#literally go to fuckin bed
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i have the most toxic ass cousins bro (dads side is at my house atm)
reminds me of that one mr bean episode where he has that childhood friend come over and he empties his fridge in the middle of the night
#wanna get up and pull my hair out#never been so irritated#it’s 00:25#and they’re emptying the fridge at this hour#like can you not see the fucking time ???#literally go to fuckin bed#have some damn shame#and it’s not even a simple snack#they’re making BURGERS#first they finished up all the fuckin rice and now they’re making burgers#currently hogging the fuckin kitchen#my other cousin (she got surgery) and she’s hungry so i was gonna get something for her#but i can barely even get into the kitchen bc all 8 of them are hogging it#cant wait until they fucking go back home 🙏🏼
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fuck timezones do you know how hard it is to talk to my friends when they have a different sleep schedule than me. i go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 6 to see notifications from my buddy from literally 5 in the morning. thats a one hour overlap of us both sleeping. there is not a time difference between us theres no reason for this shes just sick in the head and im a 75 year old man with a bedtime
#my other friend will be like hey if we’re hanging out tomorrow just call me when youre leaving so i get up#and itll be like. 2 in the afternoon. he’s literally nocturnal#i get a message while im getting all cozy in bed like hey man whats up because i go to bed as hes waking up because its a sick freak.#all my friends are vampires and im an old old man in my nightgown and sleeping cap with my little fuckin candelabra shuffling off to retire#for the evening#we hangout for one (1) hour and i go guys i am so sleepy i cannot do this#and they go nooo olease dont go to bed we miss you stay in the call one more episode pleeease and im already alseep#staying up past midnight is like medieval torture to me. its not ethical its not humane no human being should be forced to face such terrors
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you still resent nancy and jonathan for getting together???? for “hurting steve’s feelings”??? despite the fact that he verbally supported their relationship like 2 hours after seeing them together. this from a season that released 6 fucking years ago. a season prior to him saying that he was NOT in love with nancy anymore. do you want me to call shawn levy and tell him of your dilemma. bestie do you need to rewatch the source material
#ppl will use ANY excuse to hate nancy and jonathan to prop steve* up#their flanderised ‘pwecious little babygirl’ steve who is a delicate little flower who’s still butthurt over his high school breakup#albeit s4 did completely surrender to this bs characterisation bc the duffers don’t know how to write a storyline for steve that doesn’t#involve him being a lovestruck loser nowadays. SAD#get me in that writers room i could give him something good thats not egregiously repetitive#funny that the post that sparked this was an ANTI MURRAY FANFIC?????? in 2023. bc him suggesting jon+nancy should be together was unfair to#fuckin STEVE??????#1) murray is literally a jokey funnyguy character. he’s a little guy it’s his birthday he makes risotto studies martial arts is a conspiracy#theorist who daydrinks and snores on airplanes. he’s SO unserious#if u want to hate on him thats fine good for u whatever but do it for. normal reasons. like encouraging teenagers to drink and have sex in#his bunker. like he was not normal for that i get it i used to kinda dislike him for that too but like. its literally not meant 2 be#that big of a deal. nothing matters there’s no point the show hasn’t been genuinely good for six years nothing matters go outside go to bed#anyways. happy 3 AM everyone im going to sleep love and what have you on planet earth#stranger things#nancy wheeler#steve harrington#jonathan byers#mine
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“how did that t break go?”
#this past week has been fucking insane. i literally am on my death bed#it’s rough out here#my fuckin nose bled for an hour and a half yesterday and i vomitted blood 6 times.#went to the er and got told i was fine and go home and then had to go back and finally they cauterized it#i hate doctors honestly#bpd shitposting#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd#bpd fp#actually borderline#bpd favorite person#bpd vent#bpd mood#bpd problems#my awful awful t break
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youtube
oh god. oh god. oh.. oh gosh. I didn't expect this so soon. I didn't expect this today, I've been busy with life related things so the HYV calendar is really unbeknownst to me, is this update really next week already?? where can I rant about this- whERe can I rant about this-
oh. I made a blog for that exact purpose ! OKAY—!
fuck. fuck me, dude holy-
FUCK.
the slightly worried look on Arle's face as Snezhevna is reaching out her hand, only for her face to seemingly revert back to cold and neutral once the camera actually focuses in on her. Her tone is cold but her words are reassuring,,,,,,,,
ALSO GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. HOW GENTLY SHE HOLDS HER HAND.
the d o o r. the DOOR. THE FUCKING DOOR, CHAT. the slow opening at first, and once you can make out that it's certainly Arle's silhouette she shoves it fully open - both doors, both hands. incredibly attractive—. the FEAR in that man's eyes.
The crossed hands. We can't see her face but you know what expression she's making (it's not really an expression. it's neutral but you can feel it). THE FUCKING F E A R ON THAT MAN'S FACE.
Oh- she literally just grabbed him by the throat. Just like that- ! There's the expression. Oh, you feel it, alright. If you go frame by frame, you'll notice her eyes narrow in the slightest right before ->
POV: you're getting chocked out by Arlecchino, and that's actually the least of your worries. (my god she is beautiful).
I did not expect him to simply be thrown down to the ground and I ... d i d not expect her to step on his FACE. [insert gay masochistic joke here. you know the one]. Did not expect her to smile (this is the ONLY scene wherein we see her smile even slightly... huh...) *And the reason I say "I did not expect her to smile", is because with the momentum we were getting I thought she was straight up going to crush his throat, or stab him (hand, weapon or otherwise). It looked like she was digging the forefoot of her shoe into the guys head and not the... .. y'know deadly fucking heel, so that.. confused me. (and the sound when she supposedly stomped his head in did NOT sound all that impactful) but ANYWAYS I digress-
I'm of course assuming more happened after the cut to black because . madam where did you get that bloodstain on you—
BLOODSTAIN ON HER FACE!?!?!? (more on this in a second)
Freminet??? Freminet feature ! (not Lyney or Lynette.. interesting). :(((( the poor boy sounds so,, desensitized. His father
holy shit quick intermission. After the mental chronological fuckfest that was "The Song Burning in the Embers" I don't think I can look at Arle and the HotH the same anymore because she's.. she's like not even 10 years older than them (?) it's insane this doesn't make any sense- ANYWAYS.
HIS FATHER comes back with what we later see to be real blood on her face. Tells him "I've acquired new funds". We know what that means... HE knows what that means!!, and the way WE - THE AUDIENCE - know that Freminet knows what it means is because the boy replies "Oh.. Okay.."
LIKE-! chat omg this is truly just routine for them,,,, Like out of the 3 siblings, Freminet always gave off the biggest child assassin vibe, but wow. To see that routine and desensitized nature of the HotH's line of work just,, splayed out in a Character Trailer is . wow. and the look in his eyes as he says it is- wow.
YEAH UHH BLOODSTAIN ON HER FACE??/ The lighting in this scene now is evidently less saturated. And it's just- oh my FUCKING GOD it does so many things:
the blood on Arle's face looks... dry. it doesn't look as fresh as you may expect which could mean many things. It could mean she spent,,, hella long in there with that guy doing what needed to be done. It could mean she took care of something else immediately after dealing with that guy (perhaps smth related to the children Snezhevna wanted to save). But regardless, it means she didn't put in the effort to clean her face and hide what happened. OBVIOUSLY !!! that is so . obviously her style but to S E E IT IN MY GENSHIN IMPACT CHARACTER TRAILER it's- oh my god
it serves to highlight the really, truly, bleak nature of the scene now that we know plain and simple Arlecchino just killed a man. There's no subtext, there's no reading between the lines. The only thing that didn't happen is that we didn't see contact nor see a body. But, no sugarcoating, Arlecchino killed a man. No one is hiding it. You are not surprised. No one should be but damn.
and ofc it acts as a representation of Snezhevna dying...
because it seems like the saturation is back once the camera switches to looking at Snezhevna laying in bed.
And is it me, or does it look like Arle's allowing herself to actually display a tinge of worry in her expression this time? And also, EVER so slightly in her tone as well. You can feel it, it's gentler.
"Once I'm better I'll start my next mission.."
THIS. THIS!! IN SO MANY WAYS THIS!
OKAY. so bear with me. I haven't actually read any of the sibling's character stories yet, so there could be a LOT of info I'm missing but:
There's still a pretty thought-provoking conversation going on (in MY mind, at least) about just how intensely these children are being trained to be soldiers for the Fatui. They're obviously in an environment that indoctrinates them into being soldiers of SOME kind, but I still don't know what kind of soldier that's supposed to be. Are they all ALWAYS extensions of the Fatui? Or are they more-so extensions of Arlecchino specifically..? Snezhevna was obviously trying to help those children she came across, and I'm assuming that happened on her latest mission, so was the mission for a charitable cause?? What was her next mission supposed to be?? Same line of work? Saving people? Or would it switch up and was she going to be sent to "take care of" (kill .) someone???
So I don't know whether to interpret that line as a hint of them being overworked and 1) feeling like they need to continue their work out of pure fear that they'll be deemed ineffective and useless... or 2) feeling like they need to continue their work out of a sense of loyalty and duty to the place that took them in and raised them. Or both..
and ofc the funeral scene. I can't say much more than what's already shown right on the screen.
and am I bugging? Or is the location of the grave....
#LONG post#first of all. I am kissing Genshin Impact's (HoYovere's entire) artstyle on the mouth.#second of all#Erin Yvette#oh my god Erin Yvette.#the 'My child...' line.. what if I literally blow up the world I'm going to explode#Arlecchino is drop dead gorgeous in this. That's a given but what kind of gay person would I be if I didn't say it anyway#it's always a given with their trailers. A l w a y s.#she's so drop dead handsome oh my god I fucking hate gender#blazingramble#holy shit new tag wtf#I try not to do these on here often but...#meh. my blog#I needed a place to write it down and I'm honestly getting self-conscious abt using my discord server#I say the kids at the HotH are desensitized 'cause like.. it's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE that they DON'T know!!!!#they can ACT like they don't !!! sure! repression is very real and these kids are exposed to a LOT of trauma. Yes#but they are NOT FUCKING IGNORANT about it#the older ones at least; of course the younger they are the more likely they're sheltered from the Fatui's violent practices#like Lyney Lynette Freminet and other kids their age are child assassins. Now I'm PRETTY FUCKIN CONFIDENT they've killed people#like it wasn't hard to believe before but (and remember I haven't read their character stories) before it was mostly believable conjecture#I can't get over the scene where she returns to the bed#Arlecchino#genshin impact#genshin#genshin arlecchino#the knave#Genshin the knave#blazingshitpost genshin edition#blazingshitpost#Youtube
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in one week it will officially be one year since I finished a fic edited it & posted it hahaha 😵💫😖😞😑
#and like. it kills me that. I had this whole fckn idea for a 5+1 recently for one of my north star ships#and I got the notes all done and had the ideas and even dialogue snippets and could see the scenes#but I just. could never make myself get farther than the notes. ever. I couldn't ever get to actually writing it. at all. ever.#and now I've been sick & bedridden for a literal week and I still haven't done ANYTHING with it#before I would have worked on it! I would have worked non stop! I literally cannot be out of bed for longer than 15 minutes#I would have written another 10 chapter idiots to lovers with a whole intricate plot to weave a romance around#that no one asked for#but now#nothing.#to be fair to myself tho I have been so sick I couldn't even activate my new giga pet#I had to quit playing sims cause I got so sick I couldn't go to my desk. the show I was looking forward to debuted and I can't watch it#cause I'm just fuckin dead. wanted to get the new t0mb raider re-release but I'm so sick I couldn't play it#but it's killing me that I can't make myself write. it is like. why won't you do this? you LIKE this? this was once ur fave hobby!#and I'm just also very tired of being confined to bed for a week and I'm going a little nutty can you tell???#erin explains it all
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I love my Nonna dearly but I also just got my first real "here's how you should find a man" advice so truly 2023 IS my Charlotte Lucas year
To be fair, I'll give them credit, this is one of the first times my family has pulled this shit on me. I suppose my "I'm too busy focusing on school" excuse that I used through all 8 years of undergrad and grad school doesn't really work now that I've been working full-time for a year. And she also didn't bring it up in front of everyone or out of the blue, it came up because we had been discussing how insane my motherhas been about babies lately and my Nonna said "oh it's BC she's waiting for grandkids"
And like??? Just because my mother got married and had kids by my age (which may have been the right decision for her, this isn't judging even if I think her life went to shit bc of it) doesn't mean it's the right decision for ME
In fact, it is the ABSOLUTE WRONG decision for me. Theres a whole long list of reasons why I'm not getting married + or having children, including but not limited to: the trauma of my parents marriage and my childhood, my own ongoing health stuff, the whole religious queer anxiety guilt complex I've got going, the fact that if I were to get pregnant the resulting mental health crisis and dysphoria would undoubtedly make me *** y'know not soemthing that is frequently a source of nightmares for me or anything, my inability to take care of myself let alone CHILDREN, and the anxiety of raising children religious when I don't even know wtf is going on with me, CHILDREN??? IN THIS ECONOMY????
Ofc I can't exactly say any of this to my Nonna who, while incredibly sweet and loving and Good, is also like. Not at all exposed to these concepts and would probably freak out if I was like hello yes I am a big fat queer and I rlly hate the concept of gender and societal ideas of womanhood :) it also doesn't help that rlly the only single, middle aged woman my Nonna knows is this lady who works at the church who is DEFINITELY a badly closeted lesbian but also she's super fuckin mean and condescending and no one likes her BC she's a bitch, on top of the whole being a badly closeted lesbian in a conservative heteronormative religious environment
Like even IF I were to get licitly Catholic married to a man. You wanna find one for me??? My Nonna was like "go to church more to find a man" HELLO??? WHERE??I GO TO MASS EVERY WEEK?? Every religious man I know irl is a radtrad women can't wear pants type or is a manchild. Even if I COULD find a normal man, he'd have to get real cool about some stuff real quick. In that forever dilemma of too leftist queer for the religious and too religious for the leftist queers. (Obvs your partner doesn't have to be your duplicate but I'm like. Generally being on the same page. The same BALLPARK. is probably conducive to having a healthy relationship, y'know?)
Besides a significant part of my having 0 social life is because I am living in my parents basement which is in a shitty not-a-suburb of mostly immigrant families with youngish kids or super old folks from when the neighborhood was built, so it's poor and run down but also super fuckin far from anything To Do, so it's the WORST of both worlds of urban sprawl. And I have no car. And I already spend 2.5 hrs a day commuting for work. And I'm chronically tired. And joining a fencing club or taking art class or whatever costs MONEY y'know the thing I'm trying to SAVE by living in this hell place???? She literally said in the same convo "live here as long as possible to save money" like??? YOU CANT HAVE UR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO as long as I'm living here I'm NOT going out and meeting ppl BC there is literally Nowhere To Go. Big box stores like Walmart? Yet another strip mall? The highway??? THIS IS SOULLESS HELL of neither nature NOR accessible city amenities
And anyway, I would rather be in a long term marriage for tax benefits relationship anyway. Not platonic, not romantic, but a secret third thing (jk but also serious). Like. Mutual devotion that blurs the lines and transcends labels. It could be completely chaste. It could not be. It's not a dealbreaker really. It's about trust and devotion and companionship and love. But also I'm insane and I KNOW how insane and obsessive I sound, and society prioritizes nuclear family relationships and not the weird ass shit I crave, and I feel too much too fast and would ruin any relationship I had even if I WERE to somehow find someone who prioritizes those things too
So like. It's fine. Most days (not all ofc, but I'm trying) I'm okay with this and being on my own and learning to cultivate my own peace and Goodness and I know who I am and what I believe and what I trust to be Good and I'm working toward that and I'm not sacrificing it for anything. But also. Can you give a bitch a break. Please. I'm so fkin tired
#franposting#my bday isnt even til JUNE#im going to bitch anyway#im genuinely really upset but part of that is bc my headache has come back#and its worse than ever#i might cry but my head already hurts too much#i got really good news at work and only the men in my family made a big deal#the women were just. meh. and ofc none of them have careers so why should ot be important to me?#as the only granddaughter ofc :))))#i am going. to crawl into bed. hair washed. lavender candle on.#do a lil meal planning. and then read or maybe just sleep.#tmrws goals after church are gym and grocery shopping before dnd#have to make my body hurt so much i cant think again#ofc bro 1 has claimed the car. so maybe i cant go#god. gos. i fuckin need to get out of here#but i literally cannot afford even studio apt rent in the city#and moving to one of the boroughs doesnt gwt me any closer to anything esp without a car#literally. just like. fuckin kill me#or find me a decently paid not soul killing job in a smaller city or even a town#where i could have a garden#or a porch swing. sit in. the sunlight
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after two weeks of relative freedom regarding what i eat, when i eat, when i shower, when i go to bed, what i want to do with my time, etc etc, spending this next week in a hotel room with my parents is going to be fucking Rough
#they’ve already gotten nitpicky about my eating habits and how much time i spend in bed and how much i’ve been sleeping andoh my fucking god#like. we got out of the car and went up to the hotel and i immediately got in bed because i was cold as shit#and my mom immediately started fretting about how i’ll spend too much time in bed in college and how she worries about me taking care of#myself on my own despite my repeated explanation that i was literally just cold and looking for somewhere to pass the time#like. it’s appreciated but mom. mother. madre. it is slightly overbearing please ;-;#and goddd the fuckin comments about food are NOT helping#like hi mom! please for the love of god stop saying you’re terrified about what i’m going to eat when you’re not there to supervise!#i already managed to halfway starve myself UNDER your supervision without you knowing and i’m fine now but jesus christ it is not helping#when you’re constantly telling me that i can’t go eat something ‘because you don’t need it’ even though it’s my time money and body#just. AGH#i sound like a whiney teenager i know but god i am. just. two days back with them and i already need a break#tw ed#tw ed mention
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hey what's good tumblr i got that discount Duty Free bottom Shelf booze and I'm fuckin ready to SNOOZE
#literally gonna post this and go to bed#for some reason was gripped by the need to open this site and proclaim that I Still Live#if you also still live#whatup#I hope your night is either peaceful or fuckin lit
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Back to feeling like a loser
#night thoughts#soooo funny bc like#im literally not eveb#im just a fuckin Dude#and yet my BRAIN will convince me im actually such a loser#likeeeeeee i should go to bed but i cant im too busy being awake thinkin Man I Should Like. Stop Being A Loser
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i hate when people who im not into flirt with me bc i literally start buffering right in front of their eyes and then idk how to be myself anymore bc stop it 🤣🤣 one of my favs today was like “how are you doing pretty lady” and i straight up froze and looked like i was malfunctioning 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤧🤧🤧 but i made it out ok, I think 🤣🤣 cause I do t wanna hurt peoples feelings either but maybe he was just being nice lmao i just try to act like everything is normal and they didn’t say that 😵💫 THEN I think this one guy called me babe like a week ago and I wa s just like “… thanks” and I really think he did bc he hasn’t been back since then and I feel bad now 🤣🤣 was also one of my favs, why they gotta like me 😅😅
#like I be havin old ass men make kissy faces at me 🙃 so many things#why#can people not control themselves fr 🫠#I even had one guy apparently tell me he loved me but that man was fuckin on soemthing 🤦🏼♀️#he’s one of the ones *yes it has happened multiple times 🥲* that made kissy faces at me#and my coworker swears on everything he told me he loved me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I can’t even#I did get to see one of the ones I do be thinkin is fineee today hehe#I died bc when he came in he said hi to my coworker just chillin and then he saw me and his face lit up as usual 😆 and he waved lmao#he’s supposed to bring me a lil sample of this bourbon iderc he’s just sexy#💀💀💀#man was literally distracting me so bad#my coworker was dyin 🤣🤣#she said ‘well he seemed excited once he saw you’ and he is everytime it cracks me up#fr tho I had a margarita like an hour and a half before work bc I got lunch with a friend#was fun at first when I got here but now I just wanna go home and got to bed rip#i was havin a blast and now im freakin done 🤣#i need another one to wake up 🤣
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I'm just gonna complain in the tags tw medical stuff tbd etc
#its the final stretch and i refuse to will anything into this universe other than this is the final stretch im having treatment and it ends#this is the end of this here and now i will not continue to live like this i cannot continue to live like this i cannot carry this fatigue#any further genuinely i cannot its not a matter of will not anymore i just... i cannot. im legitimately still hiding at the office#despite everyone else having gone home because it takes too much effort to gather my things and walk to my car and im afraid of falling#i forgot my cane at home and its cold and my body struggles with temperature regulating and seizes up so badly#but the fatigue has finally reached a point where its hard to lift my bag or put my coat on or my jewelry without help#or walk across the parking lot just to get to my car and its not like the usual hey we have to adjust to new level of disabled#it's fatigue kneecapping you put of nowhere with a tireiron until you can barely loft your bag or fix tea or prepare dinner#and the fact the all the joy of food has been robbed from me because everything takes so much goddamn effort now#everything takes ten more steps and an hour more planning and special ingredients and yes i know lots of people live like this always#but i haven't and its been a forced short term adjustment period with absolutely no support from medical professionals#and im the only cook in my household/family/immediate social circle so all the labor inevitably falls on me not out of malice#but by default even if they try to help they can only do so much because they dont know what to do#i am literally on the verge of a meltdown just thinking about how much effort dinner is going to take because i cant just#eat a fuckin box of easy mac or ramen with an egg and go to bed no I've got to make a special soup with special ingredients#or a proper balanced meal with protein and veg and whole grain and certain seasoning#and im just so fuckin tired im so goddamn tired if this radiologist doesn't come back and say i can eat freely come Friday#i genuinely dont know what im going to do#food is one of my greatest joys and to be limited even in such bizarrely simple ways requiring so much excess labor#is too much. its too much on top of all this hypothyroidic fatigue. i cant do it.#i dont want to go home and make a fuckin soup. i want pizza. i want take away. i want lamb curry and rice. i want food i dont have to cook.#god im so fuckin tired my body feels so ancient like something wrecked in the seabed being involuntary hoisted to the shallows again#and im not sure its going to survive the process. i mean it has to. we dont have a choice. but fuck.
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hmmhggghh hhffgghdgggg volo
#thanon.text#i forgot my own text post tag oops so i make an easier one#anyway i know i should be finishing 8path but#1) PLA is just SO fun. 2) on god volo jumpscares ruin me#im soooooooooooooo abnormal abt this bitch hes just so#AGH#HRRGGHHGHH#yeah#anyway im fucking speegy im abt to literally do a like 10 day work week#mon tues wed thurs receptionist work thurs fri sat sun catering work#the next mon doesnt count as a day off bc i still have to wake up early and do shit blargh#JUST WATCHED WIFE RUN INTO A SHINY GALARIAN PONYTA REAL TIME#ITS A SQUARE SHINY#FUCKIN DAYUM!!!!!!#ok i should go to bed#hungrby but like ehhh
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This is me screaming into the void
#idk why but making a post stating that im screaming into the void is just as cathartic as actually screaming into the void#melismusings#about me#im just#pissed today#because literally no matter what i do#no matter how many excision surgeries i have#no matter what medications i go on#nothing is ever going to cure this#it will never be gone#i can have my reproductive organs removed and that will stop the menstruation but not the pain that i hbe daily#*have#and i REALLY dont wanna go through menopause at fuckin 30 years old#im just miserable today and emotional and i just wanna go to bed 😭
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Huh. I just realized that my hair is even longer than I think it is. Which is fuckin impressive, coming from me, considering. I normally think of my hair as waist length. But uhh, I showered just now and apparently it’s actually down to my hips? Which is fuckin wild, like damn. I know I literally never get haircuts but I somehow wasn’t expecting this, normally it’s in a braid and even when it’s down it’s wavy enough that I didn’t realize. There’s not like, an actual point to this ramble, just. I happened to look in a mirror right after showering and was surprised at how long it actually is, I didn’t think my hair could actually get this long, it’s never gotten more than like an inch below my waist before. I guess the most recent addition to my hair care routine’s been having even bigger effect than j thought.
#the snek rambles#i know i just got a whole bunch more followers which is still fuckin wild to me by the way#but that being said. this kind of sleep deprived rambling is pretty par for the course#so like. if you’re here for the art and writing and my current dp/dc hyperfixation you mayyyy wanna block my ramble tag lol#id lowkey been thinking hard abt what my first post after That One blew up a bit should be but yknow what?#I feel like this is a p good representation of me#ping pinging from deep shit to complete nonsense is a p good representation of my mind lol#and shit like this is literally part of why I made this blog in the first place so. I ain’t about to change it#it’s like four am and I have work in the morning what am I still doing up#fuck i think I made the tags into a separate post completely unrelated to the one they’re attached to goddamnit#I’m gonna go to bed now
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Sometimes I think I'm really emotionally intuitive and other times, like today, I'm literally the stupidest person on earth.
Am exhausted from sudden travel for unexpected funera. Have not slept nearly enough the last few days. Am staying with my father's family which means zillions of relatives I barely know or outright dislike, trying to follow conversation in a dialect I don't understand, or else standing awkwardly in the doorways. Basically just my one cousin who deigns to speak English to me, plus her 6 month old and the puppy. The food is terrible I haven't seen a vegetable in 3 days. Have been running the funeral home/wake/funeral mass/cemetery rounds for the last 2 days and while my grief isn't as severe given we weren't close, it's still a horrible tragic death, there's a crying motherless 5 yr old, and I'm surrounded by people grieving in an already EXTREMELY messy family situation. My dad's cousin has managed to make fatphobic and homophobic jokes within 24 hrs. Also the Casual Racism of this entire branch of the family. Missing work unpaid, job interview prep, my fkin artist hasn't gotten back to me abt my tattoos.
Also me. Hey I wonder why I'm so on edge and exhausted???? A mystery I'll never solve
#the duality of fran#literally i just want to go to bed#my OWN brd#with PROPER FOOD. VEGETABLES. A FRUIT EVEN#not just meat fish potatoes#IM SURVIVING ON BREAD AND BUTTER which is delicious but also#my body cannot eat just bread im gonna fuckin die#and the near constant headache between bouts of crying like#i also got roped into serving the funeral mass bc the family are not regular church goers#so my dumb ass who doenst even Know the french mass parts#was better equipped to serve#which. fine. but like. im HANGING ON BY A THREAD#and i have to be here to manage my father's emotions#instead of grieving in my own way. which sure#maybe its not dramatic given my cousin and i werent close#but she was young. it was horrible and tragic. and sudden.#and sure her illness and suffering are over.#but i still think i should be allowed to be moody
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