#like with felix pale blue came to mind.... chan is black but i also love him in white | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cotccotc · 3 years

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genre/s: felix x barista!reader (gender neutral), fluff, angst, coworkers to lovers au, bakery / barista au (feat. baker / bff!minho, (strict) manager!chan, barista!jeongin, and baker!seungmin)

wc: 6.9k 😎

warnings: many mentions of food (specifically sweets such as cupcakes, brownies, cookies, etc.), some swearing, arguing, probably very poor editing oops <3

a/n: this is part of the @districtninewriters “dear skz, with love” event :D THIS IS ALSO THE LONGEST FIC I’VE EVER WRITTEN AHHH i’m really really proud of it !!! i hope u love it besties !!!!!!!!

it was a frostbitten february evening when you met the boy at the bakery.

you were seated upon the counter, back turned to the deep brown door through which you’d first entered months ago, eager to apply for a barista position. minho sat across from you on the cashier stool. he was always better with the baked goods. you were a great team. the two of you were bored; a familiar feeling that accompanied weeknights at the bakery-cafe. people tended to arrive either in the morning time or late in the afternoon, and very seldom later. plus, your manager trusted the two of you enough to lock up on your own. and so, the two of you would be left to your own devices for a few measly hours a night per week.

“i bet you couldn’t make a batch of sugar biscuits without instructions,” he teased with a snarky grin. he was right. that was more his thing than yours.

so, you retaliated. “i bet you can’t do the same with a mocha frappe. or even simpler: an iced americano.”

“please!”

“oh yeah? step right up, biscuit boy,” you retorted with a giggle, gesturing to the coffee maker that sat beside him. there were multiple in the shop, and truth be told, he had no idea which was used for what types of beverages.

confidently, he grabbed a cup from the stack on the table behind him, striding over to one of the machines. he then took a look at all the knobs and buttons, clearing his throat. you chuckled. with his finger ghosting over one of the buttons, he turned back toward you to check for your reaction. “not even close,” you remarked. he clicked his tongue, turning back toward the coffee maker. “just a hint,” you added, “the first step isn’t coffee.”

he simply looked up, bewildered. he turned back toward you, dropping his hands to his sides and parting his lips into a circular expression of disbelief.

suddenly, the sparkling tone of the door chime behind you caught both of your attention. peculiar. nobody was usually around at that hour. as minho put his cup back on the table, you hopped off the counter, turning toward the front of the store.

in walked one of the most strikingly handsome boys you think you’ve ever seen. if not the most handsome. an angular face; fair, slightly pink-tinted skin decorated with the most endearing assortment of freckles. they were almost reminiscent of the chocolate sprinkles minho used to top off the cupcakes situated inside the glass counter case. his hair was a vanilla blond and long enough to delicately cascade over the side edges of his face. cherry red lips that parted upon his arrival, chocolatey brown eyes staring right back at yours. he was astonishing.

“how can we help you?” minho asked him, stepping forward. he couldn’t help but notice the way your eyes seemed to be bugging out of your head. he had to stifle a chuckle or two.

the boy’s eyes lingered on yours for a moment. or maybe you dreamed it that way. regardless, he walked up to the counter, inquisitively placing his hands behind his back and bent over to glance at the contents of the case. “hi! uh…” he seemed sweet, though his voice was much deeper than you’d expected. it was unique. he was unique. and in quite a rush, as well. “...shit,” he cursed under his breath. he seemed to have startled himself with his expression. he looked back up at you, then at minho, a tight-lipped smile and strawberry-pink blush appearing on his face. “sorry,” he said.

minho finally let out a chuckle. “no worries. what’re you looking for?” he was always so good with the customers. smooth yet considerate, witty, yet firm. you always aspired to be a little more like minho when it came to customer service.

“do you have any of the salted caramel cupcakes left? they seem to be gone.”

“ah, we seem to have run out of those. could i interest you in a peanut butter cupcake instead?”

the boy shook his head. “no… she likes caramel.”

she. there was a she.

“may i ask what the occasion is?” minho asked.

“it’s my mom’s birthday, and she’ll be home from work soon... hopefully. i would’ve made my own gift to her but i didn’t have the time…”

“enough said,” your coworker assured him. “does she like chocolate? we have a few salted caramel brownies in the back.”

he almost gasped. “that’s perfect!” he paused. “um… how much is that? i-is it more than the cupcake, or…?”

minho glanced through the glass at the tag beside the brownie tray. “nope. less, actually.”

the boy let out a short sigh of relief. “great. thanks so much.”

“ah, it’s nothing. one sec,” minho said before walking into the kitchen to grab the brownie from the fridge. an awkward silence ensued between you and the boy.

“a name for the order?” you blurted. dumbass, you thought to yourself.

“i’m… the only one in the store…” he replied.

heat rose to your cheeks. “i… um… it’s protocol-”

“felix.” he cut you off before you could embarrass yourself further. he could tell you were nervous.

a unique name as well. of course.

“coming right up, felix,” you murmured, a hint of sarcasm in your voice. both of you chuckled.

minho came back out to the counter holding a small blue box with the cafe logo on top. “you’re all set! that’ll be…” he pressed few buttons into the cash register before continuing. “ten thousand won.”

“perfect.” felix grabbed his wallet out of his coat pocket. he pulled out a few bills from the black leather case, handing them to minho with a small smile. he was excited to surprise his mother, and happy that it wouldn’t cost as much as he’d thought it would. and you found it adorable.

minho took the money, ringing felix up and inserting the bills into the register. he handed felix the box, which made the boy’s face light up even more. it was hard for you to suppress a similar countenance. “i hope she likes it. have a good night!” minho said, closing the register. he crossed his arms and leaned on the counter as felix waved to the both of you and began walking back toward the door.

“thanks so much. you too,” he said, giving minho a small bow.

with his hand on the door, he glanced back at you once more. you smiled. he returned the expression. and just like that, with a brief gust of cold air sweeping through the shop, the boy was gone.

“you, uh… you know we only take names when there’s a line, right?” minho teased as the door shut, the chime letting out what seemed to be a pitied laugh.

you held your hands up to your forehead. “ugh, i know! i’m such an idiot,” you replied, letting your nerves go with a chuckle. he patted you on the shoulder, laughing with you.

in between laughs, he remarked, “he really made you that nervous, huh?”

“you could tell?! oh, great… wonderful!”

the two of you carried on for a moment, making light of the otherwise mortifying exchange. but finally, minho glanced at the clock and asked, “would you mind locking up tonight? i’ve got a date.”

“ooh!” you cooed, taunting him. “a date... who’s the not-so-lucky lady?”

“what joke book did you get that one from, hm? i had no idea you even knew how to read!” you gave him a playful punch in the arm for his sarcastic dig, causing him to giggle. yet, he answered your question, saying, “it’s a girl i met on the train home from school the other night. chaeyoung.” he looked off to the side, seemingly entranced. “she’s really witty and smart… and gorgeous. like... gorgeous.”

“ah, yes… so gorgeous that it causes men to leave their posts… and friends…”

“if i bring you back some takeout, will you quit being an ass?”

you pondered the question for a moment. and, while you’d be bored as hell in his absence, closing up the shop wasn’t much of a hassle on weeknights… and, well, you could always go for a free meal. “...pleasure doing business with you, lee minho.”

“thank you. as with you,” he commented in return. he took off the periwinkle blue, involuntarily worn apron which you’ve both been made to wear, revealing what you hadn’t even noticed was a dressy outfit. well, dressier than usual. he’d opted for a pale blue button-up shirt, tucked into black skinny jeans, all tied together by a chic black belt and a pair of black loafers. not to mention the small silver hoop earrings and matching necklace. you had to admit, he did look dapper.

he quickly strode to the back of the kitchen at which there resided a small storage room where you and the other employees usually dropped off your belongings. he grabbed his backpack and put on his long black coat, quickly making his way back up to the counter and walking around to the front of the store. “catch you tomorrow! thanks again.”

“takeout! don’t forget!”

“i couldn’t even if i tried,” he retorted, opening the door. the two of you waved to each other before he took his leave.

moments later, the door opened once again. you figured minho must’ve forgotten something. looking up, you began to ask, “what’d you forget this ti-”

it wasn’t minho.

it was felix.

he paused in his footing, little blue box still in hand. you jumped just a little. he noticed. “s-sorry… i just, um…” he looked off to the side. “i guess this is a bit of a long shot... considering the two of you seem to be more than enough staff… but…” he paused again, taking a moment to straighten his posture and scratch the back of his head. “is there any chance you might be hiring… any time soon?”

the answer was no. undoubtedly. he was right in thinking that you, minho, and the other employees were perfectly capable of handling the cafe. though some mornings and weekends were a bit tight, the team made it work. if this was anybody else, you could’ve easily said no.

yet, he persisted. “i can bake! i like to think i’ve been getting better at it… and i can clean as well.”

you couldn’t turn him down. you simply couldn’t. not with those kind eyes locking themselves with yours, the enthusiasm in his deep voice, or the hastening beat of your heart. “i’ll talk to my manager!” you affirmed. you smiled, causing a similar reaction out of him. an idea popped into your mind. if only for a moment, you thought it was the best you’d ever had. your eyes averted themselves to the pale yellow note pad and ballpoint pen on the counter, used to take orders from seated customers. “here,” you said, reaching for the pen and paper and handing it to felix. “if you’ll give me your number, i can text you with any updates.”

he walked back up to the counter for the second time that night, taking his number down on the pad. as you watched him intently, eyes fixated on his concentrated face, you silently praised yourself for being so brave. especially after the whole name debacle. your heart was at its wits’ end. “there,” he said, placing the pen down on the counter and sliding the notepad back to you. “i really appreciate it.” he sounded so genuine. he flashed you another smile. he had such a grand, bright, toothy smile. it would stay in your memory for days, weeks, even months to come. you can still recall it now.

“it’s no problem,” you responded. “...i really hope your mom likes the brownie.”

“thanks. i’m sure she will.” he turned to walk toward the door. you almost turned away as well, excited to examine the style with which he’d written on the pad, until he spun back around once more. “oh! one more thing… can i get your name as well?”

the question came as a bit of a surprise. you nodded to him, letting out a short giggle. “y/n.”

he grinned again. it was smaller that time; a bit more subdued. effortfully so. “ah. well…” he began walking backward, eyes connected with yours as he headed toward the door. “goodnight, y/n.”

“goodnight, felix.”

and thus, your pursuit for a job offering began.

your manager, chan, was reluctant to accept your proposal for him to give felix an interview. however, you made note of how eager he’d seemed that night and the skills he’d mentioned having. you also mentioned how he’d been so enthused to find out the price of his order. and so, after a couple days’ worth of mulling it over, chan finally gave in.

you weren’t supposed to be at the cafe when felix was being interviewed. however, your saturday afternoon shift had just ended, and the place was essentially empty. well… apart from you, chan, felix, and then jeongin, who wandered in from the storage room to find you eavesdropping from behind the wall separating the kitchen and the dining area.

“y/n?” he asked. “what are you-”

you inaudibly shushed him, motioning for him to come closer and hide with you. he did so.

“chan’s interviewing someone,” you whispered to the boy.

“ah…” he responded, his tone hushed. “so why are we hiding?”

“because we’re not supposed to be listening.”

“so why are we doing it?”

“because i want to know how it’s going.”

“so why can’t you just-”

you shushed him again. he obliged, covering his mouth with his hand.

from the other side of the wall, chan asked, “so felix, do you have a resume?”

“uh…” felix stammered. you could hear the nerves in his voice.

“let me put it this way,” chan offered instead. “do you have any prior working experience? at another cafe, another store, a completely different place...?”

“oh! yes. i’ve bagged groceries at the supermarket on third street for the last few months. that’s where my mom works. but i’d much rather work here, if i’m honest...”

“ah. okay.” chan nodded, jotting down some notes in his notebook. “so y/n told me you could clean...”

before chan could finish, felix proudly exclaimed, “i can! i do a lot of cleaning at home.”

“perfect.”

the interview went on for a few more minutes. jeongin let out a few silent chuckles every once in a while, mocking your state of concentration. but who could blame you? you just wanted to make sure felix got the position. he seemed to need it.

you totally weren’t in it for his smile… the freckles… the adorable creases that formed at the edges of his eyes when he grinned with that sweet, genuine, toothy grin of his… no, not at all…

nevertheless, he got the job.

“i love this apron,” felix had said to you on his first day. he was quite fond of your uniform. everyone else in the shop hated them; what, with the pale blue color, white pinstripe pattern, and the ‘one-size-fits-all’ design. yet, in every sense of the phrase, it fit felix perfectly.

“i’m glad someone does,” you replied. he laughed.

“when i got the cleaning job, i wasn’t sure i’d get to wear one. but i’m happy i do.” he smiled at you, his pearlescent teeth on full display and face aglow with joy.

after about a week of training, felix became a natural at his job. though it wasn’t much, he took great pride in his work and enjoyed taking any opportunity he saw to do a little extra sweeping, some more dish washing, and even some dusting here and there.

he also fit right into the employee dynamic. every once in a while, you’d find him playing hand games with jeongin. or, sometimes, minho would discuss baking with him, as he often noted his affinity for it.

“have you ever tried using oats in your chocolate chip cookies?” felix asked. it was monday night. and, as per usual, the shop was devoid of customers.

minho looked puzzled. “oats?”

“yeah. it adds a little nuttiness. it’s really, really good.”

“huh… i’ll have to try it out sometime. i like to add a bit of coffee grounds to the flour when i make mine.” then, he leaned in to whisper, “don’t tell chan, though.” felix let out a nervous giggle.

“don’t worry,” you said to him. “minho’s only kidding. i’d never let him touch my coffee grounds.” this made all three of you laugh.

after the laughter died down, felix looked at the clock. it was four in the afternoon. “well, my shift is over,” he said. you were disappointed. hanging out with felix had become a bit of a highlight for you. he always carried himself so kindly. he had a bubbly soul, and a pure twinkle took residence in his eye whenever he smiled. you couldn’t help but feel light and airy while around him.

“hey, i’ve been meaning to ask,” minho started to felix. “do you bike here?”

the other boy was confused. “no. why?”

“oh… then, do you walk?”

“yeah. it’s only a few blocks,” felix responded, shrugging.

“do you need a ride?”

felix paused to think. “don’t you need to stay here? to lock up and everything…”

“i’ll come right back.”

you chimed in, suggesting, “i can close tonight.”

“you sure?” minho asked you. “i don’t have any food to bribe you with this time.” you both chuckled.

“it’s fine by me,” you said.

minho thanked you, stating once again that he owed you. the amount of times you’d done this for him was countless. but you never seemed to mind. and so, off they went. you were glad felix had integrated into the friend group so well. you supposed that he was just that loveable.

when it finally came time for you to close up shop having not received any other customers for the night, you waltzed into the storage room to grab your things. however, you noticed something strange sitting atop one of the shelves that hadn’t been there that morning.

an envelope. with your name on it. and a tupperware container filled with a single slice of what looked like chocolate cake.

your heart flinched. you were shocked. flustered, flushed. confused… but endeared. you hesitated. shakily, you tore open the cream-colored envelope’s seal, careful not to rip too much. you wanted to preserve its crisp smoothness.

“y/n,” the note said...

“a gift to you,

a chocolatey treat,

a token of thanks

for being so sweet.

~ me”

your heart fluttered. you ran to the kitchen, opening the container and grabbing a freshly-cleaned fork from the metal sink. you dried it off on your apron before excitedly digging into the dessert. it was more of a brownie than a cake, you realized, with melted chocolate chunks stuffed inside. it tasted amazing.

you began wondering who this mystery gifter could’ve been. it couldn’t have been minho… it simply couldn’t have. the two of you were much too close. and he was always more confident than anybody you’d met. if he liked you, you would have already known. besides, things seemed to be going well with him and chaeyoung. no… this had to be someone else. jeongin, perhaps. he did always made such high praises about your cappuccino-crafting abilities. you looked to your left and right, peering around the kitchen for signs of life. but alas, you were all alone in the cafe.

then it hit you.

of course...

felix.

you recalled the first time you met. when you had him jot his number down on the piece of paper. you remembered his handwriting; the way some characters curled on the ends, the rounded shape of his letter e, the squiggly line he used before he signed his name… it was felix. it had to be.

and you were ecstatic.

the next day, you entered the shop to find a full house. it was a saturday morning, after all. you enjoyed the breakfast rush, mainly because you got the chance to show off your coffee-making skills. you made your way to the kitchen, greeting jeongin at the counter on your way in. you said hello to minho and seungmin as well, who were busy stand-mixing and hand-folding various types of batter. they were a great team, especially on mornings like those. though they tended to bicker about ingredients and proportions, the sweet treats they’d concoct always turned out excellently.

finally, felix emerged from the storage area, duster in hand. when he saw you, however, he froze. with his eyes wide and cheeks beginning to flush, he greeted you. “h-hi, y/n… good morning!”

you let out a bit of a giggle. does he know that i know? you asked yourself. granted, the mysterious gift giver signed off as ‘me,’ so you couldn’t say you were positive… but this reaction told you otherwise. “morning!”

he nodded, smiling nervously. he gestured to the storage room. “the shelves in there are all dusted now.”

“great! i think i’ll… um…” you pointed to the room, slipping past him to stash away your belongings and put on your apron.

“yep! you… do that…” he muttered as you walked away.

however, when you walked in, you found something peculiar displayed upon the shelf.

another envelope. and another container.

you turned back toward the door to find felix peeking in. you chuckled. “so it was you!”

he stepped to the side, coming into full view. “how’d you know?” he asked.

“i just… had a feeling.” you grinned.

he paused, a tight-lipped smile spread across his face. “well, open it.”

you placed your coat and bag on one of the shelves below. you then opened up the envelope just like you had the previous night: meticulously, yet enthralled. it read,

“another dessert

for a person so sweet

will you honor me kindly,

and go out with me?

YES / NO

~ me”

once you looked back up at him, felix commented, “you were supposed to circle one…” he then began rambling. “i thought you didn’t come in until later. you don’t have to say anything right now, or at all, and-”

though you thought it adorable, you cut off his nervous prattle, stating, “yes.”

his eyes grew even wider, his strawberry tinted lips forming a circular shape. “you mean…”

“i’ll go out with you, felix,” you confirmed.

his face lit up. and yours did, too.

thus, one date became two, two became four…

by the end of february, you were officially a couple.

you were a perfect match. each of you complimented each other so well, rivaling the bittersweetness of a good cappuccino when paired with a light and fluffy slice of cake. like minho, felix’s baking abilities and knowledge never ceased to amaze you. you explained the ins and outs of coffee brewing while he told you all about how he bakes his tasty treats. he even showed you some of the recipes his mom handed down to him from generations past.

his mom sounded so wonderful… yet, a part of you felt so sorry for her. felix’s dad left when he was young, and she’s always had to fend for herself and her son all on her own. however, when she was let go from her office position the previous year, things began to spiral. she took up two jobs: one at the local grocery store and another waitressing at a restaurant in the next town. she was always so busy. but felix understood. he tried helping out, especially by working at the supermarket with her that fall. nothing seemed to get any better.

that is, until he landed his job at the cafe.

felix constantly thanked you for helping him out. chan paid him a considerable amount more than what he’d received at the supermarket, which helped him and his mother out greatly. anything would. aside from telling how lovely, smart, witty, and gorgeous you were, felix’s mission in life was to remind you how you’d saved it.

one monday, you entered the storage room on your break to find a sight all too familiar. a handwritten note and small sliver of baked loveliness, all wrapped up in a metaphorical bow of allure and intrigue. nevertheless, however, you were still just as giddy as the first time you’d received one of felix’s treats. suddenly, you felt a finger graze along your shoulder, moving your hair to the side as an arm wrapped itself around your waist. two warm, pillowy lips made contact with your cheek, gently pecking the skin. felix.

you let out a giggle. “is this for me?” you asked, facetiously.

“of course,” he muttered beside your ear, his tone low, entrancing, and chill-inducing. he kissed your cheek again, holding you close and swaying you from side to side. “it’s another brownie. try it,” he suggested as his chin settled upon your shoulder.

you did as he said, biting into the small slice of fudgy goodness. to your surprise, chunks of melted caramel oozed out of the dessert, cutting through the rich chocolatiness of the brownie with a tangy edge. you hummed in satisfaction. “a salted caramel brownie,” you noted, swallowing your bite.

he chuckled. “i figured i’d finally try it out, maybe give some to my mom… do you like it?”

you placed the sweet back into its container and turned around in his arms, wrapping yours around his neck. you smiled. “i love it, lix. thank you.”

he grinned back at you. pulling you closer by the waist, he sealed the space between his lips and yours with a kiss. his lips were always even softer and more captivating than the texture of his confections. sweeter, too.

after his lips left yours, he gazed into your eyes, holding you close. “open the note, love.”

you excitedly spun back around, doing as instructed. opening the crisp white envelope seal and pulling out the folded sheet of paper, you read its contents.

“a caramel kiss

for you, my love.

i can’t give you the world.

but i hope i’m enough.

~ felix”

you paused. you were puzzled. visibly so, you figured, since when you turned around the look on felix’s face shifted.

he took your hand in his, rubbing small circles into the skin with his thumb. he kept his head down as he spoke. “i wish i could do more. i wish i could take you out to nice places, bake you batches of your favorite sweets, get you real gifts…”

a sharp pain struck your heart. “lix…” you murmured. “i don’t need any of those things. and as far as i’m concerned, these are ‘real gifts.’ they come from your heart. that’s as real as it gets.”

“i know, love, but…”

you placed a hand on his cheek, guiding him to look back up at you. “you don’t even have to do this stuff for me. i know that you care.”

he gave you a forced, shy smile. “okay. i’m glad.” he placed his own hand on top of yours, warm fingertips pressing gently against your skin.

“felix! y/n!” chan called from the kitchen. it was saturday night, and the last of the day’s customers were taking their leave. you were standing by the coffee-makers, in the middle of telling felix about the time you’d bested jeongin in a macchiato-making contest during a breakfast rush.

both of you turned toward the kitchen door, concerned. chan poked his head out. “can you come here a minute?” he looked serious. something was wrong.

nevertheless, the two of you obliged. holding hands, you made your way to the kitchen, led by chan to the cooling racks. “what’s up?” you asked.

chan cleared his throat before shoving his hands into his pockets. “i have reason to believe that one of you, or both, has violated protocol.”

you quickly grew confused. felix’s hand tightened around yours. you glanced at him, noticing how his face flushed pale. “uh…” he stammered.

“early this morning, seungmin pointed out that we’re low on cocoa powder. now, that’s odd, especially considering we had three cans of it yesterday. now we only have two.” you both nodded at him, following along. “...so i took a look at the camera footage.”

felix let go of your hand. “c-cameras?” he stuttered. you were even more confused.

“yeah. the cameras,” chan confirmed, looking felix dead in the eye. “i watched the footage from yesterday. and the day before.”

felix gulped. “you… you did….”

“what the hell is going on?” you asked.

chan let out a bit of a sigh. “y/n. were you aware that felix has been taking ingredients from the kitchen?”

your heart dropped.

you glanced at your boyfriend. he glanced back at you. he then bit his bottom lip, averting his eyes down to the floor. you looked back at chan, calmly answering, “no… i had no idea.”

“is that true?” chan asked.

“yes.” you then turned to felix, face ablaze. “it’s true.”

“then in that case, you can go for the night. i’d like to talk to felix. alone.”

after one last unreciprocated look at your boyfriend, you quickly rummaged through the storage room, collected your things, and left. you stood outside of the cafe, waiting for whatever might happen next. your stomach was doing flips. you couldn’t possibly believe what you’d heard.

minutes elapsed. it felt more like hours. all you could think to do was lean up against a lamp post and watch the gloomy clouds shift overhead. the sun was close to being fully set, casting a deep purple tint over the whole street landscape. and it looked as though it was about to rain.

after what felt like an exorbitantly long time, felix emerged from the shop. the door closed behind him as he bolted down the steps and onto the pavement, that familiar chime sending a chill through you. it sounded almost eerie that night. out of place. taunting.

“lix,” you called. you walked behind him, despite his quickening pace. but he wouldn’t stop or slow down. “lix,” you exclaimed again. no answer. finally, you grabbed his arm, realizing his apron was gone, and shouted, “felix! slow down.”

he scoffed, stopping dead in his tracks. “he fired me.”

you stared at him, blankly. once again, you couldn’t believe it.

“i tried to do something nice, and he fired me.”

“do you think it makes me feel any better?” you asked. “you getting yourself fired so you could make me little brownie experiments?” you paused, taking a deep breath. you were outraged. more so with yourself. you should’ve asked how he was finding the time or the resources to be doing what he was doing. you should’ve known. “i thought you needed this job. when were you gonna tell me you were a thief?”

“a thief?!” felix’s eyes seemed to be bulging out of his head. he was surprised at your verbiage. he’d never seen you upset like this. “y/n, i’m not a thief.” you rolled your eyes. his cheeks flushed crimson. a prickling sensation began around his eyes. a stinging, almost. tears. he looked down at his sneakers. tattered white converse. the same ones he wore every day to work. the same ones on which he’d splattered a few droplets of brownie batter during his latest attempt at making you a gift. now, it just looked like a stain of mud. “i didn’t just take cocoa powder. i took eggs… some milk… a couple cups of flour here and there… my mom got demoted at the restaurant. she works the bar now. she thinks i asked for the stuff. so yeah, i did need this job! i do need it. i just fucked up...” under his breath, trying not to give into the tears that prodded at his eyes, he remarked, “‘little brownie experiments’... that’s all they ever were to you? little brownie experiments...”

you realized what you’d said. of course that’s not all they were to you. they were everything to you. but that isn’t what you’d said. “lix… i-”

“you know what, you’re right,” he muttered, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet, hands clasped behind his back, and eyes rapidly blinking to avoid the inevitable. “they probably weren’t even all that good.”

you took a step closer to him. a drop of water fell onto your shoulder from above. “no.. no, that’s not what i-”

but, as quickly as you approached him, he stepped back. he locked eyes with you once again. his eyes were glossy; tainted with the aftereffects of a broken heart. suddenly, a steady stream of drizzling rain began to fall from the night sky above you. felix’s lip quivered. yet, with a furrowing brow, he continued. “you know what, maybe this was all a mistake.” his voice cracked a bit; frayed at the edges. “maybe i should’ve gotten a different job. at a place that would pay me enough to be able to buy my own shit and pay my mom’s bills.” the rain fell harder now, coating his hair and dragging it down over his face. you didn’t even feel it as it completely drenched you as well.

seeing him like this affected you just as much as your words did him. guilt. the panging, crushing weight of guilt laid heavily upon your heart. “felix…” you whimpered, tears of your own beginning to cloud your line of sight. though, you could still see clear enough to watch him shake his head, turning around and beginning his ascent up the avenue. clear as ever. even despite the pitter-patter of evening gloom.

sopping wet, you marched back into the shop. you ripped off your apron, throwing it down upon the counter. you then walked back behind it to start preparing to close up for the night. all you wanted was to go home.

that is, until you spotted an envelope tucked beside the cappuccino maker.

a creamy white envelope, with your name and a heart inscribed on the back. and a tupperware container. a single teardrop descended from the corner of your eye, resembling the droplets of rain that covered your form. you carefully took hold of the envelope. you gently tore it open, making sure not to rip it, just like you’d done the very first and subsequent times.

“another present

for my love;

my dear y/n,

sent from above.

~ felix”

a drop of rain fell from your hair onto the page, dampening his name. the black ink began to run, the letters seeping into each other.

you could no longer control your tears. you took a seat on the floor, back resting against a leg of the table upon which the coffee makers stood. the metal was cold. but you paid it no mind. with your head on your knees, legs bent and arms wrapped around them, you cried. audibly. you couldn’t believe how you’d spoken to him. you should’ve known that he didn’t have the money to bake you these little presents on his own. you should’ve realized from the moment he confirmed it was him. at least, that’s what you thought to yourself as the tears expelled themselves from your system.

he just wanted to make you something special. yes, he broke the rules. yes, he stole from the cafe. and yes, he knew it was wrong. but he just wanted to make you something special. it was the only way he believed he could. and you wish you’d seen that. not just so you could’ve prevented it, but also so you could’ve appreciated it even more. so you could’ve seen that not only was he working overtime to make you something you might enjoy, but that he was risking his job for you and his mother. it wasn’t a perfect gesture - not by a long shot. but he meant well. he always did. and you didn’t even give him the chance to explain.

you loved him.

after a few moments of solitude, you regained your breath. you sniffled, looking down at the note. you then stood back up, taking hold of the container. its contents looked delicious. but you couldn’t consume it. not even if you’d been hungry. so, you dumped it into the trashcan beside the table. and, with a deep, shaky breath, you ripped up the letter and envelope into tiny pieces. it was a bittersweet feeling, letting go. but you had to do it. and so, home you went.

a week passed. things never really changed at the cafe once felix left. weeknights were still as slow as ever. maybe even slower. you missed him.

minho emerged from the kitchen one evening to find you wiping down the cappuccino maker with a coffee-stained rag. it was the third time you’d done it that day. twice more than you were getting paid for. and of course he noticed. “how’re you holding up?” he asked.

you barely glanced up at him, busy rubbing the same spot on the metal machine over and over. this stupid stain just wouldn’t budge. each time you’d gone over it that day, you couldn’t seem to make it go away. it plagued your mind, infiltrating your subconscious when you least expected it until you finally decided to go back to it for the second time, then the third. it was a real mood killer. though your mood hadn’t been very lively when the day began, either. “‘m fine,” you replied through gritted teeth, brows angled inward as your focus remained on the task at hand.

“are you?” he questioned, playfully. he leaned on the counter behind you, crossing his arms and watching you scrub. “you’ve been going at it with that thing for hours now. what’d it ever do to y-”

“i’m fine!” you interjected. you then paused, both in speech and action. suddenly, you were aware of how fast you’d been rubbing the machine. as well as how loud your voice had raised itself. you turned around. “...sorry.”

he gave a pitied smile, crossing his arms. “it’s ok. i’m fine,” he replied, mimicking you. it made you chuckle. he was glad it did. “is, uh… is this a bad time to ask you to lock up? i’ve got a.. uh…”

“a date?” you supposed, unfeeling.

he cleared his throat, glancing between you, the clock above you, and his shoes. “yeah,” he confirmed. “with chaeyoung. would you mind?”

“not at all.”

“you sure?” you nodded. “alright… i owe you one… or ten...” he joked, untying his apron.

“no you don’t,” you murmured, eyes drifting to the side. you almost turned back around, heart set on getting to that stain, until you felt his hand on your arm. you glanced at each other for a moment. he looked sad. sorry. he pitied you. and you hated it. yet, as he took you in his arms, wrapping you into a tight, benevolent hug, you became a little less tense. a little less angry. you hugged him back, burying your face into his shoulder. this was the first time you’d ever engaged in such a gesture with your coworker. sure, you were friends. and sure, you’d talked about some deep stuff on nights like these with nothing better to do. but this was different. meaningful. sweet.

after a moment, minho remarked, “you know i miss him too, right?” he sounded mockingly peeved. “he was your boyfriend but he was my friend.”

you looked up at him, confused. “you’re not still friends?”

he chuckled. “no! he’s avoiding me the same way he’s avoiding you.”

laughing with him, you responded, “shit… i’m sorry, minho.”

“you have nothing to apologize for.” he let go of you, hands remaining on your sides for a moment. “you both messed up. it’s not all your fault.” you nodded to him, a reluctant, close-lipped smile upon your face. he glanced up at the clock again before pulling his apron off. “i’ve gotta go. thanks again for locking up, y/n.” he walked past the counter to the front of the store. “i’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” he added, pointing at you while striding backwards toward the door.

“see you tomorrow,” you replied, waving to him. “have fun.” you still sounded a bit bitter. you couldn’t help it.

“thanks,” he said. the chimes twinkled as the door closed. it haunted you.

and with that, he was gone. nothing but you, your rag, and that unnerving coffee stain for another half-hour’s time.

you heard the opening and closing of the door behind you once again. with a sigh, not even bothering to turn around, you blurted, “we’re about to lock up for the night.”

no response. odd. maybe they didn’t hear you. you tried again, raising your voice a bit but continuing your attempts to clear up the stain all the while. “i apologize, but we’re closed for the night-”

“one salted caramel brownie, please.”

a familiar voice. a familiar, low-toned, nostalgia-inducing voice. the voice that, at one time, softened for you… close enough to your ear to make your stomach tie itself in knots. the voice that made you giggle, the voice that called you “love”... the voice that cracked when faced with the realization that it was never to be heard by you again. you spun around.

a familiar face, too.

felix.

his eyes gazed into yours. somber, silent.

“y-you...”

“hey.”

tags: @magglesx, @crscendoforsung, @stayndays, @hanniiesuckle17, @leggomylino, @freckledberries, @pixielix, @skzctnightnight, @serenityswords-main, @childofthecosmos, @changbinniee, @kpopscape, @skzwriternet, @hyunsins, @sleepylixie, @ncityluvvs, @vera-liscious (send a 🍓 in my ask box to be added for skz !)

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straykidsramblings · 5 years

Text

jamais vu. [han jisung]

han jisung x fem!reader | college!au | best-friends-to-lovers

word count: 6.9K

genre: angsty fluff

warnings: light violence (because of soccer)

summary: Jisung had a bigger problem than college gnawing at his heart; he had to watch his best friend fall in love with someone that wasn’t him. // “jamais vu: the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that one recognizes in some fashion, but nonetheless seems unfamiliar”

Finally finished with his last class of the day (and, really, of the week), Jisung pushed open the double doors of the music building before strutting out. He slowly reached for the headphones around his neck, preparing himself for the long walk to the Math and Science Complex. With a feel-good song pacing his walk, he practically skipped to the red brick building where his best friend, [name] [last name], would be getting out of class.

She was well worth the extra walk.

The campus of SKU wasn’t the most beautiful on the planet, but it felt like it even at three in the afternoon. His surroundings always seemed brighter whenever [name] was involved. Jisung felt his heart swell as he looked around at the trees and the sky. At times, he forgot he was walking. It truly felt like he walking on air.

By the time he had reached the Math and Science Complex, [name] was exiting the building, looking around for who Jisung assumed was him. Jisung was just across the road, grinning to himself. Pulling his headphones down, he was about to call out to her when a guy Jisung could not recognize waved goodbye.

The action was simple and innocent but stopped Jisung in his tracks. He couldn’t stop the look of annoyance that dawned on his countenance as he watched [name] smile softly, her [eye color] eyes lingering on the stranger’s figure as he walked away.

Was she biting her lip?

“[name] [last name]!” Jisung yelled. It sounded more angry than he thought he was, shocking the poor girl and poor by-standers. 

[name]’s eyes widened as she ran across the road with every intention to hit him. Jisung knew that, all previous irritation disappearing as [name] devoted her attention to him once more.

“What on earth were you thinking?” [name] hissed, nearly hitting him with her Statistics textbook. That would’ve hurt. “You are so embarrassing.” 

“You love me,” Jisung argued, wiggling his eyebrows at her. He found his usual spot on her left side. 

She scoffed with a shake of her head, but she couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her cheeks. “Yeah, and you hate me.”

“I do not!” Jisung faked a dramatic gasp, placing his hand over his heart. 

The two of them settled into their own pace, ignoring the other college students that passed them by. The walk to their frequent study area, also known as Chan’s apartment. It was on the opposite side of campus, closer to the music building, but Jisung never mentioned the extra walk he took to pick her up. After all, walking with a friend was better than walking alone.

“So, you gonna introduce me to your boyfriend?” Jisung asked. He tried to make his tone light-hearted, but he was genuinely curious--and possibly concerned. 

[name] rolled her eyes, but Jisung caught the small smile that she tried to bite back. “Jeno’s not my boyfriend. He’s just someone I sit next to in Stats.”

Jisung hummed in return, clearly unamused. They had come to a road crossing where Jisung paused for less than a second just to make sure [name] wouldn’t get hit. [name] couldn’t care less, crossing the road, daring the cars the to hit her.

“But you’re interested,” Jisung teased with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He really did have a bad habit of digging these kinds of holes for himself.  

[name] shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess? I mean, yeah, he’s attractive, but he’s also super popular. He just feels out of my league.”

Jisung scoffed. “With an attitude like that, yeah!”

His outburst at least got a laugh out of her although she probably didn’t believe him. Meanwhile, he tried to ignore the weird constriction around his heart.

It must’ve been allergies or something.

Dozens of conversations passed them by as they walked through the popular pedestrian walk on their way to Chan’s. [name] hugged her Stats book closer to her chest as the next wave of students crashed into the street. She inched closer to Jisung.

Physical touch was something that was fairly normal in their friendship, but, for whatever reason, Jisung found himself paying more attention to how close [name] was. He could actually smell the coconut shampoo she used. He could trace her face like a map, from her [eye color] eyes that reflected the sun to the bridge of her nose and lastly to the shape of her lips that he found himself going back to.

He blamed it on allergies.

Reaching out to grab her free left hand, Jisung playfully started swinging their arms.

“It’s such a beautiful day out today!” he exclaimed. “Let’s study outside today.”

[name] smiled at Jisung’s random actions and at the thought of actually enjoying the weather. She wouldn’t mind being outside after being in buildings all day.

“I’m fine with that, but we should probably tell Chan we’re not coming over,” [name] advised with a slow nod as she formulated her thoughts properly. “Wanna go to Felix’s coffee shop?” 

“Oh yeah, he’s working today, so we can get a discount!” Jisung cheered. Sensing the look of disappointment on [name]’s countenance, Jisung sheepishly smiled. “I mean, we can give him tips...?” 

“You know how I feel about exploiting discounts from friends,” [name] laughed at Jisung’s reaction. 

Jisung groaned. Man, he loved her, but she was frustrating sometimes. They were college kids! They should exploit any resources they had! Still, he gave in.

“You’re just saying that because you work in a five-star restaurant,” Jisung grumbled.

The two walked past a clearing, taking a right for Felix’s rather than a left for Chan’s.

“It’s not five-star, but I do know better than a guy who works at a records shop,” [name] chided. 

Jisung pouted, but he was still enjoying himself. He supposed that just proved that they were best friends. Everything was fun.

The colorless sidewalk revealed steps up to Felix’s blue cafe. While it did not belong to Felix Lee, it still held the same name of “Coffee and Dessert Felix”. Felix thought it was his destiny. The small outdoor patio had one last empty table, so the two of them put their backpacks down as placeholders while they ordered inside. The inside of the cafe was styled like a house, complete with a stone fire pit, black and white pictures that Jisung could only assume was old New York, and strings of lights lighting up the inside like the starry sky.

Felix greeted the two with a smile as bright as the lights. “Welcome! Usual, or do you two want to try something adventurous today?”

“I’ll have my usual, iced Americano,” Jisung informed Felix. He leaned over the counter, smirking as if he had said something fancy. He could feel [name] roll her eyes. 

“Bro, mind the space,” Felix chuckled, taking a step back. He looked at [name]. “For you, [name]?” 

“Surprise me,” [name] requested. 

Felix shot her a wink before accepting Jisung’s credit card for payment. With a quick hand swipe, their order had been paid for, and Felix went to work on the drinks themselves.

Jisung and [name] waited by the counter, quietly conversing about how their days were, how classes were. Since they largely had different classes, it wasn’t common that the two would see each other except for planned occasions such as their study sessions. Jisung missed his best friend, he understood that they were still close. While he had made new friends as well, he still considered [name] his best friend, and he had faith that she did the same.

Felix placed two cups down on the counter in front of the two. Pushing the blue one closer to Jisung, he explained [name]’s drink to her.

“Okay, so I made an iced mocha with half chocolate and half caramel. If you don’t like it, let me know, and I’ll make you something else.”

[name] giggled, taking the cup from the counter as she and Jisung started walking to the porch. “I’m sure I’ll love it. Thanks, Lix!”

Jisung and [name] walked back to their table, drinks in hand. When they were finally able to sit down, Jisung stretched. He was fully prepared for a nap. So, laying his head down on his one of his notebooks, he was about to until [name] interrupted him.

“We’re still going on our trip, right?” [name] asked, laughing at her friend while she pulled out her own notebooks. 

“Of course!” Jisung agreed, perking right up. “It’s the weekend, and that means no responsibilities!” 

“More like less responsibilities, but I get what you mean,” [name] countered. “Are Chan and Changbin still coming?” 

Jisung shrugged. “As far as I know. What about Lia?”

“She’s all packed up and ready,” [name] answered, tapping her pencil on the table. 

Jisung’s face paled as a forced smile naturally came over his face.

“Let me guess,” [name] deadpanned. “You haven’t packed yet.” 

Jisung tried to “cute” his way out of the situation, offering her his biggest smile. She wasn’t buying it, and he knew that; they’d been friends for too long for that to work anymore.

“Ji, we leave at six!” [name] scolded him. 

“I know! I just... forgot,” Jisung mumbled, a pout coming over as he couldn’t look her in the eyes. 

[name] tried to stifle her giggles but to no avail. “I’ll help you pack after I finish rewriting my notes for my Stats class.”

Jisung huffed. “The only woman who’s allowed to touch my drawers is my mother.”

[name] pulled a disgusted face before retorting, “Who said I was going to? Never mind then, you can pack by yourself, but, if you’re not packed by six, we’re leaving you.”

“I apologize for my impertinence, my queen.” Jisung quickly begged, “Please help my unworthy self pack my necessities.” 

[name] shook her head, the smile tugging at her lips. “You’re so dramatic. Just let me finish first.”

Jisung was pleased with himself. One of the favorite parts of his day was being able to make her laugh. Laying his head as comfortably as he could back on his notebook, he tried to fall asleep to the soft jazz music that Felix always played. He couldn’t fall asleep though. Jisung blamed it on the caffeine now in his system, but he kept staring at the way that [name] was so focused on her notes, her skin glowing like glow under the bright sun.

ii.

Jisung knew he was pushing Chan’s buttons when he kept asking how much further the older boy had to drive, but he never anticipated that his punishment would be gathering all of the wood for their bonfire by himself. With a huff, he walked back to their campsite for the fifth time with his newest bundle of sticks.

“Is this enough?” Jisung growled, throwing the sticks down in front of Chan. 

The older boy was sitting on a log, drinking a water bottle, as Changbin, Lia, and [name] finished setting up the second tent. Chan clicked his tongue. “You know, Jisung, I think you need like five more.”

Jisung glared at Chan which only caused him to laugh.

“Relax, Jisung, this is great,” Chan promised. “In fact, we might have too many.” 

Jisung flipped a switch somewhere inside of him. Taking a seat next to Chan, he gloated, “Yeah, well, never underestimate us Han’s stick gathering skills.”

“Wow, you’re really scrapping the bottom of the barrel,” Changbin snorted, walking over with the two girls of their group. “With that kind of ego, I’ms surprised he hasn’t suffocated us all.” 

“Don’t be mean,” Lia warned although she was laughing. “He’s just serving his punishment.” 

“You guys are cruel!” Jisung cried out. “Can we just make s’mores now?” 

“Do you know how to make a fire, Ji?” [name] taunted, crossing her arms over her chest.  

Jisung pouted. “It can’t be that hard.”

Chan sighed, rising from his seat on the wooden log. “You guys can go explore. I’ll start the fire and start dinner too.”

Jisung immediately cheered, jumping up to grab [name] by her hand and running into the woods. He didn’t care about the fact that they had left Lia and Woojin; he didn’t care about the fact that he had to dodge the branches that blocked his route. He had one goal, and that was to go back to the same river that they visited on their annual camping trip.

Coming to a stop at the clearing, the two arrived side-by-side, fingers locked in a bond that could never be broken. The rock that they stood upon stood feet above a deep crevice in the river. The deep blue of the waters called out to them, the same rope they used to jump in hanging from a tree.

“We’re back!” Jisung shouted into the open air, earning a laugh from the girl beside him.

“Well, let’s go,” [name] urged. With a jump, she latched onto the rope and released herself into the river like a cannonball.

Jisung released a low whistle. With a shake of his head, he smirked before following her example. The old rope groaned under the weight but faithfully stayed intact while Jisung threw himself. He could hear [name]’s cheering as he plunged into the waters. The shock of the cold hit him, and he desperately swam upwards. When he resurfaced, [name] was laughing. He shook his hair out, splashing droplets of water everywhere around him.

[name] was swimming around in the water, checking over her shoulder to see where Jisung was. The boy let out a hearty yell.

“Could’ve told me it was cold,” Jisung laughed.

He could hear [name]’s giggles as she reached the shore closest to her. Jisung followed shortly after. When Jisung arrived at the small plateau [name] was sitting on, she took the opportunity to splash his face with water. Jisung retaliated with a shake of his head, earning a squeal from the girl. Hoisting himself up, he positioned himself on [name]’s left. He could feel almost feel her shivering. Their feet and knees dangled in the cold water.

The girl let out a soft scoff. “You think Changbin and Lia are going to be bitter that we left them?”

Jisung pondered for a moment before ultimately shaking his head. “Nah, they’ll be fine.” He nudged her left shoulder with his right, his countenance donning a playful smirk. “Besides, we’re best friends. We do stuff like this all the time.”

[name] returned the smile and the nudge. “You’re right. Which is rare.”

“Hey!” 

While their laughter died out in the spacious woods, they sat comfortably in the silence that followed. Jisung kicked his legs under the water lightly until [name] gently rested her head on his available shoulder.

The action wasn’t anything new; they’d fallen asleep in that position multiple times. It was comfortable. It was home. Still, Jisung couldn’t help but acknowledge that it felt different this time. He was scared by the sudden thump in his chest, one so hard that he thought he was having a heart attack, but he was more scared that she had heard it.

It didn’t seem like she did.

“Jisung,” she started softly, her voice barely above a whisper. 

He hummed in response, resting his head against hers.

“You know I want to tell you everything, right?” She left the question hanging in the air. 

He didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah, of course. I want to tell you everything too... but I also understand that there are some things even best friends can’t talk about.”

He could picture her smile as she adjusted her head ever so slightly. “I’m glad you understand.” She let out a laugh, burying her face further into Jisung’s neck. Her hair tickled him. “We really just jumped into the lake with all of our clothes on.”

Jisung could feel his body shake with laughter (or was that the hypothermia setting in?). “Yeah, we did. We should probably go back and warm up before we die.”

[name] hummed. “In just a minute. We just got here. We might as well enjoy the view for a little while longer.”

Jisung made no movement to get up. If he was being honest, he was freezing, but the slight sun that peaked through the trees and [name]’s faint body heat were enough for him. As long as he was able to stay in that time in that place with her, he’d suffer anything.

When the drowsiness started settling in, Jisung knew it was time to go. Gently stirring a half-asleep [name] awake, Jisung rose to his feet. As [name] was still adjusting to being awake once more, Jisung slowly led her back to the campsite. She took slow steps behind him, loosely holding onto the back of his shirt while Jisung led the way.

By the time they had returned from the woods to the campsite, Chan, Changbin, and Lia had already made dinner. Jisung was excited to say the least. [name] even perked up at the smell of food.

As they all sat down around around their campfire together, Jisung felt the warmth and comfort that he could only feel with his friends. Seeing all of their smiles together made the stars above them look insignificant. He wished the nights like these would continue.

“He did?!” Lia’s shrill shriek of delight cut into Jisung’s nostalgic episode. His attention was now completely captured by Lia’s joyful giggles and [name]’s failed attempts to quiet her. 

“Lia!” [name] whispered harshly. She offered the three boys a sheepish smile before turning her attention back to her friend. 

“Oh my gosh, this is amazing,” Lia gushed, clapping her hands together excitedly. “So, did you say yes?” 

“Lia, we’ll talk about this later,” [name] answered, eyeing the boys one last time. 

“I’m guessing we’re not allowed to know about this?” Chan chuckled, motioning to Changbin and Jisung. 

Lia clicked her tongue, wagging her index finger at them. “This is top secret girl talk!” The smirk never left her face as she turned back to face [name] next to her. “I’m getting every single detail.”

“Alright, alright,” [name] sighed. She glanced around, anywhere other than the boys’ faces. Her eyes lit up; she must’ve thought of an idea that would change the subject. “S’mores?” 

It worked for Chan and Changbin who immediately erupted in cheers. Lia was still giggling to herself as the four started unpacking the marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers.

“Oh, the roasting sticks are still in the car,” Chan recalled. “Rock, paper, scissors?” 

“I’ll just get them,” Jisung volunteered. 

He wasn’t planning on taking no for an answer, having already risen from his seat to grab Chan’s keys and walk over. He could feel his feet and his heart dragging with every step that he took further away from his friends.

For the second time that day, he felt disconnected from [name]. The thought alone pulled at his heart. He felt a lump in his throat, thinking about Lia’s comments. If his suspicions were correct...

This would be the first time in Jisung’s life where he wouldn’t be a part of [name]’s.

iii.

“Guys, did you hear? Someone’s dating Jeno!”

“Who managed to get Jeno’s attention?”

“Is Jeno the soccer player? He’s cute.” 

No matter where he went on campus, Jisung could hear that stupid name. Over and over again, girls gushed over him like a broken record. It was possibly the most irritating thing he had ever encountered.

Especially because of the girl dating Jeno.

Jisung was making his Friday walk to the Math and Science Complex to pick [name] up when he heard the campus’s gossip even through his headphones. In fact, he had been listening to it for the past week. It was the most excruciating week of his college career.

When he reached the Math and Science Complex, he didn’t see [name] at first. Genuinely taken aback, his mind immediately went to the worst case scenario. What if she had gotten kidnapped? She would be so scared--

Nope, apparently, that was the second worst scenario. The first one was happening in front of him.

[name] walked out of the doors of the Math and Science Complex hand-in-hand with Jeno, star soccer player and one of the most wanted men on campus. She was smiling at some joke Jeno had probably said, not even paying attention to the stares the two of them earned. What hurt the most was the look that Jeno was giving her because it was the most conflicting thing Jisung had ever seen. Jeno looked at [name] as if she was the most precious person in his world, like he really cared about her.

As [name]’s best friend, Jisung was supposed to be happy that someone loved his best friend almost as much as he did. Yet his heart was a mix of pain, rage, and misery.

Was this jealousy?

“Han Jisung!” 

[name]’s voice was the only thing capable of snapping him out of his thoughts that quickly. Immediately finding her, Jisung felt his heart swell. He could feel his lips naturally curl into a smile as she waved at him from across the road, but it slowly left as she started walking to him with Jeno.

They ran across the road, [name] tugging a laughing Jeno along. She came to a stop in front of Jisung, giggling with Jeno. It stung even worse when Jeno put his arm around [name]’s shoulder.

“Jisung, this is Jeno,” [name] introduced. “Jeno, Jisung is my best friend.” 

“Hey, man! Nice to meet you.” Dammit, he had good manners, but Jisung would rather die than admit that he thought Jeno had a pretty smile. 

“Nice to meet you too,” Jisung forced out through his grinding teeth. He turned his attention to [name]. “You ready?” 

Jeno looked at [name]. “Are you guys heading out somewhere?”

[name] laughed. “Oh, Jisung and I always study together on Fridays.”

“Sounds like fun,” Jeno chuckled, turning his gaze from [name] to Jisung.

Jisung couldn’t detect sort of malignant intentions which only irritated him more. He felt his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach and his skin crawled. 

Jeno placed a soft kiss on [name]’s forehead. “I’ll see you after practice.”

[name] agreed, watching Jeno run off after the people whom Jisung assumed were his teammates. With a content sigh, she turned back in Jisung’s direction and started walking. She didn’t even check to see if Jisung was following her, what a terrible friend.

Jisung was most definitely pouting as much as he tried to deny it.

“Going on a date?” Jisung pondered, unable to look in her direction. 

“Yep,” [name] informed him, “we’re going to get dinner and go bowling. Doesn’t it sound fun?” 

Jisung scoffed, “Not if he’s sweaty and gross. You sure you want to go out with that?”

[name] lightly smacked his right arm. “He’s gonna take a shower, dumb-dumb.”

Jisung puffed his lips forward. Unfortunately, he was still walking loyally at her left side as there wasn’t a knife in his heart.

“Speaking of which...” [name] trailed off, holding her arms behind her back. She slowly looked into Jisung’s eyes. “Could you help me get ready?” 

He was torn between pride and disappointment, but he wasn’t about to show the latter (more than he already had).

“You value my opinion that much? I’m honored,” Jisung returned with a grand bow. 

At the very least, she laughed. “Lia’s busy. But, yes, I do value your opinion too.” She playfully bumped his side with her own. “They say the second date is just as important as the first, if not more.”

Jisung watched as her smile slowly disappeared from her face. He could only sigh as he realized his status. “Nervous?”

“More than I’d like to admit,” [name] confessed. 

Jisung swallowed his jealousy only because she needed him. He wanted nothing more than to wipe that sad expression off of her face and replace with a smile.

“My little baby’s all grown up,” Jisung cried dramatically, wiping away fake tears with the sleeve of his shirt. His actions earned a smack from the girl, but it also rewarded him with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. He definitely likes you.” 

“How can you tell? You met him five minutes ago,” [name] argued, kicking her feet against the gravel they were walking on. 

“Guys can tell,” Jisung replied with a cheeky grin. “We can tell because of the way we look at someone we love. And I saw the way he looked at you. I’m not saying he loves you, but he definitely likes you. So, don’t worry, and just be your usual sunflower self.” 

She thanked him quietly, and, for a while, they walked in silence. This time, they walked back to [name]’s dorm in order for her to get ready for her date. But during the time that they were walking, Jisung realized that he was actually the sunflower and that his sun was slowly leaving him.

In the two hours that passed, he found himself helping her pick her outfit, fix up her hair, and even doll herself up in makeup. When she told him to wait outside for her, he listened with only a single, drawn-out complaint. Then, she came outside, and everything made sense.

He waited outside her dorm, his back leaning against the wall. He heard the door before anything, and, as she stepped outside, Jisung felt his whole world fall into place. She looked beautiful, the way her shy smile only got bigger as he was at a loss for words. She went to bite her bottom lip, averting her gaze to the ground.

“Does it look okay?” she asked softly. 

Jisung couldn’t even speak at first. He wanted to memorize the way she looked and tattoo it on him somewhere. Maybe that was an exaggeration, maybe it wasn’t.

“Pretty...” He hadn’t even used his vocal cords, so, when [name] clearly didn’t hear him, he cleared his throat. “I said--” 

“You’re beautiful.” 

The unwanted voice destroyed Jisung’s fantasy as he turned to see Jeno walking up to them.

“You think?” [name] asked with a small giggle.

He revealed a bouquet of [favorite flowers] from behind his back, earning a small gasp from [name] and an eye roll from Jisung. If he really liked [name], he would’ve known to get her a stuffed [favorite animal]. Flowers just end up dying anyway; what a way to be dramatic.

“They’re beautiful,” [name] murmured, accepting the flowers into her hands. Looking at Jeno, she smiled. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you,” Jeno replied. He turned to Jisung this time. “I’ll have her back before midnight.”

Jisung merely nodded with a short “see you” to [name] before the two left him behind. He watched as they walked away, their back turned to him, Jeno on [name]’s left side where Jisung used to be. He felt his heart crack when Jeno laced their fingers together and [name] smiled at him.

That should’ve been him.

The thought lingered in his mind until it slowly made its way into his heart. It thumped--one beat, two beat--and he realized the truth, the reason his heart ached.

A lump formed in his throat as he kicked the concrete below his feet, dragging himself all the way back to his dorm. He tried to deny the tears that threatened to spill, but the thought of [name] laughing because of someone that wasn’t him caused a singular tear to drop.

He loved her.

He always had.

He just didn’t know.

And now, she was falling in love with someone else, someone that wasn’t him.

iv.

In the month that followed, Jisung slowly drifted away from [name]. He knew what he was doing, but he needed the time to heal even if that meant hurting the person he cared about the most. Their Friday study sessions were overrun with dates with Jeno, and Jisung had found excuses not to pick her up after her classes. His role was slowly being filled by Jeno anyway.

Chan and Changbin had tried to talk to Jisung about it multiple times, telling Jisung that [name] had asked why he wasn’t responding to her texts. He merely brushed the topic off, returning to the book he had been pretending to read. Lia would walk by with [name], calling his name, but Jisung pretended he couldn’t hear the two with his headphones on.

It was childish if he was being honest, but he needed it. It was time for him to move on.

That was how he ended up going to a mixer with Minho on a Thursday night. If he was being honest, he wasn’t paying attention to what the two girls in front of him were gushing about. His mind was too preoccupied with [name].

She was at one of Jeno’s soccer games, probably wearing his number and cheering him on. He imagined her laughing, shouting, and having fun... without him. She probably looked cute, jumping around excited whenever Jeno had the ball. She probably sat right in the front to get the best kind of view but ended up regretting it because of the die-hard soccer fans sitting behind her.

“Ji.”

The familiar nickname interrupted his train of thought as he looked up with interest for the first time that night. It was the girl in front him. She was definitely pretty, but, to Jisung, not as pretty as [name]--and he didn’t like her saying that nickname.

“I’d prefer if you called me Jisung,” he tried to say as politely as possible.

His expression must have been a little too serious as the girls in front of him slowly leaned back. Minho elbowed Jisung’s left side lightly, causing Jisung to take of a sip of drink.

He had been spacing out all night. He really shouldn’t have been there, but this was the only way for him to move on. The restaurant’s white noise was his only relief.

“Jisung, let’s talk outside for a bit.” Minho wasn’t asking.

Jisung complied, following the older male to the darkening outside. The sun had already set. The game must have almost been over. He wondered if they were winning and she was happy.

“Dude, just go tell her,” Minho told him, leaning against the stone of the restaurant.

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Minho scoffed. “You know I’m talking about [name].”

Jisung swallowed whatever was in his throat. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or fear or both. Whatever the case, the look on Minho’s face was enough for him to tell the truth. There was no point in lying to Minho--he’d pick it out in a second.

“She has a boyfriend,” Jisung answered in a low voice.

“Not that I’m supporting home-wrecking, but, if you like her, you need to tell her. [name] will do what she wants with that information, but it’s literally killing you, man. At the very least, this is for yourself to move on.”

In some sort of twisted way, Jisung could see Minho’s logic. He didn’t want to disturb the happiness [name] had found, but there would be no other way for him to move on. Nothing else was working

“But we’re here right now,” Jisung argued, trying to find some sort of desperate way out of the situation he was finding himself in.

Minho laughed. “Trust me, they won’t miss you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I just need to grab my car, and we can head over to the soccer field.”

When they walked back inside, Jisung followed Minho silently. He gave a quick nod to the party they were leaving before climbing into Minho’s car. They weren’t too far from the soccer field, but Jisung felt like time couldn’t move slower.

Was he actually about to confess to his best friend at her boyfriend’s soccer game?

It sounded ridiculous in his thoughts, but it was happening in his reality. He could hear the cheers from the stands as Minho pulled into the parking lot beside the field. He could hear his heart beating out of his chest as he walked up to the stands. He could hear it drop when he saw the middle of the field.

The score was only 1-0 for SKU, but the field had gotten too heated. The other team’s players had started a fight in the middle of the field. Benched teammates started running towards the center where Jeno was being held back by four of his teammates. The other team’s number 11 was also being restrained but not quite as well.

There, in between Jeno and number 11, for whatever bizarre reason she would explain to him later, was [name]. She looked so small among the giant soccer players, desperately trying to calm her boyfriend down.

And that’s when Jisung started running towards her.

Multiple smaller fights had broken out in the circle that had formed, and [name] was at the heart of everything.

Oh, he was definitely going to yell at her for that later, but his priority was to get her safe first before--

“You’re 32′s girl?”

Jisung was just close enough to hear the question but not close enough yet to reach her. Jeno’s number that she had worn so proudly now became a target. The next thing he heard was her scream, and that was all he needed.

He broke through the middle of the crowd where he saw [name] on the ground, terrified with a giant soccer player towering over her. She was flinching as he yelled horrible insults at her, her boyfriend, and her school.

Where was Jeno?

Jisung didn’t really care about the whereabouts of Jeno, but he did care about [name]’s safety. He ran to her, pushing past the guy who was scaring her to help her stand. He was fully prepared to fight the man who had touched his best friend, but the moment she grabbed his shirt, he knew whom he needed to prioritize.

“Ji...!” Her voice was hoarse, and it broke his heart.

He hushed her gently, reassuring her that he was here, helping her rise to her feet. Jisung sent the man one last glare before pushing past him once more. He didn’t pay attention to the shouts of anger as campus security ended up stepping in and calming the situation. The only person he cared about was the girl who was sobbing into his side as he held her close.

He managed to walk her to a quiet, secluded park before she collapsed on a bench. Her quiet sobs turned into wails as she gripped onto his shirt like a lifeline.

Rebuking her would have to come later as angry as he was.

“You’re okay, [name],” Jisung whispered softly. He pulled her closer to him, holding her like the porcelain he knew she was. “I’m here. Everything’s going to be okay.”

He repeated like a mantra until she quieted down. He traced shapes with his fingers along her back as she let out choked hiccups.

“Are you hurt?” he asked, slightly pulling himself away to properly look at her face.

Even under an old lamppost, even with puffy cheeks from crying, even though he couldn’t tell what was snot and what was tears, she was still the most beautiful girl in the world to him. The last one made him chuckle.

“No,” she answered. Her voice was hoarse from crying. “...but I want a tissue.”

Jisung laughed softly. “Here, just use my shirt.”

[name] shook her head. “No, I’m gross.”

“Just let me.”

He gently took his long sleeve (he was so glad he had decided to wear a button down shirt and look somewhat nice for the mixer) and wiped away the combination of liquids on her face. She shut her eyes naturally, reminding Jisung that she really did trust him completely. It also reminded him of how much he had probably hurt her.

“I needed to wash this shirt anyway,” Jisung explained with a shrug.

[name] sniffled, opening her eyes slowly. She turned to face forward, her arms still shaking from the experience she had just had. Jisung didn’t mention the lack of Jeno in that moment. The pained expression on her face indicated that she had probably already thought about it. In the silence, they sat under the stars. For a while, neither of the two moved until [name] gently laid her head Jisung’s shoulder.

The action, despite its old frequency, surprised Jisung, but he didn’t move. They sat in the comfortable silence, in the other’s company. It felt different than normal, but it felt right.

Despite the new level of intimacy they had experienced the night before, Jisung and [name] still treated each other like strangers the next day. They had only passed by each other once, but they refused to look at the other. Jisung only glanced back at her as she walked between Lia and Jeno to a place where he wasn’t.

At the end of his last class, Jisung turned to go to Chan’s apartment instead of the Math and Science Complex. He walked slower than usual, enjoying the sun on his face. The music from his headphones drummed into his ears as he came to an intersection in the road. He couldn’t quite explain it--he blamed it on his lack of sleep from the night before--but he chose to take the right to Felix’s.

Upon arrival, he was greeted by a confused Felix.

“Where’s [name] at?” the bartista wondered aloud, checking behind Jisung to see if she was just running late.

“She’s got plans with Lia or something,” Jisung lied. “I’ll just take an iced americano.”

“Actually, Lia cancelled on me. I’ll have the Lix specialty.”

He recognized her voice, but he didn’t believe it was her. Jisung turned around to see a smiling but clearly winded [name]. Walking up to the counter, she handed Felix her credit card.

“On me today,” she said to Felix while looking at Jisung.

“You got it,” Felix said before he turned to make their drinks.

[name] cleared her throat, avoiding direct eye contact with Jisung now that her dramatic entrance had lost its effect. “Can we talk?”

Jisung didn’t want to say yes. He could’ve walked out even without his coffee, but he knew he wouldn’t. He really was wrapped around her finger.

“Yeah,” was his reply as Felix place their drinks on the counter in front of them.

The two walked to the table they had sat at weeks earlier, the table still empty and waiting for their return. They sat at the same spots, but instead of [name] working and Jisung sleeping, they faced each other, too scared to say anything.

“Thank you for what you did yesterday,” [name] began. “I don’t think I ever properly thanked you.”

“No problem,” Jisung answered before he brought the straw of his drink to his mouth. Was the taste more bitter than usual?

[name] sipped her own drink. They were both trying to decide what to say until [name] finally just snapped.

“I broke up with Jeno today.”

Jisung nearly choked on his drink. “What?”

“I broke up with Jeno today,” [name] repeated slowly, a nod with every pause.

“Okay, smartypants, why?”

[name] pursed her lips, taking another sip of her drink as an escape. After a moment, she softly mumbled, “Because... he helped me realize something.”

Jisung didn’t need to ask what; he knew she’d get there eventually. Instead, he let the soft cafe music encourage her to continue.

“He’d always had some sort of jealousy because of you, but, today, I realized that he wasn’t jealous because of how close we are,” [name] continued. She wouldn’t look him in the eye; her fingers fiddled with the plastic cup on the table in front of her. “He was jealous because he could tell that I, um... well, I like you.”

In the moment she had said that, Jisung felt like he was going to throw up--but in a good way. All the nerves in his body switched between relaxed and tense, but mostly tense. He could feel heat not only rise to his cheeks but also to every limb in his body. He was sure that, if he hadn’t been sitting, he might’ve fallen to the ground.

Yet everything finally felt right.

“That might be really weird coming from your best friend because I know we have this unspoken rule not to fall in love, but I didn’t realize it either until today when Jeno and I got into a fight,” [name] hurriedly explained, waving her hands around uselessly as some sort of explanation.

The smile on Jisung’s face spread as he leaned over the table to kiss her. It was soft and tasted like the bitter coffee he had just drunk, but it was worth everything that they had been through so far.

He pulled away for a second, revealing a cute [name] with her eyes still closed from the kiss, and he placed another one on her forehead.

“I like you too.”

It was [name]’s turn to be shocked as she slowly parted her lips in some attempt to say something back. She couldn’t think of anything, but the smile that tugged at her cheeks said that all that she needed to.

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