just humans of a different color, and eventually softened up a bit. But they couldn't abandon their ways of life, so the slaves slaved on, and the rich got richer. These values passed through generations, and eventually someone said, "Stop, these are people too, let's set em' free.". Though, yes, some families still teach their children to be racist, they don't imprison them anymore. Schools do a very good job of describing the treacheries of racism and slavery so it doesn't happen again. Most of my friends (and my boyfriend who I love so so much) are of color, in one way or another. Shit, I'm like, an eighth native american. I do consider myself white though, I'm Norwegian and Irish, for the most part. But I'll still honor my roots. Anyway, even modern racism is still based on fear. Islamophobia stems from terrorism, Black violence comes from stories of gangs and police shootings, and lots of other xenophobia stems from stereotypes. I'm completely against racism, trust me. But when you separate white from black and call white people scum, and call people of color 'strong, independent', and discard white people, it's kinda confusing. Racism applies to race, and caucasian is a race. Get it together.

Cisphobia: That exists. Cisgenderism/Heterosexuality are still identities, whether you want them to be or not.

Sexualities: Cool, You like people (Or you don't, if you're ace/aro). I know these sexualities were shunned before but most people are really accepting now! Just not the weird demonsexual things. Some people don't understand that too much. I sure don't.

Genders: Same as sexualities, don't get too crazy and people are cool w/ it.

Mogai and Neopronouns: Shit, get them out of here. You're making actual LGBT+ people look like a joke.

Anything I didn't mention that you'd like to hear my opinion on? Leave an ask! All interaction is welcome, though not all is wanted. Regardless, I'll try to be kind to you. I really have no reason to be rude to you if I don't know too much about you.

-Kevyn (almondassistant)

massive brain dump

it’s been a while since i had these thoughts resurface. Maybe because I had some more free time thanks to covid19 to think or maybe because it’s also Pride month. who knows. have a lot of rambling to get out of my head.

As someone who is trans but has not transition, sometimes you get many feelings and you need validation. what better way to get that but by watching youtube videos lol. There is something validating to hear someone say that your experience as being trans is valid no matter who says otherwise. Like how can it not when we all live in so different circumstances and environments. I get it, being passing to cis people feels good but not every has that opportunity nor cares. End of the day the moment some shitty cis person finds out your trans, nothing and I mean nothing can make them look at you the same ever again. Watching that youtube video, I didn’t realize that there are trans people out there that if you don’t experience dysphoria that the way they felt then your feelings and experiences aren’t validated. Like I’m sorry are you the gender police??? Like life is hard already trying to get cis people to understand and now I gotta deal with people who stand at the same side, who’d you think would understand the struggle, be part of the struggle. Like i’m sorry I didn’t get the gender handbook when I was born, didn’t know there was rules to follow in order to be considered trans. Not to say their feelings of dysphoria and needing to pass aren’t valid, of course they are. But doesn’t mean i agree with the one track mindedness about being trans. Because my experiences and environment shaped that. Does it mean I’m less queer or less trans than other people? Heck no! There is no lgbtq+ scale where you step on and you get a rating. like ah yes you are a 5 out 5 trans because you met all our trans criteria. Does this not sound like the stupidest thing??? 

rambly rambly rambly rambly

i don’t often talk about being trans....just because for me it’s kind of an uncomfortable topic. To the general public I look like a “feminine/ pretty boy” and don’t have to deal with the whole “oh you’re trans” situation, so for me to go out of my way to be out as trans to people I know, is very awk and makes me uncomfortable. Luckily because this tumblr and I don’t necessarily mention my tumblr to people I know, I’m not as scared or uncomfortable talking to strangers on the internet who may never know me in real life about this kind of thing. It’s pretty freeing tbh. I think the hardest part is because I haven’t fully transition that as an adult having to deal with workspaces and paper work gives me anxiety. The one thing I deff loved about being in art college was that I was able to live my life and because there are so many different people with such open minds, that I didn’t feel weirded out about having tell people my pronouns or minding too much about people knowing I was trans. But that took getting used to. As someone who is super closeted about this, it takes so much effort to release all that anxiety that is built up over the years. I didn’t even tell my closest friends and family until part way through my college life when I was finally able to come to terms with a lot of things. Bless my roommates who were so encouraging, understanding, and loving. I don’t think I would have been able to live my life as really who I was and being affirmed without them. 

Having to come back to live at home is a whirlwind of emotions and anxiety. At one hand I enjoy the comfort of financial stability and seeing my family, but on the other hand it brings back all the anxiety and forces me back to a point of life that I had lived before my college years. I’ve talked about this before, but from quite a young-ish age I knew deep down that I am a boy. Simple case, always been uncomfortable having any relation to being a female. To this day because I’m not out to everyone, I get so uncomfortable when someone goes “oh you are such a tomboy.” The anxiety and stress about fearing whether or not you can come out as trans and not knowing the reaction of those people is so deeply rooted in me it’s unreal. I just want to live a quiet life as a boy and not have to deal with any of that. Pretty sure many if not all trans people feel the same way, they just want to live as who they are and not be bothered by it all the time. 

Being Asian especially a 1st gen Asian American makes navigating being trans and queer really hard. These type of topics aren’t spoken about in the Asian community. I can probably count on my one hand people who I know personally who are asian + trans and have come out about it or spoken about it before. In Asian communities, being part of the lgbtq+ community is taboo. It’s almost seen like a disease. Sometimes I’m just so envious that my western counterparts have a bit more freedom in able to express or talk about being lgbtq+. Not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows for them but like the way Asians (especially the older generation) act its like that doesn’t exist. Like there is no such thing as being trans, no such thing as being gay, no such thing as blah blah blah. That’s the struggle, if it is out of the norms, it does not exist. I keep thinking back to this one clip where the guy talks about how it’s not that they don’t want to acknowledge that it exist, they just don’t want you their child to have it so they deny it. What I’m saying is, this “taboo” of speaking of lgbtq+ and whatnot really made it hard for me to understand what was going on in my mind. I struggled for years to come to terms and even find the terms to describe myself. It was only when tumblr kind of took off roughly in 2009, when I first even heard of the word trans or bigender and yada yada. Having to navigate thru everything all at once was like a beginner level swimmer being thrown in to the middle of the Pacific ocean blindfolded and told to swim to America. I’m surprised I even made it to the land when tumblr at that time was a free for all, the amount of posts exploded, so different as to right now (which is kind of quiet). 

If I, who was the trans person, didn’t understand all this, imagine my environment. Not saying I had a bad time, just a very uncomfortable and stressful time. The one thing I found solace in was that in games, I didn’t need to present my trans-ness. I was able to escape who I was brought up and seen as (aka female) and live who I was in my games. I didn’t have to be labeled as trans, I was just me being a boy. I’ve mentioned this all before, but even in things where i used to role-play with my friends I always presented as a male. I hated the way I felt when I was referred to as she/ her when I was a kid, still uncomfortable to this day but given the circumstances I have to live with it. There are some moments in my life looking back that if I could change the way I had to present as a female at that time I would 100% redo that moment. But this isn’t those reincarnation manga’s i’ve been reading so live and forget, i’d say. 

Going back to being Asian, I’m very lucky that my mom because of her experiences shaped her to be opened minded, my father on the other hand while may be open to some things is still deep down the conservative south east asian. Though I’ve come out to my mom, she doesn’t understand me being trans nor does she really acknowledge the fact that I am a male. I’m always going back and forth with her having calling me her daughter in her mother tongue and me having to correct her every time and her saying no your my daughter. Shit gets fucking old real fucking fast. It’s a hell lot to navigate when you have to move back home. I miss my college life because of that freedom from that denial, freedom to really express who i am and able to figure that out in a safe welcoming environment. Coming all the way back to my point lol i’m just deeply uncomfortable outing myself as trans. It was affirming to hear in that youtube video I was watching that many trans people don’t want to be outed, that it’s okay to stealth because bringing up being trans is tiring. Like I am a male, i don’t want to have to bring up me being trans all the time, makes me really understand the want or need to be passing. Like do people not realize that if there was a magical change your gender button, we would not hesitate to press it? If i could had been born into a male body i’d be a regular cis male, no question about it. But life doesn’t work that way. I honestly, wished I had the knowledge and money back when I was younger. Maybe i’d be able to navigate and live my life as who I am earlier. Now i gotta figure things out, and present myself to those who already know and not want them to look at me as a trans person but as just a normal regular person. What a difficult matter this is. One could only wish. That being said still trying to navigate my way on transitioning and whatnot. Living in a dominantly Asian community made up of older folxs doesn’t lend itself to give you resources to access on these kinds of topic. When this whole pandemic thing and we get the whole nation reformed I’ll go searching for some resources. As long as I live here back home, i don’t think i’ll be able to live freely. 

rambly rambly rambly

lately i’ve been consuming a lot of josei manga especially those harlequinn mangas. god damn are those manga one shots so infuriating like COME ON JUST LEAVE THE MAN, DON’T GET BACK WITH HIM. Every goddamn manga is the same, the girl meets the greek tycoon/ rich british snob/ arabian prince gets pregnant, gets her heart broken and leaves him, guy find out he has a kid and forces her back, goes thru misunderstanding for 2 pages, then kiss kiss fall in love. Like it is the same every god forsaken time and yet I still get all angry lmao. I should know it by now why am I still silently screaming at 4am reading these mangas. I know what happens yet i’m still screaming LEAVE HIM, DON’T TAKE HIM BACK, BE YOUR OWN WOMAN WHO DOESN’T NEED NO MAN. I find myself laughing at myself because I put myself in that situation when I read it and then I get angry when I chose to read it lol. If I wasn’t so camera shy I’d have great reaction videos and livestreams of me when I read manga. Cause I talk to myself a lot when I’m reading manga, it’s kind of funny. 

On that light note i’m just gonna end this rant. I’m sleepy and I think i dumped out all the thoughts that’ve been accumulating at the back of my head out. Till next time!!

TW FOR ED AND NUMBERS RELATED TO IT, please tag as 🌞 — okay, so i’m 19 and struggle with anorexia linked to gender dysphoria. my mother just asked me if i have fats in my diet as she “heard it’s good for brain to work” despite the fact i asked her to not talk about such topics with me. i know she’s worried, but i just went to the mirror and thought “am i that fat?”. she labels and talks about food this way a lot, and i relapsed as my father said he doesn’t need to eat for a whole day at all one

🌞 day. i also know bmi’s inaccurate, but my current is x and from the research i’ve done, it’s considered low. i try to eat enough but i‘m paranoid about that my heart might just stop. we can’t afford treatment so if i’d decide for an alone recovery my house environment HAS to change completely. what can i do in order for it to do so? i thought about making a “contract” in which there would be stated what is okay to do and what’s not, how these comments affect me, and both of the parents

🌞 should sign it in order for me to be honest with them, like partly on my conditions. is it a good idea, and if yes, how do i write that? thank you so much for any advice and suggestions!!

(Note: the number in this ask has been censored to avoid triggering others.)

Hi 🌞,

I'm so sorry that your parents have been making you feel this way! It's not okay for them to make you feel bad about yourself, so I'm glad you want to talk to them about it as you deserve so much better. 

A contract honestly sounds like an amazing idea! It's unfortunate that you have to go to such great lengths to get them to understand how serious this is, but having this written down on paper may be what it takes to have them finally get it. It sounds like their comments about food and eating are a huge part of your disordered eating, so it's important that they understand exactly how these things affect you. I definitely think you should include concrete examples of how their comments affect you, as you said. Writing or typing out this contract and editing it several times before giving it to them may be a good idea because you can make sure that you have written out everything you want to say. Hopefully by expressing your concerns clearly, they will understand how serious this is for you and then stick to this contract.

You mentioned not being able to afford treatment, so I wanted to mention that there may still be a way to get professional treatment despite not having the money for it. There are some therapists and other providers who use a sliding scale, meaning they would take your financial situation into consideration when deciding how much to charge you for their services to make it more affordable. It might take a little research, but you may be able to find someone in your area who offers this. I mention this because eating disorders are very dangerous and can definitely be deadly, so you deserve to get the help you need in order to recover from this. 

In addition to seeking help, there are other ways of coping with your symptoms. For instance, trying to challenge your thoughts about restricting can be helpful for avoiding restricting. Making your own homemade meals, especially if you can cook with others to make it a funner activity, can also be helpful. Keeping yourself distracted can even be helpful when you feel like restricting to help get your mind off the thoughts. We have a page with tips for coping with disordered eating behaviors here that you might consider checking out. 

I'm wishing you the best of luck with this and please let us know if there's anything we can do to help! 

-Samantha