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ifyougoillfollow · 11 months

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as we sink into the open sea

M/F, Gen | QPR MicNight | 1720 words | Selkie AU CW: Depiction of Suicide Attempt (non-graphic)

On the eve of his nineteenth birthday, Yamada Hizashi walks into the ocean and comes back with a wife.

Please understand, that wasn't his intention. Yamada Hizashi is not the kind of man to believe in tales of sirens and sea wives, and he is especially not the kind of man with dreams of snaring one for himself. He is, in point of fact, not a man of any dreams at all. Not anymore.

So he walks into the ocean, figuring that if he can't find the will to keep dreaming, then he can at least find some peace at last. He finds a wife, instead.

Or rather, she finds him.

She finds him as his body hits the sea floor, at the very moment the first wave of doubt rolls over him in one fell, unrelenting swoop, much too late for him to do anything about it. He's so overcome with it he doesn't think much of the figure that glides out of the ocean murk and sidles right up to him. Wide, shark-bright eyes peer at him, so close they fill up his entire swimming, pin-pricking vision, and all Hizashi can think about is how soon he's going to die, and how he’s not so sure he wants to die after all, and how little what he wants matters in this final moment, as in all the rest before it, and then the figure places one cold hand on his colder cheek and kisses him. She's all Hizashi can think of, then.

She's dark-haired and beautiful. And strong. And a good swimmer, too, but that's to be expected. She drags him back to shore, lips locked tight over his the whole way, and she doesn't let go until his lungs are clear of ocean brine.

Hizashi lies there, alive and silent on the cold, wet sand for a good while after. Long enough for the first hint of morning blue to blush over the horizon. The sea maiden lies with him, just as alive, just as silent, and infinitely more at ease. Cozied right up to his side, as if she belongs there, seemingly content to remain there for however long Hizashi has left on this Earth now that she's saved him. Try as he might, he can't figure out whether he's grateful or not. He does, however, remember his manners, on occasion, so when he finally finds his voice again, he uses it to thank her.

"You're welcome," the sea maiden replies. There's laughter in her voice. Hizashi doesn't know what there is to laugh about, though he finds himself wishing she'd actually done so, just so he could hear it. He used to love laughter. Impossibly, he still does.

Yamada Hizashi had a knack for making people laugh, once. It was all he knew how to do, really. He doesn't know much of anything now, least of all how to make the sea maiden in his arms laugh, so he says nothing.

The sea maiden in his arms says nothing either, at first, for just long enough Hizashi startles when she does speak: "Is that it?"

"Pardon?"

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"... Is there more I should be saying?"

"There must be." There it is again – the laugh in her voice. "You don't strike me as the quiet type in the least."

That's what it is – she's teasing him. It's much too familiar to do anything but rankle. "Listen, Miss –”

She snorts. "Nemuri."

"Listen –” his face burns as he realizes that's her given name, and he refuses to say it "– listen, I'm grateful to you for saving me and all, but you don't know anything about me."

She peels away from his side. "Liar."

"Pardon?"

"You're not grateful at all," she grunts through an impressive stretch, current-strong arms flung upward and out towards the heavens. She's wearing a sealskin cape and nothing else, and is so unembarrassed by it Hizashi can't muster up any on her behalf. She winks at him. "But you will be," she adds. Then: "Take off your clothes."

"Pardon?"

This time she does laugh – seagull-like – loud and sharp and to the point. "Well, I don't know much about land folk, but it's my understanding you don't handle being wet all that well."

Hizashi wraps his arms around himself, scowling. "I'll be fine."

"Suit yourself."

The sea maiden stands – or at least tries to. She heaves herself upward in a motion that would probably be fluid underwater, then loses her balance, toppling backwards onto the sand, rump first. The sight of her glaring down at her legs is almost enough to pull a laugh out of Hizashi.

"Stupid things," she grumbles, kicking up sand.

Hizashi does laugh, then, which is a mistake. The sea maiden stands, suddenly sure-footed in her indignation, and uses her newfound mastery over her lower appendages to kick sand in his direction.

Hizashi cannot stop laughing. He laughs until his new companion loses interest in burying him under sand. He laughs until the sun finally frees itself from under the weight of the horizon. He laughs until he almost forgets he just tried to kill himself.

When he's all laughed out, the sea maiden is still there. Sitting across from him, hands and feet planted firmly in the sand, peering at him with a smile so dry it's a wonder she doesn't hail from land herself.

Without a word, she stands again, solid and steady, all remaining traces of sea legs gone, and hauls Hizashi to his own significantly less steady feet. While he's still reeling from... all of it – the strength of her hands around his, the seafoam-salt smell of her filling his impossibly pumping lungs, the laughter still clanging through every hollow part of him – the sea maiden takes her sealskin cape and drapes it over Hizashi's shoulders.

It's soft and musky and so warm it feels more alive than he does, but, most of all, it's heavy.

Hizashi tries to shrug it off. "Thanks," he says stiffly, "but I said I'm fine."

"I heard you," says the sea maiden, rearranging the cape around him.

"I don't need it."

"I know."

She fastens the cape closed around his neck, patting his chest firmly. It's so long it covers Hizashi all the way down to his shins. On her, it must have just brushed over the sand at her feet. The uncanny warmth of it doesn't seep even as the seafront breeze hits it, makes it flap and flutter around him in a heavy, even bump-bump, bump-bump beat. Nothing could ever hope to reach him past that beat and that warmth.

"I don't want it, either," he lies, because he has to, because he's never known what to do in the face of so much want, because he's always wanted too many things, and he's wanted them too much.

"Neither do I," says the sea maiden, breezy as the morning. "Maybe we should leave it here, lying around. I'm sure no one else would find it, if we hid it well enough."

Hizashi blanches at the thought. He may not be the kind of man to believe in tales of sea wives, but he has heard enough of them to be wary of the kind of man who does. He fumbles for the clasp at the base of his throat. "Just take it back. Go home."

"Hm, I don't think so." She sidesteps his attempts to foist the cape back onto her, walking away backwards, hands clasped behind her head. "I think I'll stick around here for awhile. Explore the land realm. It seems exciting."

Hizashi chases after her, cape held out like a net. "It isn't."

She twirls away again. "Liar."

"It's too exciting, then. Dangerous."

"So is the ocean – didn't stop you from walking into it."

"That was –" Hizashi falters, loses his footing "– different," he finishes lamely, hands fisted in the sand-soiled cape caught under his knees.

The sea maiden stands over him. "You're right," she says, "that was different – I'm not going into this trying to die. I'd say that alone makes my odds of survival look pretty swell, don't you think?"

Hizashi stares up at her, looming tall against the dawn sky, so tall she dwarves the rising sun itself, and has no doubt she'd survive even the drying of all seven seas if it meant she got to live.

"You're naked," he says, because he's running out of arguments, and the will to keep making them.

"I wouldn't be if you gave me your clothes,” she shoots back, “I gave you mine, didn't I? It would only be fair."

The cape is velvet-smooth as Hizashi slides it out from under himself, warmer still from the heat of his body and the sun-washed sand, which slides off of it like ocean spray from mossy seaside cliffs. His sea maiden – Nemuri – takes it from him and helps him back to his feet. She folds it over her arm, as if merely holding on to it for the moment, and arches an expectant eyebrow at him.

Sighing, Hizashi shrugs off his coat. "Yes,” he relents, “I suppose it would only be fair."

On the dawn of his nineteenth birthday, Yamada Hizashi walks into town with nothing but a sealskin cape on his back and a wife.

Or so the townsfolk like to tell it, because the townsfolk love a good fairy tale romance almost as much as they love to pity him. In time, they will come to pity him even this moment and his sea-wild wife, as outrageous as she is beautiful, as the very ocean itself, and Yamada Hizashi will do what he has always done in the face of undue pity, which is to laugh in it and continue loving whoever and whatever he loves, in whichever way he sees fit.

But that will come later. For now, in the rosy light of a dawn he never planned to see, Hizashi walks into town beside Nemuri, the sea maiden who saved his life – the woman who will be called his wife and be so much more – and is content enough to have finally figured out he’s grateful, even if he has yet to figure out much else. The rest will follow, he’s sure, in good time and – even better – good company.

#yamada hizashi #present mic #kayama nemuri #midnight #micnight #qpr micnight #i wrote a thing #mermay #cw: suicide #it feels weird adding such a heavy content warning given that this is not a heavy story overall but better safe than sorry #anyway surprise mermay fic everyone!#it's me i'm everyone #this fic blindsided me ngl but i quickly grew obsessed with it and needless to say i got Lore #lore that i refused to even hint at in the fic because i Do Not need any more long form wips and i do love me a good one-shot #but who knows maybe one day i'll revisit this au i do so love it #also decided to post the whole fic here instead of just doing my usual ao3 link thingy because i recently locked my fics to registered user #-only because of the whole ai fuckery going around lately which y'know sucks #but this way anyone who wants to read it but doesn't have an ao3 account can do so through here so hopefully that helps #anyway #enjoy loves <3

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hillerskaroyals · 2 years

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i just realized for as much as we see wille and simon’s relationship we never really see it. we see the big milestones like their first kiss, their first time, the fight about pills, etc but we really don’t see them interact outside of that? after their initial meeting when wille introduces himself and the lake scene we mostly see the hidden more intimate parts of their relationship.

we never see them interact during school or during class. granted not much of the show actually takes place during classes but we still see sara and felice have casual conversations, we see vincent and nils playing chess, we even see frederika and stella gossiping with felice when she’s dating august. yet we never see simon and wille chatting between classes. even when they hang out at rosh’s football game they don’t really talk they just cheer for rosh and then wille gets dropped back at hillerska.

a lot of this could be contributed to the “on again off again”/“will they won't they” nature of their relationship since they often aren’t talking because wille has called things off but even before that we don't see them interact much. we don’t see what lead to them sitting together at workies or even how wille got simon’s number (which i have to assume he got from someone else because he introduces himself in his first text).

it’s just interesting to think about how we simultaneously know so much and so little about them as a “couple” (couple used loosely here since their relationship status is never confirmed)

#im tipsy and half asleep so im sure there are interactions and stuff i forgot about but ithink my point still stands #we will revisit this when more of my brain is functioning and see if i stand by that statement lol #ik there's only so much they can show us in 6 episodes but its interesting that they interact enough to become friends and then more and we #just dont see it #even august acknowledges they were buddies but we really dont see any proof of that beforehand???#like /we/ know they're close bc we see what happens behind closed doors but wtf has august been seeing to think that #anyways these are my thoughts #and maybe one day i'll learn to not ramble and write an essay for every post #anyways #young royals analysis #young royals #wilmon #simon x wilhelm #mine #my yr thoughts

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infriga · 5 months

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I watched a video talking about Returnal and the story, and it got me theorizing again about the story and what it meant because watching someone else summarize the elements and posit their own theory of what happened got my mind churning and cleared a few things up that I was previously unsure about regarding certain aspects of the plot

I could write a lot about how I think the death loop in part represents the cycle of generational trauma and neglect, but this is already going to be long and that part is a bit more obvious in the game anyway so I'll spare you that stuff (for now at least lol).

Anyway, to the meat of it: I like to think that in the secret ending the one who escapes the car and rises to the surface is supposed to be Helios, escaping the cycle of trauma, abandonment, and neglect, because Selene is finally able to confront her own issues and memories and come to terms with being a mother for Helios's sake. It looks like Selene is the one swimming to the surface based on the jacket sleeves, but she says Helios's name as she surfaces, and throughout the story it's implied that the roles of mother and child are interchangeable in the flashbacks and house sequences since it's a cycle that Selene is repeating from her past. Selene is both the mother and the child in this story, and thus symbolically she is also both Theia and Helios. In saving and freeing Helios from the cycle she in turn saves and frees herself. There's even a xenoglyph, the second to last in the game, that says "Helios lies shattered and I must put him back together."

In the secret ending we see that Selene is the one in the astronaut suit which causes the accident. There are 3 test xenoglyphs in the game, the first, tenth, and thousandth tests, which refer to Selene's story alone from the beginning at any translation stage rather than the Sentients, and are much more abstract and fragmented even when fully translated with each segment being accompanied by a question mark. I think the name of these xenoglyphs is referring to how the crash is in a sense a "test" for Selene as a mother.

The final test xenoglyph says "stand turn and flinch? The triggering event?" presumably referring to how Selene as the astronaut triggers the accident, but I think it also refers to how the original accident with her mother when she was a child was in her eyes the triggering event that resulted in her relationship with her mother worsening. The first test xenoglyph also refers to returning to the house (which I think represents her memories) as a "final visitation", while the second glyph refers to witnessing the memory as a "final unbrooked retribution" and the astronaut as a "warning to end the return". They also mention a death without purity behind a broken sun (Helios is likely the "broken sun"), as well as the astronaut dying for the first time, and claims that remembrance of an accident is seeking absolution from the white shadow. So remembrance is both retribution and absolution, as well as a final visitation, and the astronaut dies for the first time behind a broken sun. The astronaut is also a warning to end the return.

My theory: there were two accidents. One where Theia is driving and crashes with Selene but both survive with Theia being permanently disabled while Selene is uninjured, and one where Selene crashes while driving with Helios. It's possible that Selene caused both crashes, the first time by distracting her mother unintentionally, the second time by not paying enough attention to the road and then swerving to avoid a sudden obstacle causing her to drive off the bridge into the river. During the second accident Selene considers abandoning Helios to save herself and escape motherhood which she feels trapped by. In that moment Selene is forced to confront her memories of the original accident which lead to the toxic relationship with her mother which see sees as abandonment as a result of her mother's resentment towards her for living the life Theia wanted by becoming an astronaut. Theia may even have expressed the wish that Selene had died in the crash, or never been born at all, at some point. These memories are painful to address and always have been, but they put into perspective her own treatment and feelings towards Helios and how she's doing to her own child what was once done to her. It serves as a warning of what will happen if she holds on to her own resentment and repeats that toxic cycle of neglect and abandonment, and in confronting that part of herself and her own past she seeks absolution for the ways she's already neglected Helios due to her own hangups and regrets.

The result is Selene undergoing an ego death and subsequent rebirth, letting go of her resentment towards her own mother, her child, and herself, allowing her to save Helios, and thus herself, so they can both escape the sunken car and reach the surface. This ends the "return", ends the loop, ends the cycle, and prevents the destruction of Helios.

The start of the game and each loop where you abandon the ship represents both Theia's abandonment and neglect of Selene following the first crash as well as Selene's neglect and intent to abandon Helios and save herself after the second crash, which culminates in the end of act 1 where she believes she escapes the planet and views the loss of Helios as the price for escape from the trappings of motherhood she feels bound by, which are largely coloured by her feelings towards her own mother. But in the end her thoughts would always return to that moment, she would never forget abandoning Helios and would forever be tormented by those memories alongside her memories of Theia as retribution for what she did, for continuing the cycle of neglect. She will always return to the crash no matter how much time passes. Even if sometimes for a while she's able to leave it behind and convince herself that she's free and happy, in the end she will never escape that moment and will always remember it in an endless loop of madness and suffering, and Helios would continue to lay broken, abandoned and decaying. So she returns to the crash site, both physically and mentally. She falls further into the void of the Abyss, dives deeper into the water, returning to the sunken car at the bottom of the river and seeks absolution through ego death by defeating the creator/destroyer, which represents herself as a reflection of her own mother, and removes the final barrier preventing her from going back for her child. She's no longer abandoning Helios but instead fighting to save Helios. Selene's history and relationship with her mother, represented by the astronaut, is the warning sign for what she's been doing, and what could happen to Helios if she continued, hence why it grants a second chance at life and thus a second chance at preventing the return: it's a wakeup call. And like how the first crash is the triggering event for the deterioration of her relationship with her mother, the second crash is the triggering event for Selene to wake up and change her ways in order to prevent a repeat of the past and end the cycle. Only then does she finally stop abandoning Helios.

#Returnal #Long post #Theorizing #video game thoughts #I have even more about how the aliens story ties into this but organizing my thoughts in this part already took up too much of my day #Thanks adhd lol #So I'll leave it out for now #Might revisit the other parts later #Maybe I'll replay Returnal after finishing my replay of Control 😂#Probably no one cares about this stuff but this post is for me okay

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warraigoe · 5 months

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" and if there's something i don't know, i'll save us both before we grow cold if you stay and just say, ' look my way. ' "

ONLY @/CYNICALLYSCORNED CAN REBLOG !

#cynicallyscorned #tbt.#the song is them coded !!!#especially in t/bc verse !!!#maybe one day i'll revisit this lil piece....

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p0stscrpt · 4 months

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i love just deleting wips of things i dont wanna work on 👍 if it sucks hit da bricks 🏃🏽

#i wanna draw akiangel instead #denji will happen eventually. ive done most of the alluka request just rendering a bit at a time #and egbert has been scrapped 👍 maybe one day i'll revisit old hs art but i dont feel like it atm

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jamesrodayrodriguezpresents · 4 months

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youtube

Kind of forgot this movie exists ngl. The good news is the scenes with James are unrelated to anything else happening in it, so you can fast forward through it. 😉 Probably available on Amazon? Enjoy!

#Christmas Eve #james roday rodriguez #julianna guill #sir patrick stewart #remembered it after randomly coming across my dvd while looking for a different movie #one day I'll revisit it #probably #and maybe even rewatch his scene in beerfest whose dvd i also own for some reason

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kesoyotes · 2 years

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Donatello you will always be special to me 🔧

#it's been 84 years since I've even thought of TMNT #it was the first fandom i got into when the 2012 show first premiered but i eventually fell out of it around the middle of season 4 #since then i haven't thought of it much but i love the art style of the 2018 show #maybe I'll watch that one day and revisit the 2012 show while I'm at it. we'll see #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #ROTTMNT #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt fanart #mari's art tag

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eskawrites · 1 year

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Flayed!Robin & Feral Nancy...there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about them.

Anyways, I'm rewatching ST S2 and at the point where Will starts to forget everyone.

Was that an idea you considered for Robin in your Flayed!Robin fic? And were there some other ideas you liked but didn't quite make the final cut? And if so, what were they?

i love this question anon, you're my new favorite

it is an idea i considered! but i scrapped it early on for a couple different reasons. i kind of made flayed robin more of a mix between the actual flayed and vecna's victims in s4. there are actual narrative reasons for it--vecna was stronger/more prominent than he was in s2, robin is older and her brain is slightly more developed than will's would've been, etc. and so on--but mostly i changed things to make it easier to write from nancy's pov. also, while a scene where robin doesn't recognize nancy would've been juicy, it didn't fit with all the other ways vecna used robin to hurt her

as for other stuff, there actually is a fair amount that i changed or cut! the original outline had a scene where El looked for vecna but ended up seeing robin instead. i ended up scrapping it because at that point it felt too obvious, and think both nancy and el would've figured out robin was flayed (or at least in danger) because of that. there's still a version of that scene chilling somewhere in my notes doc though

also, the epilogue was going to be so much longer. i even sketched out ideas for how they eventually defeat vecna. but it all started to feel like a tangent, and i really wanted the focus to be on nancy and robin (i even cut some steve scenes to keep the spotlight on them lol), so i changed the epilogue to really zero in on that first day after they get robin back and the dynamic between her and nancy throughout it

#writing things #asks #anon #flayed!robin #this fic was also more of a sprint than any other multi-part works i have #most of my ideas sit in notes docs for at least a few weeks before i start writing them seriously #but this one went from initial idea to completely written in two months flat #kinda wild #tbh there's quite a bit of content that never got used...including some robin pov. maybe one day i'll revisit who knows

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