#maybe because all the characters i could play are way outta my comfort zone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hailing-stars · 3 years

Text

@febuwhump day 9: buried alive

BURIED ALIVE

“So, while we’re just hanging out in the bathroom,” says Tony. Peter’s head hangs over the toilet, and he shuts his eyes tight, willing Tony to stop talking. “I thought we could chat.”

“Maybe that can wait,” says Peter, dryly, and miserably. “Until, I dunno, I’m done puking my guts out.”

“It’s waited long enough. Besides, you never call me back, and you won’t talk to your aunt.”

Peter's guilt over a recent run in with Mysterio literally makes him sick.

BURIED ALIVE flashes in neon letters across the screen, the techno theme music plays, and Peter’s eyes glaze over. He’s officially entered The Zone, and there’s no pulling him out of it until his character dies or he achieves the highest honor, a score enormous enough to knock MQB off the hall of fame.

His hand clutches the joystick, and his fingers glide across the buttons, and he can feel Ned staring at him, but it doesn’t distract him from the current mission.

It doesn’t help him, either.

This game ends exactly the same way every game before it had, on level five, when he’s only points away from taking first place away from MQB.

He sighs, and reaches a hand in his pocket, searching for more tokens but finding it empty.

“Shit,” says Peter. “I’m out of tokens.”

“Again?” asks Ned. “How many times have you played this? Exactly?”

“I dunno, not that much.”

Ned doesn’t look like he believes him. He looks worried, and Peter tries to shove the annoyance he feels deep, deep down.

He wishes people would stop looking at him that way. Like he’s just one fall away from breaking and shattering in a way that’d leave his pieces uneven and unfit to be put back together the correct way, the uniquely Peter-way.

“Maybe we should do something else,” says Ned. “Go to a movie, or pick up that limited edition Star Wars set?”

It’s tempting, and Peter wants to go, wants to be anyplace but this arcade, going to war with himself over a some stupid high score on some arcade machine. An environment without all the flashing lights, screaming children, and annoying game music would be a nice change in pace, but he can’t.

He has to stay. Until he’s won. Until he wipes that name off the charts and replaces it with his own.

“I need more tokens,” says Peter, as a way of answer. He hopes the way his voice sounds like a zombie will go ignored.

He walks past Ned, and heads towards the token machine, dodging running, shouting kids on his way. He fumbles around with his wallet, until he finds the credit card Tony had given him for emergencies. Not for the first time, he swipes it at the token machine and receives a hundred new chances to defeat his enemy.

If that isn’t an emergency, Peter doesn’t know what’s supposed to make that list.

When he turns, he comes face to face with Ned.

“Dude,” he says. “Maybe you should take a break. Have you even eaten dinner yet?”

His stomach growls at the mention of food, and his eyes automatically drift towards the restaurant installed into the arcade. He supposes Ned has a point. He can afford to stop his gaming long enough to scarf down some pizza.

“Yeah, okay, good idea.”

Relief washes through Ned’s features, and Peter’s stabbed with guilt. It attacks him from all angles.

He’s guilty for worrying his friends, and his family, and guilty because he doesn’t know how to stop. He’s guilty of the wave of crime overtaking Queens now that Spider-Man has abandoned it, in favor of standing still at an arcade game.

Guilty for that thing he doesn’t allow himself to think about.

Most of all, he’s guilty, because instead of working towards wiping away the current charts on BURIED ALIVE, he’s sitting at a table eating pizza, wasting time.

Drops of sweat trickle down his forehead, and a shiver runs through his body.

And he tries ignoring it, the way his stomach is heavy, and cramping, and the way his body is just begging him to take a seat, close his eyes, or more pressing, run to the bathroom and shove his head in a toilet.

But he doesn’t, because he can’t. Because he’s just so damn close.

When game over flashes across the screen, he slams his fist down. He considers what might happen if he didn’t hold back his strength, if he just destroyed the machine right then and there.

“Peter?”

He stared at the screen., refusing to look away.

“You’re not looking so great, kid.” Tony’s hand comes up from behind him, and presses down on his sweaty forehead. “Yep, that’s a fever.”

“Mr. Stark,” says Peter. “What are you doing here?”

“Ned called me,” he tells him. “He was really worried, and so am I.”

Tony wipes the sweat off his hand and into the insides of his suit jacket.

It’s the first time in awhile Peter takes his eyes away from the screen, and the room blurs. All the flashing, neon lights merge together. All the kids, teens, parents combine into one collective shout that threatens to make his ears bleed. The arcade tilts, and the knot in his stomach is pulled tighter.

“I need to get outta here,” says Peter, a shake in his voice.

“Then come on,” says Tony.

He grabs him by the arm, and leads him through the jungle of prize hungry children, beeping game machines, and parents trying to ignore it all.

Fresh, cold air hits Peter’s face when they step outside the door, and he breaths it in, then he bends over and pukes in the on the sidewalk while strangers watch in disgust, while Tony rubs his back, and while the paparazzi snaps photos of Iron Man comforting some poor, sick kid.

“So, while we’re just hanging out in the bathroom,” says Tony. Peter’s head hangs over the toilet, and he shuts his eyes tight, willing Tony to stop talking. “I thought we could chat.”

“Maybe that can wait,” says Peter, dryly, and miserably. “Until, I dunno, I’m done puking my guts out.”

“It’s waited long enough. Besides, you never call me back, and you won’t talk to your aunt.”

It just figures. That there’s so avoiding it now. That there’s not even a proper distraction to keep him from the things he’s not trying to think about.

That day comes back to him and hits him with full force, as if were angry Peter had been suppressing it.

His memories are pulled backwards to Mysterio’s twisted game. That dull, grey day the fishbowl guy taunted him with a devastating choice, save May fall from a skyscraper, or save a stranger from suffocating six feet under the earth.

His failure flashes across his mind.

He’d thought he could save both, but he’d still made the decision to go after May first. Once she was safe on the ground, he had bolted to the burial site, only to dig up a man who was already dead.

He’s selfish, and he’s sad. All this bad will stirs his stomach enough to force his head back in the toilet to throw up some more.

Tony rubs his back until he’s finished with his gagging. He puts the toilet lid down, and flushes, and he leans against the toilet, weak and wanting the pain in his stomach to ease so he can sleep and not exist for awhile.

So he can continue avoiding the conversation Tony keeps trying to force him to have.

“It’s not your fault, you know,” says Tony. “That fucking psychopath created that situation to fuck with your head.”

“But I’m Spider-Man,” says Peter. “I should’ve been able to deal with it, without - someone dying.”

“Can’t save them all, kid. No matter how hard you try.”

It’s as if Tony’s words bounce off him. He hears them, but he doesn’t. They don’t sink in. He won’t allow them to, and it’s as if Tony hadn’t spoken at all.

“Suppose I deserve this,” says Peter. “Feeling this way.”

He isn’t sure if he means the stomach cramps, or the guilt, or both, but the alarm that flashes across Tony’s face only makes the stabbing pains worse.

“You only deserve good things, Pete,” he says. “I don’t know how to convince you to believe it.”

When he opens his eyes the next morning, his stomach is peaceful, but his memories are hazy. They exist, just vaguely.

And it’s better that way, really. Puking and crying on the bathroom floor while Tony held him and told him it would be okay weren’t exactly his finest hours. Peak teenage embarrassment that he hopes will go forgotten, or at least unmentioned, in future conversation.

He’s ready to crawl and hide under the covers when the guest room door creaks open, but he stays visible when he sees it’s just his Aunt May walking through the doorway, carrying crackers and a mini bottle of Sprite.

“I hear you had a rough night,” she tells him. She puts the sick people snacks on the nightstand. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better.”

May’s face folds into disbelief, and Peter releases a breath, realizing there’s no avoiding it anymore. Not after last night.

“I’m sorry, May.”

“About what?”

“About Mysterio.”

She sits on his bed, and takes his hand. “From what Tony’s told me, you’re tired of hearing it, but I’m going to stress again that that wasn’t your fault and you will not accept responsibility for what some demented man cooked up in his free time, okay?”

“But May -”

“If someone asked me to choose between my own life and somebody else’s,” she starts. “You know I would choose theirs. We’re Parkers, and that’s what we do, for better or for worse, but if someone forced me to choose between a stranger’s life and yours? Peter, that’s not even a choice, it’s an instinct.”

“But May I should’ve -”

She squeezes his hand, and cuts him off, a second time. “You have to let this go. You weren’t being selfish, and you did everything you could’ve done. It’s not your fault. You didn’t kill anybody.”

Her tone leaves no room for argument, so he doesn’t try. He lets her hug him, and even hugs her back. He even feels a little lighter now that he’s been ordered to move on.

Tony’s idea of helping is to throw money at it. He goes to the arcade and pays them a ridiculously large sum of money for the BURIED ALIVE game machine.

It’s sitting in the workshop when Peter arrives for their lab hours, along with giant hammers and other tools of destruction.

“I think they do this in therapy,” says Tony. “Something about getting it all out. Healthy destruction. All that.”

“They let you break things in therapy?” asks Peter, apprehensively taking the hammer from Tony.

He’s gotta admit, he’s warming up to the idea of letting Tony pay for a therapist, even if he knows he only said it for that very reason.

“Sure,” says Tony. “Why not?”

Peter stares at the game. The thing he’d been using to distract himself from his misery. The thing he’d become obsessed with as a way to relive the past, take some control. Of course, getting the highest score would’ve never brought back the man Mysterio killed, but obsessions weren’t exactly rational.

“I have a better idea,” says Peter.

They spent the next few hours taking the game apart, piece by piece, and then, and until late in the night, they use the parts to build a new, better game. Something that Ned has to come over and help them program. Something with a less morbid topic.

And Peter starts to think better, feel better.

There’s something cathartic about taking apart the horrible things and turning them into something new. It’s a breath of fresh air. It’s a sense of hope, for himself, that eventually he’ll be able to take May and Tony’s reassuring words and believe them.

#febuwhumpday9 #irondad #irondad fic #Tony and peter #sick Peter parker #vomiting

24 notes · View notes

heylinfanclub · 3 years

Text

Thinking about that ‘issue log’ in terms of returning to my rp blog.

Largely it’s relating to Jack a lot and his general canon encouraging people to shit on him,,,, Horts. Even canon divergence. He’s still a shitty guy nobody understands (and don’t have to, to be hurt by his actions!) But given his place as my long-term comfort character, I just don’t like addressing it without idk, a pre-planned plot so I don’t have to be blindsided by EMOTIONS FOR MY BOY?? But it’s so easy to become emotional about him. He’s emotionally neglected in a specific way of ‘we would pay more attention to you if you did what we wanted’; he has family he loves but are too distant or too old to feel comfortable being attached to; his failures are mocked, his successes are downplayed; and this is just his LIFE— villainy or not. Just thinking about him gets me WORKED UP. I love him so much he’s my little rat bastard. But he’s so fed up with life shitting on him (even if it’s partially his fault) and so am I (even when it’s— whoa! Partially my fault) so writing him makey me feel bad in my current state.

Maybe it’s healing and realizing Jack is Not. And probably never will cause he’s so against accepting somethings wrong with his life in the first place. Hurts to see that. Hurts to see him try to be happy when he’s ignoring his ingrained problems. Maybe not even ignoring. Like me, he might not even be aware what his problems are, and won’t be for a long time.

It’s also perfectionism. I feel that my blog organization skills are so bad. I always feel behind people with nice poetic tags, flowing verses, ability to upkeep dozens of interactions without losing information along the way— I could fix this by being a Private rp account tbh.... but I still need to do so much cleaning and restructuring on my blog....

It’s not being in the zone to write about living with a passionate drive. Because I’m not living it? I’ve been in quarantine for over a year. I lost my parents. I had to move. I haven’t worked in a year. I barely leave the apartment. I don’t keep up with mainstream fandoms until months after their popularity dwindles. I know the point is escapism but you cannot escape to what you do not have a reference for. I’m so largely outta my depth these days I’ve become hypersensitive to the outdoors. The sun is too bright. The sounds of the road are too loud. People getting close to me makes me tense and jumpy. Idk how I’m supposed to rp my lackadaisical evil genius in a state like this. But just like I’m putting off work til the world stabilizes— might just be the fate Jack is destined for. I need to read more books, I need to experience a world worth living in again. Cause all I do is smoke weed, play video games and survive.

It’s a lot of work to return to Jack. And I just don’t got the energy.

But art! Art I can do.

#me.#420.#family death mention

0 notes

xopheliasunflowerx · 5 years

Text

So my confession, I didn’t want to hold it back so yeet (long as)

This shit is long, it explains my disorder, some personal symptoms and stories and explains the disorder. You probably won’t read it all, I wouldn’t either but that’s me, I tried not to offend anyone and not everyone does the same thing! Please be respectful if you have a problem PM me

So I have ADHD, and it’s hard to live with. ADHD stands for Attention-Decfict/Hyperactivity Disorder, it’s an attention difficulty with hyperactivity and impulsiveness. ADHD is a ‘neurodevelopmental’ disorder, meaning it’s the brain function. The symptoms can be different in everyone but I’ll name the common ones (I’ll also explain my personal symptoms too)

The Behaviour side: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, repetitive or words/actions.

Cognitive side (memory): absent-mindedness, trouble focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, short attention span.

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement and mood swings

It’s also common to have a learning disability with it (which I do) meaning you have to explain things more clearly than already. And depression, meaning you can have depression without having a reason, or you just over think the negatives and think it’s true. As I am diagnosed with ADHD I can easily be depressed just by a simple thing really, for you it may sound dumb but it’s true. I wouldn’t call us ‘attention seekers’ but we sort of are I guess as I want attention but not in a way that we want it. I don’t really know how to explain it but we want attention but we draw attention to ourselves and create a huge mess, well I’m not sure with others but I do.

So these are some of the symptoms explained and some of my personal ones.

You can be distracted easily and absent-minded, which I do. And it’s hard because I have to learn stuff but sometimes it doesn’t make sense and I always ask to be explained to me again and they get frustrated when I don’t get it which is explainable but it makes me feel really upset about it. Like for example I’ll play a game, I had difficulty with Batman: Arkham Knight Riddler race tracks, there was one where you had to glide to click a button but I never understood how. I would get angry and frustrated then finally give up. I did eventually did it and now it’s easy but even the simple things can be difficult to do. I can’t pronounce some words (mainly because something caused that which I won’t explain) and it’s very hard. Math is hard, as it can be for others but I could never do it I would have teachers and students explain to me but I’ll be there like what? I had a tough time with my 3 time tables back in year 5 (fifth grade) and now I’m 18 and I just learnt them (simply because of work) and I’m pretty proud.

I have difficulty in focusing on what needs to be done like writing for an example, I read that people with ADHD can be into something like obsessed then only focus on that (which is me writing for certain people) then we suddenly get bored of it and move on to something else. I get bored very easily that’s why I don’t write as much because I’m bored of writing the same character with some what similar scenarios that’s why I’ve been less writing. It sucks, because I really do wanna write but I can’t be bothered to do or so. Also it can be very hard on focusing on something else rather than the task at hand, we would get distracted by anything, a window, door, pen anything. So I would leave my task unfinished because I have no interest in finishing (a lot of imagines are unfinished because I just can’t be bothered to finish them) and when I do finish they are rushed and unorganised (as having ADHD we are very unorganised and messy my room for an example is a mess).

We would also avoid task that we don’t want to do, like a simple chore or homework. I never did my homework never I never studied either like I never knew how to study and it just bored me, and I would get distracted easily. I would get distracted by the colours of my highlighters and just draw instead. You might be wondering how did you not get a detention? You’re probably not but I’ll tell you anyway, I would say I forgot it or I would never go to detention and I would always hide.

I happen to forget a lot, it’s terrible really I also happen to lose things very easily. So when I mis place something I get frustrated easily because I remember putting something somewhere else. Like example, when painting I happen to put my rubber (eraser) somewhere say it’s next to me for an example then when I’m looking for it I can’t find it and I get annoyed. Then I find it and I go back to what I’m doing. That happens A LOT! I did it last night with lip cream I put it on my bed and I went for a shower then suddenly it’s gone, I can’t remember where I put it. Memory isn’t my friend. It’s hard having a memory of a literal gold-fish because we need to remember stuff especially if it involves something important or family/friends, like I keep forgetting how old my parents are and when my dad’s birthday is which is terrible.

I happen to fidget a lot, it’s annoying for most people but it’s something for me to be distracted by. No fidget spinners are not something I fidget with, they’re not right for me anyway. I usually fidget with my hair (I twirl my fingers with it) a pen or I drum my fingers against something. People mistake that I’m nervous when really I’m not, I even got threaten by my teacher that she’ll cut my hair if I continued twirling my hair (which I actually don’t remember that). But you can tell when someone with ADHD is nervous, reading facial expressions and if they’re shaking like if they’re playing with their fingers watch carefully are they shaking, sweaty, also if it’s sort of faster than usual. I would drum my fingers against my thighs in a fast pace when I’m nervous. Also usual symptoms for nervousness, lip biting, no eye contact, looking around the room, is common too (well as I do it). I was having a very bad anxiety when I saw well... I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because we’re not dating so uh significant other maybe coming into my friends car as we were picking him up. I was nervous as hell, because well I didn’t shower, didn’t brush my hair or teeth (because I was sleeping over at a friends house unexpectedly) and I usually get nervous around him. I tapped my fingers against my thighs to calm myself, I looked around then stared at the window. He then grabbed my hand and squeezed it to comfort me, I then played with his fingers to distract myself once again.

Now this one really pisses people off, I repeat what I say only because I don’t remember telling people before. I would tell a story to a friend and then they’ll say yeah you already told me that. I get all awkward and embarrassed about it feeling super dumb for repeating it, I only recently found out that’s a symptom for having ADHD and I’m actually surprised because I thought it was just me. But I understand that it’s clearly annoying for others to hear the same thing over and over again. I don’t mean to repeat myself, and I feel so dumb when I do but my memory just likes to leave a lot. Forgetfulness is horrible when you’re in a relationship too, like I told him (significant other) my middle name and I never knew I did until I actually found the messages and I told him again like three weeks after I felt really stupid, but he didn’t say anything and he just stared at me weirdly.

So being ADHD is a mess, we can’t organise for shit. I probably already explained this but there’s a symptom of me having ADHD. I would be ready and organised for writing then suddenly it turns out something way worse than I imagined it to be which is why I take SOOOOO LONG writing. I have some friends with OCD and I find it hilarious just to annoy the shit outta them, they won’t come to my house anymore because of my room. So when I find out someone has OCD I’m a bully to them, but I only move things around imperfectly and then I stop for awhile then I do it again. I only do it for fun not just to be mean, they get back at me in their own ways. Like a guy at work who is 6’3 teases me about my height 5’2 which I don’t really care, because i then pull out the mustard packet and put it into the ketchup packets which annoys him, he gets me back by saying how forgetful I am.

So when talking to me in person is a difficult task, I would see your lips move but I won’t hear anything as I just space out, I try to pay attention but I just can’t. I would ask them to repeat it for me and then I would listen sometimes. This is annoying to me and everyone, someone would ask me to grab something and I would ask them to repeat themselves like three times until I finally understood what they wanted. Happened yesterday someone wanted pancake lids but I heard pancakes so I thought they wanted me to wrap them up or get more until he told me again which I felt so stupid about it and I finally got them. I apologised but they’re already frustrated with me and customers so yeah. It’s hard, it’s not a hearing thing we just zone out. We try to listen we do, it’s not our fault. It’s harder in relationships but I don’t think I’ve been in a longer relationship to experience that, I also don’t tell them my disorder until i’m comfortable or I need to.

So about that forgetfulness, we also forget to do stuff daily. I forget to eat because I’d be so distracted in something my hunger just jumps out the window. And recently it’s been happening a lot and it’s been worrying some of my close friends and my significant other. But I do feed myself, sometimes it’s motivation to get up and eat and I don’t cook so that’s another reason I don’t eat much. I sound stubborn but it’s true, I do eventually eat when I remember and I eat then I forget later. I don’t have a eating disorder it’s just remembering to eat as we’re distracted. Also I don’t know if this happens to other people with ADHD but when I’m off medication I usually eat a lot and when I’m on it I rarely eat (but I eat). That happened when I was younger now I either eat or don’t when I’m off medication.

Lack of sleep is a big one, I thought I had insomnia but I found it it’s just my ADHD again, there’s no surprise there. Reason we rarely sleep because of that hyper is still kicked in, for me it gets worse at night as I tend to be more active and hyper at night. The mind keeps going as we’re trying to sleep and random thoughts like to come up so we’re always on the internet searching the most random things. So we’re lucky to have five hours of sleep, the most. I did have sleeping medication but they would usually take awhile to kick in and I just barely took them because there’s no point. They would knock out anyone else as my mum took them but they would just work on me.

We would talk more than usual, yes that’s a thing. We talk a lot, we can also change the subject randomly without a warning. So saying we’re talking about dogs then suddenly we change the subject to how does ovens work. We also interrupt others when speaking but we don’t mean to, I would immediately apologise for the intrusion and then go back to being quiet. We can be quiet at points, which could scare some people but we’re just thinking or being distracted by a squirrel or something. We talk a lot when we’re excited about something, when I’m obsessed with something I want to talk to someone about it but they don’t as I’ve already spoken to them about it a lot. Having an obsession is hard because you want to talk to someone about it but when you do you don’t want to talk about that obsession anymore. Yes we easily change obsessions a lot, like last year I was obsessed with Gotham and Teen Wolf And Riverdale, I lost interest in Riverdale there was too much and the first season was better in my opinion. I then got into Detroit Become Human and I loved it, then I got into Harry Potter. Now I’m currently into Spider-Man and the Avengers because WHY NOT!

So I’m gonna list some smaller symptoms that you probably didn’t know but meh. So there’s no such thing as sugar rush or having a hyper mode when you have coffee or staying up late because of it, it doesn’t exist. Because we’re already hyper and active that sugar and caffeine doesn’t effect us at all, but we would get a rush on something else mine was Red Doritos, I would get hyper when I ate those, I don’t now which is good. I forgot my other one which sucks I’ll probably edit it later and add it on. AH YES MOODSWINGS, we have bad mood swings. We’ll be happy then the next thing we’re upset. I think it’s because we’re always day dreaming and absent-minded we can think of the negative things which I do a lot. I end up going through a break down thinking of how much I hate myself, no one loves me, my friends are using me. Dreams also doesn’t help, I had a dream where my significant other asked out my friend which hurt me so much, I didn’t confront him about it because he’s in a different country and the service there is terrible and I don’t want to annoy him with my problems. When in a relationship I always doubt them because of my negative thinking, like why are they dating me, are they using me, are they cheating on me, what hurts most is that they’re not yours and you’re questioning if you can trust them. I told him I have ADHD, but I don’t think he knows what it means, which I will be asking when I see him again (as texting could make it worse) and I want to explain to him. I don’t like to talk seriously with him as we’re only seeing each other but I feel like we need to talk about it, and yes I avoid it and he can always tell that there’s something wrong so I do explain it but I feel like we’re not dealing with it permanently. It also doesn’t help that we’re distant, because it makes it worse and my questioning more severe. I feel like I’m taking it too much and drawing attention to myself simply because of that consent worrying and we’re not dating but he has his reasons and I have mine. Now I’m going off topic about ADHD, but that’s what our negative thinking can turn into. With that it’s harder to make friends and fit in, I couldn’t have just one friend, because I get annoyed with one person for awhile and I try to distant myself from them without explaining and I feel guilty afterwards, It sounds horrible yes but we get bored and want to hang around with others. I haven’t done it in a long time which I’m proud but we do want to hang out with others or just to be alone, we want a new adventure. We do appreciate our alone times, as we’re always day dreaming and just need that peace to relax. But yes we get bored easily of it.

The good parts of having ADHD, there are some good parts, we’re very creative as we’re always day dreaming we create ideas and so on. I find it weird because my star sign is Pisces and I find it weird that having ADHD, and as Pisces are extremely creative and I am but they also day dream a lot which I do. I don’t know I found it weird that Pisces and ADHD are some what similar but aren’t. We see things differently, we look at a plan wall and wonder what would it look like if we threw colours or sparkles on it. We make the simple things into art, and it’s actually easier to write in detail as we can just imagine it. Writing isn’t an issue when you have an idea it’s actually really fun, it just motivation to finish it. Some people can’t think when they’re listening to music, well I can I can think clearly with the sound blasting through my ears, I imagine a scenario sometimes with the song, just depends on the song and who with.

So living with ADHD can be difficult in daily life, but is also useful. It sucks yes, but I’m glad I have it I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of having it but it does help me, well sometimes I guess. I do find the things where I mis place, I do get over my overthinking, and I do eventually remember things. I wish people would do research before judging an ADHD person, we’re not just hyper as everyone thinks we are there’s more to it. If you notice the little things we do you would actually begin to recognise a pattern and connect a dot that those are our symptoms and beware of those in the future. I probably didn’t add a lot of other symptoms but you can research those, I did because I wanted to know. Having ADHD isn’t just an excuse either, it’s a explanation of why we can’t do certain things, I hope some of you understand that. And yes we can be frustrating a lot but take your time with us, we can be patient and if you tell us that we’re making you frustrated and please explain why, we might get angry or upset but that’s us we can’t help it. We will slowly get there, and if we fall we always pick ourselves back up because that’s they way we are taught. I’m sorry for rambling lol just needed to get this off my chest ya know.

#adhd #attention defecit hyperactivity disorder #mental illness #disorders #my expriences #adhdlife #adhd things

56 notes · View notes

azianxpersuasionwrites · 7 years

Photo

HOW TO WRITE A KICK ASS PARA SAMPLE THAT STANDS OUT

It has been a while since I’ve done a guide. This guide is going to be less about how to write something specific and more about roleplaying and writing. I’ve been roleplaying since about 2009 and I’ve been writing since about 2008. I joined Tumblr for roleplaying in 2010 and started as an admin in 2014. Now that I’ve been an admin, I have a better since of what other admins look for in a para sample. For those who haven’t done a lot of roleplaying or haven’t done a lot of roleplaying that requires an application, hopefully this will help you out.

So, here are my tips and tricks for a kick ass para sample that stands out.

CHECK OUT THE GUIDE UNDER THE READ MORE

INTRODUCTION

Each roleplay and set of admins is going to have different regulations and requirements for their application so this may not apply to all applications. Most applications ask for third person, although I have applied for an RP that has asked for a sample in first person as well. Some may vary with the tenses, but it’s generally past tense. I’ve seen lengths range from three paragraphs to 500+ words and sometimes more. Most roleplays ask for only one sample, but again, I have applied for an RP in the past that has asked for two samples (one in first person present tense and another in third person past tense).

The main idea of a para sample is to get an idea of how you are going to portray a character whether they are an original character or canon character. You may be a phenomenal writer, but if you don’t click with your character and that shows in your para sample, you’ll get rejected by the admins. So, when there’s a para sample, it’s not always just about proving that you’re an amazing writer, but that you can connect with your character as well. This goes for creative writing in general.

My main points are going to hit dialogue, interactions, mental (and emotional) state, and prompts.

DIALOGUE

One of the biggest things that I like to see in a para sample is dialogue because it can tell a lot about your character and how they are portrayed. Do they say something a certain way or use a certain kind of slang? Someone from Northern United States says “pop” and someone from the South might say “Coke”, but they both mean soda. People from Massachusetts say “wicked” and most people from the South will say “ya’ll.”

Here are a couple examples of dialogue.

“It doesn’t matter what they’re feelin’–we all know what they’re feelin’. You’re the only one making an effort to give a damn, and you’ve been stepping way outta your comfort zone to do it.”

“I know I’m conceited and act like a spoiled brat, but the people I have to attend these dinners with..they’re like, – It’s just gross how they talk.”

“Calm the fuck down, kid. I’m not here to steal your shit or anything. I’m looking for someone.”

So, each of these three examples of dialogue are pretty different. The first one comes from my friend Jo’s Oliver Jager, a laid back, the devil may care kind of guy. The second is from a girl (Row’s Piper Yustman) whose family is pretty wealthy and hoity toity. But, what you can also get from the dialogue is that she’s a young teenage girl. The last is from my own character, Christina Laurent, a foul mouthed, no nonsense girl. Her dialogue is quick and sharp.

In short, it’s really good to have dialogue so admins can get a feel of how your portrayal of the character will interact with others. It can also help you out with figuring out who your character is.

*The next thing I want to point out is where things are bolded and italicized. It’s not extremely necessary to include, but it can help enunciate certain words which helps with the structure of a sentence and the context.

INTERACTIONS

This ties in with the dialogue portion. Have your character interact with someone in the para sample. It doesn’t have to be another character you create or a character in the roleplay that’s already established or written out. It can be a simple exchange between your character and an NPC, like a bystander, client, or patron at a bar.

Is your character usually icy and cold towards someone else? Or are they only like that with strangers? Are they really friendly and excitable when they meet someone new? Are they nice but wary of strangers, but warm and a little crazy with close friends? Are they the kind of person that jumps into action when someone is in trouble? You can show all of this with little interactions.

You don’t have to show how your character reacts to everything in your para sample, but maybe pick out one interaction with a person rather than have one long internal monologue.

MENTAL (AND EMOTIONAL) STATE

The mental and emotional state of your character is really important. Lots of people love to play a tragic character. We love tragic characters. We also love anti-heroes. These kinds of characters are all around us in television, movies, and novels. In your para sample, take the admin inside of your character’s mind. This can be shown through thoughts, little actions like habits, and through facial expressions.

Occasionally write first person thoughts. Maybe your character is contemplating something and is having an internal war. Maybe they can hear a voice in the back of their mind telling them that they can’t do something. The reason? Self-doubt. Or the little voice just screams to them about something from the past. One of my character frequently heard her parents’ voice in her head because she was so controlled by them. Another character talked to herself a lot because she felt that it gave her confidence. Another character may have recurring thoughts about a traumatic event from their past.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Your character’s appearance plays a huge role in who they are. I would definitely include a (brief) description of your character in your para sample. What do they wear? What do they go to first? What is their posture like? Do they walk with a limp? Do they have a crooked nose that was broken years ago?

Have a quirk like frequent tapping on a hard surface or touching their hair when they’re nervous. Other frequent habits might be running their hand through their hair, scratching the back of their necks, or biting their nails or lower lip.

Have your character in a stressful situation. Add some descriptions of their facial expressions. Does their nose scrunch up when they’re angry about something or when they get really engrossed in a good book? Do they unconsciously bite their lip when in deep thought? Are they a musician and always have a rhythm going whether it’s tapping their foot or drumming their fingers on the table?

These little details can bring your character to life.

PROMPTS

Here are a few prompts for a para samples for applications. Obviously, some may vary depending on the character your are applying for.

Your character’s family is missing. Write your character’s reaction to them missing. Maybe your character has come home from a party but their parents’ cars are out front but the parents are no where to be found. How does your character react? What do they do first?

Start your para sample with “After that, things were never the same again....” As cliche as it sounds, it can help get a feel of what your character is like. It may very well tie in with the first prompt above.

Write about a happy moment in your character’s life. What is their best memory? Why? What happened in that time? Was it recent or did the memory happen when the character was younger?

Write your character meeting someone new. One of my favorite ways to get a feel for my character is having them interact with another person whether it’s at a store or on a date, etc. Bouncing your character off of someone else is a great way to figure your character out.

Have your character interact with a close friend or family member. Have them share something personal. Are they going through a difficult time or is it the most exciting news they’ve ever gotten?

I hope these prompts help. Don’t forget that you can also google writing prompts and don’t be afraid to ask the admins of the rp for prompts. Admins are always willing to give your prompts. They want the character to be taken just as much as you want the character.

OTHER QUICK TIPS AND TRICKS

DON’T rehash your (desired) character’s bio. The biggest problem that I’ve seen with para samples is that people like to do a rehash of their desired character’s bio, which doesn’t show much imagination on the applicant’s part. The admins have already written the character and know what’s happen in that character’s life. They don’t want to read another version of it in a para sample. You could pick specific parts of the bio and write that scene and it would be okay, but don’t rehash everything that’s happened to them.

Always save your work! Save those paras somewhere because you might use them in the future whether it’s for another application or its the base line for a scene you want to write and/or expand on.

Read books! Read more books and really see how the author develops their character. Look at specific words that are used. Examine the dialogue. Are they a snooty rich kid that uses very proper English? Are they bilingual who lets their native language slip out when they’re angry? Really dig into the details described.

Write a character sketch! I would look at your para sample as a character sketch. You can learn a lot through writing the para sample to see whether your character works or not. The character sketch really develops your character so you can see who they are and what drives them.

Pinterest! Even if you don’t have a Pinterest, keep a folder of some sort or make a moodboard that reminds you of your character. It’s super helpful to see what kind of aesthetic they have. Are they grungy and daring or clean and cautious? Do they love to go out at night or being in the sun? Pinterest boards help keep you inspired.

CONCLUSION

So, now you’re done with your para sample and maybe your application too. It’s wonderful and you’ve sent it in. My biggest tip for anyone is to always save your work. ALWAYS! You may want to use it in the future for your own novel or other kind of piece of writing.

Good luck and have fun!

#writing guide #guide #rpc #rph #writing help #roleplay help #my guide

296 notes · View notes

jadehqknb · 7 years

Note

[Minor Character Monday] Hyuga Junpei being comforted by his female friend after he was rejected by Riko. How would she help him to pick up and move on? How would she divert his attention? What if he really had feelings for her, but they were hidden because he thought she was taken?

Aw, you chose one of my fave babes! Thanks for the request!

Riko stands momentarily frozen, her eyes wide open. Slowlyher hand covers her mouth, a delayed effort to hide the shock she feels.

“Say something Riko,” Hyuga pleads gruffly.

“I…Junpei…I’m sorry but…I can’t return your feelings,” shewhispers, eyes brimming with tears. She swallows once, taking a deep breath.“Teppei and I…we’re giving it another try.” She reaches out as Hyuga turns toleave, his face flushed in embarrassed frustration. “I’m sorry I didn’t tellyou sooner, it just…it happened after he got back from the hospital. We…I…Ididn’t know.”

“You have nothing tobe sorry for. It was…my own misunderstandings about what there is between usthat led to this,” he says, walking out before she can say anything further.

From down the hall, you see him exit the trainer’s room andreach up your hand to wave but just before you call out a greeting you see hisface and stop cold; clearly things did not go well with Riko. Shouldering yourbag, you hastily cut through the crowd of students now making their way to thecafeteria and their favorite eating spots for lunch. Hyuga jumps slightly asyou take his arm, leading him away from the crowds to your own secret spotbehind the groundskeeper’s shack.

“Ok, spill it,” you say looking up at him.

“_____-chan, I don’t really feel like talking,” he saysfrown deeper than usual.

“Tough, I’m one of your besties, and you need to get thisout so do it,” you retort.

Hyuga looks at you with hard eyes but you don’t even flinch.Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair, dropping his head and your gaze. Itwill take more energy than he has to continue arguing with you so he snaps out,“She rejected me, ok? I confessed and she rejected me! Happy?”

“Of course not Junpei,” you answer quietly.

He lets out a frustrated huff as he turns his head to look out over the expanse of the baseball field.“Sorry,” he mumbles, “I…I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine, you’re hurt, I understand,” you interjectquickly. After a beat of silence, you ask, “Did…is she with Kiyoshi-san?”

Hyuga whips his head back to face you, eyes wide. “Did youknow about them?”

You shake your head fervently. “No! No, not at all but I doknow they have a history and, well, that’s the only reason I could think of forher to reject you.”

“There’s probably a dozen other reasons too,” he grumblesbut is startled when you clamp your hands on his cheeks and make him look youin the eye.

“Not true, you’re wonderful, Junpei, a girl would be luckyto have you. Riko isn’t stupid, so if she said no, Kiyoshi is the only reasonwhy.” You pause, taking a deep breath. “Are you going to be ok?”

“Of course,” he says quickly.

“No, I mean, you already hold a ridiculous grudge againsthim for some reason so I’m sure this is only going to add fuel to that fire.The team needs their captain to be able to lead all of them, so I’ll ask you again; are you going to be ok withthis? With them?”

Hyuga doesn’t know what to say, everything is still so rawbut he does know he appreciates your concern as annoyed as he is by the wholesituation he now finds himself in. Closing his eyes, he places his hands overyour own and says, “I don’t know yet.”

“Fair enough,” you say removing your hands. Hyuga finds heenjoys the lingering warmth they’ve left.

The bell rings signaling the end of lunch but before he canwalk away you ask with giddiness in your tone, “Hey, you wanna get outta here?”

Hyuga’s eyes go very large. “You want to skip the rest of the day? Are youinsane?”

“Maybe, but that’s beside the point. You need to get awayfrom here, take a break. Just…come on!” you insist, grabbing his hand andtugging hard to lead him towards the school gates and because Hyuga wouldrather not make a scene while playingdelinquent, he adheres to your insistence and follows you out. His apprehensionlasts all the way down the street, but your wide, bright smile and the shine inyour eyes quell it, if only slightly.

The two of you head to Maji Burger because it’s the closestplace to get food which both of you did not have during the lunch hour thanksto your “talk”. Hyuga says, “Grab a seat, this is on me.”

“Absolutely not! The broken hearted do not buy their ownjunk food. You sit down and I’ll treat!” you insist pushing him intothe nearest booth. He grumbles at your manhandling making you giggle beforeyour form moves away to the counter to order. You’re back quickly with to-gobags.

“What’s this?” he asks cocking an eyebrow.

“You need a distraction, so we’re going to my place to watchan absolutely fabulous and funny anime series I just started that I know you’re going to love! Come on!”

Groaning, Hyuga stands, shouldering his bag and your owndespite your protests. You walk quickly to the station, the stop for your housenot too far away and before long Hyuga finds himself collapsed on your couchwatching a surprisingly good show and inhaling his food because he’s starvingby this point. Your laughter rings out repeatedly, commentary pouring outaround your full mouth because you’ve already seen the first six episodes.

He watches you with a bemused face, appreciative that you’vetaken the time and effort to make him feel better. And it’s then he realizesthat he actually does; he feels better. The cracks in his heart are less wide,the tightness in his throat has been relieved and the ache in his head issoothed; all because of you.

“Hello? Earth to Junpei, you in there?”

Your voice startles him out of his haze and he shakes hishead. “Sorry, guess I zoned out there for a minute,” he mumbles looking back atthe TV.

“It’s ok, I can only do so much to distract you. It willtake some time,” you say patting his knee, “but you’ll get over it.”

He nods absentmindedly before clearing his throat andasking, “I, ehm, I’ve been so busy lately we haven’t had much time to talk. How’sthat guy from the baseball team?”

“What guy?” you ask stuffing a piece of chocolate in yourmouth.

“You know, the guy you’re dating or whatever,” he saysconfused.

“I don’t know what rumor mill you subscribe to, Junpei, butI’m not dating anyone from the baseball team. I’m not dating anyone at all,actually,” you reply with a shrug.

This knowledge brings more comfort to Hyuga than he reallythinks it should. Now is most definitely not the time to say anything, but thelittle flutter he feels when your hand brushes against his as you reach for thepopcorn bowl in his lap is reason enough for him to get his head together.Tomorrow, he’s going to make amends properly with Riko and Kiyoshi. While he did have feelings for her, they wereapparently not as deep as he thought and he can only feel grateful that Kiyoshihad already filled the spot he’d intended to take; how much worse would it havebeen if she’d said yes and he only realizedafterwards how much he actually likes you?

#hyuga #minor character monday #sfw #scenario #request #bball babe #hiding-from-senpai

11 notes · View notes