#maybe ill remember tht maybe i wont
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ao3 wrapped 2023
taken from here. i did this last year and it was fun so im doing it again
1. How many words have you written this year?
i published 110,143 words this year! written...... no clue.
the first half of this year was mostly spent working on the jdau, but the second half was mostly spent on working on oc stuff that i dont post anywhere. i have no way of tracking how much i wrote for that bc this year i shifted all of my oc works from google docs to saved files on my computer, so the dates are all fucking wrong. ; ; if you add that mystery number onto the mystery number of scrapped projects and wips..... theres no telling. theres no telling.
2. How many works did you publish this year?
i posted 12 works on ao3 this year, not counting the fics i rewrote. i posted 9 drabbles on tumblr. this wasnt a great drabble year for me, i think.
3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?
i like the afterlife drabble i wrote about jason and nico. i feel like every time i write about them theres just something so bittersweet and punchy about it. it was a cool idea that kind of leaves me thinking about the world behind it, but not in a way that needs to be elaborated on.
as far as fics psoted on ao3, maybe under the skin? its such a different dynamic, and the tension is drawn so taut, it walks the line perfectly between violence/hatred and grief/love. its one im always second guessing myself about, but i had so much fun with it, sometimes i just have to remind myself its okay to make things just for the sake of exploration/indulgence.
4. What work of yours has the most hits?
snow day, with about 1k hits. i think thats the fic where a lot of people stop reading the jdau. its short, its fluffy, and i do actually still love this one a lot. i wrote it when i needed it.
5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?
i feel like a lot of my drabbles this year were really weak, so ive been surprised by the number of notes some of them have gotten. otherwise, mostly oc stuff? ive always struggled with sharing original content bc it never feels interesting enough, but the few friends i have shared it with have been so supportive and it means everything. @roomfulloferidans and @ashysiashy especially are always encouraging me and motivating me to keep making more, and i mightve given it up a long time ago otherwise tbh
6. Favorite title you used
oh thats gotta be The Family Disappointment actually. i like how much meaning and interpretation is embedded in it. if youve been reading the jdau, you might think its jason, but seeing that the fic centers damian, you might think its him. both boys struggle with feeling like theyre bruces biggest disappointment, but the fic is about brotherly solidarity, and recognizing that maybe bruce is actually the disappointment.
honorary mention to under the skin, bc i think that one was very funny/clever. i also named some oc works "the debilitating fear of garage doors" and "the inherent eroticism of handholding" and i like those a lot.
7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?
its a fucking miracle. for once, i didnt use any.
8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?
i guarantee it was bruharv again. bc the jdau. ive finally finished it tho, so who knows what the next will be?? the world is full of possibility.
9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?
im going to be so real w you. my ocs. their dynamic is so much fucking fun.
10. What work was the quickest to write?
i guarantee it was one of the drabbles. altho i did spend much more time agonizing over them this year
11. What work took you the longest to write?
the jdau. but specifically, im sure it was retirement, bc that one is the longest by miles.
12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?
one!!! im working on a hs fic for the first time in ages, tho i dont have all of my plans for it 100% solid yet. ive got threeish chapters written tho, so i think i will end up finishing it. ill probably start another wip soon so i dont contaminate this one w the urge to write nonsensical fluff.
13. What’s your longest work of the year?
its retirement. its definitely retirement. its 46k and everythign else doesnt really pass 10k
14. What’s your shortest work of the year?
one of the drabbles. on ao3, its off book.
15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?
the aforementioned. its davesprite centric and so far its a lot about family and growing up.
16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?
probably “Harvey Dent Adopts Jason Todd” again. god im so glad im done w that au
17. Your favorite character to write this year?
my ocs. otherwise, im going to say 2f bc he is so babygirl to me w his sexy trauma and anger issues, and rose, bc rose <33333333
18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?
bruce fucking again i hate writing him so much its unreal hes barely even a person to me hes been written so many different ways so many different times the source material is basically a suggestion and i HATE IT. also, nepeta. i cant get her voice right and its killing me and i refuse to write in pesterlog format im NOT DOING IT
19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?
eridve baby im coming home <333333 (<- insane) but probably also a lot of hal ships eventually
20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?
i have reread the jdau so many fucking times reviewing for the next chapter its fukcing unreal and insanity inducing. if i reread it any more im going to start hating it
21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?
772. this feels liek nothing compared to last year but its so much compared to the previous years so i think im doing good and last year was just a fluke
22. Which work has the most comments?
snow day w 7 comments, which tracks, bc it also has the most hits.
23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?
nope! not this year
24. Did you write any gifts this year?
most of my drabbles were requests, and i definitely wrote some fics w specific ppl in mind, namely @roomfulloferidans (Calming a Storm) and @ashysiashy (some oc stuff), but i didnt technically tag any gifts on ao3 this year
25. Did you receive any gifts this year?
nope! im kind of the writer of my friend group so fics are not generally smthn i receive. however, trustymikh drew this drawing inspired by my mermay bruharv drawing inspired by their mermay harvey drawing, so maybe that kind of counts?? i was delighted to see my bruce design in their style, at least. @roomfulloferidans drew a very nice drawing of my oc rogue that i cherish, @mudp1es and another friend of mine drew our spidersonas, and i participated in an oc art trade where another friend drew my oc barbie. i think those count as gifts, even if its not Ao3 Gifts(TM)
26. What’s your most common category?
M/M again bc i think its hot when men
27. What do you listen to while writing?
i tend to just loop playlists or single songs, unless im really struggling to concentrate, in which case ill switch to white noise.
28. Favorite work you wrote this year?
my oc fic, the inherent eroticism of handholding, which im 99% sure i did write this year? it captures a very specific kind of uncertain tenderness where a crush is new and theyre feeling out flirting still. i think about the scene where theyre lying together in the dark while everyone sleeps and holding hands for a reason they cant justify, not looking at each other, talking about nothing, all the time. i also rlly like the oc fic i just finished a lot- domestic(ated).
that i published, i guess under the skin for reasons i already talked about.
29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?
im just gonna collect a few here, bc its hard to pick when i write so goddamn much:
Two Face hesitated. Carefully, he asked, “Do you think they want to get rid of you?”
Jason’s eyes flickered away from him, his mouth opening, and then closing. “Yeah?” he said, finally. He sounded unsure.
Water dripped from Two Face's curls and slid off of his nose, spattering against the symbol on Bruce's chest. He found himself blinking hard, his breathing coming fast and tight. "You told me- You were supposed to be- Not even in death. Not even in death, would you have ever told me."
The Backroad Home
Eridan kissed like a fire slowly burning him from the inside out. He tasted like liquid courage and saltwater spray, sticky sweet like taffy the way he stuck in Dave's chest. His hands left scorched trails behind when they slid over Dave's skin, haunting, dizzying, warm like the inside of his mouth.
Calming a Storm
back when he and Bruce had lived so deep in each other’s pockets that the line between his and mine had vanished.
To Late Bruce Wayne
For a while, Two Face just let the breeze wash over him, ruffling his hair as his skin prickled from the chill. A siren blared somewhere in the distance, and he sucked sauce absently from his thumb, setting aside the tupperware.
“I care deeply about this city,” the TV crackled. “That’s why I’m donating-”
Two Face tucked a cigarette between his lips, pulling his lighter out of his pocket. There was a ritual to it. The slow inhale, the gradual exhale. The wind pulled the smoke from his lips, and it disappeared over the rooftops.
Bruce’s laugh washed over Two Face. It was vapid and fake over the airwaves, but the memory of it rattled around Two Face’s chest, warm and startled as they rolled in the sheets in Bruce’s dorm. Longing took hold and ached.
Under the Skin. there are a lot of great lines from this one, but this may be my favorite
Spectre's chin bumped gently against Rogue's shoulder, inches left between them, and Rogue thought about how easy it was to steal things in the dark. "Tell me about something," Spectre whispered. "Anything. And I'll sleep."
the inherent eroticism of handholding. this whole fic was very quoteable and so is Domestic(ated) but i will make this my single oc quote.
30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?
that people would like my ocs, really. moth tenderly cares for them like real blorbos and i still dont really know how to process that
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yeah i cant help but think about, the awful things i did, and tho
i cant remember, i know i said things i shouldnt hav said
but tht doesnt make up for all the times u left me, in the cold.
and i want to forget, about the ways that you would scold
me n the morning, after i had sobered up
i didnt mean to be such an awful fucking fuck up
im tryina get it together, but we both know ill need time
to figure out, a way 2 do ths right and reclaim what is mine
i just hope that, you dont hate me, in the meantime.
to bridge the gap, i would offer you a glass of wine.
but tht wont make it better, if anything tht just makes our mentals worse.
we gotta figure out how to set on a steadier course
without the poison and the smoke and all the demons, i just
hope theres a way that we can come together and reason
a way out. of the bullshit, i want things to be ok. but
if not, i just hope that u and i will be able to stay
alive. coz i kno that its hard and we both simply wanna disappear.
but maybe someday i could b the voice u actually wanna hear
guiding us to a better future somewhere far away from here. but for now i just hope you dont hate me dear.
hope that you dont hate me, my dear...
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i dont fucking know if my thoughts are my own or if ive just been so emotionally and verbally abused each day that im starting to internalize someone elses idea of me. idk what to think lately. im so fucking depressed and anxious and sad like every single day, it hurtsso much, and it fucking sucks that there are people in my life who just view me as a sad sack of shit with no aspirations or value. i never get more than a day to get better from anything before someone in my life is pressuring me to get off my ass and do something productive. dont you know tht there is something seriously wrong with me. idk why i cant do things, i just cant. i wan to be so productive and social, i just cant bring myself to do it right now. i feel so trapped and overwhelmed. do you realize how exhausting it is to wake up everyday with a mind attacking itself, with a body that aches, with a hope that this will be your last day of suffering, with no sense of what it is you need in order for the suffering to stop. i want to scream but i have no energy to. i want to die one minute and then hope to save my own life the next, contradicting every word or thought with an action that is not my own. theres days where my health anxiety is practically non existant and then something will happen, it could be something so nonsensical and somehow ill get triggered or worried and there i go absolutely obsessed with some strange pain or weird tension, or god forbid i actually get infected with something. thats all i could focus on 24/7 until i find some way to make it better, but the worry from the thing that im feeling and wondering about my health, this shit brain decides its so stressful and scary that i should just starve myself, cause if i were skinny, these prooblems wouldnt feel so big, or maybe id be able to go to the doctor if im 2 sizes smaller. that doesnt make any sense. i know it doesnt so why do i do what i do. and then theres the cutting that i feel i have to do or else i wont learn from my mistakes but if i cut myself whenever i impulsively feel like it, then that makes my immune system too weak to fight off whatever i think i have this week so im trying to recover from that as its only making everything more complicated, but its all i can think about, especially in this self loathing state im in now. im such an idiot, im just a sick fuck who cant stop thinking to herself that maybe im faking all this and im actually okay. i think its all my fault for being this way, i dont remember what started all these unhealthy coping mechanisms but it has to have started with a thought right? i feel so ashamed for being this way, it was stupid of me to ever adopt such habits restriction makes me more confident but the constant exercise makes me too weak to go anywhere to show that confidence, and great! now i actually am sick, and my immune system is shit, and my emotional state and self hatred is making it worse, and im too overwhelmed to see anyone in my life who thinks they love me, because i dont want them to see me like this. they wouldnt believe me if i tried to explain that im struggling and need help. ive tried. they dont listen. they dont realize whats important. i know i put em through hell, im selfish, im self centered and dramatic and lazy and gross and undeserving of any love they think they have for me. i dont trust it. dont tell me you love me, you barely know me, the real me, the one i keep locked behind a closed door each night, to contemplate what im going to do about this shit life ive curated for myself. im so tired, im so fucking tired all of the time. i dont know how to keep going. i dont know how to do anything for that matter. im not even going to revise this shit post, im too tired, i just need to announce somewhere, somehow, that im so fucking lost that i dont even know if my thoughts are my own, or what it means to be a person. everyday with this bullshit, now im getting into existential dread territory, im just so sick of my own shit! im sick of myself. why cant i function like everyone else???
i want it to be over, i wish my problems could just be solved without any external help. i just want to wake up tomorrow and for everything to just be okay. i want to feel okay again. i dont need anything fancy, please let me wake up tomorrow with hope of brighter days. its so hard to see the beauty in my life when im being suffocated and pinned down by something invisible. i dont have the capacity to love or care for anyone or anything, and no one can see that i just need a break?? how can you not see me? no one can see, ill show them and they still wont see! they refuse, simply because, they cannot see inside my head and dont care enough to want to. they think they do. i tried to tell them time and time again but i think its just that when i am feeling okay, they dont like the choices i make. when im okay, i make sure i make the most of that time by prioritizing my own happiness over everyone elses, and that really pisses people off! to the point where they want to tear me down and take that light away from me. i didnt ask to be here, now, with all this pressure on my shoulders to be more than what i am. im simply existing. i can feel it. tomorrows gonna be so shit. i can always sense the storm before it comes, i wish i could prevent it, or ease my pain in some way. these substances are nice in the moment but eventually the buzz will wear off and ill just be me again, with nothing to offer. i dont have anything to offer. life is too hard, i gave up so long ago and didnt even realize that is what was happening at the time. i just go through it day by day without fully processing that ill have to wake up the next day. i wish my life was a dream i could wake up from. my brain isnt working right. i dont recognize myself. i hate how alone we all are. every sensation, thought, visual, sound, and taste. you are completely isolated from everyone around you.
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ok so hear me out...
This week has been...ASTOUNDING!
First of all we had exo's cb which i was surprised to see because ok i was hoping for it but not that damn early 😭😭😭BUT my ears have been blessed. What am i saying? Does exo ever disappoint? NOO or maybe it's just that i don't like crticizing bcz if i am in love with a grp i would go down the gates of hell.
AND
i watched MORE MOVIES!! YAY!! starting the week off with devdas, bro....i wont say i loved it or hated it. I was somewhere in the middle but it's srk so what cn i say?? THE COSTUMESS?? THE SET DESIGNS?? THE JEWELLERY?? omggg and the actresses?? Dude i have never seen an indian actress who isn't close to being a literal goddess, I think i do know about the first love interest. She's..OH YES SHE WAS IN PINK PANTHER! i just remembered it- and the songs and dialouges "LOVE IS THE SHADOW OF THE SOUL!!" 😭 indian movies are like musicals.
but some scenes were abrupt i mean how does tht candle not extuingishhh?? tht was kind of physics defying but hey they're trying to show the power of love. AND ONE MORE THING THE WAY THE FIRST LOVE INTEREST REMEMBERS THE AMT OF DAYS THEY'VE BEEN APART- PEAK OBSESSESION. However, ik this movie will hold a place in my heart. Srk was so emo in this-
then i watched shershah...it was based on a true story?....i cried, i wailed, i sobbed, my heart hurt, my chest ached and...it helped me see the movie from a broader perspective and not just the life of the mc. Like for soldiers, this is how their life is yk? and their families...as much as they're proud its equally heart-wrenching for them. AND THE MAIN LEADS GOT MARRIED?? at least we got them as a couple, hope they stay happy forever in along healthy relationship.
i also watched bajirao mastani and....what was tht movies?? OH aligarh one? so many different genres combined in a week. It was a rollercoaster for my emotions AND ATEEZ DIDNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER?? SEONGHWA RAPPER??? MINGI COWBOY??? SAN UNDERGROUND FIGHTER??? OH LORD-
the song has it's perks ok? it's not bad and its addicitve but at first i did think the ending was a bit messy, even the intro like i didnt even know when the song started, hwa gv me an attack BUT it was experimental ig idk? i hope we have another mv for either outlaw or this world bcz i cant live with the fact tht SUCH AMAZING SONGS WERE LEFT AND K-HOT CHILLI PEPPER GOT A MV??
the mv was dynamic tho. In concl. i liked it , didn't love it. It was def, not vocal heavy but more focused on the hiphop and rap element which is fine but...oh to hv the old ateez back. I would ascend if they released something like utopia or aurora again.
but yesss this has been my week in the entertainment section of life.(❁´◡`❁) and waiting for your works miss baeksyyy. Really dont be nervous. Idc if you take even 2 or more years to release it as long ik you're here and cmon i mean it's BAEKHVUNS WORKS ILL READ IT GODDAMIT EVEN IF U THINK ITS NOT GOOD BCZ U WROTE IT OFC U WOULD THINK ITS NOT GOOD but...its. going. to. be. my. holy. grail.
hello!!!
no bc that exo pre release had my ears thanking me to listen to it 😭😭 cannot wait for the comeback bc u know they will always deliver amazing albums !!!! no bc i would 100% go to hell for exo & shinee
AAAAAA U DID !!!!! AND DEVDAS??? 😩😩😩😩 he served such a disney prince vibe in it AND THE ACTRESSES ????? LORD HAVE MERCY THEY REALLY ATE GODDESSES A MISS UNIVERSE (yES THE PINK PANTHER LADY she’s so god damn stunning omg i cry every time i see her,, miss femme fatale) AND A DANCE LEGEND?? omg the dresses, the jewelry the emotion !!! they really are like musicals this one esp bc it was homage to shakespearean play!! i also do not know if u noticed this but
yeah shershaah, i also cried sobbed screamed and then doubled bc it was a true story 😭😭😭😭😭 the last scene where the music drops and the flashbacks happen and it’s his final rites and the actress runs in—
YESS THEY GOT MARRIED RECENTLY !!!!! and they did a version of a song from that movie but made it happier! ur right, in war no one wins,,, what got me was the soldier who hadn’t held his daughter since she was born and he was so excited to- and 😭😭 he 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
that bajirao mastani movie (the lead actors are actually married too fbwndhwj they met on a previous film by the same director who’s also the director of devdas) YEAAAAAAH cheating trope but so poetically done >>> YEAH AND ALIGARH BEING BASED ON A TRUE STORY SCREAMED CRIED HOW ARE PPL SO VILE
ATEEZ. MINGI RAPPER, SEONGHWA RAPPER??? SAN???? HONGJOONGS COCKY ASS ???? 😩😩 the song does have its perks,,,, when hongjoong says slow it down make it bouncy- that part especially! i think the only song i rly liked the was the world and outlaw,,, it also felt like the last albums’s dupe im sorry 😭😭😭 i just really wish ateez do r&b’s, pop’s edm’s, dance music… my wish is to have them get someone who chooses sm artists bsides like imagine ateez w songs like exo’s oasis,, rv’s i just, shinee’s body rhythm, or taemin’s heaven! or even nct’s magic carpet ride???? 😭😭😭 RIGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY BUY 15 ALBUMS IF THEY BRING SONGS LIKE TREASURE WHERE THEY HAD THEIR VOCALS AND ONE DREAM AND UTOPIA OUT LIKE THAT WAS THE PINNACLE OF ATZ 🤚🏻🤚🏻
the vocal yeaaaahh,,, it’s the reason i loved the exo song bc when i heard the vocals w nothing of auto tune or any sound editing,,, wow that was a breath of fresh air for me personally,,, raw vocals and a dream is what i wish kpop groups do like amaze us with your vocals GIVE US A MID SONG ACAPELLA??? oUu exo pls come back fast they need to show how it’s done
i hope ur week has been fun!!!! im so very nervous to post it like i have the teaser ready w all the tag list done and i just don’t have the courage anymore 😭😭😭 bUT I WILL POST IT this coming week somehow I AM HERE MY BRAIN WONT STOP WORKING UNTIL I LET ALL MY FICS OUT SO U DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABT THAT PART but thank u so much for sticking around really you’re so kind for those words <3333 thank u thank u so much 😭😭
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helloo!! i hope you’re doing well!!
can i ask for head canons when atsushi and tanizaki (separate) forget their s/o’s birthday?? when do they realize? and what do they do after they realize?
cause all friends forgot my birthday (back in dec). only my one of friends remembered and everyone else only realized the like half an hour before the day ended or realized the day after and ngl that shit hurt really bad (╯︵╰,) but it’s okay they made up for it ٩(^ᴗ^)۶
sorry i needed to rant a bit but take your time we love you!!💗💗
hi anonnie i hope ur doing well too ^^ im glad they made up for it because it really sucks for someone to forget that its ur birthday yknow :( so here are hcs for u :))
hcs for atsushi and tanizaki forgetting s/o's birthday
atsushi nakajjma
i dont think atsushi is the type of person to forget your birthday just because its that special to him
but lets say he forgot to greet you because he was busy with the agency
you were so excited for ur birthday because atsushi kept on reminding you about it because he wants it to be the best day ever for you :(
but when you wake up and he's not there, not even a note or a breakfast left for you, you felt devastated
"well maybe he has a surprise for me when he gets home?" you think hopefully as u went on with your day
you never really do much for your birthday, but it felt so dull than usual :(
when you got home from work or school, atsushi was already there reading a book on the sofa
"so there isnt something for me?"
he looked over at you and smiled, greeting you as usual and asked you to sit with him like he always does
and he asks you about your day, typical daily stuff he asks you
and you were really upset, did he really forget about today? was your birthday something unimportant to him?
"well, i went out and got this new headset ive been meaning to buy... it only makes sense to treat myself for today..." you offhandedly remarked
"that's great! did something happen today? im sure you did well today, angel. im proud of you !" he says, clueless about the hints you're already dropping
despite his warm words, you weren't swayed. he really forget didnt he?
you sigh and stood up, making a beeline straight to your bedroom leaving atsushi stunned and thinking
i think that's when he realizes that today's your birthday and he forgot
BABY FEELS SO BAD LIKE OMG I FORGOT THEIR BIRTHDAY !!
rushes out the door to find any at all shops that were still open to get you small gifts and food
good for him, he alr prepared your gift ages ago, but he beat himself up for forgetting the day hes supposed to give it to you
poor bby pls accept his apologies hes trying :(
knocks on your door gently after setting up some things
"hey angel? can you open the door?"
with a little hope left in you that he didnt forget and everything earlier was just for show, you stood up (tho you weren't feeling better anw) and opened the door to a very nervous atsushi
"c-close your eyes, ill show you something."
he leads you to the dining room where he and kyouka set up a small feast with gifts around
yes kyouka is there now he asked for her help along the way
"im sorry for forgetting earlier :( ill make it up to you for the rest of today and tomorrow i promise !! I love you !!" hes all 🥺 and rubbing the sides of you arms in hopes tht you wont be mad PLSSSS
ofc u forgive him !! hes too cute !! GEOFJKRKRKJDKR
and you eat with him and kyouka, opening the small gifts he got you along the way
he got you colored pens, lotions, a small keychain stuffie tht reminded him of you, probably smthn random like a crystal he saw at this one shop tht the nice lady told him brings peace
for the bigger present he got you the bag you've been wanting for a while, since ur work/school bag is pretty beat up alr
he spends the rest of the night cuddling w you and watching movies
hes afraid to go to sleep cause he might forget about it again and he doesnt want you to get mad at him :(
takes the day off the next day and brings you to wherever you wanna go :DD
tanizaki junichirou
POOR BBY you asked him to go out for today because it was ur birthday right
he forgot tht one small detail and brought naomi with him
PLS you tried to enjoy today w him because it was ur birthday and you know shes his sister and all but today was about you :(
you ended up being left out esp when you went to the carnival :(
LITERALLY YOU WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AND YOU HAD TO SIT WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER WHILE HIM AND NAOMI SAT IN FRONT
you wanted to be mad u rlly did but you couldnt ksndkkekfkemmfk naomi is like... part of the deal yknow??
the day was ending and you decided to go to a yakiniku place to eat and there was a birthday event going where you get a free pass when its your birthday
tanizaki was reaching out to pay when you but in saying "here's my id, its my birthday today."
HIS JAW DROPPED I TELL YOU
"oh that's why we went out today!" naomi says, looking at the cashier as he punches in your info, recording your entrance as free
he couldn't bring himself to look at you during dinner he was that ashamed that he forgot cause he now remembered that today was supposed to be you and him only :(
WHEN THE WAITERS STARTED SINGING TO YOU IT WAS MORE AWKWARD THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
naomi was greeting you and asking you about gifts and what his precious onii-chan bought you
"oh, he hasnt gotten me anything."
SHED BE SWATTING AT HER BROTHER
"you haven't gotten y/n anything?? onii-sama i know you love spending time with me but its their day !!"
she ends up leaving so tht her brother can make up for this so called tragedy he had caused
for a while it was just the sound of you grilling the beef and drinking when he spoke up
"y/n-ah, im so sorry i forgot :( do you wanna come to the mall with me? if its still open... ill treat you to anything you want !!"
BREAK HIS WALLET I TELL YOUUU /j
but he ends up buying evrything you wanted because he loves u and he feels bad :(
#bungou stray dogs#bsd imagine#bsd#bsd headcanons#bsd atsushi#bsd tanizaki#bsd x reader#bungou stray dogs x reader#nakajima atsushi x reader#atsushi x reader#tanizaki x reader#yatsugareboyfwrites
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check-in tag :]
tagged by @bwaldorf tysm ramasha!! 💓💓
time to talk abt my blog for a bit
why did you choose your url?
i just really love follow: find you<3 one of the most mx albums of all time 💕🥳
any side blogs? if you have them: name them and why you have them
i mostly have inactive ones!! (old fandoms) but i can name some current sideblogs i use
untagged general references @hanamizake
photoshop resources @200410
langblr references @zhiluanpo
how long you’ve been on tumblr?
unfortunately a long time <3 since 2012 (tho this blogs from nov. 2020)
do you have a queue tag?
nope!! my queue is untagged both because its easier and because im indecisive with tags
why did you start your blog in the first place?
i remade back in october/november because i wanted a fresh start <3
why did you choose your icon?
i made it because blue hour era yeonjun took over my brain for a bit (he's still there)!!
why did you choose your header?
same as last 😭😭 i made it because i just Loved tht era + the pink mullet + goth cowboy look was so .... like . exactly my niche
what’s your post with the most notes?
had to break out the notes counter site across my 4 blogs ive had (old main + two old sideblogs)
this blog: this painting of oranges w/ a short poem i wrote! (2.7k)
old main: hate to admit its an old gameplay video bc i used to be an overwatch blog but it has 2.2k notes
sideblog 1: old fanmade mv 4.7k notes but i dont like to count it so we'll go with old fanart from jan 2020 w/ 1.7k notes!
sideblog 2: fanart w/ 960 notes:)
so like. technically that one video but ill count my oranges instead <3
how many mutuals do you have?
128!! most of my followers are muts 💓💓💓
how many followers do you have?
174 :] and im SO happy about it i hate having a large following im not joking 😭😭 once it gets above 1k its hell
how many people do you follow?
308 <3 i like to keep the number below 300 usually but whatever<3
have you ever made a shitpost?
that term literally means nothing anymore but like yeah probably <3 i like to make jokes ^_^
how often do you use tumblr each day?
like i dont actively use it every day but i sort of alternate between checking it occasionally and death scrolling... i usually have it open passively in a browser tab even if im doing other stuff
did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?
fight? in public? with another BLOG? who WON??? babygirl im not that messy
how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?
if theyre important informational posts i try to!! uhm. if its anything else tho where its just like.. guilt tripping over stupid shit i literally do not care babe ill block the post
do you like tag games?
YES i adore them its so so fun <3 i love getting tagged even if im nervous about tagging muts 💕🥰
do you like ask games?
yes yes yes <3 i dont do them often bc im either not online at the right time or i dont have the energy but i like sending them in to others when i see them :)
which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?
god i dont know like what does that even mean anymore... i def have 2 muts who i REMEMBER vividly seeing them and their posts around a lot over the years and w/e so like.. maybe 2 of them <3 but i wont name names tht feels weird
do i have a crush on a mutual?
no but i DID originally meet and become online friends w/ my boyfriend because of tumblr + being mutuals years ago :)
tagging: @porthavens ; @sodrippy ; @gaemin ; @kihyunsgf & @transyebaiyi bc i know yall are okay with/like being tagged 💕🌸
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lol i finished the introduction to my policy proposal, got to the part where i realized i had to include theory abd thus have to concentrate on reading articles, got a headache amd panicked, went to my friend's room, bothered him ab t it, somehow ended up stressing out abt life after university, had an existential crisis abt not knowing what my capabilities are besides drawing (which i also rarely do nowadays) and i dont want to lie about being capable bc i hate lying unless it is to protect someone, i just cant lie anymore since i stopped living w my parents and i especially dont want to lie abt things i cant do, but apparently you need to in order to make it in life but i just consistently make so many mistakes bc of autism nd adhd (clumsiness / bad concentration / forgetful, like i dont even remember most of c my colleagues' names / lack of insight / being slow / taking very very long to learn practical things / issues with processing sensory input timely / panicking when not given clear instructions / fatigue from social interaction) and they just wont get better and i dont want to lie abt it bc i a. dont want to be a dishonest person, b. i am not that confident to pretend im someone skilled, which im not and c. i will never get better at these things bc illl have these issues for life. and i really dont know what profession ill end up doing in the future bc i dont have much knowledge in any arts discipline or field or whatever, and especially contemporary art and entrepreneurial stuff is big in the arts where i live and i just dont know shit abt that aside from general trends / conventions and it doesnt interest me anyway. i dont know any arts field tht rly interest me that much and the most interestung stuff is prob what depends on mainly volunteers. idk man. i just feel depressed and keep crying bc ill either end up with a parttine job and financial struggles, a typical working class job like my current mail delivery one bc thats at least something i know im somewhat capable of, or ill end uo on welfare but idk bc the last time i applied for welfare as an adult they sent me in this course for people to learn how to make resumes and job motivations, which i know how to do, but i cant do the shit that comes after that. i just dont know what i can do bc ive never been able to do anything well except drawing but i cant make it as an illustrator bc that takes a lot of entrepreneurship which i just dont have nor want to have. i just want to be able to live. im also worried bc of the fusion between PostNL and SANDD bc we still have no idea whats going to happen but colleagues are very sure that people will be fired / wont have their contracts prolonged and since im now at the age for adult wage and work only 4 hours a week in my contract, i dont know how much they would want to keep me as a worker for them. i rly worry that ill lose this small job bc it still creates a small additional income of 175-300 euros per month (depending on the amount of extra hours) and i rly need that income bc the loan i'm taking for studying is almost the maximum of what is allowed (my loan is 920 euros) and i will by the end of 2019 / early 2020 not have the right to free usage of public transport in midweeks anymore. though i can get discounts for students itll still get so expensive? or maybe i should cycle to school, which is another possibility but idk. everything is just so expensive and im overwhelmed and just keep sobbing since an hour agi and i feel bad for bothering my friend w my sudden existential crisis
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mayb just edit the original posts with what u can remember the anon saying? i dont thin ktheres any way to get the original qs back
god thts such BULLSHIT but yeah ill go back thru and write the basic gist
upd8: it wont let me edit at all bc i cant click save so We Fucked
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tsundere!jihoon
(as requested)
jihoon may act cute and everything but deep down hes Horrible at expressing his feelings
esp when it comes to u
u met bc u worked at a coffeeshop near w1′s practice building and u got close to some of the members
it got to the point where ud take early shifts to bring them coffee when u were done working
anyways
he literally had a crush on u the second he first saw u, but he played it off as cool and pretended to be apathetic
the rest of the boys saw thru it but u didnt
honestly u were a lil hurt bc u kept trying to act friendly but he always shut u down so quickly
at first u thought maybe he was just tired
but nope
no matter what time of day u saw him, he was always just as cold towards u
eventually u just sort of give up with him
like? theres no point in trying to talk to him all the time if he just ignores u
so u move on and focus on befriending the rest of the boys
little do u realize tht jihoons always staring at u in the bg
eSPECIALLY when u smile
he honestly thinks ure super super cute but he refuses to admit that he likes u
every time u visit, the boys give him The Look and try and tease him abt his crush afterwards, but he denies everything completely
u overheard one of their conversations once and u couldve sworn ur heart started beating out of ur chest bc WHAT
there was no way jihoon liked u, right??
then u hear jihoon talk abt how he could never like u and denies whatever the other boys say
ur heart drops into ur stomach
u cant help it
even tho u did think jihoon was cute, it was clear tht he was v different from what the cameras liked to show
to hear him say stuff like tht made u feel nauseous, esp since u had barely talked to him lately and thought u werent bothering him
with that in mind u try to keep ur distance from him even more
n bc of that, u start avoiding the rest of the boys too
like? theyre always together as a big group, so u figure its best if u just give jihoon space so u dont annoy him so much
part of u wants to be angry at him, but u also remember all those times when u first met that u probably pushed his boundaries too far, so u had this coming
before u know it, ure barely interacting with the boys at all, taking shifts at the coffeeshop when u know theyll be busy and wont b able to drop by
its not a fun change, but its not like theres anything u can do about it
u do miss the rest of the boys tho
they were always so friendly and nice, cracking jokes to make u feel welcome, and u never really had friends like that before
but it cant be helped, so u just try to focus on work and school
thats when jihoon comes by the coffeeshop
its weird for a number of reasons
one: hes alone, and hes never out without other members or at least a handful of managers and staff
two: its at rush hour in the afternoon, right when u know he and the other boys should be busy practicing
three: he knows u work there, and since he hates u so much theres no way he would willingly come
u figure tht it was probably a dare from the older members to have him buy them coffee, so u swallow down the emotions in ur throat and put on a fake smile
u act as polite as u can, welcoming him to the shop and asking him what hed like to order
hes avoiding ur eyes, which is a bit irksome bc u just want to do ur job and get this conversation over with
and u hear him mumble something but ure not sure what it is
u lean over the counter a little and ask him to repeat bc u dont want to mess up the order and have him get mad at u
but he just looks u in the eyes and says “u look thinner. u should eat more” and ure just like “?? excuse me?”
n he clears his throat and looks away again and says “lets go out for dinner”
ure absolutely shellshocked at this point
“what” u say, bc ure a very smart person
“lets get dinner tonight” he looks a little annoyed now, so just to mess with him, u say “what” again
he groans, crossing his arms over his chest but stiLL refusing to look at u
“you and me. dinner. tonight. ill find a nice restaurant and treat u”
“…”
“…”
“jihoon, are u asking me out?”
he tries to play it cool by shrugging it off with an i guess, but u can see his ears turning bright red
its so cute and different from the front he usually put up around u, and u cant help but laugh a little
but ure like hold up. awhile ago he said u were annoying??
and hes like oBVIOusly i wasnt telling the truth if i told everyone else theyd never let it go
dont u remember how bad it was then even tho i told them i didnt like u??
and honestly u dont bc u were always so distracted tht u didnt pay attention when the boys kept trying to get u and jihoon alone
“ure lucky i like u, y/n”
“ure lucky i like u too”
he kinda freezes at that like “wait. u like me too???”
ure just like “yeah?? i mean i think so idk ure going to have to be extra nice to me for me to be sure”
he waves it off with a “that wont be hard”, and pretends not to stare at ur smile
(this time, u do notice)
he asks u when u get off work, and when u tell him tht ull be done by early evening, hes like “perfect. ill come by and pick u up then”
even tho u tried to convince him tht u needed to go home after to change and dress up, he insisted u looked fine as u were
which is lowkey super sweet??
and he keeps acting apathetic and cool even tho u can hear him stuttering over his “i’ll see u later”
so. he might act a bit like a tsundere or w/e but hes still v soft for u and doesnt plan on letting u forget that anytime soon
#requested#jihoon#wanna one#wanna one imagine#wanna one imagines#wanna one scenarios#wanna one scenario#park jihoon#park jihoon imagines#jihoon imagines#park jihoon scenarios#jihoon scenarios#tsundere#fluff#light angst#its honestly p soft dw
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when i do multi-chaptered fics i write the entire thing and then post each chapter on a schedule cuz otherwise i write very slow and then have a burst of energy where i write fast and im completely inconsistent. maybe thatd work so you dont have to worry about having an incomplete fanfic or writing fast enough to update?
i contemplated tht a little bit yeah. it sounds rly nice tbh? i wont hafta worry abt havin to like rush to finish smthn after every chapter n if i write it all at once itll just end up a lot smoother n more coherent i reckon than having to stop n think n go “oh well what happens next?” after each chapter .. tbh ill probably do that i did it once before at the tail end of a fic (from what i remember at least) n i think it worked p well
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
#personal#animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess#nya#its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this
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man, this was sent like, nearly 2 weeks ago or w/e, and i completely ignored it bc i didnt have the energy/ability to care (you literally sent these when it was between 1 - 2am my time) but, it was recently brought to my attn that you put both me + lal in your byf (because i.... banned you from a server i guess, and that means lals at fault too?) so.
i guess it’s high time i answer this lmao. maybe you wont even see this. maybe youll vague abt me for the next few weeks and try and make me out to be a bad person, but i dont care lol. anyways this is under a cut bc its pointless drama i guess. ask 2 tag
additionally: this isnt rly meant to act as a callout post. but since u asked on anon (and im pretty sure we’re mutually blocked) i cant really talk about this privately. this is mostly just.. well. answering your question. ive written this little paragraph after i’ve written everything below, so like, idk dude, it happens sometimes, i get rly heated abt shit and then cool down after a while. so this is wild.
edit: i havent read this thru nor do i care about reading it through. are there a bunch of typos? probably. dont care though
i dont rly have the energy to pull up Everything esp because that lke.... requires going thru so many discord messages adn i really just. dont care enough to sift through everything
“but if u dont care why are you writing this” shut up u wanted answers didnt u lol
nyways heres just . some shit lmao
man firstly let’s deal w your post abt my server
+ dont worry! ive got it archived in case u delete it bc who knows what ud do lol. nyways
lets just do some breakin apart on this:
i was lterally shaking at the time and having my OWN panic issues but i guess you dont rly take that into consideration lol?
this is one of the biggest exaggerations like ... you made it sound like the server was some big special place jdfghdkj theres literally 4 mods and 2 of them didnt even talk to you. the other 2 were me and lal
like half of the server isnt even fucken active on the server and the majority of the other half dont even care about unfollowing/blocking u. what a wild assumption. thts the funniest shit 2 me
please you literally sent me 3 asks when it was way too early in the morning 4 me expecting me to reply as if it was possible for me to give u all the reasons in like 10 minutes jesus christ
ths is one of the ugliest posts ive ever seen + this was posted before you were banned frm the server. several ppl in the server have bpd + i was absolutely not willing to have smeone who says this sht abt their illnesses around (re: the whole “not actively in therapy” and shit. fuck off lol)
here’s some other stuff on my list that you might remember:
(kin stuff) being fully aware that my brother wasn’t - and still isn’t - okay with doubles with a specific character, and that you were specifically warned whilst he was offline, and you knew this was the case, yet decided that your best way of explaining something was..... fuck dude, whats the wording you used? “i’d say but some people here aren’t ok with doubles” or some shit which is! literally just as bad! and tht shit has fucked my bro up so severely tht he still fuckn..... thinks abt + the shit uve said In General (shrugging emoji)
heres a fucken wild ride for u: ur the reason he left th server anyways and why the second i banned u i was immediately happy because holy shit i can talk to my bro again bc i could invite him back! to a chat where he doesnt have to deal w someone who causes him constant panic attacks! wowee
lets not forget me expressing my extreme distaste of lying [person] + r.idged.og + ridg.epho.s but u completely ignoring that shit (+ wowie remember when u said lying was yr friend and that you didnt like me venting negatively abt them bc my nasty experiences r somehow less important than ?? tht shit??? lol anyways)
god the entire fucking drama w the lying shit . i cant believe i was on yr side for a while jdfghkj. that whole fiasco was so shitty. nyways thts nothing to do w me its just something that made so many ppl uncomfy
remember when you left the lying chat and then vented to us about shit but then rejoined the lying chat unbeknownst to us + caused shit again (surprise, i know about that)
you, generally, made several people uncomfortable (myself included), and as the owner of the server, i’d much rather kick one person from the server than have several people being uncomfortable. but if that’s an unreasonable thing to do then please, inform me, because that’s news to me.
whilst i dont support alex or alex’s partner in any way, shape or form (before u try and call me a fucken apologist/supporter/whatever lol), the blatant deliberate misgendering of alex’s partner on your byf was extremely shitty of you (which has since been fixed, but yikes).
(kin stuff) pretending to not be a double around lal, knowing he’s not comfortable with doubles (which, maybe you’re not! but given you’re kin w mc.ree + got that in your byf, and don’t have anything abt not follwing if ur x.phos in ur byf...... boyo)
god theres more but im not willing to dig up all the shit + also dont want to ask other ppl about their personal problems bc thats exposing them to a past/experience they probably want to forget about/never revisit
if u found this? congratulations. you got your answers.
if ur gonna vague abt me? go ahead. i dont really see what ive done wrong lmao.
also, re: why i didn’t tell you anything at all,
i was having a panic attack and almost throwing up
i kept trying to find reasons to keep you in the server, because i didn’t want problems to arise
i will literally never talk to ppl abt this kinda shit privately bc i dont want people to feel bad but 2 late
#jack dont look#bluespace#drama i guess but idk#ive been meaning to get this off my chest for a while but ehhh#i didnt talk abt the thing that pushed me to do stuff but its like ... not rly worth mentioning i guess#ths is sometthing ppl can skip over idc i just wanted to finally answer this
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100 q tag
no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun
tag by @dubblebubble
1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch
2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE
3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol
4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar
5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho
6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no
7: do you name your plants?
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays
11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol
12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child
13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics
14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$
16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud
20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol
22: are you a morning person? n o
23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no
25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol
26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars
27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?
28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question
29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol
33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.
36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;
38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously
39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself
41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that
45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)
50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way
54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him
55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm
56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs
58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh
59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn
61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem
64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am
65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?
68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally
69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?
70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol
71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol
73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.
75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah
77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao
79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas
81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.
82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try
83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one
85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL
86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself
89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.
91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese
93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine
95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw
98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself
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in any form i have been in, i never knew why i was there in the first place, for the most part. i have a natural sense that after this bodys existence, my soul will carry on, for a variety of personal and spiritual reasons.
humanity always wants a reason to keep living and i suppose i may never entirely find mine, but ive come to realize that as cliché as it sounds, the gods wont throw anything at me i cant handle.
ive abused my body enough i didnt want to register it as mine, but it very much is. lose me w disassociation culture; being focused in the moment as this being and what the world sees me as and how they experience me, is important-- and i suppose that's why i accepted some time ago im goin to b short n funny shaped n awkward n in pain all the time, no matter what. i dont think im here to make any ~big changes (done that enough tbh) n while maybe i wasnt put here to write fanfiction n struggle w addiction all my life from Unwarranted Circumstances, but all i want is to make an impact n be remembered, to b liked n favored. in the past i didnt have the chances to explore such endeavors as something catastrophic happens around me; but here i can look @ cars w my brother n cliffdive w an entire family in the desert n my personality n creativity influences ppl in the ways of fanfiction. i finally let go of my crutch that was tumblr rp til/if i can deal with it again, like a fair majority of the comm has done n its one of the best things ive done for myself. its competitive, ugly n daying & logging makes me anxious or depressed, so why bother. ive had years of fun and there still carries lots of stories n development in those blogs, but once i adjusted to quieter spaces, i DID feel better. ao3 is impersonal but i can display my projects like artwork; discord is personal n i can track me n my friends personal projects without fearing judgement or feeling inferior (tho i still struggle sometimes). ive grown to be proud of these thousands of words abt fictional characters n weird twisted plot lines cuz damn if i dont do it well! ill keep the niche n practice art n languages meanwhile.
ive contacted anubis again and its always nice to feel protected, and i realize a lot of weaker folk wouldnt have lived thru what i did, n maybe id been looked after in a way that should make me feel more confident than i do. i have to remember im forgiven n loved even in my worst moments or theyre not so worthwhile, anyway.
friends will come n go but im here to stay, i guess. my life has been a constant winding path of trying to cope, failing, shifting positions n trying again. rinse repeating isnt so bad when every relapse is jus another reminder ive gotten better before, again and again.
this body isnt so fun n ive felt pretty crooked, but so is the experience of shifting chemicals in my brain nigh constantly. ronnies not having seizures anymore but shes still talking a mile a minute, mom says; fine! let her. shes living the best life she possibly can after ive seen things that should have killed her plenty of times!
n it reminds me tht this body is small n awkward n ive made mistakes to damage it permanently, but mental wounds never stop healing i spose. i am here n i will keep in touch with the physical family that still loves this creature, even if theyve done shit stuff; they won't be around forever, either
to b ok with my situation has been hard this entire last year since i met drake in june and began the cycle. i dont remember him asking over n over for to buy, but i remember sliding my savings over a bit at a time. sly, tricky, but fool me twice etc.
ill always b naive n forgetful n clumsy n a bit slow but thts ok. theres worse n after seeing how much friends have cared for me recently, i realize i have nothing to complain about.
whether im doing drugs or drinking or not i suppose i am very much alive, even if i like the fun boxes too much; i need so much stimulation for one entity its insane, n if i could explain why i need to see 5 diff ppl in a week in order to finally wind down to write w online friends enable to finally sleep, I Sure Would! gods nerfed me or id b too powerful etc. etc
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wtf i miss this really cosy feeling? Its like a cosy wintery feeling :((( i feel shit. im not /bad/ im just not at all satisfied. I dont think anyone will ever like me as much as i like them. Im hving trouble connecting with anyone recently. Everyone feels so distant :( i kinda hv a crush now but ik its jst bc of attention. Ive made new friends but they all fit in well, even tho they r nerdy nd a bit weird. Am i below these people? How come they all hv relationships nd stuff? Am i really inferior to them?but it dsnt work like tht, does it. U cnt just put ppl on a rating scale of how cool they r or whatever. Everyone has different opinions. I probably feel so different bc i try nd seperate myself so much. I feel like i am truly alone in this world. I want tht cosy feeling. I want to be really happy. I hate my life right now. my family is shit. Im tired of my dad making everything about him. Im tired of having no personal space nd living in a tiny cramped house with two parents who hate each other. :( i need to get out more but i cant bc of stomach anxiety. So fucking tired of this life :( feels doomed. feels empty nd i miss being happy. i miss feeling close to people nd special to them. Why dont my friends want to be close with me? Why dont they want to see me? Im just a burden. I want to be needed. I want to be invited over to peoples houses nd i want ppl to post on their instagram how much they love me and how pretty i am. Im tired of being the clingy and desperate one.im so affectionate bc i want it in return. It hurts so much. I want someone to obsess over me. Why does everyone else complAin about people trying to flirt with them nd stuff. No one does that for me. Why? Am i that undesirable? Im starting to think i have a fundamental flaw as a human and just shouldnt b here at all. All i do is waste time on my computer. None of my hobbies r much fun. I cant concentrate. All i do is waste time. I wanna disappear today. I feel fake. I feel empty i feel shit :( i wish i was gone i feel bad. I dont hv the cosy winter feelinh. I just feel empty and cold. I want someone to hug me nd spend quality time with me. I wish i could make myself happy. I think im a slut. Theres so much id be but i dont hv the access to it. Id b a druggy nd an alcoholic nd a slut but i cnt do tht. If boys wanted to id let them i dont care. I want ppl to use my body. Plz just think im pretty and sexy. Thtd be good. Id love to show off about it. I got jealous bc people were talking about being catcalled. I dress like a slut nd i hardly get attention like tht. Really whats wrong with me? Maybe people cn read my thoughts. Maybe thts why. Im ugly on the inside. You cant fix that with makeup. i am so miserable all the time. Writing this down really makes me want to kill myself. i have lots of reasons really. Its 6.40 am nd rn i could just do it just do it. I wont. I hope my life will change. Oh fuck im just waiting again. i want somethibg big to happen. maybe one night ill die in my sleep. id love to die. i dnt want to kill myself. Id love to just die without knowing about it. just wake up dead. then itd all be done nd i wouldnt even kno. i hope ppl would remember me favourably.
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“ill see you in a few days ....*strawberry fields plays in the background* and remember, nothing is real so dont let anything get you down.”
we did not speak openly about his trip because i think we are both still traumatized from the last one. instead of rehashing the anxieties, i think we silently agreed to just prepare for it and act the best way possible to make this as easy as possible. so we did not focus on his leaving. he didnt make it seem like he wasnt comng back. he didnt make me feel any way about our relationship and tht we _have_ a relationship. he didnt make me feel any way about the fact im poor and hes been supporting me this month so i obviously will need some assistance when hes gone and he helped me in whatever i asked for. if i asked for more, i think he wouldve given it to me but i still need to like “feel” my “independence”. i dont think i should be wholly supported because thats too dangerous. ive been there and as “easy” as it is - this is where you end up. and i want to know this so deep in my soul that i never do it again. so even though it “sucks”, it’s right to have a little suffering. it’s a very like.. monk-esque experience, maybe i’m “choosing” to suffer a little more than i would need to because it’s true - what if i didnt have benefits, wht if i had no friends? what if the world just goes to complete shit world war 3? what then?
so kudos to me for surviving and like.. supporting my depression and my self. i do suck but i am alive. i literally would not believe like.. 5 yrs ago that i would be alive in this scenario but i am.
the only reference to the struggle of him leaving was this comment - nothing is real, so dont let it get you down. and like.. maybe for the next few days it’s okay to just breathe and let it go - whatever it is, to get through. he’s coming back, things will return to normal and we’ll power through the coming months. i deal with bad drug trips the same way - nothing is real so dont take it seriously. maybe thats something to learn from myself. i already have that skill and thats literal chemicals in my body. i dont sit an cry to other people, freak out - i just like tantrically tell myself that it’s just the drugs. it’s not real. i hope i’mokay this weekend. i really do. but if im not i hope i get the chance to try this method - nothing is real in anxiety. and it’s okay because eventually at some point it will pass. it does not last forever. its not like default setting of the brain.
i almost cried but then i did not cry. and thats pretty good for me. like even though it sounds like im 7, emotionally i am very 7. and i have to raise my inner emotional child into the physical adult that i am so today i am not going to judge the fact that my inner self is 7 but instead pat it on the back for not cryng and putting on the big girl pants.
tonight im going out to sell jewelry at a show which is very proactive in many ways and i’m proud of myself for this as well. and for the past two days where i “prepared” by building new / different connections and focusing on different projects. tomorrow i am going to take a day trip downtown - possibly by bike but if i can earn money tonight, i might bus some of it but i’m going to see another friend and hang out; just hang out. not business, not art, just nice relaxing soul soothing hanging out. on sunday i want to go for a beginning of fall bike ride - i realized it was becoming fall out of nowhere.
that leaves just monday and tuesday, which is not bad. i have anxiety about running out of weed. i really really dont like to be sober. i even risked grabbing more weed when i probably shouldnt have. im hoping something random and spontaneous comes up on monday or tuesday to fill the day but maybe by sunday ill be mentally open to working on my personal projects.
i have lingering on going anxiety about being accepted for disabilty. what if the doctor is wrong? people get denied all the time. the accepted knowledge is having to apply many times - what if thats me? i keep trying not to “hope” for the changes itll bring. like i want to look ahead and dream of a future like the doctor sells me but if i dont get it then what happens? everyhthing remains the same and i have to just pick up my shit and keep going, like every other failure. i dont know if i can do it. i still let the thoughts creep in - i can move. i can replace my dingy old dishes and cookware. i can buy a new couch, have a kitchen table.buy groceries - good groceries, with good storage for left overs and spices. i can invite people to my place. my cats can feel comfortable and i wont have to worry about them. i wont live like im in a dorm room. i can travel. i can make and print things with my art. and thats just the immediate effect. imagine this stability everyday. ive almost never had that in 12 -13 years. and by myself! freedom! choice!
it’s like dory. but instead of swimming it’ smoking. just keep smoking. just keep smoking. get to the next day. one of these days will be _the_ day. i just really hope hes right. i really hope this isnt all set up to get shit on again. i want better medication. i want more access and health coverage. maybe i’m a whiny first world bitch - if i was in the third world ‘d be dead already. maybe i dont deserve it. but i live here. and this is my option for survival because suicide in the first world is seen as trivial. “couldve been worse”
i cleaned this morning. atleast a little bit - got rid of the very old dishes and cleaned the litter and garbages. tidied my own room. theres still things that need to be done, but i guess i’m “saving it” for later so i can continue to feel like i have things i could do. trthfully i want to go back to sleep - smoke weed, watch catfish (it’s become our thing and i love it, watching on my own brings a comfort) then shower and prepare for the show in he afternoon. i want to straighten my hair - he spent forty minutes brushng it because i let it get really bad to the point i couldnt just condition it out and it was overwhelming and depressing but its back to normal and i have to wonder if he mentioned that my hair was nice a few times to try and help promote the idea of caring for it because it could easilly go to shit in 5 days. if i straighten it, i’ll get a good 3 - 4 days out of it even if i dont shower. it still feels like a huge task and i feel like the length is gradually becoming a burden but i want it so bad even if it looks like shit sometimes due to my own neglect.
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