genuinely it's crazy how you can tell that ushijima's mother's family and their influence on him is like a fucking leash. like a goddamned dog collar. like something he was trained to wear. like, we see him with utsui before utsui leaves and utsui tells him good things!! important things!! things that wouldn't have made ushijima an asshole!! he tells ushijima that a strong team is one that has interesting people!! he tells ushijima that he'll combat all sorts of types!! strong types!! strange types!! new types!! he tells ushijima that these encounters will make him STRONGER!! the implication is that ushijima shouldn't believe he's the end-all-be-all because he doesn't get stronger that way!! he's meant to grow from acknowledging the strength of others!!

but then utsui takes off to the other side of the fucking world and ushijima is left with family who don't quite know what to do with him and don't quite understand him but still try to drill every bit of whatever they didn't promise utsui into his head, and the only space he feels safe in is where he meets someone who tells him that being strong is the only way to survive and it's the only out ushijima has, and so he grows up believing he cannot be anything else and that nobody should be anything else with his memories of utsui buried beneath a grave . . .

. . . until he's up against a boy who beat the odds he never could, a boy who helps him realize that there's more than one way to be strong, a boy who helps him remember his father, helps him remember no matter what you choose, wakatoshi, i hope you'll come to like volleyball, and ushijima thinks that, maybe, he's always had what he's been missing this whole time.

LA Times

I went to a Halloween party in October and I wrote down my experience in my phone.

A month or so ago I had made the decision that I wanted to attend a Halloween event and ultimately I decided on scream in Edmonton. I had bought the pre-sale ticket without actually knowing who was playing since there was no lineup details but this didn't concern me because I just wanted to go have fun and listen to some jams with cool people. I had calculated the cost of bus and hotel and came up to roughly 700 for a comfortable trip with all the best food/mixed drinks at the show. I had already had my own party favors so this was one of the reasons why I wanted to keep it local in Alberta. But then the lineup got released and I only seen one artist that was potentially going to be "okay" after listening to their SoundCloud. I was feeling very on the fence and on top of that, the party only went until 2am which was making it real hard to justify a long boring ass bus ride for a short night of mostly lame edm music. (No offense to the edm enthusiasts out there)

After some Olympic tier mental gymnastics of being so sure I wanted to go to Scream, I got curious and went to the handy dandy Resident Advisor and looked at shows in Alberta then Vancouver, even Toronto. I didn't see any events I was interested in and I left it at that. Then I got the brilliant and brave idea to possibly venture outside our borders, and a few clicks later I stumbled upon louisahhh's upcoming events and noticed she was playing a show along with boys noize and tbh, it was a no brainer. I had to make this happen. After a few calculations, it was literally going to cost the same as going to Edmonton (600 cdn) but with more spending money required in American. So naturally it was 💯 percent the logical choice. The event was called Minimal Effort which was an all techno show with 4 stages. Like holy shit! This event was most definitely calling my name.

I had told family and a few friends and some them ask me why? I've already vacationed once or twice this year so why a third time? I really don't know why, there is no reason. I just like doing these things. It is true that given the current situation, I better to avoid these such things. but the idea of letting someone's words prevent me from doing something so fun and exciting yet so doable drives me mad. In fact this very idea is what makes it so evident that I am in control of my life. I create the reality I live in and why should I let others shape it for me with manipulating opinions. I would argue I am not living to die, I am dying to live. Personally I don't think it's very odd or strange to do exactly what you put your mind to, so it is in such a context that I wanted to make this trip. I hope people see what I do and feel encouraged or empowered. If I can do it you can too. But everyone isnt me and is open to their own opinion.

So my passport is lightly damaged, a few months after I got it I washed it lol whoops. I've been using it since without incident and it expires pretty quick in early 2019 so I felt confident I will make it on the plane and I did! I flew air Canada btw and their service was very meh. There was also some meean turbulence, other than that it was boring. Planes suck ass and I can't sleep on them. I had bought a roaming plan so I can text and use Google maps like a real Traveller. This was the best decision of the whole trip actually, so get ur phones working guys!

Upon landing I was very nervous because I literally didn't want to pay a lot of money to get downtown where my hostel was. But I asked this Tony hawk looking guy he gave me the rundown and to take the skyaway bus which was like 9 dollars. Hella life saver! I got downtown and got Subway spicy chicken wrap at Union station. Now I taxi'd to my hostel... It was near or in the ghetto. When the man dropped me off it was dark and these yuuuge dogs were jumping at me from the other side of the fence, confirming my suspicion that this is in fact the ghetto. I find the property next door and these dudes are smoking outside, I got their attention and they said to go upstairs and talk to "Champaign". In my head I instantly thought a black drug dealer... But then I was greeted by a slim easy going japanese dude with a samurai ponytail who spoke poor English but still had a friendly vibe. Turns out he is the cook/caretaker. I came on the night they had a dinner party that they hold once a month. Pay 10 dollars and you can eat the food that he was cooking. Champaign cooked for a army and I felt like an asshole because I literally came with a belly full of Subway. I had a few snacks and met the other Traveller's/Tennant's that were residing here. In that exact moment I felt like this is exactly where I needed to be. I was not alone and I was amongst other human beings like myself and we were all brought together by an unknown force all so Champaign can go to bed we knowing no one went to bed hungry. I actually passed out after midnight. Kinda lame but tbh I was wiped out from that hectic almost frantic trip to this hostel. The toppest compliment I give to any hotel/hostel is that this place had the best mattress, apparently they were italian (I asked lol).

Saturday (party day). My goal in the afternoon was to adventure and have a decent meal but it was getting off to a slow start due to me not figuring out where I wanted to go. I was recommended business district and looked up reviews but it was all meh. I want that yummy and probably unhealthy local food locations. The guy also said to take an Uber. Which I was like uhhhhhh iduno man... Maybe. Then as I was just getting ready to leave, this korean guy named Sam asked where I was going and he said "you should check out Korea Town, it's dope!!" And I looked up places and he said "no go here!" And I was like okay. Then he said he'll come with me and show me around after he finishes the laundry. Like a good lad I waited and in between he looked at me and whispered "hey do you do... Stuff" and there are a lot of implications there lol so I had to ask like what? And he pulled a little baggie and my reply was "yeah I like stuff" then did it and the kid lit up like a Christmas tree. He was mad hype folding the towels and then him and Champaign blazed downstairs.

One of the most fascinating yet mundane happenings was that I installed Uber on my phone. While those guys were blasting off I went ahead and gave the Uber a good historic first whirl. Little did I know my life was about to change in that exact moment. In 2 minutes after selecting where I wanted to go the driver was there. Holy shit! The cool part was that I only paid 8 dollars to go to the opposite side of the downtown. I wish I can expand on what I did, but tbh all we did was just walk and talk. It was great because it made me feel more immersed in to the city. Kind of like you had to be there type of experience. Then it was food time, he pointed out a Korean joint and I got a meal and he didn't order anything and then like 10 sides came and then 6 more little plates for the main dish. I told Sam he can have some because this is absurd. As we were eating, I slowly gazed around the place and everyone was just a little bit chubby. Sam told me Koreans don't waste their shit and eat as much as possible... Plus it's America lol. After eating like an animal and totally ruining my white shirt we went to get smokes and the line at 711 was almost way too long. Sam pointed out that everyone was powerballin' it... Then upon paying for the smokes and soda I said "one Powerball please". I had caved in and joined the race. We took an Uber back and the driver was a Mexican mom. She was cute in a grandma kind of way and we talked about there should be a "good news" radio because it's so scary listening to the radio. We laughed and laughed some more while Sam had fell into a Korean BBQ coma.

We get back to the hostel, Sam goes back to work and I have about an hour to get ready/nap before the party. Sam asked if I needed party favors and I took him up on his offer, because I hate asking at parties because it's so sketchy. At this point of the trip I realized everything is going 110% right. Sometimes I feel like I am just lucky because I always find myself in surprising situations and that now it's almost normal to me. My body and mind was totes ready to party, then I almost forget... I have stickers!!! I always have some in my bag and I grabbed at least 50 of them. People always love that shit, plus it makes everything more fun by adding another layer to the party... Lol get it? Layer?!? Aaanyways the one girl showed me how to work the door lock, basically it's an app that registers my phone to the deadbolt... What a game changer! Technology huh?! What a cool place! Then the Uber came and took like 4 dollars to get there, I think I can get used to this LA lifestyle if I ever had the chance. The dude dropped me off and I was proper nervous, made sure to hide my shit good and have my ID, ticket and game face ready because there was like 8 security in front... Also I am a pretty nervous person in general, I may seem cool and collected on the outside but on the inside I am a scared little shaking Chihuahua barking internally.

So I finally made it! All my hard work payed off! The weird thing was the guy didn't even look at my ticket, just my ID. Any Yahoo off the street could have walked in. Butt fuck it, I am here and that's all that matters. Imediately I get a beer... 8 dollars. The shit I put up with tbh, the price I pay for fun is worth it but my goodness is it painful. I wander around the theatre and it is nicely large and open. Not hot!! Can you believe that? The other stages weren't bad, too much to take it all in tbh. I settled at the main stage which was the first one you sent me when you walk in. The first artist playing was a chick, she played some good jam actually so I quite enjoyed her set. The only thing that led me to believe she doesn't actually make music and only is a DJ, was that every track she played I knew. Which is expected from shows like this but she didn't play anything "original", it's not a bad thing but if I was to critique her I'd be disappointed because I am the type of person to be wowed and I like to seek new material. I went for a smoke and met this couple dressed and Vegeta and Bulma, hella rad. They were cool, totally forget their names tho. Met this Mexican dude too who was a little short had crazy contact lenses and had a friendly chat. he was rolling which was cool because I wish I was, I even asked him but he was fresh out. The party started picking up too and louisahhh's set was about to play and I am 3 beers deep so I gotta step up my game. And guess what!? It's Modelo time homie!! Met a dude in a headdress and took a pic with him to piss off other people who are against that bullshit, as long as they are respectful about it I think it's awesome... so @ those who are trying to be offended on purpose, fuck you. Went to the bathroom and dropped my Modelo and the worker watched me do it and didn't say anything and swept it up. I went back to get another normal beer because the Modelo was 9 dollars. They mind as well get the lube ready because they are already fucking me dry. I had run out of party favors at this point because I only had a little but that's not why I am here so I accept that fact and I am just glad to be here. The dancefloor was sticky but as more spills happened it was less annoying and more people came, it made it more bearable lol if that makes sense. The sound was definitely worse at the front of the stage so I found that sweet spot 15 feet back in the zone where the speakers were pointed. 7/10 audio, it's no pk system but hey I don't mind too much! Louisahhh was stepping in and she had a super neat outfit going kind of future/madmax like. Her hair was excellent if I might add. I've always wanted to catch her set but never had the chance until now. I could say it was what I expected, which was basically the same set I've heard her play on other sets I heard from her. It's not a negative but mental gymnastics aside she could have spiced it up some more by playing new shit, like I said. I am just glad to be there.

After louisahhh played her set Boys Noize had stepped in and he opened up with that one song he always does lately lol I forget the name but let me tell you, my body was ready! The "wares" I had bought off Sam at the hostel were already used up but I didn't need any, my body was tingling from the energy in the room. I met the maddest group of lads in the crowd and I gave them a handful of stickers to help me distribute. They loved it! I was also doing "rogue" work by slapping stickers on people without them knowing. The funniest ones were the Dealer and Wasted stickers. The lazers and lights in this place were magnificent. Production was nearly top notch 7.8/10. it's a theatre but they used it as well as they could. I want to describe this experience more but going to a party is the purest chaos you can experience. It almost can't be explained, only witnessed. I honestly love being social at these events. In real life I can be very shy or unwilling to exchange or talk with others. It pains me really, I just love people and I want to make genuine friends but I feel so reluctant to meet new faces because I don't really click that well with others. I know that I am unique and sometimes strange, I am sometimes don't give a fuck but I tend to be antisocial because of paranoia that other people won't like me when they get to know the real me. When I attend rave parties, I tend to feel more free and open because I know the people in attendance are also there for the same reason I am. Obviously this may or may not be a healthy life style but it is very fulfilling in a very emotional way. I may not have that many real life friends but when on the dancefloor everyone is my friends lol that sounds like the gayest shit ever but it's true. Anyways party is still bumping and it's 6 am and I am wiped out, boys Noize played some of the best tracks I heard at awakenings I noticed. Kind of the same shit really. But it was LA so more mainstream crowd. I leave the club and it was so fucking foggy outside, like a horror movie. 2spooky4me. I hit up Uber like 4 blocks away because it was just too crazy in the front of the theatre. I got this younger driver about my age and we talked about McDonald's lol she was fun then I get back to the hostel hungry as fuck. Eated bread and smonked some herb and hit the hay.

Next morning I hung out in the common area. Watched friends and watched Champagne die from smoking weed lol he was my favorite. Cool hostel tbh very home like. I had few hours to myself before my flight so I decided I wanted to go to little Tokyo. I had to say goodbye to the hostel, the guys downstairs gave me a donut lol and I got into the Uber. The guy talked about the dodgers game like I actually give a heck about sports. He dropped me off at the entrance of Little Tokyo. This was actually the most wholesome part of my trip. The first sight of the Japanese style outside mall was kind of exhilarating because LA is mostly just the same everywhere. The buildings and decorations were very refreshing and it was a feast for the eyes. Such beauty. As I continue to explore the small but busy space I feel this feeling of wonder and excitement, it made me feel less hungover if I am being honest. The world I was seeing in that moment was powerfully moving and rich with happiness. I wanted to stay forever. In the centre there was an open space where an older Asian man in a scooter and an array of instrument s in front of him. He had a little sampler Casio and hi hats and maracas. It was like a scene out of the movies where you see those cute moments because he was playing to this couple from China that were standing in front of him and you can hear them talking to the Man in between singing lol, they gave him money to play that song from toy story "skies of blue" or whatever it's called and then at the end he pulled out the maracas and hit them on the cymbals with style. I filmed a little bit of it actually. I ended up eating sushi and chicken katsu outside on the deck and just enjoyed the experience. Alone. Fucking sad actually that I couldn't share my emotion with someone else but I really enjoyed the place. I shop in the anime store and gift shop, got a few things for friends and family then had to rush to the airport. I got to Union station and shuttle to the airport right on time. Slightly early since the flight changed to a later time. I walked around and had some beer and wings then got on the plane. Nice cozy airport experience. My dad picked me up and he was working in siksika that week so I slept in his trailer. It was cold as shit and I was late for work the next day like nothing ever happened lol. Just a quick weekend trip, no big deal. Travelling is so so so much fun, I want others to read or see my adventures and feel somewhat inspired to take more risks and go on their own adventures. Its good to open your eyes and free yourself of your surroundings, especially on the reserve. There's a world out there and there's more to life than the bullshit drama that happens here. I look at the world in wonder and amazement, I know it's a sick and sometimes dangerous place but I make it my world by appreciating it for what it is. Everything is kind of all right. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist but I don't want to die either, doing these things remind me that life can be great so I hope I don't come off braggy or I am acting "too good". I make minimum wage yet I still do all this cool stuff. It's not hard to do, just literally set your mind go and do it . I chase my dreams while others think "what if" lol but yeah do more fun shit guys!!!!

.

This is just me trying to get all of my emotions out of my person so I can focus on studying for my last 2 exams this semester so if you read this and feel any sort of emotion at all whatsoever then yay I did a thing. I'm literally just venting but I don't want to just write it down and I know writing some fkn tumblr post about it is corny as fuck but oh well I don't want to write it on paper only to throw it in the trash. So basically on February 4th 2017 I tried to overdose on Tylenol because I just couldn't deal with my life anymore and frankly I'm feeling the same way now as I did on that day but maybe getting these feelings out will somehow get rid of it. When I was younger I thought I was just above relationships, that they weren't for me at all and I couldn't see any future version of me being in a relationship with a girl. I thought kissing and the idea of sex was nasty unlike people around me who in grade 6 were already turning into little horny animals. I was so high and mighty in my own mind thinking hah I won't be distracted by girls I don't like them at all screw relationships. Then I realized; oops, I like boys, not girls. But being in a middle eastern Muslim family didn't exactly make that easy and so I kinda bottled up that feeling. Apparently I wasn't very good at it though because supposedly it showed in the way I walked and talked and carried myself as a person. My dad had his suspicions and for some reason thought my brother had sexually harassed me which is genuinely disgusting to me especially considering that this is my only brother now that upon hearing about this part of me didn't try to make me change it. So anyways he asks me about this and if I'm gay and I deny both because the first is outright disgusting and the other I'm not ready to share. He basically pushes me further into the closet when he tells me that if I'm gay he can just take me back to Egypt and I can marry a girl there and have a family. Oh I forgot to mention this was when I was like 12 or 13, so needless to say I didn't take it very well. So there's me just trying to get good grades in elementary school because, you guessed it, I was (and frankly still am) an overweight socially awkward child. All I had was a slight predisposition to be intelligent. So life goes on and I do make friends and form bonds with people, but never get into any relationships. Then high school was a thing and I went to a high school where I knew like 5 people going into grade 9. That was probably the most uneventful year of my life until I fall in love with theatre at the end of the year and decide to start doing improv in grade 10 and throughout high school I find joy in it. I make more friends and become closer with the people around me, but still not really impressing anybody at home with anything I do. My love of performing was pushed down by my doctor dad, and when I came home from an actual scripted show I performed and won the competition that night, all I get is the remark that I can focus on school again because all this stupid theatre stuff is over. It's funny how I became so interested in something so looked down upon by my parents, and honestly a huge part of me loved performing and I definitely liked that something I loved to do also pissed off my dad. I also perform at a coffee house event and when my parents find out that the funds were going to support LGBT homeless youth my mom tells me they deserve to be homeless because they might as well have killed somebody and my dad just outright gets mad. So then I'm deciding to go to university to study math, and I was pretty good at it coming to the end of high school. I get accepted to an actuarial science program and I tell my parents I want to accept my offer, but to no avail. They make me take another offer to a science program. I enjoy science, but I had just put in so much effort into researching actuarial science programs and learning about future career opportunities that having my dream thrown under the bus was gut wrenching. They also make me move into an apartment in the same building as my grandma, a 30 minute bus ride from campus. But I'm excited because at least in this city I can just be myself. Even though I had uncles and aunts also living in that city, I was going to take the opportunity to just be myself and not hide my sexuality. I came out to a handful of my close friends in high school, and honestly with the way I was acting I was overcompensating for the fact that I hadn't actually just come out by liking stereotypical gay guy things like Beyoncé and lady gaga and that's a part of why I did theatre too. But regardless, my dad must've predicted that I wanted to be myself when moving to this city because he told me one of his doctor friends said that I'd been fucking guys all throughout high school, keep in mind that I literally never went to a single party because I was barely ever allowed out of the house after dark. He told me that if I was gay I should just wait until he's dead because this would kill him anyways. That he'd never be able to look any other family member in the eye when he has a gay son. That I should watch out in this city because I have other family members in the city who know people and if word gets out everybody is going to know. I don't know to this day what he expected to come of that conversation. He wanted me to change the way I walked, talked, and moved my hands around while I talked, but that person was the one that got accepted to the every university he applied to. I had adhered to every single rule put on me my entire life, and still being me just fucking wasn't enough. We had this conversation while my mom was visiting my sister and her newborn kid, and this was also the day before I was going to drive to this new city and move the rest of my things into this apartment. I had sushi the next day with a close friend of mine who knew I was gay but didn't tell her about what my dad told me. I don't go home from university until one of my other siblings is getting married. I'm the youngest of 7, and when my parents got married they each had 3 kids of their own and they together just had me, so there's a pretty big age gap between my siblings and I. So this brother of mine is getting married over thanksgiving weekend in October and I'm stuck with my family in a hotel trying to study for midterms but being forced to do a bunch of wedding stuff because the wedding planner just disappears as usual. That whole weekend just stressed me out, but I still did okay on my midterms. It wasn't until around the end of October where I went home for 2 days because we had a study break from school Thursday/Friday followed by the weekend. My dad asks me that weekend if I can promise him that he'll see me get married to a girl and have a child before he dies and I just agree and brush it off but I know what his intentions were with that comment. So I leave home early and head back to my apartment because I'm not putting up with that kind of bullshit anymore. But it had to manifest into something so I started self harming. Wow cutting yourself in 2016 so edgy. But anyways I literally just couldn't function anymore so I went to a 24 hour crisis centre in my city and just spill all of this information on to one of the counsellors there. I forget her name, but she was an older white woman who was very aware of the fact that she couldn't understand the cultural implications of my situation, but I still wanted to just try and talk it out. I have it in my head that I just need to become a doctor or successful whatever and then tell my family I'm gay and at that point when I'm financially independent they can't touch me. I confide this is one of my friends from high school and he tells me that he cares about me but can't help me from where he is and that I need real help. He also tells 2 of my other best friends from high school about my situation. All of them knew I was gay but they were so genuinely worried about me that I just carried myself on. So the end of my first academic term comes around and one of my best friends calls me telling me she'd overdosed. I was in the library studying for my calculus final so I panic and call somebody else close to her to go get her asap. I don't know how I managed to stay calm and get her help while simultaneously getting the highest mark I've ever gotten on an exam the next day while thinking about one of my friends being in a hospital without me there. I just finish my exams and I don't actually end up seeing her over the winter break. I say break with a grain of salt because it definitely wasn't a break for me. I left my car at my apartment because there wasn't space for it with all my siblings visiting, so I couldn't leave the house for basically 3 weeks. On top of that I didn't have a room to stay in, just a mattress in the basement next to some gym equipment nobody used. My dad tried to make me use it, and came down multiple times a day to tell me I should use it instead of laying around all day. I'm pretty sure that this lack of a break is what really pushed me over, but it was still only December heading into 2017. I was exhausted from finals and wanted to relax, but life didn't award me such luxury. I headed into the second academic term mentally exhausted, still didn't go home at all. I had a chem midterm Friday February 3rd and then a bio and physics midterm Saturday the 11th. Oh, and another one of my close friends tries to overdose in January, once again I'm the first to know about it and I freak out and call her roommate. She gets the help she needs and because she told me so early they flushed her system fast and she was out of hospital a day later. I feel bad that I don't remember exactly what day it was. So after my chemistry midterm that I studied for the entire week, I tell myself that February 4th is going to be a productive day of more studying for my next two midterms. I did absolutely nothing all day and at around 6 or 7 pm I decide I want to die. But I know I'm too much of a bitch to just take the pills, so I drink some vodka and 30 Tylenol 500mg each. I found something online that said how much Tylenol was lethal, and calculated it based on my body weight how many I needed to take. By the time I was taking the pills I'd sobered up and didn't take enough of them for my weight. I bitched out. Thought I'd be fine and I just went to sleep. I woke up the next morning vomiting bile. One of my high school friends snapchats me something funny, but I ignore it and respond to him telling him what I did. We go to the same university, so he's just a bus ride away. Still, his response is just "wtf why did u do that." And when I respond telling him why, he never opens it. So a few more hours go by and I'm going back and forth between my bed and my bathroom every 20'minutes or so until I message one of my friends I've made here at my university. I tell him what I've done and he does the responsible thing of telling his parents who also live in the city and they call an ambulance. At this point I'm so defeated I give them my address and the ambulance shows up. Nobody sees me get taken out of the building. I forgot a phone charger though, and that was just another mistake I made that day. So I get to the nearest hospital and they ask me if I want my emergency contact to be called. It's my mom, and because I'm 18 I decline. I don't want any family to know I'm there. I have blood work done and they put me on an IV. I'm falling behind on schoolwork by the second but I have my phone so I ask my nurse if she has a phone charger. They don't have any laying around the hospital, but she says I should call a friend and have them come see me. I really regret putting my friends through all that stress. They don't deserve it. I call one of my friends who I've known since elementary school. He lives on campus. I tell him I tried overdosing and I can hear him tear up. I feel bad because I hear people around him so I know that must've been embarrassing. He's one of the three friends who in November knew how I was feeling. I guess he tells my other friend from another school who told him about it, and then this friend calls me, also tearing up. I still remember exactly how he sounded on the phone. He calls the last friend from November who knew how I was feeling, and she's also the one who overdosed back in January. She calls me, and as we're talking my phone dies. She didn't cry at all; she was stronger than me. As my phone dies my friend on campus that I called shows up with my other friend that I Snapchatted that morning. I just feel embarrassed at this point. I'm in a stupid hospital robe and I'm just over exposed while laying on a hospital bed in emerg. They're shocked when they walk in. They start of by just acting normal but eventually the conversation just takes a turn and they're concerned for why I didn't talk to them. I always just felt like a burden on people, I always wanted to be self sufficient. That's where my plan of waiting until I'm financially stable came from. I didn't say that to them. I just say I don't know, and at the time I couldn't formulate any reason why so basically I really didn't know. What I knew is that I had friends to cared about me. After they left, my friend who tried to overdose in December took a bus from her different city to come visit me at 1am. I told her not to come but I'm so glad she did. She sat with me and talked to me like a normal human being, and stayed up all night. I fell asleep in my bed but she stayed up all night doing her psychology work, and I woke up in the morning with a note from her that I still keep on my phone case behind my phone to this day. She had to catch her bus back at 7:30 am because she had class that day, but still she came to visit. I see more and more people that day to ask me questions but it took me until Tuesday to see the psychiatry team. I was feeling better emotionally, but physically just gross. I hadn't showered or changed since Friday or Saturday. My facial hair was nasty too. The first person from the team who sees me is an Indian guy. We connect immediately, and he understands my perspective and the significance of my situation. He was only a student doing his residency though. The other three team members were old white women who basically gave me the decision to stay in the hospital for 2 more weeks or call my family for support and to come out to them officially. One of them even had the audacity to even ask me "do you really think they don't know you're gay." That struck a cord, and to this day I still hate that bitch. But Wednesday I called my brother, the one who my dad thinks made me gay, and I tell him what happened. He calls my parents and starts to drive to where I am but he's farther away than they are, so they get to me first. The first thing my dad says to me is that he knew I was at a high risk for this kind of thing. I thought at the time he meant to OD, but soon after I realized it was still the gay thing. I let him talk and tell me all this bullshit, but he just goes on and on about how put all the gays on an island and we'll die off, how it's not in our genes to be gay, and that this was my choice. He also said that I'm the one who chose the program I went into and chose to live off campus. He said all of this was on me. He and my mom came to this hospital to tell me that everything was in my head. I couldn't believe it. Then my parents asked me who else from my hometown knew so they could "deal with it" whatever that means. They asked me who I was having sex with, and that if my guy friends were really just people I was having sex with. It was the most demeaning experience I've ever had in my life. But my brother showed up and shut it down. I don't know how, but he did. We were speaking in Arabic the whole time, and disagreed entirely on just about everything we talked about in that hospital except for the fact that I needed to leave asap. The next day my parents and brother spoke to the psychiatry team and by some stroke of luck got them to lift my form and let me leave. My mom stays with me for the next 3 weeks and psychiatry sets me up an appointment with a professional at the university to talk to for some follow up. In the meantime I've missed a week of class and have to get my midterms moved from the 11th because I left the hospital Thursday afternoon and no way I could write them in less than two days. Walking on to campus the next day with a doctors note saying I was in the hospital was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was so out of touch with how to interact with people. I walked up to an academic counsellor to ask her what I needed to do to get my exam moved and missed assignments taken care of and she told me to go fill out a form. While I was filling it out she said "maybe you should ask somebody else next time how this works or just look it up online ahead of time." I had almost burst into tears right there in the academic counselling office but I got everything moved to the next week and tried to make things go back to normal but everybody treated me differently. Only one of my new friends I had made new what happened because he's the one who called the ambulance and I had 5 high school friends who knew. My family was still all over the religion thing and how being gay was just wrong and it not even being a religion thing. My sister called me while I was waiting in the hospital for my parents and brother to come but I was still balling my eyes out to the nurse on duty about it so my sister found out and told me that I shouldn't act on it because we all have to do our best to be good Muslims. I just told the new friends I had made in university that I was sick in the hospital, not that I had actually put myself there. I think I might be more open with them after exams are over because I can't put that burden on them while we're stressed about exams and school. I just feel like utter trash. I'm 3/5 of the way done exams and gotten marks back for 2 courses already, and my marks have dropped another 10% from first semester on top of the 10% I dropped between high school and first semester. I need an 80% average to keep my scholarship for next year and I'm pulling it way too close. I'm a part of the orientation program for first year students over the summer and in the fall, as a way to try and do some good for new students and put an emphasis on letting people know about the importance of getting help when you need it. There's so many on campus resources, but I just didn't go to them. I went through a 2 week period where I just felt like trash and missed my second appointment with the specialist on campus, and I got fined 160 bucks for it, and they treated me like absolute trash for it when I went to pay. "You shouldn't skip these appointments," "playing hookie doesn't get you anywhere." I had barely made it out of my bed to class on day that week because I had a presentation to do which I physically and very visibly shook through but I guess the TA felt bad for me because she gave my group 95% on it. So here I am trying to pull myself together at the end of the semester trying to spill my feelings on to my Tumblr blog that I've had for 6 years that nobody reads from. I might add some screenshots of what I vented to my friends just to make sure those never get lost either. If you read this (which I genuinely know is nobody) then I'm sorry I put you through that. To my best friends in this world I love you so much. My last final exam is this Friday night and finishes at 10pm. Hoping to go home to at least see my mom because my dad is visiting family overseas. I wanted to drive home to see him before he left but he just facetimed me for 2 minutes asking me how I'm doing socially. Socially. As in am I fucking anyone behind his back. The answer is definitely no. I get hit on by 60 year old me. On Grindr and anyone I match on tinder either doesn't message me or if I message them we just have a short conversation before they just ignore me entirely. I needed to get this out of my system though. Out into the world somehow. Oh well. Guess it's time to see how my life goes from here. April 24th 2017