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iphoenixrising · 3 years

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DickTimWeek2021 Day 2

** Day 2: Time Loop | Jealousy | Stray AU

Welp. Time to break some hearts.

They’re laughing like assholes as they climb through Timmy’s penthouse windows.

“Did you see that thug punch himself in the face?”

“That’s the right way to get out of an ass beating by the Batman.”

Tim, still in Red Robin, doesn’t even bother, just lets his knees buckle so he can slide down to the floor and laugh until tears are rolling down the dominio still plastered on his face.

He’s riding the concussion train with

(J)

Josephine and she’s not as bad as some of them are.

Dick at least tosses the gloves and gauntlets before hauling Timmy’s bruised ass up off the floor, throwing the arm around his shoulders.

“C’mon, you butt. Really Timmy, just laying here in your suit? Alfred would be appalled.”

“S’why I don’t go to the Manor much anymore.”

“Ooh, I’m telling. You’re going to be in so much trouble,” as he gets Tim down the hallway to the bathroom.

“Y-You can’t! You’re the oldest! Dami’s supposed to be the tattle-tale!”

“Nu-uh. As the oldest, I can do whatever the hell I want.”

And does he tell on Timmy? You bet your ass he does.

It’s nice when Alfred can look at someone else in the family with extreme disappointment.

Tim comes by the Manor the day Alfred video chats him, shuffles down to the Cave behind the butler and absolutely sticks his tongue out at Dick’s smarmy grin.

His apartment is a literal mess and Dick can’t be bothered to do much more than flop on the overstuffed couch with a groan.

Still in his uni from the day shift, he’s too bruised and battered and tired to even think of suiting up for the night. He’s been running himself ragged for two months, the day and night shifts blending together along with the usual bullshit of daily human life, and he desperately needs a night of terrible television, junk food, and snuggles.

Like he’d been reading the room, Timmy walks out of his bathroom, towel around his shoulder and hair just this side of damp.

“Hey, you made it home in one piece.” Tim’s long fingers in his hair literally pulls a noise out of Dick he can’t ever remember making.

“Yeah, I drove down because you looked like death warmed over when we talked last weekend. Luckily for you I went grocery shopping, did a few loads of your laundry, and cleaned up a little so you don’t have to worry about housework.”

“I love you. Have I told you that recently? Like, so, so much–” is muffled by the couch cushions, but he thinks Tim can probably still make it all out.

“Mmhm, I know,” and the gentle scratching against his scalp doesn’t stop, and Dick goes a little boneless with it. “I even brought my Roku so we can binge watch terrible television while you eat something more substantial than cereal. Alfred is going to be so proud of you.”

A pat to his head and Timmy is off, slinging his towel on the rack, turning on the shower again to make sure it’s nice and hot for all those bruises and contusions.

He’s no-nonsense about picking up his previous mentor and best friend, literally stripping him down and manhandling him in the shower after a low whistle at the span of blue/black across Dick’s chest and ribs, the scrapes across his back and shoulders.

The first aid kit tackle box makes an appearance because Tim plans for literally everything ever, and Dick finds himself sitting on his sink wearily while his injuries are meticulously treated.

He knows he eats something super tasty with meat and vegetables, his belly full, before Tim pulls him down on the couch and lets Dick lay against his chest, between his legs to sleepily float while watching God-awful B-movies.

It’s the most relaxing weekend he’s had in a while.

Dami sneers at Tim, arms crossed over his chest, the expression on his face begging Tim to try to deny it.

The third Robin however, is looking over at Dick with horror that the big secret is finally out in the open.

“Th-that isn’t– it’s not–” Tim fumbles desperately, “he’s been my big brother forever, that’s it!”

“Tt. Grayson may be painfully oblivious, Drake, but the rest of us are detectives. Even Todd knows of your feelings and he rarely even comes to the Manor!”

Tim’s soul literally leaves his body.

Dick blinks, completely taken back, mouth open without anything coming out.

Damian raises his eyes skyward and prays for patients dealing with these two. “What I am saying,” he tries, he really is trying here, “is that you two must cease and desist this pointless–” vague hand wave– “pining for one another. It is getting to the point of absurdity. I demand you two either discuss your need for one another or take this ridiculous mooning elsewhere. The rooftops of Gotham is no place for this,” another hand wave, “utter nonsense.”

Tim’s mouth goes dry, subtly backing away to be closer to the Ducati’s waiting for tonight’s ride. He’s pretty sure he has enough energy left in his shaky knees to hop on one and be the fuck out of the Cave before his face literally bursts into flames.

But, well. Dick was Batman.

His strategic retreat is stomped into the ground by acrobatic leaps and a very well done joint lock to keep him from immediately taking off.

Dami scoffs at them on his way up the winding staircase. He stops Pennyworth on the way and turns the butler to return back into the Manor proper, citing those two needed time to figure themselves out.

After several weeks under deep cover, Nightwing wearily hacks into Titan’s Tower and makes his way through the maze of hallways until he hits a hidden panel.

Tim is sleeping on his desk, only one empty coffee mug at his workstation. Even dead in his boots, Nightwing can take a second just to look, just to sigh, just to enjoy how much every inch of this boy is his.

He journeys down the hall, flips the bed covers up, carries his sleeping partner in and tucks the blankets around him, a quickly there kiss to the top of messy, too-long hair. A shower in Tim’s perch literally makes everything in life a little less awful and exhausting, not enough for him to do much more than crawl in bed against Tim’s warm body and snuggle up close.

He gets breakfast in bed and blue-violet eyes looking at him with fondness rather than awe, gets coffee flavored kisses and a slow-paced back rub that continues down to his thighs and calves and feet. Later, he gets a date night in a nice restaurant and a sweet San Fran club scene for dessert. He gets to let loose and hold Tim’s body against him, to play them both until the gazes are intense and the low key UST between them makes other people on the dance floor give them space.

Witty banter is a primary weapon against megalomaniacal bad guys of any flavor. For some former Robins, it’s an art form.

Over the years, they’ve cultivated their dip and distraction to bounce off one another like a well-oiled vigilante machine.

It should have been a standard take-down because it’s not one of their more dangerous, deadly villains. It’s not one of the Rogue Gallery baddies. It’s not one of the mobster families, not one of the super powered groups come to call. It’s not someone with hordes of thugs and deadly science waiting to take them down.

It’s a simple B&E, just Nightwing talking it up to draw gunfire while Red Robin is creeping up from behind to get the last laugh.

It’s one of a thousand times they’ve done this.

It’s a guaranteed win.

It’s the last hour of patrol before they get to go back to Red’s penthouse and snuggle together, eat and show, probably have some fantastic sex before passing out.

The .45 shell, however, cuts through the suit, between armored plates.

Going after the running baddies is automatic, taking them down, zip ties, and viola. They’re ready for GCPD to pick-up, all kinds of gift-wrapped.

When N finally realizes Red isn’t with him, isn’t answering comms, isn’t waiting for him on the roof, he goes back inside. He hits up B for a ride in the big car in case he missed –

– anything.

The pool of blood around Red Robin is more than he can afford to lose, and Nightwing has been in the vigilante life for over twenty years, has been official with Red Robin for a little over two, has personal experience on how his Baby Bird can take a mostly-fatal beating and still keep moving. He’s seen Tim come close with the Clench, with horrifying injuries, with any of the many bad guys they fight holding him hostage.

Nightwing has seen him perform literal miracles.

And tells him so the entire time he’s got Red Robin up in his arms, carrying him through Gotham’s skyline to the waiting car, falling in with Red on his lap when the familiar hatch slides back, the tourniquet already applied before he even shot a grapple. The struggling pulse is enough of a concern to get it together.

And even if they all gather to strip off the suit, and now it’s on to get vitals back to an acceptable range. Even if the Bats cry overhead, even if the equipment is top notch in the Cave, even if Dick is still talking the whole time, and Alfred is keeping a cool head and Bruce is gripping a hand and Damian is standing at the ready to hand implements and Cass is biting her thumbnail while she hovers and Steph is moving from empty space to empty space around the gurney –

The consistent beep of the flatline cuts through it all.

The Titans make it for the service.

Each of them make a point to hug Dick for as long as possible, holding on tightly.

Bruce is silent and stoic, a little boy again when he has to watch someone else he loves being lowered into the cold, unforgiving ground. Another Robin taking a piece of his heart to the afterlife.

Steph is red-eyed, a ghost moving around to individual circles, listening to stories she might not have known.

Cass grips the coffin with bruised knuckles, her whole body wound tight as a string ready to snap. She doesn’t move the entire service, is already convinced leaving him to his own devices caused this whole thing. She doesn’t blame the thugs or Dick or Bruce. She blames the boy that never understood how much it all means.

Duke Thomas is back in Gotham, taking leave from the Outsiders to be here for the family that took him in after the Joker drove his parents insane. He hovers in the doorway to welcome mourners, direct them toward the book to sign-in, talks about Tim Drake with regular humans and other metas in disguise, accepts condolences with his throat tight and his eyes watery. He makes sure Dick has a bottle of water after the first hour, pats Damian’s shoulder, grips Bruce’s arm, weaves an arm around Cassandra’s back to give her a squeeze, obediently looks at the old pictures of Tim on Steph’s photo roll when she’s overcome and has to see that smile again.

In the back, Jason Todd wears dark shades and a clean black suit. Roy Harper is beside him, a hand on the broad back to keep him grounded, to keep the Pit rage at bay. If anyone knows how far Tim and Jason had come over the years, it’s the former Red Arrow. If anyone knows how much agony Jason is in at this moment, at another fallen brother, another Robin gone, if anyone had held the Red Hood while he screamed and cried and broke the utter fuck down, it’s Roy Harper.

Damian Wayne hovers right by Grayson’s side, silently supporting his first Batman, his first brother. Whenever Dick’s eyes start going hazy, glazing over, Damian gently grips a wrist to bring him back, allows fingers to lace through his own and tolerates the tight squeeze that obviously assists in grounding the oldest Robin.

(Later when the night is crowding grief-stricken Wayne Manor, Damian will be the one to open Grayson’s bedroom door, lift the covers to crawl in behind him, to wind both arms tightly. He will be the one to take the onslaught of grief, to be soaked in tears and snot, to listen to the broken, hoarse voice, to make soothing hums that ultimately mean nothing.)

Alfred Pennyworth quietly talks with the funeral director about the arrangements. Of course Master Timothy would want to be laid to rest with his parents, and the family appreciates all the support and ease of process as the deceased was an important part of the Wayne family.

When he gets a phone call, he firmly verifies the name on the tombstone is Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne Grayson.

Exactly four days after the service, the Flash is staring at him helplessly, gripping Nightwing’s arm tight, “please, please, Dick, don’t do this. You can’t think this is the answer!”

He can barely hear Wally with the absolute destruction going on around them, the machine they’d inadvertently stumbled upon (which is a lie, Nightwing had been looking for it and the Flash basically caught him red handed).

“You know you aren’t going to be able to stop me.” Standing between the glowing portal and Wally, debris from overhead crashing down on them at intervals, Nightwing is at his peak stubborn, “no matter how fast you are.”

“You don’t understand what’s going to happen,” Wally yells desperately as the vacuum starts pulling at Nightwing’s other arm, pulling him into–

–the Speed Force.

“You don’t have the lightning, Dick, you won’t be able to get yourself out, and I won’t have any way of tracking you!”

The small smirk as the machine’s panel starts going haywire, lights blinking and readings off the charts, makes Wally’s heart clench hard in his chest, makes him try to dig in his heels, makes his stomach tremble.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve already done this, Wally. And I’ll do it as many times as it takes until I change everything.”

The pellet Nightwing palmed before the Flash grabbed his hand goes off the same time the machine hits the highest ratings and a low boom is followed up with an intense swirling suction, pulling the heroes closer to the portal’s surface.

The light grenade goes off without a hitch and the Flash has no choice but to let Nightwing go.

They’re laughing like assholes as they climb through Timmy’s penthouse windows.

#dicktimweek2021 #dicktim #dick grayson #tim drake #sad times #time loop #winter writes #my ficlet

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earliebirb · 4 years

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Could you write stony x 22 from the prompt list?🥺 (if you feel like it obv💕)

Hello! Thank you for the prompt. So sorry for the long wait. I hope you like it!

can’t take my eyes off you

steve/tony, fluff, getting together, 1523 words

(22 from this list)

“Goddammit, that’s it.”

Standing from where he was seated on one of the stools by the kitchen island, Tony makes his way over to Steve, who is sitting at the dining table. Laid out in front of him is an open sketchbook, faint pencil lines making up a crude shape that is too early in its production for Tony to identify. Looking up at Tony from his seat across the table, Steve’s features are bathed in the orange glow of the late afternoon sunset.

Tony was walking into the kitchen to get his caffeine fix when it happened again. Steve had been drawing in his beloved sketchbook, but Tony heard the way the distant sound of pencil strokes ceased immediately when he walked in. He tried to ignore it and continued to pour coffee into his mug, but eventually temptation got the better of him. He looked over and sure enough, he found Steve staring at him once again. The moment Tony met his gaze, however, Steve’s eyes fell down to his sketchbook.

This time, Tony has had enough. He is entering the forty-first hour of a workshop binge, sleep-deprived, and running on what has so far been a grand total of nine cups of coffee. He is tired and grumpy and he is going to get to the bottom of this even if it’s the last thing he does. He has been patient enough to wait for Steve to tell him, but Tony has just decided that all of this needs to end now.

He slams a hand down on the table. Steve jumps, visibly startled.

“What is it?” Tony demands.

“What is what?” Steve eyes him apprehensively, eyebrows creased together. The man is six feet of pure muscle; he has no right to look that adorable when confused.

“Come on,” Tony says, waving his hand in a beckoning motion, “lay it on me.”

“Lay what on you?” Steve asks, head tilted slightly to the side.

He looks like a confused golden retriever puppy, his brain supplies unhelpfully.

Tony shakes his head and resumes his very important task of glaring Steve into submission.

“Clearly something’s been bothering you. Something about me. What is it this time? My recklessness on the field? How horrible of a team player I am?” Tony squints at Steve, body leaning forward across the table separating them. “Come on, yell at me. Get it out of your system.”

“What? I don’t want… to yell at you,” Steve says slowly.

“Well, that’s a first.” Tony scowls. “So, what is it?”

“I don’t—”

“And don’t say that it’s nothing, because I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

“Oh,” Steve breathes and Tony sees realization dawning in his eyes. “It’s… nothing.”

Tony makes an incredulous face. “Did you not hear what I just said?”

Steve stands up abruptly, chair scraping loudly against the floor. He flips his sketchbook closed, slipping the pencil into its spiral binding. His movements are hurried.

“Sorry, I need to go—”

“Hey, no.” Tony rounds the table swiftly and blocks Steve’s path. “I’m not letting you walk away before you tell me what it is.”

“It’s really nothing.” Steve sighs, but he is looking at anywhere but Tony so Tony knows that he is on to something here.

“Just spit it out, Steve.” Tony crosses his arms, determined to stand his ground.

Steve tries to sidestep Tony but Tony meets him every time, preventing his escape. Tony levels him with an unimpressed look. Seeing that Tony is not backing down any time soon, Steve finally stills. He stares at Tony for a few seconds before letting out a long and shaky breath. Tony frowns, growing increasingly impatient.

“Dammit, what is it—”

“You’re beautiful, okay?” Steve blurts out, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can’t stop staring at you because I find you… beautiful.”

Tony blinks at him. He looks down at himself and blinks again.

Don’t get him wrong, Tony knows how attractive he can be dressed in an expensive suit with his hair immaculately styled—a look that does wonders to charm various business associates, the public, as well as the long line of supermodels he used to invite to warm his bed back in his more adventurous days.

At the moment, however, he is dressed in a faded T-shirt and a pair of loose-fitting plaid pajama pants. He tends to go for comfort over style at home—like any normal person—no matter how mismatched his outfit may end up being. He has motor oil stains all over his body and he is pretty sure that he has even managed to get some in his hair. He smells like sweat and metal. To put it mildly, he doesn’t exactly look very well put together, let alone to warrant the use of the word “beautiful”.

Therefore, he concludes that there must be only one logical explanation here, which is:

“Steve, did you hit your head somewhere?” Tony questions, genuinely concerned. “I literally haven’t showered in almost two days. I’m wearing pajama pants.”

Steve looks slightly affronted at that, opening his mouth once before closing it again. His jaw flutters in frustration.

“My head is fine,” Steve says. He looks straight into Tony’s eyes, like he needs Tony to understand what he is about to say.

“I always find you beautiful regardless of what you’re wearing. But…” Steve trails off hesitantly, as if he is deciding whether or not to voice out the thoughts running through his mind, or like he has already decided on telling Tony but is still working out the best way to say it.

He must have arrived at some kind of decision after a few moments of quiet deliberation, because Tony watches as Steve takes a deep breath and stands up straight with renewed determination, soldiering on:

“You look comfortable and relaxed like this, when you’re at home,” Steve says, eyes flitting down to Tony’s AC/DC T-shirt, “and your hair looks really soft without product in it.”

“When you’re tired, you do this slow blinking thing that is really adorable,” Steve muses as he smiles to himself, lost in thought. “And whenever you head for the coffee pot, I like to look out for this happy little noise you always make when you take your first sip and—”

Tony makes a strangled noise. Steve’s eyes snap up to look at him and the smile on his face disappears in an instant, like somehow in the short span of time he has spent listing off the little things that he thinks make Tony beautiful he has forgotten that Tony has actually been standing right there, in front of him, the entire time.

“You get the gist,” Steve mumbles weakly, cheeks a lovely shade of pink. “Please don’t make me say more.”

Meanwhile, Tony is still blatantly staring at him, trying to remind himself that breathing is a thing.

“I’m really sorry, Tony. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just need some time to get over it, I swear.” Steve looks down at his feet, fingers curled into tight fists at his side. His broad shoulders are slightly hunched forward, like he is trying to make himself look smaller. All in all, he looks not unlike a child that is being chastised for a mistake.

Even as Tony’s brain is reeling from this onslaught of new information, his heart is already going wild—carelessly jumping to conclusions of what these revelations might mean—and Tony tries his best to shove down the hope back where it belongs.

“Get over… it?” Tony asks, very cautiously.

“This. My feelings.” Steve swallows. “...You.”

Oh. Oh.

Tony clears his throat and feels the back of his neck heating up. “Uh, you see, that— That would be… inconvenient.”

Steve meets his eyes curiously, his embarrassment momentarily taking a backseat to confusion.

“You getting over me would be highly inconvenient,” Tony clarifies.

“How so?” Steve asks, voice small and timid.

“Well, because…”

Stepping closer to Steve, Tony delights in Steve’s immediate reaction to the close proximity—breath turning ragged and cheeks flushing an even darker shade of pink.

Ocean blue eyes that Tony has seen carrying virtually every single emotion imaginable are now filled with a delicate mix of emotions that Tony has never seen Steve direct at him before. There is hope there, but fear, too. Steve is looking at him like his fate is hanging in the balance and Tony is the only person with the power to tip the scales one way or the other.

There is also love. He thinks that there might have always been love in the way Steve looks at him. Tony just never really noticed before.

No. He had never allowed himself to notice, never let himself look for something he had been sure would never be there.

For the first time in forever, Tony allows hope to bloom fiercely within him, its tendrils spreading out through his entire body, warming him from the inside out.

He looks up at Steve with a careful smile, his own heartbeat ringing in his ears.

“I happen to think you’re beautiful, too.”

#stevetony #stevetony fic #stony #stony fic #superhusbands #steve/tony #steve x tony #mine #earl wrote something #earl answers #user: irontinystar

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ohmylove--mydarling · 3 years

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It’s true what they say about your early-to-mid 20s. This particular span of ten blissful, wanton years is the only time in your entire life where you will ever feel truly invincible. And yes, you absolutely better enjoy it while it lasts. Lithe-bodied, hopeful, capable of both pounding an entire handle of rail vodka all while making it to your 8 am sociology class the next day, they’re a little like your teen years, with one prized difference. Your early-to-mid 20s are blessed with the seemingly novel, universe-bending element of freedom.

And freedom doesn’t simply mean the ability to make stupid decisions without the fear of getting grounded. It also means the freedom to live in an idyllic sort of vacuum, where you’re surrounded by friends – if we’re being honest, the family you get to choose – and cradled in this serene philosophy, this security blanket of an idea that hangs in the air but is never outwardly or directly expressed, that this, all of this, will last forever. That these people will always be there, they will always be around, floating with you in this bubble, as free and easily accessible as a coatrack or your neighbor’s WiFi. Always holding your beer, always holding your hair back (while you puke, or maybe while you cry), always holding your hand. Always at the very least in the peripheral, if not the forefront, of your vision.

During these years you know everything, and yet somehow you know nothing at all.

***

Like most of the sorority sisters I grew close with – and as is probably true with anyone else who pledged a very tiny chapter at an equally tiny school – I don’t remember much about how I met Taylor beyond the first night she “rushed.” Rush is an interesting social phenomenon, for multiple reasons. Picture a gaggle of young college-aged women who typically spend every waking hour of their day primping and glossing and adjusting for the sole purpose of the male gaze. Except this time, their attention is entirely drawn to a smaller group of girls (not that much smaller of a group, if we’re lucky this semester) that they want to impress instead. A frenzy of compliments and genuine interest, a dormant volcano of estrogen and hot girl energy and reciprocation, madly overflowing in a span of two hours over something as innocuous as an ice cream social or tie-dying a pile of crewneck t-shirts (I think we did the “hippie” recruitment theme every other semester). It is one of the very best parts of what is an often problematic-at-best Greek culture, and this rush was no different.

I’m not sure what my first impression of Taylor was, other than that we obviously had the same first name, and oh yeah, she was beautiful– effortlessly pretty but not the least intimidating. I could approach her and talk to her and not feel like a complete toad. She was a little soft-spoken, incredibly polite. I think she wore navy blue. And an aura of genuine kindness seemed to radiate from her with the soft glow of candlelight.

After rush ended and Taylor chose to join our ranks, where she belonged, it felt like she had been in my life from the very beginning. And, though this idea was never spoken, it felt like she would never leave.

***

In a sorority, there is sometimes a tendency, however unintentional, to categorize your sisters, and to turn to certain ones for different needs at different times. There’s the sister you study with, the sister you go on your morning run with, the sister(s) you are always down to party with. There’s the sister who makes amazing grilled cheese, the sister whose dorm is the only place you’ll binge-watch Supernatural. When you’re riding the waves of a breakup, you got mad options: There’s the sister who brushes your hair as you ugly-cry and choke on your own snot, the sister who pledges to hook you up with her brother’s hot friend the moment you’re ready for a rebound, the “dump him sis” sister who yanks your phone out of your hand in the middle of what is probably a very unwise text and threatens to stab him with her eyebrow razor if he so much as looks at you again, the sister who makes you forget the whole thing ever happened, that it ever even mattered.

There’s the maid of honor sister, the future fun wine-aunt sister, the sister you have on speed-dial even though speed-dial isn’t a thing anymore. There are the sisters who teach you how to do winged liner, how to hide a hickey with coral lipstick and concealer, how to chant, how to chug, how to memorize the Greek alphabet and the …numbers (at least for the ones who are most definitely going to ask). There are the sisters whose weddings you bawl at, whose babies you hold and immediately love as an extension of the incredible mother who brought them into this world.

And there are the sisters who teach you grace and humility, strength and resilience, kindness and self-love. The sisters who changed your life for the better the moment they put on your letters, the sisters who hand you the mirror and force you to see yourself just as they see you.

The thing about Taylor was that she was all of these. The whole package. Everything good, all in one.

***

Though our friendship was at its strongest during my college and immediate post-college years, Taylor remained a calming, grounding presence in my life. She married an incredible man who loved her for all the reasons we did and plenty more, and I went to her wedding and cried. She got a job as a nurse at the local hospice, a profession she seemed put on this earth to do. I could picture Taylor in her element there, literally surrounded by an entire ocean of grief, serving as an island of hope, a beacon of light and love for those who so desperately needed all those things, the things she provided us without question even when our lives were comfortable. Soon after – and this thought still makes something in my throat ache – she brought life into this world, a beautiful daughter with both her mother’s eyes and her genuine love and gratitude for life, a joyful curiosity coloring everything she did.

Taylor’s life, we knew, was finally the one she had always deserved.

***

I won’t, and can’t anyway, get into the details of Taylor’s passing. I can say that nothing about it was expected and literally every detail about it is horrific. Personally, it feels like a robbery, like something was taken from me; but on a grander scale, on a scale that actually matters, it is simply heartbreak. Riding the waves of grief not only for my own loss, but for a husband, a child, a family, a community whose lives were upended and whose hearts were crushed by something that simply should not have happened in a universe where they say justice and kindness exist.

Frankly, this grief is unlike any other I have experienced. It has a way of blanketing everything around me, like mosquito netting. It is as thick and choking as a cloud of black smoke, permeating my clothes, filling my lungs, making it impossible to see, so all I can do is desperately cling to whatever gives me the slightest amount of peace, no matter how fleeting. As someone who has always struggled with my faith (and moments like these certainly do not help), I try to remember Taylor’s. It brought her comfort and strength, the belief that God loves everyone so naturally she was going to love everyone, too. And all I can hope is that this belief of hers, this faith, manifested in her final moments. That there was a light, a voice, a presence, something there that reminded her that she was loved. That we knew she loved us, that her family will never be alone, that we will desperately miss her. That her legacy is as wide and expansive as all the oceans.

Her funeral is in a few days. Her funeral, a concept still as foreign as my own.

***

At this point it’s probably clear, but the things I want people to remember the most about Taylor are, quite simply, her kindness and her intrinsic ability to love. She was kind without questioning. She loved without strings or conditions, tirelessly and endlessly. At a time when an icy, impenetrable layer of cynicism seemed to blanket so many of our hearts – including my own – Taylor managed to crack it a little, to let just enough of her light and her warmth in to make a change.

I teased her often – probably too often – for her unbreakable habit of bringing home literally any stray cat she ever found (and then naming it something either really cute or painfully dumb, like “Moe” or “Cheese”). But even as someone who unapologetically hates cats, and more honestly as someone who spent most of her 20s thinking that if I hardened my exterior and never let love in I was somehow protecting everything it surrounded, I viewed this habit through a secret lens of adoration. I adored Taylor’s heart. I hoped to absorb some of it, its ability to love everything, to find beauty in the darkest and loneliest spaces and to also force people to see it and feel it for themselves.

I felt Taylor was going to be around forever. It was a selfish thought. I hadn’t physically seen her in over a year (there was a pandemic and she was a nurse and I was subsumed by my own now meaningless world). I am filled with an omnipresent regret that I have no control over. I miss her so much my heart feels swollen and achy with a pining, a real grief.

There is no happy ending to this, no concise, comfortable, heartwarming way to wrap this all up in a pretty package, though Taylor was the type to want everything to have a good ending. So instead I cling to the memories, the photographs. Our banquets, homecoming, Lana del Rey, cherry blossoms. The way she rapped that entire A$AP Ferg verse one night. The way she looked in her wedding gown. The way she talked about charity and good deeds. The way she talked about God. Her love, no matter what transgression I made or no matter if I failed to give it back. I hope to love harder now, and if I can, it’s because Taylor taught me how.

I love you, Taylor. DZLAM.

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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Tom and Jerry 2021 Review: It’s Almost Adequate!

Hello you happy people, and welcome to a surprise review! While this was on my schedule, I moved it out to make room for my new Patreon Sponsored review. Yes at the 5 dollar tier you too can get a review a month.. but enough shilling. Point is I had some thoughts on the film, and felt I could squeeze a review of it into the schedule since my review for yesterday, the 90′s Tom and Jerry movie, got canceled as I both had to finish up my tex avery birthday review and hadn’t noticed it wasn’t on HBO Max like I thought. I could’ve sworn it was once but not anymore. Gee it’s almost like they removed their overtly awful Tom and Jerry movie from the service so people woudln’t be reminded of it when they watched the mediocre new one. Or it was never on there because HBO wants to bury that mistake in a hole. You make the call.

Point is I had some room in my schedule, so if I can’t cover the 1990 movie this weekend, though I FULLY intend to still do that at some point as it still fascinates me, might as well cover the one everyone’s actually watching. So join me under the cut with spoilers to go into why this film is .. ehhhh. under the cut

Tom and Jerry follows, as you’d expect, our working boys up to their ass in shit, what is this buisness. In this case Tom literally rides in on a rail with his keyboard wanting to be a big musician one day, while Jerry is shopping around for a home but can’t find any in his bracket. The two end up fighting, as you’d expect, when Tom performs as a blind cat in a park, a great gag, and Jerry first steals his customers by dancing to his music, but then when Tom tries to stop him, not only exposes his scam, but gets Tom’s beloved Keyboard broken.

In the process of Tom trying to get Jerry back for runing his day, Tom ruins the day of Kayla, a cynical young lady played by Chole Grace Moretz who like Robin in the last theatrical film, is a blonde girl who takes up way more screen time than our heroes for some reason. Tom accidently destroys the clothes she was sent to deliver, and she gets fired from her Task Rabbit esque job... despite the fact that TaskRabbit is app based, entirely built around how you do jobs for hire as needed, and that at most she’d get a bad review and that the app dosen’t actually hire people. I know this both because i’ve seen the apps and parodies of it show up on tv shows I watch, most recently Close Enough, and because I took the 2 minutes it took to google it , read some of the Wikipedia article and do the bare minimum that me, a paid only by commissions and patreons reviewer, did to prove a point, and that the writers of this film, who likely got paid at least 10000 for a rewrite, and more for whoever wrote the treatment, which is about 30,000 at lowest as told to me by this article on what screenwriters get paid I looked up solely to prove a point. So they got paid tens of thousands of dollars, probably more than standard... to not spend 5 minutes looking up what task rabbit is, becuase they wanted to give her a “hip” job instead of just having her work for a dry cleaner. Then again they got thousands upon thousands to half ass it and i’m getting paid nothing to go on a rant about how they half assed it, so maybe i’m the dumbass, I dunno, but at least I take pride in my work. And i’ve had trouble spellchecking at times so take that as you will.

But so far the film is not bad: the slapstick is blended really well, the action is pitch perfect and our heroes are given good motivations: Kayla’s to find a job, Tom to play piano professionally and Jerry to find a proper home. You ready for some letdown?!

All three of our heroes converge at the Royal Gate Hotel, a prestigious hotel that’s been host to popes, dignitaries and Drake. Jerry sneaks inside, and soon finds himself at home and making himself home, Tom TRIES to and ends up getting on the wrong side of Butch, the black cat from the shorts played in this film by reggaton performer Nicky Jam. Why they choose him over a comedian or anyone who could actually act, especially since Butch dosen’t have a musical number or anything, is a riddle for the ages. My best guest, as it always is, is that Tim Story owes him a Wookie-Style life debt. Not only that but even more bafflingly Butch’s gang, who to the films credit like him are all his gang of cats from the classic shorts, are played by Kevin Hart’s Improve Troop, The Plastic Cup Boyz. I got a preview for what passing a kidney stone’s going to feel like just typing that name. I thought I had no explanation for this, not even a wookie life debt can explain how Kevin Hart’s posse, because he has one for some reason but at least unlike Adam Sandler he’s helping his smaller named friends get big instead of just promoting guys who really shouldn’t have a career or dragging poor guys like Shaq or Terry Crews into your bullcrap because they like you., can explain how this happened. But I forgot I looked up Tim Story’s filmography when I first found out he was director here, more on him later, and found out he directed both Ride Along films, both think like a man films, and one of Kevin Hart’s specials, so the two presumably are friends or at least have a solid working relationship, and given how successful the first Ride Along was for both men, I doubt Tim would turn down a favor from him and vice versa.

And while I find the Plastic Cup Boyz inclusion in this film bizzare and wish it was fellow comedy troupe and starkid adjacent wonderkinds the Tin Can Bros so I could get Joey Richter voicing an animated cat, they at least try their best, their just not given much to do and I don’t get casting them in these side rolls or not giving the butch role to one of them as Nicky Jam just sucks in the role. And I get Butch isn’t the most solid or complex character, but it still isn’t THAT hard, with the 80 drumloads of great comedians out there, to find SOMEONE better, and it’s weird Kevin Hart himself isn’t in the roll. If it wasn’t a wookie life debt i’m betting Hart was going to play Butch, had to back out due to scheduling conflicts or whatever, and Tim found the first guy he could who’d take almost nothing instead of an actual actor.

Kayla meanwhile somehow takes herself from sympathetic to wholly unlikeable in the span of the scene by maniuplating and terrifying a poor woman into not taking the job, outright STEALING HER RESUME, meaning if she screwed up this might go on the poor woman’s record, and lying her way into the job. And if the woman had been you know a classist dick or something, i’d understand but this is a perfectly nice lady who worked really hard, and who looses out on a job because some little bitch talked her out of it and then stole her identity. This one act really just makes me not care: It’s one thing to do what you gotta to get a job, I myself have never lied on an application but I get new york’s insanely expensive. Even if she presumibly lives in a hole that’s cramped, has roaches or rats, who given this unvierse probably have tiny tv’s that are still way too loud and binge watch way too much Jersey Shore at 2 in the morning, and is probably haunted, probably by Droopy wearing a bedsheet going boo but still, and yes he’s also alive here but he has identical cousins. Not the point. Point is even if she has sympathetic motives.. what she did is not okay and when she get flashes of guilt throughtout hte film it’s never long enough to feel like it’s not her simply feeling bad she didn’t get this herself and not that she STOLE IT FROM ANOTHER PERSON. Again if she’d FAKED her resume, this would’ve been fine, simply set up some websites, and it would’ve worked so why they went with this elaborate setup that takes her into outright crimes is beyond me.

Point is she gets hired by the manager/owner, Mr. Dubrois, played by Rob Delany, but since his name isn’t used enough i’m just going to call him Mustache Manager. Her direct superior whose against her being hired is Terrance, the Gate’s Event Manager played by a way too good for this film Micheal Pena, who sadly is given nothing to work with. Terrance.. is supposed to be the bad guy because he distrusts kayla. And while one of those reasons is stupid, she makes a joke about the goldfish being an aquatics manger and he takes it dead seriously, he’s rightfully supscious she’s not who she says she is, since one of the places on her resume is a place he knows people from. The only way the film manages to make him the bad guy is he is COMICALLY out of touch: he dosen’t get sarcasm, as seen before, dosen’t want people posting jerry to “snapgram or instaface”, and seems to have trouble relating to his guests. What makes this not work is that he’s manger at a ludicrously expensive hotel. As such a good chunk of his events would be for Celebrties, since New York’s a big hub for them, having tons living there and visiting for films, apperances on late night talk shows, SNL and what have you and being a prime spot for events and it’s clear part of his job is talking to the guests as the two the film focuses on, more on that in a minute, know him and have met him before. He also mentions Drake having stayed there... he would NOT have kept this job.

You’d need to do through research on these kinds of celebrates and social media is the easiest way to do that, to get what they like, what they don’t, what they don’t want to talk about, what scandals or gos might be going on to keep paparazzi out. I don’t even know how this business works nor did I google it.. and I didn’t to prove a point.. that even with no real idea how this works.. I still get what you’d probably need to know to make events for rich famous people. I’m not convinced Terrance knows how an internet works. And given writer Kevin Costello wrote the well received and weird film I still want to see Brigbsby Bear, I get the sense a lot of this nonsense was added in rewrites demanded by executives and credit him more for what works in the film. More on that in a moment.

Kayla is hired on because the Royal Gate has it’s biggest event ever, the wedding of Ben, played by Colin Jost, and Preeta, played by Pallavi Sharda. Why is it big? What do they do exactly? Are they trust fund babies? Did Ben invent an app? Did Preeta cure global warming? Did they both help defeat Galactus DEVOURER OF WORLDS?!... I dont’ know. If the film told me at all why their big names, even if it’s just because their famous for being famous which would be fine, why this is bigger than a fucking pope visiting, I missed it and I actually went back to their first scene and the scene where Mustache Manager brings up the wedding in the first place to Kayla, and found nothing. We just know their rich, their getting married, Ben doesn’t listen to Preeta and is insufferable, and that they own two classic Tom and Jerry characters: Ben owns spike whose played by Bobby Canavale who isn’t bad but dosen’t try to sound like spike at all and that annoys me given unlike Tom and Jerry, the former of whom’s signature noises from the cartoon were used archivally and otherwise dosen’t talk and only sings on occasion or does that wonderfully weird “don’t you belivie it” thing., has a distinct voice they could’ve got someone to imitate. The other is Preeya’s cat toodles, that white cat Tom is always trying to bang, who got a neat less anthro redesign.

Toots, Toodles whatever you call her the redesign works, making her more of a cat, and only speaking in meows for some reason, and combinging the two female cats tom’s liked, but while still being just funny animal enough that him wanting some pussy, so to speak, isn’t too creepy.

And this is where the film undergoes a bit of a shift. While the 20 or so minutes are rightfully focused on our boys with a bit of focus on Kayla, from here on out she’s our defacto lead. Given the last film did the same damn thing of making Tom and Jerry not the main leads in their own movie, you can see the problem. I will say to the film’s credit it is still LEAGUES better in a lot of other ways than the 90′s film in that the plot is actually centered around them: Jerry, when stealing some cheese, and runs afoul of the tempermental Chef Jackie played by Kim Jeong. Though i’m 100% not convinced Ben Chang didn’t just lie on his resume at some place and has now somehow become a michline star canditate. He finds Jerry, and Kayla volunteers to catch him to help her own career and validly points out her doing this discreetly with only the staff knowing about the mouse will keep it from becoming a social media nightmare.

The 90′s film could work without them, replacing them with any animal sidekick for Robin, since nit’s so far removed from Tom and Jerry their really an afterthought. Here the film DOES feel like a tom and jerry plot at it’s core, Jerry’s somewhere he shoudln’t be, Tom wants to chase him either due to personal greivance or his job depending on it, in this case both. The small side cast are all involved, and given decent if thin justifications for being there: Butch is an ally cat and Spike and Tootles are the pets of the happy couple.

And honestly the slapstick portions, the portions that are tom and jerry focused or use the humans well, are BRILLIANT. No really, it’s good stuff once in a while using a bit from the classics but mostly coming up with new gags and the animation is gorgeous. I won’t lie and say it’s always perfect, sometimes the models are a bit off and look unfinished and that’s not forgivable when you delay your film two months, and thus have extra time to work on that. But that’s a few shots here and there versus the majority of hte film where the various animals all blend perfectly. Unlike most Live Action adaptations of an old cartoon, this one actually seemed to have good reason, as they’ve taken the basic roger rabbit tech of decades ago and expanded on it well. Just like that classic you often wonder how the hell they pulled this off, and outside of one egregrous sequence where tom sets up an elaborate trap we spend far too much time on, when they do use CG for any props, you can’t tell. This is best highlighted by what I consdier to be the film’s best sequence and what brings Tom into the plot proper after lurking on the fringes for a good 15 minutes: Tom, miserable in the rain, finds jerry living it up in an empty room, and after some fun shenanigans trying to get in, finally succeds leading to a good 2-3 minute sequence of the two chasing after each other in the room. There are no actors, no one else and the room is empty, but perfectly gimmicked to time with thier movments. Wether they used cg and I couldn’t tell or just simply timed things great, it’s utterly fantastic and shows why this film is live action: while i’td be fine animated they cleary ahd the tech and ideas to do it live and thus did it this way. Naturally Kayla meets Tom again, and after finding out the room was trashed by both him and Jerry gets Mustache Manager to hire him.

But this is the problem: While there are great set pieces like this, or a REALLY damn impressive one later where Terrance gets dragged into a ball of violence while walking Spike for Ben and we see INSIDE IT, with Terrance not moving as fast but that being okay. And I love the movie’s commitment that ALL animals are animated. So it has it’s charms and gets a LOT right.

It’s clear to me from this strong core that the script was messed with, either by director Tim Story or the execs. Some misguided and stupid bits I get even if it was a bad idea: Tom does do the piano at one point, after he thinks he’s gotten rid of Jerry thanks to again an unwieldy overly long bit of CGI that’s a down spot on the usually good just tom and jerry stuff. And he STARTS singing a 40′s jazz song, and I thought “Okay they really got this and are doing something like is you is or is you ain’t my baby this will be fun”. Then T-Pain started using autotune, because of course, and Tom’s shoulder devil started scratching next to him...

By the way Tom’s Shoulder Devil and Angel are played very well by Lil Rel Howrey , aka Rod from Get Out. So good on you man, one bit of non miscasting. There’s one or two cringe inducing moment of trying to be hip here or there though for a film like this it isn’t nearly as bad as you’d expect. Still bad but i’ve seen so much worse at this point i’m not going to bother getting mad or upset over it. I’m used to this kind of thing from kids movies.

But while the film dosen’t really lack Tom and Jerry, it sidelines them way too often> There’s just too many scenes just about Kayla, whose not only not a great character despite Chole trying her absolute hardest god bless her. Her hitting it off with the bartender, her arguing with Terrance whose even more insufferable and her bonding with Preeta and Ben being annoying, we’ll get to him.. WE’LL GET TO HIM. But they aren’t funny or interesting, there’s nothing THERE to really get me interested, nothing new or fresh that we haven’t seen done better before. There’s just nothing, it feels like large parts of blank space. And to illustrate this my Niece, who I watched the film with and really loves Tom and Jerry after I showed it to her... played with other stuff during most of those scenes. And she’s young, her attention span is not great.. but noticably during the actual scenes of slapstick she was glued to the tv, just like she was when I showed her the classic shorts. It’s not just old farts like me who remember tom and jerry from their youth.. it’s the kids your TRYING to appeal to that don’t want this. If you can’t get kids, who in general and speaking from my own personal experience will watch just about anything, to pay attention YOU. HAVE. FAILED.

Okay took a second to compose myself, let’s move on to the rest of the movie. So after T-Pain stabbed music in the throat, we get to the worst section of the film as Kayla brokers peace between the two to get Preeta’s ring back after the three end up in the aformnetioned violence ball with Terrance, who she ducks his claims that she didn’t catch the mouse.. which she did not but for once she’s sympathetic as Terrance is much more likeable either, though gaslighting him and getting him put on leave is a bit extreme. Bafflingly, Kayla gets his job as event cordinator for now, and thus has to broker peace between the two warring factions.. and does so in the strangest way possible: by booking a day for them in new york to hang out and be BUDDIES!. This isn’t bad as the last film as it dosen’t last, but it is just.. surreal seeing the two having a hanging out montage around new york. Like the film just took a really weird turn with this, the montage itself isn’t weird, it’s standard shenanigans minus the fighting but still good stuff. Unlike the 90′s movie instead of singing about being palls or helping a small child, they just get into cartoony shenanigans together. More proof the film could’ve been so much better just with them.

Speaking of proof the film would’ve been better without them , Ben fucks around with a drone for the wedding, after Preeta confided in Kayla the wedding’s getting to be a bit much. So let’s talk about Ben shall we? While Preeta is just nice, friendly and down to earth, Ben... is a dumbass, a jackass and just an ass. His whole schtick is that he keeps escalting the wedding despite her wishing he’d stop, and i’ts just.. not funny. A guy ignoring his partner’s wishes, constnatly doing big gestures in large part to try and win over her dad who RIGHTFULLY hates, and in general just sucks. I do not blame this on Colin Jost: He’s perfectly charming on SNL, and Weekend Update is usually damn fun under him and Micheal Che. But like with Pena and Mortez, he’s given NOTHING to work with, and furthe rmore can’t improvise.. aka the skill most SNL cast and almnus walk away with. So it’s no suprise he instead comes off like an anoying plank of wood you want to see fall down a manhole and never return so Preeta can marry someone else. I dunno the Doorman’s a pretty cool guy, and if he’s taken or something there’s always Droopy. Droopy’s the smoothest motherfucker and we all know. And if HE’S taken there’s mustache man. The point is we have a Dating Game’s worth of elligble bachelors and the film tries to sell a plank of wood who clearly wants to bang Preeta’s dad more than he wants a genuine equal relationship with Preeta.

So that dosen’t help the final act.. which is started with something REALLY weird to round off tom and jerry’s day as Tom catches a ball, interupts a play and get.s. thrown in the pound for it?

I don’t know how tha’ts a crime, I don’t get it either, point is the animal control guy is a creep who shows them off as they pass some angry dogs.. and..

MY BOY. There was an earlier joke with him taking the place of The Joker, and I thought that was it sadly but nope there he is! While, given they don’t really have much to do with each other, it is a tad weird he’s been grafted onto the tom and jerry legacy.. I really don’t care because it means Droopy gets to show up every so often in other stuff like this.. And hopefully the spinoff series coming in the summer. I”ve talked before about how much I love this dog so having him show up here was a HUGE delight and easily the higlihgt of the film and the gag is perfect. WHy is he in prison? I don’t know. But given who we’re dealing with I also assume he just disappeared later and showed up at the Wolf’s place again to get the evidence to clear his name and to help a young brodway hopeful played by Peyton R LIst get to her audition in time. And yes I just imagined another live action film with a classic character.. but admit it you’d rather be watching that one. They also run into butch who tries to force him to eat Jerry or they’ll kill him.

Terence saw the arrest on the tv though, so he bails the two out, pits them against each other, and sets them loose at the wedding. This goes how you’d expect. the two cause chaos and thanks to Weekend UpDumbass there’s pecocks, tigers and elephants, and Jerry naturally spooks the elephants, Spike, who has it in for tom as usual, goes after tom the tiger goes after him and the wedding is destroyed. Preeta breaks up with Ben and leaves, and Kayla is fired.

Less good is that Tom gets thrown out because Terrance backed out on his deal because he’s a fucking asshole. So while Kayla gripes to her sorta loveintrest bartender man, and wishes she could fix things, T and J show up, both realizing it’s their fault and both with a plan to fix things leading to our climax. Kayla goes back to the hotel, and while Terrance tries to boject she rightfully blackmails him. Sadly neither get their commupance and while Mustache Manager puts two and two together, he’s all for ending this PR Nightmare and helping with Kayla’s plan to get ben to stage a wedding in central park that Preeta actually wants while our two actual heroes go to stop her and do some light kidnapping of toodles to get Preeta to stop.

So it ends how you’d expect: Preeta makes a huge mistake, seriously Droopy go to their honemoon I guarantee Ben will wonder off into the ocean because he thought it looked sick bro, Kayla gets her job back and in a move that makes her almost tolerable hires the woman she stole from who Terrance clearly wants to bang, and Tom actually catches Toot’s eye, but then Jerry mucks it up because cockblocking tom has been his job since the 40′s, they fight, Kayla tells them to cut it out, they put an the end thing over it. Roll credits.

As you could tell I had issues with this film and had more the more I thought about it. So it’s not very good.. but I still recommend watching it if you have Max right now. Yes really. While the human parts are pretty awful as you could tell, you can have some fun mocking them, and it’s worth suffering through them for the bits with our boys, as those bits are geneuinely energetic, fun and what you came for. If you like tom and Jerry, you probably won’t like this movie.. but you’ll enjoy those bits. Hopefully if there’s a sequel, and this film was a suprise hit so their probably will be, they’ll learn their lesson from this one and focus less on the humans and more on the hyjinks but overall this is just a medicore waste of some really great technology and slapstick. This is just one huge ball of dispaointment instead of cartoon violence and i’m sorry it ended this way. If you liked this review, you can follow me on my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. Even 1 dollar a month helps and my next stretch goal nets a Darkwing Duck episode a month, so if that excites you, please sign up. And if you can’t afford to that’s fine and feel free to stick around anyway. Times are hard and I get that. And I will see you at the next rainbow.

#tom and jerry #tom and jerry 2021 #tom and jerry movie #tom and jerry the movie #tom cat #jerry mouse #droopy #toodles #spike #micheal pena #chloe grace moretz #kim jeong #colin jost #hbo max #mgm #warner brothers

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a-walkingoxymoron · 4 years

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Genre: Angsty with a fluff ending

Word count: 2.4k

A/N: I rise from the dead to post something for our boy Bammie. This was obviously rushed and unedited lmao. Hope you enjoy still!! Happy Birthday Bambam!

You thought you were over him.

No, scratch that.

You were sure you were over him. You haven't thought of him for months, the simplest of things didn't remind you of him anymore, you could do and try things that didn't make you think 'he'd surely like this' before becoming despondent for the remainder of the day.

You were over him. Supposed to be over him.

And yet, here you were, laying on your bed and staring at the ceiling as you felt the familiar sting of tears forming behind your eyes as everything came crashing down on you.

You missed him, every fiber of your being missed him. His cheeky grin, his jokes, how he never passes an opportunity to make a double entendre should the chance arise, his harmless pranks, his eyes that bore his sole, his mood swings - god you can have all day and you still wouldn't be able to finish listing out what you miss about him. Because you miss every fucking thing about him.

Your depressing line of thoughts were disrupted by the vibration of your phone, notifying you of a text message. The very same phone who's at fault as to why you're having a breakdown literally a minute just after you woke up.

…Maybe that wasn't fair to say to an inanimate object. After all, it was ultimately your fault for forgetting to delete it.

Still, looking at your phone to check if you woke up too late only to see the words 'Bambam's birthday!!! ♡' on your notification wasn't exactly the wake up call you wanted to have.

Not when you two were over.

Choosing to ignore it, you turned off your phone, pushing it aside. It was probably from work - you'll handle it later. You'll just call in sick. Might as well since you felt sick. How can someone who you haven't seen in 8 whole months still have this kind of effect on you?

You closed your eyes, a tear or two slipping down as you forced yourself back to sleep. Maybe you'd feel better after, maybe the emotions wouldn't be as raw as it felt now and would be easier to manage with later. But most of all you just want to stop feeling for a moment.

♤♡◇♧

It was noon by the time you woke up. While how you felt didn't improve like you hope it would, you did finally begrudgingly accept that perhaps you still have lingering feelings for your ex. For Bambam.

Your body felt heavy and sluggish as you hauled your ass off of bed, hoping you'd be able to do something productive while at home - it was the most you can make yourself do for missing a work day because of something so painfully pathetic.

The first thing you did was to inform and apologize to your office for missing work out of the blue, claiming it was because of a rather nasty case of stomach flu since you figured they wouldn't appreciate it if you told them it was because you suddenly missed your ex.

Next was to make a decent meal for yourself. Or maybe just order take out. Anything as long as you feed yourself.

Then… then everything was a blur after.

For some masochistic reason, you ordered Tom Yum Goong, Bambam's favourite food. You weren't quite sure what had come over you when you did.

Maybe it was an act of defiance - denial that you didn't miss him as much as you felt. Maybe you really were craving Thai food.

Whatever it was, it just made your state worse. It was when the blur started.

You ate the food in silence, punctuated only by sniffs either from bursting out randomly into tears or because of the spiciness of what you were consuming. Then came the junk food and binging of romantic dramas, tears streaming on and off in random intervals as you went through your whole pantry of guilty pleasures in order to bury the thoughts about Bambam. Thoughts of him that attempted to penetrate your mind over and over, relentless like a storm.

Next thing you knew it was 6pm, your life felt like it had spiraled out of control in the mere span of hours, you didn't even do anything remotely productive like you hoped you would apart from constantly re-hydrating yourself - no thanks to the tears that won't stop spilling for good. You have resigned yourself to grief, not bothering anymore. Everyone breaks down once in a while, you told yourself. It's just one of those days.

But tomorrow… tomorrow, you'll be better.

Knock knock.

You paused your show and whipped your head back to the direction of your door which was to the right of the couch you're curled up on.

There was a tap, wasn't there? Someone knocked, right? It was the sound knuckles rapping softly on your door, soft enough that the noise of the television almost drowned it but you heard it. Or had you been imagining things?

You counted a whole five seconds before your impatience got the best of you. Apprehensive as you were, the door tugged at you - calling you to open it. Ridiculous at it seemed, you know you'd come to regret it if you don't act upon it. Before you can stop yourself, your body moves on it's own, approaching the door. Another wave of hesitation crashed on you but you ignored it, reaching for the doorknob. Inhaling a deep breath to ready yourself, you swung the door open before you lost courage altogether.

There, behind the door, stood the person that has been entering your thoughts without permission. The person who was to be blamed on why you wasted an entire day crying on and off like a deranged person. It was a miracle you didn’t break down in tears right then and there. The world couldn’t be that cruel, right? Either it was or you were hallucinating big time.

Your chest tightened at the sight of him, memories flooding back with intensity that was tenfold of what you’ve been going through the whole day. Flashbacks of the past that were filled with happiness if not bittersweet ones - memories that made you wonder what happened to you two. Why weren’t you together anymore? You can’t even remember what you two last fought about that became the undoing of your relationship. There were shouting and crying, that much you recall, but what had sparked it eluded you like you were the plague.

Eyes wide, jaw agape, you stared at him. Bambam looked just as surprised to see you as he mirrored your expression. Bambam who donned his usual fashionable clothes but lacked the confidence he so often exuded. No, he looked dejected and unsure by your doorstep, falling in a silent stupor from seeing you. He didn’t seem drunk but his eyes were wild, anxious - attempting to look at anywhere but you yet failing miserably.

It was he who first broke the heavy, awkward, shock-shelled silence that engulfed you both with a voice that was hoarse and a timorous tone that didn’t fit his image.

“Y-you weren’t supposed to be here.” It was evident that it took a herculean effort to utter those words.

Your astonishment was replaced with perplexity at his words, brows furrowing in an unsure frown. Why did he seem so surprised at seeing you in your apartment?

“Where would I be?” You asked, inwardly surprised that your voice sounded steady and whole.

Bambam ran a hand through his hair in exasperation that wasn’t quite directed at her but more at himself, effectively giving him an unkempt hairstyle that undeniably looked good on him. “No I mean - you shouldn’t be home from work yet, usually. Right? I mean back then -” His babbling seized when he got a proper look at you. You in all of your disheveled, tear streaked face glory.

His gaze softens with worry then, making a tentative step toward you. “What happened? What’s wrong?” His voice was almost like a whisper - low, soothing and hypnotizing that it made you want to run back to his arms and bury yourself against his chest like you often did when you were still together.

Still you stayed strong, ignoring his queries as you shot him back with your own question. “Why are you here, Bam?” You shuddered at how foreign his name now sounded from your lips.

Reluctance flooded Bambam’s features again, unsure how to answer. You decide to press more when he still didn’t respond after a minute. “It’s your birthday. Shouldn’t you be out with the boys?”

“I am - I mean, I was. But - “ He paused again in a way that was slowly grating your patience.

“But what?” You encourage, trying hard not to sound irate. Bambam bit down on his full lower lip in thought, weighing out his options on how to proceed. Then, he locked gazes with you, resignation crossing his features before a wistful smile graced his lips.

“But I miss you.”

You froze. He what?

Now that he admitted it outloud, the action opened a floodgate of confession that was just itching to spill given the right amount of push.

“I miss you everyday but today was the worst. I went out with the boys, like usual. It was great, they had this whole party for me but you weren’t there.” A laugh escaped his lips but there wasn’t any humor behind it. “I can’t believe my birthday was the one that made me realize just how much I miss you. Not Christmas, not New years, not even Valentines.”

Then he looked at you with so much earnestness that you almost forgot how to breathe. But it was what he said next that dealt the final blow.

“Why aren’t we together again? Why did we break up, love? I thought we were happy?” His eyes turned dewy, making yours water as well in response.

“We were,” You breathed out. “We were happy.”

“Then why? I can’t even remember what we fought about.” There was a tinge of guilt in his voice but that didn’t matter because you couldn’t either. The topic of the argument was apparently so trivial that both of you couldn’t even recall. But you did remember what transpired just minutes before the argument ended. Through hot tears you remember his panicked and pained expression as you screamed in frustration at him - that you didn’t want to see him - before walking out indefinitely from his apartment where you once stayed. And -

“You didn’t chase me.” You whispered finally, choking out the words as you tried to fight down the sobs you felt coming. “You didn’t ask me to stay.”

Bambam looked at you, eyes wide and confused. “What?”

“You didn’t chase me -” You repeated, “I walked out and you didn’t chase me or tried contacting me after.” You could feel your voice cracking as you go but you pressed on, determined. If this would be the last time you can talk to him before you went on with separate paths again then you might as well say everything you had to say.

“I mean, I know I told you that I didn’t want to see you again and honestly I couldn’t find any courage to face you again after that.” Tears were now streaming down your cheeks for the umpteenth time of the day and you did little to wipe it away, wanting to get this over with. “So when I also didn’t hear from you, I figured you were done with me. I don’t blame you - I mean, how could I when I was the one who -”

You stopped when you heard footsteps incoming from the stairs of the building. It seemed Bambam heard it too and ushered you inside, entering as well, before closing the door behind him. He then turned to you, his eyes full of understanding.

He cupped your cheeks and gently wiped your tears away, “Oh no. Baby, no, I wasn’t done with you. I thought you were done with me."

You leaned into his touch, unable to pull away. "I know, I'm sorry Bammie." It was pathetic to think how your break up was ultimately because of a misunderstanding because of your outburst. But it was and you can't take it back anymore.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." You mumbled continuously like a mantra. Bambam shushed you, pulling you finally into his embrace, rubbing comforting circles on you back as he held you close while your body writhed with sobs you couldn't contain anymore.

You two stayed in the position for a few minutes, enjoying it more than you cared to admit before he finally pulled away much to your dismay.

Bambam straightened your hair a little before placing both of his hands on either shoulder, looking you in the eye. "Is it too late?"

You blinked owlishly, confused. "Too late for what?"

"To ask you to stay. Will you refuse if I ask you now?" You opened your lips to protest, to ask if he was joking. But the sincere look in his eyes washed any doubts that threatened to bubble.

You've fantasized about this for the first few days you walked out, and now, 8 months later, he's finally here asking you. You already let him out of your grasp the first time - you weren't going to make the same mistake again.

"Are you sure?" You managed to ask, not wanting to seem eager and accept immediately.

A chuckle. A chuckle that you had missed so much it warmed you. "Are you kidding? Of course I'm sure."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"Are you?"

He whined, pouting. "I'm sure, babe! Would I be here if I weren't? I already planned to ask you back even if you didn't tell me all of that."

You purse your lips as if thinking about it before nodding. "All right."

A wide grin graced his handsome face before going down in one knee as if proposing. "Then, will you please do me the honor of moving in again with me and staying this time?”

You mirrored his grin, pulling him up as you nodded. “Yes!”

Bambam leaned in to kiss you, pressing his lips softly against yours like he did so many times before. His arms wrapped around your waist, tugging you closer to him. “I love you.” He mumbled against your lips before pulling away with a grin.

“I love you, too.” You told him as you hooked your arms around his neck, a goofy smile on your lips. “Happy birthday, Bammie. I’m sorry I don’t have a present.”

He scoffed. “You’re the best present there is, babe.”

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sage-nebula · 5 years

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I binged season two of Aggretsuko over the span of a couple days, and thought of course I really enjoyed it (though I think I might have enjoyed the first season a tiny bit more), I at first didn’t have too much to say about it. However, the popular topic at the moment seems to be Tadano and his treatment of Retsuko, and I wanted to post my thoughts since I can’t really bring myself to agree with either of the popular takes at the moment, mostly because I feel they’re both too extreme on either side of the divide. In other words, I don’t see Tadano as completely innocent and incapable of manipulation, but I also don’t see him as a malicious and definitively abusive partner to Retsuko, either.

Further analysis beneath the cut.

As noted above, the two popular takes I’ve seen regarding Tadano have been:

Tadano only wanted what was best for Retsuko and he never did anything to compromise that (usually served with a side of blaming Retsuko for not speaking up sooner) or

Tadano was manipulative, creepy, and borderline abusive and it’s good Retsuko got out of there when she did

While these are the two most popular takes that I’ve seen, the truth is, in my opinion, a blend of the two. Tadano did have some manipulative behaviors (particularly with one line in particular, which I’ll get to in a moment), but I don’t believe that his manipulation was entirely conscious, nor do I think it came from a place of malice. Instead, I think it came from a place of desperate loneliness, and the desire to keep the happy little bubble that he and Retsuko had going in tact for as long as possible.

Tadano is an interesting character not for his political views or for the fact that he’s a love interest, but rather because he truly is as much a failure (harsh though that word may be) as he is a success. Retsuko and the audience learn through the course of the season that Tadano is, in fact, not unemployed, nor is he poor; instead, he’s a very wealthy tech visionary who is revolutionizing the world of artificial intelligence, and has aspirations to overturn the economic system as we know it. But although Tadano is (at least thus far) a successful businessman in his field, he is also living out of his limousine . . . and is completely alone.

At no point throughout the series do we see Tadano have a meaningful connection with another character, apart from perhaps ENI-O, which is an A.I. that Tadano himself invented. He has a driver, but he and the driver barely talk; the driver spends most of his time playing a game in the front seat, while Tadano sleeps in the back. ENI-O monitors Tadano’s health and keeps track of his appointments (/makes the appointments), but it doesn’t really seem to have a personality despite being an artificial intelligence, and isn’t really one for conversation. Tadano doesn’t have any other business partners; he didn’t choose Retsuko’s company himself and as such doesn’t have any connections there; and the fact that it’s ENI-O that he’s returning “home” to after the breakup (in contrast to Retsuko) speaks volumes about who he has in his life. Retsuko cries to Gori and Washimi after the breakup. Tadano . . . just has his A.I. It doesn’t seem like he has any friends or family to return to after the breakup.

So, enter Retsuko. Tadano instantly jumps at the chance to talk to her at the driving school because he noticed that she was about his age. Note that this is something that Retsuko had noticed about him as well, but it wasn’t enough to prompt her to approach him, possibly because she has others (e.g. Gori, Washimi, Fenneko, Haida) in her life that she can talk to. But for Tadano, who seems pretty isolated and alone, seeing another adult at the driving school (someone his age who also didn’t have what is considered a basic skill for those their age) was exciting enough to strike up a conversation. He starts calling her by a familiar nickname (“Re-chan” / “Retsy”), even though in Japanese such a thing is usually reserved for close friends. Retsuko doesn’t call him on this (though it would have been perfectly acceptable for her to), which is fine, but the more important point here is that making acquaintances (because they weren’t even friends yet, really!) with Retsuko at the driving school was enough for Tadano to feel like she was enough of a friend that he wanted to use a friendly nickname with her. One could argue that perhaps he’s just a nickname-y guy, but at the moment we can’t really make that argument because we don’t see him use nicknames for anyone else . . . because we don’t see him interact with anyone else in a friendly manner. For all that people claim that Haida’s character was reduced to pining over Retsuko, it’s worth it to note that Haida still maintained past relationships (e.g. with Fenneko) in this series, and forged new ones as well (e.g. Anai, Gori, Washimi). Tadano, on the other hand, was completely isolated apart from how he latched onto Retsuko pretty much immediately, going so far as to leap out of his limo in the middle of a traffic jam to run up to and strike up conversation with her when he saw her on the sidewalk.

So for possibly the first time in his life (or at least the first time in a long while), Tadano has a connection with another person his own age, and it’s someone that he finds likable and fun, at that. She’s interested in spending time with him, just as he’s interested in spending time with her, and so he pursues it . . . as much as he pursues anything else he likes, which is about 50%. Because as Tadano himself says when he explains to Retsuko what he meant when he said he was just “fooling around” with work:

“If you take something you enjoy seriously . . . it becomes a full-time job.”

As a side note, I think this is the real reason Tadano is against the idea of marriage. Everything he says about it being “pointless” and “unnecessary,” while arguably true (my feelings on the subject slide closer to what he said versus what Retsuko would want), is just a logical-sounding excuse to hide the fact that, in reality, Tadano has commitment issues. He doesn’t commit himself fully to ENI-O or the work he does because he doesn’t want his work to feel like work. He enjoys it, and he wants to keep enjoying it, so he treats it like a hobby instead of a job. Similarly, Tadano enjoyed hanging out with Retsuko. He wanted to hang out with her forever. Marrying her would be taking their relationship seriously, which he didn’t want, because in his mind that would make it feel like work (and in a way, it is; relationships do take work to maintain). Therefore, he was against the concept of marriage, even though not budging on that subject cost him the relationship he so cherished.

But that’s a bit off the subject.

Back on subject: Tadano did cherish the time he spent with Retsuko. As he himself told her, he wished that they could stay together (read: hanging out) forever. The thing is, I believe that Tadano meant that in a slightly different way than Retsuko did, and not just with regards to marriage. Retsuko was fine with not spending every moment with Tadano because, again, she had other things going on in her life: She had her job, she had her friends, and she even had her overbearing mother. But although Tadano does have his work with ENI-O, again, he doesn’t have those other people in his life. All he has is Retsuko. And for a guy who has been very lonely for possibly a very long time, suddenly having someone to spend time with like that is probably like finding a warm blanket in a blizzard. Metaphorically speaking, he grabbed Retsuko and never wanted to let her go. Not in a commitment way, mind you---again, he doesn’t want to take the things he enjoys seriously!---but in a “let’s spend every second together” kind of way.

And here’s where the manipulation comes in.

After the article is published and the online harassment starts, Retsuko starts staying in Tadano’s limo (which, remember, is also his home given that, limo or not, the man is literally living in his car because his commitment issues apparently run so deep he can’t even commit to an apartment). Retsuko, of course, is super upset by the turn of events, which is probably why she’s choosing to stay with him, given that being with him at least affords her some comfort (given that she thinks they’re going to get married). As for Tadano . . . of course he doesn’t want Retsuko to be upset, but at the same time it would likely be wrong to say that he’s at all upset by the idea of her staying with him in his limo. In fact, he is probably thrilled. This is why, though he does ask her if she’s all right when she doesn’t respond to the first thing he says, he takes her “oh yes, I’m fine!” as truth, even though her body language clearly says otherwise. Yes, Retsuko could have been more honest . . . but:

It’s somewhat of a cultural thing in Japan to not complain unless the issue is Very Important, because you don’t want to seem a burden;

Retsuko was curled up on the car seat, faced away from him, wrapped in a blanket, not really responding to what he said. It’s pretty obvious she was lying, even without being in her head;

Even if her body language didn’t make it obvious, anyone who knows Retsuko even a bit knows that she tends to bottle things up, even if they don’t know how she eventually lets it all out; Tadano not picking up on that (particularly if it wasn’t him willfully not picking up on it, which I believe it was, even if subconsciously) goes to show how little the two really do know each other at this point.

So whether Retsuko could have been more honest or not, the fact that Tadano didn’t so much as ask “are you sure?” after she said she was fine speaks volumes. Instead, he dismisses her obvious upset as, “That’s Re-chan for you” with a little smile and goes back to work. Now, as I said, whether this is Tadano willfully not picking up on the fact that Retsuko is upset (i.e. he can tell but is choosing not to pursue it) or whether he just honestly doesn’t notice doesn’t change the fact that it makes their relationship look bad. Either he doesn’t know her well enough to tell, or he can tell and would rather not push because this works out in his favor. There is no positive outlook on their relationship here. But while I do not think that Tadano has malicious ulterior motives, I do think he was purposefully ignoring the fact that Retsuko was upset---not because he doesn’t care about her feelings, but because she’s here, with him, for the foreseeable future, and he’d rather like to keep it that way.

And this brings us to the uncomfortable line of dialogue I mentioned at the start of this post, the one that first jumped out at me as a red flag. This line comes from later in the final episode, when Retsuko has missed work for several days and is still staying in Tadano’s limo with him. At the start of the scene, Tadano asks Retsuko if she’s worried about missing work. Retsuko says that she is, a little. And that’s when Tadano says this:

“Don’t force yourself. If you go back now, they will all talk behind your back.”

I’m using the Netflix subtitles here, but while I would need to double-check this with my friend who is fluent in Japanese (particularly because Tadano’s speech is a bit hard for me to parse), but that first sentence sounds less to me like “don’t force yourself” and more like “don’t be” --- as in, “don’t be worried” rather than “take it easy,” if that makes sense. Like Retsuko confirms that she is worried about missing work, and Tadano tells her she shouldn’t be---and then he tells her why.

And it’s how he tells her why that strikes up a red flag for me, though again, I don’t think it’s Tadano being maliciously controlling or possessive.

Tadano tells Retsuko that if she returns to work now, everyone will talk about her behind her back. Setting aside the logical flaws (won’t they be talking about her behind her back right now? wouldn’t they talk about her behind her back if she returned several days from now?), the reason Tadano gives Retsuko about why she shouldn’t be worried about work is not that she dislikes it (that comes up later when he’s pressuring her to quit), but rather that everyone there will talk about her behind her back, i.e., her fellow employees will be against her. Tadano is including Retsuko’s friends, such as Fenneko, Haida, Gori, and Washimi in this. Not specifically---it’s doubtful he even knows their names---but he says they will all, meaning he’s including everyone in her workplace. They’ll all be against her, they’ll all talk about her behind her back, so she should stay there, in the limo, with him. Despite how he told Retsuko to dismiss the internet backlash in just the previous episode because all they had was baseless slander and “the number of flamers is fewer than you think,” here Tadano is making it clear that the gossip will definitely be a problem if Retsuko returns to work now. Therefore, she shouldn’t. Tadano is playing on Retsuko’s anxiety and insecurity to motivate her to not go to work and instead stay there in his limo for him, waiting for him to return whenever he has to go to a business meeting (at her company!), and hanging out with him whenever he doesn’t.

Now, again, as I said before, I don’t think Tadano is doing this maliciously. I don’t think that he’s consciously thinking up ways to manipulate, control, or possess Retsuko. But I do think that by this point in the season, Tadano has become so excited at the idea of hanging out with Retsuko full-time that he’s rushing into it full throttle, using everything he can in order to get her to stay with him. This is shown to us by how he not only suggests to her that she quit her job, but also pushes forward into her space as he suggests it:

Being a visual medium, Aggretsuko uses more than just character dialogue to show us character intention and motivation. The fact that Tadano is so passionate about the idea of Retsuko quitting her job to be with him that he actually gets up from his seat, puts a hand on the car seat next to her, and leans in so that their faces are only a couple inches apart, is meant to show us just how gung-ho he is about this, how he’s throwing everything he has into it, as much or perhaps more than he ever does. Even though Tadano is usually pretty laid back (illustrated by how I believe this is the first and perhaps only time he pushes into Retsuko’s space like this), he isn’t laid back, not about this. And make no mistake, although he tells Retsuko that she can start her own business or do whatever she wants to do, he also doesn’t let his true motivations go unspoken in this scene:

Not via marriage, mind you, because that’s taking it seriously, and taking it seriously means work. But still, if Retsuko never has to go to work, and if she lives in his limo, then they can hang out and be together all the time. It’s the ideal solution in Tadano’s mind. It would make him super happy, and Retsuko says she’s happy (and is smiling, even if forced), and he can go along with and believe that, so everything will be better and their future will be “so much better.” If Tadano doesn’t take their relationship too seriously, then he doesn’t have to think too hard about whether Retsuko is being honest with her smiles or not. If Tadano doesn’t take their relationship too seriously, they can stay as they have been. It can be fun hangout times forever. That’s what he wants, and at this point he’s willing to say or do what he has to in order to keep it . . .

. . . but as we all know, it doesn’t work out.

I think that Tadano’s desperation really shone through during the scene in the karaoke room, in the build-up to Retsuko’s song. Before she turns on the music, he doesn’t give her a chance to respond to one excuse before he throws out another: Marriage isn’t essential to their relationship, marriage doesn’t guarantee eternal love, social status is an empty expression, marriage isn’t part of the future he’s laying out, and she should think about whether marriage is really that important. Once Retsuko says that it is important to her, and the music starts, Tadano becomes even more desperate, his voice rising, his speech becoming faster, his expressions becoming more wild as they finally start to have a back and forth dialogue:

Tadano: “It’s fine as long as we’re together!” Retsuko: “No, it’s not.” Tadano: “Don’t you trust me?!” Retsuko: “I do.” Tadano: “Then why . . . ?!” Retsuko: “I want to marry you, Tadano-kun.” Tadano: “Marriage is an illusion!” Retsuko: “I . . . want that illusion.”

That first line is Tadano expressing what it is that he truly wants: He just wants them to stay together, forever---not married, not committed and serious like that, but together. When Retsuko says that it’s not fine so long as they’re together, Tadano assumes that she must be worried about him cheating (and in his mind, likely thinks marriage would prevent that), hence the “don’t you trust me?” line, which she again rebukes. By the time he gets to “marriage is an illusion,” he looks truly upset---but that’s also when Retsuko’s song starts, and there isn’t much more to say after that, as he finally gets the message.

The fact that Tadano does get the message and leaves, alone, after their breakup speaks to what kind of person he is. If he were truly controlling and possessive, I think that he would have said or done anything---even lying about marriage, perhaps even going through with it if that’s what it took to keep Retsuko---in order to prevent her breaking up with him. But once he realized that Retsuko could not and would not be happy hanging out with him forever (and perhaps that not even he could pull the wool over his own eyes enough to make himself believe she was, especially if she wasn’t going to fake it anymore) he let her go. Tadano isn’t a cruel person. He’s not an abusive person. And I don’t think that he’s intentionally, or maliciously, a manipulative person. However . . .

I think that, at the end of the day, Tadano is a very lonely person who, perhaps, does not have a lot of experience with relationships, even platonically. I think it’s entirely possible, perhaps even likely, that he didn’t really have romantic feelings for Retsuko, or at least not in the same way that she did for him. Retsuko was looking for a boyfriend, but I think that at the end of the day, what Tadano really wanted was a friend---a best friend, even. He was fine with being Retsuko’s boyfriend if it meant they could get ramen together and hang out in his limo. He wasn’t interestd in the whole romance aspect of it as much as he was interested in the companionship and friendship. The thing is, Retsuko has friends and companions, and so she wants a different kind of relationship---one that Tadano, quite honestly, is probably not ready to provide.

I think what Tadano needs, before he can pursue a romance like this, is just . . . more friends, honestly. More experience in social circles that aren’t about promoting his software. Someone to talk to who isn’t an A.I. that he created. I think that friendship with Retsuko was good for that reason, but I think both of them approached the relationship from very different places, they didn’t know each other very well at all (Retsuko was jumping the gun with the whole marriage thing, but I think in her mind she just wanted marriage to be a someday thing, not a right-then-and-there thing, and it was just poorly explained), and as such they couldn’t quite be what the other needed. (Well, it’s not healthy to keep a friend full time in your limo either, but that’s why Tadano needs multiple friends that he can interact with regularly, not just the one. Also maybe an apartment. That limo is nice, but I don’t believe it has a shower. Seriously, get over your commitment issues enough to at least get an apartment, Tadano, please.) I think at this stage it’s too early for them to be Just Friends, because they’re both pretty hurt by the breakup, but perhaps someday, once they’ve both moved on, they can get there. And then Retsuko can properly introduce Tadano to her friends, and perhaps they can become his friends, too.

But in the meantime, what I leave you all with is this:

Tadano is not a malicious, abusive person. However, I think that his social isolation and probable lack of relationship experience of all kinds has left him unequipped to deal with a romantic relationship in a healthy and balanced way at the moment. For all that Retsuko was jumping the gun with marriage, Tadano latched onto her arguably more quickly. Tadano was manipulative toward Retsuko near the end, though it again was not out of malice (and was more out of tunnel vision on his own ideals and desires, and willful ignorance toward Retsuko’s feelings), and that is not okay no matter the reason or intention, but I think that since he’s not a malicious person by nature, he could learn how to better handle relationships with more (platonic) experience, which would leave him better equipped to try romance again with someone else in the future should he so choose.

TL;DR:

Tadano is not a monster, but he’s not an angel, either. He’s flawed, like pretty much every other character in the series, and I hope for his sake that he masters at least some of the commitment issues soon, and gets some non-A.I. friends in his life, because goddamn, he needs them.

#aggretsuko #tadano #aggretsuko tadano #aggretsuko spoilers #meta #i can't believe i wrote this much about a pastel donkey but here we are

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7-wonders · 5 years

Text

Sacrificial Lambs

Summary: What you thought was just going to be an event to meet the members of Michael’s Satanic church turns into a ritual sacrifice, followed by your unofficial ‘dark’ baptism. As any normal person, you don’t take the murders of two innocent people well.

Word Count: 2745

Author’s Note/Warnings: Warnings first! Sacrifice, murder, blood, knives, Satanism, and I think that’s it? This one is really dark, and it’s pretty angsty. I’m really not good at ending stories, so the ending might be kind of shitty but it’s chill. I literally got this idea, couldn’t stop thinking about it and binge-wrote it in a span of two hours, so it might be a little rough. Story will be under a cut since there’s so many potential triggers. Requests are OPEN and feedback is always appreciated!

The church is silent, save for a few whispers from the congregation as they find their seats. You look out across the sea of black and red, heavy cloaks swishing along the concrete floor. You feel like you’re intruding on a sacred part of these people’s lives, which you guess you kind of are. Although you’ve been ‘involved’ with the Antichrist for months now, having found him weak and dehydrated in the middle of the sidewalk, this is the first time you’ve seen him in his element and surrounded by his people. You were wary of coming when he asked you, but he explained that this is a special occasion and his father had specifically requested that you come along. Seeing as how you can barely say ‘no’ to door-to-door salesmen, there’s really no way you could have turned down a request from Satan himself.

Standing on top of the raised pulpit, the situation almost reminds you of some extremely weird, Satanic wedding. You’re waiting for Michael to make his grand entrance, feeling entirely out of place standing in front of all of these devoted believers. You haven’t even sold your soul, Michael assuring you that you wouldn’t have to; your soul (figuratively) belonged to him, just as his belonged to you. With the way that they’re all staring at you, it feels a lot like they just know that you don’t belong here.

When the large doors swing open, the believers stand right away. Michael easily commands the room as he makes his way forward through the crowd. His own cloak is fastened by a silver pentagram, one that you had helped him with before you arrived. A hint of a reassuring smile appears on his face when he sees you, quickly morphing back into a stone cold facade after he’s sure that you got his little message. When he reaches the pulpit, he brushes his hand against yours, assuming his spot in the center of it all.

Eyes are drawn to him easily like moths drawn to a flame, his ability to control large crowds with just his presence one of his many gifts. With one last glance back to you, he decides that he’s kept his followers waiting long enough.

“Thank you all for making it here tonight. As I’m sure you’re aware, tonight is a very special occassion. My father has spoken to me, telling me what he requires of me.” The room is silent as Michael holds a pause, hiding a smirk at their eager eyes. “Sacrifice, my dear believers, is the foundation on which Satan will bring about the end of days.”

Your blood runs cold and your ears start to ring as the followers cheer wildly. Michael basks in their enjoyment of his proclamation, but you can’t help but to be alarmed. On some level, you know that the ‘sacrifice’ is going to be people, but you’re really hoping it’s just a pretty meta way to ask for donations. When the crowd starts jeering at you, you realize that they think you’re the sacrifice, an unwilling lamb led straight to slaughter.

Am I the sacrifice? You think uneasily, suddenly regretting every decision that’s led you to this point. Have I really been so stupid?

Michael senses your sudden fear and quiets the audience. “Now, I’m sure you’re all very eager for the sacrifice to commence, but first…” He holds out a hand for you, which you tentatively grasp. Guiding you to stand next to him, he gives your hand a quick squeeze of affection. “This is (Y/N). My father guided me to find her; my equal, the one to help me fulfill his plans. My Lilith.” He says proudly, eyes sparkling.

It’s very sweet that Michael is showing his devotion to you in front of the church, but you still can’t get over the whole sacrifice thing. Your stomach is churning right now, a combination of love for Michael, fear of what’s going to happen next, and anxiety over standing in front of a large crowd.

“Tonight, as per my father’s instructions, (Y/N) will be baptized in Satan’s name, using the blood of those killed with my own hand.” It feels like you’re going to faint, the voices echoing through the room sounding like you’re hearing them from underwater. The ‘chapel’ spins around you as you try to get enough air and digest what’s happening. None of this was in the plan. You thought that tonight was just going to be some sort of a meet-and-greet, not being doused in the blood of an innocent person in order to fulfill Satan’s wishes.

Two people are led out from a back room, a man and a woman clad only in their undergarments. They’re shaking as much as you, their mouths covered with duct tape and their hands restrained behind their backs. You should help to free them, try and make an escape into the cool night, but you know what Michael’s capable of doing when he doesn’t get his way. He starts to explain their so-called ‘sins’ to the ravenous group. The man is a part of Doctors Without Borders, the woman a humanitarian. The fact that these selfless acts are seen as transgressions of the highest kind has your knees shaking even more. You volunteer often, whether it be at the library or an animal shelter. Had it not been for a chance meeting, would this have been your fate? Your punishment for choosing to help those in need?

When the knife with the intricate handle is passed through both necks in one quick slice, the Satanists fall silent, so in ecstasy at witnessing this sacrifice that they can make no sounds. What starts as a slow trickle of blood soon turns into a fountain, pints of blood being released with each desperate beat of their hearts. Before now, you hadn’t been aware that slit throats could spatter blood so far. With the blood that covers you more and more with each passing second, that assumption has quickly been proven wrong. Your once-beautiful satin lilac dress is now stained dark red. There’s blood all over your face and neck, quickly congealing into a sticky paste. It’s disgusting, and if you weren’t currently frozen like a deer in headlights you’re sure you would be retching.

Once Michael’s satisfied that both have been thoroughly drained of life, he carelessly tosses the bodies to the side. They fall against one another in a heap, skin already paling from lack of blood. You can’t tear your eyes away from the woman’s, her wide-open eyes still showing the last remnants of fear she felt while on Earth. The man you love stands in front of you, the murders he’s just committed giving his skin an ethereal glow. His hands are dripping in the dark blood and he brings a finger up to his mouth, sucking the liquid off with a salacious moan. He beckons you towards him with a carnal grin. You’re not sure if you move of your own will or if he compels you, but you eventually find yourself on your knees.

It’s a position you’re not unfamiliar with, but you’ve never been in this particular situation before. Your hands rest on your lap as you lean back on your heels, staring up at Michael. Every primal part of your being is screaming at you to run, to get out while you still can and escape the carnage, but something else has you entranced with the man above you. His eyes are blown wide, a mixture of enjoyment and lust causing them to dilate so much. He leans down slightly, swiping a long finger through the pool of blood gathering on the floor. His lips move with a question, but your brain doesn’t decode what he says. You nod anyways, hoping to get this over with fast.

Michael’s finger come up and you flinch slightly. It’s not enough to make him stop fully, but he does pause momentarily. He continues speaking, words that you’re not able to hear but that have the congregation enraptured. You squeeze your eyes shut as he paints something on your forehead. You don’t know if it’s a sigil, an upside-down cross, a pentagram, or just a random squiggle, but the odd warmth of the blood has you choking back a gag. When you open your eyes, you see a flash of something demonic. Michael’s beautiful, sun-kissed face is now ghostly white with cracks marring the flesh. His eyes are completely black and soulless, not at all the eyes that you’ve fallen in love with. It’s over in a split second, but it’s enough to have you blacking out, falling back onto the ever-growing pile of bodies.

You come to seconds later, but by then Michael already has transmutated you home. Your cozy little apartment is in stark contrast to the gothic architecture of the Satanic Church you were just in, which has your head reeling. Michael’s face is back to normal, and he’s softly smiling at you.

“Hey, sorry about that. I know, it’s a little intense for most people.” Your ears are still ringing, but you can at least hear what he’s saying now.

“Y-y-you killed them?” You whisper, voice bubbling up past the blockage in your throat. Michael’s eyebrows wrinkle in confusion.

“Yes. It was a ritual sacrifice. It’s just business, (Y/N), they would have died anyways.” Your eyes travel down your own body, inspecting the dried blood that cakes your arms and upper torso.

“Are you g-g-gonna kill me too?” You ask, eyes wet with tears. Michael suddenly picks up on the shakes that are wracking your body. Although he’s never been around people who are terrified of murder, he’s still aware that most ‘normal’ people react in this way, going into a state of shock after witnessing someone’s life being torn away from them.

“My love, why would I ever kill you?” He asks you earnestly, taking your hands in his in an attempt to stop the shaking.

“Because I like to-to volunteer, I’m just like the people whose blood is on m-me.” Your brain finally catches up to your eyes, and you fully realize that there’s blood all over you. “Oh god, Michael get it off of me. Get it off, get it off, get it off!” Your voice raises to a shrill shriek as you stand, clawing at your own skin desperately. Your back is being wracked with sobs when Michael wraps his arms around you.

“Shh, it’s okay, we’re going to get you cleaned up.” He has to drag you towards the bathroom, your limbs locked with fear while you try to process everything. Michael leaves you sitting on the closed toilet while he gets the shower running. When he’s satisfied with the temperature of the water he pulls you up.

“Arms up.” He commands softly, helping you to strip out of your ruined dress and undergarments. Michael feels a moment of shame at the rush of arousal that floods him when he sees your naked body covered in blood, the fuckboy demon in him, the one that gets off on blood and destruction and carnage, apparently skirts around the fact that you’re violently shaking in fear. He rids himself of his own bloody clothes, watching with concern as you stare in the mirror.

Your fingers are tracing the pentagram that’s drawn on your forehead. The blood had dripped down the bridge of your nose, reminding you of the fake blood everybody uses during Halloween. Michael gently touches your shoulder, noticing the way you shy away from him.

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.” You’re numbly led into the shower, needing to prop yourself against the wall as your conscious self escapes to another world, desperate to compartmentalize and quickly deal with what happened so you can get on with your life.

Michael’s surprisingly gentle with you, removing the shower head so that he can properly run the water over your body. The drain below you swirls with the red-tinted water, and you watch quietly as the blood flakes off of your body. He does everything for you; washes your hair with the coconut-scented shampoo he absolutely loves smelling on you, makes sure there’s absolutely no blood left on you, and wipes your face clean of the sign that had previously been there. He’s far less gentle with himself, preferring to get everything off quickly so that he can devote his care to you.

He wraps you in a fuzzy towel before disappearing into the bedroom, presumably to grab pajamas. You find yourself staring in the mirror again. Even though you’re completely clean, you can still feel the stickiness of the blood like it had just been spilled on you. You jump when Michael appears behind you in the mirror, clothes in his hands.

“It’s okay, it’s just me.” He soothes you, placing your clothes on the counter. “Do you need help?” You shake your head, feeling a little better, and quickly dress yourself. The covers on the bed are already turned down when you make your way into the bedroom, and you allow yourself to fall onto the mattress. Michael settles in beside you, pulling the blankets up over the both of you.

“Michael?” You ask after a few minutes. You had just been laying in silence, listening to Michael hum an unfamiliar tune as he combed your hair out.

“Yes?”

“Did...did I sell my soul on accident?” You ask. Michael places the comb down on the nightstand, settling back against the pillows so he can pull you against him.

“No. Do you remember what happened?”

“I saw what was going on, but I couldn’t hear. At some point during all of that my hearing just cut out, all I could hear was ringing.” Michael frowns slightly, pressing a kiss to your still-wet head.

“It was just something signifying that you’re loyal to me and to my father’s cause. I’m sorry that it ended up like this.”

“Did you know that you were going to sacrifice people tonight? Is that why your father wanted me there?” Michael stills for a moment before nodding.

“Yes. It was meant to be your introduction as my one and only partner to the congregants.”

“Did your father tell you I would react like this?” You question.

“He wasn’t sure what would happen. There were a few different ways this could have gone, so he prepared me for all of the possibilities.”

“I don’t ever want to see you kill people in front of me like that again.” You speak sternly. Michael opens his mouth to argue before closing it and simply nodding. “I’m serious. Don’t you dare say that I’ll get used to it or anything like that, because I won’t. I’m not going to kill people. I’ll support you in everything you need to do as you follow this path, but I will not kill and I will not watch you kill. And if you spring something like this on me again, I won’t hesitate to leave you. I don’t care if we are bonded, I won’t tolerate feeling how I felt tonight.” You lecture. You know you shouldn’t be too harsh with him, but your emotions are running completely haywire right now and you can’t really control yourself.

“I won’t. I’m sorry you had to see that, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Michael apologizes. Michael is not the type of person to apologize, and you had to teach him quite a few manners that his family had neglected when you first found him. Your body’s exhausted, and Michael can tell. “Do you need help falling asleep? I can do a simple sleeping spell.” He offers. You almost decline, having had enough of magic and demons and Satan for the day, but everytime you close your eyes all you can see are the corpses staring back at you.

“Would you, please?” Michael nods, muttering a few words in a language that you don’t understand. Sleep falls on you slowly, like a warm blanket, but when it does it’s hard to resist the call. Michael urges you not to fight it, stroking your hair and calmly whispering to you as your eyes fall heavier. You can’t forgive him for what he did, not yet, and you probably won’t be able to forgive him for a few days. You will, however, still love him no matter what.

#michael langdon #michael langdon imagine #michael langdon imagines #michael langdon x reader #Michael Langdon x you #american horror story #american horror story imagine #American horror story apocalypse #ahs #ahs apocalypse #ahs imagine

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animebw · 6 years

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Binge-Watching: Gintama, Episodes 151-155

Cours seven, begin! In which I ruminate over how much the show’s grown up, a poop joke overstays its welcome, and Kagura is literally everything.

How Far We’ve Come

Three-plus years. Seven OPs. Thirteen EDs. Anyway you slice it, that is a lot of show. Like I talked about last time, Gintama is now so firmly entrenched in its own established world that it can basically sustain itself forever, teasing out as many interesting facets of its world and characters as it so pleases. But there’s another element to Gintama’s longevity that really becomes clear going into its seventh cours: it doesn’t have to prove a goddamn thing anymore. Time and time again, this show has shown itself capable of some of the most spectacular feats of storytelling put to anime, and now, it officially doesn’t owe you anything. It’s completely comfortable jamming to its own tune, assuming that if you stuck it out this far, you’ll be along for whatever ride it chooses to take you on. And it assumes correctly, because, as I’ve talked about at length before, this show is spectacular in every conceivable sense.

Thus, fresh off the climax of its most explosive arc yet and shifting into its final year of this stage of its production, Gintama chooses not to up the stakes yet again, but instead settle into a handful of the most leisurely episodes of its entire run. There’s no big plot stuff happening, the focus is mainly just on our central trio, and the stakes, while treated with the same hilarious intensity as always, are relatively low across the board. A botched dentist job, a rumination on insomnia, a birthday party for everybody’s favorite gender nonconformist (and I swear to god, I live for happy Kyubei a little more every day), and a trip down Hasegawa memory lane. All minor events, none of them Gintama’s best, but that’s fine. No show this expansive can operate at 100% capacity all of the time, so the occasional digression into just being good and fun has to be an acceptable eventuality.

And if nothing else, these episodes really drive home how far the show has come and how secure it’s grown with its internal mythology. From Kyubei’s first appearance as a terrifying, consent-defying abuser, I would never have guessed they’d grow into such a fantastically likable, endearing dork. And Hasegawa has run the gamut of despair since his introduction all the way back in episode 17 as an immigration officer, to the point where he almost feels like a completely different character. But that’s always been the strength of this show; it’s so damn good at character writing that it’s able to bounce its thousand different players in thousands of different directions and always find new and interesting stories to tell with them. As long as that remains true, then Gintama is never going to stop being one of my favorites.

Too Much Poop

That said, while the greater thrust of the show is so self-assured at this point that it’s pretty much impossible to criticize, there’s still value to be found in considering the individual stories themselves and what I take away from them. And unfortunately, upon this occasion, that means I’ve gotta get a little critical once again. The two-episode barbershop story where our old pal the Shogun makes another sudden appearance didn’t really do it for me. Really, it comes back to just how much scatological humor there was in such a short time span. Maybe that’s more of a person preference- poop jokes have never been my thing- but Gintama’s been able to get me to laugh at bodily functions pretty regularly throughout its run regardless. That’s because this show knows not to overstay its welcome with this sort of thing; if there’s a joke about poop or vomit or whatever, not only does it come in at the most unexpected time, making it superbly funny from a “holy shit I didn’t expect that” sort of angle, but that’s usually the only joke of that nature in the entire episode (or, when it’s feeling feisty, sometimes there are two!). I find that moderation is key with toilet humor; too much, and you just end up getting grossed out. And unfortunately, there’s just too dense a volley of that stuff in these episodes. Which is a shame, because the Shogun was one of my favorite one-off characters from way back, and I wish his grand return was of the same quality as that fantastic host club episode. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

Kagura Steals the Show

Thankfully, while that one storyline might not have been to my tastes, there’s still plenty of Gintama goodness to go around these episodes. And once again, I must express my full-throated adulation of Mother Fucking Kagura(tm), who walks away with every single one of these episodes (that she’s in, at least). The blase nature with which she approaches even the most absurd situations, combined with the childlike excitement she expresses when really getting into things, make for an endless supply of this show’s most delightful moments, and I’m glad to see that cours seven isn’t skimping on that. She’s easily the best part of the barbershop episodes; her excitement at plucking her half-digested fish cakes off the Shogun’s face (”Oh, from the ramen I had for lunch. I should’ve digested that.”) had me in stitches. During Kyubei’s birthday, we got a spectacular sequence of sleeping-bag wriggling that is already topping my list as among the most adorable things she’s ever done.

And then there’s the episode where she’s suffering from insomnia, which is one of the most belly-laugh-inducing showcases of her comedic power yet. Her Sam Raimi-esque scary/funny insomnia eyes, her increasingly casual brutality inflicted upon Gintoki, her gradual descent into utter madness as her mind unravels into a rambling tirade on the nature of sleep itself and its bizarre functions (yeah, how do we fall asleep when we’re looking at the backs of our eyelids? Something tells me Mushishi’s answer may not be applicable here.), the comedic timing on her percussive roll into the wall, Rie Kugumiya giving the most unchained performance she’s given yet... fuck me, I was cackling from start to finish. And just in case that wasn’t enough, we’ve also got Maximum Dadtoki(tm) offering to make his daughter a late night snack like the (semi-)responsible parent he is, and I’m gushing about how amazing they are together all over again. Look, at this point, Kagura might legitimately be among my top 10 anime characters ever, she’s that fucking amazing. So I hope you’re ready for 200 more episode of me gushing about her, because that seems like the most likely outcome at this point. Not that I’m complaining, of course.

Odds and Ends

-”Everyone can go bald together!” “What’s that, some sort of Human Instrumentality Project?” ksdjaskdaksjdha

-Holy Christ, you could feel the life leaving their eyes watching Kondo.

=“Okay, I’ll break you down.” KAGURA NO

-So is Kagura just a Bond villain in this Host AU because I am 100% okay with that

-You know, I had no idea a “naruto” was actually a fish cake. That’s gonna make watching Naruto a lot more interesting, I’ll tell you what.

-”Where would you even find a golden retriever?” *barks into the camera* I swear to god

-That story about Jerry the dog was evil on so many levels. Jesus.

-So, I think Tomozaku Sugita officially went insane by the end of the insomnia episode as well. His performance... fuck me, this episode is such a belly laugh.

-kasjdhaskjd they just acknowledged they don’t actually age

-Okay, that French was even worse than the usual anime Engrish. I don’t know how they achieved that, but they did.

-Hell yes, Tojo. I knew I liked this guy- aksjdhasdj he was just using them nevermind

-”Didn’t you have anything better to do?” *music cuts off, serious(tm) shading initiates* “I didn’t.” “I’m sorry.” And I’m dead with laughter.

-”Wait, all my failures were you’re-” “It’s in your imagination.” aksjdhakjsdh

-”Exactly!” I don’t think Gintoki has ever sounded quite as much like Joseph Joestar as he has in this exact moment. God bless Tomokazu Sugita.

W’re really getting close to the end of the season, huh? Well, I look forward to seeing you at the end!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #gintama #sakata gintoki #gintoki sakata #shimura shinpachi #shinpachi shimura #kagura

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acidwaste · 6 years

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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

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dontcallmecarrie · 6 years

Text

Whisper of Every Waking Hour, Pt. 2/2

This is part two, just fyi. Might not make much sense otherwise. [Under the cut because I get very, very rambly.]

Pairing: Steve/Tony

Warnings: same as last time, with my take on Hanahaki disease, unrequited love and angst […dealing with Hanahaki, here. Comes with the package, even if there’s a happy ending to this mess], mention of symptoms of an eating disorder [suspected only, not a thing], and feat. demiromantic Tony with the self-confidence of a toothpick. Plus some profanity, of the ‘fuck my life’ and ‘what the hell’ variety

———

Suffice it was to say, the procedure was successful.

———

Afterwards, Tony felt relief. And an acute case of embarrassment, because seriously? He’d had that bad of a crush on a teammate? On Captain America, of all people? Good thing nobody’d talk, because...wow. Talk about awkward.

Pepper sometimes shoots him a strange look. Rhodey, too. Slightly pitying, even if he’d thought that had stopped years ago, and wow his traitorous heart was still screwing him over in the worst ways, wasn’t it? [Like the palladium hadn’t been enough.]

On the plus side, it seemed like removing...it hadn’t affected their friendship as much as he’d feared. Oh, sure, there was some new awkwardness and misunderstandings, and the team shot him a few strange looks at times, but nowhere near the complete unraveling of a relationship like Tony had originally feared. Nice.

The team’s really meshing now, and getting going, and now that Tony doesn’t need to worry about his heart killing him again it’s so, very easy to start to ease back in. And lower his guard again, because these people have already gotten past it already and what was the harm, now?

So he starts upping the chatter again, starts sticking around more, starts easing off the “board meetings” because he didn’t want the embarrassment of the team finding out of his stupid crush, even if he’d had it taken care of. Or, worse, their pity, and Steve had enough on his plate without learning of something that was in the past, and it’d be super awkward to say ‘hey, so you’re my best friend but I was in love with you for a while’, so nope. Besides.

Things are great, better than ever, even.

———

Tony starts spending more time with the team, again, and hanging out with Steve when the rest of the team’s out. Baseball season’s in full swing, and Tony has a good time needling Steve and in return Steve figuratively drags Tony out of the lab and to whatever restaurant he saw on his run, and experimenting with takeout, and Tony’s happy things are getting back to normal. Sure, sometimes he gets a phantom itch at the back of his throat, but that was psychosomatic, probably. Or pollen, because he’d had his crush removed, there was no way he could have feelings of that sort for Steve again.

The team’s really part of his family now: Natasha can see through more of his masks than he should be comfortable with, and vice versa, Bruce’s...Bruce, enough said, and Clint’s turning out to nerd out over physics more than expected and is in the running for being the one to make Fury snap if Tony doesn’t get there first.

They’re learning about each other, in bits and pieces. Like how Natasha’s abysmal with kids but Clint’s good enough for the both of them, how Thor’s actually a secret troll because he totally knew what he was saying to that reporter, don’t even lie, and Bruce and Tony both have a nonexistent sense of self-preservation in the face of science and someone should check up on them during the 36-hour-mark just in case.

Part of Tony's slightly alarmed at just how much they’re learning about him, actually, but...well, they’re family. Families know about the worst of each other, don't they?

———

It’s another baseball game, when the phantom itch returns. Steve’s luck acts up and he ends up catching the foul ball with his bare hands, and ends up needing to borrow Tony’s pen because they’d been trying to be incognito before the cameras picked up on Iron Man and Captain America being in attendance and a lot of people wanted his autograph. It’s a good game, a fun time all around—the sun is shining, weather’s great for going to Central Park afterwards, and this time it’s Tony cracking a joke that has Steve doubling over laughing, before looking over at him with that smile. Tony’s not sure why part of his chest tenses up, just a little, but shrugs it off as the arc reactor acting up again, and continues bantering.

It was a great day, all around.

Tony’s getting ready for movie night when the coughing fit hits. This time, when he removes his handkerchief, part of him is almost unsurprised to see the small yellow petals dotting its surface. Almost.

[Yellow Tulip: there’s sunshine in your smile]

“That...can’t be right. J, are you seeing this? That can’t—that’s impossible!”

“Searching every database accessible for supplementary data. This is unprecedented.”

“How?! I thought—J, make an appointment with that surgeon’s team, see if we can clear this up. Let Pepper and Rhodey know, too, this is...”

“Consider it done—Sir, the team is expressing the concern that you will be late for the viewing of the film selected. It appears Mr. Barton has won the coin toss, and Jurassic Park will be playing in five minutes.”

Tony leaned back, and bit his lip.

He’d made a point of going to movie night unless he was in the hospital, or on one of the board meetings he’d genuinely needed to attend, so they’d know something was off if he skipped...then again, Hanahaki. [Fuck.] He was probably off-kilter enough that Natasha would see right through him right now.

“Tell them something came up. Emergency thing that needs me stat, maybe an experiment in R&D went wrong or corporate espionage or something, I don’t care. Say I’m sorry, but can’t make it.” He said, and made his way to the roof.

He needed to get out. Didn’t matter where, just...away. Until he was able to figure out just what chinks he had in his armor, at least.

———

Turns out it’s probably the arc reactor, that’s at the root at all this mess. Literally. [Isn’t it always?]

“—so the doctors think the...it, you know,” he gestured vaguely at his chest while talking to a very pale Pepper and Rhodey on camera from the safety of his nigh-abandoned family mansion, “probably has some roots wrapped around the arc reactor somehow. They can’t get rid of every last bit the way the procedure normally does.”

“So it’s happening again? You’re going to have to go through it, again?” Pepper asked, and Tony winced at her tone.

“I’ve already asked about the odds of it resurging. They’re saying that apart from this being unprecedented, my best bet’s trying to move on, and if not...well, it’s not like I can’t I can afford the surgeries.” As long as his body held up to the strain, he didn’t say. [He didn’t need to.]

Rhodey pinched the bridge of his nose. “Tones, I—this is—”

“Literally everything I was trying to avoid? Yes, I know, honeybunch.”

“We’d thought you were safe! That the team had your back, that even if you weren't interested in finding someone you’d be okay and happy. But this?”

Tony couldn’t help the wry quirk of his smile. “I know the odds of my moving on aren’t great, but I'm working on it. And the surgery’s already scheduled for six months, just in case, you’re not losing me that way, you two. My heart can’t hate me that much, can it?”

———

Tony returned to the tower soon afterwards, and proceeded to alarm the team over the span of the next few months. Well—not the entire team, and it varied, but still: the resident chatterbox’s slowly withdrawing into himself was not missed by anyone.

Even when he put up his masks, the team noticed. What’s more, since they knew him now, even if they couldn’t see past his mask they could see just how far it went, and it scared them.

Clint popped in every so often to ask if he was okay, Bruce had quietly patted him on the shoulder and said, “if you ever need help just let me know. The Other Guy, too”, before giving him space, and even if Thor wasn’t always around, he’d still found the time to give Tony a hearty thump on the shoulder and express his support.

Steve, meanwhile, was around more often, dropping in with takeout and coffee if it was early enough, giving him looks of concern when he thought Tony didn’t notice, and the pang of guilt hurt nearly as much as the coughing fit afterwards.

But it’s only Natasha who figures it out.

“Who?” Is all she asks, as she quietly offers him the mug of chamomile after he suppresses the violent itch in his throat because no way was he coughing in public if he could help it, nope [no way he was alarming his family more than he already was].

Tony looks at her, and registers the feigned casualness even as she's holding the same type of tea he only ever drinks alone because he’s trying to be discreet about this entire mess. Then, he pastes on a smile as he enters his lab.

“Does it really matter? Won’t be a problem soon.”

“Because you’re telling them, because you’re getting it out, or...”

“The surgery’s scheduled for this Thursday.” Tony answers after a heavy pause, and the flicker of something in her gaze really shouldn’t have put him on edge the way it was. But he forged onwards, because this was Natasha, sister in all but blood, who was in the same boat as he was since he’d refined the art of masks to the point where not even he knew just where it ended and he began. “How’d you figure it out, anyway?”

“You have this habit of using a handkerchief when you cough, and it’s stained yellow. Now, you’ve been using mouthwash and breath mints, and sometimes you forget to eat, but I don’t think you’re bulimic, since the former are new and you only ever forget to eat during an engineering binge, and even then you usually have something to snack on. Conclusion? It’s from something else.”

Then, she leaned in, took him by the shoulders, and looked him in the eye unyieldingly, as the worry in her voice grew. “It’s Steve, isn’t it.”

Tony was glad it was just the two of them, then. He’d been caught off-guard enough that his mask was jarred, and he hadn’t thought it was possible for a human throat to make the noise Natasha did when she saw the answer in his eyes.

“Tony, you need to tell him!”

“No, I don’t.”

“Tony, you’re worrying everyone, Thor thinks it’s depression even if he doesn’t say it, Bruce can help, and Steve—”

“No! This is my problem, and I’m dealing with it. Steve’s got enough on his plate, he doesn’t need do know.”

“Tony, you’re going in for something you’re never going to be able to undo—”

“Actually, no.” Tony couldn’t help but cut in with a sudden, bitter smile. “Arc reactor. Damn thing’s roots somehow tangled in with it, as far as I can tell. It’ll only grow back if I can’t get over it, which apparently I can’t because I’m some sort of broken mess who can’t even love right, because the first time I fall for someone I can’t even fucking get over them even if it kills me—”

“Tony, you’re not broken.”

To which he was about to reply, “Could’ve fooled me,” if the coughing fit hadn’t hit, and suddenly he can’t keep it in, so Natasha gets an eyeful of bloodstained yellow tulip petals as they stream out of his mouth.

Once he’s done, he doesn’t make eye contact again, just grimaces down at the mess to keep from seeing the pity in her eyes.

Even as he goes through the now-rote motions, however, cleaning it up and incinerating the evidence, Natasha moves to help. Supports him as he stumbles his way to the bathroom, gets the mouthwash out of the counter so he doesn’t have to bend down. Once he’s done, she hands him the now-lukewarm tea, and he downs it without pause, as he heads to his desk.

“Thanks.”

“I still think you should tell him. But...it’s up to you in the end. Just...take care of yourself, Tony.”

And with that, patted him on the arm carefully, then made to head out, but not before giving him a significant look when Steve popped in and brightened when he saw Tony.

“Tony, are you— oh, hi, Natasha.”

“Oh, I was just on my way out. Thanks for the updates on the Bites, Tony. Steve, he’s got that board meeting coming up and a deadline to meet, so now might not be the best time to ask him about that movie.” She said with an easy smile, and Tony smiled and played along, easy as breathing, and tamped down on the surge of warmth and guilt that followed.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been tempted to tell Steve, either, but...then he’d started talking about meeting with Aunt Peggy and her niece, Sharon, and Tony hadn’t been able to get the nerve to broach the subject after hearing the wistfulness in his voice.

———

The procedure went as well as expected.

———

Tony was so damn mortified, after the fact. Again?! He’d fucking fallen for Captain America, again. Great. Just great.

Especially since now it’s also Natasha who’s giving him the same damn looks as Pepper and Rhodey, and oh man she knew, didn’t she? About not just his past crush, but the potential for...oh, great.

“Any tips for what I can do?” Tony found himself asking Rhodey and JARVIS, once. “Because apparently I’m not aro like I thought I was, and apparently I have a type—even if it sounds incredibly awkward to say it out loud, wow.”

Rhodey leaned back with a groan. “Not sure what to tell you, Tones. Other than meet other people, I guess? I mean, it’s not like you can control your heart.”

Tony resisted the urge to scream in frustration. Instead, he settled for a deadpan stare, tacked on a smile, and said, “You don’t say.”

“Sorry, Tones.”

“I mean...that’s just it, right? I need to meet more people? How the fuck am I supposed to do that, when. I need to like someone before—”

“Hey, don’t look at me, man, I’d be a wingman if you needed me, but...”

“I don’t swing that way, because I’m not even if the damn game apparently except for Steve, right. Fuck.”

“Sir, if I may?”

“Yes, J?”

“I do believe Ms. Romanov had expressed a similar interest in assisting you. Shall I contact her?”

“Sure. The more the merrier, apparently. Either that, or misery loves company. Both work.”

———

Natasha had been trying to set Steve up for ages, before she’d found out about Tony’s...problem, as he so put it. Since then, she’d backed off, but now that her help was really being needed, turns out that her job was even harder than she thought.

On a number of levels, even: Tony trusted her to keep his secret even if she burned to let Steve know [because it’d fix everything], the team thought she’d simply shifted her matchmaking efforts instead of it being a matter of life and death, and Tony’s heart just loved to give her a headache, didn’t it.

“Sorry, Nat.” Tony apologized, after a particularly bad first-and-only date.

“What was it this time?”

“She was mean to the waitress, I couldn’t...”

“Got it.” Natasha said as she crossed yet another name off her list.

The only sliver lining she could find was that Steve’d looked slightly dismayed, as the steady stream of dates Tony went on meant that they cut into the time the two usually spent together. Even if it was cruel to Steve, at this point Natasha would take what she could get if it meant she didn’t have to worry about Tony choking to death.

———

However, the steady stream of dates also had some side-effects.

For instance, the team’s curiosity. After all, while at first it’d seemed like she’d merely shifted from Steve to Tony, now after the...was it nineteenth(?) date, it was clear something was different.

“You a love them and leave them type, or something?” Clint asked, after a particularly memorable encounter had Tony arriving at the tower and making a beeline for the shower to get the glitter off.

“Or something,” he called down the hall.

Later, he explained. “That ‘or something?’ I’m demiromantic.”

“...and that means what to me?”

“Means he’s giving me a hard time finding him a significant other, what with his not liking someone if he doesn’t click with them first.” Natasha cut in, bumping a shoulder against both Clint and Tony.

“Wait, that’s a thing?”

“Yes,” Natasha replied with a sweet smile that fooled absolutely no one in the room, “it is. And it is a headache for me.”

“Hey, you’re the one that volunteered for this mission.”

“And I’ll do it, it’s just even harder than I thought. You turned down Monica for her...what was it, again?”

“Other way around, and because I’m not vegan. The glitter came from her roommate, by the way.”

“...always something.” She muttered darkly as she pulled out her list again.

Steve, who’d been overhearing it, couldn’t help but cut in, then.

“But why are you even trying to date so much in the first place?”

Tony didn’t look at Natasha, just said the first thing that popped into his mind. “Lost a bet.”

“Really.” Steve’s disbelief was audible.

“Really, Cap, have you seen this woman drink vodka?” Tony gestured, and mentally gave a sigh of relief when he bought it.

———

Things were good, things were great.

The dates were annoying, though, especially as time went on and still there was something that rubbed him wrong with each one. Annoying, but necessary, since he didn’t want to ruin one of the best friendships in his life, and/ or get frequent flier miles at the surgeon.

...unfortunately, it seemed like life had it out for him.

The problem, ironically enough, was that they simply made that good a team. Tony trusted him to have his back, and vice versa, and the banter on the comms was sometimes one of the highlights of his day [Fury’s Vein: 0, Clint and Tony: 1]. The team-building exercises are redundant, and by now most of the villains know better than to think that hurting one of them won’t result in the other’s raining hell.

Sometimes it’s like they don't even need to talk, to let the other know what they’re about to do, and more than once Steve and Tony had been compared to Clint and Natasha on the field, simply because how synchronized they could get, and the comms alternated between chatter and non-sequiturs as they pulled off stunt after stunt to save the day,

They take down the next villain running around New York, same as ever, and debrief, same as ever, and it’s not until Tony’s in his lab fixing the dents in his armor that he feels the itch in the back of his throat.

“J, get Natasha here, stat.” He manages to get out, before the coughing fit hits, and this time isn’t even surprised when he sees the red dotting his handkerchief’s surface. Not blood [not yet], but flower petals.

[Red Rose: I love you]

———

In the hours and emergency conference call that followed, Pepper, Natasha, and Rhodey were all updated on the situation, and JARVIS already had the surgery scheduled in advance. There were tears, and quite a bit of yelling, and when Pepper found an ally in trying to get Tony to talk to Steve about it, even more yelling.

It wasn’t pretty, or fair, and his family didn’t deserve what he was putting them through, again, and he was so damn sorry for it.

He still insisted on at least trying to go on more dates, though, to see if that helped any. Long odds, but it was either that or leaving the team if this kept happening because he loved them but at this rate, the strain on his body from the arc reactor and...it would end up killing him, and that...he’d sworn not to put his family through it.

It was so, very hard, though.

Especially since the team knew him even better now, and apparently he’d done a shit job of hiding his issues last time so they’d been keeping an eagle eye on him and the moment things started to go down a familiar path, they noticed immediately.

This time, hiding it was all but impossible.

Resisting the urge to cough was something Tony had gotten used to, but now it’s not just Natasha who’s noticing it; Clint’s codename isn’t Hawkeye for nothing, and for all of Thor’s boisterous nature, he was remarkably astute. And Tony suspected that Bruce might’ve figured it out last time, actually, since even if he hadn’t said anything he’d stopped commenting about the smell of flowers, even if Tony knew just how much he’d reeked of tulips towards the end, last time.

But nobody says anything, until the next Steve’s out on another run and Tony’s biting his tongue to keep ignoring the itch at the back of his throat.

“You can let it out, you know. Steve’s the only one who hasn’t figured it out.” Clint says, rolling one of the experimental arrows between his fingers. “Not sure how, to be honest. Once you mentioned the demi thing, it was easy putting together the pieces.”

———

The following talk, once Tony’s done spitting out the rose petals, somehow attracts the rest of the team, and he suspected JARVIS had something to do with it because Bruce had mentioned a new project earlier that day and yet ‘coincidentally’ wound up in the kitchen where the rest of them were.

Turns out that yes, the rest of the team had figured it out, individually. Fuck.

On the plus side, it meant he had more people willing to help. On the other hand, he’d done his level best to keep them from worrying, and this just undid nearly all the effort that’d gone into hiding it. Almost, because Steve, at least, hadn’t figured it out, which was something Tony was forever grateful for.

“What I don't understand is why you haven’t talked to him yet,” Bruce says once, when they’re collaborating on another project.

“He’s got enough issues without my adding to them. Last time I tried to broach the subject, he mentioned Peggy.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Nothing like bringing up the almost-ex who I also see as an aunt because she was around more than the old man was, right? Besides, it’s obvious he doesn’t see me that way.” No, there wasn’t a trace of bitterness in there, nope, not at all.

“Does he know that gender isn’t an—”

“He was there when I brought up the demi thing, yep.”

“...huh.”

“Thanks for trying, though. Appreciate it.”

———

Tony starts quieting down again, because if he talks too much the itch in his throat gets harder to ignore.

He still goes on dates when he can, at coffeeshops and galas, but nothing helps: his...problem is only growing by the day, every morning Steve greets him with a mug of coffee just the way he likes it, every movie night when they’re arguing over whether they should put on Star Wars for the nth time, every time they pull off another successful mission.

What he doesn't know is that the worry is eating Steve alive.

Because this is the second time now, that he’s noticed Tony pulling away. The second time that he’s being less and less social, looking more tired, looking paler, and Steve doesn’t know what to do. He can tell the team’s hiding something but he can’t figure out what and it’s driving him up the wall.

Steve notices the glances, notices the pauses when the team’s talking to Tony and he's in the room sometimes, and they’re keeping something from him and normally, he’d be okay with that. But now, his best and closest friend since he got pulled out from the ice is fading in front of his eyes, and he can’t do a thing about it.

He tries to ask around, but the team deflects everything, and every time he tries to directly confront Tony about it, the man somehow manages to distract him every damn time, and...what was he doing wrong?

———

Tony would have been content with ignoring...it until the day he died. Would have been content with hiding it as much as possible.

However, circumstances forced his hand.

The surgery was coming up, and he’d finally started to back off on the date attempts because just making it through the day was hard enough now, without putting on a show for total strangers, and Tony’s not sure if the rose thorns or shrapnel pose a bigger threat to his health, now, because the coughing fits are a special sort of hell.

That the team knew meant he’d been able to lower his guard, and even if he hated alarming them, the stream of red petals didn’t care about where they made an appearance.

He’d lowered his guard, and it turned out to be his undoing.

———

Tony had been mid-coughing fit, and Natasha had been rubbing circles onto his back to help the ache, when they heard the footsteps, and JARVIS’ attempt to delay the inevitable.

It wasn’t enough.

“—no, I need to talk to—” Steve was saying, even as he started to open the door, before freezing and flinging it open without regard to his strength, and surging in, worry in every line of his face. “Tony!”

“Oh, fuck.” Tony couldn’t help but mutter, in one of the rare moments he had between coughs. There was no way Steve could’ve missed it, and there was no deterring Captain America when he was on a mission.

Dammit, he should’ve put his lab on lockdown the moment he felt the itch, the way he’d used to before, but he’d been weak and hadn’t wanted to be alone for this, but...fuck. Fuck! He leaned more into Natasha, as the footsteps approached him, and focused on coughing into his handkerchief instead of looking at the face of everything he’d done his level best to avoid. Fuck, if he didn’t drown in flowers it’d be the guilt that got him, he just knew it.

“Tony, are you—do you need me to call Medical? Where’s the bleeding? Natasha, what—those are roses. What’s going on?”

Every word felt like a jackhammer to his heart, and Tony couldn’t help but curl into Natasha even more, because....fuck. And he couldn't say a word, because the rose petals just kept coming and Steve was watching him and—

“Tony, just focus on getting it all out.” Natasha said evenly, still rubbing circles onto his back and not looking away either, “Steve, later. We’re kinda busy right now, please step back and give him some space.”

Tony nodded and Steve lurched back as if burned, and even if he was focused on just surviving this latest round of...it, he couldn’t help but hear the conversation going on without him as he focused his breathing the way he’d learned in Afghanistan, and practiced countless times since.

“-not the first time it’s happened. Is this what you guys were keeping from-”

“Not now, Steve.”

“How long?” And the agony in his voice was doing Tony absolutely no favors, at all.

“-didn’t want to worry you-”

“My best friend is dying in front of me and none of you—”

“Steve, don’t.” Tony managed to say, once the worst of it was past. “It’s on me, I was the one that asked.”

“Tony—”

“Now’s not a good time, Steve. It’s not over yet.” Natasha cut in, and Tony really didn’t deserve these people in his life, wow. [Also: oh great, Natasha knew him well enough to know how this usually went? So much for not making her worry...crap.]

As he focused on getting the last, stubborn petals out, he heard Steve’s quiet, “Is there anything I can help with?”

“...water bottle or mouthwash, if you don’t mind. JARVIS should have the tea ready soon.”

“Right.” And with that, Steve all-but-ran to get it.

“This is going to suck, isn’t it.” Tony muttered, and didn’t flinch when Natasha wrapped him up in a quiet hug.

“Want me to stick around?”

“I...don’t know.”

———

By the time Steve came back, Tony’d managed to mostly regain his composure. He didn’t look like he was dying anymore, at least, and between cleaning up the mess on the bench and putting away the handkerchief, there was next to no hint of the sea of red Steve had walked in on.

Natasha hadn’t left his side since before he’d started the coughing fit, and Tony’s fairly certain she’s the only reason he’s not hyperventilating about the upcoming talk as she’s quietly reassuring him even as she’s always got a hand on his shoulder, or arm, to remind him he’s not alone, and...it helps.

Even if part of him can’t help but feel that there’s no way it can end well, because this was the exact scenario he’d been trying to avoid, but...he could do this. [He had to.]

———

Steve’s footsteps were deafening in the otherwise-silent lab, and faltered when he saw them. Them, and the pristine bench, but he pressed onwards and pulled up a chair after giving Tony the water bottle.

Then, he leaned forward, and in a tone that was very carefully not accusing, not angry, not reproachful, just resolved—said, “How long.”

Tony...didn’t know what to say.

But Steve deserved an answer, even if it was ugly. Even if he hated it, and part of Tony’s heart was breaking because he knew that this would be the thing to ruin their friendship, if he hadn’t before. This would be what made one of the relationships he treasured the most into an awkward mess, would be what made Steve back off once he learned how Tony felt about him.

“Tony, want me to—” Natasha asked, and Tony felt another surge of warmth even as Steve’s face darkened because odds were he was already putting together the pieces, between Natasha’s attempts at matchmaking and Tony’s...problem, and he knew she was all but allergic to emotion and this talk would be...dicey.

“No, this is...I think I can handle it.” He waved her off, and she gave him one last pat on the arm before getting up.

“Good luck, you two.” She said, shot Steve an unreadable look, and left.

Tony let his eyes track her path, instead of looking at Steve, as he started. “Don’t hate the team, I was the one who asked. And for the record, I didn’t tell them either; they all figured it out by themselves.”

“The dates.” Steve breathed, and yep, it was all coming together. [Fuck.]

“Natasha was the first to know, yes. And I asked her not to tell. Although, Cap? I’d have though you’d have been happy she focused on me instead of you.”

“Tony, this isn’t—” Steve cut himself off, and took a deep breath. Then, in a more measured voice, continued, “I was worried, for the longest time. You weren’t—and then the team—”

“I didn’t want you to worry. Any of you. I’m sorry.”

“For not telling me, or that I found out?”

“Sir, the tea is ready.” JARVIS cut in, saving them both from the sudden silence, and Tony made to get up before Steve glared at him to stay put, before moving to get it himself.

Once he was alone, Tony leaned forward and rubbed his temples. Man, he was no less cut out for this sort of talk than Natasha was, like, at all. Cutthroat board meetings? Check. Dealings with plausibly-deniable warlords who might or might not have been vetted by government agencies? Sure, even if he wan’t proud of the Merchant of Death. This, however?

Houston, he was so not ready for it. But Steve deserved an answer.

By the time Steve returned, chipped mug of chamomile in hand, Tony had mostly pulled himself together again, and already formulated several possible battle plans and escape routes...that all evaporated the moment Steve set foot in the room. Apparently, though, he was able to spot the exhaustion on his face, and after he passed Tony the tea, paused.

“Tony, are you...would you rather we talk about this later?”

“Steve, trust me. This has been a long time in coming. Just hit me with it.”

“Just...who? You’d mentioned you were demiromantic, but I would have thought that Hanahaki disease wouldn’t...”

Right. The crux of the matter. Because Steve was nothing if not direct.

Tony took a sip of tea to both fortify himself and get some time to think about how to best word his answer, before mentally going ‘fuck it’, and dove in.

“Yes, I’m demi. Doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love, though, Steve.” He said, and quirked a corner of his mouth at the irony.

“But the dates...just...who?! You’re—Tony, you’re dying from roses. I can’t— is there anything—”

“Easy, Cap, it’s not that easy, or simple.” Tony cut him off, before he said anything he would regret once he found out. “You don't know who it is. And who’s to say I’ll die from it?”

“Tony. Stop deflecting. Who.”

It took every shred of resolve he had, for Tony to look Steve in the eye, for that. To force himself to answer truthfully, because this friendship was one of the things he’d treasured the most, and Steve deserved the truth even if his stupid, traitorous heart ruined everything.

“I’m so, so sorry, Steve.” He said, and bit the bullet. “I’m sorry. It’s...it’s you. It’s always been you.”

The look of dawning horror on Steve’s face broke his heart, and he could only bear to look at it for a few seconds before looking down at his hands.

“I’m sorry, if it ruins anything—I really value your friendship. I’m sorry.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and gritted his teeth because his throat suddenly had a lump in it and Tony wasn’t sure if it was another round of coughing or simply the urge to cry, and shook his head as he stood up.

Not looking at Steve, anymore, he started to make his way out, already making plans to take the suit out for a flight, or something. “I—I’ve got a surgery scheduled, in a few weeks. Things’ll be back to normal, after that. I’m sorry. If you’re uncomfortable, I understand. I know you don’t think of me that way, and I’m sorry for causing you so much stress.”

He gave Steve one last smile, on his way out, still ignoring the look on his face because that first flash of horror had been more than enough, and fled.

———

It was late, when Tony finally returned from his flight.

He’d ignored no less than fifteen phone calls and forty-eight text messages from Pepper, Rhodey, and the team, and nearly his entire flight was a blur, but...he’d needed the space, after ruining one of the best friendships he’d had in his life. Now, even if he was still off-kilter from it, at least his defenses were at least existing again, and maybe he might even be able to look Steve in the eye after a month or so.

It’s not until after he’s finished removing the armor, however, that he realizes he’s not alone on the rooftop.

“You never did let me answer, you know.” A quiet voice says, and Tony had not expected a heart attack to be the thing that did him in.

Then, he shores his pitiful defenses up, and does his best to play along. “Sorry, I’ve never been good at rejection.”

“I can see that.”

“Can you.”

“I mean, you ran off before I could say a thing.” Steve said, and started to approach him slowly, telegraphing every movement.

“Right.” Tony was rooted to the spot, and wasn’t even sure why. Maybe because his heart’s breaking took up so much of his focus, even now. Yeah, that was probably it.

“You’d never said a thing, Tony.” And now there was a gentle weight on Tony’s arm, and part of Tony wanted to lean in so, very badly.

He sighed. “Like I said, didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Even if it was killing you.”

“Not the first time it’s happened, you know. I’ll live.” The weight got very heavy, all of a sudden, and Tony leaned back for a moment before getting enveloped in a tight hug and he did not know what was going on anymore.

“I hadn’t thought of you that way before because you’re always with Natasha and Pepper and those dates and I didn't know you were hurting and oh, God, I’m a horrible friend, I’m so sorry.”

“Steve, I—” Tony started, before the itch in the back of his throat suddenly became unbearable and it was all he could do to just breathe.

“I should’ve told you earlier. I love you.”

The itch was gone.

———

They kiss, and then turn in for the night, beaming and leaning against each other.

“JARVIS? Cancel my appointment, you know the one. Don't need it anymore.”

“Consider it done, sir. May I offer you my congratulations? And shall I notify Ms. Potts and Mr. Rhodes as well?”

They exchange a look, and nod.

“Sure.” Tony says. “Let the team know, too, if you haven’t already.”

“...”

“They know, don't they.”

“Ms. Romanov has already expressed the concern that Mr. Rogers should be prepared for a ‘shovel talk’ at the earliest convenience.”

———

...and that’s about everything I have for this AU.

You guys decide if Steve finds out about the previous surgeries, but if he did, cue even more angst once he realizes this was round 3 for Tony. The horror Tony noticed was Steve going ‘oh shit I didn’t even notice’, rather than homophobia, as Steve had genuinely never thought of him that way before Tony’d brought it up. Also why the Hanahaki disease didn’t immediately go away after the reveal; while Tony was out, Steve sorted through his feelings.

By the way, Natasha’s not the only one with a shovel talk ready; Bruce has one too, and the only reason Pepper and Rhodey don’t is because it goes without saying that they’ll throw down for Tony if push comes to shove. [Ditto as to JARVIS.] But really, though, as long as nobody’s coughing up flowers, the entire team’s happy. Seeing Tony go through it was more than enough, here.

For the record, Howard didn’t cheat on Maria, it’s just that their marriage was breaking down and she was the one most invested in it, thus resulting in her getting the backlash.

#3 am musings #gdi brain #my brain did a thing #behind the scenes mini fic #kinda #fic ideas #fic idea #my fic #Whisper of Every Waking Hour

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samtheflamingomain · 6 years

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hello wisconsin!

Okay, I'm garbage and have been putting this off for ages. I finished binging That 70's Show like a month ago and have been building this post for just as long.

I started this post at the beginning of season 6. Read it as such. I'll let you know when the part I wrote at season 6 ends and where I pick it back up in the present. If that makes sense.

I'm starting at season 6 mostly because I'm pretty sure the shark is going to be jumped at some point soon. Just like MASH, which lasted longer than the Korean war, 70's stretches 2 years of high school into 5 seasons. Plus another 3 for some reason.

And that's my first point. New rule: if your TV show appreciates in time and the events in the show don't line up with that, you've fucked up. I just watched 5 seasons of the kids in high school. You're telling me this shit goes on for another 75 fucking episodes?

Look, MASH I can give a pass to because they don't mark specific points in the war to give the watcher any time reference. MASH gives no dates - it's feasible that a 5-year war could span 10+ seasons, if we guess that each season is 6 months long. (That's not how it really works, but you get the point).

70's STARTS THE SHOW at the end of grade 11, and we know this. To a rational person, that means "One season of grade 11, 2 for grade 12, maybe another for summers." Then. They. Graduate. And. Leave.

But that's... not happening. For ANY of the main characters. They just decided to extend a show about high schoolers into their *supposed* college years. Which I wouldn't even have minded much - if ANY of them ACTUALLY WENT TO COLLEGE.

If they hadn't made things so cut-and-dry regarding timeframes, They could've kept being 12th graders for 10 seasons for all I care. But they CHOSE to follow defined timespans. And I think that's what's got me feeling that season 5 might've been the last "good season".

So everything you've read, I wrote before I finished the show. And, well, turns out I was right. This is also from before I finished the show (with a few things I’ve thrown in now):

There's a lot to disect from 70s, but there's one I want to focus on: Red Forman.

Why? Well, these characters are static and uninteresting: Donna, Fes* and Bob. They're pretty useless in terms of character development. These ones have simple character arcs: Hyde, Eric and Kitty. They change and grow, but in pretty predictible ways. In terms of change, Jackie obviously takes the cake, with Kelso at a close second.

*It is actually spelled Fes, because that's not his name. It's an acronym for Foreign Exchange Student.

But there's only one character that never seems to change or grow at all: Red. I said "seems" because he does change and grow, but it's instantaneous and doesn’t come for a looooong time.

It takes place immediately after returning from fishing, after Eric tells him he and Donna are engaged. He reaches a very sound, strong position: he made Eric run the gauntlet on everything he shit his way, but Eric never gave up. So he gives Eric the blessing to marry Donna. (There's another very pivotal change in his character, but that's later.)

I would've called that a nice wrap-up to the series.

But then they had to give him a damn heart attack to keep all the kids here. Why? Fuck if I know. (Jackie's still in high school and Hyde has a job he likes at home, but there is literally no reason for any of these other kids to still be here.)

The stupid heart-attack got Eric to push back college. I was fine with that. Then the whole Casablanca shit with Donna not getting on the bus, well, it kinda pissed me off (like, girl, don't let a fuckin weak ass ferret man determine your future) but it was a pretty sweet, moving moment. Another one that would've been great to end the show on.

But they didn't. So now we have Kelso, future cop; Fes, unemployed illegal immigrant with ZERO CHARACTER TRAITS THAT PEOPLE CARE ABOUT; and Eric “Dog Food” Forman.

Anyway, back to Red. It was that one heartwarming moment when he came back from fishing that made me realize that, while this is obviously fiction, Red is the epitome of a psychologically abusive parent. And THAT'S when I realized that literally not one of the characters HASN'T gone through significant trauma. Red's a vet; Kitty's an alcoholic who lost her father; Eric has an abusive father and alcoholic mother; Donna has a mentally retarded ball of pubic hair as a father and her mother ran out; Hyde's parents split; Jackie's dad's in jail and mom fucked off. I refuse to talk about Fes anymore cuz he's just the stupidest, most irritating "character" on the show, Randy notwithstanding. "He's brown! And has a funny accent! Hahaha" - nobody, ever.

It's when I realized that we NEVER see ANY of Kelso's home life did I realize that he was likely the sanest of the group. And, like him outscoring both Hyde and Eric on the SATs, that's very, very sad.

Back to Red. We know he became traumatized and hardened by serving in two wars. We know he's treated Eric like garbage his entire life... yet Eric is pretty well-adjusted. And that is where, 5000 words in, we get to my point: abuse is played for laughs and it's fine because Eric has a snappy comeback to Red most of the time.

Eric Foreman's a sarcastic wit with great comedic timing. So that, according to the show, cancels out of all the times Red's told Eric he was stupid and degraded him in front of his friends.

Of course, conflict has to come from somewhere, and one's parents is that major source for most teens. But to an extent.

"Red's a hardass," as the kids say regularly. But no, being a hardass is refusing a kid candy till he finishes his broccoli. Not telling him he's worthless over and over and over for 17 years

And I don't care what anyone says: that amount of abuse over a child's life does not a snappy, well-adjusted Eric Forman make.

It makes me. A crumbling, shattered, fragmented person with no sense of self-worth or accomplishment.

And now, we’re caught up. Back in the present, having finished the show.

My point ended up being made.

If the show had ended at season 5 with Donna missing her bus, we would've missed a lot.

Look, I still firmly believe the show itself would've been better if it had ended earlier, but my complaints about the effect of Red's abuse of Eric would've gone unanswered.

I spent the next 3 seasons mildly annoyed that they existed - first, Eric doesn't go to college. Then neither does Donna. Why are they still around? Why do we still care? The whole point of the show was to show us high schoolers graduating and going off to college. To me, it felt like how it would feel if MASH continued after the war ended.

I was absolutely irrate when Eric announced the theme of season 7 would be "I'm taking a year off to eat and watch TV and sleep!" There was a great scene that's often seen on tumblr in gif form: at breakfast, Red asks Eric what he's going to do about: moving out, Donna, his job, and his future. He replies "I 'unno" to each question. Red tells him to have a plan by the end of the day if he wants to eat. And I said "Finally, some good fucking Red Forman." Then, at the end of the day, Eric announces: "Donna? Hanging out. Job? Quit. Future? None. When am I moving out? Make. Me."

To which I said, "THAT'S WHAT YOU DID LAST SEASON BITCH!" Only apparently I was wrong; Eric Forman could and did become even more useless than before.

But at least it gets us to my absolute favorite point in the entire series. Season 7, episode 9, 18 minutes in. (Thanks to Reddit for helping me locate this scene). Red is bitching at Eric for not knowing what to do with his life. Let's go straight to the transcript (with side jokes edited out):

E: Did it ever occur to you guys that I don't know what I'm doing? I'm scared, okay? Look. My whole life, I've been trying to please other people. So I feel like I don't know who I am. Or know what I want to do with my life. I just don't want to wake up in five years and hate my life.

R: That's unavoidable.

E: Okay, I just need more time to think.

R: You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a Malaria vaccine. I never had time to *think.*

E: Yeah, but Dad, don't you think it would've been helpful if you did?

Then the camera zooms in on Red, and no laugh track, no jokes, he thinks for a good 20 seconds. Then he says, "Okay. I'll give you six months."

It's my favourite scene. Even more than the one we get after fishing or the one before leaving for Africa. Because unlike those few heartfelt scenes, this one relies on Red. Being. Wrong. And admitting it.

There's a reason Eric's spent his whole life trying to please others: Red. There's a reason Eric doesn't know who he is: Red.

Throughout the entire series, Red's been a Conservative Republican veteran who, as Kitty puts it, "Thinks the only way to become a man is to DIE." Just 500 words ago, I called him abusive. And, let's be real, he is.

But I also had an abusive father. That's why I picked this direction for this post to go. I saw Scott in Red Forman. But they are NOT the same.

Red Forman will admit to being wrong. And that makes up for a whole goddamn lot. Going through abuse is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. But if they did and their abuser ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG, that is NOT nothing to the abused. If my dad had admitted he was a dick, my life would be a LOT different.

And Eric is the epitome of that feeling. His eyes light up when Red says he'll give him six months. Because Red knows he's done Eric wrong. He knows he owes him at least this much. At various points throughout the series it's been pointed out that Eric is who he is because of Red. It was inevitable that Red, too, would eventually reach this conclusion.

Anyway. That's that.

I do want to talk about other things than Eric and Red Forman, so let's play all the hits: fuck Jackie and Fes, fuck Randy with a chainsaw, the moment the show jumped the shark was when Eric bailed on the wedding, fuck Randy with a hot curling iron, Fes is the most annoying and useless character on the show, LOVED the episode where they finally Green Out™ and Kelso calls the White House, and FUCK RANDY WITH A CEREMONIAL JAPANESE KATANA.

Look. I can't in good conscience indulge in a 70's review without talking Randy.

But I hate him so much I don't want to waste energy on him so let's get this over with: useless, Gary Stu, want to put his hair through a blender, fuck him for being in the cirle in the theme song.

Okay, but let's play one last one: Tommy Chong.

I was curious as to why he was absent for 3 seasons so I Googled it. Dude was in prison for selling bongs. He said, upon getting out and returning to the show, "I thought they would've made that a part of the show!" I think that says it all about Leo and why he's my favorite character, with Hyde as a close second. But FUCK Danny Masterson and FUCK Scientology. Look it up.

Well, to finish off, an interesting tidbit: at the end of the theme song, it is Hyde who shouts "Hello Wisconsin!". The entire time, for 200 episodes, I would've sworn on my life that it was Kelso.

Stay Greater.

#70's show #that 70's show #hello wisconsin #eric forman #sam

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umisabaku · 6 years

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Hi! Sorry I'm a new fan of a Designation: Miracle series (literally started reading yesterday, binged everything and finally caught up to the Thanksgiving short lol) and I don't know if you've answered this, but I'm curious about your update schedule. From what I can gather so far, I assume that you like to post your stories after you've finished writing the entire thing and I'm curious why that is. Thank you for this series; I love it a lot and it got me into Big Windup as well!

!!!! OK, I just need to stop andmarvel for a second that you have read over 400K of fic in the span of a day???Do you know how long that is??? That is, like, two Harry Potter novels worth offic!! I am very impressed!!

And honored and humbled that youwould read through this series so quickly. Thank you!! It is so lovely that youhave found my stories!! Thank you so much for reading them! (I am also very glad you checked out Big Windup because that show is awesome and needs more love 💜)

And actually, no one ever HAS askedthat question, although I was always prepared with a response, in case anyoneever did!! (It is always somewhat disappointing whenever I prepare a responsefor a question no one ever asks, so thanks, anon-friend!! I’m very glad youasked!)

My update schedule is always that Ifinish the story first and then try to post it once a week until completed.(Sometimes the editing process is more involved and takes longer than a week,but that is roughly what I shoot for). And I have many reasons for my strongpreference to finish a fic first!

The first and foremost reason isbecause I do not trust myself to finish a story. And I, as a longtime consumerof fanfiction, have been haunted by unfinished WIPs, so it would make me verysad if I ever did that to someone else. (I *completely* understand why some fic cannot be finished. I would just hate for someone to want anending that I can not give them). I still have a 60K unfinished fantasy KNBkidfic AU that I very much want to finish someday!!! But have not!!!! And itbothers me!!!!! And it would be so much worse if I had started to post thatstory before I decided I needed to take a year-long break from it.

My second reason is that I am anincredibly anxious person, and I am convinced that if I tried to post a storybefore I was finished with it, I would get too anxious about the response/lackof response that I probably wouldn’t finish it. For example! I was incrediblyglad I had finished writing “Don’t Blink You’ll Miss It” before everposting it, because I got incredibly anxious over Orange’s identity the morepeople kept guessing Orange was Ogiwara or someone else KNB related. I had, atthat point, already started writing “Have a Seat” but by the time Iposted Chapter Thirteen, I had somewhat convinced myself that everyone wasgoing to HATE the secret crossover aspect and be very angry at me that Orangewas Hinata. (I even briefly wondered if I should change that. I had workedmyself up a lot. I am glad I didn’t though =D)

So!! All things considered, it ismuch better for me (and my ability to finish things) if I finish first, andthen post after I know I am done.

Thanks again for your question,anon-friend! And thank you for reading my stories (at such an impressiverate!!)

#Mikki writes #I have asks! and I'm answering them!#this is my anon tag #writing

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angeltriestoblog · 4 years

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I watched a couple of movies! (Part 1)

Back when I regularly had the luxury of long breaks, I spent my days binge-watching films, as you can see from my extensive knowledge of 80s chick flicks and all the cheesy tropes and disgustingly adorable, predominantly white leading men that come with them. Sadly, a side effect of growing older in the digital age seemed to be the diminishment of my attention span: the only things I could focus on were academic requirements, simply because I had to. But, thanks to several factors—the suspension of online classes, the sudden annoyance I developed towards Barney Stinson that prompted me to discontinue How I Met Your Mother, etc.—I decided it was high time to rekindle this lost love. So, here is an unsolicited review of the 17 films I managed to finish in a little over a week! Rest assured, I tried my best to venture out of familiar territory and brush up on some of the more cultured picks, according to Letterboxd, at least.

Bar Boys (2017, dir. Kip Oebanda) ★★★

The film that kickstarted everything, which I never would have seen if the director had not uploaded the full version on YouTube. This well-meaning tale of four best friends (Carlo Aquino, Rocco Nacino, Enzo Pineda, and Kean Cipriano) and the challenges they face in law school—terror professors, fraternities, and financial difficulties included—does have a lot of heart, and is sensitive enough to show how the effect of this experience differs depending on a student's background. But, what it lacked for me was a certain degree of specificity: I think the same premise would have been applicable in med school, or any other post-graduate degree for that matter. So, why did the characters choose law? I also would have appreciated some commentary on the shortcomings of the country’s justice system, and further fleshing out of the characters so the audience could have seen why we could count on them to fill in the gaps.

Legally Blonde (2001, dir. Robert Luketic) ★★★½

The rating might be surprising, considering that the courtroom scene was responsible for the short law school phase I had in Grade 5. As if I could ever make use of the rules of haircare in an actual cross-examination. Of course, I am compelled to admire Elle (Reese Witherspoon) and how her motivations for going to Harvard shift from winning back a boy to discovering what she never knew she had and using these gifts to help those around her (especially the manicurist, who I feel was given way more exposure than what was due to her). Ultimately, though it was inspirational at some points, it felt too good to be true and impossible to relate to. (But then again, shouldn’t there be a willing suspension of disbelief when consuming forms of media such as this?)

Lady Bird (2017, dir. Greta Gerwig) ★★★★★

I’ll probably end up making a separate post dedicated to this movie and how it singlehandedly called me out, as a sensitive, occasionally self-important product of an all-girls Catholic high school. For now, I am forced to condense my overflowing feelings into a couple of sentences. Lady Bird takes place over the course of the titular character's senior year, a pivotal moment in the lives of all teenagers. But, instead of focusing solely on the formulaic firsts like the normal coming-of-age film would, it shines a light on her dwindling relationship with her equally strong-willed mother. Saoirse Ronan’s colorful performance as the human embodiment of my pre-teen self's conscience, and Greta Gerwig’s tremendous ability to make even oddly specific scenes speak to any viewer shine through and speak to me the most, and easily make this gem something I will be recommending this to anyone who bothers to ask for as long as I live.

Bohemian Rhapsody (2018, dir. Bryan Singer) ★★★

There’s a lot of controversy surrounding Bo Rhap, particularly its failure to portray Freddie Mercury in a manner that does him justice. While I understand that it is a valid concern for fans of the band, I admit I don’t know enough about who he was as a person to criticize the film in this aspect. Regardless of its factuality, this still was just average for me, the typical rise-and-fall type of biopic that is indicative of a rockstar’s legacy, but with laughably faulty editing. The redeeming factors were Rami Malek’s brilliant portrayal of the legend himself—his Live Aid performance gave me chills that lasted the entire 20 minutes, how alarming—and, obviously, the soundtrack that I kept on loop for several days.

About Time (2013, dir. Richard Curtis) ★

Apparently, this movie focuses on Tim (Domhnall Gleeson), who discovers at age 21 that the men in his family have the power to time-travel and thus revise and repair certain parts of their lives. He uses this to address the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend, and effectively so as he ends up bagging Mary (Rachel McAdams), a charming American who is the settler in this relationship by default. But, of course, this gift is not without its dire consequences—or at least, that��s what it says on Wikipedia. It’s hard to trash on this and admit that I bailed halfway because so many of my friends swear by this. But, I just couldn’t stomach the lack of chemistry between the two leads; the surprisingly boring dialogue for a screenplay crafted by Richard Curtis of Notting Hill fame; and the story that, although bore enough of a resemblance to “The Time Traveler’s Wife” to be interesting, was still not powerful enough to sustain my attention.

Your Name (2016, dir. Makoto Shinkai) ★★★★★

I’m a huge fan of plots that are sure to make my eyes swell and heart hurt—I can’t explain the psychology behind this either. So when this was recommended to me and I had made it through an hour without shedding a single tear, I was prepared to be disappointed. But, the events leading up to the conclusion proceeded to rip me into shreds, as if to taunt me and say, “You asked for it.” Mitsuha (Mone Kamishiraishi) and Taki (Ryunosuke Kamiki), teenagers living on opposite sides of the country, suddenly start switching bodies following the appearance of a comet. This unexplainable phenomenon causes them to forge an unbreakable bond that transcends the very limits of time and space. I know the description is not much, but it’s best to experience this unique plot for yourself. Besides its storyline, its charm lies in its excruciating attention to detail in depicting life in urban and rural Japan, both in the realistic animation of one picturesque scene after another, and the use of cultural elements to arrive at a twist viewers will not see coming.

Booksmart (2019, dir. Olivia Wilde) ★★★★½

I can't summarize what I imagine Booksmart to be for teenagers in the future, so here's an entire scenario: It's the year 2070. Two young girls of around 16 are sprawled on their bedroom floor, watching this on whatever device they use for streaming. (Maybe it's from an LCD projector embedded in their foreheads, who knows.) The credits roll, and they instantly think to themselves, "Man, we were born in the wrong generation!" (They simultaneously think of doing a high-five, and without raising their hands themselves, it happens because that's technology.) Anyway, Amy (Kaitlyn Dever) and Molly (Beanie Feldstein) are best friends who played by the rules all throughout high school and realized too late that they could’ve afforded to have a little more fun. On the eve of their graduation, they decide to cram four years’ worth of adventure in a single unpredictable and outrageous night, getting to grips with everything that comes their way in an exceedingly comedic yet refreshing fashion. Also, the protagonists have such a genuine and wholesome relationship: the way they hyped up their most ridiculous looking outfits, or overshared borderline uncomfortable stories is honestly my personal definition of an ideal friendship.

When Harry Met Sally (1989, dir. Rob Reiner) ★★★★½

Despite this film’s constant presence in every “chick flicks you must watch” list I’ve bothered searching up, I spent a huge chunk of my teen years in constant protest against the decision to cast Billy Crystal as the male lead instead of, I don’t know, literally any other actor on the planet. But, once I finished it, I realized that he’s a much better fit than I thought. The laidback Harry to Meg Ryan’s finicky Sally, both of them spare no effort exploring and debunking truths and misconceptions about modern relationships: examples of which are the idea of being high maintenance, and the quintessential question of whether a guy and girl can ever be just friends. Although their dynamic is the definition of slow burn, audiences can’t help but earnestly root for the pair—the frustration brought by the several almosts pay off in the end, as they lead to one of, if not, the most romantic love confession scene.

Hintayan ng Langit (2018, dir. Dan Villegas) ★★★★½

This tale adapted from a play by no less than Juan Miguel Severo is set in purgatory—a grandiose art museum-four star hotel hybrid of sorts—where souls can stop and rest while their papers for entry to heaven are being processed. It is here we meet Manolo (Eddie Garcia) and Lisang (Gina Pareno), ex-lovers with unfinished business. Things admittedly start off a bit slow, but it's understandable since there needs to be ample provision of context regarding the standard operating procedures of this unique waiting area. Once that’s done, the focus stays on the main actors, who drive audiences to tears with their powerful performances, and thought-provoking questions on matters of betrayal, forgiveness, and the afterlife. The ending had me rocking back and forth like a baby, my shirt soaked with tears, so do take heed and stock up on tissues!

The Social Network (2010, dir. David Fincher) ★★★★★

Within its packed first 15 minutes alone, you can easily see what makes The Social Network an example of cinema at its finest: an intoxicated Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) hacks into the websites of all Harvard dorms to create Facebook’s oldest ancestor from scratch, in an attempt to get back at his ex-girlfriend. The atmosphere is tense, the dialogue is loaded with witty one-liners and powerful insight, and the actors are so in touch with their characters they practically fuse into a single person. This remains consistent for the next two hours or so, making for an enjoyable and fast-paced, yet still informative glimpse into the human side of what is arguable the most powerful company of this era. I also heard that it’s much more fun if seen with the cast commentary on, so I’m gonna have to find a copy of that for myself!

Pretty in Pink (1986, dir. Howard Deutch) ★★★★★

I’m cheating here, I know: this has been a long-time favorite, but I guess I can still give a review if I was still 15 when I last saw this. Andie (Molly Ringwald) and Blane (Andrew McCarthy)’s classic “poor girl + rich boy = happily ever after” story is masterfully tackled by John Hughes, who manages to inject equal amounts of swoon-worthy romance and biting criticism of the inherent class divide in society. Others would argue that Duckie (Jon Cryer), Andie’s devoted best friend, is the true star of the show, and while I do agree that he has his shining moments (if you listen closely, you can hear Try A Little Tenderness playing softly in the background), I sadly inherited my mother’s adoration for Andrew, which I will pass on to my child and so on—truly the defining characteristic of our lineage.

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985, dir. Joel Schumacher) ½

I understand that being an adult in the Real World is bound to come with some grave mistakes and lapses in judgment. But, not a single character in this friend group redeems themselves by the end. While Ally Sheedy’s Leslie and Mare Winningham’s Wendy were just borderline forgettable (why did the latter even end up here with the Brat Pack?), Judd Nelson’s Alec cheats on his girlfriend and believes that marriage is what will make him change his ways; Rob Lowe’s Billy neglects the family he didn’t plan on having by fooling around with other women and making a home out of his favorite bar; Demi Moore’s Jules relies on cocaine and extramarital affairs to hide trauma she refuses to process, and Andrew McCarthy’s pretentiously cynical Kevin suddenly claims he knows what love is when Leslie pays attention to him for 10 minutes. But, none of them compare to Emilio Estevez’ Kirby, the sociopath obsessed with a girl he barely knows. It honestly resembles some sick contest of how many problems this gang can cause before they end up behind bars, with the last scene being a lazy and rushed attempt to wrap everything up, in the name of this surface-level “friendship”.

Before Sunrise, Sunset, and Midnight (1995, 2004, 2013; dir. Richard Linklater) ★★★★★

Guess it’s better to admit it now, but I made this post as an excuse to rave about how beautiful this trilogy is, the most authentic depiction of love in its purest form. Sunrise has been recommended to me by both friends and the Netflix algorithm, but I put off watching it again and again and again. I mean, what could I possibly get out of looking at two strangers roam around Vienna? Well, to answer that question: quite a lot. Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy)’s relationship spans an entire trilogy, and throughout that period, they manage to define then destroy the idea of having a soulmate to call your own in approximately six hours. But certain constancies are present in each movie: the emotion intense even in the smallest of gestures (you don't understand the anguish I feel when the scene at the listening booth randomly pops in my head), the dialogue truly thought-provoking and natural, the settings so picturesque, and the chemistry of the actors so electric I have trouble believing that the director didn’t actually invade the personal space of a real couple and eventually get issued a restraining order.

High Fidelity (2000, dir. Stephen Frears) ★★

I’d like to think of this as an essay: I'm confident that the introduction is the protagonist Rob's soliloquy on his five biggest breakups to understand why he’s so flawed that everyone always leaves him, and the conclusion his attempt to win his ex Laura (Iben Hjejle) back. But as for the body, I’m not entirely sure. Interspersed between these moments are thoughtful top five lists of anything that can be enumerated, and occasional banter with the employees at his record store that may be charming, but do not enhance the film in any way, shape, or form for me. Also, I normally enjoy seeing John Cusack onscreen, but more often than not, he was nagging in front of the camera instead of talking to the people around him; no wonder his relationships failed!

Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010, dir. Edgar Wright) ★★★

I wanted to enjoy this so bad, I swear! Sadly, the one thing I gained after seeing this is knowledge of where the “I’m So Sad, So Very Very Sad” meme came from. I get that it’s supposed to resemble a comic book or video game, and maybe the reason why I failed to appreciate this as much is because I was never a fan of either. I found the prolonged action scenes surprisingly boring, the storyline too fantastic, and the whole quest of having to defeat seven monstrous exes for the hand of a manic pixie dream girl not worth it in the end. Although I can’t give it less than three stars given its impressive visual effects, and appeal to the entire Tumblr community (gamers on one end, millennial film connoisseurs on the other), it’s definitely not something I would watch a second time.

There will surely be more where that came from! (I mean it. Since completing this post, I’ve finished another five films.) If you wanna keep tabs on what I’m watching without having to wait on another post, you can give my Letterboxd a follow. Wishing you love and light always, and don’t forget to wash your hands and pray for our frontliners!

#recs #angeltriestoblog #life dump #movies #movies to watch during quarantine #or at least movies I'VE watched over quarantine #so far #17 films are u CRAZY!!!!#i have carpal tunnel #quarantingz

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