#like. maybe the first book but it breaks out of that mould pretty fucking quickly
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"The Inheritance Cycle is bad because it's just a ripoff of Star Wars/Lord of the Rings but with dragons-"
#the inheritance cycle#like. maybe the first book but it breaks out of that mould pretty fucking quickly#and comes into its own. and even then bitch i like lotr and star wars its a two cake situation#there's also the argument that its clearly written by a 15 year old and while yeah it kinda shows#i have read worse by more advanced authors. by far#and the overall feel of the books is really good and fun so like. who cares lol
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The Club
Word Count: 3.4k
Chris clubbing! au
Warning: sex, oral sex, idk why I bother putting this on my post, this a a nsfw writing account gjhfsk
A/N: hi guys, sorry I have not posted in a bit. I was having a break after some personal stuff. Anyways, this is my first Chris fic I’ve written and I’m nervous because I worked really hard on it. I hope you enjoy reading!
After almost a year of having your head in the books, one exam after another, you needed one night to be with friends, go out, have one shot after another until your whole body became numb. This just happened to be the night.
The clock struck 11:30pm. You felt the bass of the walls vibrate through your chest as the music playing in the club banged with each beat. Your ears deafening, body sweating, head thrown back in pure bliss as you swayed your hands in the air side to side in sync with the rhythm. Almost 6 Tequilla shots later and you were buzzed, to say the least. You almost felt like a whole new person was crawling out of you. Your drunk alter ago was crazy. She would yell scream, kiss random guys, sometimes her own friends even. But she didn't care, as long as she was having a good time.
“Omg Y/n look, Changbin and his friends are here!”
You turn around to see Changbin, Minho and Woojin moving towards you. You had known them since the beginning of high school, being really good friends who you knew were coming tonight. You knew one of your friends, Y/n friend kinda had something going on with Changbin, so you quickly said hi to him and let them go off. You also said hi to the other boys, before one more guy that you had never seen before approached you and your friends.
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Chris,” he politely smiled.
Your eyes slightly widened, heartbeat slightly accelerated more than it already was from the alcohol when your eyes became in contact with other, bringing you to a complete stop. Everything around you became slow the longer his eyes lingered on you. He had to be, hands down, the most attractive person you had ever laid eyes on. He had blonde hair, pushed up, exposing his forehead with a headband. Plump lips, perfect teeth, even a goddamn eyebrow slit. It was like he knew it was your weakness. Not to mention, his broad shoulders and large chest which was partly exposed by the long, loose black buttoned shirt that had nearly half of them undone. That wasn’t the best part however. You clenched your mouth hard, preventing your jaw from dropping to floor when you saw his arms and hands which had the sleeves rolled up. He had veins running all the way up from his well-built biceps, down past his forearms, all the way to his hands. All you could think about was having those precious fingers inside of you.
And in that moment, it was like all of the alcohol had worn off. You weren’t the drunk, confident alter-ego anymore. You swallowed heavily when you realised it was your turn to introduce yourself.
“Hi. I’m y/n,” you almost whispered, you legs almost shaking from the nerves you had. He was so intimidating, you couldn’t help it.
He turned to look at you. Raking his eyes up and down your body, he smirked, before leaning closer into you.
“Well, hello Y/N, would you maybe, wanna get a drink?” He chuckles, before cocking his head and pressing a small kiss to your left cheek. You turn to look at one of your friends and the boys, giving you a suggestive face while slowly creeping away, giving you no choice but the go with him.
“Oh um, sure,” you smile politely, before he grabs your hand, intertwining both of your fingers so you wouldn't lose each other in the mass crowd of people. You heart skipped a beat when you made contact. Skin feeling like hot fire from his touch. However, you pulled yourself together, long enough to make it to the bar.
_______________________________________________________________________
“Wait, you what!” you cried, tears almost falling from your eyes from laughter at Chris’ story for the 4th time.
“You heard me. I had to!” He whines, laughing in unison with you.
It had been at least a solid 20 minutes of you two just talking. Getting to know each other, mixed with alcohol. He winks at the bartender who places your 5th shot of vodka. You both raise your glasses up simultaneously, smiling at each other,
“To…. h-having a good time tonight!” Chris slurs a little, causing a few people around you to cheer as well. You nod, chuckling lightly before tapping the small glasses together, swallowing the clear liquid. You through your head back as the all too familiar burn cascade down your throat.
Chris puts hand out towards you,
“Shall we dance?”
“Oh! OF COURSE!” you yell, grabbing his hand without hesitation this time, before making your way to the dance floor. You quickly find your friends. Woojin and Minho with some random girls, Changbin and Y/n friend, as predicted, and your other two friends enjoying each other’s company.
“Y/N!” The both yell, but calm down once they see Chris behind you, with his hands around your waist. They both raised their eyebrows at you, before a new song began playing. You give them a slight smile, preventing Chris from seeing your true excitement. The vibration regaining consciousness back in your chest as the music blares through the speakers. You begin to dance. Swaying your hips to the beat.
“Y/n?” Chris yells in your ear, trying to get your attention. You quickly turn around to face him. Without warning, he pulls you in, hands firmly against your lower back. You feel his beginning to harden cock pressed up against your inner thigh. He presses his body up even harder against you, able to feel his abs against your stomach.
“Let me show you.”
He doesn’t finish sentence. Instead, he turns your around, digging his hands into your sides, firmly grinding your ass up against his now fully hardened cock. You stiffened a little, but quickly relaxed when you rested your head in the crook of his neck, placing your hands on top of his to soothingly rub them up and down your sides.
“Let me show you a good time.” He groans, before slightly thrusting his hips against yours. You bit your lip and chuckled, before bringing your head back up. You looked over to your friends, who high fived each other and gave you the thumbs up at you in support.
“Well, what are you waiting for,” you ask, turning around to face him. You place your arms around his neck, cocking your head to side, before brining it dangerously close to Chris’ lips. You breathe heavily, him being able to feel your warm, intoxicating breath, “don’t just tell me, show me.”
He replies by slowly pressing his lips against yours. It wasn’t the rough contact you were longing for, but you weren’t complaining. His soft lips gently massaged yours, almost like they were moulded perfectly for each other. His hands snake around your waist to your ass. He gives it a tight squeeze, before leaving them there. He pushes his tongue against your lips, begging for access. You happily give it to him, moving your hands up to his hair, slightly pulling his locks to change the angles that you kissed from.
You tongues danced over each other as you move one hand down,slithering it under his shirt, feeling his extremely hard and defines muscles, almost finding it hard to concentrate because of how nice his body felt.
You move your lips away from his, kissing him along his cheek, all across the side of his face until you reach his ear. You bite down on his lobe gently, causing him to catch his bottom lip in between his teeth. You continue down, pressing gentle kisses all the way down his chiseled jawline and neck, before stopping at his very exposed collarbone. You begin to suck harshly, knowing that it would definitely leave marks on him by the morning. Chris inhales sharply, gipping your sides eagerly once again for support.You disconnect once again, before turning around. You go back to grinding yourself into him at the beat of the song, bringing his hands up to your chest, allowing for him to give a gentle squeeze. You then bend over, really giving you the ability to move up and down at a pace you wanted, and you knew he would enjoy.
Bringing yourself back up soon after, you laugh in pleasure, a small moan escaping your lips when he flicks your left nipple. He brings a hand down, moving your crop top to the side, before dipping two fingers into your skirt, running them alongside your clit. You wanted to scream, but he covers your mouth with his large hands.
“Only I wanna hear that pretty little scream. Hear you moaning my name as I ruin you over, and over, and over again” he groans with heavy breaths in between, before finally pressing his fingers against your centre, flicking it from side to side. You muffle your scream against his hand, a throaty chuckle coming from the depths of his throat.
“I can’t take it anymore. You are so fucking sexy, y/n. Let’s get outta here.” He demands, in which you grab his wrists and pull him out of the club quickly in response.
You grab the first taxi and jump in. He tells the driver his address before you begin moving. He can’t keep his hands off of you in the car. At first, nothing was happening. You were looking out the window, before you felt the palm of his hands on your thigh, moving his thumb in circular motions. You felt a dull ache at your core from his touch. He was such a tease. But you loved it. You wanted, no, you needed him so bad. Needed those long, spider like finger tips inside of you, one finger pressed to you clit, licking you up and down at the same time. The amount of time it took to get to his place was about to drive you insane.
You were snapped out of your thoughts when you felt his whole hand move closer to your centre. Your legs tensed when you felt the tip of his thumb circle over your clothed clit. You wanted to scream. Stop the car and push him across the back seat and ride him into the sunset. You couldn't take it anymore. This was too much for you. You grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him in to smash his lips against his, when all of a sudden, the car stops. You groan in frustration. So close, yet so far.
Chris gets out of the car first, walking around to your side, opening the door for you. You laugh and roll your eyes. How could he be such a gentleman? Right now? Regardless, you got out of the car, grabbing his hand to let him lead you into his place. The door opens quietly, before Chris slammed it, pressing you up against it, putting your arms above your head.
“Think you’re gonna leave marks on me and that’s it, do you?”
He moves his head to the side, leaning towards your ear. He begins to gently suck on your lobe, a small moan leaving your body at his soft lips caressing your ear. He begins to move downwards, sucking on the crook between your neck and collarbone.
“Chris, please. Stop teasing me. I’ve had enough.” You moan, followed by small pants.
“If you say so,” he complies, “This,” he points at the skirt and top you were wearing, “take them off.”
You obey him, taking them off instantly, while Chris walks around the corner to the kitchen to turn the lights on.
A smirk reappears on Chris’ face when he sees you on nothing by the matching red lace bra and panites set you wore underneath your outfit. You mentally high fived yourself for that choice in undergarment. He walks over to you, eyes full of lust when you make eye contact with him. Exactly like an hour ago when you had just met for the first time. He begins at the spot where he left at, making sure that there was at least 5 different marks left. He proceeds down towards the centre of your chest. He leaves a trail of warm kisses down you, while unclasping your bra, revealing your breasts.
Chris took his bottom lip between his teeth, “fuck y/n, you are so beautiful,” he says before engulfing himself in your left nipple. He sucks and flicks his tongue around it, while pinching the other one, you head lightly hitting the door as you felt the sudden pleasure beginning to fill you.
“Ugh Chan, your tongue feels so good baby,” you moan, lightly rubbing your thumb against his forehead.
“You think my tongue feels good there? Oh just you wait princess.”
He continues his journey down, rubbing small circles on your hip bones while leaving soft, but wet kisses down the center of your stomach, until he is just above your core. He looks up at you, eyes full of passion and ambition to have you.
“May I?” He asks you in a soft tone, completely catching you off guard. ‘His duality is crazy,’ you thought to yourself.
“Chris please, I need you, now.” You whine. He smirks once again, before plunging his tongue into you. You shriek at the contact. He flicks his tongue side to side, then around and around and then side to side again, leaving you barely able to stand.
“H-holy shit,” You struggle to get out.
“Mhm you like that baby?” Chan asks in a satisfied tone.
“Oh yes baby, your tongue feels so good on me,” you groan, hands moving into his hair, interlocking them in his curls to support you standing.
“Mmmm,” he hums, sending vibrations throughout you, “let’s move this to the couch.”
You nod, moving over and lying on the couch like he asked.
“No no no,” he argues, “I’m on the bottom. I want, no, I NEED you to sit on my face. Right now.”
You do what he says, getting up off of the couch and letting him take your previous position. You line yourself up with his face, before slowly sinking down on him. You moan in relief when you feel the familiar feeling of his perfectly textured tongue underneath you.
“Right there Chris,” you moan, beginning to move your hips against him. He maintains his eye contact with you as you see his tongue flickers in and out of your entrance. Your mouth forms ‘o’ shape as you feel the pit in your stomach begin to build up. You were getting close. You wrapped your fingertips in his hair as your rode his face. The pleasure beginning to really build in you more and more.
“fuck ,” you grumble, knowing at any moment you would reach your breaking point, “that’s it baby. I’m gonna cum.”
Chris chuckles against you, moving his tongue even faster, a scream leaving your body. Just as your about to cum, he stops, moving his tongue away from you clit.
“Are you serious?” You ask, annoyance in your tone at the abrupt withdrawal of contact. Chris chuckles.
“You thought I was gonna let you cum that easy. You should have learnt by now that I’m a tease, y/n.” He smirks, causing you to roll your eyes.
He gets up, grabbing your wrist and pulling you down his dark hallway to his bedroom. He turns on the lights and throws you on the bed. He takes off his shirt, revealing his established muscular body that you had previously felt. He follows by ripping off his belt and throwing his jeans. You couldn’t help but begin to touch yourself at the sight. He was so sexy and beautiful. You begin rubbing circles lightly on your clit, followed by entering one finger inside of you.
“Shit, that is fucking sexy. Don’t stop that now.” Chan groans with his raspy voice, before taking his boxers off, throbbing cock springing against his stomach. You moan at the sight. It was so big and veiny, you began to imagine how it would feel inside of you, turning you on even more.
He begins to stroke himself, a sigh of relief escaping his mouth. You match your pace with the speed of his strokes, moaning and groaning in unison. He brings his other hand up to your mouth, making you suck on his log, juicy fingers.
“Fuck this, I can’t take it anymore.” Chris murmured, before hovering over you. Smashing his lips against you this time, before lining his tip up with your entrance. You both moan once he plunges into you. You feel the veiny texture of his beautiful cock as he pushes all the way into you. He gives you a moment to adjust, your inside clenching around him, before he continues to thrust in and out of you.
The scent of lust, sex and desire in the air as he continues to fuck you. A series of moans, groans and cuss words are released into the room.
“That’s it baby oh my god. You fuck me so good,” you whine to him, encouraging him to pick up his pace. He begins to slam into you. Harder. Faster. He can barely take it himself.
“You like that baby? No one else can fuck you like I can. God, you are so fucking tight,” He grunts, bucking his hips in an upwards direction. An ‘o’ face appearing on your face once again as he hits your g-spot.
“Oh my god Chris, that’s it right there. Don’t fucking stop,” you screech.
He continues in the same position, head rolling to the back of his neck in a complete state of euphoria and ecstasy.
“Oh my god baby, I’m gonna cummm,” you moan, feeling that pit in your stomach begin to build up once again.
“Me too baby. You feel so fucking good. Cum for me, right now.” Chan grunts, moving himself even faster in and out of you.
On cue, you scream as you reach your climax. Your body begins to contort, from the over stimulation as you rode out your high. You begin to feel dizzy as he continues to fuck you. A few moments later he finishes himself releasing his load inside of you, unable to control himself for any longer.
He falls next to you, rubbing the beads of sweat off of his forehead from the strenuous exercise you two had just participated in.
“Wow,” you say simultaneously, nothing but laughter filling the room.
“You can um, stay here tonight, if you want.” Chris says shyly.
“OH um, thank you. That would be nice.”
You take off the sheets and crawl into his bed. You roll onto your side, not wanting to face him due to the slight embarrassment you were feeling. Not long after though, however, you feel the warmth of another body pressed against you. Chris puts his hands around your waist.
“Goodnight,” he whispers sweetly into your ear.
“Goodnight,” you reply, before drifting away into a blissful sleep in the comfort of his arms.
___________________________________________________________________________
You wake up slowly the next morning, head banging heavily from the large amount of alcohol you had consumed last night. You look around, panic beginning to fill you as the setting was unfamiliar. However, you quickly remembered where you were, and what had happened. You begin to heat up a little at the thought of definitely the best sex you had ever had.
“Good morning,” Chris rolls over, his morning voice a lot more deeper, raspier and sexier than it already was.
“Good morning,” you giggle in response, before he closes the gap between you two, pressing your foreheads together. He bites his lips, moving his hands to your side once again,
“I had a lot of fun last night,” he whispers, scared that someone will hear him. You rolled over, placing yourself in between his legs. You grab his cock, giving it few strokes before sitting on it, rubbing your clit back forth against it.
A small stifling moan escapes his mouth,
“So did I. Why don’t we continue?” You ask in an innocent tone, before quickly lining yourself up with his entrance, sinking down on him slowly, both of you groaning in relief at the familiar feeling.
“Sounds good to me.”
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She Makes Me Sin - Chapter 22 (Role Reversal AU - Ben SoloxOC)
Warnings: Language, Torture
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Chapter 22
Cora’s P.O.V
Poe Dameron and his crew had been captured earlier this morning. I knew it had only been a matter of time before someone tried to contact Ben, I just didn’t think they’d go straight for a break out. Not that it mattered, their stupidity had already gotten all but two killed. Poe and his female co pilot were alive in separate interrogation cells. Both of them had been roughed up a little by troopers and officers. I was here to do the real dirty work. I wanted to question Poe first. I remember his name from my childhood. Ben and Poe had been friends, I’m sure that friendship still stood, for now. I entered his cell to find him with a bloody nose, split lip and black eye. He didn’t appear to be afraid however. Cocky, just how Ben had been when he’d been in the same position. And look at Ben now, doing anything for me at the click of my fingers. Men were easier to break and mould than they thought.
“So you’re the one in charge? I was expecting General Hux,” Poe smirked.
“The General has more important things to do than question prisoners.”
“So he left you to do it? I thought you were meant to be some feared Sith. You don’t look scary.”
I knew that was meant to get a rise out of me, instead I smiled, “looks can be deceiving.”
“So is there a Ben Solo here? We just need to pick him up and we’ll be out of your hair. You can back to…whatever it is you Sith do.”
“Bens here. But he won’t be going anywhere with you. I don’t think he would want too either.”
“Whatever you’ve done to him-“
“You’ll what? You’re a pilot, not a soldier.”
I obviously couldn’t keep Poe and his companion alive, but they could be of some use. Poe could give me information about the resistance, any weaknesses and future plans that we could intercept. And perhaps Ben could help. It would reassure me that he was still on my side. But first Poe would get one chance to talk. If he didn’t then I would to use the force.
“I’m going to give you an offer. I want you to tell me everything there is about the resistance and then I’ll let you go. If you don’t then I’ll have to resort to more…painful ways,” I explained.
“I told you already, you’re not scary.”
I smiled. Spite was such a good motivator. Once I was done with him, he’d be screaming. All men ended up screaming once I was done with them. I closed my eyes and focused on Ben, finding him in his bedroom like usual.
“I need you to come down to the holding cells now,” I spoke.
"Why?”
“Got a friend of yours here. A pilot.”
I could feel his confusion, but I knew his curiosity would bring him here.
“You want to see Ben so badly, I thought he could join us,” I mentioned.
Poe seemed cautious at this, unsure of what was about to transpire. Eventually there was a soft knock at the door signalling Bens arrival. I opened the door with the force, allowing him entry. Ben cautiously entered the room before I closed the door behind him. Ben took in the scene before him, remaining silent. Poe smiled at him as if to reassure him, he was okay. He wouldn’t be soon. His cockiness was starting to get on my nerves.
“Hey Ben, long time no see,” Poe joked, “this isn't quite the reunion I had in mind.”
I smirked at this, waiting for Ben to say something. He avoided eye contact with Poe and refused to look at me. He was afraid of how Poe would react to our relationship. He knew that he would finally be found out. I should have probably comforted him, but I didn’t understand his fear. It wouldn’t matter that Poe knew. I’d kill him once he was useless.
“I figured you might be able to help me loosen his tongue,” I explained.
Finally Ben looked at me, with a deer in the headlights look. I almost laughed. He thought that I wanted him to torture Poe. No, I wanted to do that myself. It would good practice for what was to come. However, Ben’s attitude towards me was starting to get irritating. It made me feel like I’d done something wrong, that confessing my feelings for him had been a mistake. I took on the dominatrix stance, cocking my head at him and shooting him a look of disappointment. Perhaps then he would conform.
“I’m not asking you to do anything, I just wanted your presence. That should be enough,” I said coldly.
Without even turning to look at Poe, I forced myself into his mind. Poe tensed from the feeling, it wouldn’t be long till he was crying. It hadn't taken me long when Snoke had done it. It was easy flipping through his memories and thoughts like pages of a book. Poe attempted to resist as well as remain silent. I found a memory of his mother, she was a pretty woman, tanned, dark hair like her son. She was giving him a pep talk before his first flight, making him promise he would come home to her in one piece. Poe glared daggers at me for watching such a personal moment. I swatted the memory away, continuing my search.
“Stop it,” Ben protested.
I ignored him, doubling my efforts. Poe jerked from the sudden pain, breathing heavily. The next memory was of Poe as a child, around the age of ten. He was with Ben, saying goodbye to his best friend as Leia and Han were about to dump their only child at a Jedi temple for training. This was before Ben and I had met. Both of them seemed sad to see the other go. Both of them promising they wouldn’t forget the other like most children did. And yet Ben hadn’t seemed upset upon arriving at the Jedi temple, quickly forgetting about Poe as he striked up a friendship with me.
“Cora stop please,” Ben pleaded.
This time I listened, stepping out of Poe’s thoughts and letting him go. He went limp against the metal frame.
“He came here to rescue you. Why don’t you tell him that you aren’t in need of rescuing,” I smirked.
Ben avoided my gaze, feeling ashamed of his weakness. Poe had been listening and we both knew he wasn’t stupid. I could tell he had worked it out, but he didn’t seem disappointed or angry like Ben had expected.
“So he’s been fucking you? Am I supposed to tell him he’s a traitor? That he’s First Order scum? He’s alive and that’s what matter,” Poe breathed.
“Aww well isn't he a good friend? Let’s hope your mother has the same attitude when she finds out.”
I took Ben’s hand in mine, forcing him to look at me, “if you want your friend to live then you need to get him to talk.”
He snatched his hand from my grip, “I won’t be a part of this.”
Poe managed a small chuckle, “you sure he doesn’t need rescu-“
I cut him off before he could finish his sentence, using the force to choke him. Looks like I needed to get Ben to prove his loyalty again. But not with Poe. Perhaps with the co-pilot. My patience was starting to wear thin, being replaced with anger. I had to remain in control and released my hold on Poe, letting him breathe once more. He gasped for breath, coughing as his lungs filled.
“Come, we have things to discuss,” I directed this at Ben.
Ben glanced at Poe to make sure he would be okay before following me out of the room and into the next cell. Time to prove your loyalty Ben Solo.
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Vanlife #1 - Doubts
doubts doubts and more doubts. is this all it’s cracked up to be? i should give myself some credit. i’ve been jobless and living in a van for 6 months now without dying so that’s an acheivement. woohoo go me! but the reality is i still worry as much as i did with a job and a house only now the worries feel more significant to me, worries worth having. my biggest worry is money. still, after all this, all this change, i still worry. i was worrying with 2 grand in the bank now i’m worrying with 2 bucks in the bank. i worry what people’s reactions will be when i answer the question ‘so, what do you do?’ to be fair to those people i’ve never had a brutal reaction but i suppose i don’t say it how it feels. 'i’m struggling to be an artist in any medium. i’ve been playing music for 14 years now and still feel insecure and closed out of any group, scene or circuit that i believe to have the ability of pushing me forward in to making a self sufficient career out of what i do. i also paint and make jewellery but have only made single digit sales in the last 6 months which makes me feel inferior with that’ i don’t suck at what i do, i’m not that low about it. i just wonder if there’s any particular aspect of what i do which is actually worth pursuing, one that means more than the rest, one that makes more of an impact. or maybe i haven’t found my audience yet, for any of this. i mean, a few people have bought my art and i’ve played plenty of shows without people walking out. that gets me thinking it’s me. i’m a slacker. i’m not hitting this with all the brute force it needs to knock that ball out of the park and break the bat in to splinters. if so i think my slacking is due to my disbelief in myself. so i’m holding myself back. there you go, i’ve solved the predicament in front of you. my mind is like a circus. or a shoe store; i flip flop between mind sets faster than they can bring them out from the stock room. currently the van isn’t moving, few more tweaks on the engine and it’s good to go again after 3 months, so i’ve put a pin in booking gigs until i have a reliable set of wheels. the painting is slow as i’ve no more canvases; i’ve painted over a few old pieces that i wasn’t happy with the moment i’d finished them but i’m reluctant to paint over any others. i feel it’s important to hold on to any evidence of your development to remind you and others how far you’ve come, mainly yourself though. writing is another outlet i immerse myself in but who the fuck ever reads it? i keep talking about compiling a booklet of short written pieces but my enthusiasm for it peters out pretty quickly. i guess everything i’m doing just needs to be loud and thrown in people’s faces and shoved down their throats. don’t give them an option to refuse.
this van is my home. i know that much. i share it with Luna who is the only name or word in this piece that deserves a capital letter. she works the work and brings in the money. it’s a stretch every month and she says the job is to save enough so we can go travelling more like we did initially in the summer. i’ll be a janitor. that’s what i’ve been thinking most about today. i’ll work some dirt job somewhere for whatever money so long as it injects some life in to this dream. i feel bad that Luna is the one who has to work hard, come back to a cold van aching and still not be able to spend her money on everything she wants. neither of us are materialistic but i guess it’s still a drag to not have that option. perhaps that’s a bigger problem for me than it is for her. i supported us before and she supports us now. swings and roundabouts and crippling doubts. at least Luna is the one thing i don’t have to doubt. sometimes this van, but i feel at this point i’m too far in to turn my back on Milhouse. We brought this van back to life. We gutted it, scraped off the rust, patched up the holes, cleaned up the mould and left our mark on him. Milhouse is part of the family. me, Luna and Milhouse, the second name that is worthy of correct punctuation. so while i type this journal entry with cold fingers inside the van, inside Milhouse, while Luna is at work things are a little clearer in my mind. believe in yourself, work hard, work harder, create the world around that you want to live in and can survive in and ultimately…
…i paused and thought of a dramatic end to all this. nothing. i looked around the van for inspiration and noticed my phone flickering with a notification. 'and ultimately…forget about social media’ was my first thought before i realised it was tumblr, the only place i do post my writing. probably the app telling me 'this cool person really liked this post!’ but wait, what the hell kind of ego boost is this? 2 new post likes?! i normally swipe them without seeing who’s liked what. i have one post, 'I Don’t Miss You’, which does a lot better than anything else. guess there’s a lot of lonely people on tumblr. there’s a lot of lonely people everywhere but at least tumblr acts as a gathering spot so people can be lonely together and bask in that hollow empty feeling. i figure it’s worth seeing what’s hot on my tumblr activity, might push me to think of the last word for that previous paragraph. well holy shit. turns out i’ve been ignoring notifications for a fair while. there’s more than i expected, and i’m not bragging to see i’m internet famous, i’m just saying it was a surprise. sure 'I Don’t Miss You’ has a few more favourites but it’s a mixed bag with some new follows. goes to show doesn’t it? so to finish off that previous paragraph, ultimately…fuck your doubts. fuck that stupid side of your brain that makes you question your entire being. keep on ploughing through and you’ll make it through the winter with a story worth writing.
#vanlife#doubts#self doubt#doubt#struggle#blues#art#music#writer#musician#artist#home#milhouse#create#inspire#tumblr#lonely#loner#sad#i dont miss you#confidence#ego#believe#belief#self worth#self love#winter
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