Weird Q and A

What do you do when you get weird questions?

After trying out MatchaME around ina's sleepy town last weekend with Vici and my heavy pouch, dad told me: Matulin din pala 'yan noh? Naiwan mo ako. 'Di mo man lang ako nilingon. LOL. Sabi ko naman e tina-try ko siyang linungin pero 'di pa ako sanay kasi onting pihit lang kay MatchaME, medyo wonky talaga siya. Parang manibela lang ng Ecosport namin. LELS. Kidding aside, for the first time, may mga nakita akong folding bikers sa Los Banos then nakita ko rin silang dumaan sa labas ng bahay ng lola ko last weekend. Super liit ng gulong nung iba pero yes, natawid naman nila. Must be the sign na ituloy na ang padyak to San Pedro muna since mas onti ang ahon sa route na 'yun, I think. I spent time with my possibly new anak-anakan na ka-birthday ng bunso kong kapatid. UGH. May bagong salta na naman pero kasi, this baby girl is actually an odd ball in her fam. She's eight years old and siya 'yung almost ka-age nung bunso. She's also the one na mas malala pa tantrums sa akin nung bata ako pati sa kapatid ko. :p She loves pets and she's trying her luck in her new hamsters kasi nakain ng pusa 'yung last hamster niya. Let's call her T. Obviously, she has sepanx kasi dad niya always flies for work. T: 'Di ka matutulog dito? Why? May pasok ako ng Monday. Ikaw rin 'di ba? So, kahit matulog ako dito, 'di rin tayo makakapagkulitan. Balik din ako next time. T: When ka babalik? March most likely. T: Why March? Why not Feb? Aywaw. Feb pa nga pala. Sige. Balik akong Feb. Sorry na. LOL. T: Why is there dog years and human years? Why is Vici old na pero he looks like a puppy pa? Why is his eyes not black anymore? (Nahirapan akong sagutin 'to, honestly.) It's easier to take care of dogs if you know what their human years are. 'Di ba Vici looks like a puppy but he's a lolo na. 11 years may be young in human years, but in dog years, Vici is 77 na so he's likely to have eyes that are not black anymore. He might go blind some time sooner or later, too.

T: Is Vici gonna die? That's for sure, but we don't know when; so, we'd have to make the most of the time we have with him and the time he has for us, too. Okay?

T: Why do you have too many earrings? Because I'm bored and I'm not cool.

T: Why do you have many tattoos? Because I'm bored and I'm not cool.

T: You are cool and not boring. Hahahahaha. Okay. Sabi mo e.

Mhie, ang hirap sagutin ng mga tanong nito at times.

T is pretty much a creative critter which is still an arguable skill set, generally speaking. ;)

Dad naman egged me to watch Instant Father (?) as Netflix ranked it #2 sa feed niya. I gave in, so ayun na nga. Third time to watch niya with me para raw mas magets niya. LELS. Sabi ko, baka naman maluha na naman siya for the third time. Ayun, naluha nga. Was replying to some people in between. Medyo okay naman 'yung movie in general. Mabagal lang pacing for me. Lagi namang ganun mga PH films, so letting that bit go. I had to answer questions din while at it. D: Anak, ganun ba talaga aneurysm? It really depends e. It's like winning a lottery. You may be able to detect it, but addressing it is an entirely different topic. In the film, 'di naman nasabi 'yung extent niya, perhaps, para 'di overwhelming sa mga nanonood lalo 'yung naglalaba or nagluluto while watching.

D: Bakit 'yung kapitbahay natin, naoperahan and na-save? Ganun din talaga 'yun e. 50-50 chances lang talaga siya.

D: Akala ko 'yung tatay 'yung may sakit e. Sabay sila umiinom lagi ng gamot/vitamins. :D LOL. Saka 'yung make up nung anak, medyo pale ng slight. Maganda naman 'yung reveal pero may mga tanong pa rin ako. Let's not go there na lang. Ayokong basagin trip nung mga makers/creators.

D: Anak, dapat 'yung magulang ang mauna talaga. Puwede naman. Puwedeng hindi. Depends talaga, dad e. Circle of life. Lahat naman mamatay. Una-unahan lang talaga.

D: Nak, ako mauuna sa'yo 'di ba? Hahahahahaha. I will try my best para happy ka sa wish mo na 'yan. 'Wag ka mag-worry. Okay naman ako ngayon. :P

D: May puwede bang puntahan ang mga seniors na okay naman na ang buhay? Medyo malungkot mga nagaganap lately. 'Di na tumitigil. Okay naman na ako e. Okay na rin naman na kayo. Huy. May apo ka pang bago. Mag-bike muna kayo ng malala kaya ayusin mo tuhod at balakang mo. Itawid mo muna siya sa ilog at turuan mong lumangoy. Dalhin mo sa Batulao. Ilibot mo sa kung saan-saan.

D: Nak, puwede pa talaga akong magka-apo sa'yo, noh? Kahit dalawa lang. 1 boy, 1 girl. Daddddd, ano na naman 'yan? Dati, wish mo new apo. Ngayon, meron na. Bakit ako? Menopause na ako. Dami ko na nga white hair e.

D: Anong menopause? Sus. Lagi ka nga bumibili ng napkin e. 'Di na lang ako mag-napkin. Ganun na lang. 'Yung bahay-bata ko, akin lang 'to. LOL.

D: Pansin ko, close ka na sa kids ngayon. Since 3 years old because andyan e. Ayoko lang naman ng sanggol kasi baka mahulog ko or manggigil ako ng malala. LOL.

Nagkamustahan din kami nung 4th anak-anakan ko. Actually, kaya ako umuwi is because I wanna check on her irl. Spiral szn na naman as she's waiting for yet another results ng exam. Puro na lang exam.

B: Ate, paano 'pag hindi ako nakapasa? Mag-work ka then mag-try ka ulit. Ganun lang.

B: Ate, bakit kasi ito dream ko? Ewan ko rin sa'yo. Dream mo 'yan e. 'Di siya madali. First in the family. Kaya obviously, super pressure; but, just keep at it.

B: Ate, ang layo pa. Pero malayo na 'di ba? Dati, ayaw mo na. Tinigil mo na, pero andito ka na. Malayo pa nga, pero you're on track.

B: Ate, bakit kasi ang tagal? Ganito... ang balance sheet, 4 years ang need para maging qualified. Ngayon, kung ikaw ay may hawak na vital signs, tingin mo ba 4 years is enough? No 'di ba? Iba-iba lang ng timeline. Try mong magpa-consult sa doc na 4 years ang training. Tignan natin if may magpa-check up sa'yo.

B: Ate, paano mga kapatid ko? Bata pa sila. Bata ka pa rin naman. Pare-pareho lang kayo.

B: Puwede ba mag-work tapos mag-med? Puwede. Try mo. May offer ka naman 'di ba? Malapit pa sa house. Try mo para makita mo difference ng real world sa school life. Dali. Excited na ako.

B: Ate, bakit paulit-ulit na lang 'yung ganito kong feelings? Feelings are valid kahit ano pa 'yan. 'Di naman ako magsasawang ulit-ulitin since 2015 ba? :p Andito lang ako. Kaya diyan ka lang din. Kapit lungs. Tiwala lungs.

B: Ate, kaya ko ba? Depends. Minsan, yes. Minsan, no. Minsan, I don't know. Pero, for sure, kung kaya mo or 'di mo kaya, 100000% support ako, kami sa'yo kahit 'di halata most of the time.

B:Gusto ko na sa Manila. Okay. Sure ka ba? Open naman house ko lagi sa'yo. Punta ka lang. Pasundo kita. BGC tayo ulit para happy ka.

B: When ka Japan? Malapit na. Kaya gawin mo na tat design ko. LOL. Naiinip na ako.

B: 'Pag 'di ko naggawa tat design mo, oks lang ba? Oo naman. Gusto ko lang ma-wear art mo. Saka sakto kasi sa Jap ko nga papaggawa 'yan. Hihihihi. No pressure.

B: Gusto ko rin mag-Japan kaso 'di pa puwede. 'Di pa kaya. Makakapunta ka rin doon soon. ;) Just you wait. Ako nga 34 na ako nakapunta e. So ikaw, before 30, sure akong makakapunta ka na doon. Malay mo, next year na 'di ba? Tuloy mo lang hustle mo.

B: Okay ka lang ba? Hahahahaha. Next question please. Sa susunod ko na lang na uwi kasi limited time lang usap natin.

U-turn, Ur Turn

Bike is always a good excuse lalo 'pag gusto mong budulin tatay mong matigas ang ulo. :p

Gusto kong mag-bike today kaya sabi ko sa tatay ko sumama siya. Nag-request siya na dalhin dalawang bike niya para naman daw 'yung bike rack niya e 'di na lang sampayan ng basahan ng doggos. LOL. Sabi ko ilan ba legs niya. Sabi niya, sige naman na raw para maiba naman. So, pumayag ako para matapos na. May mga quirks talaga tatay ko na 'di ko nage-gets pero okay. Andropause szn is poppin'. Dahil medyo aging na tatay ko, nakalimutan niya 'yung basket bag ni Vici kaya 'di siya nakasama sa kakapurit nating bike sesh sa Vermosa.

Nasa SLEX kami kanina pa-Nuvali kaso sobrang lala ng traffic kaya nag-MCX na lang kami. Gusto rin daw ni dad pakita ang ganda ng Vermosa. Me: Eto na 'yun? LOL. Mahangin at may ilang bikers din naman. I can't help but overhear a number of kwentuhans kasi ang lakas ng usapan sa kabilang table. I think, matagal-tagal silang 'di nagkita. Usapang high school and college ng mga taga-UP Baguio at LB. Varsity life. UP Fair. Landian na wholesome lang at iba pa. I think, ka-age group ko sila or not super old pa. Kung gaano kakaiba 'yung generation nila noon at ngayon. Saka kung gaano sila ka-gentleman. 'Yung RBF ko buti naka-shades, naka-cap. Muntik na nga akong mailing. I think 'yung pinaka-awaw sharing is 'yung "ang liit namang kasi ng nasa Strava sa watch mo" pare or something like that. Tacca. Pukpok ko 'yan sa'yo e or mag-glasses or contact lenses ka kasi. Compare pa sila ng distance e. LOL. Most likely mga taga-North itong tatlong itlog na 'to kasi mga almost 100KM and parang pauwi na sila kanina. Nagkamustahan din tungkol sa mga chixxx nila with a mention na maputi na buhok nila. LOL.

Hayyyymen. Buti, karga ko si Vici kaya sa kanya na lang ako nakatingin. Nakakatawa at nakakatuwa talagang pakinggan chizmizan ng mga XY. Sobrang simple lang. Straight up lang. Namiss ko tuloy mga tropa kong XY na legit super sarap kakwentuhan. :D Parang lahat din kasi may asawa na if I'm not mistaken kaya syempre, family first. Always. Welcome naman ako sa mga bahay nila anytime, kaya ako na naman. I'm the problem. Ittttmiiiii. :p

Syempre, napansin ng tatay ko mga bikes nila. Nakalimutan ko na 'yung name ng isang bike. Ogler na naman siya e. Puro carbon 'di umano. Me: 'Di ko napansin e. Pero wala silang peaches, so pass. CHOZ. Sabi pa ng tatay kong magaling: Akala yata nila, pep squad ka. 'Yung inaapakan ng mga initicha sa ere. Me: Tacca, dad. 'Di man lang swim team? LOL. Tatay ko talaga, aba. Sumisibat.

Before kami nag-Vermosa, dumaan muna kami kay mother dragon. Nakatayo na 'yung condo sa tabi ng spot niya sa Manila Mem. Sabi ng tatay ko, bilhan ko raw siya ng condo na overlooking spot ng mom ko. Sabi ko naman, tumigil siya kasi wala tayong funds and ayoko ng condo living lalo sa Sucat road. Then, naisipan kong tanungin 'yung PT doc na mga 1 to 2 months ko ng sinasabi sa kanya. Syempre, wala siyang galawan kahit na kitang-kita kong naha-hassle na siya sa pag-akyat baba sa napaka iksi naming hagdanan. Nakakapag-bike pa naman siya pero may something weird. 'Di na siya malayo mag-bike tapos excuse niya, mainit daw. Hello, sweater weather kaya madalas ngayon sa Manila. Kahit nung umuwi siya sa Laguna ng 1 week, 'di rin naka-bike kasi nga raw masakit 'yung hips niya.

Thankfully, pasok sa sched ni doc. As in walang waiting time kasi sa BF Par lang. Gusto ko 'tong doc na 'to kasi biker din siya tapos may dog din siya. Parang 'yung last consult namin, mga 30 minutes kaming naguusap about biking and dogs. Sabi ko, doc, baka naman tipirin mo na consult time ko. Sabi niya, oks lang kahit 1 hour plus kami mag-usap. OPAK. Bait ni doc, in fairness. So, tiwala akong maalagaan niya tatay ko, saka may common grounds na rin sila. Nakaka-agit deep inside kasing tatay ko hirap maglakad at times. Ayoko siyang nakikitang in pain kasi sabi ko nga, gusto ko, happy, healthy and hopeful ang old age niya. Sana, makasama ko pa siya ng mas matagal and while at it, 'yung quality of life niya e ayun sa nararapat.

And then... poof! Natuwa tatay ko sa diagnosis. Buti nga, 'di niya ako initan ng ulo kasi fight mode ako if mag-resist siya. Headlock ko pa siya e. Hahaha. Sabi niya: 'Nak, nawala na 'yung masakit agad. Sabi ni doc, therapy and painkillers lang daw and rehab. So ayun na nga. Mission One Accomplished. Syempre, to break the ice, since naka-shirt si dad ng Trek today, tinanong siya ni Doc, anong bike niya. Ayoko pa rin talaga ng mga shirts niya na may tatak. UGH. Para siyang salesman ng mga bike pero ako rin naman bumili sa Lazada para ma-check ko kung oks ba quality based sa mga reviews. Complete na niya line up ng lahat ng bikes niya. Santa Cruz dream bike na lang niya kulang. LOL. Kung papayag 'to ng XS frame, baka ma-consider ko pa e. Kaso, hindi ubra. Hindi pa.

Next step, papa-executive check up ko siya sa ayaw niya't gusto. 'Di ko pa lang alam paano ko siya gugulatin pero timing lang talaga at tiwala ang sagot. Super thankful din ako na walang major findings and sabi nga ni doc, better na prevention rather than cure. Sabi ko nga kay dad, 'wag niya na akong gayahin na inantay ko pang maging level 8 ang pain bago nag-seek ng help.

Sabi ni dad: 'Nak, mag-practice na ba akong e-bike or bike na tatlong gulong or wheelchair? Me: Vespa muna. CHOZ. Darating ka rin dun, pero 'wag muna. Kaya magpa-rehab ka na. Mabilis lang 'yan. Promise. Kung 'di, pitpitin ko talaga mga bike mo. 'Di mo na rin masasabit 'yang Bianchi mo sa bahay ko. Bawal ka na ring pumasok doon. Papaharang kita sa guard.

Hassle lang 'yung online consult kasi para sa seniors, syempre, 'di siya madaling gawin. Sabi ni dad, 'yung prescription sent na raw sa akin. For millennials naman like me, mas madaling ma-track 'yung mga consults, diagnosis and consults ng mga boomer parentals 'pag ganito. So, ayun na lang muna for today. Bukas na lang ulit. Luto muna and labada and tiklop ng mga damit at iba pa.

u got gut?

How's your poo? This may be the next thing I'd ask.

That feeling you get when your gut grumbles or pulls you in a really crazy way, that's called gut instinct. There's a whole lot of debate about when to trust your gut and when not to do so, perhaps, a standout fact is that your gut has its own nervous system. Read more about it here, jicymi or you're dead bored. :P

Since mother dragon expired, I solemnly believe that viral infection is the silent plague of this generation and the next ones. Imagine? Just one UTI case led to various variants of GBS. I call the family of GBS the new age diseases. While I also look at biochem warfare as the next most popping era because it's easy to roll out and scale up, I'm always on my toes about anything concerning infection.

No, I'm not a germaphobe. Mom was. No, I don't dabble with taking any supplements and the works. I guess living in a third world country all my life, things are pretty simple. You are what you eat. You are what you repeat. Palawan hiatus is actually a strong player here. While it's still a city, walking and eating better are more easily integrated to my daily grind. There's a meme that says: Dali maglakad pa-summit kahit nakakapagod, pero 'pag sa Manila, isang kanto lang, naka-Grab ka pa. Guilty as charged.

Gut health is something so underrated and even dismissed. Sino ba namang matinong maguusap about the number of times mag-poo sa isang araw? Sino ba namang matinong magtatanong at sasagot kung Level 1 or Level 7 ka ba? Funny to think na ika-proud mong Level 5 ka most of the time 'di ba? Pero, I guess, it's time to talk about this bitch because it's essential. Taboo lang talaga. But, we're here and now na e.

I can go on and on sa poo stories ko pero 'wag na muna. TMI. IRL na lang or DM. :p Will continue this later because we're doing a Temple Run kind of day today. ;)

8 Sundays

What will you do if you get 8 Sundays a month?

Dad rewatched Seven Sundays as a Netflix weekend warrior. I asked him why on earth he rewatched this. He even shared it to his siblings via GC. LUH. Dad has been worried about how 2024 has been going to think it's just January. I laughed and consoled him in the best way I can. So as long as we're able to afford the AC, pay the bills, look after the doggo babes and bike around, we're doing okay.

Dad has been more sentimental the past year. LOL. I cannot. CHOZ lang. I told him that it's because death, sickness and life shit balls are coming more and more because we're aging. It's not easy, but, we've come a long way after losing mother dragon, so, I guess, we're a bit wiser. He is slowly realizing that we didn't grieve the right way, but, it's okay. We're here and now; and I guess, we're also in a better stance because we're able to talk about this chapter we tried to override. Hahaha. Oh, boomer parentals! You fuckers. I told him that a child losing his/her mother is gonna be a game-changing feat a good number of times; but, now, it's sinking within him.

Natatawa pa rin ako 'pag naluluha siya out of nowhere. Hahaha. But, I say this with compassion and peace. I am trying my very best to be there for him lalo when he has a new apo na ambilis lumaki. Sana makapag-bike na kami netong batang ito soon. Para madapa na at masugatan at matuto ng takbo ng tunay na buhay pero in a free play, free verse kind of vibe as a tita sa tabi-tabi tayo. Dad asked me if I'd look after his new apo. Sabi ko no. Never. LOL. Syempre, low-key tayo e.

My brother updated me about his kidney kagulo. Syempre, anxiety levels 1000000 siya. Told him to take it easy lang din and just ask the right questions so that he'd be able to look after himself better. Funny how he sat beside one kidney patient who shared that one kidney is going strong as a senior. Not bad, I said. Kaya naman mabuhay ng isang kidney lang talaga e. LOL. I know that more than the results, my brother is so worried as a dad of two growing kiddos. I really hope that he lives up to the expectation na 'di based sa standards ng society na obviously, too glossed and masyadong maraming echos. May he be in his best shape and size. Hahahaha.

Longevity is the key muna as a baseline talaga e. Paano ka magaalaga kung ikaw ay alagaain? Paano? While funds naman talaga is #1, naniniwala akong best health is the true #1. Tignan mo 'yung mga saks lang or sadsad lang sa buhay na walang medical condition, payak pero push. 'Di naman din 'yan about sa dami ng meron ka, andun 'yan sa kung anong ginagawa mo sa meron ka. Ako lang naman 'yun. Ibang usapan naman din 'yung tuition at iba pang kaganapan sa usapang buhay pamilya. '

Yung school naman, for me lang a, wala sa exclusive or non-exclusive 'yan. Kasi the best classroom is the classroom outside school. Ako lang ulit 'yun. Not forcing it on anyone. Social skills, hard skills and soft skills talaga ang labanan sa totoong buhay. Pati life na analog and digital. Ako lang ulit 'yun based sa mga nakikita ko at nakukwento sa akin. Pati nga college degree ngayon even grad school, in question na rin given sobrang daming kaganapan sa mundong ibabaw.

Tinanong kasi ako kung anong magandang course ng panganay nila sa college. Sabi ko malay ko ba. Hahahaha. Kidding aside, sabi ko, tignan nila anong skills ni panganay and angle nila sa course na may laban sa advent of AI. 'Yun lang talaga. And if kaya, expose panganay to more social spaces kung saan mate-test paano siya mag-interact and mag-adapt. Maka-advice akala mo may anak ako e, ano po. :D Hirap sumagot ng 'di ko naman takada talaga kaso wala e. Nag-caveat naman akong eto e opinyon ko lamang since tinanong ako.

I'll continue to be the low-key Ate as much as I can. Parang spare tire lang e. :p But, I'm also trying my best to let my brother learn at his own pace since he married. He has to earn his stripes no matter how tough it gets. His kids are looking up to him, so, he has to shape up talaga. Hoping that his lab results will tell him that everything's fine and that he just needs to look after himself better and faster. Let's see! Gusto ko na ring malaman ano ang totoong lagay para matawid na 'to ASAP. Pupunta pa akong Japan e. :P

Tawang-tawa ako kasi the doctor asked him if he carried something heavy nung nagka-blood wiwi niya. 'Yung anak lang daw niya kinarga niya. LOL. Sabi ko, am na lang painom kay bunso para gumaan as a batang may laban. CHOZ. 'Di madali maging ama lalo na sa panahon ngayon talaga. E nasaktuhan pang may bagong bagets so mas nakakatuliro. Aso ko nga 'pag may something, sobrang affected ako e. Bata pa kaya 'di ba? Saka dogs short-lived lives lang. Bata, syempre, gusto mo makita mong mag-grow into a decent adult.

Ayun lang naman forda boys in my life. :) Andun na rin ako sa point na 'di na ako masyadong agit when I hear their hanash. Valid naman e. 'Di kasi talaga ako ma-share ng problems and ganaps ko kaya nung nikwento ko sa kapatid ko 'yung 2019 colonscopy era ko I did on my own end to end, nagulat. Bakit daw 'di ko sinabi. Sabi ko naman: Ngayon ko lang sinabi para alam mong may mga pinagdadaanan talagang health stuff kasi it comes with age; and that, pink na pink po ang ating colon bilang stress-induced gastritis which means lifestyle change lang ang reco ni acclang doc. :P Sabi ko rin taasan muna niya dose ng anti-anxiety meds niya since okay lang naman din sabi ng doc lalo 'pag may mga pivots na anxiety-inducing. Sana makinig. Abangan!

I don't see these pakawala ng mga ganaps ng boys in my life as problems na malala. Realities lang talaga ito. Part of growing up and growing old. Sana ganun din nila tignan. O baka jaded na naman ako. LOL. LUH.

Kung may 8 Sundays a month ako, anong gagawin ko? Outside Manila syempre. Saka more time for the things I love most. 'Yun lang.

I love how the sun this morning brings a soft glow in our tiny Manila home. Iba e. Tama nga siguro nanay ko. Get a house na facing the sunrise. :) I love how my doggo babes are calmer na rin. I love how my Mumford & Sons Radio PL is giving kalma mo lang, gurl vibes. NP: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer. Opakkkk. Ayus e. Hahaha. I love how Vidi's anxiety is at bay, too. Dun na lang muna tayo sa tiny details na worthwhile mag-pause for for now. Can't wait to go out of Manila kahit saglit!!! <3

BerduGoals

What happens when a berdugo spoils a passenger princess?

Last weekend, dad asked me about a specific photo that he can't find. Syempre, since onti lang naman printed photos ng pamilya ko, I told him that mother dragon most likely rearranged the photos during her bored times at home. Gusto raw niya pakita 'yung misadventures ng kapatid ko noong kabataan niya. I was so bored to look for it, but, sige. Todo pilit tatay ko e. LELS. We found it naman, but, we also stumbled upon photos of the past I don't want to look at, mostly.

A curious unearthed photo was with me and my towering Tito Taurus. Funny kasi 'yung suot ko sa pic, kasya pa rin sa akin hanggang ngayon. I think Grade 4 ako nun, so alam na, thicc girl talaga ako since birth. Actually, nung recent visit namin sa house nina Tito ko, suot ko 'tong damit na 'to. Syempre, lahat nagulat. 'Di na raw ako nabago since grade school. LUH. :(( Hahahaha.

Tito does not like photos, parang ako, so nagulat ako. I think mom took this photo and sapilitan pa. Tito wore a basic white shirt, undershirt and chinos with his ever reliable belt. He had his arm extended kasi parang sa church ata ito na event na 'di ko na matandaan. Gah. That photo. Parang 'yun lang photo namin na magkasama lang kami dalawa. The good times na wala pang complications ang aming mala-mag-amang dynamics.

So, here we are. It's weird to realize that perhaps the reason why I don't get intimidated by any XY on earth is because my tito is the benchmark. Also, I don't get impressed a lot because this berdugo spoiled me a lot without me knowing. Very practical tito ko. Kuripot pero wagas naman manggulat. 'Di kasi ako mahilig sa surprise, so sa gulatan lang niya ako nakukuha. LOL. I remember his super silent pero sapul spoiled me paganaps.

'Yung favorite kong chocolates since ayoko nga ng Snickers, Mars and the super umay sweet ones, lagi't lagi akong may isang bar. So I grew up getting Whatchamacallit, Reese's, Butterfinger, white Toblerone and Hershey's Cookies and Creme. Kahit may pa-Duty Free siyang isang bag na chocolate na pasalubong, meron akong chocolates na akin lang. LOL. Wala pang matcha noon, so, 'yan talaga ang go-to ko.

'Pag may pasalubong siyang items like Swatch or rubber shoes, ako una niya pinapapapili. Hahahaha. Shemay. Kahihiyan. Ano ba? Syempre, nahihiya ako, pero wala e. 'Pag sinabi niya pili, kailangang pumili kasi nao-offend siya 'pag 'di ako pumili agad. I remember there's this blue and mint green Swatch na favorite ko and if makita ko siya sa Swatch ngayon, malamang bibilhin ko 'yun. Sana maalala ko 'yung mismong design.

Tito likes how I dress up kasi nga quirky ako since birth. LOL. He has this smirk 'pag aalis kami. Para siyang proud tatay na may anak na pangrampa. 'Di ko ako maganda pero Tito made me feel like a princess so wala talaga akong pake sa iba kasi they don't matter. :p For the record, mother dragon-approved lahat ng damit nung bata ako kasi mala-Sunday brunch-church vibes mostly itong era ko na 'to. How quirky am I noon? Favorite kong damit is 'yung striped pleated white denim midi skirt ko na 'yung stripes na hindi pastel. That paired with a red nautical top na malaki 'yung collar tapos need mo i-tie sa front part. Hassle i-explain. Basta 'yun. Tapos may wide headband ako. Sa SM lang namin binili 'yun tapos sale pa. LOL. Pamasko, pang-program sa school, pang-part, pansimba, at iba ko 'yung OOTD ko na 'yun. Syempre, naka-rubber shoes ako. LOL.

Tito also spoiled me one time ng malala. Tinanong lang niya ako if may cellphone ako. Sabi ko wala kasi 'di ko naman need. Mga grade school ako noon. Syempre, wala naman kaming pambili so, wala siya sa dream items ko. Nasa pager era at swim team dream pa rin ako noon e, kaso ekis na rin kasi wala din kaming budget. One day, he handed ma a paper bag and poof. May phone sa loob. Sabi ko malalagot ako sa nanay at tatay ko kasi 'di ko naman nga need ng phone. Binalik ko sa kanya 'yung paper bag with the phone. Sabi niya, para raw may katext siya. Hahahahaha. Iba rin. Inuwi ko 'yung phone tapos pinagalitan ako ng malala. Sabi ko naman, 'di ko hiningi 'yun at all. Sabi ng nanay ko, 'yung tito ko, maparaan. Pati dad ko, nagalit. Sabi naman ng tito ko, hayaan ko na lang daw and ibalik ko na lang phone ko sa kanya 'pag nabilhan na ako ng magulang ko. Ugh. Looking back, may dynamics talaga pala si Tito sa growing up years ko. Silent lang. Sapul and sagad lang.

'Di materialistic tito ko except sa black cars na heavily tinted ang windows. As in. Tawang-tawa siya 'pag pinapakita niya wallet niya kasi ayaw niya palitan, at all. Need lang niya ng custom clothes kasi nga malaki build niya at wala masyadong kasya sa kanya kasi matangkad siya. Siguro, love language niya, gulatan. Ganun.

Siya 'yung tito kong dahilan bakit passenger princess goals na ako ngayon. LOL. Pero malay natin, mabago pa 'di ba? Pero, seryoso. Sa mga roadtrips namin as a workaholic siya. 'Pag may unlicalls siya for work, kikindat pa 'yan. Tapos magpapakawala ng kaangasan sa mga kausap niya. Tapos, pag naka-hold 'yung call, magso-sorry 'yan kasi busy siya. Nasanay na ako saka enjoy din naman akong panoorin at pakinggan banters niya. Gago siya like that. He found immense joy in irking people a lot. Damay sa pagiging workaholic niya ng malala. Lels. So many times niya sinabi na, Ayus ba, neng? Pasensya ka na sa Tito mo a. 'Yung kagaguhan ng tito ko, silent din pero sapul at sagad. Kasi tankbuild siya as umaakyat mismo sa mga bundok and lusong lahar levels irl. :p Damnnn. Syempre, kahit gusto ko sumama, 'pag ganito, bawal ako.

Speaking of how low-key my tito is when he's off his calls and his brimming work-work-work calendar, 'yung pinaka gusto kong bonding namin is over tutong na kanin, papaitan, tuyo and/or pangat na isda sa tabing-daan or sa bahay. Taas paa pa kami niyan and nakakamay kumain. LOL. Syempre, akin belly most of the time. LOL. Saka ulo ng isda pero may times na binibigay ko na lang sa kanya lalo 'pag mainit ulo niya sa lahat.

Most importantly, tito never let me go during the time when I had to take mom to PGH because her previous hospital is not giving at all. Sobrang test of shitshumzzz ito kasi sobrang tough niya sa akin dito. Since stockholders sila sa hospital, he just needed to lift a finger to get things done, pero no. Side note: Late niya ni-reveal na stockholders sila so gulat ako e. 'Di ba? Consistent siyang manggulat. May part akong gusto ko siyang bigwasan at sampalin kasi puwede naman palang mag-step in siya, pero no. Inisip ko rin, baka he sided with the hospital because syempre, image nung ni-investan niya ang nakakasangkalan just in case may mangyaring 'di maganda sa mom ko. LUH. Hahahaha. Overthinker since birth po tayo, opo.

Tinanong niya ako ng malala anong gusto kong mangyari at paano. At kung sure ba akong kaya kong i-risk na madeds mom ko since super critical na nung condition niya. He reminded me na pag-labas ng hospital ni mom, wala na liability 'yung hospital. Kahit 'di ako sure, sabi ko oo. Hahahaha. Wala e. Ganun talaga sagot ko, i-risk ko na kesa walang maganap. And then, he lifted a finger and things went my way. LOL. Shemay. Ang lala kasi sobrang bata ko pa noon kaya wala talaga. Para akong malalang delulu. Naubos na yata grit ko e dahil sa life chapter na 'to. CHOZ.

Tito told me that it's not gonna be easy sa PGH pero natawid ko. Natawid namin. Nalipat naman si mom and naalagaan decently. Tito is always under the radar. Kinakamusta ako at ang mga kaganapan. Magsabi lang daw ako kasi busy man siya, he'd make time and things happen. Sabi ko naman, hanggang kaya ko, itatawid ko pero diyan lang siya sa tabi-tabi para just in case. Kindat na naman inabot ko. LOL.

Siguro, kaya ko naalala tito ko is because I'm at the point where hinahanap ko 'yung dati kong grit, gana and grace. 'Yung from within. 'Yung legit. 'Yung todo. Syempre, life and death naman kasi 'yun kaya I needed to friggin' wing it. May this be a reminder that even when nasagad ako noon ng malala, I may still have it. And I may still want it. I may still need that kind of fight mode. 'Di 'yung gigil, pero 'yung kahit impossible, nagagawaan ng paraan kahit ano, kahit sino, kahit saan. Siguro, ito na 'yung time na mas maging intentional ako para sa sarili ko since 'di pa rin ako sanay na inuuna ko 'yung ako saka mga para sa akin. LUH. Hassle sabihin pero ganun talaga e. 'Di siya madali, pero as a Caterpie princess Fiona, sana mapadpad ako sa ganitong side ko ulit. Actually, may mga glimmers naman. 'Di lang ako sanay sa rewiring, pero andito na tayo e... forda life outside Manila 'pag may time.

NP: Suitcase, Joe Purdy (random na naman pero ems, luhhh)

Sinta

Indang is never gonna be the same without Inang Sinta's RBF and red nails, especially on summer's pistang bayan.

The RBF and the red nails are passed down from my Inang Sinta, the mom of mother dragon. Whenever it's pista during May, these ladies headlock a lot. LOL. Mother Dragon never fails to come home and get her OCD in full throttle. Sinta never budged. Watching them argue is much like seeing me and mom engage in a laughable disagreement. However, mom told me that what separates her mothering from that of her mother's mothering is this: Sinta is so selfish and mom is so selfless. I laughed so many times when mom shared this bit. My mom is a daddy's girl and I did get the reason why Sinta tended to be jealous of their dynamics. Mom and Sinta looked too alike: white hair, RBF, short, big boobs, great legs. Para silang pinagbiyak na atis. Atis and guyabano are their favorite fruits, too. Their tone and their stature (aka angas and sungit) are the same, too.

The redeeming factor of Sinta is that she cooks really, really, really well. Mom was nowhere near Sinta's cooking prowess. How well did Sinta cook? She's requested by a good number of ka-barrio and kabilang ka-barrio to cook. She didn't charge since she had pension from my Amang Pio, my departed lolo, a war veteran. She did the cooking very meticulously, almost OC. Hahahaha. I grew up watching her cook her staples: menudo, mechado, caldereta, atchara and the like; but what I liked best are her versions of ube halaya and morcon. Damn. That combo still haunts me beautifully and wala pa akong natikman na anywhere near her versions of these two.

Sinta's ube halaya is pure ube. Almost black. She does this by hand. JUSQ. Pahirap kung pahirap siya sa sarili. She filled fish-shaped big ass plates with margarine at the bottom then slapped smooth, chewy ube. Ansarap talaga. Kunat level na kakapit sa gilagid mo and would just melt. 'Yung morcon, wild. 'Yung sarsa ang game-changer. Sarsa pa lang, ulam na. 'Yung pagkatali niya, sobrang ganda. 'Yung meat niya and stuffing sobrang legit. Basta. Ansarap. 'Di ko siya maexplain pero even the expensive and lutong-bahay versions of morcon I've tested are no match. Baka sa Spain na lang ma-test? CHOZ. LUH.

Sinta is super sungit na lola pero 'pag naglambing, iba rin naman. LOL. She gifted me with pakimkim 'pag nanalo siya sa sugal, her favorite pastime. Of course, mother dragon abhors all forms of sugal since forever, kaya, syempre, mom will lash out on me whenever she discovered I accepted Sinta's pakimkim. There'd be times when she'd shove the pakimkim on Sinta's tukador. Que horror, senyor!

Sinta never failed to feed me good food when I'm in her humble home. All out kung all out because we're rarely visiting. Whenever she gets her nails painted in red, I watch her face soften and smile a small smile. She asked me one time during my toddler year if I wanted to get red nails. Syempre, I said yes. And poof. Galit woman na naman mother dragon ko. Hahahaha. Minsan talaga, ina-agit ko lang nanay ko para makita ko sila mag-daragan ng nanay niya kasi sobrang petty talaga nila mag-headlock most of the time. LOL.

What's funny though is that, mom had red nails most of her life if not nude, brown or deep purple. After my first red nails, mother dragon allowed me to get colored nails na rin since she's a fan din naman talaga. LOL. Ayus 'to e. Naglalaba pero naka-manicure na siya malimit nagma-manicure sa sarili niya e. I wondered how she was able to squeeze that in her busy schedule, honestly.

Sinta's rare touch, smiles and laughs made me see that after all, she's human. She just had such a strong head and super square shoulder. When she got sick during her 70+ years, I saw how mom felt so low. She didn't cry, but I witnessed how she truly cared for her mom. She told me that Sinta is not getting any better and that her mom is the ultimate pasaway na takas ng takas sa lahat. She rarely went on check ups kasi gastos lang daw. True naman 'yun, but mom tried her best to provide. Ayaw kasi ipagalaw ni Sinta 'yung pension niya because sugal is lifer. For the record, sugal ni Sinta is just basic. LOL. Pero high roller din 'to e. Maybe that's the reason why I suck even in Lucky Nine or Ungguyan. I don't even know how to play Poker but I remember enjoying mahjong with my cousins sa side ni dad. Syempre, galit woman na naman nanay ko, kaya tinigilan ko na kahit wala namang pustahan involved.

Sinta eventually weakened and during her last summer which falls under pista sa barrio namin sa Indang, she got her nails painted in red. She even had her short hair shaped so well. I love her super white hair. As in. Mom ko kasi, white and black na she called salt and pepper hair color. Sinta prettified herself and was down with fever which is out of her character. Pista is her A-game season talaga; so I knew something was so wrong. I waited patiently for her to recover and bounce back since she got a big pig that was being slaughtered sa bakuran namin. I waited a bit more and was called by one of my cousins. I was surprised to see Sinta breathing her last breaths that summer morning. I was in grade school then, I think, if not Prep.

I didn't even get the memo that I'd be part of this scene. Mom hugged me tightly, but she never covered or shielded my eye. Medyo masakit 'yung yakap niya or baka 'di lang ako sanay that my Taurus mom is hugging me. Hahahaha. Kidding aside, I was in shock. Nasa morcon and ube halaya A-game season ni Sinta pa ako e. I saw Sinta's chest fall and never rise again. I touched her wrinkled arms and felt its coldness. She didn't move. She didn't budge. Her face was RBF and peaceful.

Mom didn't cry much except for the time when she was up in the pulpit as she was the spokesperson of the family. Aba. Nag-buckle si accla. I was so surprised because mom rarely cried talaga during this era. Dad waited for her to come down and comforted mom. Hihihihihihi. Gulat man din dad ko e. 'Di raw niya expected mag-buckle mom ko. LOL. Strong and independent kasi talaga siya. As in.

Mom confessed that she loved Sinta so much from a distance. She told me that if she could turn back time, she'd drag her mother to the doctor and watch her down her meds. Sinta loved to skip her med time. Hahahaha. Very Sinta. Mom felt that she didn't take care of Sinta well enough. I told her that she did her best even if her best wasn't good enough. Again, grade school ako nito. LOL. I didn't grow up kasi na may baby talk e. I told her that Sinta is too tough, too childish, too picky, too sneaky. Ganun talaga.

Sinta is never a villain in my book. I actually love her talaga from a safe distance, too. Takot ako mapalo or mapagalitan e. Ganun vibe niya, pero she really has a soft side that I can't unsee. I love Sinta and the reason why I'm trying to slay my silver hair is because I want her and mother dragon's mothering to be with me, syempre, tanggal 'yung toxic vibes sa bit na 'to in as much as I can. I'm getting more and more white hair these days, but honestly, ambagal. Sinta's white hair was with her since baby ako. Mom's super nice black and white hair was with her mga 40s siya, so sa Piandre na lang muna tayo magtitiwala at magtatawid ng ganitong kulay na 'di madaling ma-achieve.

These two un-gentle women in my life are my sheroes. <3 They're messy, wild and weird. However, they have this signature way of making me feel loved talaga. I know that I can call both of them home. Perhaps, 'yung pinnacle ng dynamics or relationship naming three was when I had this lucid dream where mother dragon, Sinta ang my Lola Tanting and Lola Tipay are at the back of an SUV. Nasa driver's seat ako. LOL. I saw them all from the rear view mirror. Sobrang RBF smiles sila and looked at me as though they don't give a fuck. This lucid dream happened during the time when mom died and I was asking God if happy na mom ko. LOL. Ayun. Ang sakit at ang sagad ng sagot. I needed that solid answer talaga. Hirap lang.

My attempt to cook is actually me missing Sinta and mother dragon and our mutual weirdness. :D I can never be as good as Sinta sa kitchen, but, I'm kinda decent. Tamad lang maghugas ng pinaglutuan. LOL.

Actually, I was asked yesterday about my grey hair. If sadya ba or not; kaya naisip ko si Sinta. LOL. May this season of grey hair be one that would allow me to inch forward more and more. May this season also be a celebration of vulnerability and true love that comes from within. LUH. Hahahaha. Soft yarn with red nails and baon na may times na akala mo may pista? I guess, it's a yes kahit 'di halata. :p Unti-unti.

My 4th nak-anakans, favorite band ever is in the PL today though Ariana is looping like crazy because I miss her a lot. Can't wait for Wicked even when she's in the middle of a "cheating" chizmiz which I hope is but a PR ploy.

Southern Blend

The chirping cicadas and the madre de cacao blooms are pretty and pretty curious, too.

Finally able to squeeze in a trip somewhere near Tagaytay yesterday. Since mother dragon's hometown is in Indang, I guess, every time I pass by Emilio Aguinaldo Highway, I feel like I'm coming home to her, too. Never mind the traffic caused by yet another road repair. This time around, I'm a bit wiser and a bit grown up, too.

Dad has been rarely home since he's going to and from ina's house; so, I asked him to drive me. We had brunch in Cafe Agapita because I need to take meds and missed the pancake sandwich which is my favorite quick meal for road trips especially during weekends. I brought dad and Vici there because I'd know that they'd like this spot. Cafe Agapita used to be small and overlooked. I was told that the owner, the lola started with a tiny catering business that served small and big events. Dad was actually surprised to see that there's a cafe that's super pet-friendly and where bikers come and go, too. LOL. Puro kasi Tags alam neto saka Nuvali. He teased me: Bakit ngayon mo lang ako dinala dito, 'nak? Me: Walang masayadong tao today kasi saka iinom na ako ng gamot and sakto na andito tayo. Dad: Aba. Nag-drive lang ako, may libreng meal pa kami ni Vici. LOL. Simple joys and asaran talaga. Anyway, I don't know where the crowd is kahapon, but I have this inkling that they avoided this route because of heavy traffic. :p Saks traffic lang talaga and though the bikers are not too many, decent mga bikes nila. LOL. Wala lang akong makitang B. Sabi ni dad: E paano, aayaw sa unli ahon. Me: E bakit si Mekaniko Martilyo, kaya naman folding bike a. :P Hahahahaha. Dad ogled of course. Ganun talaga siya e. Sabi ko, bago siya magsuot ng proper biker attire, magpapayat muna siya. LOLOLLOLL. Wala na raw siyang pag-asa. Hahaha. May mga bikers who greeted Vici and I. 'Pag weekends, I try to lessen small talks talaga. Ako lang 'yun a. So, na-stress lang ako kasi may humawak pa kay Vici agad without asking permission. I actually took a step back and said: 'Di pa siya naliligo. Hahahahahaha. LOL. Oks lang daw. Lol. So, ending... exit ako agad. Stress lang ako kasi may auto-immune condition nga si Vici. 'Yung lang talaga 'yun. Pero sobrang happy siya when he's out and about. Dad told me that si Vici lang talaga reason why lumalabas ako 'pag nasa Manila which I agreed with naman.

I told dad that the best time to come by Cafe Agapita is weekdays talaga. Sumaktong wala lang tao kahapon and the crowd can get "kagulo" kasi marami nga talagang tao dito sa spot na 'to on a usual weekend. Food: 6.5/10. Okay 'yung concept. Super duper generous servings BUT it can be better. As an example, 'yung rice ng Twice Adobo is medyo malata. And it's not warm. 'Di ko sure kung ang attempt ba nila is to have that rustic feel, pero 'pag balmy weather, warm food is comforting talaga. But, the addition of the dried fish and the well done salad saved the dish. This dish actually reminds me of a typical almusal after the fiesta sa bahay ni Inang Sinta, my mom's mother. So baka nga ganun 'yung vibe nitong dish na 'to. Mushroom soup has a variety of mushrooms BUT hindi lumabas 'yung umami which could have been done by slight caramelization and onion and garlic. Pero gets ko naman kasi price point-wise, super goods na siya. What I got was the croissant stuffed with chicken salad. I like croissant. I like salad. Hindi super duper flaky ng croissant pero again, price-wise, ang laki nung serving. 'Di pa ako nakaka-one bite, busog na ako. It came with potato wedges. Oks naman pero lacks flavor din. Again, 'di warm 'yung potato wedges so, it's dull for me. Maganda kasi may contrast ng cold salad and warm/hot potatoes, right? Sabi syempre ni dad, grabe naman daw ako mag-rate; but, he gets it. The best part about Cafe Agapita? A-game sa pag-treat kay Vici. We got the seats in the third floor of the original wooden house and they allowed Vici to sit on the chair. HUHUHUHU. Then, they gave Vici iced water to drink. Happy rin si Vici to roam around the vast grounds. So, for that, 7/10 overall rating ko sa kanila. Wala akong nakitang pet food sa menu so ask ko na lang din next time if meron; though Vici had a few bites of adobo and croissant.

And then, I went to visit my not so secret spot. :) Natuwa din tatay ko. Bili raw siya ng lupa niya doon. Sabi ko, mag-rent na lang siya. AYWWAW. Hahahaha. Sabi ko hinay lang. Unti-unti lang. I dunno but 'pag nasa South side talaga ako, iba. As in. :) It's so calming to think na overthinker ako ng malala. And, though it's gonna be a long and winding road na unliahon, I know so well that I'm on the right track. 'Yung kahit sobrang daming 'di tiyak sa mundo, may uuwian ako na masasabi kong dito ako at home and at peace. South, you are a wonder and you make me wander. I'm seeing you more and more frequently this 2024. And syempre, with my clunky MatchaME and Vici, let's get this on and on and on. Bawal makalas ang tuhod at balakang at iba pang body parts. :) Kapit lungs because we are inching our way there.

And sa bawat pagbalik ko sa bustling city lights, mas may bitbit akong good vibes in an underrated and almost undetectable manner. 'Yung okay ang city life, yes na yes. Pero the life beyond the city is my legit iced matcha laced with white chocolate + cinnamon + vanilla. Ganung levels. Saka ang maganda sa side ng South na 'to, as in, lahat din ng nasa city, andito na rin e. I cannot unsee since ngayon lang ako ulit napadpad dito. Even the restaurants, may Indo-Malay, Viet, Thai, and the works na rin.

Thank you, mother dragon for your love. I guess eto na talaga tayo sa exciting part na less iyak, less triggers, less drama whenever I see your side of the South. Thank you for making me see that what's meant to be will find its way to you, no matter how long it takes and no matter how tough things get... sa lahat ng aspeto ito. And that, the simple life is the life well-lived in full color, in black and white, and everything in between.

Whenever I'm at the verge of spiraling, I'll go back to the cicadas chirping and the pink blooms of kakawate and the cool and calm breeze. Never better. Always.

Wed Weeds

Shooting over 70 weddings in my past life, I guess I've seen a lot of "Blink" moments in cropped vivid frames.

It's the era of getting married for people my age. That said, I've been asked a good number of questions by both bride and groom. Of course, I say that all I know is that I know some things which are based on the weddings I've been part of as shooter, organizer and a guest of course. Never been married, as I said, but, I'd be trying to share the rawest questions and my rawest answers, too. Send ko na lang 'tong link na 'to siguro, 'pag may nagtanong ulit para 'di na ako napapagod kasi, honestly, kakatamad madalas sumagot kaso, okay. Let's go. ;)

Before I go any further, I have 50-50 thoughts on wedding, still. I didn't see myself in one, however, I've had this super curious lucid dream ages ago... like a decade ago. Me walking down the aisle and I saw an XY waiting for me. Close up pa pero 'di ko siya kilala. LOL. Saka ko na lang i-detail kung anong look and vibe niya kasi what I remember is pagising ko sabi ko: Lord, sino 'yun? Hahahahaha. Nastress ako kasi I think back to back shoot 'yun ng -ber months kaya baka nasagaran lang ako ng wedding overload. Pan na ako noon hanggang ngayon kaya tawang-tawa ako sa panaginip ko na 'to. JUSQ. I think may gf pa yata ako noon or baka break na kami or cool off kasi 'di ko na rin matandaan 'yung exact year niya. Looking back, shemay lang talaga kasi bakit naman 'di ko kilala 'yung nasa dream ko 'di ba? Pa-mysterious yarnn? Abangan na lang natin anong magaganap kasi sabi ko nga, 50-50 ako sa wedding. Baka nga, 60-no; 40-yes or 70-no; 30-yes. I also say this bit na I don't generally believe in weddings, however, meron pa rin namang legit na nakaka-move and nakaka-touch lalo na it's a rarity these days.

Magkano ba ang wedding sa Pinas ngayon? Ang usual wedding na may 100+ guests sa Pinas is around 500K to 1M++. Ang lagi kong sinasabi, start with your budget muna. 'Yun muna. Kasi 'pag may visuals ka ng well-marketed weddings, wala na. Nadarang ka na. 'Pag beach wedding like Boracay Station 1 or Bohol, mga 2M mo, basic lang mararating niyan. Adjusted na 'yan sa hyperinflation and revenge wedding rates.

For me, kahit anong budget, puwedeng gawaan ng paraan. Hahanap ka lang talaga ng suppliers, venue and church na pasok sa aesthetic and vibes na gusto mo. Honestly, 'yung 500K puwede pang ibaba 'yan kahit paano kung focused ka sa good food, good company and a meaningful event with really good photos. 'Yun lang. Hassle kasi ngayon daming arte ng celebrity weddings.

Sabi ko nga, either show lang or talagang alta levels na lang ang category ng weddings ngayon, sadly. LOL. Pati nga sa BDO branch na ayoko na lang i-reveal kung saan, meron Dream Wedding in-store wall art. Tapos leading to a loan. Ano 'yun? Hahahahaha. Tacca. Gigil ako e.

What are the essentials of a wedding? Well-made clothes that flatter the groom and the bride. LOL. Good food. Guests who are really part of your lives. Good time na chill at walang pasayaw sa entrance. Theme na bagay sa personality niyo at kayang i-wing ng guests n'yo. Smooth na event, 'di stress. And of course, photos na magpapaalala sa'yo ng saya ng araw na 'yun. Period. All other stuff, nice to have na lang 'yun. And 'pag nakuha mo na 'to, balik ka sa realistic budget na kaya niyong itawid. Period ulit.

(Asked by XYs, usually) Gusto ko 'yung dream wedding niya, mabigay ko. Paano 'yun? Medyo sumasakit ulo ko dito at umiinit din. Ilang beses ko na 'tong narinig. XY are usually full force sa pagbigay ng best wedding day ever sa mga XX. Pero naman, 'yung dream is grounded in reality. Dapat napagusapan n'yo na 'yan para hindi na awkward sa pag-arrive sa wedding planning season. Dream wedding? Prep for the married life lalo na sa panahon ngayon. Saka 'pag nagiinarte 'yung bride, magisip-isip ka na lalo kung alam naman niyang sapat lang o sagad lang budget mo. Excuse lang 'yung once in a lifetime shit na 'yan. Kasi ang dream wedding, pang-Netflix lang 'yan. Kaya nga 'yung mga K drama akala mo kung anong napaka grand vibe ang meron kasi Korea is reeking sa divorce stats. LOL.

For budget weddings, saan okay? Maraming okay na underrated spots near Manila. Based ito sa mga na-shoot ko na or na-bike ko na. Calatagan has a church kung gusto mo ng beach wedding. Nuvali-Tags-Batangas, matic na 'yan lalo 'pag malamig. Laguna has this nature church sa may Makiling side. I forgot na lang the name and if maganda pa rin siya now. May church din sa Antipolo na near Hinulugang Taktak area. Sagada has a really pretty church pero parang ibang sect ata sila doon. Nagcarlan and the churches of Laguna are really super underrated. Mura pa tapos mababait kausap in general. UP Diliman chapel is super ganda kasi may mga artworks doon na hindi umaayaw. Subic chapel or church is also okay basta weekday na walang tao. Saks lang siya. If gusto mo naman ng grand church, St. James Alabang para aircon. 'Di siya mahal, super kung gusto mo ng mahabang aisle which is nakakatamad. Kidding aside, St. James kasi 'di mo na need lagyan ng arte kasi oks na siya as is. 'Pag gusto mo ng flowers, isa lang supplier nila so wala ka na talagang extra-extra gastos. Piliin mo na lang pinaka mura kaso basic siya masyado. Hahahahaha. Sacred Heart naman near Alabang is also okay. 'Yan 'yung mga churches na so far, pasok sa budget tapos a good number of them, maganda din church doors para may drama 'yung entrance ng bride. LELS. Google mo na rin: underrated churches (location) o mag-Visita Iglesia muna kayo sa location na gusto ninyo. Mas oks 'pag sa church na may meaning sa inyo both para mas putok ang emotions. CHOZ.

Suppliers? Paano mo malalaman kung meant to be? Budget meets folio and feedback. Not all A-list suppliers are listed on socmed. Hahanapin mo talaga sila kasi madali naman magkaroon ng strong online front e. Magtanong ka sa mga tao na similar sa vibe and personality n'yo as a couple. As an example, may super galing na wedding photographer na need maayos 'yung buong araw para makawork siya ng ayon sa nararapat. ;) For me, magdasal, kausapin face to face. Pakiramdaman. Maging honest sa budget and kausapin mo lang 'yung mga pasok sa budget mo kung ano man 'yan. 'Wag ka matakot magtanong kasi 'pag oks 'yan, sasagutin niya lahat ng tanong mo.

Event planner? Essential ba? Kung 'di ka aware sa wedding world, makakahelp 'yan lalo sa mga documents and processing pati na rin kung 'di ka mahilig makipagusap or nego sa mga suppliers and collaborators. Nakaka-iwas sa stress 'pag meron kang babatuhan ng tasks tapos bibigay mo na lang 'yung mga need na galing sa'yo. However, event planners usually put 15% fee on top of all suppliers. Ganun talaga. Or hanap ka ng assistant na puwede mong i-hire specific for certain tasks na ayaw mong gawain. Pero iche-check mo pa rin 'yan. Mase-stress ka pa rin diyan kahit paano.

Who to invite? Tadaaahhhh! My favorite question. Start with 30. 'Yun muna. Then 'pag 'di ka solve sa 30, gawin mong 50 muna. 'Wag 100 or 150 or 180 agad, except kung sobrang extrovert mong tao or malaki family mo. For big families naman, shemay. Hati ako dito e. Hahahahaha. Kasi, hindi naman lahat sa big family close enough mo. Kung may budget, why not 'di ba? Pero 'pag sakto lang or may family drama kayo, 'wag mo ng ipilit. 'Wag na. Please. People will say naman anything kahit invited sila or not e. So, kesa ma-stress ka sa mismong event, hayaan mo na lang sila. Ganun. Wedding should be your day as a couple. Period.

Wedding dress and suit na mahal? Buy or rent? Kung magagamit n'yo pa ulit 'yung damit, buy. Kung 'di na, rent is okay. Maraming magagaling mag-tahi at mag-custom na 'di sikat pero sobrang oks. ;) Punta kang Lumban-Pagsanjan. For sure sa North side, marami rin. Saka masarap kawork talaga 'yung mga 'di super OA on socmed. Bias ko for grooms na gusto maging snatched pa rin si Bianca Cordero. As in. Andami ko ng tinignan na designers for my brother's wedding pero siya talaga napili ko because nagagawaan niya ng paraan lahat ng body frames ng groom. For rent naman, DM mo na lang ako. LOL.

Food? Anong okay? Bizu. Conti's. Ang basic pero oks 'yung costing nila. Lime and Basil used to be okay kaso ewan ko na ngayon bakit ganun. LOL. Balay Dako is also decent. May mga caterers din na 'di sikat pero okay talaga depende na lang sa location mo kasi, transpo cost is not a joke.

Need bang pakainin ang suppliers? Yes na yes na yes na yes. I've been a witness to this since nga shooter ako 'di ba? Ako kasi, may baon talaga ako pati tubig. So, may times talaga na ang ganda ng wedding pero tagutom naman ang suppliers lalo 'pag may tea ceremony. LOL. LUH. Alagaan mo suppliers mo pero again, budget is the key. Hanap ka ng nearby na puwedeng mag-deliver ng food sa venue. 'Wag mo na isama sa dinner ng guests and sure mo na well-timed 'yung food nila.

Photos? Videos? How to choose? My favorite question. Ako na lang sa photos. CHOZ. Joke lang. Budget pa rin and ano bang vibe gusto mo? Sepia-ish? Super vivid? Black and white? Film? Digital? Basta, 'wag awkward ang pose and smile. Saka 'wag namang masyadong templated. LELS. Lahat naman ng wedding may shotlist pero naman. Pili ka ng prime lens lang gamit 50mm/35mm/85mm/105mm par slimming shots tapos lalakad talaga to get wide shots. Hahahahaha. Ako lang 'yun ha. Period. 'Pag hindi, 'wag na lang. Thank u, next.

Videos, oks lang pero puwede namang wala kasi hassle talaga ng maraming camera sa paligid-ligid. Hanap ka na lang ng supplier na specific sa mobile videos na candid frames. As in. Mas maganda pa basta 1080p at least. Sa ibang bansa, mobile photos and videos are gaining momentum. :)

Best time for wedding? 2:30 PM or kung kaya ng 3:30 PM sharp. May golden hour. May sunset. May after sunset. May night shots. Ber months sa Pinas na walang chances of biglaang Habagat rains or typhoon.

Pinas wedding or wedding abroad? Hmmmm. Depende ulit sa gusto mong itawid at kaya mong itawid. Maganda ang Pinas. Maganda rin sa ibang bansa.

So, ayun. Send ko na lang 'to sa susunod na magtatanong na naman ng mga typical na tanong. LOL. Kaso malalaman na meron akong ganitong space e. :p Good morning!

Third Wheel, Free Will

Shattered love stories make my hidden heart and soul bleed wildly.

As an empath with a wicked mind and mouth, I still find it curious when some people come and share their stories that revolve around being cheated on and cheating. And by share, I mean too much TMI that is not only cringe, but, ego-crushing and heart-wrenching, too. There'd be times when I know that even my rare super tight empath hugs will never ease their pains, anguish and self-loathing. Ganun kalala.

While XXs are the usual suspects and prospects of being "kabit," I guess hearing XYs bare their souls about this matter is really a different ballgame. 'Di pa rin ako sanay kasi nga, it's a cheater man's world, after all naman talaga e. LOL. Must be because some XY who are part of my smaller inner circle have had serious cases in this department, too. That said, let me try sharing some answers to questions that have been asked to me by so-called victims of love: XX and XY edition. Let me disclose din na I am not part of any third party kahit kailan, kahit saan at kahit sino. It makes me cringe kasi talaga as in. It's not part of my ecosystem mula noon hanggang mamatay ako. Also, simple lang naman ang view ko sa love: 'Pag akin, akin lang pero 'wag clingy. Saktong cling wrap lang. Markahan lang namin isa't isa. Period. 'Yung alam ko at alam niya na kahit we're not home, we're each other's home. As an old soul ako kahit walang bakas ng ganun. LOL. Okay.

Masaya ako 'pag kasama siya. Ngayon ko lang 'to naramdaman pero alam ko namang mali. Mali bang maging masaya? Hindi mali maging masaya. Emotion 'yan pero ang tanong: what comes after 'yung masayang pagsasama n'yo? Paranoia? Mocking yourself? Rationalizing shit? Masaya ka sa idea na limited time kasi, limited offer. Scarcity is sexy pero 'di naman sa ganitong takada, pakiusap.

Alam kong mali pero bakit 'di niya ako pinipili? Still falls under the human nature na 'pag hindi mapasayo, may certain level ng excitement, ng challenge, ng thrill. Nasabi ko na 'to several times irl: 'Di ka talaga pipiliin kahit kailan kasi ang asawa pa rin ang only one sa mata ng Diyos at sa mata ng batas. Gusto mo kasi na piliin ka para magkaroon ka ng self-worth. Sadly, walang ganun. Gumising ka.

Karma ba 'to? I don't think this would fall under karma because all is fair and unfair in love and hate naman. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. People are both good and bad, parang Wicked lang 'yan. Lahat may Elphaba and Glinda. Are people born wicked? No. People are made of good and bad choices. Sarte pasok.

Bakit 'di ako puwedeng sumaya? Happiness is an emotion. Sadness is an emotion. Love is an action. Love is a choice. Doon ka sa pipiliin mo lagi't lagi AT pipiliin ka lagi't lagi. Be with someone who you outgive and i-outgive ka rin. Period. Doon ka sa bubuo ng 100% partners in crime araw-araw. Doon sa 100% na sa'yo at 100% ka ring kanya. Baseline 'yan. Non-negotiable 'yan.

Kaya ko pa bang makahanap ng ganitong vibe? Iba talaga e. It's a solid yes. Ano bang meron sa kabitan kagulo na vibe? Exciting, hindi boring. Challenging kasi ng limited time, limited offer. May chances of getting caught so that means may inclination ka sa something kinda feisty, baseline. Or gusto mo ng thrill. So hanapin mo 'yan. Chase is an XY thing so, gawaan mo ng paraan na ikaw ang hahabol kesa ikaw 'yung hinahabol. For XX naman, reco ko eto irl is gusto mo kasi 'yung "full attention" nasa iyo, so hanap ka naman ng XY na 'di nagpho-phone 'pag kausap ka. NOTE na super important: 'Pag magkasama kayo, nakabackside up ang phone and naka-silent lalo 'pag naguusap kayo ng mga importanteng stuff. Also, 'pag naman nagsagot ng call at work or family matters, 'wag kang mag-maarte kasi 'di naman ikaw lang ang mundo niya.

Naniniwala kasi akong vibe is just a matter of being mutually weird together and apart. 'Di ko sure kung idealistic ba ako o baka dahil ito sa very graphic-fantastic first meet-cute ko nung Prep. Hahahahaha. Parang nadala ko na siya sa flow ko be it an XX or XY get-to-know stage. 'Di 'yan about sa dami ng commonalities or differences niyo. Bonus points na lang kung pareho or similar kayo ng gusto at 'di gusto. Nasa paguusap 'yan na naguugat sa willingness ninyong maging vulnerable. LUH.

Bakit parang gusto ko siyang iligtas sa shit niya? Never been married, never been kissed. CHOZ sa kissed. Hahahahaha. Pero, based on the TMI married couples stories ay married life is not a joke. Rewarding siya rarely kasi nga people marry for fucked up reasons like convenience, not wanting to grow old alone kahit lonely sila sa kasama nila, fame, fortune, having kids because pressured ng social constructs atbp. Ayoko na i-exhaust ang list kasi we don't have time for that.

So, ang sinasabi ko: There's always two people who have faults sa bawat broken marriage vows. Nood ka ng The World of the Married and Marriage Story sa Netflix o sa kung saan mang platform mo gusto para free. I watched both with dad kasi nga bonding namin manood ng Netflix 'pag may time. Sabi ng tatay ko: Iba na talaga generation ngayon. Grabe ang sakitan. Ano 'yan? Nakakasakit ng dibdib, anak. Hahahahahaha.

Bottomline: Iligtas mo muna sarili mo because this shit of yours is a sunken ship. Period. Kung gusto mo talagang iligtas 'yung isa, tigilan mo na siya kasi 'di mo siya "mahal" kung everytime magkasama kayo e, a demerit sa legal husband or wife niya. Hintayin mo na lang mag-divorce or mag-annulment sila. Tapos. 'Di ba, willing to wait ka naman? Patunayan mo ngayon na ngayon na 'yan.

'Di ba ako worthy mahalin? Bakit 'di ako 'yung pinipili at the end of the day or night? Simple lang sagot. Lagot. 'Wag ka mag-expect na mamahalin ka ng kahit sino maliban sa magulang mo at aso mo kung mismong ikaw e hindi mo mahal sarili mo. Iba naman 'yung self-loathing sa allowing yourself in external situations na literal and figurative na sumasawata sa pagkatao mo.

Hindi ka rin pipiliin kasi nakapili na siya. Sorry. Sorry not sorry din.

I've witnessed this super up close. Maayos na XY, established as in. Matayog ang lipad. Pero, nagkaroon ng anak sa iba. Nung natrouble ng malala, umuwi sa pamilya. Bumalik sa asawa at mga anak. 'Yung kabila, never na nakita 'yung "ama" ng kabilang bahay nila up until the day he died. Hindi rin inamin nung XY ever na may iba at may anak siya sa labas hanggang sa hukay. JUSQ. Ang saklap kasi witness ako mismo ng BTS and "in front of the scenes" netong paganaps na 'to. I wept so badly and until now, I'm bearing the pain of this story. 'Di ko tatay 'yan a. Para clear and super clear. :D Kung tatay ko 'yan, 'di ganyan turn of events kasi... hahahahahahaha.

Kaya ko ba 'tong lusutan? Parang wala ng way out. Kahit naman deadend ang kabitan kagulo, isang good choice to turn around and walk away lang 'yan each and every time. 'Di naman 'yan agad-agad. Minsan pa nga, narealize mo na lang nung nagkaroon ka na ng anak na bunga ng maling pag-ibig. LOL. Pipiliin mo lang talaga 'yung sarili mo at gagawaan mo ng paraan na mawala na 'yung pagpili mo sa isang bagay na ikaw din naman ang gumusto at nag-try lumusot. Kaya nga may wedding ring, may marriage bans, and all, e para maiwasan ang ganitong shit. 'Pag may wedding ring, ekis na agad. Kung 'di naman suot, aba, magtaka ka na.

Ayun lang naman for today kasi sumasakit na naman puso ko sa mga ganitong usapan. 'Di ako product ng shitty kabitan kagulo pero dad ko way back nung college siya is dalawa girlfriend. 'Yung isa nanay ko. 'Yung isa, highschool shitheart niya. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I've seen how my super duper confident mother dragon went down in shambles at the slightest pakaliwa ng dad ko. Hahahahahaha. Sabi ni dad, pumipili pa raw siya noon. Hayup siya. Pero, kaya niya pinili si mom kasi sa kanya siya naging mas mabuti at buong tao 'di umano. LELS. So, siguro, eto rin 'yung part sa akin na sobrang cringe ako 'pag may mga paganaps na pagpapaselos or may ibang gusto ang mga nakaka-interact ko sa sphere ng love life. Matic alis ka na dito sa harap ko real quick. Naging 99.9% faithful naman tatay ko sa kanilang marriage vows lalo nung nagkasakit mom ko ng malala. Karma. CHOZ. Hahahaha. Joke lang 'yun a. Kidding aside, ayoko lang kasi nakikita mom ko na sobrang hyper vigilant sa dad ko. Isang maling kaliwa o kanan lang 'pag dating sa "girls" tepok talaga dad ko. Sabi nga niya: Takot talaga ako sa nanay mo, 'nak. Me: Awaw. Talaga ba dad? Parang hindi naman kasi 'di pa kayo kasal, pusakal ka na. Sabi naman ni dad: Nak, 'di naman masamang pumili e. Kung baga, tinitignan kung sino ba talaga sa dalawa ang pinaka okay maging nanay ng mga anak ko. Me: Tacca. 'Di lang dalawa kwento ni mommy.

Natawid ko na rin naman itong shit chapter ng parentals ko, so, all goods. Good deals na tayo. And andun na rin ako sa point na gusto ko balikan ni dad 'yung balo niyang highschool shitheart para malaman niya talaga kung tama decision niya mula noon hanggang ngayon. Actually, noon vindictive ako e. Pero ngayon, kung saan siya masaya since officially single naman siya, go lang. Excited din akong malaman ang sagot sa tanong na 'to. Pero sabi ng dad ko: Sabi ng nanay mo, kahit sino basta 'wag lang si... LOL. Aba. Defying death ba si dad or death-defying? Abangan! Buti na lang 'di chixxx 'yung HS shitheart niya. LOL. Mom ko kasi 24-36-24 nung college siya e, so 'yung pa lang, alam na this. Sanaol may ganung vital stats. LELS. Hahahaha. Hiyang-hiya ako e. Parang mga Grade 3 ko yata vital stats 'yan tapos no turning back na from there.

Anway, tapusin ko na 'tong shitpost na 'to because... marami pang labada at try kong matulog ng hindi lampas 1 AM. :) Bukas ulit!

Peace Tea

Is peace the absence of chaos or is it choosing to be still amidst the seemingly unending mess?

The past weeks of another new year has been really curious. First stop, my the closest brother of my dad is now undergoing radiation as his cancer reached his brain. He's currently practicing how to move around with his wheelchair and will be back soon from Singapore. My tita who we grew up with in one house is seeing progress in her battle with liver cancer but even when they can be considered affluent, expenses just keep piling up. A few days ago, my brother updated me that he now has two cysts in his kidney. Dad is not coping well since nerbiyoso talaga siya. I can feel his center of gravity is being tested. Nabasag pa niya kanina 'yung prized Beatles glass ko na pang-taho ko or pang-iced matcha. He messaged me and told me: Nabasag, natural sad. I've been egging him to go out of the house more kasi staying in might just make him "spiral" more. He's been asking me why things are happening that way.

With less sarcasm and an ounce or two of lambing, I tell him that good things and bad things happen to good and bad people. Ganun talaga. While being on the preventive side, if cancer is in your family tree, 'wag ka ng kabahan. Even when you try to have a healthy lifestyle, it can only take you so far. It may well just be part of the whole circle of life. You get things you deserve, in the same manner that you gets things you do not deserve. I told dad: 'Di tayo puwedeng magkasakit or mag-buckle because our family needs us at our best, whatever that means. LOL. I also aligned my doggo babes na bawal munang magkasakit kasi magja-Japan pa ako. Kaya bahala sila diyan. Choz. Buti na lang talaga may Japan trip akong parating kasi 'yun na lang talaga ang glimmer ko for now. ;) Baliw na kung baliw, but that's how I egg roll.

I've been getting lines like, you seem to look blooming. UHM. Now, I try my best to say thank you na lang kahit parang baliw lang 'yung mga ganitong comment. Speaking of which, tawang-tawa ako kasi may isang curious question na binato sa akin. You seem like you're doing thirst traps because you have this Jap OOTD vibe. Syempre, I breathed muna before my pakawalang sagot: I don't do thirst traps. They do not apply to me. I dress depending on my depression, my mood and my laundry. I don't really give a shit about what people say so as long as they don't fuck my core. I also had a comeback, a curious one: So, na-thirst trap ka ba since ikaw naman nag-bring up niyan? Sinagot naman na: I appreciate your look. Hindi siya cringe. Me: So, it's safe to say, it's a yes, then? Tumawa then tumahimik na.

Muntik ko na actually sabihin na practice Jap OOTD kasi 'yun pero sinabi ko na lang which is true naman din talaga na ultra femme era ko ngayon. Kaya case closed.

Side Note: May mala-tito akong taga-OOTD check kasi trip niya ring mag-comment as a tito vibe 1000000. Kaya, mas lalo akong unbothered since medyo maarte 'tong mala-tito na 'to na akala mo walang pake, pero, meron, meron, meron. Side Note 2: Daming time ng mga taong mag-comment noh? Hahahaha. 'Yung dating favorite line ko, balik ko lang: Wala akong pake kung naabala ka kasi ikaw 'yan. More importantly, 'di kita inaabala. Ikaw nangaabala sa sarili mo. Basta, don't get in my way lang. Thank u, next.

LOL. Peace tea. Peace, teh.

Peace is choosing to breath better and deeper even when things are firing up and are over ice na mala-North Pole galing. Peace is finding a sanctuary that comes from within. Peace is not the absence of chaos; it's about making sense of the mess, the fuck ups, the shitballs, the mental and figurative blue balls, too. Peace is when you laugh at ugh and icky circumstances from poor choices and poorest choices, too. Peace is forgiving yourself and the universe, too. Peace is your surrender after the end of your fight or flight chapter. Peace is enjoying small talks and believing that things will come around, eventually. Kung baga: Relak lang, as V says. Relak. Peace is also the aura glow in spite getting really bad news that spell life and death. Peace is smiling at life and death, too.

Since we're on that topic na... let me share... If noon, I prayed na 'wag muna akong mamatay kasi sobrang lungkot ko, ngayon andun na ako sa point na, I may not achieved a lot, but, I have made decent strides sa chapter ng life ko na 'di na ako super duper sad. I guess this is really my overdue moving forward sa mom issues ko. 'Di naman ako super happy, pero if I die today or tomorrow, I think I'd be able to say that I fought a good fight even when getting a one-way flight is better. This is not a suicide note ha. It's actually a milestone.

Life is indeed super short and usually, it's not well lived. So, while we have time, let's make things happen, unti-unti. Let's also let things go and flow, because, whatever's meant for you will find its way to you and be with you through it all. Tiwala lungs.

Nagababalik po. It's really Ariana > Taylor.

We The PL

Seeing the evolution of one's PL is just so curious and gorgeous, too.

During weekends, I try my best to listen to the curated PL that Spotify suggests. Honestly, been doing this since 2016. It's weird because the songs that I sometimes stumble upon are from eras that are already part of my deep subcon mind like that of roadtrips with past XXXYZs. Lerkzzz. The past months, when a song like this pops up, I can safely say that it's me laughing with and at my naive, younger self. Aigoo. Side Note: Back in 2009, isa sa mga cases na sinabi ko sa marketing class is agree akong music marketing is gonna be the next level of brands. Hindi siya intrusive kasi intuitive siya kasi mas nagegets mo 'yung headspace and hearspace lalo 'yung mga subdued and suppressed areas. Lo and behold, we're here and now! :)

Must also be because I met up with Film Class buddies who are really introverts in no less than Scout area. Namiss ko rin 'tong part na 'to ng buhay ko kung saan ginagawa po nating singlapit ng Taft ang QC and nearby areas noong 2015 to 2019 days. Kaya naman kasi kaso ang traffic, however, paying 200 PHP one-way to hack South to QC area is nakakalumpo pero, 'pag kailangan, puwede naman talaga. EDSA is super calm on the way home at around 2 am din.

Scout area is like BF Par on steroids na mas maingay. Hahahaha. Walang tulugan area rin. I noticed that the streets are better lit na now. LOL. Syempre, 'yung kasama ko, mahilig maglakad so wala akong choice. This friend Ma is someone na I don't meet up lagi but once we do, dhzai, ang daldalan parang pang-indie film ang progression. Hahahaha. Ganda ng location ng Cinema '76 and decent naman matcha nila. Coffee syempre, no deal sa lasa. Hahahaha. Skipped cocktails kasi 'di rin naman daw masarap and mahal pa. Maganda lang mga pamagat ng cocktails. Our other FOMO introvert scriptwriting buddy Mar is super nearby so, isang message lang, karipas siya e. Ma is nesting in a four-year relationship and Mar naman married recently. It's really nice to see us in different stages of life na and that we've gone a long way, but, malayo pa rin ang tatahakin. I told them to try out for Ricky Lee's upcoming workshop kasi feeling ko talaga, magugustuhan nilang i-revisit 'yung mga then days namin plus ang lapit lang nila sa Katips. HUHUHUHU. Sana all talaga. LOL. Kung wala lang akong mga doggo babies, ang dali mag-move kaso my babies are namamahay talaga even sa bahay ng lola ko. :( 'Di ko rin sila kayang 'di makita regularly kahit I'm a kinda clunky pawrent.

Ohhh, before seeing Mar, nagpunta muna kami ng Profound. Damn. Sana meron talaga sa South kasi ang ganda nung curation talaga. AS IN. Gusto ko na lang iuwi 'yung The Dawn signed vinyl saka Now and Then. UGH. Tingin na lang ako sa Japan. Sobrang up my alley nung display. Bakit ganun???? Bakiiiittt??? Pero, tagtipid tayo kaya, hard no muna. Saka na.

We talked about our scripts and sila, feeling daw nila they've outgrown their scripts. Ako naman, na-share ko na my script is still so relevant and that it's something I'm slowly working on para matapos na. :) Gah. If puwede lang mag-stray sa Scout at magbike kasama ni Ma pa-UP, which is happening in the next weekends, finally. LOL. Syempre, sa UP lang ako mag-bike kasi 'di ko talaga kaya mag-bike sa city. I was surprised that Ma is biking na as a maarte being. LOL. May pa-cuttings pa ng halaman ng pangmalakasan since Ma is really a legit plantito.

How low-key friends are we? Mar just requested to follow me and Ma during our Cinema '76 hangout. Tawang-tawa kami e. From 2015 until now, walang follow-han. Walang kamustahan. Pero, kung maka-share ng TMI sa buhay, akala mo, visual journals namin isa't isa. I really like na we don't chizmiz much about our other classmates kasi wala rin naman kaming pake sa kanila except for standout ganaps. Inis pa rin si Ma na 'di ako ma-tag, though, pero, siya na rin naman nag-adjust. Sabi ko, ayoko lang kasi talagang ma-tag in general. 'Yun lang talaga unless sobrang importante or sobrang life matters siya. LOL. Arte ko raw. Sabi ko, siya mas lalo maarte. More importantly, we try our best not to indulge on socmed kasi mapapa-compare ka talaga kahit ayaw mo. Happy ako to see talaga na na-maintain namin 'yung bond namin na sobrang FOMO sa mga biglaang aya which naganap pa na Makati Ave na mga 4 AM pero may pasok pa kami ng 830 AM. LOL. 'Di kami clingy PERO 'pag nagkita, ayaw umuwi. Actually, super duper appreciate Ma kasi as a titong sleeping na ng 9 PM, talagang hinataw niya at nag-prep siya sa pagkikita namin. Sabi ko nga, uwi na kami ng 11 PM para maka-sleep siya. Ayun. Inumaga na naman kami!

So going back to PL... friends and eras define my PL which is kinda surprising because my circle is small and I purposefully keep it smaller ever since the pandemic hit. However, since nga I have a list of interests, tulad ng sabi ng dad ko, akala ko lang daw maliit circle ko. In fact, tawang-tawa ako kasi sa Cinema '76, nakita ko 'yung bunsong kapatid ni Ju, my Circa '95 soul sis. Hahahaha. Beso kami tapos sabi ko, ikaw si Ja, correct? Natawa siya. Sabi ba naman: Bakit 'di mo sure? Sabi ko, sanay akong sa Las Pinas-Alabang-Par area ko siya nakikita. Hahahahaha. Na-shy din akong mag-hi doon sa isang creative person na kawork ko before pero sure akong matatandaan niya ako because... ahahahaha.

Kung meron mang emerging theme ang PL ko, hopeful na siya pero grounded pa rin sa shitballs ng realidad. LOL. Saka mas unapologetic na siya. May mga times kasing naka-incognito pa ako para lang ma-veer away ang algo pero tumatawid rin lalo na nung nag-start 'yung mic and cam detection era na. Kaya nga, pakshet ang iPhone bilang mas intrusive siya 'di lang sa owner pero pati sa circle ng owners ng kahit anong iPhone. Tacca.

Also, na-gets ko na why Taylor Swift topped my PL nung 2023. When someone is undergoing a traumatic experience lalo 'pag matagal na-suppress, chances are that person deviates from the norm. OPAK. Inis na inis ako kasi 'di ko naman talaga gusto si TS pero, she has been my angel nung November to December. Listened to her to cope and that it's actually a new chapter. Plus, my soul sis and I now have a different level of bonding over TS. The then basher me is now a TS saktong fan girl. By sakto, I mean, solulu sa delulu. :p Saka Tito Ro is also a TS curious passerby na rin; so, mas maraming areas na kaming mapapagusapan lalo as I'm checking him sa pagkawala ng mom niya plus family paganaps na rin na HAHAHAHAHAHA. 'Yun na lang muna because, TMI is not applicable here. Sa creative non-fic ko na lang pakakawalaan. :D

I'm looking at this from a better perspective which does not come easily. Basta, I saw changes na ako mismo nagugulat, pleasantly, until now. Changes for the greater good, unti-unti. :) Reclaiming and claiming one's space is not just about having that space, it's sharing a space where diversity is at the core. 'Di lang ako vocal talaga, pero, I guess that had to happen talaga in the name of unleashing the power and magic and logic that vulnerability holds. OPACQ. Hahahaha. Shemayayayayayayyy. And most importantly, sabi ng tatay ko, dapat lang better na talaga kasi 'pag no, LAGOT. Honestly, may mga specific times na takot pa rin ako sa dad ko kasi iba siya 'pag nagalit or na-agit. Mahirap salagin or worse, kahit salagin, wala e... tatabi talaga ako dahil tatay ko siya. LUH. Hahahahahaha.

Speaking of PL, I noticed that when I write, lagi't lagi may music sa background. It does not influence naman directly mga sinasabi ko, pero, ganda lang din kasi mas makikita ko 'yung ambiance nung mga thought farts ko rin. For example, Give Me a Kiss is not part of my universe pero 'yung tunog niya, up my alley. Saka in theme din for my 2024 Caterpie era. ;)

So, ayun na ngaaaa. Diliman x Magihawa x Krus na Ligas x Gubat bike sesh coming up! Plus I think, may kasama na ako sa Binondo CNY photowalk + vidwalk, too as a third or fifth wheel lang if swak sa sched namin nina Ma and Mar. LELS.

Growing in Love

It still surprises me to get a good number of special requests that lean on love advice. Super curious, to be honest.

Being single for quite some time by choice has been in my flow, so whenever my tiny KAMUSTA turns into a love advice from me sesh, I always say this bit since ayokong maging mema lang. However, I guess the empath and curious critter who's perpetually bored me is something worth their while? So, let me share some of the story snippets that I came across with the recent months and years.

Case 01: DINK Couple XX confessed that XY reminds her a lot of her dad. LOL. Asking me how to manage. I told her that based on studies, XX are attracted to XY that resemble their fathers no matter how much they veer away from it. I told her that she's most likely gonna do fine because while the hub is kinda like his dad, the hub is definitely an upgraded version naman. LOL. Case 02: Stay at home Moms with Kiddo XX shared that they miss their career lives but they want to be the mom who looks after their kids. LOL. Tawang-tawa ako pero I cry with them, too. Being a stay at home mom is lambasted kasi nga, housewives are but "liabilities" instead of "assets" who are invisible just because wala silang ambag sa finances ng bahay. Gigil pa rin ako because studies show that being a housewife is unpaid labor and usually keeps the husband's peace of mind. LOL. Close ko rin kasi mga hubs netong mga 'to kaya untog sa toilet bowl sessions ako with them hubs 'pag may tamang tiempo. :p The thing is that it's not easy to raise a family especially during this dystopian, hyperinflated era HOWEVER, it takes a partner in crime to walk through the fire and dance on ice. I know that it's not easy, but, sabi ko nga: Mag-usap kasi kayo. 'Yun lang talaga ang tamang paraan at tanging paraan para 'di kayo nagaaway ng walang sense. LOL. Case 3: Boomer Couple; Empty Nest Eto yata favorite ko. LOL. As a "fave ng parentals" I look after some parents na na-turnover sa akin because... ayun na nga. 'Yung kung kailan tumanda, saka isip bata. Kung kailan wala ng masyadong challenge sa raising a family, doon pa naiisip maghiwalay. Hahahahahaha. Malimit dahil sa mga FB-related shitzummmzhhhh pa. So, syempre, kamustahan turned MMK sesh na naman po tayo. Sabi ko naman is mahirap talaga 'pag walang problema, kasi naghahanap lang butas sa dapat wala namang butas na paganaps like bakit ang kulay ng pintura ay hindi naayon sa gusto nila. O kaya naman, kesa maghanap ng bagong trip, todo iringan sa mga walang sense na pagtatalo tulad ng ulam at pag-like sa mga random FB posts with AI and fake news. May time pa na sabi ko, mag-stay muna sa akin para makapag-isip kesa maglayas kasi for sure naman, babalik din sa bahay nila lalo 'pag may handicap 'yung isa. Ayun. LOL. Wala sa pagiging active 'yan sa church kasi, mhie, ang totoong church ay people and how you manage them.

Case 4: To Propose or Not to Propose Paps Reasons for not proposing sa long term relationship: walang pambili ng 1C diamond ring, walang pang-grand wedding, walang funds for the married life. Millennial na borderline Gen Z so nahataw ko since wagas ang kahambugan. 'Di kailangan ng grand wedding and even the fucking ring to be honest. Sobrang ugh lang kasi napaka superficial na talaga ng wedding to the point na nagiging show na lang siya kesa part of a tradition na honestly, questionable din naman ang historicity kahit saan mong banda sipatin. 'Yung engagement ring na 'yan, may ilan na akong nakitang pagsosolian, pagbebenta kasi 'di na natuloy at iba pang horror stories. Wala rin namang problema if may grand wedding or ring KUNG kaya at gusto. Pero kung para lang siya sa show and to keep up with the Kardashians, jusq. Tumigil na kayo. 'Yung walang funds naman, sa tingin ko, lahat naman, puwedeng magsimula sa super basic. Apartment. Townhouse. Commute. 'Di siya madali pero if gusto niyo talagang mag-start ng married life, mag-tiyaga at mag-adjust kayo kasi masarap makitang mag-grow kayo at mag-grind para sa bawat piraso ng gamit na pinagtulungan ninyo. I guess I got this from my parentals, too. 'Di kami sagana pero sila 'yung testament na kaya naman. Titiis nga lang talaga. And hindi based sa dami ng meron ka at wala ka ang tunay na diwa ng pagkakaroon ng pamilya.

Case 5: Single Ladies na Waiting in Vain Lagi kong sabi: Go for quality. Alamin mo na agad red flags, green flags and beige flags. Lapagan mo na rin 'yung kung sino mang kalandian mo para tapos na agad. Hindi 'yung date to put the best foot forward, tapos nganga. Talk about important items like trabahong bahay, finances, at iba pa. No point in beating around the bush. Sinong maglalabas ng basura? Sinong magpapaligo sa mga aso or sa mga kids? Sinong magiging alipin? CHOZ. Sinong magiging breadwinner or magiging double income ba ang household. Also, single ladies who are independent usually come off as intimidating pero I firmly believe that if a man's intention is pure, matatawid niya 'yan kahit ano pang mangyari. Period. Pero syempre, parang chess game 'yan, medyo padamahin naman nung single lady na independent para magka-window din 'yung kabilang party. Hahahahaha. Shemay. Saka, pinaka hate ko 'yung "expiring soon" na comments ng mga lalaki at babae sa age na mid or late 30s. LOL. Ako lang siguro 'to pero recent studies show that women are better off to give birth during their mid to late 30s because not only are their bodies prepared, 'yung mental health nila are more mature. :P I've seen friends na 30+ nag-anak, and generally, they cope better and go back stronger faster. Marami pang cases kaso nakakatamad na isulat for now. Saka na. Sa tamang panahon. CHOZ.

With these cases, I just want to let it out that falling in love is actually a big ass fallacy that's marketed so well. Let's talk about growing in love naman! It's not about the kilig, the fuzzy feeling, the aching lang e. In this dystopian, hyperinflated world, it's all about tackling hard questions together, forever. LOL. It's finding peace together amidst the chaos. It's all about listening and sharing vulnerabilities para mas magets kung ano ba talaga at anong puwedeng gawin at 'di puwedeng gawin. It's saying yes when saying no is easier and more convenient. It's saying no when saying yes is the fast way to tap out and shut out. It's about allowing growth from within together and apart. It's about two people striving to be the better versions of themselves, first and foremost. It's about the ability and willingness to confidently and humbly say: I WANT TO MARRY ME SO I CAN MARRY YOU. :D Luh. Hahahaha. Sabi nga mga babaeng matatapang sa buhay ko like mom, my lolas na nagsoli ng engagement rings nila: Kung 'di ka sasaya at magiging mas mabuting tao, 'wag na lang. LOL. Syempre, dapat vice versa 'di ba? Ano ba 'yung "sasaya"? I guess ito 'yung kahit pagod ka, kahit inis ka, kahit ayaw mo na talaga sa life, pipiliin mo araw-araw 'yung kayo kasi gusto mo, kaya mo at kailangan mo. Respect first. Love second. Ako lang naman 'yan as a single person for quite some time.

Esteriffic

January 10 is never gonna be the same again.

I've staged a good number of birthday celebrations for my inang Ester over the years, especially when this black sheep returned to her sleepy town. Actually, I don't like surprises and birthdays, but our big family looks forward to it. It's not about being grand. It's about making ina feel appreciated since we're not big on affirmation, let alone, touchy-feel vibes.

I remember how we'd have legit fun in the small kubo with potluck ulam and panghimagas. I remember how I let her indulge in kanin, sisig, kare-kare, crispy pata and the works when she was 80+. I remember how we almost lost her to fever turned pneumonia, but she managed to wear her gown and walk in a room filled with over a hundred people during her 85th. I can never forget those.

And today is her birthday, her 89th, supposedly. I have very few photos and videos with her because I don't want to compete for attention since we're an extended family of 80+ and counting. Today, I am allowing myself to feel every bit of emotion in motion, while trying my best to let it be and let it go. I am trying my best not to shut down the sharp stabs, the tummy ache, the spinning head sensation, and the works. It's not about being emotional, but learning how to manage emotions slanted on grieving in a decent, in a humane way. 'Di ako makina. 'Di ako autopilot. As I am keying in the past two statements, naluluha na naman ako. HUY. Ang aga. PAUSE. Teka. Bwelo lang ako. HUY.

The same time this year, I joked about how I was having a tough time just because I can't deliver as much as my usual at work. I resorted to hard jokes laced with so much sarcasm and suppression that I built and rolled out. Looking back, it was such a huge and crazy mess. I tried downplaying this vulnerable side of me because I didn't want to be seen, felt, and heard. That's me fighting and fighting and fighting even when I'm spiraling. I could no longer take that back, nor would I like to take that back.

I guess that back then, I just needed a really hard suppression because it's too overwhelming and that I'm managing yet another terminally ill mother even when I'm a very bad girl. I guess it's pivotal because that was when I realized that this really bad girl still has a soft and hypersensitive spot for the family I thought I'd never go back to. I guess this is my grandest apology, the rawest and realest one, not because of utang na loob which I don't believe in, ever; but paying it forward and doing it because I have the experience and folio to back it up. I guess it's just me trying to make better and tougher choices for the greater good, but, what I failed to do is to provide context and be more intentional about how I pan things out. Ansakit isulat nito, but, I have to. I want to and I need to.

As my fourth anak-anakan told me: Ate, magpaalaga ka naman. Magpasabi ka naman.

This Caterie is inching and slugging on January Week 1 and 2. Hindi siya madali at all pero I hope that I'd be able to emerge na mas mabuting tao kahit onti lang. Kahit 1% improvement lang na consistent. May I focus this grief into something worthwhile for me and my audience of one. May I channel this emotional deluge in a calm and real surrender. Again, I'm not a machine. I'm not automated. I'm very human; very flawed. As the cursor blinks at me this kinda early morning, may I be reminded that blinks are glimmers. Sabi nga, when you're overwhelmed, blink and breathe more intentionally. It's super subtle since I don't blink a lot except when I get eye twitches from time to time.

Ganun na lang muna for today. OK.

Thank you, ina for always cooking for me, washing the dishes I don't want to wash (LOL) and for reminding me that: Simple lang ang buhay, apo. Simple lang ang buhay. Thank you for allowing me to help you pass on in the most decent way that I can with the full support of 50+1 family members. I wasn't easy as I know there's so much drama that are cutting and too deep I had to manage and neutralize. Thank you for holding on and letting go. Thank you for allowing me to face my mom issues even when I was but doing it kasi wala namang gagawang iba and that I've just been curious kung anong gagawin ng nanay ko sa situation na 'yun if she was still alive. Bobo ko rin talaga as a perpetually curious critter, noh? LOL. Seriously though, thank you for your silent and consistent faith, hope and love. May I carry your life lessons with me, unti-unti.

Enjoy your heavenly birthday! :)

Growing Up All Over Again

Asking for help and accepting help given is the theme of this Caterie chapter.

Fight or flight is easier said than done. By flight, I don't mean tapping out. I mean reworking, shaping up and showing up. It's not about the messiness. It's not even about words and actions. It's me allowing people to help and me accepting the help given. It's a total shift but over the long break, I've been trying to wrap my head and hypothalamus around this bit. Mahirap pala. Pero kaya. Alam mo 'yung vibe na, shemay. I realized na seeing my ina's sleepy hometown from my BGC spot is both paralyzing and inspiring. Sakto kasi nung tama ng ilaw nung maaga akong pumasok last week. Andun na naman ako sa point na okay, kaya mo na 'yan kasi natawid mo naman ang mga ganaps noon. Let this be a reminder na all things come and go. 'Di na tulad noon na default ko is "whatever" kasi mas madaling maging dissociated and mas convenient din. This is an attempt to use what I've learned in the name of unlearning the murky side of life for the past decade. 'Di rin siya madali kasi nga part na siya ng system ko, pero, maiba naman. I'm holding onto how I helped mom and ina make it through with grace. Medyo graphic siya, pero, sige na nga. Dati kasi, lagi kong bitbit, the most pressing numbers are vital signs. 'Pag hindi ganun ang usapan, I purposefully distance myself not only from the work to be done but and everything that goes with it. 'Yung generally seryoso naman ako as much as I can pero moody ako so maraming loop holes pa rin. 'Di maaiwasan 'yun e. Pero I never ever took myself seriously. Parang malaking joke lang talaga sa akin ang mga nakaraang taon na umabot na sa dekada. 'Yung tingin ko superficial 'yung mga labor ko pero siguro, 'yung naging bitbit ko e is magkaroon ng solid connections sa kung sino mang kasama ko. 'Yun, 'di mafe-fake 'yun. So, ngayon, para maiba naman... ganun pa rin naman pero mas kailangan kong tignan na vital signs ang mga bagay-bagay na 'di naman go for the kill. More of delivering decently and more intentionally. Again, I'm not gonna make it agad-agad and will fail so miserably, pero, ayokong sayangin 'to. 'Di dahil may gusto akong patunayan pero simply put, siguro, kaya ako andito is to learn how to value myself better the right way. 'Yung kinder approach instead of the barda way. 'Yung gentle pero firm which does not only happen outside but most importantly, kinder self-talk. Dati kasi, sobrang negative ko mag-motivate sa sarili ko e. It gets things done like when I had to make choices for my mom and lola, I'd be like: Wala naman kasing ibang gagawa so no choice. Ang lala 'di ba? Ang lala talaga. So, simulan natin dito: Gawin mo kasi kaya mo. Kaya mo at gusto mo 'yan. Puwede ka namang mag-no pero pinili mong gawin kasi may ambag ka na uniquely ikaw ang may bitbit. Huy. Bakit naiiyak na naman ako? Ganun talaga e. When Caterie is crawling, maraming bato at rough edges na nadaanan.

And this time around din, pag kinakamusta ako ng small circle ko, mas may kwento na beyond "OK NAMAN" or "OK LANG". Hindi na sobrang monosyllabic na sagot na need pa ng ilang hours or araw bago mag-open up kahit onti. LOL.

Lapag ko lang 'to dito para 'pag nag-backread ako, check ko kung anong naganap starting today. LUH.

Caterpie Chapter

Studies show that when your body and your being are evolving, it's feel like the first time all over again.

I can't help but feel like a Caterpie the past weeks. Actually, the first time I went back to the office, I can't breathe well. I had to walk around the park outside the office because I am seriously overstimulated in a pleasantly surprising way, in general. Been OD-ing on supplements because of exposure to my Tito but I didn't get any serious symptoms except for the seemingly tougher time to inhale and exhale. That evening walk tested my URTI-susceptible lungs and so far, it seems like there's nothing to be worried about.

I tried snapping a few photos and videos to hopefully appease my senses, and yes, I was able to clear my head. BGC is sedated at this week since people are mostly enjoying the last straw of the "circling back to you" season, too. While I miss this hub's 2010 vibes, there's no turning back. It is what it is, here and now.

And so, why Caterpie? I've been trying to understand why my attempt to be in my dalisay era is making me buttery like that of Boracay's Station 1 sand on a early morning na wala pang bakas ng footprints ng iba except for those who walk and uuwi pa lang sa hotel or hostel nila. Lapagan mo na rin ng sunrise sa Bulabog side para sa 10K steps starter pack. LOL. Seryoso.

It's been weeks since I first noticed this officially; but I'd have to attribute this insight to the first time I heard dad was in deep trouble because he'd be taking care of ina around this time last year by himself. I made sure that I choose better words and while I really didn't know that I'd have to face another version of "tawid to other side" season ang isa na namang nanay, January 2023 is pivotal. I purposefully tried to conceal this bit because I don't want to cause any hassle to anyone.

The sleepless nights started to creep in occasionally, but, I can't afford to see my dad without help during this helpless and hopeless season. It's not about paying it forward as I've told him that I'd want him to experience the hurt of making tawid his own mother when her time comes; however, time and paradigm shift heal even the deepest wounds. To be more specific, this "wish" is not from a place of anger. I didn't even wish that ina expires soon as she's the silent matriarch who looks after her 80+ kids, apo, and apo sa tuhod. This " death wish" is from a place of deep emptiness. It's me wishing my dad to be in my shoe so he'd hopefully understand what I really mean. Fast forward to January 2023 which is also the birthday week of ina. "Anak, parang 'di ko yata kaya alagaan si ina. Uulit na naman tayo, parang sa nanay mo."

I chuckled and told him that we've been there and done that. I sourced a care team for ina and that he'd be fine under my wing, remotely. I confessed my "wish" and told him that this time around, while we'd have to go through a similar chapter, we'd manage it better and stronger. Dad was dumbfounded. He broke in tiny tears. I tapped his back and hugged him. LOL.

Ganun pala 'yun noh? Alam mo ng napatawad mo na magulang mo sa mga shit nilang malala 'pag 'di nila na kailangang mag-sorry. 'Yung alam mong 'di naman mahirap magpatawad, pero, as an anak, may expectation ka sa kanila na even sila 'di nila expected, ergo, wala sa framework ng utak nila. Hindi dahil masama silang magulang. Iba lang talaga ang expectation ng millennials sa parents nila. Kakanood ng existentialism shit show, for me. Kidding aside, nung napatawad ko tatay kong pakitong-kitong fully and totally, gradually, mas naging forgiving ako lalo sa sarili ko; which is my other favorite vice. Sorry, self. Bawi ako. Watch me. Ako naman.

As I start another new year, an outdated social construct, let this be a reminder that it's okay to be gentle, to lower my guards, to let ambient light and sound in my ecosystem, once again. LUH. Shemay. And so, with that, let this new season take me to heights where un-CTRL + ALT + DEL my emotions bit by bit, no matter how slow it's gonna take me there as a Caterpie.

It's not easy kasi addicted ako sa adrenaline and when the cortisol levels are being regulated lalo na 'pag walang halong kemikal, the effects are crazy. 'Yung feeling na parang shet, ano ba? Softie ka because, impostor ka. Hahahaha. Daig pa sharing nung friend ko na transitioning e. 'Yung legit na from fight or fight to fight or flight 'wag ma-fright szn is real pero here's to dalisay Shirakawago canal, buttercup!

Let me just take an inspiration from a few things that are kahihiyan in my book for life which include: (1) Crying out loud kasi 'di ko na talaga kaya at ayaw ko back in November about something that concerns legit space invasion matters. Tinanong ako kung okay ba ako in between fucked up ugly cry shit show. Sabi ko yata is yes, I'm okay. Bye. Sorry, 'di ko na talaga kaya. Hahahahaha. Shemay. Eto talaga pinnacle na isa ng kahihiyan pero kasi, 'di ako mareklamo ng legit sa feelings ko lalo outside my very curated small circle. Matiisin kasi talaga ako e. 'Di lang halata.

Side Note: Nikwento ko sa tatay ko kahapon. Sabi ba naman, panget ka talagang umiyak kaya ayokong naiyak ka. Ang lala mo e pero ganyan ka talaga. Either super tawa or super iyak simula nung sanggol ka.

(2) Session with my 4th anak-anakan where luwas siya Manila and that very late night a few months back. I had to ask her many times kung ilang taon na ba siya because she still looks like a pre-teen in my eye. I'm holding onto to her line: Ate, I want to be a doctor to live longer. 10 years din 'yun. :) It's also her saving the anhedonia, recovering suicidal bitch me, so win-win. Magsama na kami as we try to battle this shit together kasi pupunta pa kaming Japan. :P (3) Seeing my brother and his pre-teen panganay hold hands while walking. I really felt that it's a sign that I've raised him as a decent person. 'Yung tagos na kahit my sins are scarlet as a panganay na malala, he's trying his best to be "mabuting tao" through it all. And that his imperfections are his gifts, too. Tinatanong pa ako paano magpalaki ng bata, aba. Malay ko ba naman doon as an ate lang naman akong overthinker e. Hahahaha.

(4) Seeing my brother proudly carrying his bunso. While I "hate" kids, nag-full circle na kapatid ko. Natupad na niya ultimate wish niya. 'Di siya baog. Hahahaha. Shemay. Gatas and vaxx assist incoming na lang talaga, because... lol. (5) Witnessing how dad is really trying his best in spite his really serious andropause era. Utusan ko na talaga siya officially. Hahahahaha. When he washed MatchaME and while at it, kwento niya how the nine-month old me paddled (assisted by his palms, syempre) sa ilog sa sleepy town ni ina ko and that sabayan ko raw agos, 'wag labanan. LUH. Hahahahahaha. Words of wisdom meets operational excellence siya diyan e.

(6) Ricky Lee's super basic reminder na lagi't lagi, maging mabuting tao sa tulong ng pagsulat. Insert Haruki Murakami x Beegees x Beatles x Bread PL here. 'Di remastered para grainy sounds pero may bearing din naman talaga ang remastered... ibang universe siya, so 'wag nating pag-talunan. :) Depends na lang talaga anong trip ng tunog at takada mo para mas ma-inspire sa pag-tawid ng kung ano mang dapat mong itawid.

(6) Umaatikabong sessions with my other anak-anakan na doctor na 'di talaga mukhang doctor as he is learning the ebbs and flows of being the household head. Ang lala as a bunsong spoiled, but, I'm sure that he'd do better kasi 'pag hindi, untog ko siya sa toilet bowl.

Also, baka naman kaya lang ganito 'yung pakiramdam ko, maliban sa mga nabanggit... is... because... kilig levels 100000000000000 for approved Japan visa. Parang ang onti ng 30 days for 5 years, kasi sabi ko 10 sa application e. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Syempre, dad got it yesterday on my behalf first hour ng suking agency sa South. Dad bashed me bakit daw nagbook ng flight agad e 'di pa naman sure. Sabi ko naman, true love 'yan. Tatayaan mo lang talaga kahit 50-50 chances of winning as a sanay matalo at gustong manalo girly. But, seriously, ang mahal ng flights ngayon. Tacca. Nagbook na rin ng hotel travel buddies ko for me though may ilang days pa na wala akong kasama because, titignan natin kung maliligaw ba tayo sa Tokyo. Very good kasi so far, etong trip na 'to, wala akong stress. Pipili na lang talaga ako anong ilapag nila. Saka grabe silang mag-plan. Google sheet na detailed plus may links to my DM agad-agad. Nag-sorry na ako agad sa kanila kasi 'di ko talaga maupuan 'tong Japan planning na 'to kasi 'di ko pa nga maplano ng mainam mga stuff sa buhay at bahay ko. Good to know na 'yung hotel ay Top 1 choice nung super friend ko as napaka picky person. Aligned din sa gusto kong photowalk eme at mga ganaps pero syempre, as a bobong navigator, good luck sa akin. May Takeshi's Castle kaya doon na parang real life? Saan ba may calamares na masarap doon? Hahahahaha. Check ko na rin 'to.

Side Note: 'Di umano, March 10 ang new moon. Hahahahahahahahaha. Anniv ng nanay ko at tatay ko. Tacca. :D Sana tama 'yung search na nilagay ko, though.

Eto na naman ako nadadarang sa USJ with USJ hotel checklist na 'di ko nacheckan nung 2020. Tatawid ko muna ang pinaka hindik-hindik na paghahanda para ma-approve ang aking leave. 'Di kasi ako sanay naguutos saka laging iniisip ko is paano ba makaka-bootstrap so need ko rin rework utak and kaibuturan ko na I'm in this era na kung saan, I'm the client na and goal is to be super up to speed and learn faster and better. LOL. Luh.

Super tempted akong isama ang tatay ko kaso, this trip is my trip. Next time na lang ulit siya. Aywaw. 'Di talaga tayo natatakot kahit kanino. At sabi niya pa, ang lamig daw doon for sure pero may solid na FOMO vibes siya. Also, bike tayo paahon para mas handa tayo sa 'di umaayaw na biking tours ng Tokyo emerut. Baka ending neto puro bike pero paano ang drips? Paano? Saan ba makakahanap ng gravel folding bike or single gear na may basket or folding hybrid bike for rent? Kung puwede ko lang bitbitin si MatchaME doon pero ayokong i-risk siyang masira ng magagaling nating airline people. 'Di naman siya hassle i-travel kaya nga siya kinuha ko. 11 kg is not bad at all. Pero that means, less luggage space, less curated drips. HUY. Ang aga na naman nito! Ngayon pa lang, 'di na ubra pabebe rides ko, aba. Humanda! HIHIHIHIHI.

NP: Sugar, Sugar (The Archies)

A Very Bad Good Girl x Rewind

Cinema is said to be a reflection of one's nation and its people. I say, any decent film is also a Mirror of Erised that's either too crass or too classy.

One of the reasons why I took up communication research is to deepen my roots on how frameworks are engineered and optimized to fit my current stance. It's not about the shiny badge of UPDi, it's just me being perpetually curious.

One of the things I did over the long holiday break is to randomly check content as I've been too out of touch. Of course, I'd definitely choose Ooku: The Inner Chambers over A Very Good Girl, however, I'd need to immerse myself in local mainstream films, because, one of my very few GCs is poppin' rainbows about an upcoming debrief. Kidding aside, it's my attempt to immerse in the perspective of my "audience of one" when it comes to work. Yes, work. More so, films are very easy access passes to what the pulse of the nation is, even when I'd have to yawn and laugh dryly so many times while at it.

In line with new stories for 2024, let me share my thoughts and feelings about A Very Good Girl. Alert: Spoilers incoming; however, I'd list down the stuff I gathered instead of lambasting and praising it straight up.

1 The male gaze is currently severely butchered but it's still a butch or femme butch scene, after all. Sorry, not sorry. I'd like to see an unapologetic ultra femme era of films in my lifetime, to be honest.

2 Women in films are on their way to find their safe space without sacrificing a safe space for all. Being immersed in feminism and postmodernism, the truth is that you can't advocate for safe space if you aim to silence the males in any social setting. As a reformed radical feminist, I'm still learning this ground. It's not easy, but it's for the greater good.

3 This film talks about how this country is still ruled by familial ties and feudalism.

4 Production and tiny details make or break the story even when your audience of one is but a passerby or a stranger.

5 While the film tackles the power struggle of females, the subtext I'm getting is that it's a class act involving the Philippines and her people. LOL. Money, fame and power are means to make you appear convenient; but, in reality, everything has a floor and a ceiling you can't escape nor evade. The poor and middle class clamor for these three pillars, however, it's all about being good even when you and the rest of universe make really, really bad choices each time.

Side Note: Sana lang, 'wag masyadong antagonized ang rich and poor masyado. 'Di naman kasalanan ng mahirap na mahirap sila in the same manner na 'di naman kasalanan ng mayaman na mayaman sila, right? And I think that this film has made a decent commentary about this topic.

6 As the media is silenced, harassed and policed with literal and figurative machineries, films are more experimental and more vibrant and dull, all together.

7 Scripts and deliveries do not exactly co-exist; but, I'd like to believe that we're probably off to better heights.

8 The agenda setting and unmuting the muted groups may be lost in translation because the dresses and the accessories seem to take the center stage. I know this is an attempt to put forward a more presentable cake to be eaten by the dogs and the underdogs, however, there should always be context so that the audience masticates is better.

9 Research as Paulo Coelho shares in one of his books is super duper integral to any literary work. I also believe that this is what's lacking in most films in the Philippines. 10 After the credits roll, what matters most is the lesson that the audience of one accepts or rejects. Period. Now, the question is: How deep did the film really go?

11 Not all women are meant to be mothers. But any woman can be a mother, so as long as there is a child who's willing or unwilling to be mothered.

12 Being a child is not bound by age, folio or social class. Being a child may be an adult's most "adulting" thing to down.

13 At times, women take too much heat in any kitchen. Asking for help especially when she can't cook is the cross in which women crucify themselves. This bit hits home a little too much, but hey, that's the truth, the hard pill I am downing, currently.

14 This film seems to be an attempt to shed light on dramatic and tragic-comedic existentialism. OPAK. Ako lang naman 'to since bias ko 'yan e.

Is there such a thing as a signature Filipino film style? This is something that I've been searching for since my biases are European or Japanese films. It's actually tough to answer a yes, but saying no seems tougher. There are a good number of films like Sakada, Serbis, Cuchera, Ekstra, Pamilya Ordinaryo, Nerseri, Posas, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, Engkwentro, Moral, Anak, That Thing Called Tadhana and Muli that have a strong sense of what the Filipinos are made of. In the same manner, these films seem to remind me of foreign films at some level. I try my best not to compare, however, I guess that I'd have to be more forgiving in my next viewings.

More so, regional films are yet to be highlighted as I know so well that our culture beyond Manila is so rich, pure and worth the budget. As one of Anthony Bourdain's visits to PH says it, we are not even regional; we're archipelagic. I'd like to witness a Philippine cinema scene where there's a vibe of pride about the mundane. I'd like to move beyond fake resiliency, sex sells, more sex sells more even when the lighting and editing is really trashy. I'm hoping to see our own theater arts mold our film dreams, hopes, and fears.

---

I'd also like to share that dad watched Rewind and shared the whole story with me this morning. I told him that before he starts, I am on the verge of telling him to skip it the movie and his sharing, because it's gonna be a blood bath; however, this is me, letting him be.

Of course, he didn't bother checking the trailer and the reviews. And so, he gave a blow by blow account of this movie's story. In between bashing and laughing with him, he told me that he's been a very bad dad, all this time. He even enumerated the missed attendances because he was "too busy" with work that's actually manageable. He further confessed that he could have been more present in our lives when we were growing up instead of growling like a beast even at our slightest hiccups. He shared that he'd be more than willing to go back in time to make bawi for his misgivings. I flatly told him that he's not giving... giving up, now and until his forever ends, eventually.

It felt as though he's on his Walk of Shame era with a dog cone and butt naked as he goes around the UPDi Ikot and Toki route. But, I tried my best not to get too bored and tuned in. His sharing lasted for almost 45 minutes, I think.

I chuckled and told him several times that it's his first time to be a dad, a parent; so, naturally, things are always on beta test mode. He told me that if he could rewind our past, he could have chosen to give up his dear life for mom to live longer. He meant what he said. This broke my hypothalamus in the same manner that it gave me a piece of peace that I'm aiming at.

I joked him: Dad, 'di ka naman magso-sorry 'di ba? He said: Alam mo naman tatay mo, iiyak, pero 'di magso-sorry. Me: Sus. OK.

I breathed deeply and told him that everything happens for a reason and that I'd like him to be with me for a long while, perhaps, longer than my original ask. I'd like him to let go of the past and should we talk about the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly, may those be parts of healthy kwentuhans and batuhans. I'm also sure that this is no longer about mother dragon's smirk alone. This time around, it's about me and him and my brother making it together and emerging better.

Ah, January 3, you're something weird, wonky and wonderful! Perhaps, one of the things I'd see in the Mirror of Erised is dad and I biking around Japan for two straight weeks. LOL. Huy, tigil mo na 'yan, back to regular programming ka na in a few hours. Let's go!

Better Stories Incoming

In line with training my protein and Vitamin D-deficient social muscles, let's let better stories march in, yes?

It's my last day for a leave and I'd like to start it with trying to share as much new stories that are worthwhile. It's not gonna be easy as I'm usually housed in my tiny Manila home, but, I guess that it's gonna make RTO better and more manageable. Also trying to be more at peace with city life that's obviously here to stay for the next three years. Tiny house outside Manila will be my delulu halfway house for roadtrips and food trips, so, I think that works, too.

January 1 started strong with two stories from my purple people which really caught me off guard. Been doing household chores and errands since we're adulting, too.

I missed a few calls from a good friend and asked her what's up. She usually calls when she's in Manila, BGC to be exact and wants to hang out and/or has an SOS. I asked her what's up because I'm kinda on my toes for the past days about her. She called back and I was greeted by her French tip nails with a ring on her finger. She's officially engaged to her boyfriend. I had no reaction at first and was thinking if I wanna cry since their love story is a curious one. I didn't go there. The BF is Spanish and can't speak Tagalog yet, so the conversation was kinda strained. LOL.

When I finally understood the purpose of the call, I congratulated them. My intuition has been telling me that this is coming last December so instead of the usual kamusta, I asked my friend to make sure that her nails are always spot on. Nakining naman. Hahahahaha. I've been praying for this couple since Day Zero. When they started dating, my friend has been updating me about the ganaps and as a silent fan girl no matter what, I cheered for her to just let it happen. HAHAHAHAHA. Lowkey lang talaga ang galawan, ang support, walang bakas online ako kasi nga people will always say things naman, so whatever. :p I told my friend that I've got her and even when I need to lobby this to her parents, push. Hahahaha. Ganung levels ng ganaps kasi nga, you know, her parentals are booming and bombing. 'Pag kinamusta ako kung anong balita sa anak nila, I usually say: Malaki na po and of age anak ninyo, tito. Kaya na po niya sarili niya. Hihihihi. Tiwala lang.

I remember "approving" and "recommending" edits and slants for her lowkey captions when they were still dating. HAHAHAHA. Borderline enabler talaga ako because true love knows no fear HOWEVER, lowkey is the key, after all... always. No hard launch unless sure na... 'yan sabi ko sa kanya. LELS. So every time she'd post a run, a hike, a bike, alam na kung ano ganap at sino kasama. 'Di ako kilig actually during their dating season kasi I'm looking after my friend since she's a hopeless romantic and it's her first time to have a serious relationship, kaya super duper alalay mode ako sa kanya pero not toxic kasi nga, mabait na ako. :p Plus, dasal levels namin dito is 100000000000000.

There'd be too many times when she'd ask why things happen that way and all I'd say is: Ganyan talaga. Keep at it. Kung 'di mag-work, e 'di move on; but darling, what if you fly? CHOZ. These convos spanned across the universe for about 2 or 3 years, I think.

As a fan of showbiz and Kardashians and Taylor siya, this expat friend wants photos and videos of her ganaps, even her engagement. Syempre, pinakita sa akin photos when the BF went down on one knee. Sappy, corny, pero, OK. Ginalingan... just the way my friend likes it. Audience lang naman ako. In fairness, sa nails lang talaga ako focused kasi 'di maganda natural nails ni friend ko. LOL. Bonus: Teal pa color ng nails niya sa engagement. :p

Hindi rin ako kinilig sa news kasi for me, dapat lang naman ma-engage sila noh. Hahahahahaha. Since we're of prime age and the goal of dating nung friend ko is to marry and not to fucking play around, sabi ko talaga: Please Lord, eto na dapat 'yun kasi anong petsa na, right? Please lang. As in. Paki gawaan na ng paraan. Lord, unahin mo muna love life neto. If meron for me, prio mo ko next. Eto kasing friend ko, ang daming gusto na timebound. Ako naman, bahala ka na lang after matawid 'yung kaniya. HAHAHAHAHA. Side Note: Since matandang dalaga a number of my small circle, believe it or not, when I pray, inuuna ko talaga 'yung mga sobrang prio nila sa listahan ang makasal agad at magkaanak before the eggs expire. Hahahaha. Seryoso 'yan a, lalo when it involves crying ng mga decent single women na kulang na lang talaga e lalaking magmamahal sa kanila ng todo at totoo. LOLOLL. Me: Lord, okay naman akong maghintay PLUS syempre, etong mga 'to e kailangang dumaan sa mga basic level muna ng relationship bago mapadpad sa advanced level, so, I'm willing to wait; even kinda late. LUH. Hahahahahaha. Shemay.

So, answered prayer for January 1 tayo real slow and steady. This side of me is pretty much undetectable because I'm guarding my hidden heart from intruders who'd fuck my giver self hard, to be honest. However, this news is walang salag in as far as true love knows no fear and boundaries, talaga. :) It's not even about how big and solid the diamond is though I can't unsee. Hahahahaha. Kaya pala todo tipid 'tong BF niya sa gifts sa kanya nung mga nakaraang celebrations nila. HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI. Syempre, nagulat kami nung friend ko kasi 'di naman mahilig BF niya sa gifts na bongga. Gusto niya meaningful which I really like kasi my friend buys too much stuff na. :p 'Yung too much levels na ako na mismo nagpipigil sa kanya pero coping strategy niya 'yun 'pag stress siya sa work with matching approval from me at times especially when pop of color is involved. Tawang-tawa nga ako kasi pati ako ba naman, laging may: Mamsh, gusto mo? Me: PHP po ako, ikaw HKD with gingko biloba. Lubayan mo ako. Alis. Hahahahaha. As a lakas-maka shalang career woman who's rocking her expat life, being her beau is not easy. Workaholic 'to e; pero she really made time and effort for her relationship to take center stage. Syempre, todo adjustments sa work flow niyang 'di umaayaw forda BGC condo and forda bills in life; but, sabi ko nga: If you want things to pan out well, mag-effort ka. Itodo mo pero mag-tira ka rin for yourself, just in case shit hits the pan.

And we're here and now. :) They're a solid step closer to her version of Endgame na. Wala na rin akong biglaang visits sa Pinas whereas dahil stressed siya, biglang may flight kami kung saan para lang mag-bonding kami ng todo. Hahahaha. Eto pa isa sa dasal ko kasi super duper clingy 'tong friend ko na 'to: Lord, bigyan mo siya ng travel buddy na, partner in crime all the way pa. Please. Para maka-exit frame na ako bilang napaka moody and clingy netong taong ito.

May ilang flights and trips kaming out of budget ko talaga kasi mhie, marami po tayong inaasikaso. Nag-away pa kami at times kasi nga, she'll shoulder all expenses paid levels and sabi ko naman: Too generous pero i-save mo na lang 'yan for your next designer buys. HAHAHHAHA. Medyo may FO na legit levels na rin kami lalo nung nasa Palawan ako and birthday celeb niya na ako lang wala. :p Sabi ko naman na we planned everything na so kahit wala ako doon, it's fine. Nagalit ba naman ng malala. Simple lang naman daw ng wish niya and she knows I like trips. Nagalit din ako kasi nga, 'wag ako kasi ayoko pang bumalik sa Manila. Hahahahahaha.

And sooooo, here we go, 2024! Patuloy mo akong gulatin, please? Also, more reasons to keep my weight and work-hustles under control because two weddings are gonna come late this year or early next year na agad-agad, January 2 pa lang. Woohoo. ;) Sana December wedding na 'di makakaabala sa mga leaves ko or -ber para 'di mainit, unless beach wedding 'tong mga 'to na sana maganda ang sunset and may full moon party involved. LOL. Daming gusto noh? Abangan!