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moonlightjeno · 4 years

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swashbuckle and islands

a/n : this boy will be the death of me i love him so much. excuse my horrible grammar. my fav gif, and has nothing to do with the story lol but enjoyyy

genre : angst + fluff

pairing : readerxjeno & readerxmark

word count : 2.6k

okay,

okie, be ready for this mess

and excuse any non spaced words my space bar isn’t working properly

cool so your from an island

which imma call Skye bc i can

now your mum is originally from Skye, and had like second cousins of a cousin or whatever to throne but she married you father who was from the mainland

which is a big no no but at the time she didn’t care bc she was so in love

skip forward a couple of years and the father is a complete ass

doesn’t work or really do much except order your mum around

anyone who has a wonderful father or really good parents im sorry don’t attack me this is for the story

so, mum has had you and your older brother, whom your brother continues to admire your father bc he really just wants love and is hella lost in this mess of a world

Moving on

you used to have a really good relationship with your father until he changed.

cheated on your mother, and would blame it on you mum

in response you really just tried to help you mum get through this mess

big big mess

your brother, at the beginning helped and tried to calm your father

boy kinda gave up, hela understandable

and left to the mainland to study medicine

wooot go him

but you were devastated because you were now alone

now bc your brother has left your father has really worsened and blocks your freedom more and more

The point where you were literally only allowed to like go to school, work in the fields and be a servant

sksksk

now remember how your mum was like the second cousin or smth to the royal crown?

Twas was importanttt

that managed to get you a study abroad year in london,

queue your best friend mark entering

this boy showed you what freedom was and felt like for the first time since your father went off rails

iss been like a good 13 years and you're like 16 ??

I digress

mark literally made you feel more yourself because of his natural outgoing and easy behavior

It really was pretty amazing

And then the hiding and going out late at night was over

It was back to no friends, working at the field

sad life tbh

I must note, that because mark lived in canada bc why tf not

y’all couldn’t really communicate

this is set when pirates where a thing, think of pirates of the caribbean

I love those movies

okie, progress two years

of you thanks to you mum’s second cousin related human lol

you became friends with the cousins friends daughter

y’all really had known each other since they were smol

but hadn’t really been friends, bc the girl was pretty quite and a beaut

even her own father treated her better than she treated her own daughter

smh, ik this is a cliche live with it

but overall she was a really good person and kinda managed to sneak you around the island when you weren't on “duty” for your father

though its not that you didn’t like working in the fields bc you loved helping out with the animals and occasionally give food to those who were less fortunate than you and really couldn’t afford it

being a trooper, that you are you often told your friend idk wanna give her a name so y’all could come up with one if it were up to me it would be lilith about what you would see around the island and how the country was pretty not doing a okay

she would listen and talk about her own problems and how she wished she could travel and paint everything

Bonding over traveling yep yeo

one day, you were supposed to work in the fields as you tend to have to do to the cows, and sheep and horses, while picking up the apples? from the trees ??

Idk i don’t farm

either wayyyy

you had finished your tasks early, and had struggled, and i mean stRuGgLed to get away from your father

he was in one of his moods today, shouting at everyone and refusing to admit he needed help

it was a constant reminder of every bad thing every failure that could happen in your life every thing you didn’t want for yourself or your mum who had slowly been getting sick and y’all had some money that could have helped her but your father thought that she deserved the illness

and i quote he said “everything happens for a reason child, if your mother had treated me and had been a good person this wouldn’t have happened to her, but alas some people deserve what they get”

skskskks

he continued to say how “i on the other hand, have been a good man all my life, have always helped others so i don’t get sick”

this man i swear to god this has actually happened help

being very much done with your father who you really wished would just disappear and leave you and your mom who no longer lived with you but now lived with lilith to be

you had thought of running away for a very long time, though never knew how to get off the island it seemed impossible

sure you knew how to fight, somewhat by watching the guards and the little training mark you had taught your two years ago.

missing mark hours but it wouldn’t compare to the guards of the royals who would never aid you

and even if they had, you had never learned how to sail which was ironic as the island you lived in wasn’t very large. Your only method of transportation has been your legs and your families faithful horse lethian ?? who really was your favorite out of all the animals

running away from the trapped life had always felt like a dream, one that you had lived for for the small year in london with mark

you thought about running away again, the idea of sneaking into a trading boat slowly forming in your mind

you could take her your mum and lilith and travel the world go to london again and paris and canada and re-unite with the friend you missed the most

a smile had formed on your previous grim face, the dream something you held onto until your eyes opened and smoke covered the sky

a ringing began in your ears and you tried to stop it, your hands covering your ears in an attempt to stop the noise but the ringing only got stronger

the sky was black, shots were heard were the village people yelled in panic

you looked out towards the sea and could see the outline of a ship

a very large ship

oh shit

a pirate ship

the flag blew proudly in the boat and from where you stood the bone white skull that contrasted against the black around it was made visible everytime the wind blew

you gasped, everything anyone had told you about pirates were that they weren’t to be trusted

they were ruthless and would do nothing to stop from getting what they wanted

the stories you'd heard all came to the same conclusion you see the flag you run in the other direction

you pace quickened and in small time you were running towards the blazing village now up in smokes fire and fog covering the bakery, and fields

the school that had taught you the basics of reading and writing until girls weren’t allowed to attend was a blaze royal guards their black and purple uniforms waved their hands around and pointed their too heavy too unbalanced swords not being of much use

mom

she should be safe

safe with lilith you thought, looking back towards were the small castle stood its bold flag still flying proudly in the grey and black sky

safe , shes safe you keep telling yourself a constant buzz that you repeated over and over to yourself in order to continue moving towards the castle walls

you only lasted a solid five minutes before the guards were holding the civilians back

you sighed angry these idiots being more preoccupied with holding back the citizens who were trying to get to safety behind the castle walls than actually dealing with the threat at hand

who hired them really??

being the stubborn human you are you decided to head towards the back entrance as yuo saw a flash of blonde hair headin towards the back gate of the castle

oh no was your immediate thought their gonna get to lilith and mum

all the guards had been directed out of castle except a few that had stayed inside to keep the royal fam safe the infirmary had been left unguarded

you looked around trying to look for a familiar face, a familiar guard who youd seen at a practice lilith had dragged you too she had said it was too “admire suitors” you had shaken your head and laughed

you had no interest in tying yourself to a man that would treat you like something to throw around but you let her revel in her fantasies

no familiar face was found so you turned and ran towards the blonde head you had seen walk towards the back entrance grabbing a sword from one of the dead guards

your cursed the clothes women were given making it impossible to run in impossible to fight in

the blonde boy turned around at your approach, he was young you noticed

probably your age, his grin was deviant and his eyes were mocking as she approached

“please” you tried “don’t hurt hurt anyone else”

the boy looked at you with a puzzled look at laughed, slashing away at the thorns and vines that encircled the back door to the castle as he found the lock and tried to break it open

you got closer, looking at the broken glass bottles that littered the floor and torches that lit up the fogged street

the boy was too busy with the look to realize the girl that had come behind him and hit him in the back of the head with the swords dull pommel the boy let put a yelp before collapsing at your feet

your small victory lasted a small time and before you noticed the boy you had tied with the thorns and vines from the door, which continued to be locked

your mum and lilith as far as you knew safe

began to stir and as his eyes opened another boy appeared at the end of the alley

his hair seemed to be part of the night sky, falling over his dark eyes.

“mark!” the black haired boy cried, his hand at his scimitar pointed directed towards you his other hand had managed to slip a dagger out of god knows where and sliced mark’s binds

mark the name sent a shock through you and you took a closer look at the young boy whose eyes were now wide open no anger shown

but instead amusement and the joyous spark you had once known

he looked so different

the black haired boy still had a sword at your throat and you swallowed briefly

“mark?” you gasped feeling the tip of the sword against your neck a small movement and it would nick your skin, blood would swell

‘Mark’ looked at you again and laughed,

the black haired boy looked confused “let her go jeno”

jeno was like ‘excuse me ? she knocked you unconscious no i'm not doing that’ he didn't say it but mark understood and laughed again this time it was more mischievous a feral grin adorned his features

“let her go, she’s coming with us” jeno and you were both like huh? has this boy gone mad?

probably letss be realll

“umm no im not” you snapped at the boy you once knew, you glared at jeno who had regrettably removed his sword away from your neck but had placed the dagger threateningly close to your back ashe forced you to move along

you didn’t get an answer from mark who still seemed very entertained by the whole situation

he had changed so much since you’d last seen him *sigh*

you three walked back towards the village and you hadn’t realized how the screams of pain and fear were no longer heard

more than a few guards littered the floors and you tried not to gasp as jeno forcefully continued to move you towards the sea its waters black

the walk to the pirate boat seemed to last ages, the sun had begun to set in the sky casting dark purple and red shadows above the black water that didn’t reflect any light. It broke your heart to see the usually clear water be black, the animals that lived in the waters probably struggling to survive.

when you finally arrived, the panic began to settle in again. you didn’t know if your mum and lilith were safe, you didn’t know what would happen and the boy you knew two years ago had changed so much that you could no longer read what he was thinking

the ship loomed in front of you, you hear the small buzz of chatter from the ship and laughter

why was there laughter in such a horrible place ??

“Come on” mark said, already walking getting onto the ship, not looking back at the mess they had left behind

You no longer felt the sharp prick of a dagger or sword at your back, but instead it had been replaced by a strong hand guiding you towards the ship

the contact startled you, and you straightened and continued to walk forward the ship only a few feet away, you still held onto the rock that you had hit mark with, your sword taken away by jeno

you forced your feet to stop moving, because one more step and you’d be on the pirate’s boat, and ducked, and made a weak attempt at attacking the black haired boy behind you hitting him with the small rock you had on the leg

you begin to move away from the boat. The victory lasted a solid second before jeno had his arms around you, pinning your hands behind your back. No longer smiling, or understanding in his dark eyes. you glared at him and then at mark who had finally turned around, a sort of sadness passed over his features before he spoke

“you can’t run away y/n” he said calmly. “remember in london? when you dream about running away, leaving this island and exploring the world? away from your father?”

his words shocked you, but you didn’t want to leave your mum she had no one else

“i can’t just leave mark !! my mum, she’s still there and i can’t just leave her with father” a look of recognition and understanding flitted through jeno’s face and reflected in mark

“i know, i know but if you stay here and go back” the boy shook his head, the dark of the night making his blonde hair a dull light in the fog,

you knew, that in many ways he was right. if you did go back the villagers had seen you with the pirates, being taken by them as the village had burned down and you weren't scared. the worst scenario would be that if you did go back they would imprison you, ask you for information

hurt mum, hurt lilith even is she was part of the royals

you felt the tears well up in your eyes, and refused to let them fall

“we aren’t all that bad” peeped jeno’s voice who had softened again, until you looked at him and his gaze hardened

you forced yourself a small smile, and placed your foot on the board of the boat

“Let’s go swashbucklers” you said,

after all, the stories you’d heard had come from your father, and all his stories were a lie.

a/n : i hope y’all enjoyed that. ik there wasn't much jeno lol but i’m planning on king this a series if you want? send me an ask, if you do! either way,

peace out luvs,

stay safe

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choco-chip-cookie · 7 years

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BabyDaddy!Cal Pt.1

A/N: AHHHHHHHH, I told y'all I’d be back for a sequel. I’m hoping this sequel gets just as much attention as the first series did, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. If you’ve read the first series, then you already know that I’m all about drama and that’s exactly what this series is gonna be. Anyway, this is the first chapter and you all should look forward for many to come. If you’ve read the first series you know that I need 100 notes and feedback for the next chapter. Enjoy my lil nuggets💕

Oh and most of this chapter is in italics because they’re flashbacks.

**WARNING**: Nothing besides profanity, but I’m sure you knew that

**Previous Series: SugarDaddy!Cal **(Read this first)

Parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty{END}

The moment you found out you were pregnant you knew that shit was about to hit the fan.You weren’t just the average twenty year old, barely financially stable college student. No. You were also the girlfriend of a famous rockstar who is in a world famous band. Plus, you also happened to sleep with his best friend and bandmate before finding out you were pregnant, therefore have no clue who’s baby it is. On top of that you were being watched, loved, and even hated by millions of people daily. Oh, and how could you forget that you were helping your best friends plan their wedding as well? Life couldn’t be any better right?

So, here you are in your living room trying to ignore your overwhelming emotions by catching up on Supernatural and eating for two while your boyfriend is out somewhere angrily driving around on the streets. Oh, and what led him to doing that was catastrophic.

Let’s start from the very beginning, shall we? Only three weeks after you first found out about the new life growing inside of you.

“Wait….so, you’re pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“And you have no idea who’s baby it is?”

“Nope.”

“Well fuck.” Ashton said with a starstruck expression, sliding his hands over his face and leaning back in his seat.

You had decided to tell the most mature member of the band about your mishap, figuring that he would be the only who could help you at the moment. Connor and Felix had only been telling you to tell Calum, as well as been caught up in planning their dream wedding. It didn’t help that finals were approaching as well, so the three of you were drowning in essays and classes. You had texted Ashton to let him know that you needed to meet up ASAP, so here you were in the furthest corner of Starbucks conversing.

“Yeah, ain’t this some shit?” You sighed, pushing a few coily strands from you face.

“Have you told Calum?”

“Of course not, Ash.”

Ashton groaned and ran his fingers through his newly bleached locks, chewing his lip nervously.“How many months along are you?”

“Uh…I was a month and a week when I found out sooo…” You thought out the time in your head.“two months.”

“Are you gonna keep it?” Ashton knew that he was asking a lot of questions, but he couldn’t help it. This was going to go horribly wrong no matter what happened and you both knew that.

“The hell you mean? Of course Imma keep it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m just making sure.” The boy held his hands up in defense.“Well, how the hell are we going to hide this if you won’t tell him.”

“That’s why I called you. I most likely won’t be able to hide it when three months hits. I just look like I’ve gained some weight at the moment.” You demonstrated by turning to the side and showing him the slight pudge.

“Yep, definitely have to tell him soon.” He confirmed.“Uh, wow. Thanks for putting this weight on me.”

“Aww, you’re welcome.” You smiled and the older boy rolled his eyes.“I’m glad I don’t have to stress alone.”

After that day, Ashton had been the one helping you out. He’d be with you for the few doctor appointments you’ve had, when you had cravings that you couldn’t or didn’t feel like getting yourself, and most of all helping you hide your secret. You thought all was well, but Calum on the other hand was on edge. He didn’t know what he was so on edge about, however, but he was. You had suddenly began to invest all of your time into Ashton, hardly paying the Māori boy any attention. Calum was lucky to even get a peck or a text back from you nowadays. He didn’t know what was happening, all he did know was that he had only gotten you for barely even three months and he felt as if he was already losing you. That feeling is what led him to drinking on Michael couch at one in the morning.

“I don’t know, man. She’s just been so distant lately.” Calum sighed out as he took a sip of his beer.“Its nerve wrecking.”

“Why, though? It’s just Ashton.” Michael shrugged his shoulders.

“Yeah, and I used to think "It’s just Luke” until she had sex with him.“ Calum laughed coldly and Michael understood his point, but couldn’t help but to put up and argument.

"Yeah, but they were both drunk and grieving from relationship problems. She thought you were with that obsessive chick and that you moved on. Besides, Ashton definitely wouldn’t do that to you, mate.”

“Maybe.”

There was a long silence as they watched the people pass a soccer ball to each other on the large flat screen hung on Michael wall. After the blonde took the final few sips of his beer, he sat it onto the coffee table and decided to voice his opinion on the matter.

“You know what I think?”

“I’m not sure I want to know.” Calum joked.“What’s runnin’ through that thick skull of yours, mate?”

“I think Y/N’s pregnant.”

Calum coughed and spluttered as he choked on the alcoholic beverage, not expecting those words to fall from his friend’s lips.

“What?”

“I mean, think about it. She’s been distant, hanging out a lot with the most mature friend she’s probably got, and you two have tons of sex.”

“We do no-”

“I swear you’re reincarnations of rabbits, Cal.” Michael joked with seriousness and the Calum laughed.“ No, but seriously. You said she’s been sick and moodier, plus it looks like she’s gained some weight.”

“I don’t think she has.”

“How do you see her naked nearly twenty four hours a day and not notice she’s gained weight? What’s wrong with you?”

Calum rolled his eyes as Michael opened his laptop to pull-up recent photos on your Instagram. He scrolled down a few weeks ago and opened the picture in a new tab and then clicked the latest one you had uploaded. Once he put the pictures side by side, Calum immediately noticed the difference. It wasn’t completely noticeable, but once Michael had drawn attention to it it was very apparent to him.

“Do you see?”

“Oh my God.”

“I’m not saying it’s a hundred percent, but it’s something.” Michael shrugged his shoulders and got more comfortable on his couch.

Moments like these reminded Calum why he kept telling himself that Michael wasn’t as dumb as he like to tease him about. He might have been a doofus ninety percent of the time, but he had his genius moments. Calum had decided to text you right then and there to question you, praying that you’d reply.

~ Cal: Babe, I have a serious question •• 10 min later •• ~ Y/N: ..okay?? ~ So uh, me and Mike were talking about how you’ve been sick recently right? ~ Right ~ Then he pointed out that you’ve been gaining some weight lately and uh.. ~ Damn….Ik I’ve been eating more and gaining a lil weight, but you ain’t gotta draw attention to it ~ No no no, don’t take offense I’m sorry ~ Lowkey just hurt my feelins, lmaoo ~ My bf just told me I’m getting too fat ~ No, Y/N, babe that’s no what I meant I swear ~ You still look amazing, I promise it’s just…me and Michael were thinking that maybe you’re pregnant? ~ ….Tf? ~ I mean we do have a lot of sex and Ik you’re on the pill, but it’s a possibility ~ Cal I just had my period ~ I’m not pregnant, just eating good ~ Well okay…I love you ~ I love you too, you ass

Although Calum felt relieved and could enjoy the rest of his night, your nerves were sky high as you frantically texted Ashton that the boys were on to you. About thirty minutes later Ashton hadn’t calmed your nerves, but only made them worse as he told you that you were going to tell both Calum and Luke about your pregnancy. Now that leads us to what caused Calum to roam the streets in the wee hours of the morning.

You were all gathered in Michael backyard as you ate takeout on the freshly cut grass. Even Connor and Felix had came around for the small get together. The two lovers had become pretty close with the guys as well, mainly being party buddies - specifically Connor. You were enjoying stuffing your face as you sat between Calum’s legs until Ashton reminded you of what you were actually here to do.

“Well, curly top has an announcement to make.”

“Ashton!”

“That’s why we’re really here, Y/N. Don’t act surprised.”

“Suck my dick.” You rolled your eyes as you crawled away from Calum and the blonde snorted.

“Cal does that enough for us all.”

“What’s the announcement, babe?” Calum questioned as you distanced yourself further and further away from him, not wanting to be directly beside him when you gave out the news.

By now both Conor and Felix had realized what you were going to be announcing since they were the first to know. The two guys also realized that Ashton must’ve known as well, which was why you spent so much time with him while they were absent. You were wringing your hands together nervously as your mentally prepared yourself for what could possibly happen once the words leave your lips.

“So, I uh…I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ashton lately, Calum and-”

“You’re not cheating on me right?” He interrupted and you frantically shook your head no, allowing him to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Of course not, he’s just been helping me out with a problem.”

“What’s the-”

“If you let me finish, you’ll find out.” You sassed and he nodded his head, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks when his friends stifled their laughter.

Taking a deep breath you continued,“I went to the doctor and found out that uh…I’m pregnant. Two and a half months pregnant at the moment.” You smiled nervously.

Calum’s eyes widened in shock as he let what you said soak into his brain before he shot up and pulled you to his chest, spinning you around swiftly. Michael was shouting about him knowing it proudly while Luke laughed and congratulated his friend.

“Holy shit, I’m gonna be a dad? This is fucking crazy!” Calum grinned, pulling back to see your expression. You just knew that he was going to be heartbroken in the next few moments, and clearly that expression was noticeable. “What’s wrong, babe?”

“I uh…I-I don’t know if it’s yours.” You spoke quietly and saw him furrow his eyes brows in confusion.

“W-What do you mean you don’t know if it’s mine?” Calum’s eyes studied your face trying to see if it was some joke, but knowing it wasn’t when he saw the tears of fear in your eyes.“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Cal, I’m sorry.”

He pulled away from you with an angered expression, his mind all over the place from the news.“Who elses could it be? Who else did you sleep with?”

Just at that moment everyone’s eyes turned to Luke and it dawned on both him and Calum that he was the other person. That you were possibly carrying his child. You all watched as the youngest band member’s eyes slowly widened at the realization, his world pausing for a few seconds.

“No. No, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Calum shook his head.“Hell no! You can’t possibly be- oh my God.”

Calum could feel his heart clenching at the thought. You just might be possibly carrying Luke’s baby. His girlfriend just may be pregnant with his best friends baby. Calum could only see red as he was suddenly charging at Luke and within seconds had him on the ground, repeatedly punching him. Luke, however, put up a good fight although he knew he sort of deserved this. Ashton roughly pulled Calum away whilst Michael had taken care of Luke, yelling at the both of them to calm down. Michael was getting through to Luke, but Calum was livid.

“How dare you take away the only person I truly love in life? Why would you fuck up something this big for me?!”

“It’s not like I did it on fucking purpose!” Luke argued back.

“Guys, we don’t even know who the baby’s father is yet.” Connor joined in trying to get them to calm down as well.“Most likely it’s Calum’s anyway, they’ve had sex who knows how many times.”

“Yeah, but it only takes that one time to get pregnant.” Michael pointed out and Connor shrugged and took a sip of his drink.

While everyone was arguing, you had took a seat in the grass to try to calm your nerves. This was too much for you at the moment and you had suddenly felt dizzy due to the amount of stress your body was in. You looked up when you felt a tap on your shoulder, smiling kindly as Felix handed you a bottled water.

“Thanks.”

“Could you all just kind of…calm down? This stress isn’t good for, Y/N.” Felix spoke up and everyone quieted down.

Calum broke free from Ashton’s strong grip and walked towards you. Honestly, you were quite scared as to what he would say to you, praying to God that he wasn’t going to leave you.

He simply held out his hand and said,“Give me my keys.”

“Where are you going?”

“Just give me my fucking keys, Y/N!”

The tone of his voice made you jump and you frantically went to pull the keys out of your pocket. Never have you ever actually listened to someone, let alone been afraid of someone when they used that tone on you. Then again, you’ve never heard Calum’s voice sound so cold and free of emotion.

“Where are you going?”

“Fuck you.” Was what he answered with as he stormed around the side of the house and disappeared into the darkness. You all could hear the sound of his car starting up and speeding away as you stood in an awkward silence.

So, again here you were watching tv and feeding yourself tortilla chips and salsa to somewhat make you feel better. Your night had been probably the worst you’ve had in a while, so when there was a loud knock at your door, you didn’t know who to expect. Standing to your feet you slowly walked towards the door, thinking about how the person even got buzzed in. When you opened it, you were surprised to see the boy who had been missing for hours on end.

“We need to talk.”

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butterflyonthewall · 7 years

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I'm Sorry

- I fall off the radar for days, weeks, even months at a time but I still love you. I’m a ‘lone wolf’ and when I get overwhelmed I need to be alone and calm myself down. If I try to talk to someone they’ll just try to give me answers or compare it to what they’ve experienced but I honestly don’t give a flying fuck, I just need you to listen sometimes just so I can get my thoughts out. My problems don’t just have simple answers so stop trying to give me them. I’ve tried everything you can even imagine.

I don’t want to go out every weekend because 1) I do NOT have the money, 2) I will NOT let you pay for me because then I’ll feel hella guilty and wanna pay you back when i know I can’t, 3) socializing for one day can drain all that’s inside of me for weeks.. idk why but I. Just. Can’t.

- I am ashamed of where I live and how I live. I don’t invite people over because I’m embarrassed beyond recognition on the shitty lifestyle I have. I live in my grandfathers bazillion year-old house that’s stuffed to the brim with his junk since he’s a fucking hoarder. My bedroom is smaller than the bathrooms at school and my bed takes up half the space, and it has little to no storage so what stuff I actually have is sprawled everywhere. The rest of my house is crawling with almost 20 fucking cats cuz they’re all getting knocked up and my mother is ‘waiting for a call from a no kill shelter that is only open on Saturdays’ so we are stuck with them, and since we have so many cats they are shitting and pissing EVERYWHERE and I can’t step one inch out of my room without puddles of urine or cat shit. No matter how many times we clean it all up they just keep going to the bathroom EVERYWHERE.Then to add to the stress of hating the house, the only memories I have here are 1) carrying my six year old 140lb dying dog up the stairs at 3am to then bring him to the vet where he died 2) getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and struggling with therapy and getting meds sorted out 3) my baby sister attempting suicide TWICE 4) the same sister walking into the room crying and saying her best friend killed himself and then hearing her gut-wrenching wailing and screaming for days in misery 5) losing not one but two of my best friends (which I don’t have many of because I have a very select group of friends since I don’t social well duh) 6) DCF constantly being called on us cuz the nosy spoiled rotten people in this rich town think we’re fucked up when honestly we’re just going through rough times (which apparently they’ve never been through one cuz why tf would rich white people struggle in America ??) 7) my mother getting into a car accident and breaking her back and being on crazy meds (which she is off now and things are better with her but still SCARY TIMES)

- I don’t know what a true friendship is like. I’ve always been the weird loner kid no one talked to so idk how to talk to people. Idk what a friendship is idk what my boundaries are idk what to do when you’re upset since I’m not used to physical touch by people since no one ever hung out with me to do it idk how to read social cues.. I don’t know what to do.

- I tell my mom everything. Even if you told me in confidence I’ll still tell her cuz I look to her to help me show me what to do. She gives me advice and always has my back. She would never tell anyone tho, not even your parents. If you are in trouble my mom and I will be your savior and if you don’t want your parents knowing anything then we won’t say a word. Hell, we’ll lie for you. My mom does this because her mom did the same thing and my mom knows what it’s like to need a safe place so she made one herself for anyone who needs it. I’m sorry if you don’t like me telling her stuff but she is my rock.

- I don’t do sports because as a kid my anxiety disorder kept me from joins teams and I was so scared for people to judge me if I wasn’t good so I never tried. I honestly would love to do sports but I’m just so scared because I was always to anxious to even try so I’m so bad rn that I’m below even Beginners Level..

- I love food. I love homemade meals.. With all the shit going on nobody has really cooked so we all just get cheap food from Walgreens and McDonald’s. But I truly LOVE vegetables and fruits and Mexican food and Chinese and some Italian foods and Japanese foods.

- I’m so jealous. I want to have the money to get cute clothes, even just some Nike leggings or adidas sneakers. I want s credit cards and be able to go shopping and do YouTube and stuff but I’m stuck where I am since my family’s priority rn is mental health and my sister. I wanna go to concerts and go on adventures but everything cuz at least a little bit of money but I don’t have ANY.

- I feel ugly. Some people will compliment me but ik you’re just saying that to make me feel better. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve been called ugly and I remember in the 4th grade there was this new girl who thought I was a boy cuz of my deep voice and short hair, people would make fun of my hair and crooked teeth, and people even tricked me into believing this cute popular guy was into me but it was just a cruel joke, people tell me that nobody likes me cuz I’m weird and annoying, and there’s much more. But what really pisses me off is that my best friend is fucking gorgeous but she doesn’t see it which completely baffles me like wtf your eyes are so bright and your long beautiful eyelashes frame the perfectly and you have hella fine cheekbones and strong jawlines and killer smile and perfect nose while I have a flat face with no cheekbones and a big nose and short eyelashes and red splotches and dry patches and ugh.:

I’m sorry this is who I am.

#why am i like this #i'm sorry #i'm so tired #i'm crying

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