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army-of-mai-lovers · 3 years

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Hi, Ace Toph hc anon here! I totally agree people should be able to hc characters however they choose! Hc Toph as an aroace lesbian, ace, and a demiro lesbian are really great hcs and completely valid. I think it’s kind of comparable to ppl writing Bolin and Asami as cis in fan works. It’s like woah I forgot that ppl think of character as ‘xyz’ haha. Your wording is great and I get the point you’re conveying! I apologize for the long text I went on a rant too lol.

The biphobia in this fandom sometimes. I swear it’s palpable on so many different levels. My friend (a lesbian) paints Asami and Korra as lesbians and honestly I don’t get it. They’re both attracted to men AND women? Again people can have their hc’s but it’s really hurtful to erase bi representation in media. Like a while back she identified as bisexual and I thought she would understand that making/ enjoying jokes like “lol Mako turns all of his exes lesbian” to be super biphobic and not very funny. Or when people say they ship Wuko bc Mako deserves to suffer. Can we stop using the reason people/characters are lgbtq+ bc men have done them wrong in relationships or deserve “dealing with someone just as bad.”

Also 100% my hc is Zuko being bi you’re not alone! While they’re not my otp I definitely think he had genuine (romantic) feelings for Mai and other women he dated. But again that’s up for a person to speculate as comphet or not. The problem, like you said, definitely arises when there’s a double standard for people being adamant about hc men as gay and hesitant/against women as lesbians. I get when people say it’s somewhat stereotypical for Toph to be a lesbian but there ARE women that identify as lesbian that fit being tough, strong, and ngc. Like she fits the sort of aro/ace, butch vibe. AND THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I’m tired of people acting like being butch is something negative! Ngc lesbians should be able to be hc in the fandom. You know what I redact my earlier statement on hc Toph as just ace. I definitely see Toph being an aro, aroace, or a demiro lesbian 😤😤😤!

People can hc what they want but don’t hold double standards. It’s funny how like you said ppl hc Wu and Zuko as 1000% gay (imo bc of stereotypical actions/characteristics). But turn around and say that others shouldn’t hc characters as lesbians bc of stereotypes and characteristics/point out canonical events disproving the hc of said lesbian character.

Pls tell me if I got misunderstood or interpreted what you said in an inaccurate way. Thank you for discussing! Also I’m sorry this is so long!!! I enjoy your content so thank you for your opinion on this topic :D

oh anon this is so thoughtful thank you so much! you understood EXACTLY what I was saying and I’m so glad bc I was honestly a little afraid to say it. the analogy to people writing Bolin and Asami as cis is a great one, I get so into my own hcs that I forget sometimes that people don’t have the same one that I do.

OH MY FUCKING GOSH THE BIPHOBIA IN THIS FANDOM. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I am not bisexual myself but I have friends who are and just in general seeing someone else be shit on for the way they identify pisses me off. Honestly, the Korra and Asami situation is one of the few where I do think “having your own hcs” is harmful, just because bisexual representation (esp bisexual representation of women of color) is so rare and I do think it’s erasure to interpret them as not having been genuinely attracted to Mako. Further, I agree the joke of “Mako turned Korra and Asami into lesbians” is super not funny, in part bc I am a Mako stan but also bc lesbians have had a history of our attraction being attributed to trauma or bad relationships w men and that is a trope I would rather not contribute to!

and yes bi Zuko!!!!! I def agree that he had genuine, romantic feelings for Mai (now, whether she had genuine, romantic feelings for him is a whole nother question). and yes I don’t understand the issue with hcing her as a lesbian? I mean I guess if your only lesbian hcs are Toph and Azula I would maybe encourage you to question your thought process, but the people I’ve largely seen make lesbian hcs about Toph or Azula also have them for other female atla characters (for my part, I also hc Mai and Ty Lee as lesbians). and people acting as if being a butch lesbian is a negative thing is SUCH AN ISSUE, not just in this fandom but in all kinds of spaces!!! being a butch lesbian is a wonderful thing to be!!! I hope all the butch lesbians reading this are having a wonderful day!!!

and yeah it’s,,,,,interesting. for the record, I def also hc Wu as gay, but I find it so interesting that it’s a problem for people to hc Toph as a lesbian because it’s “stereotypical” but it’s fine for people to hc Wu as gay??? like honestly I just want people to be consistent but they never are.

and omg thank you so much for sending me this ask!!!! this was a lovely discussion!

#anons #replies #swearing tw #caps tw #biphobia #lesbophobia #fandom crit #ask to tag

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mystiika · 3 years

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re; chris’ sexual + romantic orientation

so i feel like there’s two main questions people have about this: oo1. why don’t i just say he’s bi or bi-curious oo2. what even is heteroflexible ( side note: it can absolutely be harmful depending on usage but it depends on the situation imo )

to put it as simply as possible, it’s mainly out of respect. as a bi man, i already have to deal a lot with biphobic tendencies or bierasure. within this, the main one is that bisexual people are just people who haven’t made up their mind yet about if they want to be straight or gay. so part of it is the fact that chris doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire & contribute to the conversation. he doesn’t want to use bi in any part of his identity until he’s sure that it’s the right fit.

it’s also out of respect for other men who like men specifically. i mean this in the sense that any time a guy approached with non-platonic intentions, he’d get this sense of obligation to tell them that he’s not really interested in guys all that much & that it has nothing to do with them. so he’d be worried that he’d get called fake or like he’s just saying he’s bi to get attention etc. it would sound like he’s using the label but it’s kind of like an empty promise bc for all he knows, that one guy is never going to come along.

he’s not all all opposed to the idea of dating a guy. he’s just kind of indifferent about it but it doesn’t feel right to him to explore that for the most part, knowing that there’s a high chance that he’s just going to waste the other guy’s time.

if you want to get into studies about heteroflexibility then you could say that heteroflexibility as an orientation is akin to categories 1 & 2 on the kinsey scale ( 0 being “exclusively heterosexual” & 6 being “exclusively homosexual.” ). however, because it involves ( or can involve ) attraction &/or acts with people of the same sex, some critics have argued that being heteroflexible is just a subsection of bisexuality but i’m not sure i totally agree. there is still the school of thought that people get the benefit of calling themself heteroflexible instead of bisexual to avoid the stigma which i think has some truth to it but i’m not sure it’s a 100% guarantee of what’s happening.

there was also some research done by héctor carrillo & amanda hoffman that highlights the main difference between bisexual & heteroflexibility as being that “heteroflexible people sometimes claim that they are not usually attracted to people of the same gender”. which, in this case, i would categorise chris as being part of.

i suppose a better way to do explain it for chris would be “bi-curious without feeling even the slightest need to pursue it & identifies straight when asked” but it’s shorter to just say heteroflexible. & i personally see a definite line between heteroflexible & bi-curious, the difference being that bi-curious implies confusion or active interest in finding out if they’re bi ( or at the least having some sort of same-sex thoughts or fantasies even if there’s no intention to follow up ) whereas heteroflexible is kind of like a stepping stone but basically means you’re open to it without feeling the need to explore it. it’s also possible he’s demi-bi? but that also doesn’t feel quite right because he has ( what i’ll call ) expected immediate attraction to women & doesn’t need a deep emotional connection in order to get there. who knows, maybe i’ll change it to bi if he ever does end up falling for a guy but it’s hard to say.

at the end of the day, i don’t think it’s especially harmful to use heteroflexible in this context because while some people might be using it because of internalised biphobia, it doesn’t add to societal biphobia by further perpetuating the idea that “bisexuals just haven’t made up their mind”. that being said once you have established some sort of attraction to the same sex in whatever way, then that’s where it becomes more of an ethical question & you should really just identify bi even just to yourself, there’s no reason not to.

#i deleted this to redefine chris as bi curious but it really just doesn't feel like it fits ?? idk it's hard to say #so this is what i'm sticking with atm but may change in the future #metas — the gap between understanding & misunderstanding can best be bridged by thought #c. lee. character study — if you don’t know where you are going‚ any road can take you there

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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Also I just want to say thanks for existing ❤️❤️ I love ur blogs and ur takes theyre amazing, I never was properly involved with 5he shadowhunters fandom when it was running bc A. I saw a clalec shipper and ran for the hills(What was that horrific thing) and B. The show is objectively terrible, I really love the fact that you say everything you want to say taking no prisoners!!! Sparing no fragile feelings!!! And I wanna say that I'm so sorry that you have to deal with so many insensitive asshole anons giving you shit

I'm gonna be honest that while I love them both equally, alec was the one I resonated with the most as a lesbian (magnus was the one I fancied ahahah) but I hadn't realised properly how centred Alec was in fandom spaces. Its almost like the ranking of favourite characters goes 1. Alec 2.malec and 3. Magnus, in how Magnus' emotions and boundaries are secondary to the maintaining of alecs relationship with him

I'd seen wisps of something similar in the marvel fandom but hadn't carried over how fans can ununtentially use characters of colour as mere rungs on the ladder to their success, even and especially within the relationship. I don't see this much with sambucky but back when SamSteve was popular Sam was often reduced to Steve's pet therapist who has no aspirations in life other than being Steve's boyfriend.

This is fan behaviour but just wanna say don't let the bastards get u down honey!! ❤️❤️❤️

P. S do clalec shippers still exist??? Please say no

dauihdsiauhd thank u, ur sweet

ur totally right about magnus being below malec on the favorite characters scale, wow. like it's obvious that he doesn't exist outside of malec for these people and so malec becomes this sort of third character and magnus as a person is way wayy down below

but also since u mentioned that u like how i speak my mind xD ur comment about how u relate more to alec because he's gay bothers me a little bit cuz i feel like it implies that being bi is somehow less queer or less relatable and that's... biphobic rethoric djahisudhah like idk maybe u mean that u relate more to his story or whatever but i kind of read it like "i have more solidarity with gay men than bi ppl" and as a bi person that doesn't sit well with me so yeah i'd maybe think about why that might be if that's how u genuinely feel

(PS: if you - and by you i don't mean you, residenthottiesamwilson, just anyone reading this - think that biphobia isn't real just go ahead and unfollow me, cuz if u try to come to my inbox and start shit over it i will block u so just save us both the trouble tbh. we live in a world where every single study around the whole wide world consistently shows that bi ppl face enough discrimination to lower their life expectancy, rise their likelihood to be sexually assaulted, be poorer, and just generally have a way worse quality of life than both straight and gay ppl, so arguing that biphobia doesn't exist is just trying to make ur wishes come true at this point. and i'm seriously not in the mood today or ever to try to prove that 2+2=4)

anyway... to be clear i'm not mad at you and/or calling u a monster, just pointing that out cuz it would bother me if i didn't, and trying to avoid turning this into a biphobia fest in my inbox

moving on! doaijdsoiaj

i can't talk about sambucky and samsteve cuz i haven't actually been involved with the marvel fandom for years now, so i haven't read a lot of fic, and even now the very few tfatws blogs that i follow are all sam-centric cuz im trying to avoid stressing myself with Even More Fandom Buffonery lol, but my educated guess would be that every fandom with an interracial ship is going to have racist tropes, especially because Bucky Stans™ as a group are some of the most racist fandoms ive ever seen. it's actually one of the things that turned me off the MCU fandom, because bucky actually was and is one of my faves, but boiiiiiiiiii

i think most clalec shippers left the fandom long ago (they were never a big group anyway, but you know, at this point they haven't had reason to be active anymore, since most of their thing was to harrass malec shippers and yell about how clalec would prevail, and that fight is already over and done with lol)

#discourse #biphobia mention #salt #ask #residenthottiesamwilson #anti bucky stans #anti mcu fandom #anti sh fandom #anti malec fandom #anti alec stans #anti clalec #anti clalec fandom #as all things should be #homophobia tw

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 4 years

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1 I’m the coming out anon. Thanks for the reply. My dad tried to talk to me about “why I’m sad” and he’s completely oblivious. He & my mom think I don’t want to go to college or something & I don’t know where that came from. I’m not even sad any more; just so frustrated. I don’t have the energy to tell my dad “your shitty statements make me feel like shit.” He doesn’t think they were bad I’m sure. On top of that, my gay friend was being weirdly passive aggressive this morning

2 & that’s after he asked me last night to snap him in the morning bc he’s worried about me. I didn’t take it personal bc he deals w/ his own stuff, but it was also not what I needed & I didn’t expect it. I’m just sick of everyone at this point. I never talk to my parents about anything, & now I’ll probably have to explain to them why they make me feel like garbage bc they’re not gonna leave this be. My mom doesn’t know what my dad said, but my dad is ridiculous. I’m sorry for the long messages

Oh boy.... that sucks. At this point I don’t really know what advice to give other than letting you know that you are right to feel upset right now. Or frustrated and angry. Or sad. It’s all justified. You’re not overreacting or too sensitive. Your parents (especially dad) were reacting in a shitty way and it sucks that your friend also seems to be in a ~mood~ right now.

I hope at least the friend situation will clear up. Maybe he just had a bad day. Perhaps you could talk to him and say “hey, I kinda really need some support right now, I feel like you’re the only one who understands what’s happening to me right now.”

Don’t know your mom but is it possible she’d come around to be “on your side” and talk to your dad on your behalf? Maybe if you told her “look, if you wanna know why I’m sad then it’s because dad has said some really shitty things re me being bisexual. it has nothing to do with college but with the fact that he told me I should pick a side which is very biphobic and hurt me.”

But I get it if you don’t want to or can’t do that. Then just remind yourself that you’ll get out of there one day and you will find your own family of queers and allies that accept you as you are.

Maddie

#Anonymous

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juniperandjustice · 5 years

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I’m in an abusive, controlling relationship, and that’s how it was with my parents, too, and my partner tells me what to do with all my time/energy and how to do it and criticizes how I do it, so this just felt like more of that. And the accompanying psychic attack and possibly guilt trip. It is somewhat less what it is about and more the way it was said. It feels just like when my parents/partner have “asked” (told) me what to do or not do and how to do it and that I’m doing it wrong and there’s something wrong with me for wanting to do things my way. If it felt like just a respectful request acknowledging and respecting my right to say no to it, I’d probably feel better about it.

I needed my Tumblr blog to be my journal, my safe space, and it just hasn’t been allowed to be that by other users, and I feel like I’ve been getting “asked” (told) to tag/stop posting everything, including some really random things, and now I’m just waiting to be attacked and vilified for having negative feelings about that and talking about them, and it feels really ridiculous. It’s making me consider making my Tumblr private or taking it down. I’m already suicidal most of the time and in a ton of physical pain and very sick. I thought this was a safe space for me to be myself and talk about my stuff and express myself and my personality and interests, but I don’t feel like it has been or will be.

I’m sorry if me feeling this way pisses someone off. But really, I don’t have to obey you or the commands of Tumblr as a community. You can unfollow me. You can even badmouth and hate me and ask the rest of the community to. Go ahead, I can’t care anymore, I’m at the end of my rope. Also, not that anyone probably cares, but what you said triggered me big time, too.

It’s like with the rest of my life in general, I almost never get talked to, hardly anyone ever seems to care, until someone who otherwise ignores me “asks” me to stop being me in some way... the only message I get is a negative one that slaps me in the face.

Context below, since I had removed it from my blog to not upset the anon (which still didn't work bc they took a totally unrelated post personally, and I'll paste their reaction to it, too, just to set the record straight in case they're vilifying me, as I blocked them bc seriously ill people like me can't have this stress and drama in our lives and I'm DONE with this issue).

I admit I was not in a good place to get an anon like this but it would've been not a big deal if it was a kind, gentle, simple request to try to tag nudity.

When you ask people, take into account that they might have triggers, too, and they absolutely don't have to do what you want. If you can't handle something as common as nudity in art, artistic photography, etc, maybe you shouldn't follow me. I don't mean to be mean, but I have to have boundaries, too. I have been other people's doormat far too long and lost my self and self worth from it.

The message below was on a post that was NOT about the anon. I wouldn't be surprised if the writer is going to share my name and accuse me of all kinds of things, but I'm not sharing their name. I'm sorry it went this way, it was not my intention. But I won't let myself get smeared for being *human* and having my own needs, triggers, and boundaries, either.

"I asked a question. You responded in an unkind way. I am not upset that you refuse to do that your about me promises you will do. I am upset that I am being shamed and treated as if I did something wrong by asking a question."

Edit: this snowballed. My responses are in the notes. This is not okay. I am allowed to disagree with someone. Getting other people involved, attacking me personally and my relationship, and saying ableist and biphobic things is not appropriate and I will not tolerate it from anyone. Followers, you have been warned. Go ahead and unfollow me or block me, just leave me alone.

#tw #trigger warning

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sailingthenightsea · 6 years

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(i fucked up and deleted the ask but it was the valentines ask for all the questions without quotations)

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? yes

2: Have you ever been deeply in love? no

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in? maybe three weeks?? idk it was in fifth grade

4: Have you ever changed for someone? clothes? yes.

5: How is your relationship with your ex? uh i don’t know him anymore. it was fifth grade.

6: Have you ever been cheated on? no

7: Have you ever cheated? no

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating? probably not

9: What's the most important part of a relationship? faith, trust, and pixie dust. also mutual adoration and respect.

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? i’d like a serious relationship but i’ve never had either

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? nonE

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? i don’t fucking remember it was fifth grade

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? idk 16 ish? if they’re educated abt safe sex and mature enough to say “vagina”

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? yeah i’ve seen hella cute couples on this godforsaken website

18: What do you consider a deal breaker? um being a bigot? or homo/trans/biphobic. also o can’t date someone who isn’t abt as smart as i am just bc i’d get bored.

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? when it starts to make you sad?? idk can’t relate

20: Are you currently in a relationship? hahahaha nO

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? yeah

22: Do you think people should date their friends? i think the best relationships—the ones that last—are frequently rooted in friendship (yes i’m quoting scully sue me)

23: How many relationships have you had? one but it doesn’t count bc i was a chILD

24: Do you think love can last forever? yeah sure

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? probably p close. just like.. but dragons..

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? i’d only be dating dudes if i did that (not that i’m dating anyone now but still)

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? maybe?? try it??

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? yeah

29: What do you notice first about another person? generally their face

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? bi

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? i think it depends.. it wouldn’t if it were anxiety, depression, etc. but i’m not equipped for the extremes, so i’d probably stay away just because i wouldn’t want to cause problems for them

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no

33: Do you want to get married one day? yes please

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? no

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? i don’t think so

36: Are you still a virgin? yes

37: What's more important: Looks or personality? um both.. i mean personality yes but i really like pretty ppl

38: Do you enjoy love films? yes

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? yep

40: Have you ever had a valentine? nope

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends? depends

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? yeah but i can also imagine better grammar in that question

48: What's your favorite love song? probably clocks go forward by james bay

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart? maybe?? i’m not sure

50: If you're single, why do you think you are? bc i’m weird as all fuck

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy? nice guy

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? i like to think so

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single? as i’m always single, yes

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? it’s sorta dumb but whatever

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? yes completely so. but i wouldn’t use the word “silly”

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary? sometimes i forget how old i am and what day it is

60: What's your opinion on open relationships? no

#part one

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 4 years

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1) So I’m in this school program and there’s 10 of us. There’s a gay boy, a bi girl, me(bi), and another girl who made a joke today implying that she’s not straight but I can’t tell if it’s real. So about 4/10 of us are lgbtq, which is pretty impressive statistically. I say this bc the girl who made the joke made it in front of the whole class and the other bi girl said something about her sexuality too. Besides that the gay boy is 100% out. Everyone is so casual about their sexuality

2) but I’m not. I questioned for a while and now I’m bi but only out to 2 people in my class(the gay boy and bi girl). I just feel so dramatic because questioning was such a stressful and huge time and I still feel uneasy sometimes about if I’m actually bi. And I’m closeted except for a few people. So to hear that girl(who I 100% thought was straight) make such a causal joke about her maybe being bi/gay, it made me feel so dramatic. No one cares about this stuff and I know it’s not a big deal.

3) Sometimes I think that maybe my feelings would be justified if I was gay bc that is a big thing but I’m bi and no one around me is biphobic/homophobic and no one cares so idk why I can’t be casual about my sexuality like the others. I feel like I must just over exaggerate everything. I spent my questioning time confiding in the gay boy, who’s my friend, and now I just look back and think that I must’ve been annoying. Like I’m bi, it’s not a big deal

Okay, first of all: get rid of the idea that being gay is a ~bigger~ deal than being bi or that coming out as bisexual isn’t as hard as coming out as gay. Bisexuality isn’t lesser-than. We’re just as queer as gays and lesbians. How hard/difficult a coming-out is for an individual person doesn’t depend on their sexuality as much as it does on how open and supportive their surroundings are.

A gay boy (don’t know if that’s true for the one from your school but lets talk about a hypothetical one) might have a very easy time coming out if he has a supportive family and friends. Maybe he has a lesbian aunt in the family and has seen how nice his family is towards her so he knows that him being gay won’t be treated like a big deal. He’ll grow up knowing that his family will love him even when he comes out as gay.

A hypothetical bisexual person might not grow up in such a supportive environment tho. Maybe they struggle more to even realise they aren’t straight because bsiexuality isn’t talked about as much in our society as being gay is. Maybe they’ve overheard one too many negative bisexual stereotype and internalised this.

And on top of all of that, people are different. People explore their sexuality differently. People make different sized ~deals~ out of the same thing because what we consider “big” or “small” is a result of our unique combination of past experiences, socialisation, current living situation, mental health….

So long story short: don’t scold yourself for being ~dramatic~. It’s not as easy for you as it seems to be for these other queers in your school program. Have you considered that maybe it hasn’t always been as easy for them as it appears now. Maybe they also still struggle sometimes. Maybe not. But don’t take everything you see at face value. Just because they seem super casual and confident right now doesn’t mean that they’ve always been like that or that you cannot get to that point some day.

I think you will have to work on your internalised biphobia (more advice about that here), be patient with yourself and take things in your own pace. And also, look back at how far you’ve come already. You’re out to two people. That’s two more than a while ago when you were questioning this all on your own.

Also… don’t feel bad for having asked your gay friend for help. You were questioning your sexuality - it’s great you had a friend you could confide in and he was someone who understood that. That’s not annoying. That’s being a friend in need of some help. Never feel bad for asking for help. And definitly don’t feel guilty when your friends hear you and help you as they can!

Maddie

#Anonymous

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 5 years

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1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

#Anonymous

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