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philosophicalmisuse · 2 months

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Victor from From and Autistic Coding in media

Just finished season 1 and a couple eps into season 2, enjoying it lots so far! Only spoilers for season 1 I think, maybe mild for season 2

Just seen a couple of people discuss Victor and Autism and neurodivergence in general and wanted to add my two cents

I reckon he's autistic-coded (and I think the distinction between is autistic and is autistic coded is important) -

- trouble socialising (esp with other adults, but having an easier time with kids - socialising well with people below and above ur peer group is fairly common)

- restricted interests (the peaches being the one thing he liked to eat jumped out to me - thought it was so sweet how donna made sure that he had some and that she was rationing them for him specifically, both so others wouldn't have them and so that he could have them regularly for as long as possible and genuinely took seriously how important it was and attempted to hold back other supplies in case they ran out to provide an alternative but was aware it likely wouldn't work - she looked at why he liked the peaches and accommodated his needs not just in terms of well this will keep him happy but in a caring way for him as a person, such a little thing but damn made me like donna so much)

- the visual language of how he's presented - wearing his (casual flannel) shirt buttoned all the way up to the neck and pants cuffed, just like how he did as a kid, holding onto an object from his childhood, posture that is overly "correct", slightly shambley walk, 'evasive' body language that avoids eye contact etc - ! important to specify here that I'm not saying all autistic people dress or move like this, I for one hate things touching my neck so you wouldn't catch me dead in a button up all the way to my neck, but this visual language/costuming/physicality is super common for male autistic-coded characters as a visual shorthand to express restrive patterns of behaviour/outsider from social norms of dress, so it jumped out at me right away. Two other examples that spring to mind are young Sheldon and elementary Sherlock Holmes

- the language/tonality he uses - often repetitive to express the rules while not always explaining why (example being when jade takes his violin and ransacks his room, he doesn't explain why jade shouldn't go into his room or how it made him feel, he visually shows distress and repeats the rule that jade violated, even when jade explains his pov - victor responds in his face to the comment I thought you were dead, seemingly understanding that that's reasonable, but it's not relevant to the rule as he isn't dead so he repeats the rule) - he's often fairly monotone/expressionless as well - I don't know how to explain this but some of his inflections/patterns of speech are very familiar to me in terms of how I and other autistic people I've met talk. There's something about how and where the voice goes up and down in a sentence that I can't really explain

- disliking change (eg. peaches)

And I'm sure there's more but these are the main ones I remember

NOW!!! onto my broader points

I have seen some people online argue that:

he's not autistic he's just traumatised

This is rational and I get it! He's presumably been alone since a very young age so not 'socialised', he's had to learn the rules of this place and stick to them or die and so on. The behaviours of cPTSD and asd have a large amount of overlap.

However, my first point would be that a traumatised autistic person (which is most autistic people tbh) look/act different from traumatised non-autistic people. Most autistic people that you meet are traumatised, and there's a lot of traumatised people who aren't autistic. Having cPTSD and having a trigger to a specific sound, for example, is different from having SPD and getting tired/stressed/having a meltdown from most sounds being too loud and your nervous system being unable to distinguish between a relevant loud noise and an irrelevant loud noise and giving you all noises at the same level and stimulating your nervous system to react to them the same, for example. In cPTSD your nervous system is likely also inflating lots of noises, because lots of noises were relevant to your survival in a traumatic environment - but in SPD (something many ASD people have and some argue may be a major facet of the disorder that has, until recently, been unhelpfully diminished in diagnostic resources) this would happen whether or not you were traumatised.

The collection of traits in the DSM is descriptive of a way of processing the world around you - and when people argue that Victor is autistic, they're saying that he is behaving in a way that appears to be characteristic of a certain combination of traits. Additionally, he was old enough to experience some socialisation, and had enough resources to experiment with other ways of dressing - there presumably have been other people that have come to the village over the years, as well. What I see in the character is a very traumatised autistic adult using patterns of behaviour that are explicitly autistic in order to survive in a terrible situation, HOWEVER I would argue that it doesn't matter very much

Regardless of whether he is or is not autistic (he's a fictional character and we can never have enough info to really know unless the characters or creators of the show explicitly say it, ofc) what is relevant in my opinion is that he is CODED to be autistic.

The way the character is presented is similar to a lot of tropes in media about how autistic characters are presented. Whether you think that the character in and of himself is or is not autistic, I think it's fair to say that the way he is characterised is similar to a lot of other male autisic-coded characters in media

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT?

It's important both in terms of how we analyse/interpret the specific media, and how this can impact social understanding of autism more broadly

First of all, it may tell us something about how Autism is portrayed in media. An autistic character in another piece of media who has not experienced the same levels of insane trauma in a horror setting is thought to behave similarly to a character who has experienced these things.

Secondly, it tells us about how the other characters in the world relate to Victor. Why do they instantly see him as being weird, when initially the only thing he does is simply have a conversation with a new resident? He's instantly seen as a threat by the dad, explicitly seen as weird by everyone else, where the young girl who murdered someone is seen as someone safe, and positive for taking care of the child and distracting them from the horrible new situation they find themselves in.

Honestly, he's initially presented as a sexual threat to both children - I've seen some ppl online refer to him as 'paedophilic'. Why is this?

I would argue it's because autistic traits, down to the way autistic people move and speak, are seen as inherently threatening and other. I don't even blame the people who do read him as predatory, as it's so common in media to be presented with people who look/behave like Victor ending up being creepy and weird. Autistic people are infantilised, seen engaging with children, and the audience is told they're weird - even the dad was so strongly hostile to Victor harmlessly talking to his child BEFORE he took him into the forest (something that I completely agree any parent would be reasonable for responding to extremely hostily). It was clear this was something Victor was used too as well.

This is a common trope. A weird, socially inept older person forms an unlikely friendship with an open-minded child - who is often discouraged from being friendly with this person, as they are viewed as sinister and a threat from adults in their life. This is used as a double-bluff - the real threat to the child is actually the young woman who the adults are fine with spending time with their child, as they view her as fundamentally non-threatening.

This enabled me, as a viewer, early on, to discount the information that was alluding to Victor being a threat - but its also a really frustrating trope, because it relies on the fact that audiences do see autistic patterns of behaviour/speech/movement as fundamentally other/threatening. Even if you subvert this trope by making the threat come from somewhere else, and tell the audience that really they're bad/foolish/wrong for thinking Victor was a threat, you're still using the same tropes that make real autistic people be viewed with suspicion simply for existing in the world. Victor is still portrayed as creepy, and still has to earn the protagonists trust in a way other characters don't. He, and other autistic coded characters, still start off in a deficit, at a negative, where other characters start off with a neutral or positive. This really does impact real life people as well!

Another trope that is used that is relevant is the 'weird' character having a special amount of knowledge about the problem at hand that other characters discount because of their weirdness (knowledge often initially only shared with an open-minded child character). This is so frustrating! I even remember this coming up in The Dressmaker, when the intellectually disabled character (I think? It was one of those very generalist disabled character presentations, to my knowledge) witnessed the crime but no-one thought to ask them who did it till the end, and initially presumed he had done it or something (I still enjoyed the movie tho). Its bizarre to me that none's asking Victor what he knows - he even expresses early on to the kid that noone listens to him or cares, from memory. I find this so frustrating, and is again really common - and is also a part of the othering of autistic coded characters - they're 'not of this world', but are part of both and none at the same time.

While this is something that many autistic people feel and experience, it's partially because we're ostracised from our peers because we're so 'weird', so it's really frustrating to see this replicated time and time again in fantasy, horror and thriller genres especially - it sort of reenforces a social standard that's causing the problem. Rather than create understanding and support the elimination of notions of 'weirdness', even if the character is important and initially creepy but not a threat, they're still not of this world. It's still reasonable to see them as weird, because they are weird. The characters are rational for responding to the autistic coded character as if there's something off, because there is - even if they're ultimately on the same side.

This also has real-world impacts. People discount likely threats in favour of fear of unfamiliar behaviour. For example, the whole predatory thing - autistic people are more likely to be victims of predatory behaviour, not perpetrators of it (for example, autistic women are 3x more likely to have been sexually assaulted than non-autistic women). However, there's these stereotypes in media where an autistic character is so weird that they're viewed as threatening - and, in some crime genre tropes, for example, the threat is confirmed. Even though most predators are stand up members of the community (compensating for their misdeeds via good acts) and people are surprised that they were perpetrators of horrific crimes - crime is often so horribly mundane - the media focuses on portrayals of mentally ill loners, utilising coding that is similar and sometimes the same as the coding of autistic characters. Not saying that no autistic person comments a crime of course, they demonstrably do, but utilising a media shorthand for violent/predatory criminals that is also used for autistic characters - as it is much more conforting for audiences to feel as if they would be able to tell from someone's weird behaviour if they're likely to be a threat - can have some really troubling real world consequences. Also not saying that no autistic coded character can possibly be portrayed as a villain - I really enjoyed Zac's plotline in Bones for example, especially the relationship that the two characters had - but it's the focus on these 'weird, socially inept' villians, over the far more common absolutely totally 'normal' person/family member/ local upstanding citizen that makes people disproportionately fear/stigmatise autistic ways of being

Then, other shows play off of this coding to 'subvert' it, reenforcing the connection along the way

All this being said, I really like Victor, I loved his relationship with Donna, and I'm really enjoying the show more broadly. However, I could defs see a lot of the narrative of s1 coming because of the shows use of autistic coded behaviours for Victor

I found it interesting that some fan theories have actually centred Victor's neurodivergence, and suggested that other characters are also neurodivergent and that might be why some of them are here/chosen - I find that interesting, especially because of the use of 'psychosis' in the show being a conduit for seemingly real voices of people who have passed away there

It will be interesting to see where they take it, and I'm excited to see what else happens in season 2 and even more excited for season 3 - but yeah, Victor is defs autistic coded, and some of those tropes do have negative knock-on consequences. Defs something that will impact my enjoyment of the show, depending on where they take it! It could be awesome and exciting and could be devastating or eye rolling etc but still excited to watch

#from tv show victor #from tv show #from epix #from mgm #FROM victor #from mgm+#mgm from #mgm+ from #epix from #from 2022 #autism #autistic coded character #autism tropes #autism and horror

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steveskafte · 2 months

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WALLED CITY When old folks get nostalgic about smalltown times gone by, I try to bite my tongue and let them tell their tales. They wax on about when everyone knew everyone, and most local families stretched back untold generations. But as someone who was there for the end of those days, I couldn't have been happier to see them go. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, before smart phones and social media became the norm, all of my interactions were limited to being face-to-face. If you're a local sports star, or popular in general, you might not mind a small pool of people to pull from. That wasn't me. I was extremely introverted, so shy that I'd often cut through back yards to avoid passing groups of kids on the sidewalk. I was the weird kid, into all the nerd and geek stuff before it was cool – and years before it was normal. It wasn't until after school, in my late teens and early twenties, that I first made friends my own age. I owe this entirely to the internet, a rising way to reach out and discover a world beyond my immediate borders. When you're a poor fit for your surroundings, you might go wrong and start suspecting that you'll never belong anywhere. In some forlorn hope, people like me used to always move to the big city – the only sure way to become your own person. I had it easier than some. All the gay kids went running and never looked back. Psychologically, I found it intensely oppressive to feel like an outsider in my own hometown, because it left me incapable of truly claiming it as my own. But with the benefit of every kid I ever knew moving away, I slowly belonged in Bridgetown for myself. Now I feel as if the entire Annapolis Valley area is more or less my hometown. When I mention my neighbours, I mean folks from all around, not just those who fill my village of a thousand souls. The invisible barrier I felt has long since fallen – no walled city to keep my heart in check. Where the older ones might feel that something was lost, I can only see what's gained. I've found connections that seemed impossible before, new perspectives I never would have known. I discovered wonderful art and music, met my wife, and built my entire career on the backbone of modern communication. It's served me well and only brought me good. Even better, my hometown itself is far more open-hearted. People come and go more often than before, but it serves to make us more aware of the value in welcoming. I'd never go back even if I could. The good old days had too much bad in them for someone like me. March 3, 2024 Granville Centre, Nova Scotia Year 17, Day 5957 of my daily journal.

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howtonotgocrazy · 6 months

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High School

Everything that's spit out on TV makes high school seem like they should have been the glory days. Make it seem like a carefree time that's full of parties, someone else paying all your bills, friends and occasionally attending classes. I don't know about you, but that wasn't my experience. I had trouble making friends due to moving around a plethora of times. I was quiet almost to the degree that I could compare with that weird quiet girl from The Breakfast Club, and if you don't know that movie, ignore that I'm fully showing my age and go rent it. Although BlockBuster is closed, so stream it or be a rebel and pirate it. (Pirate responsibly... And maybe don't) I wasn't invited to parties. I felt that I had nothing in common with any of the people around me who seemed to have been friends since kindergarten, causing me to avoid trying to be included. Even the outcasts didn't seem to have a place for me. In summary, high school sucked for me. I couldn't wait to be done and move on to finding a job and an apartment on my own in the real world where somehow in my head everything would be different for me socially. I did eventually move out, and to another country to be with a guy I met online but that's a tale for a different post.

I remember there was this one school assembly. It was in regards to the very sad wave of school bullying that was leading to some students acting out in the worst ways imaginable. This assembly's goal was to meditate that. Make kids aware that bullying is an instigating factor, and inclusive and acceptance of others was an obvious remedy. At one point, they had all the kids who were new to the school raise their hands, I raised mine awkwardly. Then the presenter asked the other kids if they knew those new kids and if they had made any attempt to talk to them or make them feel included. I knew that a select few had tried, despite my shyness, but for the most part I was just ignored. I don't blame any of those kids for ignoring me. Because my being shy and sucking at small talk was their fault. Plus they were teenagers and high school is awful so I get they were trying to survive the same rapids I was. But it was interesting to hear how many people behind me comment on their efforts to the opposite falsely.

I guess the main point I want to make here is that we all go through times in life that are challenging and seem unfair or impossible to overcome. This is a truth that none of us can escape. But an even more powerful truth is that your life situations will land on your doorstep regardless of how you eventually navigate through them and you have the ability to choose for yourself how you steer that navigation. My advice is to choose the direction that provides the happiness you deserve.

One of my very favorite singers (and there are too many to reasonably name here) is an artist called NF. He sings about a lot of mental health topics and one of his most powerful lines is "the mind is a powerful place and what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way". He goes on to talk about how changing negative thought patterns into positive ones can completely change your outcome. And from experience, I can tell you he's right. By seeing an impossible situation in front of you, and then telling that downer of a thought process to relax while you look for other possibilities is incredibly powerful. TANGENT- my dad is a bit of a loose canon, personality wise. When someone irritates him. He rants and rants about how he doesn't like people. One particular day, I come to visit and a neighbor complained about his dog not being on a leash. To be fair, the dog was in her own yard, she's very obedient to my dad's comments to her, and she is an all around good natured dog. Also to be fair, we know nothing about the neighbor or any past experiences that would cause his anxiety over the situation. Well I've taken to smoke breaks with my dad. It's a good bonding time and because of the way we both have no patience for the others point of view, it's a wonderful way to release the tension in a room. This time my dad didn't want to smoke out front. Cause, ya know, the impossible neighbors thing. I smiled and said. 'nah, that's just one guy, I like the cover from the rain and the view of the birds, let's go out front'. He objected but due to his deep love of conversation, he followed me out to the front. I kept trying to change his outlook on problematic neighbors, but some battles take more than a smile. Thankfully, not all heroes wear capes, and a rather nice neighbor with a rather nice dog came by and the guy asked if his dog could say hi and the man came to talk a bit. It was a short interaction, but it completely changed the rest of that days conversation. Seems like a wildly navigated way to say changing your thought process can move mountains. But I know my dad. And that turn moved mountains.

High school is far enough out of my life that the memories of it don't hold me back. But it feels right to reminisce on who I was then, and how much I hated feeling excluded and burdensome to the normal people around me. And it feels even more proper to acknowledge that with a lot of self love, an extreme amount of patience, and a great deal of not letting myself hate my former shy, weird self, I'm actually a lot happier than I've been in a great while. Yes I still get sad, and anyone who knows me knows I cry over like anything even remotely sad. But by not letting myself hold onto things I don't want to incorporate into myself and focusing on where I want to direct my life and my mental health journey, I'm for sure a lot closer to that fancy Zen everyone always talks about. Lol.

Gist: Be nice to yourself. If you're in a life situation you hate, know that this too shall pass. Vacations and bad trips all come to an end eventually. Just keep focused on the good and you'll be alright. And if your life is diamonds and everything seems pretty ok in your world, try to look outside yourself and see if there's someone near you who is struggling and maybe give them a smile or some kind words. Existing is a challenge, enjoy the ride and maybe help someone else enjoys theirs a little more too.

Song to motivate: The Search - NF

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sachiwrites · 4 years

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some friends to lovers hcs for sakusa pls? i've been thirsting over him for a while and seeing him in the recent manga chapters plus season 4 is just--

same fam, same. its been a whole mess over here. yikes this got long

— you are 210% that neighbor who his parents rely on to acclimate their son into being a somewhat decent member of society. is it a hardy task for someone at the age of six? yeah. was sakusa an absolute shit at that age too? of course. but he stopped that one kid from pulling your hair in class that day so he’s basically your unofficial hero. even if it was only because apparently you had ‘cooties’.

— naturally you continued to have this unknown disease for most of your life. but apparently so did everyone else in Japan. except when you got older it simply became known as- physical contact.

— “kiyoomi, why don’t you play outside with your friend?”

—“ they’re dirty.”

— sticks and stone may break your bones but the mud streaked across your face and hands would most certainly kill sakusa. or at least that’s what you thought at the age of seven when you went grab him off his front porch anyway. he sort of whined and pushed you for it, causing you to fall back on your rear, much to his parents obvious disdain. or as so you gathered as you smirked over their shoulder as they carried you inside, earning an extra few years of sakusa’s ire.

— “yoomi, lets play tag.”

— “it’s kiyoomi. and no, play by yourself.”

— “sakusa-san, yoomi doesn’t want to-“

— “run”

— the two of you were ‘reluctant’ friends until the age of eight. more or less, sakusa was required to spend at least half an hour outside with you a daily. half way through that the tenture you had mercy on him and introduced him to video games within the safety of his own home. sakusa has zero interest in crash bandicoot, but he likes you a little more for your concede.

— but his parents knew what they were doing when they put their son’s social reputation into your hands. for a while you were his only friend but occasionally you were able to integrate him into society. through little things like sitting down your lunch next to his and offering to be his partner in project.

— “i don’t need your help with this.”

— “maybe, but i need yours, so pretty please.”

— sakusa was a young genius and it would benefit you to take advantage of that feature. call it payment for all your years of servitude.

— the only time you found yourself not needing to be a crutch in his life was when he was playing volleyball. it was an option during recess to give the students an opportunity to scout out interests in athletic ventures. the sport was almost too perfect for sakusa- as an indoor requirement with almost no physical contact. it was his niche. a part of society that catered to his needs in a way that didn’t require your intervention.

— naturally, others began taking notice of his talents. other students were more likely to invite him for games during breaks- most knowing to keep their distance and touch to a limit. his own enjoyment of the sport slowly geared him towards pseudo-friendships that allowed him to play more and garner his skill set.

— “im going to try out for the volleyball club.”

— of course you knew this much. it was what he was so obviously looking forward to the most in junior high. it was just his decision to share his own thought with you the struck home.

— “yeah? i guess i should get some cheers ready for you games, eh?”

— he flinches away from your enthusiasm, his face portraying a mistake in letting you know so soon. but not once did he ever deter you from coming. in fact, you continued to be made aware of each an every upcoming match regardless of importance.

— “we have a practice match against haizen today.”

— wasn’t the most significant but he invited you so you’d be there. probably more vocal than you needed to be but he could mark your attendance and that’s all that mattered.

— a small part of you was worried that volleyball would take your place. it obviously had more suitable attributes than you. but it almost became a staple in your evolving relationship.

— in fact the first game you missed inflicted the first real argument you could remember having with sakusa. it surprised even his parents when you met him the next day to walk to class. you were use to a quiet shoulder but not a cold shoulder.

— “is something wrong?”

— it continued for most of the trip until you couldn’t take it anymore and reached for his arm. instead of shaking you off, he turns on you, gaze lit a flame with an emotion you didn’t recognize.

— “i had a game and you didn’t show up.”

— thinking back you did recall most of the students congregating towards the gym after class. it vaguely registered but you’d seen less of sakusa that day and more of pressing from your teacher to get your grades in order.

— “i had to stay back with my instructor. i needed help with my studies.”

— it was a little embarrassing- not something you wanted to admit. especially to someone like sakusa who obviously excelled where you fell short.

— “you’re an idiot. you come to me for that. ill help you after my games.”

— perphas it was in that moment that you should have realized that sakusa was more cognitive of his reliance than you were.

— what he does realize it how much he’s going to have to help you if he intended for you to join him at itachiyama. the school had shown interest in him earlier than year and it was mutual. but it’s prestige called for academics when sports weren’t your strong suit.

— matches weren’t the only appointments sakusa held you to. nearly everyday after class, whether your place or his, he made himself present while you studied. he wasn’t an overbearing tutor but he called you out in your faults and made you aware of mistakes before they became a habit. he wasn’t going to make you a super genius but you would become a student worthy of acceptance.

— the two of you were building something that only your parents noticed at first while watching from the doorway. itachiyama would be a dynamic chapter for both of you.

— the title of that chapter is: volleyball. because wow does that become an even bigger part of your life. itachiyama was already a powerhouse before sakusa but now he’s a cog in the wheel and an important one at that. quickly climbing ranks and becoming an imperative part of the team. if only he was more receptive to his newly popular status.

— he was still the same old germaphobe- avoiding crowds and wanting to get home as soon as possible to shower in his own tub instead of the school issued ones.

— his personality sort of highlighted your presence more than you expected. but given sakusa’s overall avoidance of unnecessary interactions, it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise.

— “he can be a bit much, but please take care of him.”

— above your bowed head, his older teammate coo and awe at sakusa’s cute little friend. this of course leads to more teasing for him but it’s all part of being part of a team- a larger whole. something you were willing to give up a bit of sakusa for.

— “are you two dating or something?”

— oh but that. you get a lot of that. not just by his teammates either. everyone seems to notice how sakusa tolerates you more than anyone else. though part of you wants to point out to his fan base that they would get a lot further if they just gave him his space. -yet here you were huddled up close in the library while he looked over your school work, so what could you say to that?

— “are you paying attention?”

— “hey, i got most of these right. give me a break.”

— not thinking about it, you go to ruffle his hair as a retort. an action sure to give you his ire- but it doesn’t? in fact his gaze doesn’t even lift from his book. and is he leaning closer? weird.

— sakusa is making rapid progress not only within tokyo but on a national level. it’s one of his teammates that points out his accomplishments to you one day while you’re waiting for sakusa to emerge from the locker rooms.

— “your boyfriend is really something else. already the ace of the team and he’s climbing the stats nationally too. you must be proud.”

— you are proud. very impressed, in fact. but sakusa is not your boyfriend. an important note that you most certainly do not get to point out because now sakusa is here and is corralling you towards the exit from his pressure of his chest against your back.

— he’s much more hands on now. less in tolerating your touch and more so initiating his own. it’s a late realization but most of your attention is stuck on that same teammate who is waving mischievously from the door.

— but oh man. it’s becoming a lot more obvious to you now when sakusa offers to hold you books while you change your shoes, and holding on to them even as you travel to class. he sits a little bit closer to you during study hall now, the erratic hitter of your knee brushing against his with every jerk up.

— “...are you okay, ‘yoomi?”

— he doesn’t complain about the name. not even a pinch of his brow, just confusion as he peers down at you.

— “im fine.”

— huh

— it’s all fun and games until his fingers catch yours one day while you walk side by side. it seemed like a fluke, just an accidental swing and bump. but then they’re latching and now you’re connected?

— “yoomi?”

— “it’s cold”

— yeah. okay, fair enough.

— periodic becomes occasional and now it’s a habit.

— and of course everyone takes notice. because sure sakusa tolerates you more than most. but now there’s a basis for it.

— “ah, so tables have turned.”

— “i knew it.”

— “top in the nation and already dating. our little kohai is such a pillar.”

— you’re beyond overwhelmed. worse because kiyoomi looks mildly irritated but doesn’t seem to be denying any of it.

— and you just have to ask.

— “yoomi are we dating?”

— because wow, only yesterday it seemed like he was still just your best friend. one who held your hand, shared his lunch, fell asleep on your shoulder in more than one occasion-

“— “we’re together. we’ve always been.”

— okay, yeah but context here.

— but then he’s dragging down the mask across his face, letting it hang under his chin. his lips are on your temple and phew, that’s new.

— “we should get home. i have a match tomorrow.”

— a game that becomes a statement in more ways than one.

— “ooh, is that sakusa’s jacket? so the rumors are true.”

— you fumble with the sleeves that seems to be determined to swallow up your hands. when he’d first offered it to you, it seemed so natural.

— “you might get cold.”

— god your boyf-... friend was so confusing.

— “not really. he hasn’t asked.”

— your classmate seems unconvinced but doesn’t comment further. that’s doesn’t say the same for the rest of the class who use every opportunity to chip at your resolve.

— “haven’t they been dating the whole time?”

— “they always hold hands now.”

— “i mean that’s his jacket isn’t it? it’s he like a germaphobe?”

— it’s getting harder to concentrate on the game. and certainly doesn’t help with every glance sakusa tosses up into the stands. by the end of the match, you’re beyond frazzled and ready to just sakusa the second he emerges from the gym.

— his teammate offer thanks in exchange for your praises on a game well won. it helps to distract you for a brief moment-but there he is now.

— his fingers slip befeeen yours like they belong and you can’t find the voice to complain. after congratulating him, there’s not much more said on your part. he walks you to your doorstep, not just the entrance, and lets his hand fall away. yet you both linger.

— “are we-“

— “are you-“

— when it comes down to it. obviously sakusa fails when it comes to words and actions seem to speak clearly.

— sakusa doesn’t protest when you reach up and undo his face mask for him. going as far as to lower his head, aware of your intentions, when you lean in.

— it’s a short kiss. a testing peck to balance in the shallow end before diving deep. his nose nudges yours and it’s your laugh that breaks the kiss.

— kiss-with kiyoomi sakusa-your once reluctant friend and now?

— sakusa leans in again. this time his hand on your shoulder for stabilization. there’s no tongue or extra touches. it’s just the act.

— life is all about changes.

— you smile and decide, yeah, you can do this.

— before he can leave, however, he’s tugging at the collar of his jacket.

— “i prefer to use my own detergent. but you can have it back tomorrow.”

— or maybe just some adjustments.

#sakusa kiyoomi imagine #sakusa x reader #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!!#haikyuu headcanons #ill readmore it when im not mobile

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fandom-hoarder · 3 years

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listen I have so many questions about Stanford Sam, like this kid who was raised in the wild, barely aware of acceptable social conduct arrives with his 2 ectoplasm stained t-shirts at his dorm and like ????? is he very aware of it at first? or does he think he's hiding it well? and like moving in with Jessica?????? he doesn't know how to water plants and that you have to pay electricity bills ??? Like obviously he's not stupid, we know that!! But there are certain things about ordinary everyday life that are just impossible to pick up when you're raised like that. And this is just surface-level stuff, like I feel overwhelmed just thinking about how many tiny things I do in a day, just normal life stuff that I've always done, that Sam would be like ???? so weirded out by, or maybe creepily fascinated ??? Would he try and copy everyone around him maybe??? and then all the odd things that he'd probably do !!! like just basic marine survival nonsense he's dad probably taught him applied in mundane life situations that would make him stand out and he wouldn't even notice !!! And he thinks he's doing fine, people seem to accept him, but then suddenly someone mentions like... TRL or something and he's like ??? and then Dean picks him up and it all falls to pieces, because it's so EASY and ingrained and he doesn't have to pretend and it puts it into perspective how not okay he was doing at Stanford even when it felt like he was ?? god I'm just rambling, like I barely even have headcanons, I'm just so overwhelmed by all the possibilities of how this would play out !!!!

Holy crap, first I wanna apologize if this has been sitting here awhile. The Ask notification location in settings instead of notifications on the app is so weird and I get them so rarely I don’t think to check. (and the website shows that I have 4 but this one is the only one it’ll show? How does tumblr work? Oh yeah, it doesn’t lol.)

Anyway, I have so many thoughts on this! But they’re not necessarily cohesive?! Like first we all know Sam is super smart. He’s curious. He’s inquisitive. But he’s also sheltered in weird ways. There are things he’s known about the world that most people would never know about, let alone kids his age at any given time; yet the existence of those things--and the understanding that therefore potentially anything could be real--also lends itself to keeping him childlike--he had an “imaginary friend” at age nine and believed in the Easter bunny through age eleven, which is much later than the average probably???

By middle school, he definitely would’ve been feeling the strains of his otherness around his classmates, even if they weren’t constantly moving around, but of course the nomadic lifestyle just makes it even harder.

I think Sam is a very observant person, though. He figured out something was up with their dad and The Truth at age 8! So people watching is Sam’s saving grace for getting along in the mundane world. He definitely learns to mask his otherness by mimicking mundane people.

And I get sidetracked here because then I start thinking about exactly how their childhood went. We know John used Pastor Jim and Bobby as childcare/parenting support to some degree. I don’t think we really know anything about Caleb, maybe I’m forgetting something, but my headcanon is that Caleb functioned as a “fun younger uncle” type to Sam and Dean: cool, responsible in a pinch, but mostly not given childcare responsibilities because of his wilding tendencies. (they learn swears accidentally from Bobby and John, but Caleb TEACHES them.) Sam and Dean didn’t even know about Missouri until s1, so she’s off the caretaker list. They had that babysitter they met up with in uhh... Swap Meat! But largely we assume that Dean had a lot of the caretaking responsibilities; maybe with temporary babysitters in other places the same as Swap Meat.

And lbh you just can’t expect well-rounded, informed child-rearing from a kid only four years older. There’s a reason I associate a lot of weechester flashbacks with Sammy watching TV like in Something Wicked, because literally little siblings are A LOT and sometimes you just want them to sit still and quiet and leave you alone for a bit omg.(wait, give me a minute, I’m imagining little 6 year old Dean on the phone with Bobby because John ran out for food supplies and isn’t back yet and Sammy is still asleep but Dean’s creeped out in the longterm room they’re staying in because he KNOWS about the supernatural already. but then bobby gets on John’s case about it--and instead of never leaving Dean alone with baby Sam again, Dean learns from John’s belt not to call anyone when he’s left alone unless it’s an ACTUAL EMERGENCY. Or maybe, because marine, John doesn’t use his belt; maybe he uses PT instead and every time Dean thinks about calling Bobby for that reason again, his abs ache from the memory of punishment situps, or his arms get suddenly shaky thinking about doing pushups til he just couldn’t anymore.)

I haven’t read all of John’s Journal, and I know it’s not actually canon, but IIRC the bits that I’ve read from the wiki show John and the boys staying with a family friend in Lawrence for a few weeks, MAYBE a few months before John visits Missouri and everything STARTS. I think if he hadn’t picked up and left with them then, the family friends would’ve been contacting CPS because they’re starting to think John’s grief is making him unhinged. (I really want to read the journal tbh--there are bits I’ve seen that make me fantasize even more about boyking!sam storylines... but I’m getting even more off track.)

So we’ve got this weird/interesting dichotomy of kids that are groomed with these hyperspecialiizations, too weird to really fit in with other kids but sheltered from the actual hunter life also--like the fact that there ARE other hunters, like as a THING, not just their dad’s rando friends that, as kids, they may just assume know about the supernatural because their dad told them! (jfc they’re SO PRIMED to be each other’s entire world omg I’m gonna die)

So like, by being quiet and observant (an imaginative kid, by nature and by nurture as John starts to take Dean out more and leave Sam alone with his own thoughts), Sam would pick up a lot of things. But they’re never anywhere long enough for him to fully grasp everything and he would definitely suffer a bit from the Dunning-Kruger effect--not having enough knowledge about a thing, but having just enough that you don’t realize you don’t.

Let’s say Sam observes and picks up some things about normal residential life by being around a few mundane babysitters. The nature of John’s “work” would mean that, even if they were in a more in-home-daycare-like situation, they’d be likely to be the “after hours” kinds of kids that are still there when everyone else is picked up and the babysitter would normally be doing their normal life stuff: changing clothes, cleaning up from the daycare kids, making dinner, etc (sam and dean would definitely help, either out of kindness or duty or because it’s agreed that if they help out John will get a discount on their care costs--don’t mind me, just projecting my childhood onto the winchesters hahh. I’m NOT going to go off on a tangent about Dean already having so much experience caring for babies cuz of Sam. He definitely doesn’t have all the under-4s following him around begging for attention while he burps one of the three babies their babysitter cares for after a bottle. it DEFINITELY didn’t make Sam (age 4, 5, 6 maybe) jealous enough to repress the memory so that over a decade later he would claim that Dean doesn’t even LIKE kids.)

Uhh... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Sam. Observing normal life. Anyway so maybe after things settle for the day, sometimes a babysitter will sit at the dining table with the weekly bills and their checkbook and do the bills. And Sam kind of loves things like this: it feels like something important; it feels like playing school before he was old enough to go (quick aside here: John totally enrolled Sam in school early, both because that’s the only way his age works with canon timeline and because it would make life easier if Sam was in school just like Dean--more cost-and-time efficient.) And maybe Sam goes and sits at the table and just. Watches.

And then he asks questions. When he’s curious, he doesn’t keep his questions to himself as a child (unless the subject is expressly forbidden: see Dean’s reaction when Sam brings up Mary). But his age would inevitably limit the scope and understanding of those questions. Adults are generally disinclined to fully explain the adult world to children, especially when it comes to finances, and in the 80s and early 90s?? With most of the adults of that time that I knew, those kinds of questions were considered rude and nosey. He might understand that adults have to pay bills; he may even understand something about utilities; but he wouldn’t necessarily understand all the requirements and frequency.

Though their nomadic lifestyle wasn’t stable by any “normal” definition, one thing to be said about mostly living out of motels is that your power is never cut off, or your water, or your heat. There’s always television, usually with cable. And the only form of payment you see going on is dad handing over cash or plastic at the front desk--one and done. My headcanon usually disallows the idea that they would’ve squatted in empty houses when Sam and Dean were kids (John makes plenty of bad decisions but I just don’t see him staying in a place without power or water with CHILDREN. Teenagers? SURE.) They would learn how to clean house and make proper beds even when it wasn’t always necessary with housekeeping available--both because of John’s military parenting style and because John would be most likely to opt out of daily housekeeping to lower the risk of having people ask questions.

So yeah, there are so many little intricacies of the mundane world that Sam wouldn’t be conditioned to even think about. Even the realization that he doesn’t know enough about regular life, as he grows up and longs more and more for that very thing because he’s never had more than a glimpse of it, wouldn’t necessarily be enough.

Would his natural curiosity lead him to ask those questions? He can’t ask John because he already asked Dean and got a dismissive answer because ‘what does any of that matter, Sam? we’ll never have to worry about that shit.’ and if Dean seems borderline offended by the sheer audacity of the questions in the first place, he knows John will be worse.

In the 90s, life skills were still kind of a thing in most U.S. schools. But in a really inconsistent way. Sometimes it was in health class curriculum; sometimes your math class would actually do a short focus on balancing a checkbook and banking if there was a chapter, but a lot of times those parts get skipped. You never use the whole textbook. Sometimes life skills was only in Home Ec, but H.E. was completely elective in my area when I was in middle school (the same exact years Sam would’ve been in middle school) and I’m assuming the same for most of the U.S. Sam may have taken it, or he may have taken something else instead (wood shop or computer class were the alternatives in my area). Maybe the nature of school hopping meant that he HAD to enroll in Home Ec, because resources for the other electives were finite, but somehow always managed to miss the bills and budgeting portion. Maybe he couldn’t even take Home Ec due to class size or resources and they just put him in a study hall for that period. (Maybe they put him in the computer class, where he mostly does book work until he gets a turn on the PC he has to share with his classmate.)

As an observant person, Sam totally would’ve known about TRL, I think. There’s no way at least one group of kids in the halls or lunchroom wasn’t talking about it every day in high school, especially with the advent of Britney Spears and Eminem and Jesse freakin Camp. Maybe he goes to someone’s house to try to hang out or to study and they turn it on and Sam watches raptly because it’s such a strange phenomenon and he hardly ever gets to hear new music, much less watch the videos. But he can’t actually get into it because the fangirls are annoying and his analytical mind won’t let him suspend his disbelief about how the voting works. (Maybe he tries giving it another shot in their motel room sometimes, but Dean vetoes that bubblegum pop shit IMMEDIATELY--no Sam, look, that shit isn’t REAL music; most of them don’t even play instruments. And it’s really not fair because Dean TOTALLY watched MTV’s The Grind in the early 90s for his fix of suggestively gyrating bodies before he figured out how to access porn without getting caught.)

Sam and Dean actually make a LOT of pop culture references, which always fascinates me. I imagine they did a lot of TV watching and VCR/movie renting in the times they weren’t working on a case with/for their dad (projecting again; my dad’s house was a very boring place on his weekends). The nature of Dean’s idolization of John and disinclination to let Sam have his own separate likes means they have a mix of age-appropriate pop culture knowledge and a lot of Boomer-era TV and movie knowledge--Dean more than Sam, maybe when it comes to things like cowboy movies and TV lol.

Anyway, as the realization that he doesn’t really know how anything works crept in, maybe Sam would try to lowkey create situations where he could ask his friends/his friends’ parents those normal life kind of questions. But maybe after his first few tries, he’s become so uncomfortably aware of how weird he is to even need to ask that he stops asking. Maybe he starts to tap into his specialized skills and starts snooping/creeping around their houses to try to glean knowledge. Maybe he scours the library for books on ‘what you need to know for life’--I have the urge now to do a google search on actual titles of books on this subject that may have existed at the time, but I’ve already spent a lot of time on this without going into research spirals. lol Maybe he can’t find exactly the things that are pertinent--still doesn’t fully realize that, though--and in the meantime his cache of esoteric knowledge continues to build.

So he gets to Stanford and he mostly understands how the financing works; enough to get by with enrollment and stuff. He understands that he’ll need to get a job of some sort to make ends meet because he’s there to be normal and normal people don’t pay for everything with scammed credit cards and billiards money; he knows that much. But he doesn’t really know about wages, minimum wage, freaking payroll taxes, etc. (I feel like Dean would’ve had odd jobs as a teen, some legit some under the table, but that the nature of John (and Dean) wanting to keep Sam home and safe would’ve made the subject of Sam working through high school a banned topic. And anyway, much as I’m not a fan of the characterization in Drag Me Away (From You), what Dean said to Sam about the impossibility of getting into college with the way his academic career would look is accurate. So Sam would’ve probably spent most of his free time on academics so he could get the fuck out, rather than trying to get a job.

Maybe having to buy his textbooks would be a surprise? John probably always qualified for Sam and Dean to be on free lunch/free book programs in public school, not to mention the likelihood of the records being at least partially counterfeit. But at the same time, John was probably very hands off with their school enrollment crap once the boys were old enough to handle it themselves, so Sam would at least have an inkling.

Sam would be a weird mix of no-boundaries and too-secretive, and his first attempts at acting normal would be a bit too put-on. He’s got experience acting per 1x16 (oh, maybe he did drama instead of home ec somewhere lol), but acting on stage is so much different to acting in a more personal setting. On stage you have to exaggerate your movements to project all the way to the back. Early-Stanford Sam, I guess, is a bit like Soulless Sam. He knows there’s something off about him compared to the people around him, and he just does his best to pretend he’s the same as them without calling attention to his differences, which ends up coming off robotic. A little Stepford. A little uncanny valley. He learns to bite his tongue every time he’s about to let something normal only to his family roll off it; learns to be even more vague than he used to be, because now he’s around strangers ALL THE TIME.

At some point, Sam has a little-but-big breakdown about a payment he missed or the fact that he had to steal shampoo because he didn’t even have toiletries in his budget and couldn’t even afford a bottle of White Rain or Suave, so since he was stealing anyway he got the special brand he really likes and then feels too awful to even use it and doesn’t wash his hair for a week. Brady takes pity on the cute but hapless puppy-boy who is a physical and academic behemoth but has obviously been living off-grid on some kind of militia commune for the past forever--at first the rumor was that he was Amish on rumspringa but the amount of times Sam has busted out some supremely random survival knowledge in casual conversation changes that rumor quickly--and has no understanding of the world. And by the time he moves off-campus with Jess, Sam has this masking thing down pretty well; he can almost forget he’s not normal sometimes and Jess only knows about his previous helplessness in a cute, anecdotal kind of way.

And then Dean comes and gets him and Sam’s all “you and Dad still doing credit card scams?” and Dean’s like “well hunting doesn’t pay the bills.”

AND SAM’S LIKE, NEITHER DO YOU DEAN! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BILLS ARE?! BECAUSE I DIDN’T AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW!

#ask #@princessconsuelapark #stanford era #sam winchester #pre-stanford era #sam n dean #john winchester's a+ parenting #long post

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scripttorture · 5 years

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I've gone through a couple posts, so I'm not sure if you covered this. If a person is exposed to torture from a young age, would they be desensitized to it and see it as normal and thus not bat an eye? Would their reaction be different if they were the victim instead of a bystander or perpetrator? You mentioned in another post that child soldiers tend to participate in torture as well due to their environment, however you also stated many times that humans are empathetic beings.

I think this depends on what you mean by ‘desensitised’. Because someone can see an experience as normal and still be damaged by it. A trained lack of external response does not necessarily mean a person is unmoved.

And, based on what I’ve read so far, I’d suggest that that is the most common experience of children exposed to torture from a young age. They think it’s normal. They accept it as a part of life. And it makes them ill.

Unlearning that takes time, social support and a healthier environment.

We can be moved by each other’s pain and still not know how to react to the world without violence.

And- this is part of what makes rehabilitating child survivors really hard. They’re ill, they’re traumatised. That’s difficult enough with an adult. On top of that they don’t have a lot of other life experience to look to, they don’t know what ‘healthy’ is.

And they can be violent.

One of the really awful things that’s come out of the lack of response to Daesh is- this sudden flood of children who are traumatised, angry, without a support structure and struggling against years of being taught violence is the ‘correct’ response to the world around them.

Introducing these children back into a community that’s traumatised often leads to other survivors viewing these kids as aggressors. They reject them.

I can understand why. If you’re dealing with your own trauma, your own pain, it’s hard to take on someone else’s. When that someone else echoes things torturers said, when they’re sporadically violent or seem aggressive, that can be too many complex problems to expect another survivor to ‘fix’.

Children in these situations need intensive, professional help. Generally they don’t get it.

Essentially all of the things you’ve mentioned can be true for child survivors at the same time.

Recovery is possible. There are a lot of cases of child soldiers, and other children who survived torture or genocide, being reintegrated into the community. These children can grow up to live full, happy lives.

If you’d like to read about someone who survived that kind of childhood then I recommend looking up Aki Ra, who did his level best to remove all of the land mines he was forced to lay as a child.

As with other survivors recovery does not mean the absence of symptoms. It means learning to manage and live with symptoms in a way that doesn’t interfere with what the survivor wants out of their life.

Most of the positive outcomes I’m aware of for child soldiers involve kids who didn’t have access to professional help. What they had was constant, consistent community support. They were welcomed into a pre-prepared support network, often a religious one. And after years of hard work, support and good parenting they improved.

Now- when it comes to a character’s reaction to being a victim, witness or torturer, well the answer depends on what you mean.

The symptom set is the same across these categories regardless of age. There are behavioural differences in children, ie they tend to express their symptoms in different ways to adults. But I don’t know much about childhood development so I don’t feel confident speaking about differences based on age.

A character in any of these categories could be traumatised. For a torture victim or a torturer trauma is guaranteed*, however when it comes to witnessing some individuals may be traumatised and others may not be. If a character has witnessed torture once and has experienced no other traumatic events a lack of symptoms is within the realm of possibility. But the more traumatic events like torture they’ve witnessed the more likely it is that they’d develop symptoms.

But symptoms alone don’t really tell you much about a character’s emotional reaction and how they process or justify things.

You asked about resistance specifically and given the context of the question I’m interpreting that as meaning opposition to torturers.

This is a common response in both torture victims and people who witness torture. In political struggles it’s a powerful recruitment tool for the opposing side. I’ve not seen anything to suggest that changes with age. In fact a few of the survivor accounts from children kidnapped to be soldiers talk about witnessing torture as- the thing that made them decide to risk their lives and attempt escape.

But torturers don’t express this. They don’t talk about having sympathy for their victims and they don’t seem to feel driven to oppose each other. Even though they’re clearly effected in the same ways, because they manifest the same symptoms.

I’m not a psychologist so I’m not sure how well founded my suggestions here will be.

That said- Based on a combination of what torturers say and what they do I think torturers spend a lot of energy denying their instinctive emotional and physical responses to torture.

They re-frame brutality as proof of their strength, ‘toughness’ and dedication. They deny the fact they’re experiencing symptoms up until the point they collapse.

This is exacerbated by the social structures they build up. Torturers don’t function alone. They work in groups. The toxic hyper-masculine subculture these groups build up means any sign of ‘weakness’ is dangerous.

Torturers have a marked tendency to turn on each other because they see themselves as locked in competition with each other. This means they egg each other on to more and more brutality. It also means that any sign of sympathy or illness could be met with violence at worst and being thrown out of the social circle at best.

Given the way they behave towards each other, well I suppose you could argue that torturers do act in opposition to each other. Not in ways that stop other members of the group from torturing or in ways that oppose torture. But they are competing, the comradery they display towards each other is understood to be fragile.

They know that the group could turn on them at any point.

And this makes any admission of the effect torture has on them a big risk.

Ex-torturers do sometimes talk about the effect torture had on them in a way that is- almost sympathetic to the victim. They talk about things like recurrent nightmares and particular events or images becoming intrusive memories. They talk about finding particular things grotesque.

But they tend to talk about these things in a way that’s at a slight remove. They acknowledge that what happened was awful but in a way that almost makes it sound as if they played no part in it.

They talk about torture in a way that focuses on their pain, or regret or symptoms with no real consideration for the victims or reflection on the fact that they caused this.

And like I said, I’m not a mental health professional. I don’t really know the underlying reasons why they do this.

Perhaps it’s the only way they can keep themselves going.

With child soldiers in particular we’re talking about a group of extremely vulnerable people who are coerced into participating in torture.

I don’t have enough data to reach definite conclusions about their responses because they are often both victims and perpetrators.

That said, from a few anecdotal accounts, there may be a difference between individuals who embrace the ideology/group that kidnapped them and those who don’t. The former group tends to survive longer in the group and that may also be a factor.

But the older individuals who have participated in a lot of atrocities and appear to embrace the armed group they’re part of- my judgement of the interviews is that they sound more like torturers when they express their views on events.

Younger individuals who escape (and I have access to more interviews of this type) tend to express regret, revulsion and a deeper understanding of the harm they inflicted. They also tend to emphasise that it wasn’t ‘their fault’ and that they were forced to act the way they did.

There’s a sense in which both responses can be seen as a survival strategy: the former for life within the armed group and the latter for life in a group of survivors. That- is not a suggestion that either response is a conscious choice. Just an observation that both responses make survival more likely in one group and less likely in the other.

I hope that answers your questions. It’s not a simple answer, or a short one. These are complicated scenarios.

The question of when a child stops becoming a victim and starts becoming a collaborator has been plaguing us for- well since the advent of warfare. And the ‘correct’ ethical response is not a one-size-fits-all stamp-

Perhaps if we had worked out a better way to deal with torturers we would have a better answer for these children, one that acknowledges both the harm done to them and the harm they caused.

*We think that the mechanism that leads to torturers becoming traumatised is the same as the one that leads to witnesses being traumatised. But the intensity of the violence someone is exposed to makes a difference. Torturers do not generally see torture only once; they see multiple incidences a day, every day for months or years at a time.

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#writing advice #tw torture #tw child abuse #tw child soldiers #child soldiers #child prisoners #child torturers #writing victims #writing torturers #writing witnesses #effects of torture #effects of torture on witnesses #behaviour of torturers #rehabilitating child soldiers

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hybrid-lion · 3 years

Text

*lights cigarette and sips tea like Kermit the frog while wearing green*

File under: wyldling stuff

"You do not want to sell me death sticks… You want to text me and have me do your dishes and sleep on the floor and make art with you.*

~Obi Wan

So let's see…

I'm about 2 months in now to this foray, it's actually genuinely nice out today despite the cloud cover (I grew up in NE so I enjoy grayish days all the same); I live for both sunny days and can be happy in the rain, but prefer not sleeping in the elements considering what I'm working with (as romantic of an idea it seems).

This is very much well known of me—

Oof that hibiscus tea hits just right though..

That hibiscus tea though..

Let's see, was able to consolidate the backpack we're still rocking with the 60 ltr. bag and thanks to the organization and efforts of giving people that showed up for us at St. Paul's here in the community I was able to get a couple things (A ground pad that I might not actually need (( I might be able to give that to somebody and pay that forward, got a sleeping bag, etc), some utilities. You know how that goes.

The past two months have been working with the land, cleaning up around town, reaffirming my lessons and send eof value of my self, holding people accountable and choosing where I place my time and energy.

The folks who organize the cold weather shelter on South Main deserve all the praise, as well as the folx down at the Friendly Kitchen for coming in clutch with regular warm meals. I've dropped some weight out here that I was hoping to keep on walking around but am strong like a taxidermied pachyderm again.

I've mostly been aiming to get out of the state shortly in the coming days and hit the road again which is my goal. I'm excited to extend myself to apply to different environmental jobs as well as bring my best to the table and good opportunities as they present themselves to me.

I genuinely believe people can choose to stop and take the time to start good processes. I'm aware of what I know and my journey and if you would, some of the ideations of that destiny and would believe others will seize their own alongside me, and choose to avoid standing in my way but with me as well in love and defiance of apathy or inaction, which is why I'm such a vocal proponent of my beliefs.

I'm practicing not having to be so vocal so that there is a more contingent balance right now and my energy and efforts are understandably valued as they are similar in weight and goals as other like minded folks.

I've been working out, practicing meditations and forms, and just getting back into the swing of things. My aims and aspirations are clear and I know that my intentions are good as ever.

Where am I is I am currently posted over on one of my favorite benches; don't really know exactly what the day has but I'm looking forward to it—

I have a heart song that I want to sing when I can sing it for folks without being pressured to do so.

In my heart the possibilities I have in mind are made reality, and Im quite resolved in handling things as I am capable best and positively fof what the day could bring us jn our best interests and designs.

I've reached out to a couple folks from my past life if you would.

I am hoping and anticipating that somebody decides to hit me back, as that would be super helpful in not being out. I would ideally find a dry floor to crash on and pull my weight in turn like that Orphans song would echo the sentiment of.

I'm going to be in the area for a little while and it'd be really reaffirming to catch up on some folks if they chose to and if they decided—

I forgot I have Honey and Oat granola bars too.. I have snacks.

This is great.

— as I was if they decided to do so and it was in their best interest as well— Genuinely just my best for mine and me these days and forward.

With my comprehension of oneness and many forms of practicality in reality I'll probably check in to different circles and with others when it's appropriate for me without inviting in tons of unneeded chaos in a negative fashion and moreso in Lightness.

Idk if anyone ever thinks of the lightness of chaos, or as I prefer to put it,

"I loathe constructive dis-order as I choose to see it…"

Planned for a lot of adventures in the immediate future that I want to pan out mostly specifically pertaining to artwork as well as hopefully I have my eyes on the horizon, working with the land as well as maybe doing some tending and traveling.

I would be way better off having somebody with me rather than just solo dolo, physically present.

I got to feed the birds this morning which was super jovial and fun and I've been doing that frequently with meditations on giving and receiving and just for the sake of it.

I just I picture myself atm unwilling to play the proverbial hermit/

I actually still love people and socializing on my best days.

Going to be heading up either Northern New England or maybe down to the coastline.

I would like to see the ocean again.

I was thinking about that the other day which it occurs to me.

Honestly even though I've spent time by the water a lot it occurs to me that I never really like had like an avid passion for hanging out or like experiencing the ocean that much as a young adult or as a kid growing up it wasn't out of like fear it wasn't out of animosity…

(although sharks and things in the depths are very scary you know like stare into as the saying goes into the void the void stares)

Back like there's probably things down there you wouldn't want to be poking.

Same could be said for a lot of things but you know also you know when you go into something with the right mentality you have to bear in mind you know your mentality— like usually attracts like if you can bear that in mind. So again absolutely l o a t h e me some constructive dis order 🖤💜❤️💜

Some of my life teachers or guides or a few out me into these and I in turn should fly over there when able and give them a big ol cup of hibiscus tea and mindful of how greatly I value their and my lessons and blessings in turn.

So yeah we're excited to see what the Day brings might be breaking for camp I do have to like my cigarette again apparently even though I'm trying to quit and will be putting it shortly

You only know what you know and where the day is going to take you as you can plan to have and you always hit some small bumps on the road.

I'm only expecting the best from myself and others these days which is really good applying my lessons as I see fit and not getting caught up on other people's interests from me and spending my time wisely.

Speaking of I do need to go to my old house over alcohol and procure some things I have that planned out with a peace officer and I'm just not going to be letting that situation weigh me down.

I'm not going to be associating with my prior abusers from my birth family that can't show up for love.

I'm literally going for some tools and CM and perhaps my yoga mat, which would be more it'd be easier to carry them to the sleeping mat and it'll be able to use it for yoga.

Stretching in the morning, which has again become very very important to me being out and about all the time and just thinking about it now it's like I want to work on my hamstrings but I'm not going to do that atm.

I'm still going to be procuring microphone when I have the resources available, more mobile gear than anything but still quality gear so I can get the podcast going in the meantime we're just doing logs and poetry and writing and patching and selling and things that make me happy little enjoy enjoyable pastimes like journaling.

I've been trying to get back to people as well have met some real ones out here that I would take with me if I was precisely able to, specifically some of the older guys from the shelter and kitchen, a couple of the sisters around my age, a few of my bunkmates and some other seasoned folks who seem like good souls, again focusing on tending to reality of my situation and minding my own.

Very much back to myself as capable as I've grown, when I'm able to despite the obstacles that have been conquered as well as the obstacles that have been accomplished and already overcome.

One door closes, another door opens and there's a time and place to address these kinds of things. Sargeant comes to my house like don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things like— luckily I'm wearing antiperspirant.

Clean as a whistle over here surprisingly enough even though I can't remember the last time I showered.

Which is hilarious even though yesterday was Saturday and I should have.

I should have showered then,

but I've just been mobile and like give myself punk baths here and there like the sink bath. Anybody who's ever been at like at like a camp or a conference knows very much about the same bath or a punk bath if you would whatever you want to call it without being too to non PC.

Going now I'm going to hit back a couple folks see if anybody will let me stash my pack with them for a little bit while I go over to my prior abusers house just so I don't have like a 60 l plus bag on my back all the way over there and yeah just expecting the best for myself in the immediate future and hopefully people will come along for the ride it'll be super fun lots of good s*** be wild wild times.

If y'all like my prior content or want to see more of my future content you can just get at me digitally most accessible for me right now when I have my phone charged until I can procure some more gear.

You can always contact me if you have to light if you want to like WebEx or zoom/ video chat as well as long as it's appropriate timing and I'd let you know but yeah you know if anybody wants to reach out to me feel free you know you again it would be nice to re–meet some folks.

you can look at supporting me or helping me get through this tumultuous time and then I turn I can always of course give back to the community to pull my own weight if you would both literally and proverbial as well as see fit you know what would work best for those involved in the meantime I'm probably just going to eat some granola bars and figure out where to put this backpack because it is lofty the luggage is lofty but manageable and I'm keeping it I also really want to go pick up my echeveria from the house I don't know if I can but something's telling me just carry the echeveria around with me even though it's like not exactly it's not exactly portable right now but how like how perfect would it be if I just have my echeveria like on my head or like on the in the back of my pack like like I don't know like I remember I remember being out in SF and seeing folks with like their cats or like their dogs and their rats just hanging out with them on their shoulder and I'm like I'll just take my complex houseplants with me.

I can effectively do for myself today looks like the sun's coming out peeking out from behind the clouds a little bit and even if it doesn't it's still out there somewhere which is super lovely and yeah other than that many blessings and you know make your day serve you to your utmost potential as only you yourself would know.

You want to get at me or if you want to support my at the time even like the smallest bean of grain–

You can hit the cow like button

you can toss a coin to your shifty cat friend

or you can hit me up on ko-fi so I can then turn by you a coffee however they pronounce that.

I know the value of my content and I'm going to be putting that on lock or at least some of the more special personal things for folks who want to subscribe to that kind of stuff that'll be done.

IG is still going to be getting regular updates along with my personal snap when I'm able to and in the position too and other than that yeah all y'all have a beautiful beautiful week ahead of you.

@hybrid_lion on IG

campsite.bio/hybrid_lion

http://liondaydreams.com/

Also if I was meandering through and stopped to say hai and catch up I might be kind of ragged but clean up nice

Working on this one as well...

#liondaydreams #liondaydr3ams #lionsden #new hampshire #hybridlion #allroads #hybridlionthoughts #deadrabbits #lionshare #hedgewitchproblems #wydlingstuff #LFG #lookingforroomorfloor

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