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the-not-so-silent-back-up · 5 months

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The Love We Choose

Geraskier ModernAU

a big THANK YOU @cherrychapsticksteve for helping me out figuring some stuff out

Summary: Geralt is a Firefighter, but more important he is a single Dad to 4 y/o Ciri. Regularly they go to a cute little Coffeeshop where Jaskier works. And little Ciri is on a mission to help her Dad to find somebody to love.

Chapter - 1 -

Geralt is waiting outside the Kindergarten to pick up his daughter, there are a few other parents who are talking. But Geralt only knows one of them really so he just waits in silence. He has been alone with Ciri for a few months now, but it's still a weird feeling to come home and see Yennefer's desk empty.

They have loved each other, they really did but he is bound to his hometown and she needed to be flexible and be able to go on Business trips all the time. Geralt believed that after Ciris' birth things would be different, and things were different for a year at best. But then everything went back to the same old routine. Yennefer was in New York or London or Berlin and Geralt sat at home, the only thing that was truly different, Geralt wasn't alone, no there was Ciri, his daughter, his whole world that he needed to protect.

When Ciri was old enough to go to the Kindergarten Yennefer and Geralt figured out that they needed to go separate ways. Yennefer loves her Job to much, she really was the unpaid intern that made it to the top of this really big Marketing firm. And she isn't a family person, she tried to be one for Ciri, but she was afraid that she will regret that and will blame Ciri for it in the future, and her daughter didn't deserve this.

So now when Yennefer is in town, the three spend time together as a little family. It wasn't the family Geralt hoped for, but it's real. And some parents might not believe it but they are all really good with this. In the time they spend with Ciri they are really happy, and the phone calls Ciri has with her mother weekly are really good for their relationship.

Geralt came to the conclusion that having a family that is really happy and working is much better than to force a family together to fit the image everyone has.

Roach is pulling on the leash, Ciri has to be in sight. This Dog really loved this Child, and she would do anything to protect her. She once growled at a pigeon because it scared Ciri.

"Daddy, Daddy did you know that hedgehogs eat slugs?"

"No ,I didn't know that, where did you learn this from?" Geralt picked the little backpack up and took Ciris tiny hand.

"Miss McHall read a book about hedgehogs and there was a list of what they eat. And then in the garden Benni searched for a slug to try it himself, but he didn't find one."

"Hmm" Geralt didn't know how to reply to that.

"Daaaad is today a hot chocolate day?"

"sadly not sweetheart, I forgot my wallet at work but tomorrow is a hot chocolate day I promise"

"Oh Daddy, you really forget everything when I don't remind you" Ciri shakes her head a bit "But this time I wanna try the strawberry pie for real this time"

"I think Benni wanted to impress the girls," Ciri said at the dinner table "with the slug". What a strange topic at dinner. Geralt frowns in surprise.

"He always does those stupid things and then he runs up to the other girls and shows what he did. When Dara and I were spies we saw that."

Geralt carefully listens to his daughter.

"I mean finding a slug isn't impressive, and eating one is kinda mean because what will the hedgehog eat ? What you do is impressive Dad, you save people and teach other people how to save people."

"Thank you darling" Being a Father and a Firefighter isn't always the best mix but everytime Ciri says things like that it makes Geralt so proud.

"Uhm Dad, did you see that woman again, the one you went on a pizza date with?"

"Hmm no, she called me this morning and told me that I am nice but she has some family trouble and needs to focus on her family."

"Oh okay"

Yeah Geralt had a few dates every now and then. Yeah Ciri is his whole world, but he still is a Human and he misses the Romance in his life. The truth is Geralt hasn't the best dating game. He doesn't know what to talk about, when he doesn't talk about Ciri or his work or his Dog. He doesn't mention his daughter on the first dates, and when they actually reach a second or third date and Geralt tells them he is a single dad, most people refuse to see him again, it's just a big commitment for them. But also some of them just saw the big strong firefighter with all the muscles and not the man behind them and that's when Geralt says this isn't working out.

Ciri lays awake in bed, she could hear the TV from the living room. For sure her dad is lonely, but all this adult stuff is so confusing. In Kindergarten everything is easier, like you ask someone if you wanna be friends, then they ask you what you like to play and what's your favorite animal and then you are friends. And one day you draw a picture just for them and you are best friends. But adults don't work like that.

"My Dad needs my help to find someone to watch those silly romantic movies." Ciri whispers to herself. And she already has someone in mind and she has a plan, sort of.

The next day Geralt brought Roach back home before he went to pick up Ciri, and he checked for his wallet three times. He waited as usual in front of the kindergarten. Ciri is running right up at him, in her beautiful green dress. This morning they had an argument because Ciri wanted to wear her favorite dress so badly and Geralt was afraid that she would mess it up in the Kindergarten, but as Ciri promised it's all fine and she looks like the little princess she is to Geralt.

"Hot Chocolate Day!" Ciri is chanting as she is running to her Dad.

"Yes Sweetheart today I am fully prepared for the Coffeeshop."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

The Coffeeshop is near the Park where Ciri's favorite playground is. That's how they discovered it. Geralt pushed Ciri on the swing when a heavy rain surprised them. Geralt covered his daughter under his jacket and ran in the next building he found. The sweet little Coffeeshop at the Park. Geralt liked it because it wasn't that big and not many people fit in there and Ciri loved it because it's near her favorite playground and because they have so many beautiful cups and mugs.

They arrived at the Coffeeshop and because they already became regulars so they got greeted nicely. At first Geralt didn’t like it that strangers knew Ciri’s name, but he got used to it and the staff here is really nice.

A young tall man came up to their table and Ciri jumps up and ran towards him

"Jaskier! Look that’s my favorite dress”

“Oh hi Ciri it’s really beautiful, you look like a princess”

Geralt watches the scene with eagle eyes, but he knows Jaskier is no harm for his little girl, he is usually their waiter when they are in the Coffeeshop.

Jaskier lets Ciri twirl around herself, so the pretty green dress starts flying.

“My Daddy says that too.” Ciri stops spinning.

“Your Daddy says what ?” Jaskier seems to be confused with that statement.

“This morning my Daddy also said that I look like a princess. And when I am a princess my Dad must be a king right?”

“Then lead me to your king, princess Ciri.”

Jaskier could clearly see Geralt sitting at their favorite spot at the window, but he likes to play along with Ciri’s little games.

“Your Majesty I present to you, your daughter princess Ciri” Jaskier takes a bow in front of Geralt and Ciri tries to stay in character but could resist a little laugh.

“I have been sent directly from the kitchen to ask what the King and his daughter would like to eat and drink today.”

Geralt is a little lost for words, normally these silly games stay between Ciri and Jaskier, but now he is dragged into it like a theater play and he hasn’t learned his lines. Geralt tries his best to play along because he knows how much it means to his little girl if he does.

“May he bring us hot chocolate and strawberry pie for the princess and mint tea and cheesecake for me the King.”

Ciri giggles again.

“I like Jaskier he always so funny and nice to us”

“Yeah that is true”

Geralt stares out of the window, and he just enjoys the quiet coffeeshop. It wasn’t actually quiet but it wasn’t stressful like his day at the fire station. There was a fire near in the forest this morning, just because some stupid assholes had Barbeque last night and didn’t end their fire properly.

He turns around and on the table are the ordered pies and his tea but no hot chocolate is there and Ciri is gone too.

Panic runs through Geralt's veins, where is she? He was just looking away for a second. But then he saw her holding on to Jaskier’s hand as they picked a cup for her hot chocolate. How could he forget that she always picks a new beautiful cup to drink her hot chocolate from. She walked back to her Dad and sat next to him on the bench.

“I picked a cup with stars and the moon on it”

Jaskier walks over to their table and places Ciris cup right next to her pie.

“I saw there was smoke in the forest, was there a fire?”

At first Geralt is confused because he never told Jaskier that he is a Firefighter, but then he remembered that Ciri talks a lot with Jaskier if he has the time.

“Yeah there was a fire, but gladly it was near the forest not directly in there.” Jaskier looks relieved.

“Some people made a barbeque there and the remaining hot ashe lit the dry grass on fire”

Geralt could see the disbelief in Jaskier’s face, he really couldn’t hide his emotions.

“I hope you and your crew are okay”

“We are good, it was just another fire because of careless people”

He didn’t wanna say drunk people in front of Ciri, but the look on Jaskier’s face showed him that he did understand what he meant with “careless”.

“Ciri, your Dad is truly a hero, he and his crew saved the forest”

Ciri grinned and cheered “yes they are all heroes, my Dad, uncle Eskel, uncle Lambert and Vesemir”

New customers enter the place and Jaskier has to leave Geralt and Ciri. They eat and drink and Ciri told stories from the Kindergarten and from her best friend Dara. Even more people entered the coffeeshop as they left. They waved Goodbye to Jaskier and left the busy place. With Ciri’s tiny hand in his own he was so happy he had a daughter like her and this little coffeeshop they could call their special place.

#personal #jaskier #the witcher #geraskier #geralt of rivia #geralt x jaskier #witcher #the witcher netflix #modern au #Alina writes #ciri #kinda a coffeeshop AU

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herrlindemann · 1 year

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Bravo 05.06.1997, interview with Till

The halls burn at their concerts. With their spectacular fire show and their super hit 'Engel' (this week number 3 in the German single charts), Rammstein from Berlin rose to become the new stars of the German rock scene. Frontman Till Lindemann plays the wild man on stage: The muscular, broad-shouldered singer fires flamethrowers, lets showers of sparks spray and dances across the stage as a living torch - without batting an eyelid. In the BRAVO interview, on the other hand, the shrill 'fire devil' shows a completely different side. Till, who has recently dyed his hair silver, speaks softly, in a deep but gentle voice. He seems very thoughtful, almost shy — and he rarely smiles...

Rammstein landed their biggest hit with 'Engel'. How did you get the idea to sing about angels?

The text goes back to a fairy tale I heard as a child. A boy asks his dad about his deceased mother: "Where is my mommy now? » The dad replies: «She is now an angel in heaven. Look up at that star. There's your mommy now! » This story fascinated me. I could sense how lonely and vulnerable the boy must have felt without his mother.

Do you believe in angels yourself?

Anyway, I've never seen one. Richard always says my lyrics are childish and wise at the same time. I really am like a big kid — naughty but innocent. People always think I'm strong and badass. That's not true. I am sensitive and easily hurt — and romantic and passionate in love.

How did you grow up?

We lived in Schwerin in what was then East Germany. My parents are artists. They left me alone, I could do whatever I wanted. I was mainly interested in sports. I was good at swimming, so when I was ten I went to a sports school where I trained for an international career. At first everything went great. When I was 16, I went to Rome with the East German team for the European Championships.

Was that your first trip abroad?

Yes, anyone who went abroad in GDR times was king! We didn't have the freedom to travel back then. I was totally fascinated by Italy. After the competition I abseiled with a girl I met in Rome. I had no intention of running. The next morning I reported back to the team. Unfortunately too late. I got into big trouble and was interrogated by the Stasi. What I did was a crime for them. It was then that I noticed for the first time in what a slave system we lived in. After this trip, I was fed up with the system. I got out and became punk.

How long has Rammstein existed?

Richard, our rhythm guitarist, founded the group in 1993. At Rammstein all band members are equally important. The group can only function with this cast. If one of us gets out, it's over. The guys played in various Berlin groups like Feeling B and The Instabokatables until 1993. I got by in Schwerin as a basket weaver. From time to time I played drums in some punk bands for fun. Richard is an old friend of mine. My voice has always fascinated him. I used to sing out loud at work and he would listen for hours. One day he brought cassettes with new, super hard songs and told me to sing along. At first I didn't feel like it because I didn't want to go to Berlin.

But then you went to Berlin after all...

Yes, Richard talked to me for three days. Finally he convinced me. We then recorded the first demos in the apartment he and Schneider shared at the time. I always had to sing under a blanket because my voice woke the neighbors from their sleep. The three of us formed the core team. Paul, Flake and Olli came later when we won our first studio session at the Berlin Senate Rock Competition in the summer of 1993.

Where does the band name Rammstein come from?

At first we didn't expect to be commercially successful. For over a year we went without a name because we only played at friends' parties. When we signed the record deal, we had to come up with a name quickly. Someone said: "Rammstein. » We liked this name — «Ramm» and «Stein» express movement, strength and hardness. We knew nothing at all about the plane crash that happened in the 1980s at the military training area in Ramstein/Rhineland-Palatinate. We all come from the east and didn't notice anything about the catastrophe.

At the beginning of your career there were rumors that you were right-wing extremists...

Absolute nonsense! We have nothing to do with fascists. When Rammstein started, we seemed like a foreign body in the German music scene because we didn't conform to any cliché. We're just not easy-going heave metallers with long hair and short pants. People didn't know which box to put us in. The box on the right was obvious because we acted very tough and monumental, with long leather coats, shimmering metal, bare shiny skin and all that fire. We wanted to provoke people and do something totally crazy.

« Mein schwarzes Blut und dein weißes Fleisch, ich werd’ immer geiler von deinem Gekreisch. Der Angstschweiß da auf deiner Stirn, hagelt in mein krankes Hirn… » you sing on the number 'Weißes Fleisch'. Are such harsh texts also created out of sheer desire to provoke?

My texts arise from feelings and dreams, more from pain than from pleasure. I often have bad nightmares, waking up at night drenched in sweat from fear because I saw some bad bloody scene in my dream. My lyrics are an outlet for the emotional lava boiling over in my soul.

What scares you?

We all try hard to hide behind a well-mannered facade that we are ruled and guided by drives and feelings: by hunger, thirst, fear, hatred, greed for power and sex. Of course there is also a very strong positive force in us - love. Without them, humanity would have exterminated itself long ago. Drives and negative feelings are particularly dangerous when they are suppressed and hidden from consciousness. In my texts they are allowed to come into the open.

Are you a pyromaniac?

Fire fascinates me. I once brought two New Year's Eve fire breathers to a gig and lit them between songs. The fans cheered and I burned my hands. But I thought it was great that I didn't have to stand around stupidly between the songs, but had something to do. I made myself a gauntlet that could spit fire, then a fire arm. At one point, the fire department showed up behind the stage. On this occasion I learned that you need a ticket to play with pyro effects. So I took the firework exam.

How do you actually live privately? Do you have a girlfriend?

No, not at this time. None of the six of us have an intact relationship. We're just too much on the go. But I don't live alone. I am single father. My daughter's name is Nele and she's twelve years old: she's my everything - for me even more important than Rammstein!

#Rammstein #Till Lindemann #Richard Kruspe #Paul Landers #Christoph Schneider #Flake #Oliver Riedel #1996 #interview #translation #*scans #*

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mrsfitzgerald · 10 months

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hey! do you think these two lovely dorks really have some kind of romantic relationships off stage or it’s just me?🥺 every time when i start to think about this my brain just like ewsxswasszzw

I couldn't sleep all night because I was thinking about that message, lol 😆

let's start with the fact that i love the band since 99. i started listening to them when i was 11 years old and of course i didn't think about their relationship within the band (I didn't even know what they looked like for a very long time because I only had a live aus berlin cassette which i stolen from a classmate and it was without a cover ( I wanted to destroy it because he bored everyone at school by constantly talking about this group 😁 fun fact: this guy is my best friend now and I'm his daughter's godmother)

soo one day in a popular russian teen magazine i saw a picture of them (paul and richard) and a caption under the picture that changed my life 😆

the caption went like this (I just still keep this magazine and was able to translate that, do not think that I remember it by heart 😆) : «A month ago, being in Moscow, the members of the band Rammstein claimed that they loved only women and were not interested in guys! And what they were doing on stage (sticking microphones into each other in different places) was just an artistic image. just a joke. then the cult Germans left to continue to amaze Europe with their music. Poor guys, they didn't know that we (the magazine's editorial staff) followed them. And in Prague we had already seen guitarists Paul Landers and Richard Kruspe admiring each other. Look at these lovebirds, isn't that love?»

and I remember looking at that picture and thinking "omg! this is really love!" 🥰 many months later I learned what fanfiction was and what slash was and how surprised I was that I wasn't the only one who thought that about them, that there was something sweet between them? (it was 2004, for some reason I thought it was 01/02, but no, it was 2004)

and I made so many new friends and we had so many awesome stories in russian fandom!!! and ever since then in my head I've always thought that there was something going on between them. there weren't many videos and pictures back then, but every time I saw them next to each other it made me smile 🥰

then youtube came along and I probably saw all the videos that were posted back then and always watched how Richard and Paul acted with each other

I started making gifs since 2010 and it's always been a joy to find cute moments from concerts with them 💖

and then 2019 happened. i remember that day so well. i downloaded this huge video from spain and started watching it from the beginning, i wasn't expecting anything at all. and first i saw richard kiss paul's forehead at puppe and i was like WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? and then someone sent me a text saying "watch auslander" and I rewinded to that moment and saw that kiss on the lips and you should have heard my screams! I CLOSED MY LAPTOP, I THREW IT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED. I FELL OFF THE BED ONTO THE FLOOR AND I JUST SCREAMED LIKE THIS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (and with a lot of russian swear words 😆😆😆😆😆 ) my dad came running into the room and thought I was dying or being killed 😆 I thought my spirit had left my body I had imagined it in my head for so many years (really many many years!!) and now I saw it for real? I couldn't even in my wildest dreams imagine that this could actually happen.

I still have a lot of questions: how did they decide to do it? why? for what? what does it all mean? was it scripted? i think in 19 yes, and in 22 too. but still every time it was something cute and new and they are adults and hardly anyone could make them do it. they just… decided to kiss each other's ~lips~ every time and they like it? all those thoughts amaze me and i don't have a heterosexual explanation for it (but maybe i am being biased 😁)

of course I don't know and I don't think I'll ever know what's really going on between them, but the whole history of their relationship, what they've gone through to be here when they can just kiss each other is amazing to me! It's so beautiful and I'm just happy that they let us see it too… the tenderness they have for each other? and it doesn't matter what it's called and whether they're together or not, the main thing is that they look so happy around each other 🥰 that's enough for me 💖💖💖

#IM SORRY FOR THIS GIANT ANSWER 😆#i don't know english so please sorry for mistakes #💖💖💖💖💖💖

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endlich-allein · 1 year

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Very interesting article from RammsteinWorld with two interviews with extras who were on the set.

Here are some translated parts (the interviews are in French) :

Pommes Frites :

SO, RAMMSTEIN, HOW ARE THEY?

Very professional, very patient, and absolutely not divas. I imagined that they would go back to their dressing rooms between each take, but not at all: they all stayed on set even when the breaks could easily exceed 15 minutes. On paper, I had plenty of time to talk to them during breaks: they sat on their chairs and waited for the time to pass or chatted among themselves (they didn't have their phones). Some extras went to chat with them, I remember in particular a couple of Swiss Germans who had a good chat with Schneider. Another extra did not let go of the bunch. But the vast majority did not go, including me. It remains a huge regret. But at the time we say to ourselves: “what am I going to be able to tell them? Banalities? I don't want to be the rejoiced fan. We will see if the discussion opens up naturally”. And let's not forget that I was half-naked, and that didn't give me the best assurance to go talk to them.

This does not mean that there were no interactions with the group. Exchanges of glances, smiles, a “Bonsoir” (in French) from Till passing by my group of extras, a “Relax!” smiling from Paul towards an extra next to me who, without doing it on purpose, was pulling too hard on the chain attached to her arm.

Oli is the one who marked me the most during these breaks. He has a presence that is both impressive and intimidating. He's really tall, really handsome, and he made me feel like a pure sugar introvert. Flake conforms to the idea I had of him: a discreet dad. Schneider too: a sexy dad. He kindly chatted with a few fans, as did Paul. Sorry for RZK fans but I don't have an anecdote about him that comes back to me. But at no time did I say to myself: "they are not as I imagined".

HOW LONG DID THE FILMING LAST? THEY WERE NOT PULLED?

[...]

I was impressed by the professionalism and energy of the group. Specter Berlin would retake the takes again and again (I think I heard the chorus of Adieu 200 times that night), and each time the band came up with new ideas for staging inside the hut. Till, above all, was going all out long. How can we forget the punch that he put in one of the (cardboard) walls of the cabin, and which left a big hole in the structure. Another moment I remember is an end take where Till laughingly grabbed the arms of one of the extras to pull her inside the cabin - except that since the "windows" were very narrow, she couldn't go very far, which made everyone laugh, including her.

Herzwerk R.o.D

[...]

During the following hours (we arrived around 8 p.m. and it ended around 1 a.m.), we alternated the phases of filming around this “cage” and breaks. I remember an interview where Till said he didn't like filming, because it's mostly waiting. I confirm.

[...]

Beyond the technical aspect, there is also, and above all, the proximity to the group. First during the scenes, since we were only a few centimeters away from them during the sequences shot, which allowed small exchanges of smiles, misunderstandings (Oli who did not understand why we no longer pulled his chain and tried to discreetly sign us to do so, when Specter had said no), the handshake of Doom who came to greet the extras who were behind him… During the breaks, which could sometimes last a long time (we had croque-monsieur to satiate us), the group was never far either. The opportunity for us to confirm what we already know: Oli is a Greek God, Doom is a DILF, Paul is super cool, Flake is Flake, Richard smokes "like a firefighter" (a lot) and Till is very cool (he wandered around a lot among the extras, and not only to lower their underpants) but also weird (he smashed a wall of the "cage" with a punch without anyone understanding why, if it was for pleasure to break or out of anger).

-> Plus Ombe Line debrief <-

#adieu mv #rammstein #rammstein 2022 #till lindemann #flake lorenz #paul landers #christoph schneider #richard kruspe #oliver riedel

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your-disobedient-servant · 2 years

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I will admit, I am not very knowledgeable on the enlightenment era stuff, besides getting some giggles at the posts of my friends and was never really interested in it aside from the stuff with Catherine the Great that was going on around the time. But now after scrolling your blog and actually witnessing the sheer amount of DRAMA QUEENS, I've gotten somewhat curious 🤭

If you don't mind me asking, can you please describe the relationship of the "two toxic old men" to a person like me, who doesn't know much, but is willing to learn?

Fritz and Voltaire? With pleasure!

So, in 1736, Frederick, then the crown prince of Prussia, sent some fanmail to Voltaire. Being the attention whore he was, especially when it came to royalty, V responded with great enthusiasm and the two struck up a correspondence full of mutual flattery. At one point V enlisted his friend Thieriot to help send literary news (he was supposed to be paid: he wasn't, ever) and he...sent a lot of gossip about Voltaire. Another important thing is also that Émilie du Châtelet, V's long-term lover, and Fritz HATED each other. And it's also generally agreed that Fritz was gay.

1740 comes around, Fritz's awful dad finally croaks, and he becomes king and wants to, in his own words, possess Voltaire. He and Voltaire met in person for the first time in September, briefly, then again in November where V spends his birthday in Prussia. Party time. The correspondence from during that visit is amazing, V wants to leave, Fritz begs him to come back and says he'll kiss him on Friday, V tells Fritz he loves him more than Émilie, they call each other mistress, Fritz complains that V is expensive behind his back but he'll win over Émilie because he can pay him more, V says he's not interested in Greek affairs (read: gay stuff) despite the flirting but he is there for Fritz, Émilie begs V to come back saying she's sick and gets V's friend Cideville to send him a poem about how hot she is, etc etc.

At some point, Fritz tried to force Voltaire to come to Prussia by spreading gossip in France that'd force him out of the country and iirc succeeded, but I don't remember which visit was that off the top of my head.

They briefly meet again in 1742. In 1743, Voltaire was sent to Prussia as a spy, at which he was hilariously godawful (Fritz answered most of his diplomatic questionnaire with jokes). After Émilie died in 1749, V moved to Prussia in 1450, which went fine at first, but they slowly started to realise they really can't fucking stand to live with each other. Voltaire got involved in a financial scandal and also royally pissed off Maupertuis (Émilie's former lover, president of the Berlin Academy) and with that Fritz, culminating in Fritz burning all copies of Diatribe du docteur Akakia.

V resigned and left in early 1752, but he was (unlawfully, Fritz had no authority there) detained by an agent of Fritz's in Frankfurt because he took a book of poetry in which Fritz satirised other European leaders. What followed was a very entertaining mess of miscommunication (please do yourself a favour and read the correspondence from that time, google translate does the job fine) and theatrics on Voltaire's part, who kept insisting he was just a sick old man who only wanted to go take the waters. He writes to everyone, his niece and current lover writes to Wilhelmine, V at some point pulls a gun on someone, Freytag writes to Fritz like "he looks like a skeleton, is he really sick or does he always look like that?," eventually V's luggage in which the book was in gets delivered, he coughs it up, but he still isn't let go, eventually Fritz himself has to write to Freytag like "yo, wtf is going on." It's a disaster and it ruins their relationship for good.

Voltaire is so pissed off that he writes a memoir about his experiences in Prussia where he outs Fritz (...and also his brother Henri) as gay in no uncertain terms several times and also edits a few letters to his niece in the vein of Richardson's Pamela, painting himself as a poor victim of the seductive king. Which...lmao, really, V? Really? I translated the first one here, currently working on the second. Though those letters weren't discovered to be edited until 1991, so many older biographies just take them as fact.

Anyway, the two stopped writing to each other for a while. They reconnected at the urging of Fritz's sister Wilhelmine when the Seven Years War was going badly and Fritz was suicidal, and it went well on the surface, but Voltaire kept writing to his friends about how he's totally over Fritz, he hates him, he wishes he was hit by a cannonball, he ridicules his suicide letter behind his back, etc. Fritz also keeps shit-talking Voltaire behind his back the whole time, but is overjoyed when he gets a letter. As an example of later correspondence, here's a translation of an excerpt from the "it's good that you're such a colossal dick or your perfection would embarrass humanity" letter. Either way, they slowly reconciled and kept writing to each other until Voltaire's death.

I know I left a ton out and I wrote it pretty much all from memory so could be that I fucked up the details, but I hope it helps. Wish I could include some more letter excerpts because they're fantastic, but it's long as it is.

Sources

If you want a good intro on these two, read the bios by Nancy Mitford - she has the fatal flaw of not citing shit but they're short and fun and easy to find and she's one of the few who are able to see that both of them were a total mess. For more academic sources, there's Aldridge (pro: cites letter numbers in-text, very balanced when it comes to Fritz, con: impossible to find) or Besterman (pro: most comprehensive, dude compiled his letters so he knows his shit, con: big bias against Fritz) for Voltaire and...hm, I'm trying to think of a Fritz biographer that'd have any info on those two. Blanning hasn't much and I've yet to get around to MacDonogh, so I can't say where that one is good and bad.

There are also letters here and here that you can googletranslate and I really wish Electronic Enlightenment wasn't paywalled (if you know someone who has a NYPL card to lend you their login info…I recommend) cause it has like all of V's letters and an AMAZING search.

#man this got long #and i omitted a fuck ton of good stuff for brevity :(#Frederick the Great #Voltaire #q&a #two toxic old men #long post

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grinsekaatzee · 11 months

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since i wrote the letter to my mom (where i told here i am thinking about quitting university) she only responded a text message, in that she said we talk about this in person.

so we went on vacation anyways that was where i saw her the next time..

so i was curious. vibe was still weird, but we didn’t talk about that the first couple days, until yesterday

and i wish id never talked to her.

she told me she was in the same situation as me now. no friends, all alone in a city she would leave if the uni ends. years over years going to lectures and going home, seeing nothing, doing nothing.

she told me that for her it wasn’t that deep. yes she was lonely but she got thru it for the degree.

but i want to choose the other path. and i think she don’t understand why? i told her everything in this damn letter. i wrote my soul in this piece, tears were covering the pages… and i look at her and her eyes look at me like huge social drop out and failure.

she told me when i move to berlin and quit uni i must searching for work bc if i would do that, she and my dad wouldn’t pay me financial support anymore. (to hear that thru my moms words hurts so bad bc my dad was looking at me like he will support me thru all my life situations)

so now i am here. still lost.

she told me a few opportunities i have.. like staying there, moving but keep the student status, studying something new, getting in to work life,..

i was obviously searching for help but she layed it in my hands again. and i can’t get over the fact that she still doesn’t understand and give me the minimum of support. it breaks my heart. it was so freaking cold.

#life is changing

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bearsinpotatosacks · 2 years

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Only a Dad, But the Best of Men

After finding a letter from his dead father, Goose starts to think he's destined to repeat his mistake and ruin Bradley's life. But Carole comforts him.

Words: 2872

~~~

Title from the poem Only a Dad by Edgar Albert. This takes place in 1982, when Bradley's a few weeks old.

Carole took her gloves off as she walked into the house. Everything was starting to come together. Now she'd planted some flowers, her rose bushes were looking especially picturesque, the image she'd had in her head since she'd decided to buy a house with Goose was finally becoming a reality.

But yard work was strenuous on a normal day, let alone on a hotter day like this, post-partum. She wiped a layer of sweat off her forehead and made her way to the utility to put her gloves away when she saw Goose sat still at the table.

He didn't notice her walk by. His gaze sat on a piece of paper clenched in his hands, knuckles white. She stopped, resting a hand on the half wall separating the kitchen from the hall and looked at him.

He was frozen. So still and unlike himself that it almost scared her. This was her Goose, the same face, same scratchy moustache, same loving eyes now distracted.

"Goose?" She said, he didn't turn his head. "Honey?"

No reaction. She walked around the wall and into the kitchen. As she got closer, she realised his hands were shaking around the paper.

She came up behind him and ran her hands down his shoulders. Her head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck, hands sliding down his lime green shirt with frogs on it, crinkled from wear.

He gulped and looked up at her, "Huh?"

"Nothing, you just looked lost,"

He let go of the paper and took her hand in his, lifting it to his mouth without a thought. The kiss he lay on her palm made her head go slightly fuzzy. But she could still feel the tension he was holding.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

He went still again.

With a shaky voice, he mumbled, "I'm going to mess you and Bradley up."

"Huh?"

"I'm going to mess you and Bradley up." He said more loudly this time.

She walked around to face him. He held the paper again, his hands were still shaking. His eyes followed the words on it yet he didn't read them. As if he was avoiding looking at her. Shame flashed on his face.

"What do you mean? Where did this come from?"

"You know how I said my dad was really detached, emotionally, when I was a kid?"

She nodded, not knowing where this was going.

"Well, when I was younger, whenever me or my sister asked about his days in the marines, he’d talk about the people and the conviviality, the friends he made, but when I told him I wanted to join the Navy he flipped out," he said. "I didn't know why and we fought, I can still remember the shouting, fought about how all he did was talk about how great it was and he shouted that I didn't listen to him at all and was I really that stupid?"

She placed a hand on his arm, "Goose-"

He still didn't meet her eyes but could stare at the wrinkled denim covering her legs.

"And we got really distanced after that, I mean we were already distanced but we barely talked anymore, and then he died before we could resolve anything and I thought that was that,"

"I remember you telling me that," she subsided to say. "But, Goose, what does this have to do with you messing me and Bradley up?"

"Because I found this letter he wrote after our first fight, when I was almost thirteen-"

"And he died when you were thirteen," Carole confirmed.

"Yeah, and he explains everything, about how he was always based in no combat zones like West Berlin, and how Vietnam was his first combat zone and he struggled to be the 'Funny Guy' and enjoy the laughs with his crewmates when they'd die the moment the conversation was over."

His face wrinkled as he looked down at the letter with bitter nostalgia. "And when he got back he had no way of putting that into words, no way of explaining the complexities of trauma to six year old me so he did what he thought was right and only talked about the good parts of his service when he was pushed"

"But this blew up in his face because of the trauma, and you know how life was back then, no one talked about anything, he just detached so he didn't have to deal with the pain," he said. "And that's what he was trying to tell me but never could, about how dangerous and heartbreaking and painful military life can be but I didn't listen, or care enough to notice, and joined up anyway."

He stood up. His eyes followed the paper before he dropped it like it had scalded his hands. There was a sway to his body and his eyes glimmered with tears.

She embraced him from the side just so he wouldn't fall over, just so he knew she was here and listening. Goose was never this broken up about anything and her stomach dropped like a stone out of a strange sympathetic fear. These worries and fears must be fierce if he was acting so out of character.

"Goose, honey, you have no idea you're going to go through something as traumatic as that, and you can't limit your life out of fear that something like that will happen,"

He shook his head and the first tear fell. His hands darted to the back of the chair. Red and white flashed on his knuckles as he held on tight to push back the wave of tears they both knew was coming.

"But it will, I'm going to be a Naval Aviator, an RIO, there's no doubt I'll have to eject and my jet'll get destroyed and I get hurt, so it's inevitable I get detached just like my dad, so I'm going to hurt Bradley just like I was hurt as a kid, except it's worse this time."

More tears fell. His muscles were tense under her hand. They made his wiry frame bigger as he hunched over the chair.

She caressed his jaw and pulled his face toward her by the chin. He was slippery as he touched him.

"How is it worse?" She asked, her tone soft like the evening sun.

"Because I should've known better, I probably did know but I had a kid anyway just to mess him up."

Part of her body jolted. She didn't want to run to conclusions, this was her Goose, kind, compassionate, funny Goose who'd been ecstatic to become a father. He loved Bradley and they both knew it, whatever he was saying, he wasn't going against that.

"So you're saying you don't want him?" She still had to confirm.

His eyes widened. The grip he had on the chair loosened as he realised how she'd interpreted his words.

"No, no, no-" he sagged as she held his hand and placed it over her heartbeat. "I'm just saying that maybe if I'd had this letter, if I'd been smart and thought of somebody else for a change, then maybe I wouldn't have had a kid because I would've known how hard I'd make their life, how bad of a father I' be, and I don't want to screw Bradley up."

She raised their interlaced hands and held his face. Tears collected on her hands. His face was turning a blotchy red.

"You really think you're going to be that bad of a father?"

His voice broke, "I don't want to, I love him more than I can express, but I know I'll mess him up by not being there someday and it'll be just like my dad and he'll be hurt and mess up any kids he has and the cycle will go on and all because of me and my stupid selfish nature."

She doubled back.

"Selfish? Goose you are not selfish, you hear me?"

He shook his head and lowered it. It was like he was being told off for something, judged and determined guilty. This was a far cry from the gleeful father-to-be she'd seen him become during her pregnancy. She knew most parents had their doubts, she had, but this seemed so much more extreme than that.

"Yes I am,"

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I brought you into my mess too and I'm just going to hurt you."

He closed his eyes and took shuddering breaths. His failing attempts at gaining control of himself again weren't getting any more successful.

She lay a hand over her heart and sighed. Now she was getting the urge to cry. All she wanted to do was hold him and tell him none of this was true, like she did when he had leave or how he had on her more hormonal nights. But kissing it better wouldn't make it go away, talking would.

"Your mess?"

"Yeah-" he wiped his eyes. "Because my parents weren't happy because my dad was always away, and he came back detached from us, her kids and her and she told me once that it was almost easier to mourn him because he went away all the time and I realised that you're just going to leave me."

She had the sick urge to laugh. This was the best relationship she'd ever been in. She'd never been happier than she had with him and their little family. Yet he'd already consigned their relationship to fail.

"Why on earth would I leave you?"

His head was still lowered. He sniffed, couldn’t meet her eyes. She ran her thumb along his cheekbone and felt him restraining himself from leaning into touch. Eventually he caved and let her guide his head to meet her gentle eyes.

"Why would I want to leave someone as wonderful as you, hey?"

Her tone was barely above a whisper. This conversation was just them. Mav was putting Bradley down for the night. They could be alone with this for a while.

"Because you'll realise I'm not good enough for you, or Bradley."

He closed his eyes as she lay her other hand on the base of his neck. The hairs there were shorter, easy to brush against her fingers.

"Goose, listen to me, you're plenty good enough,"

"No I'm not."

"Why do you think you're not?"

"Because I'm going to go away a lot, you won't see me and you'll have to raise Bradley on your own and one day you're going to realise that there's no point waiting for a man you barely see to come home when you can look after yourself and Brad just fine and you'll leave me."

"But I can't do it on my own, I don't want to," she insisted. "And what about you, doesn't it hurt yourself to think I'm inevitably going to leave?"

"Of course," he said. "But I'll deserve it, for messing you around in the first place."

She moved to cup her hands on his cheeks. They squished slightly, his moustache shifted together. It would usually be funny but not now.

"So you wish you'd never met me?"

"Of course I wanted to meet you, you make me so happy, and calm and stable, you give me hope and you're my rock, but if it meant you'd live a happier life, not hurt by me, then I'd let you go,"

She shook her head. His face trembled in her hands.

"You'd be lonely, though,"

He broke away, tried to put on a steely resolve and make himself seem less vulnerable. But the tears still poured. His face glistened.

"It'd be worth it if you were happy," then he added, the words not stopping. "Because I'd deserve it for being selfish enough to want a family, for wanting you to love me, because I should've known I'd hurt you. And I probably did know and did it to hurt you anyway, and I'm just going to be a bad partner and bad dad and hurt you-"

He continued to repeat himself. All his speech dissolving into mumbling as he lost control of himself and let the tears flow.

She wrapped her arms around him and pushed his head into the crook of her shoulder. He stopped trying to explain and gave into all his emotions. Sobs, slightly muffled, came from her shoulder.

"Go on, let it out," she whispered. "How about we go to the living room, yeah? Somewhere more comfortable?"

He nodded smally as she guided him out of the kitchen and to the sofa. She settled down and lay him with his head in her lap. His sobs quietened but he shook consistently as she carded her hand through his hair.

"Goose, you're not going to be a bad dad or a bad partner,"

He lifted his head up. The whites of his eyes were stained red from crying.

"How do you know?"

"Because you've noticed what your dad did that messed you up, so you won't do it yourself." She gently pushed him back down and went to rubbing his sideburns.

"What if I do, though?"

"We've got me and Mav to keep you in line," she said with a laugh. "Also I don't think you have it in you to hurt someone by being detached."

"But-"

"No buts, okay? Take it from me, you won't mess anyone up, this is just a natural fear because you're responsible for another life for the first time ever-" She lent in closer. "You're going to do great."

He looked up again and smiled at her, "Okay, I trust you."

She lay a kiss on his head and shuffled around to lie down with him. He adjusted to collapse into her, head nuzzled into her neck and exhaled.

"I love you, you silly goose," she said. "We all do."

He'd stopped crying now, his body still and heavy on her chest. Her arms reached around to stroke his hair and scratch his scalp. His breaths came out slower and deeper as he came down from his anxious high.

"I love you, too," he mumbled, half asleep.

Footsteps came down the stairs, Mav's voice filled the room, "Hey, do you want to get Chinese food? Bradley's down for the night-"

His feet stopped once he reached the sofa. Carole met his eyes over Goose's head. They both looked down to him then back at each other.

"Is he okay?"

"He discovered a letter from his dad explaining why he wasn't really there for him and he convinced himself that he's going to end up as detached as him because he still joined the Navy despite his dad's complaints and thinks he's going to get traumatised and be a bad dad and partner." She said.

Mav opened and closed his mouth. With his eyebrows raised, he replied, "That's a lot."

Goose hummed from where he lay but didn't respond fully.

"Sounds like we do need Chinese food, then," he confirmed.

They both mumbled in agreement as Mav left to get the menu from the kitchen. Upon his return, he flopped down at Goose's feet and placed them on his lap.

"I've got to say," he said while inspecting the options. "I thought I was the only one with daddy issues."

Goose laughed, his voice tired but calm. He turned over and yoinked the menu out of his hand.

"Yeah, well, they're not fun I'll give you that."

"I never said they were,"

They settled down, looking at the menu and calling up the place before settling down to watch something mindless on the television.

Yet just as Goose was settling into comfort, Bradley woke up with his typical baby screech. They all shot up, only half used to parental life after a few weeks.

Goose got up with a groan, "I'll go, I'll go."

He hobbled up the stairs, his legs half asleep from lying down. Bradley's room was straight ahead of the stairs. The sunset shone through his curtains, shadowed birds sitting in the walls.

"Hey, chick, what's wrong?"

He lifted him from the crib and sniffed, "You don't need changing, and you ate less than an hour ago,"

Bradley continued to cry as he cradled him in his arms. He rubbed the squishy part at the base of his neck and tapped his back. He swung himself left and right, bobbing Bradley up and down for a while as feeling came back to his legs.

His wails started to reduce as he cuddled him, "Did you just miss me, hey?"

Bradley went quiet. He lifted him in front of his face. He let out a quiet giggle as he blinked at him slower and slower.

"I guess you did, huh?"

Embracing him on his shoulder again, Bradley's tiny breaths tickled his neck. He relaxed, tired and asleep. He snuggled against the soft material of his shirt.

Goose sighed. A wave of peace came over him. This little life in his arms, radiating warmth, tired from nothing in particular, made him glow. This little human, his son, needed him and wanted him and looking at his sleeping face, he knew he'd do all in his power to be the best dad he could.

I gave Goose daddy issues too. Basically his dad was traumatised from a career in the marines and didn't know how to express it, so got distant but talked about the good parts of his service because he couldn't express the horrors too. So when Goose decided to join the Navy, his dad was distraught and they argued and got distant but his dad died of a heart attack before they could solve their issues.

But his dad wrote a letter to him that Goose only found about 8 years later which explained everything and caused Goose to spiral thinking he'd repeated the cycle and was going to mess Bradley up by not being there.

Also, yes, a lot of Goose's lines in this hurt more when you think of the fact that he does die and leave him behind and cause some issues and does in a way leave Carole too. So I hope you enjoyed to this after that take 🙃.

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survey--s · 9 months

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613.

Are you tired? Are you taking this survey because you can’t sleep? I am a bit tired but it's only 12.40pm so it's not like it's the middle of the night. I just stayed up too late playing Xbox instead of sleeping.

Do you have something important to do? No. I did just go and make a cup of tea though as I had a real craving.

Do you like Jalapeno Cheetos? I'm not a fan of anything spicy so they're not something I've even tried before.

Do you wish you had a new phone? Not immediately but mine will probably need to be replaced within the next couple of months as the battery is starting to go.

Name one thing you ate today? A donut.

Do you like 80’s music? 60’s music? 90’s music? I like some music from all those decades.

Do you find rap music annoying? It depends. Some I really like and some I don't even understand lol.

What song is stuck in your head? Nothing at the moment as I'm watching Cinderella lol.

Have you ever been to Germany? Yeah, to Berlin a couple of times. My dad used to run marathons and we used to fly out with him for the weekend while he did the race.

Do you drink coffee in the mornings? Yeah, I always have at least one coffee before work.

Do you become a fan of lots of things on Facebook? Not really.

What time do you go to bed on school/work nights? I go up to bed around 9pm most nights but I don't go to sleep until about 11pm-midnight ish.

Have you ever seen a therapist? Yeah, I was in therapy for a while as a student.

Do you get in trouble at school often? No.

Do you watch videos on YouTube? I watch TV shows on YouTube but that's about it.

Name a song that makes you happy. Mr Brightside - The Killers.

Name a song that makes you want to dance. ^ that one.

Name a song that brings back memories. Pretty Girl by Sugarcult.

Does the song above bring back good or bad memories? Both good and bad. It's a weird nostalgic song for me.

What decade do you think is the best musically? I love music from all sorts of different decades. I couldn't just pick one that I like above all the others.

Do you take a long time to get ready in the mornings? If it's just me and I don't need to sort the animals or do any housework, I can be up and out in 15-20 minutes. Normally I give myself an hour, though.

Do you wear a lot of makeup? No.

Have you ever written poetry or fiction? Yeah, both.

Do you know how to read music? Theoretically, but I haven't played an instrument in ages.

Do you regularly use a blow dryer? No.

When was the last time you went to church? About twenty years ago.

Would you date someone who was a different religion than you? I wouldn't date anyone who was religious in the first place.

What is your best subject in school? History and English.

Name something you do nearly everyday. Drive.

Do you take surveys a lot? I go through phases. Sometimes I do some everyday for weeks, other times I go a week or without bothering.

Have you ever had sushi? Sure. It's nice enough but it's not my favourite thing in the world.

#survey #surveys

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elch-im-ausland · 3 months

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Monday Feb. 19 2024

I woke up a bit late around 10am. My host was also at home working on her art project that is going to be part of an exhibition in Karlsruhe next week so we had breakfast together (coffee and bread with butter, tomatoes, salt) and I ended up helping her film the video she was working on until 13. It's a bit complicated because she wants to film herself watching a short film (that she also made) and then film herself watching herself watch the film and then film herself watching herself watching herself watch the film and so on so we filmed a clip and then airdropped it to the Mac and the WeTransfered it to the old laptop that was connected to the TV and then put the new video on the TV screen. And she didn't even end up using the Monday footage because the lighting wasn't very good but she's fun to talk to so it was still fun. We also had this yummy but unusual tea that was Vanilla and Krauter (herbs? I think) flavor and she made pasta for lunch.

Then I went to the German Spy Museum, which my dad told me to check out and it was pretty cool, there are lots of interactive activities like a lie detector test and a laser maze and puzzles to solve. I think it would have been more fun as a kid (indeed there were lots of families with kids) but even with one other person to go with I would have been able to do the partner activities and maybe done the laser maze which seemed cool but I would have felt weird doing it by myself so idk. But there were also spy tools on display like mini radios, bags and lipstick with hidden cameras, a microphone hidden in a pen, and tiny audio recorders so it was really cool to see those. And everything was in English and German <3

After that I went to the Berlinische Galerie. I was a bit behind schedule so I only had about 90 minutes there. Never rush an art student at an art gallery cuz I love to examine every single piece and then read the little info card, think about the info card, look at the piece again, look at all the pieces on display in the same room, think about the connection between them all that the curator wanted to highlight, think about the information about the artist that was given at the start of the exhibit, think about what information may have been left out, think about what was happening in the world when the piece was made, how it makes me feel, how the artist achieved certain textures, relate the art to my own art, feel inadequate, get depressed, etc etc so I take a really long time and 90 minutes is not enough time even if the gallery is on the smaller side. But there were some cool exhibits.

The first installation by Nasan Tur was in a big room with taxidermied animals on the ground made to look like they were shot along with big paintings? of hands making shadow puppets and a video installation of a female hunter being interviewed.

Then there was a retrospective on Hans Uhlmann in the man section of the gallery. He was an engineer originally but then he became an artist and mostly made abstract, geometric metal sculptures and sketches, as well as abstract drawings with chalk. He has a few sculptures around Berlin. I had never heard of him before so it was really informative and beyond art he led an interesting life too.

There was also a room about urban planning I think, this part was all in German so I didn't fully get it. And another room about building structures with fungi, wood, and mud. In the center of the room was a little house the artists had constructed out of wood and fungi panels they grew themselves that you could sit inside on benches with pink and yellow pillows dyed with fungi dyes and there were guest book to sign as well it was really cute.

The second floor of the gallery is the permanent exhibition with classical, historical art. This is where I started to run out of time but I did see the impressionism and expressionism sections, as well as the Dada section (that one's always obvious because there's always some funky random shit happening, for instance in this room there was a figure of a pig suspended from the ceiling) but there were some Hannah Hoch pieces! Very cool to see in person. What was especially interesting about this section was that in almost every room there was a sensory version of a select painting. For example there was a Eugene Spiro painting titled Tänzerin Baladine Klossowska. It's of the painter's younger sister in a black ruffled dress with gold trim and in front of the painting is a 3-D relief version with a real fabric dress that people can touch if they can't see the painting. I'm not doing a good job explaining it so here's a picture but I'd never seen that before and I thought it was cool so there

Well after the gallery I was really tired from walking around and standing all day so I decided to go home and on the way I realized I was really hungry so I stopped at a restaurant and got wontons, Tom Kah Gai soup, and crispy chicken with green curry to go and had dinner at home. I met my host's other roommate who is the closest to my age. She is studying something computer science-adjacent, it include mechanics in some way and on Tuesday she has her final semester project (building a rocket from scratch, predicting the trajectory, launching the rocket and hoping that the parachute opens and the rocket survives the landing). She was also very nice. Sadly I ordered too much food so I had to save some for Tuesday but it was actually quite tasty and spicy which I could never say about Asian food in Stuttgart.

After dinner my host and I talked about art. I showed her the photobook I made for my photography class and she showed me the photographs she had taken for her classes and was trying to decide which ones to take with her to the exhibition. She's a really good artist, I felt a bit silly showing her my stuff and then she pulls out these innovative and abstract photos that look really cool. I seriously think she's amazing but idk I tried not to be weird about it since we just met.

Then I went to bed because my feets and my legs hurt

#germany #study abroad #travel abroad #berlin

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passed-up-for-peace-of-mind · 5 months

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12.29.23 9:38pm

What’s up, guys; it’s ya boy, pufpom! Actively trying to listen to an episode of naddpod while I journal (it is impossible; I am stopping now). Watched almost 6 hours of tv today (pitch perfect 1, 2, 3). Tomorrow: Bumper in Berlin. DInky has been a wonderful joy today. Perfect sibling. Many a fantastic laugh shared between us. Went to the bank again (third time in the past 10 days!) and then went to Isaiah’s art show where I saw some art that made me smile and had a couple of nice conversations. I can’t believe a mere three days ago I was sitting in a chair in front of my toilet gagging every couple of minutes while wishing I were just asleep again or perhaps not alive! Back in the groove (still sad at times but the passive undercurrent of anger is working pretty well). Still haven’t told a soul minus my mother, Dinky, and Robert. Can’t wait to go back to [college I attend] and inevitably have everyone ask me how he’s doing and have to choose between the phrases “we broke up” and “he broke up with me.” Is the first one dishonest? Is the second one bitter? We won’t know until we try and then immediately feel awkward and shameful about our choice, hooray! Hahaha. This is actually only funny to me, and I do not feel stressed about it. I’m the one with the heating pad that I’m wearing like a shirt. I’m the one with the roommate who’s going to fix my pants. I’m the one who’s not indulging in any unhealthy post-breakup behaviors. I’m the one who is going to prevent both a manic AND depressive episode in light of this breakup. Yeah, I said it. Bipolar 2 is no match for me, 100mg of lamotrigine, and my dad’s keyboard. I’m already brushed and everything. Mouthguard IN. Bedtime and shit. Because I don’t want to be on my laptop for too long because it makes my eyes hurt, and I’m almost done with this episode of naddpod. Ugh, I still have to do my duolingo. Not everything is perfect all the time. Anyway, thank you for joining me. Bless you, angels. Love from pufpom.

#diary #personal story #thoughts #breakup

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antihero6912 · 5 months

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2023.

Oh what a year it's been.

Dear Diary,

it blows my mind that this year is already coming to an end. We started off strong with getting two wedding dates set and going wedding dress shopping right at the beginning of January. Fell in love with a dress instantly, had too much time to look at the pictures so I started regretting it haha but it was awesome trying on dresses with my two best friends and my mom. We went skiing in good old Veysonnaz right after, we had an amazing house with a jacuzzi overlooking the alps.

We celebrated our 9 year anniversay as an engaged couple and I went to my very first ITB, which was great to see but also very scary because my mom went in to surgery when I was stuck in Berlin and I worried all through my meetings. Luckily everything turned out good and she was able to fly to Spain with us a few weeks later. My entire family went on a cruise starting from Mallorca to celebrate my moms 65th birthday and we had the absolute best time just being together and travelling Europe. The silent party was so much fun and I will never forget all of us dancing and singing on the deck.

For the first time in my life I bought my own tennis racket haha. Ran 5k for work, had a pretty good Bachelorrette Party (honestly expected more but it is what it is) and we finally got married July 15th. We had perfect weather all day and I only cried a little bit lol. We went to Hamburg on a little mini honeymoon to see the Harry Potter theatre and to the ocean right after just enjoying being together and celebrating my new last name. My sister in law moved and I got to spend an entire day at the zoo with my niece. Went to my first german football league game, celebrated Sabs wedding and then, after 13 years of me travelling to her, my host sister finally got to come to Germany and spend 2,5 weeks with us right before our wedding. We travelled to Netherlands and all around Germany and we absolutely loved showing them everything and how we live our lifes here.

September 16th, 2023 we got married. We partied. We danced all night. We did shots. My brother gave a speech which made me cry for an hour straight. My dad must have LOVED seeing us that way. He was dearly missed but we danced with and for him.

Our honeymoon to the maldives finally filled that gap that I have been feeling since leaving the maldives. I honestly could go back every single year. The only thing I hated was flying through Qatar and us having to spend almost 200 bucks on a bunk bed on our last night due to our lay over being 9 hours haha. I turned 30 looking at dolphins and I was so happy. We bought a new sofa (finally) and Sab got pregnant but did not tell me for the better part of 9 weeks. This made me really sad given that she claims to be my best friend and I always thought it would be a "I think I'm pregnant" text and then testing but it is what it is.

In October our entire firm went to Rhodes and I cannot remember the last time I laughed that much, drank that much, danced that much and sang that much. It was a pure party for 3 days straight with barely any sleep and I loved it so much. It was the best trip ever and I wish we could have one like that every year.

H and I went to see my brother and his family for my nephews party and then him and the boys came to visit us and stay with us for three nights, which was awesome. Between all that, I finally managed to go back home for Thanksgiving and I am happy to finally have experienced that. I've been wanting to go back for that holiday for ever and now I know I did not miss out on anything haha We still had an amazing time together though.

All in all, it was a great year with a few downs but a lot of ups. Turning 30 is not too bad and I love being married to my best friend :)

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pureimaginefic · 9 months

Text

September 1997

"Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du Yeah" played on the radio of Kellie’s car as Kyle sat in the backseat buckled up tightly, a small bookbag sitting on the seat next to him.

The car began to slow down and finally stopped, he sat up a bit to look out the window. Several other children and their parents gathered outside on a lawn as everyone filed in and out of a building.

"You ready?" Kellie asked turning back to look at him, he stayed silent and shrugged. She smiled and got out of the car, she opened his door for him "Here we are" she said as he unbuckled his seat belt and slid out of the car, Kellie grabbed his little backpack. "You okay?" she asked kneeling to his level, she put his backpack on for him.

"I'm scared" he said.

"I know sweetie, everyone's first day of school is scary, but don't worry everything will be fine" she said.

"I don't know anyone" he said timidly.

"Well sure you do, Harry and Adam and Bradley J. and Neilson are all in your class, and I'm sure you guys will make some new friends.”

"I wish dad was here" he said sadly.

"I'm sure he does too" she said fixing his shirt, she stood up and held her hand out. "Want to go in?" she asked, he reluctantly took her hand and she walked with him inside.

"See doesn't this place look nice?" she asked as they walked into the classroom.

"Hi" a woman said as she approached them.

"Hi" Kellie said to her.

"I'm Miss Cavanaugh, I'm the kindergarten teacher" she said extending her hand.

"Hi, Kellie Mitchell and this is Kyle" she said as Kyle looked up at her.

"Well hi Kyle" Miss Cavanaugh said crouching down.

"Hi" he said shyly.

"Someone's a little nervous about their first day" Kellie said to her.

"Aww well don't worry everyone here's a little nervous about starting school, but we're going to have fun this year okay?" she asked.

"Okay" he said smiling.

"Feel free to take a look around" she said to Kellie as she stood up and walked away.

"Well here's a familiar face" Kellie said as she and Kyle walked over to a table where Harry sat.

"Hi Kyle" Harry said as he sat down.

"Hi Harry" he said setting his backpack on the table and sat down.

"Hi Harry, you excited for your first day of school?" Kellie asked.

"Yeah!" Harry said happily.

"Kel" Christina said.

"Oh hey" Kellie said as they hugged.

"Can you believe this day has come?" Christina said looking at Kyle and Harry sitting at a small table.

"I know, their first day of school" Kellie said "I just wish the guys were here for this" she said.

"Mm apparently they've got some charity basketball game this week in Berlin" Christina said.

"Okay parents!" Miss Cavanaugh said "I'm so sorry but I'm going to have to ask everyone to leave, class is about to begin" she said.

"I've got to go now okay?" Kellie said to Kyle.

"Okay" Kyle said sadly.

"But I will be right back here at 3 to pick you up" she said crouching to his level.

"Okay, bye mom" Kyle said.

"Bye sweetie, have a good first day okay?" she said kissing his head. She and Christina left the classroom as Miss Cavanaugh shut the door.

"Well good morning boys and girls" she said cheerfully "Welcome to kindergarten" she said. “Like I’ve said before my name is Miss Cavanaugh and I’ll be your teacher for the next year” she said happily “Now let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves” she said “How about we start right here in the front” she said approaching a little girl sitting at a table. They went around the room announcing themselves “What’s your name sweetheart?” she asked Bradley who sat at a table with Neilson.

“Bradley J.” Bradley said to her in small voice.

“Well hi Bradley, welcome” she said smiling at him.

“I’m Neilson” Neilson said.

“Neilson? Wow such an interesting name, welcome” Miss Cavanaugh said to him.

“I’m Adam” Adam said to her.

“Hi Adam, welcome to kindergarten” she said sweetly.

“I’m Harry” Harry said smiling at her.

“Hi Harry, I can see you’re very excited for your first day huh?” she asked, he nodded “Well great, we’re going to have a lot of fun this year, you’ll see” she said to him. “You’re Kyle right?” she asked Kyle, he nodded “Yes I remember you, welcome again, Kyle” she said smiling at him.

“Thanks” he said to her smiling.

“And how about you? What’s your name hon?” she asked another little boy sitting across from Kyle.

“Damien Winchester” he said.

“Well welcome Damien, I look forward to working with you all this year and we are going to have so much fun together” she said walking to her desk.

Kyle looked over at Damien who turned to look at him as well, they stared at each other for a few seconds before turning back to the front as Miss Cavanaugh handed everyone a workbook.

The day went on and soon the kids were let out to the playground for recess.

“Adam!” Kyle called out, they both ran towards the jungle gym “Race you to the top!” Kyle said to him as he and Adam climbed on the jungle gym's steel bars. They giggled as they climbed higher and higher up.

"It's too far up" Adam said to him as Kyle kept climbing upwards.

Kyle reached the top and sat on the bars, his legs dangling through.“Ha! I win!” he proclaimed proudly as he stuck his arms up in the air victorious, suddenly someone reached over, pushing Kyle through the opening.

He hit his head on the steel bar and fell to the ground "Ow" he whined he looked up to see a blurry figure blocked out by the sun, he could hear them cackling wickedly, laughing at him.

"Kyle, Kyle, are you okay?" Adam asked ducking into the area inside the jungle gym. A few drops of blood escaped a small cut on Kyle's forehead.

"Kyle, honey, are you okay?" Miss Cavanaugh asked rushing over to him.

Kyle looked back up to see the person at the top was gone.

“What happened did you fall?” she asked.

"Someone pushed me" he said.

“Did you see who it was?” she asked.

“I did” Adam said.

“Okay, can you point them out to me?” she asked.

“It was him” Adam said pointing towards Damien.

“Thank you Adam, come on let's go clean you up" she said helping Kyle up “Do you want to go with Miss Pillsbury? She’ll get you a band aid” she said passing Kyle off to another teacher.

“Okay” he said.

“Can you take him to the nurse please?” she asked Miss Pillsbury.

“Sure, come on” she said taking Kyle’s hand and taking him back into the building.

Damien smiled smugly as he watched Kyle go inside "Damien Winchester!" Miss Cavanaugh yelled.

"There you go" a woman said putting a band aid on Kyle's forehead.

"Thanks" Kyle said to her.

"In here" Miss Cavanaugh said dragging Damien into the room. “You owe Kyle an apology, you could've seriously hurt him...apologize to Kyle please" she said to Damien, he looked up at her "Now" she said.

"Sorry" Damien said reluctantly, rolling his eyes.

"Thank you, now come on, time for a time out, Kyle you can join everyone else outside okay?” she asked “Let’s go” she said to Damien as he smiled wickedly at Kyle as he left the room with Miss Cavanaugh.

“What happened?” Harry asked Kyle as they sat in the classroom after recess.

“I was climbing on the jungle gym and he pushed me off” Kyle said to him.

“But why?” Harry asked, Kyle shrugged.

"Jerk" Adam said.

"Adam!" Kyle said.

"He is!" Adam said to him.

"Who is he anyways?" Harry asked.

"A jerk" Adam said.

"Stop saying that!" Kyle said to him.

The bell soon rang, parents gathered out on the front lawn to pick up their children, Kyle was walking towards the entrance when Damien pushed past him, shoving him aside. Kyle looked at him as he greeted his mother. Miss Cavanaugh approached Damien’s mother and introduce herself, they conversed for a few seconds as she gestured towards Kyle.

"Kyle! sweetie!" Kellie yelled, he made his way towards her "Hi, how was...what happened?" she asked noticing the band aid on his forehead.

"I fell at recess" Kyle said to her.

"Oh honey, are you okay?" she asked, he nodded.

“Miss Mitchell” Miss Cavanaugh said approaching Kellie.

“Oh hi” Kellie said to her.

“Hi, I’m so sorry to do this but I could I talk to you for a couple minutes?” Miss Cavanaugh asked her.

“Oh yeah, course” Kellie said.

“Okay great would you mind coming inside?” Miss Cavanaugh asked.

“Oh, sure, come on sweetie” she said to Kyle as they went back into the building.

Kyle and Damien sat on opposite corners of the play area, Kyle playing with some blocks he found, forming a tall tower. Damien then approached him and knocked it over, Kyle looked up at him, confused.

“Why are you being so mean to me?” Kyle asked.

“Because I can” Damien said to him “My dad owns this city and I can do anything I want” Damien said.

“Leave me alone!” Kyle said to him.

"Or what?" Damien asked "You going to tell on me again?" he asked.

"Yeah I will!" Kyle said to him.

"You're such a tattle tale” Damien said to him “I’ll tell my dad to kick out of this town and he will too!” Damien said.

“My goodness” Daphne said as she and Kellie sat in front of Miss Cavanaugh’s desk “I am so sorry” she said to Kellie “Believe me, he will be punished accordingly” Daphne said.

“No, please, I’m sure it was an accident” Kellie said to her.

“Well I made Damien apologize but I just wanted you two to be aware of the situation” Miss Cavanaugh said to them.

“Yes, of course, thank you” Kellie said to her.

“Mommy” Kyle said coming to her side “I want to go home” he said.

“Oh sure sweetie, thank you so much for letting me know about this” Kellie said to Miss Cavanaugh.

“Yes, of course, Kyle, I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” she asked, Kyle nodded.

“Damien, let’s go” Daphne said to him “Miss Cavanaugh, thank you, and I will assure you nothing like this will ever happen again” Daphne said to her.

“Thank you Mrs. Winchester” Miss Cavanaugh said as Daphne grabbed Damien’s hand and pulled him from the room.

"Come on, let's get home I want to take a better look at that, what do you say about getting ice cream after dinner?" Kellie asked Kyle as they approached her car.

"Okay" he said happily.

“Excuse me? Excuse me” Daphne said approaching Kellie “Hi, sorry, I just wanted Damien to apologize for his behavior” Daphne said to her.

“I already did!” Damien said as Daphne yanked on his arm.

“I want to hear you do it, so go ahead” Daphne said to him.

Damien sighed “Sorry” he said rolling his eyes.

“And I promise you nothing like this will ever happen again…correct?” she asked Damien.

“Yes” Damien said reluctantly.

“Good, let’s go” Daphne said pulling him towards their car.

A man opened the car's back door and they slid in, he went around to the driver's side and got in.

“You ready to go home?” Kellie asked,Kyle nodded “Okay” she said as he got into the backseat, she shut the door and he buckled his seatbelt.- The Winchester Chronicles; ch.3: The Saga Begins

#original characters #bsb fan fiction #jr. bsb series #the winchester chonicles #the winchester saga #back to school 1997

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tomybeloveddeadones · 1 year

Text

You were one of the first people I met after my six year australia visit. It happened by coincidence. You instantly recognised me. You seemed so happy to see me, I felt so welcome. Being back in a country I never wanted to return to you were one of the only people that made me feel like 'yes, somehow this is home'. Maybe it was because I knew you my whole life. I don't know. But it really mattered. You made me feel better and see some light in a dark dark time. We exchanged numbers and you asked, if we could meet all together with out mother's, like 'in the good old days'. Few months afterwards I spent some time with my best friend, yours too, and him and me noticed while going through his pictures, that you met in Berlin. We couldn't believe it, then we celebrated our fate. He was like 'come over and visit us, let's party together!', it never happened, life got in the way. Then on Christmas day I went out clubbing in the Mobilat for the first time. I was there with my, at this time, good friend. I was shocked when he told me he had met and talked to you. I didn't see you.. The next notice was 'Louis has gone. He left us.' Something in me broke that moment. At first I thought 'it's just a bad joke, that's not true. How? Why? No no fucking way.' But it's the truth, you're gone. And currently you're the only person I really wanna talk to, because you would probably get and understand me. It's hard recognizing I'll never see you again. I always thought, we would spend our life's far apart, but once in a while together. Until we are old. I always imagined me dying before you. And now you're gonna travel one last time from Berlin to us. So you can get a funeral at the same place my dad will have his second one, after his exhumation. I miss you, and at the same time I'm somehow angry. I need you, I wanna talk to you, I wanna meet you. I want you to be alive. I can't comprehend all of this. You were so so young. It wasn't your time to leave this world. It was way too soon, and I would give my life for you, but there's no way to get you back. You're dead and cold, like my dad, like me. But I'm cursed to 'live' on. I'm not living I'm existing.

#Louis

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scentofgenocide · 1 year

Text

Not only did I lose you,

I lost myself too.

Fears on my pillow,

Under the unlucky Jew.

I don’t know why it all tumbled out as it did, sadness and spite. Too much truth. You talk too much. You interrupt too much. You said too much. Spiky and stuttered. can’t even spit it out. When you do spit it out, it’s just blood and salt. You know he’ll just turn it on you, right? You’ll get close and then you’re responsible for him. You’re already responsible for him. When people talk against him, you’re ready to fight. You never felt that way about your other fathers. You never wanted to defend their honor. What honor? You turn to an angry dog, rabid and feral.

Through some weird, twisted, fucked up psychic event, it all came tumbling out. The lost years. The grief, the anger.

I heard him say though, “I’d like to hear your story, for personal reasons…” and trail off. I don’t even know why I’m having trouble writing this. It was a chasm. It was a canyon. It was a forest full of branches and sand.

I don’t know why they are intertwined in my mind. There’s crossover. I will recount it, as best as I can, because it was significant.

The non-binary student mentioned their family stuff to him, getting in touch with their half brother, the similarities. They mentioned ties to Israel and Berlin, grandparents they never knew. I was taken aback, and out it tumbled:

Hope yours goes better than mine. We have remarkably similar stories. Wow. Yeah, my dad’s from Israel. Abandoned me as a kid. Didn’t hear from him for many years. I’m adopted. He got back in touch 25 years later.

And he paused, in his measured, lanky baritone, “if you’re comfortable talking about it, I’d like to know more. For personal reasons.” I know he meant his daughter. The missing piece. The dark places, the loose threads. And the non-binary student interrupted. That was supposed to be our talk. It’s not the students fault I bleed all over. It’s not their fault my story went awry. It’s no one’s fault. But I’m furious, furious, furious.

He and I walked outside, and I just. It all came out. The anger, the frustration. I could hear it dripping on the pavement like melting snow, thinking too myself, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, this will only be used against you. You took everything over and you let it fly. Muck, slime, bile. Blood. So much blood.

He asked why my dad got in touch. I said I’ve probed, I’ve asked, and he just isn’t forthcoming. I’ve asked about my grandparents. I told him he just writes to me about all the great vacations they go on. He clipped in his funny German dry humor, “oh, well, that’s great. Why would he do that? Why would be even get in touch?” Reiterate. I don’t know.

I saw him listen, I saw him show compassion, I saw him struggle not to linger longer.

I Said that Ive asked about my grandparents and the Holocaust, and gotten no answer. He said maybe my dad didn’t even know. Many people didn’t talk about it. I said I knew, but I wish my dad would tell me the truth. I bristled a bit, he apologized. It’s not your fault, I said, it’s just frustrating.

However, when we parted, I could feel him a bit shaken, maybe a bit rattled. Maybe someday you’ll ache like I ache. I could be projecting. Maybe he isn’t thinking about me at all. Probably not. Maybe.

This journey plagues me like an illness, a blister, it opens and festers,

But perhaps most acutely

I love him even more

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