#mangiiwan
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may pic kami ni taylor sheesh 😻
grabe naunahan mo pako
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Today we had our last meeting of our theatre club and seeing my juniors cry over me leaving feels weird yet im so sad and happy because that means I did something right in trying to guide them and AUGAHHHHH I LOVE MY CLUB ❤️
Anyways, cant help thinking of Lucky coming back from the manor and his phone IMMEDIATELY pinging with so many missed calls and messages now that he's got signal
The survivors and hunters think its from friends and family, and theyre right!! ...somewhat.
He accidentally opens a voicemail and IMMEDIATELY everyone hears a WAILING SOB
"WHEN Y-YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO- *SOB* GRADUATE, WE D-DIDNT THINK YOU'D GRADUATE TO THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE!!!!"
"Don't t-talk about our senior like that! We miss you a lot, Lucky! We promise to take care of the club and keep your memory alive forever! ...oh, our vice wants to 'talk' to you!"
"FUCK YOUUU PUTANGINA MANGIIWAN!! SABI MO HANGGANG DULO TAYO!!! MANGIIWA-"
"SOMEONE GET THAT PHONE AWAY FROM HIM"
Lucky immediately shuts his phone down.
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Last date with lalabs before we start getting busy. Di muna magkikita for a while, mababawasan din ang bebe time kase need namin mag focus sa iba't ibang bagay. Si lalabs sa new work nya, ako naman sa board exam. Tiis muna for the first quarter of the year. Bago ulit bumawi sa second quarter. Huling post ko din muna to, kailangan muna mag delete ng socmeds para maiwasan ang distractions. Lowkey muna, sa private conversations muna namin ni lalabs kami magkukwentuhan at magsusuportahan sa isa't isa. New chapter na nga naman. Kailangan harapin ang mga responsibilidad namin. Going three years na rin kami this year, sa pagtagal namin, paseryoso ng paseryoso na rin yung mga kinakaharap namin. Hindi na mga pasweet ang iniisip, kundi ang pagkakaroon na ng stable income at magkaroon ng mas better na buhay. Dami pa, dami pa naming kailangan kaharapin at maintindihan. Pero sa lahat ng yon, alam kong may isang taong di mangiiwan sakin, at si lalabs yun!! Kasama ko sya sa lahat. Kasama nya rin ako sa lahat. Partners kami sa buhay at sa pagabot ng mga pangarap. Goodluck satin mahal ko! Kaya natin to! 🤗❤️
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Di na ko natatakot maiwan. Kung merong magloloko ang magloloko, mangiiwan ang gustong mangiwan
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Short Selling & Steroids
I think I'm back to my sedated self, thankfully. Let's see.
Why do you short sell yourself a lot?
I get asked this question too many times in all aspects of my life --work, personal, and even landi. So, here we go. Must be because of this buttery 70s PL which is my go-to sedative apart from liters (if not gallons) of sangria.
My universe is never and will never be bound by validation. I live for invalidation. This dates back to mother dragon's ways but as I revisit this archaic bit, I'm coming clean like Taylor Swift.
In every test paper I bring home, she would look at my mistakes and tell me that I'm too careless because she knew that I knew the answer. Always. Later, when I commit and omit actions, she'd always tag me as a "matalinong gago" with so much graphic words sans the curses. That's how great she was with weaponizing words, tone, style and the works. She rarely hits me, but when she does, it's one for the books. Hence, I come off as someone with too idealistic standards and intimidating. I was born and raised this way, I guess.
When I became the captain of mother dragon's sinking ship in her quest to her final destination, I was left with this burden that while I know I know how to power through with grit, with intention and with my maldita na "matalinong gago" ways, I will be going home defeated. That's when I embraced the world of utter invalidation. That I am never enough just because I can't cheat death, ever. Labo, I know, but, I was 17 when this era started. I was clinging onto to the dearest life form in my universe... my mom.
I guess, that's also where my anhedonia is truly, madly, deeply rooted. I've been so used to losing that winning is but a consolation prize. I had to stop and breathe deeper breaths before keying the previous line. It's true blue blood right there. I don't like validation because all my efforts and results are but pale in comparison to what my harsh reality is... mom's death. I know that this is purely irrational, but in love, emotions overrides any "matalinong kagaguhan" anytime.
Compliments in any shape or form do not mean anything to me. Mom left me even when I fucking gave all that I can and all that I'm not in our battle. She gave up on us. She gave up on me. So, sino pa bang hindi mangiiwan sa akin kahit na I burn myself to ground? Sino pa ba? Wala na. Walang forever. Fuck forever. Forever's but a social construct that even De Beers is milking the shit out of every giddy girl getting a ring on it. LOL. G na g, mhie? Talaga ba?
There are countless time when mom told me to step on the breaks since masyado kong sineseryoso 'yung routines, doc visits and after-care niya. Wala pang palliative care noon lalo sa Pinas at sa public hospitals. Ilang beses niya sinabi sa akin, anak, na-train nga kita kaso sumobra naman yata. I remember so many times na deep inside I was crying, but I told her na, sabi niya, the true test of a good teacher is when the student beats the shit out of the educator. Mom smirks with tiny tears at times. Alam ko naman I'm tough love on her, pero 'di power trip 'yun. Ego and empathy lang talaga. Kasi, 'pag sumuko ako, wala na e. She was no longer my strong, independent, OC mom. She was no longer undefeated. She was no longer my fortress. She is my liability, my only asset who's depreciating pretty quickly. She is my universe. HUY. Hahahahaha. Mommy's girl talaga ako.
However, I'm here and now. A few days back, I keep hearing steroids as meds. UGH. I discovered that it's my trigger. Mom had to take steroids to pump up her system. And yes, the side effects eventually kicked in and that is where things get fucked up. While steroids definitely helped prolong her life, iba e. Her totality was altered. HUY. Naiiyak na naman ako. Hindi tayo mag-spiral this Scorpio szn. Maraming labada at iwas-sunog ganaps.
Steroids are reminders that while I get triggers, I can hopefully turn this shit into a glimmer. UGH. I have to face the fact that steroids helped mom get by. And that, these designer and well-marketed drugs allowed her to power through even when was running on 5 to 10 kph; instead of her usual 160-180 kph. And that, I have to face my red flag. Hindi naman madali, pero hindi imposible. AYWAW. May character arc development na ba talaga this dalisay kuno girly? Abangan.
And you know what steroids brought me and mom? Because she was gaining weight and looking plumper in a good way, when she was in her casket, she looked undeniably good. FUCK HER TALAGA. Alam mo 'yung look na I FOUGHT TOO MANY GOOD FIGHTS. KBYE na look. She looked too peaceful, too unbothered, too accomplished. HUY. 'Wag nating pabagsakin ang luha na mala somatic yoga session. HAHAHAHA. Nagsusulat lang akong dyslexic bitch for today's video. CHZ.
I can hear mother dragon saying right now na 'yan, 'yan. Ganyan. Gamitin mo kagaguhan ng utak mo sa matalinong paraan. 'Di ka natatakot kahit kanino 'di ba? Keep up. Keep up. Eto na nga, ma. Eto na nga. Tumabi ka na naman sa akin sa WFH session ko na 'to. Alis. Smirking Taurus na naman po siya ihh.
PS: Double whammy talaga pagsulat ng thought farts. Kasi, iba ang AI content and content from the Bronx. :D LOL. Iba talaga. Hindi ako magaling. Mahilig at marunong lang as a dyslexic person na pati dyslexia hirap ako spell. It reminds me that I'm bulletproof. Aywaw. Validation szn na ba? Shemay. Kaya ko na ba 'tong mature role na 'to? Abangan! Toodles. Balik labada and iwas-sunog na tayo. :p
NP: Killing Me Softly With His Song - Roberta Flack
Langya ka talaga, ma. Hyfe ka. Makikita mo hinahanap mo. Sorry na agad, ang tagal ko mag-move forward. Bwiset ka kasi e. Pero, I know, I know, mas bwiset ako. Lofffyoooohoooo.
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"bakit mo nakalimutan" tangina malalaman ko ba eh nakalimutan ko nga??? gago ka ba
pls lng ayoko mainis sayo whahashaha pero kanina pako napupuno di ko alam kung dahil ba may regla ako or what pero tangina nakakabwiset lang
kulang nlng ighost nlng kita pero syempre masasaktan ka at ayoko ng ganun 😹😹 tas ako nanman ung mangiiwan puta wag nlng lumandi kung ganto lng nman din palagi problema ko
yokong humingi ng break whatsoever kasi di nman tayo kaya what's the use kung manghihingi ako ng ganyan edi sana tinigil nlng natin to
i swear this started ever since pinost niya ako sa mine 😓😓
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Baby pala Mingyu ha? What if baby(e) 👋🏼 na lang kasi mangiiwan ka pala?? HAHAHAHA.
mingyu: bakit may ungkatan ng past
HAAHAHAH 😭😂
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020623 - Monday
Pang ilang Lunes na ba 'to? Parang pagod na ako magbilang. As a person who's very kin to dates parang lahat big deal for me. Seems like...tangina parang ganito ako nung namatay si Papa. Lahat ng bagay big deal. Lahat ng bagay may meaning. I just don't want to reach the point where I just come home to sleep and get up to go to work...ayoko na. Sobrang ayoko na...
So ayon, back to the ball game. Bumangon akong nag-look forward sa araw na 'to but my lower back hurts. It hurts like hell. 'Di ko alam but I'm assuming that I'm gonna have my period soon. 'Tis probably some PMS...I guess. Sobrang stress ko na naman siguro kaya delayed. Yeah. Should be. I shouldn't be preggo or something. Or whatever. Should I see a specialist na? Idk. Anyways, pumasok ako ng office. Naglakad going to San Miguel Ave., looking forward to Monday. Supposedly chill day — but it wasn't a chill day. Nawala sa isip ko. May ttrain akong tao...of course, my impatient ass. Dude, sobrang simpleng instruction 'di magets. Buti nalang. Mel saved the day.
Lunch time, medyo natuwa mag-meeting ang legal team. 'Di ba uso pahinga sa inyo? 🙃 ni hindi ko na naman nahawakan masyado yung cellphone ko. Tapos kaliwa't kanang consult. 'Di naman nag-push through. Sayang sa oras! Sayang laway mag-explain. Hay nako.
So ayon, OTy na naman tayo mga mamsh dahil kadahilanan na nag-update ang aking OS at kailangan ko magsend ng letter sa ibang LA for our next content.
Pauwi ako kanina. Sobrang baho ng amoy ng UV. As in nakakasuka yung amoy. Hindi masangsang pero forst time ko makaencounter ng ganong amoy na pabango. Duwal fest. Kaloka.
Nakauwi na naman ako na bedtime na dapat. Medyo gutom ako at hindi ko alam kakainin ko. Narealize ko hindi na ako ganon kaayos. Untrimmed eyebrows, no make up. I'm not even wearing lipstick. Nakakahiya kanina may client akong bumisita. Feeling ko muka akong basura 😭
Texted Vindy na gutom ako. Sabi niya sumama daw ako kasi ihahatid niya si Diane sa work
Kakain dapat kami ng Angel's Burger kaso 'di ko bet yung burger ngayon. So we ended up going home. We talked about their agenda going to Canada. Mamimiss ko sila. Ayan na naman tayo eh. May mangiiwan na naman...
Anyways, ginawa ko nang diary 'tong Tumblr ko. Who cares about my day anyways? 😅 So 'yon. I have to prep for shoot on Wednesday. Beauty rest muna 'ko 😝
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Spoken Word Piece (Draft Submission)
Isa, dalawa, tatlo, magsimula na tayo
Sa ating istoryang nabuo na tila ba may trapiko
Dahil ng ang mga mata ay nagtagpo
Huminto ang bawat minuto, oras at segundo
Mga mata mong nagniningning
Parang isang stop light
Na malayo pa lamang ay kita ko na ang liwanag sa dilim
Kagaya ng liwanag na naibigay mo
Sa mga matang dating nasasaktan at nagdurugo
Masaya? Oo wala ng hihigit pa
Lalo na kung makakatagpo ka ng taong ayaw kang masasaktan pa
Supresa dito, surpresa doon
Wala palang imposible sa taong buo ang puso at damdamin para pasayahin ka
Parang isang kalsada na hindi mo alam kung ano ang mga dadaan pa
Tawanan at kwentuhan, yan ang bumuo sa ating samahan
Init sa byahe ay hindi alintana basta ikaw ang aking masasandalan
Hiling ko lamang ay pagbigyan, na makasama ka pa ng matagalan
Sa daang puno ng kaingayan, pero masayang ikaw ay aking nasilayan
Habang buhay na nga ba o isa na namang panandalian?
Sa Rotonda, kung saan mo ako lagi nakikita
Dun nga rin ba magtatapos ang ating storya?
O dun tayo magsisimula para ibalik ang saya ng kahapong gusto kong maibalik pa?
Mahal, sawa ka na ba? o meron ng ibang nagpapasaya?
Sa mundo mong ako ang bumuo ng masasayang alalaa
Na tanging sakit ang iiwan mo saakin aking sinta
Isa ka nga rin bang jeep na pag puno na ay mangiiwan na?
O isa kang stop light na kahit paulit-ulit ay hindi mapapagod kailanman
Nakakabahala, Nakakatakot na maiwang magisa
Ngunit, ano ang magagawa ko kung saakin mismo ay ayaw mo na?
Pero masaya ako, na isang panaginip lang ang lahat ng ito
Dahil alam ko na hindi mo magagawa na maging isang bula
Sa mundong tayo ang nagsilbing bida, bilang isang hari at reyna
Kalsada na minsang naging parte ng bawat alaala ng sinuman
Maganda man o masama ang kinahinatnan
Ang mahalaga ay patuloy pa rin tayong nagiging matapang
Sa pagsubok ng buhay na tila isang daan sa haba ng ating kailangan puntahan
Ilang jeep pa man ang dumaan, alam ko na ikaw pa rin ang aking tahanan
Pipiliin ka sa araw-araw, maging abo man ang buwan
Salamat sa lahat ng pagmamahal, hayaan mo at ako naman
Ang magbibigay ng ilaw, sa daang mong puno ng kadiliman….
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Para Sa’Yo, Gago
Siguro naaalala mo pa nung una ka naming makilala, Unang araw yon ng eskwela kung tama ang aking pagkakaalala At noong araw din na iyon nagsimula ang istorya, Istorya ninyo ng kaibigan kong mahal ko ng sobra. Ilang araw ang lumipas at umamin ka na Totoo nga at may nararamdaman ka para sakanya, Kaming magbabarkada'y masyadong natuwa, Pagkantyaw sainyo amin na ngang ginawa. Noong una ayos pa ako sa mga pinapakita mo samin, Pero ano tong balitang saakin ay nakarating? Kaibigan ko raw ay inaaway mo? Dahil nagseselos ka sa mga kaklase ninyo. "Anong karapatan mo?" Gusto kong itanong sayo, Pero sarili ko ay pinigilan ko, Dahil ayaw kong masaktan ka kapag tinuloy ko hanggang sa "e wala namang kayo" Lumala pa nga ang sitwasyon, At kahit ako nararamdaman ko yung tension, Kaya't kinailangan na naming gumawa ng aksyon, Bago pa mawalan kayo ng koneksyon. Kinausap ko sya at pilit pinaamin, Oo raw, sayo siya'y may nararamdaman din, Kaya't dali dali sya sayo ay umamin Paglayo mo, kanya daw pipigilin. Nagulat ka sa nangyaring pag-amin. Aaminin ko, maging ako man din, Pero wala akong magagawa kung hindi ang sumuporta, Dahil alam kong sa'yo sya sasaya. Kinausap mo ako, pati na ang buong tropa, "Papatunayan ko yung sarili ko" pangako mo pa, Kaya kami naman ay umasa, Na baka mali nga ang sinasabi nila. Sa amin kasi ay mayroong nakapagsabi "gago" ka raw, babaero pa ang terminology, Pero pinili naming sa iyo ay maniwala, Dahil ayaw namin ang husgahan ka. Pero dumating na ang araw na pinatunayan mo ang iyong sarili, Gago ka nga, akin lang masasabi. Kapal ng muka mo, kaibigan ko pa 'yong sinisisi, Kahit na ikaw naman talaga ang syang lumandi. Hahanap ka na lang ng pamalit, yung kaklase pa talaga ninyo, Natanong ko na lang sa sarili ko, kung alam mo ba yung salitang "respeto" Kasi yung ibang kilala ko, gago lang pero marunong gumalang sa nararamdaman, Nararamdaman ng taong kanyang iniwan. Pero pipilitin ko na pasayahin muli ang kaibigan ko, Sana maging masaya ka rin, diyan sa bago mo, Siguro nga ay hindi naging sapat ang kaibigan ko, Dahil para sayo, mas matimbang ang pusoy dos kesa uno
#tula#kaibigan#gagowagako#wagkami#gago#pusoydos#uno#Pilipino#lamq#moveon#mangiiwan#aar#literatura#philippines#poetry
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Tama yung tropa ko wag mag invest sa babae kasi sa huli pag iniwanan o pinagpalit ka ikaw lang rin ang kawawa at iiyak sa huli.
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Kapag sinasabi na “you should remove all the negative people from your life.”, tama ba yon? What if lahat ng tao ginawa to? What if lahat ng tao tinalikuran yung mga taong “negative” kung tawagin? Sige nga, isipin mo, ano nalang kaya mangyayari don sa mga taong yun? Hindi ba sila nga yung mas nangangailangan ng tulong? They need someone to be there for them to lift them up, tapos tatalikuran sila ng mga taong nabuhay lang para sa sarili nila, para sa ikasasaya nila. I’ve actually read this statement from a very famous TV personality, an influencer. Kasi kung ako, hindi ko gagawin yon. Kung kaibigan kita, kahit gaano ka pa ka-negative, depressed or sad, hindi ako mangiiwan hanggat wala kang ginagawang masama sakin.
Let’s lift each other up, especially those who are in need of more support and encouragement. Wala sanang talikuran at hilahan pababa. Give love more without waiting for anything in return. Just sharing some thoughts. Ang dami ko nanaman kasing naiisip.
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Making the most of the counted days. Isa na namang tropa ang aalis for work abroad. Sigi na nga! Mag plan na rin ako magwork overseas para ako naman yung mangiiwan.
Nauubos yung go-to people ko.
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Ewan ko ba pero mas gusto kong itinataboy yung mga tao palayo sakin. Siguro ayoko lang dumating sa point na sila yung mangiiwan kaya inuunahan ko na lang. 😂
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p a k y u
Matapos mong hindi magparamdam ng ilang araw. Bigla ka na lang magsasabi ng ayaw mo na. E ULOL NA GAGO KA PALA E SANA SINABI MO NA NOON PA
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