Tumgik
#making this was so tiring but im proud of myself for doing it!!!!!
cathalbravecog · 8 months
Text
Tumblr media
i'm the antonymph of the internet
#how many tributes to this song will i make in my life#MANY ! it literally changed my life and means a lot to me. i love antonymph and vylet pony's music is worth checking out - please do.#unsupervised internet access as a queer neurodivergent kid anthem !!#i chose to do misty since we all know i like drawing her in experimental pieces and putting her in outfits. she also has art in a gir hoodi#from the clash team in treasure trove!! :D#this is also experimental/stylistic as well!! had fun!! nice to just draw something in one day and not worry. leaves me tired but...#haven't done a nice piece like so in one day in a while!!! i'm very proud :] it's a fun one#anyways... both a little tribute to the song and misty as a character#ihave so many thoughts about misty even if i dont talk publicly on them. shes a very interesting character to me and i care about her so#much. i compared her to fluttershy in the past - and realized that if i liked ttcc as a kid she would've been my favorite.#fluttershy on her own meant a lot to me as a child. including mlp itself as it's one of the core things that got me into drawing art online#a lot of my analysis on misty and headcanons at least on the more emotional scale do come from a bit of projecting but...it makes it more#fun to me when i can put myself into the shoes of a character like her who i already relate to. rrghh too bad im scared to talk about her#too much in nuanced detail in public since some people are... not so nice about her. though i know the tumblr audience is nice and unders#standing!!#anyways from me just having fun being me#i let misty have a little bit of fun... something i think she would possibly enjoy? i do see her as someone who gets nostalgic#and is stuck in more childish things and matters. she wants to play ip dip with you...its very sweet to me. letting myself and her be#confident through a song that means so much to me is kind of powerful to me. i had a lot of fun making this drawing.#anyways. love this song. love ttcc. love mity /p. be swag and be self indulgent and have fun. you can do anything u want forevah#toontown#toontown corporate clash#antonymph#guz art#rainmaker
51 notes · View notes
drifloonz · 1 year
Note
can you do one where glitchy red meets his s/o through the game. At first he doesn’t trust them, but slowly starts to trust them when they tell him they relate to his feeling of being forgotten and discarded 👀
ofc, ofc !! this man is so affection and touchstarved fr . please give his gameboy screen a little kiss. he probably won't feel it but he'll appreciate it. i also actually Wrote for this one bc i felt like it was more appropriate. these have little timeskips or pov changes which are indicated whenever i separate paragraphs with the _ symbol. hope u enjoy.
this is long but i think most people know i write more than necessary at this point + this is Actual Writing and not a bulleted hc post
It was your typical Friday evening - you were walking around a local game store you've grown quite familiar with these past couple of months, visiting it every so often since it had a lot more agreeable prices than the egregious ones people asked for on sites like eBay. You usually came here with one goal in mind - find some sweet old games that caught your eye, maybe even a console if you felt like it, and take some home to play eventually. It was a nice schedule you had, and it got you out of the house a lot more often, which you always needed since otherwise, you were pretty much a hermit.
And after all, you had a lot more spending money recently in the past few years. You've always loved videogames - so you decided to make it a habit to go here more often, trying to play more of the games you couldn't afford or find back when you were a lot younger... but today, one particular cartridge caught your eye - on one of those Used Games racks you'd see at some stores, stuck in plastic protective casing since it no longer had a box connected to it... was a copy of the original pokemon games.
These original games felt elusive to you as a child. You were a little too young to grow up with them - your first Pokemon Games being around the DS era. You know what they looked like and the basics of it all... but why the hell not? Revisiting classics was all you came to this store to do, so you might as well snag it. After all, it was even used and really really cheap, compared to prices you'd see elsewhere. You'd prefer a fresh copy with the box included, but you'll take what you can get, especially since most people would make you pay outrageous money for an untouched copy, so... score.
You decided to open the display case and take it with you, beginning the walk to the cash register, but also keeping an eye out for anything else interesting. After all, you had a lot more money than just the 6$ or so the cartridge was being sold at... and you then realized you didn't even have a Gameboy - your old childhood hand-me-down Gameboy Color is probably long gone or dead by now. And like destiny, your eyes met with a rack full of Gameboys. Originals, Colors, Advances, SPs... It was beautiful, truly. But one caught your eye. A red Gameboy Color. You might as well buy a red one, right? It fit the namesake of the cartridge you were basically buying this for anyways. You looked around for a few more minutes, before buying only those two - it was a decent haul, you'd say.
... Little did you know, you were also taking home a consciousness you weren't aware of.
_
Although he wasn't able to do anything since he was either taken out of the console or shut down ( he couldn't tell, not remembering what the last player did clearly anyways, which he'd assume means they'd suddenly shut off the console without warning ) he could hear. Barely, but he could.
Muffled sounds, blurry voices, and distant music that rang throughout whatever building he was in, now. It was sort of grating, this disorienting cacophony of noises that felt far away yet so close at the same time... ringing in his ears like a migraine that wouldn't go away.
It was better than the noise he was subjected to in the game, which he got a respite from when he wasn't there, but he could still hear faint buzzing in his ears due to how often he had to hear loud grating sounds within his 2D hell, mainly when somebody decided to mess with the glitches in the game - which almost every player did without fail. He could never have a peaceful playthrough without the person failing to see it to the end, and either pawning him off, or getting bored and deciding to mess the game up against his wishes.
Oh well. He can vaguely feel the texture of being placed in some sort of bag, as the sounds muffle further. He doesn't believe this time will be different. Why would it?
_
Eventually, you return home, holding your backpack in hand. You usually brought it with you, since sometimes you'd overspend and sort of need a backpack to carry everything - but this time you were pretty good with your impulsive spending. You immediately walked upstairs to your room, opening the door and feeling that familiar warmth, and the whir of the fan you kept on for background noise. You opened your backpack, setting down your two finds on your desk... as you open the plastic protective casing of the Gameboy cartridge, and realize something.
The transparent casing it was held in to protect it seemed to hide the fact that it looked... a lot cheaper than a legitimate copy should be - the sticker looking more saturated and not really form-fitting to the cartridge it was stuck on. But maybe someone just tore up the sticker and tried to replace it...?
You never really played the OG Pokemon Red - it was a little past your era, as stated before - so it's not like you truly knew, but... the cartridge also felt off, like it was made with what you can only describe as plastic that felt like it was supposed to be used on a McDonald's toy rather than a game cartridge. Oh well. It was cheap anyway, and that'd probably be why.
You just hope it wasn't damaged.
To take your mind off of the possible disappointment, you quickly take out the newly bought Gameboy Color and insert the cartridge inside. The old yet familiar jingle plays through the bit-crushed speakers, as the intro plays... You realize you never even played FireRed or LeafGreen either - really, your only exposure to Kanto was through Lets Go, which you didn't have the energy to finish - the Pokemon Go gimmicks in it being kind of obnoxious in your opinion - and through Heartgold and Soulsilvers postgame... which sort of had terrible level scaling, now that you think back on it. You have to replay those too, one day. Just not today.
The original pokemon theme plays at the title screen, as you simply pause and listen to it for a while, enjoying the nostalgia for something that you've never even played... until you get impatient and simply press the play button, starting a new save. Normally, you'd name the protagonist your own name - but since you couldn't pick a gender ( the girl / feminine protagonists designs just looked better in your opinion ) and you didn't really feel personally attached to the OG - and you also couldn't customize him as you could with the protagonists in Gen 6 and onward. So you decided to just keep his name as plain and simple RED.
He was much more of an existing character than a blank-slate protagonist to you anyways, but that's probably just because you didn't grow up with this game. You know, come to think about it, it's sort of funny this original RED design never stuck. Ash was his anime counterpart ( although Red also appears in the anime but isn't the central protagonist and is usually moreso in spinoff animes ) and in Firered and Leafgreen he eventually got redesigned... You sort of liked his original colors and black hair. You think they kept that design for Lets Go since it was a faithful(..ish) remake, and also something something Pokemon timeline theory, but you didn't really know. Eh.
After naming your rival BLUE to fit with choosing the "canon" names, you began playing. Nothing seemed off, yet. Maybe the cartridge just got a little messed up and they had to fix it as best they could for it to be presentable or something? Who knows.
You play as normal, noticing that Red seemed to... sometimes have internal monologues? Once again. You never played the original pokemon red, hell, not even FRLG, but you don't think that's supposed to be like that... but you simply let it be. It was probably normal, right?
You at least... hoped it was.
_
A few hours pass, as you seem to play as normally as a Pokemon Red player could - relatively, at least. You obviously weren't a child from the way you played, grinding in certain spots for longer than necessary, nicknaming your Pokemon things that were legible and had interesting meanings ( not that he'd admit that ), and doing pretty well for yourself overall - even catching as many pokemon as you could per area. This wasn't necessarily a good thing - it was almost always the adults that happened to mess with him the most, despite their nostalgia... He didn't make his presence too clear yet. His body ached from being forced to move, but he got used to it. He always did.
He's felt this all before. Experienced it all before. Nothing surprises him at this point - players are awfully predictable when there's only a limited amount of things you can do in a game, especially one like the OG Pokemon Red. He even usually guessed what his players would catch and put on their team accurately, about 90% of the time - it wasn't different with you, not whatsoever. None of this was new.
The way you played seemed... innocent, for now. But that's how it always started, didn't it? Innocent, unassuming... until they've decided they're done playing the game in its intended way, and try to play god with the world he lived in. He knew the second whoever was behind the screen this time - because he had a sneaking suspicion the asshole who got a hold of him last time pawned him off - would just get bored like all the others, and mess with things that were not to be messed with. Same old, same old.
After you beat your third gym, he starts to get tired of this, almost wishing you'd get bored faster so his hope would be crushed even faster, and so he'd just get it all over with.
He might as well make his own torment go faster, at least.
_
[ Why are you doing this? ]
The textbox appears out of nowhere in a point you were absolutely certain it wasn't supposed to - you weren't talking to anybody... And.. no matter how much you pressed A, the text wouldn't advance. Your eyes widen in slight fear. You knew something was up... and you were enjoying your time, too.
You didn't know how to respond. I mean, why would you? It's just a game, it's just probably some edited code. Until the textbox scrolls, slowly spelling out something else.
[ Speak. ]
You read the text and don't do what it asks for a solid minute, going through all of this in your head. The funny thing is that other than the game clearly trying to talk to you, you almost found it more disturbing that the textbox was using italics. You don't think the pokemon red font ever had italics...??? It almost implied that whoever was talking to you was trying to express a certain tone, despite only communicating through text. You... were curious. And scared.
"Why can't you?" you speak out loud - despite it seeming improbable that the device could hear you. But it was clearly asking.
[ That's a stupid question. ]
Is all the textbox responds with. Fair enough, you supposed, but that was... pretty rude. You sigh, and decide to just answer the question, since this thing can hear you. You hoped this was a fucked up fever dream.
"Fine. Doing what? Playing... the game..? Do you want me to do something else?" You ask the strange entity, confused and a little more frustrated than you are scared now.
[ I don't care. ] It starts. [ Do whatever you want. ]
"You don't seem to want me to do what I want, considering you stopped me." You call the entity out. The textbox is simply three dots for a second, before deciding to respond.
[ Maybe I don't want to be bothered... ] The textbox scrolls, as the player sprite, RED, walks a tile forward - despite textboxes usually not allowing you to move - and also, you didn't move him. He moved by himself. You start to connect the puzzle pieces. [ By someone who's just here to take advantage of me again. ]
You feel a little guilty. You didn't know exactly... what he meant? But you begin to realize that... this was RED, at least, you think. He did have some oddly introspective inner thoughts that you feel weren't supposed to happen... so it all lined up.
"... all i'm doing is trying to play." You say, looking guilty. He almost felt bad. Almost.
[ That's what they always say, until they get tired and throw me away like some toy. ]
If you felt cheekier, you'd tell him that the GameBoy is technically a toy, but that'd just feel unnecessarily rude and unwarranted right now. You avert your eyes, feeling ... some sort of heavy gaze on you, despite the only people in the room being you and... technically RED. You ... related to his plight. Not because you were a seemingly sentient character trapped in a game, no, just because you felt like people'd replace you at a moment's notice and throw you away for "better" people, or whenever they get tired of you.
"What do you even mean by that?"
[ No one cares about me. They replaced me without a second thought. And anybody who comes back to play this broken game simply does it to exploit it, not to enjoy it as it was meant. ]
You ponder his words for a moment, before even more seem to show up - you... seemed to hit a sensitive spot.
[ My body isn't even mine. My autonomy doesn't belong to me, it belongs to whoever decides to puppeteer me that day. ]
The textbox continues, but you cut it off, noticing that he's essentially rambling to himself... in text form. "So what do you want me to do? Turn off the game? Just... stop playing?"
The textbox pauses again, simply turning back to the sloooowly typed [ ... ] it seems to turn into when he's thinking.
[ Just give me a break. For at least a little while. Don't turn it off, though. ] He says. He doesn't expect you to follow through, but... you simply abide by his wishes, sighing and propping the Gameboy against a wall.
_
For weeks and weeks, that's just how it'd continue. He'd sometimes let you play, either opting to barely say anything, or sometimes being particularly talkative that day, usually to be slightly rude and criticize your choices. It was sort of annoying, but oh well. Other times, he simply wanted to be left alone, but you notice he barely requests to be turned off. He understands it if the battery is low, but other than that... he doesn't seem to like the idea of it. Which you can understand. You'd assume it'd be like going into a coma where someone else controls when you wake up.
Eventually, though, he'd open up to you more and more. Baby steps, but still steps.
"...You know, I always sort of preferred the original Red design."
[ ... Really? ]
He felt like he was blushing. Not that you could tell, nor could he... but it made him feel nice. It didn't help that you saying that came out of nowhere, but he'd grown used to it. You seemed socially awkward, so he didn't mind.
That day, you two simply conversed more about Red's issues. You wanted to understand him better... And he liked that you seemed to care.
_
It was some... day. He didn't know. He didn't care to ask, nor did it mean much to him. You were rambling on and on about some of the newer generations to him with such a passion... he learned earlier on that you'd never played the original games, which intrigued him - it was mostly only people that had played them and wanted to mess around who ever got a hold of his cartridge. He simply nodded along, sometimes asking questions, as you continued to tell him about the future pokemon games. You'd even show him pictures of some of your favorite new 'mons, since somehow he was able to see whatever was put in front of the screen.
He knew a little bit about the newer generations, but not too much admittedly... but the way you talked about them with so much passion was... endearing. He smiled a little, not even realizing until a few seconds later.
He realized he'd developed feelings. For a player. It made him feel almost sick, even. He knew how easily his trust could be betrayed... but... maybe he could have that little spark of hope for once. Maybe he could pretend you'd be better. For once. But the way he'd hear you sometimes laugh - a genuinely positive response to the things he'd say... it was cute. It made him feel like a person again, and not just some toy to drag around.
He really liked... just, everything about you. The way you acted, the way you'd listen to his problems and often would even relate to them - he vividly remembers a conversation about also feeling like you were easily replaceable and how people just are like that sometimes - and your voice... He didn't have high standards whatsoever, but god you were out of his league. You were also... absolutely stunning from what he could see. He was smitten and he fucking hated it. God. He's mentally facepalming himself. How could this even happen to him?
It's only when he sees you looking back at the screen expecting an answer that he realizes he tuned every one of your words out while mentally panicking.
[ ... uh. Can you repeat that? ] He feels bad for asking, but he didn't want to pretend he was listening. "Oh, sure!" You give him a smile... your smile was pretty too. He wishes he saw it more often. ... why is he even thinking this about you? It's probably because you're the only one who's been this kind. He chalks it up to that and pretends to forget.
_
The feeling didn't go away. It was practically eating at his heart to not tell anyone, to not act on it. It was almost worst than anything he's been subjected to unwillingly by players. ... That was hyperbole, but he's allowed to be a little dramatic, he thinks.
You two were having some conversation about something not that important again, before he interrupts you.
[ ... Y/N. ]
He practically never refers to you by name, despite learning yours early on. It felt a bit too... intimate, too personal. But now he was using it because of that fact.
He sees your eyebrows raise. "Hm?"
[ I have something to tell you... that I've wanted to for a long time. ]
He sees your expression turn, looking curious. You definitely didn't know, which was making his nerves act up more and more. "... go on?"
[ ... I think, I'm in love with you. ]
"... you're not joking, right?" You say. He couldn't discern your voice or tone... and it scared him a little.
[ Why would I be? ]
You don't respond. He just stares, looking for a response, as he sees you smile a little. That was good. Smiling was good.
"... really?"
[ Yes. ]
He responded simply. He began to smile a little too, which was slightly visible on his sprite. He... sees your face get a little red.
"I," you start, before covering your face a little. "Wow..." You seemed to be at a loss for words. He.. feels happy about making you look so cute and flustered.
"I uhm, I.. think I'm the same way, but I never told you cuz' I... didn't think you'd feel the same." You avert your eyes. This was news to him.
[ Really? ] He starts. [ That's... so... are.. we...? ] He begins to flub his words, before straightening himself out again. [ ... Are we, uh, dating then? ]
He has no idea how to socialize with people ''normally'', and it shows. You two connected together well due to that, actually. You didn't judge him for it, and he didn't judge you for it.
"I'm not sure how I'll kiss you, but... yea. If you wanna be, I'd be happy to." You smile genuinely at him, face still red as your own heart pounds in excitement... God, you were beautiful to him.
[ I'll find a way. ] Is all he says, which would be Vaguely Ominous in any other situation, but here it just made your heart fill with butterflies. The rest of the day was spent between you two just chatting and conversing, and flirting with each other in mostly cheesy ways. Red even called you some petnames, just to test the waters. Almost all of them made you blush, no matter how cheesy they were. It felt... nice.
_
That night, you dreamt... of him. It wasn't your first dream of him, nor would it be the last, but in every previous dream his figure felt much harder to discern, much foggier as if he didn't want his presence to be known. He'd never speak or do anything other than stare at you.
But this time he looked and felt so real. He looked much older and more tired than he did in his tiny little overworld sprite... but you liked it. He simply walked up to you, and started giving you chaste kisses all over your face. You wondered if this was what his kisses would feel like if he were actually here with you... You blushed with every kiss, returning a few to his cheeks. He smiled, and he looked happy for the first time in a long time. Before you woke up, he hugged you tightly - almost too tightly - until the dream faded away, but the warmth of his hug never faded.
The next morning, you woke up to someone holding you.
82 notes · View notes
madd-nix · 2 months
Text
never gonna be enough for my dad
#vent#rant#me talking#i keep trying to put in applications and he says i need to do even more acting as if it's my fault that im not getting hired#as if im not trying hard enough#and on the rare occasions that i do get an interview#which have so far all led nowhere#then he just tells me to keep looking while i wait to hear anything and that even if i do get a job#i still need to keep looking for better and better careers#and when i finally was able to do a commission he just said 'cool then do more keep going'#first of all i need to wait for clients#and second of all cant you say youre proud that i was able to do one? that i was able to make a little extra money?#no of course he can't#it's always about moving on to the next thing and pushing myself more#oh yeah and i got my hair cut the other day#and sure i did tell the hair stylist to get it as close to a full buzzcut without being an actual buzzcut#cuz dad refuses to let me buzz my own hair and im too tired to argue at this point despite being an adult#but when he saw it i could tell he didnt like it#he gave the vague 'oh well it's different! showing more forehead. i liked it better when you had longer bangs but thats just me...'#nothing i do pleases him#im tired of it#and i dont know how to tell him that he's part of the reason i constantly feel like a fucking failure#and there have been times where i'll see a car approaching me as i drive to work and for a split second i wonder what would happen#if i hit it hard enough to kill me. then i wouldn't have to disappoint my dad anymore#although knowing him it would still be a disappointment cuz i fucked up driving so much#but i never actually consider doing it#obviously id never want to hurt the other person and if i simply swerved instead to hit a tree#where only id die#i couldnt just let myself die when i have so many others that i care about#but anyway sorry this is a lot i have a headache i promise im not gonna hurt myself it just sucks rn
6 notes · View notes
pudgybun · 2 years
Text
feeling v sensitive and v little today and I managed to make myself an awesome breakfast but haven't rly eaten since bc it is so hard and after working and helping some friends today all I wanna do is lay in bed and be fed and cuddle and watch scary (BUT NOT TOO SCARY!!!) movies with my stuffies ): I need a good cuddle and comfort food </3 long ramble in tags btw ♡
39 notes · View notes
yelloworangesoda · 2 months
Text
gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
2 notes · View notes
soldier-poet-king · 1 year
Text
Love to be interrogated by my mother about the bad mood she caused. Love crying into my dinner until my nose bleeds. Love snapping and admitting one terrible grievance but forcing down the millions of others because I've learned after more than a decade that things dont ever change in this house, no one is willing to put in the therapy and work and develop any sort of emotional intelligence or even, God forbid, ADMIT that they were wrong and it wasn't just "oh I didn't mean to/I didn't do that". Love being blamed for being in my room all the time, as if that's the cause of all this and not just me desperately trying to survive and keep myself sane and not relapse. Love being the least loved child who is never more than a disappointment! Where a neutral response is the most positive thing I can get and more likely it'll be negative criticism or passive aggression! Not like my perfect brothers and brother's gf who is the better daughter my mother wanted! Love being stuck living with people who are so determined to be unhappy!
Apparently my workout was NOT enough to drain all my anger and hurt, but it'd have to be one hell of a workout to drain a decade and a half of this shit and I can't even do anything dumb and reckless bc I gotta go to work in the morning
13 notes · View notes
mofledowe · 1 year
Text
guy who is not normal: hey guys you all think im normal right
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
idk why they r all sideways but im too tired to retake these pics 💖💖💖💗💗💖💗
11 notes · View notes
bo0zey · 2 years
Text
i’m so tired of pretending i’m not tired lol
8 notes · View notes
blurrycow · 2 years
Text
BRO DUDE FUCK i wanted to make a song because I’ve always wanted to have my own band or whatever (it’s just me, blurrycow- that’s the name of the band I made for music class, and that’s why I’m called that on all my media). Like in the spring for music class we had to make a music artist and come up with a vibe and songs and stuff but do it for another person. so i made blurrycow and one of my friends made songs for me and i made some for him but thats besides the point because in the spring while that was happening I made a concept album because i was bored and it was about how i really feel sometimes and it was called Alienation. it sprung from my album art that I wanted the friend to make for my “band” (again, just me, the one and only blurrycow) and it [the cover] included an alien abducting a cow because,, yk, aliens abduct cows for some reason. SO today I was like ‘hey i have time lmao lets go sit down and songwrite because I never really have time for that and all the other times it always sounds bad. maybe today will be different.” AND IT WAS.
In literally twenty minutes I had an entirely written and well structured song made SOMEHOW and i dont have the melody because my parents are in the room so I can’t play around with singing the lyrics but FUCK I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF because songwriting is SO HARD for me but today i managed to pull a WHOLE ASS SONG for SOME REASON and I am NOT complaining
Tomorrow I’ll play around with melodies and maybe even record if I can!!! fuck im so excited this has never happened to me before!!!!
6 notes · View notes
reineyday · 1 year
Text
why does being an artist so often mean accumulating stuff 🙃
2 notes · View notes
strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
Text
I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance
#mine#💿#i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well...#just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online)#in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts#feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting!#i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more#hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring.#on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me#like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now#on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone#im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn#i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops#i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease.#im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING#i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles#im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50#or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down#but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art#i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird#the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things#i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess!#you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate#but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better#tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience
3 notes · View notes
clownboy-yeehonk · 27 days
Text
.
1 note · View note
hot-coffemilk · 2 months
Text
I don’t wanna be here anymore
0 notes
thedevotionaltour · 3 months
Text
anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.
#sometimes i get a twinge of hope bc my classmates will say nice things and then i remember the reality that exists and is real.#where i just suck. i lack so much technical skill. i feel like i have to reteach myself how to draw constantly. my style is not distinct.#it looks like the quality of a middle schooler's sketchbook where it's a drawing they're proud of but in comparison to anything else#it is just garbage. utter garbage.#i have been in such a horrific slump of feeling about what i make. and i tell my therapist about it. and he never ever actually reassures m#doesnt tell me to maybe ask if im being unfair in my standards. or says i should have some more compassion towards myself.#or finds it an issue in regards to my generally low self esteem. im so fucking tired of being told well. you can always go back to school#to pursue something else after wasting all your fucking time on this stupid fucking degree that will get you nowhere!#i feel hopeless! so utterly fucking hopeless! it doesnt matter when my peers with more skill than me say they like my work bc im positive#they are just being nice. i cant imagine you look at your work and then mine and still find it good and having worth. i cant.#i cant make anything good. im so tired of not being able to make anything good. im tired of not being able to have the motivation to do wor#in my own time to help improve my work because im too fucking tired because im too fucking depressed to do anything. im a failure.#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.#i dont know what gave me the right to think i could possibly succeed at this. i feel like an idiot for wasting so much time and money.#im not saying this to seek pity or comfort either. im just talking about how i feel. because it just sucks. it just sucks#it sucks to know you will never make it. because even on the days you think maybe you can. it just comes crashing down again to remembering#oh. i wont. because i have none of what it takes for it at all.#man. what even ever at this point. who cares. i'll get over it. it just sucks.#vent.txt
0 notes
smithsparker · 4 months
Text
i'm already soooo pissed off at people setting off fireworks god i'm gonna be such a bitch tonight
0 notes