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artsy0wl · 3 years

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Maul: A Broken Evil Retrospective

On a Star Wars Amino I’m in, I had made an introspective on why I feel that Maul, while he is a villain is not whole heartedly evil, but broken. I took from said Amino post, with a few needed edit tweaks.

Chaotic Evil

Of course given the fact he was a Sith and some of the decisions he’s made, I don’t completely want to negate that in this discussion. If we were to use the alignment chart (lawful good, true neutral, chaotic evil, etc), he would probably fit best in Neutral Evil. From my understanding, Maul would fit Neutral Evil as a lot if what he does has to do with benefiting himself. Even if that means using allies (i.e. Ezra initially) and potentially betraying them (i.e. blinding Kanan once the Inquisitors were dealt with). He’ll follow things as he needs and can be calculating when he needs (like his take over of Mandalore). He’s not spontaneous enough or lacks enough restraint to be Chaotic Evil (like the Joker for instance), nor is he as calculating and “lawful” to be Lawful Evil (like say Thrawn and/or Palpatine). With that said, I’d agree that Maul has a darkness/evil in him considering all of the things he’s done. Obviously, he’s not winning any hero points by killing people like Qui Gon and Satine or blinding and attempting to kill Kanan.

Onto why I feel he’s broken.

Palpatine: Taken From a Young Age and Molded into what Sidious Wanted

Whether it be Talzin offering Maul as a child in Canon or his mother giving Palpatine Maul as a baby in Legends (Darth Plagueis), Maul was caught in a situation that he really didn’t have much control over. Granted, his life may not have been much better on Dathomir, given how the Nightsisters used their male counterparts, but there’s no telling what kind of life he could have had, had he not been handed over to Palpatine. Maul was molded into a weapon as Darth Sidious’ apprentice. And Maul spent most of his younger years being molded into what Sidious wants. Only to be “cast aside” when he is presumed dead. With Sidious being his only form of human contact/interaction, it’s fair to say that Maul feels a level of rejection/abandonment by the only person he had a bond with.

However, rather than having a level of depression because of it, he’s angry about it. For him that seems to be a common response, along with hatred and arrogance (the latter of which was used to explain how he survived the Phantom Menace). Sidious created a weapon out of Maul. And with that, a character with no real coping mechanism or knowing how to let things go.

A lot of, if not all of, Maul’s issues can be linked back to Sidious in some way. Sidious isn’t exactly Mentor of the Year material. Especially with Maul. Though that could be chopped up to him being a Sith and very manipulative. He wasn’t the kindest person to the Zabrak pre or post Phantom Menace (both in canon and Legends). Either way, a lot of Maul’s issues are a direct result of Palpatine’s involvement in his life.

If it weren’t for Sidious, Maul would have a normal life (or whatever that would equate to on Dathomir). He would have had his family, would have been more level headed and maybe less cocky, and he wouldn’t have enraged abandonment issues. The amount of grief, trauma, and hatred would be vastly different

Family: He Lost a Brother and a Mother

Let’s be real, thanks to Sidious, Maul’s lost a brother and a mother (two brothers when you count Feral, though he never got to meet him). By the time Savage came around in Clone Wars, we got to see Maul sort of build his character more than say the Phantom Menace (the novels did too, but I can’t say that everyone’s read them). We also get to see Maul exhibit more emotion where, again, the movie lacks as well as the introduction of his family, Mother Talzin, Feral, and Savage. And while Maul may not have been what you’d call an “affectionate” brother, he does care for Savage to the best of his ability.

Their deaths still haunted him years after the events of the Prequel Trilogy and Clone Wars. These deaths stuck with him psychologically to the point that he is still effected by it in Rebels. Which in turn, may have contributed some to him wanting Ezra as an apprentice (among other factors).

Torture After Loss

In Son of Dathomir after Maul tries to get back at Sidious, he is captured after his last battle with Sidious in Clone Wars (season 5). It starts off with Maul being interrogated and tortured by Sidious. He makes it through without faltering and escapes with the help of the Shadow Collective. That being said, we never really get to see where his mindset is. During Son of Dathomir, he gets a lot done, capturing Dooku and Grievous (taunting Sidious and working with Dooku to fight Obi Wan and a few other Jedi before escaping). However, we don’t get to see the mental toll Savage’s death here. Though with everything going on, I guess there wasn’t time.

Now the reason I bring this up, is because part of me felt like I should and the timing. Prior to Son of Dathomir, Maul had recently lost Savage. At the end, he loses his mother. The torture and the scheming in between shows how he didn’t catch a break. And while he was able to stay strong when he had to, they never really explored how the torture effected him, which one would think he would have been.

Obsession, Insanity, Arrogance: Maul’s Faults

I do feel like I address this point. I’ve already kind of touched on his anger and arrogance (synonymously with cockiness). While training Maul, Sidious didn’t consider how arrogant he had let the Zabrak become (according to Darth Plagueis, the novel). This has Maul’s Achilles Heel since the Phantom Menace. While having a healthy dose of pride never hurt anyone, a healthy dose, Maul dose not possess.

His obsession with getting Obi Wan and Sidious is another issue. This really only pops up after his apparent death in Phantom Menace. Because after that point, Maul finds out that he was replaced by Sidious (with Dooku) and that he was bested by a mere Padawan (Obi Wan). I feel like this obsessive tendency is a combination of his feelings of abandonment and having his ego damaged.

And of course, I feel like Maul’s roughly decade long battle with insanity really didn’t help his psyche. While his sanity was restored thanks to Mother Talzin and Savage, I do feel like that’s caused more harm than good. Something like that had to feel draining after getting his sanity restored. He was sitting on a trash planet and on his own. Along with not having anything from the waist down and forced to manage with what he had. Hatred may have helped keep him alive, but his psyche during those ten years didn’t.

He has a lot of internal conflict in an emotional and mental sense. Unfortunately, these negative emotions, obsession and pride especially, cause him more harm than good.

The Ezra Bond: Feeling a Need to Replicate a Connection, Even if He Approaches it Incorrectly

By the time Rebels rolls around, Maul is older and calmer (though still proud). Obviously, he still wants to get back at the Empire for what they (more specifically Sidious) did to him. And at first, Ezra seemed like someone that he could use. This is an element that is prevalent, however, not the only aspect of their relationship.

According to Sam Witwer, Maul’s VA, Maul did have a (platonic) fondness for Ezra. And on top of wanting to make Ezra his apprentice, Maul wanted to emulate a sense of brotherhood between him and Ezra. For example, his phrase in Visions and Voices when Maul says “...We can walk that path together. As friends. As brothers.” How he said it shows how he does miss Savage and wants that family back.

That being said, how he approached this connection could be seen as manipulative and more than likely one sided. Sure, over the course of Twilight of the Apprentice, Ezra grows on Maul, to the point where Maul wants to make him his apprentice and has an appreciation for Ezra. However, his pride and lack of planning cause a rift between them and there was a lot of mistrust on Ezra’s part, not that one could blame him.

Subsequent episodes show that Maul is hellbent on making Ezra his apprentice through any means possible.

Maul lost Savage and Talzin, and Ezra was one of the first few people to trust him in years. I think it’s safe to say that, in Maul’s mind, Ezra gave him a sense of belonging or connection.

Maul’s need for a connection could be interpreted as him trying to find something good in life. However, manipulative tendencies and how he was brought up, hinder him doing that in a healthy and positive way. With Savage, he didn’t need to do anything as they both had a similar plan when they met (Savage being indoctrinated into the ways of the Sith). But subsequent relationships (i.e. Ezra), Maul is at a bit of a disadvantage emotionally and morally.

Sure, he could relate to Ezra since they both lost people they care for because of the Empire (and by extent Sidious), but manipulation and harming Ezra’s allies hinder a smoother connection. Even if a force bond was eventually made. Ezra, arguably, could have been what he needed for what he wanted and a possible change/redemption/blank slate only for things not to entirely go as plan.

Could Maul Have Something Along the Lines of PTSD?

Now, I could do a mini theory about this as I’ve speculated that with another character before. It’d be an interesting way to look at Maul’s psychology. It’s one last little avenue I thought I’d address before closing this post out. Of course, it’s worth noting that I am not a Psychology major (as interesting as psychology is). I have, however, done some research.

I do believe that Maul, to some degree, may have PTSD. But instead of exhibiting panic/anxiety, depression or easily startled, Maul has more aggressive tendencies and is easy to anger. He still lives with the trauma of the death of his brother (and mother) and flashbacks of that and other events in his life, I’m sure he’d be effected by.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while I certainly think that Maul is no hero, his life experiences certainly effected what kind of person he became. Being raised as a weapon, abandoned, and tortured would bring any normal person way down. And because that was all Maul knew, I don’t think that entirely means he’s evil. Rather, he’s a character who’s been used and abused to the point that he’s mentally and psychologically broken. Unfortunately, that effects his life in ways that make him arrogant, hateful and obsessive. And when he tries to build bonds later in life, he doesn’t know how to in a way that, while laced in trauma, has manipulative and one sided undertones.

That being said, I feel like I should round out this introspective with a little positive. While he’s definitely been through a lot, Maul is pretty resilient all things considered. He’s cheated death and managed to live through a lot of abuse. The fact that he could keep bouncing back shows just hoe resilient and determined the character is.

#Darth Maul #Star Wars #Rebels #Clone Wars #Movies #Retrospective #Theory #Speculation #Discussion #PTSD?#Chaotic Evil #Maul #Star Wars Rebels #Star Wars Clone Wars #Zabrak #Prequel Trilogy

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lightns881 · 3 years

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DTeam Tumblr Demographics Survey Results (Part 2):

What does DTeamblr look like, what does it have to do with MCYT history, and why does it look like a rainbow?

I’ll make an educated guess here and say y'all enjoyed my last post (totally unrelated to the way I gained almost 50 followers overnight). Anyhow, thank you so much for the overwhelming support! I’m so glad a lot of you felt you could relate to my deep-dive into the leading personality type on DTeam Tumblr. It took me so many hours to write and research, and as a math major and honors student, it’s no easy feat, so I’m so grateful for the attention it got!

Today we’re discussing the general demographics of DTeam Tumblr and why they might look the way they do. Number 8 will blow your mind! So make sure to keep reading and hit that little grey heart and arrow at the bottom if you like it, so more people get to see it! Thanks for your support! Now, let’s jump straight into the post!

Your Daily Dose of Data

From the 449 responses we received, these are some pie charts displaying the gender, age, and sexuality of all respondents.

Image Description: Female (52.8%), Non-Binary (37.4%), Male (9.8%)

Image Description: 16-17 (37%), 13-15 (31.4%), 18 and over (29.4%), 12 and under (2.2%)

Image Description: Bisexual/Pansexual (54.1%), Homosexual (16%), Asexual (14.7%), Other (7.8%), Heterosexual (7.3%)

Mmhm, delicious! Y'all ready to dig into these stats? Because I don’t know about you, but they certainly don’t strike me as what the general population looks like!

Welcome to Tumblr, the Only Community Where Straight Men are the Minority

So these statistics certainly didn’t take me by surprise. Mostly because the DNF Shipper Survey I took some time ago revealed a similar trend. Not to mention, Tumblr is probably the QUEEREST internet community on the planet.

Funny enough, the survey revealed a shocking number of ZERO heterosexual males respondents. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back. ZERO straight males were recorded out of 449 respondents for this survey!

Now, this isn’t surprising for the Tumblr community by itself, but I can say I’m somewhat surprised in terms of the MCYT Tumblr community. (Obviously, the survey specified DTeam Tumblr, but there is a big overlap between both communities, so I will be using them interchengably when it seems relevant.)

Let’s break this down. The survey reveals the largest age population is 16-17, though it’s not by a great margin in comparison to 13-15 and 18 and older, which doesn’t surprise me either. Some of the major critics of the DTeam Fandom and other MCYT Fandoms love to claim the fanbase’s majority age range lies with children and pre-teens. While it’s an undeniable fact children are drawn to Minecraft, it’s also a misconception to paint it as solely a community for younger viewers.

In the MCYT Tumblr and DTeam Tumblr communities, specifically, we see this is not the case. Only 1/3 of the respondents of this survey are under the age of 16 (you could attribute part of it to the fact younger people might be less inclined to participate in this survey, but it is still a notable difference). I can’t say these age ranges are similar in other parts of the community like DTeam Twitter, Tik Tok, or Reddit, but if I had to make a guess, I’d say Tumblr lies toward the older of the bunch, with Reddit being the oldest and Tik Tok being the youngest (I do hope to perform this survey on some of the other communities, so please stay until the end if you want to help with that).

One of the likely explanations to why the ages for DTeam Tumblr look this way is the fact a big chunk of the community has likely been watching MCYT for a long time (even with breaks in between). I, myself, used to watch channels like PopularMMOs, Aphmau, and PrestonPlayz as a kid, and I presume many of you are familiar with them as well. With the resurgence of MCYT in the past year, it likely drew a lot of the older viewers in addition to the new ones.

But enough about age. What I really want to highlight on this post is the attraction of queer individuals to DTeam Tumblr and MCYT as a whole.

Why is the current MCYT Fandom so queer in comparison to the previous generations?

This is a huge open-ended question and considering I can only capture so much of the DTeam and MCYT community, the rest of this post should be taken solely as a theoretical analysis as opposed to fact.

With that out of the way, let’s start by discussing the shift MCYT has undergone over the years (I promise this will circle back to the question of queerness in the MCYT fandom, but we need some background before we can come up with a decent theory).

When Minecraft was first released, it proved to be a monumental change in the gaming industry. This simple little indie game took the world by storm. It was so vastly different from what the general population generally viewed gaming as (first-person shooters, story-driven games, action games, etc.) Not to mention, it didn’t exactly solely appeal to only a small margin of gamers, those being white cis males.

The gaming industry has notoriously been known in the past for its heteronormative community and general prejudice toward minorities. Though it has gone through a significant change over the decades, we certainly can’t say it’s fully gone.

Yet for whatever reason, the recent MCYT has taken the interest of so many queer people in comparison to other gaming YouTube communities. Why? Why are queer people so drawn to this community? And, more precisely, why does it feel so different than the old MCYT? Lastly, how does this relate to the conclusion about the leading personalities of this fandom we made in the last post?

The Niche Communities of MCYT Over the Years

MCYT has always been a huge, over-saturated genre of YouTube with content appealing to a variety of audiences. It’s dominated gaming content for years, and I think we can all safely say it’s never been bigger than it is today.

So why is it that just now it feels like the queerness of the fandom is popping off? Why now as opposed to say five years ago when MCYT was at another one of it’s strongest stages?

It seems like the community has made a tremendous shift in relation to breaking gender norms and LGBTQ+ subjects, not only in the fans but within the creators themselves. Was flirting and calling a pretty-boy streamer pet names as normal in the past as it is today? Were straight gamer guys putting on dresses and a full-face of make-up as supported back then? Were “marriages” and “pregnancies” within Minecraft boys an everyday occurrence like they are now? How is it that MCYT has dominated a Twitch dating show where flirting with the gay host and among straight contestants themselves is just another bit of entertainment? Where is this all coming from?

Recently, I watched a 2 hour documentary depicting all of the stages of Minecraft YouTube and how it has changed over the years. If you haven’t seen it and you have some time to spare, I HIGHLY recommend it! It’s very informative, and it honestly gave me such a strong sense of nostalgia that makes me choke up every time I think about it. I’ll link it below.

The documentary does a great job at exploring the different niche communities that dominated MCYT since it first took off. Some of such communities include the basic Let’s Players, the team-based Let’s Play channels like How2Minecraft, the roleplay story-centric ones like Aphmau and Samgladiator, the tutorial, building and technical side like Mumbo and Grian, the PVP-centric Bedwars or Hypixel channels, the Machinima community, the comedy side like ExplosiveTNT, the parody music videos, and so many more. All of the mentioned communities have dominated Minecraft at one point or another, many of them still having a rippling effect and/or a loyal community today. All of these communities have certain aspects that define them, some of which parallel the current overtaking content in the present.

How can we compare MyStreet to the Dream SMP?

Taking Aphmau as an example, her MyStreet series had a TREMENDOUS success a few years ago, racking in millions of views and bringing in a lot of money that eventually allowed her to hire voice actors and increase the production of mentioned episodes. The roleplay series was so successful it ran for six seasons!

Now, let’s compare that to the Dream SMP. It seems like a big comparison to be making considering they appear so different at first glance. For once, Aphmau is just one channel whose audience caters toward girls and younger people who enjoy romance. The series is set-up in an episodic-format that resembles more of a TV series than actual Minecraft videos.

Meanwhile, the Dream SMP is a collection of content creators with a mix of improvised storylines and the occasional regular video that resembles more of a Let’s Play series than a RP series.

You could say the only true comparisons to draw out of these two are the popularity they had/have and the profit they brought to their respective creators.

However, there’s two other key similarities that you’ll find not only within these two specific examples, but many other channels and communities as well. Story and characters.

MyStreet’s story aspect is fairly obvious seeing as it’s a episodic series that focuses on a fictional story. The Dream SMP’s story aspect isn’t as clear, but it’s evident there is a story playing out in the foreground and background, whether intentional or unintentional, or improvised or not.

Character is where some of you might start to question me. It’s obvious MyStreet has characters. I mean, it is a fictional story, after all. But the Dream SMP? Light, they’re obviously people!

Well, my answer to that is yes and no--sort of. The Dream SMP’s story heavily relies on roleplay, bits as you might call them. Events that aren’t necessarily planned out as a fictional plot like the typical MyStreet episode is, but they aren’t exactly real. Schlatt is obviously not a villain in real life, he just likes to impersonate as one for the narrative. Wilbur isn’t crazy, but it’s a way to spice up the heroic story surrounding Tommy and him.

It’s video-game improv. Except the actors behind the content just so happen to be real people playing off the personalities and “brands” they have obtained.

Brands. It all boils down to this. In the entertainment business, without a clear vision of your project and a clear way to brand what your consumer intakes, your project will likely not find a lot of success.

There’s a reason why Tommy plays off his loudness, using an overexaggerated laugh that although may not be completely fake, it is likely not the laugh he uses everyday. Or why BadBoyHalo is this supposed innocent muffin who doesn’t understand the crafting table meme and other references that are fairly easy to google and find the meaning of. Or why Sapnap is this chaotic being who loves starting pet wars and we love to paint as an arsonist in the Dream SMP. While all of these personality traits may be a part of their true selves, they’re played up for the camera--for the story. They act as the personas that define their characters in the narrative.

They have a clear brand and vision that appeals to the audience and makes them tune in on the daily to see how they all come together. It’s like roleplaying a more extreme version of yourself, one that brings home the money.

Story and characters run across every entertainment outlet. They define their brand. Aphmau has her characters and series. Hermitcraft has a set of memorable personalities and episodic videos that formulate its own story that is less like a narrative and more of a history of the server. ExplodingTNT has his recurring cast and comedic sketches. Most of these niche communities have a form of story and character defining them. It’s how they achieve a clear sense of branding and cater to a specific audience.

Queer Theory in MCYT

Having said all that, why does the MCYT of today draw in so many queer viewers?

Let’s think about this. In my last post, I ended by mentioning DTeam Tumblr is a sort of safe haven for INFP and INxx types who might be placed in the “other” category by society. INFPs, specially, are predisposed for escapism--one common form of it being fiction and entertainment. Not to mention, INFPs are feeling types who, as introverts, seek a personable connection. It’s why it’s so easy for them to obsess over book characters or fall in love with content creators.

Now, let’s imagine a whole community of LGBTQ+ INFP and INxx types. Actually, scratch that, we don’t even have to imagine it.

It’s what our community looks like today.

And why are so many so drawn to the DTeam and Dream SMP of all things? It’s a personable storyline that essentially forms a direct tie to the viewer. Unlike pre-recorded fictional TV series you tune into on your device, the Dream SMP is a whole load of chaos that blurs the lines between reality and fiction where fans can directly connect to creators and get to know them as people through a storyline that features sub-textual queer themes and non-conforming behaviors.

The MCYT content creator community of today is more non-conforming than ever before, and knowing this whole fact, knowing that many of them might place themselves in the “other” category or at the very least aren’t afraid to break the norms and be seen in that light, is a comfort in itself for LGBTQ+ INFP types. Once again, it’s a safe space that helps you escape from the troubles of real life, one you relate to.

Okay. So although this does answer why the fans look like they do, what about the creators themselves? Are we really supposed to believe this all came through naturally? That a bunch of straight guys suddenly decided wearing dresses was something they wanted to do?

I don’t mean to sound cynical here, and I’m in no way trying to insinuate creators have solely some sort of corrupt ulterior motive. Things are never as simple as they look. However, the truth is, a part of it lies on the attention it’s gotten.

I’ve talked a lot about DreamNotFound and the way Dream uses it as a marketing ploy. I stand by my point. However, he’s not the only one who does this in the MCYT community. Why did Finn suddenly go from wearing a dress to cross-dressing as a girl for a whole week? Why are so many creators suddenly deciding wearing dresses is fun? Why does every freaking straight MCYT actively want to flirt with George nowadays?

Let’s just let Techno’s favorite word answer this for us: clout.

It gets attention from one of the largest historically underserved minority community in the entertainment business. We might not be able to see gay flirting in every Netflix TV show or guys not minding dresses and getting fake marriages, but you are certainly going to get at least one of those in every Dream SMP stream and video you tune into. It gets attention. It brings home the money. And do I blame them? Not really.

Interestingly enough, there’s a lot of analytical posts on the MCYT Tumblr community that discuss the dangers of these tactics and why gay jokes and the way queer subtext is treated by MCYT creators is harmful. Despite this, it still attracts such a huge community of queers. So why exactly would queer people actively watch something that’s offensive or harmful to us?

I have a lot more to say about this topic and the morality behind Dream’s tactics, but I’m out of breath for today, so I’ll talk about it in my next post. What better way to start the conversation about the DNF and Karlnap questions of the survey than a good ol’ discussion on the morality of queerbaiting and the likes?

If you got this far, I’d appreciate it if you liked and reblogged this post if you enjoyed it and/or learned something new! Also, important news, I would really like to perform a similar study on the DTeam Twitter Community to measure the differences in demographics across platforms. I would REALLY appreciate it if you guys could go like, retweet and share the link I posted on my Twitter about it (tweet will be linked in the reblog below) so it reaches more of the DTeam Twitter community!

However, if you filled out the survey yourself here or you associate more with DTeam Tumblr than DTeam Twitter please DO NOT fill out the survey again! I’m trying to make sure it reaches the audience that mains on Twitter, but I need a little help with that since I don’t have as big of an influence on Twitter than on here for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, thank you so much for all your support! I really appreciate y’all and make sure to hit the follow if you want to lookout for the next demographics post! <3

(Pssst, I’m releasing a MCYT DNF superpower AU longfic next month... You should totally go check out the post on that if you’re interested in it...)

#dteam #dteamblr #dream smp #dttblr #mcyt #dreamwastaken #dnf #mcyttblr #georgenotfound #dreamnotfound #dttwt #dream team #dteamblr demographics survey

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margridarnauds · 5 years

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Okay! This just came to mind BUT...fancast for Bres/Sreng, and your favorites of the Fomorians, TDD, and Fir Bolg, also, fan cast your favorite Ulster Cycle characters! :D

GOD I’ve thought of it a lot, and I’ve never quite come up with someone who FITS.

Sreng-

He isn’t QUITE as beefy as Sreng should be, and I’d actually rather Sreng not be conventionally attractive. (Personally, my take on Bres/Sreng is Bres doing a Fleur Delacour and being like “I AM GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US, I THINK.” Personally, I’d LOVE to have it be more region-accurate, as far as getting actors from the relevant regions of Ireland to be them (so, someone from Munster for Sreng, possibly Northern Ireland for Bres, etc.) and I would genuinely love to see someone who’s not white as Sreng, provided it was done well. (Emphasis on ‘well.’) For centuries now, the Fir Bolg have been coded as POC, as writers used them and twisted them into a pro-colonization narrative (”The Tuatha dé were totally right to eradicate this primitive people”), and I would love to see a triumphant reclamation of that, especially since to this day, there’s this idea that Ireland is all white (Hint: It’s not.) But again. It’d have to be done well, and I’m not sure that would be MY take on it to tell because, as is well known and documented, I’m very, very white.

But, Aidan Turner’s Black Irish, which fits some of the later descriptions of the Fir Bolg, I think he could do a really good job capturing the different dynamics of Sreng’s personality and his development. I think he could REALLY nail Sreng at the beginning, where he’s this young guy in a family that’s tearing itself apart but who is still devoted to his king as he develops into the king of a conquered people.

Bres -

I’ll be honest, I’ve NEVER seen anyone who quite fits into my image of Bres. Bres is just…TOO pretty. There’s no one who’s pretty enough to be him. Like, I’ll search for “Hollywood’s Prettiest Actors” and get “Hollywood’s handsomest actors” and see Chris Hemsworth’s face and I’m just like NO. DON’T YOU SEE? If you can picture him cutting wood outside a log cabin, that’s not BRES.

Personally, I see Lee Pace MORE as Elatha (and again, I’d rather someone actually FROM Ireland play Bres), but he’s also the closest I can come to Bres. On one hand, he’s 40 while Bres is…young when everything begins, but I think he could really sell the snark factor, and come the actual time period for CMT…he would be about the right age, even though Tuatha dé…aging…it’s complicated. But still. Closest thing. And it wouldn’t be the first time we got someone playing a character half their age.

Fomoire -

Indech-

Look. I tried to resist it. I really did. Especially given that he looks next to nothing like the actress I’ve ALREADY cast as his daughter. But like. MADS MIKKELSEN AS INDECH. I REPEAT: MADS MIKKELSEN BEING PROBABLY THE MAJOR VILLAIN OF THE TEXT, NEXT TO BRES AND ELATHA.He was going to either HAVE to be either Balor or Indech, and Balor’s…actually not that bad a guy, all things taken into account. Indech, though? Holy SHIT. And he could be BONE-CHILLING. Imagine him saying Indech’s line about grinding the Tuatha dé’s bones to dust, while Bres kind of just looks at him like “This is what I signed up for.” Him killing Duirgen as in the Dindsenchas poem, but doing it almost casually, the same as him swatting a fly.

Indech’s Daughter-

I will give you a hint to how MUCH I want Katie McGrath as Indech’s Daughter (who I have many, many feelings about at any time of the day despite her brief appearance): There have been times that the only reason I keep on with my WIP is JUST because I know she’s not getting any younger and I NEED to see her there. THE SNARK. THE SCHEMING. And, in my ideal adaption of CMT, we’d see more of her relationship with her brother(s), father, etc., and I think that she could sell it. Do I think her acting is always the best? …Not really, BUT at the same time…KATIE MCGRATH AS INDECH’S DAUGHTER. PLEASE.

Ochtriallach -

It is surprisingly hard to find a Scandinavian actor under 40. HOWEVER, I think he could do a good job, even if most of the Vikings style decisions make me want to pull my hair out. We KNOW he can play brutal characters, and Och is…brutal, though I would also want to show a softer side when it comes to his sister/Ruadan. I’m just going to have to accept that the Indechson family is one of those families where no one looks like each other (and where one of them is slightly more…Irish than the other two).

Tethra- Gerard Butler

Tfw your sister wants to marry some random ass mortal from Ireland, aka the country that you tried to invade, like, two thousand years ago, and Bres is on his bullshit and all you want to do is go fishing.

Balor -

Because redheaded Balor IS a hill I’m willing to die on. Just give Kristofer Hivjuan eyepatch and we’re good to go.

Cethlenn -

Look, I KNOW “I think you’d do a good job playing a character named ‘Cethlenn of the Crooked Teeth’ who is also the grandmother of one of the main characters in the story” isn’t what EVERYONE would want to hear, especially when she’s not THAT much older than her prospective grandson, but…I think Myanna Buring could do it. (And anyway, aging is fucky with immortals, so)

Indusa -

Can anyone ELSE play Bres’ only daughter?

Ruadan -

Because I’m almost out of young, ginger Irish actors.

TDD -

Eriu-

Alyssa Sutherland. I could REALLY see her rocking it, just from what I’ve seen in Vikings. Eriu’s an interesting figure, and I don’t think she gets enough credit for being the equivalent of a single mother in a society that…while you have different types of marriage, so Bres STILL has inheritance rights with Elatha…there was definitely a stigma. Especially for raising a son who NO ONE knew the father to. (It’s left ambiguous, but my personal read on the text is that Bres was raised by all the women and that Bres was kept out of the loop as far as who his real father was, hence why he asks Eriu later on.) I also would LOVE to see her as the years go on, watching as Bres and Elatha’s relationship breaks down and being in the state of not being able to help her son, because it seems like any choice she makes just drags him closer to his doom, and I think she could really show that, and really give us an Eriu with spirit.

Bríg-

Look, I’ll be honest here: Bríg is NOT my favorite character. It’s not that I HATE her per se, it’s just that I get rather sick of hearing about her all the time and about how she was SO OPPRESSED by her TERRIBLE ARRANGED MARRIAGE to Bres. (Note: We have NO IDEA why they married, when they married, or how long they were married. There’s a LOT of info you can fill in the blanks on. People take a lot for granted, not least being that Bríg would be the ONLY one who hated being married to someone she didn’t love and was vastly incompatible with.) Like, she has VERY LITTLE to do in terms of the actual myths, she’s not as well-documented as Bres, she doesn’t have as much of a PERSONALITY as Bres, and yet I have to hear about the self-insert version of her 24/7 while people trash my son.

BUT MY BITTERNESS ASIDE: Bríg…we get very little on her, and so I’m not going to fill in more than needed, but she’s highly associated with the aristocracy of skill. Think of it: Doctors, poets, smiths, ALL of them are the top, top, top of the social ladder in terms of skills, and she’s patroness of all of them. It’s not said whether she dabbles in them herself or not, but she’s obviously interested, and I think Eleanor Tomlinson is very good at being upperclass when needed, even though people most know her as Demelza from Poldark. I also think that, judging from the rest of her career, she could do a very good job showing that kind of gut wrenching grief she shows at Ruadan’s death. (The way I picture that scene going down, it’s BRUTAL, with Bríg being devastated for this boy she’s never really known and furious at Bres for his role in it, furious at the Tuatha dé and the Fomoire alike for their role in bringing it about.) She wouldn’t be a passive Bríg, I think she’d play a Bríg with a little more agency and spark while hopefully not veering into anachronistic territory.

I don’t necessarily like casting Bríg in particular with an English actress, but…well…she’s a good fit.

Airmed -

HELL YEAH SARAH BOLGER. Airmed is…a delicate figure. Like, think of it: She loses two brothers close together (Cian and Miach), the latter of whom she was prevented from even MOURNING because her father was still so insecure and bitter. She’s as brilliant as anyone in her family (keeping in mind that she’s the aunt of LUGH), but…realistically, you’d have to be TERRIFIED of being too smart, after seeing what happened to Miach. Like, the text itself doesn’t do much in terms of giving her a sense of interiority, but I like to imagine that, when her father says “And Airmed shall remain,” he leans over, gives her a fatherly kiss on the forehead, and she tries to repress a shudder. And Sarah Bolger is very, very good at playing aristocratic ladies with that sense of vulnerability while still being poised and elegant.

Ogma -

Doesn’t look QUITE as strong as Ogma needs to be, but I think he could sell it. He tends to do a really good job with the “second in command standing loyally by” type of roles, and I think that works really well with what we get of Ogma.

Lugh -

Look….Jamie Campbell Bower could rock it. I know, ANOTHER Brit, BUT…he could rock it. He has that kind of androgynous pretty boyness that’s kind of a main thing with Bres, Lugh, and Cú Chulainn, and I think he could portray Lugh as the bitch that he needs to be. Someone dedicated to the Tuatha dé, yes, but also brutally determined to do whatever it takes to make sure that he ends up on top. (Personally, I think he could be utterly terrifying during the scene at Carn úi Neit with Bres.)

Nuada -

I’ll be honest, my gut response was “Colin Farrell” but…I already called him for King Eochaid. And John Lynch is a good actor with a long filmography under his belt. And Nuada…he’s a tragic character, but there’s also a dark edge to him. A dark edge to all the TDD, really, and I think he could do it, as well as show Nuada’s vulnerabilities after losing the arm. (Though I’d also be willing to switch Nuada and Eochaid out.)

Uaithne, the Dagda’s harper-

Look, it was only a matter of time before I cast Hozier as ONE of the immortals; I just thought it would be HILARIOUS if, after the battle, the Dagda is FREAKING OUT because his harpist has been stolen, and then we cut to fucking Hozier strumming out a song while even Bres looks to be having a good time, and then the Dagda, Ogma, and Lugh BURST in and there’s this “Oh shit” moment. I for one think Hozier would make a very good damsel in distress.

Fir Bolg -

On one hand, it would almost be a waste given how little he actually gets, but Colin Farrell would make a DEVASTATING King Eochaid.

Tfw the TDD arrive out of nowhere and try to threaten you at swordpoint and you probably spent your younger days/your father DEFINITELY spent his younger days enslaved in Greece and so you’re sick to death of colonizers and their bullshit and then they kill you in a three on one battle but not before you leave the throne to your cousin whose brother you killed as part of a generations long feud and who is also disturbingly hot for the champion on the other side and OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

Tailtiu-

Actually had a devil of a time, coming down to Marie Doyle Kennedy or Elena Anaya (the latter of whom had a slight leg up for actually being Spanish), and then I remembered Ruth Negga’s existence and I was like “OH.” I’m not AS familiar with her work on other things, but from what I’ve seen, I think she could do a really dignified take on Tailtiu, where she mourns, but she has to pick herself up off the ground. Tailtiu is a survivor, she’s a woman who left Spain to be with the Fir Bolg (and Eochaid), and then was left a widow, yet managed to become a fixture by being the foster mother to Lugh. (And, ultimately, by marrying Bres’ grandson, which never ceases to be hilarious to me.) I think that we could get a multi-facetted side to her, dealing with her in issues of state as well as her personal life. (I would KILL for some Tailtiu VS Sreng arguments when they’re making the decision to leave or stay.)

Ulster Cycle:

This will be considerably quicker given I’m not as attached to it as my mythological peeps.

Blathnat - Evanna Lynch

My girl. My angel who deserved so much better. Personally, I think Evanna has this…kind of distant, “out there” vibe, which is probably mostly because of knowing her as Luna, and I think that really suits Blathnat.

Emer- Tamsin Egerton

And yes, ANOTHER English actress. For an Irish/distantly Scandinavian noblewoman. know. I know. But LOOK, she looks very…Emer-ish to me.

Aiden Gillan - Bricrui or Forgal the Wily

The man’s made a career being devious and cunning on TV. This is perfect.

Uathach - Freya Mavor

Aífe - Eva Green

In all fairness, THIS time I didn’t cast an Irish character with a Brit. I just…cast a Scottish character with a French actress. But look, my girl deserves JUSTICE. And I believe Eva Green could give it to her.

#long post #irish mythology #violetcancerian

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frozenartscapes · 7 years

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Strike for Love, Strike for Fear - Chiralities AU

Hey! It’s been a while since I wrote anything fic-related, and now I’m back to this AU! It probably won’t be for a while since I write anything else... The only reason this one exists is because it had been sitting in my drafts forever and I only just got the motivation to finish it. I’m actually working on an original piece right now, and that’s so far been sucking up all my creativity.

But anyway, enjoy!

Being an Avenger wasn’t the same as being a soldier, as Elsa was steadily learning with each new mission they sent her on. There was something very distinct about having to fight supernatural enemies, bad guys with over-powered suits straight out of the future, or mega-organizations of pure evil that came vastly different from fighting people forced to the front lines by their own nations. But this particular mission felt a lot closer to home.

War-torn countries carry the unfortunate circumstance of being hiding places for members of some of those evil mega-corporations. Despite their best efforts, the Avengers and other good-natured forces of the world were still having difficulty weeding out former members of Hydra that have since run off to the most inhospitable places of the world to seek shelter and regroup. The fall may have taken out most of the heads, but the interesting thing about a hydra is that for every head that gets chopped off, two more grow in its place. And most of those heads have gravitated toward the Middle East and Africa.

Elsa navigated the streets of a small town in Northern Syria, an area that had fallen to bombs and bullets as a war raged on between rebels, government, and terrorists. It was perfect for defected Hydra agents, and despite the numerous times she reminded Ross and her other superiors just how little she desired to be sent back into an active war zone, they continued to send her to these horrible places because she was “one of their best”.

God, how she hated hearing that. Hydra used to say that about her. She even had a distinct memory of the United States Army in World War Two saying that about her. Both times it served to remind her that she was being used, desired for her powers and abilities and not who she was as a person. Even now, as an Avenger and Captain America’s sister, she was seen less as a hero and more as someone perfect to send to do the dirty work - the kind of stuff that would be a PR nightmare should one of the more well-known heroes on the team have to do it.

But she still had a job. She was following a lead on a defected Hydra agent, and that had led her here: in a small town that had practically been cooked by the desert sun before being ripped apart by mortar shells and sub machine guns. Despite that, however, there were still plenty of signs of life, as people moved about their days as best they could, walking through the streets with quick paces and distinct looks of fear and dread on their faces. Her long time spent as the Winter Soldier had made it difficult to link a feeling to their actions, but slowly she was getting the ability back. And while the empathy might be hindered, being the Soldier had trained her to be hyper-aware of people making quick, nervous movements, or of people flinching at the sound of an airplane high above them in the sky. The Soldier witnessed these things, and Elsa connected the emotions.

Most people paid her no mind, and the odd person who did often made sure to keep their distance. She wasn’t outwardly trying to show off who she was, but she had been told on many occasions (mostly by Anna or Romanoff) that she had a very terrifying walk when she was on a mission, appropriately dubbed “the Winter Soldier Walk”. And as much as she was annoyed by the name, the walk certainly was effective in getting people out of her way by doing nothing but glaring at them.

However, the Walk came to an abrupt end when, as she went past the opening of a small alley, a beat up and slightly deflated soccer ball rolled to a stop at her feet. Elsa paused to stare down at the ball inquisitively, before turning to spot a group of children - three boys and two girls of varying ages - all watching her intently. One had stepped forward slightly in an attempt to retrieve the ball, but he had stopped to stare at her with panic and uncertainty on his face.

Elsa smiled, and kicked the ball back into the alley for them to continue playing their game. The boy received the pass and shot her a grateful grin in return, then turned back to his companions. Elsa chuckled to herself, amused if not slightly amazed in a child’s ability to still find enjoyment despite how terrible life could be, and continued on her way.

She made it about a couple blocks away when another plane flew overhead, this one much lower in the sky. Seconds later, an explosion ripped through the busy streets, sending debris flying and a wall of hazy yellow smoke into the air. Elsa whipped around to spot the epicentre of the blast seemed to be that alley she had just passed.

Her shaky hands quickly yanked out a breathing mask from a pocket and strapped it hastily onto her face, all while she sprinted full-speed into the horrid cloud of toxic chemicals. Using her magic, she called on a wind to sweep through the streets and up into the sky in an attempt to push as much of the chemical away from those still alive and running in terror through the streets.

She made it to the alley, and came to an abrupt stop when she saw what had become of it.

France, near the German Border, 1943

She would always envy how children were always so good at making light of situations. But then, she distinctly remembered how her and Anna used to be able to play, carefree and happily, in the small parks and narrow streets of their neighbourhood in Brooklyn despite going home to measly dinners. Perhaps it was that innocence at that age, where adults don’t tell you about the bad stuff that’s going on, or if they did, they did so in a way that didn’t force the reality to break you. Looking back, Elsa could remember how her mother seemed to get thinner, especially in the winter, and would go with very little on her plate. Looking back, Elsa could see the struggle, but as a child she had been so blissfully blind to it.

This little girl she was talking to seemed to have the same issue— or was it a gift? Her patrol had taken a small side trip to a tiny village in France, one that consisted of only a few families and most of them were farmers. It had been spared from the war for the most part due to its small size, but the battle was closing in on the helpless town fast. The Americans had chosen to use it as a strategic base, offering the town their protection in return for shelter and food. The presence of war was all around, yet here was this little girl who was so fascinated by seeing a pretty, blonde woman in an army uniform that she had boldly broke away from her mother to tug on the soldier’s pant leg.

“You’re a woman,” the girl squeaked with both confusion and awe, playing slightly with the scrappy doll in her hands.

Elsa laughed softly and bent down to the girl’s height. “Yes, I am,” she replied in French, surprising herself in how well she had picked up the language.

“But you’re not a nurse,” the girl observed.

“No, I’m not,” Elsa returned.

The girl looked her over for a moment, appearing as though she was deep in thought. “I’m Joanne,” she said after a pause, very sure and confident.

Elsa’s smile grew at Joanne’s upfront greeting. “I’m Elsa,” she said warmly, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Joanne.”

Joanne beamed. “You must be really brave,” she said, “And you’re also really pretty.”

“Well,” Elsa told her, “I’d say you are very pretty yourself.”

“Marie too?” Joanne asked, holding out her tattered, but very obviously loved, doll.

“Yes, Marie too,” Elsa assured her, only brightening that infectious smile even more.

“Joanne? Joanne!”

The pair then turned to spot a woman frantically running through the crowd. “Mama!” Joanne called, catching the woman’s attention and bringing her over to them.

“Joanne, my dear, what have I told you about running off like that?” she scolded, before turning to Elsa, “I’m sorry, Madame, she…she’s difficult to keep track of sometimes.”

Elsa rose to her feet. “It’s ok,” she said, “Believe me, I know the feeling.”

“Mama, she’s a soldier!” Joanne said as her mother bent down to scoop her child up, “And she’s really nice!”

“Thank you, for watching her,” Joanne’s mother sighed, “And I’m sorry if she was any trouble.”

“None at all,” Elsa assured her gently, “But I had best be going. Take care, ok?”

The young woman nodded. “Bye, Elsa,” Joanne said, waving a little over her mother’s shoulder.

Elsa smiled one last time at Joanne, and waved back. “Goodbye, Joanne.” To herself, she added quietly, “Hang in there.”

About a day later, she would return to that same town. Only this time it was to sift through the pieces of destroyed stone and charred timber after a bombing raid had completely levelled it.

Elsa found Marie, but not Joanne.

Elsa heaved giant boulders away, but the buildings on either side of the alley had completely collapsed. But still she tried, digging through the rubble in a vain attempt to locate those kids. But the longer she dug, the more she realized that it was hopeless. She couldn’t save them. And it made her so angry.

She hadn’t realized frost was steadily leaking from her hands, coating the crumbling cinderblocks with thick and spiky hoarfrost as she pitched them effortlessly out of her way. She hadn’t noticed how her frantic breathing was growing slower, steadier, and much more controlled. She wasn’t even aware of how her consciousness was fading, how her decisions and thoughts were becoming less and less hers — how Elsa was slipping away into the background as someone far more dangerous fed off her anger and took control.

She could hear another plane coming. Sharp, frigid eyes looked to the sky. She gave up her search, and with one, powerful leap aided by a spike of ice forming under her feet, she launched herself up into the air and onto what was left of a nearby building.

She remembered making visual contact with the plane, and feeling a surge of energy in her hands. Then nothing.

“You do realize that this is going to be incredibly difficult to fix,” Ross growled angrily as he paced back and forth.

Elsa said nothing, instead studying the various screens behind him all depicting different angles of what had happened. Apparently, the plane didn’t make it. That much she could guess. But then the snowstorm, the whirlwind of air sucking the poisonous chemical high into the atmosphere and away from the town, and the thick icy dome covering the whole area to protect it from anything else were all surprises.

“You were supposed to be on recon, Barnes,” Ross reminded her in annoyance, “That means not getting noticed.”

“There was an attack,” Elsa said simply, slowly drawing out each word so he could understand the severity of what happened.

“And we did not send you there to—”

“People died,” Elsa continued, her tone never faltering and her eyes never leaving his, “Children died.”

“Yes, we know, but—”

“It would have been worse had I done nothing.”

“But how you did things is the issue,” Ross insisted, “You took out a foreign fighter jet.”

“That was bombing its own people with chemical weapons. I had to do something,” Elsa fired back angrily.

Ross pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a heavy breath. “It’s not that simple, Barnes,” he said with exhaustion, “We have to play these things carefully, and we certainly can’t have you losing control like that.”

“Then why put me there in the first place?” Elsa shouted, rising to her full height from her chair to stand over him, “I can’t even tell you how many times I asked not to be sent back to a place that was going to dredge up bad memories.”

“Then why are you here?” he demanded, holding his ground despite the height and strength difference, “Why even bother with any of this if you don’t want to go where we need you?”

Elsa glowered at him. “Because I want to help,” she stated firmly, “I want to protect people, and that certainly doesn’t mean taking advantage of a chemical attack to hide my cover.”

“The best way you can protect people is by following the orders we give you, Barnes,” Ross said, “The international community is still on edge having learned who you are, and we’ve had to assure them time and time again that you won’t be an issue. But that only works when you do as you’re told.”

There was a pause. Ross’ words hung in the air. Elsa broke eye contact with him, but her heavy breaths gave away her emotion. The sound of metal plating scraping against more metal broke the silence as she slowly clenched her fists. “People. Would have. Died,” she said again.

“You really are just like your sister,” Ross commented with a sigh, “You, without much thought, attacked an enemy jet without clearance and created a powerful show of force and strength all while wearing a face mask. We’re trying to eliminate your Winter Soldier reputation, but what you just pulled put us back almost to square one to some countries.”

Elsa looked at him again, and this time the severity of her glare made him take half a step back. “Forgive me if I can’t help what has been programmed into my brain,” she said dangerously, “But the fact that the Soldier came back to protect innocent people should say a lot. I’m sorry I failed to listen to orders but at least I did what was right.”

“As an Avenger and a soldier, in accordance to the Sokovia Accords, you have to listen to the orders given to you at the start of your mission.”

“Even if those orders are to stand around and do nothing?”

“Yes.”

The air around them dropped so much in temperature that Elsa could see his breath. Realizing her control was slipping, she turned and took a few steps away, drawing in deep breaths and releasing them slowly in an attempt to calm down. But she couldn’t remember the last time she was this angry.

“I know it seems counterproductive,” Ross told her, his voice less hard and a little less authoritative, “But things need to be handled carefully. Simply throwing our weight around isn’t going to help anything. In fact, it might make it worse. I thought you understood that.”

“But at the expense of innocent people?” Elsa challenged in a low voice, not wanting to look at him.

“Unfortunately, yes. But the more control we have, the less threat there is to innocent people. And right now the only thing we know for sure that we can control, is our soldiers,” he replied.

Elsa heaved a deep sigh, but her unrest was still obvious in her tense shoulders and clenched fists. “I’m guessing I’m receiving a suspension?” she asked dryly, still with her back turned to him.

“Yes,” Ross informed her, “For three weeks. You are also required to see a specialist to deal with any trauma you may have faced, along with keeping up your regular therapy sessions. Any failure to comply will—”

“Will result in severe consequences,” Elsa finished bitterly.

There was another pause, this one not quite as intense as the one earlier. It was broken by Ross, who sighed, “I’m sorry you went through with that, Elsa. I personally think what you did was extraordinary, and heroic. But it’s my job to reflect what the international community has decided, and unfortunately what they decided is… Well, power is a thing to be feared. It is wise not to abuse it.”

Elsa finally looked at him again. She held his gaze for a moment, before heading out of the room without a word.

Anna was waiting for her. Elsa caught her taking a step back, meaning she had likely been standing with her ear to the door for the duration of that meeting. Elsa chose not to mention it and simply started walking down the hall.

“Hey,” Anna said as she hurried to catch up with her sister, “How’d it go?”

“You tell me,” Elsa sighed as she continued walking toward the helipad, where a chopper was waiting to take them both back to Washington.

“Well… You didn’t kill him, so I’d say that’s good!” Anna said optimistically, though her attempt to be upbeat fell apart pretty fast as she spotted her sister’s face. She reached out and grabbed Elsa’s hand, stopping her in her tracks. “Elsa,” she said quietly, “Talk to me. Please.”

Elsa made an attempt to pull her hand away. “There’s nothing to talk about, Anna,” she replied, in a tone that sounded like there very much was something to talk about.

Anna only tightened her grip on her sister’s hand, before dragging her into a nearby, empty conference room. With the door closed, she turned and said simply, “We’re alone. You can tell me.”

At first, Elsa’s stony face remained unchanged, and it looked as though she was going to walk around her sister and out the door. But after a moment her mask began to break away, and her standoffish mood was replaced with one of complete sorrow and misery. Anna rushed forward without hesitation and wrapped her arms around her sister’s trembling body. Elsa immediately hugged her sister back, burying her face in Anna’s shoulder to muffle her sobs.

It was a few minutes later when Anna’s heart completely broke, upon hearing her poor sister utter helplessly, “I tried.”

“Oh Elsa,” Anna replied in comfort, only hugging her sister tighter, “I know you did.”

“They were so young. They didn’t even know… They were playing, Anna.”

Anna swallowed the lump in her throat with difficulty. “You did all you could, Elsa,” she told her softly, “Sometimes we…we can’t save them all.”

Elsa tensed before pulling away slowly. Using her good hand she wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks. “I know,” said weakly. Then her expression shifted, turning darker and more reflective of her anger. She clenched her metal fist tight and repeated, “I know.”

“Elsa…”

“I…I hate this, Anna,” Elsa stated.

“You… hate what, exactly?” Anna asked nervously, unsure as to where her sister was going and a little afraid of the answer.

The anger in Elsa’s face broke, a little, giving way to an expression Anna could only describe as grief. “Why am I like this?” Elsa uttered quietly, almost to herself, “Why can’t I be normal?”

Anna frowned with concern and gently squeezed her sister’s shoulder. “What’s going on, Elsa?” she questioned simply.

Elsa drew a deep breath. “I failed. I failed so many times, Anna,” she said, her voice shaky and worn, “Even when I try to do the right thing… I end up making things worse. Or what I do doesn’t matter. Or…” She paused to take another trembling gulp of air, squeezing her eyes shut tight in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. “It’s like Death follows me wherever I go. People always die when they see me. I…I remember each one of their faces…before they die. I bring so much bad… But I still want to do good.”

Anna said nothing at first, instead opting to pull her tired sister back into a hug. She opened her mouth a few times, but closed it when words failed her. Eventually, however, she found something: “You are doing good, Elsa. Look at where you are, and how far you’ve come. No bad person would ever get this far.”

She heard Elsa sniffle, and felt her tighten her grip on her arms. “I just…want to protect them,” Elsa breathed. Anna felt her eyes stinging with tears upon hearing just how small and desperate her sister sounded.

The serum does things. It turns people into near-indestructible, super-powered soldiers, yes. It takes someone from being scrawny and weak to the picture of perfect health, absolutely. But it does things — to the mind. It took a while for Anna to notice it in herself, because to her, that feeling of trying to do the right thing had always been incredibly strong, especially for someone her initial size. But it wasn’t until she was thrown into a scenario where she had to choose the Right Thing for Everybody over the Right Thing for her Sister that she suddenly has an epiphany. The serum had altered her mind, making it both harder to find logic and also incredibly easy — it just depended on which side the logic was on. It was hard, sometimes, to force herself to see the other side of difficult discussions where the Right Thing wasn’t black and white but more of a grey area, because to her the answer was so obviously one way while everyone else said otherwise. It was hard, but she was trying to work through it.

She had no doubt in her mind that the thing the serum had latched onto in her sister’s brain was that need to protect. Elsa had always had it. She always was the good big sister who was at Anna’s side whenever she needed her — whether she knew it or not. She, too, would always try and do the Right Thing, but on a much smaller, more individual scale. She was the one who rescued caterpillars off sidewalks, or instead of killing spiders would catch them in a cup and release them outside. Anna remembered this one time they had found a small bird that had fallen out of its nest and while Anna chased away the cat about to attack it, Elsa was the one who gently took it and returned it home, safe and sound. Elsa just had this soft, incredibly caring soul who didn’t want to see anybody hurt. She never wanted to fight, but if she had to, it was to protect another.

That’s what the army had to tell her: she was there to protect her country. That’s what Hydra had to tell her: she was there to protect a glorious new world. That’s what the Avengers had to tell her: she was there to protect the planet and all its people. That’s what she has to tell herself: she’s here to protect.

And it’s hard for her to understand that sometimes…you just can’t protect everybody.

Anna worried about her sister on a near constant basis, but the one thing she absolutely wasn’t concerned about was whether or not her sister would ever hurt someone innocent with intent. Now, after a few years of being away from Hydra’s influence, Anna wasn’t even worried about the Soldier doing so as well. Because both halves of her sister’s soul were devoted so deeply to keeping people safe that it practically tore her apart when she wasn’t able to do so completely.

“And you did,” Anna reminded her gently, pulling back so she could meet her sister’s gaze, “You protected so many people today.”

“But not all…” Elsa said sadly.

“No…Not all. But still so many,” Anna told her, “Elsa: what you did was incredible. To hell with the people who disagreed! So many people would have been dead or injured had it not been for you. So many more, anyway. You can’t have known that attack was going to happen, and I have no doubt that if you had, you would have stopped it. But you still fought to reduce the damage, and I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Anna took her sister’s hands in hers and held them tight. “You are like this because you love, Elsa. You love so, so much. No bad person would ever have a heart as big as yours. Do you understand?”

Elsa sniffled and nodded, a small smile gracing her lips.

“Now let’s head home,” Anna added, “Let’s just…go back, order some pizza, change into something comfy, and watch a movie tonight. No news or anything else depressing. Sound good?”

Elsa nodded again, this time with a little more conviction. “Thank you, Anna,” she said quietly, relief present in her tone, “I…I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Anna beamed at her. “I’m just glad I could help,” she replied, “Now let’s go. Chopper’s waiting!”

Several hours later, and things had relaxed a little. Elsa was still a little tense, and every now and then Anna noticed her staring off at the wall instead of the television. But she had stopped shaking, and managed to eat something. So it was a small win.

It was strange, really. Somehow seeing her in casual civilian clothes made Anna just a little more uneasy than in her tactical gear. It wasn’t a bad kind of uneasy, per se, but… There was something about everything seeming normal —what with soft, grey sweatpants and a loose white tank top, hair in a carefree braid and even bare feet — but then normalcy stopping abruptly upon spotting her left arm. It was just…a reminder. A reminder of a lot of bad things but also a reminder that, in a strange and twisted kind of way, without all that bad Elsa would never be here in the first place.

They would work through this, all of the bad, together. And one day maybe things that seem normal will finally be normal.

A knock on the door interrupted the movie. They shared a glance before Anna made a move to get up. “Wait, I’ll go,” Elsa said, stopping Anna with a hand on her knee, “I’ve barely been paying attention anyway. Plus I want another drink.”

“You sure?” Anna asked, “What if it’s one of those Jehovah’s Witness guys? You always hate getting stuck with them.”

“I think I’ll be ok,” Elsa remarked with a reassuring smile, “I doubt it’ll be anyone trying to get me to join anything at this time of night.”

And with that, she headed to the door. Upon opening it, she was met with the sight of a tall, dark haired woman dressed in a spotless red peacoat, loose skirt, and high heels. “Are you Elsa Barnes?” the woman asked, speaking with an accent Elsa couldn’t quite place.

“Yes…” Elsa replied hesitantly, feeling her powers flare instinctively, “Do I know you?”

“Not yet,” the woman replied calmly, seemingly unfazed by Elsa’s grip on the door slowly cracking the wood.

“Then who are you?” Elsa demanded, keeping her voice level but it was obvious her guard was coming up fast.

“I am Diana Prince,” the woman told her.

“Diana Prince?” Elsa looked the woman over once more, this time scrutinizing every detail, “That…that sounds familiar.”

Diana nodded. “It…might be,” she responded, “But I’m more interested in you, Elsa. I think there’s a lot for us to talk about.”

Ok, I admit it: the only reason I got enough motivation to finish this is because of Wonder Woman.

Look, I know they’re two different comic universes. But I figured if this AU already has a Disney Princess getting subbed in for Captain America, and Disney’s most lovable and least-likely-to-intentionally-harm-anybody Queen of Ice and Snow as the Winter Soldier then anything is possible.

And I’m totally not thinking up a headcanon for this universe now where surviving soldiers from WWI who watched Diana kick German ass on the front lines went back to their respective nations to regale the story of a fierce warrior-woman with the strength of a hundred men and a seemingly indestructible body, sparking massive interest in developing some sort of, oh I don’t know, serum to try and reproduce the results in normal humans. Totally not thinking about that...

Anyway, all I’m saying is that I strongly think Winter Soldier!Elsa and Diana would get along. Might be a bit of a rocky relationship at first, but would eventually become something very strong. Hell, maybe they even meet each other in passing during WWII and don’t even realize it until years later.

Aaand now I’m thinking about it. Damn, do I have time for this? Maybe...

#chiralities #s-side #frozen #crossover #fanfic #now with a surprise ending!

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mnefaulkerson · 6 years

Text

‘I’m Bisexual and I Have Been Resisting My Sexuality. What Should I Do?’

(Image: Zachary Shea)

“Firstly, I hope you will respect my wish for confidentiality and will therefore refer to me as ‘John.’

I have known that I have been bisexual (leaning towards men) for a while now. I have always wanted to keep it secret (because I don’t agree with bi/homosexuality), but it is becoming harder to do so. My parents don’t mind what or who I am, but I don’t want to let them or me down. Furthermore, a major issue is my social status. Both myself and my friends are seen as ‘cool’ and I worry they may discard me. We have gone to plenty of discos together, and I have been with a fair number of women in my time.

But in my heart and soul, I want to be with them. My straight best friends. Telling them might make them realize I like them and that isn’t a risk I’m willing to take. Another problem is my girlfriend. I don’t want to let her down. She is smart, funny and beautiful (a rare combo, I know).

My life looks perfect on the outside, but inside it’s a permanent battle. Please help me.”

– John

Hi John, thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal problem. I see that there are a few layers to this problem, so let’s look at them one by one.

Your Social vs. Real Self

Let’s start with the central theme of your issue, which is,

Who is John? Who is the real John?

And does the real John correspond to the John that others know, the social side of you that you display to others?

I’m going to jump to the second question first, and the answer seems to be a “no” — no, the real John seems different from the John that others know. While most people have two sides — a real self and a social self where they show filtered aspects of themselves to others, especially to people they don’t know well, in your case this difference is so stark that it has made life a struggle.

That’s because firstly, the difference between your real self and your social self centers around a core part of who you are — your sexuality, which in turn linked to your relationships, what you can say, everything. While for other people, the difference between their real self and social self can be small things like being chatty in a social setting while being introverted on the inside, for you the difference is a fundamental part of who you are. Pretending to be chatty despite preferring to be quiet does not hugely affect one’s life other than that the few interactions with those friends. On the other hand, pretending to be straight when you are bisexual (and leaning towards men) affects you in more than just those few interactions. It’s a facade that you need to keep up with across all meetings and interactions. It affects your romantic relationships, what you can say to others, and who you can be.

Secondly, the reason we have a social self is to fit into social groups, especially when our real personality is very different from what is socially “accepted” or “welcomed.” That’s because individual social groups ultimately have their personality that may not fit with our real self. For example, I love talking about personal growth, how to live a meaningful life, and social issues that go beyond our individual selves. However, some of my friends have no interest in such topics and I don’t talk about such things when with them. I obviously my true, unfiltered self when with my husband, family members, and very close friends.

But for you, your social self is someone you show to everyone, including your loved ones. Your parents, your inner circle friends, and even your girlfriend, someone you are supposed to be the closest and most honest with.

While for most people, they are their 100% natural selves when with close friends and family, for you, you are your social self the whole time. Your social self has taken a life of its own and shaped your entire life around it. Instead of you being your real self with most people and showing your social self only in certain interactions, you are your social self the whole time and never your real self. There’s no “off” switch, so to speak. This is why life has become a permanent battle as you have no way to connect with the world as the real you

Acceptance of Self

This brings me to my next point, which is something you said: “I have always wanted to keep it secret (because I don’t agree with bi/homosexuality).”

My question to you is, why? Why don’t you agree with bi/homosexuality?

While I don’t normally question people’s views on bi/homosexuality because everyone has the right to believe what they want, here I have to probe as your view on bi/homosexuality is intrinsic to your relationship with yourself. If you identify as a bisexual but you don’t agree with bisexuality, that’s a problem — a big, big problem.

Let’s look at various views on bisexuality (and homosexuality). For some people, they think of bisexuality as a choice, where people choose to be bisexual and they are simply deviating from “God’s intended design.” For some, they think of bisexuality as a result of a person’s biology, something they are born with and don’t get to choose. I believe most bisexuals/homosexuals can relate to this. Some may think of bisexuality as a state of mind, a result of people being experimental, and it’s something they should snap out of. And then there are religious and societal views, where some religions outright condemn bi/homosexuality and some conservative cultures deny its existence.

For me, I think humans are incredibly flexible — as much as we are biological beings, we have the ability to shape our lives in vastly different ways due to our highly developed minds. I believe that there are people who are born bisexual and it is part of their biology. I also believe that there are people who adopt a certain sexual orientation due to past childhood trauma and experiences, and it makes the most sense for them in this world. In the same vein, I believe there are people who are born bi/homosexual and become heterosexual to fit in (similar to what you are going through), just as there are people who are born heterosexual and hence stay heterosexual (since this is the default configuration of society).

All these don’t matter though, as it’s about your views on bi/homosexuality. I can understand if someone doesn’t agree with bi/homosexuality if he/she isn’t bi/homosexual — without walking a mile in others’ shoes, some people may not understand something that’s not in their day-to-day awareness set.

However, if you are bisexual and you don’t agree with bi/homosexuality, then why is that? Is it because of your religious beliefs? Is it because this is what you were taught growing up? Is it because this is against what society believes in? Is it because you don’t believe that this is biologically the right way for a human to be?

Whatever the reason, as long as you don’t agree with bi/homosexuality, you will forever be stuck in a self-battle. As Carl Jung said, “What you resist persists.” To achieve the state of self-acceptance, you need to uncover your resistance towards bi/homosexuality and work through it. Bisexuality is not something abnormal, just as homosexuality isn’t something abnormal. It is just different, something that most people don’t understand if they don’t have any bisexual/homosexual friends. Unless you accept yourself, all of yourself, it becomes an uphill battle trying to find happiness outside of you.

Who Are You?

This leads me back to the first question, which is, Who are you? Who is John?

Is John the cool guy often seen with his cool guy friends? Is John the guy with a beautiful, smart, and funny girlfriend? Is John the guy with a perfect life and a nice social status?

Or is John someone more than that? Someone who transcends these social definitions, who doesn’t need people’s perceptions to define who he is?

Even though you are afraid to tell your friends and girlfriend about your sexuality, you have to ask yourself: What it is to you, and why does it matter? Because if your friends are with you because you are seen as straight, and they may discard you when they know your true sexuality, then are these friends you want to stay with? Perhaps not, or perhaps they should be seen as social buddies rather than close friends. Because don’t you want to focus on friends who care about you as you, rather than friends who judge you based your sexuality?

With regards to your girlfriend, I do think that you owe it to her to tell her the truth as she is committing herself to you by being in the relationship. You have to ask yourself which is the more important value: being Truthful, or being Agreeable (not wanting to let her down)? If both of you decide that you are not right for each other, then it’s better to break things off now rather than waste her time and your time. You didn’t mention your ages, but a woman has a biological prime for childbearing, so if she is in a relationship with no long-term future, that’s time taken away from her dating journey. Whether or not having kids is what she wants, it’s important for her to know so she can decide what to do and whether she should further invest in this relationship. For you, I believe you want to be with someone you truly love and want to be with, which may or may not be your girlfriend (since you are with her under a concealed sexuality).

With regards to your parents, the great thing is that they don’t mind what or who you are. This means that the battle you are really fighting here is with yourself, as I shared above. If your parents don’t mind what or who you are, then why are you so bothered about possibly letting them down? What is it that you are “letting them down” in — is it from not being “like other sons”? And in terms of what, your sexuality? Why would having a different sexuality be a let down in any way? If it’s because of social stigma, I believe (given what you said) that your parents’ love for you is stronger than what society or religion says. Whether or not there is negative stigma from others, this is something that your parents and you can work through together, as a family. Just because you are fearful of societal’s views doesn’t mean that you should hide your sexuality from them — especially if you have an open, honest relationship with your parents to begin with. It’s about telling them the truth and then working through this together.

Bringing Your True Self to the World

What does this mean? Does it mean that you should just “come out” to the entire world?

Well, it depends. It depends on where you live and whether the society around you is ready. In certain conservative cultures, people outright condemn bisexuality and homosexuality. For example, same-sex sexual activity is illegal in India and sex between men is criminalized in Singapore (though this law is not actively enforced). In Singapore, The Pink Dot (an LBGT-affirming event) has faced many challenges in recent years as they try to spread awareness of the community to the broader society. Depending on where you live, you may have to be careful in how and who you reveal your bisexuality to.

But no matter what people around you think, you have to (a) achieve self-acceptance and (b) give your true self a way to connect with others, even if starting in a small way. Such as only revealing it to certain close friends and family members first. Such as connecting with like-minds online, albeit under an anonymous handle, like in pro-LGBT forums, Facebook groups (this would require registering a different Facebook account to stay anonymous), and commenting in pro-LGBT YouTube channels (also under a different anonymous Google account). In a way John, you are already letting your real self get heard by sending in this Ask Celes question, so I thank you for that. 🙂

While society may not be fully ready for you yet — the aspect of you that is bisexual (because it is different from the “default” configuration that is heterosexuality) — that doesn’t mean that you should do the same to yourself. Society generally moves at the pace of lowest denominator, which means there’s often a need to accommodate for conservative views and less progressive behavior patterns. For example, environmental groups have been highlighting for ages the damaging effects of plastic use, yet governments, commercial groups, and the average person continue to condone, use, and discard non-biodegradable plastic bags and cutlery in the name of profit and convenience. Despite the emergence of green cars, most people still don’t use them because the default cars on sale are cheaper and easier to purchase. Even online, we are weighed down by a low quality of conversation because there are always the 0.01% trolls and spammers generating a lot of noise.

What does that mean? Does it mean that you should only wait until everyone is ready and accepting of bisexuality/homosexuality before you accept yourself? No, of course not. What if this happens in only 50 years? Are you going to wait for 50 years before you can accept yourself and embrace your bisexuality? That’s terrible and also incredibly damaging to your mental well-being and growth.

My advice is this: Don’t wait for others’ approval or acceptance for you to be who you are. Start to accept and love yourself, all of you, including your bisexuality. Figure out what’s blocking in your acceptance of your bisexuality, and address that. The problem isn’t with your family and their views (as you said they don’t care who or what you are), your straight guy friends and their possible rejection of your friendship, or your girlfriend, but how you see bi/homosexuality and as a corollary, yourself.

As you work on your self-acceptance, decide who you want to open up to about your bisexuality. Your girlfriend for sure, because you owe it to her to tell the truth. Your parents possibly, because they are your parents and you said that they don’t care about who or what you are. Selected friends whom you can trust. Your straight guy friends — if you are ready and you want them to know. Alternatively, you can choose not to tell them about your true sexuality and continue to hang out as social buddies. But you should most definitely find new buddies who not non-judgmental about different sexuality, because good friends are people who care about you as you, not your physical or social attributes.

As you work on your self-acceptance, you will stop being troubled by others’ perception of bisexuality and of you, even though these may continue to be obstacles in how you can connect with the world. For example, you want to share your bisexuality only with trusted people and if it’s safe to do so, depending on the social environment you live in.

Obviously, the best case scenario is to live as your true self and have the society accept you 100% as who you are, but the reality is often not perfect. It isn’t for many people, even for heterosexuals. Many people today live with limitations caused by factors outside of their control, be it where they are born, their race, the opportunities they were given growing up, genetic health problems they had no say over, or in your case, having a sexual identity that’s not as widely understood or accepted as the default sexual identity. In the face of these imperfections, it’s about finding an equilibrium between living life as best as you can and managing the imperfections. Rather than hate the world for what it is, or hate our lives for what is not perfect, let’s try to make the best out of what we have and manage the other things that are not that great yet. Because we can’t control the cards we are dealt with, but we can choose how we play these cards (Randy Pausch).

I hope this post has been helpful in some way and you are able to pick the right way forward for yourself. Please keep me posted on how it goes okay? 🙂

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